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The Cleaner Season 1 Episode 5 [Full Movie] [English Subs]Full EP - Full
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00:29Satsang with Mooji
01:02Hi.
01:03You from the police?
01:04No.
01:05Sort of.
01:06Your mates left about two hours ago.
01:07Oh, yeah.
01:08I always come after them.
01:09I've...
01:09Oh, my God.
01:11What?
01:12Where'd you get that T-shirt?
01:13It's so cool.
01:14I don't know.
01:15I've had it years.
01:16Thought it might be from the vintage place in town.
01:18Looks proper eighties.
01:19Probably is proper eighties.
01:20I probably bought it in the proper eighties.
01:22Shut up!
01:23You shut up.
01:24Come on.
01:24I'll show you what happened.
01:25Hey.
01:27Parents have got good taste.
01:29That's my car.
01:38I know you'll never be mine, but no one could love you the way I would have loved you.
01:45What are you doing?
01:46Oh, no.
01:47I was just...
01:48No, she's good now.
01:49Yeah.
01:49Good as gold, that is.
01:50Yep.
01:54In here.
02:15Well, you've stolen my childhood.
02:18Ugh.
02:20I'm totally obsessed with the eighties stuff.
02:22Literally anything made in the eighties.
02:24Have you seen Stranger Things?
02:25That wasn't made in the eighties.
02:27But you're like eighties too.
02:29Yeah.
02:30I'm from the eighties.
02:31Amazing.
02:32Like Back to the Future?
02:33Yes.
02:35Roads, where we're going.
02:37We don't need roads.
02:41You haven't seen it, have you?
02:43No.
02:43No.
02:45I've got to update me socials.
02:46You're cool to do your thing, put tape up or whatever.
02:49Yeah.
02:50Cool, whatever.
02:51Vibe.
02:52What?
02:53I don't know.
02:54Just felt right to say vibe.
02:57Why?
02:59What happened with the...
03:00Ugh, man.
03:01This dude came round to wire in the arcade machine and bam!
03:04Bam?
03:05Bam!
03:06What's bam?
03:07Just went up.
03:08What's a fuse?
03:10They stop people going bam.
03:11Thank God I was out.
03:12Blood makes me barf.
03:17Poor guy though, eh?
03:18Ugh, I know.
03:20It's like so sad.
03:21Yeah.
03:21I can see you're devastated.
03:23Hi guys.
03:23So today I'm going to do a vintage haul.
03:25I've been sending loads of amazing stuff.
03:27Some of it's just old, but this is actual.
03:29I'm going to get my stuff.
03:30Oh!
03:30Oh, wait.
03:32Before you go, are you cool if I check something with you?
03:38Is that a tray of onions?
03:57I'm in shock.
03:59Something terrible is happening.
04:02I don't know what to say.
04:04Sorry, I need a moment.
04:07I know this is going to worry a few of you and...
04:10I'm behind.
04:12No.
04:14No, I'm not.
04:16I can't do this now, but I'll be back in 30 minutes to tell you how my life has changed.
04:22Forever.
04:22Forever.
04:29Well?
04:31Jesus Christ.
04:32Did it make you want to like and subscribe?
04:34Like and subscribe?
04:35Like and subscribe.
04:36I don't know.
04:37Please say yeah.
04:38I can't.
04:39I don't know what it means.
04:40Well, say your like and subscribe.
04:42I can't say like and subscribe to something that I don't understand.
04:45I don't know what like and subscribe is.
04:46Just say it!
04:47One button.
04:47That's all it is.
04:48Just say it.
04:49Please, for me.
04:50Jose is me.
04:51What is it?
04:51Like and subscribe.
04:52How can I agree on Twitter if I don't understand this one?
04:54How can I agree on Twitter if I don't understand this one?
04:55Because I literally just want you to like and subscribe.
04:56That's it.
04:56One button.
04:57One button.
04:58Please like and subscribe.
04:59Like and subscribe!
05:04Thanks so much.
05:18I can't do this now but I'll be back in 30 minutes to tell you how my life has changed.
05:23Forever.
05:24Do you buy all this stuff then?
05:26Oh, most of it got sent to me.
05:28Can I play with some of it?
05:30Sure.
05:34I used to be able to do these.
05:35What do you mean?
05:37You know, do them.
05:37Complete them.
05:38I didn't know you could do them.
05:40I thought you'd just switch to stickers.
05:41Well, I can complete them.
05:42Are you like Professor Brian Cox?
05:45I'm exactly like Professor Brian Cox.
06:06Ta-da!
06:08Fuck off!
06:09You fuck off.
06:10This is going to break the internet.
06:11I'll DM it you.
06:12I think there's probably already videos of people doing a Rubik's Cube online, mate.
06:16You should upload it.
06:17I mean, I can't do it.
06:17Because of the big announcement.
06:19What socials you on?
06:20Oh, I'm only on Facebook.
06:22I don't use that.
06:23I keep getting death threats from this woman.
06:25You should look her up, actually.
06:26It's funny.
06:26The tattooed MILF.
06:28You should get an instrument in TikTok.
06:30My niece is always banging on about that.
06:32What is TikTok?
06:33What's TikTok?
06:41That's TikTok.
06:42Well, I do not like it.
06:46I'm not uploading that.
06:47I don't like any of this social media stuff.
06:49Who wants to know how people are doing?
06:51Chris Marner's got an Audi R8 now.
06:53At school, he got suspended for eating the hood off a girl's coat.
06:56You wouldn't have to do any of this police business anymore
06:58if you've got enough followers.
06:59I'm sorry.
07:01What is your job?
07:02I'm Hummel on Hosea.
07:08Jesus Christ, Grandad.
07:10Do you want a computer?
07:11Yeah.
07:11My mate Weasel got it for me, though, and the keyboard's confusing.
07:15Well, look me up some time.
07:16I will.
07:17Do you know your name in Chinese symbols?
07:20Catch you later.
07:24Loving the sexy police onesie, by the way.
07:45When I just saw you, something stood within me
07:50You're standing salty in the rain
07:55If I could have held you
07:58I would have held you
08:00Rip it up and start again
08:04Rip it up and start again
08:09Rip it up and start again
08:10Rip it up and start again
08:13I know
08:15I hope to God
08:15You're not as loud as you make out
08:18I hope to God
08:20I hope to God
08:22I hope to God
08:23And I hope to God
08:24I'm not as loud as you make out
08:27I hope to God
08:42And when an egg star in your heart reach out for you, my arms touch like glue to my side.
08:51Oh my god, what the fuck?
08:53Oh, dude, this is bad.
08:55What have you done?
08:56I'm sorry, I was thirsty.
08:57You drank now?
08:58Those cans are 35 years old, I got them on eBay.
09:01Never mind that, you've cleaned up all the blood.
09:03Yeah, it's my job.
09:04You said you were the police.
09:05No, you said I was the police.
09:06Well, what are you?
09:08A crime scene cleaner.
09:09You're a cleaner?
09:10Crime scene.
09:10Who's just a cleaner?
09:11Who are you?
09:12Why didn't you say you were just some cleaner?
09:14Yes, I'm not.
09:15Says he's not.
09:16Well, he is.
09:17I'm not.
09:17What?
09:18What are you, dude?
09:18I'm a crime scene cleaner.
09:20If you're clean, you're a cleaner and you've basically ruined my life.
09:23Well done, cleaner.
09:25Not cool, bro.
09:29Cool t-shirt, mate.
09:42What did I do wrong?
09:43You cleaned his content, man.
09:45What?
09:46He needed that content.
09:48Why do you keep saying content?
09:49He was gonna livestream about the dead guy.
09:51Content's money, bruh.
09:53Okay.
09:54I'm not gonna talk to you anymore.
09:55There's clearly something wrong.
09:58Yo, stay where you are.
10:01Yeah, we can't lie that some massive fat dude cleared it up.
10:04Okay, I'll come there now.
10:07Fat?
10:08Yeah, he'll look really fat.
10:17Mate!
10:20Oi!
10:21Mate!
10:25Can you come down?
10:27Are you gonna make me climb up there?
10:30You think I haven't got those skills?
10:32You think I haven't got tree climbing skills?
10:35Alright.
10:36Strap in.
10:38Yes.
10:39Yes, please.
10:41Not a problem.
10:44There he is.
10:46Up he go.
10:48Yeah.
10:51All good.
10:53All good.
10:56Still got it.
10:57You can never lose it.
10:59Whoo!
11:00This used to be like Disney World for us.
11:03Because you were poor boo-hoo.
11:06Look, I don't know what I've done wrong.
11:08I was gonna do a big stream about the guy getting fried
11:10and now it's like it never happened.
11:12People aren't interested in an electrical accident, are they?
11:15I would've filmed Fat Baz down the pub when he blew his thumb off.
11:18Why?
11:18He's trying to hook a crumpet out of a toe stones.
11:21No!
11:22Why?
11:23Are you still talking to me?
11:24I needed that dead guy and you've cleaned him up.
11:26Can't you put it back?
11:28Put what back?
11:29The blood.
11:31Oh, the blood.
11:32Yeah.
11:32God, of course.
11:33I've got some buckets in the car.
11:35We'll go and splash it back on there.
11:36You shitting me?
11:37Yes, I'm shitting you.
11:38Well, congratulations for finding my ruined life so hilarious,
11:41you sad old fuck.
11:44Go and mop up somewhere else.
11:45Well, I don't even use a mop.
11:48Your move.
11:50Look, what's the matter, son?
11:52It's over.
11:54I know that really.
11:57Home Alone Jose is just another Tom from Myspace
11:59or the guy that sang Chocolate Rain.
12:01Oh, that monkey that banged that frog.
12:03So you've heard of the monkey that banged a frog?
12:04The monkey's a legend, mate.
12:08That's me now.
12:09The monkey that banged a frog.
12:13A frog.
12:14A frog.
12:17Blackberry jam.
12:19What?
12:21You can make bloods with blackberry jam.
12:25Come on.
12:26Let's get it done.
12:38I know who I'm sorry.
12:43Come on.
12:47The monkey is my queen.
12:50I know my who mouthed a frog while falling over.
12:57But do you understand the monkey?
12:57That's the way I like it, that's the way I like it, that's the way I like it, that's the
13:07way I like it, that's the way I like it, where you take me by the hand and tell me
13:15I'm your lovely man.
13:22Did you have one in the 80s? I sold it in here.
13:24No. Mum said they were a waste of money. I'd just been to the shops for her to buy 40
13:28fags and a bottle of Cinzano. The irony wasn't wasted. Honey.
13:35So, how do you know how to use it? They're not that complicated. Hey, when we were kids, if we
13:40wanted free stuff, we had to go down the rec and do a dance for Dirty Bertie.
13:44Can't believe people send it at you for nothing. I can't believe you don't know who I am. Well, tell
13:49me what happened.
13:51When I was 16, my parents moved to Italy. I told them I didn't want to go and they said,
13:54fine, that's up to you, you're old enough to make your own mind up and they left me in the
13:57house.
13:58My Insta went mental, lots of jealous little kids imagined a perfect life with no rules. Now I'm rich, the
14:02end.
14:04They left you on your own? I wanted to stay. Yeah. Kids want to eat ice cream that's been dropped
14:08in shit, they shouldn't be allowed.
14:10You got kids? No. Then what do you know about it? I used to be one.
14:14Oh yeah, in the 80s, where your parents smoked fags around you and got drunk on Cinzano.
14:19Cinzano. Whatever. Yeah, they didn't leave us behind though. I don't need them. I'm my own parents.
14:26All right. Shall we?
14:56Well, splurge it down? Splurge it down? No. Do you know much about blood spatter?
15:02Not as much as you know about Instagram. Then listen carefully. From the scene, I can tell you straight away,
15:08it wasn't the shock that killed him.
15:09It wasn't? No. It caused him to spasm, sure. Which meant that he thrashed around here, eventually hitting his head
15:17on this cabinet.
15:20Ew. The blood on that wall was from the head injury. Violent involuntary convulsions from the shock.
15:29Resulting in light to moderate blood spatter. Simple enough to remove from non-porous surfaces.
15:34You'd be amazed how much blood comes from a head injury. So, that was what killed him?
15:39A third degree abrasion? Oh, my sweet child. I very much doubt it. No, he's not done yet.
15:45So, he's thrashing around at the end of a live wire, receiving electrical burns at the point of contact, leading
15:50to a bit more of the old...
15:52Light to moderate blood spatter. Very good. Yes.
15:55Now, eventually, he's thrown this one, where he lands here, on your glass coffee table.
16:03So, it wasn't the archaea machine that killed him?
16:06Glass severes arteries. What does glass do?
16:09Severes arteries. And arteries are connected to...
16:12The heart. Nature's pump.
16:14Pump up the jam.
16:17It's a song.
16:20It doesn't matter.
16:22Can I do it?
16:23I don't know.
16:26Can you?
16:30I was just saying, you can have a go. You should have a go at it.
16:39What was that?
16:41No, God.
16:42Have you any idea how much blood the heart pumps round the body? Put some welly into it!
16:51Now we're talking.
16:53I think you're ready. Sorry. I think you're ready.
16:56I love it.
17:18Because you won't talk the same ķė² more work.
17:33You know, is this what it looked like?
17:36Yeah, it's pretty good.
17:38We just missed one bit.
17:43What the fuck?!
17:44Oh, sorry, I was just...
17:46What the actual fuck?!
18:02Who are you?
18:05I thought I'd lost you.
18:12Blimey, is that a Home Alone Hosea look?
18:15One of them I had to change because somebody squirted jam in my face.
18:20Yeah, sorry about that. Got me carried away.
18:23Why would you do that?
18:27Fun?
18:28Oh, yeah.
18:29Because squirt and jam all over someone is so fun.
18:31You will have a laugh more often than you do, mate.
18:34Bet you've never been in there either, have you?
18:36What?
18:37Four or five cans, couple of tequilas, I'll be straight in there.
18:40It's for fish.
18:41You and your mates have never jumped in there when you're pissed.
18:44I don't drink.
18:46What?!
18:48Why?!
18:49I guess because I'm not a total loser, that's why.
18:52You've got some space hoppers back there.
18:53I bet you've never even been on your space hoppers, have you?
18:55I've got what?
18:59How many followers have you got?
19:01It was five mil, but this dead guy's stream should get the followers back up.
19:04Five million?
19:05I find it hard enough to manage five mates.
19:08I only like four of them.
19:09Weasel's on a final warning.
19:11You've got a friend called Weasel?
19:12Yeah.
19:12We keep trying to get rid of him, but he pulls us back in.
19:16Maybe my life's not so bad.
19:34I just think there has to be some times in your life where no one can get in touch with
19:39you.
19:39Where you're not online at all.
19:41Do you know what I mean?
19:44Over.
19:47It's not working!
19:50The problem is, a 23-year-old living in a house isn't very home alone.
19:55People have stopped finding it cute.
19:57Yeah, I get it.
19:59Classic Michael Jackson syndrome.
20:02I am not like Michael Jackson!
20:04Whoa!
20:04I don't mean full-blown weird Michael Jackson.
20:07I mean, you know, when people first started going,
20:09ah, his best friend's a monkey, is it?
20:12A monkey?
20:13People are saying I'm weird.
20:14Like Tom Cruise.
20:16So what does it matter?
20:17What, a load of strangers think?
20:19Turn your computer off, job done.
20:20What am I going to do?
20:22Become a cleaner?
20:23I'm a crime scene cleaner.
20:25I'm a crime scene cleaner.
20:26Ah!
20:3299 Kriegsminister streichelt
20:35And Benzinkanister
20:37Hielten sich fĆ¼r schlaue Leute
20:40Witter hatten schon fette Beute
20:42Riefen Krieg und Wolkenmacht
20:44Man, wer hƤtte das gedacht
20:47Dass es einmal so weit kommt
20:49Wegen 99
20:52Have you seen?
20:53Looks good, right?
20:54Yeah, bruh, sweet.
20:55We've got the live stream ready to go.
20:56Come on.
20:59Who is that?
21:01My manager.
21:02Oh, he's your manager?
21:04Right.
21:05I just thought he was a village idiot.
21:07He manages all the big influencers.
21:09Come on.
21:10What?
21:10What do you mean?
21:11Well, you've got to be in it.
21:12What? Why?
21:14To make it look proper.
21:15You can clean up in the background.
21:16Clean up the mess we've just made.
21:18Get lost.
21:19Please.
21:21This is a big deal for me.
21:23This is a big deal for me.
21:28Fuck.
21:33Yeah, great.
21:34So this is Baxter.
21:36He's our senior consultant demographer.
21:37So he'll be across Slank.
21:39Live traffic analysis.
21:40Updating user profiles.
21:41And multi-platform Brambridge.
21:43And that.
21:46Fuck me, there's two of him.
21:48Dude, can you start...
21:49Dinging.
21:50Cleaning?
21:51Is that the word you're struggling for?
21:52We're going live any second, Braski.
21:54Well.
21:55I mean...
21:57I could rob it with this, but I'll tell you now.
22:00Without the correct chemical formula, it's just a man moving jam around the floor.
22:03Please.
22:04I'm trying to get into the right headspace.
22:05I've got standards.
22:07I don't want other crime scene cleaners saying this.
22:09Two out of the three of them are real gossips.
22:11I don't want them chatting shit about me on the WhatsApp group.
22:13You know what that's like.
22:13Please.
22:17Hey guys and girls, I'm my non-binary friends.
22:20So yesterday, something mad happened.
22:22Y'all know how much I love the 80s.
22:24So I figured, what's more 80s than an original 80s cabinet?
22:28Bummer alert.
22:29Wasn't why I probably, like, a fuse had gone or something.
22:32This is when things get freaky.
22:39So this guy came on to fix it and was, like, super sweet.
22:42But there was, like, a massive problem in the machine.
22:44And it's, like, totally killed him.
22:49So the police sent some clean-up guy to, like, clean up and that.
22:52But I just wanted my Joseas to know what's been going on with me.
22:58Oh, my God.
22:59Look at what is going on.
23:00My poor little cleaner guy.
23:02Isn't it cute?
23:06So apparently, it wasn't the shock that killed him.
23:08That's why there was so much blood.
23:10That's what you were saying, right?
23:13Er...
23:14Yes?
23:15Tell...
23:16Tell the guys what you were saying about, you know, the coffee table
23:19and something about the archery.
23:21Oh!
23:24Well, you can see from the blood on the wall,
23:27that this was actually the first injury.
23:29The victim would have fallen and hit his head here
23:32against this cabinet, causing this blood spatter pattern.
23:38Well, it wasn't the head injury that killed him, was it?
23:40That's what you were telling me.
23:41Oh, no, no.
23:42This is actually nowhere near as bad as it looks.
23:45You can see that from...
23:47The blood pattern is actually quite localised from the abrasion.
23:52Ooh!
23:53Ooh!
23:54Ooh!
23:55Ooh!
23:55What is this?
23:58Ooh!
24:00Sticky!
24:01Ooh!
24:02Now, that is interesting.
24:04That's actually the victim's wedding ring.
24:06You see, during electrocution,
24:08even the small muscles in the hand, they would tighten,
24:11causing you to fall on.
24:12It's intriguing what you find out about victims in this job.
24:15From that, we know he was married.
24:17From a picture I found in his wallet earlier,
24:19I can tell you he had three small children.
24:22Shut up!
24:23This is not about the dead guy!
24:29Not cool, bro!
24:32Okay.
24:33The stuff about the kids was too much.
24:35Let's go again!
24:39Ooh!
24:40Please!
24:41Cancel!
24:41You're cancelled!
24:42You're done!
24:43But you are cancelled!
24:44We'll rebrand!
24:45You can't rebrand!
24:46You can't uncancell or cancel!
24:48I'm done!
24:48This is done!
24:49You're done!
24:50You're cancelling!
24:51And we're done!
24:52And I'm out!
24:53Okay?
24:54I'm out!
25:16I bought you a cola flavoured soda.
25:19They're not allowed to call it coke for legal reasons.
25:22And because it tastes like piss.
25:27They'll forget.
25:29They'll never forget.
25:31It's there forever.
25:33Where?
25:34In the cloud.
25:36Is it?
25:38You've been sending dick pics, Grandad?
25:40No.
25:42Wish I was born in the 80s.
25:45Yeah, it was good.
25:46No internet.
25:47No phones.
25:49Endless summers.
25:50Yeah, alright, I get it.
25:51The Exxon Valdez oil spill.
25:53The Challenger disaster.
25:56Chernobyl.
25:57What?
25:58Yeah.
26:00The 80s are just like now.
26:01Really great.
26:03Really shitty.
26:04Don't believe the hype.
26:07Jam everywhere.
26:08Yeah.
26:09Funny, innit?
26:10In many ways, it's hard to get out in blood.
26:15I'm like Lady Macbeth.
26:17That damn jam?
26:20You've not seen it, have you?
26:23No.
26:24No.
26:24Of course you haven't.
26:30I'll show you a good way to get jam out.
26:33You're not good at it.
26:34I am.
26:35But you haven't even got jam on you.
26:36No.
26:37I've got no jam on me.
26:37I'm going to jump in a pond just for the sake of it.
26:41Oi.
26:43Put your phone away.
26:44Just do a thing.
26:51Fuck it!
27:11It's freezing.
27:14That is actually awful.
27:16What's that spell?
27:18That's fish shit.
27:19And duck shit.
27:20Ugh.
27:21We should have just jumped in the hot tub.
27:24In the what?
27:27Yeah.
27:28Yeah, you're right. This is better.
27:30Hmm.
27:30We're like the real housewives of Atlanta.
27:32I know, right?
27:35You've not seen it, have you?
27:36No.
27:38So what happened next?
27:39After you've jumped in a pond in the 80s?
27:41Oh.
27:41My mum would bollock us for getting wet and then feed us watery mince and beef.
27:45My life's not so bad, is it?
27:47No.
27:49But maybe leave Hosea at home for a bit.
27:52Go and see some real world stuff, eh?
27:57What is your real name?
28:00What is your real name?
28:01Yeah, stick with Hosea.
28:08Bernard.
28:10You do know Home Alone was filmed in the 90s, right?
28:13It's not 80s.
28:14It's been pointed out to me.
28:18Now the 90s, they were amazing.
28:27I'm not.
28:28But there's a bit of a good experience.
28:28You're a real name.
28:35Cake back with a cleaner some more.
28:37All episodes streaming now on BBC iPlayer.
28:39Actually, there's loads of comedy streaming on iPlayer including the award-winning Famalam from BBC3.
28:45Now talking of award-winning, Graham Norton has award winners with him tonight after the news.
28:51Billy Porter and Geordie Comer.
28:53Now, these dreams arise
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