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00:00:25Breaking news, actor Jason Biggs
00:00:27of American Pie fame was found dead
00:00:29in his Wind River home.
00:00:31The event brings this year's celebrity death toll to 27
00:00:33after Pope Francis' heart explosion
00:00:36last week. His estate wants
00:00:37to remind the world that Jason Biggs was
00:00:39a good guy, and we should all be very
00:00:41very sad. Authorities aren't
00:00:43ruling out foul play.
00:01:06Get fucked, Biggs!
00:01:12I heard, I heard
00:01:14the old man say
00:01:18Today, today's a holiday
00:01:22Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:01:26To-ra-yay
00:01:28To-ra-yay
00:01:35Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:01:57We'll work tomorrow but not today
00:02:00Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:02We'll work tomorrow but not today
00:02:04Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:07To-ra-yay
00:02:09Oh-oh
00:02:11To-ra-yay
00:02:14Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:17We're bowed away from Briscoe
00:02:19Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:21We're bowed away at the break of hay
00:02:24Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:26To-ra-yay
00:02:28Oh-oh
00:02:30To-ra-yay
00:02:33Yes, John, you're not gonna just be right, hey.
00:03:13so 35 we have a deal okay you got me 25 drive a hard bargain yeah look how much for
00:03:23this
00:03:23oh for you jake absolutely free take it it's yours
00:03:29no kidding okay you know a toaster like this would probably get you 27 dollars i doubt that
00:03:38it's a very nice thing i think i'll put it on my desk next to my computer
00:03:45i came by to give you a little going away advice you need to change the password on your wi
00:03:52-fi
00:03:53and the majority of your streaming accounts what do you mean type in some extra numbers or some
00:03:59big letters those go a long way jake are you saying you've been using my wi-fi
00:04:04is that why google keeps recommending different ketamine clinics i'm just saying i don't want
00:04:09people in your new building to take advantage of you the way some people might have been taking
00:04:15advantage of you here thanks jake good guy luke you deserve better okay oh hey janet respectfully
00:04:26janet i really think that we should just try it my way we're really going to miss you around
00:04:29here luke and not just your wi-fi and your streaming services you look like family were my passwords
00:04:35that easy to figure out where are you headed now ottawa canada watch your finger ottawa you got
00:04:42family up there something no no the only family i've left is an older brother but i haven't heard
00:04:47from him in years in fact i actually don't even know if he's dead or alive oh well that's dreadful
00:04:51because uh family is the most important thing there is family sticks together no matter what
00:05:01what was that what was what the random family sentiment you just read out loud what was that about
00:05:09uh i gotta go clinton how much you want for this it's beautiful what the hell this isn't mine
00:05:18who put this here you did no why would i have a painting of the pope eating tacos with bigfoot
00:05:24i
00:05:25mean i'm basically jewish for christ's sake that's a lie i've seen his penis man you know as luke is
00:05:31not
00:05:32circumcised quite the opposite he possesses a generous amount of foreskin making his dick look like the
00:05:37head of a baby elephant what who are you what is happening
00:05:48jeez louise
00:05:51ow
00:05:56danny bring it in danny
00:05:58ow ow ow god i'm sorry i'm sorry what happened are you okay yeah it's nothing really you should have
00:06:03seen the other guy yeah oh yeah he was driving the sickest mercedes when he plowed into me okay that
00:06:08looks really bad oh and that painting is from me mm-hmm oh you like it yeah man one more
00:06:16hug soft wow
00:06:18i can't
00:06:34argh
00:06:34so how's life living off-grid all this time
00:06:37that's fine until the grid got bigger after a while that became like one of todd simmons famous
00:06:43nosebleeds
00:06:43uh-huh wait
00:06:47so what's with the moving sale you moving somewhere uh very perceptive of you yeah yeah i know i'm uh
00:06:53heading up to ottawa canada ottawa oh you got a girlfriend up there or something no yeah you do
00:06:59you have a girlfriend in canada i wish yeah you gotta go all the way up there to get laid
00:07:05because
00:07:05you can't get laid here danny danny no sorry no i i am driving up today to start at the
00:07:12new paleontology
00:07:13research center
00:07:16what today today yeah well you can't leave today why not because i'm here now i want to hang out
00:07:23yeah
00:07:23but i start on monday oh
00:07:25fuck muffin
00:07:27i was really hoping to spend some time together before i start my new job in tucson next week
00:07:47i want to come with me really yeah you wouldn't mind no i i i've wanted to spend time with
00:07:53you
00:07:53too wow i'm impressed luke you really do have faith in your fellow man it's like todd simmons
00:08:00said faith is all about taking that initial step without first checking for scorpions yeah
00:08:06who is this todd simmons guy
00:08:16so tell me about the job in ottawa huh you happy with it beyond happy man it's like for the
00:08:22first
00:08:22time in my life everything's finally making sense you know and that's a good thing yeah of course it
00:08:27is i get to go on real digs with real paleontologists and you know what we're doing on my very
00:08:31first
00:08:31day how would i know that we're going to go to a dig site where they've already found a brand
00:08:35new
00:08:35species of cretaceous erytherapy and and they've already given her a name too snom is done snom is
00:08:40not yeah apparently she's massive and her femur bone is exactly five foot ten and a half inches long
00:08:47which is my precise height which is weird and neat right yeah i'm just happy you're happy yeah
00:08:54just don't freak out when you learn what actually killed the dinosaurs what do you mean
00:09:02no it's too soon i'm sorry i'm just gonna shut up now no no what do you think killed the
00:09:08dinosaurs
00:09:09danny well it wasn't a fucking meteor i'll tell you that
00:09:19what just so you know i i don't actually care that you believe in all this conspiracy theory
00:09:26stuff it honestly doesn't even bother conspiracy theory stuff just so you know all science is
00:09:32theory until proven otherwise did you know that galileo was once considered a conspiracy
00:09:35theory but just so you know even if somehow one of your crazy conspiracy theories just happened to be
00:09:41true nobody would believe you because you think everything is part of some massive conspiracy
00:09:45theory so you basically just be the boy who cried wolf oh just so you know the boy who cried
00:09:49wolf is
00:09:49a personal hero of mine of course he is think about it he tricked his entire town into thinking that
00:09:53a wolf was coming so by the end when the wolf actually came he had him all to himself and
00:09:57who
00:09:57doesn't want a little wolf
00:10:07it's just in jason bigg's death has been officially ruled a homicide the suspect is said bloody
00:10:13grisly murder should all be very sad according to this state
00:10:23so tell me about this job in tucson oh yeah i'm i'm really excited about it is it like an
00:10:31office
00:10:31job or the day i set foot in an office is the day i die yeah so what is it
00:10:36oh i can't say i signed an
00:10:38da well with who can't say that either well can you tell me anything about let me think no well
00:10:46come on you're not being chased by a bounty hunter or something are you jesus luke i'm not that guy
00:10:52anymore all right sorry sure at one point i was a little off my rocker sure at one point i
00:10:58ran for
00:10:58sheriff of daytona under the name deacon shrimp sure at one point i scammed the portuguese mafia out of
00:11:03a thousand fluid ounces of taiwanese ketamine what but i also know i haven't been the best big brother to
00:11:07you i left you all alone in that hellhole took out multiple houseboat loans in your name that was
00:11:12you but i'm a changed man now who's trying to get his life back on track and i need you
00:11:19to believe
00:11:19that uh yeah all right thank you i have no reason to lie to you man literally not one knock
00:11:28on wood
00:11:29sheriff's department sheriff's department
00:11:41uh
00:11:50hey oh yeah he's been here looks like his brother's helping him after all
00:11:54we're gonna need an additional 277 on luke davenport accomplice to wanted felon daniel davenport
00:12:08uh
00:12:11uh
00:12:13three months
00:12:15uh
00:12:16They sail away to sea
00:12:21Three martelots so young
00:12:24La-la-la-la-la-la-la
00:12:29Three martelots so young
00:12:32They sail from Britain
00:12:35Three martelots so young
00:12:40La-la-la-la-la-la-la
00:12:42Three martelots so young
00:12:44They sail away to sea
00:12:46Three martelots so young
00:12:48La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
00:12:50Three martelots so young
00:12:52They sail from Britain
00:12:54A storm began as they said sail
00:12:57The winds were going round there
00:12:59The winds were strong, the journey long
00:13:01They landed in Ukraine
00:13:02One incident said it was around the same time
00:13:05Bill Gates had Princess Di assassinated.
00:13:07And that's the fourth reason why one should never trust the Portuguese.
00:13:12What?
00:13:13Nothing.
00:13:14Oh seriously man what?
00:13:16No it's it's nothing never mind.
00:13:18I know that look.
00:13:19You're contemplating whether or not I'm back on my meds huh?
00:13:22How is that a look?
00:13:23Well I am okay?
00:13:25I mean do I look like Todd Simmons on a Spanish holiday?
00:13:27Who the fuck is Todd Simmons?
00:13:29I swear you have nothing to wor-
00:13:34What?
00:13:35What is it?
00:13:36Nothing.
00:13:36It's nothing.
00:13:38I'm just gonna go see if Old Man Waters still lives over there.
00:13:41I'll be right back.
00:13:42Old Man Waters?
00:13:42It's clearly made up.
00:13:44And it's my turn to drive.
00:14:06What the?
00:14:08Hands on the steering wheel.
00:14:10Now.
00:14:10Oh dear.
00:14:12I gotta hand it to ya.
00:14:13I thought I lost you back in Wind River.
00:14:16You banged me up good.
00:14:18I don't want your fucking money.
00:14:19Hands on the wheel.
00:14:20Do it now.
00:14:21Oh dear.
00:14:22Does this mean anything to you?
00:14:23Huh?
00:14:23It's a Taco Gary's taco.
00:14:27As in the TG Truce of 21.
00:14:29This Taco Gary?
00:14:31It's Taco Gary.
00:14:33This is a Mercedes right?
00:14:35I don't know.
00:14:36I don't know.
00:14:37It's my husband's car.
00:14:39We were using the restroom.
00:15:01God damn it.
00:15:02I'm truly sorry for mistaking you for a member of the Coalition.
00:15:05It was an honest mistake.
00:15:09I'm assuming you have the child lock on.
00:15:12Thank you ma'am.
00:15:14You have a lovely day.
00:15:37You okay?
00:15:39Not really man.
00:15:41I saw it.
00:15:42Fuck.
00:15:43Okay.
00:15:44Yeah.
00:15:44Putting a hunting knife to a grandmother's throat looks really bad on paper.
00:15:47But technically that was in self defense.
00:15:48What?
00:15:48No.
00:15:49I'm talking about these.
00:15:50Fucking M&M's man.
00:15:53Oh yeah.
00:15:54Me too.
00:15:55You're lying to me Danny.
00:15:56Again.
00:15:57Relax Luke.
00:15:58They're just anti-psychotics.
00:15:59Nothing bad's gonna happen.
00:16:00Not yet.
00:16:01But I refuse to be the idiot in the horror movie who sees all the dead animals and the
00:16:06ghost children yet doesn't get out.
00:16:08I feel like I'm being set up for disaster.
00:16:10If you would like me to take the regular pills that work I will.
00:16:13Okay?
00:16:14Pinky swear.
00:16:15I love you Danny.
00:16:16I do.
00:16:16But I'm in a new chapter in my life and I don't have time to accommodate you in your...
00:16:20Wait.
00:16:20What did you do to some grandma?
00:16:22Nothing.
00:16:23It's a metaphor.
00:16:26Where's my phone?
00:16:28You promise you won't get angry?
00:16:31Oh God.
00:16:32Look.
00:16:32For your own safety and for reasons I can't disclose yet I had to dispose of your phone via
00:16:37toilet at the gas station.
00:16:39Pull over.
00:16:39Why?
00:16:40We just stopped.
00:16:41Pull over!
00:16:41You guys calm down.
00:16:44What is happening right now?
00:16:48Where are you going?
00:16:51God damn it!
00:16:52What the fuck?
00:16:55Shit.
00:16:57Just wait.
00:16:58Just wait.
00:16:58Nope.
00:16:59It's over.
00:17:00You're not gonna talk me out of it.
00:17:01I know.
00:17:02I know.
00:17:03I understand.
00:17:04Fuck.
00:17:05I'm sorry.
00:17:06You know I hate taking that shit.
00:17:08It makes me feel too...
00:17:10Not me.
00:17:11Things make too much sense.
00:17:13That's a bad thing?
00:17:14Can you just get out of the car so I can give you a proper hug goodbye?
00:17:17Dude!
00:17:17I'll leave.
00:17:18I promise.
00:17:20This might be a really long time before I see you again.
00:17:23Just come out and give me one last hug and then I'm gone.
00:17:25Okay?
00:17:27Please?
00:17:38Love you man.
00:17:39Love you too.
00:17:41What the fuck was that?
00:17:43I know.
00:17:43I'm sorry.
00:17:44It's for your own good.
00:17:45Trust me.
00:17:45Trust me.
00:17:47You're okay.
00:17:49All right.
00:17:50That's it.
00:17:52You're okay.
00:17:57Good night sweet prince.
00:18:00They never show this part in the movies.
00:18:03How hard could it be?
00:18:40There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:18:42What?
00:18:45What?
00:18:45What happened?
00:18:46Where are we?
00:18:47What?
00:18:47You don't remember?
00:18:48Makes sense.
00:18:49You were pretty damn drunk.
00:18:51No.
00:18:52No.
00:18:52I...
00:18:52I remember.
00:18:54I...
00:18:54I couldn't find my phone and...
00:18:57And then...
00:18:58We...
00:18:59We got in an argument and...
00:19:05Holy shit.
00:19:06You...
00:19:07You...
00:19:08Okay fine.
00:19:09I injected you with some ketamine.
00:19:10But you were having a temper tantrum.
00:19:11Oh you're out of your mind.
00:19:13You're...
00:19:13You're...
00:19:14Oh god.
00:19:21There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:19:23God damn it!
00:19:24I know.
00:19:25This hurts me just as much as it hurts you.
00:19:27Why are you doing this to me?
00:19:29I...
00:19:30I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:19:32I kind of stumbled into some trouble and I sort of need to...
00:19:35How do I say this?
00:19:36Flee the country.
00:19:37So when I found out that you're going to Canada, I thought it was meant to be.
00:19:40You know?
00:19:40Like fate.
00:19:41What did you do?
00:19:41Nothing.
00:19:42I simply took something from someone deemed important.
00:19:45Why do you give it back?
00:19:46No.
00:19:47The world needs to see this.
00:19:49And I need your help.
00:19:50No!
00:19:50Come on Luke.
00:19:51You're family.
00:19:53And you know family is the most important thing of all.
00:19:55Family sticks together no matter what.
00:19:59Paid my neighbor to say that.
00:20:01Didn't you?
00:20:01Look it's not my fault your neighbor didn't take the extra five minutes to memorize his fucking lines.
00:20:05Whatever.
00:20:05It doesn't matter.
00:20:06The fact is, I love you.
00:20:08And you're the only one that I can truly trust.
00:20:10And you have a valid passport.
00:20:11And we kind of look like each other.
00:20:12I can't believe I fell for this.
00:20:14No.
00:20:15No.
00:20:16No, no, no.
00:20:17Help!
00:20:18Come here you little rascal.
00:20:21Stop doing that!
00:20:23Look I'm begging you man.
00:20:24I need your help.
00:20:25And I need to borrow your identity one last time.
00:20:27Just try to see the forest through the trees.
00:20:29It's for the trees you idiot.
00:20:32And the answer is no.
00:20:34I am not going to risk my chance at happiness for you.
00:20:37Thing is Luke, I don't think you have any other options.
00:20:41Of course I do.
00:20:42I'll just suck it up and fly there.
00:20:44Truck's worthless anyway and all my important stuff is already in my new place.
00:20:47Yeah but you can't book a flight without your phone and your wallet.
00:20:50God damn it, where is my wallet Danny?
00:20:55It's in safe hands.
00:20:56You'll get it once we cross the border.
00:20:57I know that look.
00:20:58You want to cause me physical harm.
00:21:00But right now I'm your best and only option.
00:21:02You'll still get there on time, I promise.
00:21:04Any questions?
00:21:05Can I at least have my shirt back?
00:21:07No.
00:21:07Oh!
00:21:08And there's something else I need to give you.
00:21:09Now you're probably not ready to hear this, but that right there is a highly advanced homing beacon.
00:21:13This is a Rubik's suit covered in black sharpie.
00:21:16Trust me, that's the highest of high tech.
00:21:17I do not trust you.
00:21:18And don't ask me how I got it.
00:21:20I'll just say it involves a full figured Bigfoot suit, a live chicken, and a shit ton of ketamine.
00:21:24Now, in the off chance that we get separated, you press this part down right here and I'll know exactly
00:21:28where you are.
00:21:30Oh shit, get down!
00:21:31What?
00:21:31Get down!
00:21:32No!
00:21:32At least take a knee!
00:21:33Oh shit, the truck's been made.
00:21:37Oh thank God.
00:21:38What?
00:21:38What?
00:21:39If you tattletail, I swear you'll never make it to your job.
00:21:41I'll tell them you're the mastermind behind all this.
00:21:43How are you gonna do that?
00:21:44You really should rethink your password.
00:21:46Just add a few numbers or big letters, those go a long way.
00:21:49What have you been doing?
00:21:50Enough to make it seem like you and I have been accomplices all along, but if you stick with me,
00:21:53I'll clear your name. Pinky swear.
00:21:54God damn it!
00:21:55That's okay, brother.
00:21:56I intended for plan A to fail.
00:21:58This is all part of the plan.
00:21:59We're just gonna skip ahead to step 17.
00:22:02WWTSD.
00:22:03What would Todd Simmons do?
00:22:05How many hand grenades do you have on your person?
00:22:06Dead.
00:22:07On second thought, we don't need a truck.
00:22:08Well, my passport isn't there.
00:22:09God damn it!
00:22:10Luke, what were you thinking?
00:22:11I was unconscious!
00:22:12I could say that again.
00:22:13That's them!
00:22:14Plan C.
00:22:15Run!
00:22:15You'll never catch us!
00:22:17We're very armed and extremely deranged!
00:22:19Why would you say that?
00:22:20No, no, no!
00:22:20We're not!
00:22:21I'm not!
00:22:22I'm not!
00:22:22Fuck!
00:22:26This way!
00:22:27Please!
00:22:28Wait!
00:22:42Whoa!
00:22:45Like a spider?
00:22:46Hey!
00:22:52Ah!
00:23:01Whoa!
00:23:33Shit.
00:23:34Hey, Dad.
00:23:45We need some salt.
00:23:48Come on. Fuck. I'm so fucked.
00:23:51Why did you say that?
00:23:53That is nothing compared to what I told the authorities we've been doing for the last few weeks.
00:23:56No, you! Not we! You!
00:23:58Shut up! This is all happening according to the new plan that I just thought of.
00:24:02All we need is a ride so I can connect with an associate I have in the area, and that
00:24:06guy's perfect.
00:24:08Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
00:24:09I'm gonna tell him that my fiancé's dog, Stanley McRuffRuff, was stolen by a one-eyed Portuguese man,
00:24:14and we're on a desperate and inspiring rescue mission.
00:24:16Why would anyone believe that?
00:24:18Because no one wants to believe the truth anymore, man.
00:24:20And people don't let strangers with no pants ride in their car willy-nilly.
00:24:23Why are you still no pants?
00:24:24Bingo bombo.
00:24:26What the fuck?
00:24:30You know, if something happened to my little ruff ruff, I'd do the same thing, damn Portuguese.
00:24:36Amen, brother.
00:24:38Oh, right. For your information, I've kidnapped my brother, and I'm forcing him to come along against his will.
00:24:44He wants to let you know in case you're a witness in a trial that'll never happen.
00:24:48Brothers, huh?
00:24:50I guess y'all do smell pretty similar.
00:24:56Danny, what the fuck are you doing?
00:24:57These are the exact coordinates. I triple-checked.
00:24:59Oh, excuse me. Sir, do you mind driving me to the hospital? I've been kidnapped!
00:25:04Nice try, Luke, but no one wants to believe the truth anymore. Just let me work.
00:25:08Now that neither of us have a passport because you're irresponsible,
00:25:11we're gonna require the services of a badger.
00:25:13It's like a Canadian coyote. She'll help us cross the border.
00:25:26Let's talk.
00:25:28No running, Eric!
00:25:33It's nice to see you again, Allison.
00:25:35It's been a while.
00:25:36This is my little brother, Luke.
00:25:39Ah, I know that look. You're sexually attracted to her, aren't you?
00:25:44So, where are you two heading?
00:25:45I'm trying to get to Ottawa before Monday, and he's a wanted felon.
00:25:49Ottawa.
00:25:51Wait, you guys got family up there or something?
00:25:54Eric, slow the fuck down!
00:25:55You're a good brother, you know, helping Danny out like this.
00:25:58That man has opened my eyes to a lot of truths.
00:26:02Did you know there's a metropolis of squid people living directly beneath Santa Fe, New Mexico?
00:26:10I'm just playing. I don't believe in that kind of stuff.
00:26:12Push it, Eric. Push it.
00:26:14God damn it, Eric.
00:26:15I don't get it. You seem so...
00:26:17Look, when Danny called me up asking if I knew a badger, I just went,
00:26:20screw it. I'll be your badger.
00:26:22I've got nothing else to do right now.
00:26:23And Danny always knows how to spin nothing to something crazy and fun.
00:26:26This is not fun.
00:26:28Okay, before Danny came back, things in my life were just finally starting to make sense.
00:26:33And that's a good thing?
00:26:34Danny will clear your name. He's gotten me out of much tighter chance than this, trust me.
00:26:38And who knows, maybe by the end you'll no longer see this cup as half-empty like me.
00:26:41Oh yeah? Why's that?
00:26:42Because I stopped wearing contacts. Can't see shit now.
00:26:44I just made contact with an associate of mine.
00:26:47He's going to provide us with a new vehicle and weaponry.
00:26:49Can he be trusted?
00:26:50Oh yeah. We ran a lot of jobs together back in Pismo.
00:26:53No, no, no, no, Danny.
00:26:54Please tell me you're not talking about Clio.
00:26:56I don't know what you'd like me to say then.
00:26:59Danny, come on. Isn't he like the president of the Flat Earth Society?
00:27:01No, not anymore.
00:27:03He knows the world is a three-dimensional isosceles triangle.
00:27:05Don't worry.
00:27:06He said to meet him at these coordinates.
00:27:09Jesus Christ!
00:27:11Relax, baby. You're in a sauna.
00:27:13This is definitely the spot. I quadruple-checked the coordinates.
00:27:16Wait, you said his name was Clio?
00:27:17Yeah. He purposely misspells his name to make himself harder to track.
00:27:21It's very smart.
00:27:24Come with me.
00:27:29Were you followed?
00:27:30No, I don't think so.
00:27:32What about that guy?
00:27:33Nope, he's not one of them.
00:27:35Well, who's the sheep?
00:27:37That's my little brother, Luke.
00:27:39Can you be trusted?
00:27:40Yeah, 100%. He's my brother.
00:27:42So you found yourself a badger.
00:27:44Best in the business.
00:27:46Only the best for Danny.
00:27:47Okay, guys, can we please just hurry this up?
00:27:49How can I help?
00:27:50They need to get to Ottawa.
00:27:52Ottawa.
00:27:54And no, we don't have any family.
00:27:57Wait.
00:27:59You're going to Ottawa?
00:28:01There's no way you stole what I think you stole.
00:28:03Maybe I did.
00:28:05Oh, you really got it, huh?
00:28:06Then whip it out and show it to me.
00:28:17You didn't realize that it's worth upwards of 27.7 million USD.
00:28:23He's exaggerating.
00:28:24Besides, it's not for sale.
00:28:25Now, can you help us with the vehicle and weaponry or not?
00:28:28You've been so full.
00:28:32Yes, yes, I can.
00:28:36Take your pick.
00:28:37Is this your entire inventory?
00:28:39Yeah.
00:28:40My mom isn't CEO of Gucci Vuitton, I'm sorry to say.
00:28:43Huh.
00:28:46This one doesn't have any side mirrors.
00:28:49Yeah.
00:28:49I wanted to kick them off to decrease wind resistance.
00:28:53Smart.
00:28:59Oh, impressive.
00:29:01If you want anything, all this stuff is 30% off.
00:29:13Hey, sheep.
00:29:15Hey, Baba sheep.
00:29:16Hey.
00:29:17Hey.
00:29:19You going to answer me or not?
00:29:20What was the question again?
00:29:21If Grover Cleveland showed up right here, right now, right next to you,
00:29:26and you got to ask him one question, what would it be?
00:29:28I don't know.
00:29:29I guess I'd ask him what he thought about current events and stuff.
00:29:34Wrong.
00:29:34Mm-mm.
00:29:35Okay.
00:29:36Clio, what would you ask him?
00:29:38How he did it.
00:29:40How he did what?
00:29:41Time travel.
00:29:42How did a man that size show up right here, right now, right next to you?
00:29:46That didn't weird you out or anything?
00:29:47That didn't spring up a bunch of questions in your mind?
00:29:50Daddy, we already got the car, man.
00:29:51Can we just go?
00:29:52Jesus, be careful, man.
00:29:54Relax.
00:29:55It's not even loaded.
00:29:56Whoa, Danny.
00:29:57What the fuck are you doing?
00:29:58What?
00:29:58There's nothing to worry about.
00:30:00See?
00:30:02Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
00:30:05Clio, you son of a bitch.
00:30:07You were trying to rip me off.
00:30:08Bullshit.
00:30:09You probably had the safety on.
00:30:10It's off.
00:30:11Look.
00:30:13That is not how you test it.
00:30:16Let me see.
00:30:17What?
00:30:17Jesus, what is the matter with you guys?
00:30:19God.
00:30:21I don't understand it.
00:30:22It randomly discharged this morning.
00:30:24It should work.
00:30:25Hmm.
00:30:29Wouldn't it be funny if it just randomly went off right now?
00:30:35I mean, a little.
00:30:41Hey, Mommy, you want a taco?
00:30:43Okay.
00:30:44You're lost.
00:30:55Hey, hey, Bubba, next question.
00:30:57If you could have brunch with one person, living, dead, or ghost, who would it be?
00:31:02My former self.
00:31:03Do you remind me to never, ever trust my brother?
00:31:06Seriously, if I miss out on this dig, I will literally shoot you.
00:31:09Wrong answer, pal.
00:31:10Okay, Clio.
00:31:12What's the right one, then?
00:31:13Todd Simmons.
00:31:14Okay, well, someone please just tell me who the fuck this Todd Simmons guy is.
00:31:18Oh, shit!
00:31:19Oh, my God!
00:31:21I told you it worked!
00:31:23Oh, fuck!
00:31:24Oh, fuck!
00:31:25I've been fucking shot!
00:31:26You sure that wasn't there the whole time?
00:31:28God, no!
00:31:28Call 911!
00:31:29I'm fine.
00:31:30It's just a BB.
00:31:30Fuck you, Danny.
00:31:31It hurts!
00:31:32Check for an exit wound.
00:31:35Somebody help me!
00:31:36Somebody help me!
00:31:37Bring it!
00:31:39Somebody!
00:31:41Not like that, you idiot!
00:31:47Badger, go upstairs to my room and get the band-aids for my grenade drawer.
00:31:51On it.
00:31:51All right, we gotta restrain him, because I'm gonna suck the bullet out.
00:31:55What the fuck?
00:31:55That's what you do with snake film!
00:31:57Yeah, that doesn't sound right.
00:31:58Trust me.
00:31:58I'm a doctor.
00:31:59Well, really?
00:32:00If you're a doctor, let's see your badge.
00:32:03Checks out.
00:32:03Proceed, Clio.
00:32:04What the fuck?
00:32:06Oh, gross.
00:32:08He's vaccinated.
00:32:11Somebody call that one!
00:32:12Do I want you, please?
00:32:14I got it.
00:32:15It's okay.
00:32:16I'll take care of you, all right?
00:32:19No!
00:32:20It's just enough to ease the pain.
00:32:22How about we make our own exit wound?
00:32:24I'm gonna push the bullet all the way through you.
00:32:28Wait, wait, what is happening?
00:32:29What does it look like we're making an exit wound?
00:32:32Move, let me try.
00:32:33Run up!
00:32:34Oh, shit, sorry, sorry.
00:32:35I'm going to the bathroom.
00:32:40Okay.
00:32:41All right, okay.
00:32:44Oh, wow.
00:32:45That was satisfying.
00:32:47Everything's gonna be fine.
00:32:52Oh, fuck, Muffet.
00:32:55Clio, Clio.
00:33:03She must have just bought it.
00:33:04I swear, I didn't know.
00:33:05Well, now they know.
00:33:06Oh, easy, easy.
00:33:07He's pretty dazed.
00:33:10Run.
00:33:11Run!
00:33:11Run!
00:33:11Shut the fuck up.
00:33:12Come on, come on.
00:33:14Check it.
00:33:27Go, go, go, go, go!
00:33:31Oh, fuck, Muffet.
00:33:34I think I just pissed my pants.
00:33:36We being followed?
00:33:37I don't know.
00:33:37I can't tell without any side view mirrors.
00:33:41Shit.
00:33:42Is that them?
00:33:43I think so.
00:33:44Good thing I called shotgun.
00:33:46Whoa, what the fuck are you doing, Danny?
00:33:48Calm down.
00:33:48It's okay, all right?
00:33:50I'm just gonna shoot out the tires.
00:33:52No blood shall be spilled this day.
00:33:54I mean, no additional blood.
00:33:57God damn it.
00:33:58Clio, this one's busted too.
00:34:00No, doy.
00:34:00Why do you think it was in the parking lot?
00:34:02Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
00:34:04What do we do, man?
00:34:04The only thing we can do, we gotta get to a Taco Gary's.
00:34:07It's neutral territory.
00:34:09No member of the Coalition can do business inside of a Taco Gary's restaurant.
00:34:12Can you please let me out of the car?
00:34:13It's the truth, non-believer.
00:34:15When the Coalition was founded, fights broke out for tickets off-world.
00:34:18The head elders declared their favorite restaurant, Taco Gary's, as a safe zone.
00:34:22Violators of the safe zone had their eyes melted and their souls sold on the galactic slave market.
00:34:28It's not that bad.
00:34:30He's exaggerating.
00:34:31The galactic slave market closed about seven years ago.
00:34:33Okay, just keep going straight.
00:34:35I think there's one just over Jeremani Ridge.
00:34:36Copy that.
00:34:56Get in, get in.
00:35:00Get in.
00:35:00Get in.
00:35:02Get in.
00:35:03Shh.
00:35:03Oh, shit.
00:35:04Oh, shit.
00:35:04Oh, shit.
00:35:05Oh, shit.
00:35:05Oh, shit.
00:35:07Oh, shit.
00:35:07Oh, shit.
00:35:07I'm sorry.
00:35:11Danny.
00:35:12It's okay.
00:35:13Stop staring.
00:35:14We're safe for now.
00:35:15We're safe for now, but how the heck are we going to get out of here alive?
00:35:23I don't know.
00:35:23Are you guys sure she wants to kill us?
00:35:25Mm-hmm.
00:35:26What she wants is what I stole.
00:35:27And she'll happily string us up by her testicles to get it.
00:35:30And your vagina.
00:35:31Sorry.
00:35:32You should go before you're implicated any further.
00:35:35You can shove that idea.
00:35:37Because I'm going with you guys.
00:35:38All the way to Ottawa.
00:35:40I got to see this thing through.
00:35:41No.
00:35:42I can't be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:35:44Oh, but this guy gets to go?
00:35:46This useless piece of this guy?
00:35:48No way.
00:35:49Probably couldn't shoot a pheasant out of the sky with a sightless crossbow.
00:35:52But you know who can?
00:35:54Cash Israel.
00:35:55Yo.
00:35:56You're not friends with him.
00:35:57Yes, I am.
00:35:58You guys are talking to me.
00:35:59Yeah, we're talking and we're tight.
00:36:00And he told me one thing.
00:36:02He said, I'm going to teach you everything I know, pal.
00:36:04And then he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
00:36:06Look, what I have here is worth 27.7 million USD.
00:36:11I can...
00:36:12I cannot be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:36:16Fine.
00:36:17I'll leave.
00:36:19I'll leave.
00:36:20But I'm not going out without...
00:36:23What is this?
00:36:26It's not friggin' heavy.
00:36:28What the...
00:36:29It's bolted.
00:36:37Fine.
00:36:40Goddammit.
00:36:43Okay.
00:36:45Clio's alive.
00:36:47Well, what are you doing?
00:36:48Jesus.
00:36:49Are you that unaware?
00:36:50I am done with all of this.
00:36:52Okay.
00:36:52I'm taking whatever he's stolen.
00:36:53I'm calling the police.
00:36:54You can't do that.
00:36:56What about getting to Ottawa on time, huh?
00:36:57If I stay with you, I'll probably never make it out.
00:36:59Do my fucking thing.
00:37:00Go take it!
00:37:02Did you take something out of here?
00:37:04Huh?
00:37:05What the hell?
00:37:08What the fuck?
00:37:14You truce-breaking fuck!
00:37:16What happened to Taco Gary's piece?
00:37:18I beg your pardon?
00:37:19Don't play dumb with me.
00:37:21I know you're a member of the Coalition.
00:37:22Danny!
00:37:23Danny!
00:37:29No, no, Kyle.
00:37:31No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:37:32Fuck!
00:37:33Fuck!
00:37:34Fuck!
00:37:35God damn it!
00:37:37I swear to God, I'm gonna rip off his fucking head, shove it up his ass and fuck-
00:37:41Shut up!
00:37:45Listen to me.
00:37:46Very closely.
00:37:48You're fucking insane.
00:37:49What?
00:37:51What?
00:37:51No, there is no but, asshole.
00:37:53Wow.
00:37:54I can't believe my own brother's turning against me, too.
00:37:57Of course you can't believe it, because it's the truth.
00:37:59Look at me.
00:37:59I have been shot and stabbed and drugged and fucking kidnapped all in the last 16 hours.
00:38:04I know this sounds crazy, but it's still all part of the plan, okay?
00:38:07I don't like seeing you like this.
00:38:09You know how hard it is for me?
00:38:09Oh, my God!
00:38:10Are you actually trying to play the victim right now?
00:38:11Seriously?
00:38:12You have got to be the most selfishly psychotic fuck-up on the entire plan!
00:38:17And I am not gonna let you ruin my life anymore!
00:38:21Wait, don't-
00:38:21You can't go.
00:38:23This whole trip is about you.
00:38:27Mom and Dad were right to cut you out of their lives.
00:38:30And my only regret is that I didn't do the same.
00:38:34You are what's wrong with this world, Danny.
00:38:39Never contact me again.
00:38:45You coming?
00:38:49Come on, Allison.
00:38:51You are clearly a smart person.
00:38:53If you want some excitement in your life, just buy a Vespa.
00:38:55All right, it's a lot safer than all this!
00:39:05I'm gonna stay with Danny.
00:39:08Okay!
00:39:10Okay!
00:39:11Am I the last same person left in this entire country?!
00:39:16Okay!
00:39:17Okay!
00:39:18It's okay.
00:39:19Just let him cool off a little bit.
00:39:20He ain't going far.
00:39:21You want a burrito?
00:39:22I'm starving.
00:39:24Okay.
00:39:42Uh, excuse me.
00:39:44Hey, uh, can-can I use your phone?
00:39:46I'm not allowed to let customers use the phone.
00:39:49Use your own damn phone.
00:39:50All right.
00:39:51Well, that is a very good idea, except it has been stolen,
00:39:54hence why I'm asking to borrow yours.
00:39:56Customs aren't allowed.
00:39:57Well, it's an emergency.
00:39:58What kind of emergency?
00:39:59Well, I have been kidnapped and shot, for one.
00:40:02You've been shot?
00:40:03You think I'm dumb?
00:40:05This motherfucker.
00:40:07Would it help if I told you that my fiancé's dog has been kidnapped
00:40:09by a one-eyed Portuguese man, and I need to tell the police about it?
00:40:13Of course.
00:40:26911, what's your emergency?
00:40:28Yes, hello, hi.
00:40:28My name is Luke Davenport, and I have been kidnapped by my brother Danny Davenport.
00:40:32I believe he is wanted, or maybe we both are, but I am the victim here.
00:40:36I was the one who was kidnapped, and I have been drugged, and I have been shot, and-
00:40:40One moment, please.
00:40:45So, what brings you out here?
00:40:48Were you not listening?
00:40:49Well, it all got right.
00:40:52Is your brother currently with you?
00:40:54No, he is not.
00:40:55What's your location?
00:40:57Hey, what's the name of this place?
00:40:59Huh?
00:41:00What's that?
00:41:01Where are we?
00:41:04You know, if anything happens to my little ruff ruff, I'll do the same.
00:41:08I don't-
00:41:13I'll turn your fucking head.
00:41:15I'll turn your fucking head.
00:41:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm on your side.
00:41:18Oh, man, man, man, man, your side.
00:41:20I don't really sound like that.
00:41:21Come on.
00:41:22Oh, what the fuck is that?
00:41:23Sir, that's my penis.
00:41:25Wow.
00:41:25Very nice.
00:41:26It's very nice.
00:41:27But a lot of skill.
00:41:28What's wrong with that?
00:41:28What's happening there?
00:41:29What?
00:41:29No.
00:41:29You don't understand.
00:41:30I would take it against my will.
00:41:31I-
00:41:32Shut the fuck up.
00:41:34No, it's-it's Danny that you want, and I can tell you where he's going.
00:41:38You think I'm done?
00:41:40Ah, he's going to Ottawa.
00:41:42Him and your other accomplice.
00:41:43The kooky guy with the beautiful hair.
00:41:45They are not my accomplices.
00:41:47So you do think I'm done?
00:41:48Okay.
00:41:49That's how we're gonna play it?
00:41:50No, listen, I just-I just-I need to talk to a lawyer, okay?
00:41:52I-I do get one phone call.
00:41:53Oh, my friend.
00:41:54That is what you're wrong.
00:41:56You see, I'm not the police.
00:41:57And you don't get to call nobody.
00:42:01What?
00:42:09Come on.
00:42:10What's up, man?
00:42:11What?
00:42:12How close are they?
00:42:13Come on.
00:42:14Come on.
00:42:14Come on.
00:42:14Come on.
00:42:15Come on.
00:42:15Come on.
00:42:16Come on.
00:42:20Come on.
00:42:21Come on.
00:42:22Come on.
00:42:33Come on.
00:42:35Come on.
00:42:36What is this place?
00:42:37My summer bomb shelter, of course.
00:42:40Jason Biggs.
00:42:41What?
00:42:42Were you expecting Todd Simmons or something?
00:42:44Uh-oh.
00:42:46That was good.
00:42:47Oh, my goodness.
00:42:47That was fantastic.
00:42:51You're supposed to be dead.
00:42:52God, you look terrible, buddy.
00:42:54Tiago, did you offer him a drink?
00:42:55I did not.
00:42:56What about some mango?
00:42:56I could slice one up for you.
00:42:58I'm okay.
00:43:00What do you think, Tiago?
00:43:01Should we, like, tie him up or something?
00:43:03Is that a good idea?
00:43:03You know, it's really whatever you feel, Jason.
00:43:05I don't know, Tiago.
00:43:06That's why I was asking you.
00:43:08Do we even have rope?
00:43:09Oh, we have rope.
00:43:10Come on.
00:43:10Okay, great.
00:43:10Then we might as well use it, right?
00:43:12Mm-hmm.
00:43:13Maybe some duct tape for his mouth?
00:43:15Huh?
00:43:16How's that look?
00:43:17Perfect.
00:43:17Great.
00:43:18Well done, Tiago.
00:43:19Go have yourself some mango.
00:43:21Hey, I don't want to be rude, but I'm kind of, like, up to here with mangoes for the day.
00:43:31Suit yourself.
00:43:33Lots of good mangoes not being taken advantage of.
00:43:36Sure.
00:43:36So, you are probably wondering, why haven't we shot you in the face yet?
00:43:41Mm-hmm.
00:43:42It's because we need your brother, the criminal, formerly known as Sheriff Deacon Shrimp.
00:43:49You see, I am the victim here, okay?
00:43:53Sure.
00:43:54Myself and thousands of others may be faking our death in order to, well, I'm sure you know
00:44:01all that.
00:44:03What's that?
00:44:10Do you get...
00:44:10What?
00:44:11Just one more time.
00:44:14This is making me so uncomfortable.
00:44:16This whole, like, you know, tied up interrogation vibe, it makes me feel like the bad guy.
00:44:20And you're not the bad guy.
00:44:21Exactly.
00:44:21You are the victim.
00:44:23Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Yeah, a little bit.
00:44:25Scaling it back.
00:44:25Okay.
00:44:31Nope.
00:44:32Oh, okay.
00:44:35How does this look, Tiago?
00:44:36Yeah, you know, it looks like two guys just casually enjoying mangoes.
00:44:40Perfect.
00:44:41Perfect.
00:44:42Yeah, great.
00:44:42Great.
00:44:43Now, where was I?
00:44:44Ah, yes.
00:44:45The point is, I am not hurting anyone.
00:44:49But if I don't have my ticket, this whole charade would be for naught.
00:44:54Right?
00:44:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:55Right.
00:44:56So, I need you to contact your brother and explain the situation.
00:45:00What is the situation?
00:45:01That I'm being held hostage?
00:45:04Hold up.
00:45:05Whoa.
00:45:06Wait a minute.
00:45:07Stop that.
00:45:08Yikes.
00:45:09Whew, big word.
00:45:09No, that's, uh, ooh, that word.
00:45:11And again, I am not the bad guy.
00:45:15Okay?
00:45:16You know what?
00:45:17Yep.
00:45:17Tiago?
00:45:18Yep.
00:45:18Bring the ropes back.
00:45:20Okay, much better.
00:45:22Much better.
00:45:23Now, you need to inform your brother that he has 24 hours to find that Kyle friend of
00:45:29his.
00:45:30Uh, it's, it's Clyle.
00:45:32What?
00:45:32His name is Clyle.
00:45:34Are you, like, stuttering?
00:45:35Or is...
00:45:35No, it's Clyle.
00:45:37Clyle?
00:45:38With, uh, the Nell song?
00:45:39Yeah.
00:45:40Oh.
00:45:40K-L?
00:45:41Y-L-E.
00:45:42Oh.
00:45:43Stupid name.
00:45:44Yeah.
00:45:45That does explain, though, why he's been so difficult to track.
00:45:47He got you.
00:45:48Yeah.
00:45:48Very clever.
00:45:49Very clever.
00:45:50Yeah.
00:45:50Regardless.
00:45:51You need to facilitate returning what is rightfully mine.
00:45:56Or...
00:45:57This dog gets it.
00:45:59Who, whose dog is that?
00:46:01Lives are on the line here!
00:46:04Don't make Tiago become the bad guy.
00:46:06I'll do it, but I don't want to.
00:46:07Daddy doesn't even have a cell phone.
00:46:09There's literally no way to contact him.
00:46:10Oh, well, in that case, Tiago.
00:46:12Bye-bye, puppy!
00:46:12No, no, no!
00:46:13Wait, wait, wait, wait!
00:46:14I just remembered!
00:46:15He gave me this!
00:46:19Damn it.
00:46:20Oopsie.
00:46:20Tiago?
00:46:21Yep?
00:46:23Did we not frisk him?
00:46:24I did!
00:46:25I did, Jason.
00:46:25I swear.
00:46:26It's just I got super distracted by his massive amount of foreskin, man.
00:46:30It was like tickling a sharp paint, man.
00:46:32You could feel all that?
00:46:33Dude, you can see it!
00:46:35Oh, my God.
00:46:36Wow.
00:46:37You can see it.
00:46:38Yep.
00:46:39Very nice.
00:46:40What is it?
00:46:41I don't know.
00:46:41He told me it's like a locating beacon for if we ever get separated.
00:46:47This is obviously just a black Rubik's Cube.
00:46:50Well, I see what's happening.
00:46:51You think we're done.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:53Nope.
00:46:54No.
00:46:54Not at all.
00:46:56I know my tech, and that is definitely some elder high tech right there.
00:47:00Okay, fine.
00:47:02How does it work, Smart Guy?
00:47:03I...
00:47:04I don't know.
00:47:08Um...
00:47:08What if I just like twist it?
00:47:10Good thinking.
00:47:10Great.
00:47:11Your turn.
00:47:12Oh!
00:47:12Oh!
00:47:13Oh!
00:47:14Oh!
00:47:14Oh!
00:47:14Oh!
00:47:14Oh!
00:47:14Oh!
00:47:14Oh!
00:47:15Oh!
00:47:15Oh!
00:47:17Oh!
00:47:19Oh!
00:47:19Oh!
00:47:19Oh!
00:47:19Oh!
00:47:19Oh!
00:47:19Oh!
00:47:19Oh!
00:47:19Oh!
00:47:20Oh!
00:47:21Oh!
00:47:21Oh!
00:47:22Oh!
00:47:24Oh!
00:47:36Bored a worm, spins a cocoon, goes to sleep, wakes up a butterfly, oh what the fuck is
00:47:48that about, what the fuck is that about, there's Mr. Sleepyhead, what happened? I don't know, you were just having
00:48:15one crazy ass nightmare or something, I'm just kidding, Jason?
00:48:18Jason Biggs really did kidnap you, I figured you'd wander off at some point and get snagged by one of
00:48:23his minions, so the beacon I gave you was actually an elder stun grenade.
00:48:29What the fuck is going on? I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:48:36No shit! The police aren't the only ones that are after me, I had in my possession extremely classified information,
00:48:42proof that aliens not only exist but have been living amongst us since the 1996 Summer Olympics.
00:48:51You just had your first run in with a member of the coalition, they're a group of tech giants and
00:48:56celebrities and politicians who have been secretly dealing with said extraterrestrial beings, we call them elders, selling earth's natural resources
00:49:03for decades.
00:49:10The coalition agreed to let the elders suck the earth dry under two conditions, one, that they would provide space
00:49:15shuttles to go to a new habitable world and two, that they'd get 10% of the back end.
00:49:24Why do you think so many rich and famous people have been dying at such a rapid pace these last
00:49:28few years? Take Jason Biggs for instance, it's because they're not dying, they're covering up for the fact that they're
00:49:33leaving this godforsaken rock for greener pastures!
00:49:35I didn't believe it either until I saw Jason Biggs face down in a mango.
00:49:39It might be the most insane conspiracy theory on the planet but if everything Danny is saying is true then
00:49:43we gotta do something about it.
00:49:45I don't care. Stop involving me in this.
00:49:50We wanna let the world know that the planet is being sold off by the coalition.
00:49:54I don't care! I just wanna go to Ottawa, that's it!
00:49:58We're gonna make it to Ottawa and you're gonna get there on time.
00:50:00And once the whistle is blown no one can touch us.
00:50:02Like Snowden and other tattletales, we'll be protected and our names will be cleared.
00:50:06But you're gonna have to stick with us, okay buddy? How do you feel about that?
00:50:20Goddamn coalition. We don't have time for this.
00:50:23Ooh!
00:50:35You alright?
00:50:36I just wanted a better life.
00:50:39A fresh start in a new place.
00:50:41You'll get it. One way or another.
00:50:44Look at what he's done to me.
00:50:48Oh wait. You can't. Because you prefer to be blind!
00:50:54This isn't normal!
00:50:55There's no such thing as normal, Luke.
00:50:57Look, I used to have a strong narrative that I believed in.
00:51:00But after my mom's death and losing everything to a house built fire,
00:51:03I realized the only way I was gonna survive this chaotic world is if I just kept admitting to myself
00:51:08that I don't get it.
00:51:09I had to accept the absurdity. Accept the chaos. Accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
00:51:14Okay, thanks.
00:51:15We gotta go. Right now.
00:51:24Hey, boss. I just have like a couple of notes, but like I don't want you to take this the
00:51:29wrong way. Okay?
00:51:30Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure.
00:51:32Okay, sometimes I feel like we can like shorten the time between like talking to the people and like killing
00:51:39them.
00:51:40That's a good note. Good note. Thank you.
00:51:42You know the power that you exude when you like say less is wow.
00:51:47I understand what you're saying. I get it. I get it. Thank you, Tiago.
00:51:50Like do you though?
00:51:51Yes, Tiago. I said I get it.
00:51:53God.
00:51:59I have what you seek. If you'd like to end this race, come to the following coordinates with $27.7
00:52:05million in a large Gucci Vuitton briefcase.
00:52:09This is quiet, by the way. You know I don't mess around.
00:52:19I don't turn this off. I was not cheating.
00:52:26Did you hear that?
00:52:29No, I'm pretty far away.
00:52:30What?
00:52:31No, because I'm pretty far away.
00:52:33Okay.
00:52:35Hey, Tiago. What rhymes with 1230 AM?
00:52:39Phlegm.
00:52:39Phlegm. Okay. Yeah. I can make that work.
00:52:42Huh. Looks like Clio just crossed the border.
00:52:45How do you know?
00:52:46Same reason I knew where Luke was. Microchips.
00:52:49You see, your soccer mom conspiracy theorist thinks that the government tracks us through vaccines.
00:52:53Not true. In fact, not even the elders have that kind of tech.
00:52:56No, it's anytime you go get your teeth cleaned or cavity filled, the dentists inject you with microchips.
00:53:01So you're saying all dentists are actually undercover government agents?
00:53:04Contractors, yes. Think about it.
00:53:05I mean, have you ever met a dentist that doesn't seem like they're hiding some horrible secret?
00:53:09The answer is no.
00:53:11So, what's our plan for crossing, Badger?
00:53:13Oh.
00:53:14Ha.
00:53:15Ha-ha.
00:53:16Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:53:18Ha.
00:53:18Now it's time for you to get a taste of your own bullshit.
00:53:21Go on. Tell him, Allison.
00:53:22Tell him that you're not really a badger or whatever the fucker.
00:53:25No, no, no. Better yet.
00:53:25Why don't you say, I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:31Luke, I don't think you-
00:53:32No, no, no. Just tell him the truth!
00:53:38I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:40Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:53:42What do you mean?
00:53:49I mean...
00:53:51The subterranean bobsled track that was big enough to smuggle cars to collapse last fall.
00:53:54We're gonna have to pass across point 11 using a basic diversion tactic.
00:53:57From 3pm to 5pm, there are only two agents stopping us from getting across.
00:53:59From there, it's a straight shot to Highway 34.
00:54:02Goddammit!
00:54:02Okay.
00:54:03So your subterranean bobsled track, that's like a Canadian version of an underground railroad-
00:54:08Shut up!
00:54:08It would've been perfect!
00:54:09No matter. So, uh, what's your diversion plan?
00:54:12I'll leave that up to you, but it's gotta be big.
00:54:14Um, afterwards, meet up at these coordinates just north of the border.
00:54:17Copy that. Roger. Over and out.
00:54:20These days, it's hard to hold anyone's attention, so it's gotta make as little sense as possible.
00:54:24We need to make a few stops.
00:54:38Woo! Well, that went smoothly.
00:54:41Okay, according to Clio's teeth, he's just off the main road by Big Mountain Crest.
00:54:45Aren't you gonna even ask me how I made it look like I sucked the blood out of that live
00:54:47chicken without actually having...
00:55:16Okay, so, what is it?
00:55:19Is that rhetorical, or can you actually not see?
00:55:22Both.
00:55:29Whoa.
00:55:32I can tell by Clio's teeth he's still alive.
00:55:35We just have to follow his tracks.
00:55:37And you can see here he was dragged off by several people,
00:55:40or one person who was really good at breakdancing.
00:55:43We'll go with the former.
00:55:49You okay, bud?
00:55:50Oh yeah, I'm totally cool, man.
00:55:53I know that look.
00:55:54You look like you're about to have a psychotic break.
00:55:57Right again, Danny?
00:55:58You've actually been right about a lot lately.
00:56:01But?
00:56:01No, there's no but, man.
00:56:03You're fucking Galileo.
00:56:04You're the boy with the wolf.
00:56:06In fact, I can't believe I'm about to say this
00:56:08after everything that you've put me through,
00:56:09but I am sorry for ever doubting you.
00:56:13You clearly know more about how the world works than I do.
00:56:16Like, I would give you a hug right now if I could, but you know.
00:56:20That's so sweet.
00:56:23Glad you finally came around.
00:56:24Yeah.
00:56:27Aw, love you, man.
00:56:29Love you, too.
00:56:32Fuck!
00:56:33Back off!
00:56:34Back off!
00:56:35Fuck!
00:56:36I am being a cop!
00:56:36I am being a cop!
00:56:37I am being a cop!
00:56:37I'm the only one who's cop!
00:56:38No, no, no!
00:56:41Stop!
00:56:41That's better!
00:56:42Ow!
00:56:42What are you doing?!
00:56:44Stop!
00:56:46Stop!
00:56:47Stop!
00:56:48What?
00:56:48Fuck!
00:56:49Stop!
00:56:50Oh, Jesus Christ!
00:56:51You look at me!
00:56:53You can't even see!
00:56:54You can't see any of this!
00:56:55Get the fucking glasses!
00:56:56What the fuck?!
00:56:57Okay, enough!
00:56:58Fuck!
00:57:00Ah!
00:57:01Fuck!
00:57:02I did too much!
00:57:02Give me one more!
00:57:03Ah!
00:57:03Yeah, we're even!
00:57:04Okay!
00:57:05What the fuck are you doing?!
00:57:09Wait!
00:57:09What about our deal?
00:57:10I'm dealing with this!
00:57:11Hey, a deal is a deal!
00:57:12We signed the contract at Taco Gary's Guacapoli Picante!
00:57:14I did my part!
00:57:15Hey!
00:57:16Take your damn ticket!
00:57:19Wait up!
00:57:21Good luck!
00:57:24I got the golden ticket!
00:57:27I'm not mad, bro!
00:57:29I'm proud of you for taking the initiative!
00:57:30You don't need me anymore!
00:57:31Let me go!
00:57:32There's no point in leaving, Luke!
00:57:35I haven't been completely honest with you!
00:57:38There is no job in Ottawa!
00:57:40Nice try!
00:57:41Go fuck yourself!
00:57:42There's not!
00:57:42I made the whole thing up!
00:57:44It's not gonna work!
00:57:45Alright, if you don't believe me,
00:57:47take the name of that new dinosaur,
00:57:50Snomastot,
00:57:50and spell it backwards!
00:57:53As if...
00:57:53That's...
00:57:54That's the stupidest thing I've ever...
00:58:02No.
00:58:04No.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:05No.
00:58:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:58:06It spells Todd Simmons, doesn't it?
00:58:10I'm sorry, brother,
00:58:11but the ends justify the beans, okay?
00:58:13This is for your own good!
00:58:17It was you?
00:58:19This whole time?
00:58:21The months of emails, and...
00:58:25The calls?
00:58:27The fucking femur bump?
00:58:29Yeah.
00:58:30It was a lot of work,
00:58:31but I knew it was the only way to safely get you to Ottawa.
00:58:36Why do you hate me so much?
00:58:38I don't hate you!
00:58:39I love you!
00:58:41And it doesn't change anything!
00:58:43Whether you like it or not,
00:58:44I'm the one that got you into this mess,
00:58:46and I'm the only one who could get you out,
00:58:47so we have to stick together.
00:58:49All right, look,
00:58:50feel free to punch me.
00:58:51I deserve it.
00:58:51Come on, let me have it.
00:58:52I can't feel my face anyway.
00:59:10Come on, bro, I'm sorry.
00:59:12Come on, bro, I'm sorry.
00:59:12Just let me explain everything, all right?
00:59:20Clile, you dirty piece of shit.
00:59:23I know exactly what happened here.
00:59:25He's trying to give the prize back to the Coalition,
00:59:27but got taken instead.
00:59:29The backstabber becomes the backstab,
00:59:32stabby, got stabbed in the back guy.
00:59:35If he only knew that money would be completely worthless
00:59:37in two weeks anyways.
00:59:42Who's that?
00:59:44It's Jason Biggs.
00:59:45He's trying to...
00:59:47Never mind.
00:59:49There we go.
00:59:50Here we go.
00:59:51Okay, do the rope.
00:59:52Rope, rope, rope, rope, rope.
00:59:54Yeah, there you go.
00:59:55Okay.
00:59:56Very hostage.
00:59:57Hey, hey, look at me.
00:59:58No, look at me.
00:59:59I'm not the bad guy, okay?
01:00:01I'm as much of a victim as you are.
01:00:03You think I want to be here?
01:00:04I don't want to be doing this.
01:00:05Neither do I.
01:00:06That's why I'm out of here.
01:00:08Oh, shit.
01:00:09What is he doing?
01:00:10I believe he's trying to kick us.
01:00:13Sweep!
01:00:13And that's why you never take martial arts lessons from Cash Israel.
01:00:17It's all leg sweeps.
01:00:18Sweep!
01:00:18Marco!
01:00:19Follow.
01:00:20Okay.
01:00:20No, hold on.
01:00:21Sweep!
01:00:21Man, go over there.
01:00:23Marco!
01:00:24Follow!
01:00:25Okay, now go over there.
01:00:26Sweep!
01:00:26Follow!
01:00:27To you.
01:00:28How long do we let you start?
01:00:29Get in my way.
01:00:29Sweep!
01:00:30What is he doing?
01:00:31Axe kick!
01:00:33I need a break.
01:00:34Hey, hey.
01:00:35Let me case.
01:00:36Yeah, that was really fun.
01:00:36Hey, come.
01:00:37Okay.
01:00:38Let's lay down on the window.
01:00:39Is there a rest area?
01:00:39Yeah, rest area.
01:00:40Just watch the knees.
01:00:41Watch the knees.
01:00:41Here?
01:00:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:00:43I got you.
01:00:45Oh, shit.
01:00:49Oh, God.
01:00:50What are you?
01:00:50Yes, he was supposed to land on the car.
01:00:51Go check the minivan.
01:00:52Oh, hey.
01:00:53It's going to be in there somewhere.
01:00:54Yes!
01:00:54They don't have it yet.
01:00:55Hold my way.
01:00:56Okay, I got it.
01:00:56Wait a minute.
01:00:57Remember when Clio was talking about a secret smuggling compartment under the minivan passenger
01:01:01seat?
01:01:02Oh, shit.
01:01:02They killed him.
01:01:03Yes, it has to be there.
01:01:04Come on.
01:01:08Come on, bro.
01:01:12She stranded us here.
01:01:14I should have known better.
01:01:15It's like Todd Simmons always said.
01:01:17Danny.
01:01:17Hang on.
01:01:19Hang on.
01:01:21I think it's in here.
01:01:22I got it.
01:01:23I got it.
01:01:24I found it.
01:01:25I got it.
01:01:26I don't care.
01:01:27Well, you should care.
01:01:27This is probably the most important thing that you'll ever have to do.
01:01:30Ah, dude, shit.
01:01:35Sir!
01:01:36Can I have a hug?
01:01:38Sir, can I just please have one hug?
01:01:44Sorry, man.
01:01:47Oh, let's do this.
01:01:49How many times did you trank me again?
01:01:50I don't know.
01:01:51Like five?
01:01:51I need a bump of coke.
01:01:55Oh, dear.
01:01:56You're going to be kidding me!
01:01:58Oh, fuck!
01:02:00Oh, fuck!
01:02:01Oh, no!
01:02:03Come on!
01:02:09Oh, fuck!
01:02:16Oh!
01:02:16Oh, fuck it!
01:02:18Oh!
01:02:20Oh!
01:02:20Sorry, Danny.
01:02:22Okay.
01:02:22Oh, fuck!
01:02:24No!
01:02:24Okay.
01:02:25Oh my god!
01:02:26There's too many fucking pedals!
01:02:29God, this is work!
01:02:32Fuck!
01:02:38No, leave me alone!
01:02:44Oh, oh, fuck, fuck!
01:02:46Hang on, dude!
01:03:05Oh my god!
01:03:07Oh my god!
01:03:08Oh my god!
01:03:09Oh my god!
01:03:10Oh my god!
01:03:10Oh my god!
01:03:11Oh my god!
01:03:12Oh my god!
01:03:13Oh my god!
01:03:17Welcome back to Taco Gary's!
01:03:21Check your weapons in with me, sir.
01:03:28Okay.
01:03:29Okay.
01:03:29It's always something about the fiesta at Taco Gary's.
01:03:33So eat up if there's no tomorrow.
01:03:36Okay.
01:03:37Okay, buddy. Wakey, wakey.
01:03:39Ah! Woo!
01:03:41Mmm!
01:03:42It's okay, it's okay. You're safe now.
01:03:44What happened? Where are we? Are we in the shuttle?
01:03:46No, we're at Taco Gary's. You passed out.
01:03:48Really? Yeah.
01:03:49That doesn't sound like me.
01:03:50I must have been trying to teach you a valuable life lesson or something.
01:03:53Hey, guys.
01:03:54I gotta say.
01:03:55This has been a blast.
01:03:57Really.
01:03:57All the chasing and the shooting.
01:03:59Wow.
01:04:00How fun.
01:04:01Okay, it has had its moments.
01:04:03Come on, right?
01:04:03It has had.
01:04:04We've been having a great time.
01:04:05What was your favorite? Like the...
01:04:07Uh...
01:04:07Marco Polo was funny.
01:04:08That was really funny.
01:04:09Watching him run around.
01:04:10He was like...
01:04:11He thought there were like six of you.
01:04:12Yeah, I was.
01:04:12It was great.
01:04:14Uh...
01:04:14Anyway, please hand it over.
01:04:15Oh, you want it?
01:04:17Okay, listen.
01:04:18This motherfucker.
01:04:19We are aware...
01:04:20Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh.
01:04:21We are aware of the Taco Gary's truce.
01:04:23But you're gonna have to leave eventually if you wanna catch that shuttle.
01:04:26Oh, really? So you could kill us too?
01:04:28If you just hand over the ticket, we will let bygones be bygones.
01:04:32You blew my best friend's head off.
01:04:35He said you were just associates.
01:04:36No, we were best...
01:04:39Actually, you know what? I never really liked the guy.
01:04:41Hey, guys. Look me in the eyeball. Right here, okay?
01:04:44Last chance to save your skins.
01:04:45Please just fucking hand it over.
01:04:47Yeah, just give it back to him, baby.
01:04:48No.
01:04:49Fuck you, Jason Biggs, and your Portuguese Popeye.
01:04:52Super rude.
01:04:52People need to know about this.
01:04:54Why?
01:04:54So they can pretend to know what's best for humanity?
01:04:56Please.
01:04:58Leave that to us celebrities.
01:05:00Yeah, and celebrity-adjacent people.
01:05:01No.
01:05:02You talked about this to me.
01:05:03Just celebrities.
01:05:04Sorry, I did it again.
01:05:05That is enough.
01:05:07Oh, my goodness.
01:05:11What's this now?
01:05:12It's a genocide, Elder.
01:05:13A what?
01:05:13A fucking alien, dude.
01:05:27You two.
01:05:28Stand up.
01:05:29Your Majesty, these are the ones that have...
01:05:31Silence, unless you would like to ejaculate guacamole picante.
01:05:35What?
01:05:36I can make any human secrete guacamole picante from any orifice.
01:05:40Behold.
01:05:42Oh.
01:05:45Oh.
01:05:46What?
01:05:48See?
01:05:49What do you want, you conquistador?
01:05:53Clever.
01:05:54Follow me.
01:05:56Daniel.
01:05:57Lucas.
01:05:59We travel by Silver Sonic.
01:06:02No one would suspect the master race of the galaxy to drive a spacious yet affordable compact sedan.
01:06:07A great cover with a great turning radius.
01:06:10Just get to the point.
01:06:11Ah, yes.
01:06:12I have been following you two for some time now.
01:06:14Creepy.
01:06:15You want to expose us.
01:06:17Hell yeah, we do.
01:06:18This can't be.
01:06:19Now, why is...
01:06:21A galactic super race interested in Earth?
01:06:23I will soon show you.
01:06:25Trust me, Luke.
01:06:25You don't want to know.
01:06:26No, no, no.
01:06:27He should know the whole truth.
01:06:30We are here for the same reason why your people invade...
01:06:33Well, anywhere.
01:06:35Oil.
01:06:35For fuck's sakes!
01:06:37Yes, it is true.
01:06:38Every planet in the galaxy runs on oil.
01:06:41Told you, Luke.
01:06:42It's fucking bonkers.
01:06:43We are currently collecting the last of your earthly reserves.
01:06:46Once our extraction is complete, we plan on exterminating all life on this planet.
01:06:51Why?
01:06:53Dead organic material mixes with other sediment when buried.
01:06:56Over millions of years, under high pressure and high temperature,
01:07:00the remains of these organisms transform into what we know as fossil fuels.
01:07:05By exterminating all life, we are simply creating a new oil reserve to be harvested in 16 million years,
01:07:12which to an elder is not long at all.
01:07:14We did the same process with the organisms you call dinosaurs.
01:07:19You killed the dinosaurs?
01:07:20Literally my one and only interest?
01:07:23Told you you weren't ready.
01:07:24No.
01:07:24No, no, no.
01:07:25This doesn't make any sense because if you can fly through space and live for millions of years,
01:07:29then why don't you just synthesize your own fucking oil?
01:07:32Mwah.
01:07:32It is very political.
01:07:34Too many jobs would be lost by transitioning to greener hypercoils.
01:07:38Fucking unions.
01:07:39However, we are not barbarian invaders.
01:07:42Therefore, we have made a deal with your chieftains.
01:07:45In exchange for the oil and destruction of all life,
01:07:48we have allowed for passage to a brand new planet development in the Midwestern Milky Way.
01:07:54I think I'm gonna throw up.
01:07:58Was it something I said?
01:08:00Uh, yeah.
01:08:01It's everything you said.
01:08:02Listen, human, we elders are not without our empathy.
01:08:08I feel your plight and your anguish.
01:08:12Cool.
01:08:14You'll be glad to know that I will be asking our board of directors for a 100-year delay in
01:08:19humanity's destruction.
01:08:20100 years?
01:08:21Yes.
01:08:22All you must do is continue to keep our existence a secret.
01:08:26Why?
01:08:28I wasn't sworn to anything.
01:08:29I'm not part of the coalition.
01:08:30You are now.
01:08:46Fuck it.
01:08:48And I will transfer the $27.7 million into your bank account immediately.
01:08:53Was that all?
01:08:54You're forgetting one thing.
01:08:56Ah, yes.
01:08:57I will also free these squid people underneath Santa Fe, New Mexico.
01:09:01Great.
01:09:02I gotta hand it to you.
01:09:03I was not expecting this from a smug alien fuck like yourself, but you got yourself a deal.
01:09:09Fantastic.
01:09:10Now we seal the agreement with a simple genital cupping.
01:09:13Of course we do.
01:09:14Fucking weirdos.
01:09:17They're a little higher.
01:09:19Oh, Jesus.
01:09:23Come now.
01:09:33Oh dear lock.
01:09:36There.
01:09:37Happy now?
01:09:38We got all the proof that you need and then we can just return the whatever the fuck to Jason
01:09:42and-
01:09:42What the fuck are you doing?
01:09:43You idiot.
01:09:44We were just about to-
01:09:46Actually, you know what?
01:09:47Fuck it.
01:09:47It's better this way.
01:09:47Come on.
01:09:48Let's go.
01:09:48What about the alien?
01:09:51Oh, yeah.
01:09:52Uh, I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:09:56God damn it.
01:09:57The plan was never to reveal them to the world or blow any whistles, okay?
01:10:01Then why are you doing all of this?
01:10:03What is the point?
01:10:04Why did I just assault a freaking alien?
01:10:07I didn't tell you to do that!
01:10:09Look, whatever.
01:10:09The world's about to end and the shuttle's leaving today.
01:10:11So, forget this thing and it's a two headed dick.
01:10:13Come on.
01:10:14Come on.
01:10:15Come on.
01:10:15Come on.
01:10:25Come on.
01:10:26Please answer the question.
01:10:27Why-
01:10:28Why are you trying to fuck me over so hard?
01:10:29Why am I here?
01:10:30I told you the shuttle is here.
01:10:32What shuttle?
01:10:35Fuck!
01:10:36Oh.
01:10:37Bingo bongo.
01:10:38Come on.
01:10:38Oh, it's good to be confirmed.
01:10:40Welcome.
01:10:41The entrance to the spaceport is around here somewhere.
01:10:43I'm 99.7% sure this is where the elders first made contact.
01:10:46This is where they had their first Taco Gary's taco.
01:10:48It has to be here.
01:10:49It could look like anything.
01:10:50It could be tiny.
01:10:51It could be invisible.
01:10:52It definitely won't look like a door.
01:10:55Let's go.
01:10:58Let's go.
01:11:22Let's go.
01:11:26Yes! Yes! Good eye! Yes! Come on.
01:11:38Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
01:11:43Don't go!
01:11:59What a shame. Hmm?
01:12:23No. Tomorrow.
01:12:25Luke, I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:12:29Yeah, I know that.
01:12:30No, but you don't know why.
01:12:32The reason I haven't been completely honest with you until this exact moment is because you never believe it all
01:12:36at once.
01:12:38Fair.
01:12:39When I found out that we only had a couple weeks left, I knew I had to get you on
01:12:42the last shuttle out of here.
01:12:43And I know, I've done nothing but lie to you.
01:12:46But if there was ever a time for you to trust me, it's right now.
01:12:51So you're gonna take this ticket and you're gonna get on that shuttle. You know why?
01:12:57Because your life depends on it. Take it.
01:13:01But it's my ticket. It was meant for me. You are not seeming to grasp the complaint here.
01:13:07Present it and you may board.
01:13:08It was stolen!
01:13:09Oh, that's too bad. Possession may be nine tenths of the law for humans. It is 100% for elders.
01:13:14We do not have laws against stealing.
01:13:16What? Why not?
01:13:17Because we do not steal. Da. Ha.
01:13:19Every elder has what he slash she slash me board needs.
01:13:22And it's portable gasoline.
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:24What was that? Hmm?
01:13:25What?
01:13:26To the excess what?
01:13:27I missed the what?
01:13:27Look, this isn't fair, okay? I faked my own death already!
01:13:30I'm sorry.
01:13:31But no ticket. No boarding.
01:13:33Jason, look!
01:13:36Go, go, go, go!
01:13:40Next.
01:13:40Attention all passengers. The shuttle will be boarding in seven minutes.
01:13:44But what about you?
01:13:45Don't worry about me. You've done enough of that in your life, okay? This is me returning the favor.
01:13:49No, no. Because if all that were true, then why me, man? And why not like a doctor or even
01:13:57a competent swimmer?
01:13:58Because you offer something that most of these self-entitled important people here don't.
01:14:03You are a good person. You care about your neighbors, your family. You make people feel good about themselves.
01:14:10Yeah, sure, the new world will need innovators and goal-driven risk-takers to keep humanity moving forward.
01:14:17But kind, delicate, good neighbors like yourself are the foundation.
01:14:22So knowing that there'll be good people like you on Earth 2.0 gives me hope.
01:14:27And that's more than enough for me.
01:14:31This is absolutely insane.
01:14:32I know it is. It's fucking insane. But I need you to embrace the chaos.
01:14:37I need you to accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
01:14:40Look, I'm asking you. Do you trust me?
01:14:50I can't believe I'm about to say this, but...
01:14:54Yeah.
01:14:55Thanks.
01:14:56Cough, cough.
01:14:58I can't believe my good luck. Makes me wonder why I didn't just wait for you guys here.
01:15:02But alas, can't change the past. Anyway, this is the part of the story.
01:15:07Hey, Jason, please. Hello?
01:15:07What?
01:15:08You're doing it again, man.
01:15:09Doing what again?
01:15:10The fucking monologue we talked about.
01:15:12Sorry.
01:15:12Can I please just shoot them?
01:15:13You're right. Much simpler.
01:15:14No more monologues. Thank you very much.
01:15:19Tiago?
01:15:20Yep, that was on me. So sorry.
01:15:23What the fuck, man?
01:15:43What are you doing now?
01:15:45What are you doing now?
01:15:46What are you doing now?
01:15:51What are you doing now?
01:15:51Oopsie. Looks like it's over, huh?
01:15:55You see, we are covering the only exit.
01:15:59But tell you what. You come on out, and there will be no more bloodshed.
01:16:04Promesa portuguesa. Now that, is a Portuguese promise.
01:16:11I knew I would end one day in an office.
01:16:13What?
01:16:14Nothing. I have a plan. When I give you the signal, you run back to the space door.
01:16:19Got it?
01:16:20What about you?
01:16:20Didn't I tell you to stop worrying about me?
01:16:26What the fuck?
01:16:28What the fuck?
01:16:33Bingo! Bongo! Get your dickens to outer space, hear?
01:16:37Hey!
01:16:40Hey, asshole! I have your prize! Come and get it!
01:16:43Jesus, what the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
01:16:46Come and get it, you mango-eating motherfuckers.
01:16:50Hey, Luke! This is the signal!
01:16:52Go, go, go! Luke, go, run!
01:16:55Thank you. Well, well, well. Seems to me...
01:16:59Well, please, not another fucking monologue. Please.
01:17:01You're right. Let me just do it.
01:17:02Go ahead, go ahead.
01:17:03Thank you so much.
01:17:04Run, Luke!
01:17:05Luke!
01:17:10So many ears got a face that's old
01:17:14Saw the world unfold
01:17:17And the truth be told
01:17:18In a steadfast love
01:17:21In a steadfast love
01:17:38Oh my god, that feels so sad as well
01:17:40They look great!
01:17:41They looked so good!
01:17:42Yeah, they look really good!
01:17:45Is this empty?
01:17:46Son of a...
01:17:47It's empty!
01:17:48What? That motherfucker's right there!
01:17:49Son of a...
01:17:50C'mon!
01:18:03C'mon!
01:18:16Ah.
01:18:19The boarding pass, please.
01:18:23I know what you're thinking.
01:18:24Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me already?
01:18:26Doesn't even matter as the world will end in two weeks.
01:18:28But this isn't easy for us.
01:18:30Jesus Christ, can you literally not help yourself with the monologue shit?
01:18:34Sorry, what do you mean the world's gonna end in two weeks?
01:18:37Oh, come on.
01:18:38I told you this is the last shuttle.
01:18:40I thought you figured it out already.
01:18:42No, I didn't figure it out.
01:18:43Wait, are the elders destroying the Earth?
01:18:45No, no, no, not at all.
01:18:46Thank goodness.
01:18:47Just all life on Earth.
01:18:48What?
01:18:48Why didn't you just tell me the truth, man?
01:18:50No one wants to believe the truth anymore.
01:18:52You said I wouldn't inherit your fortune.
01:18:54You still do.
01:18:55And I have like two weeks to spend it?
01:18:56Twelve days, technically.
01:18:57Oh!
01:18:58You lie.
01:18:59Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:19:00Thiago, what are you doing, buddy?
01:19:03Come on, it's me, Jason.
01:19:05So I wasn't completely honest with you, but it was for your own good, buddy.
01:19:09I wanted your last precious moments to be lived in blissful ignorance.
01:19:14Again, I am the good guy here.
01:19:16Actually, no, Jason.
01:19:17You are not the good guy.
01:19:18You are the bad guy.
01:19:19You have always been the bad guy.
01:19:23You take that back.
01:19:25I am the hero!
01:19:28Leonardo, come on, help me out here.
01:19:32This is why you should never trust the Portuguese.
01:19:34What did you say?
01:19:34What was it?
01:19:34You said something about the Portuguese?
01:19:35No, nothing.
01:19:36No, fuck you, man.
01:19:37You know how it changed for you?
01:19:39And fuck this eye patch.
01:19:40You know he told me to wear it because it would make me more intimidating?
01:19:43Well, guess what?
01:19:43It doesn't.
01:19:44This gun does.
01:19:45New plan.
01:19:46I'm taking the fucking ticket.
01:19:50The hell?
01:19:51What is that, like, supposed to be?
01:19:54Is that supposed to be, um...
01:19:56Uh, give me a sec.
01:19:57Can you dig my eyes off and look at it?
01:19:59Give me a sec.
01:20:00Give me a sec.
01:20:01Ah!
01:20:01But what's the significance of the boobs, though?
01:20:03It's super hypnotic, but it makes no sense, though.
01:20:06Wait a minute.
01:20:07Wait a minute.
01:20:07It's not supposed to make any sense.
01:20:10What the fuck?
01:20:11Because...
01:20:11It's a ruse!
01:20:16Fart Muffin!
01:20:21He shot there!
01:20:22I know!
01:20:23Just keep running!
01:20:25This is the final boarding call from the last shuttle to New Earth.
01:20:27Doors will be closing momentarily.
01:20:29If you do not wish to be incinerated and repurposed as fossil fuel,
01:20:33please proceed to a gate immediately.
01:20:41I got it!
01:20:42I got it!
01:20:44I got it!
01:20:44I got it!
01:20:54Excuse me, sirs, but murder is not allowed in a Taco Gary's.
01:20:59And this port is technically on Taco Gary's property, so you know the penalty.
01:21:04You see why I kept you in the dark?
01:21:06I see it now.
01:21:07I'm sorry.
01:21:08Oh!
01:21:08Oh!
01:21:09Wow!
01:21:10This is all your fault!
01:21:11I know!
01:21:12I'm sorry!
01:21:13Ah!
01:21:14Ah!
01:21:15What's that smell?
01:21:16I don't know, dude.
01:21:17Mangoes?
01:21:17Mangoes!
01:21:18Oh, yes!
01:21:19Mangoes!
01:21:22Oh, dear.
01:21:26Welcome aboard.
01:21:31Oh, dear.
01:21:44Oh, dear.
01:21:46Well, I came along to find a little piece of mine.
01:21:51Neglecting all my duties.
01:21:52Stepping off that straight line.
01:21:54Now I just sit for my front door wheels within the lint and sounds.
01:21:58It's like I'm watching the waves roll on my brow.
01:22:03Look, Luke.
01:22:04This is gonna be hard to hear, but...
01:22:07It's what Dan expected to happen all along.
01:22:09He never planned on leaving, but he didn't want you to be alone.
01:22:14I still don't get it.
01:22:15Embrace it.
01:22:16Look, this is the norm, Luke.
01:22:18The world is always ending.
01:22:19Things never make total sense.
01:22:21And sometimes our only option is to just go with the flow.
01:22:24It's the one thing we can control.
01:22:28Do you know who said that?
01:22:33Do you know who said that?
01:22:42Todd Simmons.
01:22:50And now you get it.
01:23:15And now you get it.
01:23:30We're therobial.
01:23:33And you've been saved for a night in the promise.
01:23:49We'll leave its weeds before your flowers yet have sprung
01:23:52Will there be weeds or wildflowers when you're done?
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