00:05Oh, Sylvia made her mashed potatoes.
00:11Yeah, they're pretty good.
00:14Good?
00:15They are like happiness in your mouth.
00:19So tasty.
00:21So life-affirming.
00:24Oh, here it comes.
00:28Joey, are you crying right now?
00:32Full scope.
00:36Full scope.
00:40Oh, sunglasses inside.
00:44For you, half scoop, Mr. Cool.
00:50Hi.
00:53Oh, Miss Hollywood, you were singing in the line yesterday.
00:58Half scoop.
01:00No, no, no, no.
01:01See, that was my twin sister, Liv.
01:04I personally can't sing.
01:05Sing it loud.
01:09Please don't half scoop me.
01:11Okay.
01:13Full scoop.
01:15But never sing again.
01:18I promise I will not.
01:22Careful, she's extra prickly today.
01:25Yeah.
01:25Thanks for the warning.
01:27Hey, stink breath.
01:30Hey, rat boy.
01:33You wish rats ate this garbage.
01:37Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:39You are very funny, boy, Joey.
01:42For you, I give special treat.
01:46The shop teacher make for me a double school.
01:54Thank you, Syl.
01:58Yeah.
01:59I don't care what everyone says about you.
02:01You are a black-hearted troll with a horrible personality.
02:11Oh, did I forget to mention?
02:13Syl's my girl.
02:16Oh, did I forget to mention?
02:27Oh, did I forget to mention?
02:39Oh, did I forget to mention?
02:43I'll sing the melody.
02:46When you say, yeah.
02:49I'll say, no.
02:51When you say, stop.
02:54All I want to do is go, go, go.
02:57You, you, the other half of me, me, the half I'll never be, me, the half that drives me crazy.
03:07You, you, the better half of me, me, the half I'll always be, me, we both know, we're better in
03:18stereo.
03:32Diggie! Hey! This is a surprise. There's a little, you have, there's something in your eyebrows.
03:39Oh, yeah, that's, that's frost. It's, um, minus 30 degrees in Tundrapania right now, which means it's almost the start
03:48of swimsuit season, though.
03:50Huh? Uh, look, I really need a favor. The anniversary of the day that I met Maddie is coming up.
03:57I know! Your me-tiversary! Maddie's so excited.
04:02I know, me too. Um, can you pick up her gift at Towner's Sporting Goods for me?
04:06Sporting Goods? Do they sell jewelry at sporting goods stores in Wisconsin and nobody told me?
04:14No, um, I'm getting her these really cool sweatbands.
04:19Sweatbands? Sweatbands? As in, like, bands that hold sweat?
04:24Yeah, I mean, I'd get them myself, but they don't sell sweatbands in Tundrapania because here, if you sweat, you
04:31die from frostbite.
04:34And you're absolutely sure that for your me-tiversary with Maddie, you want to get her sweatbands?
04:42Yeah, she's gonna love them.
04:44She's gonna hate them!
04:47Ugh, Dickie is such a boy.
04:51But you know what? This is Maddie's relationship, so I'm not gonna butt in.
04:56Nope, my butt has better things to do.
05:01Butting out!
05:05I'm totally butting in.
05:11Hey, Mom.
05:13Hello, sweetheart.
05:18What have you done with my mom?
05:20Don't ask questions, Dr. Pidgeys! Take that alien down!
05:23Parker!
05:25It's me!
05:26That's what an alien would say!
05:31Tell us something only Dr. P's mother would know.
05:35All right.
05:36I could tell you Parker's middle name.
05:38No, Mom, don't!
05:41What's wrong with your middle name?
05:44It's the worst middle name in the history of middle names.
05:48Consider my interest piqued.
05:52Oh, no!
05:53You're not finding out my middle name.
05:56Let it go, people.
05:58Oh, I'm finding out.
05:59The people want to know.
06:02Oh, Mom, I can't believe you put this stuff on your face.
06:07No!
06:08Okay, that too cost $100, and this was a $50 squeeze.
06:13What?
06:14Can you believe how pricey that is?
06:17Parker Geraldine Rooney?
06:23Geraldine?
06:24That'd be a step up.
06:27Mom, seriously, you're spending $100 on this,
06:31and yet you won't buy the good baloney?
06:34Boys, all baloney is the same.
06:38She is an alien!
06:40You can give me his middle name, and I'll stand down.
06:45Leslie?
06:47Are you done?
06:58Okay.
07:00Face gabbing in.
07:03Five.
07:04Four.
07:06Three.
07:07Two.
07:08Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
07:19What are you doing?
07:20Oh, I, no, I thought you were counting me in.
07:28Hey, Rudy.
07:30Stop.
07:34Stop.
07:37Listen, I only have a few minutes to face gab.
07:40The Tundrabanian Internet is about to go offline.
07:43What?
07:44No, we, like, barely got to talk yesterday.
07:47I know.
07:48I'm bummed, too, but it's third winter,
07:50so it's even too cold for satellite waves to be outside.
07:55Will we at least get to face gab for our anniversary tomorrow?
07:59Oh, definitely.
08:02And sent you a little something.
08:06I sent you a gift, too.
08:08I'm so excited.
08:10I put a lot of time and thought into it.
08:12Actually, I put more thought than time,
08:13because after I sent it, I still thought about it.
08:15I'm still thinking about it right now.
08:17I'm so excited.
08:20Oh, and gift inequality.
08:23Maddie's going to give Diggy something really sweet and meaningful,
08:26and all Diggy's going to give her is sweatbands.
08:31Maddie's going to be so crushed.
08:33I mean, like, sweat-free, but just so crushed.
08:38I can't wait.
08:39Oh, you're going to love your gift.
08:41Not as much as you're going to love mine.
08:43I don't know.
08:44Mine's pretty great.
08:45Mine's relationship-defined.
08:46Well, mine's...
08:51I so totally won that, right?
08:55Oh, Jack, love is so weird.
08:59What do you think you got me?
09:02What?
09:03Uh, why are you asking me?
09:05Why would I know that?
09:08Why are you looking at me?
09:09Five, four, three, two.
09:11Oh, yeah, yeah.
09:26Hey, Sylvia.
09:28The circus called.
09:30They want you back in your cage.
09:34Enjoy your double scoop, Mr. Funny Man.
09:39Sylvia, what's that, uh...
09:40What's that picture behind you?
09:43That's my dog, Boris.
09:46Oh, dog?
09:47I thought someone pinned that disgusting thing up to scare the cockroaches away.
09:55Did you just insult my Boris?
10:00My darling baby poochie pie?
10:08Oh, what are you doing?
10:11What are you?
10:13Half scoop.
10:15No.
10:19Corner scoop.
10:22I didn't even know there was a corner scoop.
10:25Oh, what is that?
10:31Aged, pickled fish.
10:34In my country, we serve to prisoners, traitors, and people who hurt my feelings.
10:41Come on.
10:43It's your boy, Jojo.
10:46Time to go-go, Jojo.
10:49Oh, Sylvia.
10:50No.
10:53Sylvia.
11:10I would like to say this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in this backyard,
11:15but honestly, it's not even close.
11:19Welcome to the ground floor of Dr. P's Cosmetics.
11:23Our motto is, you give us your loot, we make it cute.
11:29I looked at the ingredients in your tube of beauty and realized we can make it ourselves.
11:34Wait, wait.
11:35You're making beauty products?
11:37It was easy.
11:39We just had to farm some honey, get algae from Reggie's fish tank,
11:43and go to the Stevens Point Caverns to harvest bat poop.
11:49Now, you could go to the store and pay $100 for face cream,
11:56or you can try art cream for the low, low price of two months' worth of bologna.
12:04The good bologna.
12:07Wow.
12:08Homemade cosmetics from sixth graders.
12:10How tempting.
12:13Go ahead and be skeptical.
12:14But the only thing you have to lose is years off your face.
12:20It works.
12:21I'm 25, but you never know it.
12:26Okay, I'll give it a try.
12:30Smart move, Mrs. Roondog.
12:32It's gonna make you more beautiful than you already are.
12:36Oh, I am so close to telling you Parker's middle name.
12:40Mother.
12:41Huh?
12:42I will release the bees on you.
12:51Elmer, stop.
13:01Oh, hi, honey.
13:03Feel my elbows.
13:06Weird, but I'm game.
13:13You should feel what this cream did for my feet.
13:16Ew.
13:18Wait.
13:19No, ew.
13:23Mom, I need to talk to you about something.
13:25So, Diggy asked me to help pick up a gift for Maddie.
13:29That is so sweet.
13:31What did he get him?
13:35Um, sweatpants.
13:36No.
13:38No.
13:38Yes, this is, uh, Diggy's idea of a romantic gift.
13:42Ugh.
13:43Boys.
13:45You know, for our first wedding anniversary, your father got me a stepstool.
13:53Okay, and don't you wish Dad had had a helper to stop that gift disaster before it happened?
13:59Every time I change a light bulb.
14:02Okay, good.
14:03Because I sort of helped Diggy with Maddie's gift, even though he doesn't know I helped him.
14:08Is that totally wrong?
14:10Because I got this and I think it's super cute.
14:12Oh, that is an adorable Ridgewood porcupine.
14:17You did a very nice thing for your sister.
14:21Thanks, Mom.
14:23Although, you know, it does feel like something's missing, doesn't it?
14:25How about we lose the sweatpants and add...
14:30This.
14:31Oh.
14:32Oh.
14:35You're welcome, Diggy.
14:37Do you always have a tiara in your bag?
14:40You never know when you might need one.
14:42Mm-hmm.
14:47Hey.
14:49What's up, Hobbit?
14:52Something's different.
14:54Did you start bathing with soap?
14:59You insulted Boris.
15:03Carter scoop.
15:06Next.
15:07I was starving.
15:10And not just for food, but also for the chit-chat over chipped beef.
15:15So I decided to take a page from Liv and Maddie's twin buck.
15:20Boris?
15:22Your darling baby Poochie Pie?
15:25Sylvia.
15:26Syl, Syl.
15:27I would never make fun of him.
15:30Oh, wait, wait, wait.
15:34Was my identical twin brother here yesterday?
15:37You don't have an identical twin.
15:41Sure I do.
15:42His name is Michael.
15:44He just got back from Europe where he's been studying chess.
15:47He enjoys strudel-making and pretending to be me and ruining my good name.
15:54You never mentioned a twin before.
15:57Yeah, well, you never mentioned the hair coming out of your ears, but we both know it's there.
16:04If you really have a twin, you bring him here tomorrow to apologize.
16:11Oh.
16:13You want my identical twin brother here tomorrow.
16:16Okay.
16:17Not a problem.
16:19So, how about a double scoop of those fluffy mashed potatoes as a show of good fate?
16:28You're right.
16:29Tomorrow's perfect.
16:38Oh, yes!
16:40My meat-a-versary gift from Dickie is here.
16:45Nope.
16:47No.
16:47He wants to open these together over a face gab.
16:52I can do that.
16:54I'm a very patient individual.
17:00But not today, because it's our meat-a-versary!
17:05I was so happy to give Maddie and Dickie the greatest meat-a-versary ever.
17:11I bet that cute little porcupine is sopping wet with tears of joy right now.
17:23Hey!
17:26Hey!
17:31Um.
17:33Wow.
17:34Looks like a crime scene in here.
17:37What happened?
17:39Love died.
17:44Yeah.
17:45Yeah.
17:45Diggy sent me this stupid stuffed porcupine, and I thought it was a gag, and there was something
17:50good inside, so I tore it apart.
17:52And then when there was nothing good inside, I tore it apart some more.
17:58Uh, why is a stuffed porcupine stupid?
18:03I mean, you two are both rich with porcupines.
18:06That sounds really meaningful and-and-and touching to me.
18:12Well, not compared to the incredibly meaningful gift that I sent him.
18:18What did you send him?
18:21Please don't be sweatpants.
18:23Please don't be sweatpants.
18:23Please don't be sweatpants.
18:24Please don't be sweatpants.
18:26I got him sweatpants.
18:28No!
18:36No way!
18:39Sweatpants!
18:40What a great gift!
18:43Why is that a great gift?
18:49Okay, this is gonna sound really silly, but the day that Diggy and I met,
18:54I had just finished whipping him in basketball, and-
19:01Hey, sweetie.
19:03You just lost to someone a foot shorter than you.
19:19Better get a rematch, Rooney.
19:26Oh, sweatpants have huge emotional meanings and ramifications and nuances.
19:34Yeah, but I guess the whole thing just meant nothing to him.
19:41Kind of feel like an idiot.
19:47Maddie!
19:52Hi, so I have something to tell you.
19:55And get ready to laugh.
19:59Yeah, she did not laugh.
20:03Liv, how could you?
20:05Well, the good news is you don't have to be mad at Diggy anymore.
20:08You're right.
20:09I'm not mad at Diggy.
20:10I'm mad at you.
20:11But I was just trying to help.
20:13Well, you didn't.
20:14Because of you, when Diggy face-gabbed me, I yelled,
20:17How could you be so stupid?
20:19And then I hung up on him.
20:21What?
20:22No, um, okay.
20:23We'll just call him back.
20:25We'll make it right.
20:26Oh, well, I can't.
20:27The Tundrabanian internet is down until tomorrow.
20:30Liv, you've ruined my meet-a-versary.
20:34I didn't mean to-
20:35Well, you did.
20:37Can you just stay out of my relationship with Diggy?
20:40And while you're at it, might as well stay out of my life.
20:54Greetings, madame.
20:56I am my girl, Joey's twin.
20:59The jokester who you found not so funny.
21:05What do you look like, Joey?
21:08Oh, weird identical twins.
21:10What aren't you understanding about this?
21:13Anyway, please accept my apology.
21:16Your dog is adorable.
21:18There is no need to bodice my brother, Joey,
21:21of whom I am identical to,
21:23and sometimes pretend to be.
21:29When you installed the bodice,
21:33you no talk with accent.
21:35Well, it's all part of the ruse
21:38to pretend I am Joey.
21:41Nerd stuff.
21:43What is happening?
21:45Booyah!
21:51Get Joey.
21:53I want to see him, too.
21:56Oh, Joey.
21:58My pleasure.
22:00Once again, your dog is magnifique.
22:04Mwah!
22:07Hey!
22:10Michael said you wanted to see me?
22:12You are both wearing the same outfit.
22:15Oh, uh, well, our mother used to dress us alike as kids,
22:21and Michael never grew out of it.
22:25I want to see you and your brother together
22:29at the same time.
22:32Oh, okay.
22:34I'll get him.
22:35But for the record, you have trust issues
22:38that you really need to work through.
22:43Here we are, Sylvia.
22:45Me and my identical twin brother, Michael.
22:49Cute dog.
22:50Ha, ha, ha.
22:52Ha, ha, ha.
22:56You're not buying any of this, are you?
22:58No.
22:59But I wanted to see how far you were going to go with it.
23:07Look, Sylvia,
23:08I didn't know you would be so sensitive about your dog.
23:11I'm really, really sorry.
23:14Tell me what I gotta do
23:15to get us back to how we used to be.
23:19It's not me that you have to apologize to.
23:31Okay, is it just me,
23:34or is Boris maybe slightly, just a little bit, dead?
23:41He lives on in my heart.
23:44Now apologize.
23:49Boris,
23:50please accept my apology.
23:55Now make smoochy-woochy
23:57with my poochie-poochie.
24:12We couldn't help our breath?
24:14Oh, I am good.
24:16But you probably have fleas.
24:24So,
24:25your mom liked the skin cream?
24:28Yep.
24:29And now I'm up to my ears in bologna.
24:33And not just any bologna.
24:36Lunsford's Ranch Bologna.
24:38The best bologna of all!
24:42More bologna aid.
24:47I'd be delighted.
25:00Parker!
25:02Oh, she sounds mad.
25:06Start the baloney!
25:20Whoa.
25:22What happened?
25:23Your cream happened.
25:26Reggie,
25:27you will now hear Parker's middle name.
25:29No, Mom, no.
25:31Yes.
25:32Parker's middle name is...
25:35It's bad enough that my best friend knows.
25:38You guys aren't finding out.
25:41Oh, man!
25:43Oh, man!
25:43You ain't your son!
25:46Well, I never intended his name to be punishment,
25:49but I'm glad it is.
25:52I can't wait to tell everyone at school your name is Parker!
25:56Nothing to see here, people.
25:58Move along!
26:05Hey, what are you doing?
26:07I'm trying to get Diggy back on FaceGap for like 24 hours now.
26:12Okay, be careful with your computer.
26:15It's Liv's.
26:15Huh.
26:16Okay, carry on.
26:21Okay, Maddie.
26:23I am so sorry that I messed up your meetiversary,
26:26but I got you a second gift,
26:28and I think it's going to really make up for it.
26:30Wait, Liv!
26:31I don't want another gift from you.
26:33And there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make this up to me.
26:36No, no, no, no.
26:37Okay, listen, Maddie.
26:38I know what I did wrong.
26:39I should have put the sweatbands on the porcupine before I gave it to you.
26:43Liv!
26:43I never wanted a porcupine.
26:46Are you sure?
26:48Not even...
26:51this...
26:52porcupine!
26:58Happy meetiversary, Rooney.
27:01Diggy!
27:04Wow.
27:05Oh, wow.
27:06You're so cold.
27:08Yeah, I'm told that's sad to you for a while.
27:12How are you even here right now?
27:15I actually contacted the Tundrabanian consulate,
27:18and they agreed to fly Diggy out for the weekend.
27:22The only catch is that I do have to do a concert there over my spring break, but...
27:26Oh, spring break.
27:27Yeah, that's their fourth winter.
27:29There are seven.
27:32Each one colder than the last.
27:36Liv, thank you so much for doing this for us.
27:39This is the best meetiversary gift ever.
27:41Oh, okay.
27:51What's that, Rooney?
27:57Are you sure you don't want to take this off?
27:58Hey, whoa.
28:01Still...
28:02still cold.
28:06This is really nice.
28:08Yeah.
28:09I kind of got used to seeing you on a computer.
28:15Yeah, now we're all up close and personal.
28:19For like a few days.
28:24Um...
28:26You know, our first kiss was over the computer.
28:33I was kind of wondering, maybe what it would be like in person.
28:41Yeah, I miss you.
28:47Diggy, my man!
28:52Are you a town just for me?
28:55Oh, you know tomorrow's our meetiversary.
28:58One, two, three, come here.
29:00Have you?
29:06Transcription by CastingWords
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