- 2 weeks ago
Have I Got News for You - Season 71 Episode 8 - Alexander Armstrong, Phil Wang, Judi Love
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00:37Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:39I'm Alexander Armstrong.
00:41In the news this week, in Cheshire,
00:42the world's richest dog supervises the digging up of his favourite bone.
00:48.
00:53In Pyongyang, a four-hour speech by Kim Jong-un begins to take its toll on the bladder.
01:00.
01:01.
01:01.
01:02.
01:03.
01:03.
01:04.
01:04.
01:07And the owner of Julie's Café in Romford rejects suggestions that customers would
01:11be put off if they knew how she made her omelettes.
01:15.
01:20.
01:20On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently revealed his love of the horror genre
01:24and is a particular fan of The Walking Dead, so you've got at least one supporter, Prime Minister.
01:28Please welcome, Phil Wang.
01:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:36On Paul's team tonight is a stand-up and presenter
01:39who is usually surrounded by loose women.
01:41But tonight, we'll have to make do with some uptight men.
01:43Please welcome, Judy Love.
01:50We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:52Ian and Phil, here is yours.
01:54Oh, Andy Burnham.
01:56Bye-bye, Manchester.
01:58West Reading had his sixth warm open day.
02:02Keir Starmer making some coffee.
02:04This will keep people awake after they listen to me.
02:08Oh, I used to be a barrister.
02:18We've got another by-election, baby.
02:21Mm-hm.
02:21That's too much.
02:22I'm learning a new constituency every week.
02:25Yeah.
02:25And what is the constituency in this case?
02:27This case is Makerfield.
02:29Yes.
02:29So now I know about Makerfield, I know about Gorton and Denton.
02:32Yes.
02:33I assumed I was a comedy-doer from the 70s, Gorton and Denton, but...
02:36Most of the council elections point to a reform victory.
02:40So it would be a lot of effort to give up being mayor,
02:43give up, you know, your job and then go and lose a by-election.
02:47But he may not.
02:49He may not deliver the comedy value that that would entail.
02:55There are other parties, I've got to say that,
02:57because this is the BBC.
02:59Fringe parties you have to mention now.
03:01The Conservatives are standing.
03:03And now Andy Burnham, in his hopes to replace a Prime Minister
03:08who keeps U-turning, has U-turned on his Brexit position
03:14to...to kind of be a friend to all sides, yeah.
03:16But by doing a U-turn, he's proved he's fit for office.
03:20Yeah.
03:21But, I mean, the thing about U-turns is, I mean,
03:23it's always portrayed as, ah, you've changed your mind.
03:26Mm.
03:27But that's a good thing, isn't it?
03:28Sometimes, you know, as reality changes,
03:30otherwise, you know, we'd still be appeasing Hitler.
03:34That is a very good analogy.
03:36Thank you very much.
03:38I spent all night thinking of that.
03:40But it is true, though, isn't it?
03:41I mean, if somebody just rigorously stuck to the same policy
03:45despite changing circumstances, that would be odd as well, wouldn't it?
03:47That would be Liz Truss.
03:48Oh!
03:50I suppose it depends how many times they U-turn.
03:53Yeah, well, they U-turn twice, they're in the same direction.
03:56This is true.
03:57It doesn't matter.
03:58What's the really bad news for Wes Streeting, though?
04:01Um...
04:02No-one likes him.
04:04He's less popular than Keir Starmer,
04:07which no-one thought was possible.
04:09This is right.
04:10According to YouGov, in a leadership contest,
04:12Addy Burnham would beat him easily.
04:15Keir Starmer would beat him easily.
04:18What about Angela Rayner?
04:19What about Angela Rayner?
04:20What about Angela Rayner?
04:21Angela Rayner would beat him physically.
04:22Beat him easily.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:28APPLAUSE
04:33I'm sure there's someone, if they thought about it, who he could beat.
04:37Ah!
04:38LAUGHTER
04:40Do anyone know when the by-election's happening?
04:43June.
04:4418th?
04:4418th, yeah.
04:45Which is an important European anniversary.
04:48Do anyone know what that is?
04:49Is it the Black Death?
04:50No, more is than that.
04:52It's the anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo.
04:54Is it?
04:54Yes.
04:55Excellent.
04:56I only found out the Battle of Waterloo didn't happen in Waterloo,
04:59in London.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02I assumed it was there.
05:04I was like, well, why would it be called the Battle of Waterloo?
05:06I mean, it could be that they named the railway station after the battle.
05:09Yeah, I put that together, you know.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:12LAUGHTER
05:15No, I just...
05:16Just the thought.
05:17Are you equally baffled by the Battle of Trafalgar?
05:20Yeah.
05:21It's a...
05:21Were they on top of the pillar, or how did they...?
05:24LAUGHTER
05:25Did everyone see reforms Robert Jenrick in the Commons this week?
05:29He was in full flow, giving it to the government.
05:31Let's have a look at that.
05:32Yeah.
05:33People across our country, including most in my home county of Nottinghamshire,
05:37put their trust in this party.
05:40Why?
05:41Because they promised change.
05:43They said they would do things differently.
05:45They would be better.
05:46They would end the chaos.
05:47They would put country before party.
05:50And where are we?
05:52Where are we less than two years later?
05:55You're in a different party.
05:56We're here.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:59We...
06:00We're here.
06:03Where are we? We're here.
06:04You need to be here.
06:05We're here.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:08LAUGHTER
06:12You've got to love it.
06:13While we're discussing reform and how Nigel Farage paid for his new house,
06:17was anyone surprised by how much Farage claims he was paid for being on
06:21I'm a Celebrity?
06:22Yeah.
06:23One and a half million.
06:24One and a half million.
06:24One and a half million.
06:25Yeah.
06:26For eating what?
06:27Like...
06:27Goat's dick.
06:29Yeah.
06:30Duck tongue and slug dick.
06:31I eat the Chinese New Year for free every year.
06:33LAUGHTER
06:33Does that surprise you at all, Judy?
06:35I would like...
06:36The fact that he got some money and...
06:38Yeah, I'd like...
06:39You'd like to do it?
06:40No, no!
06:41No, I've had a...
06:42No, no.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:45That's a bit too harsh.
06:46I mean, what...
06:46I mean, it's like, no, not yet.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:52GB News' Keith Bays is still shouting in Downing Street, by the way.
06:56Yes.
06:56Did you see what happened this week?
06:58Er...
06:58No.
06:59Have you got some footage?
07:00I certainly have, yeah.
07:01Let's have a look.
07:02Should we rejoin the European Union, Minister?
07:05Ooh!
07:06Who is running the country while we weren't standing?
07:09LAUGHTER
07:09Be careful, Minister!
07:11LAUGHTER
07:15According to the i-newspaper, Labour ministers are already jostling
07:19for top jobs in the next government.
07:21And, er, talking of Andy Burnham's plum positions...
07:24LAUGHTER
07:26Any strong views on his shorts?
07:28They're not that short.
07:29You should see the pair Ian's wearing tonight.
07:31I mean...
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33According to The Telegraph, most people's reaction would be instant ick.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:38It's interesting that a few days after that photo of Burnham was taken,
07:42Wes Streeting appeared in slightly longer shorts.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:46Ah, yes, good move.
07:48So then Andy Burnham adjusted his shorts as well.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:53That is definitely a phone in your pocket, Bridget.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:58Here are other ministers out running.
08:00Mm-hm.
08:01Michael Gove.
08:02No.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04Oh.
08:05Oh.
08:05No.
08:06He looks like he's running to the hospital.
08:08I don't know.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:09Er, Boris Johnson.
08:12Oh!
08:18Oh, Boris.
08:19Oh, man.
08:20Brest and everything.
08:21I mean...
08:24Matt Hancock.
08:26LAUGHTER
08:28See, maybe politicians just think running brings them closer to the electorate.
08:32Here is Matt Hancock receiving a friendly greeting while he's out for a run.
08:35Look out.
08:36Matt Hancock, you shaker!
08:39LAUGHTER
08:41LAUGHTER
08:43That guy, you GB news gets everywhere, doesn't he?
08:45LAUGHTER
08:47Er, yes, this is the challenge to the Labour Party leadership
08:49and the prospect of a new Prime Minister.
08:52Andy Burnham is known as the King of the North,
08:55which, in a leadership race, puts him at an advantage over London-born Wes Streeting,
08:59unless he changes his first name from Wes to Coronation.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:04According to one biography, Andy Burnham is the son of a Liverpool BT engineer
09:08and a GP receptionist, which explains his appeal to the progressive LBTGP.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:15LAUGHTER
09:18Er, Paul and Judy?
09:19Yes.
09:20Yours.
09:20Oh, er, welcome to Leeds.
09:23Obviously, I'm just reading out what it says there.
09:25Er, this is a new sign.
09:27There we are again, welcome to Leeds.
09:28Can't get enough of that picture.
09:30And there we are again, welcome to Leeds.
09:32Yeah, this camera only leads you to Leeds.
09:34Is it?
09:35Er, there's been controversy, although it's hard to see really what people are worried about,
09:39but they're saying that the word Leeds doesn't look right,
09:41that the D is an upside-down P.
09:43People are up in arms about it.
09:45They really are.
09:46They're very annoyed.
09:47Who particularly cares?
09:48Er, four people that has got us chatting about this shit.
09:51Oh, no, it's way more than that.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:55It's way more than that.
09:56It's huge.
09:57Oh, sorry Leeds.
09:57The upgrade to the station has cost £46 million.
10:01What?!
10:02ITV's regional news programme, Calendar, asked viewers to post their comments on the font.
10:06Chris kicked things off.
10:09Yes, the D is upside down, P!
10:11LAUGHTER
10:13Alison agreed.
10:14They've used a P upside down.
10:16And then all hell broke loose.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:18All kicked off.
10:19I think the two E's are too close together.
10:22The two E's are too close together, but I can't see anything wrong with the D.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:26And finally, and let's be honest, there's always one.
10:28Someone took issue with the whole premise of the font discussion.
10:32Small side point, a design of letters is called a typeface.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:36Font is things like bold, italic, size, etc.
10:40Wait till they find out the W is an upside down M.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:44Now looking at it, the D does look a little bit small.
10:47The D's, no, that E's floating up the second E's.
10:50Oh, the E's are too...
10:51Yeah.
10:51I've taken two E's too close together before.
10:53Yeah.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:57What's been the other big train story of this week?
10:59Oh, it was even more waste of money.
11:01Yeah.
11:02HR2, whatever it's called.
11:04Yes!
11:04The high-speed railway thing, which is now sort of like,
11:07it's going to cost billions more, it's not going to be ready
11:09for another 15 years, it's only going to go to Birmingham,
11:12it's going to go at half speed.
11:13The whole thing is a disaster, but they've spent so much money
11:15that they can't sort of back out of it now.
11:16They've got to keep going until it's, you know, it's pointless.
11:20100 billion.
11:21Yes, so that's on Tuesday.
11:22The cost of HS2 would rise to £100 billion,
11:26which is triple the original cost signed off by the Coalition in 2012.
11:29And someone rather brilliant pointed out the total cost
11:31to getting the Artemis crew to go to the moon and back
11:34is cheaper.
11:36Yeah.
11:36Wow.
11:37Than going to Birmingham.
11:38A fifth cheaper.
11:3920 billion less than HS2.
11:42There we go.
11:42Yeah.
11:43So we're given a choice, would you rather go to Birmingham or the moon?
11:45Well, yes.
11:46It depends if there's a replacement moon service.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51Yeah.
11:52According to the iPaper, what did HS2 Limited spend £100 million on?
11:58Bat tunnel.
11:58Yes, that's exactly right.
11:59They spent £100 million on a 100-metre bat tunnel being built
12:02in Buckinghamshire.
12:03Why can't Batman pay for his own tunnel?
12:05LAUGHTER
12:06Yeah, he's got loads of money.
12:08It would work out at £340,000 per bat.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:12That's a nice fact.
12:13And they did a survey of the bats and none of them want to go
12:17to Manchester.
12:19LAUGHTER
12:20In other UK news, what did a BBC Panorama allege this week?
12:24Married at first sight.
12:25Yes, exactly right.
12:26Yes, Channel 4 have removed the UK version of their hit reality show
12:29Married at First Sight from its streaming platform after Panorama
12:33revealed allegations of rape and sexual assault by three participants.
12:36The show involves people agreeing to live as a married couple
12:40with someone they've never met before and living together in a flat,
12:43sometimes unsupervised by the production team.
12:45At first sight, that's a terrible idea.
12:48Yes.
12:48And thus it proved.
12:49It's a deeply unpleasant idea, isn't it?
12:52Arranged Marriage Live would have a different ring to it,
12:55wouldn't it?
12:55It would.
12:56According to the CEO of Channel 4, Priya Dogra,
12:59when Channel 4 first heard about contributor concerns,
13:02Channel 4 acted quickly, appropriately and sensitively
13:04by continuing to air the relevant episodes right up until
13:08Anorama went out on Monday.
13:10Why do channels broadcast these shows?
13:12Because they like rubbish.
13:15It's popular.
13:16Extremely popular.
13:17Here are just some of the shows in the past five years at Channel 4.
13:21Married at First Sight UK, Virgin Island, Naked Attraction, Dating Naked UK,
13:28Love Triangle UK, Kinky Daters, Sex Rated, Open House,
13:34The Great Sex Experiment.
13:36Oh, yeah, I've watched that.
13:37And then, of course, 24 hours in police custody.
13:42The truth of the matter is people would do anything that would be on television.
13:44I mean...
13:45Yeah.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:48If we named it, you mentioned the audience was going,
13:51Oh, oh, that means these nasty buggers have watched them.
13:56LAUGHTER
13:56Some of them have been in it.
13:57Yeah.
13:58And that was the same noise they were making when they was watching it.
14:00Oh, oh.
14:02I missed that one.
14:03Nasty buggers.
14:04Was that...
14:05It got later, was it?
14:08OK, this is a Channel 4 show.
14:10So, let's see if we can guess what this involves.
14:12Naked Alone and Racing to Get Home.
14:15Oh.
14:16Is that one show?
14:17It is one show.
14:18Well, I can tell you, two teams try to win a cash prize
14:21by racing across the countryside naked.
14:25Shall we have a look?
14:26I can give you a little...
14:27Go on, then.
14:28Are we watching this from the front or the back?
14:30We can watch the whole series.
14:33Come on!
14:35Racing across unforgiving terrain.
14:37I'm stuck!
14:41Will they be able to find food?
14:43Oh, no chance at all.
14:46I think that looks sane.
14:48Survive the cold of the British night.
14:50It's pitch black and I'm absolutely free.
14:54Or manage not to get arrested.
14:58Oh, my gosh.
14:59I felt like I could smell so much through the screen.
15:03Andy Burnham's got inspiration for his next run.
15:05Yeah!
15:07It says they have to race to get home.
15:09Yeah.
15:10Yeah.
15:10So, if there's nobody home, they're going to get in.
15:12I mean, they haven't got any house keys.
15:15There's many places you can hide keys.
15:17That's true.
15:20Where have they put the microphones?
15:22Again.
15:22There's many places you can hide.
15:25This is the new welcome sign at Leeds Station.
15:28No, it isn't.
15:31There is another issue with the sign in the Yorkshire City.
15:34The words,
15:34Piss off, you southern bastards, has been spelt welcome to.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:39If you look closely at that sign,
15:41you can see the L, D and S have been screwed on.
15:44But I think they've attached the E by gum.
15:46LAUGHTER
15:47Oh, my God.
15:49Concerned about the chaos surrounding HS2,
15:52Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander told the Commons in June
15:55she was keen to draw a line in the sand,
15:57which should be completed by 2057.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:00And so, to round two,
16:02the animo-o-meter of news.
16:04Fingers on buzzers, teams.
16:05Here is your first one.
16:09Oh, Ian and Phil.
16:11It's a swan.
16:12It...
16:13It's a goose.
16:13Do we get the point?
16:14Is it a goose?
16:15Yeah.
16:16Goose.
16:17What's the difference between a goose and a swan?
16:19Well, you can't get arrested for swanning.
16:20Yeah.
16:22Um...
16:23It is the news that thieves in Kent are on the loose with a goose.
16:26So a goose has been kidnapped?
16:27It has, yes.
16:28Wow.
16:29Does anyone want to have a guess at the goose's name?
16:32George.
16:32Well, he got the right letter.
16:34Gandalf.
16:34Oh.
16:35Much loved by locals.
16:36Until last Tuesday,
16:38he lived happily with his boyfriend Ryan Gosling.
16:41LAUGHTER
16:43They are together.
16:45That's nice.
16:46Yeah, that's nice.
16:46A local resident reported that Gandalf had been bundled
16:49into the boot of a dark-coloured estate car.
16:52The dreadful incident occurred in the village of Bastard.
16:56LAUGHTER
16:56Unless, of course, it's pronounced Bastard.
16:58Yeah.
16:58Which gets even worse news for the goose.
17:01The local villager also had a memorable name.
17:03Anyone know what that is?
17:05The local villager?
17:06I don't know why.
17:06Well, you don't even know the Gandalf story.
17:08No.
17:08So how are you going to know Nigel Sheepwash's name?
17:11Wow!
17:12I have no idea.
17:14Following reports of a man seen bundling Gandalf into his car
17:17and driving off,
17:18landlord Benjamin McConaughey announced
17:19he's offering a reward for information.
17:22He's also offering a locally sourced foie gras terrine starter
17:25on the menu of his cart.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:27To the animal-o-meter fingers...
17:29Animal-o-meter, yes, OK.
17:30..on buzzers.
17:31Yeah.
17:31Here we go.
17:32Here's another one.
17:33OK.
17:37BUZZER
17:37Phil.
17:38It's a swine.
17:39See if you can redeem it.
17:40LAUGHTER
17:41What colour is that cat?
17:43White cat.
17:43We've seen that cat before, haven't we?
17:45It's like a James Bond villain cat.
17:46Yes, it is.
17:47Oh!
17:48Yes.
17:48This is the news.
17:49The auditions for the next James Bond are underway.
17:52Yes.
17:52Wow.
17:53Do you want to know who's in the running?
17:54I took my hat out of the ring.
17:56You've taken it out of the ring?
17:57Yeah, yeah.
17:57I'm not auditioning.
17:58I didn't want to be in hock to the Bond market.
18:01LAUGHTER
18:01LAUGHTER
18:03Oh, that's brilliant.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07Sorry.
18:09Sorry!
18:10There we go.
18:11I can tell you two of the front-runners.
18:12They are Callum Turner.
18:13Oh, really?
18:14Yes.
18:15And Aaron Taylor-Johnson.
18:17Oh, I'll take the second one.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:19Which surprising name threw their hat into the ring
18:22for this role?
18:24George Grandriff.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:28It was Donald Trump,
18:30the official White House ex-account tweeted this picture
18:33over the weekend.
18:34Oh!
18:35The man with the golden face.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:41Grab an octopussy.
18:43LAUGHTER
18:47On a related note, who got into trouble for spying this week?
18:50Oh, it was a representative of Southampton Football Club.
18:53Exactly right.
18:54Who was rather idiotically caught filming Middlesbrough
18:57a train in behind a tree.
18:58He was standing beside a tree holding a phone up like that.
19:01Yeah, there it is.
19:03That's him there, yeah.
19:04That's it.
19:05Yeah.
19:05Oh, that's him there as well.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08Well, it's tricky getting caught spying in Middlesbrough
19:10because you don't have an excuse, right?
19:12You can't say,
19:12I'm a tourist.
19:16Southampton have now been booted out of the Championship
19:18play-off final.
19:19The offence was only discovered when Middlesbrough
19:20noticed someone was paying attention.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24This is the search for the new James Bond.
19:26Bond fans have voiced concerns over how much influence Amazon
19:30will have over the film after a leaked script showed Bond
19:33leaving a nuclear warhead with the villain's neighbour.
19:37The new James Bond needs to be suave, smooth-talking
19:40and at the peak of physical fitness.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:45Time now for the odd one.
19:46Round.
19:47Your four are...
19:56Well, the UK entry didn't do well at Eurovision.
20:00Ukraine, I think, gave us one point right at the last minute
20:03in return for all that support.
20:05Yeah.
20:06£86 billion well-spent, isn't it?
20:09His song was amusingly called,
20:11Eins fie dry and we got ein.
20:15Is it screaming?
20:17Because banshees scream and then something bad happens.
20:20He sang and then something quite bad happened.
20:23Yes.
20:24Well screamed.
20:25The sirens make a noise and people complained.
20:28Which one's the odd one out?
20:29Climpton is the odd one out.
20:30Climpton's the odd one out, yeah.
20:31Because they like noise.
20:32Well, no.
20:33They all make a terrible noise apart from the town of Plimpton
20:36in Devon, which makes a terrible smell.
20:38What's the smell?
20:38What has been causing it?
20:40Mrs Watkins, the number 48.
20:41They've narrowed it down.
20:43They've narrowed it down to the wastewater treatment works.
20:46I wonder what took them so long.
20:47Yeah.
20:48All we've got here is the big shit factory in the bakery.
20:53Maybe it's the bakery.
20:54According to the Plymouth Herald,
20:56local water company South West Water is trying to help
20:58by spraying perfume into the air.
21:00Wow.
21:00Oh, my gosh.
21:01I'm supposed to spraying shit into the river.
21:05He still smells of shit, but there's a nice...
21:08Some Davidoff cool water.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:11In related news, why has head of Welsh Water been criticised recently?
21:15Because the rivers are filthy.
21:17Well, Steve Wilson is Welsh Water's wastewater director,
21:20but he's come under fire for not taking his job seriously enough.
21:23Here he is being interviewed on ITV News.
21:25If I had a look at your social media posts,
21:27and your Twitter handle, or X handle, I should say these days,
21:31is turdherder69.
21:33You're not going to do it. You're not going to do it.
21:39You're not going to do it.
21:51That's true.
21:52He's attempting to do the job.
21:53A shit shepherd.
21:54A shit shepherd.
21:56LAUGHTER
21:57Look, Mum, no computer.
21:58He represented the UK.
21:59Shall we just have a quick listen to his entry?
22:01Here it is.
22:17MUSIC PLAYS
22:19There was no discernible difference in the song
22:22when he stopped playing his keyboard.
22:25Let's just watch the dying moments of Look, Mum, No Computers evening.
22:29Oh, good luck.
22:35After the audience vote, you have received zero points.
22:40Oh!
22:41Oh, well.
22:43Oh, well.
22:44Yes, Waymo driverless taxis.
22:46Do you know what noise they make?
22:47It's sort of when they arrive to pick you up,
22:49because there's no-one there, they bleep and reverse.
22:52I thought they'd go,
22:53Whoa, bitch, get out the way.
22:56Get out the way.
22:57LAUGHTER
22:59Is that what taxis normally do?
23:02They're annoying local residents because they keep getting stuck
23:04down one particular cul-de-sac in East London
23:06and have to reverse out while making this noise.
23:09MUSIC PLAYS
23:16I was waiting for, like, a little hip-hop beat.
23:18Yeah, I think it was a Eurovision entry.
23:19Yeah!
23:21I've only got more points.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:23What other high-tech invention has needed tweaking this week?
23:27Robots, is it?
23:27It was a robot in Shenzhen in China.
23:30Oh, yes, it was dancing.
23:31Yes.
23:31Performing to Billie Jean.
23:32Michael Jackson.
23:33Shall we have a look at that?
23:34Come on in.
23:38¶¶
23:39Oh, my God.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:14Why don't you put the stairs there? It would have been fun. Yeah!
24:18Building the set for the big, wobbly robot expo.
24:22Why don't we add some obstacles in here?
24:24I don't know why we needed a robot to show us that.
24:27You could go to any wedding and that would be the bride's dad at the end.
24:31Being dragged off.
24:33Well, they have all made a terrible noise, apart from the town of Plimpton,
24:36which makes a terrible smell.
24:38And if you were thinking of visiting Plimpton this bank holiday weekend,
24:41I'd give it five minutes.
24:44Look Mum No Computer came last, making it the third time in recent years.
24:48For many English viewers, the UK entry was a lesson in German
24:51as they learnt the words eins, zwei, drei, and also scheiße.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:57One review said the problem was that the performance was overthought.
25:01Although, sadly, it wasn't over-quickly.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:07APPLAUSE
25:08Time now for the missing words round.
25:10And we start with embarrassment on live radio,
25:13as what turns out to be what?
25:14Oh, I heard this. It was your show.
25:16Bruckner turned out to be Brahms.
25:18Ah!
25:19No.
25:21As Wes Streeting turns out to be three kids
25:24stood on each other's shoulders in a trench coat.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28Embarrassment on live radio, as ufologist turns out to be urologist.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:34The mistake happened on Argentinian radio
25:36when the man they'd booked as an expert on UFOs
25:38revealed he was, in fact, a urologist.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:41Oh, well, he was just taking the piss.
25:46There is actually a link between urology and ufology,
25:50as this particular alien is an expert at giving prostate exams.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:57Next, Muntjac Deer makes surprise appearance what?
26:01For West Bromwich Albion.
26:03Waitrose, half price.
26:06As new host of Strictly.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09Oh, God!
26:10You were almost right when you said Waitrose.
26:12Yeah.
26:13On escalator in Marks & Spencer in Norwich.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:16It's not the first time someone's gone into M&S
26:18and thought, well, that's a little dear.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:22APPLAUSE
26:24Next.
26:25Clouds flock to see buffalo what?
26:29Soldier.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:32It's a bit long.
26:34That looks like Donald Trump.
26:35Oh, you're...
26:36The albino buffalo lives on a farm in Bangladesh.
26:39Here it is.
26:40Oh!
26:45Finally, Fox with what?
26:47Sought by police for what?
26:50Fox with independent income,
26:51sought by police for no-strings relationship.
26:56Fox with mouthful of sausages,
26:58sought by police for barbecue theft.
27:00Here is the culprit.
27:03Oh!
27:04It's either stolen sausages or it's bitten King Charles' hand off.
27:08LAUGHTER
27:08And so the final scores are, Paul and Judy on four,
27:11Ian and Phil, seven.
27:13Oh!
27:13APPLAUSE
27:18But before we go there, it's just time for the caption competition.
27:21Ian and Phil, you have this.
27:23Oh, there's the new HS2 train.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:29Paul and Judy, you get this.
27:31A woman behind saying,
27:33Brace yourself, Doris.
27:35LAUGHTER
27:39She could be saying,
27:39Look, this is the last one I'm removing.
27:42LAUGHTER
27:45On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hyslop and Phil,
27:48Wang, Paul Merton and Judy Love.
27:49And I leave you with news that, as the Labour leadership contest intensifies,
27:53the whole nation is agog with excitement.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:57In Beijing, President Xi explains to his guests
28:00that the trapdoor to his shark tank is just a couple of feet to the left.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:08And at a charity event in Cheltenham,
28:10an unexpected gust of wind lifts Joanna Lumley's skirt above the knee.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:18Good night.
28:24APPLAUSE
28:32Two things to watch on iPlayer, swapping rockets for political power.
28:37It's the next chapter of the Elon Musk show,
28:39while Stephen Nolan's on the front line with officers policing Belfast.
28:43Peelers, the PNSI, for real. Available now.
28:46APPLAUSE
28:51APPLAUSE
28:52APPLAUSE
28:53APPLAUSE
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