- 2 days ago
Abolish Everything - Season 2 - Episode 03: Abolish Your Friends' Other Friends
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00:07In New York City, storied underground, our radical movement gathers again.
00:11Without Osama Bin Laden, we don't have my character, Woke-sama-bin pronouns.
00:21And can you give us a taste of him?
00:24Our mission?
00:25To liberate society from its gravest, stupidest ills.
00:28Our secondary mission?
00:30Providing safe harbor for recovering Model UN kids.
00:34In just a moment, four brave abolitionists will face off against each other and the
00:38political establishment in an attempt to win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar
00:44sign on it, as well as an invitation to our World Championship season finale.
00:48But to do it, they'll need to convince the crowd on the other side of this curtain.
00:53This is the fight of our lives.
00:55This is the future we've been waiting for.
00:58This is Abolish Everything.
01:11Tonight's abolitionists, Emily Wilson, Jacqueline Uwe, Ashton Womack, and Martin Herlihy.
01:28Thank you so much for watching Abolish Everything.
01:31I'm your host, Chandler Dean.
01:36Before we begin, I am ashamed and disgusted, yet required by our twisted system to introduce
01:42the political establishment of the political establishment.
01:47Rachel Costner, Josh Nassar, Nicole Conlon, and Chief Justice of the political establishment,
01:55Andy Vega.
01:58Look at these people.
02:00They did not tell me that they were all going to be wearing those hats.
02:04I am out of competition, but I will be delivering this evening's first testimony.
02:08Are you ready to abolish everything?
02:13Then without further ado, my time starts now.
02:17My friends, there is no greater joy in life than finding community.
02:22But every so often, a disturbing force threatens that community, imperiling all we know and love.
02:29That is why we need to abolish your friends' other friends.
02:40Where do they get these people?
02:44I'm sorry.
02:45I was under the impression that you were my friend.
02:49But then I go to your birthday party and it's like I'm meeting a bunch of delegates from the damn
02:53rando convention.
02:55And let's get right to the heart of it.
02:57Your friends' other friends are like a crappier version of your friend.
03:03You look at your friends' other friends, and I'm afraid there's no other way to say it.
03:07They're a bunch of ogres and goblins who do not compare to the precious princess that is your friend.
03:14Let's break down the differences.
03:17Your friend knows you.
03:19Your friends' other friends don't care if you live or die.
03:22And yet, your friend is always hanging out with these people instead of you.
03:30You'll text your friend, want to see a movie?
03:33Then they respond, sorry, I'm hosting a dinner party.
03:36Then you say, sounds great.
03:37I would love to go to a dinner party.
03:40This should be the end of the exchange, right?
03:42Sorry, the dinner party is for my other friends.
03:48Ah, got it. No problem.
03:50And then you just have to move on with your dad.
03:56Then there's the reverse problem.
03:59Sometimes you want to do something with your friends and then your friend is like, can I bring my friend?
04:04This is a terrorist attack on the vibe.
04:09We've gone from family reunion energy to first date energy.
04:14I wanted to talk about freak shit with my homies.
04:17I had so many esoteric topics to discuss.
04:20But now, because you've brought who the hell McWhat's his name,
04:26how are we supposed to involve this man in the discussion?
04:31Now, some common counter arguments.
04:33Without our friends' other friends, how will we introduce friends to each other romantically?
04:37You don't want this.
04:40Have you seen who your friends think is good for you?
04:44They'll be like, you would be so cute with him,
04:46and then it's the damn blue blob guy from Monsters vs. Aliens.
04:52Next, don't friends of friends introduce you to new experiences?
04:56Not good ones.
04:58Blindly tagging along someplace with a friend of a friend is how Andy Vega ended up at a ditty party.
05:02Okay.
05:05That's...
05:06That's doctored.
05:07That's clearly doctored.
05:09They're good people.
05:10They're fine people.
05:11Shut up!
05:14In conclusion, the friend of my friend is my enemy.
05:18Abolish your friends' other friends.
05:19I yield my time.
05:26The political establishment will have four minutes to rebut me, and their time starts now.
05:30Now, if you abolish your friends' other friends, then you take away one of life's greatest experiences,
05:35which is when you want to cancel plans, and then your friend cancels plans on you first.
05:40And that is one of the best feelings in the world, when you don't have to go out anymore because
05:46they're out with somebody else.
05:47I guess I just think there are other reasons to cancel plans.
05:51Dude, don't clap for this.
05:54You've already been lured to the other side.
05:56I was supposed to go out with him tonight, and I canceled plans on him for this show, and he's
06:02grateful.
06:04Chandler...
06:06Yes, I mean...
06:07He makes a good point.
06:10I'm sensing that Josh wants me to ask about the hat.
06:14Well, I mean, if you insist.
06:18I actually took a job working for Andy.
06:21He's very successful, and this is my work...
06:22I made a lot of money from season one, Chandler.
06:24I have an employee now.
06:25Right.
06:25This is my work uniform.
06:27And you invested that in what could not be more than $10 prop hats?
06:32Oh, no.
06:33I found these hats in the trash.
06:36Right, because you own the trash now.
06:38You acquired trash.
06:39And that brings up a good point.
06:40You say your friend's other friend doesn't care if you live or die, but isn't that just a matter of
06:45free speech?
06:47I don't care if you live or die.
06:49I still consider you a friend of a friend.
06:53I will say that it's less about freedom of speech and more about common courtesy.
06:58You know, I just don't think...
06:59You know, I'm going to go out and say it.
07:01I think it's rude to tell someone you don't care if they live or die.
07:05I'll be controversial.
07:05I'll say it.
07:06I love that my friends have friends.
07:09Do you want people to just be alone unless they're with you?
07:13I think that you can have like a group of friends and you can hang out within that group of
07:19friends.
07:20But I just think it is so annoying to have to deal with all of these other like cobwebs of
07:26people.
07:26Think about it as well.
07:28Like when you go to a wedding, you got to meet all of these people that they've been secretly hanging
07:31out with this whole time.
07:32You think you met that person.
07:33You think you knew that person.
07:35And then there's this whole second life.
07:36You know, it feels like a betrayal.
07:38And then that wedding gets canceled?
07:40The dream.
07:41Because they're hanging out with their other friends instead of going to the wedding?
07:45Chandler, do you want me to find true and real love in this life?
07:49Yes.
07:50Okay, so then how am I supposed to do that if I don't get to ask my friends who their
07:53friend is?
07:54And if they're single and if I can go on one day with them, that goes really bad.
07:57And then I ruin the whole dynamic with the friend group.
07:59You're so selfish.
08:02The question I was going to ask is, have you ever had a good experience because of that?
08:06And then you answered my question already.
08:08So, you know, I have nothing to say.
08:10Can you go back to the picture of the blue blop?
08:12We sure can.
08:13Oh.
08:14It's my employee Josh is a single man.
08:16Sorry.
08:16I'm looking for a woman.
08:21And that's time!
08:25Our next abolitionist is a terrific stand-up comedian whose special Fixed How I Got Rejected by Reality TV is
08:32now on YouTube and TikTok.
08:33Please welcome Emily Wilson.
08:49Hi.
08:50Ladies, picture this.
08:52You're on a first date.
08:53Your first date in a long time, actually, ever since you got banned from Hinge.
08:59You're really hitting it off with this person.
09:01Vibes are good.
09:02And you ask each other about your interests, your hobbies.
09:05And what do you know?
09:06You both like to read.
09:07So you ask them what they've been reading lately.
09:10And they say something like, I don't know, A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn.
09:16They say it's really interesting and informative.
09:19And then they ask what you're reading.
09:22And you answer honestly.
09:23And you say, I'm reading a book called The Woman at the Murder of the Wedding in Lake Como last
09:30summer.
09:31Date over.
09:33Hinge ban extended.
09:34Admit.
09:36Abolish делают it.
09:37Abolish, girl innovative books.
09:39Yeah.
09:42or rather, abolish being proud of yourself for reading them.
09:48For far too long, women have been duped into reading books that actually make you more stupid after reading them.
09:56this is not literature this is internalized misogyny masquerading as an innocent pastime
10:06women are 1.5 to two times smarter than men yeah and that is according to my life experience
10:18and yet we have been tricked into only consuming this genre of divorce murder wedding porn
10:27it's like what is it do we want the life of the women in these books i know i mean
10:32hey 50 shades of
10:34gray i understand that was hot and low-key smart but we've lost the plot these protagonists are
10:43mentally ill they're awful people they're awful to their friends and family and also they like
10:51can't function unless they go to italy and we fall for it every time even though every cover of these
10:59books looks exactly the same it's just a picture of the back of a woman on a beach with a
11:05title in
11:06montserrat font or some cursive font and all the titles are the same you know the woman she used
11:15to pretend she never was or some shit it's a very easy title to replicate we could even try it
11:22ourselves the formula is just the object he she never always verb we could try it rachel um can you
11:31name
11:31an object a dog dog can you pick he or she girl girl never always always and a verb jumps
11:41okay so
11:45so we have the dog she always jumps congratulations rachel you have a new york times bestseller
11:57yeah i should also mention that another formula for creating these titles is blank lake
12:04i.e sex lake murder lake benson boone lake if men find out that this is what we're reading when
12:13we say
12:14we're reading then they're definitely gonna take our right to vote away that's right reading these books
12:20is anti-suffrage now you might be thinking well emily sometimes i just want to turn my brain off
12:29and to that i say that's fine but then you cannot say that you are reading just like people who
12:35watch
12:35love island don't call themselves cinephiles ladies to really be a reader we have to branch out
12:44we have to start reading dare i say it books written by men yeah no yeah
12:56no no no guys that's right this is six-way feminism
13:01bitch
13:04we have to start engaging with male literature
13:09or at least more reputable female literature right like agatha christie agatha christie this is
13:16true she is the third most published author in the world after the bible and shakespeare big slay aggie
13:25yeah we should read more of her look here's an excerpt from one of her books
13:29we'll zoom in a bit that was the damn part about jews
13:39you can't deceive them about money they know
13:44see already a lot more interesting than the dog who never jumps abolish being proud of reading girl
13:51books i rest my case
14:01just so you know there's like veiled anti-semitism in the dog that never jumps too guys so don't worry
14:06about that my pleasure i'm not like other girls and i don't read those books i read things like
14:16moby dick and i just fear that if we let stupid women read something else they might start reading
14:24books for stupid men you know things like the lion is the warrior what mma taught me about entrepreneurship
14:37and i think because i want to protect women that they shouldn't be forced to read those books
14:45so let me get this straight you're saying you don't want women to fight or own businesses
14:52because
14:54i think if they read that book they could be able to throw punching on a business girl
15:00now i would never come up here and say that i know how to read
15:07but being proud of reading girl books is something i do very often when i'm trying to pick
15:13up women in different countries
15:20i'm hearing a ton of people agreeing with me and i'm glad we're on track
15:23i go to the beach i take one of these girl books i put on weird little glasses they're different
15:27from
15:28my normal glasses they're much smaller and i pretend to read and i laugh and i go girl have
15:32you read this book and suddenly we are chatting it up and now we relate in one way which is
15:36that we're
15:36both banned from hinge how else will i meet someone that i love emily go on reddit i
15:44okay reddit i i can write that down for you oh yes please write that down for me josh
15:48reddit no yeah find a girl on the book about the mma man yes yes yes sir
15:58um oh i have a thing oh can you go back to uh howard zinn for a second okay now
16:06what if what if
16:07instead of that i n in the middle it was a y then instead of a cinephile you'd be a
16:14xenophile
16:19hear him out hear him out he has a point he has a point wait sorry sorry i actually really
16:23like
16:23that yeah i support that okay wait wait wait i have a catchphrase too yeah joshy dashy do
16:36what does i have to do i actually think you could be reading more girl books i think you should
16:41start
16:42there ah good starter books for you joshy joshy do if you don't like mentally ill protagonists do we
16:50we also don't like mentally ill people right is that what you're saying no because i don't like
16:56how they get exploited in fiction but what if it's the writer's lived experience that they're a
17:03fucking crazy bitch because then they're just telling the truth of their own then they have to
17:08call it a memoir they can't all be authors in the book and uh what what if it was somebody
17:16who's
17:16mentally ill and that's time thank you our next abolitionist has performed on the second city
17:26main stage in new york and the upright citizens brigade theater and has been a cast member on smush
17:30let's hear it for jacqueline ouwe hello everyone thank you for having me
17:52i am jacqueline ouwe and i am tired i am exhausted of what you ask of being lied to of
18:02being duped of
18:04being bamboozled today i want to abolish movie trailers
18:20now picture this okay it's 2016 it's friday you've been working all week at that job that under pays
18:26you okay finally it's the weekend you want to spend your hard-earned coins on a movie but you're stuck
18:33between two films mike and dave need wedding dates and an ensemble comedy that includes who who is it kevin
18:45heart yeah it's 2016 remember it's kevin heart pew pew everybody does okay you're like oh my gosh kevin
18:58heart's in it who else is in the movie hannibal burris jenny slate eric stonedrew whoo i know lake bell
19:08bobby moynihan dana carvey ellie kemper and to reiterate it is the year 2016 and the information
19:16that we currently have at present is not the information we had back then louis ck
19:23now i watched the trailer for the movie in question in theaters and i made some mental notes
19:30i have to see an opening weekend watch out vinnie they got a fast and the furious on their hands
19:38damn this studio got they foot on disney's neck
19:44haha you've done it again the movie the secret life of pets
19:52the emotional physical and spiritual whiplash that i experienced between watching the secret
20:00life of pets teaser trailer to the full-length movie i still have not gotten over
20:07this movie caused me to stop watching movie trailers in their entirety okay i do not watch
20:14them anymore because movie trailers are lies movie trailers are propaganda okay
20:19the trailer looks good of course it does andy
20:28that is what the establishment wants you to think they blow their entire load on the trailers no
20:36condom
20:39you know i thought i really thought that i was going to get a little fun movie you know that
20:43children would also be able to enjoy but it was really like for adults you know what i'm saying
20:47zootopia came out a couple months prior i was like okay it's a children's movie but it's like
20:51it's for adults you know what i'm talking about like we're talking about the police okay
20:56zootopia is for adults okay but the secret life of pets is a children's movie and i was in that
21:01theater looking like a pervert
21:05movie trailers are the best bite of a sandwich but often the movie is all crust
21:13trailers manipulate you into thinking that beloved actors will be paramount to the movie
21:20i love the sir michael kane michael kane is in tenant for five minutes the run time of tenant is
21:28two hours
21:29and 30 minutes that is 150 minutes now i did the math okay five minutes over 150 minutes equals
21:38and i get it like it sounds like i'm just mad that i spent 40 american dollars to see the
21:51secret
21:51life of pets in theaters i had popcorn
21:56but what do i actually want i want us as a society to be invested in watching art whatever
22:04that means for you the art the art of your favorite director the art of your favorite film composer
22:11the art of hearing about the fact that the leads might be a little bit off stage
22:16and you want to see if that chemistry translates to the screen okay whatever art is for you i want
22:23you to lean into that let's get back to that now i have a personal case study that i want
22:28to share
22:29before i'm done i'd never watched the dune trailer okay i'm about to show you on this next slide
22:36everything i knew about dune in a visual representation
22:55now you're about to see an image of me watching dune for the first time there are big ass worms
23:01in that
23:01movie i had no i was shocked i was surprised in conclusion the world is a mess get rid of
23:15movie
23:16trailers and get into allowing ourselves the gift of surprises the gift of reckless abandonment to go
23:23into an experience without pretense or judgment to lose ourselves in the sand lose ourselves in the spice
23:32lose ourselves in a wormhole i leave you with this quote expect nothing live frugally
23:40on surprise alice walker thank you
23:48hi uh former film student here um i think that you're watching trailers wrong not to be a bitch
23:56because um whenever i watch a movie trailer as a student of the craft i always just try and extra
24:03i
24:03always try and imagine every single possibility of the world which i've been presented and imagine
24:08things even like a worm even if there's not one in the trailer i put that into like the barbie
24:12movie
24:12even for example anytime i watch a trailer i think what could possibly happen there could be a car crash
24:16there could be a death there could be a true love you should be doing that with everything you watch
24:21and thinking critically rachel i'm so sorry i'm also a student of film that's
24:29rachel that's also what i got my degree in okay so i it was my minor i had other stuff
24:34going on because
24:35i have a really like a lot going on it was your minor yeah i was like i had a
24:43bunch of minors i just
24:44took a class i took one class because i heard it was easy and the teacher had um white dreads
24:49which i had to
24:50get a look up at close up i have a question do you hate the arts because if we put
25:00movie trailers
25:01in the garbage bin then do you know how many um acoustic bands who do covers of popular songs that
25:08are like one piano that's like ding ding and then and then a woman's wistful voice is like
25:18storming through the party like my name was el nino and it then you're like oh it's a song i
25:27know
25:27there's like a whole cottage industry of those shitty bands and you're gonna put them all out of work
25:34damn thank you
25:38so you're saying i'm you called them do you hate the arts because you
25:47you called them shitty you said they're shitty i didn't say the bands in the trailers
25:51that i didn't even talk the genre name okay okay i'm a little concerned because to me movie trailers
26:00serve a very particular purpose which is to occupy the minds of marvel fans and keep them in an area
26:07away from us and really making sure that they do not become weebs
26:17i fear once we eliminate movie trailers they're on the path to weebdom are you comfortable with that
26:23honestly i am comfortable with it america's kind of crazy right now like i'll take some
26:28weebs over what's going on outside right now you know
26:30okay speaking of what's going on in the world right now we are living in the age of web 2
26:38.0
26:40and people are on tick tock they're on reels they don't have time to watch a whole movie anymore
26:47i would argue that a trailer should be the whole movie and that's why everything should be given away
26:54in the trailer that some people are only going to watch the trailer so if the trailer goes away
27:00that's half the audience who's ever going to the absolutely also think about this it was the
27:05secret life of pets would you be more interested if it was the regular life of guys and that's time
27:12our next abolitionist is a three-time emmy-nominated comedian and writer give it up for ashton womash
27:27what up what up what up fix this what up gang uh my name is ashton womack as you can
27:34see and i am
27:35here to talk about something very important to my heart i want to abolish white history
27:45yeah yeah that's that's how i thought you'd respond thank you
27:52for years y'all scream like dei and like we got uh we got woke and we got to get
27:57rid of black history
27:58so i feel like it's only right i do the same starting with our number one first person out
28:03of here white history going with taylor swift uh yeah well all right not the response i was expecting but
28:15i was gonna say it hurts but clearly you guys are race traders i don't uh
28:19i don't know what happened there uh we'll just keep going number two boy pythagoras this a
28:25nigga pythagoras this nigga gotta go you gotta go pythagoras i'm sorry you invented triangles no you
28:33didn't uh no you didn't you mean to tell me it wasn't a around before him being like
28:40hey hey y'all come look at this hey look at this shit nigga look at this what no nick
28:47all right
28:49i don't you mean to tell me these niggas just was was freestyling uh next up off the list we
28:56but we abolishing uh half of drake uh i gotta go has to go um
29:06um i feel like that's the side that that sues uh i feel like black people we we squabble up
29:13all
29:13right he that guy lawyered up uh but next thing out of white history we are abolishing it will be
29:21the office uh oh no no i feel the reluctant claps on that one that felt good yeah we're getting
29:30rid of
29:30the office we're getting rid of friends we're replacing it yeah good oh y'all win me i like
29:35that good we all are gonna like this because we're replacing all that footage with just footage of
29:39the alabama bro ball uh that's it'll be nine seasons of just that uh all right next up we got
29:49rachel dolezal uh now but you're you're clapping you're clapping but actually she stays uh it's it's it's
29:59funny now i guess it's kind of funny i don't want her to go we'll continue uh eliminating from white
30:05history we're taking out uh the roman empire you now have to go we're done with the roman empire
30:14i can't hear anymore my bro bro bro bro bro bro bro this was his right hand man that was
30:20his right
30:20stab his right brawl caesar now caesar got killed by his right hand man i don't care
30:25i don't care also you know what they don't tell you they tell you brutus killed caesar you know
30:30what they don't tell you they don't tell you caesar
30:33fucked brutus's mom all right here uh they just conveniently live that leave there's like
30:39brutus killed caesar well well caesar fucked his mom so i'd kill the nigga too all right uh
30:47anyway none of that matters anymore because it's gone um and finally the last piece of white history
30:52we're getting rid of uh we're getting rid of all of it but these are these are just like what
30:57we're
30:57starting off with we're getting rid of the guy who shot trump because he missed and
31:08i got i got i gotta live with that every day now i gotta live with that what if scenario
31:14because he missed now i'm up at night like damn what what if he would have just aimed a little
31:20bit further
31:21you know but that's my uh pitch to the gang abolish white history uh thank you
31:32now i want to see you uh be against that you're racist yeah it's an honor to defend white history
31:36as the premise of this show
31:40are you worried because i am so worried as in this within this show about the taylor swift
31:48vacuum that will arise once she just disappears i mean you know we got like sabrina carpenter and
31:53like uh charlie xcx and then like the other girl who dresses like a marionette doll what's her name
31:58uh y'all got her i feel like y'all be good i'll be straight y'all be high is
32:06there a mechanics you
32:07think they're fighting over the the position here of who's gonna get taylor swift's jet
32:11what uh what mechanic like the the pilot mechanic well i'm just curious about the mechanics abolish
32:17taylor swift where does she go okay where does her money go oh to the shadow realm see there's gonna
32:21be we're gonna oh you're asking where oh we're going to like a pocket universe like oh it's gonna
32:30be the same place you ever take your files and you drag them and then you go to the trash
32:34can and you
32:34press delete wherever that is that is where white history will go it's the digital ether and until
32:43we're ready to download it again until now ashton you've created something of a paradox here because
32:51you're arguing to abolish white history and yet you just taught us that thing about brutus listen so i
33:00would say you're kind of arguing for the abolishment of you and that's racist
33:19nicole i will gladly be racist uh now if i had a genie i'd wish all the white knowledge out
33:25of my
33:25head right now i would have never shared that if it was y'all put that y'all put that
33:29info in my head
33:30i went to a white school that uh i didn't ask for that info uh it was taught to me
33:35by you want to
33:36know who a latina woman but uh spiritually i felt like a white man but uh also this guy has
33:43an abraham
33:44lincoln hat that's going too uh so you mentioned getting rid of the uh the office yes i did now
33:52what
33:53am i gonna do if somebody does something so crazy that i got a gym face towards the camera
34:02that is a good question that is a good question and there will be listen we're gonna
34:07y'all know how uh jesus is now white that's a that's a black trait now looking at the looking
34:14at
34:14the camera like jim black people do that that's actually so anything we like from white people we're
34:20gonna just culturally appropriate uh all right no no no we keep that we keep that yeah paul wall
34:27is staying i didn't write anything down because you said that's about taylor swift and i got so mad
34:31that i almost punched through a table and started shooting everyone in the room i was gonna contribute
34:38to white history in a new fresh way i love her oh my god it would be the first mass
34:47shooting now that
34:48abolished uh uh white history has been abolished uh happy to leave the front oh
34:55i don't want to kill you guys i don't want to kill you guys but ashton but ashton the people
34:59clamor
35:00yeah nicole tell me what if tony hawk oh fuck oh what's the meme i'm sorry brother
35:10are we cutting drake in half this way or that yeah is it gonna be a hamburger or a hot
35:17dog situation
35:18oh that's i i will actually take suggestions on that uh i'm gonna be honest he leaked his dick pic
35:25ladies it'll be for the just bottom half only uh please and if we're getting rid of half
35:30of drake what about other mixed race guys just curious are you ready for your final abolitionist
35:47you know our final abolitionist from saturday night live and his sketch group please don't destroy
35:52put your hands together for martin herlihy
36:05abolish bugs
36:09and also and also and also the way people react when you say you haven't seen the shawshank redemption
36:20but more specifically flies and mosquitoes
36:27why did i choose to abolish these things well i'll tell you i was at a park hang and i
36:32had two big
36:33fucking problems
36:37one problem was bugs
36:41these dumb little fuckers they were acting like i brought my hell of a good french onion dip for them
36:47to eat not the case bugs the other problem was how someone reacted when i said i'd never seen the
36:57shawshank redemption oh oh you you haven't seen shawshank oh you haven't seen shock first of all
37:08call the movie called the movie by its full name shawshank you're not friends with the movie
37:17okay yes thank you oh second of all why why are you stunned at this it's not surprising that i
37:26haven't seen that movie it came out before i was born and it looks boring as shit oh
37:33two two shut the fuck up i will fucking fight you i will fucking fight all of you oh my
37:40god
37:42two guys become friends in jail oh wow oh wow oh that sounds fascinating to me
37:52not
37:55why would i watch a movie where tim robbins plays a guy who makes a friend in jail
38:00when i could watch one of the hundreds of movies where michelle rodriguez plays a a smoking hot
38:06badass chick who can actually totally hang with the fellas
38:14but i have to watch a movie about two guys who become friends in jail no thank you
38:21i'd rather let a snapping turtle bite my fucking penis off
38:28shawshank the the shawshank redemption is two hours and
38:34don't you i'll fucking take all of you i'll fucking fight all of you
38:43with two hours and 22 minutes you could alternatively watch the entire movie uh ice age
38:52yeah and this 56 minute long video of office bloopers
39:01and yet you'd rather i watch a movie that does not feature the misadventures of scrap
39:09go go fuck yourself literally go fuck yourself
39:14no thank you okay i'd rather let my whole body get crushed by a snow plow jeremy renner style
39:22oh oh are his friends here tonight
39:26fuck all of you
39:30speaking of jeremy renner my king
39:33it is honestly more surprising that i have not seen the movie tag
39:38the premise seems right up my alley cast equals stacked there's no question of this
39:45and it was it came out when i was alive
39:51also human beings have been around for 300 000 years okay bugs have been around for 480 million years
40:00you have had your time to shine bugs you have had your moment in the sun bugs
40:08and don't you fucking tell me we can't get rid of bugs it's impossible science must be capable of
40:15getting rid of bugs you're telling me we shot katy perry into space
40:21but sometimes i still gotta be in my kitchen like
40:29but what about pollination shut the fuck up that's why i included the part about mosquitoes and flies
40:36dipshit mosquitoes and flies don't do jack
40:40shit for you or anyone you know mosquitoes more like must quit biting my fucking legs
40:50yeah cut that
40:54mosquitoes only wish to harm you in your way of life
40:58hmm hmm who does that remind you of hmm
41:09the mosquito has the same vibe and unfortunately anti-american grind set
41:15as the late not not so great osama bin laden flies are a little better right
41:24but you can tell they're always up to something because they're always going like this
41:33flies are always hitting the jack harlow
41:41flies have an evil terrible plot hmm
41:44hmm who else was the architect of an evil terrible plot frank darabont the guy who wrote the shawshank
41:54redemption
42:00so in conclusion i may have some issues with anger
42:06but also fuck bugs fuck that movie and fuck his gen z ass middle part i yield my time
42:21do you know who won't react at all when you tell them that you haven't seen the shawshank redemption
42:27a bug
42:30they are your friends in what fucking way man
42:35they might be planning a surprise party for you those fries
42:42i actually know for a fact those flies were planning a surprise party for you
42:48i wouldn't even want to go to their surprise party because the hats would be too small
42:53the hats would be bug size
42:58and i just want to say you said it was bad to call the movie shawshank because it's not my
43:03friend
43:05well um what if i want it to be my friend
43:10oh well then josh you can call it whatever you please
43:14hooray i have a question i'm somebody who my only personality trait is that i've never seen the
43:20wire and i love the attention that i get when people are like you've never seen the wire
43:25what's gonna happen to me if that reaction goes away well nothing because i'm just talking about the
43:31shawshank redemption
43:34well tell me tell me that you've never seen shawshank redemption and see what happens
43:38i've never seen the shawshank redemption hey man that's no problem no problem man so boring what
43:43would we talk about like i want to die there's like it's the end of our friendship basically
43:46because you don't even know if i care about you at all if i'm mad that you haven't seen shawshank
43:51redemption it's because i've got your back man and i want you to have a really rich fulfilling life
43:57if i don't care then what's the point of us even knowing each other
44:06thank you rachel yeah i've got your back i'm gonna be a hundred percent real with you with you right
44:11now until this moment i think in my head i thought shawshank redemption and schindler's list were the
44:16same movie so this feels anti-semitic to me
44:24i would say it's pro-semitic and i'm not going to explain that any further
44:31also without osama bin laden we don't have my character woke sama bin pronouns
44:41and can you give us a taste of him yeah yeah um i would love to meet him
44:47knock knock
44:51hey baby
44:52uh he him uh
44:59or they them 11 whatever
45:03you gotta open the door still no the door's closed the door's closed door's close
45:07nobody's on
45:12you and your wife and we'll dump you in the ocean that's what they did my bisexual life
45:21can we get all of our abolitionists back up to the stage give it up one more time for emily
45:28wilson
45:30jacqueline ue ashton womack and martin herlihy so here is how this is going to work i'm going to
45:39go through each of the topics that were abolished tonight and you can cheer for as many people as
45:43you like the topic that gets the loudest cheers uh will receive uh this comically obvious counterfeit
45:49sack of cash and an invitation to our world championship season finale and we are going to
45:54determine this of course by a proprietary piece of abolish everything technology the cheerometer 3000
46:04so without further ado um who thinks that we should abolish being proud of reading girl books
46:21who thinks that we should abolish movie trailers
46:33who thinks that we should abolish white history
46:44the federalist society is going to clip just that part of the show um and who thinks that we
46:51should abolish bugs and also how people react when you tell them that you've not seen shawshank
46:56redemption and also specifically mosquitoes and flies
47:05all right in the words of sean connery ashton martin please step forward congratulations once again to
47:13jacqueline and emily
47:18okay who thinks that we should abolish white history
47:28and who thinks we should abolish bugs in the reaction of not seeing shawshank
47:39all right
47:41my friends we have abolished bugs and also the way that people react when you say that you haven't
47:47seen shawshank redemption specifically mosquitoes and flies
47:54congratulations to martin hurley
47:59give it up one more time for all of our abolitionists
48:05a hearty fuck you to our panel
48:11and thank you for watching on nebula
48:16we'll see you next time good night most of that presentation was you saying that breakups are bad
48:22it didn't get into the weird race shit until the last slide and like honestly it wasn't weird
48:29so
48:54it's
48:55so
48:55it's
48:58it's
48:59it's
48:59it's
49:00it's
49:02it's
49:02it's
49:08it's
49:09it's
49:09it's
49:09it's
49:12it's
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