- 20 hours ago
Melvin White, an accident-prone and hapless police officer, is demoted to the night shift by his pathologically lying, flatulent captain. By night, Melvin secretly moonlights as "The Unknown Comic," an anonymous stand-up act where he performs with a paper bag over his head
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:12You're coming on like you're my best friend
00:00:16I know you're not doing that my life depends on you
00:00:20Why don't you stop?
00:00:21Why don't you take a listen round
00:00:24If your thoughts don't make a sound
00:00:26Why don't you change your way if you can
00:00:31If you're gonna make a run, boy
00:00:34Better make it fast
00:00:39Hey you, take the ball over
00:00:41If you're gonna make a big noise
00:00:46Better make it in the ballroom now
00:01:12Are you crazy?
00:01:18Oh, I see, I forget
00:01:22I lost my pencil
00:01:29Oh, I'm sorry
00:01:32Well, first of all, your trunk was open
00:01:38J'ai trouvé un autostopper
00:01:39Et j'ai violé violement
00:01:41You wanna come back here a minute?
00:01:43Non
00:01:44Please
00:01:49Il est si bon
00:01:50Que je ne peux pas fermer le coffre
00:01:52C'est un vrai problème
00:01:53Pablo
00:01:54I think it's a little obvious, don't you?
00:01:57Look
00:01:58Your latch is broken
00:01:59That's why the trunk won't close
00:02:01See, it's all inside here
00:02:03All the tumblers are busted
00:02:04Je porte porte des cartelons
00:02:06Oh, I'm sorry
00:02:08Oh, and these things are all sticking out
00:02:10Look at that
00:02:10What makes it more chemical
00:02:12This is here
00:02:13Here we go
00:02:18Baisse mon coffre
00:02:19Baisse mon coffre
00:02:20Baisse mon coffre
00:02:21Baisse mon coffre
00:02:22J'ai sens?
00:02:23I'm sorry, all right
00:02:25Je suis amoureux
00:02:26Well, you should be
00:02:27Now, are you also aware that
00:02:28You made an illegal U-turn
00:02:31Monsieur le flic
00:02:32Je veux bien vous fouetter
00:02:34Et faire des actes sexuelles dégoûtant sur votre corps
00:02:37Et surtout
00:02:38Mangez sur vos chaussettes
00:02:40Mangez vos chaussures
00:02:41Mangez vos chaussettes
00:02:43Mangez vos chaussures
00:02:45Ha, ha, ha
00:02:46Ah, that makes sense
00:02:47Well, I'm gonna have to give you a warning anyway now
00:02:48May I see your driver's license?
00:02:51Oui, je vous montre mon imitation
00:02:52De Woody Woodpecker
00:02:53Eh, eh, eh
00:02:56Ah, okay, okay, okay
00:02:57That makes sense, too
00:02:57Well, what about your ownership papers on the car?
00:02:59You have those with you?
00:03:00Uh, quel con tu es?
00:03:03Tu es un con
00:03:04Ha, ha, ha, ha
00:03:05All right
00:03:06Okay, okay, that makes sense
00:03:07All right
00:03:08Well, I'm gonna have to give you a citation anyway
00:03:10Sign right here, okay
00:03:13All right
00:03:20Mr. Capricorn
00:03:21Okay, well
00:03:22There we go
00:03:23Let me get you back in the car now. Watch your head, watch your head.
00:03:26Here we go.
00:03:28Hey, and drive carefully. Those kids on the road could be yours.
00:03:31Je t'aime d'amour.
00:03:32Why is that?
00:03:33Je suis tapette.
00:03:34Est-ce qu'on peut toucher tes langues? Vous aimerez ça?
00:03:37C'est comme ça, voilà .
00:03:40Vous aimez ça, vous aimez ça? Vous aimerez ça?
00:04:04Vous aimez ça, vous aimez ça, vous aimez ça, vous aimez ça.
00:04:24Oh, my God. Hold it.
00:04:26Hey, what's the matter here?
00:04:27You dropped your wallet.
00:04:28Oh, thank God. Take it. Keep in touch.
00:04:31Hey, time, I'm.
00:04:34Je t'aime.
00:04:37Oh, je t'aime.
00:04:40Oh, je t'aime.
00:05:00Oh, no, no, no!
00:05:06Hey, Mike, your fly's down.
00:05:08Oh, yeah. Hey, so is yours.
00:05:10Yeah, thanks.
00:05:11Alright, cool.
00:05:30Hey, come on, buddy, you gotta move. Come on. Come on, let's go.
00:05:37Hey, come on, you're not allowed to sleep in the park now. Let's go, buddy.
00:05:40Hey, pal, come on. Hey, you okay?
00:05:42Hey, buddy, come on. What's gonna happen? Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
00:05:47Let me...
00:05:50Oh...
00:05:50Oh, shit.
00:05:54Oh, my.
00:05:55Alright.
00:06:11Good sight, buddy.
00:06:19Alright, come on, kids.
00:06:22Follow the leader. Let's go. Come on, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
00:06:26Mr. I found your gun.
00:06:29Alright, get over there. Alright. Alright. Come here, sweetheart. Come on.
00:06:33Come here.
00:06:34No.
00:06:36Come here.
00:06:37Come on, sweetheart, darling. Let's go. Come on. We have to go. Honey, come on.
00:06:41Oh, come on. Come on, you have to come across the street.
00:06:43Ow.
00:06:44Ow, no, no. No, come here.
00:06:45Oh, no. Come on, sweetheart.
00:06:47Ow.
00:06:48No, no.
00:06:49Ow, no.
00:06:50Ow.
00:06:51Oh, shit.
00:06:53Come on.
00:06:53Let's go. Come here.
00:06:55Come on.
00:06:57Come here.
00:06:58Come here.
00:06:58Come here.
00:07:00Come here.
00:07:01Now give me that app and get outta here.
00:07:03Go ahead. I don't want you on my property.
00:07:04Come on. Get outta here.
00:07:05Alright. Alright. Alright. All right.
00:07:06Guys, leave me alone.
00:07:17Hey, hey. Hey.
00:07:18I sure would like to get into your underwear.
00:07:21Yeah, well, I already got an asshole in my underwear and I don't need another one to sit down.
00:07:25Hey, Melvin. No.
00:07:26Come here, you crazy. Go over and try that trick on your head.
00:07:29Thanks for getting at the jail, kid.
00:07:30Do you have a good time?
00:07:32For sure, but I've only got a dollar.
00:07:34That's all right.
00:07:35What do you do?
00:07:35I'm an actor.
00:07:36What do you work?
00:07:37I'm the girl that works at Paramount all day and talks all night.
00:07:40Two for one sale.
00:07:41Two for one.
00:07:43Two for one.
00:07:45You've got a car's master charging visa.
00:07:52Hey, what's going on down there?
00:07:54Hey, you guys can't do that.
00:07:56Hey, you guys are in a lot of trouble now.
00:07:58No car fighting on this town.
00:07:59Hey, you guys are in a lot of trouble now.
00:08:01Hey, you guys are in a lot of trouble.
00:08:01Hey, I'm serious.
00:08:02Hey, what the fuck are you doing now?
00:08:03This is no trouble.
00:08:04You're all in a lot of trouble.
00:08:14I've got two, son, you get back in there.
00:08:16Come on, get back in there.
00:08:17Get him, you bitch.
00:08:18Get him.
00:08:18Keep it down and keep it dirty.
00:08:25I'm going to get away with this.
00:08:28That's what you have it.
00:08:28Let me catch any of you here again.
00:08:30You got that?
00:08:38I've been coming here every day for three months.
00:08:41That's probably why your wife left.
00:08:43Anybody got your ass?
00:08:44Oh, shit.
00:08:51Excuse me, miss.
00:08:52You shouldn't be in this line.
00:08:59You shouldn't be in this line.
00:09:00Car 39, man in trouble at 1545 Venice Drive.
00:09:05Code 17.
00:09:06Victim shot 15 times in head.
00:09:09Says he needs help.
00:09:10All cars in the Hollywood area.
00:09:13Counterfeit bills being circulated.
00:09:14Be careful in accepting drives.
00:09:17Car 63.
00:09:18Report immediately to First Savings
00:09:20at 2nd Avenue and 3rd Street
00:09:21in the 4th Precinct.
00:09:23Five holdup men have six employees
00:09:25and seven customers.
00:09:26There's a bomb set to go off in eight seconds
00:09:28and you are about nine blocks away.
00:09:31Car 63, never mind.
00:09:34Car 86, come in, please.
00:09:41Car 86, where are you?
00:09:50Car 86 reporting.
00:09:51Yes, Captain Lewis wants you to report
00:09:53to his office immediately.
00:09:55Roger.
00:09:56Didn't pour it out.
00:09:58I said now, Ken.
00:10:00The girl can wait.
00:10:04This coffee is great, Sue.
00:10:05Oh, hi, Melvin.
00:10:07How are you?
00:10:07Oh, fine, except I'm a little late.
00:10:09Yes, you're late with your appointment
00:10:10for Captain Lewis,
00:10:11but it's okay.
00:10:12I covered for you.
00:10:13Oh, thanks.
00:10:15I told him he slept in.
00:10:16Oh, is Captain Lewis upset?
00:10:18No.
00:10:19Oh, good.
00:10:19He's furious.
00:10:23Well, maybe I should come back
00:10:24when he's not busy.
00:10:25No, no, no, no.
00:10:26I told him what's I'm doing
00:10:26as soon as you got here.
00:10:28But it's okay.
00:10:29His bark is a lot worse than his bite.
00:10:32Oh, here, you can finish
00:10:33the rest of this, okay?
00:10:35Oh.
00:10:36Okay.
00:10:37I've been hearing that you tell people
00:10:38that I tell lies.
00:10:39Oh, you heard wrong, sir.
00:10:40I heard what wrong?
00:10:41Oh, what you heard about me
00:10:42telling people you tell lies
00:10:43you heard wrong.
00:10:43What I heard about people
00:10:44telling lies you heard wrong.
00:10:46What?
00:10:46Oh, what you heard about me
00:10:47telling people you tell lies
00:10:48you heard wrong, sir.
00:10:49That's why you're getting
00:10:50a promotion now.
00:10:52You mean I'll be getting
00:10:53a desk job I've been wanting, sir?
00:10:55Even better.
00:10:56Even better.
00:10:58You're going to be getting
00:10:59night patrol.
00:11:01Night patrol, sir?
00:11:03And with it,
00:11:03you've got a car
00:11:04and a partner
00:11:04and a raise.
00:11:05A car,
00:11:06a partner and a raise, sir?
00:11:07I said you've got a car
00:11:08and a partner.
00:11:09I didn't say anything
00:11:10about a raise, did I?
00:11:11No, sir.
00:11:11Nothing about a raise.
00:11:12Nothing, sir.
00:11:13Now, I want you to meet
00:11:14your new partner.
00:11:15He's from a new precinct.
00:11:18Miss Purman, is Kent Lane
00:11:20here yet?
00:11:21Yes, he is, sir.
00:11:22Yes, he is, sir.
00:11:23What?
00:11:23Yes, he is, sir, sir.
00:11:25Good.
00:11:25Send him in.
00:11:32Patron Kent Lane
00:11:33reporting, sir.
00:11:35Oh, I see you met
00:11:35Miss Purman.
00:11:37Yes, Sue Purman
00:11:38and I are all friends,
00:11:39aren't we?
00:11:40Yes, I've known you
00:11:40since you were a clerk,
00:11:41Kent.
00:11:42Well, I'm your
00:11:43Captain Lewis Lane
00:11:44and this is your new
00:11:44partner, Melvin White.
00:11:46How do you do?
00:11:47And has Sue already
00:11:49made out our schedules, sir?
00:11:50No, no, but she
00:11:52will plan it daily.
00:11:53Yes, I will.
00:11:53And, sir, will you be
00:11:54holding inspection
00:11:55this evening, sir?
00:11:57Nah, nah.
00:11:57I don't want any more
00:11:59of that crap tonight.
00:12:01Sir, please don't use
00:12:02those words.
00:12:03Crap tonight?
00:12:05What's the matter,
00:12:06Superman?
00:12:08My language a little
00:12:09too rough for you?
00:12:12Crap tonight!
00:12:13Crap tonight!
00:12:13Sir, those words
00:12:15make me feel weak
00:12:16and helpless.
00:12:18All right, I want
00:12:19you to go get
00:12:19a good night's sleep
00:12:20and be back here
00:12:21for inspection
00:12:22at six o'clock!
00:12:24Well, the inspection
00:12:24is generally
00:12:25at five o'clock, sir.
00:12:27Are you calling
00:12:27me a liar, too?
00:12:29No, then the inspection
00:12:30will be at six o'clock.
00:12:31No, I said the inspection
00:12:32is at five o'clock!
00:12:33Now, dismissed!
00:12:35So, inspection
00:12:36is at six, sir.
00:12:36Right!
00:12:40You'll never guess
00:12:41what happened to me, Sue.
00:12:42Hey, you got a promotion,
00:12:43pants, and your partner
00:12:44and you got a car.
00:12:44Well, how did you know?
00:12:46Let's just say
00:12:47a little bird told me.
00:12:49But he didn't get away!
00:12:52Oh, no race!
00:12:53Oh, that's too bad.
00:12:55But you know, Melvin,
00:12:56the way you treat people
00:12:57with love and respect...
00:12:59What I was really hoping for
00:12:59was a desk job
00:13:00that would keep
00:13:00my evenings free.
00:13:02What's the matter
00:13:03if you don't want
00:13:03to work at night?
00:13:04You're not moonlighting,
00:13:05are you?
00:13:06Is somebody moonlighting?
00:13:08No, no, Captain!
00:13:09Are you calling me a liar?
00:13:10No, sir!
00:13:12You see, I'm working
00:13:13on this novel
00:13:13about police work
00:13:14and I work much better
00:13:15in evenings.
00:13:16You see, I went
00:13:16to night school.
00:13:17Oh, well, Melvin,
00:13:18I hope that you finish it
00:13:19because you're such
00:13:19a wonderful human being
00:13:21and a sincere person.
00:13:23You know, you're either
00:13:24a fool or a stupid.
00:13:25That girl back there
00:13:26really likes you.
00:13:27Sue likes me?
00:13:28I don't think so.
00:13:29Sure she does.
00:13:30It's written all
00:13:30over her face.
00:13:33Yeah, I know this.
00:13:34Whenever she's around,
00:13:35you can't keep
00:13:36her eyes off you.
00:13:37Not even look at me.
00:13:38She's incredible.
00:13:40For a while,
00:13:40I thought she was
00:13:41some sort of a dyke.
00:13:43Say, don't you know
00:13:43what you ought to do?
00:13:44You ought to jump
00:13:45on Officer Judy.
00:13:47Officer Judy?
00:13:48You mean with...
00:13:48Yeah, I was with her
00:13:49all last night.
00:13:50Oh, yeah?
00:13:51Fucked her brains out.
00:13:53Here she comes down.
00:13:56Hi, Judy.
00:13:58It's gonna be okay.
00:13:59It's gonna be all right.
00:14:00You don't have
00:14:00a thing to worry about.
00:14:02I've got new evidence.
00:14:03We're gonna get you
00:14:03a new trial.
00:14:05I'm gonna get you
00:14:05a new deal.
00:14:06Judge is a friend of mine.
00:14:07In the meantime,
00:14:09if you get a chance,
00:14:10try to escape.
00:14:11Let's go.
00:14:15All right, you guys.
00:14:16Prepare for inspection.
00:14:17Attention!
00:14:21He's not gonna fart at you.
00:14:24He's not gonna fart at you.
00:14:26All right, officers.
00:14:28I want to clean up the city.
00:14:31Prostitution is running rapid.
00:14:33And I want to drive
00:14:34every hooker
00:14:35out of this town.
00:14:40Now, I want you
00:14:41to be extra careful
00:14:41for the next 24 hours
00:14:43because I'm leaving town
00:14:45and I'm going to
00:14:45a police convention
00:14:46in Las Vegas.
00:14:48Officers 7 and 9?
00:14:50Yes, sir.
00:14:51Take the Hollywood area.
00:14:52Yes, sir.
00:14:53Officers 3 and 5?
00:14:54Yes, sir.
00:14:54Chinatown?
00:14:55Yes, sir.
00:14:56Officers 2 and 6?
00:14:57Yes, sir.
00:14:58The beach?
00:14:59Yes, sir.
00:15:00And officers 4 and 1?
00:15:03Officers 4 and 1?
00:15:05Those guys are so cute.
00:15:06Always want to go there.
00:15:07I don't like it there anymore.
00:15:08But those guys are so cute.
00:15:09Are you one?
00:15:10Oh, yes, I'm one.
00:15:11Are you one, too?
00:15:13Well, if you're one,
00:15:14then you must be four.
00:15:16I'm for whatever he's for.
00:15:21All right, you guys
00:15:22take the park.
00:15:23Oh, that means
00:15:24we get to wear our dresses.
00:15:25I'll wear my Bob Mackie.
00:15:26Oh, you will.
00:15:27And don't wear your chiffon
00:15:29because it just doesn't
00:15:30match your eyes.
00:15:31He's right.
00:15:32And be sure you catch
00:15:33the purse snatcher.
00:15:34Ooh, we almost
00:15:35caught him in a park
00:15:36just the other night.
00:15:37But he gave us the slip.
00:15:38And then we followed him
00:15:39all the way downtown.
00:15:41And again,
00:15:41he gave us the slip.
00:15:42That's right.
00:15:43He gave me a blue slip.
00:15:44What color was your slip?
00:15:45Mine was chartreuse.
00:15:46Ooh, take my breath away.
00:15:50Dismissed.
00:15:50Now go get them, tigers.
00:15:51L.A.P.D.
00:15:53L.A.P.D.
00:15:53You're running out of control.
00:15:56L.A.P.D.
00:15:58You're running out of control.
00:16:01L.A.P.D.
00:16:03All on the streets.
00:16:07L.A.P.D.
00:16:09L.A.P.D.
00:16:10L.A.P.D.
00:16:11L.A.P.D.
00:16:14L.A.P.D.
00:16:18L.A.P.D.
00:16:21L.A.P.D.
00:16:22Just keep your eyes peeled.
00:16:23Yeah, but I'll be a rookie
00:16:24all my life
00:16:25unless you give me a chance.
00:16:26Now look,
00:16:26I know I can do it.
00:16:27You gotta trust me, please.
00:16:28Just this one time.
00:16:30Okay.
00:16:32Great.
00:16:32You won't be sorry, I swear.
00:16:34Be careful.
00:16:34I will.
00:16:35You'll be proud of me, okay?
00:16:43Before I go,
00:16:44let me get that straight.
00:16:45Now that's two jelly donuts,
00:16:47one glaze,
00:16:47two coffees,
00:16:48one cream,
00:16:48one without sugar, right?
00:16:49Right.
00:16:50Right.
00:16:53It's a rough part of town.
00:16:55Yeah.
00:16:56Well, you're not kidding.
00:16:57Look at that over there.
00:16:58You better pull over.
00:16:59What for?
00:17:00What for?
00:17:01That guy's parked
00:17:01in front of a fire hydrant.
00:17:03Oh, yeah.
00:17:04Okay.
00:17:05Okay.
00:17:05Okay.
00:17:06Police run out of control.
00:17:09L.A.P.D.
00:17:10Along the streets of your city.
00:17:13You don't mind me handling this, do you?
00:17:14Just keep burning, okay?
00:17:16Okay, great.
00:17:29What are you doing in there?
00:17:31Naked.
00:17:32Yeah, well,
00:17:33you're gonna have to put your neck back in your pants
00:17:35and go somewhere else.
00:17:36Why don't you take a fucking hike?
00:17:47Ken?
00:17:48He won't move the truck.
00:17:49All right,
00:17:50I'll take care of him.
00:18:06Come on, you.
00:18:06Get out of there.
00:18:07I want you to move that truck now.
00:18:09I mean now.
00:18:10I said right now.
00:18:11You get the message?
00:18:13I'll move, I'll move, I'm good.
00:18:15I'll move, I'll move the damn thing.
00:18:18Oh, shit.
00:18:20Look out.
00:18:21Oh, shit.
00:18:39Oh, shit, he's coming back again now.
00:18:41Get back!
00:18:42Need some reinforcements there.
00:18:43Need some reinforcements.
00:18:50Somebody's got me on the floor pretty soon.
00:18:54Hey, Bubba, hit him with a tear.
00:18:55They're holding a rake suspect.
00:19:03Oh, shit!
00:19:10Code 6, code 6, this is car 86 requesting the back of the unit as soon as possible.
00:19:19Lift back into this now.
00:19:22They're easy.
00:19:38Hey, Bubba.
00:19:39They're getting better.
00:19:40They're getting better.
00:19:41They're getting better.
00:19:41They're getting better.
00:19:41They're getting better.
00:19:41Oh, my God, he's got a kid.
00:19:43Look out, they don't see this guy.
00:19:44We'll kill him.
00:19:45Drop him.
00:19:46Don't let me go!
00:19:48Oh, you shot the kid!
00:19:53Now look what you made me do you idiot!
00:19:55You made me hit an innocent bystander!
00:19:57My mom! My mom!
00:19:59I'm looking for sushi and I'm looking for a day.
00:20:01I don't understand this feeling!
00:20:03It's not me!
00:20:04I'm going to go to U.S.L.A. every day!
00:20:06If I was to blame, I would admit it, okay?
00:20:07It's no big deal!
00:20:09It's not a big deal!
00:20:10If you give me 30 yen, I'll give you 30 yen!
00:20:12Fresh Gordon was fun!
00:20:15Get out of here! Shoo!
00:20:16Get out of here!
00:20:18I'm looking for sushi!
00:20:21Go find one!
00:20:21Go find one!
00:20:22Go find one!
00:20:22Go find your own neighborhood!
00:20:28Right now, it's the way you took over
00:20:30when I slipped and fell under the car there like that.
00:20:32Thank you, champ. Thank you.
00:20:35Hildred, you said he was funny, huh?
00:20:37How can a bag be funny?
00:20:40Alright, here's a quick impression of the first man to land on the sun!
00:20:44Oh, shit!
00:20:44Wow!
00:20:49Alright, hold on just a second, my socks are coming down.
00:21:02Yes, yes, yes, yes. You're a police officer during the day, but at night you put on this bag on
00:21:06your head and tell jokes in nightclubs because you enjoy making people laugh. Is that right?
00:21:16Uh-huh.
00:21:18Don't you think this is kind of a cop-out?
00:21:20Hey, that's kind of a good joke. You could use that in your act.
00:21:24Oh, I'm so confused. I can't decide whether to quit show business or police work. And to make matters worse,
00:21:30I've fallen in love.
00:21:32I feel something when you're here in the office, too. Chemistry I don't feel with my other male patients.
00:21:37No, not you. A girl. She was beautiful. Somehow, I managed to get her attention.
00:21:47God, you're beautiful. I got a lot of money here. I'd like to take you up to my apartment and
00:21:56show us all my etchings.
00:21:57What's your name?
00:21:58What do you say?
00:21:59Edith.
00:21:59Edith? Come on, sweetie.
00:22:00Edith what?
00:22:01Edith Hutton.
00:22:03Well, how about joining me for a drink?
00:22:05Well, Edith Hutton says, fuck off.
00:22:11Edith Hutton says, fuck off.
00:22:13Edith Hutton says, fuck off.
00:22:15OK.
00:22:16I'm thankful for you.
00:22:18I'm thankful for you.
00:22:44I'm thankful for you.
00:22:48Oh, my tits are numb, too.
00:22:51A message from Miss Parker.
00:23:06How you doing?
00:23:06I caught your rat, kid.
00:23:07I think you're great.
00:23:08Listen, my name is Kate Parker.
00:23:09I'd like to handle you
00:23:10because I think you got
00:23:10what it takes to go all the way.
00:23:12You do?
00:23:13All you have to do is listen to me.
00:23:14Some of the biggest comedians
00:23:15in the business listen to me.
00:23:16Ever heard of Don Rickles?
00:23:17No.
00:23:17He listened to me.
00:23:19He listened to me.
00:23:20Charles Bronson?
00:23:21I don't think so.
00:23:23Well, he didn't listen to me.
00:23:24Look, I can have you
00:23:24on all the top TV talk shows
00:23:26in town and have you
00:23:26working in Vegas in six months.
00:23:28How much did Tex pay you?
00:23:29Uh, he gave me a thousand.
00:23:31Oh, come on, kid.
00:23:32He gave you 25 in your goods,
00:23:33so he offered you 35
00:23:34for next time, right?
00:23:35How did you know?
00:23:36It's my business to know, kid.
00:23:38Hey, Tex, come here.
00:23:39Hi, Tex.
00:23:40Yeah, Kate.
00:23:42Listen, sweetie,
00:23:43I think this kid is super talented,
00:23:44so I'm gonna be bringing
00:23:45a lot of people.
00:23:46They'll be drinking
00:23:46a lot of your booze,
00:23:47so how about paying him
00:23:4850 bucks next time?
00:23:52Anything for you, babe.
00:23:55Thanks, Kate.
00:23:57You know me?
00:23:57Tony Barone.
00:23:58Look, I'm looking for a manager,
00:24:00you know?
00:24:00Your act sucks, kid.
00:24:01Beat it.
00:24:05Maybe you didn't see the face.
00:24:06That's what it must be, right?
00:24:07Go away.
00:24:10You're making a big mistake.
00:24:11Anyway, stick with me, kid,
00:24:12and I'll have you
00:24:12wearing a Gucci bag.
00:24:14Can you believe it, Doc?
00:24:16I met a gorgeous girl
00:24:17named Edith
00:24:17and a manager named Kate
00:24:19who wants to make me a star.
00:24:20What do you think
00:24:21will happen next?
00:24:23I predict that you
00:24:24will have your Kate
00:24:25and Edith, too.
00:24:31Ah, yourself.
00:24:34I have another
00:24:35very important prediction.
00:24:37Oh, yeah?
00:24:37What is it, Doc?
00:24:41I'm sorry.
00:24:41Your time's up.
00:24:43Calling on cars.
00:24:44Calling on cars.
00:24:45Be on the lookout
00:24:45for anything suspicious.
00:24:48That's it.
00:24:49We're in for a rough night tonight.
00:24:50Yeah, why?
00:24:51Well, look,
00:24:52there's a full moon.
00:24:59Oh, this is the toughest part of town.
00:25:01We got gangs, pimps,
00:25:04porno shops,
00:25:05X-rated movies.
00:25:07No.
00:25:08Just keep your eyes open
00:25:09for anything suspicious.
00:25:11Help!
00:25:11Somebody help me!
00:25:13You ever seen
00:25:13an X-rated movie?
00:25:14Huh?
00:25:14Uh, I went one time.
00:25:16It was,
00:25:17it was really disgusting,
00:25:18though.
00:25:19Finally left
00:25:19after about eight hours.
00:25:21Besides,
00:25:22the screen was beginning
00:25:23to irritate my nose.
00:25:29Oh, Kent,
00:25:31remember when Captain Lewis
00:25:32said he was going to drive
00:25:33all the prostitutes
00:25:34out of town?
00:25:34Yeah.
00:25:35Well, there he is.
00:25:39And he's driving
00:25:40a whole bunch of them
00:25:40out of town right now.
00:25:44Car 86,
00:25:45robbery in progress
00:25:46at Sampson Bar and Grill,
00:25:47155 Johnson Street,
00:25:49code 3.
00:25:5010-4.
00:25:51Okay, let's go.
00:25:53Let's go.
00:25:54Let's get out of here.
00:26:02Nobody here.
00:26:03Okay, I'm going to talk
00:26:04to the owner.
00:26:05You check for witnesses.
00:26:06Okay.
00:26:10Oh, Kent,
00:26:11I think I killed
00:26:12an innocent bystander.
00:26:13All right,
00:26:14it's all right.
00:26:14Now, calm down.
00:26:15Just tell us what happened.
00:26:17Just take it easy,
00:26:18no knees for that.
00:26:19Oh, okay.
00:26:20He must have gotten
00:26:21away with over $2,000.
00:26:23Tuesday night's our big night
00:26:25with choir practice
00:26:26next door.
00:26:27Any differences?
00:26:28Hey, write this down,
00:26:29that was...
00:26:29Oh, that's no problem.
00:26:31Um, he was wearing
00:26:33a tan jacket,
00:26:35a brown pant,
00:26:37and two-toed shoes.
00:26:39Any distinguishing features
00:26:40like a tattoo,
00:26:41mustache,
00:26:42a zit,
00:26:43cold, sore?
00:26:43Oh, yeah.
00:26:44Uh, there was
00:26:45one more thing.
00:26:47He was wearing
00:26:47a bag over his head.
00:26:52A bag over his head.
00:26:54Yeah.
00:26:56Except he had
00:26:57two holes for his eyes
00:26:58and one hole
00:26:59for his mouth.
00:27:01And he kept
00:27:02telling jokes.
00:27:03What jokes?
00:27:04Well, uh,
00:27:05what kind of jokes?
00:27:06How do you get
00:27:07a witch pregnant?
00:27:09Oh, I don't know.
00:27:10How do you make
00:27:10a witch pregnant?
00:27:11You fucker.
00:27:12I mean, I don't...
00:27:13that's not funny.
00:27:14I know.
00:27:16Yes, it is.
00:27:18Maybe it is, Doc.
00:27:19Someone's setting me up.
00:27:21Can you believe it?
00:27:22Somebody's robbing bars
00:27:24with a bag on his head.
00:27:25The police are gonna
00:27:26think it's me.
00:27:28Do you think your family
00:27:30didn't like you?
00:27:31Yes.
00:27:31When I was a kid,
00:27:32my mother used to
00:27:33scream at me
00:27:34because I used
00:27:34to wet the bed.
00:27:36Well, tomorrow night's
00:27:37your big chance.
00:27:38And a lot of big bookers
00:27:39will be there.
00:27:40I hope they won't
00:27:40be hard on me.
00:27:43So, Julia Child,
00:27:44you know,
00:27:45has the show on PBS.
00:27:46The show is...
00:27:49Thank you, thank you.
00:27:51It's been swell
00:27:52knowing you.
00:27:54And, uh,
00:27:55the PBS show
00:27:56gets canceled.
00:27:58Hey!
00:27:59You got five minutes, kid.
00:28:00No pressure.
00:28:01I mean it, I promise.
00:28:02No pressure.
00:28:03I really believe in you.
00:28:04No pressure.
00:28:05Don't be nervous.
00:28:07I have about a million
00:28:08butterflies in my stomach.
00:28:09Here, take these.
00:28:11Mmm, what are they?
00:28:12Mothballs.
00:28:14Boy, your career
00:28:15is really on the rise.
00:28:16We're gonna get into
00:28:17bumpers, stickers,
00:28:18and posters,
00:28:19and T-shirts,
00:28:20everything.
00:28:21Cause after tonight, kid,
00:28:23you're gonna be
00:28:23the most known
00:28:24unknown comic.
00:28:26Ooh,
00:28:27you really think so, Kate?
00:28:31Guess who?
00:28:37I don't believe this guy.
00:28:39He's nuts.
00:28:40He follows me around
00:28:41all the time
00:28:41auditioning for me,
00:28:42and he can't do anything right.
00:28:43Is it real no talent?
00:28:44We also threw
00:28:45at Sullivan.
00:28:47Hey,
00:28:47we got a great
00:28:48fucking show
00:28:49for you to see tonight.
00:28:51What,
00:28:51what do you think of that?
00:28:53I've been a great
00:28:54audience tonight,
00:28:55and I,
00:28:56I remember to be,
00:29:00continue to be
00:29:00a great audience.
00:29:01We have a new
00:29:02comedian coming up.
00:29:03I'm sure
00:29:04you're all gonna love him.
00:29:06thank you once again.
00:29:08Please welcome
00:29:08the unknown comic.
00:29:11Oh!
00:29:12Oh!
00:29:13You're right.
00:29:14Ha ha!
00:29:15All right,
00:29:16what a crowd,
00:29:16what an audience.
00:29:17All right,
00:29:17whoo-hoo!
00:29:18Okay,
00:29:18I'm telling you,
00:29:19yeah,
00:29:19I just flew in
00:29:20from Las Vegas.
00:29:20Yeah,
00:29:21what a bummer,
00:29:21I got airsick,
00:29:22and nobody knew.
00:29:23Ha ha ha!
00:29:24Yo,
00:29:25yeah,
00:29:26got me staying
00:29:26at the Sahara Hotel.
00:29:27What a weird hotel.
00:29:28I call a desk clerk.
00:29:29Am I gonna leak
00:29:29in my sink?
00:29:30He said,
00:29:30go ahead.
00:29:31Ha ha ha!
00:29:33Ha ha ha!
00:29:33Yeah,
00:29:34things are going
00:29:34pretty good,
00:29:35though.
00:29:35Yeah,
00:29:35I just moved
00:29:35into an apartment
00:29:36over a bank.
00:29:37Yeah,
00:29:37which is great,
00:29:37because now my
00:29:38ass set's over
00:29:38ten million dollars.
00:29:40Ha ha ha!
00:29:41Boy,
00:29:41you people have
00:29:42amazing control.
00:29:44Yeah,
00:29:45I got a joke for you
00:29:45that's gonna make
00:29:46your boobies fall off.
00:29:47Well,
00:29:47you already heard it.
00:29:49Oh,
00:29:51I'm just kidding.
00:29:52Actually,
00:29:52I can make your boobies
00:29:53seem larger.
00:29:53I have small hands.
00:29:56All right,
00:29:56what do you call
00:29:57a nurse with dirt
00:29:57on her knees?
00:29:58The head nurse.
00:30:01All right,
00:30:01why does a dog
00:30:02lick his groin?
00:30:03Because he can.
00:30:08Okay,
00:30:08why is pubic hair
00:30:09curly so it doesn't
00:30:10poke your eyes out?
00:30:14All right,
00:30:14what do you call
00:30:14a hundred cows
00:30:15masturbating?
00:30:16Beef stroganoff.
00:30:20All right,
00:30:20one more.
00:30:21What has three balls
00:30:21and comes from
00:30:22outer space?
00:30:23E.T.
00:30:23The extra testicle.
00:30:26You know why
00:30:27they spell
00:30:27sex S-E-X?
00:30:28Because you can't
00:30:29spell
00:30:29whoop.
00:30:32Ain't you about
00:30:33the guy who had
00:30:34herpes in his eyebrows?
00:30:35Yeah,
00:30:35he was looking for love
00:30:36in all the wrong places.
00:30:48What's the schedule?
00:30:49What's the schedule?
00:30:50Two weeks.
00:30:50Price is no longer.
00:30:51You told me I could have
00:30:52a first shot.
00:30:53Hey,
00:30:53I'll pay what you want.
00:30:54What do you want?
00:30:55How about a little
00:30:56head later?
00:30:58Excuse me.
00:30:59Oh,
00:31:00listen,
00:31:00I made a tape
00:31:01to the night show.
00:31:02I want you to listen
00:31:02to it.
00:31:02You know,
00:31:03it could be very helpful.
00:31:04By the way,
00:31:05kid,
00:31:05you were great tonight.
00:31:06They were all knocked out.
00:31:07Oh,
00:31:07Kate,
00:31:08it felt like
00:31:08my first orgasm.
00:31:12Can I have
00:31:13your autograph?
00:31:14Oh,
00:31:14Edith,
00:31:14it's you.
00:31:16I believe
00:31:16you owe me a drink.
00:31:18Right,
00:31:18a drink.
00:31:19I owe her a drink,
00:31:20Kate.
00:31:21Oh,
00:31:21listen,
00:31:21I got some
00:31:22big deals to make.
00:31:23I'll talk to you later.
00:31:24Oh,
00:31:24by the way,
00:31:25just remember,
00:31:25love comes and goes,
00:31:26but cookies last forever.
00:31:28Hey,
00:31:29wait a moment.
00:31:30Bartender,
00:31:30one beer and two glasses,
00:31:32okay?
00:31:32And make sure
00:31:33my glass is clean.
00:31:34You know,
00:31:35beer makes you smarter?
00:31:36Really?
00:31:36It made Bud wiser.
00:31:38All right,
00:31:38which one of you two
00:31:39ordered the clean glass?
00:31:41I did.
00:31:42Here.
00:31:43I like my beer
00:31:44and a glass,
00:31:44too.
00:31:46I've got a cucumber
00:31:48I'd like to show you.
00:31:49I have a bag of tricks
00:31:50I'd like to show you myself.
00:31:51Ooh,
00:31:51my motor's rubbing.
00:31:52Oh,
00:31:52really?
00:31:53So let's go to my place
00:31:54and I'll put anchovies
00:31:55and cream cheese
00:31:56on your bottle
00:31:56and lick it off.
00:31:57I can't right now.
00:31:59Okay,
00:31:59just anchovies.
00:32:00Well,
00:32:00you see,
00:32:00I'm sort of with someone.
00:32:01He might just pop up.
00:32:02I'm popping up right now.
00:32:05And I would love you
00:32:06to clamp your teeth
00:32:06on my zipper
00:32:07and pull it down.
00:32:08I can't really.
00:32:09I have to go.
00:32:10What about your phone number?
00:32:12Are you into phone sex?
00:32:13I don't have a phone.
00:32:14Can I drive you home?
00:32:15I,
00:32:16I,
00:32:16my car's right outside.
00:32:17What about a kiss?
00:32:18Lock your lips
00:32:19on my love muscle.
00:32:31And don't forget me.
00:32:33I'll never forget you.
00:32:34Eat it.
00:32:35Eat it.
00:32:36Right.
00:32:37Eat it.
00:32:37Bartender,
00:32:38write that down.
00:32:39E-D-E-E-T-H.
00:32:44Oh,
00:32:45I guess you guys heard
00:32:45that the bag man
00:32:46robbed another bar today.
00:32:47Boy,
00:32:48Captain Lewis
00:32:48is really determined
00:32:49to find out who did it.
00:32:50Oh,
00:32:51he's no more determined
00:32:51than I am,
00:32:52believe me.
00:32:53Oh,
00:32:54Melvin,
00:32:54Captain Lewis
00:32:55also received a report
00:32:56that there's an unknown comedian
00:32:57who wears a bag on his head
00:32:58who's gonna be playing
00:32:59at the Magic and Comedy Club
00:33:01this weekend.
00:33:01He's gonna send out
00:33:03a detail
00:33:04to investigate the suspect.
00:33:06Oh,
00:33:07do you think
00:33:07there's any chance
00:33:08that you can work it out
00:33:09so Kent and I
00:33:10can go out in that detail?
00:33:14See you in the bar.
00:33:15The bag man robbed another bar.
00:33:16The meat market saloon
00:33:17on Powell Street.
00:33:18Now get Kent
00:33:19and get over there right now.
00:33:20Yes, sir.
00:33:20I can't.
00:33:21You better finish filing
00:33:21those reports later.
00:33:22We gotta go.
00:33:23The meat market saloon
00:33:24on Powell Street.
00:33:25Yes, sir.
00:33:25Yes, sir.
00:33:26I can't.
00:33:27Hey,
00:33:27what's going on?
00:33:28The bag man robbed another bar
00:33:29over on Powell Street.
00:33:29No, no.
00:33:30Meat market saloon's on North Hill.
00:33:31Well,
00:33:32why'd the captain say
00:33:32it was on Powell Street?
00:33:34She was.
00:33:35lying.
00:33:37Is somebody calling me a liar?
00:33:39No, no, no, no, me.
00:33:41No, sir.
00:33:47Meat market saloon,
00:33:49huh?
00:33:49This must be
00:33:49a country western bar.
00:33:51Here.
00:33:51Hey.
00:33:54I don't think so.
00:33:56Your face or mine.
00:33:58Your face.
00:33:58Let's go.
00:33:59Come on.
00:33:59I'm not so rough.
00:34:00Come on.
00:34:03Hey,
00:34:04it's about time
00:34:04you pigs got here.
00:34:06All right,
00:34:06calm down now.
00:34:07Nobody gets anything done
00:34:08when they're excited.
00:34:09Who are you telling
00:34:10not to get excited?
00:34:12All right,
00:34:12back off.
00:34:13Back off here.
00:34:14He just gets excited
00:34:15when he sees beautiful women.
00:34:16Hey.
00:34:17Hey.
00:34:18Hey.
00:34:19Hey.
00:34:19What's wrong with you?
00:34:20Who runs this place anyway?
00:34:21I own the bar
00:34:22and if we catch
00:34:23that sucker
00:34:23who loved us,
00:34:25we're gonna
00:34:25turn that bag inside
00:34:27and pluck his eyes out,
00:34:28stab him,
00:34:29shoot him,
00:34:30and then tear him
00:34:30into little pieces
00:34:31and then see
00:34:32how funny he is.
00:34:33How much money
00:34:34did he get?
00:34:34All the money's not important.
00:34:36All he got
00:34:36was a lousy 50 bucks.
00:34:38It was the jokes
00:34:40that he told.
00:34:40What?
00:34:41What jokes?
00:34:42Well,
00:34:42he asked us
00:34:42if our favorite
00:34:43TV program was
00:34:46the Dyke Van Dick show.
00:34:51Pretty funny.
00:34:52It's not that funny.
00:34:56Oh.
00:34:57Hey.
00:34:58I'll put this
00:34:58right in.
00:34:59Nice.
00:34:59And it's a bad joke.
00:35:01Yeah, bad joke.
00:35:02That bad guy
00:35:03better hope
00:35:04that you get him
00:35:05before we get him
00:35:06because if we get him,
00:35:08we're gonna
00:35:08rip his dick off.
00:35:10And then we're gonna
00:35:11bounce his balls
00:35:12on the ground
00:35:12so hard
00:35:13that they land
00:35:13on the moon
00:35:14and feed what's left
00:35:15to the goldfish.
00:35:16Yes.
00:35:18Where are you from?
00:35:20I love it
00:35:20when they dominate.
00:35:21Look at you.
00:35:23A tough place, eh?
00:35:24You want to see tough?
00:35:26See that pool table
00:35:27over there?
00:35:27Yeah.
00:35:29Cutting the ball.
00:35:36Boy, those were
00:35:37some pretty scary
00:35:39girls, weren't they?
00:35:41You know, that tall one
00:35:41gave me a real boner.
00:35:43What?
00:35:44Boners.
00:35:45Give me a boner.
00:35:46What's a boner?
00:35:49Boner, it's a...
00:35:50Yeah.
00:35:52Well, it's like a fish.
00:35:54You know, you debone a fish.
00:35:55Oh, speaking of boners,
00:35:57I'm starved.
00:35:57What do you say
00:35:58we got something to eat?
00:35:59I can't eat it.
00:36:00I got about ten more
00:36:01minutes on this ship.
00:36:02Here, why don't you
00:36:02just finish up this
00:36:03chocolate bar?
00:36:04Oh, you don't mind?
00:36:06Thanks.
00:36:06Go ahead.
00:36:10Oh, yeah.
00:36:11Hey, Kent.
00:36:13Haven't seen you for a while.
00:36:14Why haven't you called?
00:36:15Dave, I've been a little busy.
00:36:16I'll give you a call.
00:36:18Don't worry.
00:36:19I'm gonna go watch my fingers.
00:36:20I got chocolate all over.
00:36:21I'm enjoying you.
00:36:22You gotta drain the lizard.
00:36:23What?
00:36:23The lizard.
00:36:24What's that?
00:36:25You look like a horn toad.
00:36:31See this machine here?
00:36:33Sells these little rubbers.
00:36:34Says for the prevention of disease.
00:36:35Don't believe it.
00:36:36I wore one for three weeks.
00:36:37I got mumps.
00:36:40Oh, no.
00:36:41I got water all over
00:36:42the front of my pants.
00:36:43Oh, no.
00:36:44Use the blow dryer over there.
00:36:45Over there?
00:36:46Oh, I can't go out there
00:36:47like this.
00:36:48Give me a hand, will you?
00:36:50There.
00:36:51Oh, oh, oh.
00:36:53There you go.
00:36:53You up there?
00:36:54There you go.
00:37:07We better get out of here
00:37:08before we get arrested.
00:37:12Yeah, get some menus.
00:37:13Okay.
00:37:14All right.
00:37:16What do you have?
00:37:18How much is coffee?
00:37:1930 cents.
00:37:21Okay, a refill.
00:37:22Refills are free.
00:37:23Okay, give me a refill
00:37:24and a slice of garlic cake.
00:37:26Okay, and you?
00:37:28I think I'm gonna have
00:37:28the steak dinner, okay?
00:37:30Soup or salad?
00:37:31What kind of soup you got?
00:37:32Cream of washroom.
00:37:34Cream of washroom?
00:37:35Sounds good.
00:37:35I'll have that.
00:37:36How do you want your steak?
00:37:37Well, as Ronald Reagan
00:37:39would say,
00:37:41well...
00:37:47Thanks so much
00:37:49for last night.
00:37:50You were marvelous.
00:37:52Oh, wow.
00:37:56Listen, Melvin,
00:37:57we've been partners
00:37:58for two weeks now, right?
00:37:59And I think we're gonna work together.
00:38:01We ought to know each other.
00:38:02Sure.
00:38:02You know, I got, uh...
00:38:04I got tons of girlfriends.
00:38:06Do you know how to girlfriends?
00:38:08Girls, uh...
00:38:10Well, you like girls, don't you?
00:38:11Well, yeah, of course I do.
00:38:12I mean, who doesn't?
00:38:14Name what?
00:38:17Well, uh...
00:38:18Edith Hutton.
00:38:20Edith Hutton?
00:38:22Do you know her?
00:38:23Know her?
00:38:24The entire Navy knows her.
00:38:26Well, that's nice.
00:38:27I didn't know she was so patriotic.
00:38:29Look, when the FBI
00:38:30looks for fingerprints,
00:38:31the first place they check
00:38:32is her body.
00:38:34No kidding.
00:38:38Well, uh...
00:38:39What kind of girls
00:38:40do you usually like?
00:38:42Well, I like girls
00:38:43that interest
00:38:43the same thing as I am.
00:38:44Yeah, like what?
00:38:46Booze and cheap sex.
00:38:48Let me tell you something, Melvin.
00:38:52You're gonna get married.
00:38:54Marry an ugly girl.
00:38:56Ugly girl?
00:38:56Well, why?
00:38:58Well, you marry a pretty one.
00:39:00Two weeks later,
00:39:00she runs off with somebody else.
00:39:02Well, an ugly girl
00:39:03can run away, too.
00:39:05I know, but who gives a shit?
00:39:07Boo!
00:39:08Hey, wait.
00:39:09What's your thumb
00:39:10doing on my steak?
00:39:11Oh, you want to drop it again?
00:39:13Oh, wait.
00:39:14Look at this.
00:39:15I can't...
00:39:15This is a dirty knife.
00:39:16Let's see.
00:39:19Here we go.
00:39:21What about my soup?
00:39:22Oh, yeah.
00:39:23Soup.
00:39:24Shit.
00:39:27Wow, can you believe this place?
00:39:30God, I believe it.
00:39:31Right here in my car,
00:39:32here's a roach.
00:39:33Hey, busboy.
00:39:34Yeah.
00:39:34Look here.
00:39:35There's a roach in my car.
00:39:36Oh, that's where it's in.
00:39:40Wow, he thinks, Ian.
00:39:45Here's your soup.
00:39:46Now, what's your thumb
00:39:47doing on my soup?
00:39:49I got an infection
00:39:50of my thumb.
00:39:50My doctor told me
00:39:51to keep it warm.
00:39:52Why don't you take
00:39:53and shove that thumb
00:39:54up your ass?
00:39:55I do that
00:39:55when I'm back
00:39:55in the kitchen.
00:40:00It's not bad.
00:40:03Calling car 86.
00:40:04Car 86, come in.
00:40:06Yeah, car 86 reporting.
00:40:08Car 86,
00:40:08go to alley
00:40:09back of Blair Avenue.
00:40:10There is a rape victim
00:40:11in need of help.
00:40:12Respond, code 69.
00:40:14Roger.
00:40:15We'll be right there.
00:40:19What the hell,
00:40:20no tip?
00:40:21Oh, I'm sorry.
00:40:33There she is, Kent.
00:40:35Don't worry, dear.
00:40:36Everything's going to be
00:40:36all right.
00:40:37We're the police.
00:40:39Yo.
00:40:41Oh, officers.
00:40:44It was horrible.
00:40:44There were three of them
00:40:46and they wouldn't stop.
00:40:47Three of them?
00:40:48What were they,
00:40:48gang members?
00:40:49No, they were women.
00:40:50But they had these
00:40:52guns and whips
00:40:53and chains.
00:40:54What did they make you do?
00:40:55Well, first they
00:40:56made me pull out my,
00:40:59pull out my,
00:41:00my, you know.
00:41:02Your pee-pee?
00:41:03Uh-huh.
00:41:06And then and then
00:41:07they made me play with it
00:41:09and pull on it
00:41:09until I,
00:41:11until I,
00:41:12you know.
00:41:13You arrived.
00:41:14Climax.
00:41:15Climax.
00:41:17That's all they did?
00:41:18Is that all?
00:41:19They made me do it
00:41:2013 times.
00:41:2314 times?
00:41:24That's terrible.
00:41:25The first couple of times
00:41:27were fine,
00:41:27but,
00:41:28oh my God,
00:41:29I can't even walk anymore.
00:41:31The strangest rape case
00:41:33ever heard of.
00:41:33You recognize any of it?
00:41:35No,
00:41:36I couldn't see a thing.
00:41:37What do you mean
00:41:38you couldn't see anything?
00:41:39Well, see,
00:41:40I had been drinking
00:41:41a little bit early on
00:41:42and I thought I would
00:41:43just come out here
00:41:44and sort of sleep things off,
00:41:45but the light from the
00:41:46lamppost kept getting
00:41:47in my eyes,
00:41:48so I just kind of
00:41:49put this paper bag
00:41:50over my head.
00:41:55meat market saloon.
00:42:01I was going to start out
00:42:02by handing out
00:42:02some autographed
00:42:03eight by ten pictures
00:42:04of myself.
00:42:04Here we go,
00:42:05all right?
00:42:07Also got some pictures
00:42:08of me as a baby.
00:42:09All right,
00:42:09here we go.
00:42:10Stop the show!
00:42:11Stop the show!
00:42:12This man,
00:42:12the father of my baby!
00:42:15Hey, wait a minute,
00:42:16wait a minute, baby.
00:42:16You can't prove that.
00:42:18Oh, yeah?
00:42:21Yeah!
00:42:41Hey, where do we go
00:42:42to Chase's?
00:42:43Have some chili,
00:42:43huh?
00:42:44Oh, man.
00:42:45He's got a bad chance.
00:42:46Maybe he had a back?
00:42:49I mean,
00:42:50two.
00:42:51Oh, hi.
00:42:52Well,
00:42:52what are you doing here?
00:42:54Well,
00:42:54I came to see the show.
00:42:55Wasn't the unknown comic great?
00:42:57Oh, yeah.
00:42:58He was good.
00:42:58Very good.
00:42:59Yeah, he was.
00:43:00Well,
00:43:00then I didn't see you anywhere.
00:43:02Where were you?
00:43:03I was back there.
00:43:04I was all around the club,
00:43:05but then I had to come out
00:43:06here and patrol also.
00:43:07Oh,
00:43:08do you think that maybe
00:43:09the unknown comic
00:43:10and the bad man
00:43:11are maybe one in the same?
00:43:13Oh,
00:43:14no.
00:43:14In fact,
00:43:14I'm sure they're not
00:43:15because I had a long talk
00:43:16with the unknown comic
00:43:17just before his show
00:43:17and he can account
00:43:18for every one of his
00:43:19whereabouts
00:43:20during the time
00:43:20of the robbery.
00:43:21Oh,
00:43:22good.
00:43:23Melvin,
00:43:23I was going to have
00:43:24a cup of coffee.
00:43:25Do you want to maybe
00:43:26come with me?
00:43:27I'd love to,
00:43:28Sue,
00:43:28but it's,
00:43:29I'm still on duty
00:43:30and I have to find
00:43:31Kent.
00:43:32But sometime
00:43:33we'll get together,
00:43:33me and you,
00:43:34and we'll do our laundry,
00:43:36okay?
00:43:36Okay.
00:43:38All right.
00:43:38Well,
00:43:39I'll see you.
00:43:40Bye,
00:43:40Melvin.
00:43:41Bye.
00:43:43Oh,
00:43:43excuse me,
00:43:43I'm sorry.
00:43:44Oh,
00:43:45Melvin,
00:43:45listen,
00:43:45great show tonight.
00:43:47Great,
00:43:47great.
00:43:48Listen,
00:43:48I got three new club bookings
00:43:50and there's something
00:43:50really big in the works.
00:43:52Melvin,
00:43:52you're going to have
00:43:53to quit your job.
00:43:53You're going to be
00:43:54a big star.
00:43:55Here's a tape
00:43:55of tonight's show.
00:43:56Listen to it
00:43:56when you get a chance,
00:43:57all right?
00:43:57All right,
00:43:57thanks,
00:43:58Kate.
00:43:58Well,
00:43:59what happened
00:43:59to your face?
00:44:00That idiot Barone,
00:44:02he can't do anything,
00:44:03right?
00:44:03Nothing.
00:44:04Oh,
00:44:04I'm sorry.
00:44:05Yeah.
00:44:06Kate,
00:44:06how did you know
00:44:07I was the unknown comic?
00:44:09It's my business
00:44:09to know my client,
00:44:10you know what I mean?
00:44:11See you around.
00:44:12Bye,
00:44:12bye.
00:44:13Hey,
00:44:13remember me,
00:44:14Tony Barone?
00:44:15Huh?
00:44:15You wanted a bag?
00:44:17Here,
00:44:17so I got a bag.
00:44:18You want jokes?
00:44:18I'll give you a fucking joke.
00:44:20Why'd the monkey
00:44:21fall from the tree?
00:44:22He was fucking dead,
00:44:23right?
00:44:23I got all kinds of,
00:44:24what do you call
00:44:25a short spit?
00:44:26What do you want
00:44:27from me already?
00:44:28You guys didn't see
00:44:29another app,
00:44:29a police officer
00:44:30around,
00:44:30did you?
00:44:31No,
00:44:31I haven't seen anybody.
00:44:32Kent,
00:44:33come on.
00:44:34Let's go.
00:44:37Kent.
00:44:44Where the hell
00:44:45could he be?
00:44:48Oh,
00:44:48hi,
00:44:49Melvin.
00:44:49I,
00:44:49I've just
00:44:50taken a little nap.
00:44:54Yep.
00:44:58Yeah.
00:44:59I'm just
00:45:00taking a nap,
00:45:01that's it.
00:45:01Nap.
00:45:02Nap.
00:45:03Yeah,
00:45:03me too.
00:45:05I'm taking a nap too.
00:45:06How can anyone
00:45:07take a nap
00:45:08with all this
00:45:08funny noise?
00:45:13nice.
00:45:14Well,
00:45:14you were a big hit
00:45:15at the comedy
00:45:15and magic club.
00:45:17Now your manager
00:45:18has so many things
00:45:19happening,
00:45:19you can give up
00:45:20your job.
00:45:22You're gonna make
00:45:23a pile of money.
00:45:25And you'll move
00:45:26into Beverly Hills.
00:45:27Any place is better
00:45:28than the backseat
00:45:29of my car.
00:45:30It wasn't that great.
00:45:32Edith didn't show.
00:45:34Then you'll never
00:45:34guess what happened.
00:45:35You found out
00:45:36Edith's allergic to paper.
00:45:37No,
00:45:38after the show
00:45:38we got this call
00:45:39to investigate
00:45:40a peeping Tom.
00:45:43Hubba hubba hubba hubba.
00:45:45So we snuck up
00:45:46on the culprit
00:45:47and beat the crap
00:45:48out of the fat slob.
00:45:51You see,
00:45:52us police are
00:45:52expertly trained
00:45:53in Kung Fu.
00:45:54Yahoo!
00:45:58Yahoo!
00:46:01Yahoo!
00:46:02Yahoo!
00:46:04Yahoo!
00:46:05Yahoo!
00:46:14Anything you say
00:46:15can and will
00:46:16be held against you.
00:46:17Liz Taylor,
00:46:18Michael Jackson,
00:46:19Richard Simmons.
00:46:21How about
00:46:22boy George?
00:46:24Go check on the girl.
00:46:25I'll take care of this guy.
00:46:26Are you really
00:46:27the police?
00:46:28Oh, yes, I am.
00:46:30Okay.
00:46:31But you just
00:46:31can't be too sure.
00:46:33Edith!
00:46:34Well, how did you know
00:46:35my name is Edith?
00:46:36We never met before.
00:46:37Well, no,
00:46:38you see,
00:46:38my sister's name
00:46:39is Edith.
00:46:40And you reminded me
00:46:43of it.
00:46:45I have no idea
00:46:46how terrified I was.
00:46:47It was awful.
00:46:52He just kept
00:46:53staring at me
00:46:54through that window.
00:46:55Well, this window here?
00:46:57Yes.
00:46:58Well, did he
00:46:59see anything?
00:47:00He saw everything.
00:47:02Oh, well,
00:47:02can you describe
00:47:03exactly what happened?
00:47:07Well, I was getting
00:47:08ready for bed.
00:47:09I was really tired.
00:47:11I started to
00:47:12take off my bathroom.
00:47:13But,
00:47:14I'm broke.
00:47:21And then
00:47:22I took my stockings off.
00:47:26Oh, and then
00:47:27I remembered
00:47:28I couldn't wait
00:47:28to get my bra.
00:47:30Oh,
00:47:31feels so good.
00:47:33Woo!
00:47:34Mmm.
00:47:35God,
00:47:36I have nice tits.
00:47:37Oh, my.
00:47:38Then I got up
00:47:39to take these off.
00:47:41That's when
00:47:42I noticed him,
00:47:43that pervert
00:47:44staring at me
00:47:45through the window
00:47:45with those binoculars.
00:47:47Yeah, well,
00:47:48what did he do next?
00:47:49I mean,
00:47:50can you identify
00:47:51these here
00:47:51as being
00:47:52the binoculars
00:47:53that the pervert
00:47:54was using?
00:47:55Yeah, I'm sure.
00:47:56These are them.
00:47:56Okay, okay.
00:47:58Fine.
00:47:59God,
00:48:00it makes me so angry.
00:48:02Well, you're beautiful
00:48:03when you're angry.
00:48:05God, I,
00:48:06I don't understand
00:48:07you men, you know?
00:48:08It just makes me
00:48:08want to puke.
00:48:09Yeah, well,
00:48:10what kind of men
00:48:11do you like?
00:48:12Are you getting
00:48:13this down?
00:48:14Yeah,
00:48:15check off,
00:48:15a robe.
00:48:17Well, I'm dating
00:48:17a nightclub owner.
00:48:18His name is Tex.
00:48:21Tex?
00:48:22You're dating Tex?
00:48:23You know Tex?
00:48:24Well, no, no.
00:48:25My, my, my,
00:48:26my brother's name
00:48:26is Tex.
00:48:27Well, he's a nice guy.
00:48:28He buys me nice things,
00:48:29takes me nice places.
00:48:31Do you know
00:48:31who I'm really mad about?
00:48:33No, who?
00:48:35The unknown comic.
00:48:37He's hot.
00:48:39He makes me horny
00:48:40because he's
00:48:40going to be rich.
00:48:42Oh, no.
00:48:43Well, does he like you?
00:48:44Of course he does.
00:48:46Who wouldn't?
00:48:46And as soon as I can
00:48:47figure out what to do
00:48:48with Tex,
00:48:49the unknown comic
00:48:50will be all mine.
00:48:52Well, does Tex know
00:48:53that you know
00:48:55the unknown comic?
00:48:56Sure he does.
00:48:57He even bet me
00:48:58a diamond bracelet.
00:48:59I couldn't find out
00:49:00what was under that bag.
00:49:02But I'm going to find out
00:49:03what's under that bag
00:49:04and that bag
00:49:06no matter what
00:49:07I have to do.
00:49:11Oh.
00:49:15Let go of me.
00:49:16I'm going to kick you
00:49:17in the fall.
00:49:18Who do you think
00:49:18you're dealing with?
00:49:19Let go of me.
00:49:20I want a lawyer.
00:49:21I want him now.
00:49:22I've got rights.
00:49:23You don't know who I am.
00:49:24I'm a famous movie star.
00:49:26I'm a cop.
00:49:27I've seen better.
00:49:28Don't stop now.
00:49:29Get off.
00:49:30I've got rights.
00:49:31Make go of me.
00:49:32I want him.
00:49:32The off-file report
00:49:33you booked a pervert.
00:49:34All right, Captain.
00:49:35Hey, Melvin,
00:49:35what are you bringing him in for?
00:49:36I'm 409.
00:49:37Shame on you
00:49:37peeking through windows like that.
00:49:39See, he ain't good.
00:49:40I've seen better.
00:49:41You wouldn't believe
00:49:42it this line, dude.
00:49:43Stabbed his own mother
00:49:43with a barbecue for it.
00:49:45Yeah, I tried to put
00:49:45the cuffs on him.
00:49:46He socks me.
00:49:47So I booked him
00:49:47on a 504 and a 316.
00:49:48What's that?
00:49:49Cop socking
00:49:53you bringing your guy in for?
00:49:54604.
00:49:55What's that?
00:49:55Armed robbery.
00:49:57Yo.
00:49:58Jeez.
00:49:59Ah, Randy,
00:50:00you got another
00:50:00cat burglar, huh?
00:50:01Sure, dude.
00:50:02Come on.
00:50:03Yo!
00:50:06Hey!
00:50:09Stop it off the street!
00:50:12Why do they keep
00:50:13my shoelaces?
00:50:14Common procedure
00:50:15when you're booked.
00:50:15We don't want anyone
00:50:16hanging themselves.
00:50:17Sure.
00:50:18You're not going to
00:50:19put me in a cell
00:50:20with one of those
00:50:20hardened and dangerous
00:50:21criminals, are you?
00:50:22Oh, don't worry about that.
00:50:24We'll find you a safe cell.
00:50:25Hey, uh,
00:50:26what are you in here for?
00:50:28Just because I killed
00:50:29myself a pervert,
00:50:30a degenerate!
00:50:33I killed three of them
00:50:35before they caught me.
00:50:36I got one
00:50:37and I broke his fingers.
00:50:39It's quashed his head
00:50:40in a vice.
00:50:41And the second one,
00:50:42I got a three-pound chicken
00:50:43and I stuffed it in his jaw!
00:50:47When I get out of here,
00:50:49I'm going to do something.
00:50:50Maybe we better find you
00:50:51another cell.
00:50:52Why?
00:50:53I like him.
00:50:54He's nice.
00:50:57All right, you guys,
00:50:57this here is a peeping Tom.
00:50:59Any of you guys
00:50:59object to that sort of a crime?
00:51:01Hell no.
00:51:02Looks like you needed
00:51:02the excitement, huh?
00:51:04See?
00:51:04Yeah, they got me in here
00:51:05for having sex
00:51:06with a girl under 18.
00:51:08There's nothing wrong with that.
00:51:09Is there, guys?
00:51:11No.
00:51:11No, there's nothing like
00:51:12a couple 13-year-olds
00:51:13to play with.
00:51:14I'm in here
00:51:15for exposing myself.
00:51:17Heart.
00:51:19There's nothing wrong
00:51:20with that, is there, fellas?
00:51:22Hell no.
00:51:23You were just
00:51:23giving him a treat.
00:51:25Sounds like fun to me.
00:51:27They got me here
00:51:28for doing porno films.
00:51:29Now, y'all like to do
00:51:30porno films, wouldn't you?
00:51:31We all like to be free enough
00:51:33to do porno films.
00:51:35Can I get his autograph?
00:51:37You know, as long as
00:51:38you're all letting it hang out.
00:51:39When I was a kid,
00:51:40I'd go to the field, you know,
00:51:41and I'd make it with a sheep.
00:51:48Oh, man, that's sick.
00:51:50Hey, you're sick.
00:51:52That's sick.
00:51:53You ain't got a problem.
00:51:54I guess everybody's done that
00:51:55at one time or another, right?
00:51:57Just a call, man.
00:51:59You're a boy!
00:52:00Get out of here!
00:52:01Get out of here!
00:52:01Get out of here!
00:52:02Get out of here!
00:52:02Get out of here!
00:52:08I booked you in Vegas
00:52:09a week from Friday.
00:52:11Vegas?
00:52:12Well, that's great, Kate.
00:52:15Oh, but wait.
00:52:16I still have two weeks
00:52:17left on my police job.
00:52:19No, I booked you
00:52:20on your day off.
00:52:21It's just a one-night gig.
00:52:22You know, they want to see
00:52:23how you do in the big room.
00:52:24They're not sure a guy
00:52:25with a bag over his head
00:52:26can pull it off.
00:52:27Well, what do you think?
00:52:29You think we can pull it off?
00:52:31Pull it off?
00:52:32I've hired a choreographer,
00:52:34a conductor, singers,
00:52:35dancers, everything.
00:52:36I mean, this is the big time.
00:52:37Oh, this is great.
00:52:38This is too good to be true.
00:52:40Oh, thanks, Kate.
00:52:41Oh, bye.
00:52:42Bye, kid.
00:52:47Melvin, is it true?
00:52:48Is what true?
00:52:50Captain Lewis got a phone call
00:52:51earlier linking you
00:52:52with the bag man.
00:52:53I overheard him saying
00:52:54he was going to inspect
00:52:55your locker.
00:52:56So I rushed over there first.
00:52:58Well, then I found
00:52:59over 50 paper bags.
00:53:03I put them in my desk.
00:53:05Oh, well, that's what happened
00:53:07to them.
00:53:07You know, I was wondering
00:53:08what happened to those bags.
00:53:10See, I've been collecting
00:53:11those bags as evidence
00:53:12against the bag man.
00:53:13I am this close
00:53:14to breaking that case.
00:53:16I know you're such
00:53:17a good person.
00:53:18You wouldn't hurt a fly.
00:53:23Well, you're a good person.
00:53:24Of course I am.
00:53:25And you've got good instincts.
00:53:26And you've got to believe in them.
00:53:28Because I am a good person.
00:53:29And I am honest.
00:53:31I believe you.
00:53:32You're a good guy, Sue.
00:53:34And sometime we ought to
00:53:35go somewhere and just
00:53:36have some fun.
00:53:37Yeah?
00:53:37Yeah.
00:53:38Maybe we could go
00:53:39to my apartment
00:53:39and vacuum it.
00:53:42Hmm, that sounds great.
00:53:43Yeah.
00:53:44Hey, listen, next week
00:53:45is my birthday.
00:53:46And I heard that
00:53:46the Unknown Comic
00:53:47is going to be playing
00:53:47in Las Vegas.
00:53:49So, as a treat for myself,
00:53:50I was going to go down there.
00:53:51And being that I make
00:53:52out your schedule,
00:53:53I know you're not working
00:53:54next Friday,
00:53:55so maybe you'd like
00:53:56to join me.
00:53:57Oh, no, you see,
00:53:58I couldn't, you see.
00:53:59Well, to tell you the truth,
00:54:01I'm sort of seeing
00:54:01someone else.
00:54:03Yeah, she's a knockout, too.
00:54:04Her name is,
00:54:05her name is Edith.
00:54:06Oh, she's got long,
00:54:08blonde hair, you know,
00:54:09and sometime maybe
00:54:10the three of us
00:54:10we can go bowling.
00:54:11Oh, am I kidding?
00:54:13She's not the bowling type.
00:54:14She's not a buddy
00:54:14like you are.
00:54:15But, uh,
00:54:16we'll get together
00:54:17sometime soon,
00:54:18we'll go out somewhere.
00:54:19Just the three of us,
00:54:20okay?
00:54:21I'll see you later.
00:54:26Yes, I'm tense.
00:54:28Of course I'm tense.
00:54:29Tonight's my big night
00:54:30in Vegas.
00:54:31I hope that bag man
00:54:32doesn't rob another bar.
00:54:33Everybody thinks it's me.
00:54:35I'm not even sure
00:54:36it's not me.
00:54:37Do you think it's me?
00:54:38Do you think I'm crazy?
00:54:40Am I schizophrenic?
00:54:42Help me, Doc.
00:54:43You gotta help me.
00:54:43What do you think?
00:54:47I think we came over
00:54:48on different ships.
00:54:50So we're in the same boat now.
00:54:52I don't understand, Doc.
00:54:56Have a great time in Vegas.
00:54:59It's a great marquee, Kate.
00:55:00I don't believe it.
00:55:01They forgot my name.
00:55:03You have me to thank
00:55:03for everything.
00:55:05Oh, and don't forget
00:55:05the party in the suite tomorrow.
00:55:07Yeah.
00:55:08But where's my name?
00:55:09I don't see my name up there.
00:55:11Where's my name?
00:55:32Ladies and gentlemen,
00:55:34the unknown comic.
00:55:46All right, keep that applause
00:55:47going for the baguettes,
00:55:49ladies and gentlemen.
00:55:52My first night in Las Vegas.
00:55:53I really got 14 girls
00:55:55in a sack with me, right?
00:55:58I'd like to introduce
00:55:59my parents in the audience,
00:56:00all the way from Sacramento,
00:56:01Mr. and Mrs. Bagovitz.
00:56:04My and Paul Bagovitz.
00:56:07And also in the audience,
00:56:09they just flew in
00:56:10all the way from Baghdad,
00:56:11my grandparents,
00:56:12grandma and grandpa.
00:56:13Tell them to take a pause.
00:56:13There they are,
00:56:14ladies and gentlemen.
00:56:15Grandma and grandpa.
00:56:19Yeah, you don't know me, do you?
00:56:21That's why I carry this.
00:56:23That's why my American Express car
00:56:25gets me to any restaurant
00:56:26in the country.
00:56:26I just go at 3 in the morning
00:56:27after they've closed
00:56:28and stick it between the door
00:56:29and the lock.
00:56:33How are they themselves?
00:56:34Oh, terrific.
00:56:35Absolutely terrific.
00:56:36There he is.
00:56:37You're funny.
00:56:38Oh, thanks, bud.
00:56:39We had a meeting
00:56:39with the board of directors
00:56:40this morning.
00:56:41And I'd like to offer you
00:56:42a contract with a hotel.
00:56:43You know, it all started
00:56:45when I was a little kid.
00:56:46I always wanted to be funny.
00:56:48I'm not making my job
00:56:49any easier.
00:56:50Why don't you go talk
00:56:51to the press people
00:56:52and I'll explain to Mr. Egglasher
00:56:54your book's solid
00:56:55and you need a lot of money.
00:56:57All right.
00:56:57Nice meeting you, Mr. Bagovitz.
00:56:58Yes, it was nice to meet you.
00:57:00You too.
00:57:00No, no.
00:57:01Bye-bye.
00:57:01Can I get an interview here?
00:57:02Just one minute.
00:57:03You have any money on you?
00:57:05Do you have any plans
00:57:06to do a movie?
00:57:07Yeah, I'd love to do
00:57:08a porno movie.
00:57:09Are you kidding?
00:57:10Hello.
00:57:10Eat it.
00:57:11Well, I thought your show
00:57:12was dynamite last night.
00:57:14I want you to know
00:57:15I know about you and Tex.
00:57:18Well, then I guess
00:57:19I'd better tell you.
00:57:20You see, Tex is in deep
00:57:21shit with the IRS.
00:57:23Well, he feels you're the only
00:57:24one that can help him.
00:57:25He wants you to do a benefit
00:57:26performance at the club.
00:57:27Yeah?
00:57:28Why don't you take that bag
00:57:29off when I'm talking to you?
00:57:32Anyway, I've been waiting
00:57:34so long for you and I
00:57:35to be together.
00:57:36Haven't you?
00:57:39Aren't you worried
00:57:40Tex will find out about us?
00:57:42Well, he never found out
00:57:43about the others.
00:57:44Mmm.
00:57:45Oh, shit.
00:57:46God damn fucking glass.
00:57:48My dress is all wet.
00:57:50Give me a hand here, will you,
00:57:51before I rip your sack off.
00:57:52No.
00:57:54Puke.
00:58:01Excuse me, Miss John Noe comic.
00:58:03I saw your show last night.
00:58:04It was really terrific.
00:58:05Could I have you autograph?
00:58:07Of course.
00:58:07Excuse me.
00:58:08You're interrupting us.
00:58:09Now, why don't you take
00:58:10your tits and ass and get lost?
00:58:12Oh, I'm sorry.
00:58:12I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
00:58:14It's okay.
00:58:15She's just a fan.
00:58:16Hey!
00:58:17I thought we had something
00:58:18going here until this dumb
00:58:19bitch showed up.
00:58:20Uh-oh.
00:58:21You can talk about my tits
00:58:23and you can talk about my ass.
00:58:25I don't know.
00:58:25But don't ever call me dumb.
00:58:34Hey, I hope you can swim.
00:58:36I apologize.
00:58:38You should be a stunt woman.
00:58:42Oh!
00:58:43Oh!
00:58:45I can't go!
00:58:47Oh, get the fuck out of here.
00:58:52You really showed her.
00:58:54I love that dress you're wearing.
00:58:55Oh, that's nice.
00:58:57I never knew you had such big tits.
00:58:58I think you're really terrific.
00:59:00But I have a boyfriend.
00:59:01Oh, he doesn't seem to know I exist, but...
00:59:03What an idiot this guy must be.
00:59:05Well, his name is Melvin.
00:59:07Oh, and by the way, I'm Sue.
00:59:08Do you think you can make that out
00:59:09to both of us, Melvin and Sue?
00:59:11Melvin and Sue.
00:59:14Well, I hope that you're not mad at me
00:59:17and I'm really sorry about your girlfriend.
00:59:19Oh, no.
00:59:19It's all right.
00:59:21Oh, uh, Edith.
00:59:22Edith.
00:59:23Do me a favor and set up a benefit performance
00:59:25at Texas Comedy Club.
00:59:26All right, all right.
00:59:27But I want to tell you something.
00:59:28The bad man just committed another robbery
00:59:30and you're the prime suspect.
00:59:31That's right.
00:59:32You sure aren't bag-faced.
00:59:34But I assured the captain
00:59:35you were with me during the robberies, okay?
00:59:38And the captain and I are going to have dinner tonight
00:59:40and discuss it.
00:59:42So tell me, captain,
00:59:43how long have you secretly been
00:59:45the head of the FBI and CIA?
00:59:48Calling all cars, calling all cars.
00:59:50Be on the lookout for the bag men.
00:59:52Captain received another anonymous tip
00:59:55reporting him in our preseason.
00:59:56Be on the alert.
00:59:58Yeah, if we're sent to the oncoming benefit show tonight.
01:00:01You don't mind if I wait outside again, do you?
01:00:03Oh, no.
01:00:04No problem.
01:00:05Go right ahead.
01:00:06Great.
01:00:06Car 86, report to 714 Conk Street.
01:00:09Transvestite disturbing the peace.
01:00:11Uh, 10-4.
01:00:12There we go.
01:00:17Yes!
01:00:18Meet me!
01:00:19Meet me!
01:00:20Wait at me!
01:00:21Wait at me!
01:00:22Wait at me!
01:00:22Stop on me!
01:00:24Shoot me!
01:00:25Shoot me!
01:00:26Ah!
01:00:32Boy, people are really strange
01:00:33at this time of night.
01:00:34No, they're not.
01:00:35Yeah, they are.
01:00:35No, they're not.
01:00:36Yeah, they are.
01:00:36No, they're not.
01:00:37Yeah, they are not.
01:00:38Not!
01:00:38Hey, man, watch out for razor blades.
01:00:40Car 86, report to 917 Osco Avenue.
01:00:43Dope deal in progress.
01:00:45Report armed.
01:00:46Suspects are armed and dangerous.
01:00:48Repeat, armed and dangerous.
01:00:50Melton, be careful.
01:00:52They're armed and dangerous.
01:00:54All right.
01:01:08All right, everybody.
01:01:09This is a bus.
01:01:11No, this is a bus.
01:01:13No, she's right.
01:01:14What have you got in your hand there?
01:01:15It's a joint.
01:01:17No, babe, this is a joint.
01:01:19Let me see if that's any water.
01:01:21Is that marijuana?
01:01:22I've never tried this before.
01:01:23Pull it in, man.
01:01:25Ooh.
01:01:27Is that the marijuana you're thinking of?
01:01:30I don't know, man.
01:01:32It's a flavor to it.
01:01:35It's not that joint.
01:01:36It's not that joint.
01:01:37It's not that joint.
01:01:39It's not that joint.
01:01:41It's not that joint.
01:01:44It's not that joint.
01:01:45Really?
01:01:46It's not that joint.
01:01:46I don't feel anything.
01:01:47You don't feel those?
01:01:49Holy cow.
01:01:51Well, no offense.
01:01:52Oh, no.
01:01:53Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
01:01:55Oh, you got a beard.
01:01:56I didn't even see the beard.
01:01:58Did you see that?
01:01:58I've never seen it either.
01:01:59It's got no hair on it.
01:02:01I don't feel a thing about it.
01:02:03It really is.
01:02:04Except maybe a little hungry.
01:02:07Oh, yeah.
01:02:08Look at this.
01:02:09Oh, wow.
01:02:09Oh, wow.
01:02:11Oh, yeah.
01:02:12It's great.
01:02:13Oh, yeah.
01:02:14Oh, yeah.
01:02:15Come on.
01:02:15Come on.
01:02:16Come on.
01:02:16Come on.
01:02:18We got it.
01:02:18We got it.
01:02:20Let's get it.
01:02:43Ten for a dollar.
01:02:45Melvin?
01:02:46Melvin, come in.
01:02:47Are you okay?
01:02:48I'll take whatever you got.
01:02:50Sue.
01:02:50Sue, come in.
01:02:51Sue.
01:02:52Sue.
01:02:52One of them twelve.
01:02:54Yeah.
01:02:55Hey, these things, these razors, they'll give you a close shave.
01:02:59Hey, you want a close shave?
01:03:00I'll give you a close shave.
01:03:02Listen, you clowns, I just received another anonymous tip that the next bar to be robbed
01:03:06by this fat man is Leroy Agogo, a black pump over at Carver.
01:03:10You guys are going to report as undercover policemen.
01:03:12Undercover?
01:03:13Yes, undercover.
01:03:14When do we report?
01:03:16Right now.
01:03:16You don't have much time.
01:03:1710-4.
01:03:1810-4, Captain.
01:03:19Roger and out.
01:03:20Okay, bye.
01:03:21Yeah, and one more thing.
01:03:22Today is my birthday.
01:03:24Oh, but Captain, your birthday was last month.
01:03:27Are you calling me a liar?
01:03:28Happy birthday to you.
01:03:43You're running out of control.
01:03:48LAPD.
01:03:49Well, at least run out of control.
01:03:52LAPD.
01:03:53Along the streets of your city.
01:03:57LAPD.
01:03:58Ha!
01:04:02All right, that was really nice of those guys to switch outfits with us, wasn't it?
01:04:07Oh, yeah.
01:04:08Hey, you didn't have to bring your weapon, did you?
01:04:10Forget my weapon?
01:04:11No, no.
01:04:12I traded it for this radio.
01:04:14You got him.
01:04:17Hey.
01:04:19Let's get out of here.
01:04:21Let's get out of here.
01:04:22He wants the light out, He takes his life into his hand.
01:04:29We going to make her the right hand.
01:04:31Let's go, lad.
01:04:32Let's get out of here.
01:04:36Be cool.
01:04:37Be cool, man.
01:04:55Pardon me, gentlemen.
01:04:57Do you have reservations?
01:04:59We're undercover. Police.
01:05:02Uh, well, uh, okay.
01:05:04Just don't cause any commotion.
01:05:06Oh, let me in. We don't want to be noticed, right?
01:05:16I feel good. I feel good.
01:05:18Give me five, brother. Give me five.
01:05:20Hey, what's happening, mama?
01:05:21I feel good. I feel real good.
01:05:23Look bad, but I feel good.
01:05:24I can dig it. You can dig it. Can you dig it?
01:05:26Maybe not. Okay.
01:05:28Hey, bro, what's happening?
01:05:30I beg your pardon, sir.
01:05:32Are you speaking to me?
01:05:34Oh, yeah. A groovy place you guys got here.
01:05:36Hey, bro, how's it hanging?
01:05:37Hey, white man.
01:05:38You ever heard of black power?
01:05:40Oh, yeah. I use it in my kitchen.
01:05:42Get rid of those bugs. Great stuff.
01:05:44Bartender?
01:05:46What do you have?
01:05:48Copper?
01:05:48Yeah, give me a scotch on the rocks and hurry, please.
01:05:51Show me the rocks.
01:05:54Warm in here.
01:05:57Oh, can I get another ice cube, please?
01:06:04Maybe not.
01:06:05I gotta go pee anyway.
01:06:06Potty.
01:06:07I gotta go potty.
01:06:09Get it.
01:06:10We're in the bathroom.
01:06:11People go ahead. Just watch it.
01:06:12Right on.
01:06:14Hey, you live around here?
01:06:15Yes.
01:06:18All right, everybody.
01:06:19This is a stick-up.
01:06:20Don't anybody move.
01:06:21You, buckwheat, get all the money in this bag.
01:06:24Uh-uh, copper.
01:06:25Don't move that hand or I'll blow it off.
01:06:27Come on, you. Move it. Move it.
01:06:29I want all the tips, too.
01:06:31Come on. Hurry up.
01:06:32Come on, four eyes.
01:06:33Good.
01:06:35I've got a joke for you that'll make your hair curl.
01:06:37Oh, you already heard it.
01:06:39I guess the only credit card this club takes is massive charge.
01:06:43Get it? Massage charge.
01:06:46How are you, everybody? I'm the police.
01:06:50Hey, Brad, what's happening, babe?
01:06:52What are you doing in Hollywood?
01:06:53Oh, that's great. I see you're up with a joke, Brad.
01:06:57Vince, what happened?
01:06:58I'm gonna tell you what happened.
01:06:59Bagman just robbed this place.
01:07:01What?
01:07:01Yeah, you were in the bathroom, huh?
01:07:03Then the bagman leaves, and you come out of the bathroom.
01:07:06What a coincidence.
01:07:07Captain Lewis told me he suspected you.
01:07:09Let me see you on your neck.
01:07:10Why?
01:07:11Huh?
01:07:12Just as I suspected.
01:07:13What?
01:07:14Paper cuts.
01:07:18As far as I'm concerned, you're my number one suspect.
01:07:20Now, what are you doing in that bathroom?
01:07:22Number two.
01:07:24Okay, you're my number two suspect.
01:07:28You two guys really screwed up, didn't you, huh?
01:07:31Well, I'm gonna give you one more chance.
01:07:33We're going over the comedy camera, Ray,
01:07:34and we're gonna find out once and for all
01:07:36if the unknown comic is really the bagman,
01:07:38or if you are the unknown comic
01:07:40or maybe the bagman is you
01:07:42or the unknown comic is the bagman,
01:07:44but if you're not the unknown comic
01:07:45and you're not the bagman,
01:07:47then we're gonna go over and find out.
01:07:52Hey, look out!
01:07:56Hey, look at this part of you, look at your face.
01:07:58Hey, you can go back.
01:07:59Hey, I'm taking a talk story, Captain.
01:08:01Come on, let me out.
01:08:03There you go.
01:08:03All right, here we go.
01:08:06Take this weird girl around the corner.
01:08:08We don't arouse any suspicion.
01:08:10Yes, sir.
01:08:11What's up tonight?
01:08:11I don't know.
01:08:12Hey, can I get a drink?
01:08:12Who's the owner of this place?
01:08:14I am.
01:08:19Seems to be the trouble, officer.
01:08:21Oh, no trouble at all.
01:08:22We're just gonna find out
01:08:23if the unknown comic is really a comic.
01:08:27Who are these two idiots?
01:08:29We're also undercover police officers.
01:08:31I hope someone uncovers the unknown comic soon.
01:08:35It's almost showtime and he hasn't showed up yet.
01:08:38Well, we want a few words with him after the show.
01:08:41Well, I wouldn't be too hard on him.
01:08:42He probably has a pretty good excuse.
01:08:46It'll be very interesting to find out
01:08:48if the unknown comic shows up at all.
01:08:51Right, Melvin?
01:08:55Hi, Captain.
01:08:56Oh, I gotta go to the bar and mingle.
01:08:58Let me check your doll.
01:09:00Put me down!
01:09:01Get out of here!
01:09:02And Melvin, you stay right there!
01:09:04Don't you move!
01:09:05And Captain, you'll keep an eye on Melvin!
01:09:08And I...
01:09:09Captain Lewis, you said you were gonna call me last night
01:09:11and you didn't.
01:09:12Were you lying?
01:09:12Oh, if I lied to you, may the Lord take my voice away!
01:09:16And I...
01:09:18Wait a sec like this!
01:09:24Those guys sure don't seem to trust you very much.
01:09:26No, they think that I know something about this unknown comic character.
01:09:30You know, there's been a rumor that the unknown comic
01:09:32and this bag man that's been robbing all the bars
01:09:34is one and the same.
01:09:36Yeah, well, I've got a feeling neither one of them
01:09:38is gonna show up tonight.
01:09:41Hi, I know this is the night you've all been waiting for.
01:09:44Please welcome the unknown comic!
01:09:58And I've got a joke, you're just gonna make your boobies fall off.
01:10:01You already heard it.
01:10:05Oh, she's pissed now.
01:10:07Don't worry, I can make your boobies seem larger.
01:10:09I have small hands.
01:10:13I'm telling you, I just flew in from Las Vegas.
01:10:16Yeah, what a bummer.
01:10:16I got airsick and nobody knew.
01:10:20All right, some of you suckers are holding in your laps.
01:10:22Now, don't do that, folks.
01:10:22It creates gas.
01:10:24That's right, everybody.
01:10:25Give me an H.
01:10:26H!
01:10:26Give me an A.
01:10:27H!
01:10:28Give me an H.
01:10:29H!
01:10:29Give me an A.
01:10:30What's his spell?
01:10:31Ah!
01:10:32Yeah, don't you feel better?
01:10:34Ah!
01:10:35Okay, everybody.
01:10:35Hold up.
01:10:37Nobody move a muscle.
01:10:38I swear to God, I'll blow you away.
01:10:40You, put all the money in this bag right now.
01:10:42Move it now.
01:10:43Give it to me.
01:10:45You've been such a good audience, I'd like to leave you with a joke.
01:10:48How do you keep a room full of assholes in suspense?
01:10:52I'll tell you tomorrow.
01:10:53Unknown, darling, I've got to talk to you.
01:10:55I love you.
01:10:56Don't you see we were meant for each other?
01:10:58Get away from me.
01:10:59I got the time.
01:11:00I got the money.
01:11:02Oh, no.
01:11:15Hey, what's going on here?
01:11:28What's going on here?
01:11:30Who needs to be?
01:11:32Right.
01:11:45Don't you make a move, or I'll blow your brakes out.
01:11:56What the hell?
01:11:58There he is.
01:12:00Come on.
01:12:01Come on.
01:12:02Come on.
01:12:02Come on.
01:12:04Come on.
01:12:05Come on.
01:12:06Come on.
01:12:06Come on.
01:12:06There he is.
01:12:07I said, hey.
01:12:10I said, hey.
01:12:12I said, hey.
01:12:12I said, hey.
01:12:14Hey.
01:12:15Hey.
01:12:15Ho.
01:12:16Hey.
01:12:17Ho.
01:12:17Hey.
01:12:17Hey.
01:12:17We're gonna have a time.
01:12:19We're gonna have a time.
01:12:22We're gonna have a time.
01:12:24We're gonna have a time.
01:12:29We're gonna have a time.
01:12:36Me, whoo, ho.
01:12:40Hey, hey.
01:12:42Ho, ho.
01:12:43Hey, hey.
01:12:43Ho, ho.
01:12:44You know I'm in the mood.
01:12:48You know I'm in the mood.
01:12:51You know I'm in the mood.
01:12:56White guy!
01:12:58I'll kill you.
01:13:00Hey, you don't talk how did I got you?
01:13:01Let's go, okay, but we're swaying these on.
01:13:05I thought I saw the slumbag go this way.
01:13:07Hey, baby, check this out.
01:13:51All right, you got me.
01:13:54You're the big man.
01:13:56You've got the gun.
01:13:57Go ahead, shoot me.
01:13:59Shoot me, you coward, you lowlife, you scumbag.
01:14:04Give him your gun.
01:14:05I'm not going to give my gun.
01:14:06Give him your gun!
01:14:15Who the hell do you think you are anyway?
01:14:18Clint Eastwood?
01:14:20Make my night.
01:14:24Come on, quit pissing around.
01:14:26Let's get to it.
01:14:34I'm sure we will get it.
01:14:35Go away.
01:14:37To your side.
01:14:44Make my night.
01:14:46I'll be right back.
01:14:47Go away.
01:14:48I'll be right back.
01:14:49I'll be right back.
01:14:50Oh, wait.
01:14:58I'll be right back.
01:14:58I'll be right back.
01:14:59I'll be right back.
01:19:24Merry Christmas.
01:19:24Oh, Melvin.
01:19:29Wait a minute.
01:19:30You've got an actor finished.
01:19:39We can't make love like this anymore
01:20:22Finish the job
01:20:23Hey, like Robert De Niro says
01:20:26Oh, oh yeah
01:20:28Get down there, you little cutie
01:20:31Way down there
01:20:32I'm going, baby
01:20:44I don't believe it
01:20:45Are you calling me a liar?
01:21:00I don't believe it
01:21:14Captain, uh, shit
01:21:16Captain, shit
01:21:18First time you're meeting the captain, Kent
01:21:24We're coming
01:21:33Captain, uh, Kent Lane not reporting
01:21:40Marker
01:21:44Hi, Sue
01:21:45Oh, hi, Sue
01:21:52Melvin
01:21:57Oh, hi, Sue
01:22:02Oh, hi, Sue
01:22:06Melvin, is it true?
01:22:07How about the size of my dick?
01:22:13It's my business to know, kid
01:22:14Hey, keep up
01:22:15Hey, you, Tex, come here
01:22:35Well, I'll see you next time
01:22:36See ya
01:22:36Bye, bye
01:22:42I'll see you in the more
01:22:48You're coming on like you're my best friend
01:22:53I know you'd like to think my life depends on you
01:22:57Why don't you stop, why don't you take a listen round
01:23:00If your thoughts don't make a sound
01:23:03Why don't you change your way of thinking
01:23:07If you're gonna make a run, boy
01:23:10Better make it fast
01:23:17If you're gonna make a big noise
01:23:22Better make it last
01:23:29LAPD
01:23:30You're running out of control
01:23:34LAPD
01:23:35Police run out of control
01:23:39LAPD
01:23:40Along the streets of your city
01:23:44LAPD
01:23:45Ha!
01:23:55The Russian justice rule the streets of your city
01:24:00I hear a cry of anger rise upon this land
01:24:04Why don't you stop, why don't you stop
01:24:06For he who cries out
01:24:08What's the lies of
01:24:10He takes his life into his hand
01:24:15If you're gonna make a run, boy
01:24:18Better make it fast
01:24:24If you're gonna make a big noise
01:24:27If you're gonna make a big noise
01:24:30Better make it last
01:24:37LAPD
01:24:38You're running out of control
01:24:42LAPD
01:24:43Police run out of control
01:24:45LAPD
01:24:47LAPD
01:24:48Along the streets of your city
01:24:50LAPD
01:24:53LAPD
01:24:55LAPD
01:24:56LAPD
01:24:56LAPD
01:24:57LAPD
01:25:00LAPD
01:25:05LAPD
01:25:06LAPD
01:25:08LAPD
01:25:09LAPD
01:25:09LAPD
01:25:09LAPD
01:25:09LAPD
01:25:09LAPD
01:25:09LAPD
01:25:10LAPD
01:25:10LAPD
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