00:01Previously on Scream Queens...
00:03What took you so long?
00:05There were two devils.
00:06Those Diablos.
00:07I can't live like this, okay?
00:09All I do is work out and kill people.
00:14Pinky pledge that you will be monogamous to me.
00:18Okay.
00:18Oh, Jack!
00:20I never take second place.
00:22I don't stop till I get what I want.
00:27No, it's Joaquin!
00:30Maximus!
00:32Damn straight, I'm not in public.
00:34I'm the master of disguise, baby.
00:36Dude, dude.
00:37Uh, gladiator, right?
00:40Like, are you not entertained?
00:42Right?
00:43Yeah, yeah.
00:44Oh, no.
00:45I don't love him.
00:47Yeah, what?
00:48Yeah, no.
00:49No, everyone thinks I'm Joaquin Phoenix.
00:51I-I just tell him it's part of my performance art piece.
00:54Yeah.
00:55Yeah.
00:55Okay, so we're agreed.
00:57We take Gigi out tomorrow night.
00:59You come after Bone, you'll be best howl correct.
01:03This has always been about you and me.
01:06Hey, have you talked to Zayde lately?
01:08How was she?
01:09No.
01:10No.
01:16Oh, my God.
01:20I gotta call you back.
01:21Boone?
01:23No.
01:24I'm Joaquin Phoenix.
01:26You're Boone.
01:27You were killed by the Red Devil, which means...
01:30Fine.
01:31Okay?
01:32Caught me.
01:34I'm...
01:35A ghost.
01:39Yeah.
01:41Yeah.
01:41Yeah, I'm...
01:42I'm the ghost of dead Boone.
01:44You've come back to get revenge on me for saying you couldn't gay pledge Kappa.
01:49I'm so sorry about that.
01:51Please don't kill me.
01:53I'm sorta gay now, too.
01:55Please?
02:00Boo.
02:15Listen up, hog-faced sluts.
02:17Just because tonight's our last night at Kappa House before we're forced to evacuate campus,
02:22doesn't mean you get to mope around acting all sad.
02:24Why would we be sad?
02:26This is a house of death.
02:27Six people have been murdered here in a month.
02:29And now we finally get to leave.
02:32Why are you dressed like that?
02:34Well, Einstein, Thanksgiving is next Thursday.
02:37And if any of you stupid whores ever cracked a book every now and again,
02:40you'd know I'm dressed as Sacagawea.
02:43She helped the pilgrims with their first harvest on what is now known as the first Thanksgiving.
02:48No, she didn't.
02:48You're thinking of Squanto.
02:50Um, no.
02:51Squanto was friends with the Lone Ranger.
02:53Sacagawea guided the Lewis and Clark expedition.
02:55What?
02:55No way.
02:56Sacagawea taught the pilgrims how to make cranberry sauce,
02:59and then like sang Blue Corn Moon or something.
03:01That was Pocahontas.
03:02Damn it.
03:03Are you serious?
03:04I'm trying to impress Mr. or Mrs. Radwell,
03:06and I just spent two hours dressing up as the hag who didn't realize she was the third wheel on
03:11Lewis and Clark's gay camping extravaganza.
03:14Wait, what?
03:15You're meeting Chad's parents?
03:16Oh, did I bury the lead?
03:19I must have forgotten to tell you ladies about Chad's proposal.
03:23What?
03:23Proposal?
03:24That's right.
03:25Chad and I were enjoying a very romantic compliment night.
03:29You're so hot, you give my bone a bone.
03:32Thank you for that compliment, Chad.
03:34Chanel, you know how you've been talking about taking our relationship to the next level?
03:43Oh, my God, this is happening. This is really happening.
03:46Chanel, Oberlin, will you accept the silver turkey wishbone necklace and accompany me to the Hamptons to spend Thanksgiving at
03:54the Radwell family compound?
03:56You're gonna meet my mom, my dad, my brother's dad and Brad in the house.
04:00Awesome.
04:01It's on a 50,000 acre cranberry orchard that my great, great, great, great grandfather, Prentice Radwell, bought off the
04:07Shinnecock Indians for six glass beads.
04:11Wait, that's what he proposed? A trip to his compound?
04:15Uh, sorry if you're jealous, bitches, but every girl that's gotten a Radwell silver turkey wishbone necklace has gotten an
04:22engagement ring by Christmas.
04:24Except for one girl, I guess.
04:26Yeah, her name was Debbie, and she and dad were dating, but he didn't give her silver turkey wishbone necklace,
04:33so she was not invited at Thanksgiving, but showed up anyway, and then hung herself in the orchard, and, uh,
04:40now the whole house is haunted.
04:42Oh.
04:44Yeah, like, you know, like the furniture just starts screaming, or, like, you'll crack open a Mountain Dew, and you'll
04:50start to drink it, and then it'll just turn to blood.
04:55We're gonna have, like, the dopest time.
04:57So, let's all raise a glass to me.
05:00The Radwells are the perfect American family, and Chad wants me to be a part of it.
05:04So I actually don't care that tonight's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau, because I have successfully used the
05:10sorority for its proper, God-given purpose.
05:13To be a part of a sisterhood and make lifelong friends.
05:17Ew, no, for making me popular enough to get a hot, rich husband.
05:21Guys, both our families are loaded.
05:24I'm about to be, like, super rich.
05:26Not if the ghost murders you first.
05:28Or it follows you home and murders you here.
05:31Or if you get murdered tonight because it's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau, and it seems highly likely
05:35that the killer will come after us.
05:37Like I said, a toast to Chanel.
05:41Kappa.
05:42Kappa.
05:46You're not finished packing yet?
05:47I was sure Miss Taipei would have had it done by now.
05:50I was actually thinking I might just hang back on campus for a couple of days.
05:55You know, maybe take advantage of the quiet, do some more investigating.
05:59Pete said he'd stay with me.
06:01I bet he did.
06:02But no way I'm gonna let you be the only box of macaroni left in the red devil's cupboard.
06:07Your dad won't either.
06:09To hell with my dad.
06:11Zeta, he lied to me about the most important thing in my life.
06:15Who I am.
06:17Where I come from.
06:18And now he wants me to just forget it and spend Thanksgiving with him and that psycho Gigi and her
06:23weird recipes?
06:24No way.
06:26I'd rather stay here.
06:28The campus is shutting down.
06:32If you want to figure all this out, you can do it from the safety of my grandma's house.
06:37You can't spend Thanksgiving alone.
06:39And if you're sure you want to punish your dad and blow him off, then you can come with me.
06:44And have O-Town Thanksgiving with me and all my cousins.
06:52I am so glad neither of us have been killed.
06:54Oh, that's so sweet.
06:56Me too.
06:57Now let's finish packing.
07:00Okay.
07:12I don't understand why you're making us bubble wrap each item of clothing.
07:15Are you kidding me?
07:17How much did this dress cost?
07:19$63,000.
07:21Uh, yeah.
07:22Okay.
07:22When something costs $63,000, you wrap it in bubble wrap.
07:27Besides, bubble wrap is fun.
07:30I think because I'm not allowed to carry a firearm, I like to pop the little bubble and then pretend
07:37like my finger is a gun.
07:45Okay, sorry, I can't keep this a secret any longer.
07:49I am personally being haunted by a ghost.
07:52What?
07:52You heard me.
07:54Late last night, I was walking around campus and I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone.
07:59The ghost of dead gay Boone is walking the earth.
08:04We had like, a full conversation.
08:07This is so stupid because ghosts don't exist.
08:10Oh, really?
08:11Then why won't my hands stop shaking?
08:14Because you're hungover.
08:15Of course I'm hungover.
08:17You know why I had to get hammered last night?
08:19Because I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone.
08:22Wait.
08:23You, you, you seriously saw a ghost?
08:26Yes.
08:27It was terrifying.
08:31Whew.
08:32That is creepy.
08:34Being haunted by a ghost who's stalking the campus on your last night at Kappa house.
08:41The night when all of you are most likely to be murdered.
08:46Put the bubble wrap down.
08:48You gather around the fireplace.
08:50Come on, children.
08:55Mama Denise is about to scare the living bejesus out of you.
09:00With some real scary ghost stories.
09:04Wait, what?
09:04No.
09:05Please.
09:06We're already terrified.
09:07Exactly.
09:10See, when I get scared and I feel like, like ISIS done broken my house, I tell myself real scary
09:20ghost stories.
09:21And then my fear of the ISIS is replaced.
09:23And I'm scared of the Candyman.
09:28Who returns from the dead when you say his name five times.
09:33Candyman.
09:34Candyman.
09:34Or the hitchhiking old lady.
09:39With the hairy arms.
09:41Just like hers.
09:43Who disappears when you stop for gas.
09:46But there's a butcher knife.
09:49In her purse.
09:50Except you didn't see it the first time.
09:52Cause when you checked.
09:54Wasn't nothing in there but knitting materials.
09:58And then there's a Japanese ghost story called the Kappa.
10:04There is not.
10:06Come on.
10:06Oh yes there is.
10:09Look it up.
10:10Them Japanese got all manner of weird ass ghost stories.
10:14And the one about the Kappa is the creepiest of all.
10:19They live in the sewer.
10:24And they just waiting for you.
10:28To sit your ass so they can reach up and grab you.
10:32And snatch you by the vagina.
10:35And flush your body in raw sewage.
10:40I for one loved that.
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