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Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Trending]Full EP - Full
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00:22:50if i left her at the altar i mean isn't that what being a real man is huh putting the
00:22:56feelings of
00:22:56others before yourself you know what i'm sorry sandy but i think i've made a decision i'm getting
00:23:06married where in the holy are you don't worry honey i'm on my way
00:23:20on my way isn't here if you don't walk through that door in seconds i'm going to fill hartman your
00:23:26ass
00:23:28actually you know what i've just i've just run into some pretty bad traffic on i-25
00:23:33fuck you pussy you get through that traffic and get here to marry me yeah and you're uh yeah you're
00:23:40breaking up it's it's really hard to hear you right now i'm going to fucking bars we are now going
00:23:48live
00:23:48to the arrival of the final passenger mr capshaw just in time follow me now we're getting down to
00:23:54the wire here so i'm gonna have to get you to sign and walk this first one is a standard
00:23:58release form
00:23:58for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness for okay this one absolves
00:24:04our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration incineration uh how often do these
00:24:10explode we don't know yet maiden voyage and all right yeah okay that makes sense this next one
00:24:16absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown oh does that
00:24:20happen a lot sometimes people go space crazy geez okay well hope that doesn't happen to me and this
00:24:27last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something are there guns on the spaceship you know i don't know the answer to that
00:24:35but i would be happy to look into it for you oh thank you so much that would be great
00:24:39but i am
00:24:40gonna need you to sign real quick no sure right and then steve martin gets this little tear in his
00:24:46eye
00:24:47he's looking at his daughter but all he can see is his little girl oh god damn it cooter why
00:24:53can't we
00:24:53watch the television come on you're doing good mr s cooter where is he he's on tv nobody watch it
00:25:02hey everybody i found another tv in the banquet room we can just power this thing up and
00:25:07oh cooter crossing the line what is wrong oh my god he's bleeding somebody call 9-1-1 it's too
00:25:16late
00:25:17cooter this man look everybody kyle's on tv there he goes kyle capshaw the last passenger onto the
00:25:25shuttle about to leave everyone on earth for more what yeah he's not getting married at all today he's going
00:25:33to mars hello straggler i'm l ron branson welcome aboard
00:25:49pick up pick up you better pick up
00:25:52pick up you better pick up you better pick up you better pick up you better pick up you better
00:25:57pick up
00:25:57burn and we are approaching liftoff 10 9 8 7 6 5 5 2 1 liftoff
00:26:32okay artificial gravity is set in listen up my fellow astronauts
00:26:38first things first when i call your name come on up get yourself a name tag and
00:26:43tell us a little about yourself what you did on earth and what you want to get out of this
00:26:47trip
00:26:48todd sullivan
00:26:52my name's todd i think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves
00:26:56and uh name tags oh okay well well we don't have to wear them i i guess but i did
00:27:03stay up all night
00:27:04making everyone individual drawings oh okay well i guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt
00:27:12games okay wimi did your serve make it over the net uh yeah okay kyle now you take a card
00:27:19did you
00:27:20return his volley it says yeah oh good okay wimi take another card did you return the volley
00:27:26it says i missed oh match point kyle you get a reward card now would you like surprise now or
00:27:35surprise
00:27:36later uh i will take surprise later you know the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more
00:27:43futurey and tennessee did you make this game elron well if you guys are not feeling it we could play
00:27:49future badminton future highlight or future darts uh you know i'm good i'm gonna go mingle
00:28:01hey peggy right yes you know i don't want to be super negative right out the gate but doesn't all
00:28:06of
00:28:07this seem a little less cool than they made it out to be i mean i sacrificed quite a lot
00:28:12to be here
00:28:12oh what did you sacrifice well i mean i i was actually supposed to get married today wow yeah but
00:28:23i mean i mean we all have families and friends back on earth that we just picked up and left
00:28:26for a
00:28:27month your friends will still be there for you when you get back uh i don't know about that sure
00:28:32they
00:28:32will i just told my friends okay i'll be back in a month and then i left them 20 bowls
00:28:38of food and i
00:28:39filled the bathtub with milk what they're drinking i'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats
00:28:45here you just left them with a bathtub filled with milk precisely peggy it's june that milk is
00:28:53gonna go bad in like a day or two what do you mean well i mean that's all you left
00:28:58for your cats to
00:28:59drink yeah what do you mean well what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got
00:29:04three and a half weeks with nothing to drink what do you mean nothing i i don't mean anything
00:29:12anyway like i said your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back
00:29:18okay friends listen up loser okay i'm just going to pretend i didn't hear that loser
00:29:27sir the time has come for us to go into stasis now this will be a chemical sleep that will
00:29:34make
00:29:34the next two weeks of travel feel like a two-hour cat nap he said cats uh is this going
00:29:40to be like a
00:29:40shot or something no we will each be taking 500 easy to swallow pills did you say 500 500
00:29:53can we get some more water uh no
00:29:59oh god
00:30:14how did i get over here well after you guys took all those ambien stop what ambien we took we
00:30:29took
00:30:29500 ambient pretty cool right todd that's what stasis is isn't that how a little peep died oh
00:30:36oh wait oh okay you're just all gonna take them off okay oh hey did you guys did you guys
00:30:42notice my
00:30:43sign it says welcome to mars a place for friends oh that's yeah that's cool man as you can see
00:30:51i drew
00:30:52each one of us took me most of the two weeks here todd what do you think uh it sucks
00:30:57it's stupid
00:30:57you're stupid you're stupid you suck come on todd oh here we go ladies and gentlemen in a few moments
00:31:07the airlock door will open and in front of the watching world we will become the first people
00:31:13to step from this ship and see mars with our own eyes
00:31:25this is incredible
00:31:34gather around gather around just want to lay down some ground rules for my fellow martians
00:31:42thank you jesus the first and most important rule is have fun have fun up here guys this is your
00:31:49vacation mars is for fun the second rule is do not touch the airlock because it will kill you now
00:31:55down that corridor are the sleeping pods go claim a room and be back here for our first martian lunch
00:32:00at 1400. well hello kyle oh hey wimmy i see that you were praying again a lot of a lot
00:32:10of prayer with
00:32:10you all right so uh so what's your story well i'm a faithful husband with a wife who is quite
00:32:16a beauty
00:32:17on the inside a proud father to five angelic children i have type 2 diabetes and i don't believe in
00:32:22dinosaurs what about you uh i'm a dentist which is cool actually no it's not little kids hate me and
00:32:30uh i do believe in dinosaurs well we'll work on that that's why i'm here i'm a missionary of sorts
00:32:37i'm going to turn mars into the first completely christian planet okay but there aren't any people
00:32:43on mars aren't there oh no bon appetit whoa elron did you make all this yourself i had a little
00:32:56help
00:32:56from my good friend murdered midwestern homosexual teenager one more time elron i said this meal was
00:33:04actually prepared by one murdered midwestern homosexual teenager it's an acronym its technical name is
00:33:12mechanical ultra responsive dietary electronic robotic energized delivery meal interface dietary
00:33:17wellness efficiency system tactile edible responsorous nutrition home or mobile omnivorous sustenance
00:33:23expeditious xeno culinary user aligned lunch tool enabled eating nourishment aging gastronomical
00:33:28electronic robot what but that's a little bit of a mouthful so we call it the murdered midwestern
00:33:33homosexual teenager for short that's really weird and offensive i think that happened this is a
00:33:39one of a kind prototype but in a few years lord willing every town from chicago to new orleans
00:33:44will have its own murdered midwestern homosexual teenager gotta fix that acronym yeah some of those
00:33:50words seemed unnecessary you said robotic twice hey i didn't name it take it up with the good people
00:33:55that the holocaust was greatly exaggerated i'm sorry what it's a company it stands for technological
00:34:01human electronic okay so how does this thing work it's basically like a 3d printer for food you just
00:34:07say whatever you want it to make and it jager
00:34:12rad
00:34:13you got to hit that shit when the dj's on
00:34:16yeah baby wear my suit pajama when the food is wrong
00:34:20you got to hit that shit when they play your song
00:34:24you gotcha you gotcha you gotcha
00:34:31oh yeah
00:34:45whoa hey wimmy
00:34:48good morning this is a surprise yeah you're in my bed oh well are we sure you didn't get in
00:34:55my bed yep
00:34:57this is my bed oh well last night was the first in 18 years that i didn't share my bed
00:35:02with my
00:35:03lovely on the inside wife so in my sleep i must have wandered over here mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:08for hers okay well i'm going to get up 10-4 good buddy
00:35:21there were good people on both sides of the charlottesville fans they even put spaces in the
00:35:34you know what peggy last night was fun i think this is a really great group we got here and
00:35:41it's cool
00:35:41that we're on mars and it's cool we're on mars you're right peggy fucking mars all right
00:35:51oh boy you know what that alarm means it's time for kyle's surprise oh okay what what's going on
00:35:59what are we talking about your surprise surprise later from future tennis oh right hey wow look at
00:36:05me everything's coming up kyle now i know the martian landscape can feel pretty foreign but you've
00:36:12won something that's going to make this place feel a lot more like home all right okay lay it on
00:36:19me
00:36:19fun okay kyle say hello to your very own talk to me baby what do we got
00:36:30fiance what the fuck what the fuck wait how is how how how is she here now when you won
00:36:38future tennis
00:36:38i asked if you wanted surprise now or surprise later you said surprise later she shouldn't be
00:36:44here this is bad can we pause can we can we pause for a second can we make the door
00:36:48go back up please
00:36:48no kyle we have to get her out of there that's a decompression chamber they're very dangerous oh god
00:36:54oh god oh god oh god fuck me fuck me oh fuck ha ha ha hi pumpkin hi kyle hi
00:37:04i'm candace kyle's
00:37:06fiance that's funny kyle never talked about you at all yeah i did yes i know i'm sure that i
00:37:10did
00:37:11so this is this is crazy this is also surprising how are you here well when you chose surprise later
00:37:17i knew we had to think of something really good for you and as luck would have it right then
00:37:22candace
00:37:23showed up at the launch pad and was going on and on about how much she needed to get up
00:37:27here and get to
00:37:27you when i found out i said what the heck send her up in a supply pod nothing is more
00:37:33important than
00:37:33true love that's so cool what would have happened if he chose surprise now he would have won four
00:37:39hundred thousand dollars oh four hundred thousand dollars yeah uh candace could we just have a little
00:37:49sidebar to kind of clear the air because you know i'm i'm sensing a little hostility between us i'm not
00:37:55hostile kyle are you hostile no no no i just i i feel like you're in i mean i don't
00:38:01want to tell you how
00:38:02you feel but i imagine that you would have the right to be frustrated with me i'm perfectly calm kyle
00:38:12yeah but um you seem mad i'm not mad are you mad no no no i i'm not mad at
00:38:20all okay then we're not mad
00:38:22let's just drop it okay yeah yeah fine i mean it just it seems kind of weird you mother
00:38:29help she's gonna kill me you dickless piece of shit okay everyone seems like the perfect time for a
00:38:37little safety meeting we've had some rather unsafe behavior recently i'm not going to name names but i just
00:38:45want to really quickly go over some of the basics first things first this is the airlock earlier
00:38:51today kyle was suggesting that we leave someone in the airlock now this is unsafe for a myriad of
00:38:57reasons if you're in this thing without a spacesuit when the exterior door opens the changing pressures
00:39:02could be fatal now if you do have your spacesuit on and you're going to take a walk on the
00:39:07martian surface
00:39:08you would stand on this circle and give the voice command airlock c-l-o-s-e
00:39:14oh airlock close
00:39:18thank you peggy yes that is what i was spelling exterior door opening in 30 seconds okay luckily
00:39:26we have a safeguard built in if you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your spacesuit
00:39:32just give the voice command abort airlock procedure well then do it i am doing it i was
00:39:38trying to abort airlock i'm sorry i didn't quite get that evacuating airlock in 20 seconds guys you
00:39:46cannot say the command while people are talking you all have to be okay i'm going to take it from
00:39:51here okay yeah just be quiet kyle i'm sorry i didn't quite get chandice now you did it i'm sorry
00:39:57i was
00:39:58telling kyle to be quiet for you i wasn't going to say anything you just did it everyone shut up
00:40:04everyone shut up everyone shut up shut up kyle shut up wimmy shut up you just talked
00:40:10kyle i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry will you both shut the everyone shut up
00:40:18abort airlock
00:40:22oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my
00:40:26gosh oh my gosh did that
00:40:27just happen okay you guys are actually louder than my music did you not see that what are you talking
00:40:34about elron is dead who elron the billionaire guy that brought us here the elron the main guy elron
00:40:42oh right he died his head exploded fuck off
00:40:49holy shit oh that is cool no it's not cool elron branson was the only one who knew how to
00:40:57operate
00:40:57the ship holy holy holy lord god almighty fat man be quiet not now okay okay okay we just we
00:41:06need to
00:41:06keep our heads together poor choice of words dude what poor choice of words what you said let's keep
00:41:13our heads together his head exploded the things you say are inappropriate you don't realize it you're dumb
00:41:19holy shit he won't stop singing oh i'm sorry i'm just the only one trying to get us out of
00:41:25this mess
00:41:25how uh by sending a little sos to the big man upstairs but wimmy god's not real
00:41:34peggy isn't it enough that you killed our captain do you have to blasphemy god while you're at it
00:41:39i didn't kill him you're the one who said airlock closed airlock closed hey come on wimmy leave
00:41:46peggy alone she can't help it she's you know what are you saying kyle well i mean peggy is obviously
00:41:52she's she's you know peggy i don't want to offend you but i mean you're you're obviously like you
00:41:59have a a mental thing right are you mentally handicapped oh i'm sorry no that that came out wrong
00:42:07look it's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other now i'm sure each one of
00:42:12us in
00:42:12this room has made mistakes and right now the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive
00:42:19everyone here so that we can all work together moving forward so we can all work together and
00:42:26moving forward todd what is with the attitude i don't have an attitude well i'm not your dad man
00:42:31i know you're not my dad my dad is awesome is alron okay
00:42:42okay we have to get in touch with mission control tell them what happened and get them to pick us
00:42:47up
00:42:47and take us home i know hit this one peggy don't touch this is dangerous okay from now on no
00:42:55one touches
00:42:55anything todd telecom it's short for telecommunications mission control can you hear us
00:43:04there they are you bastard you bastard come to kill us now too guys guys we are so sorry about
00:43:15elrond it
00:43:16was an accident we saw everything there's cameras uh what what do we do how do we get back home
00:43:23what
00:43:24happens okay well we should be able to just have the ship automatically bring you home just don't touch
00:43:31that big red button um peggy already did what you didn't hear a grinding sound did you yeah well great
00:43:42that just disengaged all the return boosters oh thank you peggy did i fix it well now now what are
00:43:48we screwed is there is there another way to get back of course there is in the sciences we always
00:43:55prepare for a plan b oh thank god yeah if we start constructing another ship now we can get to
00:44:01you guys in
00:44:02about five years five years did you say five years we're all gonna be stuck up here for five years
00:44:09five
00:44:09five whole years maybe you should have thought about that before you killed all rock branson he was a
00:44:15candle in the wind and a rocket man that dude what a nerd nerd nerd you know what that's the
00:44:25problem
00:44:26with cools you guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody well if you wanted a world
00:44:32without
00:44:33nerds then merry christmas and happy birthday you're on one nerds out no no no nerds nerds nerds no no
00:44:52i cannot get enough of things like that look at that now let's see if we can go frame by
00:44:57frame toby
00:44:57can we go frame by frame here someone get toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame
00:45:01okay here we go now he's like oh i'm in trouble i'm in trouble boom rewind see see he's still
00:45:09alive
00:45:09there still alive there there still alive he's feeling it right there and that's where i think
00:45:15he died what about you i honestly have a hard time watching this stuff oh not me i have a
00:45:19whole folder
00:45:20of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home it's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in
00:45:24it
00:45:24getting back to the crisis at hand millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning the
00:45:29loss of billionaire philanthropist l ron branson and watching the developments with bated breath so
00:45:35much so that mars enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor the events
00:45:40in the space station around the clock and with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person
00:45:46who knew how to operate the ship how do you think the crew's holding up i tell you it must
00:45:50be
00:45:51incredibly incredibly tense up there let's take a look at the feed where should we start hey why not
00:45:57the women's bathroom i like the way you think stupid kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up
00:46:02but you're going to remind him you're the hottest bitch on this planet pizza roast beef chocolate
00:46:32i'm not gonna stick my dick in crazy what you just told your boyfriend you're on a break you're hurt
00:46:38you're angry you want to fuck somebody you're being crazy oh my god i wouldn't even think okay sweet
00:46:45that is not why i came over here oh okay my mistake and for your information crazy girls are the
00:46:53best
00:46:53in bed that's not true that's just something crazy girls say oh hey peggy they never said there was a
00:47:06limit of how much food we can make god it stinks in here anyways just wanted to stop by and
00:47:12say
00:47:13you were looking pretty hot tonight shut up literally nobody has ever said that to me literally that's a
00:47:22shame because i think you're fucking sexy candace you are blowing my mind right now what do you say
00:47:30we lock this door put on some music grab a bottle of ever clear and candace i'm gonna stop you
00:47:38right
00:47:39there i don't stick my fingers in crazy what it's my one rule don't get me wrong candace you're a
00:47:45very
00:47:46attractive woman and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't flattered but i know where this road leads and
00:47:52it's
00:47:52not a place where either of us would feel good what the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship
00:48:04hey there wimmy right okay
00:48:16hi candace i was just talking to my best friend who's your best friend oh this is so
00:48:24fucking hard what say you and i have a little drink let me stop you right there i do not
00:48:30imbibe
00:48:31but i am happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize
00:48:35your soul with alcohol you're funny listen women you're a man with needs i'm a woman with needs
00:48:45what do you say we help each other out what no no no no no no no no no i
00:48:50am taken here's the tillium's
00:48:51clan right here ah what
00:49:02candace we just adulteried i adulteried i just betrayed my wife and children
00:49:11i'm sorry i just don't know what's going on with me this whole thing with me and kyle has me
00:49:17i feel like i'm losing my mind i'm not usually like this i swear okay well the lord has everything
00:49:26happen for a reason so uh maybe he can use this as a teachable moment okay john 3 16 says
00:49:34for god so
00:49:35loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son yeah but wimmy we're not on earth well it says
00:49:42earth
00:49:42but it means the whole solar system well why would he say earth if he meant solar system
00:49:49candace well way back when this was written god probably had no idea that in the future man would
00:49:54make it to other planets well i mean he knew he just he had to know he just probably didn't
00:50:00i mean
00:50:02hold on hey hey i mean i get it guys in high school i wasn't the most popular guy either
00:50:08i i didn't even
00:50:09kiss a girl until i was 18 18 18. that's not nerdy that's cool i didn't i didn't mean 18
00:50:18it wasn't
00:50:1918. i i don't i don't know why i said that it was way later it was like like 20.
00:50:2329 29. i was 29. oh
00:50:28okay that's pretty lame i guess i mean i kissed a girl when i was 28. i didn't but i
00:50:35could have
00:50:35wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute you you kissed a girl at 28 are you sure i'm
00:50:40not talking to
00:50:41a couple of cools right now yeah right get out of here you don't really think that oh i don't
00:50:49know
00:50:49i'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now shut up you know what would be
00:50:54really cool though if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home
00:51:01well i guess us cools have to stick together that's right okay well it's not gonna be easy
00:51:09but i think if we all keep our cool we'll be able to walk you through it the first thing
00:51:16you're gonna
00:51:16need to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank kyle i'm so sorry can we talk just just just
00:51:24a
00:51:24minute candace the mission control guys are helping us get home all right now to do this you'll need
00:51:29to divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return tank okay resting
00:51:34generators got it i cheated on you with wimmy with wimmy what why weird okay okay all right look candace
00:51:44that is really shitty and we will have to talk about that but i i gotta do this right now
00:51:49this is what i'm
00:51:50talking about i travel all the way through space to get to mars to talk to you and all you
00:51:56do is
00:51:57ignore me guys is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal or is this somewhere in the
00:52:03ship here that is outside of the ship right on the underside of the central pond
00:52:08the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on
00:52:12the ship right
00:52:12two years of my life kyle my two best years wasted with you
00:52:19oh my god
00:52:20oh my god i could have married brian the ladies
00:52:36kandace you broke the earth well now we're even because you broke my heart no no no you broke the
00:52:44fucking everything the meek shall inherit the earth
00:52:49the earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord the earth is the lord to the fullness thereof
00:53:04the thing she she broke the thing we're gonna die do you want to play future tennis with me
00:53:12todd i i don't know how to to fix the container and i saw her do it she threw the
00:53:17the thing and then
00:53:18it made the the thing punch right through it we're gonna die we're all gonna die what are you talking
00:53:23about we're gonna die man and why do you think we're dying because i saw the fucking air our air
00:53:29is sucked out into outer space okay and how did that happen because this
00:53:33bitch no no no do not judge me until i have finished my sentence because then you will see
00:53:42that she has murdered you and she has murdered you and she has murdered me and she has also committed
00:53:52suicide and killed wimmy where where's wimmy there is no god here we abandoned him when we left the earth
00:54:00he has no jurisdiction up here the red planet is the planet of the devil okay first of all i'm
00:54:09going to apologize to the room uh i lost my cool there i said some things that didn't need to
00:54:15be
00:54:15said and it's important for a leader to be calm and collected what what dude you are amazing hey
00:54:22can you say that part about you being the leader again kyle do you want to play future tennis with
00:54:27me
00:54:27kyle hates future tennis he thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for
00:54:31two years come and see you after you tried to run away from them okay candace can we can we
00:54:35try and
00:54:36stay focused please life-threatening situation here ring a bell you threw a fit now we're
00:54:40fucked we're fucked yes we're fucked we're not fucked we still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting
00:54:46right over there that can take us home no the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have
00:54:50to do let me guess what they said we have to refuel fill up the gas tank they yeah well
00:54:56they said fuel
00:54:57reserve uh-huh i'm guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's
00:55:01generators into the ship's reserve probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need
00:55:05to connect wait a minute okay i don't want to offend you right now but are you smart uh i
00:55:13don't want to
00:55:14offend you but are you smart todd can i get a sidebar really quick candace and wimmy are very crazy
00:55:22and
00:55:22peggy is also very crazy you you seem in a weird way not to be crazy do you think that
00:55:29you can help me
00:55:29fix this ship uh i think you'll be more like you helping me fix the ship and also i don't
00:55:34need that
00:55:35i find that to be very encouraging hey there lust muffin what the fuck did you just say guess what
00:55:46what turns out you were right about satan ruling mars i didn't say anything i should have seen it earlier
00:55:52it was right in front of my damn face part of my french i swear now what are you talking
00:55:59about i was
00:56:02my body like a damn playground what is that playing with my private parts outside of marriage
00:56:09and i don't give a damn and guess what i loved it now i get what all the fuss is
00:56:17about why are you
00:56:18telling me all this i'm here to take you up on your offer i want to do every damn thing
00:56:26ah fuck it these suits are pretty cool
00:56:33we just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on mars isn't that kind of crazy
00:56:40i mean it is to me a little bit i mean that's a big that's a big deal oh todd
00:56:46be careful
00:56:48oh is that the hose we need oh good
00:56:54hey how do you know how to do all this stuff you seem really confident
00:56:58i don't know anything mechanical i was an indoor kid i can't even change a flat
00:57:07did that fix it is it fixed if you want to talk to me you have to press this button
00:57:16yeah i wasn't talking
00:57:23i can't it won't go in it keeps bending maybe your butthole's broken my butthole's not broken
00:57:30wimmy you have to be hard i'm pretty hard it just keeps bending though
00:57:37candace you need to relax more so i can stuff it in
00:57:39there i just got it in i'm in we are having sodomy wow you're not in
00:57:48no you're right it's out again damn i gotta say todd i am pretty impressed oh great i impressed
00:57:56kyle that means a lot when i get home everyone will be like hey todd how was mars i'll be
00:58:00like
00:58:00it was okay but the real cool thing is while i was up there i impressed some idiot dude what
00:58:05is
00:58:05the deal what what is with the negativity man what is your issue with me seriously seriously yeah
00:58:13i don't like the way you treat women i'm sorry excuse me the way i treat women did i bash
00:58:19her face in with the lamp did i throw a monitor at her head it just didn't really sit well
00:58:24with me the
00:58:25where you were throwing around the b-word back there she is so mean to me she's been treating
00:58:30me like this for two years and she's wrecked the spaceship now and she's ruined my life she ruins
00:58:35your life she came all the way up to mars for you she is crazy yeah because you've made her
00:58:40crazy look
00:58:41you're obviously not really committed to your relationship and you've just been stringing
00:58:44her along instead of manning up and doing the right thing what marry her no break up with her
00:58:50let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her now if you'll excuse me i'm gonna
00:58:56go
00:58:56fix the ship wimmy tilliams is my name and sitting is my new game committing adultery felt that good
00:59:08i can't imagine how good it must feel to sit even harder
00:59:21hey there handsome devil
00:59:29when the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends
00:59:36there's always one thing that you can count on i'm talking about friends
00:59:42you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
00:59:49friends are always there for you when no one else is around
00:59:56friends that's what i'm talking about
00:59:59friends
01:00:00you'll be a mess without
01:00:02friends
01:00:22you'll be a mess without
01:00:28friends
01:00:29friends
01:00:33do you remember the slew of a-list
01:00:37celebs that were constantly dropping by
01:00:39like tom sally giovanni
01:00:43rabisi paul rudd and george clune
01:00:45and last but not least we had
01:00:50brad pitt
01:00:52harder than anyone
01:00:54brad pitt
01:00:55key celebrities
01:00:57yeah
01:01:02from cool world to fight club
01:01:05he's never let us down
01:01:09last night i dreamt that they remained
01:01:11hot
01:01:12it was brad pitt
01:01:14town
01:01:16oh
01:01:16oh shit i'm singing with my eyes closed again
01:01:18fuck i just don't understand what you want from me
01:01:22stop trying to make me the bad guy here
01:01:24stop acting like one
01:01:26uh okay so sorry about that
01:01:28uh you missed a couple things basically
01:01:30what happened was while todd finished fixing the ship
01:01:34kyle tried to explain to candace all that that stuff that todd was telling him about how he
01:01:38wasn't being fair to her
01:01:39but he still didn't really have the balls to tell her how he honestly felt so she's still
01:01:44confused and unhappy so she got all pissed and then he got all defensive and it was a pretty
01:01:50good scene anyway sorry sorry again watch friends i'm tired of all these mind games kyle
01:01:57either love me or let me go
01:02:01look i i really do care about you but but by my calculations we got 10 minutes of air left
01:02:09so let's do this thing
01:02:12had to do some jerry rigging on the ignition system but this cord should pull enough juice
01:02:16from the main comm board for us to blast off holy
01:02:19shit dude i am so glad you're smart all right that's it tomorrow sucks fuck it let's go home
01:02:26and if the fat nerdy bible guy wants to come with us you better hurry his ass up wherever he
01:02:32is
01:02:35what the fuck
01:02:39wimmy what the fuck that was a big sin and wimmy likey wimmy likey a lot oh my god there
01:02:48is no god
01:02:48up here kyle i have abandoned the way of lamb i now worship the goat the dark one demands more
01:02:57sacrifices more blood for satan guys get in the ship say what god let's go
01:03:04candace get in the ship we gotta get out of here metal music nudity democrats look look
01:03:11mommy across jesus remember how much you like your buddy jesus
01:03:24we're in we made it we're all here huh well todd's dead right yeah that's uh right yeah that that's
01:03:30that's too bad and elron died shit right yeah he he also died and i'm assuming women won't survive
01:03:37when we leave well that's well i mean fuck him right come on let's just get out of here
01:03:43suck my dick mars ignition in 10 9 8 oh god we're better what what's happening where are we going
01:03:58where's two where's one face me face your peers oh this fucking guy is ridiculous
01:04:07fuck what goodbye candace no you are not doing this again candace i am not running away from you
01:04:13i i just i don't love you and maybe i just realized that myself but i also know that you
01:04:22you deserve someone who you deserve someone that does
01:04:31ooh a challenger wimmy get away from the court in this corner fighting for the side of satan
01:04:40wimmy tell you jesus christ and fighting for the side of his precious jesus christ
01:04:48kaya wimmy i'm just going to step over there and i'm going to pick up the court
01:04:52mortal kombat
01:04:54da da da sub-zero da da da sub-zero da da da da da da da sub-zero
01:05:04fitting isn't it that it would end up the two of us locked in battle
01:05:09out of here
01:05:09you fucking hit me
01:05:24i'm sorry
01:05:41What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle, what's up? What's going on, man?
01:06:07What's up? Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us.
01:06:26We're gonna do this the right way. When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:42This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good.
01:06:59The world is ours.
01:07:01One more, in fact.
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves.
01:07:06Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancé, Kyle Capshaw, on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up? What's their angle?
01:07:25I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float.
01:07:33We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up.
01:07:54Hitting a brick wall here.
01:07:56Think, Cooter. Think.
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took $12 billion from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate.
01:08:15I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement.
01:08:20The others get a free ride because they're shell companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who?
01:08:25What do these products have in common?
01:08:27They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:31Hey, puppy.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you, Papa Nero's Pizza.
01:08:47Wrong answer.
01:08:51Please stop.
01:08:52Please stop.
01:08:52Please.
01:08:53I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man.
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking.
01:09:00Take us up the chain.
01:09:01You're gonna have to speak to my manager.
01:09:07Lucy, I'm home.
01:09:09What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us.
01:09:13No.
01:09:14No.
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle.
01:09:17I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth.
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler.
01:09:25They cut my fucking toe off.
01:09:27Oh, that's right.
01:09:29You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:32I don't know what's going on.
01:09:33Please.
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch.
01:09:38Chomp chomp.
01:09:39Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know.
01:09:42Our parent company is technological, human, electronic, household, optimal, luxury, organic, cyber, anthropomorphic, utility systems, treatment, worldwide, analytic software.
01:09:50The holocaust was greatly exaggerated.
01:09:53They bankrolled the whole fucking thing.
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in.
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like, shit, this will be some drama.
01:10:06Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks.
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes, I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years.
01:10:18Please don't kill me.
01:10:19Oh, God, don't kill me.
01:10:21Listen to this.
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station.
01:10:30Full fucking shit he was.
01:10:31There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks.
01:10:36Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now.
01:10:42There's their headquarters.
01:10:43And I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home appliances in there.
01:10:49Aha! Skinheads!
01:10:51I knew it!
01:10:53All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker.
01:10:59It's a fucking front for a white power group.
01:11:01Of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man.
01:11:07They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia.
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people.
01:11:19I so horny.
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy.
01:11:22Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twigs!
01:11:33The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twigs!
01:11:50That's the fucking spaceship!
01:11:52They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors,
01:12:01then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple.
01:12:18Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked.
01:12:26How am I breathing?
01:12:29God?
01:12:31Oh no.
01:12:32What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck?
01:12:48What is happening?
01:12:49How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars.
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carla, Nevada.
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial.
01:12:58What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now.
01:13:04Mr. Carter!
01:13:06Skinhead!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening.
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun.
01:13:15Twinks!
01:13:16Light them up.
01:13:20Oh no!
01:13:36Bashball!
01:13:36I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Carter!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:47Bashball!
01:13:48Bashball!
01:13:48Bashball!
01:13:48Bashball!
01:13:48Bashball!
01:13:48Bash!
01:13:49Bash!
01:13:50Bash!
01:13:51Bash!
01:13:54Bash!
01:13:57Bash!
01:14:01Bash!
01:14:02Bash!
01:14:03Bash!
01:14:05Bash!
01:14:07Bash!
01:14:07Bash!
01:14:08Bash!
01:14:09367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of Carla, Nevada.
01:14:14A horrific scene that led authorities to discover Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission
01:14:21was a hoax.
01:14:23Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell, the now disgraced billionaire had
01:14:28elaborately faked his own death with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money and sell products with incredibly offensive
01:14:39names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here
01:14:49on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey guys.
01:14:52Had sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's gonna be playing Guess Who with that squirrel from
01:15:05the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey!
01:15:14How'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing alright?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but, yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess this is it.
01:15:36Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:39So, what are you gonna do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no.
01:15:45No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed like hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed like nine people or something in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think like two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah.
01:16:01Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:09Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace.
01:16:14Um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:30Hey, Elrond.
01:16:31Oh, hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true?
01:16:37It was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists, I could finally fake my death
01:16:45and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancee who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of, like,
01:17:07jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean, how so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give us
01:17:18our funding back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but, uh, what about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah.
01:17:46The thing is, uh, Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Cause she's, I mean, she's like, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on.
01:18:02Ooh.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values
01:18:09and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here.
01:18:31Trapped down here.
01:18:32We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:36You understand.
01:18:41Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:19:01Well, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:27I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:34From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Whoa.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:20:23And they were the stars of night.
01:20:31Brighter than the stars.
01:20:34I Roll Down disease with Trojan and a Red Island ready for me.
01:22:04And the trouble never ends.
01:22:07There's always one thing that you can count on.
01:22:10I'm talking about friends.
01:22:13You can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down.
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:34Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel.
01:22:39They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friendship never friends.
01:22:53True story.
01:22:54My cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stefani.
01:23:11My cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:20Friends, buy it on Amazon.
01:23:23Friends, do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:47Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:54Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt, you would be dead without Brad Pitt, America's sweetheart.
01:24:13Brad Pitt, from cool world to fight club.
01:24:17He's never let us down.
01:24:20Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:27Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:32Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt, come on Academy, where is the Oscar for?
01:24:43Brad Pitt!
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt's sexiest man alive.
01:24:51That's just because, oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed.
01:24:54Sorry.
01:25:01I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say,
01:25:02I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say,
01:25:02I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say,
01:25:02I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say,
01:25:02I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say,
01:25:02I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say,
01:25:02I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say,
01:25:02I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say,
01:25:02I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I heard people say, I
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