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00:00:25Breaking news, actor Jason Biggs
00:00:27of American Pie fame was found dead
00:00:29in his Wind River home.
00:00:31The event brings this year's celebrity death toll to 27
00:00:33after Pope Francis' heart explosion
00:00:36last week. His estate wants
00:00:37to remind the world that Jason Biggs was
00:00:39a good guy, and we should all be very
00:00:41very sad. Authorities aren't
00:00:43ruling out foul play.
00:01:06Get fucked, Biggs!
00:01:12I heard, I heard
00:01:14the old man say
00:01:18Today, today's a holiday
00:01:22Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:01:26To-ra-yay
00:01:28To-ra-yay
00:01:35Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:01:57We'll work tomorrow but not today
00:02:00Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:02We'll work tomorrow but not today
00:02:04Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:07To-ra-yay
00:02:09To-ra-yay
00:02:12To-ra-yay
00:02:13Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:17We'll bow the way from Briscoe
00:02:19Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:21We'll bow the way at the break of hay
00:02:24Chonka-naka-naka-tura-yay
00:02:26To-ra-yay
00:02:28To-ra-yay
00:02:30To-ra-yay
00:02:34John, you're not going to ask us who I am.
00:03:13So, 35? We have a deal?
00:03:17Okay, you got me. 25. Drive a hard bargain.
00:03:21Yeah, Luke, how much for this?
00:03:23Oh, for you, Jake?
00:03:25Absolutely free. Take it. It's yours.
00:03:29No kidding?
00:03:30No kidding.
00:03:31You know, a toaster like this would probably get you $27.
00:03:35I doubt that.
00:03:38It's a very nice thing.
00:03:41I think I'll put it on my desk next to my computer.
00:03:45I came by to give you a little going away advice.
00:03:49You need to change the password on your Wi-Fi
00:03:53in the majority of your streaming accounts.
00:03:56What do you mean?
00:03:57Type in some extra numbers or some big letters.
00:04:00Those go a long way.
00:04:02Jake, are you saying you've been using my Wi-Fi?
00:04:04Is that why Google keeps recommending different ketamine clinics?
00:04:07I'm just saying I don't want people in your new building
00:04:10to take advantage of you the way some people
00:04:14might have been taking advantage of you here.
00:04:16Thanks, Jake.
00:04:17You're a good guy, Luke.
00:04:20You deserve better.
00:04:21Okay.
00:04:23Oh, hey, Janet.
00:04:25Respectfully, Janet, I really think that we should just try it my way.
00:04:28We're really going to miss you around here, Luke.
00:04:30And not just your Wi-Fi and your streaming services.
00:04:32You look like family.
00:04:34Were my passwords that easy to figure out?
00:04:36Where are you headed now?
00:04:38Ottawa, Canada. Watch your fingers.
00:04:39Ottawa, you got family up there or something?
00:04:44No.
00:04:44No, the only family I've left is an older brother,
00:04:46but I haven't heard from him in years.
00:04:48In fact, I actually don't even know if he's dead or alive.
00:04:50Oh, well, that's dreadful because family is the most important thing there is.
00:04:56Family sticks together no matter what.
00:05:02What was that?
00:05:02What was what?
00:05:03The random family sentiment you just read out loud.
00:05:06What was that about?
00:05:09Um, I gotta go.
00:05:12Clinton, what?
00:05:13How much you want for this?
00:05:15It's beautiful.
00:05:17What the hell?
00:05:18This isn't mine.
00:05:19Who put this here?
00:05:20You did.
00:05:20No.
00:05:21Why would I have a painting of the Pope eating tacos with Bigfoot?
00:05:24I mean, I'm basically Jewish, for Christ's sake.
00:05:26That's a lie.
00:05:28I've seen his penis.
00:05:30The man you know as Luke is not circumcised.
00:05:32Quite the opposite.
00:05:34He possesses a generous amount of foreskin,
00:05:36making his dick look like the head of a baby elephant.
00:05:38What?
00:05:39Who are you?
00:05:40What is happening?
00:05:48Geez, Luis.
00:05:51Ow!
00:05:56Danny!
00:05:57Bring it in.
00:05:58Danny!
00:05:58Ow!
00:05:59Ow!
00:06:00Ow!
00:06:00I'm sorry.
00:06:00I'm sorry.
00:06:01What happened?
00:06:01Are you okay?
00:06:02It's nothing, really.
00:06:03You should have seen the other guy.
00:06:04Yeah?
00:06:05Oh, yeah.
00:06:05He was driving the sickest Mercedes when he plowed into me.
00:06:08Okay.
00:06:08That looks really bad.
00:06:09Oh, and that painting is from me.
00:06:12Hmm?
00:06:12Oh!
00:06:13You like it?
00:06:15Yeah, man.
00:06:16One more hug.
00:06:17Soft.
00:06:17Wow.
00:06:18I can't.
00:06:19Oh!
00:06:34So, how's life living off-grid all this time?
00:06:38That's fine.
00:06:38Until the grid got bigger.
00:06:40After a while, it became like one of Todd Simmons' famous nosebleeds.
00:06:43Uh-huh.
00:06:44Yeah.
00:06:46Wait.
00:06:47Who's?
00:06:47So, what's with the moving sail?
00:06:48You moving somewhere?
00:06:49Uh, very perceptive of you.
00:06:51Yeah.
00:06:52Yeah, I know.
00:06:52I'm, uh, heading up to Ottawa, Canada.
00:06:55Ottawa?
00:06:56Oh, you got a girlfriend up there or something?
00:06:58No.
00:06:58Yeah, you do.
00:06:59No.
00:07:00You have a girlfriend in Canada.
00:07:03I wish.
00:07:04Yeah, you gotta go all the way up there to get laid, cause you can't get laid here.
00:07:06Danny.
00:07:07Danny.
00:07:07No.
00:07:08Sorry.
00:07:08No, I...
00:07:09I am driving up today to start at the new paleontology research center.
00:07:16What, today today?
00:07:17Yeah.
00:07:18Well, you can't leave today.
00:07:20Why not?
00:07:21Well, cause I'm here now.
00:07:22I wanna hang out.
00:07:23Yeah, but I start on Monday.
00:07:24Oh, fuck Muffin.
00:07:28I was really hoping to spend some time together before I start my new job in Tucson next week.
00:07:47Hey man, why don't you come with me?
00:07:48Really?
00:07:49Yeah.
00:07:50You wouldn't mind?
00:07:50No, I, I, I've wanted to spend time with you too.
00:07:53Wow.
00:07:54I'm impressed, Luke.
00:07:55You really do have faith in your fellow man.
00:07:59It's like Todd Simmons said, faith is all about taking that initial step without first checking for scorpions.
00:08:04Yeah.
00:08:06Who is this Todd Simmons guy?
00:08:16So, tell me about the job in Ottawa, huh? You happy with it?
00:08:20Oh, beyond happy, man. It's like for the first time in my life, everything's finally making sense, you know?
00:08:24And that's a good thing?
00:08:26Yeah, of course it is.
00:08:28I get to go on real digs with real paleontologists.
00:08:30And you know what we're doing on my very first day?
00:08:32How would I know that?
00:08:33We're gonna go to a dig site where they've already found a brand new species of Cretaceous Aerotheropon.
00:08:37And, and, and they've already given her a name too, Snamasdai.
00:08:40Snamasdai.
00:08:40Yeah, apparently she's massive.
00:08:43And her femur bone is exactly five foot, ten and a half inches long, which is my precise height, which
00:08:49is weird and neat, right?
00:08:51Yeah.
00:08:52I'm just happy you're happy.
00:08:54Yeah.
00:08:55Just don't freak out when you learn what actually killed the dinosaurs.
00:08:58What do you mean?
00:09:00No.
00:09:02Uh, it's too soon. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna shut up now.
00:09:06No, no.
00:09:07What do you think killed the dinosaurs, Danny?
00:09:10Well, it wasn't a fucking meteor, I'll tell you that.
00:09:18What?
00:09:20Just so you know, I don't actually care that you believe in all this conspiracy theory stuff. It honestly doesn't
00:09:28even bother me.
00:09:29Conspiracy theory stuff? Just so you know, all science is theory until proven otherwise. Did you know that Galileo was
00:09:34once considered a conspiracy theorist?
00:09:36Okay, but just so you know, even if somehow one of your crazy conspiracy theories just happened to be proven
00:09:41true, nobody would believe you because you think everything is part of some massive conspiracy theory.
00:09:45So you basically just be the boy who cried wolf.
00:09:47Oh, just so you know, the boy who cried wolf is a personal hero of mine.
00:09:50Of course he is.
00:09:51Now think about it.
00:09:52He tricked his entire town into thinking that a wolf was coming.
00:09:54So by the end, when the wolf actually came, he had them all to himself.
00:09:56And who doesn't want a little wolf?
00:10:07This just in, Jason Biggs' death has been officially ruled a homicide.
00:10:11The suspect is sick, bloody, grisly murder.
00:10:14We should all be very sad, according to his estate.
00:10:23So, tell me about this job in Tucson.
00:10:27Oh, yeah. I'm really excited about it.
00:10:30Is it like an office job, or...?
00:10:32The day I set foot in an office is the day I die.
00:10:35Yeah, so, what is it?
00:10:37Oh, I can't say. I signed an NDA.
00:10:39With who?
00:10:40Can't say that either.
00:10:41Well, can you tell me anything about it?
00:10:44Let me think. No?
00:10:45Well, come on, you're not being chased by a bounty hunter or something, are you?
00:10:49Jesus, Luke!
00:10:51I'm not that guy anymore.
00:10:53Alright, sorry.
00:10:54Sure, at one point I was a little off my rocker.
00:10:57Sure, at one point I ran for sheriff of Daytona under the name Deacon Shrimp.
00:11:00Sure, at one point I scammed the Portuguese Mafia out of a thousand fluid ounces of Taiwanese ketamine.
00:11:05What?
00:11:05But I also know I haven't been the best big brother to you.
00:11:08I left you all alone in that hellhole.
00:11:10Took out multiple houseboat loans in your name.
00:11:12That was you?
00:11:12But I'm a changed man now, who's trying to get his life back on track, and...
00:11:18I need you to believe that.
00:11:22Uh...
00:11:22Yeah.
00:11:23Alright.
00:11:24I have no reason to lie to you, man.
00:11:26Literally not one.
00:11:27Knock on wood.
00:11:29Sheriff's department!
00:11:31Sheriff's department!
00:11:49Hey.
00:11:50Oh yeah, he's been here.
00:11:52Looks like his brother's helping him after all.
00:11:54We're gonna need an additional 277 on Luke Davenport, accomplice to a wanted felon Daniel Davenport.
00:12:05The
00:12:06Three Mart Lord's so young.
00:12:09La la la la la la la.
00:12:13Three Mart Lord's so young.
00:12:17Their self wait to see.
00:12:21Three Mart Lord's so young.
00:12:25La la la la la la la.
00:12:28Three Martial Hots So Young
00:12:32They set sail from Britain
00:12:35Three Martial Hots So Young
00:12:40Three Martial Hots So Young
00:12:44They need sail away to sea
00:12:46Three Martial Hots So Young
00:12:48Three Martial Hots So Young
00:12:52They set sail from Britain
00:12:54A storm began as they set sail
00:12:57So the winds were gone around and the winds were strong, the journey long, they landed in you found love.
00:13:03It's no coincidence that it was around the same time Bill Gates had Princess Di assassinated.
00:13:07And that's the fourth reason why one should never trust the Portuguese.
00:13:12What?
00:13:13Nothing.
00:13:14Oh, seriously, man, what?
00:13:16No, it's, it's nothing. Never mind.
00:13:18I know that look. You're contemplating whether or not I'm back on my meds, huh?
00:13:22How is that a look?
00:13:23Well, I am, okay?
00:13:24I mean, do I look like Todd Simmons on a Spanish holiday?
00:13:27Who the fuck is Todd Simmons?
00:13:29I swear, you have nothing to wor-
00:13:34What? What is it?
00:13:36Nothing. It's nothing.
00:13:38I'm just going to go see if old man Waters still lives over there. I'll be right back.
00:13:42Old man Waters, it's clearly made up.
00:13:44And it's my turn to drive.
00:14:08Hands on the steering wheel.
00:14:09Now!
00:14:10Oh, dear.
00:14:11I gotta hand it to you.
00:14:13I thought I lost you back in Wind River.
00:14:16You banged me up good.
00:14:18I don't want your fucking money!
00:14:19Hands on the wheel!
00:14:20Do it now!
00:14:21Oh, dear.
00:14:21Does this mean anything to you, huh?
00:14:24It's a Taco Gary's taco.
00:14:27As in the TG Truce of 21?
00:14:29Is this Taco Gary?
00:14:31It's Taco Gary!
00:14:33This is a Mercedes, right?
00:14:35I don't know.
00:14:36I don't know.
00:14:37It's my husband's car.
00:14:39We were using the restroom.
00:15:01God damn it!
00:15:02I'm truly sorry for mistaking you for a member of the Coalition.
00:15:05It was an honest mistake.
00:15:09I'm assuming you have the child lock on.
00:15:12Thank you, ma'am.
00:15:14You have a lovely day.
00:15:29Get!
00:15:32Fuck!
00:15:37You okay?
00:15:39Not really, man.
00:15:41I saw it.
00:15:42Fuck.
00:15:43Okay, yeah, putting a hunting knife to a grandmother's throat looks really bad on paper,
00:15:47but technically that was in self-defense.
00:15:48What? No, I'm talking about these fucking M&Ms, man.
00:15:53Oh, yeah, me too.
00:15:55You're lying to me, Danny, again.
00:15:57Relax, Luke. They're just anti-psychotics. Nothing bad's gonna happen.
00:16:00Not yet, but I refuse to be the idiot in the horror movie
00:16:04who sees all the dead animals and the ghost children, yet doesn't get out.
00:16:08I feel like I'm being set up for disaster.
00:16:10If you would like me to take the regular pills that work, I will, okay?
00:16:14Pinky swear.
00:16:15I love you, Danny. I do, but I am in a new chapter in my life
00:16:18and I don't have time to accommodate you in your...
00:16:20Wait, what did you do to some grandma?
00:16:22Nothing. It's a metaphor.
00:16:26Where's my phone?
00:16:28You promise you won't get angry?
00:16:31Oh, God.
00:16:32Look, for your own safety and for reasons I can't disclose yet,
00:16:35I had to dispose of your phone via toilet at the gas station.
00:16:38Pull over.
00:16:39Why? We just stopped.
00:16:40Pull over!
00:16:42Please, calm down.
00:16:44What is happening right now?
00:16:48Where are you going?
00:16:51God damn it!
00:16:52What the fuck?
00:16:56Shit.
00:16:57Just wait!
00:16:58Just wait!
00:16:59Nope!
00:16:59It's over!
00:17:00You're not gonna talk me out of it!
00:17:01I know!
00:17:02I know!
00:17:03I understand!
00:17:04Fuck, I'm sorry!
00:17:06You know, I hate taking that shit.
00:17:08It makes me feel too...
00:17:10Not me.
00:17:11Things make too much sense.
00:17:13That's a bad thing?
00:17:14Can you just get out of the car so I can give you a proper hug goodbye?
00:17:17No!
00:17:17I'll leave.
00:17:18I promise.
00:17:20This might be a really long time before I see you again.
00:17:22Just come out and give me one last hug and then I'm gone, okay?
00:17:27Please?
00:17:38Love you, man.
00:17:39Love you, too.
00:17:41What the fuck was that?
00:17:43I know.
00:17:43I'm sorry.
00:17:43It's for your own good.
00:17:45Don't, don't.
00:17:45Trust me.
00:17:45Don't!
00:17:46Trust me!
00:17:47You're okay.
00:17:49All right.
00:17:50That's it.
00:17:52You're okay.
00:17:53No.
00:17:57Good night, sweet prince.
00:18:00They never show this part in the movies.
00:18:03How hard could it be?
00:18:41There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:18:45What happened?
00:18:46Where are we?
00:18:47What?
00:18:47You don't remember?
00:18:48Makes sense.
00:18:49You were pretty damn drunk.
00:18:50No, no, I, I remember I couldn't find my phone and, and then we, we got in an argument
00:19:00and, holy shit, you, you, okay, fine, I injected you with some ketamine, but you were having
00:19:10a temper tantrum.
00:19:11Oh, you're out of your mind.
00:19:13You're, you're, oh, God.
00:19:21There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:19:23God damn it!
00:19:24I know.
00:19:25This hurts me just as much as it hurts you.
00:19:27Why are you doing this to me?
00:19:30I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:19:32I kind of stumbled into some trouble and I sort of need to, how do I say this, flee the
00:19:37country.
00:19:37So when I found out that you're going to Canada, I thought it was meant to be, you know, like
00:19:40fate.
00:19:41What did you do?
00:19:41Nothing.
00:19:42I simply took something from someone deemed important.
00:19:45Hey, give it back.
00:19:46No.
00:19:47The world needs to see this and I need your help.
00:19:50No.
00:19:50Come on, Luke.
00:19:52You're family.
00:19:53And you know family is the most important thing of all.
00:19:55Family sticks together no matter what.
00:19:59Paid my neighbor to say that, didn't you?
00:20:01Look, it's not my fault your neighbor didn't take the extra five minutes to memorize his fucking lines.
00:20:05Look, whatever.
00:20:05It doesn't matter.
00:20:06The fact is, I love you.
00:20:08And you're the only one that I can truly trust.
00:20:10And you have a valid passport.
00:20:11And we kind of look like each other.
00:20:12I can't believe I fell for this.
00:20:14No.
00:20:15No.
00:20:16No, no, no.
00:20:17Help!
00:20:18Come here, you little rascal.
00:20:20Help!
00:20:22Stop doing that!
00:20:23Look, I'm begging you, man.
00:20:24I need your help.
00:20:25And I need to borrow your identity one last time.
00:20:27Just try to see the forest through the trees.
00:20:29It's for the trees, you idiot.
00:20:32And the answer is no.
00:20:34I am not going to risk my chance at happiness for you.
00:20:37Thing is, Luke, I don't think you have any other options.
00:20:41Of course I do.
00:20:42I'll just suck it up and fly there.
00:20:44Truck's worthless anyway, and all my important stuff is already in my new place.
00:20:47Yeah, but you can't book a flight without your phone and your wallet.
00:20:50God damn it.
00:20:51Where's my wallet, Danny?
00:20:53Danny?
00:20:55It's in safe hands.
00:20:56You'll get it once we cross the border.
00:20:57I know that look.
00:20:58You want to cause me physical harm.
00:21:00But right now, I'm your best and only option.
00:21:02You'll still get there on time.
00:21:03I promise.
00:21:04Any questions?
00:21:05Can I at least have my shirt back?
00:21:07No.
00:21:07Oh, and there's something else I need to give you.
00:21:09Now, you're probably not ready to hear this, but that right there is a highly advanced homing beacon.
00:21:13This is a Rubik's suit covered in black Sharpie.
00:21:16Trust me, that's the highest of high tech.
00:21:17I do not trust you.
00:21:18And don't ask me how I got it.
00:21:20I'll just say it involved a full-figured Bigfoot suit, a live chicken, and a shit-ton of ketamine.
00:21:24Now, in the off chance that we get separated, you press this part down right here, and I'll know exactly
00:21:28where you are.
00:21:30Oh, shit, get down.
00:21:31What?
00:21:31Get down.
00:21:32No.
00:21:32At least take a knee.
00:21:33No.
00:21:34Shit, the truck's been made.
00:21:37Oh, thank God.
00:21:38What?
00:21:38What?
00:21:39If you tattletale, I swear you'll never make it to your job.
00:21:41I'll tell them you're the mastermind behind all this.
00:21:43How are you going to do that?
00:21:44You really should rethink your password.
00:21:45Just add a few numbers or big letters.
00:21:47Those go a long way.
00:21:49What have you been doing?
00:21:50Enough to make it seem like you and I have been accomplices all along, but if you stick with me,
00:21:53I'll clear your name.
00:21:54Pinky swear.
00:21:54God damn it.
00:21:55That's okay, brother.
00:21:56I intended for plan A to fail.
00:21:58This is all part of the plan.
00:21:59We're just going to skip ahead to step 17.
00:22:01W-W-T-S-D.
00:22:03What would Todd Simmons do?
00:22:05How many hand grenades do you have on your person?
00:22:06Did it.
00:22:07On second thought, we don't need a truck.
00:22:08Well, my passport is in there.
00:22:09God damn it.
00:22:10Look, what were you thinking?
00:22:11I was unconscious.
00:22:12You could say that again.
00:22:13That's them.
00:22:14Shit, plan C.
00:22:15Run.
00:22:15You'll never catch us.
00:22:17We're very armed and extremely deranged.
00:22:19Why would you say that?
00:22:20No, no, no.
00:22:20We're not.
00:22:21I'm not.
00:22:22Fuck.
00:22:26This way.
00:22:27This way.
00:22:28This way.
00:22:32This way.
00:22:33This way.
00:22:43This way.
00:22:45This way.
00:22:46This way.
00:22:58This way.
00:23:01Oh, my God.
00:23:33Oh, my God.
00:23:40Hey, Derek!
00:23:45Leave us all.
00:23:48Come on! Fuck! I'm so fucked!
00:23:51Why did you say that?
00:23:53That is nothing compared to what I told the authorities we've been doing for the last few weeks.
00:23:56No, you! Not we! You!
00:23:58Shut up! This is all happening according to the new plan that I just thought of.
00:24:02All we need is a ride so I can connect with an associate I have in the area, and that
00:24:06guy's perfect.
00:24:08Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
00:24:09I'm gonna tell him that my fiancé's dog, Stanley McRuff-Ruff, was stolen by a one-eyed Portuguese man,
00:24:14and we're on a desperate and inspiring rescue mission.
00:24:16Why would anyone believe that?
00:24:18Because no one wants to believe the truth anymore, man.
00:24:20And people don't let strangers with no pants ride in their car willy-nilly.
00:24:23Why are you still no pants?
00:24:24Bingo bombo.
00:24:26What?
00:24:29What the fuck?
00:24:30You know, if something happened to my little ruff ruff, I'd do the same thing.
00:24:35Damn Portuguese.
00:24:36Amen, brother.
00:24:38Oh, right.
00:24:39For your information, I've kidnapped my brother, and I'm forcing him to come along against his will.
00:24:44He wants to let you know in case you're a witness in a trial that'll never happen.
00:24:49Brothers, huh?
00:24:50I guess y'all do smell pretty similar.
00:24:56Danny, what the fuck are you doing?
00:24:57These are the exact coordinates.
00:24:58I triple-checked.
00:25:00Excuse me.
00:25:00Sir, do you mind driving me to the hospital?
00:25:02I've been kidnapped!
00:25:04Nice try, Luke, but no one wants to believe the truth anymore.
00:25:06Just let me work.
00:25:08Now that neither of us have a passport because you're irresponsible,
00:25:11we're going to require the services of a badger.
00:25:13It's like a Canadian coyote.
00:25:15She'll help us cross the border.
00:25:27Let's talk.
00:25:29No running, Eric!
00:25:33It's nice to see you again, Allison.
00:25:35It's been a while.
00:25:36This is my little brother, Luke.
00:25:39Ah, I know that, Luke.
00:25:41You're sexually attracted to her, aren't you?
00:25:44Sue, where are you two heading?
00:25:45I'm trying to get to Ottawa before Monday, and he's a wanted felon.
00:25:49Ottawa.
00:25:50What, you guys got family up there or something?
00:25:54Eric, slow the fuck down!
00:25:55You're a good brother, you know, helping Danny out like this.
00:25:58That man has opened my eyes to a lot of truths.
00:26:02Did you know there's a metropolis of squid people living directly beneath Santa Fe, New Mexico?
00:26:10I'm just playing. I don't believe in that kind of stuff.
00:26:12Who's here?
00:26:14God damn it, Eric.
00:26:15I don't get it. You seem so...
00:26:17Look, when Danny called me up asking if I knew a badger, I just went, screw it. I'll be your
00:26:21badger.
00:26:21I've got nothing else to do right now, and Danny always knows how to spin nothing into something crazy and
00:26:25fun.
00:26:26This is not fun.
00:26:28Okay, before Danny came back, things in my life were just finally starting to make sense.
00:26:33That's a good thing?
00:26:34Danny will clear your name. He's gotten me out of much tighter chance than this, trust me.
00:26:38And who knows, maybe by the end you'll no longer see this cup as half-empty like me.
00:26:41Oh, yeah? Why's that?
00:26:42Because they stopped drawing contacts. Can't see shit now.
00:26:44I just made contact with an associate of mine. He's gonna provide us with a new vehicle and weaponry.
00:26:49Can he be trusted?
00:26:50Oh, yeah. We ran a lot of jobs together back in Pismo.
00:26:53No, no, no, no. Danny, please tell me you're not talking about Clio.
00:26:57I don't know what you'd like me to say then.
00:26:59Danny, come on. Isn't he like the president of the Flat Earth Society?
00:27:01No, not anymore. He knows the world is a three-dimensional isosceles triangle. Don't worry.
00:27:06He said to meet him at these coordinates.
00:27:10Jesus Christ!
00:27:10Relax, baby. You're in a sauna. This is definitely the spot. I quadruple-checked the coordinates.
00:27:16Wait, you said his name was Clio?
00:27:17Yeah. He purposely misspells his name to make himself harder to track. It's very smart.
00:27:24Come with me.
00:27:29Were you followed?
00:27:30I don't think so.
00:27:32What about that guy?
00:27:33Nope, he's not one of them.
00:27:35Well, who's the sheep?
00:27:37That's my little brother, Lou.
00:27:39Can he be trusted?
00:27:40Yeah, 100%. He's my brother.
00:27:42Ooh, so you found yourself a badger.
00:27:44Best in the business.
00:27:46Only the best for Danny.
00:27:47Okay, guys, can we please just hurry this up?
00:27:49How can I help?
00:27:50They need to get to Ottawa.
00:27:52Ottawa.
00:27:54And no, we don't have any family.
00:27:57Wait.
00:27:59You're going to Ottawa?
00:28:00Well, there's no way you stole what I think you stole.
00:28:03Maybe I did.
00:28:05Oh, you really got it, huh?
00:28:07Then whip it out and show it to me.
00:28:17You didn't realize that it's worth upwards of 27.7 million USD.
00:28:23He's exaggerating.
00:28:24Besides, it's not for sale.
00:28:25Now, can you help us with the vehicle and weaponry or not?
00:28:28You win.
00:28:29It's awful.
00:28:30And eat.
00:28:31Yeah.
00:28:32Yes.
00:28:32Yes, I can.
00:28:36Take your pick.
00:28:37Is this your entire inventory?
00:28:39Yeah.
00:28:40My mom isn't CEO of Gucci Vuitton, I'm sorry to say.
00:28:43Huh.
00:28:46Well, this one doesn't have any side mirrors.
00:28:49Yeah.
00:28:49Well, I had to kick them off to decrease wind resistance.
00:28:53Smart.
00:28:59Ooh, impressive.
00:29:01If you want anything, all this stuff is 30% off.
00:29:13Hey.
00:29:14Sheep.
00:29:15Hey, Baba Sheep.
00:29:16Hey.
00:29:17Hey.
00:29:18You gonna answer me or not?
00:29:20What was the question again?
00:29:22If Grover Cleveland showed up right here, right now, right next to you,
00:29:26and you got to ask him one question, what would it be?
00:29:28I don't know.
00:29:29I guess I'd ask him what he thought about current events and stuff.
00:29:34Wrong.
00:29:35Okay.
00:29:36Clio, what would you ask him?
00:29:38How he did it.
00:29:40How he did what?
00:29:41Time travel.
00:29:41How did a man that size show up right here, right now, right next to you?
00:29:46That didn't weird you out or anything?
00:29:47That didn't spring up a bunch of questions in your mind?
00:29:50Danny, we already got the car, man.
00:29:51Can we just go?
00:29:52Jesus, be careful, man.
00:29:54Relax.
00:29:55It's not even loaded.
00:29:56Whoa, Danny.
00:29:57The fuck are you doing?
00:29:58What?
00:29:58There's nothing to worry about.
00:30:00See?
00:30:02Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
00:30:05Clio, you son of a bitch.
00:30:07You were trying to rip me off.
00:30:08Bullshit.
00:30:09You probably had the safety on.
00:30:10It's off.
00:30:11Look.
00:30:13That is not how you test it!
00:30:16What?
00:30:16Let me see.
00:30:17Jesus, what is the matter with you guys?
00:30:19God!
00:30:21I don't understand it.
00:30:22It randomly discharged this morning.
00:30:24It should work.
00:30:25Hmm.
00:30:29Wouldn't it be funny if it just randomly went off right now?
00:30:35I mean, a little.
00:30:41Hey, Mama, you want a taco?
00:30:43Okay.
00:30:44You're lost.
00:30:55Hey.
00:30:55Hey, Bubba.
00:30:56Next question.
00:30:57If you could have brunch with one person, living, dead, or ghost, who would it be?
00:31:02My former self, do you remind me to never ever trust my brother.
00:31:06Seriously, if I miss out on this dig, I will literally shoot you.
00:31:09Wrong answer, pal.
00:31:10Okay, Clio.
00:31:12What's the right one then?
00:31:13Todd Simmons.
00:31:14Okay, well, someone please just tell me who the fuck this Todd Simmons guy is.
00:31:18Oh, shit!
00:31:19Oh, my God!
00:31:21I told you it worked!
00:31:23Oh, fuck!
00:31:24Oh, fuck!
00:31:25I've been fucking shot!
00:31:26You sure that wasn't there the whole time?
00:31:28God, no!
00:31:28Call 911!
00:31:29Fine, it's just a BB.
00:31:30Fuck you, Danny.
00:31:31It hurts!
00:31:32Check for an exit wound.
00:31:35Somebody help me!
00:31:36Somebody help me!
00:31:37Bring it!
00:31:39Somebody!
00:31:41Not like that, you idiot!
00:31:47Badger, go upstairs to my room and get the band-aids for my grenade drawer.
00:31:51On it.
00:31:51All right, we gotta restrain him, because I'm gonna suck the bullet out.
00:31:55What the fuck?
00:31:55That's what you do with snake film!
00:31:57Yeah, that doesn't sound right.
00:31:58Trust me.
00:31:58I'm a doctor.
00:31:59Well, really?
00:32:00If you're a doctor, let's see your badge.
00:32:03Checks out.
00:32:03Proceed, Clio.
00:32:04Okay.
00:32:05Fuck!
00:32:07Oh, gross!
00:32:08He's vaccinated!
00:32:10Oh, shit!
00:32:11Somebody call 911!
00:32:13Please!
00:32:14I got it.
00:32:15It's okay, dude.
00:32:16I'll take care of you, all right?
00:32:19No!
00:32:20It's okay!
00:32:21It's just enough to ease the pain!
00:32:22How about we make our own exit wound?
00:32:24I'm gonna push the bullet all the way through.
00:32:26No!
00:32:27Oh, wait!
00:32:28What is happening?
00:32:29What does it look like we're making an exit wound?
00:32:32Oh, let me try it.
00:32:33Oh, shit!
00:32:35Sorry, sorry!
00:32:35I'm going to the bathroom!
00:32:38Help!
00:32:38Help!
00:32:40Okay.
00:32:41Alright.
00:32:42Okay.
00:32:42Alright.
00:32:43Okay.
00:32:44Oh, wow.
00:32:45That was satisfying.
00:32:47Everything's gonna be fine, brother.
00:32:49Woo!
00:32:52Oh, fuck Muffin.
00:32:55Clio.
00:32:55Clio.
00:33:03She must have just bought it.
00:33:04I swear, I didn't know!
00:33:05Well, now they know!
00:33:06Oh, easy, easy.
00:33:07He's pretty tased.
00:33:10Run!
00:33:11Run!
00:33:12Run!
00:33:27Go!
00:33:28Go!
00:33:29Go!
00:33:29Go!
00:33:29Go!
00:33:30Go!
00:33:30Go!
00:33:31Go!
00:33:32Oh, fuck Muffin.
00:33:34I think I just pierced my pants.
00:33:36Are we being followed?
00:33:37I don't know!
00:33:37I can't tell without any side view mirrors!
00:33:41Shit!
00:33:42Is that them?
00:33:43Think so?
00:33:44Good thing I called shotgun.
00:33:46Whoa!
00:33:46What the fuck are you doing, Danny?
00:33:48Calm down!
00:33:48It's okay, alright?
00:33:50I'm just gonna shoot out the tires.
00:33:51No blood shall be spilled this day.
00:33:54I mean, no additional blood.
00:33:58Goddammit!
00:33:58Clio, this one's busted too!
00:34:00No doy!
00:34:00Why do you think it was in the parking beer?
00:34:02Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
00:34:04What do we do, man?
00:34:04The only thing we can do, we gotta get to a Taco Gary's.
00:34:07It's neutral territory.
00:34:09No member of the Coalition can do business inside of a Taco Gary's restaurant.
00:34:12Can you please let me out of the car?
00:34:13It's the truth, non-believer!
00:34:15When the Coalition was founded, fights broke out for tickets off-world.
00:34:18The Head Elders declared their favorite restaurant, Taco Gary's, as a safe zone.
00:34:22Violators of the safe zone had their eyes melted, and their souls sold on the Galactic Slave Market.
00:34:28It's not that bad.
00:34:30He's exaggerating.
00:34:31The Galactic Slave Market closed about seven years ago.
00:34:33Okay, just keep going straight.
00:34:35I think there's one just over Jeremani Ridge.
00:34:36Copy that.
00:34:37Got it.
00:34:58Get in.
00:35:00Oh
00:35:02s...
00:35:03s...
00:35:04Fuck.
00:35:04T-t-t-t-t.
00:35:07Sorry.
00:35:08I can't hear you.
00:35:11Danny.
00:35:12It's okay.
00:35:13Stop staring.
00:35:14We're safe for now.
00:35:15Safe for now, but how the heck are we gonna get out of here alive?
00:35:23I don't know. Are you guys sure she wants to kill us?
00:35:25Mm-hmm.
00:35:26What she wants is what I stole, and she'll happily string us up by her testicles to get it.
00:35:30And your vagina.
00:35:31Sorry.
00:35:32You should go before you're implicated any further.
00:35:35You can shove that idea.
00:35:37Cause I'm going with you guys.
00:35:38All the way to Ottawa.
00:35:40I gotta see this thing through.
00:35:41No.
00:35:42I can't be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:35:44Oh, but this guy gets to go?
00:35:46This useless piece of this guy?
00:35:48No way.
00:35:49Probably couldn't shoot a pheasant out of the sky with a sightless crossbow.
00:35:52But you know who can?
00:35:54Cash Israel.
00:35:56You're not friends with him.
00:35:57Yes, I am.
00:35:58You guys are talking to me.
00:35:59Yeah, we're talking and we're tight.
00:36:00And he told me one thing.
00:36:02He said, I'm gonna teach you everything I know, pal.
00:36:04And then he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
00:36:06Look, what I have here is worth 27.7 million USD.
00:36:11I can...
00:36:12I cannot be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:36:16Fine.
00:36:17I'll leave.
00:36:19But I'm not going out without...
00:36:23What is this?
00:36:26It's not friggin' heavy.
00:36:28What the...
00:36:29It's bolted.
00:36:37Fine.
00:36:40Goddammit.
00:36:43Okay.
00:36:45Clio's alive.
00:36:47What are you doing?
00:36:48Jesus.
00:36:49Are you that unaware?
00:36:50I am done with all of this.
00:36:52I'm taking whatever you stole and I'm calling the police.
00:36:54You can't do that.
00:36:56What about getting to Ottawa on time, huh?
00:36:57If I stay with you, I'll probably never make it out.
00:36:59Do my fucking thing.
00:37:00Go take it!
00:37:02Did you take something out of here?
00:37:04Huh?
00:37:05What the hell?
00:37:08What the fuck?
00:37:13Ugh!
00:37:14You truce-breaking fuck!
00:37:16What happened to Taco Gary's piece?
00:37:18How about your pardon?
00:37:19Don't play dumb with me.
00:37:21I know you're a member of the coalition.
00:37:22Danny!
00:37:23Danny!
00:37:29No, no, Kyle.
00:37:30No!
00:37:31No, no, no, no, no!
00:37:32Fuck!
00:37:33Fuck!
00:37:36Goddammit!
00:37:37I swear to God, I'm gonna rip off his fucking head,
00:37:39shove it up his ass and fuck-
00:37:41Shut up!
00:37:45Listen to me.
00:37:46Very closely.
00:37:48You're fucking insane.
00:37:49What?
00:37:51No, there is no but, asshole.
00:37:53Wow.
00:37:54I can't believe my own brother's turning against me, too.
00:37:57Of course you can't believe it, because it's the truth.
00:37:59Look at me.
00:37:59I have been shot and stabbed and drugged and fucking kidnapped all in the last 16 hours.
00:38:04I know this sounds crazy, but it's still all part of the plan, okay?
00:38:07I don't like seeing you like this.
00:38:09You know how hard it is?
00:38:09Oh, my God!
00:38:10Are you actually trying to play the victim right now?
00:38:11Seriously?
00:38:12You have got to be the most selfishly psychotic fuck-up on the entire planet!
00:38:17And I am not gonna let you ruin my life anymore!
00:38:21Wait, don't-
00:38:21You can't go.
00:38:23This whole trip is about you.
00:38:26Mom and Dad were right to cut you out of their lives.
00:38:30And my only regret is that I didn't do the same.
00:38:34You are what's wrong with this world, Danny.
00:38:39Never contact me again.
00:38:45You coming?
00:38:49Come on, Allison.
00:38:51You are clearly a smart person.
00:38:53If you want some excitement in your life, just buy a Vespa.
00:38:55It's a lot safer than all this!
00:39:05I'm gonna stay with Danny.
00:39:08Okay!
00:39:10Okay!
00:39:12Am I the last same person left in this entire country?!
00:39:16Okay!
00:39:17Okay!
00:39:18It's okay.
00:39:19Just let him cool off a little bit.
00:39:20He ain't going far.
00:39:21You want a burrito?
00:39:22I'm starving.
00:39:30Yeah!
00:39:36I'm buh-
00:39:37Okay.
00:39:42Uh, excuse me.
00:39:44Hey, can-can-can I use your phone?
00:39:46I'm not allowed to let customers use the phone.
00:39:49Use your own damn phone.
00:39:50Great.
00:39:51Well, that's a very good idea, except it has been stolen,
00:39:54hence why I'm asking to borrow yours.
00:39:56Customs aren't allowed.
00:39:57Well, it's an emergency.
00:39:58What kind of emergency?
00:39:59Well, I have been kidnapped and shot, for one.
00:40:02You've been shot?
00:40:03You think I'm dumb?
00:40:05This motherfucker.
00:40:07Would it help if I told you that my fiance's dog has been kidnapped
00:40:09by a one-eyed Portuguese man, and I need to tell the police about it?
00:40:13Of course.
00:40:26911, what's your emergency?
00:40:28Yes, hello, hi. My name is Luke Davenport, and I have been kidnapped by my brother Danny Davenport.
00:40:32I believe he is wanted, or maybe we both are, but I am the victim here.
00:40:36I was the one who was kidnapped, and I have been drugged, and I have been shot, and-
00:40:40One moment, please.
00:40:45So, what brings you out here?
00:40:48Were you not listening?
00:40:49Well, it all got right.
00:40:52Is your brother currently with you?
00:40:54No, he is not.
00:40:55What's your location?
00:40:57Hey, what's the name of this place?
00:40:59Huh?
00:41:00What's that?
00:41:01Where are we?
00:41:04You know, if anything happens to my little Ruff Ruff, I'll do the same.
00:41:08I don't-
00:41:13I'll tell your fucking head.
00:41:15I'll tell your fucking head!
00:41:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm on your side!
00:41:19M-m-m-m-m-your side!
00:41:20I don't even sound like that, come on.
00:41:22Oh, what the fuck is that?
00:41:23Sir, that's my penis!
00:41:25Very nice. It's very nice.
00:41:27But a lot of skill. What's wrong with that? What's happening here?
00:41:29What? No!
00:41:29If you don't understand, I would take it against my will.
00:41:32Shut the fuck up!
00:41:34No, it's Danny that you want, and I can tell you where he's going.
00:41:38You think I'm done?
00:41:40Ah, he's going to Ottawa, him and your other accomplice.
00:41:43The kooky guy with the beautiful hair.
00:41:45They are not my accomplices.
00:41:47So you do think I'm done?
00:41:48Okay.
00:41:49That's how we're gonna play it?
00:41:50No, listen, I need to talk to a lawyer, okay?
00:41:52I do get one phone call.
00:41:53Oh, my friend, that is what you're wrong.
00:41:56You see, I'm not the police.
00:41:57And you don't get to call nobody.
00:42:01What?
00:42:10What's up, man?
00:42:11What?
00:42:12How close are they?
00:42:13How close are they?
00:42:14How close are they?
00:42:14How close are they?
00:42:15How close are they?
00:42:16How close are they?
00:42:16How close are they?
00:42:35What is this place?
00:42:37My summer bomb shelter, of course.
00:42:40Jason Biggs.
00:42:41What?
00:42:42Were you expecting Todd Simmons or something?
00:42:44Uh-oh!
00:42:46That was good.
00:42:47Oh, my goodness.
00:42:47That was fantastic.
00:42:49Oh, yeah, it was good.
00:42:51You're supposed to be dead.
00:42:52God, you look terrible, buddy.
00:42:54Tiago, did you offer him a drink?
00:42:55I did not.
00:42:56What about some mango?
00:42:56I could slice one up for you.
00:42:58I'm okay.
00:43:00What do you think, Tiago?
00:43:01Should we, like, tie him up or something?
00:43:03Is that a good idea?
00:43:03No, it's really whatever you feel, Jason.
00:43:05I don't know, Tiago.
00:43:06That's why I was asking you.
00:43:08Do we even have rope?
00:43:09Oh, we have rope.
00:43:10Okay, great.
00:43:10Then we might as well use it, right?
00:43:13Maybe some duct tape for his mouth?
00:43:15Huh?
00:43:16How does that look?
00:43:17Perfect.
00:43:17Great.
00:43:18Well done, Tiago.
00:43:19Go have yourself some mango.
00:43:21Hey, I don't want to be rude,
00:43:22but I'm kind of, like, up to here with mangoes for today.
00:43:31Suit yourself.
00:43:33Lots of good mangoes not being taken advantage of.
00:43:37So, you are probably wondering,
00:43:39why haven't we shot you in the face yet?
00:43:42It's because we need your brother,
00:43:44the criminal formerly known as Sheriff Deacon Shrimp.
00:43:49You see, I am the victim here, okay?
00:43:53Sure.
00:43:54Myself and thousands of others may be faking our death
00:43:57in order to, well, I'm sure you know all that.
00:44:04What's that?
00:44:10Do you get, what?
00:44:11Just one more time.
00:44:14This is making me so uncomfortable.
00:44:16This whole, like, you know, tied up interrogation vibe,
00:44:19it makes me feel like the bad guy.
00:44:20And you're not the bad guy.
00:44:21Exactly.
00:44:21You are the victim.
00:44:23Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Yeah, a little bit.
00:44:25Scaling it back.
00:44:26Okay.
00:44:31Nope.
00:44:33Okay.
00:44:35How does this look, Tiago?
00:44:36Yeah, you know,
00:44:37it looks like two guys just casually enjoying mangoes.
00:44:40Perfect.
00:44:41Perfect.
00:44:42Yeah, great.
00:44:42Great.
00:44:43Now, where was I?
00:44:44Ah, yes.
00:44:45The point is,
00:44:47I am not hurting anyone.
00:44:49But if I don't have my ticket,
00:44:51this whole charade would be for naught.
00:44:54Right?
00:44:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:55Right.
00:44:55So, I need you to contact your brother
00:44:58and explain the situation.
00:45:00What is the situation?
00:45:01That I'm being held hostage?
00:45:04Hold up.
00:45:05Whoa.
00:45:06Wait a minute.
00:45:07Stop that.
00:45:08Yikes.
00:45:09Woo, big word.
00:45:09No, that's, uh, ooh, that word.
00:45:11And, again,
00:45:13I am not the bad guy.
00:45:15Okay.
00:45:16You know what?
00:45:17Yep.
00:45:17Tiago?
00:45:18Yep.
00:45:18Bring the ropes back.
00:45:20Okay.
00:45:21Much better.
00:45:22Much better.
00:45:23Now,
00:45:24you need to inform your brother
00:45:26that he has 24 hours
00:45:28to find that Kyle friend of his.
00:45:30It's, it's Clyle.
00:45:32What?
00:45:32His name is Clyle.
00:45:34Are you, like, stuttering?
00:45:35No, it's Clyle.
00:45:37Clyle?
00:45:38With a Ginell sound?
00:45:39Yeah.
00:45:40K-L?
00:45:41Y-L-E.
00:45:42Oh.
00:45:43Oh.
00:45:43Stupid name.
00:45:44Yeah.
00:45:45That does explain, though,
00:45:46why he's been so difficult to track.
00:45:47He got you.
00:45:48Yeah.
00:45:48Very clever.
00:45:49Very clever.
00:45:50Regardless,
00:45:51you need to facilitate
00:45:52returning what is rightfully mine
00:45:54or
00:45:57this dog gets it.
00:45:59Who, whose dog is that?
00:46:01Lives are on the line here!
00:46:04Don't make Tiago become the bad guy.
00:46:06I'll do it,
00:46:06but I don't want to.
00:46:07Daddy doesn't even have a cell phone.
00:46:09There's literally no way to contact him.
00:46:10Oh, well, in that case, Tiago.
00:46:12Bye-bye, puppy.
00:46:12No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I just remembered.
00:46:15He gave me this.
00:46:19Damn it.
00:46:20Oopsie.
00:46:20Tiago?
00:46:21Yep.
00:46:23Did we not frisk him?
00:46:24I did.
00:46:25I did, Jason.
00:46:25I swear.
00:46:26It's just I got super distracted by his massive amount of foreskin, man.
00:46:30It was like tickling a sharp paint, man.
00:46:32You could feel all that?
00:46:33Dude, you can see it!
00:46:35Oh, my God.
00:46:36Wow.
00:46:37You can see it.
00:46:38Yep.
00:46:39Very nice.
00:46:40What is it?
00:46:41I don't know.
00:46:41He told me it's like a locating beacon for if we ever get separated.
00:46:47This is obviously just a black Rubik's Cube.
00:46:50Well, I see what's happening.
00:46:51You think we're done.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:53Nope.
00:46:54No, not at all.
00:46:56I know my tech, and that is definitely some elder high tech right there.
00:47:00Okay, fine.
00:47:02How does it work, smart guy?
00:47:03I don't know.
00:47:08What if I just twist it?
00:47:10Good thinking.
00:47:10Great.
00:47:11Yeah.
00:47:36Born a worm, spins a cocoon, goes to sleep, wakes up a butterfly.
00:47:45Oh, what the fuck is that about?
00:47:50What the fuck is that about?
00:48:10There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:48:12What happened?
00:48:14I don't know.
00:48:14You were just having one crazy-ass nightmare or something.
00:48:17I'm just kidding.
00:48:17Jason Biggs really did kidnap you.
00:48:20I figured you'd wander off at some point and get snagged by one of his minions, so the beacon
00:48:24I gave you was actually an elder stun grenade was actually an elder stun grenade.
00:48:54They're a group of tech giants and celebrities and politicians who have been secretly dealing with said extraterrestrial beings, we
00:49:01call them elders, selling earth's natural resources for decades.
00:49:10The coalition agreed to let the elders suck the earth dry under two conditions.
00:49:14One, that they would provide space shuttles to go to a new habitable world, and two, that
00:49:18they'd get 10% of the back end.
00:49:24Why do you think so many rich and famous people have been dying at such a rapid pace these last
00:49:28few years?
00:49:29Take Jason Biggs, for instance.
00:49:30It's because they're not dying.
00:49:31They're covering up for the fact that they're leaving this godforsaken rock for greener pastures.
00:49:36I didn't believe it either until I saw Jason Biggs face down in a mango.
00:49:38It might be the most insane conspiracy theory on the planet, but if everything Danny's saying
00:49:42is true, then we've got to do something about it.
00:49:45I don't care.
00:49:48Stop involving me in this.
00:49:50We want to let the world know that the planet is being sold off by the coalition.
00:49:54I don't care.
00:49:55I just want to go to Ottawa.
00:49:57That's it.
00:49:58We're going to make it to Ottawa, and you're going to get there on time.
00:50:00And once the whistle is blown, no one can touch us.
00:50:02Like Snowden and other tattletales, we'll be protected, and our names will be cleared.
00:50:06But you're going to have to stick with us.
00:50:09Okay, buddy?
00:50:10How do you feel about that?
00:50:20Goddamn coalition.
00:50:21We don't have time for this.
00:50:23Ooh.
00:50:35You all right?
00:50:36I just wanted a better life.
00:50:39A fresh start in a new place.
00:50:41You'll get it.
00:50:42One way or another.
00:50:44Look at what he has done to me.
00:50:48Oh, wait.
00:50:49You can't.
00:50:50Because you prefer to be blind.
00:50:54This isn't normal.
00:50:55There's no such thing as normal, Luke.
00:50:57Look, I used to have a strong narrative that I believed in.
00:51:00But after my mom's death and losing everything to a houseboat fire,
00:51:03I realized the only way I was going to survive this chaotic world is
00:51:06if I just kept admitting to myself that I don't get it.
00:51:10I had to accept the absurdity.
00:51:11Accept the chaos.
00:51:12Accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
00:51:14We got to go.
00:51:15Right now.
00:51:24Hey, boss.
00:51:25I just have a couple of notes, but I don't want you to take this the wrong way.
00:51:30Okay?
00:51:31Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
00:51:32Okay, sometimes I feel like we can shorten the time
00:51:36between talking to the people and killing them.
00:51:40That's a good note.
00:51:41Good note.
00:51:42You know, the power that you exude when you say less is wow.
00:51:47I understand what you're saying.
00:51:48I get it.
00:51:48I get it.
00:51:49Thank you, Tiago.
00:51:50But do you, though?
00:51:51Yes, Tiago.
00:51:51I said I get it.
00:51:53God.
00:52:00I have what you seek.
00:52:01If you'd like to end this race, come to the following coordinates with $27.7 million
00:52:06in a large Gucci Vuitton briefcase.
00:52:09This is quiet, by the way.
00:52:11You know I don't mess around.
00:52:19I don't turn this off.
00:52:20I was not cheating.
00:52:22No.
00:52:26Did you hear that?
00:52:29No, I'm pretty far away.
00:52:30What?
00:52:31No, because I'm pretty far away.
00:52:32Okay.
00:52:35Hey, Tiago, what rhymes with 12.30 a.m.?
00:52:38Oh, phlegm.
00:52:39Phlegm.
00:52:40Okay, yeah.
00:52:40I can make that work.
00:52:42Oh, looks like Clio just crossed the border.
00:52:45How do you know?
00:52:46Oh, same reason I knew where Luke was.
00:52:48Microchips.
00:52:49You see, your soccer mom conspiracy theorist thinks that the government tracks us through vaccines.
00:52:53Not true.
00:52:54In fact, not even the elders have that kind of tech.
00:52:56No, it's any time you go get your teeth cleaned or a cavity filled, the dentist injects you
00:53:00with microchips.
00:53:01So you're saying all dentists are actually undercover government agents?
00:53:04Contractors, yes.
00:53:05Think about it.
00:53:05I mean, have you ever met a dentist that doesn't seem like they're hiding some horrible secret?
00:53:09The answer is no.
00:53:11So, what's our plan for crossing, Badger?
00:53:13Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:53:18Now it's time for you to get a taste of your own bullshit.
00:53:21Go on, tell him, Allison, tell him that you're not really a badger or whatever the fuck.
00:53:25No, no, no, better yet.
00:53:26Why don't you say, I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:31Luke, I don't think you...
00:53:32No, no, no, just tell him the truth.
00:53:38I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:40Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:53:42What do you mean?
00:53:49I mean...
00:53:51The subterranean bobsled track that was big enough to smuggle cars to collapse last fall.
00:53:54We're gonna have to pass our cross by 11 using a basic diversion tactic.
00:53:57From 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., there are only two agents stopping us from getting across.
00:53:59From there, it's a straight shot to Highway 34.
00:54:01God damn it!
00:54:03So your subterranean bobsled track, that's like a Canadian version of an underground railroad...
00:54:08Shut up!
00:54:08Well, it would have been perfect, no matter.
00:54:10So, uh, what's your diversion plan?
00:54:12I'll leave that up to you, but it's gotta be big.
00:54:14Um, afterwards, meet up at these coordinates just north of the border.
00:54:17Copy that.
00:54:18Roger.
00:54:19Over and out.
00:54:20These days, it's hard to hold anyone's attention, so it's gotta make as little sense as possible.
00:54:24We need to make a few stops.
00:54:38Woo, well, that went smoothly.
00:54:41Okay, according to Clio's teeth, he's just off the main road by Big Mountain Crest.
00:54:45Aren't you gonna even ask me how I made it look like I sucked the blood out of that live
00:54:47chicken without actually having...
00:55:15What happened?
00:55:17What happened?
00:55:19Is that rhetorical, or can you actually not see?
00:55:22Both.
00:55:29Whoa.
00:55:32I can tell by Clio's teeth he's still alive.
00:55:35We just have to follow his tracks.
00:55:37And you can see here, he was dragged off by several people,
00:55:40or one person who was really good at breakdancing.
00:55:43We'll go with the former.
00:55:49You okay, bud?
00:55:50Oh, yeah, I'm totally cool, man.
00:55:53I know that look.
00:55:54You look like you're about to have a psychotic break.
00:55:57Right?
00:55:57Again, Danny?
00:55:58You've actually been right about a lot lately.
00:56:01But?
00:56:01No, there's no but, man.
00:56:03You're fucking Galileo.
00:56:04You're the boy with the wolf.
00:56:06In fact, I can't believe I'm about to say this after everything that you put me through, but I am
00:56:11sorry for ever doubting you.
00:56:13You clearly know more about how the world works than I do.
00:56:16I would give you a hug right now if I could, but, you know.
00:56:19Well, that's so sweet.
00:56:22I'm glad you finally came around.
00:56:24Yeah.
00:56:27Oh, I love you, man.
00:56:29I love you, too.
00:56:33Back off.
00:56:34Back off.
00:56:35I am B-Cop.
00:56:37I'm the only one who's cocked.
00:56:38No, no, no.
00:56:41That's better.
00:56:42Ow!
00:56:42What are you doing?
00:56:43Go out of there!
00:56:44Ow!
00:56:44Ow!
00:56:45Ow!
00:56:45Stop, stop!
00:56:47Ooh!
00:56:48Fuck!
00:56:49Stop!
00:56:50Oh, Jesus Christ!
00:56:51You look at me, you can't even see!
00:56:54You can't see any of this!
00:56:55Get the fucking glasses!
00:56:56What the fuck?
00:56:57Okay, enough!
00:56:58Fuck!
00:57:00Ah!
00:57:01Ow!
00:57:01Fuck, I did too much.
00:57:02Give me one more.
00:57:03Ah!
00:57:03Yeah, we're even.
00:57:04Okay.
00:57:05Ah!
00:57:06Ah!
00:57:08Hurry!
00:57:09Wait, what about our deal?
00:57:10I'm dealing with this!
00:57:11Hey, a deal is a deal.
00:57:12We signed the contract in Taco Gary's guacamole picante.
00:57:14I did my part.
00:57:15Hey, take your damn ticket.
00:57:19Wait up!
00:57:21Good luck.
00:57:24Got the golden ticket.
00:57:27I'm not mad, bro.
00:57:29I'm proud of you for taking the initiative.
00:57:30You don't need me anymore.
00:57:31Let me go.
00:57:32There's no point in leaving, Luke.
00:57:35I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:57:38There is no job in Ottawa.
00:57:40Nice try. Go fuck yourself.
00:57:42There's not.
00:57:42I made the whole thing up.
00:57:44It's not going to work.
00:57:46If you don't believe me, take the name of that new dinosaur,
00:57:50Snomastot, and spell it backwards.
00:57:53As if that's the stupidest thing I've ever...
00:58:02No.
00:58:04No.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:58:06It spells Todd Simmons, doesn't it?
00:58:09I'm sorry, brother, but the ends justify the beans, okay?
00:58:13This is for your own good.
00:58:17It was you?
00:58:19This whole time?
00:58:21The months of emails and the calls?
00:58:27The fucking femur bump?
00:58:29Yeah.
00:58:30It was a lot of work, but I knew it was the only way to safely get you to Ottawa.
00:58:37Why do you hate me so much?
00:58:38I don't hate you.
00:58:39I love you.
00:58:41And it doesn't change anything.
00:58:43Whether you like it or not, I'm the one that got you into this mess and I'm the only one
00:58:47who could get you out, so we have to stick together.
00:58:49All right, look, feel free to punch me.
00:58:51I deserve it.
00:58:51Come on, let me have it.
00:58:52I can't feel my face anyway.
00:59:10Come on, bro, I'm sorry.
00:59:11Just let me explain everything, all right?
00:59:20Clile, you dirty piece of shit.
00:59:23I know exactly what happened here.
00:59:25He's trying to give the prize back to the Coalition, but got taken instead.
00:59:29The backstabber becomes the backstab-stabby-got-stabbed-in-the-back-guy.
00:59:35If he only knew that money would be completely worthless in two weeks anyways.
00:59:42Who's that?
00:59:44It's...
00:59:44It's Jason Biggs.
00:59:45He's trying to...
00:59:47Never mind.
00:59:49Watch your knees.
00:59:50There we go.
00:59:50Here we go.
00:59:51Okay, do the rope.
00:59:52Rope up.
00:59:52Rope up.
00:59:53Uh, huh?
00:59:54Then...
00:59:54Yeah, there you go.
00:59:56Okay.
00:59:56Very hostage.
00:59:57Hey, hey, look at me.
00:59:58No, look at me.
00:59:59I'm not the bad guy, okay?
01:00:01I'm as much of a victim as you are.
01:00:03You think I want to be here?
01:00:04I don't want to be doing this.
01:00:05Neither do I.
01:00:06That's why I'm out of here.
01:00:08Sweep.
01:00:08Oh, shit.
01:00:09What is he doing?
01:00:10Sweep.
01:00:11I believe he's trying to kick us.
01:00:13Sweep.
01:00:13And that's why you never take martial arts lessons from Cash Israel.
01:00:17It's all leg sweeps.
01:00:18Sweep.
01:00:18Marco.
01:00:20Okay.
01:00:21Sweep.
01:00:21Man.
01:00:22Go over there.
01:00:23Marco.
01:00:25Okay, now go over there.
01:00:26Sweep.
01:00:27I'll get to you.
01:00:28How long do we let this start?
01:00:29Sweep.
01:00:30What...
01:00:31What is he doing?
01:00:31Axe kick.
01:00:33I need a break.
01:00:34Hey, hey.
01:00:35Let me...
01:00:35Hey, come.
01:00:37Okay.
01:00:38Let's lay down over there, man.
01:00:39Is there a rest area?
01:00:39Yeah, rest area.
01:00:40Just watch the knees.
01:00:41Watch the knees.
01:00:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:00:43I got you.
01:00:45Shit.
01:00:49Oh, God.
01:00:51Go check the minivan.
01:00:53Go check the minivan.
01:00:53It's gotta be in there somewhere.
01:00:54Yes!
01:00:54They don't have it yet.
01:00:55Hold my weight.
01:00:56Okay, I got it.
01:00:57Wait a minute.
01:00:57Remember when Clio was talking about a secret smuggling compartment under the minivan passenger
01:01:01seat?
01:01:01Holy shit.
01:01:03They killed him.
01:01:03Yes!
01:01:04It has to be there.
01:01:04Come on.
01:01:08Come on, bro.
01:01:09I got it.
01:01:10I got it.
01:01:10I got it.
01:01:12I got it.
01:01:12She stranded us here!
01:01:14I should've known better.
01:01:15It's like Todd Simmons always said.
01:01:17Danny!
01:01:17Hang on.
01:01:19Hang on.
01:01:21I think it's in here.
01:01:22I got it!
01:01:23I got it!
01:01:24I found it!
01:01:25I got it!
01:01:26I don't care!
01:01:27Well, you should care.
01:01:27This is probably the most important thing that you'll ever...
01:01:30Clack!
01:01:30Clack!
01:01:30Do shit!
01:01:35Sir!
01:01:36Can I have a hug?
01:01:38Sir, can I just do this?
01:01:39Can I just please have one hug?
01:01:44Sorry, man.
01:01:46Whoa.
01:01:48Let's do this.
01:01:49How many times did you trank me again?
01:01:50I don't know.
01:01:51Like five?
01:01:51I need a bump of coke.
01:01:55Oh, dear.
01:01:56You're gonna be kidding me!
01:02:03Come on.
01:02:09Go.
01:02:15Fuck it!
01:02:18Ahhh!
01:02:20Whoa!
01:02:20Sorry.
01:02:21Okay.
01:02:23Fuck.
01:02:24No.
01:02:24Shit.
01:02:25Oh, god.
01:02:27Ugh.
01:02:27Too many fucking pedals!
01:02:29Yeah.
01:02:30I'm kidding.
01:02:30Ah!
01:02:31This is work!
01:02:32Fuck!
01:02:38No, leave me alone!
01:02:46Hang on, Dave!
01:03:05No!
01:03:17Oh my God.
01:03:18Welcome back to Taco Gary's.
01:03:21Check your weapons in with me, sir.
01:03:28Okay.
01:03:29There's always nothing about the fiesta at Taco Gary's, so eat up, Mr. Snow, tomorrow.
01:03:35Okay, buddy. Wakey, wakey.
01:03:42It's okay, it's okay. You're safe now.
01:03:44What happened? Where are we? Are we in the shuttle?
01:03:46No, we're at Taco Gary's. You passed out.
01:03:48Really?
01:03:48Yeah, that doesn't sound like me.
01:03:50I must have been trying to teach you a valuable life lesson or something.
01:03:53Hey, guys. I gotta say, this has been a blast.
01:03:56Really? All the chasing and the shooting.
01:03:59Wow. How fun.
01:04:01Okay, it has had its moments.
01:04:03Come on, right? We've been having a great time.
01:04:05What was your favorite? Like the...
01:04:07Marco Polo was funny. That was really funny.
01:04:09Watching him run around, he was like...
01:04:11He thought there were like six of you.
01:04:12It was great. Anyway, please hand it over.
01:04:15Oh, you want it?
01:04:17Okay, listen.
01:04:18This motherfucker.
01:04:19We are aware...
01:04:21We are aware of the Taco Gary's truce,
01:04:23but you're going to have to leave eventually if you want to catch that shuttle.
01:04:26Oh, really? So you could kill us, too?
01:04:28If you just hand over the ticket, we will let bygones be bygones.
01:04:32You blew my best friend's head off.
01:04:35He said you were just associates.
01:04:36No, we were best...
01:04:39Actually, you know what? I never really liked the guy.
01:04:41Hey, guys. Look me in the eyeball. Right here. Okay?
01:04:44Last chance to save our skins.
01:04:45Please just fucking hand it over.
01:04:47Yeah, just give it back to him, baby.
01:04:48No.
01:04:49Fuck you, Jason Biggs, and your Portuguese Popeye.
01:04:52Super rude.
01:04:52People need to know about this.
01:04:53Why? So they can pretend to know what's best for humanity?
01:04:56Please.
01:04:58Leave that to us celebrities.
01:05:00Yeah, and celebrity-adjacent people.
01:05:01No.
01:05:02You talked about this to me.
01:05:03Just celebrities.
01:05:04Sorry, I did it again.
01:05:05That is enough.
01:05:07Oh, my goodness.
01:05:11What's this now?
01:05:12It's a pinniss-eyed elder.
01:05:13What?
01:05:13A fucking alien, dude.
01:05:27You two.
01:05:28Stand up.
01:05:29Your Majesty, these are the ones that have...
01:05:31Silence, unless you would like to ejaculate guacamole picante.
01:05:35What?
01:05:36I can make any human secrete guacamole picante from any orifice.
01:05:40Behold.
01:05:42Oh.
01:05:45Oh.
01:05:46Oh.
01:05:48See?
01:05:49What do you want, you conquistador?
01:05:53Clever.
01:05:55Follow me.
01:05:56Daniel.
01:05:57Lucas.
01:05:59We travel by Silver Sonic.
01:06:02No one would suspect the master race of the galaxy to drive a spacious yet affordable compact sedan.
01:06:08A great cover with a great turning radius.
01:06:10Just get to the point.
01:06:11Ah, yes.
01:06:12I have been following you two for some time now.
01:06:14V-P.
01:06:15You want to expose us.
01:06:17Hell yeah, we do.
01:06:18This can't be.
01:06:19How?
01:06:20Why is...
01:06:21A galactic super race interested in Earth?
01:06:23I will soon show you.
01:06:25Trust me, Luke.
01:06:25You don't want to know.
01:06:26No, no, no.
01:06:27He should know the whole truth.
01:06:29We are here for the same reason why your people invade, well, anywhere, oil.
01:06:35For fuck's sakes.
01:06:37Yes, it is true.
01:06:38Every planet in the galaxy runs on oil.
01:06:41Told you, Luke.
01:06:42It's fucking bonkers.
01:06:43We are currently collecting the last of your earthly reserves.
01:06:46Once our extraction is complete, we plan on exterminating all life on this planet.
01:06:51Why?
01:06:53Dead organic material mixes with other sediment when buried.
01:06:56Over millions of years, under high pressure and high temperature, the remains of these
01:07:01organisms transform into what we know as fossil fuels.
01:07:05By exterminating all life, we are simply creating a new oil reserve to be harvested in 16 million
01:07:11years, which to an elder is not long at all.
01:07:14Well, we did the same process with the organisms you call dinosaurs.
01:07:19You killed the dinosaurs?
01:07:20Literally my one and only interest?
01:07:23I told you you weren't ready.
01:07:24No, no, no, no.
01:07:25This doesn't make any sense because if you can fly through space and live for millions of
01:07:29years, then why don't you just synthesize your own fucking oil?
01:07:31Well, it is very political.
01:07:34Too many jobs would be lost by transitioning to greener hypercoils.
01:07:38Fucking unions.
01:07:39However, we are not barbarian invaders.
01:07:42Therefore, we have made a deal with your chieftains.
01:07:45In exchange for the oil and destruction of all life, we have allowed for passage to a brand
01:07:50new planet development in the Midwestern Milky Way.
01:07:54I think I'm going to throw up.
01:07:58Was it something I said?
01:08:00Uh, yeah.
01:08:01It's everything you said.
01:08:03Listen, human.
01:08:05We elders are not without our empathy.
01:08:07I feel your plight and your anguish.
01:08:13Cool.
01:08:14You'll be glad to know that I will be asking our board of directors for a 100-year delay
01:08:18in humanity's destruction.
01:08:20100 years?
01:08:21Yes.
01:08:22All you must do is continue to keep our existence a secret.
01:08:27Why?
01:08:28I wasn't sworn to anything.
01:08:29I'm not part of the coalition.
01:08:30You are now.
01:08:47I will transfer the $27.7 million into your bank account immediately.
01:08:53Was that all?
01:08:54You're forgetting one thing.
01:08:56Ah, yes.
01:08:57I will also free the squid people underneath Santa Fe, New Mexico.
01:09:01Great.
01:09:02I got to hand it to you.
01:09:03I was not expecting this from a smug alien fuck like yourself, but you got yourself a deal.
01:09:09Fantastic.
01:09:10Now we seal the agreement with a simple genital cupping.
01:09:13Of course we do.
01:09:14Fucking weirdos.
01:09:17They're a little higher.
01:09:19Oh, Jesus.
01:09:23Come now.
01:09:31Ow.
01:09:33Oh, dear luck.
01:09:36There.
01:09:37Happy now?
01:09:38We got all the proof that you need, and then we can just return the whatever the fuck to
01:09:41Jason and...
01:09:42What the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
01:09:44We were just about to...
01:09:45Actually, you know what?
01:09:47Fuck it.
01:09:47It's better this way.
01:09:47Come on.
01:09:48Let's go.
01:09:48What about the alien?
01:09:51Oh, yeah.
01:09:54I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:09:56God damn it.
01:09:57The plan was never to reveal them to the world or blow any whistles, okay?
01:10:01Then why are you doing all of this?
01:10:03What is the point?
01:10:04Why did I just assault a freaking alien?
01:10:07I didn't tell you to do that.
01:10:09Look, whatever.
01:10:09The world's about to end, and the shuttle's leaving today, so forget this thing, and it's
01:10:12a two-headed dick.
01:10:13Come on.
01:10:26Please, answer the question.
01:10:27Why are you trying to fuck me over so hard?
01:10:29Why am I here?
01:10:30I told you, the shuttle is here.
01:10:32What shuttle?
01:10:35Bingo!
01:10:37Bingo bongo.
01:10:38Oh, it's an ID.
01:10:39Confirmed.
01:10:40Welcome.
01:10:41The entrance to the spaceport is around here somewhere.
01:10:43I'm 99.7% sure this is where the elders first made contact.
01:10:46This is where they had their first Taco Gary's Taco.
01:10:48It has to be here.
01:10:49It could look like anything.
01:10:50It could be tiny.
01:10:51It could be invisible.
01:10:51It definitely won't look like a door.
01:10:53Oh, wow.
01:11:20Is this it?
01:11:26Yes! Yes! Good eye! Yes! Come on.
01:11:38Demi, Demi, Demi.
01:11:43Don't go!
01:11:53Hmm?
01:12:00Welcome to the Taco Gary's Interstellar Spaceport.
01:12:04Located in beautiful...
01:12:06...on along, the birthplace of the Bingo Ball.
01:12:10Don't forget to ask your flight attendant about Taco Gary's.
01:12:14They are so dear, with our famous sloppy sauce.
01:12:17It's always fun to be the best at Taco Gary's.
01:12:21So eat up, like there's no tomorrow.
01:12:25Luke, I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:12:29Yeah, I know that.
01:12:30No, but you don't know why.
01:12:32The reason I haven't been completely honest with you until this exact moment is because you never believe it all
01:12:36at once.
01:12:38It's fair.
01:12:39When I found out that we only had a couple weeks left, I knew I had to get you on
01:12:42the last shuttle out of here.
01:12:43And I know, I've done nothing but lie to you.
01:12:46But if there was ever a time for you to trust me, it's right now.
01:12:51So you're gonna take this ticket, and you're gonna get on that shuttle.
01:12:55You know why?
01:12:57Because your life depends on it.
01:13:00Take it.
01:13:01But it's my ticket.
01:13:02It was meant for me.
01:13:04You are not seeming to grasp the complaint here.
01:13:07Present it and you may board.
01:13:08It was stolen!
01:13:09Oh, that's too bad.
01:13:10Possession may be nine tenths of the law for humans.
01:13:12It is 100% for elders.
01:13:14We do not have laws against stealing.
01:13:16What?
01:13:17Why not?
01:13:17Because we do not steal.
01:13:18Da.
01:13:19Ha.
01:13:19Every elder has what he slash she slash me boarder needs.
01:13:22And it's portable gasoline.
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:25What?
01:13:26To the excess what?
01:13:27I missed the what?
01:13:27Look, this isn't fair, okay?
01:13:29I faked my own death already!
01:13:30I'm sorry.
01:13:31But no ticket.
01:13:32No boarding.
01:13:33Jason, look!
01:13:36Go!
01:13:37Go!
01:13:37Go!
01:13:40Next.
01:13:40Attention all passengers.
01:13:42The shuttle will be boarding in seven minutes.
01:13:44But what about you?
01:13:45Don't worry about me.
01:13:46You've done enough of that in your life.
01:13:47Okay?
01:13:48This is me returning the favor.
01:13:49No, no.
01:13:50Because if all that were true, then why me, man?
01:13:54And why not like a doctor or even a competent swimmer?
01:13:58Because you offer something that most of these self-entitled important people here don't.
01:14:03You are a good person.
01:14:06You care about your neighbors, your family.
01:14:08You make people feel good about themselves.
01:14:11Yeah, sure.
01:14:11The new world will need innovators and goal-driven risk-takers to keep humanity moving forward.
01:14:17But kind, delicate, good neighbors like yourself are the foundation.
01:14:22So knowing that there'll be good people like you on Earth 2.0 gives me hope.
01:14:26And that's more than enough for me.
01:14:31This is absolutely insane.
01:14:32I know it is.
01:14:34It's fucking insane.
01:14:35But I need you to embrace the chaos.
01:14:37I need you to accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
01:14:40Look, I'm asking you.
01:14:42Do you trust me?
01:14:50I can't believe I'm about to say this, but...
01:14:54Yeah.
01:14:55Thanks, man.
01:14:56Cough, cough.
01:14:58I can't believe my good luck.
01:15:00Makes me wonder why I didn't just wait for you guys here.
01:15:02But alas, can't change the past.
01:15:05Anyway, this is the part of the story.
01:15:07Hello?
01:15:07What?
01:15:08You're doing it again, man.
01:15:09Doing what again?
01:15:10The fucking monologue we talked about.
01:15:12Sorry.
01:15:12Yeah, please just shoot them.
01:15:13Much simpler.
01:15:14No more monologues.
01:15:15Thank you very much.
01:15:20Tiago?
01:15:20Yep, that was on me.
01:15:21So sorry.
01:15:22What the fuck, man?
01:15:30What the fuck, man?
01:15:43What do we do now?
01:15:55You see, we are covering the only exit.
01:15:59But tell you what.
01:16:00You come on out and there will be no more bloodshed.
01:16:05Now that is a Portuguese promise.
01:16:11I knew it would end one day in an office.
01:16:13What?
01:16:14Nothing.
01:16:14I have a plan.
01:16:16When I give you the signal, you run back to the space door.
01:16:19Got it?
01:16:20What about you?
01:16:20Didn't I tell you to stop worrying about me?
01:16:26What the fuck?
01:16:33Bingo, bongo, get your tickets to outer space, hear?
01:16:37Hey.
01:16:40Hey, assholes.
01:16:41I have your prize.
01:16:42Come and get it.
01:16:43Jesus.
01:16:44What the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
01:16:46Come and get it, you mango-eating motherfuckers.
01:16:50Hey, Luke.
01:16:51This is the signal.
01:16:52Go, go, go.
01:16:53Luke, go run.
01:16:56Well, well, well.
01:16:58Seems to me.
01:16:59Brother, please, not another fucking monologue.
01:17:01Please.
01:17:01You're right.
01:17:02Let me just do it.
01:17:03Go ahead.
01:17:03Thank you so much.
01:17:04Run, Luke!
01:17:09So many ears got a face that's old.
01:17:13Saw the world unfold.
01:17:17And the truth be told.
01:17:19In a steadfast love.
01:17:22In a steadfast love.
01:17:38Oh, my god, I feel so sad.
01:17:40They look great.
01:17:41They look so good.
01:17:42Yeah, they look really good, right?
01:17:45Is this empty?
01:17:46Son of a fuck.
01:17:47It's empty!
01:17:48That motherfucker's right there!
01:17:49Son of a-
01:17:51Come on!
01:18:19The boarding pass, please.
01:18:23I know what you're thinking.
01:18:24Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me already?
01:18:26Doesn't even matter, as the world will end in two weeks.
01:18:28But this isn't easy for us.
01:18:30Jesus Christ, man, can you literally not help yourself with the monologue shit?
01:18:34Sorry, what do you mean the world's gonna end in two weeks?
01:18:37Oh, come on.
01:18:38I told you this is the last shuttle.
01:18:40I thought you figured it out already.
01:18:42No, I didn't figure it out.
01:18:43Wait, are the elders destroying the Earth?
01:18:45No, no, no, not at all.
01:18:46Oh, thank goodness.
01:18:47Just all life on Earth.
01:18:48What?
01:18:48Why didn't you just tell me the truth, man?
01:18:50No one wants to believe the truth anymore.
01:18:52You said I wouldn't inherit your fortune.
01:18:54You still do.
01:18:55And I have like two weeks to spend it?
01:18:56Twelve days, technically.
01:18:57Oh!
01:18:58You lie.
01:18:59Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:19:00Thiago, what are you doing, buddy?
01:19:03Come on, it's me, Jason.
01:19:05So I wasn't completely honest with you, but it was for your own good, buddy.
01:19:09I wanted your last precious moments to be lived in blissful ignorance.
01:19:13Again, I am the good guy here.
01:19:16Actually, no, Jason.
01:19:17You are not the good guy.
01:19:18You are the bad guy.
01:19:20You have always been the bad guy.
01:19:23You take that back.
01:19:25I am the hero.
01:19:28Leonardo, come on, help me out here.
01:19:32This is why you should never trust the Portuguese.
01:19:34What did you say?
01:19:34What was it?
01:19:35You said something about the Portuguese?
01:19:35No, nothing.
01:19:36No, fuck you, man.
01:19:37You know how it changed for you?
01:19:39And fuck this eye patch.
01:19:40You know he told me to wear it because it would make me more intimidating?
01:19:43Well, guess what?
01:19:43It doesn't.
01:19:44This gun does.
01:19:45New plan.
01:19:46I'm taking the fucking ticket.
01:19:50The hell?
01:19:52What is that supposed to be?
01:19:54Is that supposed to be, uh...
01:19:56Uh, give me a sec.
01:19:57I can't take my eyes off and look at it.
01:19:59Give me a second.
01:20:00Give me a sec.
01:20:01But what's the significance of the boobs, though?
01:20:03It's super hypnotic, but it makes no sense, though.
01:20:06Wait a minute.
01:20:07Wait a minute.
01:20:08It's not supposed to make any sense.
01:20:11Because it's a ruse.
01:20:16Fart Muffin!
01:20:21He's shot there!
01:20:22I know.
01:20:23Just keep running.
01:20:25This is the final boarding call from the last shuttle to New Earth.
01:20:28The doors will be closing momentarily.
01:20:30If you do not wish to be incinerated and repurposed as fossil fuel,
01:20:33please proceed to a gate immediately.
01:20:40Okay.
01:20:41I got it.
01:20:42I got it.
01:20:44I got it.
01:20:54Excuse me, sirs, but murder is not allowed in a Taco Gary's.
01:20:59And this port is technically on Taco Gary's property.
01:21:02So you know the penalty.
01:21:04You see why I kept you in the dark?
01:21:05I see it now.
01:21:07I'm sorry.
01:21:08Oh!
01:21:08Oh, wow!
01:21:10This is all your fault?
01:21:11I know!
01:21:12I'm sorry!
01:21:13Oh!
01:21:15What's that smell?
01:21:16I don't know, dude.
01:21:17Mangoes?
01:21:18Oh, yes!
01:21:19Mangoes!
01:21:22Oh, dear.
01:21:25Welcome aboard.
01:21:30Oh, dear.
01:21:32Oh, dear.
01:21:46Welcome aboard.
01:22:03Look, Luke.
01:22:04This is gonna be hard to hear, but...
01:22:07It's what Dan expected to happen all along.
01:22:09He never planned on leaving, but he didn't want you to be alone.
01:22:14I still don't get it.
01:22:15Embrace it.
01:22:16Look, this is the norm, Luke.
01:22:18The world is always ending.
01:22:20Things never make total sense, and sometimes our only option is to just go with the flow.
01:22:24It's the one thing we can control.
01:22:28Do you know who said that?
01:22:30Yeah.
01:22:33Do you know who said that?
01:22:42It's hard, Simmons.
01:22:50And now you get it.
01:23:05Yeah.
01:23:08Yeah.
01:23:16Yeah.
01:23:17Yeah.
01:23:25Yeah.
01:23:27Yeah.
01:23:31Yeah.
01:23:33Yeah.
01:23:35Yeah.
01:23:55Yeah.
01:24:25Transcription by CastingWords
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