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Malcolm In The Middle Lifes Still Unfair S01E01 [Full Movie] [Long Version]Full EP - Full
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00:07Previously on Malcolm in the Middle
00:15What are you looking at?
00:18Wee!
00:21I've been stealing money from the church
00:33You're going to put your hands inside of mommy
00:35And take out this baby
00:38And someone actually asked for more of this
00:44Life is unfair
00:51I really appreciate the opportunity
00:53Everyone in my class was after this internship
00:56I fought tooth and nail work
00:57No problem, we are glad to have you
00:59So, what do you guys do?
01:02Well, we install computer systems
01:05In grocery store chains and food manufacturers
01:07To align their inventory software
01:09With food banks and shelters all across the country
01:11So instead of unused food getting dumped
01:14It goes to people who actually need it
01:15Got it, and what is a food bank?
01:20Maybe watch our video a few more times
01:27Yeah, I look different
01:29But hey, everything about me is different
01:32I'm happy
01:33I'm successful
01:34I've learned to work productively with idiots
01:36My life is fantastic now
01:40You want to know how I did it?
01:41All I had to do
01:43Is stay completely away from my family
01:46Here we go
02:00You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out
02:03These things have lasted for six months
02:05You know, I can call back later
02:07Come on, Dewey
02:07You've seen this like a thousand times
02:09It's just a normal human body
02:11Doing normal human behavior
02:13Undergrowth
02:16How's the concert tour?
02:18It's fine
02:19But I'm really sorry
02:20I'm not going to make your anniversary party
02:22I'm sad too
02:23But you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty
02:25I mean, what if Carl Gustav
02:27Wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:29Is Jamie going to make it?
02:30I think so
02:31He put in for a leave
02:31Towel! Towel! Towel!
02:35Trauma averted
02:36Thank you
02:39Hey, Dewey
02:40Hi, Kelly
02:40How's school?
02:41Beneath me
02:42How's Sonia?
02:43Oh, um
02:44It's not Sonia anymore
02:45It's Lisbon
02:45No!
02:46Annette!
02:47Anyway
02:47She's good
02:48We're really connecting
02:49But we're going to go shopping later
02:51Do them want to come?
02:54Him can't come with we?
02:56Us has homework
02:57Hey, he's trying
02:58Don't mock him for it
02:59I'm not afraid of you
03:00That's not
03:01I get good grades
03:02I help around the house
03:03I'm your only kid without a file at the police station
03:06I'm untouchable
03:07Yeah, well
03:08It wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while
03:12I love you
03:13Oh, that just sounds sarcastic
03:15I love you
03:17Nice and annoyed
03:18I kind of do
03:19It's your timbre
03:21I love you
03:21I love you
03:22I love you
03:23The middle one was nice
03:25Thank you
03:28So back in college
03:30I completely turned my life around
03:31Because I realized
03:33The less contact I have with my family
03:35The less I act like a sociopath
03:37I've become more patient
03:39Less angry
03:40Way more mature
03:42Anytime I am around them
03:44It takes me like two seconds to revert
03:46For crying out loud
03:47I speak fluent Spanish
03:48I know how to say quesadilla
03:50I don't know
03:50It sounded like you said
03:51Quesadilla
03:52Oh, no
03:52You're like
03:53Quesadilla
03:55Siempre hacen esto
03:56Intentan colegir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada
03:59Say exactamente como van a enseƱar quesadilla
04:02Quesadilla
04:03That's it
04:04That already said
04:05That already said
04:05Quesadilla
04:12Grandma's television was plasma
04:13I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her
04:16And it was obvious from the rich deep black
04:18You're insane
04:19She bought that TV in 2015
04:20All right
04:21They already had full array LEDs
04:22With the same picture quality for a quarter of the price
04:26It's not showing off
04:27It's a completely sensible
04:29Mid-price sedan
04:30Why don't you just admit
04:31You're stuck up
04:32And shoving your shiny new car in my face
04:33To make me feel bad
04:34Is this stuck up
04:36Is this showing off
04:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad
04:42It's not them
04:43It's me
04:44Being around them
04:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact
04:49My house is a true layover flight from anyone
04:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays
04:55But I also create the illusion of closeness
04:57With effusive emails
04:59And phone calls
05:00And birthday cards
05:01Saying how much I miss them
05:02And I can't wait to see them
05:03It's really important to me
05:05Not to hurt their feelings
05:07Because then
05:07They'll make me talk to them about it face to face
05:10Welcome to Huge Mart
05:12Where our deals are
05:13We still need a 200 pack of votive candles
05:14And a thousand feet of ruby tassel garland
05:17Oh, there's gold
05:18No, 40th anniversary's ruby
05:19Not gold
05:20Get in the game, Hal
05:22Hey, lovebirds
05:24I hid your mini disco balls
05:26Thank you, Craig
05:27They're in the clone aisle
05:28Behind my signature scent
05:32Which is
05:33Suave Sauvage
05:34For him
05:35Already got it
05:37So, how do you like the new job?
05:39Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid
05:42But after they denied my promotion
05:44And that mysterious, untraceable fire
05:46I'm glad I found a new home
05:47Lois
05:48Come quick
05:49It's that famous celebrity you like
05:56Oh, yeah, yeah
05:58Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
06:03Never had much faith in love for miracles
06:07Miracles
06:09Never wanna put my heart on the line
06:16But swimming in your water
06:18Is something spiritual
06:21Spiritual
06:22Spiritual
06:22Spiritual
06:22I'm born again every time you spend the night
06:27E-I-I-I
06:29Cause the sex takes me to paradise
06:32And it's true
06:36Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:38Cause you make me feel like
06:41I've been locked out of heaven
06:45For too long
06:49Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
06:52Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
06:56Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:59Can I just stay here?
07:02Spend the rest of my days here
07:05Because your sex takes me to paradise
07:32that's it now it's my meatball okay let's take it from the sex part guys you know that was magical
07:40let's not go past it it was lovely hell thank you it was just a little weird two weeks before
07:46the
07:46anniversary no before or after the party we agreed you can do anything you want as often as you want
07:53before or after the actual anniversary day is mine you promise under duress i'll promise anything when
08:00you do that thing hal for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration you you
08:08do the most wonderful romantic amazing grand gestures the fireworks display releasing those
08:14doves that should have been done outside and away from the fan and now this once i want to be
08:20the
08:20one deciding how we celebrate and not have your plans just happen to me why don't you play with
08:29your friends while i finish up she makes it seem like every little romantic gesture i've ever made
08:37is crazy no no it won't hurt to let lois do it exactly the way she wants to for one
08:44oh so i just
08:45sit back do nothing like i don't even love her no no no not on my watch how please you're
08:49the only one
08:50of us still married do not break a promise to that woman i would never lois gets her day but
08:57until then
08:58every moment of every day i will show her so much love she will run screaming at the side of
09:03me
09:17nice right and this isn't even the best thing the best thing the best thing in the whole world is
09:23who's
09:23inside it my daughter leah she's kind of a trophy i won in college for attending my first kegger
09:29she hates that joke
09:33her mother dreamer yes her name is dreamer ran off three days after giving birth so single father
09:40but i'm good at it i just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite it's not
09:45that hard
09:50i won't make it worse i won't make it worse
09:56just so you know i don't cry like this all the time i also do depressed apathy paralyzed embarrassment
10:04and impotent fury it's a rich inner life
10:10sweetie what's wrong allison gib got invited me to her birthday party
10:15why is that sad you want the list allison and her friends did this as a joke they know i
10:21know they
10:21don't want me to go if i do go they'll freeze me out until i burst into tears and daddy
10:26comes to get
10:26me which is what they really want i'm completely isolated at school i've never had any friends and
10:32my personality by which i mean your personality makes it impossible for me to ever have any
10:39okay well do you want my list you're intelligent you're beautiful and hard-working and incredibly
10:45perceptive and yeah thanks for that too that's how i notice every smirk and slight and microscopic
10:51eye roll aimed at me since first grade why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up i
10:55have no armor
10:56leah look i am so sorry you're going through this but i promise it'll get better it got so much
11:04better for me once i went off to college so that's less than a a decade it's actually worse when
11:11he tries
11:12hard why'd that make you nervous what your phone why did that call make you nervous i'm not nervous
11:21it was just working we're talking maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous
11:27and why do you keep it so hot in here i want to be alone now anyway okay i'm not
11:33going to smother you
11:34but i'm here for you like always i love you really love you
11:43love you so much
11:49malcolm i need you to call me back today about our anniversary we have to know when you're coming
11:53and we know you're coming because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate love you
11:59i didn't answer dad's voicemail yesterday so i knew it would escalate to mom i wrote the email
12:04sorry i was in emergency meetings till late and i just heard your voicemail
12:07i schedule that to send at 2 16 a.m that way i look considerate for emailing instead of calling
12:13her back trust me she'll check the time stamp i have to set up six more food banks this month
12:18but barring a crisis i'll be there that's what's great about running a charity anything i say is a
12:24crisis is a crisis for charity scored the cut dry fitted twice so now i glue it down perfect this
12:34is
12:34so easy i had no idea i can't wait to start the gazebo next week you know reese doing these
12:40projects
12:41together every weekend i love it more than anything me too i have to confess though that uh this floor
12:49was
12:50fine you don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months i know you do but almost every job
12:59we've done the car the backyard irrigation the washing machine they didn't need to be done either
13:05it's my favorite thing to do anyway i'm spending a lot of money fixing things that don't need fixing
13:12and since this is really just about us spending time together maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles no i know
13:19how to do puzzles you steal one piece so you're the only one that can finish it we have to
13:24be building or
13:25fixing things whoa what's what's going on dad have you ever heard of a metaphor
13:36yes race we all know my life sucks i've ruined my job my marriages i don't really have any friends
13:46that's not the metaphor yet ready things like gluing these tiles so they fit together perfectly
13:52is a metaphor for me fitting in with people and these tools are a metaphor for you and all the
14:00things in life you're teaching me dad you're a tool a tool to help me build my life back
14:09i will always be your tool
14:15you know what's great about going to a fancy private high school
14:20nothing it is the same emotional shithole as every other high school
14:27hi allison did you get my invitation it's going to be really fun
14:31dad got an aura camera i did thanks great see you there
14:47yeah
14:48oh hey cheyenne i couldn't finish my math homework can you show me how to do a slope intercept
14:53of course i don't mind at all i'm always happy to help you know you don't have to
14:56panic about it i wasn't panicking oh it's just i can see where you've been pulling out your hair
15:04i'm not saying you pull out your hair it's probably just ringworm and that's easy to fix
15:08eight weeks of fungicide pills because it's not an actual worm inside your head it's a fungus
15:16oh god what do i do make it seem like i was joking
15:27what is wrong with her i'm really sorry about the whole thing you othered cheyenne in view of the
15:33peer group yeah i knew i was upsetting her and i was trying to fix it but i kept making
15:37it worse because
15:38right before other girls hurt my feelings so i i wasn't thinking clearly i'm not blaming them
15:44they can't help it robert topolsky has pretty compelling research that endorphin levels actually
15:48spike when members of an in group exclude or attack members of an out group at least with chimpanzees
15:54no he's on youtube
16:08once a week he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and flex
16:17get ready you're gonna see something shocking
16:22hey i'm proud of us we actually got all the way to the bed before you went at it
16:29tristan my girlfriend i mean it is so much more than that she loves me i know it sounds like
16:36a lot
16:37of me too how was your day it was good we won the grosvenor innovation grant i beat an ai
16:46dude you
16:48don't have to keep proving how smart you are i really don't care oh except for my taxes that was
16:53awesome so what do you care about i care that you always listen to me and that you're supportive
17:00and that you keep your promises and mostly i care that you understand in a deep and complete way
17:09who i am inside then you love me anyway and i am so grateful for that jesus i thought we
17:19were just
17:19doing panther
17:27she's gonna like me right you're kidding lee's gonna love you you're as worried as i am what makes
17:33you say that because you know that if she doesn't like me we can't move forward i mean eventually we'd
17:39have to break up but i have so many plans to prevent that uh mutual interest outings weekly kindness days
17:45shared journaling there's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball and you pass it back
17:49and
17:50forth to each other and you keep saying nice things and and you keep throwing it until you
17:53guys are both tied up really tight together in the yarn i'm betting on us look you can make friends
18:01with anyone i've seen it and it's obvious how much we love each other leah's gonna see that and
18:05she's gonna want to be a part of it i don't know when i was her age i hated myself
18:09and everything in
18:10my field of vision so shall i grow it can we wait for that no no it is past time
18:16we did this we're
18:18doing it okay you're also honest and sincere and sensitive not to mention in bed the way you combine
18:29enthusiasm and startling physical strength with a clear understanding of nuance yeah
18:39tristan likes green so maybe wear your chinos she went to private school too so you can talk
18:43about that and politics just makes her upset movies she can talk about them all day but she loves rom
18:49com so don't you say anything snotty you can write this down if you want i would but my pen
18:55is busy
18:55doing actual homework sweet so when do i yell i want my real mommy and run out in tears
19:01i'll surprise you please this is important to me dad i get it it's your only chance for love and
19:07i have complete control over your future happiness every parenting book says i shouldn't let you believe
19:13that kelly where are you what can i do are you okay what's the matter that i have to make
19:22up a lie
19:23to get my own brother to answer the phone you have to promise me you'll come to mom and dad's
19:27anniversary
19:27kelly i'm trying hey listen to me all they talk about is whether or not you'll be there
19:32they're old malcolm they could die any second decapitated in a car wreck slowly choking to
19:38death on a respirator from some lingering illness stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in
19:43clock is ticking busy boy you can do this for them i am doing everything i can to be there
19:48but my
19:49charity just has me so busy all the time so you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure for
19:53hundreds of charities and corporations but even after six months notice you can't plan half a day off
19:58wow that's almost mom level okay at their age they're a little self-righteous simultaneously
20:04overconfident and insecure validate their intentions and blow some smoke look i am glad that you see how
20:11important this is for mom and dad they are lucky to have you looking out for them other kids your
20:14age
20:15aren't half as perceptive what i'm i'm on the phone okay look i am so sorry but i do have
20:23to get back to
20:23work but don't worry i'm sure i can be there love you hey linda can you print me that report
20:27with that
20:29one you got to get in and out before they can think too much how do you not allow glitter
20:34you're a party
20:35venue i just want a couple of handfuls for people to toss during our spotlight dance
20:40okay so no letter did our monogrammed cocktail stirs with a little hearts did they come in
20:47no no they come with the radiant elegance package
20:52the radiant mystique elegance package how much does that cost
21:00okay just do it such nonsense i'm sorry to be taking all the attention away from your 40th birthday
21:07mom i'm 39 i was born on your first anniversary not your wedding day
21:1639 of course you are hey how are you guys enjoying the new guest suite the garage yeah once we
21:22unpacked
21:23the bag stomped a few spiders got the plastic tarp off the bed it was real homie me and dad
21:27did all
21:28the renovations your brother's become quite the handyman well it is great a heads up the toilet
21:33wasn't connected would have been cool you know we could afford a motel absolutely not we love having
21:39you here besides you got to save up some money until you get a solid job mom i've been there
21:4315 years
21:44i'm senior management i have 75 people under me that's 75 people plotting to replace you
21:50and you need to retie your bows they need to be droopy they droop they need to droop languidly
21:56look at your father's your knots are too crisp use baby hands why don't you criticize his bows
22:02those aren't languid they're turgid dad likes me better than you now did you ever talk to malcolm no we
22:09keep trading emails back and forth i know he's doing good things but he is going to work himself to
22:13death
22:14i just got off the phone with him he's not coming
22:24okay we can do this it's going to be great love you love you do you need to pee no
22:28yes no no
22:30i'm sorry leah we're here
22:37leah this is tristan
22:42hi hi leah
22:51good we're we're easing in slowly it's no rush
22:58so how much did he prep you
23:06when you were four you tried to scare miss rachel into cancelling preschool by saying her mold didn't
23:10look right you have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly
23:21you refuse an award from the state young sciences challenge because you thought it would make you a
23:25famous nerd you love being a physical therapist but you are gross out when you have to touch old people
23:32do you find to a spitting rage if you do wordle in three i do sometimes when you stand up
23:38too fast
23:38you fart and i have to ignore i do you don't now him
23:45has he ever told you about his reluctant movement oh my god no one time i found a notepad where
23:52he wrote
23:52assemblyman congressman lieutenant governor and the thing the thing with the actor shape
24:03why i don't know i've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life it always does this could
24:10be
24:10my family my last checkbox this is amazing welcome we are not doing this by email or text or over
24:18the
24:18phone or by zoom we are going to talk about it no matter what you have to arrange you are
24:23going
24:24to be at our anniversary with the rest of the family dad
24:32you have a daughter she's alive what's happening
24:44you made me do this how come this family's non-stop anti-social behavior and mindless belligerence and
24:50myopic priorities are toxic to me every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault
24:56getting away from you is how i finally stopped being such an asshole wait so your biggest problem is
25:07that we exist
25:14thank you who are you i don't know how could you do this to your family no stop you insisted
25:24on
25:24barging in on my home okay without an invitation so you can at least give me the courtesy to explain
25:29myself please sit down
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