- 4 days ago
7 Days NZ Season 18 Episode 14 - Thursday May 21
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00:20Well, God may have made the universe in seven days,
00:22but they only did that once, didn't he?
00:24We do this every week, so who's more impressive, really, eh?
00:26If you're looking to laugh, you're in the right place.
00:28If you're looking for love, you're also in the right place,
00:30as long as what you love is laughing about the news.
00:33This is Seven Days. Let's meet the teams.
00:35Leader of Team One hails from the Taranaki.
00:38You've heard of Nacki Hard. Let me introduce you to Nackisoft.
00:40It's Ben Hurley.
00:43.
00:46We've got a great team on Team One tonight.
00:49He's a Brit who's moved to Australia,
00:51and she's a comedian who's good with kids,
00:53so Team One's kind of like a reverse Rolf Harris.
00:57Please welcome Carl Tomlin and Emma Holland.
01:02Over to Team Two.
01:03The leader of Team Two was born in New Zealand
01:05and now applies her trade in Australia,
01:06the true Russell Crowe of comedy.
01:08It's Mel Braceville.
01:12It's so good to be here, Corbett.
01:13Actually, in fact, my entire team lives in Melbourne
01:16and we've come here to take your jobs and your women.
01:18All right.
01:19Johanna Cosgrove and Nazeem Yusay.
01:21OK, first off, tonight I've come through
01:26the biggest news stories of the week
01:27and miraculously found a couple
01:28that aren't too depressing to joke about.
01:30It's Newsmakers.
01:32Teams, I'm going to give you an answer related to a story.
01:34You try and give me the question to match,
01:35work that story out.
01:36Team One, you can begin.
01:38Here is your answer.
01:39Top Secret.
01:40Yusay, what do I say to my wife
01:42when she asks why I'm so long in the shower?
01:46This is what I say to bitches
01:48when they ask where I got my shirt from.
01:52Corbett's family started getting suspicious
01:54when he referred to them as his what family.
01:59All right, story, any ideas?
02:01How would we know it's a secret, Jeremy?
02:03Correct, correct.
02:04Um, people are, um...
02:07Did you whisper it in his ear?
02:09Yeah.
02:12I love you.
02:15Correct.
02:19Question is, what sort of files will you get to read
02:21if you become a spy?
02:23Our Security Intelligence Service, the NZSIS,
02:26has put out a call for anyone looking
02:27to become an intelligence case officer or spy.
02:31Successful applicants will receive a licence to kill,
02:33but for the first year, they'll be on their restricted licence
02:35and only allowed to kill between 6am and 10pm.
02:38And then only went accompanied by a fully-licensed killer.
02:41Yeah, nothing says top secret
02:43like advertising on their website.
02:45That's right.
02:46The thing is, it's difficult to be a New Zealand spy,
02:49and you guys might not know this, not being from here,
02:51but you can flush out New Zealanders
02:52wherever they are in the world,
02:54and I'm going to get the audience to help me with this.
02:57Watch this.
02:58Tu te de mai na iwi.
03:00Oh, yeah!
03:03That's all you have to do.
03:04It's like ziggy, ziggy, ziggy, but with real words.
03:07What is that?
03:08You mean Aussie, Aussie, Aussie?
03:10Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, yeah.
03:11Ziggy, ziggy, ziggy!
03:13Sorry.
03:14Ziggy, ziggy, ziggy!
03:15Ziggy, ziggy, ziggy!
03:17What the hell is Ziggy, ziggy, ziggy?
03:21I grew up in a different time.
03:24You live in Zigstralia, don't you?
03:26Yeah, really, really want to make me Ziggy, ziggy, ziggy.
03:30Where the hell did that come?
03:31Maybe that's how I learnt it originally.
03:33I don't know, that's weird.
03:34Do you know what's crazy?
03:35It's that my dad genuinely used to work for the SIS
03:39and I think it really speaks to the culture of the place
03:41that I'm happy to reveal that on national television.
03:44Yeah, yeah.
03:45Is he in active service at the moment?
03:46No.
03:47OK.
03:48OK.
03:50It's quite a good ad.
03:52It kind of says, you know, what they need,
03:54what the requirements are for a spy, you know,
03:56good with people, able to keep a secret,
03:58even talks about how to have the conversations with your family
04:00where you say, I can't talk about my work.
04:03Salary, $87,000 to $92,000.
04:05Oh, bad starting say.
04:06Oh, my God.
04:06Plus perks.
04:06How about you pay your servants?
04:08Yeah, that's up there.
04:09Plus allowance and benefits.
04:11So, yeah, it's a pretty good job.
04:12I would love to do a job like this because I love gossip.
04:15I'd be like, oh, my God, you can't believe
04:16that Russia said about China.
04:19I'd only go through the application process
04:21if it involved actual Willy Apiata abducting me,
04:25hog-taying me and just giving me a light little flog
04:28and I'm like, no, Willy, don't.
04:30Don't go over there.
04:32I'd be a terrible spy.
04:33When I was younger, my neighbours caught me
04:34peeping through their window almost every time.
04:38It's too much noise, eh, Russell, Russell, Russell.
04:40Oi, oi, oi, gal.
04:46Anyway, if you do want to become a spy, just say,
04:48I want to join the NZSIS anywhere near
04:51any of the smart appliances in your house.
04:53And that's...
04:54They'll get back to you.
04:55Team two.
04:55Are you ready for an answer from the last seven days of news?
04:58Here we go.
04:59263 million litres.
05:01At what point does the landlord sort of admit
05:03that there's been a leak?
05:09At Corbett's latest birthday party,
05:12how many litres of baby oil did he order?
05:16I was there.
05:18He was one of the...
05:19I sort of slipped out the...
05:20That's right.
05:22Is it, um...
05:23What's the size of the drink bottles of the girls at my gym?
05:26Yeah.
05:30Litres.
05:31It must be something fuel-related.
05:33Is that just, like, how much fuel we've got left?
05:36Is that the amount of liquid?
05:37That's a good guess.
05:39It's, um, wrong.
05:41Um...
05:42No, the question is,
05:42how much surplus wine does Australia currently have?
05:45And it's mostly red wine.
05:47So much that they've got,
05:48they're considering converting it into biofuel.
05:51And I find my car runs great on red wine for about an hour.
05:55Then I have to pull over and let her have a cry about the divorce.
05:59So, yeah, that's their solution.
06:01Convert it to fuel.
06:02Oh, that's amazing.
06:04I mean, interesting fact,
06:04if you give old vintage cars red wine,
06:07it starts becoming racist and honking at Mitsubishis.
06:11Too many of you!
06:13It's amazing.
06:14Does that mean when you go to the service station,
06:16they just put, like, a little bit in and go,
06:17do you want the bottle?
06:19That's right.
06:20That's their taste.
06:21It's going to be, when you pull up to the pump,
06:23will you have to make a selection?
06:24Do you want the 91 or the 98?
06:27Which was the better year?
06:31It's not just cars that do this, though, I think,
06:34because I find lime scooters only work
06:36when you've had about 15 beers.
06:38Have you ever done a,
06:39got on one of the scooters and they make you do a drunk test
06:42if it's after a certain time?
06:43Yeah.
06:44Have you ever done this?
06:44I think they've just attached it to yours specifically.
06:48Is it Carl?
06:49It's a react, they make you test your reaction.
06:51Really?
06:52Yeah.
06:52It's f***ing easy.
06:53But it's like, I find a bit like...
06:55I'll be hammered up past that.
06:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:58I find, like, it's a bit like when you play pool
06:59and you have, like, five pints
07:00and you become the most amazing pool player ever.
07:02I was just nailing the test.
07:04I was going around just getting different lime scooters.
07:06All right, that wraps up, Newsmakers.
07:10For scores, Team 1, you can have 4,059.
07:13That is dollars a man was charged for parking
07:15at Auckland Airport for 15 minutes.
07:18Over $4,000.
07:19Turned out to be an error.
07:20Go figure.
07:20And he only had to pay $12.50.
07:23Which I also think is quite expensive for 15 minutes.
07:25Two minutes.
07:26All right, Team 2, you can have 8,000.
07:27That's the estimated number of Warriors fans
07:29that made the pilgrimage to Suncorp Stadium
07:31for the NRL Magic Round.
07:33See the wires beat the hometown Broncos.
07:3442-12.
07:35Great result.
07:36AK beats four.
07:36First star of the night goes to Team 2.
07:43I can hear you in there.
07:45Why the Stars call me?
07:46What's going on with the Stars call?
07:47What's the story of the Stars call me?
07:48Call me the Stars.
07:49The whispers going around New Zealand right now.
07:51Well, at the end of the episode,
07:52one of the teams will win the ultimate prize,
07:54a priceless collectible based on current events.
07:57Boy, do we have a great one this week.
07:58Take a look.
07:59That there is a genuine starter kit for the aspiring Kiwi spy.
08:03Complete with a jandle phone,
08:05coffee news with barely noticeable spy holes,
08:08and the latest in Kiwi surveillance drone technology.
08:12Yes, enjoy that.
08:13The name's Bond.
08:14Trevor Bond.
08:15All right.
08:16Time now on seven days for Guess Who?
08:18Very different from the board game Guess Who?
08:20Because our person has done something newsworthy,
08:22unlike those losers, Bernard and Tom.
08:25We're going to bring them out with a bag on the head
08:27and see if our panellists can work out who they are
08:29and what the story is.
08:30Please welcome our guest.
08:30Two guests.
08:33Now, I'll get behind you.
08:36I'll guide you in.
08:37Three, two, one.
08:39That's great.
08:39All right, guests.
08:42You can only say yes or no.
08:44You can only ask yes or no questions.
08:46Get a yes.
08:46Stays with you.
08:47Get a no.
08:48Goes to the other team.
08:48Team one, you can stay.
08:50Okay, cool.
08:51Based on the disguise,
08:52I think it might be a New Zealand spy.
08:55Is the reason you're wearing the mask
08:57because you have Hunter virus?
08:59No.
09:00It's a no.
09:01It's actually really good news.
09:03Is the bag a clue, you know?
09:05Like, maybe his name is Mark,
09:08first name, question.
09:11It could be a metaphor or, like, a concept.
09:14Like, the concept of question.
09:15Life is a big question.
09:17Like, it could be life.
09:18You're really going down the long cul-de-sac here.
09:21Let's try narrow it down.
09:24Are you known before this news story?
09:28Yes.
09:29Ooh.
09:30So, but he's not known to, like, who?
09:32To the public or to his family or to his parole officer?
09:35Okay, you're getting really philosophical.
09:36And I love that.
09:38Thank you, thank you.
09:39Um, I don't know anybody in New Zealand,
09:41so, apart from Corbett...
09:43Are you Corbett?
09:45No, that's a no for silly Mel.
09:47I mean, there's other Corbett's.
09:49That's true.
09:50I don't know the one Corbett you keep mentioning.
09:53Oh, that's him.
09:54This guy?
09:55Is that your surname?
09:56No.
09:56So, he's only met by first name,
09:58so that's, uh, that's why.
09:59Is that genuinely true?
10:00No, I didn't know your surname.
10:02We introduce each other on first names.
10:05Yeah.
10:05Weirdly, though,
10:06he has three middle names,
10:07and they're all the same.
10:14Okay, look, come on,
10:15guess two guesses, suffocating.
10:17Are you a sports person?
10:18Are you a sports person?
10:19Yes.
10:20Okay, sports person.
10:21Um, do you play a team sport?
10:23No.
10:24Ah!
10:26Okay, do you play an individual sport?
10:28Yes.
10:28Yes, okay.
10:30You're on the board.
10:31If you think about it,
10:33like, life is a sport.
10:38Can we see your hands?
10:41I don't really know
10:42what this is going to give us,
10:42but I thought you guys
10:43might be able to deduce
10:44the sport from the hands.
10:46Yeah, I can just see he's married.
10:48He's married?
10:49No.
10:51Are you single?
10:53No.
10:53No, that's a no, T.
10:54It's got nothing to do with the show,
10:55she just wanted her to know.
10:57And that's true.
10:58Um, maybe, like,
10:59isn't it an Olympic sport or something?
11:01Um...
11:01Oh, Commonwealth Games.
11:02Oh, Commonwealth Games.
11:04Okay, is your sport
11:05in the Commonwealth Games?
11:06No.
11:06Oh, you should have gone
11:08with the first idea, though.
11:10Are you a skier?
11:11No.
11:12No.
11:13Summer Olympics?
11:14Yes.
11:15Okay.
11:15Yes.
11:16That's good.
11:17Do you reckon?
11:18I reckon...
11:19So it's in the Olympics,
11:20but not the Commonwealth Games,
11:21so it'll be a good sport.
11:25Yeah, but breakdancing was once,
11:27but I don't think it is again.
11:28Skateboarding's a good one.
11:29Um...
11:29It's not going to be basketball, is it?
11:31LAUGHTER
11:35What's, uh...
11:36It's like water skateboarding.
11:38I believe it's called surfing.
11:40Is it?
11:42Are you a surfer?
11:43Yes.
11:44Oh!
11:44Are you a surfer probably from Raglan?
11:48Yes!
11:49It is, Billy Sermon!
11:52Thank you for coming on, Billy.
11:56Preach from your wild card
11:58in the World Surf League,
12:00which is in Raglan.
12:01Is that your debut performance,
12:03World Surf League?
12:04Yep.
12:04I've been trying for about 15 years now,
12:06and it's my first time I've competed
12:07on the championship tour.
12:08In your hometown?
12:10In my hometown,
12:10in front of my friends and family
12:11and the whole country.
12:12And how did it go?
12:14Well, unfortunately, I lost, but, um...
12:16Why'd you ask that, Bill?
12:19No, but I had an awesome time.
12:20Like, it was so much fun.
12:21I, you know,
12:22hopefully inspired the next generation.
12:23Yeah, yeah.
12:24Um, yeah, it was epic.
12:25Are you, like, goofy or regular?
12:28Natural?
12:29Or regular?
12:29Yeah, regular.
12:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:31Yeah, it's different generations.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34What is the competition like
12:36at an event like this?
12:37This is the Premier League,
12:38right?
12:38It's the top?
12:39Yeah, it's the top of the top.
12:40Obviously, I'm surfing against my idols,
12:42pretty much.
12:42The guys I looked up to,
12:44and, um, yeah, it's intense.
12:46There's a lot of pressure
12:47and a lot of eyes on you,
12:48but, um, yeah,
12:49I loved every minute of it.
12:51I feel like I, you know,
12:52um, step it up
12:53when the competition's a little harder.
12:55So, yeah, I had so much fun.
12:56What is Raglan's break?
12:58What's it famous for?
12:59Uh, Manu Bay,
13:00which is a long left-hand point break.
13:01Um, it's new on the tour.
13:03It's new for all the surfers.
13:04They, uh, are going left,
13:05which is, like, unusual for the tour,
13:07so they're all been excited.
13:09And is Raglan loving it?
13:09They're loving it.
13:10The town's booming.
13:11It's so much fun down there.
13:12There's events.
13:13There's all sorts of signings.
13:14Everything.
13:14I saw a story...
13:15It's radical, man.
13:18I saw a story.
13:19Everyone was fizzing about the buses
13:21taking people from Raglan Airport,
13:23which I did.
13:24Airfield, actually.
13:25About 5,000 of them
13:26into Manu Bay
13:27to see those events.
13:29Yeah, I actually heard
13:30it was full capacity, um,
13:31on Sunday.
13:32Six and a half thousand people
13:33catching the bus
13:34from the airfield out
13:35and, uh,
13:36enjoying the show out at Manu Bay.
13:37Are you also good
13:38at crowd surfing?
13:40I am pretty little,
13:42so, yeah,
13:42I can jump on it
13:43from your shoulders.
13:45Does it make a difference
13:45having a crowd?
13:47Because do you really
13:47notice out there?
13:48Um, yeah, for sure.
13:49Obviously, Manu Bay
13:50is kind of like
13:50a natural amphitheatre,
13:51so having the whole hill
13:53and, like, the, you know,
13:54the community was out there
13:55on the hill supporting
13:56and yelling and screaming
13:58and, yeah,
13:59it was kind of like a,
14:00uh, kind of a stadium atmosphere,
14:01I guess.
14:02It was super fun.
14:03What would you rather have,
14:04Olympic gold or WSL title?
14:07Oh, that's a tough question.
14:08Um, uh, you know,
14:10surfing in the Olympics
14:10is a new sport,
14:11so, um, for me,
14:12I think I'd love to have
14:13a world title
14:14on the championship tour,
14:15but, um, yeah,
14:16I've kind of competed
14:17in both now,
14:18so I kind of want gold
14:19in all of it.
14:20You did two Olympics
14:20and even getting
14:21into the Olympics
14:22is quite hard
14:22because they only take one,
14:23don't they have,
14:24uh, one man,
14:25one woman from Oceania?
14:27Yeah, it's difficult
14:27to qualify.
14:28There's a big process
14:29of, like, two or three years
14:30and you have to go
14:31to certain events
14:32and it's real hard
14:32for us to go through
14:33Australasia and beat the Aussies
14:35and, um, yeah,
14:36get the spot to go,
14:38you know, represent New Zealand.
14:39I mean, being born
14:40with that face,
14:41you sort of had no choice
14:42but to become a surfer.
14:43You look like
14:44if I tried to draw
14:45a surfer from memory.
14:48If you Google
14:49surfer stock image,
14:50like, that's what comes up.
14:51You actually look like
14:52Patrick Swayze
14:53in Pointe.
14:54Oh, wow.
14:55Do you not reckon?
14:57Legendary surfer
14:58Billy Stierman,
14:58thank you so much
14:59for coming back.
15:04So good.
15:04So cool.
15:07Well done.
15:08Team One gets a star.
15:09They guessed it correctly.
15:10Well done.
15:13And Team One,
15:14we'll stay with you.
15:15Buckle up for a bucket
15:15of chuckles
15:16because it's the
15:17Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
15:18Tonight we're going to
15:19party like it's 2002.
15:21Team One,
15:21I'm going to play you
15:22a video from
15:22that wonderful year,
15:232002.
15:24You have to tell me
15:24what is going on.
15:25Have a look.
15:31I think Tiger's got the
15:33sniff of a prey
15:34in his nostrils
15:35and we've got a
15:36prowling Tiger
15:36on the back nine.
15:38It's some pretty good
15:39putting because we all
15:40know his driving's
15:41no good.
15:45That was Tiger Woods
15:46playing in the
15:47New Zealand Open
15:47at the Paraparaumu
15:49Beach Golf Club
15:50in January 2002.
15:51I mean,
15:52big deal though.
15:53I played that course.
15:54I've got a score
15:54way higher than him.
15:58Well,
15:58we can have a quick
15:59ad break now.
16:00So let the cat out
16:00and grab a cup
16:01and hurry back
16:01because we've got
16:02a fresh new Kiwi
16:03musician called Star
16:04to sing for you
16:05next on Slice of
16:06Seven season.
16:16Welcome back to
16:17Seven Days.
16:18It is time now
16:19for everyone's
16:19favourite topical
16:20parody song-based
16:21guessing game,
16:22Slice of Seven,
16:23where we convince
16:23a cool, glamorous
16:24musician to slum it
16:25with us comedy dorks.
16:26Joining us tonight,
16:27all the way from
16:28Raglan seems to be
16:29a theme tonight,
16:29doesn't it?
16:30New Zealand's next
16:31biggest star,
16:32Star.
16:36So teams,
16:37if you want a star
16:37of your own,
16:38you need to basically
16:39figure out what
16:40news story Star
16:40is singing about
16:41and team one,
16:42you are first up.
16:43Are you ready?
16:44Radical, Jerry.
16:45Guitar ring is tuned in.
16:46Star, all yours
16:47in your own time.
16:49Kiwi took a dip
16:51in the public shower
16:53Next he's gonna piss
16:55right off the leaning tower
16:57Who the hell's this guy
17:00making us flash through
17:06Ain't his first time
17:08in a Roman liquor store
17:10Not his first big swim
17:13He's done this overfall
17:15Statues are broken
17:17And so is his waterlogged farm
17:20But I know it's so key
17:24We dive in pools
17:29And it's so cool
17:31It's a must
17:33Cause it just
17:39He's been from the Coliseum
17:43And the Waxwork Museum
17:45And the Mediterranean Sea
17:48Cause it's so Kiwi
17:54To monitor the trivia
18:05Right, so lots of clues in there.
18:07I mean, yeah,
18:07they basically told the whole story.
18:09Yeah, essentially, yeah.
18:10I'm gonna be honest,
18:10I didn't listen to a single word.
18:12I was just entranced
18:12by the boys.
18:13Yeah.
18:14Now, um,
18:15Carl, you're an Englishman,
18:16so could you envisage a world
18:18where somebody
18:18behaved poorly overseas?
18:20I mean...
18:23I mean, I've heard about this, yeah.
18:25I think I was just happy
18:26to see it be someone
18:27not an Englishman
18:27Yeah.
18:29Ruining a European city.
18:31I'm gonna guess.
18:31Is that all right?
18:32Oh, yeah.
18:32Yeah.
18:33Okay, so, Jeremy,
18:35a New Zealander jumped
18:36in the Trevi Fountain,
18:38which is in Rome,
18:39cause he was a bit pissed up.
18:41And his name was
18:43frickin' legend.
18:48Well, being a Kiwi tourist
18:50has sparked outrage in Rome
18:51by diving into the famed
18:53Trevi Fountain.
18:54And it turns out
18:55he may have done this
18:56up to three previous times,
18:57in spite of being fined each time,
18:58this time 500 euros.
19:01The Trevi Fountain
19:02bit of history
19:02was built by famous
19:03Italian architect
19:04Giuseppe Panini.
19:05And he would have been
19:06the most famous member
19:07of his family
19:08if it wasn't for his brother,
19:09chicken and cranberry.
19:13New facts,
19:14were you there?
19:14Bit of education, yeah.
19:16Worldwide news,
19:17do we have the video
19:18of the worldwide news?
19:19I'm not sure if we have this.
19:30It was a movie.
19:31They're absolutely like...
19:40If it had been a manu,
19:41yes, I'd be upstanding,
19:42but it's just a shallow dive.
19:44It's where you chuck coins in,
19:45isn't it?
19:45Yes.
19:46Maybe he was just trying
19:47to embody the phrase
19:48be the change you want
19:49to see in the world.
19:51I don't know what the big deal is.
19:53It is clearly a remake
19:54from the one that's in Vegas.
19:56Yeah, that's right.
19:57Just copied it.
19:59But doesn't Trevi Fountain
20:00just sound like a guy
20:01from Hamilton?
20:02Yeah, it does.
20:04You all know Trevi Fountain.
20:06He's that guy
20:06that won Lotto, right?
20:07Two years ago,
20:08Trevi Fountain.
20:09We're all shitting on him,
20:10but God forbid
20:11a freaking backpacker
20:12wants to have a shower,
20:13you know?
20:15Yeah, it's not about
20:16the Italians to get
20:17emotional and upset
20:18about stuff.
20:20Don't ask doing
20:21dumb shit like this.
20:22Don't make your slogan
20:22win in Rome.
20:27All right,
20:27are you ready
20:28for another song start?
20:29Who's joining you
20:30on guitar there?
20:31This is Josh.
20:32Josh.
20:32Give it up for Josh.
20:35This is my favourite game
20:37for New Zealand bands,
20:38dating or sibling.
20:40What is the situation?
20:42Neither.
20:42Just friend.
20:43Both.
20:44Whoa.
20:44Or both.
20:45I mean,
20:45I don't know much
20:46about Raglan.
20:47How exciting was I
20:48seeing Billy?
20:49Raglan's ruling
20:49the show tonight.
20:50Great stuff.
20:51All right, team two,
20:52are you ready
20:52for a song from Start?
20:53Okay.
20:54Start and Josh,
20:55are you ready?
20:56All right,
20:57take it away.
20:59You're the winner
21:00for your dinner.
21:04Aussies claim it,
21:06but they didn't do it first.
21:10Made of meaty goo,
21:12stolen barbecue.
21:15If those dudes.
21:20Boy, they're gonna be annoyed
21:24stealing our seven lois.
21:27But now we all lost a sizzle
21:30in our bonnings.
21:34They've lost their source
21:36of fun things.
21:39You're nowhere for the onions
21:45For a sizzle, it's ours
21:49It's ours, it's ours, it's ours
21:53Oh, good.
21:54Yeah!
21:56Oh, good.
21:58Oh, my God.
22:00I love you guys.
22:01You're so cold!
22:03Okay, I heard a few things in this.
22:05I heard sausages, onions.
22:07I heard onions.
22:09That's all I like.
22:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:11There's ours.
22:13Savaloys.
22:14Savaloys.
22:15Is there some sort of
22:16sausage news going on?
22:17It's what I've been Googling.
22:18I think it's right.
22:20Okay, what I think this is,
22:22I think I saw something about this,
22:23that Australians and New Zealanders
22:25are fighting over the sausage sizzle
22:27of who invented it first.
22:29Correct, except Australia
22:30probably doesn't even know
22:31there's a fight on.
22:33New important research
22:35has discovered earth-shattering proof
22:36that, in fact, New Zealand
22:37and not Australia
22:38invented the humble sausage sizzle.
22:40Although, to be fair to Australia,
22:42they don't just take our good stuff,
22:44they also take our shit stuff.
22:45Isn't that right now?
22:46Okay, okay.
22:52Now, when apparently
22:54did you guys come up with this?
22:55Oh, 1939, apparently.
22:58Oh, was there anything else
22:59going on at that time?
23:02This is why it wasn't a headline.
23:03It got buried.
23:04Don't have to teach this
23:05in school now,
23:06New Zealand history.
23:07Ernest Rutherford,
23:08splitting the atom,
23:091917, 1939.
23:10Beryl goes,
23:11I reckon it would fit
23:12if you put it in the bread diagonally.
23:14You know?
23:16They'll probably find out
23:17that Australia invented
23:18the idea of putting onions
23:19in the rest of it on cover.
23:22Oh, by the way,
23:22sausage sizzle,
23:23sort your onions out.
23:25Yes.
23:25You've got to wait
23:26for onions all the time.
23:27Onions take a long time.
23:28You need to get there
23:29an hour before
23:31stockpile your onions.
23:32Yeah.
23:32Okay?
23:33This is the number one
23:34election issue this year.
23:37No, I've run a sausage sizzle
23:39and we got into that situation.
23:40Yeah, the onions,
23:41you can get behind on them.
23:42We were giving people
23:43like just one little ring
23:44on their...
23:45One little ring on their sausage.
23:47You put the sausage
23:48through the ring.
23:49That's right, yeah.
23:50And then a little
23:51Corbett wink.
23:52Yeah.
23:54You're English as well,
23:56so you've never been
23:57to a hardware store,
23:57have you?
23:59Um...
24:00No, we have our servants.
24:01Yeah, yeah.
24:03Yeah, no, I've never been
24:04to a Bunnings,
24:05I don't think.
24:06Oh, it's...
24:07Oh, honestly, mate.
24:08And we don't give out
24:09free sausages outside shops
24:10in the UK.
24:11They're certainly not free.
24:12They're not free.
24:12They're not free.
24:13$2.50, mate.
24:15They've doubled in price
24:16in my lifetime.
24:16How are we going to get
24:17the under-17s to Japan
24:18if they're free, mate?
24:23All right, uh...
24:25For points,
24:25Team 1, you're going to have 82.
24:26That's the number of points
24:27Arsenal scored
24:28on the English Premier League ladder
24:30to secure their first
24:31Football League win
24:32in 22 years.
24:34Go the Gunners.
24:35Great stuff, yeah.
24:36T2, you just get two.
24:37But it's a great two.
24:38It's the amount of time
24:39Shea Fu has been inducted
24:40into the New Zealand
24:41Music Hall of Fame.
24:432026 inductee
24:43as a solo artist
24:44and, of course,
24:45way back in 2014
24:46as a member of Super Groove.
24:47Great stuff, Shea Fu.
24:49But it does mean
24:49Team 1 gets the star.
24:50Give them a round of applause.
24:53Thank you, Star.
24:55And a huge thank you
24:56to Star,
24:56whose debut single
24:57When You Were Around
24:58is out and about
24:59on all the major streaming platforms.
25:00Go check it out.
25:01Give it up for Star.
25:07Thank you, Star.
25:08Thank you, Josh.
25:09Team 2,
25:09it is time for you
25:10to turn your...
25:12Is that your alarm?
25:13That is my alarm, yeah.
25:14Oh, my God.
25:14You have to take your pills.
25:24I've told you this story before
25:25but the worst time
25:26that happened
25:26because I silenced my phone.
25:28You're talking to the stories
25:28over and over.
25:29I do, I do.
25:30But when you turn your phone
25:31into silent,
25:32it doesn't stop alarms
25:33for some reason.
25:34My alarm went off
25:35as we were lowering
25:36my father into the ground
25:37at his funeral.
25:38Yeah.
25:39Shhh.
25:40You just got to go,
25:41yep, right on schedule.
25:42That's pretty much it.
25:44My brother said,
25:45what's the alarm say?
25:46I said, bury Dad.
25:50Anyway.
25:51Team 2,
25:52it is time
25:53for you to turn your brains
25:54back to 2002
25:56for a damn good grilling
25:57in our second round
25:58of the Burger Fueled Brain Grill.
26:00Avril Lavigne's Complicated
26:01was climbing the charts back then.
26:02Low-rise jeans were all the rage.
26:03Also, whatever was going on
26:05here was happening.
26:06What is it, Team 2?
26:07Oh, I can see,
26:09I can see their fullback.
26:12Oh, the new cheerleader's uniform
26:14is really revealing.
26:16Well, once again,
26:17Vodafone has insufficient coverage.
26:25I don't have,
26:26I mean,
26:27this is more of an observation,
26:28but the guy on the left,
26:29why is he taking out
26:30his mouth guard?
26:35That is Tom Willis
26:36and Justin Marshall
26:37looking on
26:38at one of two streakers
26:39who invaded the field
26:39during the Tri-Nation's
26:40Bledisloe Cup rugby match
26:42at Stadium Australia.
26:44Well, we can have
26:44a quick ad break now,
26:45so take some time
26:46to slip, slop, slap,
26:47because when we come back,
26:48we're heading to
26:48Club Topicana
26:49on 7 Days.
27:01Welcome back to 7 Days.
27:03I'm straining on my leash
27:04because I'm so keen
27:05to chase the seagulls.
27:06We must be at the beach.
27:07It's Club Topicana.
27:08Hit me with the steel drums.
27:20Yes, indeed.
27:21Club Topicana
27:21is brought to you
27:22by Dole Pineapples.
27:23If you like pina coladas
27:24but not a huge fan
27:26of the rum or coconut aspect,
27:27then boy,
27:27do I have the fruit for you.
27:28Yes.
27:29It's Nature's Hand Grenade
27:30and this one's packed
27:31with deadly news
27:32just waiting to go off,
27:33comedians.
27:34Let's see what we have.
27:35All right.
27:36OK, yes,
27:37some Americans
27:38are getting very upset
27:39with us.
27:39Movies set in the Old West
27:41like the recent East of Eden
27:42are being shot in New Zealand
27:44and not the USA.
27:45They're not happy.
27:46I guess I understand
27:47a couple of punga stumps
27:48isn't exactly the Wild West.
27:50On that theme,
27:51I'd like to see
27:51some unlikely scenes
27:53from a Western, please.
27:57Looks like we got
27:58a Mexican standoff, gentlemen.
28:00I'll start.
28:03LAUGHTER
28:09All right, boys,
28:10cover your faces.
28:11It's time to rob this
28:14rail replacement bus.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:21There's town ain't
28:22begging us for the two of us.
28:24Maybe we should subdivide,
28:25throw up some townhouses.
28:26What do you reckon?
28:27LAUGHTER
28:30Yeah, so just checking,
28:31so we get on the horse
28:33and then we've got to
28:33hold onto the horse
28:35for as long as we can
28:36and then if we fall off,
28:38that's our time, right?
28:40Yeah, sorry,
28:41this is actually
28:42my first radio.
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45LAUGHTER
28:50Sure, I ain't seen you
28:52around here before.
28:53I know, I'm here on me holidays.
28:56LAUGHTER
28:57LAUGHTER
28:59LAUGHTER
28:59That's so simple,
29:00sorry.
29:01I see there's gold
29:03in them thar hills.
29:04And yes, I did use
29:06their preferred pronouns.
29:09LAUGHTER
29:10Them thar.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:15LAUGHTER
29:16Are you looking at me?
29:18No?
29:19My mistake.
29:21LAUGHTER
29:22LAUGHTER
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25They say she rolled
29:27backwards into town
29:29on a cow.
29:29They called her
29:31the reverse cowgirl.
29:34LAUGHTER
29:38Well done.
29:39We move on from our pineapple.
29:41Our next story,
29:42an attempted robbery
29:42at the Boat Rower's Hotel
29:43in Newcastle,
29:44New South Wales,
29:45last year.
29:46Spectacularly backfired
29:47when patrons confronted
29:48the armed thief,
29:49throwing bar stools at him
29:50and eventually restraining him.
29:52He's just been sentenced
29:54to time in prison,
29:54that's why it's a current story.
29:56Give me some more examples,
29:57please,
29:57of the world's worst robbers.
30:00Is that all the money
30:01in the bag?
30:01That's all the money
30:02in the bag?
30:03Great, I'd like to open
30:04an account.
30:05LAUGHTER
30:07LAUGHTER
30:10LAUGHTER
30:10LAUGHTER
30:10Stick them down!
30:11Oh, shit, it's my first time.
30:13Sorry.
30:14LAUGHTER
30:17LAUGHTER
30:18This is a bank robbery.
30:19I'm going to need
30:19all your sperm right now.
30:22LAUGHTER
30:24LAUGHTER
30:24LAUGHTER
30:26LAUGHTER
30:26LAUGHTER
30:26LAUGHTER
30:28LAUGHTER
30:29LAUGHTER
30:29And through it,
30:30oh, she offers me protection.
30:35La-da-la...
30:36Oh, I thought she had Robbie's.
30:39LAUGHTER
30:41LAUGHTER
30:41You're actually a pretty good Robbie,
30:44so...
30:44LAUGHTER
30:47LAUGHTER
30:48We're going to take from the poor
30:49and give to the rich.
30:50Kia ora, I'm Christopher Luxor.
30:52LAUGHTER
30:56And on that note...
30:58Back to the...
30:59He moves on now
30:59and his mate got f***ing...
31:01LAUGHTER
31:03LAUGHTER
31:04LAUGHTER
31:05LAUGHTER
31:06OK, this is an unusual one.
31:08Our production coordinator
31:09here on Seven Days
31:10was dumped this week
31:12by her boyfriend
31:12via WhatsApp.
31:14Boo.
31:15Boo.
31:15Boo.
31:16I'd like to see more
31:16terrible ways to break up, please.
31:20LAUGHTER
31:22Why did you have to do it
31:23with a flash mob?
31:25LAUGHTER
31:26LAUGHTER
31:27LAUGHTER
31:31LAUGHTER
31:32LAUGHTER
31:32LAUGHTER
31:32Yeah, no, there is quite a lot
31:33of mushrooms in the Beef Wellington.
31:35LAUGHTER
31:37LAUGHTER
31:38Did that reach here?
31:40LAUGHTER
31:43LAUGHTER
31:44LAUGHTER
31:44All right, here's your half of the dog.
31:47LAUGHTER
31:53I, um, I've got you something, um, really special.
31:59Um...
32:00One of those.
32:01LAUGHTER
32:03LAUGHTER
32:05LAUGHTER
32:06There you go.
32:06Happy birthday to you.
32:09I'm breaking up with you.
32:12LAUGHTER
32:13LAUGHTER
32:13Oh, actually, I'm on the back of that.
32:17Oh, good stretch.
32:18I'm f***ing your brother.
32:20LAUGHTER
32:22LAUGHTER
32:22LAUGHTER
32:24LAUGHTER
32:25LAUGHTER
32:25OK, my turn, my turn.
32:26OK, this is fun, this is fun.
32:27OK, I have never...
32:28been divorced.
32:30You should probably sip, Diane.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:34LAUGHTER
32:34LAUGHTER
32:34LAUGHTER
32:35LAUGHTER
32:35LAUGHTER
32:36LAUGHTER
32:38I was going to break up with you now,
32:40but I reckon we should just have a baby
32:41and see what happens in five years.
32:43LAUGHTER
32:48Oh, you got me a Valentine's card.
32:50That's so nice.
32:52Roses are red,
32:53violets are blue,
32:54you're dumped...
32:56LAUGHTER
32:59LAUGHTER
33:05Some great suggestions if you are struggling to break up.
33:08Great work all round.
33:09But they are closing the beach.
33:10Sand shortage, apparently.
33:11It's all in my togs.
33:12Play the steel drums!
33:15APPLAUSE
33:24Ah, getting political with the points for this round,
33:26for Top of Canada.
33:27Team one, 9,000.
33:28The number of public servants Nicola Willis
33:30is planning to cut over the next three to five years,
33:33you get 9,000.
33:34Team two, you get four.
33:35David Seymour's Ministry for Regulation,
33:38designed to slash red tape,
33:39is now four times the size of the agency it replaced.
33:43David, talk to Nicola.
33:45The star for Top of Canada goes team one!
33:48APPLAUSE
33:51It's time for a quick ad break now,
33:53but stick around,
33:53because coming up next is Jeremy's special game.
33:56And it won't be as special without you.
33:59APPLAUSE
34:09Welcome back, one and all, big and small, for seven days.
34:13Jeremy's special game this week is
34:15Come On Feel The News,
34:16where the visual medium of television
34:18becomes a tactile wonderland of imagination and delight.
34:22LAUGHTER
34:22Well, we'll put some stuff in a box.
34:24Teams have to guess what the story is.
34:25Ah, team one.
34:26You're up first.
34:27There are your hand holes.
34:28What news-related objects have we assembled for you?
34:31So you put your hands through the holes,
34:32feel the clues,
34:33and try and work out what the story is.
34:35Way you go.
34:36Get stuck in.
34:38LAUGHTER
34:39I see...
34:39That's a hand.
34:40That's a hand.
34:41Oh, my...
34:45I've got a question.
34:46Yeah.
34:47Shall I put it back in the box,
34:48even though it's a bit...
34:49No!
34:50LAUGHTER
34:55I don't know health and safety in New Zealand.
34:57Yeah, that's...
34:58I do want to...
34:59I do want to say perhaps that wasn't our fault.
35:01LAUGHTER
35:03Are these real eggs?
35:04This hasn't been health and safety yet.
35:06Is this a real egg?
35:06Give it a throw.
35:12No!
35:12Just leave it, mate.
35:14Leave it.
35:15I've found a floor in this game.
35:17That's a real egg.
35:17That's a real egg.
35:18Just chuck everything out.
35:22Go on!
35:22The funny thing is,
35:23I don't think it's helping you.
35:25No, it's not.
35:25What is this?
35:26Can you try and get Joey with the egg?
35:28You won't.
35:29You don't have...
35:29Go, go, go!
35:31Oh!
35:32CHEERING
35:37There's something stuffed and it's covered in egg.
35:40Is it like a chicken?
35:42There's a wheel.
35:42There's a wheel.
35:43There's a wheel.
35:43You can't ask me questions, I can't.
35:45I'll tell you what came first.
35:46Have you got a wheel?
35:46I've got a wheel.
35:47Right, I've got a wheel.
35:48I've got a...
35:48I'm just twiddling with a knob.
35:51Can you feel a knob?
35:53Yeah, I can feel a knob.
35:54My other hand.
35:56If you twiddle with a knob, it makes a noise.
35:59And that's Jeremy's special game.
36:03Was...
36:04So what have you got so far?
36:06Was the glass a test tube?
36:07Is that what that was?
36:08Yes, it was.
36:09We've got a test tube...
36:10It's not about IVF.
36:11There's eggs and test tubes.
36:13And a chicken.
36:14Oh...
36:15Is that actually...
36:16And a knob!
36:17And a knob?
36:18What's significant is the thing you're touching right now
36:20that will help you crack this story?
36:22Like a lawnmower?
36:24People get pregnant when they get their lawns mowed.
36:27Shit!
36:28I've got to go!
36:30I've got to call Jim!
36:36Maybe it's not literally a lawnmower,
36:38that's just a clue if you combine the fluffy thing.
36:41Is it a...
36:42It's a bird of some kind.
36:44Bird mower.
36:45Oh, a mower!
36:45Mower!
36:46They're going to bring back the mower!
36:47They're going to burn it!
36:48Yes!
36:48There it is!
36:49Correct.
36:52Thank God.
36:54That was about the claim from Colossal Biosciences, the company,
36:58that they're one step closer to Frankensteining the mower
37:00back from extinction and direct defiance of God and Jeff Goldblum.
37:04Experts have said resurrecting the mower will be great for tourism,
37:07biodiversity and omelettes.
37:09All right, team two, it is your turn now.
37:11Conduct a thorough digital investigation.
37:13Report back with your findings, please.
37:14That is your box, go for it.
37:16Okay.
37:16Don't knock anything onto the floor.
37:17Wait, I want to...
37:18Oh!
37:21What did I just say?
37:22That's a massive floor.
37:23What's that?
37:24It's wet!
37:24It is wet.
37:25Why is everything so wet?
37:26That's a lettuce.
37:27That's a lettuce.
37:28That's an iceberg lettuce.
37:29Wow!
37:30That's an iceberg lettuce.
37:31It doesn't have the same thickness and resistance as cabbage.
37:37That's lettuce.
37:37And I think this is another toy.
37:39What is this?
37:39I actually think I know this story.
37:41Oh!
37:42But I don't want to give it away yet.
37:43I want you guys to feel around.
37:44Oh, this is chocolate.
37:45Chocolate.
37:46Like Whittaker's.
37:47I think I know what it is.
37:48Chocolate, lettuce.
37:49What have you got there, Mel?
37:51What do you think?
37:51I...
37:51Okay, what I think this is...
37:57That's not the game.
37:59But it is lettuce.
38:00We were right about that.
38:00It is lettuce, yeah.
38:03Good to see you tossing the salad.
38:09Okay.
38:10Okay.
38:11Alright, Mel?
38:11I think this is a story about...
38:15At a Woolworth, someone brought home some lettuce
38:18and there was a frog, a live frog, in the bag of lettuce.
38:23What?
38:23Boom!
38:23She's done it.
38:24Round of applause.
38:27That was a frog you knocked on the floor there.
38:29That's about the Australian farmer, Western Australia,
38:32who recently found a live frog in a bag of lettuce
38:34he'd bought from the supermarket.
38:35His flatmates named the frog Greg
38:37before releasing him into a local pond.
38:39In other news, the Australian ecosystem
38:41has been devastated by European lettuce frogs.
38:43So, good story, bad story.
38:46I just want to get the Freddo out.
38:47That's for me.
38:49Well done.
38:50I'm sorry, team one.
38:51Too much throwing.
38:51Took you too long.
38:52Team two gets the star.
38:53Well done.
38:57Come on, feel the news.
38:59A little worrying they didn't find the tarantula
39:01we put in their boxes.
39:02So, fair warning.
39:03Likely escaped and is currently roaming the studio.
39:05Alright, I've got one more burger fuel brain grill
39:07for you at home.
39:08And here it is here.
39:09Check it out.
39:10You can get a longer peek at it up on our socials
39:13where you can enter your own caption
39:14to win some burger fuel of your own.
39:16We're going to take a break.
39:17Find the spider.
39:18Not a euphemism.
39:19We'll see you soon on seven days.
39:32Good times.
39:32Good times.
39:33Welcome back to seven days.
39:35Unfortunately, we didn't find the tarantula, which means it's probably escaped through
39:38the TV screen and is now hiding in your living room.
39:40Let us know if you see her.
39:41Her name is Susan.
39:42Alright.
39:43You know what?
39:44Let's top the evening off with a nice relaxing game of captions.
39:46I'll show our team some of the more bizarre photos from the week and they will take
39:49a stab at guessing the caption.
39:51Team one, you are up first.
39:52Caption this picture, please.
39:54Is it new world record set for most Eastern European photo ever?
40:02I know they've got a lot of band members, but Fat Freddy's drop is getting out of control.
40:08Is it guy with massive drum, missus, bring your accordion.
40:15Is this little boy prepares for friendless life?
40:22This is actually a UNESCO World Heritage site.
40:25It's a great wall of virgins.
40:31Is it men will do anything to avoid a quiet moment of self-reflection?
40:39Jeremy Corbett's servants prepare to welcome him home.
40:45That is 450 or so accordion players gathering at Lake Bled in Slovenia for a mass performance,
40:50one of the country's most recognisable folk traditions.
40:53Obviously not with our panel.
40:55All right, team one, back to you.
40:57What's this photo all about?
41:01A group of men demonstrate how they would have stopped 9-11.
41:08This is the future version of Jeremy's special game.
41:13Activist Gail Timaru's tallest building.
41:18That is the US Naval Academy freshman, or plebs, climbing the Herndon Monument.
41:23A bit of a tradition.
41:23It's covered in vegetable fat just to make it a bit easier.
41:27Team two, have a look at this photo and give me a caption, please.
41:30Is that the iceberg that sunk the Titanic has been released on parole after 10 years?
41:37Yeah.
41:38It's like Titanic 2, the iceberg's back.
41:41Is that Uber for iceberg?
41:46That is a large iceberg, not surprisingly, grounded in the harbour in Pooch Cove in Newfoundland,
41:50also known as Iceberg Alley.
41:52Well-named.
41:53Team two, your turn now.
41:54Here's your picture.
41:55What is the caption, please?
41:57Is this someone's stepdad trying to make up for missing 67 consecutive birthdays?
42:03Well, whatever floats your boot.
42:08The only way to stop this terrorist attack is some prick.
42:17A disgruntled man gets fired from Look Sharp and really takes it all out.
42:24Wait, any more for that?
42:25An ambitious pedophile.
42:33That's so funny.
42:34That's what pedophiles are lacking. Ambition.
42:39That's a travelling balloon seller in a vehicle modified to carry dozens of character balloons
42:44in Banda Aceh in Indonesia.
42:46Wow.
42:46That is, alright.
42:48Yeah.
42:48Banda Aceh.
42:49Did I get it wrong?
42:50No, I got it wrong.
42:51He got it wrong.
42:53Banda Aceh.
42:55Banda Aceh.
42:55Banda Aceh.
42:56Banda Aceh.
42:57Banda Aceh.
42:58Banda Aceh.
42:59Banda Aceh.
43:00Banda Aceh.
43:02And with that gripping round of captions, it's time to see how the star chart panned out
43:05this evening.
43:06Let's take a gander.
43:07Look at that.
43:08Congratulations to tonight's winner, Team One!
43:14Enjoy your spy kits.
43:20To be fair, I wouldn't recommend using it on the more important jobs.
43:24That is all from us this week.
43:26Thank you for being you and for lending us your eyeballs and your ear balls.
43:30Please join me in thanking Ben, Carl, Emma, Mel, Johanna and Azeem.
43:33We'll see you in seven days.
43:34On some days.
43:34Goodbye.
43:40Thank you so much, New Zealand On Air.
43:41We really appreciate all your support for all the comics here.
43:45Oh, Jeremy, it's time for your pills again.
43:46Come on.
43:47Come on.
43:48Come on.
43:49Come on.
43:49Let's go.
43:50Let's go.
43:51Let's go.
43:51This one's an animal.
43:53Come on.
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