- 10 hours ago
Addicted to Fresno (2015) [Full Movie] [Full Series]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:15they say having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of you know whatever
00:00:20you do they'll still be there well that was never our story our story is about how sisters
00:00:26can sink each other really sink each other
00:00:59so
00:01:07so
00:01:31good morning martha
00:01:34hi eric hey your sister oh yeah sure is hi smells like piss back here wow her sister was kidding
00:01:44when
00:01:44she said you were a buzzkill
00:01:54shannon hey shannon shannon
00:02:05great now we're gonna have to clean up after a bunch of sweaty lezzies
00:02:08oh god what is with you today why'd you have to tell that guy i'm a buzzkill oh my god
00:02:13shannon
00:02:14jackson what it's me kristen i work at the front desk oh my god okay you remember kristen metz
00:02:21wow oh my god you don't remember me no kristen remember i was like oh my ankle ow did i
00:02:29kick
00:02:29you in the ankle oh then i was like i'm gonna sign my cast and then you couldn't you didn't
00:02:34do it but um god i knew it was you were talking about high school yes okay i remember you
00:02:41oh okay
00:02:41great and what are you doing here i mean i thought you were like teaching at that fancy pants school
00:02:45in
00:02:45carmel by the sea yeah i was but then i got fired because i fucked a bunch of people
00:02:51oh yeah whoops janitor lacrosse coach couple subs the headmaster that was my big mistake actually
00:03:01because we got caught by some kids under the bleachers at homecoming oh so now i'm a registered
00:03:07sex offender yay yeah oh can't clean any rooms with kids in it but that's fine they're always really
00:03:16dirty anyway oh by the way i sucked your boyfriend's dick at chris de luca's prom party i'm sorry yeah
00:03:23i think he must eat a lot of pineapple because his spunk is tasty you guys married is it scott
00:03:29metz
00:03:32so i guess we may as well just jump in right get started basically you just get your key out
00:03:36of
00:03:36your lanyard like that and then you knock three times yeah and then you say fuck off i'm sleeping
00:03:44okay let's not go in there oh people are disgusting
00:03:50check this this is how you put on a new pillowcase then what you do is the double fold maneuver
00:03:55this is also really nice to do in your own home and then like that fluff fluff perfect pay case
00:04:02why are you changing the pillowcases it's the same people they're not checking out
00:04:07okay how about we just try to keep this job shannon not be so lazy
00:04:11fine what do i do with their shit do i have to fold it
00:04:15okay if i raped you right now what would you do i don't want to play this game right now
00:04:20you never
00:04:20want to play yeah i know that's why i'm not playing this was a stupid game when we were kids
00:04:25and it
00:04:26still is hey remember that old french president who attacked that african maid he was like a grandpa
00:04:30and she still had to spit his jizz well i'm not spitting anyone's jizz look if i raped you right
00:04:36now
00:04:36what would you do no one's raping me in this uniform it's not really my color what you want to
00:04:42do
00:04:42in a rape situation is yell fire why wouldn't i yell rape no one responds to that who are your
00:04:49friends so basically you put your laundry inside the unit and then you want to make sure you have a
00:04:54full load before you start the machine hey martha hey jerry how was your vacation value one was
00:05:02awesome you must be shannon welcome to the family your sister said that you're a great sister
00:05:11i've got my bucket and then when that's done you can just move over and you know close it up
00:05:19hit start then once that's going you can move over here and start folding stuff
00:05:24who is that who jerry oh he's the executive maid he's worked here for like 15 years
00:05:29so he's the top dog you're kidding that's our boss
00:05:37god shannon what i'm just saying don't be so insensitive you're lucky that he thinks sex
00:05:42offenders fight sex crimes you know this spot is really competitive
00:05:49you want to go get some hump day drinks celebrate your first day
00:05:55not really
00:06:07come on who's a better dancer me or jody foster and the accused
00:06:11that's not a contest you want to win
00:06:15i like this place because of the music
00:06:18it's great and the girls
00:06:21i'm so glad you're back when are you going to tell me about the last few weeks of rehab
00:06:25i'm not rehab is rehab you know it's my recovery it's private it's my thing
00:06:31well how do you think you're doing though do you think you're better
00:06:34i don't know i feel numb
00:06:38well hey at least numbness is a feeling right
00:06:43it's a numbness
00:06:51what was that what was what
00:06:54that jan that didn't seem numb
00:06:57i'm allowed to look at other human beings
00:07:01how's that freeloading weirdo you're dating
00:07:03so alicia she's not a weirdo
00:07:07how do you think about somebody else
00:07:09i think i'm thinking of alicia
00:07:10um i don't know she's just going through a hard time right now so we split up
00:07:14she wanted to like
00:07:16suck some dicks
00:07:17no she didn't want to stop shan
00:07:19she's a loser straight girl who is never going to settle down with you
00:07:22i like helping people
00:07:24yeah you know who else did
00:07:25mom and it left her with two tits full of cancer
00:07:28so enjoy that
00:07:32now you go pay for these beers
00:07:34as usual
00:07:45hey shan you're sure you don't want to go with me right
00:07:47i have a meeting
00:07:50you want some fiddle for your faddle
00:07:52no i'm good i'll get something on the way
00:07:55okay if you get hungry there's some stuff in the freezer
00:07:57there's bagel bites
00:07:58uh three cheese
00:08:00cheese sausage and pepperoni
00:08:02stop treating me like i'm dad
00:08:04well you know someone had to take care of him
00:08:08look if you want something else there's pb and j or grilled cheese stuff
00:08:11i've been here a week
00:08:12i know my food options just go to class
00:08:14and there's pineapple and country crock
00:08:19you sure you're going to be okay
00:08:20yeah
00:08:22promise you're going to need something right not to smoke
00:08:23yeah
00:08:24okay
00:08:27let's see you in a couple hours
00:08:28have a great meeting
00:08:31hey shan i just want to say that
00:08:34you know
00:08:36i'm hella proud of you
00:08:37that you're getting your life back together
00:08:39i know you're going to make it
00:08:41you can look at me
00:08:43thanks dummy
00:08:45okay see you wouldn't want to be
00:08:48i don't mean it
00:08:50i'll be back
00:08:52determined
00:08:52i'll be back
00:08:55wait i'm going to come back after the gym
00:09:16hey
00:09:16hey
00:09:17uh thanks for the text but you're supposed to call not come over
00:09:21oh
00:09:22sorry well i'm here now so come on out let's fuck like horny teenagers come on
00:09:26come on
00:09:27i um yeah no i can't because um i forgot tonight was date night julie's coming home and we're
00:09:34gonna play scrap
00:09:34what oh god your wife sucks
00:09:37yeah i know
00:09:38everything but your dick
00:09:40i stayed in that hotel room for two weeks
00:09:43so that my sister wouldn't know i got kicked out of rehab for you
00:09:46yeah i'm the one who forged the release paper so the core wouldn't be all over your ass
00:09:50it was the least you could do i'm pretty sure therapists aren't supposed to fuck their rehab patients
00:09:54therapists are screwed up people everybody knows that you're the one who sharon's done me in the office
00:09:58which remember it was very high
00:10:00basic instinct's a great movie
00:10:02but i can't i can't
00:10:03can you say that to my sister's movie book on a regular schedule
00:10:07i need to get laid
00:10:08oh you know i think i think as your therapist you should you should probably go to a meeting
00:10:12tonight okay
00:10:14i think you do
00:10:17fine meetings are great places to get laid
00:10:21okay i can fuck you on the car but i have 10 minutes and that's it let's go
00:10:44i promise i won't make it anymore
00:10:46i can't complain you got no problem to make it rain she got that way to see how she flexing
00:10:51no make up when it's smoking
00:10:52okay uh
00:10:53you ain't gotta tell me so
00:10:54but i suck on that jelly
00:10:56okay
00:10:57problem god we have one rule one rule only
00:10:59never stop fighting
00:11:01yeah
00:11:02thank you
00:11:05i'm here on mondays wednesdays fridays at 8pm weekends i'm here at news
00:11:11the rest of the time i am studying to become a nun so
00:11:15don't bother me
00:11:19hello
00:11:20oh hey kelly great class amazing focus tonight really i'm totally rethinking my plan of knifing
00:11:26you in an alley oh i didn't know you had that plan hey have you seen alicia around uh
00:11:32i just i thought i would see her because she usually works out at nights i mean thank god i
00:11:35didn't because but it's just it's weird because you know she can't work out in the morning and she
00:11:39doesn't get done with her paralegal stuff until like seven and then she can only really work out
00:11:43between 7 30 and 8 30 because she has to watch the good wife at nine but she's not here
00:11:48i haven't seen her
00:11:50i probably shouldn't tell you this but i really think i pulled something like my glutes back there
00:11:56probably shouldn't have had all those beers pre-class uh that's okay um why don't we go somewhere and
00:12:03continue having beers and get some thai food or something do you want to do that i love thai
00:12:10just it sucks because i can't tonight so yeah my sister's back and i just i don't want to leave
00:12:15her home alone too long she's still fragile okay cool i mean not cool that she's fragile or whatever
00:12:22i'm sorry what's up shorties what i was just trying to make some smart fine bye
00:12:33today we're talking about our bottoms so p.s on the tops watch the trigger material please
00:12:42sorry denise talking about our rock bottoms i was living a pretty awesome life
00:12:49i worked at the opera show in chicago i started as an assistant worked my way up to associate
00:12:55producer i was making a lot of money and i was doing a lot of blow like a lot of
00:13:02blow
00:13:02and you know how blow is it's very slimming i had like abs to my neck
00:13:07looked like a fucking pakistani mark paul gosseler that's zach mores from saved by the bell
00:13:14everything was going great i had that on lock or so i thought
00:13:21cut to two years later and i wake up completely naked in an abandoned construction site outside of
00:13:27ridley field how did i get there i don't know i don't even like baseball anyway when i uh
00:13:38didn't make it to work that day i got fired oprah was very strict about that i was this close
00:13:46to
00:13:46oprah literally this close she would walk right by me i threw it all away for drugs and dick
00:13:56mediocre mediocre mediocre dick pretty good drugs though thank you i don't really consider losing a
00:14:06job a bottom wasn't just any job it was a job with oprah winfrey who gives a shit about oprah
00:14:11uh america she's a bitch
00:14:19shan the smog index is it too it's a great day get up hey shan i laid out your uniform
00:14:26and the shower's
00:14:27hot and ready for you i'm gonna make us breakfast okay you need to get up i heard you i'm
00:14:35employee of
00:14:35the month so i don't want to be late i know you don't you shouldn't eat that crap no you've
00:14:44been
00:14:44edgy all morning shan i thought those meetings were supposed to help mellow you out it's called
00:14:50progress not perfection and they don't change the fact that i still live in this shit bowl hey if you
00:14:56hate fresno so much why'd you come back obviously because i've made a series of poor life decisions
00:15:02look positive thinking means positive results hey i own a home that's my american dream
00:15:09location location location
00:15:25hey nancy
00:15:32oh we're actually going down oh yeah take the ride with you
00:15:38you're new here i know everyone works in the hotel so
00:15:43how do you like the job so far i clean rooms how do you think i like it right
00:15:50uh come on show your burrito have a great day ladies
00:15:58i hate that guy he's always here with prostitutes prostitutes have to eat too well he's gross
00:16:05he's fine don't be so judgmental we're still not cleaning 400 his room smells like burnt hair and he
00:16:10reuses old condoms nobody does that he does shan what he hangs them over the shower rod like wiener
00:16:19cozies well that's foul i appreciate your creativity right now but this isn't an art project this is a
00:16:25professional job you told me to stock my cart i am stocking my cart you're overstocking that is way
00:16:31too much toilet paper no one is going to go to the bathroom that much
00:16:45um you know i'll take rooms 403 to 408
00:16:48all right are you sure you're gonna be fine on your own i think i can clean pubes off soap
00:16:53by myself thank you
00:17:01so
00:17:23Hey, did you get that picture I sent you?
00:17:25Yes, I did.
00:17:26You look very healthy.
00:17:27You look very well hydrated.
00:17:29I just posted it on Instagram.
00:17:31I have 10,000 new followers.
00:17:35Listen, I have some very big news.
00:17:37What is it?
00:17:39I gave Julie the letter.
00:17:41I'm finally out.
00:17:43Like, really out.
00:17:44Wait, what did you do?
00:17:46I gave her the letter.
00:17:47I told her everything.
00:17:48What?
00:17:49You know, I didn't think I was going to be able to do it,
00:17:51but I saw the moment it sort of presented itself,
00:17:53and then I was present for it,
00:17:55and it just kind of happened.
00:17:56She didn't take it very well,
00:17:59but, you know, that's going to be her thing.
00:18:01I want to be a real couple.
00:18:03Okay?
00:18:03I want to go to movies with you
00:18:05and sit at the same table in restaurants
00:18:07and not have to fuck in a bush.
00:18:08What do you think?
00:18:09Why would you do that?
00:18:13Well, because you told me
00:18:14that you wanted me to leave my wife.
00:18:16Kim, I didn't think you'd actually do it.
00:18:19God, who does that?
00:18:20Go back.
00:18:21No, I can't go back.
00:18:23I just told her, and I'd...
00:18:24Go back.
00:18:24Edwin.
00:18:26Shannon, I love you.
00:18:28All right?
00:18:28I'm in this.
00:18:29You're in this too, right?
00:18:31Look, I can't take this kind of pressure right now.
00:18:33Huh?
00:18:33What do you mean you can't take...
00:18:35I'm not...
00:18:35What?
00:18:36What?
00:18:36What?
00:19:03Hey, can you come back in 10?
00:19:05You want to fuck?
00:19:07Hey, Alicia, it's Martha calling.
00:19:11I was just calling because
00:19:13I didn't see you at the gym last night,
00:19:14and that makes me really worried.
00:19:19You call me champ.
00:19:20I'll fuck you so hard.
00:19:21You come out your butt.
00:19:27I thought about what you said,
00:19:28and I told her that you can only stay
00:19:30for two more weeks.
00:19:31I mean, I haven't told her yet,
00:19:33but I'm going to tell her, so...
00:19:35But it would be really great
00:19:36to talk to you about that.
00:19:45Go.
00:19:45Go to the bed.
00:19:52Uh, I mean, I know you said
00:19:53you didn't want to talk,
00:19:55so if you feel like it, okay?
00:19:57Um, so, I don't know.
00:20:00Maybe we can hang out again
00:20:01soon or something,
00:20:02or, uh, just call me,
00:20:04or text me.
00:20:06Take your hands off.
00:20:09Get down.
00:20:10Hey.
00:20:10Yeah.
00:20:12Gonna get it.
00:20:14Okay.
00:20:15Bye.
00:20:40Shannon?
00:20:47Oh, yeah.
00:20:54Shannon?
00:20:55Shannon?
00:20:57Ow!
00:20:58Oh!
00:21:01Housekeeping!
00:21:02Oh!
00:21:09Oh!
00:21:15Fire!
00:21:17Fire!
00:21:18Fire!
00:21:19Fire!
00:21:20Fire!
00:21:20What the fuck?
00:21:21Fire!
00:21:21Get her!
00:21:22Get off of her!
00:21:23Shannon!
00:21:24You were right!
00:21:25What?
00:21:26Whoa!
00:21:27Tag team!
00:21:28You were right!
00:21:28You were right!
00:21:28My little sister!
00:21:30You're still hot for your pussy, baby.
00:21:31Jump back on my dick.
00:21:33You're a disgusting piece of shit!
00:21:38Shan!
00:21:40No, no, no, Shan!
00:21:41God, what is wrong with you?
00:21:42What is wrong with you?
00:21:44What the fuck were you thinking?
00:21:45What the fuck, Shan?
00:21:47God!
00:21:48Oh my god!
00:21:48Oh my god!
00:21:48Oh my god!
00:21:49Oh my god!
00:21:50Oh my god!
00:21:50Okay!
00:21:51Okay!
00:21:52Okay!
00:21:52Okay!
00:21:53Okay!
00:21:54Is he dead?
00:21:55Holy shit!
00:21:56Holy shit!
00:21:56Holy shit!
00:21:57He's dead!
00:21:58Did I just kill someone?
00:22:01You don't hear anything, Shan?
00:22:02Did I just fucking kill someone?
00:22:04Calm!
00:22:04Be calm!
00:22:05Oh my god!
00:22:06Okay, it's gonna be okay.
00:22:07What am I gonna do?
00:22:08What are we gonna do?
00:22:09What are we gonna do?
00:22:10He was raping you, right?
00:22:12Yes!
00:22:12Right?
00:22:12What raping?
00:22:14100% rape!
00:22:15That was a rape!
00:22:17He was raping the shit out of me!
00:22:20Okay!
00:22:21Then he was raping!
00:22:22What are you doing?
00:22:23What the fuck?
00:22:24What the fuck?
00:22:24What are you doing?
00:22:25What are you doing?
00:22:25Don't even...
00:22:26Don't even...
00:22:29Front desk?
00:22:30What are you calling the front desk for?
00:22:32I'm telling them what happened!
00:22:33No, you're not!
00:22:35Hello?
00:22:37Hello?
00:22:38We can blame this on our boss!
00:22:40Jerry?
00:22:41Yeah!
00:22:41He would love Jim!
00:22:42He'd go to jail!
00:22:43It's very structured!
00:22:44He'd make friends!
00:22:45Hello?
00:22:47Do you want me to go to jail?
00:22:49No!
00:22:50Of course not!
00:22:51Let me tell you something, Martha.
00:22:52I am a registered sex offender.
00:22:55Do you understand that?
00:22:56How do I prove that he raped me?
00:22:58I need your help.
00:23:00Fine!
00:23:02We'll figure something out.
00:23:06Excuse me.
00:23:07Yeah, I got a phone call.
00:23:08Is everything okay in there?
00:23:11Hello?
00:23:12Hello?
00:23:13Hello?
00:23:13This is Kristen from the front desk.
00:23:15Is everything okay in there?
00:23:17Can you open up, please?
00:23:19It's...
00:23:19By law, I need to check what is going on!
00:23:23Can I help you?
00:23:24Let me in!
00:23:25What's going on in there?
00:23:26Uh, nothing.
00:23:27I'm just cleaning.
00:23:28Oh, really?
00:23:28I got a strange call.
00:23:30It sounded like a fight or something.
00:23:31No.
00:23:32I'm just really intensely cleaning.
00:23:33It's really dirty in here.
00:23:35Okay, listen to me.
00:23:36If you are calling me and you are pranking me, like in high school?
00:23:39That is grounds for dismissal here, Missy.
00:23:41And I am sure that Jerry would love to hear about it.
00:23:43Well, then why don't you go and tell him, Kristen?
00:23:45Good.
00:23:45I'm texting him right now with my other hand that you can't see.
00:23:48Whatever.
00:23:49No!
00:23:50No!
00:23:51No!
00:23:53I will...
00:23:55We need to hurry.
00:23:56Jerry's coming.
00:23:57Okay.
00:23:57What did you do?
00:23:58I'm just being respectful.
00:23:59He deserves some dignity.
00:24:00Everyone deserves some dignity.
00:24:01Even rapists?
00:24:02Yes, even rapists.
00:24:04Okay.
00:24:06Pull harder!
00:24:17Heading to 400, Copy.
00:24:19Over and out, good buddy.
00:24:35Where are we taking him?
00:24:36The presidential suite is empty.
00:24:45Lunch time!
00:24:51Good morning, ladies.
00:24:57Sorry.
00:24:58I don't know why she's barking.
00:25:00Shit sheets.
00:25:01Mm-hmm.
00:25:02The sheets are filled with shit.
00:25:04Yeah.
00:25:04Someone had an act?
00:25:05A bachelor party.
00:25:07Have a good day.
00:25:08Enjoy your stay here.
00:25:11Shit.
00:25:14He lives in Fresno.
00:25:18Hope he doesn't have family here and they don't come look at me.
00:25:21Yeah.
00:25:21Maybe he doesn't have any family.
00:25:22Our parents are dead.
00:25:23You are the only person who would turn that into a positive.
00:25:26Whoa.
00:25:27Look at this.
00:25:28Dude won a bronze in Beijing.
00:25:31You killed an Olympian.
00:25:33Only if you consider hammer throw a sport, which...
00:25:37Oh, no.
00:25:38Fuck!
00:25:39Who would call him?
00:25:40Fuck!
00:25:41To sister.
00:25:42Just give it to me.
00:25:44I'll just let it go to voicemail.
00:25:45Then we'll...
00:25:46Hello?
00:25:47I know you're there.
00:25:49It's a really old phone.
00:25:50I didn't know.
00:25:51Hello?
00:25:53You have reached the voicemail box of Boris Lipka.
00:26:05At the tone, leave a message.
00:26:12Hey, it's me.
00:26:14I know you're probably jerking off in your hotel room like a disgusting pig right now.
00:26:18But you better come home for Dad's birthday party today.
00:26:21I'm so fucking sick of dealing with these two invalids on my own.
00:26:25You better be here by three or I swear I will come get you myself.
00:26:29Okay, so they're not close and his parents are invalids.
00:26:33I feel like this is good news.
00:26:34When he doesn't show up at three, his sister is going to come looking for him.
00:26:39What if we dump his body at Dry Creek Canal and make it look like a suicide?
00:26:43Isn't that where everyone dumps bodies?
00:26:45How are we going to do that?
00:27:02Of course the rapist had a rapist band.
00:27:04Let's hurry up and get him in there.
00:27:13Look, Shan.
00:27:15He was trying to be a good person.
00:27:16He was into yoga.
00:27:17We can still go to the police.
00:27:19We're not going to the police, okay?
00:27:21We're dumping the body at Dry Creek.
00:27:23Unless you can find his parents' address and his phone.
00:27:25And then what?
00:27:27Just put him on the doorstep route.
00:27:29Ring the bell.
00:27:30Happy birthday.
00:27:31Here's your dad's son.
00:27:32Calm down, alright?
00:27:33Just calm down.
00:27:36Just figure out a different way to make his body disappear.
00:27:39Give me the phone.
00:27:40Just give it to me.
00:27:44Alright, here it is.
00:27:47Mom and dad's address.
00:27:48Boom and boom.
00:27:49What are we going to do when we get there?
00:27:52I have a plan.
00:27:55Hold on, hold on.
00:28:10How are you?
00:28:11I'm a friend of Boris's.
00:28:13You must be his sister.
00:28:14Yes, I am.
00:28:14I'm his friend.
00:28:16Boris doesn't have any friends.
00:28:17I'm his sister and I'm not even his friend.
00:28:28Um...
00:28:28Well, um...
00:28:29Well, um...
00:28:31Where is he?
00:28:33Um, he's...
00:28:34Boris is more than a friend to me.
00:28:36I'm his...
00:28:37I'm his life guru.
00:28:39Oh, this is good.
00:28:41So he's got a life coach now.
00:28:42Guru.
00:28:43Oh, guru.
00:28:45Interesting.
00:28:46So what kind of stuff do you advise him on the best prostitutes to fuck?
00:28:49I can see why you would say that and that has been his painful reality for some time but I'm
00:28:54hoping with my help and guidance we can move him through that and I can help him change.
00:28:59Well, it's too bad that he wasn't here to help me when I was changing Pop's diapers, huh? Couldn't help
00:29:04him with that, I guess, right?
00:29:05Are you feeling a lot of pain?
00:29:07Yes.
00:29:07Can I come in?
00:29:12Uh...
00:29:13Mówi że bato mea guru jest.
00:29:16Guru, guru.
00:29:17Yes, I'm uh...
00:29:18Mówi że...
00:29:19Guru, guru.
00:29:20Ja nie wiem co...
00:29:21Ona zwariovala całkiem.
00:29:23Ja nie wiem.
00:29:24Mówi że bato mea guru jest.
00:29:28Guru, guru.
00:29:29Guru.
00:29:29Bato mea guru.
00:29:31Guru, guru.
00:29:32Guru?
00:29:33No...
00:29:34Ja nie wiem co siÄ™ tutaj dzieje.
00:29:36So, I'm here to represent Boris and he has come to the realization that he has been living in the
00:29:44past.
00:29:45And although winning an Olympic bronze medal is a major life achievement, he's never been able to really move past
00:29:52this.
00:29:52So, we've decided that it's due to fear of failure.
00:29:59He's afraid of failing.
00:30:01Mówi się i on nie żyje teraz.
00:30:04So, we've decided the best thing for Boris right now in order for him to start over is to leave
00:30:10Fresno forever, to never ever come back, to sever all ties with his family, and to never ever talk to
00:30:19you again.
00:30:23That he doesn't want to ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
00:30:28That he doesn't want to ever, ever, ever, ever.
00:30:28This is what I have to do all day long.
00:30:31He wants to see you because he is a very, very good son.
00:30:32He requested that I give you his backpack.
00:30:35This is his hand, and there is his bronze medal that he got when he was...
00:30:45Why did you kill him when he was a child?
00:30:50A terrible father, a good father.
00:30:54Our son is a man.
00:30:58Boris, don't leave me here!
00:31:01Boris is so sorry that he has to leave the family,
00:31:04but he knows it's the only way he's gonna be able to grow up.
00:31:07Pomosh me! Poopy! Pomosh me!
00:31:12You better...
00:31:16Think she bought it?
00:31:17I think so, but this will help.
00:31:20Sell this and get out of Fresno. I love you, but I can't change another diaper.
00:31:26XL XL Boris.
00:31:28Yeah, sounds good.
00:31:30What should we do with him? Should we just leave him here?
00:31:32You know what that might ask. We should roll him back to the hotel and figure something out.
00:31:37God, Chan, do you just have to smoke all the time?
00:31:40Yes, I do.
00:31:41You know we're in the middle of a serious drought, right?
00:31:42Yes.
00:31:43I mean, do you just want the whole place to go up in flames?
00:31:45Actually, yeah. It would kind of solve our problem.
00:31:48Think about it.
00:31:52We know somebody who has a place right around here.
00:31:54We do?
00:32:01Gerald?
00:32:02What the fuck, Martha?
00:32:03Be quiet and admit it's a good idea.
00:32:06All right, and you were saying that Braid was a Dane?
00:32:08Great Dane.
00:32:09A great one?
00:32:10Yeah, that's why he's so big.
00:32:12Okay, so, uh...
00:32:18You do remember.
00:32:22Come on, man. My sister.
00:32:24I'm sorry.
00:32:24Hey, what's going on?
00:32:26Hey.
00:32:27Hey.
00:32:27These are old friends of mine, Shannon and Martha.
00:32:30Is this the Scooter Girl?
00:32:32How did you know that?
00:32:33You told me about it on one of our first dates.
00:32:36Wow, you really listen to me.
00:32:37I listen to you when you talk, baby.
00:32:38But you look the other way. It's incredible.
00:32:40Yeah.
00:32:41Um...
00:32:42What's in the bin?
00:32:43Really hope it's a dead dog, because we could use the cash.
00:32:46Sensitivity, honey. Please.
00:32:48I'm sorry.
00:32:49We really hope it's your dead dog, please.
00:32:51That's Boris.
00:32:52He just passed away, so we were hoping to get him cremated.
00:32:54Gerald was saying we could have the friends and family discount.
00:32:56I'm sorry.
00:32:57You know...
00:32:59This is the reason why we're stuck here.
00:33:01This bullshit friends and family thing.
00:33:04Not everyone is your family, and almost no one is your friend.
00:33:07Can we walk around the cemetery and do this?
00:33:09It's just fun.
00:33:09We also...
00:33:11We need to get the bin cremated, too.
00:33:14There are no discounts, and the bin is extra.
00:33:17It's fine.
00:33:19We can pay.
00:33:21Okay.
00:33:21Hand me the tape measure.
00:33:22For what?
00:33:23Why do you need the tape measure?
00:33:24We have to measure for the others.
00:33:25We already know.
00:33:26No, we measured the average size of a Great Dane.
00:33:29It's five foot something something.
00:33:30Just charge us a Great Dane price.
00:33:31No, you don't.
00:33:32Yeah, whatever.
00:33:32The extra, extra large is fine.
00:33:34You guys can leave.
00:33:34You don't have to measure him.
00:33:36You don't have to measure.
00:33:37I have to measure him.
00:33:38Just measure him.
00:33:39What the fuck?
00:33:41We said don't measure it.
00:33:49I'm sorry.
00:33:49We need to call the cops.
00:33:51What for?
00:33:51I'm with Ruby.
00:33:52Shut up.
00:33:53We own a business.
00:33:55Alright?
00:33:55We could lose everything.
00:33:56There's a human body in here.
00:33:57I understand that.
00:33:58Okay, listen.
00:33:59Do you understand that?
00:34:00Yes, I do.
00:34:01I'm the business person here.
00:34:03Okay?
00:34:03We agreed.
00:34:04We agreed on that.
00:34:06And I say we don't call the cops.
00:34:08Because if we call the cops, then what's going to happen?
00:34:10Nothing's going to...
00:34:10They're going to go to jail.
00:34:11And we're not going to get anything.
00:34:13No reward.
00:34:14I mean, you think that the guy who found the slave girls in Ohio...
00:34:17Errol Castro.
00:34:18Yeah, do you think that that guy, did he get anything?
00:34:21Because he didn't.
00:34:22No.
00:34:23Uh-uh.
00:34:24He got, like, a hug from a little white girl.
00:34:26And then he got, like, an embarrassing interview that got auto-tuned and, like, put all over YouTube.
00:34:30That's not what we want.
00:34:31No.
00:34:32Not at all.
00:34:32We're going to blackmail these two bitches.
00:34:35Are you kidding?
00:34:37We want $25,000 to get out of this butt crack and we want it by Sunday.
00:34:41What?
00:34:41There's no way we can come up with $25,000 in three days.
00:34:44We're in Fresno.
00:34:45Yeah.
00:34:46I'm pretty sure you can.
00:34:47You seem very resourceful.
00:34:49So, three days, $25,000.
00:34:51That's...
00:34:51I mean, we can go to Detroit with that.
00:34:52We could definitely go to Detroit.
00:34:54We can move there and set up shopping.
00:34:56And guess what?
00:34:57You get a cremation out of it.
00:34:58You know how good we are at cremation?
00:35:00We're really good at them.
00:35:01A funeral service like you will not believe?
00:35:03But, um, you know, if you don't get the money, then you're going to be tried for manslaughter.
00:35:07So, there's that.
00:35:10What about a payment plan?
00:35:11Nobody even has that.
00:35:13Layaway?
00:35:13Can I give you a little advice as far as bodies go?
00:35:16Um, that guy is going to rot if you don't get him on ice.
00:35:20That's all.
00:35:21It just happens.
00:35:22It's biology.
00:35:23Ugh.
00:35:25What a stupid-ass idea.
00:35:27Gerald.
00:35:28Money burns things for a living, okay?
00:35:30For $25,000 and they'll probably still turn us in.
00:35:33You're not turning us in.
00:35:35She said she wants out of Fresno.
00:35:36The only way to get $25,000 is dealing drugs or prostitution.
00:35:41I just paid thousands to put you in rehab and I double mortgaged my house.
00:35:45You're not becoming a prostitute.
00:35:48I'm not having sex.
00:35:48I'll be your pimp.
00:35:50I'm not touching sweaty palms.
00:35:51They're not always sweaty.
00:35:54Just pretend they're tiny little boobs.
00:35:57Okay, fine.
00:35:57What about this?
00:35:58What if we pull the fire alarm at the hotel and steal it from the front desk?
00:36:02I won't jeopardize my job.
00:36:03You realize that if we don't get rid of this body that we're going to go to jail and you
00:36:06won't even have a job, right?
00:36:07Yeah, well, thanks.
00:36:08Thanks for your smoking out.
00:36:09For sure lost my VIP parking spot.
00:36:11Oh, wait.
00:36:13This is good.
00:36:14People only pay in cash at sex shops.
00:36:16Let's rob it.
00:36:17Mm-hmm.
00:36:18Mm-hmm.
00:36:18It's good.
00:36:23I can barely see.
00:36:25DIY toilet paper.
00:36:26It's genius.
00:36:27I know this place and the workers are always high.
00:36:30It's easy money.
00:36:31Come on.
00:36:33This is stupid, Shan.
00:36:34We look ridiculous.
00:36:44Does anybody work here?
00:36:46Does anybody work here?
00:36:47Yeah, sorry.
00:36:48Smoke break.
00:36:51Oh, I like the teepee on your head.
00:36:53It's all rapey and sexy.
00:36:54I am very into scat.
00:36:56I need you to come over here right now and open this cash register and I need all the cash.
00:37:00Now.
00:37:01Yeah.
00:37:01Get over here.
00:37:05Well, that was a bust.
00:37:06At least we got the overstock.
00:37:08When is sex shops, we're such a cash-poor business.
00:37:10Still there's a quality worth something.
00:37:40We win, we lose
00:37:43Only together do we make the world
00:38:08We win, we lose
00:38:11Only together do we make the world
00:38:15We win, we lose
00:38:17We lose
00:38:21I can't believe we only made $400.
00:38:23It's fair to say we overestimated the market.
00:38:26That's a fucking understatement.
00:38:28Lesbians are poor.
00:38:29They always are, and they always will be.
00:38:31Ah, Jan, don't be homophobic right now, okay?
00:38:33I only tell the truth.
00:38:35Well, here's the truth.
00:38:36Whose great idea was it to rob a sex shop, okay?
00:38:39It wasn't mine, that was yours.
00:38:41Let me remind you, that was my second idea.
00:38:42My first was to rob hotel rooms,
00:38:44but somebody was too scared of getting in trouble.
00:38:46You know what?
00:38:47Why don't you take these dildos and shove them up your ass?
00:38:49Oh, that's a really nice thing to say to a recovering sex addict.
00:38:53Can you not be so annoying right now on top of everything?
00:38:56You stop being so annoying.
00:38:57Stop it!
00:38:57Stop!
00:38:58You want to get titty-fucked?
00:39:00I'll titty-fuck it!
00:39:02No!
00:39:02Titty-fuck it!
00:39:02Okay, you're good.
00:39:04Ow!
00:39:04Oh, God!
00:39:05Ow!
00:39:05What are you doing?
00:39:06Get off me!
00:39:07No, it's my turn to hurt you!
00:39:08What did I ever do to you?
00:39:10We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you!
00:39:12Oh, sure, blame me for everything while you're at it!
00:39:14Blame me for mom dying of cancer and dad drinking himself to death!
00:39:17Ow!
00:39:18I already do!
00:39:26Where are you going?
00:39:28Where are you going?
00:39:30We still have a rotting corpse to deal with!
00:39:33You know what?
00:39:34Just turn me in, because I don't give a shit anymore!
00:39:38Ah!
00:39:38Ah!
00:39:40Ah!
00:39:41Ah!
00:39:42Ah!
00:39:43Ah!
00:39:43Ah!
00:39:44Ah!
00:39:45Ah!
00:39:49Ah!
00:40:13Give me one of those.
00:40:16You're welcome.
00:40:17Am I supposed to say thank you?
00:40:20Most people would.
00:40:21But from what your sister says, you're not most people.
00:40:26Well, Martha needs to learn to keep her fucking mouth shut.
00:40:28Whoa!
00:40:29Whoa!
00:40:30Language!
00:40:32Look, I know it can be, um, difficult, but, um, you know, your sister's pulling for you.
00:40:39She's a good person.
00:40:41How do you know?
00:40:42She told me quit smoking weed.
00:40:43It doesn't look like she was very helpful.
00:40:48I used to smoke weed, like, all the time.
00:40:50I never get any writing done.
00:40:51Now I just smoke before and after work.
00:40:54Then I get stuff done.
00:40:56In rehab, we had more of an all-or-nothing approach.
00:41:00With a little bit of, uh, higher powers to run to yourself bullshit peppered in.
00:41:06Does it work?
00:41:07Seems to, if you believe you have a problem.
00:41:13So what do you write?
00:41:15Uh, I write poetry.
00:41:19Really?
00:41:21So you're all deep and shit?
00:41:22I don't know, maybe.
00:41:25Well, let's hear one.
00:41:29Fresno.
00:41:30Fresno.
00:41:30I don't like it already.
00:41:35Fresno.
00:41:38Lord, why is it so hot?
00:41:40Did you mean for it to be this hot?
00:41:42Or did you leave the house in a hurry and Fresno is the oven you forgot to turn off?
00:41:47Fresno.
00:41:48Fresno.
00:41:48Yes, that smell is dead animal.
00:41:51Do you like it?
00:41:53Fresno.
00:41:54Where is stuff?
00:41:56Like, anything.
00:41:59Fresno.
00:42:00Where the best job I could get is the worst job I've ever had.
00:42:05No hotel guest.
00:42:06I cannot tell you where anything is.
00:42:08If I knew where anything else was, I'd be there.
00:42:13Fresno.
00:42:18Here.
00:42:18Yes.
00:42:21Here.
00:42:22Come on!
00:42:25Come on, Martha.
00:42:27My deaf grandma could kick harder than you.
00:42:36There we go.
00:42:38Come on!
00:42:42So.
00:42:44So, like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of all lives.
00:42:51That's plagiarism.
00:42:52I literally wrote that.
00:42:53Whether you believe it or not?
00:42:55I think so.
00:42:56That's so lame.
00:42:57That's partially it.
00:42:58I think you don't know enough about pros to really give me an accurate critique.
00:43:02I know about pros.
00:43:02I know about pro baseball players.
00:43:03I know about pro basketball players.
00:43:05I'm off work.
00:43:06Like, now.
00:43:08Do you want to go do something?
00:43:11I do.
00:43:13Find the circle.
00:43:14Yes.
00:43:14Faster, faster, faster, faster.
00:43:21We have one rule.
00:43:24One rule only.
00:43:25Never stop fighting.
00:43:36Brian, email me Wednesday about privates.
00:43:40We'll work it out.
00:43:42Cool.
00:43:45How long has Alicia been with that dude?
00:43:47I don't know.
00:43:48I don't really talk to them.
00:43:51You were at that softball thing.
00:43:53Oh, yeah.
00:43:54Well, I didn't want to interrupt you.
00:43:56You were there with a date.
00:43:57Yeah, Tanya is just a friend.
00:44:00See you tomorrow.
00:44:01Yep.
00:44:02It's the worst.
00:44:03Tomorrow?
00:44:04What's tomorrow?
00:44:05Oh, my God.
00:44:06Please tell me you were going to Noah's barman's spa tomorrow night.
00:44:09I actually wasn't even invited.
00:44:11Well, lucky you.
00:44:13Noah's parents pay for privates, so I have to go.
00:44:18And you have to come with me.
00:44:20Like, as your fake date?
00:44:22No.
00:44:22As a real date.
00:44:24Is that a yes?
00:44:31Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:44:32What, wait?
00:44:33Let's, uh, do you want to...
00:44:34Yeah.
00:44:35Let's go to the desk.
00:44:37Oh, no, no.
00:44:38That's not what I mean.
00:44:38Can we just slow down a little bit?
00:44:40What?
00:44:41Please, can we just slow down?
00:44:44Are you...
00:44:44What?
00:44:45Tell me you're not gay.
00:44:46No.
00:44:46I mean, no.
00:44:47I mean, no.
00:44:48Let's talk.
00:44:49Let's talk, okay?
00:44:51Oh, God.
00:44:51You are gay.
00:44:53No.
00:44:53My God.
00:44:57I don't know why I'm telling you this, but...
00:45:00Ah, jeez.
00:45:02I haven't slept with anyone since me and my girlfriend broke up a couple months ago.
00:45:06Seriously?
00:45:07Yeah.
00:45:08Do you, like, not like condoms or something?
00:45:10Do you want a drink?
00:45:10I'm gonna have a drink.
00:45:11What is wrong with you?
00:45:13What the fuck?
00:45:14Oh, my God.
00:45:14Martha would be so pissed.
00:45:16Do you want to go back to rehab?
00:45:17I'm a sex addict, not an alcoholic asshole.
00:45:21Really?
00:45:22Yeah, really.
00:45:23I don't...
00:45:23I don't...
00:45:24That's a thing?
00:45:26I thought it was, like, made up by Tiger Woods or something.
00:45:28Don't be a dumbass.
00:45:30Okay.
00:45:31Well...
00:45:31Wait.
00:45:32Just wait.
00:45:33The thing is that I'm really trying to manage my addiction just like you are.
00:45:39So will you just touch my boob just for, like, one minute, please?
00:45:42I don't...
00:45:42I just feel like my boob...
00:45:50What the fuck?
00:45:53We were just about to watch a movie.
00:46:03I can't believe you brought him in here, Shannon.
00:46:05He didn't see anything.
00:46:07You know, he's a good guy.
00:46:09He deserves better.
00:46:10No offense.
00:46:11Go to sleep.
00:46:13I can't sleep.
00:46:16Kelly invited me to a bar mitzvah tomorrow night, and it's freaking me out.
00:46:22I'm glad you're thinking about chicks instead of our shit-ass predicament.
00:46:26Uh, the bar mitzvah is in this hotel tomorrow night.
00:46:29So?
00:46:30So kids make a lot of money at these things, Shannon.
00:46:36That's genius.
00:46:37Yeah, it is.
00:46:38You want to jack the bar mitzvah.
00:46:43What do we do?
00:46:44Okay, look.
00:46:46I'll just go with Kelly, and then you can crash in.
00:46:50No, I can't go alone.
00:46:53I'll bring Eric.
00:46:55You can't tell him anything.
00:46:56I'll get him to help us.
00:46:57I won't tell him anything.
00:46:58I'll just make something up.
00:47:00I know he'll do it.
00:47:01He's so into me.
00:47:06Just go to bed.
00:47:10Jerry, I have some guests locked out of room 402.
00:47:14And I'm getting no response from housekeeping.
00:47:18I don't think they clean this room.
00:47:28Oh, shit.
00:47:29Oh, shit.
00:47:32Jan, wake up, Jan.
00:47:33Hey, stop it.
00:47:34Jan, Jan.
00:47:35It's Jerry.
00:47:36What is it?
00:47:37God, this really sucks.
00:47:38Shit.
00:47:41Okay.
00:47:42Okay.
00:47:44Okay, listen.
00:47:46I'll deal with Jerry.
00:47:48You go home and get the stuff, okay?
00:47:49Okay.
00:47:50You gotta get the dresses for the bar mitzvah.
00:47:52What about the dead guy?
00:47:53Just make sure you keep fresh ice on him, okay?
00:47:56Okay.
00:47:57Okay, come on.
00:47:58Wake up.
00:47:59Don't do that.
00:48:01It's a big day, Shan.
00:48:02I know.
00:48:03I'm so nervous.
00:48:16Hello?
00:48:17It's me.
00:48:18What are you doing?
00:48:18I'm working.
00:48:20Okay, well, Martha's not here and I'm home alone, so can you come over here and fuck me?
00:48:24So, now that, like, I've totally fucked up my marriage, now you want back in?
00:48:29No, no, no, no.
00:48:29I just, no.
00:48:30No, I-
00:48:31Or are you just fucking someone else now?
00:48:33No.
00:48:33Oh, no, baby.
00:48:34That's not it at all.
00:48:34I'm just, I'm alone now and this is a perfect time.
00:48:37Mm-hmm.
00:48:37Because I know that you always do this.
00:48:39Do what?
00:48:40You come groveling back as soon as you're seeing somebody new.
00:48:42Baby, listen to me.
00:48:43Listen right now.
00:48:44I-
00:48:44You need to start facing your fears and your feelings.
00:48:48Or you're just gonna keep hurting yourself and everybody around you.
00:48:51Well, that's the long way to say no.
00:48:53Yeah.
00:48:53I have to go.
00:48:57Ow.
00:48:57It's gonna look good.
00:48:58You're gonna get it nice and straight.
00:49:00Ow!
00:49:01Stop yelling.
00:49:03It doesn't hurt.
00:49:04Sorry, I guess I'm just nervous.
00:49:06About the bar mitzvah?
00:49:07Eric's gonna help us.
00:49:13Do you think you've ever been in love?
00:49:15I'm not good with emotions.
00:49:17As soon as I start to get close to someone, I just, I feel crowded and I'm not attracted
00:49:22to them anymore.
00:49:23How many guys do you think you've been with?
00:49:27I don't know.
00:49:28Like a ballpark.
00:49:30Like a hundred.
00:49:31One hundred dicks?
00:49:33Stupid thing is most of the time I don't even like the sex.
00:49:36Then why do you do it?
00:49:38I don't know.
00:49:39Like the pain of doing it is not as bad as the emptiness of not doing it.
00:49:44Does that make sense?
00:49:48Martha.
00:49:50Yeah?
00:49:52I was a hundred percent wrong about your hair.
00:49:55What's the problem?
00:49:56It's not good.
00:50:00Do cousin it.
00:50:01No Shan, I'm not gonna do it.
00:50:03Yes you are.
00:50:04Shan, I'm not doing it.
00:50:06You don't think I look pretty for the bar mitzvah party.
00:50:24Hey, um, if tonight doesn't go too late, maybe you can come over and, I don't know,
00:50:29watch Naked and Afraid with me or...
00:50:31Yeah, maybe.
00:50:31We'll see how it goes.
00:50:32Hey ladies, it's dope you came.
00:50:35Yeah, of course.
00:50:36Got you something?
00:50:37Sir?
00:50:38Oh, thanks.
00:50:39That's sweet.
00:50:40I'll put it in my money box over there.
00:50:42It's cash only.
00:50:44Yeah, we heard.
00:50:45Yeah, it's actually coupons for free privates.
00:50:48Privates?
00:50:49You hitting on me, boo?
00:50:50I'm a man now, so it's copacetic.
00:50:52Don't worry.
00:50:52All right, all right.
00:50:53Take it easy.
00:50:53Not in front of my date.
00:50:54Don't talk to Kelly like that.
00:50:56It's really rude, no one.
00:50:57Do you think you guys can make out on my next music video?
00:51:00Google Gloria Steinem and then ask us.
00:51:03So how long do these things last?
00:51:05Uh, about as long as a wedding reception, you know.
00:51:07Really?
00:51:08Yeah.
00:51:09I don't really know how long that is because I've never been to a wedding.
00:51:12Really?
00:51:14I went to one, but it doesn't really count because we eloped.
00:51:17You're married?
00:51:19Yeah.
00:51:19What?
00:51:21I can be married.
00:51:22I totally got married.
00:51:24And nine days later, I cheated on him and we got divorced.
00:51:28Super romantic, like I said.
00:51:30Like a fairy tale, actually.
00:51:32I'd read it cover to cover.
00:51:34I'm thinking of pitching it as a children's book.
00:51:36Well, you should.
00:51:37Or YA.
00:51:38That's probably the better choice.
00:51:49Y'all ready for this?
00:51:51I'm 13 now.
00:51:53Woo!
00:51:56I want to thank my dad, I want to thank my mom, and I want to thank my bubby.
00:52:00Alright, let's do this.
00:52:02Come on, boys.
00:52:03Cash Money Tour.
00:52:05Welcome to my mitzvah bar.
00:52:07Tulin' Tartar, rollin' pimp in my Maybach.
00:52:10Motherfuckin' car, takin' rolls in my mouth like my hoes, swimmin' style of where I'm at.
00:52:15I'm from friends, my fuckers.
00:52:16Fat.
00:52:17Where is that?
00:52:18Kelly, bitch.
00:52:19Flat.
00:52:19Snap a pic while I take over my dick.
00:52:22Look a little longer.
00:52:23I'm stronger.
00:52:25Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:52:26I suppress my cop.
00:52:27Cause my Jewish is the Jewish, no Adol.
00:52:30My Jewish is the Jewish, no Adol.
00:52:33My Jewish is the Jewish, no Adol.
00:52:36Cause you can't get freaky when there's a Holocaust.
00:52:40Fuck!
00:52:40Uh, all y'all motherfuckers can suck my cock.
00:52:43Suck it, suck it, I'mma be fat cock.
00:52:46Peace!
00:52:46That is enough.
00:52:47That is enough.
00:52:48Hey, why enough?
00:52:50I didn't see the dance floor up!
00:52:52Thank you for coming.
00:52:53Uh, why doesn't everybody get on the dance floor?
00:52:56Let's, let's dance to some appropriate music.
00:52:59You thought that was gonna be Bruno Mars.
00:53:00Get over here.
00:53:02You know what?
00:53:03Now we gotta dance.
00:53:05I don't dance.
00:53:06I think we do, it's part of the deal.
00:53:07I don't dance.
00:53:08Come on, I think you do.
00:53:08I've never...
00:53:12Never...
00:53:16Alright.
00:53:17Bring it in, bring it in.
00:53:27You have a really cute ass.
00:53:30It's distracting.
00:53:32Stop.
00:53:33It's a bar mitzvah.
00:53:35There is gifts here, Kelly.
00:53:36I'm serious.
00:53:37It's distracting.
00:53:39My ass.
00:53:40Yes.
00:53:41I'm sure.
00:53:43It's because you worked me out so good.
00:53:45Mm-hmm.
00:54:00Hey, maybe we should take a breather.
00:54:04Okay.
00:54:05Get a drink or something?
00:54:10I'm gonna use the ladies room.
00:54:11Okay.
00:54:12Don't go anywhere.
00:54:12Mm-mm.
00:54:14I really like you.
00:54:19And since you won't tell me why you're being blackmailed,
00:54:21I think it's only fair I get to do this.
00:54:35Excuse me, it's time to strap on the feed bags.
00:54:38Uh, dinner will be in about five minutes
00:54:40if our very expensive catering company would just do their job.
00:54:50Okay.
00:54:51Alright.
00:54:52You ready?
00:54:53Yeah, yeah.
00:54:54Okay.
00:54:56So...
00:54:57So?
00:54:58You guys look pretty cute together.
00:55:00Yesterday you were pissed because I was alone with them
00:55:02and now you want us to get married?
00:55:03Wait a minute, Chan.
00:55:04This is different.
00:55:05He really likes you.
00:55:05I can tell.
00:55:07I know.
00:55:08I think I should just fuck him and get it over with.
00:55:11Okay.
00:55:11Will you not say that kind of shit all the time?
00:55:15Me?
00:55:16Okay.
00:55:17Eric's in position.
00:55:41Oh my god!
00:55:45Is anyone here a doctor?
00:55:47I'm a doctor!
00:55:48I got it!
00:55:50Get everybody back Noah.
00:55:52Son tell me what the food shoots out.
00:55:54Noah that's fucking disgusting!
00:55:57Cough it up. Cough it up. Cough it up.
00:56:01Cough it up. Cough it up.
00:56:02You see anything? No.
00:56:04Keep home. Ew. These are new shows.
00:56:08Are you all right? Is it all out? Uh-huh. Okay.
00:56:11Oh, that. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.
00:56:15Uh-oh. No. Uh-oh.
00:56:18All right. All right. I think it's a seizure.
00:56:20I think it's a seizure. Get back. Get back.
00:56:23Nobody panic. Nobody panic. She's gonna be fine.
00:56:25Put your arms. She's slapping on her.
00:56:26Give her some answers. It's the same.
00:56:28No. No. No.
00:56:30No. No. Direct the traffic. Do something. Do something, Noah.
00:56:33Just calm down. It will stop. Just let her be calm.
00:56:37No. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Just calm down. Don't hurt yourself.
00:56:40Let her be calm. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Just calm it.
00:56:46Okay. Everybody back. Calm down.
00:56:47Give her some air.
00:56:51Oh. Peanuts. Oh.
00:56:53That is really a bad thing these days. There's peanuts and everything.
00:56:56All right. Give it up for this guy. This guy's a hero.
00:57:00Hero. Hero. Hero. Hero. Hero. Hero. Hero. Hero. Hero. Hero.
00:57:09That was crazy. Yeah, that was pretty crazy.
00:57:11Are you okay?
00:57:12Yeah, I think I am. I was just a seizure, I guess.
00:57:17I think we should just go back to my place so I can keep an eye on you. How about
00:57:20that?
00:57:21Oh, gosh. I don't know, Kelly. I think I should probably just go home alone because, you know, I nearly
00:57:26just died, kind of, so...
00:57:28Okay. What is it? Do you not like hanging out with me or something?
00:57:33No. It's not that. It's, uh, like Shannon, my sister, is at my house so I have to be there.
00:57:41Okay. You have to stop using your adult sister as an excuse for blowing me off.
00:57:45I'm not blowing you off. I don't want you to think I'm blowing you off.
00:57:47Oh, I'm available. Like, totally available and I'm gay and I'm very attracted to you. I don't know if you
00:57:55noticed that.
00:57:56Um, I like you. A lot. Um, and I'm cool as shit. So I don't see what the problem is.
00:58:02Am I, like, what? Am I coming on too strong?
00:58:04Am I supposed to play games and pretend like I don't like you and be mean to you? Is that
00:58:09what Alicia does?
00:58:10Should I be like Alicia and flirt with other guys in the gym to, like, make you attracted to me?
00:58:14I'm not a game player, okay? I'm over that shit.
00:58:16I'm a grown-ass woman and I fucking like you. So let's do this. What's the problem?
00:58:23I don't know, Kelly. I don't think, I don't think it's a good idea. Wait, wait, Kelly.
00:58:29Hey, and you know what? You should sign up for spinning because my class has a no asshole policy now.
00:58:35So.
00:58:50What are you looking at?
00:58:52Uh, nothing. I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here. So I'm just gonna go and you can continue your
00:58:56blubbering. Just pretend you're right now.
00:58:58You are so insensitive. Are you even a woman? It's like, hey, I'm sorry, okay?
00:59:04No, you're not. Okay, fine. I'm not.
00:59:07I saw an Oprah on this. You're a sociopath.
00:59:10Hey, wait. Now listen, I am not a sociopath, okay? I feel stuff. I empathize and I sympathize, which means
00:59:16that I'm not a sociopath.
00:59:18Okay, well, if that's true, then why don't you ask me why I'm crying?
00:59:29What's wrong?
00:59:30Um, okay, well, when I confronted Scott about you.
00:59:33Who's Scott?
00:59:34My husband, the one that you blew.
00:59:36Oh, yes, okay. And Scott, you talked to him about?
00:59:39Yeah, he didn't deny it. He admitted it was true.
00:59:42Okay.
00:59:42And then I asked him if it was good, and I could tell he didn't want to say anything, but
00:59:47I forced it out of him and he said,
00:59:51that it was the best blowjob of his life. And now he just can't stop fighting and I can't have
00:59:57sex with him and I just don't know what I'm going to do.
01:00:00Because I just, I can never, I can never do that.
01:00:04Yeah, okay. You can do it. You can do it. You know what? I know how to fix this.
01:00:08Uh, we'll use this. I'm going to teach you how to give the best blowjob of your life.
01:00:14Okay, but hold on. Can we use this?
01:00:20Doesn't surprise me Phil took the cash.
01:00:23He was in Buchenwald.
01:00:24Because you can't get freaky when there's a holocaust.
01:00:26It was a good run.
01:00:27Sucky, sucky, my big fat cock.
01:00:29Sorry, honey.
01:00:31So, uh, what do you normally do?
01:00:33Um, I just close my eyes and then...
01:00:38Looks like you're eating a corncob. That's not going to feel good to anyone.
01:00:41Okay.
01:00:41Okay.
01:00:42Alright, so what kind of porn do you guys watch together?
01:00:44No, no porn. None.
01:00:46Watch a porn once in a while by yourself and watch how the chicks do it.
01:00:50Aren't most of those women slaves?
01:00:52No.
01:00:53Oh, I thought I saw a dateline about that they were slaves.
01:00:56No.
01:00:58They put them in a box and ship them over.
01:01:00No, that's, no, those are the manicurists.
01:01:02Oh, okay.
01:01:02No, those aren't the porn stars. They're not slaves.
01:01:04Okay.
01:01:05Okay, so what you want to do is you want to pretend, like, what's your favorite food in the world?
01:01:10Um, um, uh, Yoplait yogurt. Cheesecake flavor.
01:01:16Okay, so I want you to pretend like this is filled with cheesecake flavored Yoplait yogurt.
01:01:21Okay.
01:01:22And if you suck it hard enough, you're gonna get it all out.
01:01:25Okay.
01:01:26Okay?
01:01:26Okay.
01:01:26So now, in order to get out the yogurt, you have to squeeze it.
01:01:29Okay.
01:01:30And you want to put your mouth on the tip.
01:01:32Okay.
01:01:32Now you're gonna bring your hand up to meet your mouth.
01:01:35Oh.
01:01:35As your mouth goes down, your hand goes up.
01:01:38And it's like that.
01:01:39And it's...
01:01:39So they're gonna...
01:01:40Yes.
01:01:40Mouth beneath the hand.
01:01:41Yes.
01:01:41Mouth beneath the hand.
01:01:42Mouth right.
01:01:43Now, right before, you're gonna get your hand up to the top.
01:01:46Hold it really tight.
01:01:47Spit in your palm.
01:01:48Rub it around the top.
01:01:50Point it away.
01:01:51Shoots out into the stars.
01:01:52Okay?
01:01:52Okay.
01:01:53All right, you got this.
01:01:54Now go, go, go, go, go.
01:01:56That's it.
01:01:57Okay.
01:02:06What do you mean it's only $12,000?
01:02:09Come on, come on.
01:02:10It's a lot of money.
01:02:11It's like...
01:02:11That's like six digits.
01:02:12I said I wanted $25,000.
01:02:15Well, you can get a house in Detroit for like $800.
01:02:18I didn't want a house.
01:02:20I wanted a building.
01:02:21Come on, Ruby.
01:02:22Please.
01:02:23But it's cash.
01:02:24I mean, it's right here.
01:02:25It's a good start.
01:02:27Get everything rolling, you know?
01:02:28It's a great start.
01:02:31Mm-hmm.
01:02:31I'll sell the Thunderbird.
01:02:33You'll sell the Thunderbird?
01:02:34I promise.
01:02:35I don't need it.
01:02:36Super cool.
01:02:38Okay.
01:02:40I'll go turn the oven on.
01:02:48It was really sweet of you to come.
01:02:50Of course.
01:02:51You could have just told me you were being blackmailed for killing some guy's dog.
01:02:56I felt bad about it.
01:02:58You still do.
01:03:00This is my last dog!
01:03:03Suck my dick, Fresno!
01:03:06What's up with that chick?
01:03:08Oh, she's, um, moving to Detroit.
01:03:12Okay.
01:03:14Um...
01:03:16Let's all bow our heads, uh, and have a moment of silence.
01:03:23Boris.
01:03:25Our precious Boris.
01:03:29He was a champion.
01:03:32Um...
01:03:33That he was also a dirty dog.
01:03:37Now, God, please watch over him and take him to a better place.
01:03:43Everyone deserves their dignity.
01:03:45We've all done things we're not proud of.
01:03:49The last time I was at a cemetery was for my father's funeral.
01:03:54Uh...
01:03:54It was not an easy time for any of us, but especially not for my sister Shannon,
01:03:58because she didn't show.
01:03:59So, I know she wanted to be there, but she couldn't because, uh...
01:04:02She didn't feel good.
01:04:04I don't blame her.
01:04:06Uh...
01:04:06It's just...
01:04:08Sometimes it's hard for me to do everything on my own.
01:04:10So, I guess I'm just really grateful that we made it through this time together.
01:04:17Yeah.
01:04:31Uh, my tenderness.
01:04:32Uh, his brother.
01:04:34Uh!
01:04:35Uh!
01:04:36Uh!
01:04:37Uh!
01:04:39Uh!
01:04:40Uh!
01:04:41Uh!
01:04:41Uh!
01:04:42Uh!
01:04:58Martha?
01:04:59Martha?
01:04:59Martha!
01:05:04We've slept together before,
01:05:05so there's like a grandfather clause situation, you know?
01:05:10We still build these, isn't that crazy, little sheds?
01:05:14Martha?
01:05:15Martha, stop running!
01:05:18Martha, come on!
01:05:20Wait, I'm sorry!
01:05:21Sorry?
01:05:21You're not sorry, Chan.
01:05:23It's not my fault, it's my disease, I can't help it.
01:05:26Of course, right?
01:05:27You never mean to do anything.
01:05:28You know, you're just like that.
01:05:30Just blame everyone else.
01:05:33It's never you, right?
01:05:36Well, I am so tired of trying to help you.
01:05:43Martha!
01:05:44You can't leave me here!
01:05:47Don't come back to my place, I am done!
01:05:57It's hard letting go, isn't it?
01:06:01If only Pop-Tart could have spoken up and told me
01:06:05what was bothering her.
01:06:07But turtles can't let you know what's going on, can they?
01:06:11Robots can't either.
01:06:40That's so cool!
01:06:41I've been staying for a while this time.
01:06:44You get the bottle?
01:06:46It's leftover of our midst family.
01:06:49Good one.
01:06:51My mom died of cancer, then my dad died of alcohol,
01:06:54and my little sister had no one to help her,
01:06:56and instead of helping her, I just blew off my dad's funeral.
01:07:03And a few months ago, I did some really horrible shit,
01:07:07which is why I'm here, and my sister bailed me out again.
01:07:12And so did this guy that I met who's really nice,
01:07:17and I really liked him.
01:07:20But instead of dealing with my feelings
01:07:22like a mature, adult, grown-up person,
01:07:25I fucked a random dude.
01:07:30I just...
01:07:32I just don't want to let anyone down anymore.
01:07:34I don't want to let myself down anymore.
01:07:37And I want this part of my life, this whole chunk, to be over,
01:07:41and that's why I'm here, because I need help.
01:07:46I'm just fucking tired of fucking.
01:07:52Fuck.
01:07:54Sorry.
01:07:56It wasn't my turn.
01:07:59I'm sorry.
01:08:01You know who would have left that?
01:08:04Oprah.
01:08:07I'm sorry.
01:08:09I'm sorry.
01:08:16I was like, I'm sorry.
01:08:20I had two life scenes.
01:08:23I can't hold.
01:08:25I can't hold.
01:08:27I can't hold.
01:08:28I can't hold.
01:08:29I can't hold.
01:08:30I can't hold.
01:08:31I can't hold.
01:09:02Rest.
01:09:14I don't know.
01:09:40I don't know.
01:10:07I don't know.
01:10:29I don't know.
01:10:32I don't know.
01:10:33I don't know.
01:10:34And we're not talking anymore.
01:10:35Why not?
01:10:37Oh, let's see.
01:10:38She's a liar.
01:10:39She's selfish.
01:10:40She's ungrateful.
01:10:41And she can't get her life together.
01:10:42It's actually really sad.
01:10:44My sister sucks.
01:10:45Why does she suck?
01:10:46Were you not listening, Jerry?
01:10:47I just told you the whole thing.
01:10:50Hey, she's a pain in the ass.
01:10:52Why?
01:10:53Because she just does whatever the hell she wants, and she doesn't care who she hurts along
01:10:59the way.
01:11:00I mean, I did everything I could for her.
01:11:03I-I got her this job, let her stay at my place, and it's like she just didn't even want
01:11:10any of it.
01:11:11If she didn't want help, why did you help her?
01:11:14Well, I don't know.
01:11:17Sounds like you need help.
01:11:22Uh, I don't need any help.
01:11:24You worry too much about your sister and not yourself.
01:11:29My life is pretty sweet.
01:11:31It's not sweet.
01:11:32You live all alone, and you're a maid in Fresno.
01:11:36You're a maid too, you know.
01:11:38Yes, but I'm better than a maid.
01:11:40Executive maid.
01:11:42And I have a sexy girlfriend.
01:11:49Yeah, can you just, like, put them back the right way?
01:11:52Because they're always being tangled up.
01:11:59Kelly, you don't have to hide from me.
01:12:01Hey, Alicia is working out at Freztown CrossFit, so you should go sign up there.
01:12:06I don't want to say hi to Alicia, I want to say hi to you, Kelly.
01:12:12Hi.
01:12:19Uh...
01:12:20I want to apologize to you.
01:12:23Okay?
01:12:24I'm sorry.
01:12:26I wasn't myself.
01:12:29Yeah, it's just a lot of weird stuff was going on in my life.
01:12:33If you say your sister or your ex one more time, I will literally vomit right now.
01:12:37Well, I won't.
01:12:39Okay?
01:12:40Because neither of them are in my life anymore.
01:12:42I mean, it's good.
01:12:45Like, for the first time in my life, I'm doing stuff just for myself.
01:12:48Like, I got a pedicure yesterday, and I took a bubble bath, you know?
01:12:56Wow, you took a bath.
01:12:57Yeah.
01:12:58Yeah.
01:12:59And, uh, now I'm doing this other thing I really wanted to do.
01:13:04Talking to a girl who I think is pretty cool.
01:13:09I really liked you.
01:13:11I still like you.
01:13:16Okay.
01:13:17But if your sister and your ex are, like, totally out of the picture for real, then what are you
01:13:23possibly going to use as an excuse not to go out with me tonight?
01:13:27Tonight?
01:13:29Nothing.
01:13:31Newsflash.
01:13:33I'm available.
01:13:35Really?
01:13:36Big time.
01:13:47Yo, yo, yo, guru!
01:13:49Do you remember me?
01:13:51I think you have the wrong person.
01:13:53No, no, no.
01:13:53You don't remember me?
01:13:54My parents had a house that smelled like dirty diapers.
01:13:57Does that ring a bell?
01:13:58No.
01:13:59You remember this pretty face?
01:14:03Yeah, hi.
01:14:05You got any more awesome words of wisdom for me?
01:14:07Oh, I don't.
01:14:08I'm, uh, kind of out of the guru business.
01:14:11What?
01:14:12I'm working at Foster Farms now.
01:14:15Aww.
01:14:16Well, that's good for Foster Farms, but bad for gurus.
01:14:18You were so good at that.
01:14:21I gotta tell you, my whole life changed because of stuff you told me.
01:14:24Really?
01:14:24How?
01:14:25I sold the van.
01:14:27I pawned Boris' bronze medal.
01:14:29I sold my parents' house for a shitload of money.
01:14:31I figured they'd be better off rotting in a nursing home, you know?
01:14:34Got a real good price on a nursing home, one of the cheapest ones.
01:14:37And, uh, that was really all because of you, I have to be honest.
01:14:41And I'm getting a chin implant.
01:14:43I never said any of that stuff.
01:14:45Listen, guru, I felt your vibe and I ran with it.
01:14:48If you ever see Boris, you tell him we're better off without each other, okay?
01:14:52Siblings can really sink each other, you know?
01:14:55Tell him I said that, okay?
01:14:58Take care of yourself!
01:14:59Namaste!
01:15:00Let's do something in place.
01:15:01She opened for our lives.
01:16:349-1-1, what's your emergency?
01:16:36It's not really an emergency.
01:16:40I killed a guy, so someone should probably come and get me.
01:16:44Please hold.
01:16:48I'm not connecting you to the Fresno Police.
01:16:51Please stay on your Fresno location.
01:16:53Your medics have been dispatched.
01:16:56No, you don't have to send the paramedics.
01:16:58It was a little while ago.
01:17:01It was an accident.
01:17:02I'm sure everyone says that, but it, like, really was an accident.
01:17:07Well, do you think that maybe someone could just come here and get me?
01:17:10Because I don't have a car.
01:17:13That's a really far walk.
01:17:21So anyway, Shan, I'm glad you're getting my letters.
01:17:25I miss you, but I'm kind of glad you're in jail.
01:17:27And I mean that in the nicest way.
01:17:29You better look like Linda Hamilton in T2 when you get out.
01:17:32Baby got back.
01:17:33Like, her actual back was awesome.
01:17:39I'll see you next month and try and stay out of trouble.
01:17:44Hugs.
01:17:44Martha.
01:17:48P.S.
01:17:50I hate you.
01:17:52Which, in case you forgot,
01:17:54means I love you like a sister.
01:18:08P.S.
01:18:24I did look at this from the hot knackers for.
01:18:28Oh, P.C.
01:18:30Yeah, stop.
01:18:32Oh, P.C.
01:18:34You are, you have a treasure trove.
01:18:36You're like the Maya Angelou of dick sucking.
01:18:39And I, I mean that.
01:18:40I was just a big urine pick.
01:18:49I was just a, I was just a big urinal character for the entire community to enjoy.
01:18:58Everyone's excited, but I don't, I don't know what's happening.
01:19:00You're poaching, poaching.
01:19:01Why do I like to do that?
01:19:02Why do we, what are we, what are we, what are we jacking?
01:19:05Maybe it's me.
01:19:06Maybe it's Derrick, or he, or maybe it's Cousin, and nobody knows.
01:19:10Hello, I'm here for your bar mitzvah.
01:19:13Shalom.
01:19:14Call me champ and I'll fuck you so hard you'll come at your butt.
01:19:22Fuck.
01:19:33I'll be looking into the lens.
01:19:36Now I can't look away, I can't look away, I can't look away, I can't look away.
01:19:40You want us to come from the car?
01:19:43I'm glad.
01:19:43All we can gather, there's no way to go spot, love.
01:20:05Let's go.
01:20:20See you next time.
Comments