- 18 hours ago
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00:00:01I
00:00:34Thank you, oh my god, sit down, all right, sit down, sit down, we've got jokes to tell,
00:00:48come on, all right, let's start this shit, Bill Cosby,
00:00:59now I don't know if you get all the news here in Nashville,
00:01:04but I may say something that's very upsetting to many of you,
00:01:09it turns out that Bill Cosby is a rapist, I know, I always used to watch him on the telly
00:01:18as a kid,
00:01:18and I always used to think to myself, ah, I bet he doesn't rape, but
00:01:26I've been wrong before, and I'll be wrong again,
00:01:30because it turns out that his favourite thing is rape,
00:01:35he fucking loves raping people, now think about your favourite thing,
00:01:40you might be into sports, gardening, golf, I don't know what the fuck you're into,
00:01:44now think about it, now replace it, with rape,
00:01:51and that's how Bill Cosby feels all day, every day,
00:01:57now I did this routine in Australia, and they wrote a very horrible review of the show,
00:02:01and I hate that people forget that I'm a comedian, and that I'm joking,
00:02:04um, but I have to do this little public service announcement before I do this routine,
00:02:12I believe in many ways rape is wrong,
00:02:19I believe when possible you should always avoid raping people,
00:02:26if you leave the show this evening and you're thinking about raping someone,
00:02:39if Bill Cosby wouldn't listen to me, would he fuck,
00:02:44because he fucking loves raping, 60 women have come forward, 60 women,
00:02:50it's a big number isn't it, 60, actually a little bit too big, the real number is 52,
00:02:57but I can say what I want up here, so just round it up to 60, who gives a fuck,
00:03:01right,
00:03:02plus I'm of the opinion, after you rape 20, same prison time, keep raping I say,
00:03:12so, 70 women have come forward, right, now what happened is, your whoopey Goldbergs of this world,
00:03:20when the accusations first came out, they were all like, oh I don't know if I believe all these
00:03:25women, they're just trying to ruin his legacy, or some bullshit like that, because all these rapes
00:03:29happened in the 70s and the 80s, and they said, what took these women so long to come forward,
00:03:33it's a good question, I think it's because, as rapes go, they weren't the worst rapes now, were they,
00:03:43he never held them down and fucking raped them, he used to drug them and finger them a bit,
00:03:49and, uh, I've had worse Christmases with uncles.
00:03:57What I'm trying to say is this,
00:04:01if I was ever going to be raped, I'd like to be raped by Bill Cosby.
00:04:09I've been such a big fan of his for so many years,
00:04:13and, you know, it'd just be wonderful to meet him, you know, how else would I get to meet him,
00:04:18you know, of course, you know, we're, we're in the same business, you know, comedy.
00:04:28So anyway, what he'd do is he'd drug the girls drinks and the girls would pass out, now I don't
00:04:32know the plight of the attractive female, I don't know the hell they go through on a daily basis,
00:04:38but I do know this, if someone drugged my drink, I would take it as a compliment.
00:04:45I'd be in the bar going, I'm getting sleepy, who likes me, who isn't?
00:04:52So he drugs the drink, and then you pass out for about four hours,
00:04:57and then you wake up and you're like, oh, what the fuck happened?
00:05:00And the first thing you would see is that hysterical face of his.
00:05:07And he'd have a couple of fingers in you.
00:05:13And he'd be going,
00:05:23Tell me your first reaction wouldn't be laughter.
00:05:27You would be driving home before the fingering upset you'd be in your car going,
00:05:32Bill Cosby, that was really something.
00:05:35No, he shouldn't have fingered me, that was wrong.
00:05:40Now, I did that comedy routine, which is, I was joking just then, I did that in Australia,
00:05:46and they wrote a very nasty article about me with the headline,
00:05:51you cannot joke about rape.
00:05:58Turns out you can.
00:06:01I just fucking did it.
00:06:03And I think we can all agree that I nailed it.
00:06:16You can joke about anything.
00:06:19A joke doesn't mean intent.
00:06:20A joke doesn't mean you've actually done it or something like that.
00:06:22What this lady did was she wrote an article about me,
00:06:25and she did a transcript of the actual routine in the article,
00:06:29wrote down every word that I said.
00:06:31Now, I hate this.
00:06:32And I'll tell you why.
00:06:33Because my whole skill in life is being able to say horrible things,
00:06:37and still seem likeable.
00:06:40You take the whole,
00:06:42ahhh, out of it.
00:06:45See, if you read my material,
00:06:50it's a bad read.
00:06:56If you just read as rapes go, they weren't,
00:07:00oh my god.
00:07:04Oh my god.
00:07:05See, then she started to write down things.
00:07:08She used to say things like,
00:07:09it is Jim Jeffery's opinion that women should be happy when they're drugged.
00:07:13Not my opinion.
00:07:13It was a joke I said, not my opinion.
00:07:16Not something that I think.
00:07:18Something that I think is funny.
00:07:20There is a big fucking difference between things that I think and things that I think are funny to say.
00:07:27If you want to know my actual opinion, my actual opinion is this.
00:07:32I don't want to be raped by Bill Cosby.
00:07:38I think he's a horrible fucking man and should go to prison.
00:07:41That's what my real opinion is.
00:07:43But if I came out and said that, you'd go, oh, Jim's lost his edge.
00:07:52See, so people started protesting out the front of the show, and people stopped showing up.
00:07:56Even though the shows were sold out, people stopped showing up.
00:07:58Because I was being deemed like I was a rapist.
00:08:02You know who never had someone protest their gigs because of their material?
00:08:07Bill Cosby.
00:08:11Because you've got to give it to Bill.
00:08:14What a dignified man.
00:08:17He never said the swear words.
00:08:20He never lowered himself.
00:08:23To my level.
00:08:25What a class act he is.
00:08:35Because that's why people went to see Bill Cosby.
00:08:38Because they wanted to see a good, clean, wholesome comedian who rapes.
00:08:46Rather than a person like myself who is just going to say horrible things and rapes very occasionally.
00:08:54Like hardly...
00:08:58I also got a lot of backlash of my last special, Bear, which is also on Netflix.
00:09:02I did a lot of misogynistic jokes on that special.
00:09:06I'm not going to hide behind it.
00:09:07I said a lot of misogynistic things on Bear.
00:09:10And I got a lot of complaint letters.
00:09:11And look, I find it weird because bear with my fifth special.
00:09:18And I feel like I've been misogynistic on all my specials.
00:09:23And I haven't gotten a complaint letter till now.
00:09:26It just proves that with women you really have to fucking repeat yourself before I listen.
00:09:37I will defend the misogynistic joke as I defend the rape joke as I defend any jokes.
00:09:42I'm joking.
00:09:44This is a performance.
00:09:45I'm an entertainer.
00:09:46This isn't a Ted talk.
00:09:49You're not meant to take any of this fucking seriously.
00:09:53The only time the hate mail bothers me
00:09:58is when it's directed at my girlfriend or they write to her directly.
00:10:02The mother of my child, people will write to her on Twitter or whatever.
00:10:06And they'll say things like,
00:10:08you have no self-respect going out with Jim Jeffries.
00:10:10And I hate that.
00:10:11Because she knows that.
00:10:15She doesn't need you people bothering her.
00:10:17She has fucking chores to do.
00:10:26I got my girlfriend pregnant after knowing her for six weeks.
00:10:32I feel, it's not good six weeks.
00:10:35I think she wants to get married.
00:10:37And the reason I think that is because she says that a lot.
00:10:42And I don't want to get married.
00:10:43And everyone in my life is pressuring me into getting married.
00:10:46And my mother rings me up and goes,
00:10:48why don't you marry the girl?
00:10:50You already have a child with her.
00:10:51And I'm like, yeah, I've got a kid.
00:10:54An 18 year commitment.
00:10:56And I've signed onto that like a bad fucking phone contract.
00:10:59I'm a great dad.
00:11:01I got 15 years left and I'm fucking off.
00:11:05But marriage is until death.
00:11:09It's a shit contract.
00:11:13100 years ago, the life expectancy of an American was 52.
00:11:18Now it's 83.
00:11:20Fuck that.
00:11:24I've got a life to live.
00:11:26If I was going to die at 52, sure, let's have some company.
00:11:31I would have got married back in the dark ages when 50% of women died during childbirth.
00:11:36I would have rolled the dice on that bad boy.
00:11:42But she works out every day and she eats kale just to spite me.
00:11:49Six weeks she got pregnant.
00:11:51Six weeks.
00:11:53I feel like I missed out on something.
00:11:55Six weeks is very quick to get pregnant.
00:11:58I missed out on the new girlfriend.
00:12:01The new girlfriend is the best time of your life.
00:12:03That first three months of the new boyfriend or girlfriend,
00:12:06the new relationship where the person's fucking perfect.
00:12:09And you're like, oh my God, this person.
00:12:11I love this person.
00:12:12After like a month, you're drinking a beer with her.
00:12:15Like, she's drinking beer.
00:12:16Do you want to watch Star Wars?
00:12:17And she's like, I do.
00:12:18And you're like, fuck it, hell.
00:12:21Yeah, she's getting along with your friends.
00:12:23Your mother's like, I think she's the one.
00:12:25You go, I think she's the one as well.
00:12:29Because women can hold the psycho down for three months.
00:12:33For three months, they can walk around like a functioning member of society.
00:12:41Showing up at your work parties and not crying.
00:12:47And then at three months and one day, you come out of the shower
00:12:50and she's huddled over your phone like Gollum.
00:12:59So I went from the new girlfriend, best feeling in the world,
00:13:03to dating a pregnant chick.
00:13:06Now, no one has ever said this.
00:13:08They've never recorded anything like this.
00:13:10No one's ever said it in a public forum.
00:13:15But the pregnant are the worst people on earth.
00:13:22For some reason, society has told us that they have some type of glow or some shit.
00:13:29The pregnant are a bunch of cunts, the pregnant.
00:13:38They cry when they're happy.
00:13:39They cry when they're sad.
00:13:40You don't know what fucking cry they're.
00:13:42And you ever tried fighting with a pregnant person in a public place?
00:13:49It doesn't matter how right you are.
00:13:54Me and Kate, she was seven months pregnant.
00:13:56We were walking around the supermarket, right, walking around.
00:13:59And I got some Coco Pops to put in the trolley.
00:14:02Now, you call them Coco Krispies in this country.
00:14:05How different our cultures are.
00:14:07And I put the Coco Pops in the shopping cart, trolley.
00:14:14And Kate picked them up and put them back on the shelf.
00:14:21It was very confusing.
00:14:23Because I'd never seen Coco Pops go in the opposite direction.
00:14:30And my brain skipped a bit.
00:14:32And I went, ah.
00:14:39I think you made a mistake there, Kate.
00:14:43And I went to get them back.
00:14:44And she goes, you're not having them.
00:14:47And I went, but I always have them.
00:14:51And she went, you're getting fat.
00:15:03So I did my drop the mic moment.
00:15:05I picked up the Coco Pops and went.
00:15:11And she snapped and went, do you want me to lose this baby?
00:15:15And I went, um, fuck, that was quick.
00:15:19Of course I do.
00:15:21You're a fucking nightmare.
00:15:28Like, you ever been in a bar at 4am?
00:15:31And you're talking to some guy.
00:15:32And he's telling you how shitty his fucking life is.
00:15:35And he's like, my dad.
00:15:36My dad's an asshole.
00:15:38Didn't even know my dad.
00:15:40My dad walked out on my mum when she was pregnant with me.
00:15:43And I used to think, what a dick.
00:15:45And now I'm like, eh.
00:15:52Sure, he had his reasons.
00:15:56Who am I to judge, eh?
00:16:00So, she gets pregnant.
00:16:01We've got to go to these baby classes.
00:16:05We go to these baby classes at the hospital where they teach you how to put nappies on and shit.
00:16:10And swaddle.
00:16:11You've got the dummy and you swaddle it.
00:16:15And then the lady walks around and goes, that's a good swaddle.
00:16:17And you go, I thought it was good.
00:16:18I've been practicing.
00:16:22Most of it's just watching videos from the 80s.
00:16:25They put on actual videos.
00:16:26You're meant to watch them and learn how to parent.
00:16:28One of the videos we watched was called Don't Shake the Baby.
00:16:35Don't Shake the Baby is 40 minutes long.
00:16:39You don't need to watch Don't Shake the Baby.
00:16:42All the information you need is in the title.
00:16:49Who picks up a copy of Don't Shake the Baby and thinks to themselves, ah, maybe there's more to this.
00:17:00What if I'm really angry?
00:17:04What if I'm shaking my wife and she's holding the baby?
00:17:12So the whole course was basically a Tupperware party.
00:17:14They're trying to sell us shit.
00:17:15And we bought like a car seat and a stroller and this thing that you put the bottle in that
00:17:19steams and sterilizes the bottle.
00:17:21Because if you don't have the steamy sterilizing machine, you've got to boil the bottles and that's a pain in
00:17:25the ass.
00:17:26All right, here's a tip.
00:17:27You don't have to sterilize baby bottles.
00:17:30I stopped sterilizing Hank's bottles after two days.
00:17:35I told Kate I was still doing it.
00:17:40But I wasn't.
00:17:43And I'll tell you why.
00:17:46Because 80% of the time he's being breastfed.
00:17:48And we never sterilize those tits.
00:17:50We never had a special steamy cleaning machine for the tits.
00:17:55In fact, for the first three weeks after the birth, her cunt was all fucked up.
00:17:59So I used to jack off on the tits.
00:18:01And he'd wake up and have a midnight feeding.
00:18:05And what I'm saying is, no one's dead, are they?
00:18:10Like, sure he gets cold sores and whatnot.
00:18:15But he's different.
00:18:18He's a unique little boy.
00:18:21Leave him alone.
00:18:25So anyway.
00:18:29When you impregnate a person that you don't know particularly well,
00:18:35sometimes when it comes to parenting, you're not on the same page.
00:18:40So me and Kate were watching 60 Minutes or 20-20 or something like that.
00:18:43And they were doing a story on vaccination.
00:18:47And I turned to Kate and I said, these people who don't vaccinate their kids are a pain in the
00:18:51ass.
00:18:52And Kate said, Hank's not vaccinated.
00:18:54And I went, ah, fuck.
00:18:59You know when someone says something and your brain goes, that's going to take up a lot of your time.
00:19:03Right?
00:19:07Because the whole dynamic of our relationship is this.
00:19:10I go on the road and tell jokes to make the family money.
00:19:15She's meant to stay home and make sure that Hank doesn't die.
00:19:21And between me and you, I think she's doing a shit job.
00:19:27And I said, why isn't he vaccinated?
00:19:30And she goes, I think it leads to autism.
00:19:32And I went, what medical evidence do you have that it leads to autism?
00:19:37And she said, Jenny.
00:19:38And I said, don't even fucking say McCarthy.
00:19:42Don't even say it.
00:19:43Because that's not medical evidence.
00:19:44That's Jenny McCarthy.
00:19:45And I have nothing against the woman.
00:19:47She's a comedian and a playmate.
00:19:49They're my two favourite types of people.
00:19:53But I don't get my medical advice from them.
00:19:55It's one of my things.
00:19:57And she went, but her son's autistic.
00:19:59And I went, is he?
00:20:04Is he really?
00:20:06Or is he just Jenny McCarthy's kid?
00:20:17Did we expect a member of Menza to fall out of that woman?
00:20:24And she said, well, what difference does it make?
00:20:26No one gets smallpox.
00:20:27No one gets polio.
00:20:28And it's so frustrating when they say that because you're like, because of fucking vaccination.
00:20:35And I said, and furthermore, my mother had polio.
00:20:39That's true.
00:20:40Gunza had polio.
00:20:42My mother can work polio into any conversation.
00:20:45You'll be having dinner with my mother and she'll go, oh, maybe I will have some chocolate cake.
00:20:51Because I couldn't when I was young.
00:20:54I had polio.
00:20:58I believe that my mother secretly loves the fact that she had polio.
00:21:02Because polio does a lot of heavy lifting for her shit personality.
00:21:10Anyway, so we fought and we fought and we fought.
00:21:12And I didn't win.
00:21:15I can't win every argument.
00:21:16Hank's not getting vaccinated.
00:21:18So cut to three weeks later, we're doing season two legit.
00:21:23And I had to do a medical.
00:21:25Oh, thank you.
00:21:32I think we were the only ones who liked it.
00:21:34I am.
00:21:36We're doing season two legit.
00:21:38And the network are trying to insure me for $8 million because that's how much a season costs.
00:21:43So I have to do what they call a studio physical.
00:21:45And they're insuring me in case I die because the show would have ended if I died.
00:21:48Or also, if I got some mental problem and just started stabbing people, that would also be a problem.
00:21:54So it's like a three-hour physical.
00:21:55I'm like jogging on treadmills and psychological tests.
00:21:58So I'm jogging on this treadmill with all these things.
00:22:00I'm in this tube coming out of my mouth.
00:22:02And I get off and the doctor's writing something down.
00:22:04And I thought I'd just slip it into conversation.
00:22:07And I went, hey, it's not that important to vaccinate kids, is it?
00:22:15And she went, only if you want them to live, right?
00:22:21She didn't even look up, right?
00:22:24And I said, are you serious?
00:22:26And she goes, let me put it this way, Mr. Jeffries.
00:22:28I would not let my children play with an unvaccinated child.
00:22:32So I thought that's all the information I need.
00:22:35So, behind Kate's back.
00:22:40And this is super illegal.
00:22:45And involves forging her signature three times.
00:22:50I booked Hank in to get all of his shots on one day, which the doctor didn't recommend.
00:22:55But I'm a busy guy.
00:23:00Now, I was about to come home to pick up Hank, to take him to get his vaccination shots.
00:23:06Now, I knew that Kate was going to be home with Hank.
00:23:08So I knew that we were about to have the biggest fight ever.
00:23:10Now, you know when you're about to have a fight with your partner,
00:23:12but they don't know that you're about to have a fight with them.
00:23:15So you have the upper hand.
00:23:17So what you do is you think horrible shit about that person all day.
00:23:22So in case they cry, you can enjoy yourself.
00:23:27Now, no matter what happens in my life, I will always say this.
00:23:30Kate is the nicest human being I have ever met.
00:23:34I, for niceness, I can't fault her.
00:23:36She, she is just a good soul.
00:23:38She only sees the good in people.
00:23:40She, she will never say a bad word about another human being.
00:23:43And so it's weird.
00:23:44So I'm driving home.
00:23:46I'm trying to think bad thoughts about the nicest person on earth.
00:23:49And it's really difficult.
00:23:51So I'm in my car, like,
00:23:53fucking Kate.
00:23:56Who the fuck does she think she is?
00:23:59Fucking keeping the house nice.
00:24:05Fucking bitch.
00:24:10She left that plate in the sink.
00:24:11That was a fucking nightmare.
00:24:12I remember that.
00:24:17Oh no, that was me.
00:24:19I did that.
00:24:22And she cleaned it up.
00:24:23And that's enabling.
00:24:24And that's fucking bullshit right there.
00:24:27So I came back just fucking steaming.
00:24:30All right, here we fucking go.
00:24:31All right, game's on.
00:24:32I come home.
00:24:33She's sitting down lovingly playing with our child.
00:24:36And she looks up at me and she goes,
00:24:37Hey, honey.
00:24:38And I went,
00:24:40Don't fucking honey me.
00:24:43She said, what's wrong?
00:24:44And I said, I'll tell you what's right.
00:24:48Hank's getting vaccinated today.
00:24:49And there's nothing you can do.
00:24:51And I pick up Hank.
00:24:52And she starts screaming.
00:24:53He's one.
00:24:54So he's super attached to his mother.
00:24:56And he's like,
00:24:57Mommy, mommy, mommy.
00:24:58I'm like,
00:24:58Your mom can't fucking help you now.
00:25:02I go to where the car's parked.
00:25:04I throw him in.
00:25:05I'm doing it up.
00:25:06And you see Kate comes out.
00:25:07And she starts slapping on my back.
00:25:08And I'm like,
00:25:08Get the fuck off me like that.
00:25:09She dramatically falls to the ground.
00:25:12I look up.
00:25:13And two of the neighbors are out of their houses.
00:25:16They're quintessentially watching me
00:25:17kidnap a child and beat up my girlfriend.
00:25:21And I'm too far gone now.
00:25:23So I just doubled down and went,
00:25:25Get back in your fucking houses.
00:25:28Put him in his seat.
00:25:30I got in the driver's seat.
00:25:32And I fucking fishtailed out of there.
00:25:35And Kate's on her knees.
00:25:36And she screams out,
00:25:37Fine.
00:25:39But if he becomes autistic,
00:25:40It's on you.
00:25:46And I thought,
00:25:47Would she consider that a win?
00:25:53So anyway,
00:25:55I take Hank off.
00:25:57I get him all of his shots.
00:25:59I bring him home.
00:26:02And he's definitely autistic now.
00:26:08It's like night and day.
00:26:10Like the kid before the shots and the kids after.
00:26:12Before the shots,
00:26:13he was this lively kid.
00:26:14And then afterwards,
00:26:15I brought him home.
00:26:15And he's sitting in the corner.
00:26:16He's going,
00:26:17And I'm like,
00:26:19Ah, fuck.
00:26:21Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck.
00:26:24Ah, no, no, no, no, no.
00:26:27Ah, Kate's gonna notice this.
00:26:39And so,
00:26:40I did whatever I did when I knew I was in trouble.
00:26:44I lie.
00:26:46So I put Hank in a baby beer,
00:26:47And he's just hanging off me.
00:26:48Like,
00:26:49He's just hanging on my chest.
00:26:50Because I couldn't let him have any alone time with Kate.
00:26:53Because Kate would see it right away, you know.
00:26:55Now, I know what you're thinking.
00:26:55I couldn't keep that up forever.
00:26:57But I did have a plan.
00:26:59What I was going to do was,
00:27:01Right,
00:27:01I was going to stand near a door that I knew Kate was going to come through.
00:27:08Look what you did!
00:27:09I'm like,
00:27:15Okay, so anyway,
00:27:16I am making light of a situation that was horrible, man.
00:27:24It's nice to make jokes about it now.
00:27:25But at the time, I was distraught.
00:27:28I didn't sleep for three days.
00:27:30I couldn't eat.
00:27:31My brain was on a loop.
00:27:32I was so wired.
00:27:33I couldn't.
00:27:34I was just rocking back and forth.
00:27:35Like, your kid's autistic.
00:27:36It's all your fault.
00:27:38So anyway, cut to three days later,
00:27:42I go to the doctor to get the results of my physical.
00:27:44And Hank's dangling off me.
00:27:48And the doctor comes in and goes,
00:27:50How are we today, Mr. Jeffries?
00:27:51And I said,
00:27:52Not good.
00:27:52Not good.
00:27:53You told me to vaccinate.
00:27:55Hank, you said,
00:27:56Vaccinate, kid, good.
00:27:57But this is not good.
00:27:59This used to be a good kid.
00:28:01Look at this.
00:28:02Fucking shit, kid.
00:28:09And she goes,
00:28:10Can you just calm down?
00:28:11I said,
00:28:11No, I can't calm down
00:28:12because I haven't slept for three days.
00:28:13And I'm a bit wired
00:28:14and my brain's on a loop
00:28:15and I can't turn it off
00:28:16because my kid's autistic.
00:28:17It's all my fault.
00:28:17My kid's autistic.
00:28:18It's all my fault.
00:28:18My kid's autistic.
00:28:19It's all my fault.
00:28:19My kid's autistic.
00:28:20It's all my fault.
00:28:20My kid's autistic.
00:28:21It's all my fault.
00:28:24And she looked at my chart
00:28:26and she said,
00:28:26Now, you know that you have a tendency to overreact
00:28:32because you're on the spectrum.
00:28:36You fucking what, Winn?
00:28:40You know how you have little empathy for others.
00:28:43You don't listen when others talk
00:28:44and you don't make eye contact.
00:28:50I've heard about the eye contact.
00:28:55She goes,
00:28:57There's nothing wrong with Hank.
00:29:00He's just drugged out right now.
00:29:02You gave him all of his shots in one day,
00:29:04which I didn't recommend.
00:29:20Now, it's true that the next day,
00:29:23Hank was back to his normal self.
00:29:24There's nothing wrong with Hank.
00:29:26But it turns out that I'm autistic.
00:29:34I don't know.
00:29:35And I don't even know if I believe it.
00:29:36The spectrum is very broad,
00:29:39like 1% to Ben Carson's or something.
00:29:47So, I don't know.
00:29:48I think a lot of times people just diagnose personalities.
00:29:51Like, I'm just a bit of a dick.
00:29:53Can't we just...
00:29:55But it's weird.
00:29:56I was 36 when they told me that.
00:29:58It's weird when you find out that you're autistic at 36.
00:30:02Because it's big news for me.
00:30:04And then I rang up everyone I knew and told them.
00:30:09And no one was surprised.
00:30:16I rang up my mum and I left a message on her voice machine like this.
00:30:21Mum, you've got to call me back.
00:30:23I have the biggest news ever.
00:30:26And my mum rang me back and went,
00:30:27You're getting married.
00:30:30And I went, No, I'm autistic.
00:30:33And she went, Oh, everyone knows you're autistic.
00:30:38It's not that bad.
00:30:39When I was a child, I had polio.
00:30:52Hank though, Hank's a smart kid.
00:30:55I think he's smart.
00:30:56Because he's the only kid I know.
00:31:01I don't hang out with other kids.
00:31:03So, he's just turned three.
00:31:04But like, when he was two, we put him into this school.
00:31:06I remember when he was two, my friends used to come over all the time.
00:31:08And I was just such a proud father that I'd be like, Hank's a genius.
00:31:12And they're like, Why? How do you know?
00:31:13I'm like, Hank, what's that?
00:31:15And Hank would go, Red fire truck.
00:31:16And I'd be like, Damn fucking straight, he's a red fire truck.
00:31:20I taught him that red fire truck.
00:31:24So anyway, we put him into this preschool for two-year-olds.
00:31:27It was like a fancy one in Hollywood.
00:31:30And so, it costs a lot of money.
00:31:32But the school's kind of cool.
00:31:33They teach him how to swim.
00:31:35They toilet train him.
00:31:36They got this great big turtle that walks amongst the kids like a shitty Jurassic Park.
00:31:43And on the first day, we went there to meet all the other parents and the teachers
00:31:47and all the other students and everything.
00:31:49So, I show up early with me and Hank down at the school.
00:31:51And we got there super early, like an hour before everyone else got there.
00:31:54And we're there.
00:31:55And the turtle walks by and I'm with Hank.
00:31:57And I went, Hank, that's a turtle.
00:32:00Can you say turtle?
00:32:01And then this kid walks up and goes, Hi, I'm Simon.
00:32:06Hi, Simon.
00:32:06All right.
00:32:07Hello, Simon.
00:32:09Actually, I'm Simon the third.
00:32:11I'm the third Simon.
00:32:12My dad's a Simon.
00:32:14His dad's a Simon.
00:32:15That's my grandfather.
00:32:16So, one, two, three, third Simon.
00:32:22All right.
00:32:25When I grow up, I want to be a baseball player.
00:32:27I can't decide which team because mum likes the Angels and dad likes the Dodgers.
00:32:30So, there's a bit of conflict at home.
00:32:36How old are you, Simon?
00:32:38Simon did not give me his age.
00:32:41Simon gave me his date of birth.
00:32:45And it turned out that Simon was three months younger than Hank.
00:32:48And I turned and I looked at my fucking idiot son.
00:32:56And Hank went, Turtle!
00:33:08And I said, Yes, Hank.
00:33:10That's a turtle.
00:33:13And then Simon went, That's a tortoise.
00:33:24I didn't know that before.
00:33:27Turns out the tortoises just live on the land and turtles live in the water and on the land.
00:33:34Simon taught me that.
00:33:42See, one of my old jokes has come back to haunt me.
00:33:47If you're a dumb cunt.
00:33:58And your wife or your husband is a dumb cunt.
00:34:03Guess what your fucking kids are.
00:34:06Well, let's just say that Kate's not a scientist.
00:34:11See, I go down to all these school events and I meet the other parents.
00:34:14I get intimidated when I meet educated people because I'm not super educated.
00:34:18So whenever I meet, like, Simon the second, that fucking cunt, right?
00:34:23Simon the third's dad.
00:34:24He's a thoracic surgeon and his wife's a pediatrician.
00:34:28And I'm chatting to the fucking Simons, right?
00:34:31And I can't keep up with the conversation, but I don't want to sound dumb, so I just say shit.
00:34:37We're talking about politics or something.
00:34:40And I just went, just try to keep up.
00:34:43I went, ah, I reckon they should try to catch that Benghazi guy.
00:34:54And then, everyone looks at me like I'm an idiot.
00:35:01And Simon the second goes, Jim, I didn't catch, what do you do for a living there, Jim?
00:35:08And I went, ah, I'm a comedian.
00:35:13And he goes, oh, me and my wife, we just love comedy.
00:35:16We'd love to catch one of your shows sometime.
00:35:21You wouldn't like it.
00:35:22You wouldn't like it.
00:35:27He goes, what type of comedy do you do?
00:35:29Um, brah, like, um, I say cunt more than anyone else.
00:35:43Right?
00:35:47Like, I'm sort of known for saying cunt.
00:35:53Like, seven years ago, when I did my first comedy special in America,
00:35:56the word cunt was banned in every comedy club in America.
00:36:00And then I said cunt loads on television.
00:36:03And now people can say cunt in comedy clubs.
00:36:07So, I'm...
00:36:14Basically, basically, I'm the Rosa Parks of cunt.
00:36:27Now, at this school, they do toilet training, right?
00:36:31But I'm not happy, because it's just female staff.
00:36:35And they're teaching every child to do sit-down whee's.
00:36:40It's all right for the girls, but a boy should do a stand-up whee.
00:36:43Shouldn't be doing sit-down whee's.
00:36:46Now, I like a sit-down whee as much as the next man.
00:36:51But there is a place and a time for it.
00:36:55These are the only times you should do sit-down whee's.
00:36:58You always have to be at your house.
00:37:00You can't do it in other people's house.
00:37:01It's weird.
00:37:03You have to be at your house and drunk.
00:37:09And then you'll be like,
00:37:11Oh, I'm going to have a lovely sit-down whee.
00:37:14Oh, yeah.
00:37:16I'll treat meself.
00:37:23I'll go back downstairs in a second.
00:37:25I won't fall asleep.
00:37:26Stay awake.
00:37:27Come on, have a lovely sit-down whee.
00:37:30And the other time you're going to have a sit-down whee,
00:37:32is if you wake up in the middle of the night,
00:37:34and you want to go to the toilet,
00:37:35but you don't want to turn the light on,
00:37:37because it'll hurt your eyes and you'll wake up too much.
00:37:43So what you do is, out of respect for everyone in the house,
00:37:46so you don't piss everywhere.
00:37:47You have a sit-down whee.
00:37:48And that's always a very sleepy, like,
00:37:50Oh, all right, lovely whee.
00:37:53And because you're sitting like that,
00:37:54sometimes your arsehole goes,
00:37:56Are we pooing?
00:37:59And you're like,
00:37:59No, no, we're not pooing.
00:38:01We're just having a sit-down whee.
00:38:02I'm sorry.
00:38:05Oh, I thought we were pooing.
00:38:08No, no, no.
00:38:09We'll see you in the morning, arsehole.
00:38:16And I want him to be good at the sit-down whee.
00:38:18It's important to me.
00:38:21Because do you remember when you were about seven,
00:38:25like a weirdly sort of old age, like seven,
00:38:28and all the boys at school would go up to have a piss,
00:38:31and they'd walk up, and they'd undo their belt,
00:38:33they'd undo their fly, they'd pull out their dick,
00:38:35and they'd have a piss.
00:38:36And then there was that one kid,
00:38:38for whatever reason,
00:38:40had to have his pants and his underwear down by his ankles.
00:38:47And he'd stand there with his arsehole
00:38:49hanging out the bottom of his shirt.
00:38:55This is how I've always done it.
00:39:01Yeah, Hank, Hank got,
00:39:03he got toilet trained just under the wire,
00:39:05because he's three now.
00:39:07And he got toilet trained just before his third birthday.
00:39:09You want to be toilet trained before you turn three.
00:39:12After that, it gets weird.
00:39:13Now there's people in the crowd who have like a four-year-old
00:39:16who isn't toilet trained,
00:39:17and you're feeling shame right now.
00:39:18I know.
00:39:19Because I have friends with like four-year-olds.
00:39:21See, this is the rule in life.
00:39:23You're allowed to shit your pants in the first
00:39:25and the last three years of your life.
00:39:28Everything else gets odd, right?
00:39:31Now, a four-year-old shouldn't be shitting their pants,
00:39:35because you can have a conversation with a four-year-old,
00:39:39and you should never be able to have a conversation
00:39:41with someone who's shitting their pants.
00:39:45So my mate's over at my house,
00:39:47and we're playing on the...
00:39:48I've got a couple of pinball machines.
00:39:49We're playing pinball,
00:39:50and his son walks up,
00:39:51and dead set, this was the conversation,
00:39:53and his son walks up like this.
00:39:56Hey, Dad,
00:39:58you're going to have to change me, mate.
00:40:00I just shit my pants.
00:40:05And the dad was so embarrassed.
00:40:07He was like,
00:40:08Don't! Stop that!
00:40:11Can you please stop shitting your pants?
00:40:14And the son responded like this.
00:40:19Are we going to have this argument every time?
00:40:27So I went to Kate,
00:40:28because he was about to turn three,
00:40:29and I said,
00:40:30Ah, Kate, Hank's got to stop shitting his pants.
00:40:32And so she read a book,
00:40:33and she comes back to me with this information.
00:40:37You have to start shitting in front of Hank.
00:40:44And I went,
00:40:44I don't want to shit in front of Hank.
00:40:47What have I got to shit in front of Hank for?
00:40:49And she goes,
00:40:49Because it says in the book that he's a caveman,
00:40:51and if he's left to his own devices,
00:40:53he'll shit in his hand and just chuck it at us.
00:41:05And she goes,
00:41:06He's like a monkey see, monkey do.
00:41:08He's got to see someone using the sea,
00:41:09he's got to see someone using the toilet paper,
00:41:11someone, you know, all that type of stuff.
00:41:13And I said,
00:41:13Well, why don't you shit in front of Hank?
00:41:16She goes,
00:41:17He has to see the cock and balls,
00:41:18or he'll get confused.
00:41:22So now, for a while there,
00:41:24I was shitting in front of Hank.
00:41:28Man, it was a big adjustment for me.
00:41:32Because my shits used to be these quiet, dignified affairs.
00:41:37Like I'd be watching the TV,
00:41:39I'd feel a shit come on.
00:41:48I'd leave to the bathroom.
00:41:54I'd have my shit,
00:41:55I'd come back into the living room,
00:41:58and nine times out of ten,
00:42:00I wouldn't even tell anyone where I'd been.
00:42:07And then my shits became like family events.
00:42:14I'd feel a shit come on.
00:42:19All right, everyone!
00:42:23Daddy's got a shit in the chamber!
00:42:27Who wants to come and see a professional at work?
00:42:33So anyway,
00:42:35I chickened out of it for like two weeks,
00:42:36I went and shit in front of Hank,
00:42:38and then I got the guts to do it.
00:42:39So me and Katie are watching TV,
00:42:40the TV's there, we're on the couch,
00:42:42Hank's over there playing with his toys.
00:42:44And I feel a shit come on.
00:42:51I've got one.
00:42:55And she said,
00:42:56I think it's time.
00:43:11G'day, mate.
00:43:14You're coming with me.
00:43:26And we went into the toilet,
00:43:28and I shut the door,
00:43:29and I pulled me pants and me underwear down.
00:43:32Now he knew it wasn't a normal day.
00:43:39He looked very upset,
00:43:42and I'm fucking autistic.
00:43:48Neither of us were making eye contact with her.
00:43:58So I thought I'd better get down to business.
00:44:00And I looked at him,
00:44:01I said,
00:44:01All right, son.
00:44:05First things first,
00:44:06you've got to tuck your cock and balls between your legs,
00:44:10so that your penis is facing downwards.
00:44:13Because where there is poo,
00:44:14there will always be we.
00:44:19Now, because you're at Jeffreys,
00:44:22we don't have what they call big penises.
00:44:31So what you do is you put your legs a little bit together like that,
00:44:36to stop your penis from popping back up.
00:44:41You see it?
00:44:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:44You see how I look like mummy now?
00:44:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:48Yeah, it's funny, isn't it?
00:44:49It's funny.
00:44:50Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:51You don't know what I do for a living, son.
00:44:53You don't know.
00:44:54But I tell jokes, I write jokes, you know.
00:44:57It's always upset me that no matter how hard I try to write a joke,
00:45:00I'll never write anything as funny as a man putting his cock and balls between his legs.
00:45:06And saying, I'm a lady, I'm a lady.
00:45:12In fact, if you're ever at a party and you feel like things aren't going your way,
00:45:19get behind a tree and take your pants and underwear off
00:45:22and tuck your cock and balls between your legs
00:45:24and jump out at a woman and go, I'm a lady!
00:45:27Like that.
00:45:29Yeah, yeah, it's good.
00:45:31Well, you know, you'll make more friends than you lose.
00:45:41Now, over the course of the last eight to six months, six to eight months or whatever,
00:45:46my career has changed somewhat.
00:45:50Audiences have definitely changed.
00:45:52It used to just be white guys the same age as me.
00:45:55And now if you look around the crowd, it's pretty 50-50 men and women,
00:45:58age groups, races, it's all changed.
00:46:01All because of the gun control routine.
00:46:05So the gun control routine
00:46:12got seen on so many different platforms and all this stuff that was put up and taken down
00:46:17that it's actually been seen five times more than anything else I've ever done in my career.
00:46:22So I'm mostly known for that now, which is strange because people are coming on to the shows
00:46:27because you're hoping that I'll do some political satire or some social commentary
00:46:31or something Carlin-esque.
00:46:34And how disappointing this evening's performance must be.
00:46:41I just did 25 minutes on pooing.
00:46:47Now, the gun control routine has been shown in most news outlets.
00:46:53It was shown in the New Yorker as an article.
00:46:56It was shown in the Washington Post as an article.
00:46:59It was shown on CNN as news.
00:47:04And it was shown on Fox for different reasons.
00:47:12It's also been, it's also now shown to the law students in Yale.
00:47:18Like they're meant to learn something or some shit.
00:47:22Now, I appreciate, I appreciate all these things.
00:47:25It's very nice.
00:47:25I don't know if I deserve these accolades or whatever the fuck they're called.
00:47:29Because I'm going to be really honest with you.
00:47:34I made some of the statistics up.
00:47:42It's, this isn't, this isn't, this isn't real.
00:47:48Now, I made two things up.
00:47:49Now, I stand by everything I said in the gun control routine.
00:47:52Because most of the things I said were just common sense stuff about safes and that
00:47:55and the guns in Australia and all that was correct.
00:47:57I made two statistics up, just two little ones.
00:47:59So, I'm going to fess up to you right now.
00:48:01The first one is this.
00:48:03If you have a gun, you're 80% more likely to be shot by a gun.
00:48:09I don't know, maybe.
00:48:15It sounds like a thing, doesn't it?
00:48:18And the other one was, uh, uh, the average security guard in America earns $16 an hour.
00:48:25Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero.
00:48:29It turns out that the average security guard in America earns $14 an hour.
00:48:35I'd like to apologize for those extra $2.
00:48:41Now, it's, uh, it's very weird because over the course of my 15 year career,
00:48:46I've said horrible things about religion.
00:48:48I've said that if you are religious, you believe in God, that you've wasted your life.
00:48:52And over the course, over the course of 15 years, from religious groups, I have received seven pieces of hate
00:49:02mail.
00:49:04Seven!
00:49:06Seven!
00:49:07Seven!
00:49:07Very manageable!
00:49:11I ride back!
00:49:19And I used to think that religious people are the nuttiest cunts on the planet.
00:49:22And that was until I gave my opinion on the Second Amendment.
00:49:29Fuck me.
00:49:33I had no idea what crazy was until I just poked that hornet's nest with a stick.
00:49:40I got something to say.
00:49:45Because, uh, on a quiet day, I receive 20 to 40 pieces of hate mail from gun people.
00:49:53On a quiet day.
00:49:54Keep up.
00:50:0120 to 40 pieces of hate mail, and it's always the same thing.
00:50:05They always read exactly the same way, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
00:50:08Now, I'm in a unique position.
00:50:10Because of the hate mail that I receive on a daily basis, because I've become the pin-up
00:50:14boy for gun control, I can tell you, down to the hour, when an American gun owner is happy,
00:50:22and when they're sad.
00:50:25Because they don't send me hate mail when they're sad.
00:50:28Like, when there's a massacre or something in a school, I get a very quiet day for me.
00:50:33Or some, like, four-year-old shoots their mum in the head.
00:50:35They're like, ooh, mum, look at her writing anything today.
00:50:39But, uh, the day that I received the most amount of hate mail, when I received 782 pieces
00:50:46of hate mail, and it kind of sickened me a bit when it happened, was the day of the
00:50:52parachutings, where 128 people died.
00:50:56And that, to a real fanatical gun person in America, that was the best day ever.
00:51:02They were so happy, because the French have extremely strict gun laws, and then people
00:51:09went and shot everyone.
00:51:10And so I got these letters that read like porn, like they were from Penthouse Forum.
00:51:15And every letter read the same way, like, see, it happens in every country.
00:51:24It's not just us, it's not just us.
00:51:28If they had more guns, maybe they could have protected themselves.
00:51:37Now, I'm not going to get into another debate about whether they had guns or whether they
00:51:41don't have guns, because this is all, no one knows, no one was in that situation.
00:51:46And then some people went as far to say that I was a supporter of Isis.
00:51:56Now, I don't like Isis.
00:52:00I hate Isis as much as the next man.
00:52:07Now, I'll tell you the problem with Isis.
00:52:12The problem with Isis is, is, is, is, you never see them laughing.
00:52:25They're not a jovial bunch.
00:52:27That's what religion does.
00:52:28Religion is always miserable.
00:52:31Yeah, they're just such miserable cunts, the Isis.
00:52:35You never see one of them before, when they do the videos before a beheading, and the guy's
00:52:39like, uh, before I behead this man, a little bit about me.
00:52:46I, um, well, I like Muhammad.
00:52:48Oh, shit, fuck.
00:52:49I, I love Muhammad.
00:52:51I love.
00:52:54I enjoy beheading people.
00:52:56Of course, I like beheading people.
00:52:58And, uh, I like the comedy of Isis Ansari.
00:53:01I like it.
00:53:03I like Isis.
00:53:05He's a crazy guy with modern day problems.
00:53:12I like, fuck the Isis, don't drink.
00:53:15You don't want drunk Isis.
00:53:18You don't want some cunt waking up with seven heads in his bed like, what the fuck did I do
00:53:23last night?
00:53:27And his friend comes in and goes, you were so fucked up last night.
00:53:33We were out drinking, and by the way, I was joking.
00:53:38And there was some guy doodling on a napkin, and I was like, hey, hey, hey, he's drawing Muhammad.
00:53:43And you fucking lost your shit, man.
00:53:54So, politically, this country's in a very delicate situation at the moment.
00:54:01It could go either fucking way.
00:54:05You got two parties, you got the Democrats and the Republicans, and all they do is they talk about two
00:54:10subjects over and over and over again.
00:54:11And as long as they talk about these two subjects, they're fucking you up the ass with other things that
00:54:16you don't even notice.
00:54:17Because you're so fucking, and the rest of the world isn't asphyxiated on these.
00:54:21Okay, two subjects, abortion, guns, abortion, guns, right?
00:54:25And so the Democrats, they want to have gun restrictions, and they don't care about abortion.
00:54:31And the Republicans, they hate abortion, and they love guns.
00:54:35And so we've got a problem here, right?
00:54:38Because the Democrats are like, come on, you don't need a machine gun, and you know you don't.
00:54:44And if your dad fucks you, you don't have to keep that.
00:54:48That's cool.
00:54:58And the Republicans are like, all life is precious, unless it steps on my property.
00:55:14And then, you got Donald Trump.
00:55:24Now, every time I've recorded a special, the other specials I've recorded in America have been in New York, San
00:55:30Francisco, and Boston.
00:55:31And everyone's called me a fucking pussy with my liberal agenda.
00:55:37I'm in fucking Nashville right now.
00:55:51And if you want to shoot me, now's the perfect time.
00:55:57There's eight cameras on me.
00:56:04I think we're good.
00:56:06Isn't it sad that the country's gotten to the stage that when you buy theater tickets, you go,
00:56:10all right, get ones on the aisle so we can run.
00:56:14Everyone wanted to get in the middle.
00:56:15We're like, no, no, you're sitting ducks in the middle.
00:56:21So anyway, Donald Trump.
00:56:23Now, don't get me wrong.
00:56:25He's a lot of fun.
00:56:29And there's a little bit of me.
00:56:31There's a little bit of me that thinks,
00:56:36fuck it, let's do it.
00:56:42Let's do it and see how fucking crazy shit can get.
00:56:54Because he just, what happens is, he says really simple shit that means nothing,
00:57:00and then fucking dummies, right?
00:57:03If you've ever said this sentence, I like him because he's a straight talker,
00:57:07you're as dumb as shit.
00:57:21Just because someone says something simple that you understand doesn't mean they're a straight talker.
00:57:31You can say complex thing and be telling the truth, but like because he goes, I'm going to make America
00:57:36great again.
00:57:36And you're like, I've got every word in that sentence.
00:57:44He's like, I'm going to build a wall.
00:57:47I have a wall at home.
00:57:53You're a straight talker.
00:57:57And then he just says shit that it won't happen.
00:58:03Going to build a wall, Mexico's going to pay for it.
00:58:10Who, I haven't heard a Mexican yet go, oh yeah, we've got this.
00:58:13What are you talking about?
00:58:15What the fuck are you talking about?
00:58:17That's just saying shit.
00:58:19He's like a kid running for class president.
00:58:22Who's just walking around going, and we're going to have two lunches.
00:58:33There's going to be a soda machine in every classroom.
00:58:38Nashville football rolls.
00:58:46But here's where it doesn't get fun.
00:58:49And that's all.
00:58:49It's good fun.
00:58:51But here's where it's not fun, right?
00:58:53What he does is he preys on fear.
00:58:56As soon as he, at the beginning it was, oh, Mexicans, they're coming over and they're raping.
00:59:01And there was a terrorist attack and he went, oh, fuck, I'll go after the Muslims.
00:59:05We should kill the families of Muslims, which, by the way, you're not allowed to do.
00:59:11And then he started saying, after the Paris attacks, we should put every Muslim on a register.
00:59:18And we shouldn't let any more refugees come in from Syria.
00:59:20And the Muslims that live here on a register, that means Izzy's win.
00:59:27As soon as he says that, Izzy's a fucking one.
00:59:32Right?
00:59:32Because their plan to shoot people in Paris, that's not their end plan.
00:59:37They didn't kill 128 people and go, ah, well, that's that done.
00:59:41You know what I mean?
00:59:42It's a recruitment tool.
00:59:44And the recruitment tool can only work if hate is bread.
00:59:50Right?
00:59:50So what he does is he says, oh, we're going to ban them.
00:59:53We're not going to let any more in the country.
00:59:54And the ones here have to be on a register.
00:59:55Now, you're a 16-year-old boy or girl that's a Muslim living in this country.
00:59:59You've lived your entire life in this country.
01:00:02You've always considered yourself American.
01:00:04And then all of a sudden, someone who could be your president says,
01:00:08you are not welcome here and that you should be put on a register.
01:00:12Now, that kid, how fucking quickly do you think that kid could be radicalised now?
01:00:17Before, it wasn't going to be radicalised at all.
01:00:27So what he's trying to do is he's trying to defeat hate with hate.
01:00:33And hate doesn't beat hate.
01:00:35It's never fucking beaten hate.
01:00:37It just makes more hate.
01:00:38Now, this might be the most hippie thing that ever comes out of my mouth.
01:00:44But it's true.
01:00:45The only thing that can beat hate is love.
01:00:48Now, love doesn't always beat hate.
01:00:54It doesn't always beat hate, but it does do something, right?
01:00:57Now, think about your own personal life.
01:00:59Think about a person who hates you and you hate them.
01:01:02From now on, just show that person nothing but love.
01:01:05Now, I'm not saying for a second that that person will start loving you.
01:01:08They'll probably still fucking hate you.
01:01:11But one thing will happen.
01:01:13Eventually, everyone will see them as the asshole.
01:01:17Don't be the asshole, America.
01:01:19Don't be the asshole.
01:01:28So, to summarise, you can only beat hate with love.
01:01:33Now, in saying that, I hate Muslims.
01:01:39Hang on, hang on, hang on.
01:01:40I didn't finish my sentence.
01:01:43I hate Muslims.
01:01:44I hate Christians.
01:01:45I hate the Amish.
01:01:46I hate Buddhists.
01:01:47I hate the snake people.
01:01:48I hate Jews.
01:01:49I don't know who I've missed here.
01:01:51Sikhs.
01:01:51I hate all.
01:01:55Our fight in this world is not against Islam.
01:01:58It's against religion.
01:02:00Be very clear about this.
01:02:06Because I can tell you this for sure.
01:02:09No one's head has ever been cut off in the name of atheism.
01:02:14No one has ever cut into human flesh and looked down camera and gone, in the name of nothing.
01:02:33Now, let me be clear about this.
01:02:35If you're religious, I'm sure you might...
01:02:38Some of you might be very nice, but you are slowing us down.
01:02:42We're trying to move forward and you're in the fucking way.
01:02:45I'm sorry.
01:02:47See, there's a lie that you'll be told throughout your life that will go along the lines of this.
01:02:53We have to save the planet.
01:02:54There is no bigger lie than we have to save the planet.
01:02:57We don't have to save the planet.
01:02:59We have to save us, the human race.
01:03:01The planet does not give a fuck about us, and it will be happy when we're gone.
01:03:08We are in the planet's way.
01:03:10Have you ever seen one of those documentaries where they go,
01:03:12this is what New York will look like one year after the human race dies,
01:03:15and it's all covered in vines and shit?
01:03:17The planet once it's gone, as soon as we're gone, the planet will go,
01:03:21I'm going to do dinosaurs again.
01:03:30So we have to save ourselves in spite of the planet trying to kick us the fuck off.
01:03:36Now imagine that the world is a train track and society is a train.
01:03:43And as society has always had to do, the train has to move forward.
01:03:46Because if it stops moving forward, we will run out of resources around the train,
01:03:51because it will be stationary, and the gears will lock up, and the vines will take over.
01:03:56So it has to keep going forward.
01:03:58Now in this train, we have the people in the engine room, the people who are running the show.
01:04:03And those people in our society who run the show are scientists.
01:04:07These are the people who are inventing medicines for you to live longer,
01:04:10and surgeries for you to live longer, and finding alternative fuel sources,
01:04:15and engineers that are making machines that run more efficiently, right?
01:04:20Now, all these people are scientists.
01:04:21Now, whether you like it or not, scientists are primarily atheists.
01:04:27And they're all in the front carriage dragging us along.
01:04:30Now, in the second carriage, we have a bunch of cunts that I don't think get enough flack.
01:04:36Ah, agnostics.
01:04:40These fucking wishy-washy fucks.
01:04:47They're all standing around the second carriage going,
01:04:50who knows?
01:04:54Maybe there is a god, maybe there isn't a god, maybe your god and your god are the same god.
01:04:59Like, I know there was a big bang, but who made the big bang?
01:05:02I wouldn't consider myself, you know, religious, but I am spiritual.
01:05:10Then there's this last carriage, and the last carriage is 50 times bigger than the other two
01:05:14carriages combined. And it's carrying the rest of the population of the human race.
01:05:21And it's just filled with cunts wearing hats for reasons they don't know,
01:05:24and growing beards because they think they have to. And some of the women are covering their faces
01:05:30and cowering. Everyone's dancing around going, men on a cloud, men on a cloud. And
01:05:36there are so many of these cunts that the train is hardly fucking moving.
01:05:42And the people in the engine room are like this.
01:05:46If I just pull this peg here...
01:05:55Do you know how fast we've been moving?
01:06:03Oh, well, we're not going to change people's opinions, I guess.
01:06:07I don't fucking...
01:06:13Now, um, with the hate mail that I get from the guns, they always sort of start the same way.
01:06:19It always makes me laugh. Every letter starts with,
01:06:22Hey, buddy, you shouldn't even say anything. You're not from here.
01:06:31That's the weakest argument ever. Okay, as Americans, from now on, don't use that argument.
01:06:36All right? Because you're Americans. And it's not like historically you've kept your opinions to yourself.
01:06:46It's not like I've ever been in a party in the UK and there's an American guy there and I've
01:06:50heard this sentence.
01:06:51Jeez, he's a quiet chap.
01:06:55You're the loudest people on earth.
01:07:00And then they always say this and this fucking spins me out.
01:07:04Well, I don't expect an Australian to understand freedom.
01:07:14What are you talking about?
01:07:16You constantly say freedom all the time. Like, you're the...
01:07:20Oh, we're so free. We fight for freedom, freedom, freedom.
01:07:23Come to the freedom lounge at the airport.
01:07:24Like, fucking, what?
01:07:26You know when you're singing the national anthem at the baseball and the person holds the note free for a
01:07:32little bit longer than they should
01:07:33until all you Americans fucking come in your pants.
01:07:40For the land of the free.
01:07:50We're so free.
01:07:56Freedom this, freedom that. Free, free, free.
01:07:58Now, I hate to break it to you because I don't think many of you know this.
01:08:07There are 92 free countries on the planet, democratic free countries.
01:08:13You are one of them.
01:08:15Every single English-speaking country on earth is free and most of the countries are also free.
01:08:29Now, you're very free.
01:08:32Don't get upset.
01:08:36And I have a wonderful... I love America. I truly do.
01:08:39I live here and I love it.
01:08:40I have nothing against you.
01:08:41And none of the things I'm about to mention affect you,
01:08:44affect me in any way, right?
01:08:48You may not be the freest place on earth.
01:08:55Just a quick example, out of the 92 free countries on the planet,
01:09:01you have the highest rate of incarceration.
01:09:04One percent of your adult population is in prison.
01:09:07That's double that of the country that comes in second, which is South Africa.
01:09:12If you've ever been to South Africa, South Africa's fucked.
01:09:17So you're double that of South Africa.
01:09:21So statistically, in the land of the free, you have the least amount of free people.
01:09:37Now, this is a super simple one.
01:09:40Super simple argument.
01:09:42In Holland, you can smoke weed whilst fucking a hooker in front of a cop.
01:09:53How dare Holland not be called the land of the free?
01:09:59Do you honestly think you're competing with Holland?
01:10:05In Canada, just last year, they legalised assisted suicide for the sick,
01:10:11which I believe is the biggest freedom of them all.
01:10:14It's your life.
01:10:16No government, no religious group should ever tell you when you get to check out.
01:10:25If you're a pro-life person, good.
01:10:29Do it with your life, not mine.
01:10:35And also, I don't think they've thought about it.
01:10:38I don't think there's even the most evangelical Christian who's a burn victim,
01:10:43just like hanging onto life support in a hospital.
01:10:47I feel so free.
01:10:50And I'm so glad they're doing it in Canada,
01:10:53because if I ever had an assisted suicide,
01:10:55I wanted to be a Canadian doctor.
01:10:59I want some guy rocking up to my house like,
01:11:01okay, already then.
01:11:05So I hear that someone's given up on life, eh?
01:11:10All right, let me just set up my little death machine here,
01:11:13and I'm going to put this in your vein,
01:11:15and you're going to be so sleepy so soon, I tell you what there.
01:11:24In Australia, maybe 20 years ago, maybe 20, they legalised prostitution.
01:11:30They thought it would be the downfall of our society, but it really wasn't.
01:11:33It was a great thing.
01:11:34Like in Sydney, where I grew up, the streets always had hookers walking around everywhere.
01:11:38There was needles, and it was a very seedy city in some parts, you know.
01:11:42And then what they did was they legalised prostitution,
01:11:44and they moved all the hookers into brothels.
01:11:46And because they moved into brothels, all the girls had to be tested for STDs.
01:11:50And then the guys, they could see the test as they go in.
01:11:54So it was safer for the men, but it was also safe for the women,
01:11:56because what they did was they put security in these brothels.
01:11:59So if you showed up like a drunk idiot, they wouldn't let you in.
01:12:01Or if you got a bit aggro, they'd kick you the fuck out.
01:12:03So the girls were safer, the men were safer.
01:12:06Human trafficking was all but eliminated.
01:12:10And tax revenue went up.
01:12:12And the divorce rate dropped by 8%.
01:12:19There is no downside to legalised prostitution.
01:12:23Now, in America, prostitution is illegal, unless you film it.
01:12:30How is that possible?
01:12:32How the fuck is that possible?
01:12:34How do you have the biggest porn industry in the world,
01:12:38and you still have a legal prostitution?
01:12:40Because it is legal to pay a woman for sex,
01:12:42but your friend Dave has to be in the corner with a camera.
01:12:46And Dave has to film it.
01:12:49And Dave has to promise to put it on the internet,
01:12:51because if Dave doesn't put it on the internet,
01:12:52then a crime has been committed.
01:12:55And that girl can be 18 years old.
01:12:58And then she can be surrounded by 10 men that she barely knows.
01:13:02And they can all jack off onto her face.
01:13:05Until she's glazed with cum.
01:13:09And no crime has been committed.
01:13:13But in America, and only in America, she's too young to have a beer.
01:13:23If anyone deserves a beer,
01:13:27then the land of the free, the home of the brave,
01:13:32is the girl with 10 loads of cum in her face.
01:13:37In fact, if you have 10 loads of cum in your face,
01:13:39you should get free drinks wherever you go.
01:13:43You seem like a fun girl.
01:13:47Or a heavy sleeper.
01:13:59Now, before I go.
01:14:05My son turned three.
01:14:08And my girlfriend made me write him a letter on his third birthday
01:14:12for him to open when he was 18.
01:14:14I don't know fucking why.
01:14:16It's like, you know, when chicks just go,
01:14:18you need to do this thing.
01:14:19I'm like, why?
01:14:21I have 15 years, why?
01:14:24But I did it, you know.
01:14:26So I wrote the letter.
01:14:27And I'm really bad at writing things on paper.
01:14:30I've got terrible handwriting.
01:14:31I'm basically illiterate.
01:14:33And I fucking...
01:14:34And so I'm like,
01:14:36Dear Hank,
01:14:38so you're a man now.
01:14:40I'm sure you've made me very proud.
01:14:44Unless, of course, you're a drug addict or something.
01:14:48Come to think of it, there are many ways to disappoint me.
01:14:55Who knows?
01:14:56I might be dead by now.
01:14:58Or you might be dead.
01:15:00And I'm reading this whilst crying.
01:15:09I, um...
01:15:10So I wrote in the letter, I just...
01:15:12I thought...
01:15:13Little life tips.
01:15:15Things that you should do in life.
01:15:17So the next thing I wrote was this.
01:15:19A wise man once said,
01:15:22Try not to be a cunt.
01:15:34And then I just gave him little bits of advice.
01:15:36Like, if you get a parking ticket,
01:15:38just pay it right away.
01:15:39Don't leave it.
01:15:40It's a pain in the ass.
01:15:42And always love your mum.
01:15:44And I mean this.
01:15:45Well, if my son's watching this at 18 right now,
01:15:47watching me perform.
01:15:48But, uh...
01:15:50No person has ever loved you
01:15:53more than your mother loves you.
01:15:55So you always be good to that woman.
01:15:57And then...
01:16:02And then I wrote about...
01:16:04I just thought I'd tell him about the good things
01:16:06and the bad things in my life
01:16:07and the things that I did well
01:16:08and the things that I didn't do well.
01:16:10And I've been very open about this
01:16:12and I feel like by being open about this
01:16:14it helps others, I guess.
01:16:15I don't know.
01:16:15But I've always, uh...
01:16:18Fairly severe depression.
01:16:20Um...
01:16:20My whole life.
01:16:21Suicidal at times.
01:16:22And, uh...
01:16:23It's a very selfish...
01:16:25Thing, depression.
01:16:25Because, you know,
01:16:26I know my life's good
01:16:27and I can't wrap my brain around it.
01:16:29I just...
01:16:30Uh...
01:16:30I don't...
01:16:31Right now, my brain's going,
01:16:33well, maybe this special isn't as good as the last one.
01:16:35Blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:16:35You know, fucking...
01:16:37And so, I've never really enjoyed success
01:16:40and I've never really had pure happiness
01:16:42like some people do.
01:16:43I...
01:16:43I...
01:16:44I'm such a pessimist.
01:16:45Like...
01:16:46When you meet these people who go,
01:16:48you're such a glass...
01:16:50half-empty sort of guy.
01:16:52Fucking these glass-half-full cunts.
01:16:54Fuck them.
01:16:57You know what I mean?
01:16:58I've never met a successful glass-half-full cunt.
01:17:02You'll never be anything
01:17:03if you think the glass is half-full.
01:17:05If you want to get ahead in this world,
01:17:07walk in the room and go,
01:17:08why isn't that fucking glass-full?
01:17:14Anyway, so I thought about
01:17:15what would make me happy?
01:17:17What would have made me happy?
01:17:18What makes other people happy?
01:17:20And so I wrote to him,
01:17:21I said,
01:17:21I think the secret to happiness is this.
01:17:27The secret to happiness
01:17:30is being good-looking.
01:17:35Now, throughout your life,
01:17:36people will lie to you
01:17:37and say things like kindness
01:17:39or being good to others
01:17:40or family or something.
01:17:45The only way to truly be happy in this world
01:17:48is to be good-looking.
01:17:49Now, in this world,
01:17:51we have everything from
01:17:52one being the ugliest person on earth
01:17:54to ten being the best-looking person on earth.
01:17:56And we have everything in between.
01:17:58And there's very few ones
01:17:59and there's very few twos
01:18:00and there's very few threes.
01:18:01And four, five, six
01:18:02is the meat of the bell curve.
01:18:05That's where 95% of the population
01:18:07is average-looking.
01:18:08Four, five, six,
01:18:09and seven, eight, nine, ten.
01:18:11Now,
01:18:12I've been looking out
01:18:14at the audience here.
01:18:18Pretty good, like,
01:18:19I spotted an eight.
01:18:22Or what they call an LA-6.
01:18:25I, uh...
01:18:31I spotted an eight.
01:18:32That's pretty good, Nashville, man.
01:18:33Don't be offended.
01:18:36Like, tens are super rare.
01:18:38Like, I've never seen...
01:18:39There's never been a ten
01:18:39in my audience, ever.
01:18:40I don't think tens
01:18:42come to things like this.
01:18:43I think tens are sitting at home
01:18:45with other tens going,
01:18:46I'm so happy.
01:18:47Hey?
01:18:53And nines are as rare
01:18:55as tens, almost.
01:18:56A nine is just an imperfect ten.
01:18:58A nine is just like a ten
01:18:59with, like, a fucked-up toe
01:19:00or something.
01:19:04So an eight's pretty good.
01:19:06Now,
01:19:08regrettably,
01:19:10there is a two in the audience.
01:19:14Now, I'm not going to point you out.
01:19:17You know who you are.
01:19:23There are no ones.
01:19:25Ones are as rare as Teds.
01:19:28I've seen about five ones in my life.
01:19:33Ones don't really leave the house.
01:19:35They...
01:19:36They know they upset the rest of us.
01:19:41Like, the only time you catch a one
01:19:43is they're going to a doctor's appointment
01:19:45or something.
01:19:47And it really is upsetting.
01:19:49Like, you walk by,
01:19:50they're normally being, like,
01:19:51lifted out of a minivan
01:19:52with a special crane
01:19:53onto a special chair.
01:19:55And when you see a one,
01:19:57it does ruin your day,
01:19:59doesn't it?
01:20:01You walk by the one
01:20:02and you're like,
01:20:03oh, fuck me.
01:20:07Oh, that's a fucking one
01:20:09if ever I've seen one.
01:20:12You get to work
01:20:13and you can't focus
01:20:14and your boss is like,
01:20:15what's wrong with you?
01:20:16And you're like,
01:20:16oh, I saw a fucking one.
01:20:20And they're like,
01:20:21oh, it couldn't have been that.
01:20:22It was that bad.
01:20:24You weren't there.
01:20:26This is bullshit.
01:20:27I was going to eat today.
01:20:32Now, in case anyone's wondering,
01:20:35and I know you're not,
01:20:39I'm a five.
01:20:41Now, the reason I know I'm a five
01:20:43is because, as I said,
01:20:4495% of the population
01:20:45is four, five, six,
01:20:47an average-looking human being.
01:20:48Now, the reason I know
01:20:49I'm a five is this.
01:20:50When I walk past people,
01:20:53nothing happens.
01:20:58People don't get upset,
01:21:00nor do they get disappointed.
01:21:01We all move on with our lives.
01:21:04I have hair,
01:21:06but it's shit hair.
01:21:09Five.
01:21:10I have teeth.
01:21:12They're a little yellow.
01:21:13They're a little crooked,
01:21:15but they're all there.
01:21:18Five.
01:21:21I have eyes.
01:21:23They do not sparkle,
01:21:25but they do face
01:21:26in the same direction.
01:21:32Five.
01:21:34And because I'm a five,
01:21:36that means society
01:21:37has deemed it okay
01:21:38for me and other fives
01:21:39to get into dimly lit rooms
01:21:41and we can fuck each other.
01:21:44And no one gets upset.
01:21:45They're like,
01:21:45oh, it's a couple of fives.
01:21:47Fucking let them have their fun.
01:21:49And we get in there
01:21:50with our average five bodies,
01:21:52like just my little gut
01:21:54resting on her fucking
01:21:55imperfect floppy ass
01:21:57and we just fucking
01:21:59we're sweating on each other
01:22:01because neither does work out
01:22:02and I'm just
01:22:03just grabbing onto
01:22:05an average tit like,
01:22:06ah.
01:22:09And the two of us
01:22:10are thinking about
01:22:11like a seven that we know
01:22:12that we actually want to fuck.
01:22:15I'm like,
01:22:16maybe if she gets depressed
01:22:17or something
01:22:18I could swoop in there
01:22:19and we'd be
01:22:20because us fives,
01:22:21we do not think
01:22:22about the nines
01:22:23and the tens
01:22:24because we dare not
01:22:25touch the sun.
01:22:31Now,
01:22:33I'm a minor celebrity.
01:22:36So that means
01:22:38I get to fuck sixes.
01:22:43I fuck the shit
01:22:44out of sixes.
01:22:45People go,
01:22:46he's off the telly,
01:22:47he can fuck a six.
01:22:51Fuck some sevens?
01:22:52Yeah,
01:22:53I fuck some sevens.
01:22:54Couple eights?
01:22:56One nine!
01:22:59Best day ever.
01:23:00I fucked a nine.
01:23:02Now,
01:23:07I'm also a drinker.
01:23:09So,
01:23:12I have fucked some fours.
01:23:17A shitload of threes.
01:23:22And one two.
01:23:26And when I fucked the two,
01:23:28that was the lowest point
01:23:29in my life.
01:23:30I gave up drinking
01:23:31for 18 months
01:23:32after I fucked the two.
01:23:35That's how important
01:23:36it is to be good looking.
01:23:37I fucked the two
01:23:37and my whole self-esteem
01:23:38was ruined
01:23:39and
01:23:41I went,
01:23:41I remember when I
01:23:42fucked the two,
01:23:43I woke up in the,
01:23:44hang on,
01:23:45I'm still writing
01:23:46the letter to my son,
01:23:47by the way.
01:23:56So,
01:23:57I remember when I
01:23:58fucked the two,
01:23:58Hank,
01:23:59and I,
01:23:59I woke up
01:24:02next to her
01:24:03and I rolled over
01:24:04with like,
01:24:04I was hung over
01:24:05like,
01:24:05oh,
01:24:05what happened?
01:24:06And then I saw her
01:24:07and went,
01:24:08oh,
01:24:08no,
01:24:09fuck this.
01:24:09And I,
01:24:11and I went into
01:24:12the fetal position
01:24:12and I started,
01:24:13oh,
01:24:13that's a fucking two.
01:24:15That's a two.
01:24:16That's a two.
01:24:18Now,
01:24:19everybody in this world
01:24:19likes to think
01:24:20they're a good person.
01:24:21Not all of us
01:24:22are good people.
01:24:22We all think
01:24:23we're a good person.
01:24:24And so my brain
01:24:25did this.
01:24:26Come on,
01:24:27Jim,
01:24:28you're better than this.
01:24:30Maybe if you talk to it.
01:24:36Maybe you'll find out
01:24:37the thing has dreams
01:24:38or feelings.
01:24:42Give that a go.
01:24:44So I rolled over
01:24:45with the best of intentions
01:24:47like,
01:24:47hey,
01:24:48oh,
01:24:48no,
01:24:49fuck off.
01:24:49And I went back.
01:24:53And she tried to comfort me
01:24:55with her claw.
01:25:07I'll never forget the two.
01:25:10But it's been so long now
01:25:11that I can laugh about it.
01:25:13I do laugh about it.
01:25:15I was in my car
01:25:16remembering how the two
01:25:17was the worst thing
01:25:18that ever happened to me.
01:25:20And I was like this.
01:25:22Oh,
01:25:23you fucked the two.
01:25:27classic Jim Jefferies.
01:25:31When will you ever learn?
01:25:34And I was sitting in the car
01:25:36and I was thinking
01:25:37about how fucking the two
01:25:41was the worst thing
01:25:42I've ever done in my life.
01:25:44And then my brain
01:25:45did a horrible thing.
01:25:48my brain went.
01:25:51That's how the nine felt
01:25:52when she woke up
01:25:53next to you.
01:25:57Ladies and gentlemen,
01:25:58thank you so much.
01:26:00Appreciate it.
01:26:01Let's see.
01:26:01All right.
01:26:15Thank you for listening.
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