- 2 days ago
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00:00:06KADOOSH!
00:00:16Yep, check, check. Hear me?
00:00:20Sorry about the leaky pipes.
00:00:21It shouldn't affect the interview at all.
00:00:23Can you give a sound and everything on that?
00:00:24We'll take it out in post.
00:00:27That's just plumbing, because it's not even raining outside.
00:00:30Sorry.
00:00:32Hi.
00:00:33Welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.
00:00:35I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
00:00:37And today, my guest is Matthew McCona...
00:00:42McCanaway.
00:00:43Matthew McCona...
00:00:46Matthew McCona...
00:00:47McCona-hey.
00:00:49Good to be here, Zach.
00:00:51All right, all right, all right.
00:00:55Sorry, I was just reading the box office returns for your last three movies.
00:01:00All right.
00:01:01All right.
00:01:03I guess that one wasn't right.
00:01:05I noticed that you're wearing a shirt.
00:01:08Is everything okay?
00:01:10You fucking kidding me?
00:01:12Of all the things you can win an Oscar for, how surprised are you that you won one for acting?
00:01:17Here we go.
00:01:18But so did that guy from 30 Seconds to Mars.
00:01:21So, um, how proud can you really be?
00:01:23How much time do we have?
00:01:24I mean, I'm out of here in about 15 minutes, so whatever.
00:01:27What do you have to do?
00:01:28Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible?
00:01:30Shirtless?
00:01:31Yeah.
00:01:33Your dad died while having sex with your mom, and you've said that you want to go out the same
00:01:37way.
00:01:38You and your mom need to set up some boundaries.
00:01:40No, it's not true.
00:01:41I wasn't a...
00:01:41Next question.
00:01:42It must be funny, it's just a rumor that...
00:01:44Yeah, I hear you.
00:01:45Who do you think will accidentally starve himself to death first, you or Christian Bale?
00:01:50You lost so much weight for that movie.
00:01:52I thought you might die from fake AIDS.
00:01:55I got three kids, I got a wife.
00:01:57What do you got?
00:01:59Besides two ferns.
00:02:03At least you're watering them.
00:02:04I see.
00:02:06Yeah, and again, I'm sorry.
00:02:08We will fix it, Dad.
00:02:08It doesn't bother me.
00:02:11I'm sorry.
00:02:12I'm so sorry.
00:02:13Can I just...
00:02:15See what's going on with these pipes?
00:02:20I got a lighter.
00:02:25Dude, don't do that.
00:02:31Help!
00:02:35Help!
00:02:38Help!
00:02:43I need to get out!
00:02:45Who is the idiot?
00:02:47They're installing the sprinkler system!
00:02:50What's the way out, Jack?
00:02:51I don't know, Matthew!
00:02:53When did you come in, Jack?
00:02:54I don't control Matthew!
00:02:56I'm a little...
00:02:56...strap!
00:03:01Well, they turned the sprinklers off.
00:03:03Oh, my...
00:03:04Oh!
00:03:05Oh!
00:03:05Oh!
00:03:06Oh!
00:03:06Oh!
00:03:06Oh!
00:03:06Oh!
00:03:07Oh!
00:03:08Oh!
00:03:22Oh!
00:03:25Oh!
00:03:26Oh!
00:03:27Oh!
00:03:28Oh!
00:03:28Oh!
00:03:29Oh!
00:03:30Oh!
00:03:31Oh!
00:03:33Oh!
00:03:40and action hello and welcome to behind two ferns the story of between two ferns a special
00:03:48feature-length documentary providing an inside glimpse at my award-losing talk show i'm zach
00:03:53alefanakis we're here in flinch north carolina where i've taped my show for over 10 years
00:03:58not only do i host the show but i will be your tour guide throughout your cinematic experience
00:04:05who knows maybe the movie will even be in 3d a little trivia about my show i originally wanted
00:04:13to call it betwixt two ferns but i thought that was too highbrow for the public
00:04:19our journey begins here like most classic tales with our hero opening a door into adventure
00:04:27and cut great that was the best one 21 takes is good for you 21 takes that's really really good
00:04:33for me yep we move on yeah let's move on that was perfect thank you very much i grew up
00:04:39here in a
00:04:39small town of flinch north carolina and ever since i was a kid i dreamed of being a big network
00:04:46tv
00:04:53personality but things haven't worked out exactly as planned from flinch north carolina it's flinch
00:05:00public access television anybody watching this show has the ability to make a video
00:05:07lifeblood of america you told me it was about waste water i have no idea what i'd do without you
00:05:13think about soccer don't even use your hands that's what makes us human didn't like that card
00:05:20didn't like that card either where do you keep your oscar i mean your uh blockbuster entertainment
00:05:26award we are here at uh flinch public access television f pat v for short what's great about
00:05:39public access is the field community here comes the tornado anybody's voice can be heard here top
00:05:47that motherfucker this is where i've been taping my shows for over a decade now hi hi i'm uh
00:05:56keanu reeves and i'm here for between two firms oh yeah
00:06:05hi my name is zach galifianakis welcome to another edition of between two ferns uh my guest today is
00:06:12keanu reeves thank you for being here thanks for having me here you have a big scar i hear from
00:06:18a
00:06:18motorcycle accident yeah i do yeah is it where is it i mean just goes from here to here big
00:06:23one god that
00:06:23big yes i have a similar scar on my on my leg from what i walked out of the movie
00:06:30lake house i bumped
00:06:31into the the seat in front of me on a scale of one to a hundred how many words do
00:06:38you know
00:06:39one to a hundred but do you know 50 words do you know 75 words do you know 18 words
00:06:46is it frustrating uh to have people think of you as a complete bozo when the truth is is that
00:06:51you're just
00:06:52a man with below average intelligence just do one for yes and then two for no do you research your
00:07:01roles yeah have you ever considered researching a character that has taken acting classes
00:07:08right now i'm acting like this is fun how am i doing it's a good show right now it's the
00:07:16seventh
00:07:16ranked show in uh southeastern north carolina's public access television market i mean do i have
00:07:23other dreams i've always wanted to jet ski to alaska but ultimately in life i'd like to have my own
00:07:30late night talk show but this for now what i have now this will do
00:07:42who's on cocaine i'm sorry i thought someone said someone's on cocaine and i was like who's on
00:07:47cocaine because it's not me you ready let's do it okay so how did you stumble across zach when i
00:07:57uh first
00:07:58saw some footage of this fat idiot zach i thought i thought it was a practical joke you don't know
00:08:09if
00:08:09you want to get a tight shot of that america's dumbest television host and uh i saw him on this
00:08:17tape and he was so he was such an idiot and he was so dumb and so fat so uh
00:08:24without asking
00:08:25i uploaded it to my website funny or die and uh all the clicks over 500 trillion and counting and
00:08:35those clicks equals more green which equals more white which equals more purple
00:08:47that's me putting on a big purple feather boa
00:08:52yeah so i signed into an exclusive contract and uh you know started uh forcing my hollywood
00:08:58friends to be interviewed by him hi welcome to another edition of between two ferns uh my guest
00:09:03today is chance the rapper hi you're an actor a rapper an activist why aren't you also an astronaut
00:09:12uh uh i don't know i'm not very uh like i don't come from uh space yep if your parents
00:09:21had not named
00:09:22you chance the rapper do you think you would have pursued a different career my parents didn't name
00:09:26me chance the rapper that's a stage name his siblings i have one brother yeah what's he do for a
00:09:32living
00:09:32he's a rapper too what is his name community chess the rapper uh no you're friends with kanye west
00:09:43that's the joke i don't like that joke you just give these a chance they're fine
00:09:51this is good stuff stop fucking playing with me right now so it seems like you have a lot of
00:09:57responsibility here i do the show carries a lot of responsibility uh but i you know what i'm surrounded
00:10:03by a really good team my office is right this way got a great view of everybody you can kind
00:10:09of
00:10:09keep an eye on things i feel sorry for people who use laptops they don't get that exercise i'm carol
00:10:19i am zach's right hand woman yeah he cares about his job he's very creative he's very clever so i
00:10:28kind
00:10:28of do a lot of things when he's very busy and um he just needs somebody to take care of
00:10:33all the details
00:10:34and i'm happy to do it sometimes words are really overwhelming for him he needs to just kind of break
00:10:39it up a little bit zach likes me to cut out all the big top stories of the day from
00:10:42the newspaper
00:10:43just throw them in the trash so he can just look at the pictures i've written down lists of things
00:10:47that
00:10:47wanted him to make sure he remembered and his brain just doesn't work that way he needs it to be
00:10:51drawn so it'll just be a picture of him in bed and every step from removing the covers standing up
00:10:57walking and then after that that's you in the car yeah leave yeah hey zach also has me run personal
00:11:06errands for him for instance he has very sensitive skin and he needs to wear panty liners to protect his
00:11:12private area i call her the getter she gets it she gets me and she gets guessed and she gets
00:11:21she gets
00:11:22things for me so she i call her the getter and uh she's wonderful so zach has a thing called
00:11:29fernspection
00:11:30where he wants to make sure that the ferns are just so and they have to be exactly the same
00:11:35in every
00:11:35episode he likes that continuity green as ever they look great
00:11:43moisture is nice good
00:11:50ow why do they look so different i die
00:11:55i don't know how to take care of these keep killing them i just buy new ones whenever you have
00:12:00a show
00:12:03is the width off to you no that's right looks good that's exactly what it was last time
00:12:12what do you what's the readout i have one no no no it says one i gotta say it's hard
00:12:18to believe
00:12:18i've used the same ferns all these years okay so yeah we all set yep i'll see you later okay
00:12:24good work
00:12:25really good work hey chuck i wanted to talk to you about
00:12:31so i've heard people call you by your nickname can you explain what it means i'm nicknamed cam because
00:12:36it's short for camera a lot of people say like no your nickname cam because now you work with cameras
00:12:42but that's not true i'm probably one of the top you know 50 probably top 50 cameraman you can find
00:12:51i'm
00:12:51not crazy about him his attitude is sloppy i asked for an ecu of the button you know and i
00:13:00and i i didn't
00:13:01see your camera move an ecu zach is and i'll say this the nicest way i know how he is
00:13:08an absolute piece
00:13:09of garbage rat loser uh donkey he's the biggest piece of i've ever met in my life and i've met
00:13:15some
00:13:16big pieces of shit in life and in a toilet i have a really good time and i like zach
00:13:22i think he's i
00:13:23think he's sweet you didn't come to cecil's birthday party you know cecil the janitor she's good i like
00:13:28her enthusiasm a little annoying we didn't have cupcakes because he's vegan now did you know that
00:13:33he's vegan no i didn't i didn't yeah so i've got like plums and persimmon it's fine i mean
00:13:40fucking annoying the shit out of me so there's a lot of celebrities passing through the studio
00:13:45right oh yeah tons and tons like everybody i feel like there's nobody who hasn't been through here
00:13:50thank you so much for doing this pre-interview yeah so i heard you have a funny story you'd love
00:13:53to hear
00:13:54it oh yeah so i i basically i got home late from work and i was really tired and i
00:13:58parked let me ask you
00:14:01i'm not sure how that's relevant here okay is there something like light you want to talk about
00:14:06that's like something funny like i think you kind of it's not it doesn't have to be like that
00:14:10yeah like a flippant story about being half black half white or something like that
00:14:15hi i'm zach hey adam from parks and recreation oh god that is refreshing to hear i'm so used to
00:14:22interviewing dumb actors with their dumb actor lifestyles and stuff so it's nice to interview
00:14:25real people sorry the the tv show parks and recreation okay let's get you mic'd up great
00:14:34what temperature was it in there it's hard for me to constantly you like swimming yeah i got a lot
00:14:41of bathing suits in my car turning down a celebrity is maybe the greatest joy a person can have
00:14:49how are you not gonna happen champ
00:14:57he's that he's always around he pretends that he needs to be here all the time
00:15:01he keeps taking stuff from the shelf i know he does my name is shirl clark s-h-i-r
00:15:09-l-c-l-a-r-t-s
00:15:11and what do you do here i'm a station manager i run this whole deal you know what a lion
00:15:16is
00:15:17a lion is a strong animal they do what the they want to do they take what they want they
00:15:23eat what
00:15:23they want they run when they feel like it lion and then bobby
00:15:29is the assistant manager and he's worked here for a long time too put me on speaker put me on
00:15:35speaker
00:15:38now should i come back diane hey diane am i on speaker i'll come back no come in am i
00:15:48on speaker
00:15:49all right good love you what's up did you take my hamburger helper boxes out of the break room what
00:15:57if i did i want my hamburger helper boxes back all right i'll just write a check for you they're
00:16:02like a dollar and 15 each well there was two boxes all right so 350.
00:16:11hey where are you going we're going home but you have to film at all times if i say cut
00:16:17that
00:16:17means keep the camera rolling if i say get that camera out of my face put that camera in my
00:16:22face
00:16:24okay let's do it again from the top you want to do this conversation again from the top yeah this
00:16:28is my life story you ruined that scene of my life story so did you by the way let's take
00:16:33it from the top
00:16:36where are you going i'm going home that's bad acting bad acting welcome to another edition of
00:16:45between two ferns i'm your host zach galifianakis and my guest today is brie larson thank you brie
00:16:53you won best actress have you ever thought of aiming higher and trying to win best actor
00:17:01um yeah good question it is good it's thought provoking your superhero character is called
00:17:06captain marvel yes well they really have stopped trying haven't they i mean why don't they just call
00:17:12it captain comic book or captain we can't think of anything else and what would your superhero name be
00:17:18captain crunch i read online that you're very private and declined to answer questions that make
00:17:24you feel uncomfortable this is a two-parter is that true and how old were you when you got your
00:17:29first
00:17:30period his show's success is absolutely predicated on the fact that people are laughing at him not with
00:17:38him i think it's utterly fascinating that someone that grotesque can actually be watchable
00:18:10what's going on out here huh what is going on something's going on with the pipe yeah no kidding
00:18:17what we have here is the perfect storm old pipes waterline blockage and for some weird reason
00:18:23someone shoved a whole bunch of stained panty liners down your commodes this blockage is so major
00:18:32it could blow at any time whoever did this is gonna pay for it
00:18:37zach it's too noisy with the plumbing and the construction that we're not able to interview the
00:18:41this whole place needs to be soundproof okay every nook and cranny laura and danny i want everything
00:18:49peopless okay just do it
00:19:06i mean i would i just i watch rupaul's drag race with my roommate on
00:19:10you uh i'm watching tv tonight so i would but i can't tonight sorry but thank you
00:19:17hey matt mcconaughey nice to meet you hey thanks so much for uh joining us
00:19:34the interview should be nice and easy thanks so much for supposed to be nice and short are you
00:19:40ready to start and you have a major leak in here is that everything all right no everything's fine okay
00:20:01i'm gonna get out of here
00:20:05i gotta get out of here
00:20:14okay
00:20:15okay
00:20:20Hi.
00:20:22Hi.
00:20:23Hi.
00:20:25Hi.
00:20:31Ah!
00:20:35Ah!
00:20:38Ah!
00:20:38Ah!
00:20:41Ah!
00:20:43It hurts!
00:20:45What happened?
00:20:47My glasses!
00:20:49They got it then!
00:20:52Ah!
00:20:56Ah!
00:21:00Ah!
00:21:07Ah!
00:21:08Ah!
00:21:15I got a call from Will Ferrell this morning.
00:21:17He's very upset.
00:21:18And he said to stand outside of this station
00:21:20and be outside at 3 p.m.
00:21:23Is it 3?
00:21:29It's 2 p.m.
00:21:31C.
00:21:31A to-
00:21:53Yeah!
00:21:53I emphasize that I feel hate it.
00:21:55That's right.
00:21:56You, me, inside.
00:22:03Hey, look at this, okay?
00:22:06These are my clicks.
00:22:08My website runs on clicks.
00:22:10Can you see that?
00:22:11It's a lot of clicks.
00:22:13Where's the fat drooping off your eyebrows
00:22:15impairing your vision?
00:22:18Besides, you killed Matthew McConaughey.
00:22:21He's dead?
00:22:23Well, they administered CPR to him
00:22:26and he's brought back to life.
00:22:28But, yeah, he was momentarily dead.
00:22:32You are a murderer.
00:22:33It was a temporary murder.
00:22:35It was not a murder.
00:22:36Fine.
00:22:37I'll keep your secret, okay?
00:22:39But you owe me.
00:22:41Owe you what?
00:22:42Ten episodes of Between Two Ferns, all right?
00:22:45And I need them three weeks from today.
00:22:47No.
00:22:48Hold on.
00:22:49Let's make this interesting.
00:22:51How about two weeks from today?
00:22:539 a.m.
00:22:55How?
00:22:55I can't film here anymore.
00:22:57You're just gonna have to go to the celebrities.
00:22:59Wherever you can find them across the country.
00:23:02But what do I get in return, Mr. Farrell?
00:23:04You will be showered in gold and spices and rare gems, rubies and emeralds.
00:23:11But I don't want that stuff.
00:23:13If money is not the treasure that you desire, then say it.
00:23:21What doth thy envision?
00:23:27I want my own network talk show, five nights a week, with an applause sign and an audience.
00:23:34I want people to laugh with me, not at me.
00:23:39Fulfill the contract.
00:23:42You got a deal.
00:23:43Ten of your dumb internet talk show, and you give me a Lifetime network talk show.
00:23:50Lifetime?
00:23:50I'm a white man, and I'm straight, and I deserve it.
00:23:54Fine.
00:23:55Your own talk show on the Lifetime network.
00:23:59I'd take it.
00:24:00I'd just take it now.
00:24:02Done.
00:24:03Done.
00:24:11Please bow.
00:24:13Are you...
00:24:15I christen thee...
00:24:17This is not a thing you do.
00:24:19Worthy of the mantle that is F.O.D.
00:24:21Go on, young pudgy Zach Galifianakis.
00:24:25Ride your imaginary steed through the hills and valleys of this country.
00:24:33That we know as America.
00:24:46Oh!
00:24:47Oh!
00:24:49Oh!
00:24:49Oh!
00:24:49Yes!
00:25:00Go!
00:25:01Not the front!
00:25:02Go around!
00:25:04Hey!
00:25:04Hey!
00:25:05What?
00:25:08Okay, guys.
00:25:09Mr. Will Ferrell has promised all of us a new nighttime network talk show.
00:25:19Whoa!
00:25:20He wants us all to work on it?
00:25:21Will Ferrell said this?
00:25:22Yep.
00:25:23He asked for you all by name.
00:25:24And he decided to pay for our entire trip.
00:25:27So let's go out and film some celebrities.
00:25:29Who?
00:25:30I'm not quite sure yet.
00:25:31Oh.
00:25:32Carol's looking into that.
00:25:33And as soon as we're done with this little...
00:25:34I know?
00:25:34She didn't even know what we were doing here.
00:25:36She's not looking into anything.
00:25:37I'll start now.
00:25:38She's fully aware of what's going on.
00:25:40Cam, it's actually better that you don't know what's going on.
00:25:42Just point your camera and shut the fuck up.
00:25:46That's a nice thing to hear as you're getting kidnapped.
00:25:50And how long is this trip?
00:25:52The trip should take us just two... just two weeks.
00:25:56Two weeks?
00:25:56Wait, two weeks?
00:25:57To get to the big time, you gotta be a chance taker.
00:26:01And I am a chance taker.
00:26:02We're taking between two ferns on the road.
00:26:05Oh.
00:26:06Hey, Zach.
00:26:07I think I found someone.
00:26:10Oh, really?
00:26:11Three hours away.
00:26:12No kidding.
00:26:13Yep.
00:26:13Who is it?
00:26:23Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.
00:26:26I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
00:26:28My guest today is Santa Claus with an eating disorder.
00:26:32You look good.
00:26:33Thanks, so do you.
00:26:34Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap?
00:26:37You look like Steve Jobs now.
00:26:41Okay.
00:26:42Your Netflix show is called My Next Guest Needs No Introduction.
00:26:45Wouldn't a better title be My Next Show Will Have No Viewers?
00:26:49Yeah.
00:26:50That... we considered that.
00:26:52Then that didn't test well?
00:26:53Oh, I think it tested very well.
00:26:55But it hurt my feelings.
00:26:57Tell me about your long beard.
00:26:59Is that a stupid human trick?
00:27:01Is it between two ferns or between the ferns?
00:27:04Between two ferns.
00:27:05Yeah, but that's apparent.
00:27:07Your show was on late.
00:27:08Everybody knew it was late.
00:27:09It was dark outside.
00:27:10Why did they call it the late show, or whatever they call it?
00:27:13If you're going to get nitpicky with titles of a...
00:27:15I'm just saying, between the ferns.
00:27:17Yes, between two ferns.
00:27:18Oh, one day you might go crazy and add a third.
00:27:21Then what are you going to do?
00:27:24I haven't thought about that.
00:27:25Yeah.
00:27:26Plenty you haven't thought about.
00:27:28Your son's name is Harry.
00:27:30Did you name him after your face?
00:27:32Named him after my late father.
00:27:36How do you feel now?
00:27:37Well, I didn't know it was going to go into a bummer story like that.
00:27:40No, I know.
00:27:40But you don't have the capacity for any sort of empathy or embarrassment.
00:27:44Can you take some constructive criticism?
00:27:48Yeah.
00:27:49People find you unpleasant.
00:27:54You love fast cars.
00:27:56And what other ways is your penis small?
00:27:59Can I just say something about this?
00:28:01Not once has anyone discussed with me my penis, my size of my penis, my use of my penis, or
00:28:09my testicles.
00:28:10So I'm just curious about the pathology behind this.
00:28:13Jesus Christ.
00:28:14What?
00:28:17What did you say?
00:28:18I said Jesus Christ.
00:28:19Stop talking.
00:28:20Do not editorialize right now, please.
00:28:22It's hard not to let it out when it's such a stupid thing you said.
00:28:28It's a lot of fun, really.
00:28:29Seriously, thank you very much.
00:28:30I know you got to run, so thanks.
00:28:32Yeah, thank you.
00:28:33I just wanted to say that, you know, this has been a real inspiration to me.
00:28:37Good, good.
00:28:38Because I want my own talk show.
00:28:40Great.
00:28:40Nightly talk show, because I think that'll make me happy like it made you happy.
00:28:45Yeah, I'm sure it will.
00:28:47Yeah, good luck on that.
00:28:49Okay.
00:28:50Make you happy.
00:28:51Right?
00:28:52Yeah.
00:28:53Yeah.
00:28:54Okay.
00:28:54All right.
00:28:55Thank you very much for your time.
00:28:56Which way do I go?
00:28:57Right up there where the guy is.
00:29:00Okay.
00:29:01Okay.
00:29:02Bye-bye.
00:29:02Try to stay off the grass.
00:29:06And the grass.
00:29:06All right.
00:29:06Bye-bye.
00:29:07Bye-bye.
00:29:08Take care.
00:29:12Bye-bye.
00:29:13Bye-bye.
00:29:15Bye-bye.
00:29:16Bye-bye.
00:29:17Bye-bye.
00:29:18What's going on?
00:29:19Are you going to, like, make us all smoosh in one shitty little room?
00:29:22No, Cam.
00:29:23I'm not one room with you.
00:29:24Good afternoon.
00:29:25Four rooms, please.
00:29:28Four separate rooms.
00:29:29Four separate rooms.
00:29:30One.
00:29:30Oh, good.
00:29:31We're just getting our own room.
00:29:32Two, three, and four.
00:29:34We're just getting our own room.
00:29:35Nice.
00:29:35That's nice.
00:29:37Nice.
00:29:46Carol!
00:29:48Thanks so much for doing the show.
00:29:50What are you doing in town?
00:29:51Oh, I'm here working on my foundation.
00:29:55What is it?
00:29:56Bones for Kids.
00:29:57It's for kids that are born without bones.
00:30:00God, that's terrible.
00:30:01I know.
00:30:02How can I help?
00:30:03You probably could stand to donate some arm bones.
00:30:06You don't need all those arm bones.
00:30:08This one you can keep.
00:30:09This one you can keep.
00:30:11Mm-hmm.
00:30:11But for some child, that's a shin.
00:30:14Hm.
00:30:16It seems like a bogus, like, like a bogus, um, charity thing with kids without boners.
00:30:23Bones.
00:30:23Without bones or something.
00:30:26Why were you putting the paper up to your...
00:30:28I could totally hear you.
00:30:29Quiet.
00:30:30Hi.
00:30:31Welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.
00:30:33My guest today is Paul Rudd.
00:30:36Thank you, Paul.
00:30:39Some people have it all.
00:30:40Looks.
00:30:41Talent.
00:30:43How does it feel to only have looks?
00:30:46Great.
00:30:47If you didn't look the way you do instead of acting, what do you think you would be doing?
00:30:51Shoveling shit?
00:30:53I read that you might quit acting and just disappear.
00:30:57Where did you read that?
00:30:59Right here.
00:30:59I wrote it down.
00:31:02Which do you prefer, being in Marvel movies or being in stuff that nobody's ever heard of?
00:31:08Uh, being in Marvel movies.
00:31:09I mean, do you go to your acting coach and go, I've got to play a goddamn aunt?
00:31:12What am I supposed to do?
00:31:13You lost me at acting coach.
00:31:15Yeah, that seems about right.
00:31:18What advice would you give to a young actor who wants to hide his Jewishness as well as you have?
00:31:22But I've never really tried to hide my Jewishness.
00:31:24I've really never tried to hide my Jewishness.
00:31:28Yeah.
00:31:29Jesus was Jewish and he didn't hide it.
00:31:31No, he put it out there for everybody to see.
00:31:35He's one of our best.
00:31:37You practicing?
00:31:38No, I'm not a practicing Jew.
00:31:42I perfected it.
00:31:51Zach?
00:31:52Yeah?
00:31:53Some bad news.
00:31:55Jake Gyllenhaal had to cancel.
00:31:57Why?
00:31:58He spelled his name wrong on his plane ticket.
00:32:00What?
00:32:01There's too many A's.
00:32:06I don't know what to do.
00:32:08Oh my God, Zach.
00:32:09Look over there.
00:32:10It's Chrissy Teigen.
00:32:11She's a supermodel.
00:32:13How super?
00:32:14She's married to John Legend.
00:32:21Go talk to her.
00:32:22You have to.
00:32:23Get up!
00:32:25Go! Go!
00:32:27Okay.
00:32:32Hi.
00:32:33Hi.
00:32:34Another Brandy Alexander, please.
00:32:39Hello.
00:32:40Oh my God.
00:32:41I know you.
00:32:42You do?
00:32:43Oh my God.
00:32:43You are the Between Two Ferns guy.
00:32:45I love your show.
00:32:47You've seen my show?
00:32:48Yes, I've seen it.
00:32:49Everybody's seen it.
00:32:49It's so funny.
00:32:50You are so uncomfortable and weird and awkward and all your guests, like you can tell they
00:32:57hate it, but they're there.
00:32:59I love it.
00:33:00Not really what I'm going for, but...
00:33:02Sorry.
00:33:03That's okay.
00:33:05Can I ask you a question?
00:33:07Shoot.
00:33:08How did you get started?
00:33:11How did you become...
00:33:13Everyone always asks me that, and it's actually a really funny story.
00:33:16So, it's 2003.
00:33:17This guy shows up at my door with this box, and there's this button inside, and he says,
00:33:22if you push this button, your greatest dream will come true.
00:33:25Hmm.
00:33:26But somebody, somewhere, will die.
00:33:29And so, I pushed it.
00:33:31Mr. Rogers died.
00:33:32What?
00:33:33And here I am.
00:33:35Wait, because you pushed the button?
00:33:36You think that's...
00:33:37I mean, he had a good life, so...
00:33:41I had a guest that dropped out just last minute for my talk show.
00:33:46Is there any way I can interview you?
00:33:50I actually have a better idea.
00:33:56You're touching my hand.
00:33:58Listen, what if we take this upstairs?
00:34:03What about John Legend?
00:34:06He's fine.
00:34:07He's probably at home polishing his EGOT.
00:34:09Is that what he calls his penis?
00:34:22Come on.
00:34:23Yeah.
00:34:36That was at my hotel room.
00:34:37How did you get that footage?
00:34:39There are cameras everywhere.
00:34:40You told me to never stop filming.
00:34:42This whole trip you've been filming me in every hotel room that I've been in?
00:34:45Yes.
00:34:49All right, this is not in the documentary.
00:34:51Right?
00:34:53At all.
00:34:55Destroy it.
00:34:57Now.
00:34:58But before you do, will you email me that?
00:35:06Hey guys, welcome to the Bear Pit.
00:35:08We cook with wood.
00:35:09Can I get you some honey gushers to start?
00:35:11What are honey gushers?
00:35:12It's just lemonade.
00:35:14Well, you really sell it.
00:35:15She's telling it like it is.
00:35:17I'll take the fried chicken plate.
00:35:19I'll get pork ribs.
00:35:21I want the special.
00:35:21I want the special.
00:35:22Do you have sushi?
00:35:23I could put some fish sticks on a rice pilaf, I guess.
00:35:27That's fine.
00:35:28Side of gravy.
00:35:29Good enough.
00:35:30I'll be right back with that, guys.
00:35:31Thank you so much for your patience.
00:35:33My name is Mike.
00:35:34Thanks, Mike.
00:35:34Thanks, Mike.
00:35:35You can call me Michael.
00:35:36Thanks, Mike.
00:35:38That's great, actually.
00:35:39Wow.
00:35:40We're gonna go to the bathroom.
00:35:40Does he really?
00:35:42Okay.
00:35:43Thank you so much.
00:35:45We got a celebrity.
00:35:46Oh, good.
00:35:48John Legend.
00:35:50Oh, I'm so excited.
00:35:52The...
00:35:52Yes, the piano man.
00:35:54Yeah.
00:35:55He just called his manager out of the blue this morning and was like,
00:35:57I want to be on that show.
00:35:58And he's on a plane right now, flying here.
00:36:00Right now?
00:36:00Yes.
00:36:01Here?
00:36:01He's rushed.
00:36:03Honestly, I've never heard someone sound so excited to do our show.
00:36:06No.
00:36:08Okay.
00:36:09Uh, yeah, so when is he coming?
00:36:11He's gonna be coming in a second.
00:36:12Where is he?
00:36:12Where is he going?
00:36:13His team said he was minutes away.
00:36:15There's a chance I might leave during the interview.
00:36:16Zach!
00:36:17What?
00:36:19Hi.
00:36:23How are you, buddy?
00:36:25So good to see you, man.
00:36:27I'm so excited to be here.
00:36:29Oh, good.
00:36:30Yeah, have a seat.
00:36:32Yeah.
00:36:32Okay.
00:36:33Okay.
00:36:33Okay.
00:36:35Oh, I've been wanting to be on your show for so long.
00:36:38I've been talking to my manager about it.
00:36:39I'm so excited to be here.
00:36:40Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:41Is everything okay, Zach?
00:36:43No, everything's fine.
00:36:44I just get the pre-show jitters sometimes.
00:36:48Okay.
00:36:50Hi, uh, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.
00:36:54I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, and my guest today is John Legend.
00:36:59Hey, Zach.
00:37:00Hey, John.
00:37:01Can I get an autograph from my mom?
00:37:02Sure, no problem.
00:37:04Because she wants to give it to her mom.
00:37:06Okay.
00:37:07Grandmas are great, too.
00:37:10You okay with all this?
00:37:12I'm so okay with it.
00:37:13I'm having such a great time.
00:37:15Are you having fun?
00:37:19We have something in common, which is we both love to tickle the ivories.
00:37:23You play the piano, and I love to make white people laugh.
00:37:27You are great.
00:37:29This is good stuff.
00:37:31You have many titles, uh, musician, actor, producer, philanthropist.
00:37:37But at the end of the day, aren't you just a millionaire who's married to a supermodel?
00:37:44Uh, I am married to a supermodel, yes.
00:37:48I look her up.
00:37:49He met her.
00:37:50You met her?
00:37:51I did?
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:53When?
00:37:53Yes, of course.
00:37:54In the bar.
00:37:56You met my wife in a bar?
00:37:58I meet a lot of people.
00:37:59I meet a lot of people.
00:38:00It was last night.
00:38:01You met my wife last night.
00:38:03What does she look like?
00:38:04She's gorgeous.
00:38:05I told you go over and talk to her.
00:38:07We can get an interview.
00:38:09I don't remember her.
00:38:10Why are you staring at me like this?
00:38:12What?
00:38:13I feel like you're trying to communicate something that I don't get.
00:38:15Shut up.
00:38:16What?
00:38:20Harold.
00:38:22Zach!
00:38:24That was fun, man.
00:38:25Yeah.
00:38:27Don't leave yet.
00:38:28Okay.
00:38:29Give me a hug, brother.
00:38:30Okay.
00:38:33I know what you did.
00:38:39Ow!
00:38:40Ah!
00:38:42Ah!
00:38:43Ah!
00:38:44Ah!
00:38:45Zach!
00:38:47Yeah.
00:38:48I'll be out in a second.
00:38:49Uh, just meet me at the back entrance.
00:38:52Zach!
00:38:53What just happened?
00:38:54He sprayed makes on my penis!
00:38:56What did you do?
00:38:57He's probably retaliating to set intercourse with his wife.
00:39:01What?
00:39:02I had sex with a crazy E.D.
00:39:06No, you didn't.
00:39:07Why else would he come and spray me where it happened?
00:39:10Ew.
00:39:11He'll go away in like a half hour.
00:39:13I've been sprayed before.
00:39:14It's not bad.
00:39:18Oh, God!
00:39:26Excuse me.
00:39:27Mr. Hamm?
00:39:28Hi.
00:39:28Hi.
00:39:28My name is Zach.
00:39:30I have a public access talk show.
00:39:31And I was wondering if you would like to be a guest on it.
00:39:36Absolutely.
00:39:37Guys, we're gonna need to take a quick break.
00:39:39My friend Jack just asked me to be on this, uh, TV show and I don't say no to anything,
00:39:43so, uh...
00:39:43Thank you so much.
00:39:46The Me Too movement has been an important learning process for men.
00:39:49Do you feel like you've missed out on that because every woman you've ever met just wants
00:39:53to fuck your brains out?
00:39:55Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced, directed, and starred in A Star Is Born.
00:39:59I hear it's great.
00:40:00Are you hoping that will open doors for other hot idiots?
00:40:04Uh, you know.
00:40:05At what point during the making of Tag, did you guys realize that you were making one
00:40:09of the most iconic pieces of mediocrity ever produced?
00:40:16Oh, my goodness.
00:40:19My guest today is Haley Steinfeld.
00:40:22All right.
00:40:23Nice to have you here, Staley.
00:40:25Stay.
00:40:25Stay.
00:40:26Nice to have you here, Staley.
00:40:29You were in Pitch Perfect 2 and 3.
00:40:31Do you ever wish you had been in The Good One?
00:40:35You have 12 million Instagram followers.
00:40:37How long did it take you to apologize to each one of them for Bumblebee?
00:40:41I walked out of that movie.
00:40:43I'm just kidding.
00:40:44I didn't walk out of that movie.
00:40:46I skipped out because I was so happy to be leaving.
00:40:49Wow.
00:40:50You dated a guy from One Direction.
00:40:52Which One Direction was his penis pointing, north or south?
00:40:57Are we done?
00:41:01Hey, Zach, can I get this?
00:41:02Absolutely.
00:41:03Matter of fact, if you guys want some trinkets too, it's on me.
00:41:06My trinkets.
00:41:14My guest today is Aquafina.
00:41:17Aquafina.
00:41:18Like the water?
00:41:19Well, it's spelled differently.
00:41:21You've been raping since the age of 13.
00:41:23Wrapping.
00:41:24Wrapping.
00:41:25That makes more sense.
00:41:27You starred in Oceans 8.
00:41:29It's a great movie.
00:41:30I'd love to see an all-male reboot of Oceans 8.
00:41:34That would be nice.
00:41:35Yeah, it exists already.
00:41:37A couple of them.
00:41:38A couple of what?
00:41:39Male versions?
00:41:40Yeah.
00:41:40The female Oceans 8?
00:41:41Oceans 8 was a reboot of a male.
00:41:42Next thing you're gonna tell me, there's a male Ghostbusters.
00:41:44There is.
00:41:46It's with, um...
00:41:47Leslie Jones.
00:41:48No.
00:41:53You got famous for peeing from a zip line.
00:41:56What's your next project?
00:41:57Queefing on a ski lift?
00:41:58No, I already queefed on a podcast.
00:42:00Is that how you got your nickname, Queef Latifah?
00:42:03Possibly.
00:42:04Do you ever wish people would stop calling you a female comedian?
00:42:07Yeah.
00:42:08Don't you think they should just call you a black comedian?
00:42:10It's better than them calling me a male comedian.
00:42:13You were raised in the foster care system, which brings us to our sponsor, Foster's Beer.
00:42:17Can you just look at this camera right here?
00:42:20And say, Foster's Beer.
00:42:22The best beer for foster kids.
00:42:24I'm not, I'm not doing that.
00:42:26No.
00:42:46Can I just take a second?
00:42:49I wanted to, um...
00:42:51I just want to thank you guys for going on this venture with me.
00:42:55And, uh, this has been a dream of mine.
00:42:58As a kid, I realized that people love to point and laugh and look at me.
00:43:03And I knew then, I have the it factor.
00:43:08So, I just wanted to thank you guys for helping me capitalize on that.
00:43:12Hey, I want to say, when we first started on this whole trip, I found you to be annoying and
00:43:17hard to be around.
00:43:18And that hasn't changed.
00:43:21I'm kidding.
00:43:22Ha!
00:43:23Yeah, I know, yeah.
00:43:24That's why it's funny, because it has changed.
00:43:26I actually, you know, I think, I don't know, I kind of, I kind of, I like you.
00:43:31Wow.
00:43:32Well, thank you, Cam.
00:43:35You're welcome.
00:43:36Well, I'd like to say a little something, too.
00:43:38Ever since my dad shot my mom and then killed himself, I, I felt kind of unmoored, but you've made
00:43:44me really feel stable and needed, so thank you so much.
00:43:47What?
00:43:48Oh, yeah, my dad killed my mom and then killed himself, because...
00:43:52When, when did that happen?
00:43:53A while ago.
00:43:54Like a month.
00:43:55You didn't take any time off of work?
00:43:57You didn't say anything?
00:43:58I'm fine.
00:44:01I'd like to do a toast, if that's possible.
00:44:02Yeah.
00:44:03Yeah.
00:44:03Let's do a toast.
00:44:04Okay.
00:44:06Here's to the crazy ones.
00:44:08The misfits.
00:44:10Maniacs.
00:44:11To the loonies.
00:44:12And ding-dongs.
00:44:14Some people would say that we're the crazy ones.
00:44:16But I think we're geniuses, because we're crazy enough to try to change this ding-dong crazy world.
00:44:29Cheers.
00:44:30That was a great speech.
00:44:32Would you like to, uh, dance?
00:44:35Yes.
00:44:35With me, though?
00:44:37Yep.
00:44:37Okay.
00:44:38Okay.
00:44:44Do you wanna dance?
00:44:45No one dance alone.
00:44:52Come on, Cam.
00:44:54Come on.
00:44:57Come on.
00:44:58Come on.
00:44:58Come on.
00:44:58Come on.
00:44:59Anyone who knows what love is
00:45:02would understand.
00:45:04You've always had me
00:45:11Walking on a string
00:45:14Hello?
00:45:16Hi.
00:45:17Room 203.
00:45:18There should be some...several rooms under that.
00:45:21Yes.
00:45:21Here's your receipt.
00:45:23I hope you enjoyed your stay.
00:45:25Thank you very much.
00:45:27What are all these charges?
00:45:29It's itemized, sir.
00:45:30I just, I didn't realize when the, when you take out the, um, the crackers of the, on the snack,
00:45:36the snack drawer that they charge you for, or the drinks.
00:45:38You didn't realize that?
00:45:39Well, I didn't know, like, even if you put it back, you're still charged.
00:45:42You, you eat it, or drink it.
00:45:44Yes.
00:45:45Did you eat the stuff, too?
00:45:46I moved it and then I ate it, yeah.
00:45:48But I, I, just cause I move it, I shouldn't be charged.
00:45:51What are these?
00:45:52Those look like...
00:45:53I rented one movie.
00:45:55Big deal.
00:45:57Is that porn?
00:45:59I thought it was Analyze This, but it was Analyze This.
00:46:02Cause they didn't even have to change the spelling of it.
00:46:04I, you rented Analyze This several times in a row.
00:46:07I kept hitting it cause I was, well, maybe Analyze This will cause...
00:46:10The point being is...
00:46:12You should see the guy playing Billy Crystal, by the way.
00:46:16I'm not paying for this.
00:46:17You've already paid for it.
00:46:18This is just your receipt.
00:46:20But I'm saying I'm not paying for it.
00:46:22Again.
00:46:28I'm hungry.
00:46:29I'm starving.
00:46:30I'm so hungry.
00:46:31You guys wanna do a family style type thing?
00:46:34No, I, I think we each wanted to get our own thing.
00:46:36I was...
00:46:37Hey gang, can you get a chance to look at the menus here?
00:46:39I'll take a grape juice.
00:46:41Uh, no, we'll have, uh, four waters for the table.
00:46:43No grape juice.
00:46:44Can I get an orange soda?
00:46:46Okay, orange.
00:46:46We'll split.
00:46:47Maybe we can split a soda three ways.
00:46:49Can you do one soda with two extra cups, but just charge us once and then put the other
00:46:52two?
00:46:52Just put refills in it.
00:46:53It just has to be one cup you all share.
00:46:57I can bring four straws.
00:46:59Sweet.
00:47:00Cool.
00:47:01How many clam strips come in an order?
00:47:03Six.
00:47:04How big are they?
00:47:05Well, have you ever seen a chicken strip?
00:47:07I've never seen a chicken wear clothes.
00:47:10No, I mean like baked into a strip.
00:47:13No.
00:47:15You bake them?
00:47:15That's fine.
00:47:16One is good.
00:47:17We're gonna order the clam strips and a scoop of tuna.
00:47:19And can I get a, uh, mug of hot water, please?
00:47:26What were you saying earlier about your buddy Martin Freeman being the only good part of
00:47:30Black Panther?
00:47:31What?
00:47:32It's just a weird thing to say to someone you just met.
00:47:34But I didn't say that.
00:47:35Ready?
00:47:36Hi, welcome to another edition of, uh, Between Two Ferns.
00:47:39I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, and my guest today is Benedict Cumberbatch.
00:47:47Benedict Cumberbatch.
00:47:48Banana.
00:47:51Benedict Cumberbatch.
00:47:52Benedict, Cumberbatch.
00:47:58Benedict Cumberbatch.
00:47:59That's what it is.
00:48:01Yep.
00:48:01You once said you're your own worst critic.
00:48:04So you haven't read any of your reviews.
00:48:06No, I know. I try not to.
00:48:08Has there ever been anything negative written about it?
00:48:09Oh, yeah. Horse-faced, wooden...
00:48:13I see that. Now that you say that, yes, that I do see.
00:48:16Yeah.
00:48:17You got your start doing theatre and independent films.
00:48:20I did.
00:48:20And now you're acting in Marvel movies.
00:48:22How good does it feel to sell out?
00:48:27I don't think it's a sellout.
00:48:28I think they're pretty cool films.
00:48:30There's a lot for an actor to do in them.
00:48:31Do you wear a cape?
00:48:33No, I wear a cloak.
00:48:37Do you think you play smart characters like Sherlock Holmes
00:48:40because you have a...
00:48:41You have one of these, you know, these faces.
00:48:44Is there a... Let's just get a close-up here.
00:48:47It's a face that can go either way.
00:48:49It can use inductive reasoning to solve mysteries,
00:48:51or it's the type of face that masturbates all day
00:48:54wearing a helmet.
00:48:56It's a fine line.
00:48:59You played Vincent van Gogh in a movie.
00:49:01I did, yes.
00:49:03This is Vincent van Gogh answering his cell phone.
00:49:06Hello?
00:49:08Hello?
00:49:10Hello?
00:49:12If you didn't have an accent,
00:49:13do you think people would be able to tell
00:49:14that you're not a very good actor?
00:49:16Yeah, no, I think my accent probably does help.
00:49:18That's true.
00:49:19Can you do an American accent?
00:49:21Yes, I can.
00:49:23Um...
00:49:23Okay, maybe I'll give you a few words.
00:49:25Sure.
00:49:26That's a nice bicycle you have there, my young son.
00:49:31Well, that's a nice bicycle you have there, my young son.
00:49:35Pervert.
00:49:36Get away from me.
00:49:37Pervert.
00:49:38Get away from me.
00:49:38No, that's me responding.
00:49:39No, that's me responding.
00:49:42You have a rabid fan base.
00:49:44A what?
00:49:45You have a rabid.
00:49:46I thought you said rabbit.
00:49:46Sorry.
00:49:48What?
00:49:49I said rabbit.
00:49:49It's vowels with you,
00:49:50so I can't sometimes understand what you're saying.
00:49:53All right, I'll say rabbit.
00:49:54You have a rabbit fan base.
00:49:55Is that what you want me to say?
00:49:56You have a fan base full of rabbits.
00:49:59Rabid.
00:50:00Do they fuck a lot while they come see your plays?
00:50:03Are the rabbits always having sex in the audience while...
00:50:06Unbelievable.
00:50:07Are you good friends with the Easter Bunny?
00:50:09Do you know bugs?
00:50:20Everything good?
00:50:21All right.
00:50:22Get kind of heated in there with...
00:50:23with cumber...
00:50:24cumber cle...
00:50:25cumber cleach.
00:50:26It's Dick or Flick Cabbage Patch.
00:50:28I just...
00:50:29Look, I...
00:50:31I don't want to put this on...
00:50:33on you guys, but, uh...
00:50:34we're in a little bit of a...
00:50:37budget situation.
00:50:38We're strapped for cash right now.
00:50:39That's okay.
00:50:40You just call Will Ferrell.
00:50:42Oh, yeah.
00:50:42He can send us more money.
00:50:43You can call him right now.
00:50:44Don't...
00:50:46Don't do that.
00:50:48When I said that he was bank...
00:50:49bankrolling, uh,
00:50:50this project,
00:50:51I meant...
00:50:52I meant he was bankrolling it
00:50:54in the future tense.
00:50:56What?
00:50:57He didn't give us any money up front
00:50:59and we're running low.
00:51:01So you lied about Will Ferrell?
00:51:02Oh, that's great.
00:51:03Let me guess.
00:51:04He... he never actually said
00:51:05that we could be a part of the show.
00:51:07Did you lie about that too?
00:51:08As soon as we get to Los Angeles,
00:51:10everything will be fine.
00:51:11We're not gonna leave you guys behind.
00:51:13We're... we're friends.
00:51:14Oh, are we?
00:51:15Are we?
00:51:16Or are we just a bunch of dumb shits
00:51:18that you tricked into doing
00:51:19unpaid labor for you?
00:51:21Come on.
00:51:22Come on.
00:51:27Carol.
00:51:42Hi, Norma.
00:51:43Hi, Tessa.
00:51:44What are you doing out here
00:51:45in the middle of nowhere anyway?
00:51:46I'm researching for a film
00:51:48that I'm doing next.
00:51:49What kind of research?
00:51:50I'm just learning how to be a boring person.
00:51:53Oh, really?
00:51:54My guest today is...
00:51:56Tesla Thompson.
00:51:57Tesla.
00:51:58Tesla Thompson?
00:51:59No, Tes... yeah.
00:52:00Just Tessa.
00:52:01Like the car.
00:52:02No, no.
00:52:03Tesla, like the car.
00:52:03Unlike the car, like...
00:52:04But you said...
00:52:04It says Tessa, parenthetically,
00:52:08like the car.
00:52:09But you don't say it like you say the car,
00:52:11because then that's not my name.
00:52:12I drive a Tessa.
00:52:14You were in Creed?
00:52:15Mm-hmm.
00:52:16What's Scott Stapp like?
00:52:17Who?
00:52:18The singer in your band.
00:52:20Are you in Creed?
00:52:21It says you were in Creed.
00:52:22No, the movie, not the band.
00:52:24Oh.
00:52:24Well, what's Scott Stapp like?
00:52:27I never...
00:52:27I didn't...
00:52:28We didn't meet,
00:52:29because I'm...
00:52:30They weren't involved in the movie.
00:52:33But would you like to meet him one day?
00:52:35I mean, I could...
00:52:36Yeah, sure.
00:52:36If the opportunity presented itself
00:52:38and I didn't have to drive anywhere, yeah.
00:52:40Women are always being told
00:52:42to watch their weight in Hollywood.
00:52:43So why do you think so many actresses
00:52:45could still stand to lose a few pounds?
00:52:47I mean, you look at Hollywood
00:52:49and all the men that get to age gracefully,
00:52:51it looks like they haven't been to a gym.
00:52:54They get to come in disheveled
00:52:56and they look like they need to shower
00:52:58and they're wearing just like some blazer.
00:53:01And be told that they just look distinguished,
00:53:03but really they just look pretty disgusting, so...
00:53:07Yeah, I hear ya.
00:53:08That's-that's gotta be frustrating.
00:53:10Yeah.
00:53:14So this is like a shortcut?
00:53:16Where are we going?
00:53:17I don't know if this is where you check in or...
00:53:19I don't know.
00:53:20We'll see.
00:53:21We'll see what's going on.
00:53:29This looks weird.
00:53:30Where are we?
00:53:31This is where we're staying tonight.
00:53:33You said we were staying at the Four Seasons.
00:53:35I said that we were staying at a place
00:53:38that was closed for three of the seasons.
00:53:40What?
00:53:40That's exactly what I said.
00:53:42No!
00:53:42For you guys to run your mouth...
00:53:44No!
00:53:45You are a liar and you have deceived us.
00:53:47Yes, it's an abandoned campground.
00:53:50Let's just stay here for the night and have some fun.
00:53:53He's crazy.
00:53:54He's literally losing it.
00:53:56He's under a lot of stress,
00:53:57but we only have one more episode to go.
00:54:00Hey, Zack found a fishing pole,
00:54:01so we're going to go on the lake and try to catch something.
00:54:08Let me put the hot dog on it.
00:54:11You have a hot dog?
00:54:12Yeah.
00:54:13We could have eaten that.
00:54:14You want a piece?
00:54:15No, I don't want a piece.
00:54:16I can give you that one.
00:54:17It's been in your pocket all day.
00:54:18It's only two days old.
00:54:19It's fine.
00:54:20Hot dogs keep.
00:54:21Use it.
00:54:22Fine.
00:54:25Just give me a second.
00:54:32Get caught.
00:54:33You got to get a...
00:54:34God almighty.
00:54:36Hey.
00:54:40What's going on?
00:54:41I just feel like...
00:54:43We're...
00:54:43What are we doing?
00:54:46I'm fishing on a giant goose looking for food.
00:54:50You got this.
00:54:51You're going to catch us fish for dinner.
00:54:54We're all going to eat like kings tonight.
00:54:56And you're going to make a TV show that's going to change the entire world.
00:55:00Okay?
00:55:01I believe in you.
00:55:03You can't just give up when someone believes in you.
00:55:10I don't know what I'd do without you, Carol.
00:55:12I really don't.
00:55:17If you could do anything with your life, what would it be?
00:55:20Forget me.
00:55:22Forget the cable access.
00:55:23What would you do?
00:55:24Once upon a time, I thought about being a trumpet player.
00:55:29That was right before we left on this trip.
00:55:30I bought a trumpet.
00:55:35That was in your purse?
00:55:36Yeah.
00:55:37Just in case I ever get the guts to give it a two.
00:55:40Well, what are you afraid of?
00:55:43I'm scared I might be too good at it.
00:55:45I'll have to leave you.
00:55:47Well, then you become a famous trumpeter and you leave me behind.
00:55:51It's okay.
00:55:52If you want to play the trumpet, go ahead.
00:55:54Lip up.
00:55:55Give that thing a toots.
00:55:57Okay.
00:55:59Okay.
00:56:02I watched a ton of videos on how to do it.
00:56:23It's a good start.
00:56:24You play that trumpet.
00:56:26I'm going to catch you some fish.
00:56:40Okay, everybody.
00:56:41Can everybody gather around, please?
00:56:42Gather around.
00:56:44All right.
00:56:45So, we're at Peter Dinklage's house.
00:56:47This is our last interview.
00:56:48Obviously, he's as rich as Croesus.
00:56:50I have a plan.
00:56:52Carol, he's going to be distracted during the interview.
00:56:55I need you to steal some of his stuff.
00:56:58What?
00:56:58What?
00:56:59No.
00:56:59We're not stealing.
00:57:01Not a lot of stuff.
00:57:02Just enough stuff so I can sell it later.
00:57:04So we have some dough.
00:57:05No, I don't feel comfortable with that.
00:57:06You don't have to do that.
00:57:07Okay, I'll do it.
00:57:09You have to work the camera.
00:57:10Plus, you're too stupid.
00:57:13Carol, if we don't get to Los Angeles,
00:57:16our talk show dreams are over.
00:57:20Please.
00:57:23Okay.
00:57:25Let's steal Peter Dinklage's stuff.
00:57:27Okay.
00:57:28Yeah.
00:57:29Okay.
00:57:30Game faces.
00:57:31Let's go.
00:57:32All right.
00:57:33I'll get the ferns.
00:57:41Hey, yeah.
00:57:42The ferns, people.
00:57:45Come on.
00:57:48Come on, don't be shy.
00:57:51Late one last night.
00:57:53Oh, wow.
00:57:54What a fancy house.
00:57:56Tell us about all of your expensive things.
00:57:59All right.
00:58:00I was just about to anyway.
00:58:03You're noticing my Warhol, I see.
00:58:05Wow.
00:58:06Must be really expensive.
00:58:08About 250K.
00:58:10Got that for a steal.
00:58:11Was LaCroix around back then?
00:58:13Yeah.
00:58:13Ah, LaCroix.
00:58:15Seems like it must be hard to get that off the wall.
00:58:18Over here.
00:58:22Winds of Winter by George R. R. Martin?
00:58:24It's not even out yet.
00:58:26I bet that would fetch a pretty penny on the open market.
00:58:29Check this out.
00:58:33Et voila.
00:58:35Mm-hmm.
00:58:36Are those Fabergé eggs?
00:58:38Yes, they are indeed.
00:58:39Wow.
00:58:40You know what's the most amazing thing about this, though?
00:58:44Uh...
00:58:44Fabergé egg carton.
00:58:47Wow.
00:58:47Is that worth a lot of money?
00:58:48Oh.
00:58:49Like, how much?
00:58:50Oh.
00:58:51You can't even think of a number that high.
00:58:53Okay, great.
00:58:55We'll set up for the interview.
00:58:56We're gonna do the interview first.
00:58:57Yeah, let's do it.
00:59:03Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.
00:59:06I'm your host, uh, Zach Galifianakis, and my guest today is Peter Dinklage.
00:59:12Uh, thank you for joining me, Mr. Dinklage.
00:59:15Mm-hmm.
00:59:15Dinklage.
00:59:17Is that an STD?
00:59:20Uh, I think in German it's Von Dinklage, but...
00:59:23Why did you keep your real name?
00:59:25I mean, if someone said to me,
00:59:27you have to start an acting career with the name Peter Dinklage...
00:59:31I'm thinking of other choices I could have made right now.
00:59:35Well, Galifianakis is his stage name.
00:59:37What's your real name?
00:59:38My real name is Chad Farthouse.
00:59:41That doesn't sound right.
00:59:43There's a kid on the Disney Channel, uh, Chad Farthouse.
00:59:48He's in one of the Wizards of Waverly Place with that last name.
00:59:52So I had to change my name.
00:59:55You're an X-Men, right?
00:59:58You know who my favorite X-Man is?
01:00:01Caitlyn Jenner.
01:00:02And by the way, that's not an offensive joke.
01:00:05I'm honestly under the impression that she was in the X-Men movies.
01:00:10You were in ALF, right?
01:00:13ALF.
01:00:14No, I mean you were in ALF, the costume.
01:00:18Um, hey.
01:00:19Can I, can I just real quick?
01:00:21And it's important that you look at my face
01:00:23because I think of the sincerity in this question
01:00:24as reading in my face.
01:00:26Tell us about how fun it was to be in Pixels.
01:00:29Pixels, was that a fun challenge?
01:00:31Hey, she's taking my eggs.
01:00:34Hey, why?
01:00:35Let's go.
01:00:35Hey, go!
01:00:36Grab it!
01:00:37Grab it!
01:00:38Shit!
01:00:38What are you doing?
01:00:41My egg!
01:00:42My precious egg!
01:00:44Oh!
01:00:45Fuck your green pepper!
01:00:47Shit!
01:00:48Why didn't I get attack dogs?
01:00:51Well, I still have $102 million in my savings account alone.
01:00:58You'll be fine, Peter.
01:00:59You're a survivor!
01:01:01You will survive.
01:01:03He's had to make it loud.
01:01:05I don't think so.
01:01:06You guys got a little cash from selling Mr. Dinklage's eggs.
01:01:09Now all we have to do is get to Los Angeles by 9 a.m.
01:01:11and get this show to Mr. Will Ferrell.
01:01:13Yes!
01:01:14Get in!
01:01:16Get in!
01:01:16Get in!
01:01:18Get in!
01:01:33Get in!
01:02:00What's this?
01:02:05Check my email, password, Jesus, that's Jesus, always do that.
01:02:36What happened to all my music?
01:02:54What happened?
01:03:02Are you kidding?
01:03:04What the fuck?
01:03:06We're fucked!
01:03:08We're never gonna make it to Los Angeles now.
01:03:10Where are my ferns?
01:03:13Where are the f-
01:03:15Wait!
01:03:16Hey!
01:03:18You animal!
01:03:21My ferns!
01:03:22My ferns!
01:03:25They're ruined!
01:03:29My ferns are ruined!
01:03:30Zach, don't worry, we can get you new ferns.
01:03:33I'm not thinking this is no way to get a talk show!
01:03:36Driving around the country!
01:03:37There's absolutely no way we can make it to Los Angeles in time.
01:03:41It's okay.
01:03:42All we have to do is just walk to the nearest town.
01:03:44I'm no good for you guys.
01:03:48Just get away from me.
01:03:50It's over.
01:03:51I'm going back home.
01:03:52Zach, you can't give up.
01:03:53I need you.
01:03:54Yeah?
01:03:55Well, I can't do it anymore.
01:03:59You leave.
01:04:03Let's go.
01:04:11Are you sure?
01:04:24The things you said are hanging in the middle of my mind tonight.
01:04:34I can't turn no more.
01:04:37Okay, will you just stop helping, please?
01:04:40He told me to get everything!
01:04:43All right, thank you.
01:04:44Please, just turn the camera.
01:04:47Stop!
01:04:47Please bring me back here.
01:04:53Into the garden.
01:04:57By the hand.
01:05:00You would always have me.
01:05:03Bring where do you want?
01:05:05You're walking on the street.
01:05:10I'm okay, I'll get you.
01:05:12All right, just please.
01:05:14And as you can see, Jim is still in the lead, but we did have to deduct 250 points because
01:05:19during the break, our judges have ruled that Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of
01:05:24the United States.
01:05:25Tina, from Houston, Texas.
01:05:28Texas, represent.
01:05:29And you said you had a very special reason for being here on the show tonight.
01:05:33It's because I'd love to take my friends on a vacation.
01:05:35They really deserve it, and they mean everything to me.
01:05:39And I would love to show them that I am not a failure, and that I just appreciate them.
01:05:45Do you feel like a failure now?
01:05:46Currently, yeah.
01:05:48But you want to prove that you are not one.
01:05:49And I think I can do it today.
01:05:51Well, Tina, you are down by quite a bit, but you still have a chance to catch up and win.
01:05:57That's why we call this show, Don't Give Up!
01:06:01Don't give up.
01:06:02Walking on a street.
01:06:05I can't away.
01:06:09Can't escape it.
01:06:11Gero!
01:06:12You'll always walk away back in.
01:06:15Gero!
01:06:17Gero!
01:06:18Gero!
01:06:18Oh my God!
01:06:19Gero!
01:06:23You were right.
01:06:24I should never give up.
01:06:26I just want to thank you for believing in me.
01:06:27Everything's fine!
01:06:28We found a guy. He's going to take us all the way to Los Angeles.
01:06:30Come on, get the car.
01:06:31Let's go. Get the car.
01:06:49Thanks, Jack.
01:06:54Come on, come on, come on, come on.
01:06:55Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
01:06:58What time is it? Do you know what that means?
01:06:59No.
01:06:59Nobody wears a watch.
01:07:00Come on, come on.
01:07:02Jack, go.
01:07:04This way, this way, this way, this way.
01:07:06This person, just go.
01:07:07Go, go, go, go.
01:07:16Mr. Farrell?
01:07:19Mr. Farrell, it's Zach Galifianakis from the internet show.
01:07:24I've got those tapes that you, that you wanted.
01:07:27Hello?
01:07:32Jesus Christ!
01:07:33What is that?
01:07:35It's a teeth whitener.
01:07:36Oh.
01:07:42Gently place the bag on the floor and kick it over to me.
01:07:45Slowly.
01:07:47Slowly.
01:07:51Gently.
01:07:52Gently.
01:07:55Now kick it as hard as you can across the floor.
01:07:59Keep kicking them.
01:08:03That's as hard as you can kick?
01:08:05Do it.
01:08:09Push it if you have to.
01:08:21They're all they are.
01:08:25Yeah.
01:08:31Episode 10.
01:08:34Nice job, Zachy baby.
01:08:36I knew you were going to say something like that.
01:08:37I told you right here.
01:08:38Yeah, you did.
01:08:38I said Zachy baby and he said it.
01:08:40We did your task.
01:08:43And now.
01:08:45You may leave.
01:08:48You told me that if I delivered those tapes.
01:08:52You would give me my own network talk show.
01:08:55Our own talk show.
01:08:56Are you forgetting the pro of the quid pro quo?
01:08:59I asked you to deliver 10 episodes of your show.
01:09:02Yeah, yeah.
01:09:03By 9am.
01:09:04Yeah, it's 9am.
01:09:05It's before 9am.
01:09:079am.
01:09:09Tokyo time.
01:09:10Before the markets open.
01:09:13I can't do anything with these.
01:09:15They are worthless to me.
01:09:17You fat idiot.
01:09:21How could we have known there's no way?
01:09:22It makes sense though.
01:09:23Let's just go.
01:09:24Let's just get out of here.
01:09:25Mr. Galifianakis.
01:09:27Your television contract.
01:09:31For one big fancy network talk show.
01:09:40What is this?
01:09:41What is this?
01:09:41What is it?
01:09:42I was fucking with you.
01:09:44What do you mean?
01:09:45You know why I was fucking with you?
01:09:47Because that's what celebrities do to each other.
01:09:50You were just cloonied.
01:09:52What?
01:09:53You won.
01:09:54I'm getting my own network talk show.
01:09:56You're about to be a TV star.
01:09:58Oh my God.
01:10:00Yeah.
01:10:01Oh my God.
01:10:13My two ferns.
01:10:16You know they were destroyed and.
01:10:19I don't know if I can do a show without them.
01:10:21You sign that contract.
01:10:24And I'll give you something way better than two ferns.
01:10:28Three ferns?
01:10:31Twenty.
01:10:32No.
01:10:33Four ferns.
01:10:34Four ferns!
01:10:35Four ferns?
01:10:36Four ferns!
01:10:37Four ferns!
01:10:39Four ferns!
01:10:42USA!
01:10:44USA!
01:10:45USA!
01:10:46USA!
01:10:47USA!
01:10:48USA!
01:10:58What?
01:10:58Ah!
01:10:58Welcome back.
01:10:59I'm Zacky G and you're watching my first episode of Ferns.
01:11:07Give it up for DJ Pfwap.
01:11:11What's going on, Zacky G?
01:11:15okay let's get to our very first guest ever according to wikipedia she is five foot ten
01:11:22and was born april 30th 1985 please welcome our guest gal gadatz oh gal
01:11:42oh how wonderful is this gal gadatz here thank you so much for having me and i'm so honored to
01:11:50be the
01:11:50first guest on your first show i've never been someone's first before so all right so uh gal
01:11:58here comes my first first question no gal um you played uh wonder woman i'm wondering woman how fun
01:12:07was that it was amazing it was so much fun
01:12:42the ratings are solid in all four quadrants a slight dip in seniors over 80 but you make up for
01:12:47with
01:12:47pregnant mothers which technically counts as watching for two oh hey guys have a minute
01:12:52with them sure you saw that huh yeah we did yeah what was that all about i thought it was
01:13:00so good
01:13:00i mean did you see the chemistry between me and gal it was unbelievable the the back and forth we
01:13:06had
01:13:06i don't think that's what carol meant yeah it's different from what you usually do okay yeah all
01:13:11right so mr farrell and i talked about the old me and the old me's not gonna work for this
01:13:17you guys
01:13:18this is the new me this is the new zg celebrities don't want to be insulted they just want to
01:13:22talk
01:13:23about their fascinating lives but don't you kind of feel like a sellout can you really call it a
01:13:27sellout when they give you a free tesla for doing the show that's literally the definition of selling
01:13:31out zach do you really want to be like will ferrell some washed up has-been who takes cameos in
01:13:37hollywood movies just to get another day's worth of cocaine you know i didn't even like you before
01:13:42we took this trip to hollywood but at least then i knew who you were i don't i don't know
01:13:47who this
01:13:47person is that you're pretending to be so are you just saying that i should just forget everything
01:13:54just just drop my dreams my childhood dreams zach we need you on set to shoot promos for tomorrow's
01:14:02show zach we're leaving we're gonna drive back to north carolina cheryl called and said they
01:14:08rebuilt the studio we can have our old jobs back cheryl you're the one that told me to never give
01:14:13up
01:14:14i know and i still believe in you zach but this isn't you zach are you coming
01:14:52hey guys wait for me i had to get my ferns zach what we thought you chose the show over
01:14:58us
01:14:58why just because i walked into the studio silently without telling you what i was doing
01:15:01have more faith of course i'm going with you guys you're coming yes you're coming with us yes
01:15:07all right let's go let's go carol you were right hollywood's not for us it has a need to sanitize
01:15:17everything to slap a happy ending on everything so let's get out of here and drive off into the
01:15:24sunset together because all i need are my friends my show and my friends
01:15:37we'll just get some new ones i'll drive okay
01:15:47bradley co-bradley cooper co-wrote produced directed and starred in a star is born i haven't
01:15:54seen it are you hoping that will open doors for other hot idiots
01:16:01such a good question
01:16:06so sorry oh i'm so sorry let's take that one back and uh we had this uh young woman heroic
01:16:13young
01:16:13woman malala uh on the show and um known the world over not big in north america now you you
01:16:23i can tell
01:16:23by that look that you have no idea what i'm talking about yeah i know who you're talking about
01:16:27who adam carolla is that who you said
01:16:34that's why i have this look on my face wow if you didn't have an accent do you think people
01:16:39would be able to tell that you're not a very good actor
01:16:48please keep going i read online that you're very private and declined to answer questions that make
01:16:53you feel uncomfortable this is a two-parter
01:16:56is that true and how old were you when you got your period
01:17:01do you ever go to the dmz no it's a combination of tmz and the dmv that's that's just a
01:17:08bunch of people
01:17:08sitting around talking about their driver's license
01:17:17talking about celebrity driver's license oh my gosh she's got a c-class of hers
01:17:25oh james franco wears corrective lenses
01:17:34you used to live in your car yep is it as fun as it sounds or is there a downside
01:17:45would you say that your work in la la land really helped pave the way for white people to explain
01:17:50jazz to black people
01:17:57all right let me get that out sorry you guys we'll be right back with who gives a shit
01:18:05i mean what did you read something last night and were so eager to come tell a bunch of young
01:18:10people about what you're
01:18:13yes i did i did do a lot of reading
01:18:16when you and woody harrelson are acting in a scene together are you sad that somewhere there's a sack
01:18:21not being hackied
01:18:27that's good a sack not being hackied
01:18:30what was the marijuana budget on true detective
01:18:37and are you have you smoked a lot of that budget today
01:18:42oh shit you know a guy that has a tesla
01:18:47i won the e-golf
01:18:49you know what an e-god is
01:18:51no oh an e-god
01:18:52stupid
01:18:54it's amazing that this is even a thing
01:18:56an e-god or this thing
01:18:58this
01:18:59i wasn't talking about the e-god
01:19:08there's a kid on the disney channel uh chad fart house he's in one of the wizards of waverly place
01:19:20your face
01:19:21how does anybody do this your face
01:19:23sorry
01:19:24is not helping
01:19:27do you hear that
01:19:28no i don't hear anything
01:19:30that is the sound of everybody talking about your performance in big little lies
01:19:36no one cares
01:19:39that's so mean
01:19:42your parents got divorced when you were seven
01:19:45was that your fault
01:19:49guess why they named their daughter after a fucking piece of cheese
01:19:56again i'd like to thank crystal meth santa claus for being here
01:20:03don draper's suit hangs in the smithsonian museum
01:20:06yes it does
01:20:07it's an honor
01:20:07yeah
01:20:08right next to the cosby sweater
01:20:22what advice would you give to a young actor who wants to hide his jewishness as well as you have
01:20:36you know what happens when a jewish guy
01:20:39uh walks into a brick wall with a full erection
01:20:44what he breaks his nose
01:20:47i knew that was the answer
01:20:50i did too and i laughed
01:20:52i've told that joke
01:20:53did you just come up with a joke
01:20:55that's a joke you've told before
01:21:07and that's the end of your movie and that's the end of your movie right
01:21:09yeah and cut
01:21:11thanks guys thank you very much for your time thank you
01:21:13thank you so much for doing this uh i think it's gonna be good i hope my professor gives me
01:21:18an a
01:21:20what your professor what are you talking about yeah this is a student film i'm a student at appalachian state
01:21:25university student film yeah i told you that at the beginning so nobody's gonna see this well my professor's gonna
01:21:32see it
01:21:33and the students there's like 12 people in my class and i'll show my parents
01:21:38get the fuck out of my office please excuse me get the fudge out of my office
01:21:43please i said the first time now i'm saying
01:21:46fudge because it's more polite but get the
01:21:47the fuck out of my office
01:21:49jeez sorry
01:21:59it could have been in 3d
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