- 6 hours ago
Animal Control - Season 4 Episode 12 - Golden Moose and Wiener Dogs
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Good morning, Seattle, and welcome to Old Town's 17th annual Wiener Parade.
00:06We've got food trucks, we've got marching bands, and of course, the Wiener Queen.
00:11At 17 years old, Her Majesty is the longest living wiener in Washington's history.
00:17I don't like going better to this. Something feels off.
00:20You just say that every time we experience whimsy.
00:23No, a parade is no place for whimsy. Whimsy is for college improv teams before they all have sex with
00:27each other, ruining the dynamic.
00:29Deems, this is Ace. I've got a pocket queen. Check in. Is everything copacetic?
00:32No, it's your worst nightmare, Frank. People are having fun.
00:35Yeah, everything's cool. There's all that and a bag of chips.
00:38You want to eat something, Vince?
00:45Put your hands together for the Memorial High School marching band, the Fighting Badgers.
00:51For the love of God, no. Dachshunds hunt badgers. It's in their DNA, along with short legs and back problems.
01:01Take your hands off! Show him you're a man!
01:05Take your hands off!
01:09Jacob! I need Jacob!
01:14Where are you?
01:15I lost the queen. She's old and blind. She doesn't stand a chance.
01:18I got eyes on the queen.
01:19Unfortunately, she's in the middle of a sausage party, and we're all invited.
01:24I saved the queen!
01:27I mean, it's a dog, but still, dressed like a queen, it's peeing all over me!
01:34I lost the queen.
01:35I lost the queen.
01:38I lost the queen.
01:50I lost the queen.
01:54I lost the queen.
02:03We're all in the middle of a sausage party.
02:04excited for the Animal Control Officer of the Year award weekend in Bellingham!
02:08Are you gonna be like this for the entire two-hour bus ride? Well I for one am jazzed
02:13because two of our cootie nominees hail from our very own precinct. We have Frank Shaw
02:21and Templeton Dunn. Future winners get the board of the bus first!
02:28You know there's a world where Templeton's compression socks
02:31cut the blood off to his heart and I win by default. Frank I'm really excited to watch you
02:35glad hand on the campaign trail but I do have one note. Too handsome? Yeah it's a curse I've had
02:39to
02:39deal with most of my life since a very successful puberty. We need to talk handshakes. You come from
02:44a time when it was fun to squeeze hard but that's not where we're at now. Yeah see that? That's
02:48crazy.
02:49I need you to win the golden moose so that Templeton doesn't because I know him and he's going to
02:53try
02:53and leverage a win to take over the precinct so no pressure but I need your most charming and
02:57least defensive. Well it's tricky because people find my offensiveness charming. If he takes over
03:01I mean it's going to be a nuclear winter. Forced overtimes, creepy one-on-one performance reviews
03:05and say goodbye to riddle of the day. Uh riddle of the day is the first thing to go. After
03:10that we're
03:11going gender specific uniforms, girls in skirts, boys in shorts.
03:19Are you leaving for good? Supplies for my annual cocktail party. We had a huge crowd for
03:24speakeasy for sheezy last year. This year's theme is freaky tiki. I don't know what to expect.
03:28I'm loving Akuti Patel man. 48 hours away from the family so full of life. It's a little glimpse
03:33of what could have been brother. Okay no flaming cocktails though because after the fire that
03:37Victoria started last year we're kind of on thin ice with the menu. Um you neglect to mention me saving
03:41all of our co-workers by pulling the fire alarm all without spilling my margarita al fuego.
03:45Thanks to you I spent the evening shivering on the sidewalk. Yeah because you ripped your shirt off as
03:49you were running down the hallway. That was for speed. Look I'm sure it was an accident
03:53sort of but you know you're banned from the hotel right? No no I'm banned from booking a room at
03:58the hotel. That doesn't mean that I can't find someone to crash with and this is like the horniest
04:02animal control weekend of the year. I'm sure someone will take it astray. All right let's get her on the
04:06bus.
04:10Welcome everybody I'm Wayne Peters and I'm running this year's a cooties. Quick administrative
04:14housekeeping note uh I've noticed a few officers walking around in these what happens in Bellingham t-shirts.
04:21This is a work event and we do not want a repeat of last year. No we we do not
04:26you. Because what
04:27happens in Bellingham can wind up on your professional record. Okay let's go get them.
04:33Meantime cocktails and so forth enjoy yourselves.
04:38Hey so I haven't checked in yet should we try to get conjoining rooms? What no of course not didn't
04:44you hear what Wayne said? Does this still work? Wait so everybody's gonna hook up with a co-worker
04:48here except for us? Exactly. Morgan from Oregon. Oh I barely recognize you with that pretty dress. Get
04:56out of here girl. Jerry! Hey kukwats on the empty nest brother. My kids are doing great though. I've got
05:01one in travel soccer the other one's doing debate. Wait what am I talking about my kids at a party?
05:06Big thing you know I'll be trying to show you pictures of my baby eating with a pork.
05:10It is pretty cute though. Hey cheers to last year's a cootie winner. Did they put you up in a
05:17penthouse?
05:18No just a garden unit. Tell me more about this unit. It's pretty nice. It's got one of those
05:22retractable clothes lines in the shower and everything. My clothes get so wet.
05:26And he looks confident. I was a nervous wreck this time last year and I didn't even have to write
05:31a
05:31speech. Wait Frank has to give a speech? Yeah. Can I talk to you out here for a second? Okay
05:36everybody here
05:37is going nuts on each other. On the walk over every other door had a do not disturb sign on.
05:42Just try not to think about it. You know enjoy the party. Okay yeah this is rough. She's really
05:48getting in there. Yeah. You can count on the guy that rescued 24 animals in 24 hours.
05:53Hey um did you know that you have to make a speech tomorrow night? Yeah acceptance. No this is a
05:58speech
05:59about what being an animal control officer means to you and it's a new thing this year. Wait you have
06:03to give a speech and you didn't know about it? Guys I know that I have to give a speech.
06:07Now if you'll excuse me. Are you uh enjoying the party? Damn it if you'll excuse me. Okay.
06:18Hello Erin do you mind if I just jump in here real quick? That was like crumb all over again.
06:23But don't take my word for it. Take mine. Confirming you can still see the teleprompter with the video?
06:31I don't need it. I memorized this three weeks ago. I have a photographic memory. That's why women
06:35don't change in front of me. Yeah that's one of the reasons why. You kept the speech requirement
06:39from me? I did. When I took over your desk I started intercepting your emails. Oh your dentist says
06:45happy birthday by the way. I lost a molar because I didn't get that appointment reminder. I don't
06:49think you're gonna be smiling anyway sputtering improvised sentence fragments in front of a full
06:53room of your very judgmental peers. Now if you'll excuse me I have a fitting because you just ruined my
06:58rehearsal. We're done. The two three is coming for you. Are you afraid? Because you should be.
07:04No I'm not afraid. Stop it. Stop. Stop.
07:17Hi. Oh if it isn't the almost arsonist of Bellingham. Oh I can't talk right now. I'm writing the speech.
07:25I just hit a flow state. Oh let's see what's flowed out of you so far. Well the faucet's not
07:30fully
07:31cranked. What does job mean to Frank? Uh Templeton really screwed you over. You might as well do your
07:36go-to and rip your shirt off because you're not going to win people over with this. I just started
07:41an hour ago. I'll tell you what. I'll help you with your speech. You let me crash here. So your
07:46alley cat and heat strategy didn't work on anyone? You know what I think I've underestimated the emotional
07:51trauma escaping a burning building leaves on people and I bought these to sweeten the deal.
07:55Screw tops. Way to go.
08:02Thanks for meeting me here. I know it's not the honeymoon suite but you know it's ours.
08:11Okay why are you kissing me like I'm your grandmother? Okay I know this whole thing is hard.
08:18Yeah it is. You won't come to my room but we have to meet in like the coldest place in
08:22the hotel.
08:23You know I hate it too but there's nothing we can really do about it. Yeah but there is though.
08:27You said we could tell people two months ago and it's been four months. Okay well the two
08:31month thing was just kind of like an estimate. It's just starting to feel like maybe you don't
08:36want people to know because I'm not worth the risk. Like that you don't think this can actually work.
08:43It's hopeless. No you just you have to hook people emotionally. Like that's the only way to win them
08:50over because people are stupid and they're ruled by their dumb hearts. I've spent a lifetime bottling
08:55up my feelings. Want me to spill it to these plebs? Yes give me a good sob story. Ugh this
09:01is so beneath me.
09:05I had an awful dog named Buddy. Okay not a great start. Here's the sad part. My mom got sick.
09:12Great we're getting somewhere. Okay let me write this down. And I don't know how but Buddy
09:17sensed that I needed him and he turned into the sweetest guy. And on the morning my mom died. Buddy
09:26wouldn't leave my side. He knew my pain. Animals are amazing. Growing up my bird always knew when I was
09:37high. Every time.
09:41He was the best. Sometimes when I'm in the field and I see a dog that looks like Buddy. It
09:47reminds me of how
09:48great animals are to us. And I want to try my best for them. Unless the Buddy lookalike is rapid
09:57and then
09:57of course I keep my distance. I don't think I've ever heard you talk like an actual person before.
10:04Please do not tell anyone what has transpired here. I'm going to tell everyone.
10:16Frank? Frank are you hoping? I need you man.
10:22What is it? Hey man me and Emily had a fight and I just
10:27I need a bro to lean on right now. Oh wait. What happened? Is Emily okay?
10:31She's fine. I'm distraught. I'm sorry. Do you mind? I think the boys need the room.
10:37Okay.
10:42I will text you the speech.
10:47Oh love.
10:51Emily! Take off your sleep apnea mask and turn off your rain forest soundscape. I need to sleep.
10:56And I want to make sure you're okay. Do you mind shutting the hell up?
11:02Uh yeah I do mind actually because I have nowhere to go and nobody wants to have seats with me
11:06which
11:07never happens so.
11:15Fine you can bunk with me. Yes.
11:17But I'm a very active sleeper so don't crowd me or you might get punched.
11:38Hi. Are you okay?
11:40Hi. Uh what are you guys doing here?
11:43Let's go to the swimming pool. Hi kids. I miss you so much. Oh my god you'll love this place.
11:48You have to come. I mean I'm telling you the only thing that's good about my life is my family.
11:52Guys, daddy, uh, I had a lot to drink last night. Can you just...
11:57Thank you Raquel St. James and Lieutenant Peaches. Uh I'd also like to ask everyone else please act
12:02respectfully to the nominees. It takes a lot of courage to get up here.
12:07Stop saying moose. It sounds like you're booing.
12:10Let's keep this a cootie train moving, huh? With our next nominee, Templeton Dutch, who has asked me to
12:16issue a strobe light warning to pregnant women and the weak.
12:21Attention. You might learn something.
12:24Cue the fog.
12:30I never meant to be so bad too.
12:34Daisy, cut the fog.
12:37I had a feast for the eyes plan, but tonight's about the animals. So I want to speak from the
12:42heart.
12:44Growing up, I had an awful dog named Buddy. Then my mom got sick.
12:48No. Cue the strings.
12:52What the hell's happening?
12:54I don't...
12:55And it's like he knew that I needed him. He turned into the sweetest guy.
13:01And when my mom died, he... he never left my side that day.
13:06First, he steals my bear rescue. Then he steals my desk. And now he steals my dead mom.
13:11Sometimes when I'm in a field and I see a dog that looks like Buddy,
13:13I'm reminded of all the great things that animals do for us. So I try to do my best for
13:18them.
13:25That's my slob.
13:26You fed you my slob.
13:29How did he get my slob?
13:30Daisy must have stolen it off my phone.
13:33I sure did. I put that sleeping mug up to the face ID. Two, three, four, live.
13:41Our final nominee, Frank Show.
13:45I was supposed to follow that. That was great. It's the following myself.
13:51Yeah!
14:13This is like watching an old man get confused at the post office.
14:16We're screwed.
14:17Seriously, just give me the award.
14:19He's got money.
14:20He's got money.
14:22He's got money.
14:24Frank, this is not the time.
14:27Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
14:28I was joking when I see Tangle.
14:30No, no, no, no, no.
14:30Oh, shit. Oh, God, I can't watch.
14:31Is he getting naked?
14:33Oh, there it is.
14:39This guy's jacked!
14:57And the animal control officer of the year is...
15:00Oh, God.
15:01Oh, God.
15:04Frank Shaw!
15:05Yeah!
15:14Once again, the hedonistic spirit of William has spoken.
15:18Officer Shaw.
15:23Thank you, Pacific Northwest!
15:28Give us love.
15:29A few more bounces?
15:33Cheers!
15:35Cheers!
15:42Hi.
15:43Hi.
15:44So, I didn't hear my name in your acceptance speech, which is crazy because I'm basically
15:48where you won.
15:48My dedication to the pro team is why I won, but thank you.
15:52I think I saw the Portland team walking each other on leashes.
15:56Tracks with people from Oregon.
15:57This thing gets messier every year.
16:00Yeah, things happen here that maybe wouldn't happen at home.
16:07Did you find a place to crash tonight?
16:09Table 12 gave me some mollies,
16:11so I think I'm just gonna dance until I pick up time tomorrow.
16:23Hey, you got my text.
16:26I was worried you weren't gonna come.
16:29Hotel rooms are off limits, but tiny little photo booths are okay.
16:34I'm sorry, that was, I didn't mean to, that sounded bad.
16:37No, no, no, I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and I'm really sorry.
16:44Because the truth is, you are just, in every way, completely, definitely worth the risk.
16:53So I'm gonna call my boss first thing on Monday.
16:55Wait, really?
16:57Yeah, because I, well, I love you, and I just wanna be with you.
17:05I love you too.
17:07You sure you wanna do this?
17:08Yeah.
17:15Okay, okay, let's just stagger our entrances to be safe,
17:18because we're so close, so let's not mess up now.
17:20Home stretch.
17:21Okay.
17:21Monday.
17:23Okay.
17:27I'll be good for my passport photo.
17:29Pardon me, folks.
17:31Good to see you.
17:32Good to see you.
17:35Good to see you.
17:36Look at that!
17:43This is bad.
17:45This is really bad.
17:47I heard they're serving sherbet in a few minutes.
17:50It's okay.
17:53Something bad happened.
17:57Oh, my God.
17:59How fast can we turn that into a poster?
18:02Business center's open 24-7.
18:05Fine, fine, fine, fine.
18:07Kids are finally asleep.
18:08Who's ready to party?
18:11What?
18:13Oh, my God.
18:14Oh, God, it's waiting.
18:15I'm getting tired.
18:16Oh, my God, this is it.
18:17I have to do something.
18:20Oh, my God.
18:20I'm gonna save you.
18:21Oh, my God.
18:24You are tired!
18:26Come on!
18:27This way!
18:27This way!
18:28This way!
18:28This way!
18:29Oh, God, I knew where this was.
18:31It's okay.
18:36All right, save me.
18:47Feels right.
18:48Mm-hmm.
18:48Hey.
18:50Congrats again, Frank.
18:51And I don't say it enough, but you're my hero, man.
18:54You say it all the time.
18:55Yeah.
18:56Now, ditch that wobbly hall table and reclaim your desk.
18:59Really?
19:01In fact, all shall return to their proper desks now that I've vanquished the pale, muscularly
19:07acts of feet beast.
19:08Normalcy is returned.
19:11Thank God.
19:12The napping was no good under this desk.
19:16Hey, um, can I have everyone's attention?
19:19I have a little announcement.
19:21Um, due to my relations with Shred, um, yeah, I've been suspended, um, pending an investigation.
19:29What?
19:30Wait, I consented.
19:31It's okay.
19:32I consented to the whole thing.
19:33Yeah, um, this means there will be an interim supervisor filling my position until, um, yeah, further notice.
19:40Who's taking over?
19:41Uh, yeah.
19:42It's, um...
19:44Thanks.
19:55I guess I did die in that dachshund parade.
19:58I'm in hell.
19:59And I'm still your god.
20:00Will you be the devil?
20:01Will I be your boss?
20:04The boss!
20:10The meetings won't be the same without you.
20:12He's already threatening to ban meeting snacks.
20:14Come on.
20:14It's not goodbye, guys.
20:16It's see you later.
20:17Pending a thorough investigation, an ethics board review, and reinstatement confirmation
20:21from the mayor's office.
20:22I just hope they don't subpoena our texts.
20:24I sent you that Jessica Rabbit gift on your birthday.
20:27I can't...
20:27You're gonna be fine.
20:28And in the meantime, we'll make Templeton's life as hellish as possible.
20:32I've already started.
20:34Daisy, grab me a tire jack!
20:36The flat!
20:37Again!
20:38Wait, is this what it's like to not be the boss?
20:40I kinda like it.
20:41Can I throw something?
20:43I'd be disappointed if you didn't.
20:46Okay.
20:52I've never respected you more.
20:54Come on.
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