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00:00I took a big swig of Diet Coke and there's some Windy Pops that is going to emerge at some
00:05point.
00:05Not the first comedian who's admitted to taking Coke before they came on.
00:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:49Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You? I'm Steph McGovern.
00:53In the news this week, at the Kremlin pub quiz,
00:55there's evidence of blatant cheating in the geography round.
01:06In Minsk, there's a nervous moment as the president of Belarus
01:10starts to worry he didn't laugh hard enough at his guest's anecdote.
01:22And at Madame Tussard's, one of the cleaners attending Prince William's waxwork
01:27appears to be paying slightly too much attention to detail.
01:32LAUGHTER
01:38No wonder he's smiling.
01:41On Ian's team tonight is an esteemed actress who, 20 years ago,
01:45was made Chancellor of the University of Portsmouth at the age of 74.
01:50Coincidentally, the same age most people will be
01:52when they finally pay off their student loan.
01:54Please welcome Dim Sheila Hancock!
02:03And of Hall's team tonight is a comedian and actor
02:05who stars in Waterloo Road as a teacher who used to be a Royal Marine.
02:10With a constant fear of being shot, the PTSD,
02:13it's not easy being a teacher.
02:14Please welcome John Richardson!
02:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:20We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:24Ian and Sheila, who is yours?
02:26Um, doses and votes have been counted.
02:29Counting.
02:30Sorry. People's careers in the bin.
02:32Oh, look, I've got one vote.
02:34Yeah.
02:34It's his wife.
02:36Oh, God.
02:37It's a crypto salesman.
02:40It's the election, which we don't know the results.
02:43Yeah, correct.
02:43As we're recording this in advance of the national and local election
02:47results, we just need to do two takes,
02:50so can you just bear with us on this?
02:52So this is the plight of Keir Starmer
02:54after Labour's disappointing defeat.
02:58This is the plight of Keir Starmer
03:01after Labour's catastrophically humiliating defeat.
03:04LAUGHTER
03:09I think everyone's made such a big fuss about how bad it's going to be.
03:12If Labour get one seat, I think it's a triumph.
03:16It would be wonderful, wouldn't it,
03:17if it all went quite differently
03:20to what the press has been saying.
03:22But it may have already done that.
03:24It may have already done that.
03:25It could be a Lib Dem landslide.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29Take it from me, that isn't going to happen.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:32So, even though we don't know the results,
03:34what do you make of them?
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38And the important thing is it doesn't actually affect anything.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:41Because Keir Starmer's still got a thumping majority,
03:45he's got three years to stay if he wants to,
03:47and local councils don't affect the ability
03:50of the national government to function.
03:51What were the Labour candidates told not to do on camera?
03:55Throw up in sheer terror.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:58Well, let's hear from Channel 4 News's political editor, Gary Gibbon.
04:03Labour agents, as part of the choreography around tomorrow night,
04:07are telling any activists who go to the counts where there are cameras,
04:11don't go talking to those cameras
04:13and please, please don't cry on camera.
04:16LAUGHTER
04:19Oh, no.
04:21Yeah, that's like a motivational shot, isn't it?
04:25LAUGHTER
04:25In the run-up to polling day,
04:27the BBC election programme on the News Channel
04:29had a varied line-up.
04:31Here it is on Tuesday.
04:33Three blokes round a table.
04:34But on Wednesday, they decided to mix things up a bit.
04:39LAUGHTER
04:39Three blokes Wednesday!
04:42Which policy announcement may or may not have dented
04:46reform's popularity in the run-up to polling day?
04:50Um...
04:51You look confused.
04:52The idea that reform might not have a number of policies.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:55Oh, is it the one about putting all the people that are over here
05:00illegally in green areas?
05:02Yeah.
05:02This was originally a joke in the Daily Telegraph.
05:05One of the columnists, Michael Deacon, made a joke about
05:08I wonder what reform policy will do next,
05:10and then about a week later the deputy announced it.
05:14Yes.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Well, yeah, you're right.
05:16Let's take a look.
05:17The policy's very simple.
05:18You vote for a reform MP,
05:20you will not have a detention facility in your constituency.
05:24But if you vote green,
05:25or those that support open borders in the world,
05:29that's where the detention centres are going to be.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34And that's not divisive.
05:36That's a kindly, wonderful thing to say.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:40I don't think he knows what human beings are.
05:44He doesn't realise that those people are actually people.
05:47What, the Greens?
05:48That he's usually...
05:49LAUGHTER
05:50I mean, it's just...
05:52Oh, God.
05:53Let's do something funny.
05:56LAUGHTER
06:02All the things I've got for the age now,
06:05that I probably won't be here much longer,
06:07and I'm so frightened...
06:09Shall we get someone else?
06:11LAUGHTER
06:12No, but I'm going to die when he's Prime Minister.
06:17Yeah.
06:17I can't die when Farage is Prime Minister.
06:21OK, well, that's something to look forward to.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:23And he's not going to be Prime Minister
06:25just because they win seats in a local election.
06:27I have a feeling that the country is so bewildered at the moment
06:32and so desperate for change of any sort...
06:35Yeah.
06:36..and this is always so dangerous.
06:38It happened in countries all around the world.
06:41I'm not going to mention Germany because it...
06:43But it did happen then.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46I mean, seriously.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:48We're not exactly Weimar, though, are we?
06:52I see you've changed tack
06:53and they all do something funny at you.
06:55LAUGHTER
06:57APPLAUSE
06:59Right.
07:01Sorry, God.
07:03Why might this policy announcement
07:04on mass deportation by reform be a dead cat?
07:08A dead cat?
07:10Yeah.
07:10No, it's not really a dead cat, don't worry.
07:13It's like a distraction.
07:14Why is it a dead cat?
07:17Because Mr Farage doesn't want to answer a load of questions
07:20about cryptocurrency.
07:22Why are you calling him Mr all of a sudden?
07:24Um...
07:24Ian's too polite to say tosspot.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28Nige.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:32Yeah.
07:32He's not doing a lot of media interviews
07:34because journalists...
07:36I mean, they're so irritating.
07:37They do this stuff about asking you questions.
07:40Yeah, I was being ironic.
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43Mostly about my own career.
07:46Um...
07:46Career?
07:47LAUGHTER
07:49Let me tell you more about it.
07:51Yeah, go on.
07:51Could have been announced
07:52to get people to forget the main reform story.
07:55So just a reminder that in 2024,
07:57Nigel Farage accepted a £5 million personal gift
08:01from this Thai-based crypto billionaire
08:04and then changed his mind about not standing as an MP.
08:08The fact that the man who gave him the money
08:11has made his money in cryptocurrency
08:13and the fact that Nigel is a big fan of cryptocurrency
08:16are not related.
08:18LAUGHTER
08:19But if Nigel gets in...
08:21Yeah.
08:21..are we all going to have to have cryptocurrency?
08:24Yeah, I've got some here.
08:26Do you want some, lady?
08:26LAUGHTER
08:28He's definitely going to get in
08:29because you've basically said
08:30if we elect anyone else, you'll die.
08:32Yeah.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:33The idea that you could get £5 million and not declare it.
08:37Anyone I know would be turning up to the pub in a gold fedora...
08:41LAUGHTER
08:41..with a pangolin in a handbag.
08:45Now, the Greens were on track to do well in the elections,
08:48but its leader, Zach Polanski's popularity plummeted
08:51in the final days in the run-up.
08:54Why was that?
08:54We made a series of blunders.
08:57He said that Jewish people had this perception
08:59that they weren't safe and then two of them got stabbed,
09:03so that didn't go very well.
09:04Then he said he was a spokesman for the Red Cross
09:06and they said, no, you aren't.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:09They're out to get him, every single paper.
09:12And the business about the Red Cross...
09:14Isn't that their job, to hold people to account?
09:16Yeah, but it's out of all proportion.
09:18Is it?
09:19The Red Cross thing.
09:20Silly of him, but not a major crime.
09:23No.
09:23He said he was a member of the Society of Hypnotists.
09:26I've had hypnotherapy.
09:27I didn't know there was a Society of Hypnotists.
09:29Did you not?
09:29And I didn't think you had to join it in order to be practising.
09:34Oh, no, you do, cos otherwise you'd do things like
09:36tell people you'll make their breasts bigger.
09:37Oh!
09:38LAUGHTER
09:39Were you spoiled?
09:40Old chestnut.
09:41It's not an old chestnut.
09:42It's a story about a man who would like to be Prime Minister.
09:46But, Ian, he's something new.
09:48Oh, what about Nigel?
09:50He's made a few errors.
09:51Why do people go on about the crypto?
09:53Nobody...
09:54LAUGHTER
09:54In his defence, maybe it's that I'm getting older.
09:57Yeah, you are, yeah.
09:58My tits are bigger than they used to be.
10:00LAUGHTER
10:04Yeah, I can vouch for that.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:08So, a leadership challenge to Keir Starmer could be just
10:11around the corner, or have already happened.
10:14What further detail has emerged about potential challenger
10:17Angela Rayner's boozy night in the Commons bar last week?
10:21Oh, for heaven's sake.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:24She stopped vaping, is that it?
10:26No, according to the Daily Mail, Angela Rayner shouted,
10:30I'm a socialist, then fell into a door with a loud bang.
10:34LAUGHTER
10:35In fact, she spent so long in the bar,
10:38that as she staggered out, she tripped over Nigel Farage.
10:41LAUGHTER
10:42All these trivialities.
10:44We're on the verge of the Third World War,
10:47and we're talking about Angela Rayner getting pissed in Parliament.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:52Come on!
10:54APPLAUSE
10:54Come on!
10:57Just five years ago, we had a leader trying to be ousted
11:00by their own party.
11:01We had leaders being accused of anti-Semitism.
11:04Feels very 2019.
11:05Luckily, there isn't a new virus on a cruise ship.
11:08LAUGHTER
11:10APPLAUSE
11:14This is the UK elections.
11:17Ahead of the council elections,
11:19the Telegraph accused Keir Starmer of cronyism,
11:21saying his niece had been parachuted into a safe Labour seat.
11:25Shocking news, Labour have a safe seat.
11:28LAUGHTER
11:29One front-runner for the Labour leadership is Wes Streeting.
11:32He's been described by a colleague as an uber-Blairite.
11:36So, a Blairite who's likely to let you down
11:38if there's chance of a better job.
11:41According to the Telegraph,
11:43some of Wes Streeting's supporters want him to strike
11:45as soon as Friday.
11:47A tactic he learnt from the junior doctors.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:52Morning, John.
11:52He is yours.
11:53OK.
11:55Oh, yes, a very young David Attenborough there.
11:57There's a bird attacking him and it's come back...
11:59Oh, there we are again.
12:01That's a rather dangerous thing to do when you're in Hyde Park.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:05And that visual clue there tells us he's 100 today.
12:09Yes.
12:10How's the BBC celebrating?
12:11Week-long of celebratory news, documentaries about him.
12:15That's why we're on BBC Two tonight.
12:17It is, yes.
12:18So, they've dumped this show onto BBC Two.
12:20Thank you very much.
12:21But that's TV Darwinism for you, isn't it?
12:24It is on at the same time as his party on BBC One.
12:28Everyone who's watching this hates him.
12:30This is true.
12:30I think it's time to put the boot in on him.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:35I certainly don't think they should give him the bumps.
12:37LAUGHTER
12:38No.
12:39When David Attenborough's B-Day bash...
12:41B-Day bash?
12:42A B-Day bash.
12:43What, that's usually in a French hotel?
12:45LAUGHTER
12:46I thought B-Day was two days before D-Day.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:51You're only groaning because you didn't think of it yourself.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:55How lovely that they've organised that.
12:57Really nice.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:02He's a good man, you see.
13:04Yes.
13:04Good man.
13:05I thought you were about to tell us a scandal about him.
13:07No, no, no!
13:08I don't have any...
13:09Please, please!
13:10Not him as well!
13:11Don't let there be a scandal about him.
13:14No.
13:14He couldn't bear it.
13:16He's actually only 22.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:19Right.
13:19While BBC One viewers are stuck with the whole evening of him,
13:23let's celebrate his life with a quick-fire buzzer round
13:26that can do the job in five minutes.
13:28Great.
13:28Let's check your buzzers.
13:29Ian and Sheila, give us a press.
13:31PHONE RINGS
13:32Oh!
13:34There's an elephant in the room.
13:36LAUGHTER
13:38APPLAUSE
13:38Ah!
13:41Oh, you clapped that and you groan at B-Day.
13:46Elephant in the room.
13:46We've got the level now.
13:48We've got to just state the bleeding obvious.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:51Paul and John, can we test your buzzer?
13:53Yes.
13:54BUZZER
13:55BUZZER
13:56Yep.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:58That's not the Diet Coke, is it?
14:01LAUGHTER
14:02No, it's a seal.
14:04A seal?
14:04Yeah.
14:05Fingers on buzzers, here we go.
14:07Right.
14:07What do a flightless beetle,
14:10a species of hawkweed on the Brecon beacons,
14:12and a dinosaur have in common?
14:16BUZZER
14:17Ian!
14:18Still there.
14:21Um...
14:23APPLAUSE
14:28That's a very good seal in buzzer.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:35Chuck's a beach bullock, it was going for 20 minutes.
14:38LAUGHTER
14:38Can you remember the question?
14:39No.
14:41What do a flightless beetle?
14:42Oh, they're named after him.
14:43Yes.
14:45They've all been named after him.
14:46What did he wear when filming with a tribe on the Solomon Islands?
14:51Loincloth.
14:51Correct.
14:52Have we got a photo?
14:54Have you got a photo of the linecloth?
14:55Oh, actually, look.
14:55Calm down.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:59We are going to try and find one.
15:01We don't want to have one now, but...
15:02I do need that.
15:03I need a bit of a lift.
15:04Yeah.
15:06LAUGHTER
15:06LAUGHTER
15:09If it helps, Ian's willing to strip down to his pants for half an hour.
15:14Oh, dear God!
15:16Wait till afterwards.
15:19Angela Rayner's got nothing on me once I go through.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:28Right, back to the quiz.
15:29Yep.
15:30Fingers on buzzers.
15:31What kind of car does he drive?
15:35A beetle.
15:36He doesn't.
15:37He's never passed his driving test.
15:39Ha-ha!
15:40Got that on him.
15:41Though in him...
15:41LAUGHTER
15:43First time, two-minus.
15:45Suck on that, David.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:48What chilling discovery was made in his back garden in 2010?
15:53Was it Sheila Hancock staring into his bedroom?
15:55LAUGHTER
15:56Ooh!
15:57That would be nice.
15:59LAUGHTER
16:03He is terribly good-looking, isn't he?
16:05Oh, yeah.
16:06And you see him in those early things.
16:08Yeah.
16:09He's not as good looking as...
16:11LAUGHTER
16:12I mean, smoking is the term I always say.
16:15LAUGHTER
16:15They've got to dig up this picture of him in a loincloth.
16:18There will be one, won't they?
16:19They are definitely on the case of a loincloth.
16:21Definitely.
16:21That's a permissible use of AI.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:27What was it in his garden, then?
16:29The skull of a murder victim from 1879.
16:33That's terrible.
16:35He's a good man.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:41And finally...
16:42What did Attenborough once ask me for?
16:46A pen?
16:47Nope.
16:47Mobile phone?
16:48Nope.
16:48Benson and Hedges.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:53Ask you for?
16:55Yeah.
16:55To take him round Leeds?
16:58Middlesbrough!
16:58Well done!
16:59Oh, wow!
16:59That's what he did ask!
17:01Wow!
17:01Brilliant.
17:02Woo!
17:03He asked me to take him on a night out in Middlesbrough.
17:05Did you go?
17:06No, he would have been eaten alive.
17:08LAUGHTER
17:10He might have seen animals, but he's not seen Middlesbrough Lasses.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:14Right, that's the end of that quiz.
17:16Staying with animals, what could you soon be able to see at London Zoo?
17:21Backstage facilities, seeing animals being operated on.
17:23Yes.
17:24Here's an artist's impression of what that might look like.
17:27The tiger who came to see tea.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:30What would you like to watch through the plate glass window?
17:33David Attenborough in a loincloth.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:38No!
17:39Hasn't this all been funded by one mystery donor,
17:42who's paid for the whole thing but doesn't want to be named?
17:44Is that true?
17:45Yes, it is true.
17:46I never know on this show whether things are true.
17:49LAUGHTER
17:50You're going to hate what I lie to you.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:55Visitors to London Zoo can now watch vets performing surgery
17:59on animals and even autopsies before visiting the cafe next door
18:03to try one of the surprisingly cheap burgers.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07And sort of round two, the jigsaw of news.
18:09Fingers on Buzz's teams.
18:15This is re-enacting the image on the Sistine Chapel.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:21This is the end of the war and they're looking like
18:24they're going to be able to get exactly what they had
18:26before the war started.
18:27Yeah.
18:29What's the good news, according to Secretary of State Marco Rubio?
18:32The deal is near.
18:34And Operation Freedom, which was launched, I think, five minutes ago,
18:38is now over.
18:39Yeah.
18:40The operation to safely guide vessels out of the Strait of Hormuz
18:43began on Monday.
18:45Then on Tuesday, Trump said he would pause the operation
18:49for a short period of time.
18:50So, Project Freedom is now Operation Shit Show.
18:53LAUGHTER
18:54And if they don't obey the latest thing,
18:57then he'll start bombing again.
18:59Or maybe he won't.
19:00Maybe he'll...
19:00Maybe he won't.
19:01He'll set them another deadline.
19:03I can't...
19:03If you don't do what I say in the next three days,
19:06I'll extend the deadline.
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09Do you remember what you wrote about him in your book?
19:12What? Oh...
19:35I thought I was nice in those days.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:39He was really angry then.
19:40I'm sorry.
19:42I mean, the king handled it so beautifully,
19:44because he attacked him with proper language,
19:47so Trump didn't understand.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:51APPLAUSE
19:55Staying with the US,
19:56it was also the Met Gala this week.
19:58Oh, yeah.
19:59What was the controversy?
20:00The suggestion was this year,
20:02the Met Gala had become very, very tacky,
20:05because it had been taken over by Jeff Bezos and his wife.
20:09A, it was quite funny, the idea that the Met Ball
20:12had ever not been tacky.
20:14LAUGHTER
20:15A lot of people refused to go.
20:17Who?
20:17Me.
20:18Well...
20:19LAUGHTER
20:20Would you like to see some of the outfits?
20:22Yeah, yeah.
20:23Well, Katy Perry had to come straight from her fencing lesson.
20:28LAUGHTER
20:29Now, you see, that's not going to get her anywhere, is it?
20:32LAUGHTER
20:34And now, Lena Maffoof.
20:36That's a name, not an invitation, by the way.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:39Here she is.
20:40LAUGHTER
20:41Looks like Prince Andrew's on the loose again, doesn't he?
20:45LAUGHTER
20:50How did Lauren Sanchez prepare for her co-chair role
20:54at the fashion event?
20:55She had a black frock with lots of boobs showing, didn't she?
20:58LAUGHTER
20:59She went to see the green man and hadn't hypnotised.
21:03LAUGHTER
21:07To prove Ian wrong, it worked.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:11That's the most stunning U-turn I've ever witnessed.
21:15LAUGHTER
21:16Did anyone see one of the eye-catching exhibits
21:19at the Venice Art Biennale this week?
21:22No, we didn't, but you have a picture, no doubt.
21:24We certainly do, we've got a video.
21:26Video.
21:26Australian artist Florentina Holsinger...
21:29Yeah.
21:29..was raising awareness of the climate crisis like this.
21:34Oh, God!
21:39What's making the noise?
21:42Which bit of it?
21:44LAUGHTER
21:51That used to go out of her sister.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:54Unbelievable.
21:56Oh, did I say Australian?
21:57Yeah, fine.
21:59I said the wrong nationality of the, erm,
22:01the lady with her boobs out in the bell.
22:03To be fair, they were upside down, you'd have thought she was Australian.
22:07LAUGHTER
22:08APPLAUSE
22:11All these lovely things happening, the Biennale and all that,
22:14and I'm sitting here with you.
22:15Yeah, I know.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:19Lastly, what surprise did passengers on a flight to Toulouse get recently?
22:24Oh, they ran out of fuel halfway.
22:26Oh, don't.
22:28And they're still stuck up there.
22:30Oh, no, it's getting down.
22:33The flight had an unusual flight number.
22:36Have a listen.
22:36Flight LH222222...
22:42LAUGHTER
22:44LAUGHTER
22:46LAUGHTER
22:48Very good.
22:51It's a shame no-one in shots wearing a 222.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:55This is the news that Donald Trump claims to have won the war with Iran.
22:59According to the Wall Street Journal, as the conflict continues,
23:02Iran is considering deploying mine-carrying kamikaze dolphins.
23:07In response, the US Navy is planning to send in the seals.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:13Oh, you see, 20 minutes ago, you'd have laughed at that.
23:15LAUGHTER
23:16LAUGHTER
23:17Now, if they'd sent in the elephants, it'd have been huge.
23:21You'd think they'd forget, but then, that's elephants.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:26APPLAUSE
23:27LAUGHTER
23:30Right, brace yourself, Sheila.
23:32He is Sir David Attenborough in a loincloth.
23:35Oh, yeah.
23:36He discarded his alien Western clothes.
23:39Oh, look at that.
23:39And like everybody else...
23:41LAUGHTER
23:43LAUGHTER
23:43Oh, my goodness.
23:46Oh, dear, he won't thank us for that.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:50Oh, no.
23:52And they've dug that out from the archives.
23:55Put it back, put it back.
23:57I love the fact that you try and spread the blame.
23:59They won't thank us.
24:01LAUGHTER
24:02I think someone's played a practical joke on him,
24:04cos nobody else is dressed the same as him.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:10What's he got on his shoulders?
24:12It's tan marks, isn't it?
24:13He's been in a T-shirt and shorts too long.
24:16Oh.
24:16We've all been there.
24:17Ian, I bet you've got tan marks like that, haven't you?
24:19Well, particularly if I've been wearing a mankini.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:23And now we've got a picture of Ian in a mankini.
24:32Time now for the missing words round,
24:35which this week features as its guest publication,
24:37the Bulletin of the Monumental Brass Society
24:40for Brass-Rubbing Enthusiasts.
24:43And we start with...
24:44If you are planning to attend the upcoming meeting
24:47of the Monumental Brass Society in Amersham,
24:50please email ahead so Caroline can what?
24:53Make sure she's not there.
25:02Get enough gear in for everyone.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:07If you are planning to attend the upcoming meeting
25:09of the Monumental Brass Society in Amersham,
25:11please email ahead so Caroline can plan how much cake to bake.
25:16LAUGHTER
25:16Next.
25:18Massive spill of Prosecco on M4 results in what?
25:22Pissed roadkill.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:25Busiest day ever for both kinds of AA.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:30That's the answer.
25:32APPLAUSE
25:32Very good.
25:35Massive spill of Prosecco on M4 results in closure of carriage wear.
25:40Next.
25:41Last year's annual general meeting
25:43of the Monumental Brass Society was memorable because what?
25:47Peter Wilson had an affair with Eileen Jacobs.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:51The rubbing was fab.
25:53Yeah.
25:55Caroline didn't make any fucking cake.
25:58Yeah.
25:59APPLAUSE
26:04Last year's annual general meeting of the Monumental Brass Society
26:08was memorable because Nicholas Rogers was comprehensively splashed
26:12by a passing car.
26:14Oh, bless.
26:16Finally, Yorkshire man claims to be the first person in the world
26:19to what?
26:20While what?
26:21The first person in the world to say,
26:24see you in a while, crocodile.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:28Oh, yeah, I like that.
26:29That's very, very good.
26:30Thanks.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:31I don't feel...
26:33I don't feel good about myself.
26:34No.
26:36Yorkshire man claims to be the first person in the world
26:39to pull a car with his penis while on fire.
26:43LAUGHTER
26:44I dispute the first person in the world.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:50Do you want to see him doing it?
26:51No!
26:52Can we have a choice?
27:08What does the bloke in the car think? What's happening?
27:12LAUGHTER
27:13I love the fact there's nobody watching.
27:15Yeah, not bothered.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:18His wife's just said to him,
27:20you pull the car with your penis every week,
27:22it needs more.
27:23Yeah.
27:24He's a good finish.
27:26Yeah.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:27So the final scores are,
27:30Ian and Sheila have three points,
27:33Paul and John have six points!
27:35Oh, I know!
27:38APPLAUSE
27:41But before we go this,
27:42just time for the caption competition.
27:45Oh, these are the results for barking.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:52I can't believe that got a round of applause.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:56I was hoping they'd have an elephant gang.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:00On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
28:03Ian Hislop and Dame Sheila Hancock,
28:05Paul Merton and John Richardson.
28:07And I leave you with news that, in Hyde Park,
28:10there's a near miss for one woman
28:11after Bingo the Skydiving Dog's parachute fails to open.
28:16LAUGHTER
28:20On a golf course in Florida,
28:22there's evidence that Tiger Woods has just finished his round.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:29And at a drinks party in central London,
28:32someone makes the mistake of spilling a pensioner's pint.
28:35LAUGHTER
28:40Good night!
28:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:54Life hasn't changed and she's certainly not shallow.
28:58See for yourself.
28:58Amanda Land back for a new series on iPlayer.
29:01This and everything across the BBC is made possible
29:04because we're funded by you.
29:09APPLAUSE
29:18Gagging for a drink.
29:21LAUGHTER
29:23APPLAUSE
29:24.
29:24.
29:29.
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