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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Season 29 - Episode 03: Jon Richardson & Judi Love, Rob Beckett & Miles Jupp, Róisín and Chiara
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. G. Kerr!
00:07Yeah.
00:08Sure.
00:09Thank you very much.
00:10Yeah.
00:11Sure.
00:11Oh, nothing.
00:13We'll be doing this, OK.
00:14So, Go Wild and Crazy 4, Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40Alright, let's roll the titles.
01:15Hello and welcome to edit of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:34and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:50sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:52I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57My poor girls.
01:58Everyone's always coming for my girls.
01:59Girls.
02:00Your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:06Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he paid good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:22LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:30Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:38APPLAUSE
02:42You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:45Yeah, I do want to see you naked.
02:45I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:47Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:52You should do this.
02:54No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Jimmy.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
03:00Jimmy.
03:00Oh, no, if you were all...
03:02Oh, if you were all out for this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:06I think it would be too much.
03:07I still...
03:08I don't think it would be too much.
03:09Mate, what?
03:10I think it would be some.
03:13And joining Rob tonight's Myles Jug.
03:14Good luck.
03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:17Thank you, Jimmy.
03:20Miles has five children, which must be exhausting for his staff.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jug.
03:35Uh, gosh.
03:36Well, I like to get up early, be first down to the kitchen.
03:39Uh, fix myself a quick, um, roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44Then it's breakfast, where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run.
03:50Usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:52Then it's Eleventies.
03:54Um...
03:55Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden.
03:57Uh, maybe going to town, do some shopping.
03:58Butchers, a veg shop.
04:00Um, come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03To set me up for lunch.
04:05Then I watch Loose Women.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:07I save the gravy for then.
04:09And then that's, er...
04:13That was clearly filthy.
04:14I wasn't expecting that.
04:15Um...
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah.
04:21My pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:25John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel for a day, who would you pick?
04:29God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:34LAUGHTER
04:37Genuinely, I'd have you for a day, I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:41I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46It's all replaceable.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49I'd like to be Rachel, cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:56I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00Erm...
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:08Coming across?
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:11Oh, OK.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:13How quickly the gap eradicates between the thought and the speech.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:25Judy, you...
05:25Do you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29When people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:33When people go, oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what, because I've got a food bar and I haven't seen my family for years?
05:37Like, they find it really...
05:40Because you've got to do what?
05:42You can only say it to big girls.
05:43Because you've got to do what?
05:44A food bar, a food bar.
05:46It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:48It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yeah, then backhand compliments get on my flippin' nerves.
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er...
05:59Had a career as an unsuccessful one?
06:01No.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07OK.
06:08Miles, have you got a mascot?
06:10I have, actually, yes.
06:11So, I was sent a book to have a look at, and not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a...
06:17For the author, it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:20It's called Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:24LAUGHTER
06:25Oh, yes, yes.
06:26You must know, your agent sent it to me very kindly,
06:29and really, just about another set of eyes.
06:31Give a bit of feedback.
06:33I'll put most of it in an email, but a few thoughts did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:39Chapter one.
06:40Every day, I have nine soft-boiled eggs for my breakfast.
06:43They always go straight through me, but it means I get another chance
06:48to see my golden toilet.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:51I'm only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands of a waiting servant.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:57I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Oh, here we go.
07:03I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end,
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Some animals that you may be surprised to hear actually hatch from eggs.
07:11So this is a strange chapter.
07:15Um...
07:15Chickens.
07:16I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:20Um...
07:20Cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:23Um...
07:23Minor royals, it says here.
07:26Um...
07:27Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Uh, you've written Winnipeg.
07:32That's it.
07:33It's only got one G for a start.
07:34And then it says,
07:35The rest of this page has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39That's 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That's absolutely shameful.
07:42But look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48Miles Young, everyone.
07:51Uh, John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:53I don't mind the jokes about me being little and having a small penis
07:57and going bald, all that stuff.
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:04I just...
08:05I've had enough.
08:06I'm going to...
08:07I'm just going to do something different tonight so that you can't hurt me.
08:10So...
08:11I'm just...
08:12I give less of a shit.
08:13So...
08:13What was that?
08:15Um...
08:15That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:17Oh, I've dropped something.
08:21I'll start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:23Oh, wow.
08:24That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33Um...
08:33A naughty boy?
08:34Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:40Over the cardigan.
08:41Over the cardigan.
08:43Over the cardigan.
08:46All right.
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Oh.
08:50Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:53Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Um...
08:56Just in case you're thinking of picking on me.
08:58Woo!
09:01We're working out.
09:02Get these guns pumped.
09:04You know that?
09:05Oh, God!
09:06Yeah.
09:06Yeah.
09:06Yeah.
09:07Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:09Where did we find weights that small?
09:12Oh, wow.
09:15Wow.
09:15You see?
09:16How would you check me out, then, in this kind of...
09:18One brother, mate, let you come to me, innit?
09:19Oh!
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:40It's got a rubber tip on it.
09:42Someone's glued it.
09:43It's still got a rubber...
09:44It's still got a rubber tip on it, yeah.
09:46It's got a rubber tip on it, yeah.
09:47Take it.
09:50Take it first, John.
09:52Yeah.
09:54Have another crack, yeah?
09:55Here we go.
10:00What flavour's that?
10:02Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:05Slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock, but...
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11That's good.
10:12Whoop.
10:14He's over.
10:15Oh, wow.
10:16APPLAUSE
10:22What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:29Oh, no.
10:31APPLAUSE
10:36Whatever.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:39Rob, have you got...
10:40Have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, something I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, because I've got quite green-fingered.
10:51Um, you could actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really?
11:00What have I got?
11:00Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:02What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here, so I've got this one.
11:10This is the first one I did, cos it's sort of quite tricky.
11:12So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:19So, what do you think, Miles?
11:21I think very, very tempting, yeah.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:25Yeah, so I did that one first.
11:28And then this one, it's the second one I worked on, which is, um...
11:36What do you think?
11:37That, that, that is...
11:39Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
11:41It's really twitching.
11:42No, it's absolutely, it's absolutely terrific, this, actually.
11:45Yeah, this would adorn...
11:46Well, any tabletop, really.
11:48I think, exactly.
11:48Or bottom.
11:49Or...
11:49Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:53Oh, nice.
11:58Well, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Roisin and Kiara.
12:02APPLAUSE
12:04It's your first time on the show, we're thrilled to have you here.
12:06Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:08Hmm.
12:09Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, uh, sort of...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelvis, a bit more
12:23sort of...
12:23Ha!
12:25Rumpf!
12:25Ha-rumpf!
12:26Ha-rumpf!
12:26Ha-rumpf!
12:30You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
12:33Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
12:37Let's get ready to rumble!
12:45Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:50And with them, of course, it's, uh, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:53APPLAUSE
12:57Susie Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:05Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:07Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang for Radio 4.
13:12Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang,
13:16cos Wang Ka is what loads of people call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21APPLAUSE
13:25Nice.
13:26But Miles has been on it.
13:27He was fab.
13:28Yeah, they're very kind.
13:29Yeah, you were.
13:30OK.
13:32What's the podcast about?
13:34Um, it's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on,
13:37and come up with...
13:38Giles?
13:39She means Giles Grandreth.
13:40What did I call you?
13:41You called me Giles.
13:42Giles Mup!
13:43Yes, essentially.
13:44I'm so sorry.
13:45Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:48He very gratefully came on the show.
13:50He came on the show.
13:51Very memorable guy.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54OK.
13:55In charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
13:58APPLAUSE
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing,
14:03the search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:06Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people.
14:10I've met the king.
14:11I've met David Beckham.
14:13Mmm.
14:13And also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:18Yeah, roll back it.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20Only up to 1999, though.
14:23As soon as drum and bass came in, I gave up.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:26OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:45OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54Erm...
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:58Erm...
14:59Could that also be a G?
15:01LAUGHTER
15:04That is very good.
15:06That is very good.
15:09Er, I'll have another consonant.
15:12Is that the way this works?
15:12Would you like three of each?
15:14Er, three of each until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:18OK.
15:18In front of my lead.
15:19P.
15:20And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:23LAUGHTER
15:24A, yeah.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26OK.
15:27Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:29Er, another vowel.
15:31O.
15:32You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:34OK, cool. Consonant, please.
15:36Yep.
15:36T.
15:37Erm, another vowel.
15:41I.
15:41And then consonant, please.
15:42And the last one, L.
15:43And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:48Oh, is that...
15:51Frabio.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Thanks.
15:56Fuck your thing.
16:04You all right?
16:05Just don't look at Susie, mate.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:09I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:20LAUGHTER
16:21LAUGHTER
16:37Um...
16:38LAUGHTER
16:38LAUGHTER
16:39Um...
16:39I've got, er, seven.
16:41Seven.
16:42Impressive.
16:43John, how many?
16:44Would I risk a nine, Susie?
16:45No.
16:46No, I wouldn't then.
16:48Awww.
16:49Susie haven't got it.
16:50It's not in there, is it?
16:51I'll stick with a seven as well.
16:52Judy?
16:53Five.
16:54OK, what's your five?
16:55Plate.
16:56Rob, your five?
16:57Petal.
16:59Petal?
16:59Mmm.
17:00Oh, I've got a terrible fucking colic.
17:03LAUGHTER
17:04LAUGHTER
17:05Miles, your seven?
17:06Uh, I've got two sevens, actually.
17:08Uh, they are, uh, climate and polemic.
17:12Wow.
17:12Very good.
17:13Lovely.
17:14Private and polemic.
17:15But what's this nine?
17:16Yeah.
17:17Yeah.
17:18That was, er, that was good, wasn't it, Susie?
17:20That was amazing.
17:21Of miles.
17:22Maybe, maybe write down his name.
17:23Yeah.
17:25And what was your nine, John, that you went for?
17:27Well, compile is a seven, and then I wondered if you can have
17:31compilate as you can have a compilation of something.
17:33Yeah.
17:34No, you can't compilate.
17:35Oh, that's a shame.
17:36Seven for us, Jim.
17:38LAUGHTER
17:38Seven points for both teams.
17:41APPLAUSE
17:43I might...
17:45I might go for my nap.
17:47That's such a weird...
17:48Hang on.
17:50It was me the whole time.
17:52LAUGHTER
17:53Hang on, I might take my bonnet off.
17:55Roisin and Chiara, could they have done any better?
17:58Yes.
17:59Erm...
18:00Poetical.
18:01Ooh.
18:02Let's have that again.
18:03Very breathy.
18:04Poetical.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06OK, so at the end of that, it's a draw.
18:08Everyone's got seven points.
18:10APPLAUSE
18:10Well done.
18:13OK, on to our first numbers round.
18:15John, Judy, you get to pick the numbers.
18:17Do you want to pick Judy, or will you just ruin it?
18:21Erm...
18:21No.
18:22Three little ones.
18:23All right, I'll go.
18:24Nine, two, six, and then the big one.
18:26Oh.
18:2775, 50, and 100.
18:30And the target, 359.
18:32There it is.
18:33Come on, John.
18:33And your time starts now.
18:34НАЯ...
18:35...
18:49I'll try again.
18:51Tip down.
19:00I'm hungry.
19:02Give me an email.
19:02Mate.
19:03Ok, coming on.
19:05So the target was three five nine Judy love did you get it? I've got three four two. Why is
19:10worth no points?
19:13Give me some credit for hat sorry to speak. I know but I can't expect you to not eat while
19:19we record it
19:23Three four two miles did you get it? I've got three five seven. Okay, Rob I did what I think
19:30I did okay
19:31I never don't want to get it. I got three five eight right Rob. It's all on you six times
19:36seventy five
19:38450 minus two hundred three hundred and fifty plus the nine ten points
19:49Can we just say I've got three hundred forty two can we talk about that we've done that I talked
19:53about that
19:55We're all decided as a group it was irrelevant
19:59So Rob and miles have 17 John and Judy have seven
20:06To Jictionary Corner Roisin and Kiara what have you got for us? Wow got a pretty good vibe. Yeah, you're
20:12right care
20:12Yeah, I'm fine. You seem a little bit of subdued or no I'm fine. I'm fine. All right. Is it
20:18Jimmy?
20:19I just I can't read him. I don't know what he's thinking
20:21Yeah, maybe it was earlier when you tried to sort of hug him from behind. Yeah, I know he didn't
20:26like that
20:27Me though because like that is your like native
20:30Mediterranean war yes, yeah, because she's Italian see a vero son italiana
20:36So I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly in touch with her
20:40Sensuality infatti son una donna molto sensual
20:44Unusually connected with their femininity
20:47people money cabellucci
20:48Yeah, but actually she is incredibly repressed that's right because I'm also half English so that explains that and Roisin
20:56Roisin on the other hand is is Irish
20:59Yeah, Catholic and I'm gonna hurt August and Vic August and spirit knave our men. That's right
21:04But the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually incredibly playful and
21:10Loose and just a tiny bit slutty
21:12What?
21:13Sorry, that is absolute like slander. Not at all. I'm not like that
21:17But it makes total sense because she's just trying to connect right because because we're born alone
21:22Exactly
21:24Okay, well, there we go. Are you a naughty boy?
21:27No not at all
21:32Hey, the other one
21:32Are you a kinky kinky, little boot ?
21:34Don't call him a boot because he's a very , , very well-known comedian
21:41She's got a thing for people in positions of power
22:11Really, you're right
22:13He has been ogling me
22:16All night
22:17But we're here, we're part of the show
22:19Regardless of the details, I've got something to say to you, Jon
22:21You might do this all the time
22:23Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you
22:26It's all fun and games
22:27But for me, I'm at work
22:33Rosie and Chiara, everyone
22:34You are a little
22:40The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan
22:45Do you know what's funny, as much as Jon started to look very awkward
22:48You moved that cup so fucking fast
22:55We don't want to spill liquids
23:04You didn't just look back over there, did you?
23:07Sorry, she'll look straight ahead
23:09Would you like to swap seats, Jon?
23:11Er, well this one's fucking sodden now
23:16I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel, isn't it, Jon?
23:20That kimchi was on the turn and I took a gamble on the wrong night
23:25There is such a thing as too much roughage
23:26Yeah, isn't there?
23:28Enough with the sexy talk
23:37You move the crockery, I'll have one last clue
23:45And here is your teaser, the words are
23:47Meat Bell, the clue is
23:48Nom nom nom nom nom nom
23:49That's Meat Bell
23:51Nom nom nom nom nom nom
23:52See you after the break
24:09Welcome back, the answer to the tease, the words were
24:11Meat Bell, the clue was nom nom nom nom nom
24:14It was of course, meltable
24:15Okay, so Rob and Miles are in the lead
24:18They've been playing in team so far
24:19But this game is just for Rob and Judy. So Judy your turn to choose. I'll take a vowel, please
24:26Great start. E. Consonant. G.
24:30Consonant. M.
24:34Consonant. S. A vowel. I.
24:44E. Consonant. T. Oh, go on. Let's have Smeggiest.
24:49E. Consonant.
24:51E. Consonant. Final R. While you do this, I've just got to pick some friends up from the station. So
24:59your time starts now.
25:19E. Consonant. I had to just do a pick up from the station.
25:24E. Consonant. Would you like crown green bowling on a Thursday?
25:27E. Consonant. It's my turn to go.
25:30E. Consonant.
25:30E. Consonant.
25:34E. Consonant.
25:38E. Consonant.
26:00Oh.
26:14Oh my god!
26:16Fuck.
26:22He should be in your dressing room, didn't he?
26:26Oh, it's Pasher, everyone.
26:30Hello.
26:30Welcome to see you.
26:31Hello.
26:35I can't believe it, the Pasher's here, who's Rachel's other half,
26:39and also Susie Dent's other half's here.
26:44I should say, just earlier on the show,
26:47that John Richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex
26:51with one of the Strictly dancers, specifically you.
26:55It's the first time I've ever said that on a show as well.
26:57One of the fucking fucking chances.
27:00You'll be out of there in ten minutes, mate.
27:03Very efficient, lovemaker.
27:05Oh, no.
27:06With my skill, you'll be out on two.
27:10Oh, please.
27:11It's like a date of the undateables.
27:14It is.
27:16Round of applause for Pasher and my friends from the bowling club.
27:25Judy, how many?
27:26Five.
27:27Five.
27:27Well, you only had 30 seconds.
27:29Fair enough.
27:37Six.
27:38Wow.
27:40Smashed that five, didn't you?
27:41What was the five, Judy?
27:43Misty?
27:43Or timer?
27:45We'll go misty.
27:45Didn't fancy popping the ass on the end of timer?
27:48Yeah, timers.
27:49Sorry.
27:51Timers.
27:51Timers.
27:52Rob, you're six.
27:53I've got misery or mister.
27:55I said misery was not possible.
27:57You said mystery.
27:58No, but I said mystery.
28:00I said misery or misery.
28:02I think John is unlikely to describe misery as not possible.
28:08He's starting to laugh in.
28:12Well, six points to Rob.
28:18Roisin, Chiara, could they have done any better?
28:20They could have.
28:20Interestingly, John and Chiara both had misery.
28:23Yeah.
28:23I'm just wondering what your misery is about.
28:25Actually, I'm feeling a little bit miserable.
28:27I'm going to admit it.
28:28Why is that?
28:29I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw, okay?
28:33Because I grind my teeth when I sleep.
28:35Right.
28:35And here, today, I realised I can't smile.
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes.
28:44You can't smile now because you've had too much work done.
28:47You're telling me that.
28:50But yeah, we could have done a bit better.
28:52We could have eight letters here.
28:54Germiest.
28:55Germiest.
28:56Germiest.
28:57You never mess a germ.
28:58I did spot that, but I've got some wipes down here at all times.
29:01Got rid of it.
29:02Have you finished undressing Dictionary Corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again.
29:07You can look at me.
29:08I can't make you smile though, can I?
29:12Who's picking these old numbers then?
29:20So, at the end of all that, Rob and Miles have 23.
29:23John and Judy have seven.
29:24Damn.
29:25Come on, Judy.
29:29I'm sorry for John and Miles to go head-to-head in the maths.
29:35Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
29:36Yeah, is it six in total?
29:38Is that what we're looking for?
29:39So, three...
29:40I'm increasingly confident I
29:44Can count I just can't the angle a matter
29:51Yeah zero you've already got it
29:55Three big numbers three little numbers three and three coming up you've got this three little ones ten
30:01Seven two and the three big ones 75 25 and 50 and the target 192
30:09Okay, and your time starts now
30:41So the target was a 192 miles. Did you get it? I didn't know why do you look so pleased
30:47with yourself?
30:49Okay, John, did you get it?
30:51193 hmm. How'd you get 193 75 plus 25?
30:56100 plus 2 times 50 plus 2 times 50
31:01200 minus 7. Yeah, yeah, that's what I got Judy. No one believes you
31:06Oh, listen, I did two times 75 and then I added
31:1250 no
31:1325 50 I added 25 makes
31:17175 and then I added you haven't even done that
31:22No, no, no. Then I added the 10. 185 and the 7. 192
31:37Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit I just did it here in front of you
31:42What Rachel do it and blagged it?
31:45I can't win
31:48You can't
31:49You can't win seven points to John. Oh my
31:56And here is your teaser the words are oiled nut the clue is you can see the shape of it
32:02That's oiled nut you can see the shape of it. See you after the break
32:22Welcome back the answer to the tease the words were oiled nut the clue was you can see the shape
32:26of it
32:26It was of course outlined
32:28John your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help. Thank you. Please welcome comedian Dane Buckley
32:40I
32:40Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests me too, which is why I've got dodgy
32:45knees
32:47Gag reflex. Yeah, I've got a gag reflex, baby. I remember. Yeah, thank you
32:59Dane how he got the job
33:02Dane's your first time in the show. How would you describe yourself face of a Greek God body of Turkish
33:06delight?
33:07Okay, that's what I would say
33:08Dating apps no, I call myself the world's only Irish Indian gay comedian possibly for the longest time that I
33:14wasn't out as half Indian light
33:18I
33:18Never used to tell people I was good at it, you know
33:23When you're Asian white you just generally look Mediterranean, you know like Charlie XCX
33:27But I learned recently you're you're darker down below your darker down south and I don't know
33:34I didn't realize that was a thing but I was at the doctors recently and he saw me naked bless
33:39him and he said mr. Buckley
33:40Can I ask you what your heritage is like what is he found onion barge in my inner five?
33:46Are you any good at countdown I'm massive dyslexic so no, so that's why
33:51We're bringing the looks so I think we look like a lineup of United Colors of Benetton
33:56Yes, yeah United Colors of Benetton. Yeah, what's John the guy from accounts?
34:05You wouldn't know what that looks like
34:15That's
34:17Okay, who's the funniest person you know hands down you'll know this Jimmy as well my mammy Irish mammy's are
34:23hilarious
34:24Can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up? I'm not this is how she is
34:28Mean her wanna beach in broad stairs walking along minding my own business and we strain on to the nudist
34:34part of the beach
34:34But there was this older gentleman there completely naked belly hanging out penis hanging out resting brexit face that kind
34:41of vibe
34:44No teeth lots of opinions that was his
34:47He was targeting women on the beach, but he'd never take it on an Irish mammy and he said to
34:52my mom
34:52Scuse me love does my penis make you feel uncomfortable and my mom did not miss a beat glasses on
34:57a chain?
34:57She said what knows that little thing there. I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable
35:05She said I'll be honest with your puppet. I've seen bigger in mother care
35:11He's walked away
35:16Have you got a mascot? Can you bring a mascot?
35:18Oh my god, yeah, I'm not just here to have fun. Look at this. Yeah, right
35:23This is a jalebi the most famous of Indian sweets. It's a it's crispy. It's deep-fried
35:29It's syrupy and it's a it's absolutely gorgeous and my nan used to teach me how to cook Indian dishes
35:34once a week and
35:35We would fry these and she would make masala chai tea and she'd read my tea leaves
35:40But she used to use it as a time to get information out of me because she didn't want to
35:43ask so she'd be like
35:45Okay, not many I'm allowed to do the accent
35:47She used to read my tea leaves and she'd be like okay, not many girls in your future
35:55So many boys okay
35:57Dancing so gay or darling you're dancing around the pole and I was like give me that man
36:01There's no way you can tell from those leaves. He's polish
36:07I
36:08Thought be brave. I didn't realize I had to come out to my man. I said nan. I'm gay
36:12She said we must call your father immediately. I said why she said he owes me 20 pounds
36:22I'm as gay as the day is long rubbish foolish gay as the days long you mean to tell me
36:27you're going to be less gay in winter
36:31Hashtag gay light savings
36:35But I have brought some jalebes for you guys to try. I thought it'd be nice
36:39Oh
36:40So they are vegan the jalebes have a little go. No you keep them judy
36:52It's like that crispy shredded beef without a beefing
37:00Wow way to change my culture Rob
37:02Oh great
37:03Do you want me to start an angel delight Rob?
37:08I'm going back in Casterland
37:10It must be nice and a bit of rice pudding
37:15My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen
37:18Fair fair
37:19But she wanted the cultural side to win in ireland so growing up I spoke irish
37:23It's a celtic language and you'll know if you know any irish nothing sounds like what you think it means
37:27like listen to this
37:31Which sounds like honestly you're saying ready the war between the elves and the centaurs, but it means I have
37:36no interest in the local facilities
37:40If you know anything about a gay man, that's just not true Rob
37:42You know
37:45Well, I think I've done every stereotype. Thank you. Good night
37:57Okay, on with the game. Dane your turn to choose the letters a consonant
38:01That's so much sugar. That is extraordinary. It feels like if we'd just eaten sugar there would have been less
38:06sugar in it than that
38:08I
38:09Vowel
38:09Like my eyes are
38:12Another vow, I think I might have type 3 diabetes
38:17I'm an Irish speaker so another vow
38:21Hey, do you know what?
38:22Give us another vow
38:25What are you going to do? Colonizers?
38:30You're going to start annoying Johnny in a minute. He's going to start to get itchy
38:33If you do another vow, he'll start to get panicky
38:35We've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat, but you know, let's not fuck about
38:41Okay, I'm confident
38:43My fingers are too sticky to write
38:46All right, how many how many vows am I allowed?
38:48Four
38:49Do you know what? Give me a big vow
38:53I'm so sorry Jane, but the fun police have turned up
38:57A consonant
38:58A consonant
38:59N
39:00And the vow
39:02E
39:04That's your max
39:05Right
39:07A consonant then
39:08A number
39:09Okay, and your time starts
39:12Now
39:21You pick shit letters and we all suck back
39:33You sound like they're spelling, does it?
39:43Dane, how'd you do?
39:45Four
39:45Uh, judy
39:47Four
39:48Did you get the same four that he got?
39:50Yeah
39:52I think john you're on your own, how'd you do?
39:55Six
39:56Six, okay miles
40:00Just some more
40:04I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper
40:09Five, it was sinew
40:12Yeah, just tell me straight away, it doesn't matter
40:15All right, Rob, how many?
40:17Five
40:17Swine
40:21We're all hyper
40:22We're on a sugar rush, deal with it dad
40:26Dane, you're four, what was your four?
40:28News
40:28Oh, well done
40:30Well done
40:32Definitely
40:34Definitely worth turning up for
40:37Judy, what was your four?
40:40No, five
40:41Five, what was it?
40:42Noise
40:43Noise
40:43John
40:45Insane in the membrane
40:48Insane in the brain
40:52Very sugary
40:55Six points to john
40:59He's going crazy
41:01Okay
41:03Roisin, Chiara, Susie, could they have done any better?
41:05Yep
41:06Swanny
41:08What's wrong?
41:09Swanny
41:10Like the song
41:11Like
41:11Like a swan
41:14It's like a swan or it's also I think quite a nice sort of padded waterproof
41:18Jacket with a hood
41:19Okay, so the scores of the moment are rob and miles have 23 john judy and dane have 20
41:26And here is your final teaser the words are i'd nosh me the clue is anything for a good time
41:32that's i'd nosh me anything for a good time
41:35See you after the break
41:52Welcome back the answer to the tease the words were i'd nosh me the clue was anything for a good
41:56time was of course hedonism
41:58Okay, time for our final letters game john judy dane your turn to pick
42:07John might have to take the lead on picking the letters
42:10These two are getting on really well
42:14Consonant please rachel
42:16thanks john
42:16T
42:17Vowel
42:19A
42:20Consonant please f
42:22Consonant please s
42:25Vowel please
42:27E
42:27Consonant please l
42:30Vowel please a
42:33Consonant please
42:34D and another vowel please
42:41I'm bored of the clock music i might change it up if that's all right with everyone okay your time
42:45starts now
42:56You
43:23Okay, John, how many?
43:24Tengo un seis. Gracias.
43:28Sorry?
43:29Tengo un seis, Jimmy.
43:31What's happened to your voice, John?
43:32Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl.
43:34Tenemos muchos talentos secretos.
43:36I have no idea what you're saying.
43:38La gente solo piensa.
43:40Oh, that's little John Richardson.
43:42Mírenlo con su little cardigan
43:43y su estúpida big boy's car.
43:45Hay mucho más de lo que parece.
43:48Estoy harto de que la gente bromee
43:50diciendo que soy una especie de
43:52virgin rat boy.
43:53Y una última cosa que me gustaría decir
43:55es que realmente me gustan
43:57los chocolate hobnobs. Gracias.
44:00Sorry, we are having some technical difficulties.
44:02I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice.
44:05I think that's it. Try that.
44:07Hello.
44:10John, how many?
44:11Six.
44:13Okay. Dane, how many?
44:14Five.
44:14Judy, how many?
44:16Six.
44:17Okay. Miles, how many?
44:18Seven, I think.
44:19Oh, damn.
44:21Rob?
44:21Five.
44:22Fine. What's your five?
44:23Fades.
44:24Fades. Okay.
44:25Dane, your five?
44:26False.
44:27False. Okay.
44:28Judy?
44:29Ladies.
44:30John, your six?
44:32Fasted.
44:33Miles, for the points, your seven.
44:35Uh, dilates?
44:37Yeah.
44:38Ooh.
44:39Oh, my man.
44:42Yeah.
44:45Seven points to Miles.
44:47Wow.
44:50Could they have done any better?
44:51No.
44:52Nope.
44:52Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it.
44:53It was fantastic.
44:56Well done, Lord Grantham.
44:59Okay, so Rob and Miles have 30.
45:01John, Judy and Dane have 20.
45:06Okay, so it's a crucial countdown conundrum today.
45:09You ready for this?
45:10Yeah.
45:10Today's crucial countdown conundrum.
45:12Your time starts now.
45:27Pickiness.
45:28Oh, how did you get that?
45:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:37That's it.
45:37Daddy cool got it, I guess.
45:39So the final scores are...
45:41Everyone's got 30.
45:42It's a draw.
45:42Everyone's a winner.
45:46Congratulations.
45:46You are now all the owners of this,
45:48the countdown dog bed.
45:54Thanks to all our panellists,
45:55our wonderful studio audience,
45:56and to all of you for watching at home.
45:58That's it from us.
45:58Good night.
46:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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