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00:00From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:04Tonight, Wanda Sykes, Jake Johnson,
00:08plus music from Dan and Shay with the Kletos!
00:14And now, Jimmy Kimmel!
00:31Hi, everybody. I'm Jimmy. I am the host of the show.
00:34Thanks for coming.
00:36Thank you for watching at home.
00:38We are broadcasting from our studio in Los Angeles, California, in Hollywood.
00:45You know, here in Hollywood, we made some bad and expensive sequels in Hollywood,
00:49but nothing we have ever made is as bad or expensive as the sequel
00:54they are producing in Washington right now.
00:56There is just so much lying and stealing and grifting and cheating in the news today.
01:03I don't even know where to begin.
01:04So we might as well start with the most important issue we face as Americans,
01:10and that is the fact that we don't have a ballroom at the White House.
01:14Everything that's going on with the war, the cost of living, the election rigging,
01:22the constant money grab, our president began the day with a preview of his big, beautiful,
01:28billion-dollar ballroom.
01:30You can see the very large piping and the other things.
01:35It's a very complex building.
01:36It's all knit together.
01:38The roof goes with the ground floor.
01:40The ground floor goes with the roof.
01:42The roof also goes down into the basement.
01:48Let me think about that for a second.
01:51How does a roof go down into the basement?
01:54I'm starting to get the idea Blob the Builder doesn't know much about construction either.
02:00Normally when you build a ballroom, you build it flat.
02:02You just build a ballroom.
02:03It would have been built.
02:04The complexity of this, and again, it's all knit.
02:08It's all knit together.
02:09Between the drone-proofing, the missile-proofing, and the drone capacity upstairs,
02:15we can have all sorts of military up with it.
02:18I hate to use the word snipers, but we have great sniper capacity.
02:23It's built for our snipers, not the enemy snipers, our snipers.
02:27Okay, all right.
02:28Well, that's good.
02:29That's as long as there are snipers and not the enemy snipers.
02:32The enemy snipers have to find their own spot, okay?
02:35We're not building them a spot.
02:38And then, uh, his poster board started flying everywhere.
02:41The wind kicked up and the present dementia settled in.
02:45Just hold him, though.
02:47It's like an exercise game.
02:50Give him that to me.
02:51I'll hold him.
02:51Give him that to me.
02:52I'll hold him.
02:53Yeah.
02:54It's so beautiful.
02:56See, I look so thin.
02:57They'll say, oh, he's gotten so thin because I'm holding this.
03:00You don't have to look at my waist.
03:02You can look at this.
03:05Smart, smart.
03:06Instead of horizontally, he built the columns vertically.
03:09It's more slimming that way.
03:10Everybody knows that.
03:12Can you imagine the Iranians watching that this morning?
03:15Minutes before his deadline to bomb them,
03:17he's showing off plans for the new dance floor where he's gonna cha-cha to YMCA.
03:21I mean, if he wasn't so dumb, it might be diabolical.
03:26But it isn't.
03:27He's dumb.
03:28It was another Auco Taco Tuesday in the Middle East today.
03:32Trump backed off his deadline at the last minute again.
03:35He wrote, I've been asked by the emir of Qatar, Tamim bin Hamad al-Tani,
03:41the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed bin Salman al-Soud,
03:44and the President of the United Arab Emirates, Mohammed bin Zayed al-Nayan,
03:49to hold off on our planned military attack of the Islamic Republic of Iran,
03:53which was scheduled for tomorrow.
03:55Somebody had to have typed that out for a night.
03:57I mean, I can barely see it.
03:59There's no chance he knows how to spell
04:02Hamid bin Hamad.
04:04And have you noticed he always seems to back down on Tuesday?
04:09Every Tuesday.
04:10It's like a new episode of NCIS.
04:12You can...
04:13He pulls out.
04:14I think it's because he has more free time on the weekends to make threats,
04:18and then Monday comes, he's like, ah, I don't want a deal.
04:21Just cancel until next week.
04:23This war feels like a series of millennial business meetings.
04:26Like, hey, Qatar's on the phone.
04:28They're wondering if we could push the attack on Wednesday.
04:30They want to do a quick collab and circle back on this one.
04:33But make no mistake, if the Iranians don't give up their nuclear ambitions,
04:37we will definitely, possibly, maybe hit them soon, or at another time entirely.
04:44How close were you with the striking Iranians?
04:47I was, I was, I was an hour away.
04:51I had made the decision.
04:52So they called up.
04:54They had heard I made the decision.
04:55They said, sir, could you give us a couple of more days?
04:57Because we think they're being reasonable.
05:01How long are you going to wait for Iran to come to Iran?
05:04Well, I, I mean, I'm saying two or three days.
05:06Maybe Friday, Saturday, Sunday, something.
05:08Maybe early next week.
05:11Maybe Tuesday?
05:13This is, this is how I, this is how I threaten my children.
05:19I tell my kids, no iPad for a week.
05:21And then 45 minutes later, I'm like, all right, you can play Roblox for an hour.
05:25According to every poll done by everyone, a strong majority of Americans are against this war he concocted,
05:32which is a fact that Trump both acknowledges and rejects.
05:35Look, everyone tells me it's unpopular, but I think it's very popular.
05:40Okay.
05:41That right there, that five second moment is all you need to know about this man.
05:46Everyone tells me it's unpopular, but I think it's popular.
05:49It's about as stupid a sentence as I've ever heard in my life.
05:54It's, people, everyone loves the Hantavirus.
06:02If they didn't, why would they get it?
06:05Trump has no exit strategy for Iran.
06:08He only has one idea for getting out of a war, and sadly, his podiatrist is dead.
06:13And then we have what may well be the most brazenly corrupt move by any president ever.
06:19Back in January, Trump became the first sitting U.S. president to sue his own government.
06:24He sued all of us because somebody at the IRS leaked the tax returns he'd been promising to show us
06:30for the past 11 years.
06:32For that, he demanded $10 billion.
06:34And guess who gets to decide whether we pay that or not?
06:37Him, through his Justice Department.
06:40This is the legal equivalent of sitting on your hand until it goes to sleep,
06:44so it feels like a stranger is touching you when you masturbate?
06:49You've done that, right? Give him that.
06:50No, I don't think so.
06:51Never.
06:52No, I don't think so.
06:54Give it a try.
06:55No, I don't think so.
06:57Just sit on your hands for a little while.
07:00All right.
07:01All right.
07:02One or two.
07:03So the judge raised doubts about whether this lawsuit was even legal,
07:09but fortunately for us, both sides, which were the same side, came to a settlement.
07:13The president graciously agreed to drop the lawsuit against himself in exchange for an apology
07:19and a fund worth $1.776 billion that he can use to pay anyone for anything at all,
07:26including the loons who stormed the Capitol on January 6th.
07:30Another part of the settlement says the IRS is forever barred and precluded from investigating claims against Trump
07:37or members of his family for past unpaid taxes and possibly even future ones too.
07:43And that, folks, is what they call the art of the deal.
07:46The Justice Department has this new fund that was announced today, $1.7 billion.
07:52Yeah.
07:53Why should taxpayers pay for the January?
07:56Well, it's been very well received, I have to tell you.
07:59I know very little about it.
08:00I wasn't involved in the whole creation of it and the negotiation.
08:06But this is reimbursing people that were horribly treated, horribly treated.
08:10It's anti-weaponization.
08:12They've been weaponized.
08:13They've been, in some cases, imprisoned wrongly.
08:16They've paid legal fees that they didn't have.
08:18They've gone bankrupt.
08:19Their lives have been destroyed.
08:21And they turn out to be right.
08:23Yes, yes.
08:24The great patriots who urinated and smeared feces all over the walls of the Capitol building were right.
08:29They were horribly treated.
08:31Let's cut them a check.
08:32Let's give them our money.
08:33What do you say, you guys?
08:35Trump's...
08:36I had a feeling you'd be against that.
08:39So Todd Blanche, who was Trump's personal lawyer, he's current acting attorney general now, got grilled on this today by
08:46the Senate Appropriations Committee.
08:48Has it ever happened that a sitting president sued his own government for $10 billion and then directed the settlement
08:57of the case and the establishment of a payout fund?
08:59Not that I'm aware of, but there's a lot of things that President Trump's the first of.
09:03No president had been indicted one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight times either.
09:07Correct.
09:07No president's been indicted.
09:09And will you commit that none of this money will go to President Trump's campaign donors?
09:14I am not committing to anything beyond the settlement agreement itself.
09:17That's right.
09:18We stole that money fair and square.
09:20Don't tell us how to spend it, buddy.
09:22The way they're going to determine who gets the money is with a five-person commission, and guess who gets
09:26to pick who will be on that commission?
09:28That's right.
09:29Trump's own little multi-poo, Todd Blanche.
09:32General, come on.
09:33Yes.
09:33So let me...
09:34Let me...
09:34So you're not going to...
09:35You're not going to submit this proposal to any federal judge or independent...
09:40There is no judge.
09:41Any independent authority?
09:42An independent...
09:43What does that mean, an independent authority?
09:44What does that mean?
09:45It's not somebody who's getting to pick five of the members who is the president's former personal attorney.
09:50That would be somebody who would be independent, right?
09:52I'm the acting attorney general, okay?
09:54The fact that I used to be President Trump's lawyer is just a fact, but I'm the acting attorney general.
09:59So don't say the president's former personal lawyer will do something.
10:02The acting attorney general will do something.
10:04Mr. Attorney General, you are acting today like the president's personal attorney, and that's the whole problem.
10:13That was amazing, yeah.
10:16That was like one of those fake conversations you have with yourself in the shower, or you
10:21have a perfect comeback, except it happened on TV.
10:24Good going, Senator Chris Van Hollen.
10:27Now, I don't know what specifically prompted this decision, but the White House wedding that
10:32was supposed to happen between Donald Trump Jr. and his bride this weekend has had a change of venue.
10:39DJ TJ and his new fiancée, Bettina, were planning to tie the knot at Dad's house,
10:44but they reportedly decided against getting married at the White House over fears about the optics.
10:50Which, I don't know, somebody marrying Donald Trump Jr. is worried about the optics?
10:55The wedding has been moved to a small private island in the Caribbean.
11:00You know, I think, as I recall, his dad used to have a buddy who owned a little island in
11:07the Caribbean.
11:08Right now, I don't know if that's available, but that might be a nice spot.
11:13Speaking of optics, according to a recent disclosure from the U.S. Office of Government Ethics,
11:18which apparently we still have, over the first quarter of this year,
11:21Donald Trump has benefited from thousands of personal stock trades for as much as $750 million,
11:27involving several companies that directly profited from decisions he made as president after he bought the stock.
11:35For example, Trump bought between $2 and $7 million in NVIDIA stock,
11:39then gave NVIDIA the green light to sell their AI chips to China, which made it go up.
11:45He bought stock in a number of companies who have deals with the government.
11:48It's like a smash and grab. You just can't keep track of what they're taking.
11:52There is so much garbage being thrown in our faces,
11:55and the trolls now have had to come up with random stuff to complain about to distract us.
12:00Elon Musk is now attacking Christopher Nolan, the film director,
12:05for the way he cast the movie The Odyssey.
12:08He's upset because Christopher Nolan hired Lupita Nyong'o
12:11to play a character he believes should be played by a white woman.
12:15Musk posted,
12:16Chris Nolan desecrated the Odyssey so that he would be eligible for an Academy Award.
12:21Followed by,
12:22Who specifically is the a**hole who added DEI lies to Academy Awards eligibility
12:27instead of it just being about making the best movie?
12:30That's a good question.
12:31While we're at it,
12:31who specifically is the a**hole who thought this was a cool design for a truck?
12:37I mean...
12:41Stay in your lane.
12:43And Elon isn't alone in this.
12:45This is a thing now.
12:46Rob Finnerty from Newsmax, this guy's a beauty,
12:49he was so upset he devoted a whole segment to it.
12:52Playing Helen of Troy,
12:54the woman who started the Trojan War.
12:56The likeness on the right, probably not great.
12:58She was beautiful.
13:00The woman whose face launched a thousand ships,
13:03whose beauty was unparalleled.
13:04A woman who was definitely white is going to be played by Lupita Nuongo.
13:11You might be looking at this photograph saying,
13:14I think Lupita Nuongo is black and you're correct.
13:16We haven't adjusted anything.
13:18And I've got nothing against Lupita.
13:20But I do have a problem with the complete rewriting of history.
13:24Helen of Troy was not black.
13:27That's not me being mean.
13:28That's me telling the truth.
13:30Well, here's something that might surprise you, Rob.
13:32Helen of Troy was also not real.
13:36The Odyssey is a mythical poem.
13:41There was no Helen of Troy.
13:44She was mythical like Santa Claus or election fraud.
13:47Perhaps that's...
13:49It doesn't matter what color a myth is.
13:51And if you really want to get into it,
13:52Helen of Troy was half bird.
13:54Helen was the daughter of Zeus.
13:56And these, Rob, are not photographs.
13:58These are drawings who disguised himself as a swan
14:02so he could mate with a human woman who then laid an egg
14:05and outhatched Helen of Troy, who again was not a real person.
14:09This is not history.
14:11This is made up.
14:12She was pretend.
14:13So it makes no difference to anyone but crazy angry people.
14:17What color she was.
14:18Next week, we'll do the tooth fairy.
14:20And by the way, if you're going to be angry about the casting of the Odyssey,
14:25be mad at the loser they cast to play Odysseus
14:28because that's something we should all be upset about.
14:34And I'll tell you one other thing.
14:36If you didn't like Lupita Nyong'o,
14:37you're really not going to like who they got to play Odysseus' sidekick.
14:40Tell me what you remember.
14:43A wife?
14:47A son.
14:53I think this kid is coming back.
14:56No, he's not.
15:01Holy .
15:09I think it's insane.
15:12In Mexico, we call it siesta.
15:20Congratulations.
15:22We have a fun show tonight.
15:23Jake Johnson is here.
15:24We have music from Dan and Shay.
15:26And we'll be right back with Wanda Sykes.
15:28So stick around.
15:36Thank you, Glee Tones.
15:38Thank you, Glee Tones.
15:41Thank you, Mika.
15:43Hi, welcome back.
15:44That is Mika Lossa sitting in with the Glee Tones this week.
15:47Thank you, Mika.
15:49Tonight, she has a new show.
15:51It's called Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed.
15:53Jake Johnson is with us.
15:55And then later, three-time Grammy award winners.
15:58This is their new album.
15:59It's called Young.
16:00It comes out August 21st.
16:02Dan and Shay are here with us.
16:04Good morning.
16:05We will be joined by RuPaul and Sarah Sherman
16:08with music from Echo Vandal.
16:10Our first guest of the evening packs a huge amount of talent
16:13into one delightful human being.
16:15Her new stand-up comedy special, Wanda Sykes Legacy,
16:18is on Netflix now.
16:20Please welcome Wanda Sykes.
16:41How are you?
16:44You look great.
16:45Wow.
16:47So nice.
16:49Well, we got a good group here tonight.
16:51A great group.
16:52And Nika Kosta, I'm a fan.
16:53And Nika Kosta is here, yeah.
16:55And the band is always great.
16:57How are you?
16:58Interesting fact.
16:59I'm sorry to rush by how are you,
17:01but it was one of those things, you know.
17:02I know you're fine.
17:05You were our scheduled guest on the night
17:09our show got pulled off the air in September.
17:13And then you weren't on the show
17:15because I wasn't on the show,
17:16and the show wasn't on the show.
17:19Right.
17:20Yeah.
17:21When did you...
17:22There was a lot of not being here.
17:23Yeah.
17:24Yeah.
17:24At what time did you get the word?
17:26Do you recall?
17:27Um, I was about to get in the car.
17:29Like, the glam had just finished up.
17:31And so we were heading out to the car.
17:34And my Danica, my publicist, called and said,
17:37don't get in the car.
17:39They're preempting the show or whatever.
17:43They're doing something.
17:44I was like, what?
17:44She's like, it's something with Trump and everything.
17:47And Jimmy's not on the air tonight.
17:48I was like, what the hell?
17:51Right.
17:51Yeah.
17:52That's my reaction.
17:53Yeah.
17:54It was, it was, it was, and it was like, wait a minute.
17:56Is this really happening?
17:58Is this, is this really going down like this?
18:00And I was, you know, and my friend, so, um, so we just,
18:04you know, went back inside, and, uh, she made martinis.
18:09You know?
18:11Because, you know, because when, when life has you lemons,
18:17you, you make martinis with a lemon twist.
18:20Oh, all right.
18:22Well, I was wondering, because I did, you know,
18:25you were one of, maybe even the first, I'm not sure,
18:28one of the first people I texted that night.
18:30Right.
18:30Because I wanted you to know what had happened, you know?
18:33And, um, little did I know, you were drunk, enjoying yourself.
18:36Yeah.
18:36And I, I think, I think I'd text you back all kind of crazy stuff.
18:40Like, you want us to roll through, and you know what that means.
18:42And, like, should we roll through?
18:44And it's like, oh, what am I doing?
18:45Like, I, you know, I don't hang out with roll through people.
18:48What am I talking about?
18:50And, but here you are now, which is good.
18:52And also, I wonder, since that time,
18:54I know that was a bumpy moment, but are you satisfied
18:57with Trump's job performance since then?
19:02Have you had martinis with lemon twist?
19:07I have to tell you something.
19:10I love hearing you talk about it.
19:12I love hearing you talk about him.
19:14I think you do a great job of talking about serious stuff
19:17in a funny way.
19:18And, um, well, I remember a couple of specials ago,
19:21you did a whole thing that I just loved about how
19:24he's the only president that hasn't aged in office.
19:27Right.
19:28Yeah.
19:28But, but we are, like, light speed.
19:32I mean, the way we're aging, you know.
19:33Yes, yes.
19:34But age is catching up with him now.
19:36You think so, yeah.
19:37Yeah.
19:38You see that.
19:38He's falling asleep standing up.
19:42What's the number one thing you worry about
19:44as far as Trump goes?
19:46Um, well, everything.
19:49Everything.
19:49He makes you worry about everything.
19:51Yeah.
19:51You know, like, the Hunter virus,
19:53I heard about it here and there.
19:55I was like, oh, that's no big deal,
19:56until I heard him talk about it.
19:58You know, he's like, well, it's under control.
20:01Well, you know, we got a good grip on it,
20:03and what we think we have it.
20:06It's, uh, well, I don't know the people.
20:08I don't know anything about it, but it's under control.
20:10I'm like, oh, my God, we're all going to die by the Hunter virus.
20:13Like, I wasn't concerned about it
20:16until he started talking about it.
20:18I'm like, oh, boy, and now Ebola is out here.
20:21What the hell, man?
20:22Yeah, Ebola's no good.
20:23I don't know what's going on in those hands, though.
20:25I mean, that's, you know, who knows what that is.
20:27That could be contagious also.
20:28Yeah, yeah, exactly.
20:29What, is he carrying it?
20:31Is he, all the diseases, is, is, maybe it's him.
20:35Maybe it's just, oh, just festering in there.
20:38Oh, you know, a little Ebola, a little Hunter virus.
20:42You know, bird flu.
20:44I don't know.
20:44I don't know.
20:45Could be anything in there.
20:46What's going on with, um, the last time you were here,
20:49your kids were studying for their driver's test.
20:51Did you get to, did you help them with that?
20:54And did you do that?
20:56Did they get the licenses?
20:57You know, I tried a little bit.
20:59I, you know, would take them out.
21:00But then I'm sitting there going, this is nuts.
21:03They don't know how to drive.
21:04And I'm sitting here in a car with them.
21:08I'm like, they could kill me.
21:09I don't, I, what am I doing?
21:11This is, this is nuts.
21:13You're contributing to a problem.
21:14Yes.
21:15I was like, I don't, I don't have a break over here.
21:17I got nothing.
21:18Do you know all the rules, like, for the written test?
21:21Do you think you could pass it?
21:22I think so.
21:23I have a couple of questions.
21:24All right.
21:24Here we go.
21:26A highway has a posted speed limit of 65 miles an hour.
21:30What does this mean?
21:31You must always drive 65 on that highway.
21:33You may drive faster only if there are no other vehicles.
21:36You must drive 65 miles an hour only if driving conditions are ideal.
21:40It's, it's the, the, yeah, you got to, if the conditions are ideal.
21:46If the conditions are ideal?
21:48Mm-hmm.
21:48That is exactly correct.
21:50Yes, that's good.
21:51All right.
21:56Imagine if you had to always drive 65 miles an hour.
21:58I know, exactly.
21:59Get out of the way!
22:01All right, I'll give you one more, okay?
22:04Let's see what we have there.
22:07When hauling lumber in your truck, the tailgate should be marked with a red flag, an orange flag,
22:13a bumper sticker that says, look out, ladies, I got wood.
22:19Well, it's got to be look out, ladies, I got wood.
22:22It is, that's the right answer, yes.
22:23Wanda Sykes is here.
22:24It's got to be, yes.
22:24Her communist picture is Wanda Sykes' Legacy on Netflix.
22:32I can't believe I'm going to say this, y'all, but I missed 2016 Trump.
22:48Baby Trump seems cute now.
22:50You know, we just had to humor him.
22:52You know, oh, I'm going to build a wall.
22:55Oh, you're going to build a wall.
22:56Yes, you are going to build a wall.
22:59You're going to build a big, beautiful wall, aren't you?
23:03Uh-huh.
23:04That is Wanda Sykes.
23:06Wanda Sykes' Legacy is a comedy special.
23:08You can see it on Netflix right now.
23:11It's so funny.
23:12It's really, really, really funny.
23:13You did a great job with it.
23:14I do have a bone to pick with you, though.
23:16Okay.
23:17You talk about the clarinet, which is an instrument that I play, and played since I was a boy.
23:24There you go.
23:27Nothing, really nothing to be proud of or applaud, but you called it an evil instrument.
23:33It's evil.
23:34Now, why would you...
23:35Well, being in a house with someone learning how to play the clarinet, it's awful.
23:41Yeah.
23:41That's awful.
23:41Yeah, I just, I just, I'm not a fan of the clarinet.
23:44For me, the clarinet is the white man's saxophone.
23:51Yeah.
23:57You shot your special at your alma mater at Hampton University, which is, I would imagine,
24:04an emotional experience to be back there.
24:06It totally was.
24:06Yeah, full circle moment.
24:08And it was just, you know, Hampton is HBCU, so it was just beautiful to go back and just
24:14perform in front of that crowd and to bring my audience onto campus, you know, so it was
24:21just a beautiful night.
24:22Did you remember, did memories come flooding back to you as you walked around?
24:26Well, campus has changed so much, you know, it's grown and there's new buildings and,
24:31you know, it's like, I couldn't find a thing, you know.
24:35Oh, really?
24:36Yeah.
24:36And it's so many more improvements.
24:38So, like, our cafeteria was just old and, you know, not a lot going on.
24:44And now this cafeteria is, I mean, it's got, you know, gluten-free options and all this
24:50other stuff.
24:50We didn't have any choices.
24:53No.
24:53We only had one choice.
24:55And that was gravy or no gravy.
24:57That was it.
25:00We had this woman, and she was a lovely woman.
25:03We called her the gravy lady, you know.
25:05And she was just standing at the end of the line, and, you know, you get your food, and
25:09she would just go, gravy, baby.
25:11And you had to pay attention, because if you didn't answer her, you were going to get gravy.
25:16You just, she would just ladle that gravy right up, you know.
25:20I was like, oh, gravy on my fruit cup.
25:22Well, God, I got to look alive out here.
25:25The gravy lady is no more?
25:27The gravy lady.
25:27No gravy lady?
25:28No gravy lady.
25:29Oh, that's a shame.
25:29But you know what?
25:30They do have a little memorial with her, for her.
25:33Yeah, and it's a little, like a little ladle.
25:35They have a ladle?
25:36Yeah, it's a gravy baby.
25:37A ladle for the lady.
25:37She was gravy baby.
25:39Yeah.
25:40Wow.
25:41And you have a movie out right now, which is not something I was aware of.
25:45A dramatic film.
25:47Yes.
25:47That's exciting.
25:48That's your first dramatic role?
25:49It's my first dramatic role.
25:51A lead role.
25:56It's called Undercard.
25:57It's called Undercard, directed by Tameka Miller.
25:59And it's a movie about family and reconciliation,
26:05but it's set in the world of boxing, which I love.
26:08Yeah, you're a fight fan, right?
26:09Yeah, a form of boxing track.
26:10That's exciting, huh?
26:11Yeah, it's great.
26:12So you can rent it now on Amazon Prime and whatever.
26:17You're saying it to me like I know what it is.
26:19Do you know where you can get it?
26:21Yeah, any place where you can rent a movie.
26:23Oh, okay.
26:23That's where you, yeah.
26:24Like Blockbuster, you mean?
26:25No, Jimmy.
26:27No?
26:27No, Jimmy.
26:28That's not, no.
26:29Did something happen?
26:30Did something happen.
26:31You got it.
26:33Well, it's great to see you.
26:34Good to see you.
26:35The movie, this special is very, very funny.
26:37It's called Wanda Sykes Legacy.
26:39You can watch it on Netflix now.
26:40Wanda Sykes, everybody.
26:42We'll be right back with Jake Johnson.
26:49Welcome back.
26:50Jake Johnson is on the way for first.
26:52Guillermo and I have so much in common.
26:54We both have arms and legs and mustaches.
26:57We both love our pets and food.
26:59And when it comes to pets and food, Guillermo has some very strong opinions.
27:04Excuse me.
27:05What food do you have for my pets?
27:07Steve and Edie.
27:08I suppose we do have some run-of-the-mill pet food, canned and bland.
27:13What?
27:20Good news.
27:21You're in luck that I brought a pet food that is inspired by home chefs.
27:26Rachel Ray Nutrish dry food for cats and dogs.
27:29Look at them.
27:30They love it.
27:30And they deserve it.
27:31I love my pets so much.
27:33Would you mind hooking me up with some Rachel Ray Nutrish from my dog, Larry?
27:37You bet.
27:38Larry, you're gonna love the real beef, pea, and brown rice recipe.
27:42Sounds great, but I gotta finish my shit first.
27:44Someone made a real mess.
27:46Oh, sorry about that.
27:49Did you know dogs can talk?
27:51It was the first I'm hearing it.
27:53Come on, you two.
27:54Don't talk with your mouth full of Nutrish.
27:56He's right.
27:57What are we?
27:58Animals?
28:00Good one.
28:02Rachel Ray Nutrish Pet Food.
28:04Home chef-inspired bowls.
28:06Learn more and visit Nutrish.com to build their bowl your way.
28:20From Dan and Shea coming up, our next guest is an actor, filmmaker, and podcaster with
28:25a new show on TV.
28:26It's called Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed.
28:29It premieres tomorrow on Apple TV.
28:31Please welcome Jake Johnson.
28:45Welcome.
28:48How are you?
28:49Good.
28:50The last time I saw you was on your podcast.
28:53I did your podcast.
28:54You did.
28:55We're here to help, and you crushed it, and I'm very thankful.
28:57Well, I think we helped a lot of people.
28:59We did?
29:00I just heard that man has a new salsa.
29:03Guillermo does have a salsa.
29:04That's right.
29:05He's also been sitting on his hand for most of the show.
29:09I'm not interested in your salsa.
29:13Now, I was told you were bringing your mom here tonight, but now she's not here.
29:17Yeah, it's been a nightmare, Jimmy.
29:18What happened?
29:19I'm moving my mother, Eve Johnson, to Los Angeles.
29:23From where?
29:23Chicago.
29:24Okay.
29:26It's taken 15 years to convince her to come.
29:29Really?
29:29Yeah.
29:30Oh, boy.
29:30She doesn't like California.
29:32Oh, great.
29:32She barely likes me.
29:35I was a rotten kid.
29:37But we finally got her.
29:39I got a plane ticket.
29:39She was going to fly Sunday.
29:41I thought, what fun, we'll go to Jimmy Kimmel together.
29:44Uh-huh, yeah.
29:44Sunday morning at 5 a.m., I got a call that she couldn't get on the plane.
29:47She got blocked by TSA.
29:50Why?
29:50She doesn't have ID.
29:53That'll do it.
29:54Yeah, yeah.
29:54Heads up, you need ID to travel.
29:57Did she not know that?
29:59She told me she had it figured out.
30:01She said that there was something she got for 40 bucks for TSA that she could fly day of.
30:06I said, this doesn't sound realistic.
30:08She said, you don't know everything.
30:11I said, that's probably true.
30:13She called me in the morning and said they didn't let me on.
30:16I was wrong.
30:17I said, all right, well, we got to get you here.
30:19Maybe we'll get you on a train.
30:20We'll get you on an Amtrak.
30:21Uh, was there any moment of happiness when she called you to tell you that she didn't
30:25get on the plane after you told her that she wouldn't?
30:27No, because I want her here.
30:28Oh, okay, all right.
30:29There was a lot of happiness for her.
30:31I see, okay.
30:32Uh, but then I found out on Amtrak, they can ask you for ID.
30:36Okay.
30:37So, then I thought, I'm sure my mom's going to fight with somebody on the Amtrak.
30:41Uh-huh.
30:41And at 2 a.m., she's going to get kicked off somewhere in Colorado.
30:44Oh, it's, yeah, your mom's tough, huh?
30:47Yeah, she's of the old school, Jimmy.
30:48So, what do you do, what'd you do, bus?
30:51Well, I couldn't put her on a Greyhound, because there's no way she's going to make it all the way
30:55here.
30:55No, no, not his chance.
30:56There's going to be a fight with some guy named Red.
30:59She's going to end up in Nevada at 4 a.m., and you know that's true.
31:05So, I needed something where somebody didn't get paid until they delivered the goods, the goods being my mama.
31:11Oh, okay.
31:12So, I found a service of a personal driver who will fly from here to there and drive her to
31:19Los Angeles.
31:20Oh, okay.
31:21Yeah.
31:21So, you found a guy.
31:23I found some guy named Rick.
31:27So, there's a guy named Rick, who's currently driving my mother.
31:32He's got her.
31:33They left this morning at 7 a.m., I talked to Rick.
31:38Oh, you did, okay.
31:39Real sweet guy.
31:40Okay, great.
31:40He was at an antique shop in South Pasadena.
31:43Okay.
31:43So, I'm worried about Rick.
31:46I'm not worried about Eve Johnson.
31:48Why are you worried about Rick?
31:51Because, I mean, because my mom's tough.
31:52Oh, she is.
31:53Yeah.
31:53And so, here's what I know for sure.
31:56I talked to her this morning.
31:57She called.
31:58She said, he's not here.
32:00Then she goes, he's here.
32:01I go, okay.
32:02Then she didn't realize she didn't hang up.
32:04Oh.
32:04And I heard the beginning interaction.
32:07Oh.
32:08Rick, sweet.
32:09Okay.
32:10Hi, welcome.
32:11Hi, mom.
32:12Yeah.
32:13I'm going to sit in the back.
32:14Oh.
32:15She told him right off the bat.
32:17She did, uh, driving Miss Daisy.
32:18Oh, she did.
32:19She jumped in the back on Rick.
32:22What a move.
32:24Did you imagine?
32:26I'm imagining it right now, yeah.
32:28So, she got in the back like it was a cab.
32:30For days, she's going to be in that car.
32:32Yeah, and, uh, she left me a voicemail about it.
32:35Okay.
32:35So, I have that.
32:36Oh, can I hear that by any chance?
32:38Do you have your phone?
32:39I do.
32:40Oh, great.
32:41Oh, awesome.
32:41Okay.
32:42Okay.
32:42Let me see if I get this technology to work.
32:44Should I use a microphone here?
32:45Yeah.
32:45Okay.
32:46All right, so this is...
32:47It's on?
32:47All right.
32:48This is my mother, Eve Johnson.
32:52Okay.
32:53I love you, ma.
32:54Will you put the phone up here so I can mic it properly?
32:57This is her talking about it.
32:59Okay.
33:00I just realized that I'm going to be in a car with a man I don't know, who must be
33:07a social
33:08being, because he does this for a living.
33:11He drives people around.
33:13That means he f***ing talks to them.
33:16I don't want to talk to him.
33:17I don't want to wake up in the morning and have to look at some stranger's face and drive
33:24with him for five hours.
33:28I just don't know what to say.
33:31I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt the guy.
33:34So I'd like you again to speak to him before he picks me up and tell him, no talking, no
33:41looking, just drive.
33:45Wow.
33:45Are you sure you want her to move out here?
33:50I deserve it.
33:51How is it going with her?
33:54So I think pretty good.
33:56I talked to Rick before.
33:57Uh-huh.
33:57I said that.
33:58I was like, don't take it personal, my man.
34:00Look forward.
34:00No talking.
34:02And he said, okay.
34:03It's going to go great.
34:03It's going to go great.
34:04So I don't know.
34:05I know that right now there's...
34:06Can we call her?
34:07Right now?
34:08Yeah.
34:09That would be great.
34:09Yes.
34:10Is that possible?
34:12Will you do the beginning of the talk?
34:15Yeah, absolutely.
34:15Yeah.
34:16Does she know who I am?
34:17Yeah.
34:17Okay.
34:18Okay, good.
34:18All right.
34:19Wait, hold on.
34:19Oh, she's going again.
34:20There's more.
34:22I don't know.
34:23She must be a social being.
34:29She almost sounds sad, and then you realize, oh, no, she's just mean.
34:33She's also dropping the F-bomb.
34:35Yeah.
34:36All right.
34:36Okay.
34:36This is Eve J. Let's hope she answers.
34:38Oh.
34:42Okay.
34:43Hello.
34:44Hi, Eve.
34:45Hi.
34:45Hi.
34:46Hi.
34:46How are you?
34:46Hi.
34:46Is this Eve?
34:48Yes, it is.
34:48Yes, it is.
34:49It's Jimmy Kimmel.
34:50I'm here with your son, Jake.
34:51We're at the show.
34:52Aren't you a lucky one?
34:54Yeah.
34:56Hi, Mom.
34:57I love you.
34:57I'm excited to see you.
34:58How's it going with Rick?
35:01You know what?
35:02It's okay, but I realized one thing.
35:06What?
35:06That when you make friends with somebody, they drive slower.
35:14They do.
35:16Is that true?
35:17Wow.
35:18That's 100% true.
35:20We were going 70, 80.
35:22Yeah.
35:23We went to lunch.
35:24We kind of made friends.
35:26Then he went 60, 58.
35:29And I, as impatient as I was, I said, it's too late.
35:36You made friends.
35:37I can't say.
35:38Yeah, you can make friends.
35:39When you get to L.A., try not to make any friends while you're living here.
35:43Don't worry.
35:44I'm not.
35:44This was ridiculous.
35:46It just occurred to me.
35:47We have something here you're going to love.
35:49It's called Waymo.
35:52Waymo?
35:52Waymo.
35:55Waymo.
35:55Waymo.
35:56Waymo.
35:58But otherwise, Rick seems okay.
36:00He doesn't seem like he's going to be a danger to you.
36:03No.
36:03I was up all night thinking he was going to kill me.
36:06But, you know.
36:07Pretty sure.
36:08Yeah.
36:08It's going to take me to California.
36:10All right.
36:11Well, we look forward to welcoming you here in Los Angeles.
36:15Okay.
36:16You know, I watch your show sometimes.
36:19Oh.
36:19Oh.
36:19It's pretty good.
36:20It's pretty good.
36:22Don't take it personally.
36:23And just remember, say terrible things about Trump anytime you can.
36:29Okay.
36:30All right.
36:31All right.
36:31Tell him.
36:31Give Rick our love.
36:32Okay?
36:33I will.
36:34He's a nice guy.
36:35He is a nice guy.
36:36All right.
36:36Tell him to speed it up, though.
36:38Okay?
36:38All right.
36:39Yeah.
36:39Well, I'm going to have to.
36:41All right.
36:41You want to say anything to mom before we end?
36:44Hey, mom.
36:44I'm sorry for everything I did while growing up.
36:46And I'm excited to see you in L.A.
36:48I love you.
36:49Goodbye.
36:50That's a big goodbye.
36:51All right.
36:52That's your mom.
36:53I like it.
36:54But that's a, that she said she sometimes watches your show is a huge compliment.
37:00She told me she hates my podcast.
37:02Oh, no.
37:03She said I have the instincts of a woman and Gareth talks too much.
37:06She hated New Girl.
37:08Is that a big deal?
37:08And hated Damon Wayans Jr. the most.
37:10Really?
37:11She called him Damon Wayans and she goes, he's wild.
37:16Are you, does she like your new show?
37:18She hasn't seen it yet.
37:19She hasn't seen it yet.
37:20Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed.
37:21Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed.
37:22It is a mystery program.
37:24It is a mystery.
37:26It's great.
37:26David Gordon Green did the pilot.
37:28It's on Apple.
37:29It starts tomorrow night.
37:31Very good.
37:31Tatiana, the lead is incredible.
37:33It was a ton of fun.
37:34Excellent.
37:34Well, it's very good to see you.
37:35Thanks for introducing us to your mom.
37:37Jake Johnson, everybody.
37:39Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed tomorrow on Apple TV.
37:42We'll be back with Dan and Jay.
37:49Thanks to Wadisites and Jake Johnson.
37:51Apologies to Matt Damon.
37:53Nightline is that good first.
37:54Our album Young comes out August 21st.
37:57Here with the song Say So, Dan and Shay.
38:14I got a call from a friend who don't call very often.
38:20Broke it to me and I couldn't believe that we lost it.
38:27Really felt like it came out of nowhere, but it never really comes out of nowhere.
38:33It's crazy the pain that we carry when nobody's watching.
38:39If your life burns out and you're in the dark.
38:43If you can't pick up the pieces.
38:46If the world you trust in falls apart.
38:50If your heart's worn out with reasons.
38:53I'll be there every time you go.
38:56Pick you up every time you go.
38:59If you're going through hell, you're not alone.
39:02If you need somebody to say so.
39:11Sometimes the words you don't know how to say are the loudest.
39:18No one can shoulder the weight if they don't know about it.
39:24Don't be scared.
39:25You can pull back the curtain.
39:28Love ain't afraid of sharing the burden.
39:31If there was a room full of people who care to be crowded.
39:36So, if your life burns out and you're in the dark.
39:41If you can't pick up the pieces.
39:44If the world you trust in falls apart.
39:47If your heart's worn out with reasons.
39:50I'll be there every time you go.
39:53Pick you up every time you fall.
39:57If you're going through hell, you're not alone.
40:00If you need somebody to say so.
40:15Hold on tight.
40:18The sun is gonna rise.
40:21So open up your eyes.
40:25Tomorrow is a brand new day.
40:35Hey, if your light burns out and you're in the dark.
40:45If you can't pick up the pieces.
40:48If the world you trust in falls apart.
40:51If your heart's worn out with reasons.
40:54I'll be there every time you go.
40:57Pick you up every time you fall.
41:01If you're going through hell, you're not alone.
41:04If you need somebody to say so.
41:09Mmm.
41:12Mmm.
41:16If you need somebody to say so.
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