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  • 10 hours ago
Taskmaster AU S05E02

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😹
Fun
Transcript
00:04Where's the ball?
00:05No!
00:06Woo!
00:07Oh!
00:13I'm totally going.
00:14Yee-dee!
00:16Damn!
00:18Woo!
00:23Here you go, good boy.
00:24Don't make me chocolate, you!
00:28You're going to be like this today, aren't you?
00:39Hello and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41The game is simple.
00:43Five comedians do some shit at my behest in front of a virginal man with a whistle.
00:48One of them will get a trophy of my head and one of them will be executed in the car
00:53park.
00:54Ah, that won't be part of the show.
00:56I just assume from looking at Brett Blake that he's going to get murdered at some point.
01:00Mucking in tonight we have...
01:02Anissa Nandela.
01:05Brett the victim Blake.
01:08Celia Pakwala.
01:11Joel Creasy.
01:13And Perth's very own, Grove McManus.
01:19Now beside me it's the man who was turned down for Channel 10's buddy program.
01:25He's too old to be a little buddy and he obviously can't be a big one.
01:29It's Tom Cashman.
01:36All right Lissa Tom, hit me with a prize task.
01:39Our first task of course is a prize task.
01:41Each of our contestants have brought in a prize and the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five
01:45prizes.
01:46Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the best thing that can be
01:50safely concealed in your mouth at the start of an episode record.
01:58Okay, Brett, what have you brought for us?
02:07It's um, famous football player Warwick Capper's golden undies.
02:14Unwashed.
02:19That's pretty good.
02:20How did you get them?
02:21On eBay, surprisingly his career has gone really bad and he's selling everything.
02:25Oh, so they're his actual...
02:26They're his actual undies.
02:27Yeah, $27.
02:30Bad.
02:33Oh no.
02:34We haven't thought this through at all.
02:35Joel's desperate to talk.
02:38I thought Joel would have been used to speaking with a mouthful.
02:42He thinks they're Kylie Minogue's undies.
02:46They're not.
02:46Oh.
02:48Okay.
02:48Rove, what have you brought in?
02:52I just went with air.
02:54Oh.
02:57The task is the best thing.
02:59The life-giving oxygen that is all around us is very important.
03:04Warwick Capper's groin is also life-giving.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:13So Celia, what have you hidden?
03:16Oh God.
03:17Oh.
03:18Oh, that was grosser than I expected.
03:21It says a necklace that a stranger, a fan made for me that says somebody at Channel 7 has f***ed
03:27me.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:30Wow.
03:33So just to be clear, this is something that you said at the Logies.
03:36Yes.
03:37I was presenting an award, it was on Channel 7, and the autocue was incorrect, so I said the wrong
03:42award.
03:42And instead of being professional and smoothing that over, I said on live television,
03:48someone at Channel 7 has f***ed me before they were able to cut away from me.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:54And it apparently resonated with a lot of people, because it turns out someone at Channel 7 has f***ed a
03:59lot of people.
04:01Can I say, it's wonderful to be here at Channel 10.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:04Anissa, what are you concealing?
04:08Oh.
04:09Oh, oh.
04:11Don't judge me!
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13I have a poem, which is very difficult to read.
04:17This is a poem for you.
04:19Oh, for me?
04:20Yeah, the best thing I can do is a poem that...
04:22Oh, God.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:26LAUGHTER
04:31Dear Task Massa...
04:34LAUGHTER
04:35Your personality is a chandelier filling the room with lights.
04:39Your jokes are an assorted box of chocolate, each filled with delights.
04:44You are my favourite of the whites.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48Wow.
04:50APPLAUSE
04:56Did you like it?
04:57Yeah, I feel really flattered, but I feel like there are a few traps in there for me.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:01It's hard to be white and proud, if you know what I mean.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:05Joel, you've been waiting to show us what's in your mouth.
05:08Mm-hm.
05:09What have you got in your mouth, Joel?
05:11Mm-hm.
05:12Oh!
05:13Oh!
05:14Oh!
05:14Oh!
05:15Oh!
05:15Oh, Celia!
05:17Oh!
05:18Oh, Celia!
05:21You know what you did!
05:22Celia!
05:27I've had fake blood in there the whole time.
05:30Oh, my God.
05:31It was disgusting.
05:31I thought you had bad acting in there.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:38I did a year on Neighbours, thank you very much.
05:42So, while you were doing all that mime before, you had that ready to go?
05:46Yeah.
05:47OK.
05:48I was very gay.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:51All right, well, we need some scores here, don't we?
05:53Yes.
05:53I'm going to have to give one point to Brett, because it was not safely concealed.
05:56Much like Warwick Capper's cock while he was wearing that.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:02I'm going to give Celia two.
06:03I knew it.
06:03I should have thought this through.
06:04You bloody love the Logies.
06:06Yeah, yeah.
06:06You love her!
06:07It's because I think it is an institution that is beyond critique.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:12All right.
06:13Like, I'd prefer to make fun of the church, you know?
06:16LAUGHTER
06:16Well, guess what?
06:16Someone at the church me as well.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21APPLAUSE
06:25I'm going to give three points to Joel, because I love the entertainment.
06:28I'm not sure it was the best thing.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:32What?!
06:32Air's better than that, so four points to Rove.
06:35Anissa read out a very beautiful poem, which I...
06:37Yes, Massa!
06:40It was a very beautiful poem.
06:42It was easily the best thing, and it made me into a proud white man.
06:47LAUGHTER
06:49All right, enough of this half-assed live crap.
06:52Let's watch something people have put a bit more effort into, shall we?
06:55Sure.
06:55A big F you to any fans of individualism.
06:57It's our first team task of the season.
07:00CHEERING
07:13Hey, Tom.
07:14Hey, Anissa.
07:14It's my birthday!
07:16We're really celebrating, if so.
07:19Ah!
07:24Is that for me?
07:26Not yet.
07:27Do I have to say please?
07:28I'm pretty sure that was you, Tom.
07:30I'm not sure about that.
07:31Hello.
07:31Ah!
07:32Ah!
07:35Careful!
07:36Ooh!
07:36I hate balloons!
07:38Oh, my God, Rita!
07:39Whoa!
07:40Anissa, hello!
07:42My friend!
07:43May we hug?
07:44I would love a hug.
07:46Are you wonderful?
07:47Oh, my gosh!
07:48Oh, my gosh!
07:48Oh, my gosh!
07:49Oh, my gosh!
07:51Oh, my God!
07:52Oh, shit!
07:53Oh, my God!
07:55Hello!
07:55We're not...
07:56We're not supposed to pop them.
07:57Let's just leave this loser and go have some fun with balloons.
07:59Have a good time.
08:00Pink!
08:01My friends?
08:01I've got friends!
08:02Yes!
08:03I know!
08:03I'm not very good at this show.
08:04Oh, my gosh!
08:06I'm so bad at this show.
08:07Oh, good.
08:09What?
08:11Okay, am I...
08:12Do you want to read it?
08:12No, I can't even open it.
08:13I feel like...
08:14Yay!
08:14Pop the golden balloon.
08:17If you do a forbidden thing, you must don a piece of protective clothing from your mannequin.
08:23What does don mean?
08:24Um, like you're the boss of all the mafia.
08:27So we will have to go and commit crimes, chop off a horse's head, put it in a bed.
08:32Are you kidding?
08:33Like, cement shoes, throw someone in a river.
08:35If you do a forbidden thing again, you must do a spin with your hands by your side for
08:41every time you've done that forbidden thing.
08:43Fewest red balloons popped wins.
08:45Your time starts now.
08:47Well, we don't need to panic.
08:49Let's just, I guess, start to look for a golden balloon and if we...
08:55You've done a forbidden thing.
08:56Please don an item.
09:03Straight off the top there, I noticed that everyone was wearing earbuds except for Britt
09:06Blake.
09:07What were you thinking?
09:07Are you just going to tough it out?
09:08What?
09:11I'm actually deaf in one ear, so I was like, whatever, who cares if they both go down.
09:17Now, Rover, it was good to see you trying to help out the next generation of comedians
09:20by explaining what Don was by talking about The Godfather, a film from the early 70s.
09:26So, Anissa, have you seen The Godfather?
09:29Oh, no.
09:31No.
09:31So you didn't know what he was talking about?
09:33I had no idea, but I'm trying to make friends, so I was like, okay, that's nice.
09:36But also, it's not...
09:39Alright, well, I think we need some team names.
09:41Okay.
09:41I'm feeling inspired by commercial radio.
09:43I thought, Roe, you and Anissa could be called The Breakfast Show, because often,
09:46like, in commercial radio, they get someone very high profile and an unknown.
09:49So I feel like the other three, when they do a drive show, they get three people who
09:54would clearly never hang out together.
09:56So you're The Drive Show.
09:59The Breakfast Show and The Drive Show.
10:01Alright, Tom, let's get spiky.
10:04Call it a pop duo, because we've got both teams at once.
10:07Okay, what is a forbidden thing?
10:09Dunno, but we need a golden balloon to pop.
10:12Brett has done a forbidden thing.
10:14Please don an item on your mannequin.
10:16Okay, don't let any balloons out, you have to sneak out.
10:19Celia has done a forbidden thing.
10:21Please don an item on your mannequin.
10:24Joel has done a forbidden thing.
10:26Please don an item on your mannequin.
10:30Anissa has done a forbidden thing.
10:32Oh, you're a dickhead.
10:33There's spikes on this.
10:35Ah!
10:37What happened?
10:38They're sharp.
10:39No!
10:40Bad Tom.
10:41I think Helmut was a smart choice.
10:43Ah!
10:44Celia has done a forbidden thing.
10:45Wait, we don't get in trouble if we...
10:49Oh, I think he can't point.
10:52I can do the middle, and I'll look in this corner.
10:55Why are you thrusting?
10:57That looks so simple.
10:58Oh, jeez.
10:59Pop the golden balloon.
11:02Anissa has done a forbidden thing.
11:03I think the B word is a forbidden thing.
11:09Please don an item.
11:09This reminds me, I've got to get my hemorrhoids checked.
11:11I feel like it's going to be something very annoying, and it's...
11:14Brett has done a forbidden thing.
11:16Please don an additional item from your mannequin.
11:18Do not bend over.
11:19Oh!
11:20How will you know if we pop the...
11:23Sorry.
11:24Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
11:28Brett has done a forbidden thing.
11:30Please don two additional items from your mannequin.
11:33I'm running out of items.
11:35Oh.
11:36I found something.
11:37If you look down here, I have uncovered an arrow pointing towards Tom.
11:43Oh, you turn.
11:45It's a really small thing.
11:46Yeah, it's...
11:46Brett, what are you doing?
11:47Stop it!
11:49I did the thing.
11:50I didn't want to talk about it.
11:52I...it's...I got it.
11:53You did it?
11:53Yeah.
11:54I knew you were hiding it, you cheeky.
11:56Brett has not done the thing.
11:58There it is.
11:59Hiding in the corner.
12:01Enjoy this moment.
12:04No.
12:04They set this up.
12:06They have to sit through it.
12:07Almost done.
12:07Here we go.
12:09Woo!
12:11Woo!
12:12Woo!
12:13Woo!
12:14Hiya, waiter!
12:15Thanks, Scott.
12:16I did it!
12:17I did it, like, ten minutes ago, you idiots!
12:20Oh, my God!
12:22On and on, miss Victor Bond.
12:26Woo!
12:29Woo!
12:31Woo!
12:31Woo!
12:32Woo!
12:34So, just starting with the Drive Show, there were forbidden things.
12:38Did all of you feel like you were keeping track of the forbidden things?
12:40Celia was on to it quite quick with the balloons.
12:43I'm the girl one.
12:47In the drive show world, I'm the girl one.
12:49I'm the diversity hire.
12:52And I'm the fat idiot that does a secret sound.
12:56So just remind me, what were the forbidden things?
12:59So our contestants couldn't say the word balloon.
13:01You couldn't point.
13:02They couldn't duck below the balloons.
13:03The final one is that they weren't allowed to touch me,
13:06which no-one showed any interest of doing.
13:11So what are the scores? How do we score this?
13:13Well, so it's fewest pops wins.
13:15Yep.
13:15Our team of two had 32 pops.
13:18Our team of three also 32.
13:19It's a tie.
13:21I think they both seemed relatively average.
13:24So I'm going to give them all three.
13:25Okay.
13:26Yep.
13:30What are the scores in the episode so far?
13:32Well, Brett is in last place with four points.
13:35But Anissa's out in front with eight points.
13:39Well, that's it for part one.
13:41Time for a break so I can poke Tom Cashman with thumbtacks
13:45and see if he pops.
13:46We'll be back after this.
13:58Welcome back to Taskmaster,
14:00where we're going to find out which Australian comedian
14:02is the most...
14:04I don't know, it doesn't really matter.
14:05Lesser Tom?
14:06You've got a task for us?
14:08That I do, mullies.
14:13FNING
14:26Hmm...
14:27Little upskirt camera
14:28Nice.
14:31Can I enter?
14:32Sure thing.
14:33Oh ho ho!
14:34Why have you got swagger working hard are hardly working?
14:39Dude, oh, I'm gonna have an asthma attack in here. What?
14:44Why are you dabbing at me?
14:46Yeah, he's here. Yeah, he's a bit isn't he?
14:50Your words not mine, right
14:52Did it hurt when I fell from heaven? Yeah, yeah, keeping it real very nice
15:01Be cringe. Oh, you have been cringe before
15:04Most cringe wins. You have 25 minutes
15:07Your time starts now
15:10What makes me go, ugh?
15:12The Borat stuff is one thing
15:15Austin Powers stuff, all of that sort of
15:18Do I make you horny?
15:22I think you made that knob horny
15:23I made that knob horny, baby, yeah
15:27Public displays of affection
15:28Oh
15:28Taking a photo of themselves making out
15:31I'm gonna have to do that, aren't I?
15:32When a man hits on someone that is clearly not interested
15:35But they just won't stop
15:37That is cringe
15:38For the sake of this, I need you to be the woman
15:39I'm a 50-year-old man
15:41I should dance
15:42Do you have any children nearby?
15:47I know what the most cringes I've ever seen was
15:49So I'm gonna borrow you
15:51And then I'm gonna come back
15:52And it's all gonna make sense
15:54We don't have long, so I need you to hurry up
15:56And send out some invites
15:58Get cracking
15:59Coming back here
16:00You can relax
16:02There's no cars involved
16:03We can have our panic attacks later
16:05Oh!
16:11Um, Leser Tom
16:12I don't want to see you with swagger ever again
16:15It did occur to me that I was trying to be cringe
16:17In all those different ways
16:18But the one that I did for Brett
16:19I just seemed like a normal, confident man
16:22Alright, uh
16:23Brett, what did you mean by upskirt camera?
16:25What's that about?
16:27I haven't heard of them
16:28Oh!
16:29Are you more of a shoe mirror guy?
16:34Don't know what that is either
16:35Don't, I really
16:37Now, Rove
16:38I'm also a 50-year-old man
16:40And I can confirm that Austin Powers is cringe
16:44Rove did such a strong Austin Powers impression
16:47He broke the caravan
16:49It came out way too easily
16:51Way too easily
16:52Okay, Leser Tom
16:53Who do we have first?
16:54First up, in their attempt to be very nice at the task
16:57I refuse to do the voice again
16:58It's Anissa and Rove
17:04Woo!
17:05Let's get this party started
17:06Hey, everybody
17:07Sorry, I didn't bring any drinks for the bath
17:09But I just took one anyway
17:11Alright, we having a good time?
17:13Damn!
17:17Damn!
17:18Oh
17:20My name's Tom
17:22I'm, I'm Anissa
17:24Oh, delicious
17:25Smells like cocoa butter
17:26This party be skippity
17:28Yeah
17:29You know what I'm saying
17:30Turn the, DJ, turn the music on
17:32Hey, everyone
17:33I'm Jessica's uncle, Glenn
17:34I'm just here, uninvited
17:37But I thought, surprise
17:38What's a girl like you doing here
17:40By yourself?
17:41I'm not by myself
17:42I'm with friends, actually
17:42Can I be a friend?
17:44Let's get some
17:45Skippity toilet action
17:48Yeah, baby
17:50That's what my wife
17:52Would really like
17:53I'm scared to be vulnerable
17:55Someone like you
17:56It feels easy to let my guard down as a man
17:59We've been talking for about 2.5 minutes
18:01That's what I mean
18:01It's easy
18:03Can I get your number?
18:04Will it mean that
18:05You leave me alone?
18:08No, I don't want the number then
18:09Okay
18:10Come on!
18:11Let's get the party started
18:12Come on!
18:12Let's get some
18:13Get some riz going here
18:14Woo!
18:18I'm running
18:19But I'm not going anywhere
18:24Who wants to pick up a lady?
18:25Pick up my legs
18:26Pick up my legs
18:26Oh, my wheelbarrow!
18:28What?
18:29I'm not leaving here
18:30Without one dance
18:32Oh, that's great
18:33Put me down there
18:34Oh, sorry
18:35I just, I hurt my back
18:36Bop, bop
18:37Will you marry me?
18:38Marry you?
18:40I'll take care of you
18:41I'll leave you to it
18:42I'll leave you to it
18:43I'm going to go throw up in the garden
18:44Happy 21st, Jessica!
18:47Yeah!
18:48Blah!
18:49Oh, not very riz
18:54Thank you
18:55That was very cringe
18:56Okay, so, so, Anissa
18:58For you, being cringe
19:00Was a, a, a creepy guy?
19:02Yeah, just a guy
19:03Who can't take no for an insight
19:05He just keeps going
19:06So, is this based on personal experience?
19:08Have you had to deal with this?
19:09Yeah, I've had to deal with this
19:11But I also think
19:11I've also been that person
19:15It actually kind of looks a bit cool
19:16Why try that?
19:18It's like dodging all the no vibes
19:20Yeah
19:24Okay, now, Rove
19:25I feel like this was really
19:26Playing into your strengths
19:31I mean, it was amazing to watch
19:36I feel like you are the cringe champ
19:37I've got to play to my strengths
19:39As soon as I opened up
19:40I just went, I got this
19:41I took my time
19:41Oh, it was fantastic
19:42You were just constant entertainment
19:44That's why I got three gold Logies
19:51Alright, it's time for an ad break
19:53When we return
19:54We'll have some more comedians
19:56Being as cringe as possible
19:57And also the rest of the task
19:59See you then
20:11Welcome back to Taskmaster
20:13Where our contestants are battling it out
20:15In a fight to the reputational death
20:17Um, actually
20:19Your reputation can't die
20:20Okay
20:21Reputation lives on after death
20:25That's the kind of thing
20:26They're trying to do
20:27Up next
20:28It's Joel and Celia
20:30I'm going to do an art attack
20:31This is an art attack
20:33This is an art attack
20:34This is
20:35An art attack?
20:36No
20:37Ah, just art attack
20:38What's the most ick things
20:39People call each other?
20:40Partner in crime?
20:42Honey pumpkin
20:42My forever boo
20:43Art attack
20:44It was that show back in like
20:45The early noughties
20:47Late nineties
20:48And you would do like
20:48Big writings on the ground
20:52Hang on
20:53I'm going to change it round
20:55How the f*** do people do this?
20:57How do they do it?
21:02How good's that?
21:05Did I get it?
21:06I hate this
21:07I hate this so much
21:10Some people might say
21:11The bongos are a bit cringe
21:13You've got one minute and 49 seconds
21:14Oh shit, do I?
21:15Shit, shit, shit
21:16Go on, get it out
21:18That looks good hay
21:20Imagine that from up top
21:22This is an art attack
21:23This is an art attack
21:24This is
21:25Art attack
21:27Ta-da
21:29Look, I'm being cringe
21:30Tom, can you be part of the A?
21:32Okay
21:32Oh, oh
21:33Oh, that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen
21:37I hate it
21:37Oh, I'm cringing
21:39Now tell me some of your stand-up
21:40Um, diarrhoea
21:42Very difficult to spell
21:43Diarrhoea
21:44Very difficult to spell
21:45Very easy to push out of your arsehole
21:47Very easy to push out of your arsehole
21:52Gross
21:54Okay, so it has to be
21:56Uh-oh
21:57Out with my forever partner in crime
22:01Hashtag so in love
22:02Hashtag blessed
22:03Hashtag candid
22:04Hashtag so in love
22:06Blessed
22:06A lot of blessed
22:07Okay
22:07Blessed, blessed, blessed
22:08Heart, heart, hearts
22:09I hated that thoroughly
22:11But I love love
22:12Just keep it to yourself
22:13I'm quinging
22:17And what do we say?
22:18This is an art attack
22:19This is an art attack
22:20This is
22:21An art attack
22:23No, it's just an art attack
22:24Oh, okay
22:25Thanks, Joel
22:25See ya
22:26Have fun cleaning up
22:35So Celia, what were you going for there?
22:37I hate public displays of affection
22:39Particularly when people post them online
22:41Particularly
22:41This was a specific thing that I remember
22:43Is people who post photos of
22:45Like a selfie of them making out
22:47A friend of mine once posted a picture of himself
22:50On the beach in his Speedos
22:51And he said
22:52Missing grandma
22:53Hashtag one year today
22:57PDA is pretty cringeworthy
22:59But like having PDA with a pretend boyfriend
23:01Is that how you were trying to elevate it?
23:02My choice was mannequin or Tom
23:04So
23:04Mannequin
23:05Ew
23:06Ew
23:07I was right there
23:10Could have been more cringe
23:11Everyone at home would have been imagining his prickly little face on their lips
23:16Imagine explaining to my boyfriend and father of my child that it's not cheating because it was cringe
23:25That's the thinking
23:27Now Joel, I put it to you that you just wanted to do an art attack
23:30I really
23:32I'm not sure it had much to do with cringe
23:33Well, people tell me I'm cringe all the time no matter what I do
23:37So there were so many options
23:38I figured
23:39Why not do an art attack
23:41And use some of Tom's material
23:46And what's cringier than leaving it for the crew to clean up after?
23:50I actually felt terrible
23:51But so you just left all the mess there because you thought that would be cringe to have other people
23:55clean up after you
23:56And with all the other tasks you help the crew tidy up
24:01Um, yeah
24:04Yeah, well, that was, that was, you know, it was good, it was good
24:08It was, be cringe, I wrote it out, didn't I?
24:10I know, but you missed an opportunity there
24:12Because the whole point was to be cringe
24:15And you even spelt out be and cringe
24:18And you put yourself in the word be
24:22You could have literally been cringe, but instead you be'd be
24:30I'll pay you that one
24:31Yeah
24:33Very good point
24:35All right, well, that's, I'm glad you gave yourself a one
24:39Oh, come on, all the crew had to clean up
24:42Give it for, do it for the crew
24:45I don't give a f*** about the crew
24:49All right, Cashman, uh, put me out of my misery
24:51The cringiest thing to him is a normal haircut, it's Brett Blake
24:59Yeah, ready for another one
25:01Where the bloody go, do another task
25:04Yeah
25:05Is that what I sound like?
25:07I do whatever the f*** I want
25:12Yo, it's Tom
25:14Come on in
25:15The world's most sexiest man
25:17God, have you been working out?
25:19I think that's what he said
25:20I don't like this on you
25:21Why do I sound like I've had helium?
25:23I do not sound like that
25:25You're up here
25:25Look, you're pissing me off as me
25:27And I don't like being angry at myself
25:29Because I like to be positive
25:30I bloody do what I want
25:31Yeah
25:31I bloody do what I want
25:32Yeah, I like this
25:34Let's go have some fun as Brett
25:35Come on, dude
25:36You're going to love this
25:37I'm not
25:38Because
25:38Oh, I'm a boring nerd
25:40Stick to time
25:42Kick that over the roof
25:43That's cool
25:45Oh, that was a good one
25:47I didn't give a hoot what effect that has on anyone else
25:49Kick that one over the roof
25:51Go on
25:51That seems like I shouldn't
25:54Just shut up and kick the ball
25:57Did you make it?
25:58Yeah, it went high
25:58Do this one
26:00Joke is it's really hard
26:01Oh, that hurt your foot
26:05Yeah, got ya
26:06That was sick
26:06Congratulations
26:08Congratulations to you, mate
26:09You have just won Taskmaster
26:11Yeah
26:12Now back to your room, you scallywag
26:14Oh, get on you, mate
26:16Get on you, mate
26:19Woo
26:21Give that guy a promotion
26:23Hell yeah
26:37Well, we're only two episodes in
26:38And I can feel a genuine resentment between you two
26:41Oh, it gets worse
26:43Um, so to be cringe was to be lesser Tom
26:46Lesser Tom was being the most cringe I've ever seen when he was pretending to be cringe
26:50So then I thought I would become him because that's the most cringe thing
26:55But then he became me and that pissed me off
26:58And then I got excited to meet myself and then we just kicked some shit over a house
27:01It was awesome
27:02And then I forgot what the task was, but we had an awesome time, didn't we dude?
27:05It was sick
27:06So, I think if anything that's worth at least three points
27:11Alright, well I should hand out some scores here
27:13Yep
27:14I mean, it just felt like such a missed opportunity
27:16Joel could have literally been cringe, but he was B
27:19So, one point to Joel
27:20Oh
27:21Two points to Brett Blake because it was really entertaining and not very cringey at all
27:25It was just a good old afternoon of fun, of bread on bread action
27:30Three points to Anissa
27:32I felt quite creeped out by your advances
27:35Four points for Celia
27:37Oh my gosh
27:37Because that was a very cringe photo
27:39But I feel like, you know, I've seen your Instagram, it just blended in
27:43Olympic level of cringe
27:45Rope, it matters
27:45Skibbity, skibbity
27:49Scotty Dale, that's five points
27:52Alright, if all that made you want to crawl off into a little hole and die
27:56Now would be the perfect opportunity
27:57We'll see you after this
28:10Welcome back to Taskmaster where five comedians are jockeying for Brett Blake's jocks
28:15Leza Tom, I believe it might be time to crack open a freshie
28:19A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
28:22That was said by philosopher Lao Tzu
28:241400 years before the pogo stick was invented
28:26How wrong he was
28:39Tommy!
28:46Hey!
28:47Hi, Brett
28:48That was a good one!
28:49Hello!
28:50Hi Celia
28:52I'm glad you're my real dad
28:55Me too
28:56What's happening?
28:57You'll see
28:58Do you want a banana?
28:59No thank you
29:00Okay
29:00Oh, Illuminati circle
29:04May I?
29:05Yes please
29:06Is that a beget?
29:08Is that a beget?
29:08A beget?
29:09No
29:10Is that what they call them?
29:11The French?
29:12Beget?
29:12Or am I mixing bidet and bread?
29:14I think that's exactly what you're doing
29:21Choose up to two items then travel the furthest on them
29:25My beget
29:28That's not what it's called
29:29Your journey must begin on the mat
29:31And once any part of you touches ground
29:35It's over
29:37Once you touch an item you must use it
29:39The furthest journey wins
29:40You have 15 minutes
29:42Your time starts
29:44Now
29:46Right
29:50So Anissa just to be clear it's not beget it's baguette
29:54Yeah
29:54And it wasn't one it's sourdough
29:58I'm the beget
30:01I said beget like 30 times and you just looked at me
30:05And didn't correct me once
30:06I corrected you so many times
30:09So just to be clear they've got two exercise balls
30:11A bucket, a rubber duck, a roller skate, a pogo stick, a unicycle
30:15And of course a beget
30:17But also Joel had all of those things but he couldn't see the two exercise balls
30:27All right
30:27Who's first up?
30:29Lisa Tom?
30:30Which one will go farther?
30:31Well maybe neither of them will call their father
30:32It's Joel and Celia
30:34Ah!
30:35Okay
30:35I'm gonna hurt myself
30:36Why?
30:37Because it's who I am
30:39Oh
30:39Have you met me?
30:40What am I gonna do with a bread roll?
30:42Have a snack?
30:43But maybe that won't work
30:44Ah!
30:45You've touched the ball
30:46That touched me!
30:47You must use the ball
30:48That was God's fault
30:49What's that called?
30:50A wheelie shoe?
30:51What are they called again?
30:52Ice...
30:53No skate shoes
30:54Ice skates?
30:55No I know
30:56They're called rollerblades
30:58I'm going to roller skate Tom
30:59Okay
30:59Oh it's not my size
31:01Oh no
31:02Oh no it's so small
31:03Oh no it doesn't fit
31:05Why did I pick this?
31:06Your foot fits perfectly
31:07Right?
31:08How convenient
31:09I think I'm gonna go the pogo stick
31:11My eyes are up here
31:12Okay
31:13Oh my god
31:14This could be a terrible idea
31:16Hold on
31:16Oh yeah no this is okay
31:19Look how far I've got Tom
31:21What could go wrong?
31:24Whoa
31:27Just a quick break
31:28Having a rest?
31:29Yeah
31:29I've got heaps of time
31:30Don't rush me
31:31How long have I got?
31:338 minutes and 51 seconds
31:34Oh I was hoping you'd say like 2 minutes
31:35Does this look as graceful as it feels?
31:38How graceful does it feel?
31:39Just checking in
31:39Not very
31:40This is a real career highlight for me
31:42Maybe I can head back towards the house
31:44Okay
31:44I think maybe I should go back to...
31:47Ah!
31:48Ah!
31:51You touched the ground
31:52That wasn't my phone
31:55Oh thank God
31:59How do you feel?
32:00Wrecked
32:01Alright
32:02Thanks
32:02Thanks Celia
32:03Thanks all
32:10So Celia I just wanna let you know we deliberately weakened that exercise ball
32:14Thank you
32:14So that that happened
32:15I just wanted you to know that
32:17Was it a lie I thought would make you feel better?
32:20Yeah cause they're supposed to like I've sat on one of those when I was pregnant and I didn't pop
32:24it
32:24I didn't pop it when I was two people and now I'm popping it when I'm one I need to
32:27go to the gym
32:28If you do don't sit on the exercise ball
32:32What was your thought process between choosing those two objects?
32:35Well God chose me with the ball
32:37It nudged the ball into me and I had no choice because of Stickler McGee over here
32:42And then I don't know I just thought the roller skate seemed like a sort of the closest thing to
32:46a vehicle
32:46It looked like a foot car
32:48Right?
32:50So Joel
32:51Why did you zero in on those two objects?
32:53Well I couldn't see both the exercise balls obviously so they were out
32:57So I put on the foot car
32:58Yeah
32:59Which was way too small for me
33:01And then for some reason I went with the pogo stick
33:03But I think I covered some distance
33:05Well I feel like you went quite a long way but then you got bored and then you came back
33:09Yeah, but it's not about that wasn't it just about meters?
33:12Well it's up to you but I think we should be counting how far you go in total
33:15Thank you. Thank you dressing room three. See you after the show
33:20To pay you! To pay you! I'm not gonna
33:24Just so you know in future when I'm saying things and saying opinions it's not for sexual favors
33:31Now you tell us!
33:32I know
33:34How far did they travel?
33:35Well Celia's perfectly fitting roller skate got her exactly 16.4 meters
33:40Oh!
33:40Joel's roller derby pogo approach got him 226.1 meters in total
33:50Okay Lester Tom, let's see someone else's stunted hectic journey across the backyard please
33:55They say the longest journey is the one between our heads and our hearts
33:58I hope this next guy gets further than that
34:00It's Brett Blake
34:01I think I know what I'm gonna do
34:07This is a boring challenge
34:10Task
34:12Shut up
34:14It's really annoying the van's over there
34:15Cause if I could get to the van and drive
34:18Yeah that's an idea
34:25You had tape prepared?
34:27Yeah
34:29Am I nailing this?
34:31Furthest distance traveled
34:33How far
34:35Is the next pub?
34:36We're not allowed to leave the property
34:38We don't have license plates
34:39Well then we get arrested by the police
34:41They take us to the police station
34:43What's that?
34:44Closest police station is 8 k's away
34:46I won
34:47No we can't do that
34:49Yeah I can
34:50Watch
34:50No we can't
35:00We can't get out
35:02Fair
35:04I think it's going to be furthest distance collectively
35:08So I'm just going to do this for 7 minutes yeah
35:11Woo
35:13Careful of the wood
35:14You're such a drama queen
35:15Have a look at me
35:17Do you think this mullet's fake?
35:18Do you think this is my first time doing this?
35:21Tom's having a panic attack
35:23Tom's having a panic attack
35:24Tom's having a panic attack
35:25The mullet makes me more worried
35:27Do you know what will make you really worried?
35:28If I close my eyes
35:33I reckon we got 3 k's in that
35:35What do you reckon?
35:35You think?
35:363 k's of donuts?
35:38Yeah
35:38I'll just park in that corner
35:39And then I think I've won
35:41Careful
35:44That's a win
35:46Next
35:48Taskmaster
35:49My ass
35:54Very good
35:55Fred I think your bogan intelligence really blossomed in this one didn't it?
36:00I think you're right
36:00I really think I excelled in that
36:02And Tom had a terrific time didn't you Tom?
36:05I was
36:06I was a bit scared
36:09I've never seen producers more worried than doing that task
36:12The stunt coordinator came with a fire extinguisher
36:15If they're not stunt coordinators
36:18What is he trying to do he's telling me off to?
36:21He's a health and safety officer
36:23Oh whatever
36:25I'll tell you what he is
36:27He's a god damn wet blanket
36:31Alright
36:31I think we have to know how far he went
36:34Well
36:34Brett did 17 donuts
36:36At approximately 27 metres circumference each we think
36:39Two trips up the drive and back
36:40That's 195 metres total
36:42Plus an initial walk of 47 metres
36:43Is 701 metres
36:47Wow
36:48Geez it doesn't get much better than this
36:50We'll have a break
36:51Because with great TV
36:53Comes great ads
36:54See you soon
37:07Welcome back to Taskmaster
37:09Where our five comedians are finally doing something
37:11I've been asking them to do for years
37:14Go far away
37:15That's right
37:15Our contestants are trying to go as far as they can
37:17Using only two items from the items in front of them
37:20Last up
37:20They're as far from each other as they can be
37:22On their chairs right now
37:23Is that a good omen or just boring?
37:25It's Anissa and Rove
37:27Can I
37:27At this present moment in time
37:30Just put it out there
37:31That no one's going to use the bread
37:33Who's using bread?
37:36I'm riding the beget
37:38Where's bread going to get you?
37:39You think I'm a fool but I'm smart
37:41In fact if someone does choose bread
37:45In my next task
37:46I will do the whole thing in falsetto
37:49I'm a genius
37:50I guarantee no one uses bread
37:52Bam
37:55Me and my beget
37:57I'm seeing a pogo stick
37:58Do you know the last time I jumped on a pogo stick?
38:01No
38:01Can't remember when
38:02Oh
38:02So that's going to be dangerous and fun
38:06Begay
38:07I choose pogo stick
38:09Me and you are going all the way Begay
38:12Okay
38:14Fudge
38:14Why are you breaking on me?
38:16I didn't think this through Begay
38:18How do pogo sticks work?
38:23What?
38:26I'm pogoing
38:27I'm pogoing
38:31Did I get to the pond?
38:33Not quite
38:36Taskmaster taxi
38:37Service ride
38:38This voucher entitles you to one free taxi ride from Tom
38:43Where do you want to go?
38:44Out of the property as far as possible please
38:47Yay
38:50Yee-haw
38:51I win
38:53You happy with this?
38:54Yes I win
38:56I stand by my call
38:58You're dead to me bread
38:59You're fine
38:59You're fine
39:00Thank you
39:00Anything you'd like to say to the others?
39:03Losers
39:04That's great
39:04I killed that
39:11What a contrast
39:13I feel like Anissa that was a real emotional rollercoaster
39:16At first you were like misidentifying the bread for ages
39:19Then we thought you were a real idiot for trying to use it to get somewhere
39:24And then things changed
39:26You guys couldn't see it none of you believed in me
39:29I knew the Begay was the way all along
39:37Now Rov I think you did a really good job too
39:41Of pretending you don't know how to ride a pogo stick
39:43Whereas I feel like that was right up your alley
39:45I think it says something about Bretonised personalities
39:49When he's just like laser focused on
39:51I want to get in the van
39:52And I'm like I want to bounce on a pogo stick
39:57Yeah I was getting real circus skills vibes from you
40:00Oh my god Tom
40:00The agonising thought I had wrestling in my own mind
40:04Do I go with the pogo stick or the unicycle?
40:06What a conundrum
40:07Now Lester Tom can you remind me what Rov said about that bread before the break
40:12If someone uses bread I will do the whole next task in falsetto
40:16Alright so how far did they get though?
40:19Rov travelled 8.2 metres
40:21Anissa travelled 4.2 kilometres
40:23Yay!
40:26Good day!
40:28So that means Rov gets one point
40:30Celia gets two
40:31Joel gets three
40:32Brett gets four
40:33But Anissa wins the task with five points
40:38Okay so what does that do to the scores for the episode?
40:41Well it changes them
40:45Let's go to an ad break
40:47What a cliffhanger!
40:49So Brett and Joel are in last place on ten points
40:51Celia has eleven
40:52Rov has thirteen
40:53But in the lead it's Anissa with sixteen points
40:58Okay well enough maths and numbers
41:00Get out of here everyone
41:02Go and do a live task for me
41:03Off you go
41:04Thank you
41:08Okay Cashman before we get into this next task
41:11Let's just remember that Rov clearly said that if anyone used bread
41:15He would do the next task in falsetto
41:19Okay who's going to read the task?
41:21That will be Joel
41:21Oh well done Joel
41:25Is that what falsetto is?
41:26It sounds like a jockey to me but
41:29Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:32ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:32ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:33ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:33ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:34ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:34ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:34ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:35ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:40ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:41ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
41:42ha
41:42disparity between silly face and serious story wins you have two minutes to paint your face
41:48then 20 seconds each to share a story your time starts now oh boy
42:02why are you painting other parts of your body job i'm getting to my face
42:09i think you've inspired celia yeah i'm probably oh piss off celia
42:17one minute left this is like an art attack is it oh then joel's gonna crush this
42:26i don't think so i'm gonna go back to my tits i'm gonna go back to my tips
42:32the tits are irrelevant you're irrelevant tits are never irrelevant how dare you
42:37seconds paint brushes down everybody paint brushes down
42:49anisa you will be our first storyteller oh no oh no she's gone white face
42:57i'd like to tell a story about um the time that i went to a pauline hanson rally and asked
43:05her to marry me
43:09and she said no
43:14which um would have made everyone pretty happy because she was sticking to her guns
43:23thank you anisa
43:25brad blake please step up and tell a serious story
43:29all right serious story oh um i've done acting before oh have you
43:38i'll do better than that um uh one of the hardest gigs i ever did was about 12 years ago
43:47i didn't even get to talk about my grandad going now i've just got dicks and on my face on
43:53tv for
43:54no reason celia please step up and tell a serious story great when my friend kelly and i um had
44:02to
44:02agree to put down our dog deirdre chambers um the vet went i made a face and we went what
44:08and she said
44:08oh i'm just looking at the monitor her heart beats faster when she hears you talking to her
44:24okay well uh we're going to be back soon with two more silly faces and hopefully some very
44:28serious stories after this welcome back to taskmaster we're about to hear some more serious
44:44stories by people who look like they've been vandalized by drunk toddlers that's right we've
44:49got two remaining contestants two serious stories to hear from our silly looking people joel creasy
44:53you're an axe thank you very much um i have been dumped many times in my life um the most
45:00probably
45:01hardcore dumping hence the incredible tears on my face uh well when i took a a man to see have
45:07you
45:07heard about the morgans a sarah jessica parker vehicle uh that bombed at the box office and he said
45:13he was going to get a chalk top and never returned and left me in the cinema on my own
45:19but it's revenge i
45:20hooked up with his brother
45:27rose mcmanus please step up oh i feel i'm already at a disadvantage but that's okay
45:33the most humiliating day of my life was when i was on the school camp first day of year 12
45:40and my
45:41girlfriend dumped me she told all my friends first before she told me then she wrote it in a card
45:47that
45:48says you're dropped and it was valentine's day
45:59all right well thank you so much for burying your souls get down here so we can allocate some points
46:09okay well i've got to give out some scores i'm thinking when it comes to the faces and the silliness
46:14they're all equally silly compared to the store the stories were all over the shop so i'm going to
46:19give uh one point to brett because he didn't really get his story out and i'm going to give two
46:23points
46:23to joel because it sounded like a serious story but then at the end it got quite silly i read
46:27the
46:27task though i should get an extra point for that i'm not giving out points for comprehension
46:34i'm going to give three points to anisa okay uh it was quite a silly story i suspect it never
46:38happened
46:38but i'm going to give four points to rove uh he was up against it he had a silly voice
46:42which distracted
46:43me from the story a little bit but it was very serious but i'm going to give five points to
46:47celia
46:47for dropping some dark shit after putting on some weird makeup thank you
46:56that that five points really makes killing my dog worth it
47:02all right mr numbers what does that mean for our overall episode score well brett is in fifth
47:08place with 11 points but anisa wins the episode with 19 points all right congrats anisa get up on
47:15stage to claim your five mouthfuls of prizes well what have we learnt brett learnt that a stunt
47:23coordinator and a health and safety officer aren't the same thing and we all learnt
47:29rove can austin powers so hard he can break a caravan one more congratulations to our episode
47:36winner anisa are we still on air thank you might have lost my tiny mind
48:00take that year eight english teacher i did it joe were you just repeating material i'll learn from the best
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