- 9 hours ago
A Haunted House 2 (2014) [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
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00:17:22I gotta get some end swell if we keep going.
00:17:24Malcolm.
00:17:24Wait, no, baby!
00:17:28Right now, she's tearing me off.
00:17:31Oh, my God.
00:17:32Oh.
00:17:35You ain't drunk yet?
00:17:36Is that what you like?
00:17:36Huh?
00:17:37Huh?
00:17:37Stop being a bitch!
00:17:39Yeah!
00:17:40Huh!
00:17:40Oh!
00:17:41What?
00:17:43You like that?
00:17:44It's kind of like a blindfold?
00:17:45Except you can't fucking breathe!
00:17:47Huh?
00:17:48Are you crying?
00:17:49The thing just moved.
00:17:50Except you can't fucking breathe!
00:17:53Who's watching?
00:17:55You little...
00:17:56Who was watching?
00:17:58Oh, baby, come here.
00:17:59Check this out!
00:18:01Oh, my God!
00:18:02Did you see it?
00:18:03How can I not?
00:18:04I thought I was stripping!
00:18:06I am so fat!
00:18:07Look at me!
00:18:08I look like a huge blubber ass!
00:18:10I'm like Miss Piggy in there!
00:18:12What are you talking about?
00:18:13You said you were gonna shoot my good side.
00:18:15I did shoot your good side.
00:18:16Look at all that ass up in there.
00:18:17Look at all that ass, girl!
00:18:19You know I'm black brothers liking ass.
00:18:21You know I do mean nothing.
00:18:23It's a compliment, right?
00:18:25I see what's going on.
00:18:26You hate my vagina!
00:18:27You think it's too loose!
00:18:29It's not!
00:18:29It's only on the outside,
00:18:30but once you choose a wall,
00:18:31it's pretty damn tight.
00:18:32You know what, Malcolm?
00:18:33I have had two kids.
00:18:34I mean, did you think the stork
00:18:35just dropped him off on the doorstep?
00:18:37No!
00:18:38No!
00:18:38You're knocked out for nine months,
00:18:40and then your lady parts are stretched to limits
00:18:42you can not even fathom!
00:18:45Okay, baby.
00:18:46I think your vagina's cute.
00:18:47Erase the tape or we are never having sex again.
00:18:50Well, since you put it that way...
00:18:51Erase the tape!
00:18:52Okay, I'm erasing the tape!
00:18:53I want to see you do it.
00:18:54I'm erasing the tape!
00:18:56Erase it right now!
00:18:56I'm erasing it!
00:18:57Look, it's erasing!
00:18:58Do it!
00:18:58Baby, I like the way it sounds.
00:19:00Erase the tape!
00:19:00It's not loose!
00:19:01I like the way it sounds!
00:19:03Sound like a blown speaker!
00:19:04Just...
00:19:05You know it's kind of like
00:19:07Dougie Fresh's beatbox?
00:19:08What?
00:19:08When I'm hitting it, it's just...
00:19:17Hmm...
00:19:17Who the hell is hitting me?
00:19:19Abigail?
00:19:21You got a page?
00:19:23In a relationship?
00:19:24With Malcolm Johnson?
00:19:26I only hit it once!
00:19:2727,000 views?
00:19:29What the hell?
00:19:32I think I might have fucked the wrong bitch.
00:19:35Now she's blowing up my cell phone?
00:19:36Look at that!
00:19:38Straight up stalker!
00:19:41She's crazy!
00:19:43Listen, it's time to turn my camera game up a level.
00:19:46I'm talking bathrooms, countertops, computers, stuffed animals, mouths and asses.
00:19:52It's going down everywhere!
00:19:54I'mma live.
00:19:56Kitchen?
00:19:58Oh yeah.
00:19:59I see you.
00:20:01Uh-huh.
00:20:01Perfect.
00:20:02Yeah, and I got the ass too.
00:20:06All inconspicuous.
00:20:08Told you.
00:20:10Cameras everywhere.
00:20:12Hey Becky!
00:20:13Wanna play hide and clap?
00:20:14Fuck off!
00:20:16That's no thank you.
00:20:17Let's do this.
00:20:19Oh, lace blindfold.
00:20:20You got this out your momma's room, right?
00:20:21Oh boy.
00:20:23Things may your momma do it.
00:20:24Sometimes she can tie my hands and flip me over and toss that salad.
00:20:29Tony likes salad.
00:20:30Anyway, I'll put this on.
00:20:32Let's do it.
00:20:34One, two, three.
00:20:37First clap!
00:20:38Come on.
00:20:40Come on.
00:20:41Give me a clap.
00:20:42Okay.
00:20:44Yeah.
00:20:45We're getting close.
00:20:46I smell you.
00:20:47I smell you.
00:20:48You smell like kids.
00:20:48Like worms, coins, and doo-doo.
00:20:51Like I...
00:20:51Wow!
00:20:52Shit!
00:20:55Can we just play tag next time?
00:20:58I just wanna play tag.
00:20:59Wyatt.
00:21:01Wyatt.
00:21:02Wyatt.
00:21:03Where you at, you little shit?
00:21:11Third clap.
00:21:15Ha ha!
00:21:17Ha ha ha!
00:21:19I got you, Wyatt.
00:21:24I win.
00:21:25You take your blindfold off.
00:21:27You're right, Tony.
00:21:27Malcolm is an idiot.
00:21:29Take your camera, loser.
00:21:31Yeah?
00:21:32I wanna learn how to start a fire.
00:21:36What the...
00:21:37What the hell was...
00:21:39I could have swore.
00:21:46Shit!
00:21:47I fucked you!
00:21:49Oh!
00:21:50Oh!
00:21:51Oh!
00:21:51Oh!
00:21:52Fuck!
00:21:53You crazy!
00:21:54You know who the fuck I is?
00:21:55No, man!
00:21:57Baby?
00:21:58Oh, my God.
00:21:58You can't be jumping out on brothers like that.
00:22:00Oh, my God.
00:22:01You get knocked the fuck out every time.
00:22:02Oh, my God.
00:22:02This is your joke.
00:22:04You okay?
00:22:05Cause I fucked you up.
00:22:07Like, I hit you with the force, like...
00:22:08With the follow-through.
00:22:09Oh, I wanna ask that replay that shit.
00:22:11Damn!
00:22:12Look at this.
00:22:12You got froze.
00:22:13Oh!
00:22:14Damn!
00:22:23Please help me.
00:22:26God, I hope this works.
00:22:30What is that thing?
00:22:34That is not human.
00:22:49That was weird.
00:23:04I don't know.
00:23:24Ah-ha! I caught your ass!
00:23:27Ah! Bullshit!
00:23:40Becky, hit your box.
00:23:45What?
00:23:47I want you to touch me.
00:23:51Oh. Okay.
00:23:58Not that box.
00:24:08You know I love you and those kids, right?
00:24:10Yeah.
00:24:10And I'm gonna do everything in my powers to keep you guys protected.
00:24:13Yeah.
00:24:16What was that?
00:24:18What?
00:24:21That.
00:24:22The wind?
00:24:24Nigga, the windows are closed!
00:24:26Okay? I'm telling you, that was either a ghost or a demon.
00:24:29Or maybe it was a demon pregnant with a ghost.
00:24:33Oh, this is cute!
00:24:36I will still wear this.
00:24:37All day, every day.
00:24:41What if it's a burglar?
00:24:42Why the fuck are you excited?
00:24:43It's a burglar!
00:24:45Either way it goes, it's some scary shit!
00:24:47Okay, not all burglars are scary.
00:24:49It is a burglar or a ghost.
00:24:51You talk to him.
00:24:54Okay?
00:24:54And if the motherfucker's foot do this, you shoot him in the face again.
00:24:57That is way too harsh.
00:24:58What are you gonna do?
00:24:59I know I'm gonna do it.
00:25:00What are you gonna do?
00:25:02Shoot.
00:25:02You are not allowed to shoot anyone in the face, mister!
00:25:08Me.
00:25:16Becca!
00:25:20Oh, god!
00:25:21Becky!
00:25:22Becky!
00:25:24Becca!
00:25:25Becca!
00:25:26Oh my god!
00:25:26Get me something!
00:25:27Megan!
00:25:28Becca!
00:25:30Whoa!
00:25:31What the fuck?
00:25:37That shit's gross. That fucking sound doesn't bother me.
00:25:39Stop! Stop! Stop!
00:25:40Give me!
00:25:41Oh!
00:25:48That's all I got!
00:25:49Okay, give me!
00:25:50This!
00:25:51This!
00:25:52This!
00:25:53What?
00:25:54Kenny, get that thing out of here!
00:25:56What?
00:25:56I got an idea!
00:25:57Come on!
00:25:59Bitch, why ain't you moving?
00:26:01Fuck!
00:26:02See, now this is a good idea.
00:26:05All right.
00:26:06Good night, Becky.
00:26:09Good night, sweetheart.
00:26:16Hey, buddy. What you doing?
00:26:17Having a tea party.
00:26:19Oh.
00:26:19You want to go outside and do something a little bit more masculine?
00:26:22Like play some football?
00:26:24No, not really.
00:26:28Hey, don't sit there. That's Tony's seat.
00:26:30Oh, sorry.
00:26:32My bad, Tony.
00:26:34Tony says no problem.
00:26:36Biatch.
00:26:37Want some tea?
00:26:39Uh, yeah.
00:26:40Sure.
00:26:42Um, you know what?
00:26:45About your little buddy Tony,
00:26:47I don't think he's such a good influence on you.
00:26:50You know what I mean?
00:26:54What the?
00:26:56That's straight vodka!
00:26:57Tony calls it tea.
00:27:00He drinks a lot of tea.
00:27:02I really think you guys need to stop this friendship.
00:27:05Tony doesn't think that's such a good idea.
00:27:07You know what?
00:27:08You tell Tony that I said you and him ain't gonna be friends no more.
00:27:12And that's...
00:27:16My second thought, you and Tony have a beautiful friendship.
00:27:19Okay, I'll be downstairs.
00:27:21Doing some less fucking shit.
00:27:23This isn't good.
00:27:25It's happening again.
00:27:27It's really fucking happening.
00:27:31What the fuck?
00:27:33Who the hell?
00:27:35Who is it?
00:27:41Ah!
00:27:42Ah!
00:27:45Hello?
00:27:48It's a spooky knock.
00:27:52Oh, you better run.
00:27:54I'll knock on my knock.
00:27:55Come out there and slap that shit.
00:27:56Ah!
00:27:57What the fuck?
00:27:59I got a knife!
00:28:02I'm sick of you.
00:28:04Ah!
00:28:09What the heck?
00:28:13Miss me?
00:28:15Abigail.
00:28:20Oh, hell no.
00:28:22Look, we gotta talk.
00:28:23This is a mistake, okay?
00:28:25This shit gotta stop.
00:28:26It's going too far.
00:28:27You see this?
00:28:28Miss me?
00:28:29I was making, are you fucking crazy?
00:28:32I take full responsibility, all right?
00:28:34This is...
00:28:35This is my bad.
00:28:36I don't mean to sound cliche.
00:28:37It's not you, it's me.
00:28:39Don't play fucking innocent with me!
00:28:40You knew I had a girl!
00:28:42I'm just being selfish right now.
00:28:44I would love to have you and Megan.
00:28:46And to be honest with you, my stuffed animals,
00:28:48I'd like to bring them in the mix.
00:28:50I'm trying to make this work.
00:28:51You're just not making it easy.
00:28:54I swear to...
00:28:55Ah!
00:28:56Fuck!
00:28:59You see what you made me do?
00:29:01Only you don't do this to me!
00:29:02Fucking crazy!
00:29:03Oh, you lucky my mama told me don't hit bitches!
00:29:08Fucking hit a bitch!
00:29:15I didn't touch you!
00:29:19I didn't touch you!
00:29:19I didn't touch you!
00:29:19You get out of my life, I'll get out of yours!
00:29:21I'm done!
00:29:24Oh, God!
00:29:28Make no mistake.
00:29:30After this, it's over.
00:29:33You ready to go again?
00:29:35Yeah.
00:29:36Mm-hmm.
00:29:37Yeah.
00:29:42Hello?
00:29:43Malcolm?
00:29:44Hey, hey, hey!
00:29:45Professor Weil, how you doing?
00:29:46I'm fine.
00:29:46And I'm glad you reached out.
00:29:47What exactly am I dealing with here?
00:29:49Well, the being you described to me is a demon.
00:29:53Fuck!
00:29:53I knew it!
00:29:54A rare and obscure one from Babylonian times named Agul.
00:29:59And he is a trickster.
00:30:00Uh-huh.
00:30:01And chances are this is not your first encounter with this demon.
00:30:04Have you had paranormal experiences in your past?
00:30:06Uh, actually, yeah, about a year ago.
00:30:09This is way worse than I had thought.
00:30:14Oh, shit!
00:30:15Oh, fuck!
00:30:18Hey, I thought somebody was shooting.
00:30:20Thai food!
00:30:21It's spicy going in, but it's twice as spicy going out!
00:30:24That's scientifically impossible!
00:30:26I smell you in here!
00:30:28What in the hell?
00:30:29Huh?
00:30:29Excuse me.
00:30:34I hire based on skill level.
00:30:37Are those titties?
00:30:38Ladies, remember, we're making meth, not baby aspirin.
00:30:41All the stories revolve around Agul's attempts to trick people
00:30:46into bringing him into our world.
00:30:48And it can come through the form of a possession,
00:30:50a spirit that only a child can see,
00:30:52or an ancient object that lures in the impressionable.
00:30:56So what you're saying is something is coming after me and my family?
00:30:59Malcolm, that's exactly what I'm saying.
00:31:00Damn it, Jessica!
00:31:01You've got your titty in the suit of veteran!
00:31:03Sorry, Malcolm.
00:31:03I wish you good luck.
00:31:04Gotta get my breaking bad on.
00:31:18Tonight you drown.
00:31:23Oh my god.
00:31:28This was a sink!
00:31:30Sink!
00:31:31Sink!
00:31:32Sink!
00:31:33You ruined a perfectly good leather jacket!
00:31:36That's it.
00:31:37Now you drown down!
00:31:40Down!
00:31:41Down!
00:31:42Down!
00:31:42Down!
00:31:44Down!
00:31:45Down!
00:31:46Down!
00:31:49Down!
00:31:51Down!
00:31:52Down.
00:31:53Is a ghoul the same demon that possessed Keisha?
00:32:01When are the Republicans gonna slip and call Obama the N-word?
00:32:07When are they gonna stop making scary movies without the weigh-ins?
00:32:11They fuckin' suck!
00:32:20What the heck?
00:32:44Oh! Steroids, bitch!
00:32:57You messed with the wrong nigga today!
00:33:04Baby, what are you doing?
00:33:07Oh, it's a fucking creamy box with some weird fucking lightning on it.
00:33:12And I knew that it was death in the box!
00:33:15So I cast it!
00:33:16Baby, it was a gift!
00:33:18In Christmas?
00:33:19Baby, no.
00:33:21Quanto?
00:33:22You were so upset when Shiloh Jr. died
00:33:25that the kids in her thought we would get you...
00:33:32Oh, my God!
00:33:33Oh, my God, Wyatt, go upstairs!
00:33:35Go to your room!
00:33:36I'm not coming.
00:33:39Oh, God, I think it's so...
00:33:40You were so fucking crazy.
00:33:43He's still breathing!
00:33:44I got it!
00:33:45Take him out of history!
00:33:46I got it!
00:33:49No!
00:33:49No!
00:33:58Becky?
00:34:00Yoo-hoo!
00:34:02All right, let's see what's in this box now.
00:34:09Oh, God!
00:34:10Whoo!
00:34:11Wow!
00:34:12That is crazy!
00:34:13What the hell are you doing?
00:34:14Um, nothing.
00:34:15Just, uh...
00:34:15You know your pillows have little faces in them?
00:34:18Stay away from my box!
00:34:19Hey, calm down.
00:34:20Would you calm down?
00:34:20Would you...
00:34:21I don't want to come down.
00:34:22I want you to stay away from my box!
00:34:23It's just a box on that...
00:34:25What is going on in here?
00:34:27It's nothing.
00:34:27We just, uh, playing dolls and stuff.
00:34:30Malcolm came into my room and touched my box.
00:34:33Malcolm, is this true?
00:34:35Yes, but I only touched it for, like, two seconds.
00:34:37It was stinking.
00:34:39Like, it was rancid.
00:34:40Here, smell this.
00:34:41Whoo!
00:34:42I don't know how she's playing with that.
00:34:42There's two fingers in my tight little box.
00:34:45Mom!
00:34:45Stop lying.
00:34:47It is...
00:34:47Baby, there's nothing tight about her box.
00:34:50It's fucking huge.
00:34:51I could put my whole fist in it.
00:34:53Like, I almost was up to here for a second.
00:34:55It's crazy big.
00:34:56You said no means no.
00:34:58And that is exactly what I said.
00:34:59I said no.
00:35:00Oh, I did.
00:35:00Whoa!
00:35:01Time the fuck out.
00:35:03Hold on.
00:35:04You sh...
00:35:05She's trying to date live specially, nigga.
00:35:07Where's Chris Hansen?
00:35:08Chris?
00:35:08Chris?
00:35:09Chris, come on.
00:35:10I know you're out there somewhere.
00:35:11I know he's in there somewhere.
00:35:12You're trying to set a nigga up.
00:35:14Can I talk to you for a second?
00:35:15Uh, right now.
00:35:16There's something really strange going on in this house.
00:35:18Wyatt?
00:35:18Wyatt?
00:35:19See, Wyatt used to be my boy.
00:35:20Like, that was my little nigga.
00:35:22Like, we was like...
00:35:23When my dog died, that little nigga held me down.
00:35:26But lately, he hasn't even talked to me.
00:35:28Like, he won't even play with me.
00:35:29His little imaginary friend, Tony?
00:35:31I don't think he's really...
00:35:33You're crazy, Tony.
00:35:35Imagine that.
00:35:36Did you see that shit?
00:35:38Look!
00:35:39You missed it!
00:35:40Okay, look.
00:35:41Forget him.
00:35:42There's something in that old box she carries around that's making her look crazy.
00:35:46She sleeps with it.
00:35:47She eats with it.
00:35:48She even goes to the bathroom with it.
00:35:50Who takes her shit with a box in their hand?
00:35:52It's fucking weird.
00:35:53And by weird, you mean, I'm a terrible mother.
00:35:57No.
00:35:58Wait, where the fuck did you go?
00:35:59Hold on, hold on.
00:36:00You know what?
00:36:00You were just a little bit less judgmental.
00:36:03She wouldn't feel like she needs to carry her paint around in a box.
00:36:05This is not about me.
00:36:07It is always about you, Malcolm.
00:36:09You're too fat.
00:36:10You're a terrible parent.
00:36:11You like black guys because they have bigger cocks.
00:36:13Uh, that sounds like you.
00:36:15Do you see this?
00:36:16That's not fucking normal.
00:36:18Okay, she is just trying to get attention.
00:36:21When she was a baby, she would cry and cry and cry all damn day in her crib until finally
00:36:26she realized I wasn't gonna come and pick her up.
00:36:28If you were a parent, you'd know it's called the cry it out method, Malcolm.
00:36:32She just picked the little bitch up.
00:36:34What?
00:36:35She needs to burn herself too.
00:36:36See what I'm saying?
00:36:38That is called parenting.
00:36:40Wow.
00:36:41Mother of the year.
00:36:45That crazy dog came in my car.
00:36:48Woo!
00:36:49Bro, somebody fucked your car up.
00:36:51Yeah.
00:36:52You wouldn't know anybody with an auto body shop, would you?
00:36:53Are you serious, bro?
00:36:55What?
00:36:55Contra to popular belief, all Mexicans don't have body shops, man.
00:36:57Well, you think we all have lowriders with a bunch of primer all over it with a freaking Mexican horn?
00:37:01Think I have like six kids and all my relatives living there, huh?
00:37:04Probably chase chihuahuas and make burritos.
00:37:05Is that what you think?
00:37:06Dude, I didn't think...
00:37:07Look at that neighborhood, man!
00:37:08I didn't think any of that.
00:37:09I just went to my fucking car fix.
00:37:11I'm just fucking with you, bro.
00:37:13You're so easy, man.
00:37:15Oh, shut up.
00:37:15Man, I got a cousin.
00:37:16His name is Chucho.
00:37:17He can hook all that shit up, all right?
00:37:18Yeah, stop fucking with them crazy bitches, man.
00:37:20I gotta go.
00:37:20I got the family waiting, all right?
00:37:21Be good, man.
00:37:23Where did she go?
00:37:24Oh, my God.
00:37:25Take it easy, Malcolm!
00:37:27Where you going?
00:37:28Don't swap me.
00:37:29We're gonna get some chihuahuas.
00:37:30Wow.
00:37:31Now that's racist.
00:37:34So I moved into the house across the street, and I just love the streets.
00:37:38It's so quiet.
00:37:39It's perfect for a haunting.
00:37:42Okay?
00:37:43You know something?
00:37:44I never got your name.
00:37:46Keisha?
00:37:47What in the fuck?
00:37:49You two know each other?
00:37:51Oh.
00:37:52Well, yeah, you know, the boyfriend that I told you abandoned me and left me in a ditch
00:37:56to die?
00:37:58That's him.
00:38:01Awkward.
00:38:03Yeah.
00:38:04I think I'll let you two have at it.
00:38:07And thank you so much, Megan, for the coffee.
00:38:09Yeah.
00:38:10Really.
00:38:10And Malcolm, it was great seeing you.
00:38:15I'll see you around, Malcolm.
00:38:19Um...
00:38:19Really?
00:38:22How come you never told me about her?
00:38:24Um, well, it was just a time in my life I just wanted to forget.
00:38:27Okay, well, you need to start remembering.
00:38:29She was fucking beautiful!
00:38:30She was...
00:38:31She was aight.
00:38:32Aight?
00:38:33I mean, she got nice legs.
00:38:35Legs?
00:38:35A little ass, but...
00:38:37Ass?
00:38:38About all this?
00:38:40It's fuckable.
00:38:42Okay?
00:38:42But that's...
00:38:43Look, she was...
00:38:44The whole list...
00:38:44She's crazy!
00:38:45She was crazy, baby!
00:38:47Like, she was possessed!
00:38:48You mean she was possessive?
00:38:49No, the bitch was possessed!
00:38:51What?
00:38:51Yes!
00:38:53First of all, she was verbally abusive.
00:38:55Hey, baby, what's for dinner?
00:38:56Eat some of this pussy, you fucking fuck!
00:38:59Okay!
00:39:01I don't know.
00:39:02It was like she gave up.
00:39:03I mean, eventually I was able to drag her to couples therapy.
00:39:06Well, Dr. Roush, me and my girlfriend were kind of going through a little rough patch.
00:39:10I mean, she won't communicate with me.
00:39:12No matter what I do, she just sits there.
00:39:16Okay, and she'll growl a little bit.
00:39:19Yes, I can hear that.
00:39:20And the smallest things just set her off.
00:39:22Like crucifixes.
00:39:23Or questions.
00:39:25Is that right, Keisha?
00:39:25Nigga!
00:39:29You got a prescription for crazy bitch?
00:39:31Oh, Malcolm.
00:39:33I'm so sorry.
00:39:34It sounds horrible.
00:39:36No.
00:39:37It wasn't all bad.
00:39:39Wait, I'm a cop.
00:39:41No, no, no, no!
00:39:41Stop!
00:39:41You bitch!
00:39:44The ass!
00:39:45I think you just knocked out a tooth.
00:39:48Whose ass is this, huh?
00:39:50Whose ass is this?!
00:39:52Whose ass is this?!
00:39:52The Japanese!
00:39:56See, now you just made it weird.
00:39:58I mean, look at the fuck at me, goddammit!
00:40:03Oh my god, that was awesome!
00:40:07Oh, oh, baby, you're making my toes do this.
00:40:12You're making my toes do this.
00:40:13Really, Malcolm?
00:40:15Well, you know what they say about the crazy ones.
00:40:18What?
00:40:20Too soon?
00:40:27There's something going on with this box.
00:40:29I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
00:40:32What the heck is this little pervert doing?
00:40:36Oh, oh, dude, that's just weird.
00:40:42Oh, really?
00:40:45Oh, wow.
00:40:47What kind of sweet tooth fairy is it?
00:40:50Oh, this nigga need a daddy.
00:40:52Dear Diary, I lost my virginity to Joey today.
00:40:56Actually, that's not totally true.
00:40:58I mean, I've only had sex with 17 guys, but only in the butt so it doesn't count.
00:41:07I mean, I sucked a lot of dicks, Diary.
00:41:10I stopped counting after the blowjob party at Ashley's house.
00:41:13There must have been 30 or 40 guys there.
00:41:15She ain't got no bone in her neck.
00:41:17She got that plastic man.
00:41:18P.S.
00:41:19Diary, I'll never stop sucking dicks.
00:41:22Ever.
00:41:22Wow.
00:41:26Oh, would you look there, a mood ring.
00:41:28So what mood is that?
00:41:30It's called You're Not My Father.
00:41:31Oh, yeah, that's bitchy little white teenager.
00:41:33See, that'll get you slapped in most black neighborhoods.
00:41:40Are you okay?
00:41:43Becky?
00:41:44Hey.
00:41:46Ouch.
00:41:47Oh, fuck.
00:41:48Oh, fuck.
00:41:52That is some serious meat mouth you got going on there.
00:41:55It's easier going down than it is coming up.
00:41:59Yeah, it's weird.
00:42:01Breath smell like sirloin.
00:42:03I hope that whole cold ain't contagious.
00:42:09Malcolm!
00:42:09Professor, it's got a lot there.
00:42:11Um, did I catch you at a bad time?
00:42:15Indica, I was a Teva man.
00:42:17I got important shit to do.
00:42:18Hold on.
00:42:20I'm at a party.
00:42:21I need some of my medicine.
00:42:27Professor, how do I get rid of the demon?
00:42:31Oh, shit!
00:42:32Professor!
00:42:33Malcolm, that demon's trying to get you through your family,
00:42:35and he's not gonna stop.
00:42:37You've got the paranormal equivalent of the perfect storm,
00:42:40my friend.
00:42:41Oh, shit.
00:42:42The po-po.
00:42:42Professor, please!
00:42:43What's going on?
00:42:44I got 12 ounces of crystal meth jammed up my anus.
00:42:46I gotta get out of here.
00:42:47Freeze!
00:42:48Oh, fuck!
00:42:49Professor!
00:42:50Professor, please!
00:42:51Let's go!
00:42:52Now!
00:42:53I can't...
00:42:54Professor, how do I get rid of the demon?
00:42:57Oh, shit!
00:43:00You're under arrest!
00:43:02You on the screen, freeze!
00:43:08Hey, not you!
00:43:09Oh, no, not my favorite shirt.
00:43:12Bitch, what the?
00:43:16Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me?
00:43:19No, wait, no, no, no, not my clothes. No, no, no!
00:43:22Whew!
00:43:27Oh, shit!
00:43:28This crazy wooden bitch!
00:43:30She's burning my clothes!
00:43:31Oh, my God!
00:43:33Oh, it's fatal attraction.
00:43:35She's gonna boil a rabbit.
00:43:36She's gonna boil a rabbit.
00:43:40Can I need something to drink?
00:43:41Sure, man.
00:43:42It's cute?
00:43:43Really, bro?
00:43:43What, you gonna bring the Mexican into your house?
00:43:45Oh, he must want tequila.
00:43:46We should get him tequila.
00:43:47I'm glad he parked his burro,
00:43:49so now I can offer him some of his beverage.
00:43:51I bet you this shit has a worm in it, too, huh?
00:43:53Well, I should've walked in here
00:43:54with a sarap and a sombrero for you, too, huh?
00:43:56That's what you wanted, really, wasn't it?
00:43:57No!
00:43:57That's what you gave me all worked up, man.
00:43:59I could use a drink now.
00:44:01What kind of tequila is it?
00:44:03Is it silver?
00:44:03Because I can't drink that gold shit.
00:44:05That's for Cholos, man.
00:44:06Thank you, man.
00:44:07That's nice, man.
00:44:07We're becoming friends, right?
00:44:09Now we are.
00:44:11I could trust you with things, right?
00:44:13I could keep a secret, man.
00:44:14I'm good at that shit.
00:44:16The neighbors next door to me
00:44:17don't even know there's a black guy living here yet.
00:44:18So, what do you want to talk about?
00:44:20Um, okay.
00:44:22You know the people that lived in this house before me?
00:44:24Hmm?
00:44:25Was there anything strange going on?
00:44:27Like, were they acting weird or anything?
00:44:29You saw something a little...
00:44:33spooky or supernatural or...?
00:44:36I seen some shit.
00:44:37Come on, man.
00:44:37You don't believe in that, do you?
00:44:39Because, I mean, if you did, you know,
00:44:40you'd have been like,
00:44:40nigga, I'm out.
00:44:41I'm gonna do this.
00:44:42You mean to tell me
00:44:43you don't believe in the paranormal?
00:44:45Of course I believe in that shit!
00:44:46I'm half Mexican, bro!
00:44:48Like, I believe in all that shit.
00:44:49People don't believe it.
00:44:50Freak!
00:44:51La Llorona!
00:44:52El Cucuy!
00:44:53Chupacabra!
00:44:54Bigfoot!
00:44:55Obamacare!
00:44:56Interracial dating!
00:44:57Nuclear war!
00:44:58But you name it, I'm all for it.
00:45:00Me personally, I wouldn't stay one night in this house.
00:45:03Oh shit!
00:45:04Look, I'm gonna be honest with you, bro.
00:45:06When I first found out that there was a black guy
00:45:09moving in the neighborhood, I was like,
00:45:11there goes the property value,
00:45:13I'm gonna have to keep the kids inside,
00:45:15there's gonna be gangs,
00:45:16I'm gonna have to cover up graffiti,
00:45:17but you turned out to be okay.
00:45:19You're really cool and you're very accommodating.
00:45:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:45:22I think I can help you.
00:45:23Really.
00:45:25I need you to cut the chicken's neck.
00:45:28Oh hell!
00:45:29Fucking no!
00:45:29Hey, you wanna get rid of the demon or not?
00:45:31I know, but can't we just go down to the store
00:45:33and just like, buy a chicken?
00:45:34No, man!
00:45:35You need a blood sacrifice.
00:45:38Alright, come on.
00:45:39Let's do it.
00:45:40Hold up, let me get my, let me get,
00:45:41hold up, wait a minute,
00:45:42let me get my chicken together.
00:45:42What?
00:45:43You on shit in my baby cereal chicken?
00:45:46Oh!
00:45:46You wanna piss on my mama?
00:45:49Oh, in her face?
00:45:50Oh!
00:45:53Oh fuck!
00:45:54Oh fuck!
00:45:54Oh fuck!
00:45:55Oh fuck!
00:45:56Oh fuck!
00:45:56Oh fuck!
00:45:57Oh fuck!
00:45:57Where did you get this chicken?
00:45:58Your uncle's far?
00:45:59No, I can't find him rich.
00:46:01He's a dead motherfucker.
00:46:05Oh fuck!
00:46:08Oh fuck!
00:46:09Oh fuck!
00:46:12Oh fuck!
00:46:12What's up chicken?
00:46:13That's a scam!
00:46:14What?
00:46:14What?
00:46:14What?
00:46:15What's up?
00:46:15Oh fuck!
00:46:16Oh fuck!
00:46:17Oh fuck!
00:46:18Oh fuck!
00:46:19Oh fuck!
00:46:20Oh fuck!
00:46:20Oh fuck!
00:46:21Oh fuck!
00:46:25Oh fuck!
00:46:28Oh fuck!
00:46:29Oh fuck!
00:46:30Oh fuck!
00:46:30Oh fucking bitch!
00:46:30Oh fuck!
00:46:32Holy shit!
00:46:32What can I do to your fucking bitch?
00:46:34Yeah!
00:46:38What you doin' man?
00:46:40What you doin'?
00:46:41What you doin'?
00:46:42I can't!
00:46:43This boyu is loco!
00:46:52You got him, Malcolm, that's right, yeah, you fucked that chicken, uh, uh, uh, uh, Malcolm?
00:47:04I took over that great bucket in the sky, tell the colonel I said hi.
00:47:14Oh, shit! That was like an intense-ass game of Angry Birds, man. Fuck, bro, you did it!
00:47:20I think this house is clean. Maybe not clean, but the demon's gone for sure.
00:47:24What the hell are we gonna do with all this chicken, Malcolm?
00:47:26Oh, yeah, ask the black guy.
00:47:32Cheers.
00:47:33Come on, cheers.
00:47:38What in the fuck?
00:47:43You! This ends now! You hear me, you googly-eyed wooden bitch!
00:47:49Come on!
00:47:50You're making me hand in hand in your fucking ass!
00:48:00Get it!
00:48:02Die, you stink, bitch!
00:48:04B-I-T-
00:48:07Fucking bitch!
00:48:11You want some new pictures?
00:48:16All right, prepare to meet your maker.
00:48:20That's right, I'm sending you back to Taiwan.
00:48:24Oh, you smell like piss and shit!
00:48:26Come on, you make me sick!
00:48:29Fucking bitch!
00:48:32You know what Brown can do for me?
00:48:34Take this! You sign!
00:48:36The fuck out of here!
00:48:40Oh, see?
00:48:41I tried to do it the easy way.
00:48:43Now you're gonna make me violent.
00:48:45Come on, you...
00:48:47Fuck over here!
00:48:48Shut up!
00:48:52How you like that, bitch?
00:48:54I want you to watch.
00:48:55Let's see you right in now!
00:48:58Miss me?
00:48:59This is fun.
00:49:01Oh, we're about to have a barbecue!
00:49:02Get in there.
00:49:04Yeah, hey!
00:49:05Hey!
00:49:05How you doing?
00:49:06You gonna fucking burn today, baby!
00:49:12That's what fucking hell feels like!
00:49:20Oh, my God!
00:49:26Hey!
00:49:28Hey!
00:49:37Hey!
00:49:38Oh, my God!
00:49:47Hey!
00:49:50Hey!
00:49:58Hey!
00:50:00Hey!
00:50:01Hey!
00:50:02Hey!
00:50:04No, honey, Megan, it's not what it looks like.
00:50:08I'm not done with you, you fucking home rocker.
00:50:12Come on.
00:50:14See, nobody want to listen to the black guy until everybody dead.
00:50:17Oh, I see how you're looking at me.
00:50:18Let me tell you something.
00:50:19This house?
00:50:21This house is haunted.
00:50:22You know that little doll that you like so much?
00:50:24Abigail?
00:50:24Yeah, well, let me tell you something about Abigail.
00:50:26She's alive.
00:50:28That's right.
00:50:28She's alive.
00:50:30Not like alive alive, but alive as in, it's pretty.
00:50:33You know how I know?
00:50:34Because it made me have sex with it.
00:50:37Repeatedly.
00:50:38Upstairs, downstairs, in the kitchen, in the yard.
00:50:41While you were sleeping next to us.
00:50:43Right there, we were sitting twice.
00:50:44And that's why when you came upstairs and you called me,
00:50:47and I was killing the doll, because I was just like,
00:50:50you're fucking up my relationship.
00:50:51And that box, it's cursed.
00:50:55That box and that box.
00:50:57That's haunted with a demon.
00:50:58That box cursed with dudes.
00:50:59But that's a whole nother story.
00:51:00And your son, his little imaginary friend,
00:51:02that teaches him curse words and gets him crunk off vodka.
00:51:06Yeah.
00:51:06Yeah.
00:51:07I'm blowing your spot, little man.
00:51:08Well, he's not so imaginary.
00:51:10He's cray.
00:51:11No, no, no, no.
00:51:12You cray.
00:51:13You cray cray.
00:51:14You and there a whole lot of other ethnic words
00:51:16that's going out of style.
00:51:17You ain't fucking fresh.
00:51:18Or dope.
00:51:19So how about that?
00:51:20Cray cray?
00:51:20Mom, he's scaring me.
00:51:22Oh!
00:51:23You're not!
00:51:24Is that the nigga whose room exploded?
00:51:26Oh!
00:51:26I'm scaring you!
00:51:28Oh!
00:51:28OP, you something else.
00:51:30Okay, you know what?
00:51:31That's it.
00:51:31I've had enough of this whole haunted house craziness.
00:51:34It's bad enough that you think it's real,
00:51:37but now you're scaring the kids.
00:51:39I'm scaring the kids.
00:51:41Ain't that the pop calling the cattle a nigga?
00:51:44No, no, no, baby.
00:51:45Your kids are scaring me.
00:51:48Okay?
00:51:49Look at this one.
00:51:49See Marilyn Manson in the skin and Charlie Manson in the eyes.
00:51:53Her eyes look crazy, okay?
00:51:54That's a crazy woman carrying around a box like fucking Lionel from the Peanuts,
00:51:58and he's hanging out with dead niggas, and I'm crazy?
00:52:01Oh, so what am I supposed to do with all this?
00:52:03Maybe you weren't ready.
00:52:04Maybe we moved in too soon.
00:52:06Maybe you're not ready for a family.
00:52:08But we come as a package deal, okay?
00:52:10This ain't about you or them, okay?
00:52:13Oh, shit.
00:52:14No!
00:52:14Hey!
00:52:14Don't touch that shit!
00:52:16Don't touch it!
00:52:17Don't touch it!
00:52:18Don't touch it!
00:52:18It's a demon ring!
00:52:19Don't you answer that!
00:52:20You hear it?
00:52:21That's the devil calling right there.
00:52:22That is an evil ring.
00:52:24You hear that?
00:52:24It's an evil...
00:52:25Yeah, I said it.
00:52:26It's a demon ring.
00:52:27And you can instant-tweet that on your grandma vine.
00:52:30No!
00:52:32Stop ringing!
00:52:37Stop ringing!
00:52:39Stop!
00:52:39Stop ringing!
00:52:43Stop ringing!
00:52:44Oh!
00:52:45That's a demon call!
00:52:46Uh...
00:52:46Malcolm?
00:52:47Your pocket...
00:52:50Ha!
00:52:52Oh!
00:52:53We got to change my ringer.
00:52:55Why do we even have home phones anymore?
00:52:59I mean...
00:53:01Yeah!
00:53:02Lucy!
00:53:04What the hell?
00:53:05Hey, how you doing?
00:53:06I'm so good!
00:53:07I wanted to, hey, huh.
00:53:09We got a call about a domestic dispute. Are you Malcolm Johnson? Yeah, that's me, but he's no
00:53:39We got a line!
00:54:19I can't escape my wrath, for I am dead. Now, you burn fire.
00:54:32Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:54:40Oh!
00:54:45Ah!
00:54:46Ah!
00:54:49Ah!
00:54:54Ah!
00:54:56Ah!
00:55:05When is...
00:55:09Uncle?
00:55:18Malcolm?
00:55:21Damn, son. You look fucked up.
00:55:24Don't look at me.
00:55:26Hey, Mom! Your man's in here puking like a little bitch.
00:55:30See that shit, Tony?
00:55:36Sometimes the victim may be tormented by more than one demon.
00:55:40These cases lead to transference.
00:55:42Trans-who? What the fuck is that, Don?
00:55:44Father Williams, mind your tongue.
00:55:45You were a man of the cloth.
00:55:47Well, damn, man, it ain't like I'm raping motherfuckers no more.
00:55:50You know what I'm saying?
00:55:52Yeah, keep on with your little lesson, bro.
00:55:54Victims have also been known to break their own bones during the possession.
00:55:58True. That happened to me.
00:55:59I was first in prison. I was trying to get myself head, right?
00:56:03Because I ain't know nobody.
00:56:04And then, you know, if I would have knew somebody, I wouldn't have had to do it to myself.
00:56:07And it wasn't on no gay shit to first get that out your head.
00:56:09That's enough! I've had enough of your insolence!
00:56:11My what? My insolence?
00:56:14Dog, you gonna bring up my condition right now?
00:56:17You gonna bring up my diabetes, dog?
00:56:20Talking about my insolence.
00:56:21Cause I like cake?
00:56:23Yeah, I like cake, guys.
00:56:25I like cake. Birthday cake.
00:56:26All kinds of cake.
00:56:27I'm talking about cake, cake, cake, cake, cake.
00:56:30Man, you know what?
00:56:31I'm sick of your shit.
00:56:32Get out of here!
00:56:35Everybody break out!
00:56:36Get your boy with you!
00:56:37Yeah.
00:56:39I mean, really, man.
00:56:42Malcolm?
00:56:43Hey!
00:56:44Father, what happened?
00:56:45What did I tell you about calling me that?
00:56:47I'm sorry.
00:56:47Hey, dog!
00:56:48Calm down, man!
00:56:51I'm sorry you caught that, man.
00:56:52I'm so stressed out, man.
00:56:54I had to shank a motherfucker.
00:56:56You saw that, right?
00:56:57I ain't seen nothing.
00:56:58That's a good answer.
00:56:59That's a good answer.
00:57:01Cause I was gonna say, if you would have said yes...
00:57:03Oh, shit!
00:57:05I don't have it.
00:57:06I'm sorry.
00:57:06I don't have it.
00:57:07No, that's the only one I had.
00:57:08I usually had two shanks, but I don't keep that anymore.
00:57:10I stopped doing two shanks.
00:57:12Okay.
00:57:12Cause it just was a thing, and everybody was like,
00:57:14two shanks.
00:57:15Yeah.
00:57:15So, how you doing?
00:57:17I, um...
00:57:19I need your help.
00:57:21It's happening, Doug.
00:57:23Hell no!
00:57:24You know I'm not coming over there and fucking with you
00:57:27and your creepy little bitch again.
00:57:28I ain't even with that bitch no more.
00:57:29I'm begging you, man.
00:57:30I just need your help.
00:57:31I just don't know who else to go to.
00:57:33Let me just explain to you why I became a priest.
00:57:35The obvious one is for the little boys.
00:57:37Yes.
00:57:38What are you talking about?
00:57:40It's a joke, Malcolm.
00:57:42Oh, God.
00:57:43Nah, it was a joke.
00:57:44I did that, you know, for the other priests,
00:57:46and we laughed.
00:57:47That's all.
00:57:48But, uh...
00:57:48I don't know if I can help you with your demon situation,
00:57:51because I haven't been staying steady on my demon fighting skills,
00:57:56is what I'm trying to tell you.
00:57:57So...
00:57:57Malcolm.
00:57:59Day after day.
00:58:01When you know you can't win,
00:58:04you're just prolonging the inevitable.
00:58:07All you gotta do is let them in.
00:58:10Yeah.
00:58:11Are you talking about the devil?
00:58:12Worse.
00:58:13The Kardashians.
00:58:15Huh?
00:58:15Yeah.
00:58:16Did you see them?
00:58:17It's the crazy mama.
00:58:19It's Kim, Chloe, Kourtney, Kourtney, the two little ones.
00:58:21Yeah.
00:58:21They gonna be freaks.
00:58:22They got Lamar.
00:58:23They got Scott.
00:58:24Rob Fattener, motherfucker.
00:58:26Bruce.
00:58:26Oh, Bruce.
00:58:28What the fuck is wrong with Bruce in the face?
00:58:30He look like a monster.
00:58:31He literally scares me at night.
00:58:33And he only daytime.
00:58:35He don't look like the nigga that was on the weedy box.
00:58:37And Kanye!
00:58:38And Kanye!
00:58:39And you hear the house?
00:58:40I love it, and I hate it.
00:58:41It's a Kanye.
00:58:43They changed on me.
00:58:44Doug, you don't...
00:58:45Doug.
00:58:46You have to let go of me, Doug.
00:58:48You can't.
00:58:48They...
00:58:49Doug, you gotta let go of me.
00:58:51There's no place you can hide.
00:58:52What?
00:58:53He has a plan for you.
00:58:55Doug, get off of me.
00:58:55I don't get you.
00:58:56Doug, get your hands off of me, Bob!
00:58:58What the fuck is wrong with you?
00:59:04Ow!
00:59:05Oh, you're the one that got us out here in the hot heat.
00:59:09Making me bang all along the windows with my good church hat.
00:59:11I'd have to be at home watching that new Madea movie.
00:59:14What's the name of that Madea movie with the little girl from the French Prince?
00:59:17You know?
00:59:17You know the one?
00:59:18She's playing the head of NASA.
00:59:19With the aliens!
00:59:20The aliens!
00:59:20Madea movie goes to Mars!
00:59:21Boom!
00:59:21Madea movie goes to Mars!
00:59:23Hold up.
00:59:25Ain't you that brother that just moved into Old Burton Place?
00:59:30Yeah, and it's...
00:59:30With a white woman!
00:59:32Well, she's not all the way white.
00:59:33She's a white woman down near clear!
00:59:36Come on, now.
00:59:37It's 2013.
00:59:39Interracial relationships is not a big deal.
00:59:41What?
00:59:42You need to tell that to the lonely sisters.
00:59:44Hey, look at this one right here.
00:59:45Right here.
00:59:46How to show them how you drop it like it's hot.
00:59:48Woo!
00:59:48Hold up, Bertha.
00:59:49Hold up.
00:59:50Hold up.
00:59:50We ain't got no defibrillator.
00:59:52Oh.
00:59:52You know what it is with the white girl.
00:59:53They do that with the conga lingus.
00:59:55The finga linga linga.
00:59:56What is it?
00:59:57The fellatio?
00:59:59That's what it is.
01:00:00They go deep.
01:00:00You know they ain't got no insides.
01:00:02I think that's my cue to go.
01:00:04Excuse me, sister.
01:00:05Have a good sermon.
01:00:06Where are you going?
01:00:07Love is love!
01:00:08Love is love!
01:00:09You're so bitter!
01:00:10You're angry!
01:00:11Brothers be trippin'.
01:00:12Yeah, it does.
01:00:13That's why I got me a white man at home.
01:00:14Hi.
01:00:15Yeah, girl.
01:00:15Vanilla, my flavor.
01:00:20Hello, Malcolm.
01:00:21Oh, Professor Wilde.
01:00:22Thank God.
01:00:22I've been trying to reach you.
01:00:24I'm sorry, Malcolm.
01:00:25I've been a bit tied up.
01:00:26I haven't been able to find any more on Agul,
01:00:29though my resources are a bit limited.
01:00:31Uh, Professor?
01:00:32Where the hell are you?
01:00:34Oh, doing a stretch of five to ten.
01:00:36Apparently the authorities frown on selling meth to college students.
01:00:41Yeah, apparently.
01:00:42You need to hang up that computer call.
01:00:44Come over here and kiss me on my hot mouth.
01:00:47I'm feeling romantical.
01:00:51Well, Malcolm, I suppose I should get going,
01:00:53but I will be emailing you.
01:00:54The contacts of associates will be able to help.
01:00:56I don't mean to be pushy,
01:00:57but any way you can do that before you get raped?
01:00:59What part of Mandingo Party do you not understand?
01:01:03It's time to pile on the white wrap.
01:01:06You know, dirty the snow.
01:01:09Oh, I'm screwed.
01:01:13Lights, please.
01:01:17So after several exhausting days of the exorcism,
01:01:21I threw some holy water on her, read an incantation,
01:01:24and the, uh, demon left the woman's body.
01:01:28I suppose I just sat back and watched.
01:01:31I mean, I'm just the medium who puts her life in danger
01:01:34every time she reaches out to demonic forces,
01:01:37but you've got a Bible and a bottle of holy water,
01:01:40so you make the world a safer place.
01:01:42Is that God is real, the devil is real,
01:01:45and monsters exist.
01:01:47Well...
01:01:48They're vicious, terrifying entities.
01:01:51But the good news is Santa Claus doesn't exist,
01:01:53so you don't have to freak out some creepy mold out
01:01:55to another chimney, right?
01:01:57Okay.
01:01:57Got your nose!
01:01:58So what exactly are you guys?
01:01:59And who the fuck hired you?
01:02:01You can call us Ned and Noreen.
01:02:03See?
01:02:04This is why you don't hire from Craigslist.
01:02:06Asshole.
01:02:10I don't understand why you always have to take the credit.
01:02:13I mean, even your name comes first on our book cover,
01:02:16and I am the one with the gift!
01:02:17It's not my fault that Ned comes before Noreen
01:02:19in alphabetical order.
01:02:20Is that why Ned comes before Noreen in the bedroom?
01:02:23Oh, my...
01:02:23Just once, I'd like you to do that thing
01:02:24with your thumb and your forefinger.
01:02:26I think they call it the shocker.
01:02:27Yeah, well, I would like you to do that thing
01:02:30with my bubbles and the shocker.
01:02:31Hi!
01:02:32Hi.
01:02:32Can we help you?
01:02:34Yes, um...
01:02:35There's something horrible happening in my house?
01:02:36My family doesn't realize what's going on, but I do.
01:02:39No, I'm sure that there's a rational explanation.
01:02:41Please!
01:02:42They're white!
01:02:43Oh, my God!
01:02:44Why didn't you say that?
01:02:45Yeah, you should lead with that.
01:02:46Oh, I mean, if you're black, we just assume
01:02:48that your hauntings are bill collectors
01:02:51or racist police officers, but 99% of all hauntings
01:02:55happen to white people.
01:02:56That's a fact.
01:02:57What he needs to say is,
01:02:58of course we'll help.
01:03:00Thank you so much.
01:03:01So we're here to help you people,
01:03:03and before you get worked up,
01:03:04I mean you people as a couple.
01:03:05It wasn't racist until you explained it.
01:03:07Yeah.
01:03:08The bad news is,
01:03:10you have a demon in your house.
01:03:11There we go, yeah.
01:03:12Okay, wait.
01:03:13So the house really is haunted?
01:03:16Megan, it's not the house that's haunted.
01:03:19I knew it!
01:03:20I knew it!
01:03:21I knew it!
01:03:21It's always the little white girl.
01:03:22Think about it.
01:03:23The exorcism?
01:03:24The last exorcism?
01:03:25The exorcism of Emily Rose?
01:03:26All white girls.
01:03:27Because there ain't no black parents
01:03:28gonna have a little white girl talking like that.
01:03:29Bitch, who are you cursing that?
01:03:31And turn the fucking air down in here.
01:03:33Malcolm, Malcolm, just listen for a second.
01:03:35Yes.
01:03:35When we first met you,
01:03:37there was something attached to you.
01:03:39Oh, that was a hemorrhoid.
01:03:40It's good now.
01:03:42This dark entity has attached itself to him,
01:03:45and now it's feeding off of all of you.
01:03:47So what you're saying
01:03:48is that this is all Malcolm's fault?
01:03:50That's right.
01:03:50Your family could have left here at any time,
01:03:52but now you're stuck.
01:03:54Like a piece of toilet paper
01:03:56stuck on your shoe when you leave the bathroom.
01:03:58Your wife knew the whole time,
01:03:59but she didn't tell you
01:04:00because she wanted you to walk around
01:04:02and look like an idiot.
01:04:03Oh, get over it.
01:04:05I'm not the one who had an affair
01:04:06with some low rent palm reader from Akron.
01:04:09And you never would have known
01:04:09if you weren't a psychic.
01:04:10But I am psychic, Ned.
01:04:13Oh!
01:04:14Ow!
01:04:14Shit!
01:04:15What was that for?
01:04:16You should be thinking about doing to Megan
01:04:17in two seconds.
01:04:18One, two...
01:04:19Thinking about doing to Megan?
01:04:20See?
01:04:23Uh, guys, we came on short notice.
01:04:26We may need an extra pair of hands.
01:04:28Anyone you trust to help?
01:04:29I know a guy.
01:04:30He's Mexican.
01:04:33Megan, let's go to your contacts.
01:04:39Hey, nice camera.
01:04:40Sure.
01:04:40Right?
01:04:40I'll take it your third cousin owns electronic shops.
01:04:43Eh, something like that.
01:04:44He sells them out of the back of his truck.
01:04:45It's a mobile operation.
01:04:46Let me know if you want me.
01:04:48Hey, Ned.
01:04:49Something weird.
01:04:50All these clocks stop at 3.27 when the hauntings happen.
01:04:53Normally it's 3.07.
01:04:55No, we're on CP time.
01:04:58The demon will manifest itself in many ways.
01:05:01To your son, it's his imaginary friend.
01:05:03To your daughter, it's the voice inside the box.
01:05:05For Malcolm, it's that sexy little doll Abigail.
01:05:07See?
01:05:08It's a manifestation.
01:05:09You think I bang a doll for no reason?
01:05:11Malcolm, shut up.
01:05:12What we're about to do is the first step in banishing the demon to the netherworld.
01:05:17Oh, what is that?
01:05:18This helps me communicate with the demon.
01:05:21Organic, hydroponically grown OG Kush.
01:05:24Very strong.
01:05:27This is a good ship.
01:05:30Oh, a pass to mass.
01:05:33Shit.
01:05:33We grow it ourselves.
01:05:35High water bill.
01:05:37That's that shit right there.
01:05:39Let me get another hit.
01:05:40I'm going to the further.
01:05:42Tony.
01:05:43Tony, where are you?
01:05:48It smells like that OG Kush.
01:05:58Oh!
01:06:00Oh!
01:06:02Megan!
01:06:05Oh!
01:06:06Oh!
01:06:07Oh!
01:06:08Oh!
01:06:09Oh!
01:06:09Oh!
01:06:09Oh!
01:06:10Oh!
01:06:17This is some scary cuckooey shit right here, man.
01:06:20I don't know what cuckooey is.
01:06:21Cuckooey is a ghetto Mexican boogeyman.
01:06:23Oh, like George Lopez.
01:06:25I know, huh?
01:06:26I agree. It is scary as fuck.
01:06:29The spirit is more powerful than I thought.
01:06:31We're going to need to get a priest to perform a real exorcism.
01:06:34I know a guy.
01:06:36He's a little unconventional.
01:06:39I don't know.
01:06:41I know that bitch don't look right.
01:06:43Why you got to call that bitch?
01:06:45You're disrespecting the little hoe.
01:06:46Nigga, did you just sell me out?
01:06:48There's certain words that trigger white folks.
01:06:50I mean, bitch, hoe, slut.
01:06:53No offense.
01:06:53Can't say those words.
01:06:54That's like our...
01:06:59We would never say that.
01:07:01Oh, we wouldn't hide closed doors.
01:07:03I mean, I wouldn't say it at a bus or a Waffle House at the Atlanta airport.
01:07:07They're in the parking lot of a KFC, but yeah, I would say it.
01:07:10I got your back.
01:07:12This is a lovely scarf you're wearing.
01:07:14This is sad.
01:07:15You know what I'm saying?
01:07:16Yeah, I'm selling these.
01:07:17This is part of my new clothing line.
01:07:18Jesus pieces.
01:07:19And I got, like, the shoes that the Pope be wearing.
01:07:21I love her.
01:07:23Sway.
01:07:23Green, brown.
01:07:24And the Pope, I can't kiss them shit.
01:07:27You know that it's love.
01:07:28Okay, you know what?
01:07:29That's enough.
01:07:30Thank you so much.
01:07:31That's right.
01:07:31Can we help my daughter, please?
01:07:34Yeah.
01:07:35She was a really white girl over here.
01:07:36Oh, my God.
01:07:37I was like, whoa.
01:07:38Speaking of white.
01:07:39Hey, man, are you doing cocaine again?
01:07:42No, man, it's that Molly.
01:07:43Oh!
01:07:45Oh, man.
01:07:50Take a little pitch for me.
01:07:51He's just bringing it.
01:07:52You got her name?
01:07:53Ron and Molly.
01:07:54Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:07:55I told you it was on the beach.
01:07:58All right.
01:08:03Y'all thought I was going to shoot this bitch?
01:08:07I'm just going to pistol whip her until she weakened.
01:08:09You're not pistol whipping my daughter.
01:08:11I am not pistol whipping my daughter.
01:08:13He knows what I'm doing.
01:08:14The man is a genius.
01:08:18In the name of the Father and the Holy Ghost of God,
01:08:22I need three other white people.
01:08:24Hey, man.
01:08:24Hey, man.
01:08:25Hey, man.
01:08:25This is the one.
01:08:27Paula Deen.
01:08:31I can't find this black ass in this dark.
01:08:33Where the hell is he?
01:08:34Look at his eyes.
01:08:35Like a forest creature in a cartoon.
01:08:37Father Doug.
01:08:39He's over here.
01:08:40He's over here.
01:08:41Doug.
01:08:41No.
01:08:42Paula, please.
01:08:43No.
01:08:44Don't.
01:08:44Stop it.
01:08:45Please don't.
01:08:45No.
01:08:46Wait.
01:08:46It's better if he points the gun at himself and not at us.
01:08:48Just talk to him now.
01:08:49Listen to my voice.
01:08:50OK, Doug.
01:08:51Listen.
01:08:51Listen to my voice.
01:08:52Listen.
01:08:52This is not what niggas do.
01:08:54We don't do suicide.
01:08:55Murder.
01:08:56Yes.
01:08:57Suicide.
01:08:57That's what they do.
01:08:59Yeah, we do that.
01:09:00I've tried at least 20 times.
01:09:03Motherfuckers got me acting all crazy, acting a fool.
01:09:06Don't damn well, I would pee on my own cap.
01:09:08God.
01:09:09I can't stop it.
01:09:11I can't stop a man.
01:09:12There's something in my head that tells me to blow off my head.
01:09:15Is it this head?
01:09:16Is it this head?
01:09:17No, no, no.
01:09:18No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
01:09:20no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
01:09:21no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:09:26A demon is a son of a bitch, man.
01:09:28Father, why have you abandoned me?
01:09:31Is it because I curse a lot?
01:09:33Even doing prayer?
01:09:35Amen, motherfuckers.
01:09:36I don't.
01:09:36Is it because I don't, I don't, I don't get Ryan Seacrest.
01:09:41I don't get him.
01:09:42I don't know what it is because I dressed up as a foreclosure sign where people was getting kicked out
01:09:47of their house on Halloween not just stood in their yard.
01:09:50I know what's wrong, but it was funny to me.
01:09:52Out of all of the people on the Brady Bunch, it was Alice that I wanted to put.
01:09:57It was station wagon on top of Mr. Brady architect desk.
01:10:01Just used different protractors and rulers.
01:10:03It's because I actually kind of thought that it was okay that Chris Brown hit Rihanna.
01:10:09I know that bitch hit him first, man.
01:10:10She talked too much shit.
01:10:11She's an island girl.
01:10:13What you doing, Chris?
01:10:14Why you going to do this bitch number, Chris?
01:10:16Pat, shut the fuck up, bitch.
01:10:17Nobody help me.
01:10:18Doug, fight it, Doug.
01:10:20Oh, no.
01:10:21Nigga, that's a big ass gun.
01:10:22That's going to hurt, nigga.
01:10:24Malcolm, he has a message for you.
01:10:28He says,
01:10:30I'll be.
01:10:37We're going to need another priest.
01:10:38It's too late.
01:10:39I have to perform the exorcism.
01:10:41It's true.
01:10:42Although Ned's only formal training was at Ghostbusters summer camp back in 1988.
01:10:46Never cross the streamers.
01:10:47And he is dumb.
01:10:49I mean, dumb, dumb, dumb.
01:10:51The point is, you can do this.
01:10:54Do you remember what you said to me on our wedding night?
01:10:56Yes.
01:10:56I have a whiskey dick and I'll make it up to you in the morning.
01:10:58No!
01:10:58You said God brought us together for a reason.
01:11:02That doesn't sound like me.
01:11:03Must have been really drunk.
01:11:04Just fucking do it, dummy!
01:11:07Okay.
01:11:07Okay.
01:11:11Take the DMV.
01:11:13It's just a doctor!
01:11:14I don't need a doctor!
01:11:16I don't need a doctor!
01:11:17No!
01:11:17I don't need a doctor!
01:11:19I don't need a doctor!
01:11:19I don't need a doctor!
01:11:20Did it work?
01:11:21You can help me.
01:11:22I'm sorry for everything.
01:11:24What?
01:11:24I think you did it.
01:11:25I don't know.
01:11:27Jesus!
01:11:28I don't know.
01:11:29Full inversion.
01:11:31We have full inversion.
01:11:37We have full inversion.
01:11:42Don't judge me like that.
01:11:44It actually wasn't.
01:11:46Better him than me.
01:11:48That was a perk.
01:11:49Shit.
01:11:55Now that's what you call a blowjob.
01:11:57A leaf blower?
01:11:58Don't judge me.
01:11:59Malcolm!
01:11:59Damon, you leave our daughter alone!
01:12:04That's not your daughter anymore.
01:12:06Yeah, I didn't look like a daughter, daughter.
01:12:08I was just saying that.
01:12:09Seriously? Malcolm, help her!
01:12:12Okay, goddammit.
01:12:13Go get him, buddy.
01:12:15What? Are you okay?
01:12:17Yeah, but Becky, she looks pretty fucked up.
01:12:22Damon, I'll make you a deal.
01:12:24How about you leave, and we'll pretend women's at the house.
01:12:27The bitch is mine!
01:12:28Well, you heard it, man. The bitch is his. I tried.
01:12:31Seriously?
01:12:31She said bitch is his. That's pretty emphatic.
01:12:33Malcolm, please help me. I'm so sorry.
01:12:38Becky will run.
01:12:42Okay, which one is it?
01:12:43Go rot in hell, or you want me to help you?
01:12:45Malcolm, help her!
01:12:46The bitch is confusing me!
01:12:47Okay.
01:12:47Damon, you leave her alone!
01:12:50You take me instead!
01:12:52Get it out!
01:12:53Wait, no, no, no.
01:12:54Here, here. Take care.
01:12:55Take care instead!
01:13:01I haven't heard a demon scream for a while.
01:13:02I think it's safe to go back up there.
01:13:04I still have a bad feeling.
01:13:05For God's sake, come on, guys.
01:13:07Come on!
01:13:08All right.
01:13:11Oh, my God!
01:13:12Quiet!
01:13:13Get upstairs right now!
01:13:15They're cuddling.
01:13:16The demon's gone.
01:13:17I did it!
01:13:18This house is clean.
01:13:20Dude, look at his eyes.
01:13:21They're rolling into the back of his head.
01:13:23I think he's possessed.
01:13:24That's the face that he makes when he has an orgasm.
01:13:27I think he's okay, you guys.
01:13:28This is not over, everyone.
01:13:30Are you guys watching this?
01:13:31Yes, we're watching it, dummy.
01:13:33I'm so intrigued by this.
01:13:36Oh, man!
01:13:37He's all twisted up like a chocolate pretzel.
01:13:40This is flexibility and a dexterity.
01:13:43Oh, my God.
01:13:44This is making me queasy.
01:13:45It's like he can suck his own dick.
01:13:47No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
01:13:49If I could do that, I don't think I'd ever talk to you again.
01:13:52Stop it.
01:13:53You are holy demons.
01:13:55Oh, ow!
01:13:55That is greasy shit.
01:13:57Probably Murray's.
01:14:02You're burning like bone piss.
01:14:04That means it's working.
01:14:05Here, fucking, it's one whole thing.
01:14:06Like, I just won the Super Bowl.
01:14:07Like, go!
01:14:08Oh, my God.
01:14:13It's not all you will cry, bitch.
01:14:17Oh!
01:14:18Oh!
01:14:20Oh!
01:14:27Oh, my God!
01:14:29Oh!
01:14:30Oh, my God!
01:14:31Hey, guys, stop!
01:14:33Everybody stop!
01:14:34Macklin, are you okay?
01:14:36No, I think I'll be sick.
01:14:38What?
01:14:39Oh, God.
01:14:40Oh, God.
01:14:42Oh, my God!
01:14:43Oh, my God!
01:14:43Oh, my God!
01:14:48You're puking like a runway model.
01:14:49I'm good.
01:14:50I'm good.
01:14:52You're going to want to febreze all of this.
01:14:54You're going to want to just clean this.
01:14:56I'm just getting nailed up.
01:14:57I feel so much better now.
01:14:59Woo!
01:15:00Ow!
01:15:04Can't be too sure.
01:15:05Holy shit.
01:15:07I got to get the hell out of here.
01:15:08Once they see a black guy in a pool of blood,
01:15:10you know who they're going to come after next.
01:15:12I got to go.
01:15:13Hey, watch them!
01:15:15Now this place is clean.
01:15:17It sounded better when I said it.
01:15:18Get the box.
01:15:20Thank you guys so much.
01:15:21No need to thank us.
01:15:22We're happy to help.
01:15:23Come on, Ned.
01:15:24And we'll just take Abigail with us as well for safekeeping.
01:15:27Yeah, I know what you plan on doing with that dog.
01:15:29What?
01:15:30No, sir, I'm a professional.
01:15:31She's afraid.
01:15:32Stop it.
01:15:33Trust me.
01:15:33Hey, how come my wife ain't picking up on the fives?
01:15:35Oh, like, you know how when you're trying to last longer,
01:15:38you think about baseball?
01:15:39It's kind of like that.
01:15:40Throws a haze in their head.
01:15:41It's the only way to survive when you're married to a psychic.
01:15:44Come on, Ned.
01:15:45Ned, I know you're thinking about fucking that doll.
01:15:48Hey, hey, hey.
01:15:54We've had enough.
01:15:55Bye, doll.
01:16:01This is so nice being able to just relax on the couch
01:16:05and watch The Bachelorette.
01:16:06Yeah.
01:16:09Huh?
01:16:11No, you didn't hear that?
01:16:13What?
01:16:14My nigga's sense is just tingling.
01:16:17It's like my spidey sense is...
01:16:19Oh, would you hush?
01:16:20It is fine.
01:16:22My white senses say we're fine.
01:16:25Everything's okay.
01:16:26It's over.
01:16:27Okay?
01:16:28It's over.
01:16:29Okay, okay.
01:16:30I'm tripping.
01:16:34You're a dead white bitch!
01:16:44You already know how it's going down, motherfuckers.
01:16:46All right?
01:16:47I looked on my Doherty Explorer app.
01:16:49It's the motherfucking correct address.
01:16:50This ain't a drive-by, homie.
01:16:52Okay?
01:16:52This is a walk-in, homie.
01:16:54So there ain't no escape plan.
01:16:55My cousin is in here, cuz.
01:16:56Y'all ready?
01:16:59Hey, yo, Malcolm!
01:17:01What's up, my nigga?
01:17:02I'm here, cuz!
01:17:03Oh, shit!
01:17:05What the fuck are you doing, dude?
01:17:07I got me on me for, homie!
01:17:08That's that bullshit!
01:17:10Oh, my God, guys!
01:17:11I'm scared as fuck!
01:17:17I'm good, though.
01:17:18Let me get my motherfucking bearings together, homie.
01:17:22All right.
01:17:23Let's go up in here, guys.
01:17:25Miss me on my dead ass.
01:17:27Bologna and sweat socks up in there, homie.
01:17:29It smell like honey boo-boo's boo-boo, homie.
01:17:31Malcolm!
01:17:33Where you at, cuz?
01:17:39Anybody in here, cuz?
01:17:41Oh, shit!
01:17:42Megan got fucked up!
01:17:44Head twisted all backwards, nigga?
01:17:46Now, upon further examination, my nigga, this white bitch smell like she's been dead about
01:17:52a week, maybe two.
01:17:53I watch Dexter, nigga, CSI New York, Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta.
01:17:57Don't nobody get killed on there, but they need to, my nigga.
01:17:59Stevie J, you know what I'm saying?
01:18:00This bitch smell like poverty, cuz!
01:18:03What the fuck happened down here, cuz?
01:18:04Taekwondo!
01:18:05Oh, shit!
01:18:07They done killed the little mini white bitch, too, cuz!
01:18:10What the fuck happened down here, cuz?
01:18:15Hello?
01:18:18Hello?
01:18:19Oh, shit!
01:18:21It's another dead body, cuz.
01:18:22Who the fuck is it, though?
01:18:24Huh?
01:18:25Who the fuck is it, this nigga?
01:18:27Oh, God, it's Malcolm!
01:18:29They gonna kill my cuz, cuz!
01:18:32It's like boys in the hood.
01:18:33He's supposed to go to college.
01:18:34Why the fuck they let Doughboy live?
01:18:36That Ricky dance!
01:18:38Doughboy was the evil nigga, cuz!
01:18:41I can't believe this!
01:18:43See if this nigga got some money, though.
01:18:49Oh!
01:18:52But you hit me, fuck, bro!
01:18:54You know better than to be popping up on me like that, cuz!
01:18:56You get knocked out every motherfucking time, huh, me?
01:18:59World star!
01:19:00World star!
01:19:02Oh, you little brick!
01:19:04Who is my family?
01:19:04Are they okay?
01:19:05Nigga, they dead as fuck, all of them!
01:19:07Even the little boys?
01:19:08Is on the back of a motherfucking milk carton, nigga!
01:19:11He made a list.
01:19:13Excuse me.
01:19:15Nigga, I don't know where the fuck Keisha's at, cuz!
01:19:17Shh!
01:19:17You shh!
01:19:18She did this shit.
01:19:20Keisha did this shit.
01:19:21The white girl's neck snapped it back.
01:19:22Keisha did that shit?
01:19:23Nigga, that bitch is gangster, cuz!
01:19:25I need to jump her in my stick, cuz!
01:19:27Shh!
01:19:27I came down to the basement on some creepy shit like,
01:19:29don't go, don't, and I was sitting here waiting for this bitch.
01:19:31Like, nigga, what?
01:19:32Bitch, you want some of this?
01:19:33So I'm gonna sit here incognito up under this blanket,
01:19:36like, nigga, like, what?
01:19:37I let my sneakers be home, so she be like,
01:19:39oh, that nigga dead.
01:19:40The throat, like, bitch, you want some of this?
01:19:43Fuck!
01:19:44You can't kill me!
01:19:45I'm like a roach!
01:19:46I don't die, I multiply!
01:19:47I got God on my side, bitch!
01:19:55She's right behind me, isn't she?
01:19:58No!
01:19:59No!
01:20:00No!
01:20:01No!
01:20:02No!
01:20:03No!
01:20:04Fresh, fresh, fresh, loaded up
01:20:06Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot,
01:20:14hot, hot, hot.
01:20:23Let's party! Everybody get gnarled, get dipped, everybody get twisted.
01:20:28The cool kids are the M.I.C. We hack up big boys, get loud and obscene.
01:20:32Try to tame us, we so fresh and so keen
01:20:34They call it outcasts, we the new dream team
01:20:37We the battles in the game, no one can compare
01:20:39Put your hands in the air, say, roll, slay
01:20:42We can turn the anthem to twelve
01:20:44No genie, no wish, it just went till that bell
01:20:47One hand in the air, style so fresh
01:20:50The soldiers don't care
01:20:52We can turn the anthem to twelve
01:20:54No genie, no wish, it just went till that bell
01:20:57Two hands in the air, style so fresh
01:21:00Float up in every air
01:21:01Mushrooms, asparagus, broccoli, spinach
01:21:03So much green that we couldn't even finish
01:21:06We on top of mountains
01:21:08Oil and water falling out from the mountain
01:21:10Mushrooms, asparagus, broccoli, spinach
01:21:13So much green that we couldn't even finish
01:21:15We on top of mountains
01:21:20We can turn the anthem to twelve
01:21:22No genie, no wish, it just went till that bell
01:21:26One hand in the air, style so fresh
01:21:28So we don't care
01:21:30We can turn the anthem to twelve
01:21:32No genie, no wish, it just went till that bell
01:21:35Two hands in the air, style so fresh
01:21:38So much in every air
01:21:39We can turn the anthem to whoever
01:21:42I don't care
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