- 2 days ago
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00:12We're right here, Bonnie. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. Open your eyes. I don't believe it. Open
00:00:16your eyes. I don't believe it. Open your eyes. Look at Elizabeth. I don't believe it. Look at Elizabeth. Look
00:00:20at Elizabeth. You're here now, but as soon as I'm gone, then you're going to forget about me. As soon
00:00:24as I'm gone, out of sight, out of mind. That's the way it goes for me.
00:00:27Out of sight, out of mind. That's the way it goes for me. Out of sight, out of mind. Out
00:00:31of sight, out of mind. That's my life story. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight, out of
00:00:36mind. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight, out of mind. That's my life story. Be quiet. Be
00:00:48quiet. Sit in the corner and be quiet. That's my life story. Don't make any noise.
00:00:56It's okay for you to make noise here, Tony.
00:00:59Why are you going to listen to those messages, Tony?
00:01:02What you have just seen is a portion of a therapy session
00:01:06for some people who are struggling with the pain of mental illness.
00:01:10In its many forms, mental illness is a devastating disease.
00:01:14It not only terrorizes the individual who is stricken,
00:01:17but it also wreaks havoc within his or her family.
00:01:21It pushes its victim into a dark and lonely world.
00:01:25Our thoughts can become disorganized and race out of control.
00:01:29Our feelings can become blunted, hollow, and flat.
00:01:34Historically, we have tried to escape the horror and pain of mental illness
00:01:38by keeping it hidden and out of sight.
00:01:40We know so very little about the mysteries of the human mind
00:01:42that when we see one shattered and crumbling before us,
00:01:45we want to blot it out and erase it from our view.
00:01:50Our ignorance and our fear only compound the terrible isolation,
00:01:53the suffering, and the guilt that the victims and their families
00:01:57have already had to endure.
00:02:00We have made a documentary about the experiences of some people
00:02:03who are struggling with mental illness.
00:02:05Our purpose has been to meet them as members of the human family.
00:02:09We have not relied on experts to tell us about the disease,
00:02:13but rather have gone to the people themselves.
00:02:16We wanted to hear them tell their own story
00:02:18so that we could better understand what they care about
00:02:21and how they managed to stand up under the burdens of their awful illness.
00:02:26We shot most of our documentary at a place called Central Manor,
00:02:30which is a halfway house in St. Paul.
00:02:32Only some of the people who live there will appear on your screen.
00:02:36While almost everyone at Central Manor agreed on the importance of our project,
00:02:41not everyone felt ready to share his or her story with the public.
00:02:45For the people who did not appear on camera and whom you will not see,
00:02:51we think it's important for you to know that behind the scenes
00:02:53they gave us a great deal of support and encouragement in our work.
00:02:57And for those people whom you will see, you should also know
00:03:01that it took a great deal of personal courage for them to open their lives to us.
00:03:26The family doesn't want him home.
00:03:29Did the police come in and do it?
00:03:31No.
00:03:32I'll be at first.
00:03:36I'll be at first.
00:03:37Go forward and back.
00:03:38I'll be at first.
00:03:39Good.
00:03:40Okay.
00:03:41And again, the twin exercise is good.
00:03:43Just go through the right hand.
00:03:44Don't stand on me.
00:03:47Stand up.
00:03:53Okay, we have two green transit turns.
00:03:59Okay, that's neat.
00:04:01That's all right.
00:04:10Good luck, Steve.
00:04:12Take care.
00:04:14Okay, Central Manor?
00:04:16Yeah.
00:04:1726, 26.
00:04:21You and I have a lighter.
00:04:23Sure.
00:04:24Nice.
00:04:33I think I was on Naveen then.
00:04:36I wanted to get off all my meds, even though I was doing pretty well.
00:04:39And I went off really fast.
00:04:41I demanded it to be released from all those medications.
00:04:44And that's what happened.
00:04:45What happened?
00:04:47I went off them all at once.
00:04:49Okay.
00:04:50The heavy ones.
00:04:51The anti-psychotic Naveen.
00:04:53I didn't feel psychotic.
00:04:55I was just hyper-manic.
00:04:57And so I felt...
00:04:57Did you have any reactions going off?
00:04:59Yeah, the reactions going off were worse than the reactions while I was on.
00:05:02I should have leveled myself off, but I was afraid of...
00:05:05So you went off your meds and you had some rough times in it.
00:05:10Yeah, I went through a kind of a depression.
00:05:13Yeah, this is it.
00:05:14Thanks.
00:05:15And here's what I've got.
00:05:16Okay.
00:05:18Which one?
00:05:19Yeah, we get both these.
00:05:21Okay.
00:05:22I mean, I just...
00:05:23Yeah, it's on the meter.
00:05:25Okay.
00:05:26Okay.
00:05:28Have a good one.
00:05:31Hey, Steve, how are you doing?
00:05:32Actually, that's the first thing.
00:05:34Okay, Ira.
00:05:35We'll get together and get a chance to meet for a little while today and on Wednesday again.
00:05:42Okay.
00:05:43Okay.
00:05:44If you've got any questions, just let me know.
00:05:48You know where my office is?
00:05:49Yeah.
00:05:49The second one right down there.
00:05:51Steve, what was your last mailing address?
00:05:54The last mailing address?
00:05:56Um, I didn't really have a mailing address.
00:06:00Steve was living on the street before he was hospitalized.
00:06:04After his most recent manic episode, he spent 28 days on a psychiatric ward.
00:06:11With the help of medication, Steve is now stable enough to be discharged to Central Manor,
00:06:16a halfway house in St. Paul.
00:06:19Are you on monitored medications or anything?
00:06:22Yes, lithium.
00:06:24Two tablets, twice a day, morning and evening.
00:06:27You take it morning and evening, huh?
00:06:29Yeah.
00:06:31You'll be coming down here to get your meds to this window then, right?
00:06:35Yeah.
00:06:36Okay.
00:06:36And I'll need that medication.
00:06:40Okay.
00:06:41And then this is the window that you come to get meds.
00:06:44Okay.
00:06:44Like almost every other resident at Central Manor, Steve needs medication to help control
00:06:50his illness.
00:06:51If you have some questions, come and ask me.
00:06:54Okay.
00:06:55Okay.
00:06:57These psychotropic drugs don't cure mental illness, but they can help to subdue its symptoms
00:07:03and make life more manageable.
00:07:07Sometimes there are unpleasant side effects, drowsiness, blurred vision, muscle tremors,
00:07:14dry mouth, weight gain, and slurred speech, to name just a few.
00:07:20Most side effects can be kept in check with additional medication, but there is a growing awareness
00:07:26of the dangers of long-term use of these drugs.
00:07:29In some cases, they can cause permanent nerve damage.
00:07:34Most of the people at Central Manor told us that the side effects are worth it if the medications
00:07:39can protect them from the horrors of their illness.
00:07:49It takes time for psychological wounds to heal.
00:07:53It takes time to recover and to start over again.
00:07:56A halfway house like Central Manor offers safe haven after the battering and turmoil of
00:08:02a psychological storm.
00:08:10Okay.
00:08:17Some of the residents of Central Manor stay for only a few months.
00:08:21Others stay for as long as a few years.
00:08:24Most have been hospitalized before, many more than once.
00:08:29It is difficult to predict how long it will be before someone is ready to go back and try
00:08:34it again.
00:08:38There are several obstacles that must be overcome.
00:08:41For many of the residents, the outside world is a source of stress that is too painful to bear.
00:08:47Anxiety attacks and the fear of failure can paralyze a person with a haunting sense of hopelessness.
00:08:56And while the illness itself can make it difficult to focus and organize one's thoughts, the psychotropic
00:09:02drugs can also dull a person's mind.
00:09:08But perhaps the most hateful thing about mental illness is the malicious impact it has on one's family and friends.
00:09:16Few residents still have the support and encouragement of their loved ones.
00:09:20It's twice as hard to struggle back along the road to recovery if no one is there to welcome you.
00:09:33It may be as long as a month before Steve begins to feel safe in his new surroundings.
00:10:02There he is.
00:10:03Where's the smile?
00:10:06There it is!
00:10:08My God, I thought you lost it overnight.
00:10:10You had me worried, Dick.
00:10:13Morning.
00:10:14Morning, Dick. Morning.
00:10:16Morning.
00:10:17Yeah, did you get a good-sized paycheck?
00:10:19You had six months, right?
00:10:21I had years to drink, though.
00:10:23You had what?
00:10:25But I changed my mind.
00:10:28I don't have any white yarn,
00:10:29and I was wondering if I could have some
00:10:31of these. Look along the boxes
00:10:34along the edge, Nancy.
00:10:35Okay?
00:10:39Over here?
00:10:40There should be some there.
00:10:44Observe Ron
00:10:45for stiffness, med reaction.
00:10:48Yeah.
00:10:50Anything from the other day?
00:10:51Was it a toxic reaction by the insurance?
00:10:53He was looking better when I saw him.
00:10:55He was looking better when somebody else saw him later in the day.
00:10:58Okay, good.
00:10:59I think he's probably...
00:11:01Just make contact with him.
00:11:03Continue to draw him back into reality.
00:11:06Talk about realistic things with him.
00:11:10He's responsive if somebody's there to respond to him,
00:11:13but he's not going to seek anyone out.
00:11:15Right.
00:11:15So we've got to, when we see him, seek him out.
00:11:19Give him good feedback if he's not isolating himself, too.
00:11:21Mm-hmm.
00:11:23See, he's giving him to you a bedtime marvel
00:11:26so that you're not so sleepy during the day.
00:11:28Yeah.
00:11:28Because you talk about you're so tired all the time.
00:11:31Yeah, I am.
00:11:32So that's why he's changing them all to bedtime.
00:11:35Okay.
00:11:36And then he shouldn't be so sleepy in the morning.
00:11:38I get to each every morning.
00:11:39Right.
00:11:40But listen, it's going to take you a couple days
00:11:42before you're not going to feel sleepy in the morning.
00:11:44Okay.
00:11:44Because the medicine is built up in your system.
00:11:47Okay?
00:11:48Okay.
00:11:48All right.
00:12:09Come on in.
00:12:10When Nancy was a young girl,
00:12:12her parents thought her behavior was odd.
00:12:14And when she was 12,
00:12:15they placed her in a state institution,
00:12:17where she remained until she was 18.
00:12:20Did you ever see so many dolls in all your life?
00:12:23Yes.
00:12:24This one in the yellow is my favorite.
00:12:27This one's my second favorite.
00:12:31Where's that from?
00:12:33Uh, France.
00:12:35Made in France.
00:12:37How long have you been collecting these dolls?
00:12:40Twelve dolls.
00:12:41Twelve years.
00:12:41Twelve years.
00:12:42It'll be 13 years in February.
00:12:45Thirteen years.
00:12:47Thirteen years.
00:12:47I've collected dolls.
00:12:49What do you like about them so much?
00:12:52They're pretty to look at.
00:12:54They're pretty to look at.
00:12:57Uh...
00:12:58Who are those people up there?
00:13:00My niece and nephew.
00:13:02Here they are over here.
00:13:04That's Kathy.
00:13:07Kathy.
00:13:08And here is...
00:13:11Here's David.
00:13:14He's eight years old now.
00:13:17This is his recent one.
00:13:19Mm-hmm.
00:13:20He's my brother's little boy.
00:13:21Uh-huh.
00:13:22And that's my brother's little girl.
00:13:24She's 13 now.
00:13:27And that's me.
00:13:31That's me.
00:13:33Nancy has spent most of her life living within the mental health system.
00:13:38Recently, she lost all of her hearing.
00:13:40She can understand others only by lip reading.
00:13:43Bride and groom.
00:13:46Some people that I know.
00:13:47My brother's...
00:13:50Wife's brother.
00:13:52And that's his wife.
00:13:54It's dusty.
00:13:58And then here's my father.
00:14:01He's a nice-looking man for his age.
00:14:07I take three...
00:14:09I take four pills, really.
00:14:12Artane, Stalazine, Melorel, and Pavara.
00:14:15Those are the only four I take.
00:14:19But if I didn't take that medicine, I'd have to go to an institution.
00:14:23I really would.
00:14:25That's me.
00:14:27I'm two years old on that picture.
00:14:30My dad told me.
00:14:32And then...
00:14:35Did you make that?
00:14:36I made it.
00:14:38Isn't that cute?
00:14:39And it's got my name on it.
00:14:41Nancy along there.
00:14:43Really nice.
00:14:44I thought up the designs.
00:14:46I mean, I use my own imagination.
00:14:51I'm proud of my work.
00:14:52You should be.
00:14:56I'm glad you saw my room.
00:14:58It's really nice, isn't it?
00:15:00How they found out that...
00:15:03that I was manic depressive was by...
00:15:06me think...
00:15:07where my...
00:15:08my reality and my fantasy...
00:15:11metal mixed together.
00:15:14And I thought I could...
00:15:16transport myself into another century.
00:15:19And just escape from everybody.
00:15:22And...
00:15:25this method does not work.
00:15:33When I'm sick...
00:15:35I can't pull them apart.
00:15:37I can't say,
00:15:38whoa, Rick, stop.
00:15:41Cool down.
00:15:45That's when I'm getting sick.
00:15:47And that's when...
00:15:49the hospital may be needed.
00:15:52When I can pull myself...
00:15:54when I can...
00:15:55I might start this.
00:15:57Start swinging...
00:15:58Adam's sword or something.
00:16:01And I just...
00:16:03prance around.
00:16:05But I can...
00:16:06I can keep myself from going under.
00:16:10Then...
00:16:11then that means that I'm healthier.
00:16:13I can...
00:16:20I've learned how to...
00:16:21how to differentiate from fantasy and reality.
00:16:26And this is my Artane.
00:16:30What does Artane do?
00:16:35Artane...
00:16:38I forgot.
00:16:40I'll...
00:16:40I'll give it a shot.
00:16:41I could be wrong.
00:16:42But I'll give it a shot.
00:16:43It blocks the shaking.
00:16:45Right.
00:16:46It's for side effects.
00:16:47Side effects.
00:16:49What does lithium do?
00:16:52It controls my...
00:16:55Rick was first hospitalized...
00:16:57shortly after he graduated from high school.
00:16:59He's lucky his family has stayed close by him.
00:17:03Before he goes home for a visit,
00:17:05Rick and his caseworker go over his medications.
00:17:09The mood swings is enough.
00:17:11What does Stelazine do?
00:17:15You wouldn't accept this if I said I wouldn't...
00:17:17I don't know, right?
00:17:18I want you to give it a guess.
00:17:21Okay.
00:17:24I think it's also for side effects.
00:17:27Okay.
00:17:28See if any of this sounds familiar.
00:17:31And when you remember, interrupt me and finish it off.
00:17:35Okay.
00:17:36Stelazine is an anti-psychotic drug.
00:17:39Oh, yeah.
00:17:41Do you want to continue?
00:17:42No.
00:17:45Sorry.
00:17:47Do you remember?
00:17:48I remember that part now.
00:17:50It's an anti-psychotic drug.
00:17:52I still don't know what it does, but...
00:17:55I don't know what an anti-psychotic drug is.
00:17:58What it does is changes some of the chemicals in your brain
00:18:02so that it helps you to think more clearly.
00:18:07And if you have delusions or hallucinations, it would make those go away.
00:18:16I see.
00:18:22There's no alcohol on there.
00:18:25There's none in here.
00:18:27There's no one.
00:18:28More in here?
00:18:29Yeah.
00:18:31Mike is the father of three young sons.
00:18:34One is from his second marriage.
00:18:36Two are from his first.
00:18:39Both marriages broke up because of Mike's chronic mental health problems.
00:18:43He feels lucky because his second wife brings his youngest son by for frequent visits.
00:18:49It was just a lot of paranoia and a lot of scary thoughts that I've had.
00:18:54You know, and they were really hard to deal with.
00:18:56And I didn't take my medication, too, so that had a lot to do with it.
00:19:00Now I'm on medications and I feel like I can handle it now, pretty much.
00:19:06You know, I know what's real and what isn't real.
00:19:09Before, I didn't know what was real and what wasn't real.
00:19:13Was that scary?
00:19:14Oh, yeah.
00:19:15It really is.
00:19:18You know, it's just like if I had a real close friend to talk to or something, it wouldn't have
00:19:22been so bad, but I didn't have nobody to talk to or nothing.
00:19:25And not having my wife there, not having my little boy there anymore, you know, being all alone and not
00:19:32having a family and have no direction or purpose or anything.
00:19:37Just being, it's being out of control.
00:19:40It's just, you can't explain it.
00:19:42It's just, it's just all unreal.
00:19:44You know, all the stuff that you think, everything you think of as a fantasy, I mean, comes true.
00:19:49Only it's in your mind, it's not visually, but it's in your mind and it's there, you know, and you
00:19:55can't, you can't see the realness or the unrealness of it.
00:20:03And I keep having these breakdowns. I've had them for 15 years.
00:20:07You know, I got to go on medications and then I get off them and then I go back on
00:20:10medications and I go off them and I get back on them.
00:20:14You know, I want to get off them.
00:20:16I don't want, or I don't want to get off the medications. I want to, I want to get normal.
00:20:21I want to, I want to be like you guys, you know, I want to be out there in the
00:20:25world and experiencing normal things and normal behaviors and normal, normal people.
00:20:33And, uh, all right. You want to come up here? You know what? What does Michael mean to you?
00:20:42Michael?
00:20:43Yeah.
00:20:46Well, he means a lot to me. He means, he means my future.
00:20:56Um, he's in my plans for the future as far as buying him stuff and being with him and growing
00:21:06up with him from time to time.
00:21:11What does he do for you in terms of how he makes you feel?
00:21:16Yeah.
00:21:16Brings tears to my eyes. He always does that. Gets me emotional.
00:21:25Enough.
00:21:26Be good.
00:21:28Yeah.
00:21:32Can I play ball's pool?
00:21:35Pool? You want to play pool?
00:21:37Yeah.
00:21:38All right.
00:21:39Well, he means a lot to me.
00:21:46How often do you get to see him, Mike?
00:21:49Oh, just about any time I want to. My wife knows I was a good father to him.
00:21:59See, I've been away from God for about two weeks, you know what I mean? God. And I thought that,
00:22:05uh, everything bad seems to happen to me, you know what I mean?
00:22:09And I'm praying to God all the time and nothing happens with the good, you know. So I went away
00:22:14from God for two weeks and now I'm back with him.
00:22:19Have things gotten better?
00:22:21Yeah, things are.
00:22:23But I, I don't know, uh, see, how to say it because, see, I'm mentally ill, I'm hard of hearing,
00:22:30and I'm different. See, I got all that on me. Nobody else can survive my life. Nobody.
00:22:38But when you pray, do you feel God listens?
00:22:41When, what, what?
00:22:42When you pray, do you feel God listens?
00:22:45God, God listens? But I don't.
00:22:49Then why do you continue to pray?
00:22:54Because, uh, I think he's got a mission for me, you know what I mean?
00:23:01There must be some reason why I had a suffer all my life, see?
00:23:04And in Catholic religion, or I know, I know about their own religions, but they teach that the more suffering
00:23:10you go to, the more heavily you are and the more polished you are, you know what I mean?
00:23:15And still believe in God.
00:23:23That's hard, you know.
00:23:28At one time, Maureen and Ron were married.
00:23:31They've been divorced for a few years, but they still rely on each other for support and companionship.
00:23:37It is difficult for them when they're not placed in the same facility.
00:23:41They've been at Central Manor now for almost two months.
00:23:46People look at me different and they shun me, you know what I mean?
00:23:50And, uh, I, that's why I have everything bad happen to me, because, you know, the people, people just don't
00:23:56go with me, you know.
00:23:57There's something, I mean, uh, that I can't communicate and that, you know, they don't want nothing to do with
00:24:02me.
00:24:05We've known, we've known each other for about 11 years.
00:24:1012 years about.
00:24:11I'll be 12 in about April or something like that.
00:24:1512 years, wow.
00:24:1612 years, wow.
00:24:19I'll be right.
00:24:21I'll be right.
00:24:22I'll be right.
00:24:26Are you very close?
00:24:28Yeah, very close.
00:24:30Extremely close.
00:24:33How does Ron help you?
00:24:37Well, let's see, let's see.
00:24:41Support.
00:24:42Yeah, he gives me support and, uh, I don't know, he shows me that, you know, I don't know, I,
00:24:50uh, he had a life like me. He's like me, that's why. He's like me.
00:24:55What do you need from her?
00:24:59What do I need?
00:25:04Just by being holster.
00:25:06You know, companionship, you know.
00:25:13Nancy, this is called a generic.
00:25:17It's a generic, which means that this costs less than the other one.
00:25:23It's what?
00:25:24It's less expensive.
00:25:32What's this rug?
00:25:34This rug takes a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of skill.
00:25:40I don't know what you're doing in order to do these rugs.
00:25:44I learned how in high school.
00:25:47I made a purple rug in high school.
00:25:51The purple rug was this big.
00:25:56It was a little kid's rug.
00:25:58It had a picture of a clown.
00:26:01I made it for my sister when she was pregnant.
00:26:06Janet was a young girl when she was first stricken with Tourette's Syndrome, a disease of the nervous system that
00:26:13causes her to make uncontrollable movements and vocal sounds.
00:26:18Janet has another problem.
00:26:20When she gets nervous and upset, she scratches the skin off her face, arms, and legs.
00:26:27I had a stretch in her since I was a grade school child, about nine years old.
00:26:36First, I started out grunting.
00:26:38As I got older, I used to go like this, like this in my breasts.
00:26:43And I used to go like this, like a dancer.
00:26:48Now I just nigger and I get a stick tongue out once in a while.
00:26:54When I get that month, it gets worse.
00:26:57Otherwise, the hell is all taking care of the rest.
00:27:03That's all I got to say.
00:27:04I've been in a lot of hospitals for that.
00:27:06I had a lot of blood tests.
00:27:09I had a lot of brain scans.
00:27:15People that don't know a stranger, it's like I'm crazy.
00:27:19Sometimes I think it's because I can't get a boyfriend because of Tourette's Syndrome.
00:27:24Unless I get a man who has it.
00:27:29Nobody else wanted me to say.
00:27:31I wanted to ask you, how do you deal with this syndrome?
00:27:35How do you try to live with it?
00:27:37What do you have to do?
00:27:39Take medicine.
00:27:41That's all I can do.
00:27:42There's something I can do about it.
00:27:43I can't.
00:27:44I can't do nothing about it.
00:27:47I wish there was a cure.
00:27:51Is there anything else you'd like to tell us to help us understand better,
00:27:55so that when you say that strangers don't understand,
00:27:59what would you want them to understand about it?
00:28:01I want them to know I can't help what I do.
00:28:03Sometimes I swear.
00:28:06Sometimes I go .
00:28:09That's part of the nerve problem.
00:28:13I say dance like that.
00:28:17Kind of funny, but it's not to me.
00:28:22How does it make you feel?
00:28:23How do you feel about it?
00:28:24Sometimes I'm sad about it.
00:28:26But nothing I can do, I say.
00:28:34Well, that's about all.
00:28:37Can you see?
00:28:38Nigger, nigger, nigger's my mother.
00:28:39My mother had a stroke on January 1st of 1984, a year ago.
00:28:45Now she's in Birchwood Nursing Home.
00:28:49I like to go see her again.
00:28:52Sometimes I cry for my mother.
00:28:57What do you want to do, Janet?
00:28:58What would you like to do for the rest of your life?
00:29:00Clean. I like to clean. I love to clean.
00:29:05I always wanted to become a dancer, though.
00:29:11Could you imagine being intelligent dancing?
00:29:15Dance. Dance!
00:29:17It would be fun.
00:29:20Do you do much dancing here?
00:29:22Whenever there was a party, but I could never find a partner.
00:29:26So I don't want to dance unless I've got a partner.
00:29:30It seems I've got to dance with a broom or something,
00:29:33but I can't find a partner.
00:29:41My niece, Julie, I got a niece, Julie, who used to have a ballerina doll when she was a little
00:29:47girl.
00:29:48She's my sister's child.
00:29:53A ballerina doll.
00:29:55You twist that, and she'd dance around like this.
00:29:59A dancing doll.
00:30:02Ooh, now I'm dizzy.
00:30:04Can't dance like that.
00:30:07That's all I have to say.
00:30:08It's nice meeting you guys.
00:30:09Same here, Janet. Take care of yourself.
00:30:29Well, I first knew that something was wrong during my freshman year at the University of Minnesota.
00:30:38During the winter quarter, everything just kind of fell apart.
00:30:44So I went to work and was hospitalized short time later.
00:30:55What was going on inside you?
00:31:00I had a great deal of suicidal thoughts.
00:31:09There were a lot of times when I had planned to strangle myself off a bridge
00:31:19or just jump from a freeway bridge and get hit by a car.
00:31:27When we first met him, we knew him as Duane, the name his parents gave him.
00:31:32But then he told us that he wanted to change his name.
00:31:35Not just his last, but his first and middle names, too.
00:31:39He said he wanted to break all psychological ties with his family.
00:31:43He felt that changing his name would help free him from the burden of their judgments.
00:31:49I didn't like growing up at all.
00:31:51If I had my choice, I would not grow up again.
00:31:53I saw my parents quarrel an awful lot.
00:31:56I saw a lot of alienation between brother and sister.
00:32:01I learned to hate my father a great deal.
00:32:05I would be reprimanded.
00:32:08I would be not physically beaten, but psychologically beaten most of the time.
00:32:15Now he wants to be known as Aaron Michael Chamberlain.
00:32:19The new last name he has taken is the same as his therapist's.
00:32:25Okay, I want to say one other thing.
00:32:27You, it's alright that you're mad about what happened today.
00:32:31Do you hear that?
00:32:32He goes to a program outside Central Manor that is considered uncommon in its approach.
00:32:39Aaron has made what is called a reparenting contract with his therapist.
00:32:44In effect, she acts as his mother and he as her son.
00:32:49Together, they will go back and work through the pain and difficulties of Aaron's early childhood.
00:32:53We're not done any good.
00:32:55In this session, two other members of the group are restraining Aaron to protect him from injury while he works.
00:33:01And his mom is acting as a sort of coach to help him relive the experiences and the powerful feelings
00:33:08of his earliest years.
00:33:15Leave her alone!
00:33:19Leave her alone!
00:33:19Damn you!
00:33:20Leave her alone!
00:33:27Stop it!
00:33:30You know, we've talked about that before, about for you.
00:33:33I believe that she offers me genuine love and genuine care that I really never had.
00:33:42And she also does a lot of nurturing with me, holding me and every once in a while she'll give
00:33:50me a model.
00:33:52What does that do for you?
00:33:55It brings me back to a time when I was very, very young.
00:34:01It allows me to re-experience that in a healthy way and know that I'm safe.
00:34:21As a child, Wade was hyperactive.
00:34:24He has been on medication since he was six.
00:34:26But now, the drugs help control his depression and thoughts of suicide.
00:34:33I'm just one of those people that's trying to break even.
00:34:39And I'm gonna do it.
00:34:44It's something I've never had lack of, is self-confidence.
00:34:52Some people have it worse off than others.
00:34:57I feel very sorry for my wife.
00:35:00Because she hears voices.
00:35:06And that's something I've never had to deal with.
00:35:09I don't think I'd want to.
00:35:12Hers is in a different stage than mine.
00:35:15I think, if anything, the marriage between me and Becky will get stronger.
00:35:20Because we both have mental illness.
00:35:24We know what each other is going through.
00:35:29And it's a common bond.
00:35:31Makes us stronger, not weaker.
00:35:35Wade's wife's name is Becky.
00:35:37She also suffers from mental illness.
00:35:39They were married while they were both living at a different halfway house.
00:35:44Their marriage has been rocky.
00:35:46They are currently separated, but visit each other once or twice a week.
00:35:52There's a good one of us.
00:35:53That's you and Becky?
00:35:55Yeah.
00:35:55Yeah, that's nice.
00:35:57You guys look pretty happy.
00:35:59Oh, yeah.
00:36:00What do you need most?
00:36:03Love.
00:36:05Understanding.
00:36:07Hope.
00:36:12And that's about it.
00:36:21So I get nervous when I scratch.
00:36:24I got itchy skinned.
00:36:26It's very dry scratch.
00:36:29And then it cuts you?
00:36:31You end up cutting yourself?
00:36:32With your fingernails?
00:36:34Yup.
00:36:36This itches right here when I don't scratch.
00:36:38Doesn't that hurt?
00:36:40No.
00:36:41It stops itching.
00:36:43But it makes us sore.
00:36:46Janet also struggles with an addiction to alcohol.
00:36:49But she has kept herself sober now for six months.
00:36:53Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.
00:36:55I was upset when my mother was stroking, upset about having Tourette's syndrome.
00:36:59It calmed my Tourette's syndrome down a lot.
00:37:02But then the Tourette's syndrome got worse.
00:37:06It was jerking and all that.
00:37:08Doing the twitches and hangovers.
00:37:10Shaking.
00:37:12I'm going to AA meetings every Thursday and earning sobriety pins.
00:37:18I'm getting another sobriety pin that says six months.
00:37:21Oh my goodness.
00:37:22This is so wicked worse.
00:37:26Shh.
00:37:27Shh.
00:37:28Shhh.
00:37:29Shhh.
00:37:30Shhh.
00:37:30Shhh.
00:37:31Shhh.
00:37:40Shhh.
00:37:42And you know people can get me upset easy because of the way I am, you understand?
00:37:47Yup.
00:37:48No two people are the same.
00:37:49Shhh.
00:37:50Fyck.
00:37:51like anybody all right nobody that's right and they know they can get to me see they know they
00:37:57can get to me it's okay to get mad but it's not okay to be as mad as you've been
00:38:03for the last
00:38:03three days it's not okay to live here it's okay to be that mad but not to live here and
00:38:08be that mad
00:38:09because what happened what are you doing kicking me out there or what no i'm not kicking you out
00:38:12yeah i'm putting out a little warning flag so that you know what the stakes are
00:38:19so why not so that you you know what's going on i'm saying that the way you're gonna kick me
00:38:25out
00:38:25right nope nope i'm not saying i'm gonna kick you out but i'm saying that the situation right now
00:38:31needs to change right i know it it needs to change i know that but i can't help it you
00:38:37see i cannot
00:38:38help it i would be like that if i could all these people are on my ass you know what
00:38:43i mean they're
00:38:43on my ass you know it i believe that you think that they're all on your ass hmm i believe
00:38:51that
00:38:51you think that it isn't that way i don't believe everyone's on after you most of them then most of
00:39:00the problem it's the time it brings me in could you read the first page of the letter the one
00:39:10that
00:39:10read the first page yes okay bob you said you wanted to understand me if you read this you will
00:39:19understand me better when i did something wrong my mother would say to me nancy i am going to tell
00:39:28your
00:39:28father and let him give you another spanking when he comes home so i waited for him to come home
00:39:35and
00:39:36spank me i was always afraid of him my father didn't hug me after he spanked me or say daddy
00:39:44sorry
00:39:45he had to spank you now after i'm grown up i still feel i should be spanked by other people
00:39:52though
00:39:53that's probably why i want to hurt others or myself to do something bad so i can get a spanking
00:40:02for it and knowing i'm still loved how do you want people to love you by spanking me that's the
00:40:12only
00:40:13thing i want so much why is that better than being hugged why is that better than being hugged because
00:40:22you get closer to the person get closer to the person that way just like a person having sex feels
00:40:32cared
00:40:33for they want to be loved so they have sex together and they feel loved about that well this is
00:40:44the
00:40:44way it makes me feel loved i want it and i dream about it and think about it and want
00:40:51it just like a
00:40:52girl wants sex with a boy you know that's the way i'll always be probably
00:41:23i want to do that after every meal mike used to hold down as many as two or three jobs
00:41:33at a time
00:41:34he owned a home in st paul and some country property outside of town now he has nothing
00:41:40he works one afternoon a week in the kitchen for some extra pocket money
00:41:45it's white do you live here too yeah i live here too oh i didn't know that yeah you must
00:41:50be on third
00:41:51well in the residence this must be on third then right yeah i suppose i didn't get them
00:41:59i got them in a black pack in a black pack players have you ever had this kind before i
00:42:06don't know okay
00:42:07i want to check your scratches again for tomorrow these are really old already come okay don't pick them
00:42:15okay show me your arms too that happened a week ago a week ago see that that's old scratch
00:42:24how'd the doctor tell you to take care of these you've been putting cream on what else did he say
00:42:31don't pick them don't scratch no more right what else did he say he prescribed some medicine for
00:42:37menstrual cramps okay what else did he say about your scratches though we almost cut it
00:42:42nothing that's about all don't pick them scratch and he said don't put band-aids on them too
00:42:49right yeah that's right let the air get ahead yeah so they can heal faster that way they're itching
00:42:54right now okay what are you going to do about the itching put cream on it remember what cliff
00:43:02folia told you too that when they itch just to pat them that hurts okay sorry
00:43:14this is lithium and this is not a street drug i want that to be known and i use that
00:43:21mainly for my i
00:43:23guess it's low lithium in the brain so i take more lithium to balance it out i think that's how
00:43:30it
00:43:30goes i'm not sure so i'm going to take this right now
00:43:46that's it and do you notice a significant difference when you're on your medication and
00:43:51taking it regularly definitely i would either be too depressed to get out of bed without my medication
00:44:05or too high to really get anything accomplished do you ever have difficulty feeling a sense of
00:44:14belonging or not belonging to the family the family the friends the community ever i have a difficulty
00:44:22because when what i'm feeling is not just depression but it's it's it's a fear it's a
00:44:28a feeling a fear of failure like you you've um like you've just made your family or you disgraced your
00:44:42family and you just can't see anybody it's so unacceptable it's so i don't know it's so unexplainable
00:44:53i didn't know what's happening to me it was felt it was like water rushing from my body
00:45:00and i couldn't gather it up again i don't know it's it was a long time ago is this difficult
00:45:08for
00:45:08you to talk about now okay
00:45:16today is becky's birthday she came to central manor to spend the afternoon with wade
00:45:22nothing this time because his illness disables him he has no job and he can't afford to buy her a
00:45:35gift
00:45:57happy birthday
00:46:10ever since he was a boy pat has had epilepsy
00:46:15it has made his life very difficult both at home and on the job he is also subject to depression
00:46:22two years ago his wife divorced him after 19 years of marriage and he doesn't know why
00:46:29every man knows why he gets divorced but i don't it's really weird and i just remember her saying she
00:46:36just came on she said pat you know you're in the front room sitting i want a divorce i looked
00:46:41at her
00:46:42i said repeat that you know say it again she said i want a divorce i said why you know
00:46:52and uh i'm having this teacher right now yeah we can talk and uh i said why and she said
00:47:02i don't know if she gave me the reason there or not it's like i blacked it out i didn't
00:47:05want to hear
00:47:05or something you told me the terms of the divorce were that you couldn't go back to the house ever
00:47:11again right is that true i think it's still true what did they tell you well it's just what she
00:47:18told
00:47:18me when i left that you can you can never come in this place again i said okay why do
00:47:26you suppose you
00:47:27said okay so i didn't try to contest it or fight it it's too serious i mean you don't joke
00:47:37with something
00:47:38like that and i didn't know what this i wasn't working at the time and
00:47:47i just didn't i didn't know how to approach something like that i wouldn't know how to fight it
00:47:53this is kelly this is my oldest son pat she's married by the way and this is amy over here
00:48:00and
00:48:01this is andy now but you don't have any more contact with you there these two oldest ones kelly
00:48:07or pat no i do think someday pat will come over and visit me you know and show me his
00:48:14car and
00:48:15maybe have another job or something like that
00:48:20pat has fallen in love with maureen another resident at central manor
00:48:24they're planning to be married in the fall okay i give up happy birthday
00:48:36after celebrating her birthday with wade becky went home later that evening she began hearing voices
00:48:44they were telling her to kill herself she put herself in the hospital and wade was called the next morning
00:48:57she just told me that she's hearing voices and they were telling telling her that she wanted to kill
00:49:21herself
00:49:22last night they were really bad
00:49:28because
00:49:40i'd rather have you in there than dead
00:49:48i'll probably see you tomorrow
00:49:52have a good day
00:49:55love you
00:50:01love you
00:50:01later that night wade decided to walk to the hospital to visit becky
00:50:05it was 20 degrees below zero
00:50:23if i always thought myself mentally ill i would have no hope for myself
00:50:29that's exactly the point i want to crack myself out of that shell by by acting goofy
00:50:38it's not the right way i know that but i do that but what happens when you act goofy
00:50:45well then everybody thinks i'm a nut and why do they think that because they're they think they're
00:50:51seeing the real me a lot of people rich who have your diagnosis you know manic depression
00:50:59that have that problem they think because being manic makes them feel good that it's okay and it's healthy to
00:51:09be that way and it's not
00:51:13it's false it's false it's not real my world is going to start caving in on me
00:51:20yeah when i when i have to go out in the world and get a job i can't be fantasizing
00:51:25i have to be re i have
00:51:27to be the reality rick holzacker when i get a girlfriend i have to talk to her like i am
00:51:33not like like i am rick holzacker i can't be john wayne or elvis presley they won't accept me that
00:51:42way
00:51:42they might accept me by being myself that's a real hard thing for me to do because a lot of
00:51:49myself is so
00:51:53undeterminable it's so iffy i've been hurt
00:51:58with my reality life that i just slip in my fantasy life and everything is okay i can't tell the
00:52:06future
00:52:07but i do know that the longer you try to live in your fantasies that way the harder it's going
00:52:16to be
00:52:17to develop who the real rick holzacker is i'm sure it's right what you're saying i'm i know it's not
00:52:25wrong but i have a hard time at times uh accepting that has come from inside
00:52:38i'm not going to start crying here
00:52:42we had a good session
00:52:45if you want to cry go ahead no my eyes are watering that's enough
00:52:51i mean i don't want to start crying now it's a good time it's a good time talking to you
00:52:57and
00:52:57getting this out in the open and getting me to realize this rick rick that's shit it's not a good
00:53:03time at all like i'm destroying or at least trying to destroy something that you've got a lot of comfort
00:53:11and enjoyment out of that's not a good time my fantasy life is like an easy chair
00:53:18and i just been trying to take a hatchet to it
00:53:22not getting much luck are you well i think you have
00:53:30it is not easy for eve to be with this she is very wary of the world and it takes
00:53:35a long time before
00:53:36she feels she can be safe and trust someone
00:53:44i use the cup no no no well make sure you tell me and show me what you got
00:53:53well you're on meds then you have all the so-called side effects or whatever the meds involved you
00:54:00you being on in the first place and then you know what why you got on the meds so if
00:54:09you're acting
00:54:10crazy but i don't think you i never acted crazy and i was put on meds but they say i
00:54:16was i i remember
00:54:18i was up i was living with colin robert murphy up no up near wadena where my sister and her
00:54:23husband
00:54:23lived and four kids and we were on a farm and i one one day i went we had a
00:54:30pink house we painted red
00:54:33col that's what i called him col and i i went out in the side the side porch and i
00:54:42started having
00:54:44ceremonies for um it was a ritual this was off meds and off anything i wasn't even smoking herb you
00:54:53know
00:54:53marijuana as they call it or anything and um that's what my mother would want me to say to make
00:55:02sure i
00:55:02wasn't on some but you know it's not that you do anyway but anyway um i buried all these skeletons
00:55:16in a ritual it was a and next thing i knew i was down in um um there were skeletons
00:55:26there were bugs and
00:55:27things
00:55:32i was down in uh saint mary's hospital they brought me down to saint mary's and i stayed and then
00:55:39that was
00:55:40in the cow and i was into the hospitals and that was in 1973 and i haven't been out since
00:56:20i don't i like this
00:56:21i do too
00:56:31eve is an artist she was trained to be a painter painting evolved does it change much for you
00:56:37well it constantly changes i mean as you as you progress and uh uh you just pick up what like
00:56:46i
00:56:46didn't think i was going to use yellow at the beginning but it it turned out to be the color
00:56:50that
00:56:51i wanted the most at the end you can't tell what you're going to do with the beginning of the
00:56:54painting
00:56:55and uh you pick up what you see it was many layers ago that i did this pink eve has
00:57:03not been able to
00:57:04paint much in the last few years having a idea in your mind and and putting it on black and
00:57:13white on
00:57:14whether you paint in red and orange put it down on paper and see it it form
00:57:25a new um i hadn't thought this out now let's see form a new a new a new reality from
00:57:36where
00:57:36what you saw it in when you when you originally conceived painting it i mean you you can just um
00:57:44a lot of my painting is just abstract not abstract but uh well representational of
00:57:53of something else but it does it has no um uh you can't see i don't want to talk
00:58:07is that okay pat's youngest son is andy he is
00:58:20the only member of the family who visits pat regularly he sees his father almost every sunday
00:58:34andy usually arrives in time for church
00:58:43after mass pat and his son spend the afternoon together but they don't talk much about the past
00:58:49or about other members of the family
00:58:56you don't have gym do you yeah yeah what do you
00:59:00i'm playing ping pong now oh yeah do you use a basketball for that or what kind of ball
00:59:20you know just probably a volleyball
00:59:26does mom still drive that common or
00:59:29your little yellow carlos no i always sold that oh did you yeah
00:59:34it's a dad
00:59:44You've had pretty good luck with your team, haven't you?
00:59:46In your basketball?
00:59:48No, for two and five.
00:59:54Pat's ex-wife usually picks Andy up at the end of each visit.
00:59:59See you next week, okay?
01:00:02Yeah.
01:00:03Bye.
01:00:03Nice meet.
01:00:16I want a mom.
01:00:19I want somebody to be there for me.
01:00:21I want somebody to take care of me.
01:00:24I hear you.
01:00:28I feel a lot of warmth.
01:00:35I feel secure.
01:00:39I feel like I don't have to worry that someone's going to leave me.
01:00:48Is that your mom?
01:00:50Yeah.
01:00:52I generally refer to her as Julia.
01:00:55Just mix things up.
01:00:56Okay.
01:00:57Okay.
01:00:57Sure.
01:00:58Sure.
01:00:59What was your relationship with her like?
01:01:02I don't remember, I don't remember, to tell you the truth.
01:01:04Really?
01:01:05It's just a lot of it is blank.
01:01:08Every once in a while I have something come back to me, but very few things have come back yet.
01:01:14Well, do you remember more of your father and your relationship with your father than you do of your relationship
01:01:19with your biological mother?
01:01:21Oh, yeah.
01:01:22Oh, yeah.
01:01:22Much more.
01:01:23This is Julie and myself.
01:01:26Mm-hmm.
01:01:27On the house that's got tears.
01:01:29And you can't recall this moment or what was going on then or anything with your mom?
01:01:36No, I can't.
01:01:37There's actually one picture where Julie was sitting in a chair and I actually had to ask who that woman
01:01:43was.
01:01:44Really?
01:01:44You couldn't see that Julie was your biological mother?
01:01:48No.
01:01:49Do you have any memory of early childhood or up to the time she died, any memory of her at
01:01:54all during that period?
01:01:55Or is the entire relationship with your biological mother just a blank?
01:02:02It's all a blank.
01:02:05How about you go and just check where your feelings are at?
01:02:08Yeah.
01:02:15There's nothing there.
01:02:18It's just blank.
01:02:21Can you feel yourself breathing?
01:02:23Yeah.
01:02:24Okay.
01:02:26Why don't you pay attention to that for a minute and breathe all the way down.
01:02:34You got everything.
01:02:41You know, they sit around there and they gossip and everything like that.
01:02:45What's that?
01:02:47It's usually about me.
01:02:50What do you think they're talking about?
01:02:53Well, probably different ways to bug me.
01:02:58Look at them trying to bug me.
01:03:01Look at that guy who's trying to bug me.
01:03:03See?
01:03:05They're stupid.
01:03:06Really stupid, those people over there.
01:03:08They're stupid.
01:03:10But these people are so low mentality, honest to God, really.
01:03:14You know what I mean?
01:03:15And they got their nerve to bug me.
01:03:20Everything seems so hateful.
01:03:21I mean, the people seem so hateful.
01:03:23And I don't know if that's my imagination, but you know what I mean?
01:03:30Do you have any family around, Maureen?
01:03:32Yes, I do.
01:03:33I got seven sisters.
01:03:34Do you get to see them much?
01:03:36No, I don't want to see them.
01:03:42They hate me anyway, my family.
01:03:57I like to knit.
01:03:59It's relaxing.
01:04:01I like to do needlepoint and embroidery and counter cross stitch and rag hooking and Swedish weaving and crocheting.
01:04:48How about that picture up on the wall there, dance for you?
01:04:52That's a ballerina.
01:04:55Picture of a ballet dancer I drew.
01:04:59She's on, I seen her on Danceweaver, and I thought she was so cute dancing like that I wanted to
01:05:04keep it.
01:05:05That's why I like dancing.
01:05:07That's why I like, that's why I got a ballerina on the wall, because I want to, because I like
01:05:11to see her dance.
01:05:12Dang!
01:05:16There's a picture of my kitty cat and a puppy dog.
01:05:19Here's a picture of Brian.
01:05:20Here's the workshop I drew the other day.
01:05:23Basketball, court, parking lot, and me.
01:05:25What does that say in the, uh, in between there?
01:05:29Hey, foxy mop panel mama, that's me.
01:05:32Janet attends a special living skills program outside Central Manor.
01:05:37Here's a good mop.
01:05:39She prides herself on her cleaning talents.
01:05:42This mop is tearing off loose.
01:05:49Well, so far, a mop ain't streaking.
01:05:51Oh, there's streaking.
01:05:53See what I mean about this dumb mop and streaks?
01:05:56Come on, mop.
01:05:57Quit streaking, mop.
01:05:58Mop.
01:05:59I don't mind mopping floors.
01:06:01Mop streaks, I don't like.
01:06:05It means to mop.
01:06:07I told my boss to get some new mops.
01:06:11For your rag mops.
01:06:13That stupid old, dumb old sponge mop.
01:06:19Dumb mop.
01:06:21There, the floor looks beautiful.
01:06:25Beautiful.
01:06:32That's why they call me mop panel mama.
01:06:36Read it over.
01:06:37Get an idea of what it's about.
01:06:38If you have any questions, ask me.
01:06:39Then we can sit down and fill it out.
01:06:40Oh, all right.
01:06:41But this is also on the supplemental assistance, the MSA.
01:06:44Oh, I see.
01:06:44So that'll go along with the Social Security stuff.
01:06:48You can keep this to keep it in.
01:06:50All right.
01:06:51After more than six months at Central Manor,
01:06:53Mike told his caseworker that he wanted to begin making plans to move out
01:06:57and be on his own.
01:06:58All we need to do is fill it out before then.
01:07:00But why don't you take some time, read it over.
01:07:02Any questions, let me know.
01:07:04All right, our...
01:07:05See you later.
01:07:06Yeah.
01:07:08First, Mike went to public housing to apply for an apartment.
01:07:12We'll fill out an application.
01:07:14And then after that, you'll be interviewed by one of the rental people,
01:07:17rental technicians.
01:07:19Oh, all right.
01:07:27You have no savings account, no checking account, no U.S. savings bonds, no stocks, no real estate, no cash?
01:07:34No.
01:07:35I got some cash on me, a little bit.
01:07:38I got about $30, something like that.
01:07:40But not cash in excess of $100?
01:07:42No.
01:07:43Do you own any real estate?
01:07:44No, I don't.
01:07:45Do you have a business?
01:07:47No.
01:07:48Have you disposed of any assets for less than fair market value in the last two years?
01:07:52No.
01:07:53Okay.
01:07:54You're getting Social Security $4.90 a month?
01:07:57Right.
01:07:57Is that Social Security disability?
01:07:59Right.
01:08:00Are you disabled or handicapped?
01:08:02I'm disabled.
01:08:04And what is your disability?
01:08:06Emotional illness.
01:08:10Later in the week, Mike went to the welfare office to make sure all his records were up to date.
01:08:17Okay.
01:08:17Your wife, is this where she's living right now?
01:08:19Right.
01:08:21Okay.
01:08:22As soon as that divorce becomes finalized, I want you to send in a copy of the divorce decree.
01:08:28All right.
01:08:28Okay.
01:08:31I'm afraid of failing.
01:08:33You know, I'm afraid of not being able to make it and be in the same boat again in a
01:08:37year from now.
01:08:38I'm scared of all them things.
01:08:40If I go out there, I want to do it this time.
01:08:42I want to be able to hold down a job, and I want to be able to support my kid,
01:08:46give him a little bit of money.
01:08:48I've had a lot of normal times in my lifetime.
01:08:50I've had a lot of good jobs.
01:08:52I've had a home.
01:08:53Now, I just, you know, I don't have nothing.
01:08:55And that's scary not having nothing.
01:08:58No money.
01:08:59No home, no car, you know, not a family no more.
01:09:03I'm out of control, you know, in that sense.
01:09:07No, I don't have a grip on life.
01:09:16Oh, look at the flower.
01:09:18Look at that flower.
01:09:21Exquisite.
01:09:21Oh, God, I wish my mom could see this.
01:09:25Rick attends a special program four days a week.
01:09:28It's called a pre-vocational program.
01:09:31It doesn't teach him specific job skills, but focuses instead on how to behave once he has a job.
01:09:38Set it right in there just like that.
01:09:39Put it back where you got it.
01:09:42That's fine, that's fine.
01:09:43What I have to do is make a life out there for me.
01:09:48There's no life out there.
01:09:49This is the life in here.
01:09:51That's what I live in.
01:09:54And that's what I trap myself in.
01:09:56And if I don't break out of it, I'll never have a normal life.
01:10:02My name is Deke Branchald-Lunzke.
01:10:03I'm a social worker from Central Manor.
01:10:05And I'd like to make an appointment for Marina to see Dr. Lung as soon as possible.
01:10:10Because she's feeling like a need for a change.
01:10:13It's pretty urgent.
01:10:14I'm agreeing with her.
01:10:15She's real agitated right now.
01:10:17See, Deke?
01:10:18That's pretty urgent, you know what I mean?
01:10:20Yeah.
01:10:21Nothing sooner than that.
01:10:23It'll be a week before Maureen can see her doctor's nurse.
01:10:27And two weeks before she can see her doctor.
01:10:29So Wednesday at 9.
01:10:31And two weeks before she can see her doctor, her doctor.
01:10:48Now they'll see her doctor's nurse Dr. Lung.
01:10:51They'll see her, her doctor in the last second.
01:10:51They'll see her doctor to me.
01:10:52One year in three weeks before he can see her doctor.
01:10:52And I'll see her doctor.
01:10:52Is that the doctor?
01:10:53Who she's is Mr. Lung.
01:10:53honk to see her.
01:10:54Why do she psychiatrist?
01:10:55I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:10:56She's coming, I've come in before the father.
01:11:24And I usually play about me and Ronnie sticking together and helping each other out too, you
01:11:29know.
01:11:29That's the most important.
01:11:33I like to picture the Virgin Mary, you know.
01:11:37That's the one I like.
01:11:41It makes you feel good, you know.
01:11:42That's all.
01:11:43It makes you feel good.
01:11:46I'll always be like this.
01:11:48I'll always have a bad like this all my life.
01:11:51That's the way it is because of the way I am.
01:11:57But with all Ronnie, I could not exist, you know.
01:12:00I survived.
01:12:01I mean, survived.
01:12:02Exist, I could, but not survived.
01:12:07Come on, don't take it out, Marie.
01:12:10It feels a little hot.
01:12:19Yeah.
01:12:20Yeah.
01:12:23Well, ma'am.
01:12:25Well, ma'am.
01:12:26Male office.
01:12:29Male office.
01:12:32Male office.
01:12:56They say I'm schizophrenic, which I am, I know that, hate to admit it, but I am.
01:13:11I'm getting paranoid about people, what they think of me and, you know, all that kind
01:13:16of stuff.
01:13:17They think I'm crazy or they think I'm weird or whatever, I guess I worry about that a
01:13:23lot.
01:13:24It seems like I'm fighting for my sanity all the time.
01:13:26I'm not going to say happy birthday.
01:13:28I'm not going to say happy birthday.
01:13:32I'm not going to say happy birthday.
01:13:58This tab is better than Jack Daniels, better than beer.
01:14:04I drink this every time I buy something to drink.
01:14:10Wait until I get some more money, I might buy something.
01:14:13Full taste of it.
01:14:15And have it up in my room for treatment, guys.
01:14:19Father, you got a cup and you put some ice in a cup, at least I can drink to pop
01:14:23all this.
01:14:24A large cup, a 12-ounce cup.
01:14:29Thanks a lot.
01:14:33I'm going to go somewhere else and talk with you guys.
01:14:36Why don't you buy us some ice cream?
01:14:45Janet was thrown out of this restaurant for talking to herself.
01:14:50A few days before, the manager told us, Janet had caused a disturbance when the restaurant
01:14:55was full at lunchtime.
01:14:57I was sitting at a cigarette.
01:15:00There's no ashtrays on those tables over there.
01:15:04Don't worry, I won't be.
01:15:05I'll talk to those boys.
01:15:08The only reason I ask is because during our rush hour and lunch hour, she came in and
01:15:13made a lot of trouble for her customers.
01:15:15And so I don't want to end up a long ender.
01:15:18Sure.
01:15:19I appreciate that.
01:15:20I want to find out this woman.
01:15:22I understand.
01:15:23I'm trying to run a business and she's in there.
01:15:26Don't come back.
01:15:27What if I do?
01:15:28What are you going to do?
01:15:30Call the cops?
01:15:32I've been in jail before.
01:15:34I don't want to go again.
01:15:35What would I do wrong?
01:15:36I was just one of those set down.
01:15:38I just come from work.
01:15:40Come from a place.
01:15:44Don't you ever do it again or I'll sue you.
01:15:48They don't want me that long.
01:15:49Dumb.
01:15:51Eastman.
01:15:52Yes.
01:15:52Some guy threw me out for very close.
01:15:54I was talking.
01:15:55And I was talking to myself.
01:15:57You were?
01:15:58I was talking.
01:15:59Let's go talk to yourself someplace.
01:16:01Where do you want to go?
01:16:02Where are you headed for?
01:16:03I want to sit down there.
01:16:05I got sore throat.
01:16:07Okay.
01:16:07Why don't you come this way?
01:16:08We'll sit down.
01:16:08We're here.
01:16:11I don't know why they threw me out.
01:16:13I wasn't doing nothing.
01:16:15I'm not going there again.
01:16:20What would you like to tell them?
01:16:22I'm sorry how I'm being.
01:16:24And they say, that's all right.
01:16:26We know you can't help it.
01:16:27I'd be happier.
01:16:29Little kids laugh at me, think I'm a clown.
01:16:32That hurts.
01:16:33They just look at me funny and turn their heads.
01:16:36I don't want to talk about that.
01:16:37It hurts me.
01:16:39There's nothing I can do about it.
01:16:41I can't just deal with it the best way I can.
01:17:07I don't want to tell the whole world that I'm mentally ill.
01:17:10Or that I'm crazy.
01:17:12I want to go out in the world.
01:17:14I want to show them that I can go out in the world and not act crazy.
01:17:20And I can still fantasize, but keep it to myself.
01:17:25And not use other people who might not understand.
01:17:31I cried three times today.
01:17:34I went in my room.
01:17:37I dreamt that my mother ran out on me.
01:17:45What makes you happy?
01:17:47What do you like?
01:17:49Dancing.
01:17:50I say dance.
01:17:51Dancing.
01:17:53Dancing makes you laugh.
01:17:58The ballet is the prettiest thing.
01:18:00It's beautiful.
01:18:03What's the prettiest thing about the ballet?
01:18:05Don't pick, Janet.
01:18:06Don't pick.
01:18:08The plie.
01:18:09Let me go like this.
01:18:13Like this.
01:18:20I like ballet so much.
01:18:21I dream about it sometimes.
01:18:23I mostly dream about my mother.
01:18:28Because I feel that I can never get another spanking from anyone, you know?
01:18:32So I think about jumping out the window or dying in bed.
01:18:39And I think I deserve to be loved, don't you?
01:18:42Very much so.
01:18:45Do you ever think that you actually would kill yourself?
01:18:51Well, I have thought of it real deep.
01:18:59Yes, I believe I would.
01:19:03But I lost all my real friends because of being in this system.
01:19:10They just, my, even my family has kind of let go of me.
01:19:14You know, they don't do things with me or anything.
01:19:18They kind of leave me out in the open, you know?
01:19:20They don't, I don't know, we're just not that close anymore.
01:19:27But I have another family.
01:19:29I got Mike.
01:19:29I'm not going to wipe off your tongue.
01:19:32Come here.
01:19:33When Mike asks you about the time that you were living here,
01:19:37what are you going to explain to him?
01:19:39I don't know.
01:19:40I don't know what to tell him.
01:19:42It's really embarrassing.
01:19:44I'll have to explain to him, you know, someday about it.
01:19:48Same with my other two boys.
01:19:50That I do have a problem.
01:19:51That I'm schizophrenic.
01:19:53I hope they love me just the way I am.
01:19:58I always wanted the best for my boys.
01:20:01You know, I wanted to do exactly what was right for them.
01:20:05You know, I can do it for them.
01:20:07At least I can do it for them.
01:20:09Let them know they got a good dad.
01:20:12Open your eyes, Aaron, and look at your mom.
01:20:15So you know you're not alone.
01:20:21How about tell her what you're feeling?
01:20:27I feel scared.
01:20:34I don't think my parents knew what was happening.
01:20:37It was just happening.
01:20:38It was just making the change from a normal little boy
01:20:43who used to play kickball to a guy who couldn't handle being a man.
01:20:49They were crying over their son that was growing ill.
01:20:54And they couldn't, I think, I think they were crying because they couldn't stop it.
01:20:59They couldn't do something to stop it.
01:21:04Seems like this is sort of like the last stop before we're on the street.
01:21:09It's like a slow death.
01:21:11They'll probably kill people like us because we're different.
01:21:15You know what I mean?
01:21:19Our Father, who art given, hallowed be thy name.
01:21:22Thy King who come, thy will be done on earth as to heaven.
01:21:25Give us this day, our Lady, bring and forgive us our trespasses,
01:21:29as we forgive those who trespass against us.
01:21:34We finished our work at Central Manor a few months ago,
01:21:36but the stories of the people we met did not end when we left.
01:21:41Some of them have progressed, while others have not.
01:21:44Unfortunately, we can't know how quickly
01:21:47or how completely psychological wounds may heal.
01:21:50We can't predict the course one's sickness may take.
01:21:54For many people, mental illness is a condition from which they may never be free.
01:21:58A few days before we left Central Manor,
01:22:02Mike surprised everyone by announcing that he was leaving.
01:22:06Less than a week after he moved out,
01:22:08Mike had to put himself back into the hospital,
01:22:10and currently he's living at another halfway house and is doing well.
01:22:15Nancy had a brief but difficult period of frustration and anger,
01:22:19but she's calm again.
01:22:21She's now learning sign language.
01:22:24Maureen became more difficult.
01:22:26She had to be re-hospitalized,
01:22:28and she's now living at another halfway house.
01:22:30But Ron is still at Central Manor, living by himself.
01:22:35Wade has become more depressed,
01:22:38and his relationship with Becky remains shaky.
01:22:42One night when he was feeling especially low,
01:22:45Rick took an overdose of sleeping pills.
01:22:48Fortunately, he didn't harm himself,
01:22:50and his caseworker reports that he is doing better than ever.
01:22:54Pat moved out with Maureen,
01:22:56but things have not gone well,
01:22:58because it's hard for them to manage a household by themselves.
01:23:02Their relationship is being strained in unexpected ways.
01:23:07After more than eight months of sobriety,
01:23:09Janet went out and got drunk.
01:23:11She's moved out of Central Manor and is living now at a chemical dependency facility.
01:23:17Aaron became frustrated with his therapy, and he stopped going.
01:23:21Recently, however, he renewed his commitment to therapy
01:23:24and has once again returned to the program.
01:23:27Eve still keeps very much to herself.
01:23:31The people we met at Central Manor suffer with the pain and confusion of mental illness.
01:23:37They live alone in a world that is fragile and uncertain.
01:23:41False starts and sudden setbacks often make the road to recovery a shadowy path.
01:23:46No beginning and no end.
01:23:49They need to know that they've not been abandoned.
01:23:52They need to know that whether or not they recover, they belong to the human family.
01:23:57They need to know, as we all do,
01:24:00that there is someone who cares whether they live or die.
01:24:05I'm Dave Moore.
01:24:25I'm Dave Moore.
01:24:26I'm Dave Moore.
01:24:35I'm Dave Moore.
Comments