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  • 1 day ago
Bait S01E01-2
Transcript
00:01You
00:39I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:44Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:48I told you not to come after me.
00:50James, she knows everything.
00:52I know.
00:56You have terrible taste in hostages.
00:59Wentworth was the mole.
01:01Could have just as easily aimed a few centimetres higher.
01:06And it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:10Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:14Tell me, when it's just you, all alone,
01:19how do you live with yourself?
01:21Do you even know who you are?
01:33Blind?
01:34Sorry.
01:35Sorry.
01:38Sorry, Helen.
01:40It's all good.
01:41It's all good.
01:42It's just, we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:44Yeah, that's why I was thinking.
01:45Quick reset back to what's on the end at this time.
01:47How are you blowing this audition?
01:49I know the speech.
01:51I know it.
01:51Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
01:56What is this, a prank show?
01:57You're wearing a hidden camera.
01:59It's funny.
01:59No, I just have a very particular process.
02:02I've got my head around it now.
02:03I'm ready.
02:03Sorry, guys.
02:04We just said we had to go.
02:04Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:05Sorry.
02:06How was your weekend?
02:07It was good, thanks.
02:07How was yours?
02:08Great.
02:08Yeah, what did you do?
02:09Just, thanks.
02:10Thanks, Jim.
02:11This is my second.
02:13Stop it.
02:14Sorry.
02:15You know what?
02:16They didn't want to see you.
02:17I had to convince them, so this is on me.
02:20I've got a confession to make.
02:22I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:24It's the holy Muslim month.
02:28It's called Ramadan.
02:30This involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:33I'm lightheaded from, if I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:36Well, I've just seen you drink alcohol juice, six tigs in a row.
02:40I tried.
02:41It's just a shame you didn't.
02:45Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:47We'll be in touch.
02:57You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work, fighting everybody and being nobody?
03:05I don't live with myself.
03:07I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:10The blood on my hands is mine.
03:13Because I kill a part of myself every day, if I don't know who I am.
03:18Because you don't want to.
03:23You knew it.
03:24You knew it.
03:26What's wrong with you?
03:29Do you know who you are?
03:31I'll tell you who you are.
03:33You're a fucking failure.
03:34You just shat on your last chance of being somebody.
03:39You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:40You are ashamed of yourself.
03:41Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:43You're fucking nobody.
03:44You're nothing.
03:45You're just a fucking dumb fucking bag.
03:58Come in.
04:01I, uh, forgot to grab your mic.
04:07Sure.
04:08I, uh, forgot to grab your mic.
04:46I'm just, you know, uh, there's a photographer who comes out front, so I'm going to take you down the
04:50side.
04:51Oh, go, yeah.
04:53The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole Bond re-mail goes crazy.
04:59Sorry, you know what?
05:00I just realized I left my charger in the, uh, dressing.
05:03Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:03I'll go and grab it.
05:04Another way.
05:05Are you sure?
05:05Thank you, though.
05:06Thanks a lot.
05:06Okay.
05:20You all right?
05:21You all right?
05:21You all right?
05:34You all right?
05:47You all right?
06:02You all right?
06:03Dude.
06:04What?
06:05I know you.
06:06Mate.
06:07I'm a huge fan.
06:08Shit, you're talented.
06:09No, no, I'm not.
06:10Yes, you are.
06:11You're an exceptional actor.
06:12I want you to know that.
06:13Thank you, man.
06:14This is like a little video for my girlfriend, Heather.
06:16She's like obsessed with you, dude.
06:17Yeah.
06:17Yeah.
06:18Babe, check it out.
06:19Walking down the street.
06:20Guess who I've been to?
06:22Dev fucking Patel.
06:23What?
06:24Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
06:27Say something about Slumdog.
06:28She loves Slumdog.
06:33It was an amazing honor to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:36It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
06:38I loved that film.
06:39I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:42He's not Dev Patel.
06:45What?
06:46He's not Dev Patel.
06:48Look how short he is.
06:49Dev is tall, strong, handsome.
06:52Our Gujarati hero.
06:55Hello, Shah Jahan Latif.
06:56Are you the Shah Jahan place?
06:58Who's Shah?
07:00Shah Latif, Shah.
07:02That's me.
07:06Come on, please.
07:07No problem, sir.
07:13I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:19I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so...
07:22Sir, just one thing.
07:22Where are you from?
07:24Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:27And you look like a jahadi, but he's a sphincter.
07:30Sphincter?
07:31Well, that's a boss.
07:32You like sphincter.
07:33He just came to me like that.
07:34Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:35Come on.
07:36I appreciate it.
07:36What's my bullshit, please?
07:37You're a arse on my shoulder.
07:39No, you fucking love it.
07:40Hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:41Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:42You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:44I didn't look.
07:44I'll be busy, okay?
07:45What do you always say?
07:45Bro, you're a dickhead.
07:49What the fuck is this doing here?
07:50I was going to tell you, innit?
07:51Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
07:53There's no brown dolls for saying that.
07:55It's weird.
07:55It's not a doll, bro.
07:56It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
07:59You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:01You need to chew your tits.
08:03First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:04And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:07It's not a dildo.
08:08It looks like a dildo to me.
08:09And I need them for my fleet anyway.
08:10Fleet?
08:11All right.
08:11Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:13It's 26, actually.
08:14Fuck off.
08:15Yes.
08:16Things have been going very well.
08:17Got some serious investors interested.
08:21What?
08:22Say, mashallah.
08:23Oh, mashallah.
08:24Bro, if you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:26Right.
08:26Does your investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro?
08:30Uber in London is already Muslim.
08:31Right?
08:31Every next driver is named Abdi.
08:33Listen to me.
08:34We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:36And I want us to own this thing.
08:37Okay.
08:38And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:41I don't mind.
08:42Don't need any money from you, bro.
08:43I got stuff.
08:44There's no what I heard.
08:45I got stuff cooking.
08:46Where you got cooking?
08:47I can't tell you.
08:47Because it's top secret.
08:48I signed an NDA.
08:49You ain't signed no NDA.
08:50I did.
08:51Non-disclosure agreement.
08:52I signed it.
08:53I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
08:54You ain't got shit, bro.
08:55You missed the timing from mine.
08:56No, we didn't, actually, because we're going to money above us.
08:58What?
08:58Yes.
08:59No.
08:59What do you mean, no?
09:00What?
09:01I mean, no.
09:01Yes, we are, bro.
09:03Okay?
09:03You have not checked in on your mom in time.
09:04She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:06Bro, I'm not in the mood.
09:07Yeah, because you turned it around.
09:08Well, I don't care if you're in the mood or not.
09:09If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:13NDA.
09:29Come.
09:30Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:32Sometimes beating here is enough, you know.
09:35Okay, just one minute.
09:36I'm coming.
09:42Tahera, when will I take care of you?
09:44Okay?
09:45I'm going to get a personal shopper.
09:48Okay, is that my silver rally set today?
09:51No, no.
09:51Silver rally set?
09:52No, no, thank you.
09:52But it will be good, right?
09:53It's good.
09:54It's good.
09:54It's good.
09:54It's good.
09:55It's old too.
09:56Salam alaikum, auntie.
09:58Shatam, baby.
09:59Look at you.
10:00All grown up, huh?
10:01Such a strong boy.
10:03MashaAllah.
10:03Bye, Zulce.
10:05Bye, Zulce.
10:07Who is this?
10:08Look who is this.
10:09Who knows?
10:10Any better, Nishiyai.
10:11Come on.
10:12I'm going to die.
10:13I'll come to my cover.
10:14I thought it's been two weeks.
10:15Two months, bro.
10:16Yes.
10:17A couple weeks.
10:18I can't.
10:19I'm dying for this job, like audition thing.
10:21You're dying, Timberlake, keeping your roses here.
10:23Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:27Sir, you know what's going on here?
10:29My God, my mind has gone so many days.
10:32He bought a car from Salim.
10:33He bought a car from Dubai.
10:36Yeah, I bought a bottle of bottles.
10:37I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
10:40Oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:42Oh, oh, oh.
10:43Oh, oh, oh.
10:52Don't talk about it.
10:54Don't talk about it.
10:55Okay?
10:55Just tell me.
10:59Well, I'm...
11:02Just to do it.
11:03Just pray.
11:04Do it for you, Subhash Amir, right?
11:05Do it for you all the time.
11:07Do it.
11:08Okay?
11:08Just to do it.
11:09Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:12It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:13Where are you from?
11:14I don't see TV.
11:15I don't see.
11:16Yeah, I'll go some stuff cooking.
11:17It takes time to make a film.
11:18Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:22There was one scene in one film.
11:24You've been putting on this newsreader all day.
11:26I don't know.
11:28Baba, why are you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:31They're expensive.
11:32I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:37Oi, cousin.
11:38Oh, shit.
11:39What are you saying?
11:40No, man.
11:40Oh, bless.
11:41What's this?
11:42What's what?
11:43You forgetting to take out your tags.
11:44Oh.
11:45Bro, is that you?
11:47Yeah?
11:48Baba, see how your boy spent?
11:49Give me that.
11:51Why are you at home?
11:52Quit my job, man.
11:53Manager was a dickhead.
11:54Hey, as any bull did, really way bother charging me.
11:56He was a weirdo.
11:57If you need work experience, I can sort you from Felicia, don't you?
11:59No, no, no.
12:00Listen, if you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:02Is he playing tonight?
12:04Yeah, why?
12:06I told you come work for me.
12:07Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:0950% of my business.
12:10Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:13No, not really.
12:15Oh, my God.
12:18Shabai, you're going to be the next James Bond.
12:21What?
12:23Wait, wait, wait, it might be Cup.
12:25It might be Cup.
12:25Can I have a look at that?
12:25Is it Bond or not Bond?
12:26Oh, shit.
12:27No, no, no, no, it's legit.
12:28It's legit.
12:28What the fuck?
12:29Oh, my God.
12:30Super's Bond, Shadjoo.
12:31This is crazy.
12:31This is crazy, bro.
12:33Wait, wait, wait.
12:34Chill, man.
12:34Check the website.
12:35It's BBC we contracted.
12:36Greg Daniel, what are you talking about?
12:37Bro, why didn't you tell me?
12:38He's making you fart.
12:39It's just an audition.
12:43Listen, it's an audition.
12:44It's a photo from today's audition.
12:45That's all.
12:45It's all makes sense, though, man.
12:47James Bond is white.
12:51I'm the haram, Zadda.
12:52Do you know how much sex James Bond is?
12:54What the sex?
12:58I'm the haram.
12:59I'm the haram, Zadda.
13:29I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:32I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
13:35Yo, yo, look at me.
13:37I'm proud of you.
13:39Yeah?
13:40Fucking James Bond, my guy.
13:42Let's see what happens.
13:43Of course, shut up.
13:43But do they know about the height?
13:45You mean?
13:47They're going to give you special shoes.
13:48Like, James Bond's a big enemy.
13:53I'm just saying it for you.
13:55For you.
13:59Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:00I'm just wondering if the, you know, audition news league thing has helped me or, you know,
14:04fuck me.
14:07I'm just kidding.
14:10I'm just kidding.
14:32Bye.
14:37Yeah, yeah, where you been?
14:40Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed.
14:41What the fuck you think?
14:43Listen, did you call the pap?
14:45I'm not that clever.
14:47What are they saying?
14:48Are they pissed?
14:48Well, they are very surprised
14:51about how much you're trending.
14:54And because of the reaction,
14:55they might give you a second chance to audition.
14:58Fuck!
14:58Yes!
14:59Oh!
15:00You plus a female director is doing very well
15:02for their 18 to 34s
15:03and you know that demographic gets them all wet.
15:05Oh, my God.
15:05So, listen, sit tight and let this play out.
15:09Oh, my God.
15:12That is amazing.
15:12That's really, really cool.
15:14God bless the internet, eh?
15:16Yeah.
15:17So, just one thing.
15:18We can't just see how this plays out.
15:20We've got to do everything we can
15:21to get me back in there.
15:22Shaw, I just told you it's good.
15:24You're trending.
15:25Look, I'm just thinking,
15:27unless you delete all that old music,
15:29just the really political bits.
15:31What do you think?
15:31As you're ages,
15:33let me deal with that stuff.
15:35You just need to act.
15:36Listen, there's videos of me online
15:38fucking pissing on a British flag.
15:40It's already out there.
15:41All you can do is own it.
15:43That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
15:45Yes, fresh blood.
15:46So, new fans for the great old institution.
15:48Listen, don't buy the thing
15:49that got you here, you know.
15:50Huh.
15:50Okay, okay.
15:51So, what are you saying?
15:52Maybe I should lean into it?
15:55Or...
15:55Because Taze and them lot
15:56are doing a show tonight.
15:57I could maybe do a little thing there.
15:59There's nothing to lean into.
16:00You just are.
16:01Listen.
16:02Just don't do anything
16:02and stay home.
16:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:05Done.
16:05I don't know.
16:42Oh shit.
16:44Hey.
16:45What are you doing here?
16:47Me? What are you doing here?
16:49We are everywhere today.
16:53Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:10What's up, bro?
17:11What's good?
17:11Look who's back on the street.
17:13What's up, bro?
17:14Brickshaw.
17:15What's up, bro?
17:16This shit blew up, huh?
17:18Yeah, it puttin' it working.
17:19You killed it, man.
17:20What are you saying, bro?
17:21Amit.
17:21Yes, dude.
17:21What are you doing here, bro?
17:22Are you meant to be protecting Coffin City right now?
17:24What?
17:25No, it's not Gartham.
17:26Bro, don't you know?
17:27It's the new Batman.
17:28It's not fair, man.
17:29It's James Bond.
17:30Hey, bruv, easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
17:32But this is just an audition.
17:33You know what?
17:34We need to take a big shot.
17:37Same, man.
17:39All right, it's good to see you.
17:39I'm just thinking...
17:41What?
17:41Forget it.
17:42Forget it.
17:42It's cool, man.
17:43No, no, say it.
17:43No, no, I'm just...
17:44Hold on.
17:45I just had a mad thought.
17:46Wouldn't it be sick if I warmed up for you, bro, tonight?
17:51Because I think the crowd would love it.
17:52It'd be like a reunion.
17:53It'd be like old times, bro.
17:54Like, how dare you, bro?
17:56You know?
17:56Nothing.
17:57You just come back.
17:58You act like you fucking own this place.
18:00Walking through here, like, look at me, look at me.
18:02Bro, I didn't mean it like that.
18:04I didn't mean it.
18:08I didn't mean it like that.
18:09You're a dickhead.
18:10You're a dickhead.
18:11I can't knock the hustle, man.
18:12Yo, maybe...
18:14Yeah.
18:14I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd, like, you know, like the old days.
18:18Well, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:19Watch out, man.
18:20There's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now.
18:23Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
18:25It's all bullshit.
18:28London, are you ready for a taste?
18:29Yeah!
18:59London, London, London.
19:02London, the building.
19:03MC!
19:04Let's go!
19:30I've been a shiny day.
19:32I've been a shiny day for you.
19:33I can go on the right path.
19:35We've gone.
19:38We forgive all of you, Lord.
19:43Yes, the Messiah is far away from me.
19:45Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah.
20:08Arse, tsunami, fuck.
20:12Fuck.
20:13Yeah.
20:14007.
20:34Fuck.
20:42Yeah.
20:49Yeah.
21:01Yeah.
21:05And big shoes to fill.
21:07Do you think you're up to the job?
21:10Yes.
21:12Yes, I do.
21:13Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:23Yeah.
21:24I'm Roger Murray.
21:24How are you?
21:25Thank God.
21:26Yeah, good.
21:26Good.
21:27At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:30Yeah, that's right.
21:31Yeah.
21:31I'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well.
21:34Bye.
21:35Yeah.
21:35Do you do personal?
21:37Because I might have an event tonight.
21:38Yeah, let me do the full service.
21:39Even got a food taster if you need one.
21:41Tell you what.
21:42Let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
21:45So, house is two points of entry.
21:46Hostile object into the front bay window.
21:49Those and the doors may be reinforcing.
21:50And I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
21:54Sixty friendlies expected tomorrow.
21:56Wow.
21:56You really know your stuff?
21:58Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:01Yes.
22:02Yes.
22:02Yes, you did.
22:03They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:04Come on.
22:05Okay.
22:06Your guests are for Idelfettir, I presume.
22:09Yeah?
22:09Yeah.
22:11I just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:12Yeah, of course.
22:13Sure.
22:13It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:17I know it's harder to defend a position at higher altitude, isn't it?
22:19Yeah.
22:20Okay.
22:20Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:22Yeah.
22:22Do you agree?
22:22You can't really act this role.
22:25Part of you has to be it.
22:27Absolutely.
22:28Absolutely.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Yeah.
22:32Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:36Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
22:40Yep.
22:41You just got in here.
22:41Yo, Mandarin Oriental.
22:42Sorted.
22:43Thank you for sorting it out, Felicia.
22:44I'll speak to you later about the call-up.
22:45Alright?
22:45Why?
22:46What are you showing me right now?
22:47It's a hotel.
22:48Okay?
22:48They do free stays for celebs.
22:49Like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
22:53And?
22:54Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
22:55It's a five-star safe house.
22:57All of us, one week is free.
22:59Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:00Yeah?
23:01Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:03I'm dealing with it.
23:04I'm not gonna get anything happen to you.
23:06You don't need to be afraid.
23:06I'm not afraid.
23:08You're talking about, man.
23:18What the fuck's all this?
23:19What does it look like?
23:20Security costs.
23:21I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:23Chew your pom pom out.
23:24Learn from that, man.
23:25It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:26Is it?
23:27What are you going to ask me?
23:27You got this from?
23:28All this?
23:30Allah provides, bro.
23:32Does he?
23:32Yes.
23:32Does he provide discount rate Mujahideen as well?
23:34I know these guys, bro, they're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:37Which ISIS?
23:37ISIS-K.
23:38ISIS-L.
23:39OG ISIS.
23:40They've got different standards.
23:42I've heard.
23:45They don't need PhDs, do they?
23:47They're hard as fucking they're committed.
23:48Takbir.
23:50I'm not trying to start a madrasa, yeah?
23:52I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
23:54If you could just listen to me for once.
23:56If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
23:59You like that one of the tiny lundi, yeah?
24:01Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:02I'm going to chat to our bar.
24:03We have to discuss this.
24:05Doing my dutton every day.
24:07Baba?
24:09What are you doing?
24:10Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:12That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:13That's why I've hired a professional.
24:15Aye, professional.
24:16I'm not doubting that.
24:17If you let me do it, then it'll be better for everyone.
24:19Sean Conley to the rescue, is it?
24:22How do you understand?
24:23Shah, brother.
24:25Shah, you better be a janu and help me take this to the car.
24:27Let's go.
24:29Sixty people's a lot for Eid.
24:30Your mommy needs my help.
24:35What are you putting?
24:36What are you doing?
24:38Chill, mommy.
24:39Bastard, you chill.
24:40Twenty fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
24:42Already bringing her gutty swelling.
24:44Kebabs.
24:45I like kebabs.
24:46What are you doing?
24:48Naila!
24:48What are you doing?
24:50Two days?
24:51Eid's a joint ever.
24:52I'm just doing my part.
24:53You've done already so much.
24:55Shahju, take the pots inside.
24:56Why are you giving Naila aunty more work?
24:58It's nothing, Daira.
24:59I was telling you, Shahju.
25:00I could be doing so much more.
25:02Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:05Why not move into my house?
25:07Who's not safe?
25:09Everybody, stop.
25:10Can you stop here, Baba?
25:11Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:12Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:13Right.
25:13Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:15It's your plan, yeah?
25:16What?
25:17Outsourcing our protection.
25:18There is free Mace and nonce.
25:19I'm not a nonce.
25:20Should've gone to the hotel.
25:21Gajju's here to help secure the house.
25:23Gajju's here to help secure the house.
25:24Nothing is ready.
25:25House won't be ready.
25:25Food won't be ready.
25:26Naila, please, Shahju.
25:28Sorry, guys.
25:28The prophet, please be upon him.
25:31Exactly, exactly.
25:32He said it best when he said,
25:34Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
25:38Micah, he knows his stuff.
25:40You gotta hand it to him.
25:40I just want to say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
25:44so perhaps you should think about moving your Eid celebrations to a different location.
25:47Hey, hey, Bencho.
25:48Stop.
25:48One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
25:50Who is this?
25:50I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
25:52Especially after six doors of Afghanistan.
25:57He's working with me very well.
26:00They've got a lot of trouble.
26:01Naila Ji.
26:03We'll come back with you.
26:04Please.
26:05If something happened, you're responsible.
26:08Okay, Naila Ji.
26:12Mommy.
26:12No, I didn't...
26:13Mommy.
26:17Lovely to meet the family.
26:18Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:19They really get after it.
26:21And your brother, he seems nice.
26:24Well, he's not my brother.
26:25He's my cousin.
26:26But he was raised with us.
26:27Okay.
26:27It's complicated.
26:28All right.
26:28Well, look.
26:29This is for you.
26:31There's your quote.
26:32Although, I would be willing to postpone payment, you know, in consideration of the future work.
26:39Because if my internet searches are correct, then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
26:42Oh, well, let's see what happens.
26:45It's really reasonable.
26:46Could you just leave it with me?
26:47I'm getting a few different quotes soon.
26:48That's fine.
26:49Okay.
26:49Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
26:52I can send one of my best guys.
26:53What are you doing?
26:54You asked me to do security, you know?
26:56But tonight, I did.
26:57Him?
26:58Yeah, so what we needed.
26:59Thank you for coming by.
27:00Yeah, no.
27:01Absolute pleasure.
27:02Yeah.
27:03Well, oh, by the way.
27:04I stole the dash cams.
27:05The battery life is.
27:06So, bring the charger.
27:08All right.
27:08You can have that for free.
27:10Cheers, Nigel.
27:11Why are you wasting your money on these render faces, bro?
27:14I've had your back since then.
27:24I heard you go into this garland tonight.
27:27On your own, or?
27:31I've got a plus one.
27:33Is it?
27:35You got any shoes on trainers?
27:38Can I arrange it?
27:40Go on, get rid of it, you fucker.
28:02Wait, that is a proper go fuck out of there.
28:05It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:06All right, bro.
28:07You might be taking care of the muscle,
28:08but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:11Look, we're in the middle of a culture board.
28:12That's the real battleground.
28:13Big man, how you gonna fucking battle them
28:15with your horny make-up face?
28:16What?
28:17You know the face that you do
28:18when you're on the red carpet.
28:19It looks like you're trying to shag that camera,
28:21but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you back.
28:22No, I'm not.
28:22Don't put that in my head right now.
28:23You're gonna put me off.
28:25Okay.
28:25For confirmation, cuz.
28:26What is that?
28:27Yeah?
28:27What, man? I look good there.
28:28You look like you're making a pervy version
28:30of fucking planet Earth.
28:31All right, let me just see something.
28:33Raj Taka?
28:35Motherfucker!
28:35It's...
28:35All right, all right.
28:36Don't jizz on my level of seats.
28:37You can't afford to clean your feet.
28:38Okay, listen.
28:39Let's just go there and smash it, all right?
28:40Brother, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
28:42We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
28:44Look at this!
28:45Halal Harry Bowls!
28:46Custom specifically branded Zamzam water.
28:48Your little mini dildo on the dashboard.
28:50Cuz, look at me.
28:51We are arriving like this is fast and furious,
28:53but without the four skins.
28:54You understand?
28:55Come on, let's get it, cuz, yeah?
28:56Yeah, you ready?
28:57Yes, bro.
28:59Yeah!
29:00Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
29:01I can't guarantee it.
29:14There's a lot of excitement, but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:21Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.
29:23How so?
29:25Well, it's why I want the role.
29:27It's why I'm here speaking to you.
29:29Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum Gala?
29:33Exactly.
29:33To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
29:36To show them that this, too, is what British looks like.
29:44Hey, yo, listen.
29:45I support the team.
29:46I support the team.
29:46But when you finish tonight, please, get home with Mova.
29:49Okay?
29:49That's for you.
29:51Sorry there's no service in your area.
29:52I'm Turkish.
29:53You're Turkish?
29:54Then there's service in your area.
29:55Excuse me, sister.
29:56No!
29:58Shut up!
29:59MC Rickshaw, mate!
30:02Can I get a pic?
30:03You got a pic?
30:04I'll kill you next week.
30:05Hey, yo, cuz!
30:06Cuz!
30:06Come and get a pic with your one and only fan.
30:08Come on.
30:09Oi!
30:10Bro, you're ignoring me.
30:11Bro, we gotta go, man.
30:12Why are you going in there?
30:14Man, slow down!
30:16You should be out here with us.
30:18Hey, yo, yo, yo.
30:18I just wanted a photo with you.
30:19What's the problem?
30:20Bro, if I get a photo take with them lot, it's not the right image I'm going for right now.
30:24Alright?
30:24The real change happens in the air.
30:25We gotta get in the air.
30:28Listen, I know you think you're His Majesty's Secret Service or something, eh?
30:31But don't go full coconut pussy all around the time.
30:33Oh, yeah?
30:34Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
30:36You want that respect, my guy?
30:37Keep it real, yeah?
30:38Okay, why don't you respect this?
30:39Watch and learn.
30:43You doing it again?
30:44I'm not doing the face.
30:45You're doing the face again.
30:46Alright, let me show you.
30:49Nah.
30:49You know what that is?
30:50You look like a pedophile gerbil, bro.
30:52There's cameras.
30:53Why would you say pedophile?
30:54Because they can't watch out.
30:55It's fault.
30:55Mr. Lateef?
30:55Hi.
30:56So happy you've been here.
30:57Really, I'm so glad to be here.
30:59This is my associate.
31:00Um, can I ask, um, who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:05Oh.
31:06We don't have you done as doing as well.
31:07I think it's because I'm a last, a last minute addition.
31:10So.
31:11Well.
31:12Live your new house, I suppose.
31:13Yeah.
31:14She's our new director.
31:15Okay.
31:15Oh.
31:16I'm guessing I have a plus one.
31:18Ah.
31:19Mr. Zulfokar, honey.
31:20CEO of Move Enterprises.
31:22I just think it should be like an official record that I'm here tonight, so.
31:25Uh-huh.
31:27Cuz, where the fuck have you bought us, man?
31:29This looks like the Jarl's bullseye.
31:31You're from humble beginnings like me.
31:33So, how's your family dealing with all this?
31:37The same way we deal with everything.
31:38It's a team.
31:39Together.
31:40I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.
31:44Bro, this is mine.
31:45Yeah, I told you, bro.
31:46I've got a stuffed cookie.
31:47As-salamu alaykum.
31:48As-salamu alaykum.
31:48Sorry.
31:52Alright.
31:54We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
31:56Yeah?
31:56No point in me being here if I can't get on stage.
31:58Yeah, she's.
31:59Museum director, yeah?
32:00My God.
32:01What the fuck are you, bro?
32:03Some evil, bro.
32:04Look at this.
32:04Come on.
32:04Listen, I'm gonna go work on it.
32:06Shall we take team her?
32:07What?
32:08Not like that.
32:09I mean, like, convince her together.
32:11Like, good paki, bad paki.
32:13What would that be like?
32:14Like, good cop, bad cop.
32:16But, well, paki's.
32:18I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:20You sure, yeah?
32:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:21In a bit.
32:21I'll be here.
32:24Sing, let me tell you about this.
32:29He didn't get it.
32:34Vivian?
32:35Charlotte Eve.
32:36Oh, yes.
32:37Of course, Mr. Lateef.
32:38I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
32:39Oh, absolutely.
32:40Although anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently.
32:43What can I do for you, Mr. Lateef?
32:45I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.
32:47There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time.
32:50Brother, we are on time for prayers five times a day.
32:52If you call me, brr, brr, Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?
32:56I'll get you there.
32:56This museum means a great deal to me, and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:01Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture.
33:06In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:09Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those
33:13on the inside and those out there?
33:14Who's your name?
33:15Ali Raza.
33:16Ali Raza.
33:17I'm feeling the Iran.
33:18Yes.
33:18Yeah, a bit of Farsi, my guy.
33:20Come on.
33:20We could be in that region.
33:21I, for one, would be honored to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain truly
33:28is, both in its artifacts and its people.
33:30Well, you know I'm an eighth Indian.
33:31I did not.
33:32Wow.
33:33What about yourself? Where are you from?
33:34London.
33:35You're from London?
33:36You sound, wait, originally from London?
33:39But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country.
33:42Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam. They belong to us all.
33:47So I can go up and say a few words? I'll be very brief.
33:50No, Miss Latif. That's simply not how we do things around here. This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
33:56Besides, we already have our dear friend Raj Thakar giving a speech. Enjoy your evening.
34:07And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat. You didn't think this was going to be all softballs,
34:14did you? Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:17I wouldn't call it that.
34:18Come on, come on. You can be honest. I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen. Oh,
34:24sorry. Sir, Ian Magneto McKellen.
34:27I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.
34:31Oh, please. A day ago you were the only brown bloke up for the job. And now there are two.
34:37And word on the web is he'd make a better bond.
34:40Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me. It's just not in my nature.
34:43You should, old chap. He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base. And I dare say he's thought of
34:49as a better actor.
34:51That's subjective.
34:52Cut the camel shit, Latif. You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak.
34:58How do you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond? You don't stand a chance in a
35:05whore's pajamas, do you, you pussyhole?
35:08Are you still going to dissing, you pussycat?
35:13No use being angry with me. You only have yourself to blame.
35:18I'm trying.
35:19Try harder. Do you understand?
35:25Here he is. Hey. Hey, sure I love this. Man, I haven't seen you in a minute, bro.
35:29How's it going? Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
35:32Mango Tree Premiere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for coming.
35:35Man, you were so good in that. Thank you.
35:37Did you guys see that? Under the mango tree.
35:39I know.
35:39So it's about this magical mango tree. This white woman eats a mango.
35:42She travels back in time to colonial India.
35:44Falls in love with this Indian guy and they have this relationship over space and time.
35:48It's about love's timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
35:52I don't know why I didn't connect more.
35:54Actually, can I? Where are you from?
35:56Yeah, yeah, just for, yeah. Thanks a lot.
35:58You look incredible, by the way.
36:00And very, very smart getting photographed in the tugs and holding that drink.
36:02I think it's just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions.
36:09Just one of the things called people going mental, hasn't it?
36:12Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:14It's just the hate, though. The hate. It's a lot, right?
36:17I know you're probably getting a lot of that, too.
36:20Not really. Nothing to cry about. Just got to stay grateful.
36:25People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table.
36:29We live in the dream. Yeah. Yeah, we are.
36:31The hate's a small price to pay. It is.
36:33It's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mum's house.
36:37Are you serious? Fuckin' hell.
36:39That's actually why I'm here.
36:41I want to show them that no amount of hate is going to make me hide.
36:45And actually, if this museum can house treasures from all around the world,
36:49then this country has to take in people from all around the world. Am I right?
36:52Yeah, preach. I just want to make a statement showing that this too is what British looks like.
36:58I love the passion, man.
37:00I'm so glad you said that because I heard that you were speaking later
37:02and I was thinking maybe we could tag-team it.
37:04Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:06Yeah.
37:06You've got something important to say. I want to be a part of that.
37:09Yeah.
37:09I tell you what, why don't I go up first and then I'll bring you up.
37:12I would love that. Thank you, my brother. I love that, man.
37:15Of course.
37:15I really appreciate it.
37:16Yeah, there you are.
37:17Hey.
37:18I know you.
37:18Oh, this is my security guy.
37:19The Mooba guy.
37:20Yeah, I overheard you chatting about it earlier.
37:22I love the concept.
37:23Thank you, brother.
37:24Are you musking?
37:26Aren't we all?
37:27A little.
37:28Yeah.
37:28Have you got a card? I'll spread the word.
37:30Nice.
37:32Yeah.
37:33Okay.
37:33I've got to go. That's my mum.
37:35You've got your mum?
37:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:36I wouldn't be here without her, so I shouldn't be here without her, you know?
37:40Zulfiko.
37:41That's me.
37:41That's me. Good to see you, man.
37:42Yeah, you too.
37:45Man, he's either the sweetest twat I've ever met or the thickest twat.
37:50You're a thick twat.
37:52What?
37:53Security guy.
37:55That's what I'm doing.
37:56You literally told me to bring you here as security.
37:58Why are you getting cranky?
37:59Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:01No, I haven't. Of course, I'm hungry, man.
38:03Then eat a canapƩ.
38:03Champagne.
38:04Just have a little canapƩ, bro.
38:07Have a little something to eat.
38:08Nothing here.
38:09It's halal.
38:10None of the little things, the big things, none of it.
38:11Have some halumi.
38:12Halumi.
38:13Halumi's not Israeli.
38:14That's what they want you to think.
38:15It's an Arabic cheese.
38:16Prove it to me.
38:17Google it.
38:17You know I don't use Google.
38:23Too kind.
38:26Good evening.
38:28In 2001, we watched in horror as Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
38:36We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble.
38:42But tonight, we right this wrong.
38:45After a nine-year, 15 million-pound restoration project, it is my honor to present to you tonight
38:52the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:08And now an extra special treat.
39:10It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
39:15The most gentle mini-vampire hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.
39:19Raj Stakar.
39:27It's an honor to be here, I mean.
39:30Wow.
39:32This museum is home to artifacts from around the globe.
39:36And so it should follow that England, too, is home to people from those same places.
39:42Now tonight is a celebration, but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences
39:45as an Englishman and as a person of color.
39:49Another recently racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:01It was horrific.
40:03There was blood everywhere.
40:04My mother was left traumatized.
40:06Mummy, I'm sorry.
40:09But no amount of hate will make me hide.
40:13Those driven by prejudice, they need to see us in these spaces.
40:21And because this, too, is what British looks like.
40:30Excuse me, Mr. Tiff.
40:32You have a situation?
40:33A man claiming to be a brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests.
40:38What?
40:41Oh, and, uh, Shah Latif wanted to say something, too.
40:45I'm about to go on, man.
40:46Shah?
40:47Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately.
40:50I don't know, man.
40:57I don't know.
40:59I don't know.
41:01I don't know.
41:05I don't know.
41:05I don't know.
41:06I don't know.
41:07I don't know.
41:08So, let's talk about your big moment.
41:10The speech that never was.
41:12A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
41:15He's clearly made for the role.
41:17Not to mention, he can get the bleeding lines out.
41:22Line?
41:23I can do better.
41:24I can.
41:25Can you now?
41:27Let's see.
41:29I also had a pig's head sent to mine for themselves.
41:34I am.
41:36Nice one, dickhead.
41:38You're more frozen than me.
41:40But it's not your acting.
41:42That's the problem, is it?
41:43It's who you are.
41:45You don't have the balls to be bombed.
41:48Shut up!
41:50Hey, yo, cousin.
41:50Pardon my me, you weren't an only fan.
41:52You turned your back on your own fans.
41:55Man, slow down!
41:56You turned your back on your own family.
41:59Get the fuck with me, bro.
42:02Face it.
42:03People like you are never the heroes of the story.
42:06You'll always just be a scared little Paki.
42:15Send him back where he came from!
42:20You've never ever got nothing.
42:21Oh, my God, why are you悓恧 here?
42:39I anger him from the sky.
42:39It's not all friends every night, it's not all like I would laugh.
42:41You're never known for
42:46yeah
42:51okay
42:52yeah you
42:53what were you doing
42:55nothing what were you doing
42:56nothing bro it's 2am
42:58were you talking to someone or what
43:02sorry mate I was just running late
43:04in a suit
43:04costume innit
43:07alright well the moon's been sighted so
43:08eat mabarak
43:11yeah
43:11night night you weirdo
43:17eat mabarak
43:19bitch
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