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Short filmTranscript
00:20I'm a little tired.
00:23I don't know if I can.
00:26I'm a little tired.
00:50Oh, my God.
01:03I don't know what you're doing.
01:04You've lost all of them.
01:08I know what you're doing.
01:12You're right.
01:13You're right.
01:14I thought you were going to kill you, but...
01:18Let's do the chance again.
01:21Let's do it.
01:22Let's do it.
01:24You've been doing it.
01:25I can't control it.
01:28You can't control it.
01:31You...
01:54Uh-oh.
02:00Uh-oh!
02:01Uh-oh!
02:11I can't.
02:13I'll do it.
02:15I'll do it.
02:28I'll do it.
02:42Ah.
02:53Uh-oh.
02:54Uh-oh.
03:02Uh-oh.
03:04Uh-oh.
03:05Uh-oh.
03:07Minasota.
03:09Ike!
03:11Normal?
03:12It's me.
03:13You're bankrupt.
03:13Come on!
03:14Ike!
03:31In special news, Normal is celebrating a hundred and fifty-two years since the real we came
03:37to town.
03:38Weather advisory remains on a high level.
03:40Where the winter store is stretching this week, looks like it's gonna be...
03:50So how's the motel treating you?
03:52Exactly how you'd expect for 55 bucks a night.
03:55What'd you do for dinner?
03:57I got delivery from the Chinese place.
04:01Chang Lu's?
04:02Is there another one?
04:04No.
04:05No, just Chang Lu's.
04:10Have you been to Ernie's place to try his meatloaf?
04:12It's amazing.
04:14Duly noted.
04:22This is Penny. Sorry I missed you.
04:24Please leave a message and I'll circle back when I can.
04:27Hey, it's just me, Ulysses.
04:29You know, your husband.
04:31If you don't mind me still calling myself that.
04:34I know we agreed to take some time apart.
04:36You need space. I get it.
04:38But I just thought I'd let you know.
04:40I landed another temporary sheriff job.
04:43In a little town called Normal, Minnesota.
04:47Like a lot of small towns, it's half abandoned.
04:50The other half is nice though.
04:52People seem friendly enough.
04:54They built themselves a real nice little setup here.
04:57Considering how hard times are for most folks in the country right now.
05:01I don't know what their secret is, but I could do with a serving of it.
05:06Anyway, it's just for eight weeks till they elect the new permanent law man.
05:10My goal is to leave this town just the way I found it.
05:19What's the deal with that jacket?
05:21Pretty cool, huh?
05:23I got it to match my chopper.
05:26I didn't know you had one.
05:27Oh no, I don't. Not yet.
05:29I'm just saving up.
05:31I figured I'd start with the jacket.
05:34Well, it's loud.
05:37I mean, it's too flashy.
05:38No, I mean, it makes noise.
05:41It's literally loud.
05:43And I don't think it's regulation.
05:46Hey, sorry.
05:48I'll just...
05:49No, no, no, just leave it on. Leave it on.
05:52It's cool. It's very cool.
05:55Whoa, $16.8 million.
05:58Where the hell did this town get that kind of money?
06:00Community really came together on that one.
06:03Yeah, I would say.
06:06Hey, Mayor Kibner.
06:07There he is.
06:14I can't wait for the parade next week.
06:16We all dress up. We're gonna love it.
06:18I always wanted to be the parade mascot, but I never got picked.
06:22I'm not bitter, though.
06:24The guys take their bikes pretty seriously here.
06:28My bike's probably gonna be a lot like this one.
06:31Geez, Randy, I wish my girlfriend was that dirty.
06:34Have you got a girlfriend, Sheriff?
06:35Nah, I've got a wife. She's had it with me.
06:38Then I'll put an extra sugar in your coffee.
06:41Hey, Tom, how are you?
06:42Hey, Mike, this is America, goddamn.
06:44It's mine.
06:44Yeah.
06:45You can't go and talk to me like this.
06:48I'm gonna go put a pot on.
06:49I feel like Sisyphus pushing a rock up a goddamn hill.
06:52What's the problem?
06:53Tom's being a goddamn dick.
06:55That's the fucking problem.
06:55Who the fuck you, you trucked up?
06:57No, just communicate the problem to me.
06:59Depends who the fuck you're meant to be.
07:01Well, if I'm reading this badge correctly, I'm the sheriff.
07:05Yeah, I sure as shit didn't vote for you.
07:07I understand.
07:08You know Sheriff Gunderson died, right?
07:10Last week. This is Ulysses.
07:12He's filling in, yeah?
07:13Yeah, I heard something about that.
07:15Well?
07:16Is it your his replacement?
07:17I'm an interim.
07:19It's like a substitute teacher.
07:21For how long?
07:22It's on week one of eight.
07:24Morning, peoples.
07:25Morning, Lane.
07:26Good donuts.
07:26Old fashion.
07:27Okay, well, so Carl keeps parking his goddamn rig...
07:29Carl's his neighbor.
07:29My neighbor keeps parking his goddamn rig in my driveway.
07:32I see.
07:33Carl has his own tow trucking company.
07:34He has since high school.
07:35All right.
07:36I lived there first.
07:37It's my property just as much as him.
07:38Tom's on a flag lot, so they have to share a driveway.
07:40He's blocking me in!
07:41That fucker's taking 70%.
07:42Hang on! Hang on!
07:45Look, you want me to drive out there and sort this out with Carl?
07:48For you?
07:48Finally.
07:49Please.
07:51Okay.
07:52Then I best head out there pronto.
07:54All right.
07:55We're good.
07:55All righty, then I'll retire to my boudoir.
07:58Hey.
08:01How's that bad, Sheriff?
08:04You even a warm for me?
08:07I'm doing my best.
08:09Lecture's in six weeks.
08:11Remember to vote for me.
08:12Sure.
08:13Good people, small problems.
08:16And if my instincts tell me something is seriously amiss,
08:20well, then I'll get involved.
08:22But, yeah, I kind of stopped trusting my instincts.
08:27It's not that I don't care anymore, Penny.
08:29It's just life's a lot easier when you care a little less.
08:34Then again, we are who we are.
08:47Nothing to see here.
08:49You're going to go back to school.
08:49Just to be sure.
08:52You're going to get me out there.
08:56Now I'm going to get into the water.
09:18I'm going to be the water.
09:19There's a water.
09:28Oh, there you are.
09:30Refill?
09:31Oh, yeah, sure.
09:34This is a hell of an armory.
09:36Yeah.
09:39Is that C4?
09:41Uh, that it is.
09:43Yeah.
09:44Why do you have that?
09:46I don't know.
09:47Well, after 9-11, Sheriff Gunderson applied for every anti-terrorism grant available.
09:53Yeah?
09:53How much did he spend on training?
09:58I should probably get back to the phones.
10:00Well, the door was unlocked.
10:02That's kind of a no-no.
10:04Oh.
10:06Sorry about that.
10:12Every town has its own little quirks.
10:15You can't change them.
10:17Okay, and the instructions are in Japanese.
10:20The interim job is not to get in the way of them.
10:25I'm like a midwife with a gun.
10:29Helping them transition smoothly.
10:47I'm like the way you law, man.
10:54I'm like the way you law, man.
10:59I'm like the way you law, man.
11:04I'll trade you my heart for your heart, baby.
11:07Give you all my kisses to boot.
11:09I'll trade you my heart for your heart, baby.
11:12Give you all my kisses to boot.
11:15Hey, Sheriff.
11:16Welcome to my place.
11:17Oh, you're Ernie?
11:18Yeah.
11:19Just like my dad and my granddad before me.
11:21Oh, yeah.
11:22Tell me, what's the story with the decor?
11:24Well, granddad started collecting them after the war, and he didn't stop till the day he died.
11:28Any of them loaded?
11:30Wouldn't be much fun if they weren't, would it?
11:37So what can I get you?
11:38I heard good things about the meatloaf.
11:40Sure.
11:41It's coming up.
11:42You gotta try the pie before you leave town.
11:44Hmm.
11:45With the dropping temperatures, snow is much more likely, making this our first big winter storm of the season.
11:51Fucking weather.
11:53Fucking Minnesota.
11:55...has planned to issue a shelter-in-place warning around tomorrow.
12:28...has planned to issue a shelter-in-place warning around tomorrow.
12:55Say cheese.
12:58What's going on, officer?
13:00Uh, I think a moose just stole your paint.
13:05It is going to be a busy day today.
13:08I wanted to get your stamp of approval on the parade route.
13:12Okay.
13:12There's an intersection that I think are just a real hornet's nest.
13:17And, of course, first we have the celebration of life at the sheriff's.
13:24The former sheriff, that is.
13:28But you don't have to worry about saying anything,
13:30because the mayor's going to take care of that.
13:32And there will be food.
13:34It is a potluck, so it should be fun.
13:37All right.
13:38Anyone available?
13:39I've had a situation with Manor down at the hardware store.
13:42Over.
13:42Most of my time is spent on shenanigans, low-stakes stuff.
13:46Reports of two assholes screaming at each other.
13:47I get to say nothing to see here, over and over, all day.
13:52All right.
13:54Separate.
13:55Separate.
13:56Mike, I need you to escort old Clayton here from the premises and arrest him.
14:00For what?
14:00For being a sumbitch.
14:02Sumbitch?
14:03More like thrifty.
14:04Amazon's got these damn near 30% off.
14:07Okay, to be fair, Manor, that seems like a fair price.
14:11That's not helping.
14:12Oh, the customer's always right when he's trying to bankrupt the shop.
14:14No, no, calm down.
14:16Calm down.
14:16Sheriff.
14:17I will be damned if I'm gonna let...
14:18Like you need your money!
14:19You look like an angry son!
14:22The home of the Amazon's bitch, motherfucker!
14:24Guys!
14:25All right!
14:26Guys!
14:26All right!
14:27Guys!
14:30Maybe we just want to bring the temperature down a little bit
14:33in front of the temporary guests from out of town.
14:39Am I right?
14:40Maybe we should go for a walk, eh?
14:43Okay!
14:43I'm going!
14:44Okay!
14:45I'm going!
14:45Let's go!
14:46Clayton?
14:47This is America, which means you can't walk out of a store without paying.
14:50That's a good point.
14:51All right, let's go for a walk!
14:53Enjoy your long walk in the snow, you geriatric tool, sonbitch!
14:58Oh, okay!
14:58Come on, now!
15:00Asshole!
15:01How often does that happen?
15:03Once, twice a week, if I'm lucky.
15:05And it's not like he needs the money.
15:07He just likes pissing up my leg.
15:08Whoa!
15:09There's a lot of locks on that cabinet.
15:11What's going on there?
15:13Stump removers.
15:15What does that mean?
15:17Old school stump removers.
15:20I still don't know exactly what you're talking about.
15:23Sheriff, come quick!
15:25What?
15:25I want to hear your answer.
15:29Anybody!
15:31It's the yarn?
15:32It's the yarn.
15:33I, I...
15:34Look, look, look!
15:35I'm sorry.
15:35This is your sheriff, come quick.
15:37I ordered pink, and they gave me mauve.
15:41Uh, not to play devil's advocate, but that is not pink.
15:43That is mauve.
15:44Mauve?
15:44That's what I said.
15:46What should I do?
15:47Well, I'm not going to be able to help you.
15:49Because they look exactly the same to me.
15:51I'm sorry.
15:52I'm colorblind.
15:53All right.
15:54Well, unlike you, Sheriff, my clientele's a bit more discerning.
15:59They're not colorblind.
16:01No offense.
16:02Mike, are you there?
16:03Are you there?
16:03Over, over.
16:05Mike, come on.
16:06Come on.
16:07Is that a police scanner you got?
16:09You keeping tabs on me?
16:10Yes, sir.
16:12And a CB radio.
16:14Oh.
16:15I get lonely.
16:16And nosy.
16:18Copy that, Sally.
16:19I'm on my way.
16:20Take care.
16:23Call the fire department next time.
16:26Oh, I...
16:27I'm kidding.
16:34Your buck goes a lot further out here, that's for sure.
16:37Gunderson had got himself the Big Mac of McMansions.
16:40He must have issued a hell of a lot of parking tickets to get that.
16:43So, what do you say about a man like Gunderson?
16:46He was a son of a bitch.
16:49But he was our son of a bitch.
16:51He was a great golfer, right?
16:53Bosch.
16:53A medium fisherman.
16:55Oh.
16:56What's up?
16:57You got to get out on this.
16:59This is just like Christmas.
17:01You got Pete's Meats, fortune cookies, all you can eat.
17:06You want me to make you a plate?
17:08Uh, no, unless I want to end up like Gunderson.
17:11Hmm.
17:12That reminds me.
17:16I think you should be wearing this.
17:20But I thought you said you had only one.
17:22I did.
17:23But when the cetacean was over and done with, I nicked it off of the corpse
17:30before they closed the casket.
17:33So, you enjoy the power while it lasts.
18:03Oh, what a trip that was.
18:05Japanese sure love their golf.
18:08Hmm.
18:10So?
18:12What'd you pick?
18:14Oh, uh, Ashford something?
18:16I always tend to lean toward the Irish.
18:21Seven G's a bottle.
18:26Dr. Volai.
18:27Ulysses.
18:28Um, you signed, uh, Sheriff Gunderson's death certificate, right?
18:35Sadly, yes, I did.
18:37What happened there?
18:39Well, uh, a couple Wednesdays ago, around three in the morning,
18:43Deputy Blaine found him out backing little more than his tighty-whities,
18:47frozen like a chunk of ice chiseled by a chainsaw.
18:52What do you suppose he thought he was doing?
18:56Uh, my job goes supposing, to be sure.
18:59Gunderson liked his fishing.
19:00He had a fishing rod in his one hand and an auger in the other.
19:05So, my guess, man thought he was going ice fishing.
19:09At night? In his underwear?
19:13Well, as you can see, the man was a drinker.
19:16And a son of a bitch.
19:18But then again, he was our son of a bitch, right?
19:21Hey, Doc, give me a minute. I'd like to bend his ear, okay?
19:24Yeah.
19:25Yeah, thank you.
19:26I want to thank you for coming.
19:29Of course.
19:30So, let me get this straight.
19:32Did I hear...
19:36you saw the moose?
19:38I did. I got a picture of it.
19:40Goddamn!
19:41I am the only one in this town who has never seen that fucking moose.
19:45And I keep an eye out for it.
19:47You know, in Native American culture, the moose.
19:50The moose is a symbol of endurance and survival.
19:53Hmm?
19:55I...
19:56So...
19:57What do you think of our little town?
20:00It's, um, charming.
20:01Yeah.
20:02You know, I hear that you are a very laid-back kind of guy.
20:06Not a crack-the-whip sort.
20:09Well, I mean, I've been known to...
20:11Do you ever think about settling down?
20:14You could be a real sheriff for more than a few weeks.
20:17You could build a whole new life here at Normal.
20:20Because we really celebrate the community.
20:25Around here, it's always one for all.
20:29That sounds...
20:30Mayor?
20:30Yeah.
20:30It's time.
20:31Yeah.
20:32But I want you to think about it.
20:34I will.
20:35All right.
20:39What do you mean, get out?
20:42Why is that a beautiful...
20:44Why?
20:46Have you been sleeping in your bed?
20:49Why?
20:50Why?
20:51You're a mess.
20:53Not sharing that, please.
20:56What?
20:57Hey, boss.
20:59I was just, uh, checking on you.
21:02Uh...
21:02You good?
21:03I'm fine.
21:05Well, I just wanted to let you know that they put out more of those mini egg rolls.
21:09They're custom.
21:10And the mayor's just about to tell the story about the time he went on the cruise with Jane Fonda,
21:15so...
21:18You know who that is in the van?
21:21Sheriff Gunderson's, uh, daughter, I think.
21:25Alex.
21:38Is that for a game?
21:40Uh, my hands are shaky.
21:42They only trust me with a gun.
21:45Company, then?
21:47I gotta warn ya.
21:49Not very good.
21:51So would you say you knew Gunderson well?
21:53Gunderson?
21:54Yeah.
21:54I knew him pretty well.
21:57I was sad the way he, uh...
22:01You know.
22:02But he liked to drink.
22:03He liked to fish, so the way I see it, he died doing what he loved best.
22:07You fish?
22:09Uh, when I was a kid with my dad.
22:12You?
22:13Me?
22:13Fuck no.
22:14Probably the only one in town who don't.
22:16But in the end, death...
22:19comes for us all, don't it, law man?
22:22I'm like getting a sheriff out of you, huh?
22:25If you really were, you would, but are ya?
22:31You've been listening to my internal monologue, haven't ya?
22:34It's my job.
22:37I'm Moira, the barkeeper here.
22:43Rack him up!
22:45Why are you here?
22:46Stop fucking around.
22:47Come on.
22:49I'm all ears.
22:51All right.
22:52Just kidding.
22:53You!
22:53All right.
22:53The barkeeper.
22:53Thank you for the Saudis.
22:54Thank you for joining us today.
22:54Thank you for tuning into our managing complex funciona!
22:57Yes, now I'm speechless.
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