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00:25I'm Jeremy Corbett, welcome to the show where each week we do the unthinkable.
00:28We get six comedians to pay attention to the news and yet somehow, by the end of it, none of
00:32them are any smarter.
00:34It's a medical marvel. This is seven days. Let's meet the team, shall we?
00:37And yes, if you look closely, you will see the leader of Team One is just both of the top
00:40twins in a trench coat.
00:42Please welcome, by the stage, Melanie Bracewell.
00:47Welcome back now.
00:48Oh, it's so good to be back. The new set is half TV show, half gender reveal.
00:53I'm so excited to be here.
00:55We've got an amazing team. I've got Roscoe McClelland and Justine Smith.
01:01Great staff and leading team two is the love child of Jonah Lomu and Sideshow Bob.
01:05It's Josh Thompson.
01:08Thank you very much.
01:09You're welcome.
01:10Yes, we've got a very exciting team for you. Can't wait to introduce them.
01:12It's what Elon Musk does on a boys weekend, poaching with a chopper.
01:16It's both he poaching and chopper A.
01:20We kick things off tonight with a little game I like to call Newsmakers because that's its name.
01:25In this game, I will give you an answer related to a news story from the week.
01:28Your job is to give me the matching question and then figure out the story from there.
01:31And Team One, you can start.
01:33Your answer is worried and anxious.
01:37Is it how I feel about booking plane tickets home via Dubai just because it was cheap?
01:44How did Corbett feel when he control-F'd his own name in the Epstein file?
01:53There are lots of Corbett's out there. Could have been anyone.
01:56Fair enough, yeah.
01:56Could have been anyone.
01:58Is it what has replaced happy in the popular children's song?
02:02If you're worried and you're anxious, clap your hands.
02:05Yes, I am.
02:06Is it how I feel about nodding and politely smiling at all the local references in this show that I
02:13will not understand?
02:17Any idea what the story might be?
02:19Well, the biggest story has got to be that new maybe COVID thingy.
02:23Oh, there's a cruise ship that's riddled with some sort of virus and they're calling it the most virus riddled
02:31cruise ship since the cruise ship before this one.
02:36Yeah, I'll give you that.
02:37What has an outbreak of Hunter virus got people worried and anxious?
02:41It's on the cruise ship.
02:42It's got them worried and anxious.
02:43It could be the next COVID-19, of course.
02:45There is one Kiwi on board the ship and they are expected to be the last one evacuated.
02:50The Kiwi was actually going to be the first off the cruise ship, but they got stuck holding the door
02:54open for everyone else.
02:57The start and then everyone's just...
02:58And that Kiwi's so angry, he's only going to give the cruise ship a four and a half star rating.
03:03They're still yelling, thank you, driver!
03:07Hantavirus doesn't sound like a good time, but it also sounds a lot better than Santa virus.
03:12Which is where you get a giant swollen red sack.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:22And you only cum once a year.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:29There was a similar virus at my high school where she affected quite a lot of sort of paler, sort
03:34of redhead kids.
03:35That was the Fanta virus.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:37Shut up, mate!
03:40Yeah, come on.
03:42You're not really a redhead, you're a redbeard, but not a redhead.
03:45Yeah, well...
03:45Are you talking to...? Oh.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48LAUGHTER
03:50My sister and all my cousins on my dad's side are all very ginger-haired.
03:55And I thought, I've got away with this one.
03:58And then when puberty hit, I went, they got me in a technicality.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04LAUGHTER
04:05Well, here's the thing, you know, like, I don't know how lockdown went here,
04:08but for me, it was the best time of my life, so I would...
04:12I'll go through it again, you know?
04:14Like, me and my wife, we levelled up our lives during the original lockdown.
04:17We moved from this, like, mouldy, horrible flat into a quite nice house, you know?
04:21I mean, sadly, Covid took my gran, but we got the house, so...
04:28Because, yeah, the World Health Organisation is saying
04:31this is not going to be a Covid-19 situation, not a pandemic,
04:33and I think a few people are disappointed, aren't they?
04:35Yeah. We enjoyed a bit of me time.
04:38And the crowds totally agree with you, Ben.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42It was, wasn't it great when we all had a pool and we...
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46You know, Covid lockdowns, getting piggybacks around the house
04:49from your butler, that...
04:51LAUGHTER
04:53Human chess with the staff, oh!
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57Only one of those jokes is true.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:00And I appreciate the job.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:06I was saying, it's crazy, everyone's like,
05:07oh, what are we going to do with this boat full of sick people?
05:10Sink it!
05:12LAUGHTER
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Team Two, are you ready for an answer?
05:18Yes.
05:18I've got one prepared for you, here we go.
05:20100 young men in balaclavas.
05:22Who lives with me under Corby's house?
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26What's a very unhelpful police line-up?
05:29LAUGHTER
05:31Nice boy. Tom, any idea?
05:33The story is...
05:35Um...
05:35It's a tough one.
05:36Yeah, I do like to keep across
05:38young men in balaclava news,
05:40but I, um...
05:42There...
05:43It's a...
05:43There was a...
05:44And I'm...
05:45I spend a lot of time in West Auckland,
05:47um, getting things from my house.
05:50Um, but, uh...
05:51Sorry, should we have picked a team captain
05:53that conformed sent in?
05:54LAUGHTER
05:56Not necessary.
05:57Yeah, there was a...
05:58Something happened...
05:59A thing happened in West Auckland.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02Something...
06:03Something happened in the news
06:04with 100 young men in balaclavas.
06:06That's why we're here.
06:07Yes, I know.
06:08That's what I'm trying to do now.
06:10You're never going to get it.
06:11No, no, no, no, no, no!
06:11I know!
06:12I don't know!
06:13No, um, there's, like,
06:15dudes who like to ride around on bikes
06:18wearing balaclavas.
06:20Close enough.
06:21Yep.
06:21Um, the question is
06:23who caused a ruckus in West Auckland
06:25when they went for a bike ride?
06:26100 young men in balaclavas.
06:28Quite intimidating.
06:28It was organised on Facebook.
06:30It attracted police attention.
06:31It led to 53 infringement notices,
06:34one arrest,
06:34and the impounding of one vehicle.
06:37Good on you, police, yeah,
06:38cos saying impounded a vehicle
06:40sounds better than
06:40I put the bike in the boot of the cop car.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:43I'm actually...
06:45Talking about children and bicycle safety
06:48is a bit...
06:49..a bit raw for me at the moment
06:50cos I hit someone with...
06:52..a cyclist with my car the other day.
06:54Um, I mean,
06:56I had to go through two fences
06:57and a daycare centre to get involved.
06:59LAUGHTER
06:59I got him!
07:02I got him.
07:02That's what I love about an EV.
07:04Silent.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:07LAUGHTER
07:09LAUGHTER
07:12I heard one guy got arrested?
07:14Like, they arrested one of them.
07:15Can you imagine that guy being in jail
07:17and they're like,
07:18what are you in for?
07:19Huh?
07:19Are you in a gang?
07:20Huh?
07:21Well, it's more of a WhatsApp group, you know?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24I would just like to say,
07:25as a visitor to this country,
07:27from Glasgow, Scotland,
07:29a city...
07:30..a city synonymous
07:31for using our head as a weapon,
07:34um...
07:35..religious football violence.
07:37We are the knife crime capital of the world.
07:40We are the European drug-death capital.
07:42It's great to come here
07:43and find out that your big problem is...
07:46..boys on bikes.
07:48LAUGHTER
07:50I mean, I've got to say,
07:51at least these dudes are all just riding around
07:54in shorts and a T-shirt,
07:55unlike those douchebags in lycra
07:57who are all like,
07:58oh, look at me, I'm dressed for the Olympics.
08:00No, you look like a potato in Gladrat.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04And then they take over cafes on the weekend,
08:06they're all like, oh, look at me, I'm cycling...
08:08You're like, bloody hell, I'm trying to eat my breakfast,
08:10I'm looking at some guy's dick through half a million families.
08:13All right, that's Newsmakers.
08:15For points, Team 1, you can have 7,000.
08:16That's the number of spots on the Milford Track
08:18that sold out in 30 minutes this week
08:20when bookings opened for New Zealand's Great Walks.
08:23Team 2, you can have two goals scored
08:25by Wellington Phoenix Women
08:26against the Brisbane Raw last weekend
08:27to reach their first-ever A-League Grand Final.
08:30Congrats to them,
08:31congrats to our first star winner, Team 1!
08:33CHEERING
08:35Come on, you, Team 1.
08:37As you may well know, at the end of the episode,
08:39so the team with the most stars
08:40will walk away with a prize
08:41that is both worthless and priceless.
08:43Woo!
08:44And here it is, yes.
08:45That is the very first Hantavirus vaccine.
08:48Straight from the laboratory I set up in my garage.
08:50It's made of COVID vaccine,
08:53public pool water and free microchips.
08:55Wow.
08:55The winning team will get a dose each,
08:57and if you're scared of needles, don't worry,
08:59I've developed an alternative delivery method...
09:02Oh, my God!
09:03..that I will apply to you
09:04at the end of the show for the winning team.
09:07Might be the first time on seven days
09:09both teams are trying to lose.
09:11Let's move on.
09:12It's time for a fan favourite.
09:13It's Slice of Seven,
09:14where some of the best musicians New Zealand
09:15has ever produced ruin their songs
09:17with lyrics we've made up for them.
09:19Joining us tonight,
09:20he's dominated the singles charts,
09:21nominated for five Aotearoa Music Awards.
09:24Please give it up for Te Wehi.
09:26CHEERING
09:29Team 1, are you ready for Te Wehi
09:31to sing you a new song?
09:33We're so...
09:33All right, in your own time.
09:37Spaghetti Grandma
09:40Roaming round the streets
09:44With their pockets full of knocking
09:51Making meatballs
09:53Digging up the weed
09:58Chipping teeth on biscotti
10:03Now, everyone is going fettuccine
10:07Now, don't be old, she makes her own
10:11Lemon chattel instead of dry martinis
10:14Living longer than the garden knows
10:17Well known as growth strong
10:24Her skin's parmesan
10:31Hey, little Gen Z
10:33You will not die
10:36If you live like a grandma
10:49I heard something about a nona, there's been that thing about living well and doing it.
10:55Have you heard that?
10:56No, I haven't been living well at all.
10:58OK.
10:59I reckon it's this thing where people want to live well,
11:03because we're all stressing out and we're all feeling like shit.
11:05And old Italian grandmas have got it nailed.
11:08So it's about living like they do or something?
11:11Yeah, well done, Jazzy.
11:11It's the latest lifestyle craze sweeping the globe.
11:14Nonamaxing.
11:15Where people live like an Italian grandmother, hoping it'll give them a longer and happier life.
11:19Key parts of nonamaxing are growing and cooking your own vegetables,
11:23taking life at a slower pace,
11:25and keeping quiet about your role in Mussolini's Italy.
11:30It's nonamaxing if you want to give it a go.
11:31Good for you.
11:33I mean, if this is about drinking a lot of wine,
11:36eating pasta and taking a lot of naps,
11:38f*** me doing that for years.
11:41We call it jazzy maxing.
11:43That's right.
11:44When I first heard about this,
11:46I thought it was about avoiding large format cinemas,
11:48but then I found out that was non-imaxing.
11:52I do think that Italy gets such an easy time
11:56with their historical crimes due to how good their cuisine is.
12:00I really do.
12:01And it just makes me wonder,
12:02how good of a sausage would Germany have to make for us to make?
12:08I actually, um...
12:10I don't mind nonamaxing, but I love babushka-maxing.
12:13Oh, wow.
12:14Which is, to do that,
12:15you need a series of Russian grandmas in decreasing order of size.
12:20And then you need some butter and a shoehorn.
12:22LAUGHTER
12:27All right, Tewi and Simi, are you going to play another song?
12:29Are you ready, team two?
12:30Yes.
12:31OK, all yours.
12:31Take it away.
12:33Yes.
12:36The snapper that he preferred
12:42Was shaken and not stirred
12:44Oh, he's bombed
12:47Oh, James Bond
12:52Oh, James Bond
12:54Oh, James Bond
12:56Super flash celebrity
13:01Visits Manga Nui
13:04Big shop
13:07Oh, and the chip shop
13:13It's golden high
13:23Like golden fries
13:34Wow
13:36So good
13:38So awesome
13:39Beautiful stuff, fellas.
13:40I am still quite hungry from both your songs.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:45I've heard a lot of chip shop stuff.
13:47I heard James Bond.
13:48Yeah.
13:49I actually am across Fish and Chip News.
13:51I read the paper it comes on.
13:54Oh, yeah, Fish and Chip's first.
13:55That's right, that's right.
13:57And Pierce Brosnan is in New Zealand.
13:58James Bond is the talker Northland actor.
14:00Pierce Brosnan is in New Zealand filming the second Minecraft movie.
14:03His exploits have been documented well across social media.
14:07Brosnan was papped at a knife-making workshop
14:09and while collecting an order from the Manganui Fish and Chip shop.
14:12He could be watching, you know.
14:14Pierce Brosnan could be watching.
14:15And if you are watching, Mr Bond, we'd love to have you on the show.
14:19I'm something of an alcoholic womaniser myself.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:24Do you think the staff noticed him?
14:26Or do you think he was trying to get noticed?
14:28Order number seven.
14:30Don't you mean 007?
14:32LAUGHTER
14:33Oh, no, just seven.
14:34The zeros are redundant.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:38It would take longer for me to get you your order.
14:41Also, here's your milkshake.
14:43It's not called a milk stir, so we can't do it the way you wanted.
14:47LAUGHTER
14:48Imagine if he was like that, doing the whole bond the whole time.
14:51Oh, man, if I was Pierce Brosnan in a fish and chip shop...
14:54Yep.
14:54I'd be flashing that smile, getting a few extra potato fritters in the fish for free!
14:59I hate to fully unpack the logic of your previous joke,
15:03but you said that you can't give it a milk stir.
15:07We have to give it to a different way.
15:10But that would imply that James Bond says,
15:12I'd like it stirred, not shaken.
15:14No, what...
15:16LAUGHTER
15:17Yes, Mel.
15:19Yes, Melody.
15:20I'm sorry to embarrass you, Mel.
15:21I don't want to embarrass you in front of the entire nation.
15:23OK.
15:24But what I actually said, although a little bit garbled,
15:26was that, um, here's your milkshake stir.
15:29I can't give it the way you wanted to...
15:30Shake it to do it!
15:30Don't know if you mess it up twice.
15:32Oh, do I?
15:32Yeah, yeah.
15:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
15:38no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:41No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:42No, no, no, no.
15:43I said, I said, here's your milkshake stir.
15:45That's not what you...
15:45LAUGHTER
15:46Don't know it!
15:48Here's your...
15:50Here's your milkshake stir.
15:51We can't give it to you the way you ordered.
15:53It's not called a milkshake stir.
15:54So you're just...
15:54No!
15:55No!
15:56Exactly.
15:57Look at the tape!
15:57He says I want it.
15:58Shake it, not stir.
15:59You gave him what he wanted.
16:01Your milkshake is exactly what he wanted.
16:03OK, we can find it.
16:05No!
16:07OK, delete it, delete it.
16:09Delete it, don't show piano.
16:14this remember not to cry over stirred milk
16:22very good uh for scores team one you can have 28 that is the years since westlife formed and
16:27they're celebrating with the tour of new zealand next july uh good on your westlife team two uh
16:31you can have the age of pierce brosnan famous fish and chip shop knife maker 272 uh team two gets
16:39a
16:39star well done and a huge thank you to our slice of seven artist a debut album i'm home came
16:47out this
16:47month uh number two in the charts i believe well done congratulations uh nationwide tour is coming
16:52in june tickets available from live nation give it up one more time for tewee
17:02all righty team one focus time now for the burger fuel brain grill we turn back the hands of time
17:07this week we're going back two decades on the dot to 2006. uh team one i'm going to show you
17:13a video
17:13you have to tell me what is going on here it is
17:29that woman was left stirred not shaking
17:37very good that was of course rodney hyde dropping his dance partner crystal on dancing with the stars
17:42and amazing to think that's not even close to the worst thing a leader of the act party has done
17:46on
17:46dancing with the stars time for a break now go wrap a towel around yourself though get changed in the
17:52car because we'll be back shortly with club topicana on seven days see you soon
18:10and now we're going to head to the beach like those whales like to do when they have those beach
18:14parties
18:14it's club topicana play the steel drums
18:26club topicana is brought to you by dull pineapples pineapples without them pineapple lumps would just be
18:31called lumps inside this juicy hedgehog lies a collection of news stories that will fire up your
18:37taste buds and your imaginations all right comedians let's see what we have in here first story police
18:42are concerned that over half of their workforce is over the age of 50 and heading for retirement
18:47i say don't be a quitter stay on and serve i'd like to see scenes please from the geriatric police
18:55all right put your hands up you're under arrest for i forgot what you're under arrest for
19:02you seem like a nice young man why are your hands up
19:15okay you know the drill just blow into the bag please oh that's my colostomy bag sorry
19:27okay we're just going to run your plates
19:30oh could you actually help me it's locked me out of my um
19:39yeah and you go there that's your cell let me get your handcuffs
19:47no hang on hang on but don't help me carol it makes me mad
19:59you've been convicted of the crime of not listening to my stories
20:04your punishment is now i'm going to list everything that's more expensive than it
20:09was when i was
20:15yes you were doing 110 kilometers there yeah you're coming down the hell all the wrong way
20:20that's why that's why i'd usually come down state highway three yeah you go back around
20:24the kymize you don't have to worry about coming down glenn and gully i actually put glenn and gully
20:27there in back in 1973 yeah we used to collect rose hips on the hill there you could give old
20:33man ham honk a bag of rose hips and he'd give you a threepence on a cube of sugar
20:42dad we should we should probably get going dad ah yeah sorry who are these guys
20:48so sorry all right next story oh uh okay yeah dua lipa is suing samsung for 15 million dollars
20:57after they used her picture on the side of their boxes for their tvs without her permission
21:03i don't know why she would sell tvs but there you go get ready to add
21:06hashtag paid partnership show me some other unlikely celebrity endorsements please
21:12do you have dry cracked skin i'm sean diddy coombs
21:24and now after 100 years on this beautiful blue planet of ours i can say with some credentials
21:31that the most beautiful animal on earth is the satisfier magic bunny
21:41sure is
21:45hello i'm suzy kato i'll help your family say see you later at kato's affordable cremations
21:57hey i know we didn't nail it with the last subway guy but i've got a good feeling about this
22:02one
22:02introducing prince andrew
22:08you know it's interesting they're saying it's been famous since ages ago but i've never heard of it you
22:13know i've never heard of this drink lemon and perroa perroa you know people call me a perroa a bit
22:18of a
22:19social perroa but i think i'm gonna like it lovely fruit lovely country might live there someday soon
22:33hello there i'm pierce brosnan and uh you could own my new fantastic milk stirrer
22:47you don't shake it because there's no lid on it you're just embarrassing yourselves guys
22:52all right back to the pineapple we go oh yes the government have announced plans to update the new
23:01zealand citizenship test from next year uh not that hard tbh you you have to get 15 out of 20.
23:07they're multi-choice and you get six attempts look if you fail that even i don't want you here uh
23:13but
23:13it could happen uh give us some new zealand citizenship test fails please oh my god you got an a
23:20plus
23:21unfortunately that makes you a bit of a try hard so you're sorry you have to pull you up on
23:28the
23:28national anthem you're supposed to mumble the first part and then go all right next question who is the
23:40deputy prime minister you don't know correct none of us did
23:47that's fine no no i think i've got it now uh it's is it to tada minor eb minor eb
24:02oh yeah um you're meant to blow on the pie not give the pie a blowjob
24:09look i'm sorry it's ticking a lot of boxes for me but i'm not in charge
24:22i'll say goodbye even though i'm blue even though i'm blue
24:29all right well done everyone but much like a dinette lifeguard we're ringing the shark bell
24:37and closing the beach sit on down play the steel drums
24:51great round of topicana team one you can have two million that's the amount you'll need to buy
24:55havana bar in wellington the iconic bar is up for sale favorite haunt of the lord of the rings stars
25:00and team two you can have 161 000 that's the record amount paid for tangihau the angus bull
25:06at last year's autumn bull sales worth every cent apparently this year's auctions are underway as
25:11we all know no word yet if the record has been beaten but team two has been beaten by team
25:15one
25:15who've earned themselves a bright shiny star
25:21all right so time for you to turn your brains back to 2006 team two for a damn good grilling
25:26in
25:27the burger fuel brain grill have a look at this and tell me what's going on here
25:32is this the new zealand version of to catch a predator
25:44that is some handsome devil all right uh standing next to jeremy corbett at christmas in the park and
25:50uh out of frame there jeanette thomas questioning her decision to be involved that was back when i
25:55could pull a crowd had over a hundred thousand there that night uh not all to see me granted but
25:59most of them uh and that brings us to another break when we get back we'll play jeremy's special
26:06game i know you're all excited you'll just have to wait till after these ads to find out what it
26:09is
26:10back soon
26:10welcome back everyone and now am i picking my time now for jeremy's special game
26:27since actions speak louder than words quote i just came up with let's play a round of charade the news
26:32in this game one member of each team will be given a category based on a news story they'll have
26:36to act
26:37out as many things from that category as possible for their teammates to guess team one uh you are
26:41up uh mel you are going to be doing the charading for this and uh i'll just give you these
26:46cards
26:46here are what you have to show don't let the others see them please all right okay so the story
26:52is the
26:52occam book awards were on last night and congratulations to all the winners to celebrate
26:56i'd like you mel to charade out some famous books for juzzy and roscoe to guess okay jump up there
27:02take the position we'll give you a moment let's go buddy and i'll get my dinger ready you have them
27:06until i ding my ding are you ready mel i'm ready away you go lord of the rings oh that's
27:14great
27:14lord of the rings great oh sexy mama yes booty yeah the knits halo um dandruff uh book the reader
27:28the reader
27:28the 50 shades of gray yes well done the bible come on that's correct oh men and butterfly
27:41That's the only two laughing
27:45To kill a walking bird
27:52Heroin
27:54Trainspawn
27:56Jack duck
27:58Goosebumps
28:01Oh God
28:03The Bible again
28:10Open a door shut the door at the door knock through the door be quiet
28:17Be quiet
28:19Oh Harry Potter
28:29Oh
28:30Shh
28:31The quiet place
28:33Which one secret? Oh the chamber secret?
28:40Scottish it's good man Scottish duck lock me sponsor
28:47Harry Potter in the chamber of arrested for heroin
28:52Harry Potter and oh, what's the other one?
28:55Oh the prisoner of Azkaban
28:57Well done
28:58Well done
29:01Well done
29:01Sit yourself down
29:04Good team
29:05Great work Mel
29:06Some amazing guesses from Roscoe
29:08Giving you a total of eight points by my talent
29:11You did great too Jussie
29:12But there were a couple from Roscoe just out of nowhere
29:14Boom, saved it on the night
29:16Alright
29:16Team two
29:17You're up chopper
29:18I'm going to ask you to do the miming
29:20Tomorrow Donald Trump is set to have an historic summit with Chinese Premier Xi Jinping
29:25Something of a power couple there
29:26Chopper
29:27You are tasked with charading other iconic duos
29:30Here is your list
29:31I thought you were going to wait
29:32I'm charading duo
29:34You're charading duos
29:35You're charading duos
29:35So I have to charade twice as much as Bill did for one answer
29:39Correct
29:39And there's no Roscoe on your team
29:40So good luck
29:41I believe in you chopper
29:42You have eight to beat chopper
29:44Okay take it away go
29:46Three words
29:47Third word
29:48Two syllables
29:49Two word
29:51Second word
29:51Two
29:52Peace
29:52Peace
29:52Peace
29:53Peace
29:53War and peace
29:53Yes
29:57Swimming fish
29:58Finding Nemo
29:59Eating sushi
30:00Touch a finger like
30:02Swim
30:03Swim
30:04Swim dive
30:05Delfin dive
30:05Turtle
30:05Turtle
30:06Open a book
30:09Eat sushi
30:10Eat sushi
30:11Is it sushi related
30:12Sush
30:13Shoo
30:13Fishing chips
30:14Yes
30:15Fishing chips
30:17Showering
30:18Shampoo
30:18Shampoo and conditioner
30:19Yes
30:20Oh yes
30:23Me coming out of the toilet
30:25Man and woman
30:26Man and woman
30:27Milking a man
30:28Um
30:29Getting out
30:32Stab
30:33Flip
30:33Turn
30:34Pancake
30:35Cook
30:36Grill
30:36Grill
30:37Flipping
30:37Barbecue
30:38Bar
30:39Bar
30:39Bar
30:40Bar
30:41Barbecue
30:43L
30:47L
30:49Loser
30:51Alan
30:52Alan Pete
30:53Alan Pete
30:54Correct
30:57Bugs Bunny Bunny
30:58Batman and the Joker?
30:59Batman and Robert?
31:00Yeah Batman and Robert
31:01Oh, well done.
31:06You got it, you got it.
31:08Don't look at that, look at us, look at us.
31:11Look at us, you got this.
31:12Three words.
31:14No, three words.
31:16Sounds like...
31:18Sleep.
31:19Night time.
31:21Oh, hanging yourself.
31:24Dream.
31:25Sounds like dream.
31:27Cream.
31:28Coffee and peaches and cream.
31:29Peaches and cream!
31:32Seagull.
31:33Bird.
31:34Sea.
31:35Bird.
31:36Bird.
31:36Bird.
31:37Mosquito.
31:38Flick.
31:39Flick bird.
31:40Bird.
31:41Bird and...
31:42Bird.
31:43And heroin.
31:45Bird and mosquito?
31:46Bird and bug?
31:47Bird and...
31:48Land?
31:49What goes with a f***ing bird?
31:52Is bird the first word?
31:53Bird is the first word.
31:54Bird...
31:55Bird in the bees.
31:56Bird shit.
31:57Yeah, bird in the bees!
31:59Sorry, that was on me.
32:00Screw...
32:00Spaghetti and meatballs.
32:02Yeah!
32:03Boom!
32:06Bird word.
32:07Bird word.
32:09Asshole.
32:09Wanker.
32:11Good kisser!
32:13Older?
32:15Older?
32:15Distinguished?
32:16Beautiful.
32:17Handsome.
32:18Jeremy!
32:19Corbett!
32:20And Josh Wilson?
32:21Corbett?
32:22Corbett and...
32:23Sounds like...
32:24Oh!
32:25One.
32:26Not that odd.
32:27Nemo.
32:28Oh, no!
32:28It's a...
32:29It's a radio guy...
32:31Oh!
32:32Damo and Corbett.
32:33Kevin Corbett!
32:34Yeah!
32:34Yes!
32:37Yeah!
32:42Damo would be happy.
32:45Great round of charade the news, but the winner just by one, according to me, you got
32:50nine, team two, which means you get the star!
32:52Well done!
32:55Oh, man.
32:56Okay.
32:58Time for some ads now.
32:59You've got a couple of minutes to put your art critic hat on, because coming up is my audience
33:03could draw that on seven days.
33:04See you soon.
33:16Oh, noamai wikimai.
33:18Welcome back, everyone.
33:20Time now for my audience to shine and my audience could draw that.
33:24Yes, two members of the public, in fact four, who thought they were only going to be watching
33:27the show, have ended up being part of it.
33:30Sucked in.
33:31They've drawn a picture based on a news story and the teams have to decode their artwork.
33:35Are you ready, team one?
33:36Yes, indeed.
33:37We're going couples, bit of a curveball.
33:39Please welcome your audience, artistes.
33:41Wow!
33:44Great start.
33:45Alright, so you need to say your names, the school you went to, and then once you've both
33:49done that, you go, and this is our picture, and they'll go nuts.
33:52Way you go.
33:53I'm Braden and I went to Birkenhead Primary School.
33:55I'm Rebecca and I went to Vauxhall Primary.
33:57And this is our picture.
34:03I'm looking at your drawing right now, and are you guys still in primary school?
34:10There's a body.
34:11There's a body.
34:12There's a body on the ground.
34:13I mean, there's a whole lot of bees, obviously.
34:15They're pretty cute bees.
34:16The long-headed man has got a gun.
34:20Or is it a big finger?
34:22Oh, the other thing.
34:23Okay.
34:25There's a swarm of bees.
34:28Is this this invasive bee species that's on the North Shore and everyone's going, I've
34:32seen the bee?
34:33And then people go, no, that's a regular bee.
34:37Could be.
34:37Let's ask Rebecca and Braden.
34:39Could be.
34:39Can you explain what you've drawn, please?
34:40Um, so in America there was a man being evicted from his house and a lady tried to stop the
34:47eviction by unleashing her bees on the cops.
34:50Oh.
34:51Yeah.
34:51Because the lovely old man being evicted here.
34:54Oh, yeah.
34:54He's crying, that's why.
34:55Oh, yeah.
34:56And this is the cop here.
34:57The bees are quite good.
34:59There's been some great work.
35:00Did you split that up?
35:01It seems like someone's good at drawing bees and someone's not.
35:04Wow.
35:05Wow.
35:06I did the bees.
35:07Yeah, there's a pretty strong divide with who drew bees.
35:10Any reason for this particular design on the hat?
35:13Oh, it's the high viz.
35:15I didn't get it either.
35:18Probably Rebecca and Braden will sort that out on the drive home.
35:22Alright, hold it up, look down the camera and say, and this is our picture.
35:26And this is our picture.
35:27Yeah.
35:28You can go.
35:30Thank you so much, Rebecca and Braden.
35:32Yes, an American woman is facing jail time this week after she unleashed thousands of
35:37bees on law enforcement who were trying to evict her elderly friend.
35:42Police said legally they should have arrested the bees, but it was just too many sets of
35:46tiny handcuffs.
35:48It's amazing.
35:48Did they bring in the SWAT team?
35:52No.
35:54How do you train bees to attack?
35:57To be honest, I think you just open the hive and let the bees be bees, don't you?
36:02It's like being like, oh, how do I get my crocodile to eat this dog?
36:05You just put the dog next to the crocodile.
36:07I don't know.
36:09It's important to remember, like, this lady's bees are not like the ones we have in New Zealand.
36:14Like, these bees, they take two or three times to turn over and figure out which way they're
36:18going because they're U.S. bees.
36:22Very good.
36:24All right, team two, are you ready?
36:25Yes.
36:26Team two, please meet this evening's artistic couple.
36:30Come on in.
36:32Yes.
36:33Great.
36:33Oh, wow.
36:34All right, here we go.
36:35So, you know the routine.
36:37Say your name, the school you went to, and then together, this is our picture.
36:41Hello, my name's Fraser, and I'm from North School down in Invercargill.
36:45My name's Tom, and I went to Woodlands Park Primary School.
36:47And this is our picture.
36:50Woo!
36:51Smell it!
36:54I'll just say, first off, Tom looks like a Southland me.
37:00It's a beautiful picture, guys.
37:02A lot of bees in there, so this might be similar to the last story.
37:07Pretty rough graph for the child.
37:11And this sort of orange bra on the ground or something.
37:15The pair of shoes, the orange circle thing.
37:21I don't know.
37:21That's a bra?
37:23What?
37:23I don't want to mansplain what a bra looks like to the two ladies,
37:26but I've taken a few off and put them on the ground during my time.
37:32After a long, hard day at work.
37:35I need the support, guys.
37:38Yeah, I mean, what...
37:40OK, what is it then?
37:41Sorry, Jeremy, can I form my own team?
37:46OK, OK, I think I've got...
37:48So, basically, OK, so down the bottom left is clearly a couple
37:51trying to disguise themselves as a Christmas tree
37:53and have done the zip-up halfway.
37:54Yes, yes, yes.
37:55Keep going, let him cook.
37:57So, this is, in the rocket, it all kind of speaks together,
38:00it's Elon Musk has got a lot of bastard children
38:04which he doesn't want to adopt until 2026.
38:07Doesn't sound likely, but good luck.
38:09Tom and Fraser, what have you drawn, please?
38:12Yeah, so there's a bit going on here.
38:13Yes.
38:13New Zealand is now the global leader
38:17in couples electing to not get married.
38:19Oh!
38:20So there's a hell of a lot of bastard children being born.
38:22In fact, since 2000 to 2026, it's doubled.
38:26Right, it has doubled, OK.
38:27And the orange with the white cat mask or bra,
38:31depending on your... What is that?
38:33Well, all the money you save from not putting it into a wedding,
38:36you can now invest into Bitcoin.
38:37Bitcoin.
38:37Yes, that's what that is.
38:39And what is going on top left?
38:42Oh, someone's... This is a finger with a hand.
38:44What is this?
38:44A hand with a finger.
38:45It's nothing else.
38:46With a ring.
38:48That's not happening.
38:49How come Tim was an old couple
38:51and we got the stonedest people in the house?
38:53Don't put a ring on it, is what it's saying.
38:56Go on, man, and say,
38:57and this is our picture down camera.
38:59And this is our picture down camera.
39:03Thank you, guys.
39:05Oh, great.
39:05Thank you, Tom.
39:06Thank you, Fraser.
39:07Figures released by StatsNZ show that Kiwis are world leaders
39:10and not getting married.
39:11Marriages in civil unions were down 3% in 2025
39:15and that continues the decline in nuptials
39:17that's been going on for nearly 50 years.
39:20Divorce rates are up too.
39:21Not me and my wife, though.
39:22Whatever her name is, we're solid as a rock.
39:24I think probably the hard part
39:26about trying to get married in bloody New Zealand,
39:28every time you get the ring out, Frodo scampers in.
39:33I think maybe you're just too happy here for marriage.
39:37I think that's what I'm learning, do you know?
39:39You've got a very good quality of life,
39:41but back home in Scotland, where everyone's miserable,
39:44you just want to find someone else to drag into the darkness.
39:47LAUGHTER
39:50I think the problem is it's so hard to get an engagement ring these days,
39:53because Michael Hill's put all those bollards up around his shop,
39:55so you've got to get a decent round round.
39:57Oh, my God.
39:58I tried to get a ring from there the other day.
40:00I went through five Subaru WRXs.
40:03LAUGHTER
40:05People can't afford a wedding.
40:07People can't even afford parties these days.
40:09I went to a costume party recently,
40:10and the theme was Hallensteins.
40:13LAUGHTER
40:14Weddings are so expensive as well.
40:16We had to go the cheap option for our wedding photographer,
40:19and we ended up booking someone
40:21who I only found out on the day
40:23had never photographed a wedding before
40:25because she'd only been a horse photographer.
40:29LAUGHTER
40:30There were clues on the day.
40:32I should have noticed, like,
40:33when my wife was walking down the aisle,
40:34she had to jump a small hedge to get to the end.
40:40All right, great round of my audience could draw that.
40:42For all points, Team One, you can have 486.
40:44That's the amount of power taken from Hikarangi Marine Reserve
40:47resulted in a Christchurch man getting sentenced
40:49to four months' detention.
40:50Good.
40:51Team Two.
40:51Total minutes of film Peter Jackson has made in his career.
40:54Got an honorary Palme d'Or in Cannes this week.
40:56Not sure how many he's made,
40:57but it's way more than 486 minutes,
40:59which means the star for this round goes to Team Two.
41:01Well done.
41:02CHEERING
41:05All right, you at home, it wouldn't be fair for our comedians,
41:08for them to have all the fun.
41:09It's your turn for a burger-fueled brain grill.
41:12Have a look at this.
41:13This is also up on our socials,
41:15so head to Facebook or Instagram,
41:16chuck up a caption that fills in the blanks for that.
41:19The best answer will win $100 a burger fuel,
41:21which tastes all the sweeter with the knowledge
41:23you're funnier than most of the country.
41:25All right, just one more part to go.
41:26Join us back here for captions.
41:27Find out who is walking away
41:29with our homemade Hantavirus vaccine.
41:31See you in a tick.
41:43Welcome back to Aotearoa.
41:45This is still Seven Days.
41:46I thought we'd round out the evening with a game of captions.
41:49I'll show the team some of the weirdest and wildest photos
41:51from the week.
41:52All they have to do is try and guess the correct caption.
41:54Team One, you are up first.
41:55What is the caption for this picture?
41:57No, the caption is,
41:59things not going well for Schrodinger's cat.
42:05Also going well at the same time.
42:07Is it Snoop Dogg's hamster arrives at customs?
42:12Is this Corbett destroys his computer
42:16after the Epstein files come out?
42:19Is this Susie Cato's affordable cremation services?
42:24That is members of the Mexican army,
42:26specialists in toxic substances,
42:28participating in the first national earthquake drill.
42:31Quite obvious.
42:32Team Two, your turn now.
42:33Here's the picture.
42:34What is the caption, please?
42:35Ooh, FIFA announces shocking new ball design.
42:39My first day here at the zoo,
42:41but I'm pretty sure these are called rat lobsters.
42:46Is this a man starting to suspect he's been adopted?
42:53Caption there is a zookeeper kneels next to the six banded armadillos
42:56Amelie and Falco at Hagenbeck Zoo in Hamburg.
42:59Back to you, Team One.
43:00Give me the caption for this photo, please.
43:02Oh, is this a new VR headset for dogs
43:05where they can hunt people's legs from the privacy of the room?
43:08Is this, uh, Collie Flowers?
43:14Is this...
43:15Come on, for God's sake!
43:18Is this, um...
43:20Is this Corbett's dog prepare themselves
43:22for his game of find the peanut butter?
43:29You don't know where it is.
43:31That's your brains.
43:32Good luck took me, like, three hours.
43:37And I was hunting really strongly.
43:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:41OK.
43:42The real caption there.
43:43Dogs wearing goggles posed for a photo
43:45at a tulip farm in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario.
43:49Last one for you, Team Two.
43:50I hope you're ready for this.
43:51Tell me what the caption is for this photo.
43:54Um...
43:55Is it a Chris Luxon-themed chessboard?
43:58LAUGHTER
44:02Is it, uh, Stephen Joyce trying to pick who hit him out of a line-up?
44:07LAUGHTER
44:09Is it...
44:10Is it...
44:11Whoa, those skydivers are in for a nasty landing.
44:14LAUGHTER
44:15Is it...
44:15Is it a man being mugged by sea cucumbers?
44:19LAUGHTER
44:21Is it, um, once we can teach these dildos to open jars,
44:25we don't need men anymore?
44:27LAUGHTER
44:30That is, uh...
44:31We could go all night with this.
44:32But, no, um...
44:33How does activists play a game of ring-toss
44:35during a dildo-themed ice protest
44:37outside the detention facility in Broadview, Illinois?
44:41And for captions, I'm gonna give the star to Team Two!
44:43Well done, Team Two!
44:47Alright, and with that star awarded and some quick maths,
44:49we can all see tonight's winner is...
44:52Team Two!
44:54There you go.
44:55We did it.
44:56We did it.
44:56There you go.
44:57Here's your chemistry.
44:59No, you did it.
44:59That is great.
45:01Congratulations on being some of the first people in the world
45:03to receive my patented, ground-breaking experimental medicine.
45:06Just line up over here and we will get started with the application.
45:09That is all from us this week.
45:11Thank you for being you
45:12and please join me in thanking
45:13Mel, Roscoe, Jazzy, Josh, Bailey and Chopper.
45:16We'll see you on 7A's on 7A's Good Night.
45:19OK.
45:20Who's up first?
45:25Hey, thank you, New Zealand, I'm here.
45:27Alright then, you're done.
45:29LAUGHTER
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