- 6 hours ago
Urzila S01E04-6 (2026) [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:05Hello, Ursula?
00:07Kids, shut up.
00:08Shh, shh, shh.
00:10Are you home?
00:12Weevil!
00:14Someone find Mommy's pants.
00:15Where are you naked?
00:17Who put this shit on the wall?
00:20What?
00:21What's the emergency?
00:22Did someone die?
00:23I just thought I'd pop by.
00:25Pop by?
00:26Bitch, I'm not prepared for that.
00:28This house is a mess.
00:29I'm not going to let you see my filth.
00:31I bet you're one of those tidy house psychos.
00:33What are you hiding, huh?
00:34What kind of fritzle situation is going on at your place?
00:37Can I just use your bathroom?
00:39No.
00:40We don't have one.
00:42Yeah, we're free weirs now.
00:44It's better for the environment.
00:45Just go wee over there.
00:53You grub.
00:54You are on fire!
00:56Oh, my God!
00:59Honestly, you make my tits perk up and nothing does that.
01:02Can I just say, as a 50-year-old woman, do you know the hardest part of my day these
01:06days?
01:06And you go, is it menopause?
01:08No, it's lining up my nipples.
01:10Like, initially, like, in my 40s, it was once a day, I put the bra on, I'd line the girls
01:15up, I'd go, I'm good to go.
01:16Now, they go, they're wilting like celery in Brisbane.
01:22They just can't do it.
01:24Then you talk to younger women, you know, whose skin's still fit.
01:27And they go, it's so embarrassing.
01:29Today, I went to work and I forgot to put on a bra.
01:37They go, I didn't even notice till I went for morning tea, made a cup of tea.
01:40When I opened the fridge, my nipples just went, ding!
01:43I was like, yeah, I weirdly had a very similar experience this week.
01:47Forgot to put a bra on, went to make a cup of tea, and slammed my tits in the drawer.
01:55Very similar story.
01:57My nipples also went, ding-dong.
02:01Honestly, the stuff we go to as women with our boobs is crazy.
02:04I can't believe the technology's not really changed, you know.
02:07The fight we have with our underwire is insane.
02:11Insane.
02:12Like, you go throughout the day, and you never know when that thing's coming out.
02:16You're just at work, you're working, three o'clock, you turn to look at your work wife,
02:19and you're like, oh, I can't.
02:22And, you know, you go, oh, I think I may have had a stroke or something.
02:25I can't turn my, oh, no, it's the underwire.
02:28It's out.
02:29The underwire crept out.
02:30No one had said anything to you.
02:33And you know that thing didn't just go, it didn't just pop out.
02:36It slowly, incrementally, quarter millimetre by quarter millimetre was creeping out.
02:41You've been dealing with clients all day.
02:43You've been talking to your friends.
02:44Not one of them have gone, hey, babes, yeah, you're mechanical.
02:48Ted is unravelling.
02:50You know, that's how it changes.
02:51You go, how has your life changed as you've gotten older?
02:54I've got a lot more confidence.
02:55And I went from a double D to a 38 long.
03:09I'm looking for the owner of a 10 double D grey granny bra with underwire issues 2017 model.
03:16Come on.
03:19All right.
03:21Pop the hood.
03:23Yay.
03:24Yay.
03:24Oh, lady.
03:25I haven't seen one of these in years.
03:27Yeah, it's vintage.
03:28No, it's a shitbox is what it is.
03:30You should have come to see me ages ago.
03:31What the hell?
03:33I've got an antenna.
03:33You can catch talkback radio on this.
03:35Oh, I'm a racist bastard.
03:37But we could just take the underwire out and then it should be fine.
03:40If we take the underwire, that right tip is going to come right down.
03:43And by Wednesday, you just drop kicking it on the pavement.
03:46I don't want that.
03:46No one wants that.
03:47What we're going to do is I'm going to go ahead and put it back in for you, OK?
03:51Yeah.
03:52Oh, God.
03:53Just don't scream.
03:54OK.
03:55Yeah.
03:55Oh, God.
03:55She's in.
03:56That feels so much better.
03:57So much better.
03:58They do for your work.
03:59Oh, we're not done.
04:00We're not done?
04:01No, no.
04:02Look, the suspension on this thing is munted.
04:04Look at that.
04:04Look at that.
04:05Oh.
04:05Diff is going to be dragging on that thing.
04:07It's got no shocks left in it.
04:09OK.
04:09Do you get a lot of tick-poppages on that?
04:11Oh, sometimes if I stop suddenly.
04:12Yeah.
04:13It's because your brake's on, Roy.
04:14OK.
04:14I'll tell you what.
04:15She's a big job.
04:16The rims are all bent up.
04:17Leave her with me for a couple of days.
04:19I'll give you one of these courtesy bras.
04:20Maybe that sporty one.
04:21No, I can't wear that.
04:23And I need this done now.
04:24I need it now.
04:27Hop up.
04:27Let me have a look underneath.
04:30Alrighty, Roy.
04:31Shall we?
04:32OK.
04:33Good news, bad news.
04:34You're getting new lace.
04:35Yeah, just do it.
04:36Just do it.
04:37Oh.
04:38Oh.
04:39You sure you know what you're doing down there?
04:41I'm going to need a hammer.
04:44Oh, wow.
04:45Got her.
04:46They should lift those girls up.
04:49Oh.
04:49Oh.
04:50Oh, no.
04:50I've hit the milk tank.
04:51Oh, sorry.
04:52I'm lactating.
04:53I just did.
04:54It's all right.
04:54It happens all the time.
04:55Don't worry about it.
04:57That was a messy job, eh?
04:59Like, I'm going to smell like custard for days.
05:01I mean, it's much better, so thank you.
05:03There you go.
05:06$1,455.
05:07That seems like a lot.
05:10Oh, hi, Mum.
05:10What's the damage?
05:12Um, well, new underwires, 15mm straps, D-cup re-padding.
05:18Well, going off this month's Spotlight catalogue, I'd say $17.70.
05:23Yeah, and labour, though.
05:25So, like, 10 minutes.
05:27$17.70, is it?
05:29Thanks, Mum.
05:31Mm-hm.
05:33Thanks.
05:34Don't hurry back.
05:35Next!
05:36It's been 28 days since the virus spread,
05:40what many are calling a carindemic.
05:42She spat in my son's face.
05:44I'm notifying the authorities!
05:47And look at him.
05:51You have no right to film me.
05:52That's it.
05:53If you film me, I'll film you.
05:55The Australian military has finally captured
05:57the first of the infected, Karen Zero.
06:00You're breathing my voice!
06:02Scientists hoping her DNA
06:03may provide a cure to this horrifying plague.
06:11Karen!
06:12Karen!
06:12Karen, can you hear us?
06:13Karen!
06:14Karen!
06:14Yes!
06:15I'm asleep, not dead.
06:17Use your inside voice.
06:19Can you understand what we're saying?
06:20Yes, I speak English.
06:21This is an English-speaking country the last time I checked.
06:23Although, before you know it, we'll all be speaking Afrikaans.
06:25Because why stop letting those people in?
06:27We only have until midnight to secure a DNA sample.
06:29It's the only way to create a cure.
06:32Okay, Karen, I'm going to get a strand of your head now, okay?
06:35Hey, hey, hey!
06:36The only people that only touch my blunt bulb
06:38is Fernando Moe Stoylis
06:39and me when I have to fix his cock-ups.
06:41You're not touching my blunt bulb!
06:43We're running out of time.
06:44I'm going to get a skin scraping.
06:45Good luck.
06:45I've had more sunbeds than you've had hot meals.
06:48Don't you know you're ruining the world?
06:50You're evil!
06:51And you're rude, Missy!
06:52I'm going to make you really famous
06:53on my Facebook community page.
06:55We need to get a blood sample.
06:57Excuse me, are you even a qualified phlebotomist?
06:59I'm going to need a man for this job, please.
07:01Are you not putting that on me?
07:02Ah!
07:02I didn't even get vaccinated!
07:04You don't know what's in that!
07:05I do all my own research!
07:07Get off me!
07:08There are 443,000 Karen's on this planet because of you.
07:12And that number is increasing minute by minute!
07:15It's okay.
07:15I'll talk to their supervisor.
07:17There is no supervisor.
07:18I'll talk to their manager then.
07:19There is no manager either!
07:20So who's in charge of these Karens then?
07:22You are the first Karen who started the virus!
07:25So what does that mean?
07:26I guess it means the supervisor is you.
07:32I want to talk to the supervisor.
07:34I am the supervisor.
07:35I have to speak to myself?
07:37But you can't talk to me like that.
07:39I pay my taxes.
07:40I know my rights.
07:41I've been a customer here for years.
07:43You can't park there.
07:44Don't film.
07:44I will film you!
07:46Why don't you go back to where you came from?
07:49Speak in jail!
07:57Is she dead?
07:58I think so.
08:00We may win this war yet!
08:07Oh, this place is filthy.
08:09How long are you going to let the blood lie here?
08:11Who's in charge of mopping these floors?
08:13This is a safe thing to show.
08:16You know, we are in here because we all have something in common.
08:19We all love comedy and very sexy lesbians.
08:22No, you know, that's what bring people together.
08:25The things we have in common.
08:26We think it's sport, but it's a lot more simple than that.
08:29We have very simple things.
08:30It's like if you drive a car, you own a car,
08:32you pick your nose in the car and you flick the snot in the passenger footwell.
08:36Don't you?
08:37Oh, me.
08:38I will go lock down that car park next to this building
08:41and I will get someone to take a blue light through all of your cars.
08:44That passenger footwell will light up like a smurf's anus.
08:48You know it.
08:49You know when you're driving.
08:52Well, you're not going to eat it, you animal.
08:54I mean, on a nice day when the windows open,
08:56you biff it out the window,
08:57but otherwise it goes in the passenger footwell.
08:59You also don't want to roll the car
09:01and then have to explain to people
09:02it's because you're picking your nose.
09:04We all, that's the stuff that bring us together,
09:06the little things that get on our nerves
09:07or the little things that we do,
09:08like we all drink box wine, you know.
09:10And I know, so if you're fancy and you go,
09:12well, I have never,
09:13well, if you've never had box wine,
09:15then you've never asked for the house wine at a restaurant.
09:18That's a fact.
09:19You think they get that stuff out of the good bottle?
09:21Dream on, my friend.
09:22They don't.
09:23That stuff comes straight out of a bag.
09:25How handy are those bags at the end?
09:26You can float on them down a river.
09:28You use them as a pillow.
09:29The kids are playing with them.
09:30You're basically a good parent if you had that.
09:39This is actually one of my personal favourites.
09:42What fresh hell is that?
09:44Oh, somebody knows their box wine.
09:46Oh, well.
09:47Now, this one you can actually drink immediately,
09:49but we do recommend that you cellar it
09:51for 10 to 12 minutes.
09:52Any longer,
09:53and it's going to burn a hole
09:54right through your stomach like that.
09:55That is acrid.
09:56It's stinging my eyes.
09:58Also, I'd like you to try a new one.
09:59It's going to take you on a bit of a journey.
10:01So, pay attention to the notes in it
10:03and tell me what you taste.
10:07Beautiful colour.
10:08Okay.
10:09All right.
10:12That tastes like my mouth stubbed its toe.
10:15I can already taste what it would be like
10:17to throw this up in the back of an Uber.
10:18Oh, yeah.
10:19It's quite acidic.
10:20Almost urine-like.
10:22Yeah, it's the piss.
10:23Real piss?
10:24Yeah.
10:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:25That is directly from our Felix filtration system.
10:29Go, buddy!
10:30It's a strong stream.
10:31Yeah, it rigs!
10:32It's got three kidneys.
10:33Oh, amazing.
10:34It's a gift.
10:35Wow.
10:35Yeah.
10:35It gives a depth of flavour to the wine
10:37that you're just not going to find
10:38in any other box wine.
10:40Ugh.
10:41I actually wouldn't mind trying
10:42some of these others if I could.
10:44Mucky Pond Scum Deodorant Analakage?
10:47No, anal leakage.
10:48It's English.
10:49Yeah, yeah.
10:49Anal leakage.
10:50Anal leakage.
10:51Okay.
10:52Yeah, how do I pronounce this last one?
10:53Spew.
10:54Spew.
10:55Spew.
10:55Spew.
10:56Yeah, spew.
10:57Yeah, yeah.
10:57I like to taste the spew.
10:58Of course, it's actually part
11:00of our tasting flight.
11:03Wow.
11:03Wow.
11:05Fancy.
11:05If it lands on you,
11:07you must drink every last drop.
11:10The last drop.
11:11You ready?
11:12Yes, okay.
11:13Let's do it.
11:14All right, good luck.
11:15Yeah.
11:16Woo-hoo.
11:17Oh.
11:19Yay.
11:23Here's to Sally.
11:25She's too blue.
11:26She's a piss-pott through and through.
11:28She's a bastard, so they say.
11:31She's trying to go down,
11:32but you ain't the other way.
11:33Down, down, down, down.
11:35Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.
11:40Yay!
11:42It's nutty.
11:43My ballsacky.
11:45I really wouldn't know.
11:49All right.
11:50Off you go, Jack.
11:51Go find someone to play with.
11:52Oh, cool.
11:52There's Oscar.
11:54Yeah, yeah.
11:55He's definitely there.
11:56But also, there's Axel.
11:58Go play with Axel.
12:00I think I'll go play with Oscar.
12:03You and I have to have a little chat, okay, buddy?
12:06Whoever you choose to be friends with,
12:08I have to be friends with their mums,
12:09and I cannot do that.
12:11Okay?
12:11So go play with Axel.
12:12What's wrong with Oscar?
12:14Oscar's class captain.
12:15So you know his mum runs half marathons.
12:17She's going to want to chat to me about intermittent fasting,
12:19and there's about 4,000 recipes for chia pudding.
12:22I cannot do another chia pudding, okay?
12:24I'll have a blowout.
12:25But look at Axel's mum.
12:26She's a baby.
12:27I like her.
12:27Do you see how she doesn't have orthopedic sneakers on?
12:30It's because she's cool.
12:31And cool parents have cool kids.
12:33So please, go play with Axel.
12:34But isn't Axel a bad kid?
12:36What do you mean?
12:38Look at him.
12:38He's eradicating ants.
12:40You hate ants.
12:40The insects and the movie.
12:42But Oscar looks like he's having fun too.
12:44Oscar's picking up other people's trash, okay?
12:46So you know his mum has a cute cup
12:48and some hot opinions about vegetarianism.
12:51I'm not getting involved in that.
12:55I thought you said bullying was wrong.
12:57What bullying?
12:59He's teaching younger kids to be resilient, baby.
13:01They need that.
13:03I don't know, mum.
13:04Oscar's really smart.
13:06As is Axel.
13:09Look at him.
13:10He's selling sherbet to kids.
13:13What a good kid.
13:14He's a little entrepreneur.
13:15I don't think that's sherbet, mum.
13:17Please.
13:18Think of me just for once, okay?
13:19And go and play with the evil kid.
13:21Okay, fine.
13:29Hi.
13:30Hello.
13:30Hi, yeah, good.
13:31Yep.
13:32Kids, eh?
13:33Just get up for the darndest things.
13:35Oh, I know.
13:35I would kill for a kid like Axel.
13:38Wait, you're not Axel's mum.
13:39Oh, I wish.
13:41Get this.
13:41I tried to get Oscar to sell pingas in the playground the other day
13:44and he said, no, I'd rather do origami.
13:46I'm so embarrassed.
13:47Wait, so who's Axel's mum?
13:49Oh, you do not want to know.
13:51Yoo-hoo!
13:53That's not her.
13:54Oh, my God.
13:55Hi, hi.
13:55Hi, hi.
13:56Oh, my God.
13:57Look, Axel's made a friend.
13:58Hit it.
13:59Hit it.
14:00Hit it.
14:00Harder.
14:01Looks like we're going to be besties.
14:03I am.
14:04Hmm.
14:05Have you heard of intermittent fasting?
14:07Honestly, I just broke my fast with this amazing turmeric chai chia pudding.
14:10Hey, that is too big for anything.
14:14That and that.
14:14Jack, let's go.
14:15Your kid is a bad influence on my child and she'd be in prison.
14:19So should you.
14:21You're going to have a blowout, by the way.
14:23Can you please give this to Axel?
14:25I tell him I'm good for the next one.
14:29Axel, darling, I said no dealing in the playground.
14:31You're not listening to mummy.
14:33Listen, can I just say, you know, we live in this world now where it is what it is.
14:37Like, we're burning it to the ground, but at least we're more aware of each other and
14:41we know that everyone is beautiful.
14:48That's not true, is it?
14:50Oh, you know, when people go, everyone's opinions count, everyone has valid, valid opinions and
14:55everyone is beautiful.
14:55I go, no, they're not.
14:57I have seen some dogs in my time.
15:00I know.
15:01And I know right now you're going, this is, I love you.
15:05I want you to quickly transport yourself out of your own Facebook community page and
15:11what you would say online to put you and your friend in a mall.
15:15Let's create a scenario, shall we?
15:18Let's, for instance, say we're all in the mall, okay?
15:21We're out of this theatre, we're in the mall.
15:23Me, with this body right now, in a black mini skirt, a leather one, okay?
15:29You're there with your best friend.
15:31You two see me walking.
15:35Yeah, that's what you're doing right now.
15:38You know, you fucking know.
15:44You don't think you've got a mean bone in your body, all right?
15:47Let's amp it up a little bit, shall we?
15:49We're in the mall, I'm in my black mini skirt, and we're all going up the escalator, okay?
15:55Now you're with me.
15:56I'm a few steps ahead of you.
15:58Then your friend, you want to tell your friend something so you look right up my clacker.
16:02Now you've got pink eye.
16:04Is it still beautiful?
16:06Is it still beautiful?
16:09If you honestly believe that every person is beautiful, you've never been on public transport.
16:17You have not, because that is an assault on your eyeballs and, quite frankly, all of your senses, okay?
16:22I'm not saying we're not all beautiful.
16:25Like, you may find something sexy, right?
16:27What's sexy to you is not necessarily sexy to me.
16:30All I'm saying is, like, not all beautiful things are sexy or not all sexy things are beautiful.
16:34We're not here to yuck your yum, whatever you're into.
16:37That's called having a kink, okay?
16:40If you think everyone's beautiful, congratulations.
16:42You've got a kink, maybe.
16:44Maybe you think all accents are beautiful, right?
16:47Maybe, like, you know, the South African accent is very sexy.
16:50It is a very attractive accent.
16:52It just makes your panties drop right off you.
16:56Feeling lonely?
16:58Looking for that special someone?
17:00At Exotic Passions, we have beautiful women from all around the globe to satiate your every desire.
17:07Ciao, bello.
17:08For $8.99 a minute, I'll let you have a slice of my homemade pizza pie.
17:13Delicioso.
17:14So, who do you want to talk to?
17:16Oh, hello.
17:17I'm Penelope.
17:19I'm your buxom British babe from across the pond.
17:22And for $5.99 a minute, you could be my Big Ben.
17:27And for the more budget-conscious gentlemen, we also have this very, very cheap South African lady.
17:34Yo, no, I'm currently naked right now.
17:36Yo, full bush out, nipples on high beam.
17:39I'm absolutely stinging for a fuck.
17:41Are you horny?
17:43No, I said, are you horny?
17:45Yeah, like a rhino.
17:47Yo.
17:48Me too.
17:49I'm Tiffany.
17:50Hey, call me now for $7.99 a minute.
17:53I'm looking for a stallion ride all night long.
17:58And for an extra dollar, you can have both of us in a freeway.
18:02And we'll be bopping your willy around like two cheetahs on a half-dead springbok out in the desert.
18:08Pick up the phone and call 1-900-passions to talk to beautiful women from all around the world.
18:14Or this bitch.
18:16Oh man, I'm riding you so hard right now.
18:19And you're charging at me like a hippo.
18:21And it is wet season in a savannah.
18:23Now you're hard like a cricket wicked man.
18:25You're long and skinny.
18:26With a bit of grass coming through the sides.
18:29Don't you finish.
18:30Oh, shame man.
18:31Okay, bye.
18:32Bye.
18:32Don't wait.
18:34Call 1-900-passions right now.
18:36And all your fantasies will come true.
18:39But don't call me for the next 45 minutes.
18:41I'm on lunch.
18:42This biltong is real hard to chew free.
18:44So, who do you want to talk to?
18:48Hey, do you know the world's sexiest accents?
18:51They rank them every year.
18:52Did you know that?
18:53Do you want to guess the sexiest accent in the world right now?
18:57Kiwi.
18:58That's right.
18:59Kiwi accent.
19:00Doesn't that just fucking blow up your ass?
19:02A Kiwi accent is number one.
19:04Do you want to guess what's number two?
19:07South African.
19:08That's right.
19:09Australia comes in at number five.
19:12So, I've got a hybrid of all three of those.
19:15Honestly, I'm amazed.
19:16While I'm talking, if you just listen,
19:18you can hear the knickers just drop around the room.
19:22She's a full-time job.
19:23Just go and pull that up.
19:24Put that back in.
19:26All right, thank you so much for coming.
19:28You guys have been amazing.
19:30Cheers to us moving in together.
19:32What a huge step in our relationship.
19:34Go us.
19:35Oh, cheers.
19:38We should go camping this weekend.
19:41Camping?
19:42I'd rather headbutt a nail.
19:43You expect me to shit in a bucket.
19:45Camping isn't for me.
19:46It's for straight men who secretly want to broke back mountain each other.
19:50I just, I can't sleep uncomfortably.
19:52Sorry.
19:52I have an air mattress.
19:54Don't say it.
19:55Just don't say it.
19:57Please don't say it.
19:58Don't say it.
19:59And you know,
20:00the air mattress is actually more comfortable than your bed.
20:04You have to move out.
20:05Give me that.
20:06Take your shit and go.
20:09Should have fucked your sister when I had the opportunity.
20:16Oh, hello.
20:18Oh, it's good to see you.
20:22Stop it.
20:24If you want.
20:25Hi, make some noise.
20:26Who's got kids?
20:28Listen, now you know.
20:29You know when you're packing the kids,
20:31those kids will make friends and you know how it works.
20:33When those kids make friends,
20:35you the parents must then be friends with those kids' parents.
20:38That's how it works.
20:39You don't choose your own friends.
20:40Your kids now do it for you.
20:42That's how mum groups start.
20:43It's called the seventh circle of hell.
20:45Okay?
20:46And especially if your kids are like my kids,
20:48my kids have terrible taste in friends.
20:50They never pick the kids who has a hot tub or a pool at home.
20:53No, they become friends with the kids whose mum shows up at school
20:57in the little bike shorts with a pyjama shirt that still says Big Spoon on it,
21:03with no bra, smoking at the school gate where it says,
21:06do not smoke.
21:08And then she's like, do you want a dart?
21:11No, I'm all right.
21:12And then when the kids start coming out,
21:14she's like, stay safe!
21:15Get in the fucking car!
21:18Honestly, the worst thing, like if you're sitting here,
21:20maybe you go, should we have kids?
21:22I want you to think about that.
21:23The friends that they'll make and all the other mums at school.
21:27Because at the minute, you look at your partner,
21:28you go, we will have the cutest little babies.
21:30But you're not thinking about all those other mums
21:32that you have to talk to at school.
21:34And that'll take all of your patience.
21:36And that's why mums always yell at their kids,
21:38because they're saving the patience for the other mums.
21:41There's this one mum at my kids' school.
21:42She's this little bird-like creature.
21:44And she always wears a t-shirt.
21:46And on it, it says, protect your kids from the gay agenda.
21:49I know.
21:50And I'm so confused with this shit.
21:52Like, I don't even understand what is the gay agenda
21:55that you're scared we're spreading.
21:56Like, we're not the ones going door to door.
22:01You will never, in your life,
22:03hear a knock on your door and open the door
22:05and there's a whole clitoris of lesbians in front of your door.
22:11Have you heard the great news?
22:13You can eat pussy for six hours a night.
22:16We don't need to do that.
22:18Our work speaks for itself.
22:19It's called word of mouth.
22:26It's true today.
22:34Hello, Janine.
22:36Afternoon.
22:37See you tomorrow.
22:44Have a great day, darling.
22:46Love you.
22:46Bye-bye.
22:47Mummy loves you.
22:47Have a good day, buddy.
22:51Hello, Janine.
22:53Hello, Ursula.
22:55What a nice day we're having.
22:57We're too hot, actually.
23:03I'm going to go home.
23:04Enjoy the rest of this sunny day.
23:08Bye-bye.
23:09Bye-bye.
23:10Bye-bye.
23:21Hello, Ursula.
23:26Hello, Janine.
23:35Plans for the weekend?
23:40Kids' soccer game.
23:42You?
23:45Lunch with the in-laws.
23:48You?
24:13I'm going to go home.
24:19Hi ladies, everything all right?
24:45That is so rude.
24:50At the end, I needed five stitches.
24:53You are crazy, Lucy.
24:55Me crazy? I don't think so.
24:57You should ask her what she does with the yogurt.
24:59Don't get me into this thing.
25:01All right, so when we have the yogurt,
25:02I peel the lid off and I always lick the yogurt
25:04because, you know, it's my yogurt.
25:06You're such a weirdo.
25:07Okay guys, if we're sharing our weird thing,
25:09I actually collect stuffed teddy bears.
25:12Okay, that's crazy. You're nuts.
25:14You're nuts. I speak to our cat like she's our daughter.
25:17All right, Cuckoo Magoo.
25:20I shit in the shower.
25:22What?
25:24What did you say?
25:26I sometimes eat cereal for dinner.
25:29Yeah.
25:30Yeah, and sometimes I have pasta for breakfast.
25:33That is wild.
25:34I occasionally talk to my food.
25:36I was like, get in me, get in me.
25:38She does do that. It's so cute.
25:40Yeah, I blew in the shower.
25:44Yeah, no, I definitely heard that one.
25:46Yeah, yeah, I heard that.
25:48Look, we're all saying the crazy stuff we do.
25:51I mean, Lucy, she sings songs about her house chores.
25:56I do do that. I do. Don't I?
25:58Yeah, and you know, I make up little dances in the lounge.
26:01That's it.
26:02And I glue in the shower and waffle stomp it down the drain.
26:05Is it waffle what now?
26:06Waffle stomp.
26:07If it's a hard one, I just stomp it through.
26:09Dude!
26:10That's not the same as our stuff.
26:12Ours are like weird and fun.
26:13Yeah, like I used to have a nipple ring.
26:15And I put strawberries up my bum.
26:17Oh my God.
26:18Why?
26:18Because it makes the shower smell good while I'm waffle stomping.
26:22That is disgusting.
26:23It's the same.
26:24It is not the same thing.
26:26Look, I'm a kook just like you guys.
26:28I'm a classic kook.
26:30Hey, I'm a kook.
26:31No, no, no.
26:32We are classic kooks.
26:34You're cooked, mate.
26:35How did you not get bullied for this in high school?
26:37I was homeschooled, so I...
26:38Okay, that actually checks out.
26:41It's a homeschooled thing.
26:42Did you know I was homeschooled as well?
26:43Really?
26:44So you...
26:45Waffle stomped?
26:45Yeah.
26:46No way.
26:47We wouldn't have done that.
26:47That is disgusting.
26:49We called it bubble and squeak.
26:52That's cute.
26:53That's cute.
26:53That's nice.
26:54How come it's cute when she says it?
26:56Shut up, you weirdo.
26:59Also, we are not playing hide and seek after this.
27:01I don't know what you're going to hide where.
27:03Give me that straw ball.
27:05You know when you go visit your parents, right?
27:07And your mum's just cooking and you're sitting with your dad
27:09and, you know, he's asking you to help with a computer
27:11and then you're like, yeah, all right.
27:13And then your mum pops her head out and she goes,
27:15hey, can you have a look at why the computer keeps...
27:18There's no history.
27:19Every time when I try to go back to my history
27:22and you just look at your dad and you go,
27:23you filthy bastard!
27:26But you're also proud that he knows how to wipe the history
27:29so you don't have to do it?
27:36Good morning.
27:38Welcome to Computer Literacy for Seniors.
27:40I see you all have your laptops and iPad and whatever that is.
27:45So, you're going to have a little crash course.
27:47Four weeks.
27:48And after that four weeks,
27:49you're going to be able to email your grandchildren,
27:51message your friends.
27:52Can I get a hell yeah?
27:54Okay.
27:55How about we just open our computers?
27:58Oh, question.
27:59Graham, what is it?
28:00How do you delete Google history?
28:02That's a great question.
28:03We're going to tackle that in week three when we do online literacy.
28:07But for today, we're going to focus on Microsoft Windows.
28:10Oh, yeah.
28:11I'd like to know how to delete Yahoo history.
28:16And once we've done that, how do we delete Firefox Mozilla?
28:20All of that is basically the same thing.
28:22It is cookie history the same as computer history.
28:25And what's this about incognito mode I keep hearing about?
28:29Okay.
28:31Just so I know,
28:32who's only here to find out how to delete the porn off their computers?
28:38Wow.
28:39So you guys only use your computers for porn?
28:41No.
28:43I'm also a sugar daddy.
28:44Oh, me too.
28:47I use only fans.
28:49Wow.
28:50Only grow sale.
28:51That is, that is a lot.
28:53I mean, I was going to teach you how to email your grandkids and message your wives.
28:57But because of you perverts, I now have to go through this trauma.
28:59I will show you one time and one time only how to delete your search history.
29:04This is screw.
29:05Okay.
29:05Open your searches.
29:07Click on that so we can see what you've.
29:09Whoa.
29:10Okay.
29:10Yeah.
29:11I mean, that's, that's bad.
29:13Big boobs, bigger boobs.
29:15More boobs, please.
29:16That sounds nice.
29:18Well, please, he uses his manners.
29:20Uh, savaged maiden.
29:22The biggest bottom ever.
29:23You crot.
29:25All right.
29:25Simmer down over there, Lenovo.
29:27I'm sure you've got way worse on your computer.
29:29Ah, your computer sucks.
29:31Hey, chill.
29:33You've got a TCL.
29:34That stands for the crappy lappy.
29:35Zip it.
29:36All right.
29:37Let me show you how to delete it.
29:38See, they're just under see all and then it says delete all.
29:41Delete it.
29:42There you go.
29:43It's gone.
29:44It's like it never happened.
29:44Let's cover actual computer stuff, shall we?
29:47Okay, so word processors work.
29:51Who's printing?
29:52Is that you?
29:56This is gross misuse of a printer.
29:59This is disgusting.
30:00You gotta wanna lemonade that before you use it.
30:04That is too much.
30:05I quit.
30:06I'm gonna go unless any of you have actual questions about computers.
30:10Yes.
30:11Who directed two girls and a cup?
30:14I'm gonna leave.
30:15I cannot cope.
30:16Is this a buck plug?
30:21Some of the stuff I've bought online I'm proud of.
30:23Like I bought one of those little car vacuums that can blow and suck like your sister.
30:27And that thing's amazing.
30:30Can definitely recommend.
30:31But then there's stuff, you know, three o'clock in the morning that when you buy it, they promise they
30:38won't put any details on your credit card statement and it'll show up in a blank box at your house.
30:44Like I just recently bought a flashlight.
30:50Some of you don't know what that is because you're a pure heart and I'm not gonna explain it to
30:55you because this is on ABC.
30:58You're gonna have to do the adult thing and go Google it.
31:01All I'm saying is I use it all the time, you know.
31:04Because, you know, after adult time, you have the toys and you need like a little holster, if you will.
31:11Or a little sheath.
31:13So that when you're done, where can you put it that it fits perfect?
31:16But a flashlight, you know.
31:18It fits so perfect.
31:20Even Jesus goes, that's what I meant for it to look like.
31:25When you pass away, it is your responsibility to get a friend that can go in and go clear out
31:31all your crap out of your house.
31:33You don't need your family to find that stuff.
31:36When your mum has to go in and go clean that stuff off, that's gonna shave a lot of her
31:40sadness off.
31:43When she has to find all of the filth that you have in your room.
31:46A big part of me, though, hope that I die before my sister.
31:50So that she, in her Christian heart, can find the stuff.
31:55And at least die one day with a smile on her face.
32:04I'm afraid she's gone.
32:13Team, it's go time.
32:14Client 114 just passed away.
32:15She's one of our longest, most premium clients.
32:17I personally signed her up.
32:18And she was a good woman.
32:19With a few quirks.
32:20T-minus 12 minutes until her family get home.
32:22We need to clear out all the embarrassing shit before her family finds it.
32:27It's too tight, boss.
32:28We'll never make it.
32:29Get this done for her.
32:30And for me.
32:31We're the reason people remember their loved ones as good people.
32:33We have to make it.
32:34Let's go!
32:38Go down!
32:40Go on, Brown!
32:50Dispose!
32:51Dispose!
32:51Dispose!
32:52Dispose!
32:52Dispose!
32:54The final package is secured.
32:55Let's move out.
32:56Nodier, I've just decrypted a fresh manifest with more items she didn't want anyone to know about.
33:01How many?
33:01There's a lot!
33:03She was a sick bitch.
33:07Yuck!
33:14Oh!
33:15Oh, that's disgusting!
33:16What is it?
33:17Poetry!
33:18Self-written!
33:20Burn it immediately!
33:21What a freak!
33:22They're nearly here!
33:23T-minus two minutes!
33:25Smooth!
33:40She's getting sicker and sicker by the minute.
33:42Time is running out!
33:43Let's go!
33:44Let's go!
33:46Have you cleared this room?
33:48I think so!
33:49Check behind that door!
33:51Other door, you dipshit!
33:57Gimp!
33:57How'd I miss that?
33:58All good, you're new!
34:00Get out of here, Gimp!
34:02Good, it makes me miss my day.
34:04They're here!
34:05They're here!
34:06Move out, team!
34:10I think we got it all, boss!
34:12What about the sex robot?
34:13The manifest says there's a sex robot!
34:15There is no sex robot.
34:16We've got everything.
34:18Accept!
34:19Oh, my God!
34:20She was at the Wuhan wet market in 2019.
34:23She started COVID.
34:25Go, team!
34:26Move, move, move!
34:35That was tight, but we pulled it off.
34:37Excellent work, team.
34:46I have to tell you this little nugget.
34:49The last time I went to the doctor for a smear, they gave me a thing and I was like,
34:53okay.
34:53And they go, you can go in cubicle three.
34:55I go, are you coming?
34:58No, I feel like I'm taunting the nurse.
35:00I'm like, do you want to come?
35:01And they go, no, it's a self test.
35:03You get a self test now.
35:04I'm like, listen, listen.
35:07I'm not ready for that.
35:09You have seen me at the self check out in the supermarket.
35:12It's such a stressful thing when they go, use the self check out.
35:15I'm like, do I have to?
35:17Because I'm not smart for that kind of shit.
35:19You go, and then it goes, wait for assistance.
35:21I'm like, why?
35:22What did I do?
35:24I'm so scared because you know that teenager and they're always so angry.
35:28They come over and they go, you're not doing it right.
35:30And I go, listen, I'm sorry.
35:32I wasn't here when we got training.
35:36No wonder I'm so tired.
35:37I worked this fucking job too.
35:41So I don't think I should be trusted with a self check for a smear.
35:45You know, now I'm just in there.
35:46I'm not sure what to do.
35:48And they go.
35:53Honestly, when they gave me that test, I said, doctor, have you ever seen me in the supermarket?
35:57I don't do self serve.
36:00And it's not our fault.
36:02Women are better direction.
36:03It's not our fault.
36:04Do you know what?
36:05They've done studies.
36:06And when I say they, I mean me, that a woman will spend on average about 12 years of her
36:11adult life in a bathroom looking at a panty liner going, which way is the front?
36:17Honestly, you'd think they can sort it out.
36:19They can make dude's dicks harder than algebra, but they can't fix our panty liners.
36:28We did it, boys.
36:29Woo!
36:31And it's got everything a woman could want.
36:33Little gutter lines for extra absorbency.
36:35Oh, my bro's got to slow that flow for the hose.
36:37It's got extra strong glue.
36:38So it's going to stick to them sweet little panties all day long.
36:44And most importantly, look on the back.
36:45Sick animal trivia.
36:48Straight up facts, baby.
36:50Yeah.
36:52Which side's the front?
36:54The front?
36:55What?
36:56Which side is the front?
36:57I can't tell which side's the front.
36:59Which is the?
36:59Yeah.
37:01Did you see the facts on the back?
37:03Yeah.
37:04No one wants that.
37:04Come on.
37:05All right.
37:06Yeah.
37:06Okay.
37:07Yeah.
37:07There you go.
37:08S.
37:11Boom.
37:12Yeah, but F.
37:13For front or for fanny?
37:15Because depending on which country you're in, that could be front bump or back bump.
37:18Doesn't matter.
37:19Doesn't matter.
37:19It'll fit either way.
37:21Oh.
37:21Okay.
37:21No, you three seem to know your way around a pussy.
37:25Let me give it a hoon.
37:26Let me try it.
37:27No, no.
37:28Hey.
37:28Don't you turn your back on me.
37:30You look at it.
37:31Look at it!
37:33Oh.
37:35Oh, yeah.
37:38The glue's too strong, it just ripped the gusset right out of it.
37:40That's gotta be on you to a certain degree.
37:43Let's just...
37:44Oh, yeah.
37:45That's already ripped off about 50 pubes there.
37:50Oh, that is not comfortable.
37:52Oh.
37:53It's just got my labia.
37:54It's pulling at the labia.
37:55It's not supposed to do that.
37:58Oh, she's out.
37:59She's out.
38:00Terrible!
38:01Can you say something good?
38:02Like, we worked on this really hard.
38:04I wish I could, but I just have nothing, because you're dumb as shit.
38:06Dumb as shit?
38:08If we're so dumb, how could we be revolutionising the women's razor?
38:13Check this out.
38:13Less blades, pretty blunt, but a soft pink handle.
38:18Yeah, because women don't have hair, so we made the blades unsharp.
38:22I'm sharp.
38:23Mmm.
38:24Don't speak again.
38:25Okay.
38:26Well, what about lady pants?
38:30What about them?
38:31Well, they're exactly like men's pants, but they don't have pockets.
38:33Yeah.
38:34But we want pockets.
38:35Well, easily fixed.
38:36We'll just sew some patches on.
38:37Yeah.
38:37Make it look like it's got pockets.
38:39Yes!
38:40This is bullshit.
38:41Do morons actually believe that if you keep making the shit that doesn't work,
38:44but you package it all nicely in pink with soft little handles,
38:48that women will keep buying it even though it doesn't work?
38:51Now she gets it.
38:51Yeah, that's like it.
38:55Good point, and we do like the trivia.
38:58Damn it.
39:00You knew it, man.
39:01This is what loves trivia.
39:03That's gonna have to leave a mark.
39:04So what's next, fellas?
39:06Let's try and make childbirth quieter.
39:11This is why we brainstormed.
39:13Is it made to circle size a woman?
39:15Because I think it just did.
39:18Well, well, well.
39:19I think what we've learned tonight is female products aren't that great,
39:23but on the positive side, my ass looks amazing in overalls.
39:27I mean, Jesus Christ.
39:29Look at that.
39:30Why don't you ever hear that while I walk off stage with my brand new panty liner in?
39:41Hey!
39:43What the hell?
39:45I'm gonna punch your tits in.
39:48What?
39:49I'm gonna punch your tits in.
39:52Punch my tits in?
39:54That's not a good threat at all.
39:55What does that mean?
39:57Punch them in where?
39:58There's already a lot in.
39:59Like this whole bit is in.
40:01Maybe she means she'll punch them in even further?
40:04So they're poking through my back?
40:05Is that it?
40:08That threat makes no sense.
40:09Are you not listening?
40:10I'm gonna punch your tits in.
40:11I need a threat that makes sense.
40:12Like, I'm gonna smack you so hard you'll wear your snot like a scarf.
40:16That's good.
40:17Right?
40:17Snot like a scarf?
40:18You're picturing it!
40:19I'm sorry.
40:20I'm really sorry about that.
40:22Pick your shit up.
40:23I'm sorry.
40:23Thanks, mate.
40:24You have a good one.
40:25You know, I don't know a lot of stuff, but I know I don't like exercise,
40:28and then I've baked my last cupcake for school.
40:31Like, I would still recreationally bake a cupcake.
40:34But schools and fundraisers, by March this year,
40:37so the school starts in February.
40:38By March, we already had three bake sales at our school.
40:40I went to the principal.
40:41I said, sorry, what shit is this?
40:43What are we fundraising for?
40:45Why do we keep doing bake sales?
40:46And she goes, oh, we need a shade net for the playground.
40:49I said, and how much money are you hoping to make?
40:51She goes, $300.
40:52I go, I'll give the money right now.
40:54I said, I can go buy the shade net.
40:57I'll come back with a ladder.
40:58I've got to try.
40:59I'll just put it up.
41:00And she goes, no, we must work together.
41:04And it's not even the fundraising that I'm against.
41:07It's when you find out about those cupcakes.
41:10Now, I'll give my kids credit.
41:12Like, I normally, the night before, at about 11 o'clock,
41:15when I've been trying to put that little shithead in bed,
41:17so many times I put them there and they come,
41:19I'm thirsty.
41:20I'm hungry.
41:21I have made a lasagna at this stage.
41:23And this kid keeps getting out of bed,
41:25and by 11 o'clock comes out with a piece of paper
41:27that's all tatty and it's wet.
41:30It's always wet.
41:31Anything that comes out of their school bag is wet.
41:33This is the instructions for the cupcakes.
41:35Oh, you need 300 cupcakes by morning.
41:37This is fantastic.
41:38I don't even mind making the 300 cupcakes,
41:40but how do you transport 300 cupcakes?
41:42Because you can't stack them, can you?
41:44No.
41:44Now I'm looking for a Tupperware that's 12 metres wide,
41:468 metres wide,
41:48and a car to transport that kind of shithead.
41:51You flip that pamphlet over and on the back,
41:53there's roughly 20 things that you're not allowed to put in the cupcakes.
41:56That's right, because these little shits are allergic to everything now.
42:00There are kids who are allergic to chocolate.
42:02Give up.
42:04That's it.
42:04Give up.
42:05There's no hope for you.
42:06And it's not these kids' fault that they have all these allergies.
42:09It's our fault.
42:10Do you remember when you were a kid?
42:11Who had kids that went to school with them with allergies?
42:14Exactly.
42:15Do you know why?
42:16Because our parents knew how to fuck.
42:21They made decent human beings.
42:23It's our fault.
42:24We're making substandard people.
42:27None of these kids can eat nuts,
42:29because we've been eating so much crap when we were kids,
42:32your fingers were always orange.
42:33Do you remember the chips we used to eat,
42:34and then for three days you just have orange hands?
42:37And now we all have fertility issues,
42:39so now we all have to go through IVF.
42:41That's why these kids are allergic to nuts,
42:42because they've never been near a pair.
42:50Nut-free, gluten-free, sugar-free.
42:52Yuck.
42:53This isn't sweet at all.
42:54I think you'll find it is sweet.
42:55Mm-mm.
42:56Sweet potato, that is.
42:57Mm.
42:58Okay.
42:59Sorry, do you have anything with real sugar in it?
43:02No.
43:03Sugar is poison.
43:04No nuts, no gluten, no sugar.
43:06Hmm.
43:07No taste.
43:09Pfft.
43:10You want the real sugar treats?
43:11Come on.
43:12Cooks when cooking.
43:14There's no gluten for your children.
43:18Welcome to the tech shop.
43:21Oh, nice set up.
43:22Oh, nice set up.
43:27I've been blackmailing the janitor with photos of him and the home ec teacher,
43:30so I got keys to the kingdom.
43:32Oh.
43:32Thank you, my friend.
43:33Hey ladies, are we still running a full purity?
43:3695% sucrose, boss.
43:37Love to hear it.
43:38Love to hear it.
43:39That is good stuff.
43:40It's tight, mate.
43:41You know, in here, this is where we make the canteen food.
43:43Out there, they've got carrot sticks and quinoa slices.
43:46Up in here, you see we've got the sours here.
43:48We've got some marshmallows.
43:49Full sugar popcorn.
43:50The snakes.
43:51Jelly beans.
43:52Rainbow strips, because we're pro-homosexual.
43:54We have caramel vanilla.
43:56Every flavour you can think of, we've got it in there.
43:58This is incredible.
44:01Whoa!
44:01Hey, rookie, you want to go ahead and pace yourself here.
44:04This stuff is pure.
44:05That thing's going to hit you, and before you know it,
44:07you're going to be bouncing off the walls like you're at your year nine camp,
44:10getting finger banged for the first time.
44:12Hey, that happened in year eight.
44:13Hold on.
44:14What are these?
44:19Do you inject these?
44:20No.
44:23Play a little tune on them.
44:34I'm like the Pied Piper for sugar addicts.
44:36How'd you get those in?
44:37Actually, Lynn here brought 14 of these boxes over for us in her anal cavity.
44:41That tastes about gaming till you lick them a few times and they're all good.
44:44Oh, yeah, on the nose.
44:45Yeah, I can see a seed on that one, Lynn.
44:46She's a trooper.
44:47I do actually want to talk to you about something,
44:49because I can see a lot of myself in you.
44:51And I need someone to run the operation over at Boy Scout Hall.
44:54And I think that can be you.
44:55Oh.
44:56Tell me you can do it.
44:58Yeah.
44:59Yeah?
44:59You're keen?
45:00Yes!
45:00Yes!
45:01Yes!
45:04This is a raid.
45:05Nobody move.
45:06You sacked me out.
45:07I didn't.
45:08You did.
45:09You sacked me out.
45:10I did not.
45:11Ha, ha, ha, ha.
45:14Lynn, what have you done?
45:16Oh, my name's not Lynn.
45:19It's Glenn.
45:21How could I have been so blind?
45:2395% sucrose, huh?
45:25Mind if I did the tip?
45:27I wouldn't.
45:29Oh, is that chemicals?
45:31Yeah, it's real drugs.
45:32It was a mix-up at the port.
45:34Oh, that's disgusting.
45:35Oh, I've got to pick up Abigail from gymnastics.
45:37Get her out of here!
45:38Well, you're cooked, sweetie!
45:40You're on drugs now!
45:41I've got a hole broken my asshole!
45:45But you shouldn't worry about your nipples.
45:46She's got great nipples.
45:47Oh, really?
45:48Play your cards right and you'll see.
45:50I'm being rude.
45:52That was fun.
45:53Yeah, so good.
45:54Yeah.
45:54More fun to see.
45:55You're behind the boat.
45:56Can't believe I'm going out with two women.
45:58It's always been a fantasy.
45:59We've always wanted a man around here.
46:01Question.
46:02If you two are into women, what do you need me for?
46:05There is a certain thing that a man can do that no woman can.
46:09You ready to work for us, big boy?
46:10Ladies, I'll do anything you want me to do.
46:13Amazing.
46:13Oh, come on.
46:14Yeah.
46:16Open it.
46:17Yeah.
46:17Just...
46:19Open the jar.
46:19Open it.
46:20Oh, yes!
46:21Yeah.
46:22What about this one?
46:23Yes, that one.
46:24It was open, but now I can't get it open again.
46:27Ow!
46:27Jam.
46:28Is this S&M?
46:29It's pickles.
46:30Yeah!
46:31Pickled onion.
46:32I need a rest.
46:33Come on.
46:34You're doing a really good job.
46:35Oh, yeah!
46:36I told you.
46:36I knew that would get out.
46:38Orange marmalade.
46:39Open!
46:40Open!
46:41Feel my nipples if I'm without touching.
46:46I'm exhausted.
46:47You're okay.
46:48Oh, ladies, please.
46:49Do we have some little turn?
46:51I've had enough.
46:53I'm exhausted.
46:53I need a rest.
46:54This is the last one.
46:56Last one.
46:57Mm-hmm.
46:57Mm-hmm.
46:58Get it!
46:59Get it!
46:59Get it!
47:00Get it!
47:02Shoot that hot load!
47:04Get it!
47:07Get it!
47:09Yes!
47:10Oh!
47:11Incredible!
47:12Look at you!
47:13Oh, my God.
47:13Good job.
47:14Oh, look at this.
47:15Oh, my God.
47:15Was that good for you too?
47:16No, it was really good.
47:17It was something.
47:17I loved it.
47:18Can you pass the Pomodoro?
47:19Yeah.
47:19I'll make a rocket salad.
47:20Good.
47:21Yum.
47:21I can't believe how long that took him.
47:24Oh, look at the little guys all tuck it out.
47:27Oh, so cute.
47:28Oh, cute.
47:29No, no, no.
47:30Leave it.
47:31You can take it out when it wakes up.
47:35Look, we're all here.
47:37We believe in science, right?
47:38Even if you're one of those people who do your own research,
47:40you're a scientist.
47:41Whatever.
47:41Fine.
47:42I do believe, though, that science sort of favours men's medicine
47:46a little bit stronger.
47:47Wouldn't you say?
47:48Yeah.
47:49And they're not too scared to answer.
47:50I respect that.
47:52Make some noise.
47:52If you're a woman who has been to the doctor with mastitis.
47:56Yeah.
47:57Mastitis, if you don't know, is a condition when you're breastfeeding,
48:00your tits get so hard.
48:01Harder than dating in your 50s.
48:03They are hot.
48:04They are inflamed.
48:05It is so painful.
48:06You just walk around naked around the house like this.
48:09I don't know why your balls are sore too, but there you go.
48:12You remove all the curtains in the house just in case a breeze comes
48:15and touches that tit.
48:16It is so painful.
48:17And do you know what a doctor will tell you?
48:19A medical professional with a certificate on the wall.
48:22Well, look, you straighten the eye and go,
48:24here, just pop some cabbage leaves on that.
48:28Sorry, what?
48:30You don't have leeches in a fridge here?
48:32Somewhere you can tuck on a tattoo and suck it out?
48:34No.
48:34I firmly believe that if mastitis were to happen to men's balls,
48:39like if your balls got hot and inflamed and enlarged, right,
48:43a man would just walk out into the middle of town square
48:46and then we had some war cry, like
48:48and all the townsfolk will convene, we'll all stand around this man
48:55and the Pope would come and do some seance on your balls
48:58and bam your heels!
49:00Meanwhile, all the women are standing around smelling like a cabbage patch.
49:05yeah i see good afternoon mr and mrs heterosexuale how can i help you two cuties today
49:12i mean you go first no you actually haven't been feeling too good i have a cough and
49:18lightheadedness and also chills sounds like you've got that really bad flu that's going
49:23right i'm gonna prescribe some antibiotics for you okay and rest that's the most important part
49:30here no house chores for six months yeah don't you crack now i won't doctor thank you thank
49:37you you're a life safe um hi sorry um i actually have the same symptoms headaches chills and the
49:43works okay well shall we have a look at how we can cure you what here we go what is
49:53that
49:53this is the latest in women's health research oh you see here you can boil cabbage leaves
49:59and put those on your tatas and that'll make them feel great oh okay all right
50:05you can take used coffee grinds and just slowly shove it up your anal cavity okay maybe not that
50:12one how about this one you can shove a jade egg right up your how's that going to help
50:16oh oh i can see we're going to be fussy today you're a bit of a fuss pot maybe i
50:21should make
50:22you're a special brew a what i've heard about this is that a witch's hat it's a doctor's hat that's
50:32respect fresh pot for the fuss pot some rat tail feathers i plucked this myself that chicken never
50:40saw it coming oh eyeballs yes hold the eyeballs have you got anything else maybe your titties are
50:47sore you got sore titties maybe you got some anxiety i've actually been getting anxiety when i go on
50:52planes have you i have hey i want you to know that's completely normal it is yes i'm gonna give
50:58you the strongest valium that i can it's just so good to be seen drink no drink no i don't
51:06want to
51:07squinger and women's treatment just treat me like a normal patient okay well from what i can see
51:14carry a lot of extra weight yeah you want to lose some of that it's going to make you feel
51:19lighter
51:20also have you tried smiling it's an attitude thing could you try it
51:28don't you feel better i feel better
51:36all right husbands eyes front welcome to a lesbian's guide to being a husband
51:42you know how they say you give a man a fish and he eats for a day love fishing
51:47teach a man to lesbian and he'll be drowning in wife pussy for the rest of his days
51:57that's weird okay lesson one attention to detail husband number one i'm going to be your wife
52:04and your dreams and i'm wearing my straight lady cardigan oh i'm feeling it now i think i just broke
52:10a
52:10nail what is wrong with my outfit oh i know uh there's nothing wrong you look great honey wrong
52:20wrong the tag was sticking out the whole time boys cannot let your wife walk around the mall with
52:29four xl sticking out of a cardigan that is a divorceable offense lesson two argue like a girl
52:36husband number two i am your wife i'm coming to you with the situation you ready put the toilet seat
52:43down how many times do i need to tell you that toby i'm sick of your shit now how are
52:48you going to win
52:48that argument honey i just realized it's your period tomorrow and that is why you're upset
52:54i'm going to give you full marks for courage thank you and double marks for stupidity
52:59you play the period card your marriage is over lesson three how to make your woman scream
53:06but not in fear or disgust okay husband number three let's pretend i'm attracted to you
53:14try and seduce me
53:18hey you want to get busy
53:22now who wants to tell me what he did wrong apart from everything
53:27wrong oh i know he undone his shirt buttons he did when he should have undone his pants
53:33yeah let the dick out can i just say straight women are extremely brave honestly boys you want
53:41to fold your wife over i do you gotta fold the towel boom boom boom done you try it what
53:48is this
53:48wizardry fold it okay sorry sorry i'll can i help you i just hear to pick up my husband darren
53:52we're late
53:53wait wait wait why don't you show your wife what you learn
53:57you got it uh do it hey honey your tag is hanging out is it no no it's not darren
54:08oh you must be on
54:10your period behind the wall um check this out
54:18what am i supposed to do with that darren
54:21i'm afraid darren's a lost cause what i however am fully house trained and i've got a van out the
54:27front you want to get out of here yeah i do oh see you hi darren
54:35she's good
54:39do you know when i was young i just assumed that drugs rock and roll and wild sex would ruin
54:44my life
54:44but it wasn't that at all it's tiktok tiktok is busy ruining my life simple things that you think
54:51you know how to do like how to get the avocado separated from its skin it's easy you cut it
54:56open
54:56take a spoon slop it on a plate and you're done but no on tiktok they do it different they
55:02peel
55:02the outside off and then they cut it in half and they slice it and slices and they put it
55:06on a board
55:06like have you seen that that looks sexy it's like i'm gonna do that i didn't do that because i
55:16go
55:16and i get my avocado and i get home and i peel it and then there's all these black dots
55:20all over it
55:21and i was like oh no my avocado is diseased but it was not diseased was it no it's people
55:28in my
55:28community who would go and squeeze the shit out of that avocado all those black dots are people in
55:33my community's fingers it just drove me nuts like who would do that like why are you squeezing
55:39anything you're not a farmer this may come as no big surprise but i do have a therapist um
55:46i know it's like when i meet someone who goes i've never been to therapy i go red flag get
55:50a red flag
55:52but i think my therapist might be a red flag because she bought me for christmas a reflective vest
56:00she bought me this this reflective vest because she says oh you want to police what other people
56:05do with their lives so here while i'm away for seven weeks in europe why don't you wear your
56:09little reflective vest and go police what other people are doing i'm like listen first of fuck you
56:17secondly she's real cheap so i have to take some shit i have to go see her so frequently you
56:23got to
56:23get a budget friendly one you see secondly i don't want to police what other people do i don't i
56:29want
56:30you to just be able to do your shit do your part but you don't so now i do have
56:35to police what you do
56:45we've got one tomato section suspect is male quite tall extremely unattractive to me
56:56strike one
57:09strike two
57:11that's terrible
57:12stand by we're gonna take the sucker down
57:21not too summing it
57:24come on mate you're inside it
57:26it's my good
57:28hold your fire we need a clean put back before we can arrest them
57:33they've got him move move move
57:36what the hell what are you doing oh oh oh oh oh no ow ow ow i'm in a tent
57:41by the deli boys
57:41ow ow ow get your toes away from my face sir someone get these deli boys off me
57:46what are you doing
57:49oh you thought you could come in here in broad daylight and fondle fruit
57:53my name is Ursula special fruits unit we are charging you with fiddling in the third degree
57:58it's not illegal to inspect fresh produce
58:00inspect you fingered this one so much if it was a human being i wouldn't marry it
58:04i just want to find a ripe avocado
58:06well we all would love a ripe avocado but now someone has to go home with your soppy seconds
58:09you can't rest me you don't know what i can do
58:13what are you gonna do
58:19oh cow you monster
58:26oh gosh she's figuring the ice cream
58:27ah yeah i feel sick
58:30You watch, rabbit's face.
58:32You're going to watch this.
58:33You're going to be like this.
58:35Oh, God.
58:35You're going to be like that.
58:36You're going to be like that.
58:37Now you get to go home with my sloppy second.
58:40Wait, excuse me.
58:41Hang on.
58:41What is going on here?
58:42Oh, we found this jerk squishing produce.
58:44Well, if you contain the problem, don't thank me.
58:47You're welcome.
58:47I wasn't going to thank you.
58:49You don't work here.
58:50And I'm pretty upset by all this mess.
58:52Look at this mess.
58:53Dynamite, scuss her.
58:55What?
58:56Oh, don't say the other way.
58:58Come on, me.
58:59You could definitely get her.
59:00I'm going to have to reduce this now.
59:03All right.
59:04Well, that is the episode.
59:06Can I just say a word of warning?
59:08If you have a friend who recently had a baby,
59:10don't have cabbage salad at their house.
59:13Also, as you exit the building,
59:15there's some cupcakes for sale in the foyer.
59:17My kid's school has a fundraiser,
59:20so we need a new cover for the sandpit.
59:22So if you guys can donate, that'll be excellent.
59:25I made that myself.
59:26It is nut free.
59:27I didn't drop my nuts in the batter once.
59:29Thank you so much for coming.
59:31Thank you so much for coming.
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