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00:20it's just all unreal you know all the stuff that you think everything you you think of as a fantasy
00:25I mean comes true tonight on frontline mental illness in its many forms it's a devastating
00:32disease I cannot help it I would be like that if I could all these people are on my ass
00:37you know
00:38what I mean they're on my ass it terrorizes its victims pushing them into a dark and lonely world
00:43where thoughts become disorganized and race out of control or where feelings become blunted hollow
00:50and flat little kids laugh at me think I'm a clown that hurts the cruelty is compounded by isolation
00:58frequently the mentally ill are abandoned by family and friends tonight a matter of the mind
01:16this is Central Manor it's a halfway house in st. Paul Minnesota for the 60 to 70 people who live
01:23here it offers a safe haven after the battering and turmoil of a psychological storm most of the
01:30residents have been hospitalized before many more than once it's impossible to know how quickly or
01:37how completely the wounds of the mind may heal some of the residents stay for only a few months others
01:44stay for years when Nancy was a child her parents thought her behavior was odd and when she was 12
01:53they
01:54put her in a state institution where she remained until she was 18 you ever see so many dolls in
02:00all
02:00your life this one in the yellows my favorite this one's my second favorite where's that from France made in
02:13France how long have you been collecting these 12 12 12 years it'll be 13 years in February 13 years
02:24I've collected dolls
02:27what do you like about them so much they're pretty to look at they're pretty to look at uh who
02:36are those
02:37people up there my niece and nephew here they are over here that's Kathy Kathy and here's here's David
02:51he's eight years old now this is his recent one mm-hmm he's my brother's little boy and that's my
03:01brother's
03:01little girl she's 13 now and that's me that's me Nancy has lived most of her life within the mental
03:13health system separated from her family recently she lost all her hearing she can understand others
03:19only by lip-reading bride and groom some people that I know my my brother's wife's brother and that's
03:31his wife gets dusty and then here's my father he's a nice-looking man for his age I take three
03:46kind I take
03:47four pills really artane stelzine melarelle and pavera those are the only four I take
03:57but if I didn't take that medicine I'd have to go to an institution I really would like nearly all
04:05the other residents of Central Manor Nancy relies on medication to help control her illness these
04:11neuroleptic drugs don't cure mental illness they only help to subdue its symptoms and make life more
04:17manageable but frequently they produce unpleasant side effects drowsiness blurred vision muscle
04:23tremors dry mouth weight gain and slurred speech to name just a few although many side effects can
04:30be kept in check with additional medications there is a danger in long-term use of these drugs they can
04:36cause permanent nerve damage despite 30 years of debate over the use of neuroleptics professional
04:44opinion weighs heavily in their favor and most of the people at Central Manor told us the side
04:49effects are worth it if the medication can protect them from the horrors of the disease observe run for
04:56stiffness med reaction yeah anything from the other day was it a toxic reaction by any chance he was looking
05:05better when I saw him he was looking better yeah when somebody else saw him later in the day okay
05:09good
05:09um I think he's probably just made contact with him continue to draw him back into reality talk about
05:17realistic things with him he's responsive if somebody's there to respond to him but he's not going to seek
05:24anyone out right so we've got it when we see him seek him out give him good feedback if he's
05:30not isolating
05:31himself to how they found out that that I was manic depressive was by me think where my my reality
05:42in my
05:42final fantasy mel mixed together and I thought I could transport myself into another century and
05:51and just escape from everybody and it this this method does not work um when I'm sick I can't pull
06:09them
06:09apart I can't say whoa Rick stop cool down in that that's when I'm getting sick and that's when
06:21the hospital may be needed when I can pull myself when I can I might start this start swinging Adam's
06:32sword or
06:32something and I just prance around but I can I can keep myself from going under then then that means
06:45that
06:45that I'm healthier I can I've learned how to how to differentiate from fantasy and reality and this is my
07:01our team what does our change our team
07:12I'll give it a shot I could be wrong but I'll give it a shot it blocks the shaking right
07:18it's for side
07:19effects what is lithium do it controls my my Rick was first hospitalized shortly after he graduated from
07:30high school he's lucky because his family has stayed close to it before he goes home for a weekend
07:36visit Rick and his social worker review his medications her job is to help him learn how to live with
07:43his
07:43illness what does stelazine do you wouldn't accept it if I said I wouldn't I don't know right I want
07:52you to give it a guess okay
07:56I think it's also for science facts okay see if any of this sounds familiar and when you remember
08:05interrupt me and finish it off okay stelazine is an anti-psychotic drug oh yeah do you want to continue
08:14no
08:19do you remember I remember that part now it's an anti-psychotic drug I don't I still don't know what
08:27it does but I don't know what an anti-psychotic drug is what it does is changes some of the
08:33chemicals in your brain
08:34so that it helps you to think more clearly and if you have delusions or hallucinations it would make those
08:46go away
08:58there's none in here
09:04Mike is the father of three young sons two are from his first marriage and one is from his second
09:11both marriages broke up because of Mike's chronic mental health problems he feels lucky because his
09:18second wife brings his youngest son by for frequent visits it was just a lot of paranoia and a lot
09:24of
09:25scary thoughts that I've had you know they were really hard to deal with and I didn't take my medication
09:30too so that had a lot to do with it now I'm on medications and I feel like I can
09:37handle it now
09:37pretty much you know I know what's real and what isn't real before I didn't know what was real and
09:43what wasn't real is that scary oh yeah it really is no no it's just like if I had a
09:52real close friend
09:53to talk to or something it would have been so bad but I didn't have nobody to talk to or
09:57nothing
09:57and not having my wife there not having my little boy there anymore you know being all alone and not
10:05having a family and have no direction or purpose or anything just being it's being out of control
10:12it's just you can't explain it it's just it's just all unreal you know all the stuff that you think
10:18everything you you think of as a fantasy I mean comes true only it's in your mind it's not visually
10:24but
10:24it's in your mind and it's and it's there you know and you can't you can't see the the realness
10:33or the
10:34unrealness of it and I keep having these breakdowns I've had them for 15 years though I got to go
10:40on
10:40medications and then I get off them and I go back on medications and I go off them and I
10:45get back on
10:45them you know I want to get off or I don't want to get off the medications I want to
10:52I want to get
10:53normal I want to I want to be like you guys you know I want to be out there in
10:58the world and
10:58experiencing normal things and normal behaviors normal normal people and
11:09come up here you know what what is Michael Michael well he means a lot to me he means
11:24he means my future
11:31he's in my plans for the future as far as buying him stuff and being with him and growing up
11:39with
11:39him from time to time
11:44what does he do for you in terms of how he makes you feel brings tears to my eyes
11:52he always does that gets me emotional
12:04how many balls pool pool well I play pool yeah all right no he means a lot to me
12:19how often do you get to see him like oh just about any time I want to I want to
12:25I want to
12:25my wife knows I was a good father to him
12:31yeah I've been away from God for about two weeks you know what I mean God and I thought that
12:37God
12:39everything bad seems to happen to me you know I mean I'm praying to God all the time and nothing
12:44happens with a good you know so I went away from God for two weeks and now I'm back with
12:48him
12:51have things gotten better yeah things are
12:55but i i don't know uh see how to say it because i see i'm mentally ill i'm hard of
13:03hearing and
13:03i'm different see i got all that on me nobody else could survive my life nobody
13:10but when you pray do you feel god listens when you what when you pray do you feel god listens
13:17god listens but i don't then why do you continue to pray
13:26because uh i think he's got a mission for me you know what i mean
13:33there must be some reason why i had a suffer all my life see and in catholic religion or i
13:39know i
13:39know about the other religions but they teach that the more suffering you go to more heavily you are
13:45and the more pious you are you know what i mean and still believe in god
13:56that's hard you know
14:00at one time maureen was married to ron although they have been divorced for a few years they still rely
14:07on each other for support and companionship it's difficult for them when they are separated and
14:12not placed in the same mental health facility they've been together at central manor now for
14:16almost two months people look at me different and they shun me you know what i mean and i that's
14:24why
14:24i have everything bad happen to me because you know the people people just don't go with me you know
14:29there's something i mean uh that i can't communicate and that you know they don't want nothing to do with
14:34me
14:38we've known we've known each other for about 11 years
14:4212 years 12 years about i'll be 12 in about april or something like that 12 years wow
14:57are you very close yeah very close extremely close
15:05how does ron help you
15:10well
15:12let's see let's see
15:13say support
15:14yeah he gives me support and uh i don't know he shows me that you know
15:21i don't know i i uh he had a life like me he's like me that's why he's like me
15:27what do you need from her what do i need
15:36it's about being holstered you know i companionship you know
15:53this rug this rug takes a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of skill
16:01i don't know what you're doing in order to do these rugs
16:05i learned how in high school i made a purple rug in high school
16:10the purple rug was this big
16:17it was a little kid's rug it had a clock
16:20it had a picture of a clown i made it for my sister when she was pregnant
16:27janet was just a child when she was stricken with tourette syndrome
16:31a disease of the nervous system that causes her to make sudden movements and
16:35sounds that she cannot control
16:36but janet has other problems as well
16:39she scratches the skin off her face arms and legs
16:42whenever she gets nervous and upset
16:44and she is addicted to alcohol
16:47well i see a nigger i had a stretch in him
16:50nigger i had a stretch in him since i was a
16:52grade school child about nine years old
16:57first i started out grunting
16:59as i got older he used to go like this like this one
17:02breast
17:04now he used to go like this
17:06i got the answer
17:09now i just nigger
17:10i say nick and i get
17:12stick tongue out once in a while when i get my
17:14when i get that month it gets worse
17:18otherwise the hell of all is taking care of the rest
17:23that's all i got to say i've been in a lot of hospitals for that
17:27had a lot of blood tests
17:30had a lot of um brain scans
17:36people that don't know strangers think i'm crazy
17:40sometimes i think it's because i can't get a boyfriend
17:43because of trest syndrome
17:45unless i get a man who has it
17:50nobody else wanted me to say
17:52i wanted to ask you um how
17:54how do you deal with this syndrome
17:56how do you try to live with it
17:58what do you have to do
17:59take medicine
18:02that's all i can do
18:03there's something i can do about it
18:04i can't
18:05i can't do nothing about it
18:08i wish there was a cure
18:12is there anything else you'd like to tell us
18:14to help us understand better so that
18:17when you say that strangers don't understand
18:20what would you want them to understand about it
18:22i want them to know i can't help what i do
18:25sometimes i swear
18:27sometimes i go
18:30that's part of the nerve problem
18:34i say dance like that
18:38kind of funny
18:40but it's not to me
18:42how does it make you feel
18:44how do you feel about it
18:45sometimes i'm sad about it
18:46but nothing i can do i say
18:54well
18:55that's about all
18:58nigger nigger nigger's my mother
19:00my mother had a stroke
19:02on january 1st of 1984
19:04a year ago
19:06now she's in birchwood nursing home
19:10i like to
19:10i like to go see her again
19:13sometimes i cry for my mother
19:17what do you want to do janet
19:19what would you like to do
19:20the rest of your life
19:21clean i like to clean
19:23i love to clean
19:26i always want to become a dancer though
19:32can you imagine me
19:33intelligent dancing
19:36dance
19:36dance
19:38it'd be fun
19:41do you do much dancing here
19:43whenever there's a party
19:44but i can never find a partner
19:46so i don't want to dance
19:48unless i got a partner
19:51seems like i gotta dance
19:52to the broom or something
19:54but i can't find a partner
20:01this is lithium
20:03and this is not a street drug
20:05i want that to be known
20:07and i use that mainly for my
20:09i guess it's low lithium in the brain
20:11so i take more lithium to balance it out
20:15i think that's how it goes
20:17i'm not sure
20:19so i'm going to take this right now
20:33that's it
20:34and do you notice a significant difference
20:36when you're on your medication
20:38and taking it regularly
20:40definitely
20:41i would either be too depressed
20:43to get out of bed
20:44without my medication
20:51or too high
20:54to really get anything accomplished
20:57do you ever have difficulty feeling a sense of belonging or not belonging to
21:03the family
21:05the family
21:06the friends
21:06the community
21:07whatever
21:07i have a difficulty
21:09because
21:09what i'm feeling is not just depression
21:13but it's a fear
21:14it's a fear of failure
21:17like you
21:25like you've just made your family
21:28or you disgraced your family
21:29and you just can't see anybody
21:33it's so unacceptable
21:35it's so
21:37i don't know
21:38it's so unexplainable
21:40i didn't know what was happening to me
21:42it was felt
21:43it was like water rushing from my body
21:46and i couldn't gather it up again
21:50i don't know
21:51it's
21:52it was a long time ago
21:54is this difficult for you to talk about now
21:56yeah
21:57okay
21:59and you know people can uh get me upset easy
22:02because of the way i am
22:03you understand
22:04no two people are the same
22:06i know but i'm not like anybody all right
22:09nobody
22:09that's right
22:10and they know they can get to me see
22:13they know they can get to me
22:15it's okay to get mad
22:17but it's not okay to be
22:18as mad as you've been for the last three days
22:22it's not okay to live here
22:23it's okay to be that mad
22:24but not to live here and be that mad
22:26because what happens
22:27what are you doing kicking me out then or what
22:28no i'm not kicking you out
22:29yeah
22:30i'm putting out a little warning flag
22:32so that you know what the stakes are
22:35so why not
22:37so that you know what's going on
22:39i'm saying that
22:40the way you're gonna kick me out right
22:42nope
22:42nope
22:43i'm not saying i'm gonna kick you out
22:45but i'm saying that
22:46the situation right now needs to change
22:50right i know it
22:51it needs to change
22:53i know that but i can't help it you see
22:54i cannot help it
22:56i would be like that if i could
22:57all these people are on my ass
23:00you know what i mean
23:00they're on my ass
23:01you know it
23:02i believe that you think that they're all on your ass
23:07i believe that you think that
23:09it isn't that way
23:10i don't believe everyone's after you
23:14most of them then
23:15most of them
23:18it's a time to bring me
23:25eve is shy
23:26and the world is a threatening place for her
23:29it takes a long time before she is able to trust someone and feel safe
23:37want to use the cup eve
23:40no
23:41no
23:42well make sure you tell me and show me what you got
23:45okay
23:47well you are mad
23:48you have all the so-called side effects or whatever the meds involved you
23:54you've been on them in the first place
23:57and then
23:59you know why you got on the meds
24:02so if you're acting crazy
24:04but i don't think you
24:05i never acted crazy and i was put on meds
24:09but they say i was
24:10i remember i was up
24:12i was living with colin robert murphy up near wadena
24:16where my sister and her husband live
24:17and four kids
24:19and we were on a farm
24:20and i
24:21one day
24:22i went
24:23we had a pink house
24:25we painted red
24:26col
24:27that's what i called him
24:28col
24:29and i went out on the side porch and i started having ceremonies for um it was a ritual
24:40this was off meds and off anything i wasn't even smoking herb marijuana as they call it or anything
24:52and that's what my mother would want me to say to make sure i wasn't on some but you know
25:00it's not that you do anyway
25:02but anyway um i buried all these skeletons in a ritual it was a and next thing i knew i
25:14was down in um um um there were skeletons there were bugs and things i was down in uh saint
25:28mary's hospital they brought me down to saint mary's hospital
25:31they brought me down to saint mary's stories and i stayed there and i stayed there and then that was
25:33the end of cow and um
25:48i was into the hospitals and that was in 1973
25:54and i haven't been out since
26:19okay i'm gonna check your scratches again for tomorrow
26:22these are really old they're really come on
26:24okay don't pick them
26:25okay
26:27show me your arms too
26:29that happened a week ago
26:31a week ago
26:32see that's old scratch
26:36how'd the doctor tell you to take care of these
26:39by putting cream on
26:41what else did he say
26:43don't pick them don't scratch no more
26:45right what else did he say
26:47he prescribed some medicine for menstrual cramps
26:50okay what else did he say about your scratches
26:52we almost cut it
26:54nothing that's about all don't pick them scratch
26:57okay he said don't put band-aids on them too
27:01right yeah that's right let the air get it yeah so they can heal faster that way
27:06they're itching right now okay what are you gonna do about the itching
27:11put cream on it
27:13remember what cliffolia told you too that when they itch just to pat them
27:19you need to touch that hurts that hurts okay sorry
27:23okay
27:38hey
27:54Mike used to hold down as many as two or three jobs at a time he supported his
27:58family owned his own home and had some country property outside of town now he
28:04has nothing he works in the kitchen one afternoon a week for some pocket money
28:08yeah Mike do you live here too yeah I live here too could you read the first page of the
28:15letter
28:15the one that read the first page yes okay Bob you said you wanted to understand me if you read
28:24this
28:24you will understand me better when I did something wrong my mother would say to me Nancy I am going
28:33to tell your father and that him give you another spanking when he comes home so I waited for him
28:41to
28:41come home and spank me I was always afraid of him my father didn't hug me after he spanked me
28:49or say
28:50daddy sorry he had to spank you now after I'm grown up I still feel I should be spanked by
28:57other people
28:58though that's probably why I want to hurt others or myself to do something bad so I can get a
29:07spanking
29:08for it and knowing I'm still loved how do you want people to love you by spanking me that's the
29:18only
29:19thing I want so much why is that better than being hugged why is that better than being hugged because
29:28you get closer to the person get closer to the person that way just like person having sex feels cared
29:39for
29:40they want to be loved so they have sex together and they feel loved about that well this is the
29:50way it makes me feel loved I want it and I dream about it and think about it and want
29:57it just like
29:58a girl wants sex with a boy you know that's the way I'll always be probably
30:08but I lost all my real friends because of being in this system to just my even my family has
30:18kind
30:18of let go of me you know they don't do things with me or anything kind of leave me out
30:24and in the
30:25open you know they don't I don't know we're just not that close anymore if I always taught myself mentally
30:34ill I
30:34would have no hope for myself that's exactly the point I want to crack myself out of that shell
30:42by by acting goofy it's not the right way I know that but I do that but what happens when
30:51you act
30:52goofy well then everybody thinks I'm a nut and why do they think that because they're they think they're
30:59the real me a lot of people rich you have your diagnosis you know manic depression have that
31:10problem they think because being manic makes them feel good that it's okay and it's healthy to be that
31:18the right way and it's not it's false it's not real my world is going to start caving in on
31:28me yeah when I
31:30when I have to go out in the world and get a job I can't be fantasizing I have to
31:34be I have to be the
31:35reality Rick Holzacker when I get a girlfriend I have to talk to her like I am not like like
31:43I am Rick
31:45Holzacker I can't be John Wayne or Elvis Presley they won't accept me that way they might accept me by
31:53being myself that's a real hard thing for me to do because a lot of myself is so undeterminable it's
32:03so iffy I've been hurt with my reality life that I just slip you know my fantasy life and everything
32:12is okay I can't tell the future but I do know that the longer you try to live in your
32:22fantasies that way
32:23the harder it's going to be to develop who the real Rick Holzacker is I'm sure it's right what you're
32:32saying I'm I know it's not wrong but I have a hard time at times accepting that has come from
32:42inside
32:47I'm not going to start crying here we had a good session if you want to cry go ahead no
32:56my eyes are
32:57watering that's enough I mean I don't want to start crying now it's a good time it's a good time
33:04talking
33:05to you and getting this out in the open and getting me to realize this Rick Rick that's shit it's
33:11not a
33:11good time at all like I'm destroying at least trying to destroy something that you've got a lot of
33:19comfort and enjoyment out of that's not a good time my fantasy life is like an easy chair and I
33:27just
33:28been trying to take a hatchet to it not getting much luck are you well I think you have I
33:37like this
33:38I do too Eve is an artist she was trained to be a painter as you see the painting evolve
33:47does it
33:48change much for you well it constantly changes I mean as you as you progress and you just pick up
33:57what like I didn't think I was going to use yellow at the beginning but it turned out to be
34:03the color
34:03that I wanted the most at the end you can't tell what you're going to do at the beginning of
34:07the painting
34:08and you pick up what you see it was many layers ago that I did this pink although she has
34:15tried
34:15several times Eve has not been able to paint for the last few years having an idea in your mind
34:23and
34:24putting it on black and white and whether you paint in red and orange put it down on paper and
34:35see it it
34:37form a new um I hadn't thought this out now let's see form a new a new a new reality
34:49from where what you
34:51saw it in when you when you originally conceived painting it I mean you you can just um a lot
34:58of my
34:58paintings just abstract not abstract but uh well representational of of something else but it does
35:10it has no um uh you can't see I don't want to talk is that okay sure
35:41no they sit around there and they gossip and everything like that usually about me
35:50what do you think they're talking about well probably different ways to bug me
35:58look at them trying to uh bug me look at that guy they're trying to bug me see
36:05they're stupid really stupid those people over there they're stupid these people are so low
36:11mentality honest to God really you know what I mean and they got their nerve to bug me
36:19everything seems so hateful I mean the people seem so hateful
36:22and I I don't know if that's my imagination but you know
36:29do you have any family around Maureen yes I do I got seven sisters do you get to see them
36:35much
36:36no I don't want to see them
36:42they hate me anyway my family
36:50come here when Mike asks you about the time that you were living here what are you going to explain
36:58to him
36:58I don't know I don't know what to tell him it's really embarrassing I'll have to explain to him you
37:05know
37:05someday about it same with my other two boys that I do have a problem I'm schizophrenic I hope they
37:13love me just the way I am I always wanted the best for my boys you know I wanted to
37:21do exactly what was
37:22right for them you know I can do it for them at least I can do it for them let
37:28them know they got a good dad
37:30I can.
37:34ain't my mother a nice-looking mother in this picture? ain't my mother a nice-looking
37:39woman mama
37:43Mama
37:44Mama
37:45how about that picture up on the wall there dance fever
37:49That's a
37:50that's a ballerina picture of ballet dancer he's drew
37:56she's on i seen her on dance weaver and i thought she was so cute dancing like that i want
38:01to keep
38:02it oh that's why i like dancing that's why like that's why i got a ballerina on the wall because
38:07i want to because i like to see her dance dang this picture my kitty cat and a puppy dog
38:16here's a picture of brian here's the workshop i drew the other day basketball court parking lot
38:22and me what does that say in the uh in between there hey foxy mop handle mama that's me
38:29each weekday janet attends a living skills workshop at a local community center
38:34here's a good mop she prides herself on her cleaning talents this is a beautiful mop
38:39this mop is tearing off loose
38:46well so far mopping's freaking oh there's freaking
38:49that's what i mean about this dumb mop and streaks come on mop quit streaking mop mop
38:57i don't mind mopping floors but mop streaks i don't like
39:00it ain't me it's the mop
39:05i told my boss to get some new mops
39:08bring a rag mops
39:10that's stupid old dumb old sponge mop
39:16dumb mop
39:18there the floor looks beautiful
39:29that's why they call me mop handle mama
39:43i like to knit it's relaxing
39:47i like to do needlepoint and embroidery and counter cross stitch and rag hooking and swedish weaving
40:03and crocheting i'm proud of my work because then i can give it to someone who my love
40:25what i have to do is make a life out there for me there's no life out there this is
40:31the life in here that's what i live in and that's what i trap myself in and that's what i
40:38trap myself in and if i don't break out of it
40:39i'll never have a normal life
40:45oh look at the flower look at that flower exquisite oh god i wish my mom could see this
40:55rick attends a pre-vocational program four days a week
41:00it doesn't teach him specific job skills but focuses instead on how to behave appropriately
41:05once he has a job
41:06sit right in there just like that put it back where you got it
41:11that's fine that's fine read it over get an idea what it's about if you have any questions ask me
41:15then we can sit down and fill it out
41:16oh all right but there's also on the supplemental assistance the msa oh i see so that'll go along with
41:22uh the social security stuff
41:24you can keep this to keep it in all right after more than six months at central manor mike decided
41:30he wanted to move out and live on his own
41:32he asked his social worker to help him make his plans
41:35fill it out before then but why don't you take some time read it over any questions
41:40all right let me know all right see you later yeah
41:44first they went to the public housing agency so mike could apply for an apartment
41:48we gotta we'll fill out an application and then after that you'll be interviewed by one of the rental people
41:53rental technicians
41:54oh all right
42:04you have no savings account no checking account no u.s savings bonds no stocks no real estate no cash
42:11no i got some cash on me a little bit of i got about thirty dollars something like that
42:16but not cash in excess of one hundred dollars no
42:19do you own any real estate no i don't do you have a business no
42:23have you disposed of any assets for less than fair market value in the last two years no
42:30okay you're getting social security 490 a month right is that social security disability right
42:36are you disabled or handicapped i'm disabled and what is your disability emotional illness
42:45later in the week mike went by himself to the welfare office to make sure all his financial records were
42:51up to date
42:53okay your wife is where she's living right now right
42:57okay
42:59soon as that divorce becomes finalized i want you to send in a copy of the divorce decree
43:04all right
43:04okay
43:08i'm afraid of failing
43:09you know i'm afraid of not being able to make it and be in the same boat again in a
43:13year from now
43:14i'm scared of all them things
43:16if i go out there i want to do it this time i want to be able to hold down
43:20a job and i want to be able to
43:22support my kid give them a little bit of money
43:24i've had a lot of normal times in my lifetime i've had a lot of good jobs
43:28i've had a home
43:30now it's just you know i don't have nothing
43:32and that's scary not having nothing no money no home no car you know not a family no more
43:40i'm out of control you know in that sense
43:44i don't have a grip on life
43:45okay
43:49um my name is deke branch out i'm a social worker from central manor
43:53and i'd like to make an appointment for maureen to see dr lung as soon as possible
43:58because she's feeling like a need for a change it's pretty urgent i'm agreeing with her she's a real
44:03she's real agitated right now
44:05see deke that's pretty urgent you know what i mean
44:08yeah nothing sooner than that
44:10it will be another week before maureen can get to see her psychiatrist's nurse
44:14and two weeks before she can see her psychiatrist
44:17so wednesday at nine
45:04and i usually pray about me and ronnie sticking together and helping each other out too you know
45:10that's the most important
45:14i like i like to picture a virgin mary you know
45:18that's the one i like
45:22makes you feel good you know that's all you know it makes you feel good
45:27i'll always be like this i'll always have a bad like this all my life
45:31you know that's the way it is
45:33because of the way i am
45:37but uh
45:38without ronnie i could not exist you know
45:41i survived i mean survived exist i could but not survive
45:47come on don't think it happened
45:50ma'am
45:52ma'am
45:54ma'am
45:55ma'am
46:00ma'am
46:01ma'am
46:02ma'am
46:13ma'am
46:14ma'am
46:14ma'am
46:15ma'am
46:15ma'am
46:16ma'am
46:17ma'am
46:17ma'am
46:17ma'am
46:17ma'am
46:17ma'am
46:18ma'am
46:19ma'am
46:21ma'am
46:21ma'am
46:22ma'am
46:22ma'am
46:23ma'am
46:27ma'am
46:29ma'am
46:30know that eight to a minute I am getting paranoid about people what they think of me and you know
46:46all that kind of stuff they think I'm crazy or think I'm weird or whatever I guess I worry
46:53about that a lot seems like I'm fighting for my sanity all the time
47:19this tab is better than Jack Daniels better than beer I drink this every time I buy something to drink
47:30oh wait till I get some more money I might buy some full case of it and have it up
47:36in my room
47:36treating guys oh you got a cup and you put some ice in a cup at least I can drink
47:43to pop out of this
47:45a large cup a 12 ounce cup thanks a lot
48:06a few days before the manager told us Janet caused a disturbance by swearing when the restaurant was
48:12full at lunch time he told her to leave I was sitting at a cigarette there's no ashtrays on
48:22those tables over there oh don't worry I won't be I'll talk to those boys
48:47don't come back what if I do then what are you gonna do call cops I've been in jail before
48:54I don't want to go again what would I do
48:57wrong I was just sit down I just come from work although she disturbed no one today the manager
49:03told her to leave again don't you ever do it again or I'll sue you they don't want me that
49:10one
49:12don't please man some guy threw me out of the very thin and stuff and I and I was talking
49:17to myself you were I was talking let's go talk to yourself some place where do you want to go
49:22where you're headed for
49:23some I want to sit down there with a problem I got a sore throat okay why don't you come
49:28this way we'll sit down
49:31I don't know why they threw me out I wasn't doing nothing what would you like to tell them
49:38I'm sorry how I'm being and they say that's all right we know you can't help but I'd be happier
49:45little kids laugh at me think I'm a clown that hurts they just look at me funny and turn their
49:52heads
49:53I don't want to talk about that hurts me well there's nothing I can do about it just deal with
49:58it the best
50:19I don't want to tell the whole world that I'm mentally ill or that I'm crazy I want to go
50:26out in the
50:26world I want to show them that I can go out in the world and not act crazy and I
50:33can still fantasize but keep it to
50:37myself and not use other people who might not understand I cried three times today I went in my room
50:49I dreamt I dreamt of my nigger nigger I dreamt of my mother ran out on me
50:57what makes you happy what do you like dancing I say dance dancing dancing makes you laugh
51:10a ballet is the prettiest thing beautiful what's the prettiest thing about them don't pick Janet don't pick
51:20the plie let me go like let me go like this like this
51:32I like ballet so much I dream about it sometimes I mostly dream about my mother
51:40because I feel that I can never get another spanking from anyone you know so I think about jumping out
51:47the
51:47window or dying in bed and I think I deserve to be loved don't you very much so do you
51:57ever think
51:58that you actually would kill yourself well I have thought of a rock real real deep yes I believe I
52:11would
52:14not long after this interview we finished our work at Central Manor Nancy still lives there she spends
52:20most of her time alone in her room Rick took an overdose of sleeping pills fortunately he didn't
52:28harm himself he was recently hospitalized for a few weeks and now lives at another halfway house
52:34in st. Paul after eight months of sobriety Janet began drinking again her condition got worse
52:41and she too was hospitalized for a time currently she lives at the same halfway house as Rick Eve still
52:51keeps to herself not long ago she moved out of Central Manor to another halfway house a few days
52:58before we finished our work Mike suddenly decided to move out he said he was getting better and he no
53:04longer needed the support of the mental health system but within a week he put himself back into the
53:09hospital now he lives alone in a room at the YMCA it seems like this is sort of like the
53:18last stop
53:19before we're on the street you know like a slow death they'll probably kill people like us because we're
53:26different you know what I mean Ron and Maureen are separated Ron is in another halfway house and Maureen
53:36after continued deterioration of her condition had to be committed to the state mental hospital
54:07so
54:20you
54:22you
54:22you
54:23you
54:24you
54:24you
54:25you
54:26you
54:28you
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