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00:25Welcome back to the third exciting new season
00:29of Guy Montgomery's God, let's go and do it!
00:32Oh, thank you.
00:33We did it, baby!
00:35We're number three.
00:36It's new in that the words and contestants on display
00:39have not graced our studio before.
00:41And exciting in that we have three burly inmates
00:44on temporary release from prison
00:45in our studio audience this evening.
00:50Great to have you in tonight, lads.
00:52And under their watchful eye,
00:54four fantastic comedians from Australia and the world
00:57will do battle in the form of spelling
00:59with an eye to winning this!
01:01An enormous call-through ticket
01:03to appear on another episode of our show.
01:06And while they hold their glory aloft,
01:08another speller will be given an opportunity
01:10to sit and reflect on where it all went wrong
01:13as they take a seat on our custom-built reflecting stool
01:16and don our custom-built reflecting hat.
01:22It is a horrid little corner of the studio.
01:25And now we're all up to speed, let's meet our spellers.
01:29Please welcome...
01:31Andrew Denton!
01:33Michelle Brazier!
01:36Phil Wang!
01:38And returning season two champion,
01:41Gillian Cosgrove!
01:45But it's not just new spellers
01:48who we're welcoming this evening.
01:49With a heavy heart, I must inform you
01:51that my trusted assistant Aaron Chen
01:53will not be with us this season
01:54as he has chosen to prioritise his marriage,
01:57mental wellbeing and career opportunities
01:59in the North Pole.
02:02In his stead, we have recruited the sharpest mind
02:05and snappiest dresser in Australian show business
02:07since Paul Hogan sold cigarettes in a tuxedo.
02:10So will you please welcome
02:11my new assistant, it's Sam Campbell!
02:24Hiya, Sam.
02:25Guy, I have a confession to make.
02:27Oh!
02:28Oh, goodness.
02:29Oh, this has been eating me alive.
02:31What's going on?
02:31Oh, God, this has been weighing heavily upon me.
02:34I just have this feeling
02:35that we can expect to see amazing words,
02:39bigger scores and even bigger laughs
02:42and so much chummy fun this season of The Spelling Bee!
02:46Is that OK?
02:48Sam, Sam, stop!
02:50That's perfect!
02:51That's great!
02:51We love that kind of thing.
02:53Oh, Mr Montgomery, thank you!
02:55Oh, Mr Montgomery is a kind, kind man.
02:58Please, thank you so much.
02:59And we're going to see lots more of Sam
03:01as the season goes on.
03:03But in the meantime, let's get spelling!
03:05Woo!
03:10While we've got a brand new assistant,
03:12it's impossible not to notice
03:14we've got the same old first round.
03:16The Spelling Round.
03:17In front of me are three vessels
03:18absolutely brimming with words and possibility.
03:21Words from family favourite The Coward's Cup
03:23are straightforward spelling words.
03:25Take one of these and spell it correctly,
03:26you'll be rewarded with one point.
03:29Words taken from the slightly more polarising person's purse
03:32are more challenging,
03:33the type that kids and dense adults might struggle with.
03:36And as such, a correct spelling of one of these
03:38will earn you two points.
03:40Words from the often-aligned bucket of bravery
03:42are for people with a burning desire
03:44to look stupid on television.
03:46Choose one of these and spell it correctly.
03:48Well, congratulations, my friend.
03:50You've proven me wrong
03:50and earned yourself a whopping three points.
03:53And up first is a published author,
03:55two-time Gold Logie nominee
03:57and a familiar face not just to ABC audiences
03:59but also, and especially,
04:01Mr and Mrs Denton.
04:03It's their progeny, Andrew Denton!
04:06Thank you, Guy.
04:07Thanks so much for coming on the show.
04:09How are you feeling?
04:10Well, I was good until you mentioned my parents,
04:12both of whom are dead, Guy.
04:15But no, let's not bring the evening down.
04:17Well, you should update your Wikipedia, man.
04:20So you actually, you appeared on this show
04:22in the last season
04:23offering words of encouragement for Julia Zomero.
04:26Yes.
04:26Now, did she offer any words of advice to you
04:28before your appearance?
04:29Yeah, she said,
04:30if they place me nearest you,
04:32that's because you're the old guy and hard of hearing.
04:35So thank you.
04:36Thank you for doing that.
04:37It's no trouble at all.
04:38Sorry?
04:39No, I said it's not.
04:40Yes.
04:44Andrew, it's such a pleasure to have you with us.
04:46Which receptacle would you like to select from?
04:48Oh, none of them, Guy.
04:51No, look, you look bad if you go for the cowl's cup,
04:55so I'll go for the bucket of bravery.
04:56The bucket of bravery.
05:00From the bucket of bravery, Andrew,
05:02your word is...
05:05Now, before you spell,
05:08remember you can ask for a language of origin,
05:10a definition,
05:10or to hear the word in a sentence.
05:12Could I have it in a sentence, please, Guy?
05:14I was taken aback by her taut, pale skin,
05:18her perfectly smooth, nipple-less breasts
05:20and realistic thigh gap.
05:22She was absolutely pulchritudinous.
05:26And yet I knew I could never have her,
05:28because for reasons that still remain unclear to me,
05:30Zara, do not let you buy the mannequins.
05:38Could you just say the word one more time, please, Guy?
05:41Pulchritudinous.
05:42P-U-L-C-H-T-R-I-D-I-N-O-U-S.
05:48That is incorrect.
05:51Pulchritudinous is spelt P-U-L-C-H-R-I-T-U-D-I-N-O-U-S.
05:59Oh, pulchritudinous.
06:00Oh.
06:02No point awarded.
06:03I'm sorry, Andrew,
06:04but it's a joy to have you with us.
06:06And our next speller
06:07is a musical comedy superstar and published author.
06:10Half woman, half white, shallow pan
06:12with a tight-fitting lid
06:13designed for slow-cooking food and liquid.
06:15It's Michelle Brazier.
06:20So, you probably get that all the time.
06:21I get it all the time.
06:22It's actually on my Tinder bio.
06:25That's where I got the joke.
06:28Well, it says here,
06:29you've published a best-selling memoir,
06:32starred in musical theatre,
06:33sold out international comedy tours.
06:35I'm over here thinking,
06:35is there anything you can't do?
06:37And I've realised the answer is yes.
06:40Help an Aunty Donna sketch
06:41pass the Bechdel test.
06:45So, my question is,
06:46would you and Gillian like to have a quick chat now
06:48to break the cycle?
06:50Yeah.
06:50Hi, Gillian.
06:51Hello.
06:52I just wanted to thank you for that time
06:53where you got trapped in LA
06:54and I got to be in the Aunty Donna sketch.
06:56Yeah, they called the other girl.
06:57You talked about me and you failed the Bechdel test.
07:03So close.
07:04Let's give you the chance to do some spelling on TV now.
07:06Which receptacle would you like to spell from?
07:08A bucket of bravery.
07:09Really?
07:14From the bucket of bravery,
07:15your word is actually supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
07:22OK, I've never been in Mary Poppins,
07:24but my partner has,
07:25so I'm hoping it is sexually transmitted, the info.
07:29S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L-I-F-R-A-G-I-G-L-I-S-T-I
07:44-C.
07:48Wait.
07:49You're halfway.
07:50You're halfway.
07:51Keep going.
07:52Wait.
07:52Oh, it's expialidocious, the whole thing?
07:54Well, the whole thing is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
07:59Yeah, sorry.
08:00E-X-P-I-L-A-D-I-O-U-S.
08:10Um-de-l-e-l-um-de-l-a-I.
08:15That is incorrect.
08:19Aw.
08:22Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is, of course,
08:23spelt S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L-I-F-R-A-G-I-L-I-S-T-I
08:32-C.
08:33Had all that in hand.
08:35Well, that's where I thought we were stopping.
08:38E-X-P-I-A-L-I-D-O-C-I-O-U-S.
08:45A fine effort, but sadly, no points awarded.
08:48And our third contestant this evening is a published author.
08:51You may know from Netflix, Taskmaster,
08:53and even the blockbuster movie Wonka.
08:55Please welcome Phil Ware.
09:02It's a pleasure to have you be listening.
09:03Now, you're a very well-educated man.
09:04You, of course, went to Cambridge University.
09:06Man, it must really brass you guys off
09:08that Oxford have a way more famous dictionary than you guys.
09:13This year, I thought we had a good team this year.
09:16They got it again.
09:17I also have a tidbit here, which says,
09:20while you were at Cambridge, you also met Stephen Hawking.
09:23I bumped into him at a chocolate shop.
09:26I went to a chocolate shop in Cambridge
09:28to buy some chockeys for myself as a little treat.
09:31And then Stephen Hawking entered,
09:34and there was a big hustle and bustle.
09:36People were very excited.
09:37The manager went over and said,
09:38hi, Stephen, thanks for joining us at the chocolate shop.
09:40And then an intern came over very nervously
09:42with a tray of samples.
09:44And I swear to God, Stephen Hawking said,
09:46mm, freebies.
09:48I swear.
09:53He's allowed to do the voice because he's Malaysian.
09:58Well, Phil, how are you feeling about spelling tonight?
10:00It's been brutal watching these two
10:02get absolutely eviscerated by the bucket.
10:04So which receptacle would you like to spell from?
10:06Person's purse, please.
10:07Very sensible choice.
10:08Everybody try it.
10:10And from the person's purse, your word is...
10:13Pageant.
10:14Oh.
10:15Pageant.
10:16Can I have it used in a sentence, please?
10:17As I asked the 10th man in the auditorium
10:20which of the children were his,
10:21and he also explained he was just here to enjoy the show,
10:25I realised this was perhaps the last pageant
10:27I would enter my daughter into.
10:32OK, let's give it a go.
10:36I think it's P-A-G-E-A-N-T.
10:45That is correct!
10:48Two points for Phil Wayne.
10:50Congratulations.
10:51And our final spell of this evening
10:54hasn't written a book in her goddamn life.
10:57But we'll forgive her for that
10:58as she is our carryover champion from season two.
11:01Make her feel very welcome.
11:02It's the undefeated Gillian Cotscreen!
11:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:07So good to see you again.
11:09Now, you managed to knock off the Kirstie Wiebeck juggernaut
11:12to be with us this evening.
11:13So tell me,
11:14how long do you expect your reign to last?
11:16I, truthfully, with Andrew Denton here,
11:18I'm worried that I'm just going to start
11:19spelling out childhood memories.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:22You just look into his eyes
11:23and you want to tell him stuff.
11:25She's saying she used to watch you on TV.
11:29LAUGHTER
11:34Who are you all?
11:37You know, it's so good to have you back with us.
11:39Thank you for coming back to defend your title.
11:41And which receptacle would you like to spell from?
11:42Well, now that Phil Wayne has safely made it OK,
11:45I would also like the person's purse, please.
11:47A fine choice!
11:48APPLAUSE
11:50From the person's purse, your word is rudimentary.
11:54Rudimentary, OK.
11:55May I hear a definition?
11:57Pretty basic.
11:58Like that outfit, girl.
12:00LAUGHTER
12:02Obviously, you prepared that joke
12:04for a different contestant.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:06No, I riffed that one.
12:08LAUGHTER
12:11Um, rudimentary.
12:12R-U-D-I-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y.
12:16That is correct!
12:17CHEERING
12:18Two points for Gillian.
12:20And we are off to a promising start.
12:23But if you'll indulge me,
12:24a third season is an enormous milestone
12:26in the life of any spelling-based comedy panel show.
12:29And so, to mark the occasion,
12:31we thought we'd throw ourselves a little party.
12:33CHEERING
12:38And what is a party without entertainment?
12:41So, to help kick things off,
12:42please welcome our very own party clown,
12:45it's Sam Campbell!
12:48CHEERING
12:50LAUGHTER
12:55Hello, children.
12:57LAUGHTER
12:58Hiya, Sam.
12:59It's a pleasure to have you with us.
13:01Sure beats living down on the drains.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:04You live in the drains?
13:05Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
13:07And can I just say,
13:08I'd love for a certain Andrew Denton
13:10to stop flushing wet wipes!
13:13LAUGHTER
13:15Contestants, if you survey the party area,
13:17you will see we have four party games
13:19set up for you to play.
13:20And in this round,
13:21we'll first go down the line
13:22as you select which game you'd like to play.
13:25Once you've all made your choice,
13:26we'll get into it.
13:27So, Andrew, starting with you,
13:29which of the four classic party games on display
13:31would you like to play?
13:32I never had parties as a child.
13:35I'm sorry to hear that.
13:36Because, as mentioned,
13:37my parents were dead.
13:40You choose the piñata, OK?
13:41Just the moment, just break them.
13:42From the artist selection,
13:43Michelle, what party game would you like to choose?
13:45I can see the donkey.
13:46What are the other two games,
13:47or is it a secret?
13:48What else do you see?
13:49Parcel.
13:50Yeah.
13:50Pass.
13:51And in the centre, sort of...
13:53What is going on in the centre?
13:54Are you saying Mother's Puppet?
13:56I want to play that.
13:58You want to play Mother's Puppet?
14:01OK.
14:04Phil, two party games left.
14:06Which do you choose?
14:07Just because it's so coquettish,
14:09I'll go put the tail in the donkey.
14:12LAUGHTER
14:14And finally, Gillian, that leaves you with...
14:17Pass the parcel.
14:18Perfect.
14:18A fine choice indeed.
14:20So, moving on, Andrew, we're going to start with you.
14:22You've chosen the classic party piñata.
14:25Why don't you head on over to the party zone?
14:26Sam will help you get set up.
14:28These are your blindfold glasses.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:33LAUGHTER
14:36And just to clarify,
14:38God did design this piñata.
14:40It's not a piñata, I just want to be clear,
14:41that's an effigy.
14:43I...
14:44I so want to get out of here.
14:46Yeah, I think.
14:48Oh!
14:50Oh!
14:52Oh!
14:52Oh!
14:52Oh!
14:53Oh!
14:54Oh!
14:54Come on!
14:57I was nominated for a low here, now I'm best!
15:03Hey, Andrew.
15:05Yes?
15:05I won one.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:09LAUGHTER
15:12LAUGHTER
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13Let's talk, more smackin', boys.
15:16LAUGHTER
15:16LAUGHTER
15:18LAUGHTER
15:20LAUGHTER
15:22LAUGHTER
15:22LAUGHTER
15:23LAUGHTER
15:23LAUGHTER
15:23LAUGHTER
15:26You got him, Andrew, you got him.
15:27You got him, Andrew.
15:29You got him, Andrew, you got him.
15:30LAUGHTER
15:31All right, let's see what's inside.
15:33Tip it upside down, let's have a look.
15:36LAUGHTER
15:36Oh, my gosh!
15:38Why, that looks like...
15:39It's 30 pieces of silver.
15:42LAUGHTER
15:42You know, that's the very same price paid to Judas Iscariot
15:46in the Bible for his betrayal.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:48LAUGHTER
15:49Your word is Judas Iscariot.
15:54Judas Iscariot.
15:56J-U-D-A-S-I-S-C-A-R-I-O-T.
16:00That is correct!
16:01Yes!
16:02CHEERING
16:03Thank you, Sam.
16:05APPLAUSE
16:09Welcome to the scoreboard, Andrew.
16:10One point for your correct spelling.
16:12Well done.
16:13And let's see what's next on the party agenda.
16:16Step right up.
16:17It's donkey time.
16:19Oh, that's right.
16:20Children's classic Pin the Tail on the Donkey,
16:22usually played by many attendees,
16:24with the tail closest to the butthole,
16:26winning a prize.
16:27Good luck, Phil.
16:28You may approach the donkey.
16:29Oh, man.
16:32I'm a little nervous.
16:34I saw what you guys did to the last Asian guy
16:36that came up here.
16:39OK.
16:41OK.
16:42OK.
16:43That's pretty good.
16:47Oh.
16:52Oh!
16:56Oh!
16:59Oh!
16:59Oh!
17:01Oh!
17:04Oh!
17:06Oh!
17:06Oh!
17:08Oh!
17:08Oh!
17:09Thanks, everyone.
17:11Well, based on your successful placement of that tail,
17:14your spelling word, you'll be pleased to hear, is ass.
17:19I'm going to go with the classic.
17:21A.
17:22Double S.
17:23That is correct!
17:24Yeah!
17:26Thank you so much.
17:27Thank you so much.
17:32Another point for Phil Wayne!
17:34Yes!
17:36And now, what does our party clown have lined up for us next?
17:44Win one of us first.
17:46There you go.
17:47Ooh!
17:49There's a lot of gadgets behind here.
17:51Oh, yeah.
17:51Am I opening it?
17:52Pass this parcel up and down the line,
17:54and if the music stops while you're holding it, unwrap it.
17:57We'll unwrap until one person wins the prize.
17:59A maestro, if you please.
18:01Oh, my God.
18:02Oh, my God.
18:32I'm going to argue, it's fine, I don't know what's up.
18:38Let's see what he won.
18:43It's nothing!
18:50OK, OK.
18:55It's nothing again!
19:07Go for it!
19:10Lucky girl.
19:13Yeah, it's still nothing.
19:14It's nothing, it's nothing.
19:22Oh wow!
19:24Well now that is some good fortune, it was your game to play!
19:30Oh no, oh no!
19:33Oh, well well well!
19:35You've unwrapped the world's most famous three-dimensional combination puzzle.
19:39A Rubik's Cube.
19:41Fun to look at, fun to play, yet somehow not a surefire way to impress the ladies at the Year
19:459 School Disco.
19:47The inventor of the cube and your spelling word is Ernie Rubik.
19:53Um, E-R-N-E-R-R-U-B-I-K.
19:59That is incorrect, I'm sorry.
20:02It's bound to be.
20:02Ernie spelled E-R-N-O-R-U-B-I-K.
20:07No point awarded, but the cube is all yours.
20:09And finally, Sam, it's time for our last game.
20:12What have you got for us?
20:13Mother's Puppet.
20:14Oh that's right, yeah, it's Mother's Puppet.
20:17What is Mother's Puppet?
20:18It's for when no-one comes to your party and even your own mother has to duck out to see
20:23Jonathan.
20:25But don't worry, Mother's Puppet will always be there to supervise and save the day.
20:30Guy, it's Mother's Puppet!
20:36Have you played Mother's Puppet, Michelle?
20:38Plenty of times.
20:39Oh, okay.
20:40Well, please head on over and show us how it's done.
20:47Hello Michelle.
20:48Hi, Sam.
20:50Good to see you.
20:50How are you?
20:51You know I was better before.
20:52Michelle?
20:53Yeah.
20:54Oh, well what are you waiting for?
20:56Chuck on Mother's Puppet.
21:04Michelle, okay, so here's how it works.
21:06I'm me and your Mother's Puppet and I'm up in my room, I'm playing and I haven't put away all
21:11my toys.
21:12But luckily Mother's Puppet is there to make sure that I'm very tidy because Jonathan does not like me!
21:18He doesn't like it!
21:21Um, hey there, remember to put away your toys, Jonathan would be very sad, maybe you'll let you go.
21:31Sorry Michelle but that's just not right at all.
21:35Mother's Puppet is way more malevolent.
21:38Okay.
21:38And she has a deep smoker's voice.
21:41Listen to me kid!
21:42Oh, that's good.
21:42If you screw this up one more time, I'm gonna take your mom and I'm gonna take your-
21:47Even me, not even me.
21:48I'm gonna take your mom and I'm gonna tell you why your dad really left!
21:53You filthy little clown freak, you'll never be having shit!
21:58It's Mother's Puppet!
22:05Wowee!
22:05Well, thank you Sam so much for sharing and Michelle so much for playing.
22:10You showed remarkable mental and physical dexterity under what I would describe as challenging circumstances.
22:17And your spelling word is puppeteer.
22:20Okay!
22:21Uh, P-U-P-P-E-T-E-E-R.
22:27That is correct!
22:33A point is yours!
22:36And so concludes our third birthday party.
22:39Thanks so much for all your help Sam.
22:41Any plans now?
22:42I'm gonna get cleaned off.
22:43Can you believe this studio only has showers?
22:46Mother's Puppet likes to bae!
22:50Give it up to Sam Campbell!
22:54And if he's gonna be a new Sam, I think I might become a new guy.
23:03Nicknames, or Nicholas names, are the affectionate names we coined for those we love.
23:07Sharon becomes Shazza.
23:09David becomes Davo.
23:10The man I waved through in traffic this morning who didn't acknowledge me becomes the most ungrateful c*** alive.
23:17For too long, I've been known only by my stage name, Guy Montgomery.
23:22And I think I'm ready for something snappier.
23:24Contestants, your job is to coin a new nickname for me.
23:28The best correctly spelled nickname wins one point.
23:32Pens on pads?
23:32Oh.
23:33Get into it.
23:34And while they're doing that, let's hear from tonight's sponsor.
23:37Tonight's episode is brought to you by...
23:39Conjunctions!
23:42Short sentences, just not cutting it.
23:44Wanting to tell someone you're doing two things today in one efficient sentence?
23:47Well, why not try conjunctions?
23:50The glue of language.
23:51We promise they'll revolutionize your use of language or your money back.
23:56Which is a conjunction, by the way, yeah.
23:59Not the part where I said your money back, but the part where I said or.
24:03And now also the part where I said but.
24:05And most recently, both times when I said and.
24:08They really are the Pringles of language and that once you pop, you simply can't stop.
24:14Conjunctions, the glue of language.
24:19Alright, that's your time.
24:22Let's find out my new name.
24:24And we'll start with Jillian.
24:26I wanted to give you a nickname that feels relatable and comforting,
24:29but also vaguely like a Mexican franchise.
24:32Okay.
24:32Um, so I've gone for Guzzy Moz Guzzy.
24:40Lovely.
24:40Inspired by any restaurants you can think of?
24:42I couldn't possibly say.
24:43Okay.
24:44Phil, what have you got for me?
24:46Well, I find with nicknames around surnames, especially in Australia,
24:50they always centre around the first syllable, like Monty,
24:54or the end syllable.
24:55But the middle letters don't really get much of a look in.
24:58So I've gone for the middle ones.
25:00I'm the gay!
25:02Yeah!
25:04Never seen it before.
25:06Rolls off the tongue.
25:07Michelle.
25:07Okay, so you know how in Australia we usually will use like slang for things that rhyme,
25:12like tomato sauce, dead horse.
25:14You've heard that.
25:15It's normal.
25:16So, just on the topic of dead things, I've gone guy, guy rhymes with die.
25:21And so I've gone, like, who's dead?
25:23And so I've gone Andrew's dad and mum R.I.P.
25:29For...
25:34Andrew, how are you doing there?
25:36Um, not so well.
25:39I, uh...
25:41I've come not to like you a lot tonight, Guy.
25:44And, uh, so I haven't really gone with your surname so much as who you are.
25:48Huh?
25:49I guess it's picking up on a theme.
25:50I just went with old parent-killing guy.
25:54Do you mean to tell me when you arrived at the studio tonight your parents were alive?
26:03Will you stop bringing up my parents?
26:06Okay, so going down the line again, hold them up for us all to see.
26:11They're all awful.
26:13Uh...
26:13But, for some reason, Ontki feels the most like a nickname.
26:17So, well done, Phil Wang.
26:18You've won yourself a point.
26:21Courtesy of old Ontki over here.
26:23And now, I'd like to make an offer to each and every one of our contestants.
26:28And it's one that you can refuse.
26:31APPLAUSE
26:35For this game, I have prepared for each of you a word that is bordering on unspellable.
26:40If you somehow spell that word correctly, you'll earn yourself a healthy two points.
26:45So far, so straightforward.
26:47Well, slow down there, cowboys and girls.
26:49Before you try to spell your effortful expression, I'm happy to give each of you an offer you can refuse.
26:55That offer being a comically straightforward spelling word.
26:59To access this easy word, all you'll have to do is open the manila folder in front of you
27:03and read whatever you find inside straight down the barrel of the camera.
27:09And what exactly is in the folder?
27:11Well, there's only one way to find out.
27:13Once you've opened the folder, there are no takesies, backsies.
27:17The only way forward is through.
27:19First up, it's Andrew Denton.
27:21And Andrew, your spelling word is...
27:26..praseodymium.
27:27You better make that statement, Denton.
27:34Is that the person that killed my parents?
27:41I will take the statement.
27:44Thanks, Guy.
27:45Wow, it's long.
27:48I'm Andrew Denton and I've been robbed.
27:52In 2008, and again in 2009, I was robbed of a gold logie.
27:57LAUGHTER
27:57I could handle losing once but twice in two years,
28:01and both times, to a woman?
28:04LAUGHTER
28:08Because I love women, adore women.
28:11Some of the people who laugh hardest at my jokes are women.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:15And when they aren't busy laughing, they make for exceptional cooks,
28:20cleaners, nurses...
28:21LAUGHTER
28:23LAUGHTER
28:23..and smoking hot models.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:28But for anyone to think a woman could in any way
28:31be better or more popular than me beggars belief,
28:34Kate Ritchie...
28:36LAUGHTER
28:36..more like Kate Pitchy.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40Rebecca, give me more like Rebecca,
28:42give me back my logie.
28:44LAUGHTER
28:44I lost to her?
28:47Rebecca, sweetheart, do the right thing
28:49and courier that trophy to my house.
28:51LAUGHTER
28:52I'll be waiting and if you want to deliver it by hand,
28:54that wouldn't hurt either.
28:57LAUGHTER
29:04Thank you for using your time on our show to speak your truth.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:08Andrew, your word is gold.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:14G-O-L-D.
29:16That is correct!
29:17CHEERING
29:18Two points are yours.
29:20How are you feeling, Michelle?
29:23Trepidatious.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:25Your word is...
29:27..dollicocephaly.
29:29No, it's not.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:32What's it going to be?
29:33LAUGHTER
29:35Yeah, go on.
29:36Everybody give it up for Michelle.
29:38APPLAUSE
29:41Don't read ahead, just take it from the top.
29:44OK.
29:45Woof, woof.
29:47Dogs, we all know them, we all love them
29:50and no-one loves them more than the hard-working men,
29:54women and they-them's who train greyhounds.
29:59LAUGHTER
30:01Greyhounds are like Bruce Springsteen.
30:03They are born to run.
30:05LAUGHTER
30:06They love it and I should know, I've got 20 of them.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:10That's right, I have 20 greyhounds and they're all rescues.
30:14Rescued from the monotony of living in a suburban environment
30:18and safely return to their natural habitat, the racetrack.
30:23LAUGHTER
30:24The cuck leftists who control the media
30:28and parliament have been running a smear campaign
30:31against soul-to-the-earth Australians like me
30:33to try and wipe out our livelihood and I'm not having it.
30:37Also, if they die during a race, why aren't we eating them?
30:42LAUGHTER
30:44LAUGHTER
30:44LAUGHTER
30:46Talk about leaving meat on the bone.
30:49I waive the remainder of my time.
30:52APPLAUSE
30:55Thank you, Michelle. Such passion.
30:58Yeah.
30:58And as a reward for your passion, your word is dog.
31:02LAUGHTER
31:02D-O-G.
31:03That is correct!
31:04APPLAUSE
31:06Two points are yours.
31:08All right, Phil.
31:11Let's do this.
31:12OK.
31:12Your spelling word is...
31:15Fremiceton.
31:17I'd love to spell that word.
31:20But there's something I need to get off my chest.
31:23LAUGHTER
31:23LAUGHTER
31:26APPLAUSE
31:27OK.
31:29This one goes out to my boy, Timmy Chalamet.
31:32LAUGHTER
31:34Have I done something to piss you off, brother?
31:37You asked me to be in Wonka to help the box office
31:39and I was happy to oblige.
31:41Sure, it was only one scene, but I think we made movie magic.
31:45I broke my arm for that movie and you said,
31:47while I was being put in the ambulance,
31:49that if I have any problems, I could come to you.
31:52Well, guess what?
31:53My arm might be better, but last time I checked,
31:56hemorrhoids are a problem, Tim.
31:58LAUGHTER
32:00A massive problem.
32:02Encasing my grunt hole.
32:05LAUGHTER
32:07I'm standing right here, telling you, begging you,
32:11message me back.
32:13If you want me to stop sending pictures, I'll stop.
32:17LAUGHTER
32:17If you want the pictures more zoomed in,
32:20I'll zoom them in more.
32:22LAUGHTER
32:23But the one thing I won't do is give up on you.
32:27Now, Gillian, get your sweet ass over here
32:29and help Papa Philly rub in his cream.
32:33LAUGHTER
32:38Phil, your word is ow.
32:41I'm going to go O-W.
32:42That is correct!
32:46Two points to Phil.
32:48And last but not least, it's the famously upbeat
32:50Gillian Cosgraf.
32:52Now, your spelling word is deepness sophistai.
32:57How upset will you be if I just try and spell...
32:59I'm not going, I'm going to... I have to know.
33:00Yeah?
33:00I have to know.
33:02It's up to you, all right.
33:03Gillian Cosgraf.
33:03APPLAUSE
33:06From the top!
33:09No!
33:11Come on!
33:13Not to be a bitch, but I'm not going to say my name
33:17because everyone already knows who I am.
33:20While many of you may know me for my legendary career
33:22as a musical comedian,
33:23a lot of others will also recognise me from my time
33:27in the cast of Harry Potter and The Cursed Child.
33:30During my three years stealing the show,
33:32I was lucky enough to play Moaning Myrtle
33:34and later Delphi,
33:35two incredibly powerful female characters
33:38who could only come from the mind
33:40of one of our greatest creative thinkers
33:44and foremost cultural critics.
33:46Shout-out, JK.
33:53Hey, ABC social media person,
33:56clip this next bit up
33:57and post it context-free on Instagram.
34:03JK Rowling is a queen.
34:06The J stands for just
34:08and the K stands for nose.
34:10She just knows stuff.
34:12I'm actually going to dinner with her in clavicular
34:14when we finish, so I better wrap this up.
34:17Free speech is the most important cause in the world
34:19and I have the clarity of mind to think this
34:22because I'm not vaccinated.
34:24LAUGHTER
34:30Thank you, Guy, for platforming me.
34:33LAUGHTER
34:36Thank you, Guy, for platforming me.
34:38LAUGHTER
34:39LAUGHTER
34:40APPLAUSE
34:40Thank you, Gillian.
34:40Your word is lady.
34:43LAUGHTER
34:45L-A-D-Y.
34:46That is correct!
34:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:50And now we know what these people stand for,
34:53why don't we partner them with some members of the general public?
34:56APPLAUSE
35:00A show without an audience is a cry for help.
35:03And an audience without a show is what you all were in the lobby 40 minutes ago.
35:07LAUGHTER
35:07But what happens if you bring these two disparate things together?
35:10Well, to help us find out, please welcome back to the studio,
35:13making his debut as a man going out into the crowd,
35:15it's Sam Campbell!
35:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:22Thanks, Guy.
35:23Appreciate it.
35:24Appreciate it a lot.
35:25What's going on there, brother?
35:26You're looking a little worse for wear.
35:28Come over with you, Guy.
35:30We used the wrong paint,
35:32and they put on the wig so tight,
35:34they said they're going to need to cut it off when the swelling goes down.
35:37LAUGHTER
35:38You have a great team, but the de-clowning process has made fools of us all.
35:43LAUGHTER
35:44You look awful.
35:47Are you sure you want to do this?
35:49My paws are screaming no.
35:51But the show must go on!
35:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:55Contestants, in this round you'll direct Sam to find an audience member
35:59you think has a name you'll be able to spell.
36:01Sam will usher them to the stage,
36:02they will tell you their first and last name,
36:05and then you'll have a crack.
36:06Can't say much fairer than that.
36:07Sam, away you go.
36:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:14And Phil, as you are currently leading,
36:16you have the honour of first choice.
36:19Um, that guy looks really sweet, actually.
36:21This fella? Yeah.
36:22Oh, please stand up. Here he comes.
36:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:28Well, I'm hoping that top is from your business.
36:32LAUGHTER
36:32I am a generic white guy.
36:34Not quite that generic, I'm so sorry.
36:36Right.
36:37Beautiful stranger.
36:38What is your name?
36:39My name is Dylan McGillivray.
36:42Ah!
36:43It was looking so good!
36:45Do your friends call you Dylan McGilly?
36:47They do.
36:48They also call me Dildo, it's a sad life.
36:50LAUGHTER
36:52My friends call me Aunt Key.
36:54LAUGHTER
36:57APPLAUSE
36:58OK, so, Dylan, I'm going to try D-Y-L-A-N.
37:04McGillivray.
37:05So I'm going to say M-C-G-I-L-L-I-V-R-A-Y.
37:13That is...
37:14Correct!
37:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:18Oh, my God!
37:20Well done, Phil Wang, everybody.
37:21Give it up for Dylan McGillivray!
37:24APPLAUSE
37:26Unbelievable.
37:27What a pull that was.
37:28What a thrill.
37:29I've never felt this alive.
37:30Very impressive.
37:31OK, moving on now to second place.
37:33That would be you currently, Jillian.
37:34Who would you like to spell?
37:35Am I allowed to pick one of the prisoners?
37:37I don't see why not.
37:39I would love to pick far right.
37:41You, my friend.
37:41Yes, hello.
37:42Hi.
37:43He might be far right.
37:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:50Oh, my God!
37:53Such a good scene with you two there.
37:56LAUGHTER
37:59Hello, my friend.
38:00What is your name?
38:01Nash A Church.
38:03And is that tattooed anywhere on your body?
38:06LAUGHTER
38:07First name isn't, but the last name is.
38:09Oh, how interesting.
38:11And can I get a look at Vic?
38:13Anywhere?
38:13Anywhere vaguely?
38:14Is it on the small of your back?
38:15LAUGHTER
38:16No, it's on the face.
38:17It's on the face?
38:18Yeah, it's on the face.
38:19May I approach the prisoner?
38:21LAUGHTER
38:23Yeah, I guess.
38:23I don't see why not, yeah.
38:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:28How are you?
38:29How are you? How are you?
38:30I'm very well.
38:31Oh, and I'm so glad I came over
38:32because I was going to get it wrong.
38:33OK, your name is Nash A Church?
38:36Yes.
38:36This looks like what I imagine
38:38a polyamorous sort of household.
38:41LAUGHTER
38:41You're our nucleus.
38:44LAUGHTER
38:47Nash A Church.
38:48A Church, yeah.
38:49N-A-S-H.
38:50Yeah.
38:51A-C-H-U-R-C-H.
38:53Yeah, that's correct.
38:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:56Thank you very much.
38:58APPLAUSE
39:05All right.
39:05You are currently tied for third place,
39:07but, Michelle, I'll let you select first.
39:09Who would you like to spell?
39:11OK, you look so excited.
39:13Could I have you, my friend?
39:15Yes.
39:15Oh, great.
39:16Excitable boy.
39:17Hello.
39:18How are you?
39:23If my granddad's watching me on TV right now,
39:26love you, Frank.
39:32Hi, honey.
39:33What's your name?
39:33Well, my name isn't honey, but...
39:36LAUGHTER
39:38LAUGHTER
39:42My name is...
39:44Daniel Cridland.
39:47OK, Daniel Cridland.
39:49Yes.
39:49And is that with an A or a...?
39:52LAUGHTER
39:52It's not that.
39:53D-A-N-I-E-L...
39:56C...
39:57R...
39:59E...
40:01D-L-A-N-D.
40:03You were so close.
40:05Well, I was joking.
40:06I was just joking.
40:07That was an E, I heard because that wasn't E,
40:10that is incorrect.
40:11So, how do you spell your surname?
40:13C-R-I-D-L-A-N-D.
40:18Daniel Cridland.
40:19Give it up for Daniel, everybody!
40:21Sorry!
40:21Thank you, Daniel.
40:22Sorry, Daniel.
40:24You should be ashamed.
40:25APPLAUSE
40:28OK.
40:29OK.
40:30OK.
40:31Andrew, the final selection.
40:32Who in this audience would you like to spell?
40:34Well, the gentleman with the cane.
40:36The very fancy cane.
40:37OK, very well.
40:38Welcome to the stage.
40:39The gentleman with the cane!
40:41CHEERING
40:45You should do a summer song.
40:46OK.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:48How are you going?
40:51Oh, yeah, really well.
40:51How are you?
40:53I'm all right, except for the cane.
40:54Oh.
40:56LAUGHTER
40:56Andrew, do you want to get involved in this?
40:58No, I don't want to interrupt the conversation.
41:01LAUGHTER
41:01You know, what is your name, sir?
41:04Andrew, I always thought you were a smart man,
41:06but you've gone out on a limb tonight, mate.
41:08Oh, no.
41:09The name is Greg Young.
41:12Oh!
41:20G-R-E-G-Y-O-U-N-G.
41:26Very close.
41:27Oh!
41:29Exactly right.
41:31LAUGHTER
41:33APPLAUSE
41:34Give it up for Greg Young!
41:36APPLAUSE
41:39Andrew, the point is yours.
41:41And a huge thank you to all our audience members
41:43for braving not just the spotlight,
41:45but also the company of Sam.
41:48And if I look at the scores,
41:49we currently have Michelle on three,
41:51Andrew on four,
41:52Gillian on five,
41:54and Phil Wang out in front on seven points!
41:58Not that any of that matters, though,
42:00because it's now time for our final round.
42:03CHEERING
42:08Buzz!
42:09It's what all of you are generating online
42:11for your brave statements from two rounds ago.
42:13But for the next five minutes,
42:14it's what you'll be doing with your buzzes.
42:17The buzz round is our all-or-nothing finale,
42:19in which I will read words at a pace from a themed list
42:22and you will buzz in if you think you know how to spell them.
42:25Spell the word correctly,
42:26that's plus one to your name.
42:27Spell it incorrectly,
42:28we'll remove a point.
42:30Michelle,
42:31you need help the most,
42:32so I'll give you the agency of choosing
42:33which theme you'll be spelling from.
42:36Will it be
42:37Pasta,
42:38Green,
42:39Famous Mice,
42:40or
42:41The Elderly?
42:45Famous Mice, please.
42:46We'll start upon my reading the first word
42:49and end when we are instructed to do so.
42:53Mickey.
42:53Andrew.
42:55M-I-C-K-E-Y.
42:56Correct.
42:57Speedy Gonzales.
42:58Jillian.
42:59S-P-E-E-D-Y-G-O-N-Z-A-L-E-S.
43:02Correct.
43:03Jerry.
43:04Phil.
43:05J-E-R-R-Y.
43:07Correct.
43:07Despero.
43:08Andrew.
43:09That is incorrect.
43:12Despero?
43:13Despero.
43:13D-E-S-P-E-R-O.
43:15Incorrect.
43:16Ratatouille.
43:17Jillian.
43:20R-A-T-A-T-O-U-I-L-L-E.
43:25Correct.
43:26Deadmau.
43:27Jillian.
43:28D-E-A-D-M-A-U-5.
43:31Correct.
43:32Stuart Little.
43:33Bill.
43:34S-T-U-A-R-T-L-I-T-T-L-E.
43:38Correct.
43:39Norman The Dorman.
43:40Andrew.
43:41N-O-R-M-A-N-T-H-E-D-O-R-M-A-N.
43:45Correct.
43:46Gus.
43:47Jillian.
43:48G-U-S.
43:49Correct.
43:49Beatrix Potter.
43:50Andrew.
43:51B-E-A-T-R-I-X-P-O-T-E-R.
43:54Correct.
43:55Mouseketeers.
43:56Andrew.
43:57M-O-U-S-E-K-E-T-E-R-S.
44:00Correct.
44:01Rats.
44:02Michelle.
44:06R-A-T.
44:08Correct.
44:09Looney Tunes.
44:10Andrew.
44:11L-O-O-N-E-Y-T-O-O-N-S.
44:14Incorrect.
44:16Itchy.
44:17Salt.
44:19I TCH Y that is correct
44:23and that's it that's all we're allowed to do and congratulations to Phil you've just won our first episode for
44:31the season
44:37and give it up for the man on debut it's Sam Campbell
44:44now with less vigour will you please accompany Michelle to sit upon the stool of reflection
45:02that's it that's our first episode please once more for all your contestants tonight
45:08Andrew Denton, Michelle Grazier, Phil Wang and Gillian Kotskrieg
45:13join us next time as Phil Wang takes on Frank Woodley, Shibana Aziz and Sarah Kiewicz
45:19for now you can call me Kai Montgomery because that's the name I was given at birth
45:22goodnight
45:23thank you
45:24thank you
45:29you
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