- 7 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:14Eleven.
00:26:21One.
00:26:31Okay, artificial gravity has set in.
00:26:34Listen up, my fellow astronauts.
00:26:37Astronauts.
00:26:37Whoo!
00:26:43Wooh!
00:26:44yourself what you did on earth and what you want to get out of this trip todd sullivan
00:26:52my name's todd i think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves
00:26:56and uh name tags oh okay well well we don't have to wear them i guess but i did stay
00:27:03up all night
00:27:04making everyone individual drawings oh okay well i guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play
00:27:12debt games okay wimmy did your serve make it over the net uh yeah okay kyle now you take a
00:27:19card did
00:27:20you return his volley it says yeah oh good okay wimmy take another card did you return the volley
00:27:27it says i missed oh match point kyle you get a reward card now would you like surprise now or
00:27:35surprise later uh i will take surprise later you know the commercials made future tennis
00:27:41seem a lot more futurey and tennessee did you make this game elrond well if you guys are not feeling
00:27:48it we could play future badminton future highlight or future darts uh you know i'm good i'm gonna go
00:27:55mingle hey peggy right yes you know i don't want to be super negative right out the gate but doesn't
00:28:06all of this seem a little less cool than they made it out to be i mean i sacrificed quite
00:28:12a lot to be
00:28:12here oh what did you sacrifice well i mean i i was actually supposed to get married today wow yeah
00:28:22but i
00:28:23mean yeah i mean we all have families and friends back on earth that we just picked up and left
00:28:26for
00:28:26a month your friends will still be there for you when you get back i don't know about that sure
00:28:32they
00:28:32will i just told my friends okay i'll be back in a month and then i left them 20 bowls
00:28:38of food and i
00:28:39filled the bathtub with milk what they're drinking i'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here
00:28:46you just left them with a bathtub filled with milk precisely pecky it's june that milk is gonna go bad
00:28:53in like a day or two what do you mean well i mean that's all you left for your cats
00:28:59to drink yeah what
00:29:01do you mean well what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three and a
00:29:05half weeks with nothing to drink what do you mean nothing i i don't mean anything anyway like i said
00:29:13your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back okay friends listen up loser okay i'm
00:29:23just going to pretend i didn't hear that loser the time has come for us to go into stasis now
00:29:32this will
00:29:33be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like a two-hour cat nap
00:29:38he said cats uh is this gonna be like a shot or something no we will each be taking 500
00:29:44easy to
00:29:44swallow pills did you say 500 500
00:29:52so we'll get some more water uh no
00:29:58oh god
00:30:12i slept on my arm weird oh god does the aero bed half deflated
00:30:17ah my neck elron i'm having a little trouble moving my neck
00:30:23how did i get over here well after you guys took all those ambien stop what ambient we took we
00:30:29took
00:30:29500 ambient pretty cool right todd that's what stasis is isn't that how a little peep died oh oh wait
00:30:38oh oh okay you're just all gonna take them off okay oh hey did you guys did you guys notice
00:30:43my sign
00:30:44it says welcome to mars a place for friends oh that's yeah that's cool man as you can see i
00:30:52drew
00:30:52each one of us took me most of the two weeks here todd what do you think uh it sucks
00:30:57it's stupid you're
00:30:58stupid you suck
00:31:01come on todd oh here we go ladies and gentlemen in a few moments the airlock door will open and
00:31:09in front of
00:31:10the watching world we will become the first people to step from this ship and see mars with our own
00:31:16eyes
00:31:25this is incredible
00:31:34gather around gather around just want to lay down some ground rules for my fellow
00:31:39martians
00:31:42thank you jesus the first and most important rule is have fun have fun up here guys this is your
00:31:49vacation mars is for fun the second rule is do not touch the airlock because it will kill you
00:31:55now down that corridor are the sleeping pods go claim a room and be back here for our first martian
00:31:59lunch at 1400.
00:32:04well hello kyle oh hey wimmy i see that you were praying again a lot of a lot of prayer
00:32:10with you
00:32:11all right so uh so what's your story well i'm a faithful husband with a wife who is quite a
00:32:17beauty
00:32:17on the inside a proud father to five angelic children i have type 2 diabetes and i don't
00:32:22believe in dinosaurs what about you uh i'm a dentist which is cool actually no it's not little kids hate
00:32:29me and uh i do believe in dinosaurs well we'll work on that that's why i'm here i'm a missionary
00:32:36of
00:32:37sorts i'm going to turn mars into the first completely christian planet okay but there
00:32:42aren't any people on mars aren't there oh no bon appetit whoa elron did you make all this yourself
00:32:54i had a little help from my good friend murdered midwestern homosexual teenager
00:33:01one more time elron i said this meal was actually prepared by one murdered midwestern homosexual
00:33:08teenager it's an acronym its technical name is mechanical ultra responsive dietary electronic
00:33:15robotic energized delivery meal interface dietary wellness efficiency system tactile edible
00:33:20response to his nutrition home or mobile omnivorous sustenance expeditious xeno culinary user aligned
00:33:25lunch tool enabled eating nourishment aging gastronomical electronic robot what but that's a
00:33:31little bit of a mouthful so we call it the murdered midwestern homosexual teenager for short that's
00:33:36really weird and offensive i think that happened this is a one-of-a-kind prototype but in a few
00:33:41years
00:33:41lord willing every town from chicago to new orleans will have its own murdered midwestern homosexual
00:33:47teenager gotta fix that acronym yeah some of those words seemed unnecessary you said robotic twice hey
00:33:53i didn't name it take it up with the good people that the holocaust was greatly exaggerated i'm sorry
00:33:58what it's a company it stands for technological human electronic okay so how does this thing work
00:34:04it's basically like a 3d printer for food you just say whatever you want it to make and it jager
00:34:12you got to hit that shit when the dj's on
00:34:16yeah baby wear myself pajama when the food ain't wrong
00:34:20you got to hit that shit when they play your song
00:34:24you got your you got your you got your you got your
00:34:28oh yeah
00:34:45whoa hey wimmy good morning this is a surprise yeah you're in my bed oh well are we sure you
00:34:55didn't get in my bed yep this is my bed oh well last night was the first in 18 years
00:35:01that i didn't
00:35:02share my bed with my lovely on the inside wife so in my sleep i must have wandered over here
00:35:06mistaking your bodily warmth for hers okay well i'm going to get up 10-4 good buddy
00:35:22there were good people on both sides of the charlottesville fans they even put spaces in the
00:35:34you know what peggy last night was fun i think this is a really great group we got here and
00:35:41it's cool
00:35:41that we're on mars and it's cool we're on mars you're right peggy fucking mars all right
00:35:51oh boy you know what that alarm means it's time for kyle's surprise
00:35:56oh okay what what's going on what are we talking about your surprise surprise later from future
00:36:02tennis oh right hey wow look at me everything's coming up kyle now i know the martian landscape
00:36:09can feel pretty foreign but you've won something that's going to make this place feel a lot more
00:36:15like home all right okay lay it on me fun okay kyle say hello to your very own talk to
00:36:25me baby what do we
00:36:26got
00:36:30beyoncee what the fuck what the fuck wait how is how how how is she here now when you won
00:36:38future tennis i asked
00:36:39you wanted surprise now or surprise later you said surprise later she shouldn't be here this is bad
00:36:45can we pause can we can we pause for a second can we make the door go back up please
00:36:48no kyle we have
00:36:50to get her out of there that's a decompression chamber they're very dangerous oh god oh god oh god
00:36:55fuck me fuck me oh fuck ha ha ha hi pumpkin hi kyle hi i'm candace kyle's fiance that's funny
00:37:07kyle never talked about you at all yeah i did yes i know i'm sure that i did so this
00:37:12is this is crazy
00:37:13this is also surprising how are you here well when you chose surprise later i knew we had to think
00:37:18of
00:37:19something really good for you and as luck would have it right then candace showed up at the launch
00:37:24pad and was going on and on about how much she needed to get up here and get to you
00:37:28when i found
00:37:29out i said what the heck send her up in a supply pod nothing is more important than true love
00:37:34that's so
00:37:35cool what would have happened if he chose surprise now he would have won four hundred thousand dollars
00:37:41oh four hundred thousand dollars yeah uh candace could could we just have a little sidebar to kind
00:37:50of clear the air because you know i'm i'm sensing a little hostility between us i'm not hostile kyle
00:37:56are you hostile no no no i just i i feel like you're in i mean i don't want to
00:38:01tell you how you feel but i
00:38:03imagine that you would have the right to be frustrated with me i'm perfectly calm kyle yeah but um
00:38:14you seem mad i'm not mad are you mad no no no i i'm not mad at all okay then
00:38:21we're not mad let's just
00:38:22drop it okay yeah yeah fine i mean it just it seems kind of weird you mother
00:38:29help she's gonna kill me you dickless piece of shit
00:38:34okay everyone seems like the perfect time for a little safety meeting we've had some rather unsafe
00:38:41behavior recently i'm not going to name names but i just want to really quickly go over some of the
00:38:47basics first things first this is the airlock earlier today kyle was suggesting that we leave
00:38:53someone in the airlock now this is unsafe for a myriad of reasons if you're in this thing without a
00:38:59space suit when the exterior door opens the changing pressures could be fatal now if you do have your
00:39:05space suit on and you're going to take a walk on the martian surface you would stand on this circle
00:39:09and give the voice command airlock close thank you peggy yes that is what i was spelling exterior door
00:39:23opening in 30 seconds okay luckily we have a safeguard built in if you happen to be stuck inside
00:39:30the airlock without your space suit just give the voice command abort airlock procedure i am doing it
00:39:38i was trying to abort i'm sorry i didn't quite get that evacuating airlock in 20 guys you cannot
00:39:47say the command while people are talking you all have to be okay i'm gonna take it from here okay
00:39:52yeah just be quiet kyle i'm sorry i didn't quite get you candace now you did it i'm sorry i
00:39:57was
00:39:58telling kyle to be quiet for you i wasn't gonna say anything you just did it everyone shut up everyone
00:40:05shut up shut up kyle shut up shut up wimmy shut up stop you just talked kandace sorry everyone
00:40:12will you both shut the everyone shut up
00:40:14shut up
00:40:18abort airlock
00:40:22oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my
00:40:26gosh oh my gosh did that just
00:40:27happen okay you guys are actually louder than my music did you not see that what are you talking
00:40:34about elron is dead who elron the the billionaire guy that brought us here the elron the main guy
00:40:42elron oh right he died his head exploded fuck off
00:40:49holy shit oh that is fucking cool no it's not fucking cool elron branson was the only one who
00:40:56knew how to operate the ship holy holy holy lord god almighty fat man be quiet not now okay okay
00:41:04okay
00:41:05we just we need to keep our heads together poor choice of words dude what poor choice of words
00:41:12what you said let's keep our heads together his head exploded the things you say are inappropriate
00:41:16you don't realize it you're dumb holy shit he won't stop singing oh i'm sorry i'm just the only one
00:41:24trying to get us out of this mess how uh by sending a little sos to the big man upstairs
00:41:29but wimmy god's
00:41:31not real peggy isn't it enough that you killed our captain do you have to blasphemy god while you're at
00:41:39it i didn't kill it you're the one who said airlock clothes airlock clothes hey come on wimmy
00:41:45leave peggy alone she can't help it she's you know what are you saying kyle well i mean peggy is
00:41:51obviously she's you know peggy i don't want to offend you but i mean you're you're obviously like you have
00:42:00a mental thing right are you mentally handicapped oh i'm sorry no that that came out wrong look it's not
00:42:08going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other now i'm sure each one of us in this
00:42:13room has
00:42:13made mistakes and right now the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive everyone here so that
00:42:21we can all work together moving forward so we can all work together moving forward todd what is with the
00:42:28attitude i don't have an attitude well i'm not your dad man i know you're not my dad my dad
00:42:33is awesome
00:42:35is alrod okay okay we have to get in touch with mission control tell them what happened and get
00:42:47them to pick us up and take us home i know hit this one peggy don't touch this is dangerous
00:42:53okay from now
00:42:54on no one no one touches anything todd telecom it's short for telecommunications
00:43:02mission control can you hear us there they are you bastards you bastard come to kill us now too
00:43:12guys guys we are so sorry about elrond it was an accident we saw everything there's cameras
00:43:20uh what what what do we do how do we get back home what happens okay well we should be
00:43:27able to just
00:43:28have the ship automatically bring you home just don't touch that big red button um peggy already did
00:43:37what you didn't hear a grinding sound did you yeah well great that just disengaged all the return
00:43:44boosters oh thank you peggy did i fix it well now now what are we screwed is there is there
00:43:50another
00:43:50way to get back of course there is in the sciences we always prepare for a plan b oh thank
00:43:57god yeah if
00:43:59we start constructing another ship now we can get to you guys in about five years five years did you
00:44:05say
00:44:05five years we're all gonna be stuck up here for five years five five whole years maybe you should have
00:44:11thought about that before you killed all rock branson he was a candle in the wind and a rocket man
00:44:19that dude was a nerd nerd nerd you know what that's the problem with cools you guys just think you
00:44:28can
00:44:28say whatever you want to anybody well if you wanted a world without nerds then merry christmas and happy
00:44:36birthday you're on one nerds out no no no nerds nerds nerds no no
00:44:53i cannot get enough of things like that look at that now let's see if we can go frame by
00:44:57frame toby
00:44:57can we go frame by frame here someone get toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame
00:45:01okay here we go now he's like oh i'm in trouble i'm in trouble boom rewind see see he's still
00:45:09alive
00:45:09there still alive there there still alive he's feeling it right there and that's where i think
00:45:15he died what about you i honestly have a hard time watching this stuff oh not me i have a
00:45:19whole folder
00:45:20of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home it's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in
00:45:24it
00:45:25getting back to the crisis at hand millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning the
00:45:29loss of billionaire philanthropist elron branson and watching the developments with bated breath so
00:45:35much so that mars enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor the events
00:45:40in the space station around the clock and with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person
00:45:46who knew how to operate the ship how do you think the crew's holding up i tell you it must
00:45:51be incredibly
00:45:51incredibly tense up there let's take a look at the feed where should we start hey why not the women's
00:45:57bathroom i like the way you think stupid kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up but you're going to
00:46:04remind him you're the hottest bitch on this planet pizza roast beef chocolate frost and lucky charms
00:46:30that's an interesting name i'm not going to stick my dick in crazy what you just told your boyfriend
00:46:36you're on a break you're hurt you're angry you want to somebody you're being crazy oh my god i wouldn't
00:46:43even think okay sweet that is not why i came over here oh okay my mistake and for your information
00:46:51crazy girls are the best in bed that's not true that's just something crazy girls say oh
00:47:03hey peggy they never said there was a limit on how much food we can make god it stinks in
00:47:09here
00:47:10anyways just wanted to stop by and say you were looking pretty hot tonight shut up literally nobody has
00:47:19ever said that to me literally that's a shame because i think you're fucking sexy candace you
00:47:27are blowing my mind right now what do you say we lock this door put on some music grab a
00:47:35bottle of
00:47:36everclear and candace i'm gonna stop you right there i don't stick my fingers in crazy what it's my one
00:47:43rule don't get me wrong candace you're a very attractive woman and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't
00:47:49flattered but i know where this road leads and it's not a place where either of us would feel what
00:47:55the
00:47:55is wrong with everyone on this spaceship
00:48:04hey there wimmy right
00:48:13okay
00:48:16hi candace i was just talking to my best friend who's your best friend oh this is so
00:48:24fucking hard what say you and i have a little drink let me stop you right there i do not
00:48:30imbibe but i am
00:48:32happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with
00:48:36alcohol you're funny listen women you're a man with knees i'm a woman with knees what do you say we
00:48:46help each other out what no no no no no no no no no no i am taken here's the
00:48:51tillium's clan right here
00:49:11i'm sorry i just don't know what's going on with me this whole thing with me and kyle has me
00:49:17i feel like i'm losing my mind i'm not usually like this i swear okay well the lord has everything
00:49:26happen for a reason so uh maybe he can use this as a teachable moment okay john 3 16 says
00:49:34for god so
00:49:35loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son yeah but wimmy we're not on earth well it says
00:49:42earth
00:49:42but it means the whole solar system well why would he say earth if he meant solar system
00:49:49candace well way back when this was written god probably had no idea that in the future man would
00:49:54make it to other planets well i i mean he knew he just he had to know he just probably
00:50:00didn't i mean
00:50:02hold on hey hey i mean i get it guys in high school i wasn't the most popular guy either
00:50:08i i didn't even
00:50:09kiss a girl until i was 18. 18 18 that's not nerdy that's cool i didn't mean 18 it wasn't
00:50:1918. i don't
00:50:20i don't know why i said that it was way later it was like like 20. 29 29 i was
00:50:2529. oh okay
00:50:29that's pretty lame i guess i mean i kissed a girl when i was 28. i didn't but i could
00:50:35have
00:50:35wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute you you kissed a girl at 28 are you sure i'm
00:50:40not talking
00:50:41to a couple of cools right now yeah right get out of here you don't really think that oh i
00:50:49don't know
00:50:49i'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now shut up you know what would be
00:50:54really cool though if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home
00:51:01well i guess us cools have to stick together that's right okay well it's not gonna be easy
00:51:09but i think if we all keep our cool we'll be able to walk you through it first thing you're
00:51:16gonna need
00:51:17to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank kyle i'm so sorry can we talk just just just a
00:51:24minute
00:51:24candace the mission control guys are helping us get home all right now to do this you'll need to
00:51:29divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return tank okay resting
00:51:34generators got it i cheated on you with wimmy with wimmy what why weird okay okay all right look
00:51:43candace that is really shitty and we will have to talk about that but i i gotta do this right
00:51:49now
00:51:49this is what i'm talking about i travel all the way through space to get to mars to talk to
00:51:55you
00:51:55and all you do is ignore me guys is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal or is
00:52:01this
00:52:01somewhere in the ship here that is outside of the ship right on the underside of the central pond
00:52:08the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on
00:52:12the ship right
00:52:12two years of my life kyle my two best years wasted with you
00:52:19oh my god
00:52:20oh my god i could have married brian the ladies
00:52:45the meek shall inherit the earth
00:52:49the earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord
00:52:54the earth is the lord to the fullness thereof
00:53:04the thing she she broke the thing we're gonna die do you want to play future tennis with me
00:53:12todd i i don't know how to fix the container and i saw her do it she threw the the
00:53:18thing and then it
00:53:18made the the thing punch right through it we're gonna die we're all gonna die what are you talking
00:53:23about we're gonna die man and why do you think we're dying because i saw the air our air is
00:53:29sucked
00:53:29out into outer space okay and how did that happen because this no no do not judge me until i
00:53:38have
00:53:39finished my sentence because then you will see that she has murdered you and she has murdered you and she
00:53:48has murdered me and she has also committed suicide and killed wimmy where where's wimmy
00:53:57there is no god here we abandoned him when we left the earth he has no jurisdiction up here the
00:54:03red
00:54:03planet is the planet of the devil okay first of all i'm gonna apologize to the room uh i lost
00:54:12my cool
00:54:12there i said some things that didn't need to be said and it's important for a leader to be calm
00:54:17and
00:54:18collected what what dude you are amazing hey can you say that part about you being the leader again
00:54:24kyle do you want to play future tennis with me kyle hates future tennis he thinks it's a game that
00:54:30makes the person you claim to have love for two years come and see you after you tried to run
00:54:34away
00:54:34from them okay candace can we can we try and stay focused please life-threatening situation here ring a
00:54:39bell you threw a fit now we're fucked we're fucked yes we're fucked we're not fucked we still have a
00:54:44perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home no the nerd said that there's
00:54:49all this complicated stuff we have to do let me guess what they said we have to refuel fill up
00:54:54the
00:54:54gas tank they yeah well they said fuel reserve uh-huh i'm guessing their plan involves something like
00:55:00diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's reserve probably some sort of exterior
00:55:04switch and a transfer hose we need to connect wait a minute okay i don't want to offend you right
00:55:10now but
00:55:11are you smart uh i don't want to offend you but are you smart todd can i get a sidebar
00:55:18really quick
00:55:21candace and wimmy are very crazy and peggy is also very crazy you you seem in a weird way
00:55:27not to be crazy do you think that you can help me fix this ship uh i think you'll be
00:55:31more like you
00:55:32helping me fix the ship and also i don't need that i find that to be very encouraging
00:55:41hey there lust muffin what the fuck did you just say guess what what turns out you were right about
00:55:48satan ruling mars i didn't say anything i should have seen it earlier it was right in front of my
00:55:54damn face part of my french i swear now what are you talking about i was just in my room
00:56:00indulging my own
00:56:01flesh treating my body like a damn playground what is that playing with my private parts outside of
00:56:09marriage and i don't give a shh damn and guess what i loved it now i get what all the
00:56:16fuss is about
00:56:17why are you telling me all this i'm here to take you up on your offer i want to do
00:56:22every damn thing
00:56:26ah fuck it these suits are pretty cool
00:56:34we just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on mars isn't that kind of crazy
00:56:40i mean it is to me a little bit i mean that's a big that's a big deal oh todd
00:56:47be careful
00:56:48oh is that the hose we need oh good
00:56:54hey how do you know how to do all this stuff you seem really confident
00:56:58i don't know anything mechanical i was an indoor kid i can't even change a flat
00:57:07did that fix it is it fixed if you want to talk to me you have to press this button
00:57:22i can't it won't go in it keeps bending maybe your butthole's broken my butthole's not broken
00:57:30wimmy you have to be hard i'm pretty hard it just keeps bending though
00:57:36oh candace you need to relax more so i can stuff it in there i just got it in i'm
00:57:42in
00:57:43we are having sodomy wow you're not in no you're right it's out again damn i i gotta say todd
00:57:52i am
00:57:53pretty impressed oh great i impressed kyle that means a lot when i get home everyone will be like
00:57:58hey todd how was mars i'll be like it was okay but the real cool thing is while i was
00:58:02up there i
00:58:03impressed some idiot dude what is the deal what what is with the negativity man what is your issue
00:58:10with me seriously seriously yeah i don't like the way you treat women i'm sorry excuse me the way i
00:58:18treat women did i bash her face in with the lamp did i throw a monitor in her head it
00:58:23just didn't
00:58:24really sit well with me the way you were throwing around the b-word back there she is so mean
00:58:29to me
00:58:29she's been treating me like this for two years and she's wrecked the spaceship now and she's ruined
00:58:34my life she ruins your life she came all the way up to mars for you she is crazy yeah
00:58:39because you've
00:58:39made her crazy look you're obviously not really committed to your relationship and you've just
00:58:43been stringing her along instead of manning up and doing the right thing what marry her no break up with
00:58:50her let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her now if you'll excuse me i'm
00:58:56gonna go
00:58:56fix the ship
00:59:03wimmy tilliums is my name and sitting is my new game committing adultery felt that good
00:59:08i can't imagine how good it must feel to sit even harder
00:59:21hey there handsome devil
00:59:30when the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends
00:59:36there's always one thing that you can count on i'm talking about friends
00:59:43you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
00:59:49friends are always there for you when no one else is around
00:59:56friends that's what i'm talking about
00:59:59friends you'd be a mess without
01:00:08friends
01:00:15they're the gang that you want to be with whenever you are able
01:00:21friends
01:00:32do you remember the slew of a-list celebs that were constantly dropping by
01:00:45and last but not least
01:00:49we had
01:01:02i'm
01:01:03from cool world to fight club he's never let us down
01:01:09last night i dreamt that they remained hot it was brad pit town
01:01:16oh
01:01:16oh
01:01:17shit i'm singing with my eyes closed again
01:01:18fuck
01:01:19i just don't understand what you want from me
01:01:22stop trying to make me the bad guy here
01:01:24stop acting like one
01:01:25uh okay so sorry about that uh you missed a couple things basically
01:01:30what happened was while todd finished fixing the ship kyle tried to explain to candace all that
01:01:36that stuff that todd was telling him about how he wasn't being fair to her
01:01:39but he he still didn't really have the balls to tell her how he honestly felt so she's still
01:01:44confused and unhappy so she got all pissed and then he got all defensive and it was a pretty
01:01:50good scene anyway sorry sorry again watch friends
01:01:54i'm tired of all these mind games kyle either love me or let me go
01:02:01look i i really do care about you but but by my calculations we got 10 minutes of air left
01:02:09so let's do this thing
01:02:12had to do some jerry rigging on the ignition system but this cord should pull enough juice
01:02:16from the main comm board for us to blast off holy
01:02:19shit dude i am so glad you're smart all right that's it
01:02:23murder sucks fuck it let's go home and if the fat nerdy bible guy wants to come with us you
01:02:30better hurry his ass up wherever he is
01:02:35what the fuck
01:02:39wimmy what the fuck that was a big sin and wimmy likey wimmy likey a lot oh my god there
01:02:48is no god
01:02:48up here kyle i have abandoned the way of the lamb i now worship the goat the dark one demands
01:02:57more
01:02:57sacrifices more blood for satan guys get in the ship say what god let's go
01:03:04begging candace get in the ship we gotta get out of here metal music nudity democrats look look
01:03:11me across jesus remember how much you like your buddy jesus
01:03:24we're in we made it we're all here huh well todd's dead right yeah that's uh right yeah that that's
01:03:30that's too bad and elron died shit right yeah he he also died and i'm assuming women won't survive
01:03:37when we leave well that's well i mean fuck him right come on let's just get out of here
01:03:43suck my dick mars ignition in ten nine eight oh god what's happening where are we going where's two
01:03:58where's one face me face your fears oh this fucking guy is ridiculous
01:04:06fuck what goodbye candace no you are not doing this again
01:04:12kid is i am not running away from you i i just i don't love you
01:04:18and maybe i just realized that myself but i also know that you you deserve someone that does
01:04:32that's what's going to happen to you i don't know what's going to happen to you
01:04:34get away from the court in this corner fighting for the side of satan
01:04:39will be tell you jesus christ and fighting for the side of his precious jesus christ
01:04:48kaiya wimi i'm just gonna step over there and i'm gonna pick up the core
01:04:52mortal kombat
01:05:05fitting isn't it that it would end up the two of us locked in bad
01:05:14that's what's going to happen to you
01:05:17he fucking bit me
01:05:24i'm sorry
01:05:42What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle, what's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us. We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:42This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:56Oh, I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good.
01:07:00The world is ours.
01:07:02One more, in fact.
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves.
01:07:06Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancé, Kyle Capshaw, on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod,
01:07:15releasing a statement saying nothing is more important than true love.
01:07:20What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up? What's their angle?
01:07:25I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float.
01:07:33We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up.
01:07:54Hitting a brick wall here.
01:07:56Think, Cooter. Think.
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took $12 billion from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:10That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate.
01:08:15I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement.
01:08:20The others get a free ride because they're shell companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who?
01:08:25What do these products have in common?
01:08:27They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you, Papa Nero's Pizza.
01:08:47Wrong answer.
01:08:51Please stop.
01:08:52Please stop.
01:08:52Please.
01:08:53I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man.
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking.
01:09:00Take us up the chain.
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager.
01:09:08Lucy, I'm home.
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us.
01:09:13No, no.
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle.
01:09:17I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth.
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler.
01:09:25They cut my fucking toe off.
01:09:27Oh, that's right.
01:09:29You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:32I don't know what's going on.
01:09:34Please.
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch.
01:09:38Chomp chomp.
01:09:39Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know.
01:09:41Our parent company is technological, human, electronic, household, optimal, luxury, organic,
01:09:47cyber, anthropomorphic, utility systems, treatment, worldwide, analytic software.
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated.
01:09:53They bankrolled the whole fucking thing.
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself,
01:09:57so he links up with this company and promises them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in.
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad, and they're like,
01:10:05shit, this will be some drama.
01:10:06Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks.
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship
01:10:12would be able to withstand the radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes, I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years.
01:10:18Please don't kill me.
01:10:19Oh, God, don't kill me.
01:10:21Listen to this.
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today
01:10:26in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was.
01:10:31There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial,
01:10:34you sick fucks.
01:10:36Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now.
01:10:42There's their headquarters.
01:10:43And I'll bet you all the meth in the world
01:10:45that they're doing more than making home appliances in there.
01:10:50Aha, skinheads.
01:10:51I knew it.
01:10:53All this time, I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated
01:10:55was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker.
01:10:59It's a fucking front for a white power group.
01:11:01Of course.
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man.
01:11:07They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products
01:11:10and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world
01:11:14would be a utopia.
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements,
01:11:17they'll send up more and more people.
01:11:19I so horny.
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy.
01:11:22Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twigs!
01:11:33The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twigs!
01:11:50That's the fucking spaceship!
01:11:52They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew
01:11:55they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors,
01:12:01then that phony fucker fakes his own death
01:12:03and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit
01:12:06use the accidents to get the whole world
01:12:08watching their bullshit racist white utopia propaganda
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple.
01:12:18Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked.
01:12:26How am I breathing?
01:12:29God?
01:12:31Oh, no.
01:12:32What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck?
01:12:48What is happening?
01:12:49How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars.
01:12:52You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carlin, Nevada.
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you
01:12:56for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial.
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy
01:13:02to figure it out,
01:13:03but it's all right now.
01:13:04Mr. Connor!
01:13:06Skinhead!
01:13:06Ooh!
01:13:08Ooh!
01:13:10Ooh!
01:13:12Ooh!
01:13:12Ooh!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun.
01:13:15Twinks!
01:13:16Light them up.
01:13:35Bashball!
01:13:36I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Booter!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:45No!
01:14:10367 people were killed today
01:14:12in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada.
01:14:14A horrific scene that led authorities to discover Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:22Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell,
01:14:26the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:29with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey guys. That's sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight. Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon,
01:15:03who's going to be playing Guess Who with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey, how'd it go? Um, what-what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay. Um, are you doing all right?
01:15:27Yeah. I'm still shaking up a bit, but yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess this is it.
01:15:36Yeah, I-I guess so.
01:15:40So, what are you going to do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no. No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble. He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no. Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something
01:15:55in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah. Huh. Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace. Um, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I really am.
01:16:20I know. And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:30Hey! Elrond!
01:16:31Oh! Hey, Kyle. Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true? It was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep. Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,
01:16:43I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it. You were already rich.
01:16:48I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancée who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses
01:17:05until they just sort of, like, jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean? How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government
01:17:18to give us our funding back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism
01:17:22in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show
01:17:25in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah. She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but...
01:17:41What about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah. The thing is, uh...
01:17:49Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Because she's...
01:17:56I mean, she's like...
01:17:59I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle,
01:18:04a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence
01:18:08of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean
01:18:23everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often
01:18:27while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here.
01:18:31Trapped down here.
01:18:32We just can't have a doll licker
01:18:34be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the Stranded Martian passengers
01:18:43are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll
01:18:48who's probably very happy
01:18:49that they're safe and sound.
01:19:00Oh, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy
01:19:06from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork
01:19:09National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning,
01:19:13she was seen playing the xylophone
01:19:14with Michael Strahan
01:19:15on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling
01:19:18that Ryan Gosling
01:19:19has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early
01:19:22to start talking
01:19:22about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:27I am strongly attracted
01:19:28to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like
01:19:33it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out,
01:19:36I have no idea
01:19:37what's gonna happen.
01:19:46Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:19:48Come here.
01:20:01Come here.
01:20:03Come here.
01:22:04And the trouble never ends.
01:22:07There's always one thing that you can count on.
01:22:10I'm talking about friends.
01:22:13You can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down.
01:22:20And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:34Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel.
01:22:38They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friends should never friends.
01:22:53Friends, true story.
01:22:54My cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stephanie.
01:23:10My cousin, my cousin, my cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:21Buy it on Amazon.
01:23:23Friends, do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:54Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt, you would be dead without Brad Pitt, America's sweetheart Brad Pitt.
01:24:14From cool world to fight club, he's never let us down.
01:24:20Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous? That would be insane.
01:24:33Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt, come on Academy, where is the Oscar for Brad Pitt?
01:24:44I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt's sexiest man alive.
01:24:51That's just because, oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed. Sorry.
01:24:54Brad Pitt, mest Church, for Brad Pitt, studies an-
01:24:58Bad sor 치 provenance to see you on the streets.
01:25:01especial
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