- 6 minutes ago
The Grand ish Tour Season 1 Episode 3
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:29Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:00:39hello and welcome to the third and i think final uh best of compilation uh grand tour shows uh and
00:00:48i'd like to kick off this time if i may by talking about racetracks specifically which is the best
00:00:55we ever went to virginia virginia international race that was a good one but that's got that hill
00:01:01where you don't where you go up the hill you don't know for sure that the track is still there
00:01:04that's
00:01:05true so you're coming back down and it's also got that oak tree in the middle of it i'm going
00:01:08to have
00:01:08to say the best i ever went to imola difficult i've been to imola yes pretty sure i've been to
00:01:17most of
00:01:17them but i okay i can't remember right let me just see if i can jog your memory for me
00:01:22virginia
00:01:23international raceway you crashed a porsche okay imola you crashed a mclaren silverstone you crashed a
00:01:34bmw i think it was migello you crashed a jaguar f-type the one in poland you crashed a
00:01:45formula easter car i am genuinely trying to think of a racetrack we filmed that
00:01:50that no you didn't crash in portugal in the porsche 911 no holy trinity you didn't crash but i
00:01:56know i can think of another racetrack that we all definitely like and that i'm pretty sure he
00:02:00hasn't crashed at lidden hill wait i do remember lidden hill that's yes that's with a little off-road
00:02:07rallycross that i do remember and it's brilliant i love it the absolute yes there we go we all like
00:02:23we all know that when it comes to hot hatches the french are the kings but which one is the
00:02:30best
00:02:30well that's what we're here to find out using the crucible of motorsport
00:02:55right just to be absolutely clear all the cars here are excellent because they're all french hot
00:03:01hatchbacks but mine is the best it's got no abs it's got no traction control and i've spun
00:03:167 000 rpm 167 horsepowers unleashed
00:03:25richard hammond will now be moaning about a lack of horsepower now i am down on power i only have
00:03:33104 brake horsepower oh port has completely killed me that was a very french move from the scriptwriter there
00:03:54oh it's a french woman i also point out that margaret's never really done this before so she is a
00:04:01natural french lunatic although she did make a slight error there and i'll hammer no madame
00:04:16as hammond and may battled with the office staff abby and i were up front fighting for the lead
00:04:26determined face
00:04:29the speed
00:04:32you may be a racing driver but i've got 40 more horsepower than you
00:04:54you may be a racing driver but i think my dash appears to be coming off but i'd say that
00:04:58wasn't
00:04:58necessary french cars tend to shed the stuff you can lose bumpers electric windows all that sort of
00:05:08stuff what you're left with is actually an incredibly tough drivetrain engine
00:05:16whoa this is in the potter
00:05:26right this is my job
00:05:30uh
00:05:35yeah she gave me the finger she's definitely a french woman that's the real deal there
00:05:44oh
00:05:48god this thing's so good
00:05:53oh
00:06:14as we entered the closing laps
00:06:18I finally overtook James' much more powerful Renault.
00:06:23Stealing a line from James, then.
00:06:26Come on, little pug.
00:06:30But then...
00:06:32Oh! I've died.
00:06:35What's happened here?
00:06:39Oh, dear.
00:06:41It's gone on strike.
00:06:43Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:06:48As the race entered the final two laps,
00:06:51James was still being humiliated
00:06:53by the brilliantly entertaining French novice.
00:06:58And I was still fighting Abby for the win.
00:07:16Damn it!
00:07:22Ha, ha, ha!
00:07:25Oh, oh!
00:07:27Whoa!
00:07:28Oh!
00:07:35Yes!
00:07:36The mighty Peugeot is in the lead!
00:07:40Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
00:07:46No!
00:07:56Arrgh!
00:08:04Richard Hammond, begin in three, two, one, go!
00:08:10Here we go.
00:08:14Now, come on, Hammond, concentrate.
00:08:19Arrgh!
00:08:21Arrgh!
00:08:21That was beautiful lift-off oversteer.
00:08:28Arrgh!
00:08:28Little bit of a break, and then...
00:08:31Arrgh!
00:08:33Arrgh!
00:08:34That's too fast there.
00:08:36Arrgh!
00:08:36I just had a wee.
00:08:38Right, let's predict what he's saying in there.
00:08:43He'll say the traction control won't be turned off properly.
00:08:47The problem is you can't turn the traction control off completely.
00:08:51Now, this one...
00:08:53Oh, shit!
00:08:57This is the really fast bit.
00:09:01Come on, baby, come on, that's it, give me power.
00:09:07I'm going to be miles faster than him.
00:09:09Well, you haven't even done any practice.
00:09:10I know, boss.
00:09:11It's honestly not that simple.
00:09:12Yes, it is.
00:09:17Come on.
00:09:20Giving it all she can, that's it, there you go.
00:09:23Little burst and across the line.
00:09:28Five minutes, 56 dead.
00:09:30Is that good?
00:09:32I don't know.
00:09:33Five 56.
00:09:34Dead.
00:09:35Yes!
00:09:35Oh, no!
00:09:37Did you see me at that last bit?
00:09:39The traction control just wouldn't let me put the power down there at all.
00:09:41It stopped!
00:09:42Did you see me stop there?
00:09:46Why have you got a stopwatch?
00:09:48It's timing.
00:09:48No, no, no, no, no.
00:09:49Look.
00:09:50What date is it?
00:09:51April the 26th.
00:09:52Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.
00:09:53April the 26th.
00:09:54Better idea.
00:09:55Why don't we just chalk marks on the roof for every day?
00:09:58Every time the sun comes up.
00:10:00Okay, another mark.
00:10:01James May.
00:10:02You may begin in three, two, one, now.
00:10:08And May is off for Great Britain and Germany in the Bentley.
00:10:12He doesn't like heights.
00:10:14No, he doesn't like heights.
00:10:15He doesn't like speed.
00:10:16Or slippery stuff.
00:10:17So, everything he hates.
00:10:22Despite the hostile environment, I was determined to dig deep for the honour of the Bentley badge.
00:10:31Slidey, slidey, slidey.
00:10:35Yes, tarmac.
00:10:39Did you hear that?
00:10:42That was tire squeal.
00:10:44Damn.
00:10:44From James May.
00:10:47Lock it down, Nicole.
00:10:49Oh, my God.
00:10:52Blimey.
00:10:54Look at this.
00:11:05Oh, he got air.
00:11:06He got air.
00:11:07I think he's been committed.
00:11:10Jeremy, what if he beats me?
00:11:13What if he beats you?
00:11:14Yeah.
00:11:14You'll die of shame and I'll die laughing.
00:11:17Yeah, okay.
00:11:18Try as he might, though, the old lady was losing time in the corners.
00:11:25Oh, that's not good.
00:11:28Oh, no, I overdid it.
00:11:36Six minutes, 16.
00:11:37So, he was 16, 18 seconds slower than you and his car is 212,000 pounds.
00:11:44Say some more of that stuff.
00:11:45Write it down.
00:11:47Finally, it was the turn of the best car here.
00:11:51Three, two, one, begin!
00:11:57He hasn't done a single practice lap.
00:12:01I mean, not one.
00:12:04Attraction control off.
00:12:05That's better.
00:12:07And watch this!
00:12:11Flick it in.
00:12:12Nicely done.
00:12:13Flick it back the other way.
00:12:16While he's driving, what do we think he's been?
00:12:18Modest?
00:12:19Self-effacing?
00:12:20Quiet?
00:12:21I was going to say, he probably isn't saying anything.
00:12:22He's probably concentrating.
00:12:24Yes!
00:12:27Oh, God, I'm good at everything.
00:12:29However, in order to win this contest, I had no intention of relying only on my supreme skills.
00:12:38You see, the thing is, the Jaguar and the Bentley were designed as road cars and then given some off
00:12:45-road ability.
00:12:47Whereas the Range Rover was designed as an off-road car and then given some ability to work on the
00:12:53road.
00:12:53It's only a subtle difference, but it means I don't have to follow the beaten track.
00:13:00I can take shortcuts.
00:13:08Such a clever car, it really is.
00:13:13This car senses what sort of terrain it's driving over and then engages or disengages the differentials accordingly.
00:13:23You could not come up here in the Bentley or the Jaguar.
00:13:30It's quiet, I can't hear it.
00:13:33A Range Rover can wade through water nearly a metre deep.
00:13:39Look at that, look at it.
00:13:42What a machine you are!
00:13:45And then we just pop back up the hill.
00:13:48Power!
00:13:49Power now!
00:13:51There he is!
00:13:53Hey, no, hang on a minute.
00:13:54Oh, he is, he's there, look.
00:13:55No bird.
00:13:55What?
00:13:56Oh.
00:13:58And across the line.
00:14:02He's almost two minutes quicker than you were.
00:14:05That's not possible.
00:14:10How did you do that?
00:14:12What?
00:14:12That!
00:14:13A, your car's all wet, which it shouldn't be, and you're almost two minutes faster than Hammond.
00:14:17Yes, but you see, the thing is, you can buy a cheap car, like a Jaguar, or you can buy
00:14:23an expensive car, like a Ben...
00:14:34Here it is, Aerodrome!
00:14:40I'm gonna have their lunch, their drinks, and then stretch out across their seats.
00:14:47However, Mr. Wilman's plane was not what I was expecting.
00:14:59That is Jesus.
00:15:01And clearly, it was already taxiing.
00:15:04Oh, shit.
00:15:06No, look, the ramp's down.
00:15:10The ramp's down.
00:15:12The ramp is down.
00:15:25The ramp is down!
00:15:27Lot of jet wash.
00:15:28Lots of jet wash.
00:15:34I'm on!
00:15:36What?
00:15:37I'm off again.
00:15:39Going for second.
00:15:44I'm on!
00:15:46Back wheels!
00:15:48Jesus!
00:15:55Jeez.
00:16:00Holy shit, are you kidding?
00:16:11Come on, car!
00:16:12Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
00:16:19God!
00:16:21Ah!
00:16:23It's getting away!
00:16:28Coming through!
00:16:31Ha-ha!
00:16:33You bastard!
00:16:38Ooh, that was a bit late.
00:16:44I've gotta do it this time.
00:16:47No ring screen wipers, for God's sake!
00:16:51Here he comes!
00:16:52Here he comes!
00:16:56Ah!
00:16:57I can't do it!
00:17:00Shoot me!
00:17:01Shoot me, Alan!
00:17:02Come on!
00:17:05Here I come!
00:17:10Yeah!
00:17:14James!
00:17:18It won't start!
00:17:21Come on in, James!
00:17:23It won't go!
00:17:24Well, he can't take off like that, can he?
00:17:26No!
00:17:30Ah!
00:17:31Ooh!
00:17:32Oh, Jesus!
00:17:33Come on, car!
00:17:34You can do it!
00:17:44Come on, James!
00:17:45It's a good job, this runway!
00:17:47It's 26 miles from!
00:17:48I'm very pleased about that!
00:17:50It's even longer than that one in Fast and Furious!
00:17:52Much longer!
00:17:57Buffeting!
00:17:59Buffeting!
00:18:01Start!
00:18:03Yes, yes, yes!
00:18:05Oh, my Lord!
00:18:07Whoa!
00:18:08James May caught the plane!
00:18:10Welcome aboard!
00:18:12We did it!
00:18:13We did it!
00:18:13We all did it!
00:18:15We did a thing!
00:18:16That was extraordinary!
00:18:26Uh...
00:18:30Oh, God, I know what...
00:18:32We've just driven onto an aeroplane that just landed!
00:18:41I've got a text!
00:18:42What?
00:18:43It's from Mr. Wilman!
00:18:44Mm-hmm!
00:18:45It says, do you want coffees?
00:18:46I'm at the BA check-in!
00:18:47Mm-hmm!
00:18:50All right.
00:18:51It's in there, isn't it?
00:18:52There.
00:19:06Right, we've found three other people who are equally disillusioned with their RVs,
00:19:11and the rules are very simple.
00:19:13The last one, still running, is the winner.
00:19:16Once we'd climbed aboard our rigs-modified RVs, we were ready for the off.
00:19:22This is a stupid idea.
00:19:24I disapprove.
00:19:25It's needlessly destructive, and I really like my little truck.
00:19:30Here's my start-line strategy.
00:19:32Light goes green.
00:19:33Hard right hit James.
00:19:35I want him to be a bonnet emblem by the time I get to the first corner.
00:19:40He doesn't realise that the window's fallen out of his RV, and I can hear everything he's saying.
00:20:01Let's get this over with, shall we?
00:20:06That's what I'm done.
00:20:13Closing up on the lavatory.
00:20:15Here it goes.
00:20:18Oh, you hit me hard there!
00:20:23Totally right!
00:20:25Oh!
00:20:26Ho, ho, ho!
00:20:32Move!
00:20:34I have got the toughest vehicle here.
00:20:37I'm sure of that.
00:20:41Have a little go, Jeremy.
00:20:44Oh!
00:20:45Oh, my lights have come off!
00:20:47Oh, ho, ho, ho!
00:20:49The door was shut on me really badly!
00:20:52I can't see over my bonnet!
00:20:54Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:20:58Hammond's bonnet is completely off!
00:21:02However, the Mad Max makeover made his truck even more of a lethal weapon.
00:21:07In we go!
00:21:08Ha!
00:21:12Ha, ha, ha!
00:21:13Whoa!
00:21:14That's brutal!
00:21:16Oh, my door!
00:21:17Oh!
00:21:24I've been hit!
00:21:26I've been hit again!
00:21:30I'm in the sandwich of Americans!
00:21:35Oh, no, I'm being pushed!
00:21:40We are being annihilated by the two remaining Americans!
00:21:50As the contest heated up...
00:21:57I decided to pick on the biggest RV.
00:22:01You want demolition?
00:22:02Have some!
00:22:05Ha, ha, ha!
00:22:08Oh!
00:22:13Following hit after brutal hit...
00:22:17My opponent eventually conked out.
00:22:21But the battle had left me badly wounded.
00:22:25Oh, this is not going well for my little truck.
00:22:28I think my engine might be suffering.
00:22:31Ah!
00:22:33Oh, wall!
00:22:37Oh, that's gone badly wrong for me!
00:22:39I think I've lost the wheel now!
00:22:40Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
00:22:41I'm in a bad way!
00:22:43I've lost steering!
00:22:45Ah!
00:22:45Ha, ha, ha!
00:22:48Hammond is history!
00:22:51Now, only three of us remained.
00:22:54Come on!
00:22:56Hit James!
00:22:57Ramming speed!
00:23:04Whoa!
00:23:08You bastard!
00:23:10He's in the wall!
00:23:11He's in the wall!
00:23:13And toast!
00:23:15Whoa!
00:23:20Get him!
00:23:22Get him!
00:23:23I'm taking him!
00:23:28Oh, Lord!
00:23:31Going in hard and hot!
00:23:42Yeah!
00:23:44Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:23:46Oh, yes!
00:23:47The mighty RV boat is victorious!
00:23:5965 miles an hour to beat on one run.
00:24:02We'll know how fast you've gone because there's a speed readout over there which is connected to a speed trap.
00:24:07Don't you worry.
00:24:08I'll blow the doors off the speed reader.
00:24:10You just watch this car control.
00:24:12You ready, Nigel?
00:24:13Yep, yep.
00:24:14Ready.
00:24:14Three.
00:24:15Two.
00:24:16One.
00:24:17Go!
00:24:19He's underway!
00:24:20He's underway!
00:24:21So long, lads!
00:24:29Nigel!
00:24:30Get it right!
00:24:39Even though the impact had knocked all of Nigel's hair out, he managed to regain control.
00:24:48And he smashed James' speed record.
00:24:54But sadly, the hot rod was a write-off.
00:25:01I haven't seen a car this badly damaged since James drove into a tunnel once.
00:25:07Oh, that is...
00:25:08Oh, that is pretty dense.
00:25:10Yeah, Nigel.
00:25:11You did 89.14 miles an hour.
00:25:1425 miles an hour faster than I've ever been.
00:25:16Well done.
00:25:17I don't care.
00:25:18I am resigning.
00:25:19I hate this gig.
00:25:20It's uncomfy.
00:25:21I mean, look, there's no dignity in this, is there?
00:25:23Oh, mate.
00:25:24He's only been working with us for about three days.
00:25:26Yeah, he wasn't with us.
00:25:27People are saying, do you remember when Mansell was with them?
00:25:29Yeah.
00:25:29He didn't last long, did he?
00:25:31Right.
00:25:31We'd better apologise to the owners of the ski resource, I suppose.
00:25:34Sorry about that.
00:25:34Sorry.
00:25:35Sorry.
00:25:36Apologies.
00:25:38Who was that man that Nigel Mansell had a massive crash with when he tried British touring car racing?
00:25:45It was huge.
00:25:46Er, Quentin Wills?
00:25:48No.
00:25:49No, it was Steve...
00:25:50Was it Steve Barry?
00:25:51Michelle...
00:25:51No, Michelle Newman.
00:25:53Anyway, there was a big crash and there was a shag.
00:25:54I remember the crash.
00:25:55I just can't remember who he hit.
00:25:57Yeah, hang on.
00:25:57Anyway...
00:25:58Well, I was going to say, actually, we didn't always cock about on Grand Tour, did we?
00:26:01Sometimes we did practical, real-world tests and delivered vital consumer information.
00:26:06We genuinely did.
00:26:07Let's not forget the time we went to Canada to see how many dogs you could get into the
00:26:13back of an SUV.
00:26:15And then there was the time we went to Scotland to see which old Italian car had the best road
00:26:22holding.
00:26:22And then there was the airport and how best to deal with the misery of a 20-mile walk to
00:26:29your gate.
00:26:29And remember Morocco when we had those sports cars?
00:26:33And we didn't believe the weights that had been given by the manufacturers.
00:26:37And we built our own scales.
00:26:39Yes.
00:26:40Yes.
00:26:41Consumer advice.
00:26:58Wow.
00:26:59Yeah.
00:27:00Even more startling was Jeremy's choice of counterweight.
00:27:04Are you going to get it on there?
00:27:06It's going to jump.
00:27:08Oh, yeah.
00:27:08They're big jumpers cows.
00:27:09Look, you see, it wants to.
00:27:10He's limbering up.
00:27:10He's getting ready.
00:27:11You can tell.
00:27:12It's not going to jump.
00:27:13They can't jump.
00:27:14Up you come.
00:27:17Soon, without any help at all, I had fashioned a makeshift ramp.
00:27:24Very good.
00:27:25Well done.
00:27:26That was quick and effective.
00:27:28Unfortunately, the cow had wandered off, so I had to draft in a substitute.
00:27:34This is good.
00:27:35We are getting there.
00:27:36We are building up a big Christmas dinner.
00:27:38And then the original cow came back.
00:27:42Come on.
00:27:43Dr. Thinklittle.
00:27:45Come on.
00:27:45Come on.
00:27:46I'm going over here.
00:27:48Good cow.
00:27:51Tragically, however.
00:27:52It's not enough.
00:27:54Could you go and get another cow?
00:27:56Come on, small cow.
00:27:58He's on.
00:27:59Right.
00:27:59Excellent.
00:28:00Good, good, good, good, good.
00:28:01Jeremy.
00:28:03Oh, my God.
00:28:04Oh, my God.
00:28:05I don't want to be here for this.
00:28:06Oh, my God.
00:28:06I'm on some scales.
00:28:07It's carrots come out.
00:28:08Are they both boy cows?
00:28:10Yeah, they're both boys.
00:28:11Yeah.
00:28:11Oh, no, this is quite bad.
00:28:14Yeah.
00:28:15I'm stuck on a porn set.
00:28:19More importantly, the whole cast of our porn films still weighed less than the Mazda.
00:28:25Chickens.
00:28:25Hello, Chickies.
00:28:27It's not enough, is it?
00:28:28No.
00:28:29Doesn't make sense.
00:28:30Jeremy, this is complete nonsense.
00:28:34No.
00:28:35Come on.
00:28:36On we go.
00:28:37On you go.
00:28:38I'm not convinced that this isn't...
00:28:40Oh, the goat's escaped.
00:28:41At this stage, we explained to Jeremy that animals cannot be used as counterweights.
00:28:48Right, now, you may have a point.
00:28:49I think it's better if I kill them.
00:28:52What?
00:28:52Well, if they're dead, they won't mind.
00:28:56This plan made the job much easier.
00:29:01Oh, hello.
00:29:03My experiment has worked.
00:29:05Well, we have a figure.
00:29:06For the record, it weighs two cows, two legs of cows, brackets rear, one camel and three goats.
00:29:12That's incredible.
00:29:13It's the most exciting thing I've ever been involved in.
00:29:17Having established the weight of the Mazda, it was time to do the Xenos.
00:29:23Right, Hammond, reverse off down my superb ramp.
00:29:28Oh, I'm going to work this way a bit, then.
00:29:30Why is he doing that?
00:29:31James counterbalances with your...
00:29:32Hang on, that's not gone well.
00:29:34Yeah, it has.
00:29:34No, it's moved.
00:29:35No, it's good news.
00:29:36Oh!
00:29:37Oh, this is...
00:29:38Now the back wheels have come off.
00:29:40Somebody get on the whole crew!
00:29:43What's happened?
00:29:44Oh, God!
00:29:46No, then, there's no point doing that, Hammond.
00:29:48We need to think this through.
00:29:53Hang on, I've got an idea.
00:29:55If you get off there, this side will go up, then you can put the ramp under the back wheels
00:29:59of the Mazda when it comes down again.
00:30:01Yes.
00:30:02So you all need to get off.
00:30:03Right, I'm off.
00:30:08Hang on, are you going up now?
00:30:10I think so.
00:30:11No, we need more...
00:30:12I know, everybody has to go on there.
00:30:13On that side, yeah.
00:30:14Everybody, all the crew...
00:30:15All the chunkier lads.
00:30:16If you get on that one, how did we get into this position?
00:30:21Right, somebody pull on the front just to tip it, then we...
00:30:23Right, and then we will move this ramp.
00:30:25Hello, can I have all...
00:30:27He's down now!
00:30:28Am I going to die?
00:30:30Am I dead?
00:30:31Am I dead?
00:30:37What I do is, I take the rear wheels off, let the tyres down, and put these plastic covers on,
00:30:43then pump the tyres back up again, put them back on.
00:30:45That gives the car the loose back end you want to drift.
00:30:48These are just...
00:30:49This is like putting insulating tape on the back wheels of your Scalextric cars.
00:30:53Stand by.
00:30:56Right, turn in.
00:30:58Get the drifts going, and...
00:31:05This entertainment went on for quite some time.
00:31:23No.
00:31:26Until, eventually...
00:31:27Dabber brakes in...
00:31:30And hold it, hold it!
00:31:32He's turning the steering wheel!
00:31:33He's turning the steering wheel!
00:31:35He's turning the steering wheel!
00:31:35He did a thing to it!
00:31:36Yes!
00:31:38Yes, yes, yes!
00:31:42This looks like a lot of fun.
00:31:44We're going to do that.
00:31:44We're going to try it.
00:31:45Oh, no, there's the only set.
00:31:47What, are those things?
00:31:48Yeah, they're the only set, so we can't do it.
00:31:50Well, no, we can make some.
00:31:58Did you ask if you could borrow this bit?
00:32:00No, but they won't need it.
00:32:04And rotate.
00:32:07This goes over.
00:32:10It'll require a little bit of persuasion.
00:32:12James May just drifted perfectly behind you.
00:32:14This is another of those weird days.
00:32:18With his tyre covers made,
00:32:20Hammond decided not to hold back.
00:32:31Oh, this is going to be...
00:32:33I mean, seriously, he's going to get to that corner and then...
00:32:39Where can the helicopter land?
00:32:43Here comes a drift.
00:32:44Here it comes.
00:32:46And drifting.
00:32:50It's completely out of control.
00:32:56Let's try...
00:32:57Let's just try again.
00:33:01All right, well, no, that's fallen off.
00:33:03That could be interesting.
00:33:08And I am turning in.
00:33:10Drifting.
00:33:11Oh, no, I'm...
00:33:13No, there's... I've got no steering.
00:33:16Annoyingly, Hammond's dismal failure didn't stop him fitting his ridiculous contraptions to my precious alpha.
00:33:24And insisting that I have a go.
00:33:27Think of the trouble Alfa Romeo went to to make this car exquisite.
00:33:33Think of the trouble that Pirelli went to to make the tyres grip properly.
00:33:38And then along comes Hammond with the bin.
00:33:42Whatever, here we go.
00:33:44Oops, sorry, Yesroyo.
00:33:59No.
00:34:04Onwards to the next part of our test.
00:34:08which was to find out how utilitarian they are we're going to do this by seeing which one of us
00:34:17can get the most amount of dogs in the boot of our car
00:34:23how many do you idiots what what are they if you say dog in canada these are what you get
00:34:29newfoundlands i mean they're enormous they're not dogs they're cattle yeah
00:34:35they're having sex there's dog sex there's actual dog sex going on dog sex maybe we don't need to
00:34:43see this in a brief break from the mating we got on with the test up we go come on
00:34:50come on come up in
00:34:53the car towards a new range rover come on dog right um there's no no up we go in we
00:35:03go
00:35:05the dog has never been in a car and doesn't want to go in one right sit getting another dog
00:35:18dog beer
00:35:24ow yes stay
00:35:30the alfa romeo not only the sportiest vehicle but as you can see perfectly capable of handling
00:35:39a brace of dogs oh yeah the problem is you know electric tailgates if they sense anything
00:35:53they'll open yes that's what so it can't actually close it's not going to stay in is it oh
00:36:00bigots dog here is in yes but you try closing okay then close your boot lead
00:36:05come on then
00:36:08you see it won't close because it's electric
00:36:11what we've established then so far is that these cars are nowhere near as fast as an ordinary car around
00:36:18a racetrack that you cannot put a medium-sized dog in them because of the electric tailgate
00:36:23mm-hmm and you'll damage them because they've all got painted rear ends and carpeted boot floors
00:36:28and that concludes another important test i'm sorry
00:36:39so here we are arriving at the airport with what looks like normal hand luggage
00:36:44okay what i have here as you can see is a perfectly ordinary wheeled suitcase if i
00:36:49fold the handle away it will fit in an overhead locker however if i lay it down like so you
00:36:56can see
00:36:57starting to look like a car not really mate no it is it will look even more like a car
00:37:03when i have completed the build simply open it up as you can see all the things i need for
00:37:09a
00:37:09couple of nights away are in there it is actually a suitcase but also in here is um a steering
00:37:15wheel
00:37:16so shut that up you heard that a solid click like an m16 rifle bolt
00:37:23this is my accelerator my brake and then i simply
00:37:28this is going to be quite careful to keep that away from
00:37:32my plums and i am ready to go so where's yours
00:37:35here is it laptop yeah put it on the floor
00:37:41wheeled laptop oh yeah yeah but oh i see you're standing on it
00:37:45yeah and i'm off i mean that does look a bit dangerous
00:37:48it is that's why i'm wearing all these pads
00:37:52right are we ready then to revolutionize air travel let's do this
00:38:03oh shit i may have i may have hit the other sign as well
00:38:07my brakes aren't as good no i hit the big sign
00:38:13soon we were motoring through the duty-free shops
00:38:18hello this is the future
00:38:22you're dragging your suitcase instead of using it to get you to the gate
00:38:29beep beep beep sorry i'm sorry i thank you
00:38:34in full power mode have a top speed of 28 miles an hour but i'm not using that
00:38:39because in full power mode you have no steering at all
00:38:42no no no no no oh sorry man
00:38:46uh jeremy you killed a man
00:38:48oh shit no oh hammer's gone
00:38:53ow i meant that
00:38:57eventually though i started to get the hang of my machine
00:39:00handbrake turn
00:39:05hammond what i'm drifting a suitcase
00:39:07you're not
00:39:08this is more like a racetrack than a shot oh shit
00:39:14oh shit
00:39:17can somebody do this is where's the manager
00:39:20this was like this when we got here
00:39:22soon we decided that we should use the time we'd made up
00:39:26having a drink
00:39:30oh sorry
00:39:31the speed
00:39:40oh rides like a tesla
00:39:43oh
00:39:43enjoying your walk
00:39:50onto the way
00:39:59nothing to see here
00:40:00nothing to see
00:40:02is it gate 88 hammond
00:40:03what no mate it's this one
00:40:08where's the plane
00:40:14so much usable real world consumer advice i'm surprised we didn't win more or indeed any awards
00:40:22and there was more if you think about it i mean can you do naught to 100 miles an hour
00:40:29and then back to naught again in an old jag on a mountain runway
00:40:34can you jump a maserati
00:40:36onto a fishing boat in the harbor
00:40:38it's need to know stuff
00:40:39exactly need to know there's more as well
00:40:41can a modern day satellite navigation system find its way to a town in austria with a rude name
00:40:48without us saying the name of that rude town
00:40:52can it
00:40:52on television
00:40:53can you fire real guns from the back of a moving pickup truck
00:40:57i'm asked that every single day
00:41:00this is what people needed to know
00:41:12it is inevitable in the developing world that one day
00:41:16all pickup trucks end up being used as gun platforms
00:41:20yeah it's their destiny
00:41:21to die on the battlefield
00:41:22yeah i mean every day you turn on the news
00:41:24and there's somebody standing in the back of a toyota or a nissan
00:41:27shooting at someone in a humvee or a land rover
00:41:31and what we want to know is how good will our european trucks be at that
00:41:36ride out to glory
00:41:37look at him
00:41:39the soldier of fortune
00:41:40dogs of war
00:41:42that's not scary
00:41:43the spaniel of war is what it is
00:41:48oh this is quite difficult
00:41:49even though i've got the car with the most sophisticated suspension
00:41:53i've got a slightly slippery floor
00:41:56i'm looking for a barn door
00:41:58there it is
00:42:05they make this look a lot easier in blackhawk down
00:42:08there's a bus
00:42:18having somehow managed to miss a whole bus
00:42:20i started to look for the cardboard soldiers
00:42:24die cardboard cutout bus
00:42:31stand up
00:42:32i am standing up
00:42:35oh he loves that
00:42:42welcome to richard hammond's usual weekend
00:42:47oh wait
00:42:48is that a bar door
00:42:51oh bush got in the way
00:42:52that's all that happened
00:42:55boss
00:42:55big target
00:42:58oh shit
00:42:59about bullets
00:43:03that's what i've got
00:43:04go 50 cal
00:43:05lock and load
00:43:08yes
00:43:09barn door
00:43:10barn door
00:43:11coming into view
00:43:19oh god
00:43:21i may have missed
00:43:22what yeah
00:43:23i've missed the door
00:43:24i'm there badly
00:43:25searching for targets
00:43:27there's a bus around here somewhere
00:43:29there it is
00:43:31oh i can't get on it
00:43:32i can't get on it
00:43:33i can't get on the bus
00:43:35opening fire
00:43:39oh god
00:43:40i think i hit that
00:43:40but i've done that wrong
00:43:42men on the bridge
00:43:43lock and load
00:43:44i said it again
00:43:46die
00:44:06maybe i'm getting a bit
00:44:07it's the leaf springs
00:44:09bad mark for volkswagen there
00:44:11this jiggliness
00:44:12right here we go
00:44:14men
00:44:14die
00:44:19die
00:44:20die
00:44:23oh god
00:44:32jeremy
00:44:33jeremy this car
00:44:33is better than yours
00:44:35well
00:44:36now
00:44:36it just isn't
00:44:38is it
00:44:38you're being a
00:44:39what's the word
00:44:47we then flashed through the village of kissing
00:44:50getting it over with as quickly as possible
00:44:54then we went through petting
00:44:56and to make sure we reached
00:44:59um
00:44:59third base
00:45:00before bedtime
00:45:01we decided to set our sat navs
00:45:05please name the country
00:45:07austria
00:45:09please name the city
00:45:11fu king
00:45:13excuse me
00:45:18okay
00:45:19sorry
00:45:21okay
00:45:24okay
00:45:25sorry
00:45:27is your destination selking
00:45:30no
00:45:32fu king
00:45:34cracking
00:45:35cracking
00:45:35has been accepted
00:45:37which street should i select
00:45:39parking
00:45:41sorry
00:45:42they can't say it
00:45:44people are listening
00:45:45okay
00:45:47sorry
00:45:49thankfully hammond decided to program his bargain basement system
00:45:54manually
00:45:54f
00:45:56u
00:45:59a
00:46:00k
00:46:05it's gone in
00:46:08and soon
00:46:09we cross the border
00:46:11into austria
00:46:12it's very very pretty austria
00:46:17no idea
00:46:18no idea why hitler was in such a bad mood
00:46:23eventually
00:46:23we arrived
00:46:24um
00:46:26here
00:46:28so is this the climax
00:46:30of this stage of our journey
00:46:32is it all it's cracked up to be
00:46:34that's what i want to know
00:46:35because often it can be a disappointment
00:46:37the first time you go there
00:46:39first time i came here i couldn't find the way in
00:46:54last night after the other two had gone to bed i arranged for our company yacht
00:46:58to be waiting for me in the harbor
00:47:01and there it is
00:47:09i simply drive up hop aboard and then we'll be on our way
00:47:36james and i had arrived at the location for our next challenge
00:47:41a runway
00:47:43and once our colleague had arrived i explained what mr willman had planned
00:47:50we're gonna go from here one at a time naught to a hundred and then back to naught again
00:47:55and you've got to stop before the end of the runway and you really do have to stop
00:47:59because this airport has a
00:48:01a slightly unusual feature
00:48:06perched on the summit of a rocky mountain
00:48:08telluride is the highest commercial airport in the u.s
00:48:14and at the end of the runway
00:48:16there is
00:48:19nothing
00:48:20just a thousand foot drop
00:48:23to an uncomfortable end
00:48:28finally it was my turn
00:48:30and i was going to need as much runway
00:48:32and as much streamlining
00:48:34as possible
00:48:35for good reason
00:48:38right now we're alone viewers
00:48:39i'm going to admit to you that my car
00:48:42has gone into limp home mode
00:48:44which is not ideal for this sort of thing
00:48:47in three
00:48:48two
00:48:49one
00:49:01forty
00:49:04it's moving
00:49:06i mean
00:49:07just barely
00:49:08but
00:49:10fifty
00:49:16sixty
00:49:23he's still accelerating
00:49:24seventy
00:49:27seventy
00:49:28seventy-five
00:49:32eighty
00:49:33miles
00:49:33eighty
00:49:34eighty miles an hour
00:49:39ninety
00:49:43oh my god
00:50:10what do you think
00:50:11we've spent the most money on
00:50:13nobody years
00:50:15crisps
00:50:16band-aids
00:50:17putting you back together again
00:50:18after accidents like that
00:50:19tires
00:50:20yeah
00:50:21i bet we spent a fortune on tires
00:50:23petrol
00:50:24lawyers
00:50:25we didn't spend enough on lawyers
00:50:27beer
00:50:27wine
00:50:27gin
00:50:28possibly gin
00:50:31i know what it is
00:50:32what
00:50:33dynamite
00:50:43is that barrel
00:50:45gonna
00:50:54fire
00:50:55fire
00:51:00to
00:51:01tip it
00:51:01on
00:51:01clip it
00:51:02on
00:51:05yeah we are pumping gas
00:51:09oh shit
00:51:10oh no
00:51:13go go go
00:51:41four five
00:51:42engage
00:51:53what's that
00:52:10shit
00:52:13blowing things up is a lot of fun isn't it
00:52:15yes
00:52:15not when you're blowing up my house
00:52:18now he's right fun
00:52:19doesn't cover it's not a big enough word
00:52:22to cover how enjoyable that was
00:52:25can we just move on now from blowing up my house
00:52:28because
00:52:29in some of the films we made
00:52:31there was a relatively small amount of things blowing up
00:52:35and i've got to be honest
00:52:37when you're just looking at cars
00:52:40it can't be quite good for me
00:53:03holy moly
00:53:07och i the view
00:53:09it's amazing
00:53:11look at it
00:53:15i mean it's
00:53:16this is heaven
00:53:20and not just the scenery
00:53:22which is
00:53:23magnificent
00:53:24the road itself
00:53:25the twists
00:53:26turns
00:53:27surface
00:53:28you have to get the right ingredients together in the right order in the right place
00:53:32it's a complicated thing
00:53:34a really fabulous road
00:53:36but this manages it
00:53:41absolutely glorious
00:53:53oh the penis 287
00:53:55is really coming up trumps here
00:54:09god i bet my car looks elegant going through this scenery
00:54:23this is what the gtv6 was built to do
00:54:27open sweeping roads
00:54:32nothing but the sound of that v6 howling away
00:54:48this is what driving is all about
00:54:52this is the dream
00:55:07life doesn't get much better than this
00:55:10cadwell park sunny day
00:55:12park one lotus cortina
00:55:16this thing is a riot
00:55:22it had a revolutionary twin cam 1.6 meter engine
00:55:28which sounds like a murder of mad bees
00:55:35it revved like hell
00:55:37all the way to 8000 rpm
00:55:40and produced 105 horsepower
00:55:48oh wow
00:55:54the result was some spectacular performance
00:55:58the road cars would do 108 miles an hour
00:56:02and in race trip
00:56:03that shot up to 145
00:56:08that was the stuff of spaceships back then
00:56:12and best of all
00:56:13if you were really on it
00:56:15it would lift the front wheel in the corners
00:56:21on the downside it didn't stop properly
00:56:25and there was very little grip
00:56:29so it was an oversteer mentalist
00:56:45holy baba
00:56:56the bracket is just astonishing
00:56:59imagine this for a 24 hour race
00:57:06even though it's a 50 year old car
00:57:09the 917 is fast by the standards of any decade
00:57:130-60
00:57:152.7 seconds
00:57:17top speed
00:57:19224 miles an hour
00:57:22and it was built without compromise
00:57:25using the absolute bare minimum of materials
00:57:30so for example
00:57:32this bodywork which is very close to my head
00:57:35it's fiberglass
00:57:371.2 millimeters thick
00:57:39that's it
00:57:40now in front of me I have a big rev counter
00:57:42an oil temperature gauge
00:57:44and an oil pressure gauge
00:57:45that's all the information you get
00:57:47if those are reading correctly
00:57:49that means the engine isn't going to blow up
00:57:52and that means
00:57:53you can pin it
00:57:58gee
00:57:59it's the world's fastest canoe
00:58:03the 5 liter 12 cylinder engine produces 621 horsepower
00:58:09which is modest by the standards of today's road going hyper cars
00:58:13but
00:58:14this thing weighs just 800 kilograms
00:58:17as a result
00:58:19the power to weight
00:58:21is off the scale
00:58:25bloody hell this is special
00:58:30I'm amazed Porsche let me drive it at all
00:58:32I mean
00:58:33they didn't give me any training
00:58:35they just put me in and said
00:58:36pull this or turn that
00:58:38and you'll be fine
00:58:42and now since the legend is celebrating its 50th birthday
00:58:45I think it deserves a fun day out
00:58:51so I thought
00:58:52why don't we put Mr Dicky Atwood back in it
00:58:55to stretch its legs a bit and spice things up
00:58:58and whilst he's there
00:58:59let's see how the old legend
00:59:01I mean the car
00:59:02stacks up against a modern Porsche
00:59:06specifically this Porsche
00:59:08the 911 GT2 RS
00:59:10the biggest gun in Porsche's current arsenal
00:59:17now attentive viewers will have noticed that I'm not actually driving
00:59:21and that's because I've decided to do this properly
00:59:23we're going to have old Porsche Le Mans winning racing driver
00:59:27versus young Porsche Le Mans winning racing driver
00:59:31because it's Neil Yarny and he won for Porsche in 2016 in the 919
00:59:36to be honest he's also probably a bit better at this than I am
00:59:40as for the cars themselves
00:59:42on paper it's a tough one to call
00:59:45we have 700 horsepower in here
00:59:48621 horsepower in the 917
00:59:50but the 917 weighs just 800 kilograms
00:59:54this weighs 1830 kilograms
00:59:57it's over a ton heavier
00:59:59but then again we've got modern tyres
01:00:01and we've got modern brakes
01:00:02and we have a modern gearbox with paddles
01:00:04so I mean God knows
01:00:05let's find out
01:00:09what I hadn't considered in my comparisons
01:00:12was Dicky
01:00:18oh cheeky
01:00:19look how bloody fast he's going
01:00:23the man's a lunatic
01:00:24he's 78
01:00:28he's going great
01:00:30carrying a massive amount of speed in to the corner
01:00:35here we go
01:00:37have him
01:00:45the red mist has descended again after a pause of nearly half a century
01:00:50and Mr Atwood has gone quite mad
01:00:58oh yes this could be it
01:01:01yes
01:01:02oh no
01:01:04oh he's had you
01:01:07well you can't quite outbrake him because you're too heavy
01:01:10but in the end
01:01:11youth and modern rubber triumph over a flat hat
01:01:15oh we're right all over
01:01:16we're all over his tent
01:01:17here we go
01:01:26yes
01:01:31nicely done sir
01:01:32lucky
01:01:33I can keep my job
01:01:34yes
01:01:35I think you can keep your job
01:02:01welcome everyone
01:02:03to the most magnificent french car of them all
01:02:11the sm
01:02:13a citron coupe
01:02:15with a 2.7 litre
01:02:17maserati v6
01:02:18under the bonnet
01:02:24this in essence really is franco-italian
01:02:28and that can work
01:02:29John Alessi he's franco-italian
01:02:32so is Olivia Giroux
01:02:34Eric Cantona
01:02:35David Ginola
01:02:36that worked well
01:02:38yeah
01:02:38so what you got in one of these
01:02:40was french complexity
01:02:42and italian fragility
01:02:44yeah
01:02:44let's go give you an example of the complexity
01:02:47it doesn't have a throttle linkage
01:02:50as such
01:02:51well it does
01:02:52but you get a rod
01:02:53then a bit of cable
01:02:54then another rod
01:02:55then it goes through the exhaust manifold
01:02:57it does
01:02:59basically the engine out
01:03:01and here's another good one
01:03:02all the wiring under the bonnet is black
01:03:05so you've no idea where it's going or where it came from
01:03:08it's just all black
01:03:09I don't know
01:03:10they don't
01:03:12it's the stop light there
01:03:14that's what I love
01:03:15the biggest stop sign
01:03:17yeah it doesn't even specify
01:03:18just stop
01:03:19one of a number of things has gone wrong again
01:03:23that's what it says
01:03:24this is a really big light to tell you inevitably
01:03:27stop
01:03:29what did you expect
01:03:30here is the moment you knew was coming
01:03:34and you must stop instantly or die
01:03:41but can we just mention the looks
01:03:43that's one of the best looking cars ever made
01:03:50some angles there's a sort of gawkiness to it
01:03:52which is I know we've gone on about it before
01:03:54but real true beauty isn't just that
01:03:56that sort of internet fake
01:03:58perfectly symmetrical
01:04:00this has an angularity to it
01:04:03oh it's stunning
01:04:06tell you what I love
01:04:07is the list of people who owned
01:04:09an SM
01:04:11okay
01:04:11oh eclectic
01:04:13you've got
01:04:15Graham Greene
01:04:16Brezhnev
01:04:17Haile Selassie
01:04:19Lee Majors
01:04:20the six million dollar man
01:04:21John Barry
01:04:22the guy who wrote all the Bond stuff
01:04:24yeah
01:04:24Idi Amin
01:04:25had seven of them
01:04:27seven SMs
01:04:28just on the off chance
01:04:30one of them worked
01:04:30but this is the really interesting one right
01:04:33Bill Wyman from the Stones
01:04:34okay
01:04:35Adam Clayton from U2
01:04:36and Guy Berryman from Coldplay
01:04:39they're all bassists
01:04:40and they all had SMs
01:04:44that's because nobody ever looks at the bassists
01:04:46they're always standing at the back
01:04:47aren't they
01:04:47but you could still know
01:04:48so stop looking at the lead singer
01:04:50I've got a sodding SM
01:04:51yeah look at me
01:04:52yes
01:05:00I love this car
01:05:01I really want one
01:05:04I can feel the vibe of a man wanting something
01:05:07coming from over there
01:05:09and I think you should have one
01:05:11so I can look at it
01:05:13it's so special
01:05:15and I want to be the kind of person
01:05:17that would
01:05:18well
01:05:19set out
01:05:20to turn up in one
01:05:21yeah you'd never get there
01:05:23no
01:05:23but you'd be an optimist
01:05:24well people would see you arriving this
01:05:26and assume you were just an optimistic idiot
01:05:28yeah
01:05:29which I kind of am
01:05:52for me though
01:05:53the most emotional thing we ever did
01:05:56was on a chilly afternoon in Lincolnshire
01:05:59you may remember
01:06:00because
01:06:02the medium-sized Ford
01:06:04the backbone really
01:06:05for
01:06:06let's be honest
01:06:07most British families
01:06:08for many many years
01:06:09was about to die
01:06:11and we wanted to say
01:06:13a proper goodbye
01:06:24so
01:06:24to give this car
01:06:25the send-off it deserves
01:06:29we've booked Lincoln Cathedral
01:06:39and invited some like-minded souls
01:06:42to mark the moment
01:06:43of its passing
01:06:51this will be
01:06:52a funeral for a friend
01:06:54a few people have turned up already
01:07:04look at that
01:07:14big isn't it
01:07:14very
01:07:15hmm
01:07:16tallest building in the world
01:07:18for 250 years
01:07:19this
01:07:21how many people
01:07:22do you think
01:07:22are going to turn up
01:07:23well it is a Tuesday afternoon
01:07:26well it is a Tuesday afternoon
01:07:26well we might go 50
01:07:27I don't think it could be 100
01:07:30100 would be nice
01:07:31wouldn't it
01:07:31yeah
01:07:33in fact it was rather more than 100
01:07:48so many people came
01:07:50that the traffic in Lincoln
01:07:52ground to a halt
01:07:59and we had to begin the service
01:08:01before they'd all arrived
01:08:06forth
01:08:07forth
01:08:09forth
01:08:09m Dale
01:08:18dear
01:08:20dear
01:08:21children
01:08:22of
01:08:22all mankind
01:08:25don't give
01:08:27a foolish
01:08:29standpoint
01:08:31we prove us
01:08:33in our right
01:08:35for mine,
01:08:37with cruel
01:08:39lies thy
01:08:41servants find
01:08:43in thee
01:08:45forever's
01:08:47grace,
01:08:49in thee
01:08:52forever's
01:08:54grace.
01:08:57From
01:08:59high
01:09:00situs of
01:09:02quiet rest,
01:09:04till all
01:09:06our shining
01:09:07seas,
01:09:10dim from
01:09:12our souls
01:09:13burn strain and
01:09:16stress, and
01:09:18let our
01:09:19modern lives
01:09:21confess the
01:09:24beauty
01:09:25of thy
01:09:27needs.
01:09:29The beauty
01:09:32of
01:09:33thy
01:09:34blessings
01:09:38be
01:09:39true
01:09:40in
01:09:41the
01:09:41peace of
01:09:43our
01:09:43peace of
01:09:45thy
01:09:46goodness
01:09:47and
01:09:48thy
01:09:49power.
01:09:52And
01:09:52since
01:09:53we
01:09:53come,
01:09:55let
01:09:55Let's pray to the king of the king of the king of the king of the king of the king.
01:10:26I don't think we ever made a better film than that for demonstrating that cars are not just rubber and
01:10:35steel and glass and plastic, did we?
01:10:37Yeah, that's summed it up. That they matter. They're about people.
01:10:40Yeah, great film, mate. Anyway, I think that concludes our contractual obligation.
01:10:48They are complete.
01:10:51And that's it.
01:10:53I think we're done.
01:10:54Pub.
01:10:55Wait a minute.
01:10:56Oh, well, Sherry, then pub.
01:10:58I'm going to toast it in, Sherry. I know you don't like a toast.
01:11:01Oh, no.
01:11:02What?
01:11:05I've just read subsection 5.3.282.
01:11:10Do we need to pack?
01:11:11Nah.
01:11:13We're done.
01:11:14I know you don't like a cheers, but I'm going to do one anyway.
01:11:16Cheers.
01:11:17It's been immense.
01:11:18Cheers.
01:11:19Cheers.
01:11:20I hope this is Arby's Bristol Cream.
01:11:22Oh, it's only the best.
01:11:24Never thought it would end like this, did you?
01:11:27Jesus Christ, it is.
01:11:31See you, everyone.
01:11:33Bye.
01:11:35Bye.
01:11:45Bye.
01:11:59Bye.
01:11:59Bye.
01:12:00Bye.
01:12:00Bye.
01:12:00.
01:12:30.
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