- 11 hours ago
Abolish Everything - Season 2 - Episode 02
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00:06In New York City's Storied Underground, our radical movement gathers again.
00:11I was expecting the Twin Towers to have twin tatas.
00:17That's good.
00:19Our mission? To liberate society from its gravest, stupidest ills.
00:24Our secondary mission? To prove Nebula does more than educational content
00:28with a show that actively makes you dumber.
00:30In just a moment, four brave abolitionists will face off against each other
00:34in the political establishment.
00:36Their goal? To win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar sign on it
00:41and an invitation to our World Championship season finale.
00:44But to do it, they'll need to convince the crowd on the other side of this curtain.
00:49This is the fight of our lives.
00:51This is the future we've been waiting for.
00:55This is Abolish Everything.
01:07Tonight's abolitionists, Sean McGowan, Alex Krokus,
01:14Sarah Smallwood Parsons, and Sabrina Wu.
01:24Thank you so much for watching Abolish Everything.
01:27I'm your host, Chandler Dean.
01:31Before we begin, I am ashamed and disgusted,
01:34yet required by our twisted system to introduce the political establishment.
01:40Rachel Koster.
01:43Dan Toomey.
01:46John Marco Cerezi.
01:51And Chief Justice of the political establishment, Andy Vega.
01:56Look at these people.
01:58These are the four hottest young Republicans we could find at CPAC.
02:02I am out of competition, but I will be delivering this evening's first testimony.
02:06Are you ready to abolish everything?
02:10Then, without further ado, my time starts now.
02:14My friends, there is something to be said about the value of generosity with no expectation
02:19of reciprocity.
02:21What separates us from the animals is our capacity to give to each other, even when we don't immediately
02:27see how it might benefit us.
02:28That is why we need to abolish the tiny little cups they give you at certain restaurants when
02:33you ask for water.
02:40I am more thirsty than that.
02:45First of all, in what situation would I ever need this amount of water?
02:50If a fire breaks out in Whoville, grow up.
02:54Second, before you even get the water cup, you have to suffer the indignity of the cashier
03:00reaching past the perfectly good normal cups to the shitty little corner where they keep
03:07the poor people cups.
03:09And then, like their Steve Jobs revealing the iPod Nano, pull out the smallest cup that
03:17the world's cup engineers have been able to produce.
03:20The economists in the room, and we typically have about 70, will tell me, Chandler, obviously
03:26they are doing this to incentivize you to buy soda.
03:29To this I ask, what are the margins of this establishment that you have to implement Soviet-style
03:37rationing of a resource that most of us get out of a hole in our apartment for free?
03:44They don't trust me.
03:45What do they think I'm going to do with the awesome power of a regular cup?
03:51Oh no, what if he steals soda?
03:54I do pretty well for myself.
03:56I can afford soda.
03:59If my wife lets me put it on the joint card.
04:04Chandler, just ask for a refill.
04:07You want me going up to the counter begging for a handout like I'm Oliver the damn orphan?
04:13And by the time I do get up there, I am both disoriented and parched.
04:17So when I try to croak out my request, they got my ass sounding like Joe Biden when he's
04:22been out in the sun for too long.
04:25Excuse me, ma'am.
04:27We got a problem in America.
04:29Didn't get enough water, now I'm a thirsty boy.
04:32The Republicans won't tell you they got more water back there.
04:36But they don't want to give it to you and me.
04:38They want to give it to the fat cats on Wall Street.
04:42Not a joke.
04:42I could do this for the rest of the night.
04:45But we have to move on.
04:50Now look, you might think that this is fine.
04:53You can live with cups this size.
04:55But do you really believe it's going to stop here?
04:58They're going to keep pushing us until we show them we're not going to take it anymore.
05:02You ever see one of these bad boys?
05:06That's what's coming next.
05:07Try to put this on a table.
05:09It's disastrous.
05:11Or hey, who says that this cup only has to have ketchup in it?
05:16If we give them an inch, they'll take that inch and fill it with water.
05:22Abolish the tiny little cups that give you a certain restaurant.
05:24When you ask for water, I yield my time.
05:28The political establishment will have the opportunity to rebut me and their time starts now.
05:32I'm sure it goes without saying, I spent a lot of time in Europe.
05:36And I will tell you, that cup of water is all the water you need.
05:43Your American tastes have made you think that you need large portions.
05:48And you don't.
05:49And I will tell you, when you start insulting that cone cup, which by the way, water has never tasted
05:55better than out of that cone cup.
05:57You say, oh, you can't put it down.
05:59Let me ask you this.
06:00How many rings from cups are at your table at home?
06:05Because I'm going to guess you can't even see the table anymore.
06:10And it's better than spilling the water all over the place, which is exactly what those office cups do.
06:15I think you're just trying to get us to go into the office.
06:18It's all a return to office scheme because that's where those cups populate.
06:23I had to show up to the shoot today.
06:27Well, and I know it was extremely laborious.
06:29It's that European work day, five hours that Judd Marcos had to be here.
06:34I was just going to say, I go to Europe a lot.
06:36It's my favorite country.
06:37And some people have really tiny pipes.
06:43My throat is the diameter of half a penny.
06:47About a pen.
06:49So maybe some people like getting served a tiny little cup so they don't feel like an outcast with a
06:54tiny little weird throat.
06:56Have you thought about that, Chandler?
06:58No, bet you didn't.
06:59I would suggest, Andy, that if this is the case, you simply take a regular cup and don't slurp it
07:05down as fast as you possibly can.
07:07What else am I supposed to do with that kind of cup?
07:09Sip!
07:10Chandler, space is finite in case you didn't freaking know.
07:13FYI.
07:14And if a restaurant is only a certain size, they have to have small cups so they can have as
07:18many as they possibly want so they can feed more people water.
07:21You would rob hundreds of people the opportunity to drink water at an establishment at the same time as their
07:26friends because you want the cups bigger.
07:28And then they don't have enough room for so few cups because the cups are so huge and large.
07:33You're so greedy, it makes me nauseous.
07:36I need a tiny cup of water right now.
07:38I don't know.
07:39No, I'm sorry.
07:40Why aren't you using a non-disposable bottle for your water?
07:44Mmm.
07:45Why do you hate the environment so?
07:48The restaurants are not letting you bring in your own cup and fill it like it's 7-Eleven free cup
07:54day, okay?
07:55I exist in this system.
07:57I'm working with the cups that they have.
07:58And Rachel, I don't know what restaurants you're going to where the doors are bursting open because they have so
08:04many cups that they can't fit anything else.
08:06Yeah, you know why?
08:07Because they're giving you the small cups.
08:09Exactly.
08:10They have both.
08:11I'm saying get rid of the small cups.
08:13There will be fewer cups at that point.
08:14Chandler Dean Mamdani.
08:19Inshallah.
08:19I'll have you know that my father made his millions off the tiny cup business, specifically the tiny little clan
08:26hat ones.
08:28And it was his dream to create a cup tiny enough that you could identify which people in the restaurant
08:34were poor.
08:35Now, you mean to tell me that my father's legacy was built on a lie?
08:41I'm going to go out on a huge limb here and say I do not support the man who made
08:46cups based on Ku Klux Klan robes, which you said.
08:49And I was like, we are not going to let that go.
08:52It's recycling.
08:54You said the thing that separates us from animals is how we can give to other people.
08:59And you know what?
09:00That's not it.
09:01It's we shit indoors.
09:04Chandler, the idea that you are not using these cups to steal soda is unbelievable to me.
09:12Even if you could afford it, I think you'd do it for, it seems like the only crime you'd be
09:17brave enough to commit.
09:18And that's time!
09:21Are you ready for your first abolitionist of the day?
09:25All right.
09:27Our next abolitionist has written for Click Hole, The Onion, and Jackbox Games.
09:31Please welcome Sean McGowan.
09:40It started when I was a boy.
09:43My father enrolled me in schooling.
09:46His reasoning being that I should learn some of the numbers that there are.
09:52Perhaps you are familiar with some of these numbers as well.
09:55Well, I'm talking about numbers like one, two, three, four, and even six.
10:21Aren't I forgetting something?
10:24No.
10:25It is time to abolish the number five.
10:35Since the beginning of time, numbers have been one of the best ways to know how much of something there
10:41is.
10:43Numbers have inherent meaning.
10:46Three is a magic number, a holy trinity seen over and over again in religious iconography and ancient texts.
10:55Four, of course, is an elemental number, the cycle of nature, the four seasons.
11:00Cold wet.
11:02Wet.
11:04Hot wet.
11:06And the old pig egg.
11:10And six, of course, the number of friends in the hit TV show.
11:14Friends.
11:16Numbers are the language of harmony, of beauty, of the universe itself.
11:21But five.
11:24Five is hideous.
11:27Five is Adam Levine's merry band of music makers.
11:33The five maroons.
11:37Five is the number of dice in Yahtzee, a dullards game that only is played in rented beach houses when
11:43it's raining out.
11:46Because what else are you going to do?
11:48Read the single, tattered copy of the Tom Clancy novel that's there?
11:54What has five sides?
11:56The Pentagon.
11:59Who has five fingers on each hand?
12:02Casey Anthony.
12:06Among others.
12:09Five is a brand of gum whose commercials were always thinly veiled fetish content.
12:17Five is the worst possible configuration of people to be in when you're walking down a narrow sidewalk.
12:30And you are the lone straggler forced to sweatily engage in the conversation in front of you.
12:36And the people in front of you are never the people in the group you actually want to be talking
12:39to.
12:39You want to be talking to the people in the front pair because you can hear them having the time
12:44of their lives.
12:47They're saying things like,
12:49If only someone in this group knew a lot about Jeff Probst.
12:55And you just re-read Jeff Probst's Wikipedia page.
12:59Can you believe there's no controversy section?
13:08Five is the Beatles.
13:10If they added Adam Levine.
13:14Completely abolishing the number five from society sounds difficult.
13:18It isn't.
13:19In fact, it's solved by a simple plan that I like to call...
13:22Move it up one.
13:25For the Olympics five rings logo, we can add another ring.
13:28One that better represents the Olympics.
13:31Michelle Kwan's Facebook profile picture.
13:35And while we're rebranding, add a slogan.
13:37The Olympics.
13:39Let's ruin a city to see if the guy who's best at throwing a javelin is still the same guy.
13:47Now I concede, sometimes the number five is going to be unavoidable.
13:51In these instances, I recommend replacing the number five with an equivalent value.
13:58Instead of saying,
14:00My son is five years old.
14:02You can say,
14:04My son is the starting lineup for the Utah Jazz years old.
14:09Such a fun age.
14:13And normal, everyday sentences like,
14:17I got into five different car accidents today.
14:20Becomes,
14:21The number of car accidents I got into today
14:24Is the number of friends and friends.
14:25Minus Ross.
14:28Also, I think I have a concussion.
14:32And with that,
14:34I turn to the four,
14:35Four members of the political establishment,
14:37And I yield my time.
14:44Sean.
14:45Yes.
14:46Sean, let me ask you this.
14:47How tall are you?
14:50Uh.
14:55Sixty-six inches.
15:05What's this?
15:07That's the starting lineup for the Utah Jazz.
15:09Are you insane?
15:10No.
15:10If you abolish five,
15:11There are no more starting lineups for basketball teams.
15:15There's no more math.
15:16There's no more communications.
15:18The healthcare system falls into an abyss.
15:20You're trying to destroy the world we have created to live in as people.
15:25So many people will die or not be able to play basketball.
15:28We have five fingers.
15:30We have five toes.
15:31We have five senses.
15:32Two plus two equals five.
15:34I have five testicles.
15:36There are things that you cannot change about this world.
15:39High fives.
15:40Five star.
15:40Fiver.
15:41Five of beans.
15:42Fifth element.
15:43We can move all those up.
15:45One.
15:45Mambo number six.
15:46I'm going to jump off a room.
15:48I'm sorry.
15:50What the fuck is a six-a-bean?
15:52Oh.
15:55The Sixth Sense is a great movie.
15:57How will you know what to take
15:58When you're in a fight with your friends at a hangout
16:02And things are getting really intense
16:04And you just kind of want to restore peace
16:07Amongst the people that you love more than anyone in the world.
16:10What will you take then?
16:12You need to take five.
16:13Okay, what's wrong with six here?
16:15I just got to move it up one.
16:16I don't got that kind of time.
16:17That's why I got two watches.
16:18One's New York time.
16:19The other's Vermont.
16:22Do you know what it tastes like to two four gum?
16:25No.
16:26Do you know what it's like to two six gum?
16:28No.
16:28But this is what it's like to two five gum.
16:32Sean, I was born at the age of five.
16:34We know who likes the fetish content.
16:36Sean, first off, thank you for dressing up for this.
16:39I want to let you know
16:40I was born at the age of five
16:41And my mom died immediately.
16:43So it's a special number for me.
16:44Now, are you shaming the number five
16:47Because it has a beautiful belly
16:49Underneath its fun little hat?
16:51Fatphobic.
16:52Wow.
16:52Are you being fatphobic, Sean?
16:54Against the number five?
16:55The number five is a mock
16:56It's basically just a two flipped a little bit.
16:59It's unoriginal.
17:00But it means so much more.
17:02Three more.
17:05I'm sorry.
17:05If you think this upside down two
17:07Looks like a five
17:08You are insane.
17:09This is a bird trying to get into a jet turbine.
17:14Who is six going to walk with
17:15Because they're scared of seven?
17:18That's not even a joke.
17:19It's four, six, seven, eight.
17:21Six needs more than four to walk by seven.
17:23Do you know what seven did?
17:25Do you know what seven did?
17:26Do you know what seven did?
17:27Do you know what seven did?
17:27No, no, say it.
17:28Say what seven did.
17:29I am not here to comment on the allegations on seven.
17:32They're not allegations.
17:33You know what sex is with seven did.
17:34They're not allegations.
17:35You are on seven's list.
17:36Admit it.
17:36That photo of me with the number seven
17:38Was taken a long time ago.
17:39I knew that was fucking you.
17:41I knew that was you.
17:42It was on Sesame Street.
17:43Without five,
17:44How will my boyfriend know
17:45How much time sex is supposed to take?
17:47And that's time.
17:48That's time.
17:50Our next abolitionist is a cartoonist
17:52Whose debut graphic novel
17:53Talking to My Father's Ghost
17:55Is available everywhere right now.
17:57Give it up for Alex Krokus.
18:09Folks, it's time to abolish cover letters.
18:15I thought we were all on the same page with this,
18:17but every job listing I see still asks for them,
18:20so here we are.
18:22Anyway, the cover letter.
18:25It's degrading, it's insincere,
18:27and it's a big waste of everyone's time.
18:30Again, cover letters, historically,
18:33are a way to tell your employer
18:35what you're all about, right?
18:38Right?
18:38But if you're doing it correctly,
18:41a good cover letter should showcase
18:43none of that.
18:47Applicants with cover letters
18:49can be broken down into three categories.
18:52One, we have the perfect candidate, right?
18:54Otherwise known as a rock star,
18:58the perfect candidate is overflowing
19:00with passion for data entry cloud solutions LLC.
19:04This person literally doesn't exist.
19:08So let's move on to candidate two.
19:11The career romantic.
19:12This is if a yes man
19:15and a pick-me girl had a baby.
19:17They've always dreamed of working
19:19in an accounting firm.
19:20They're a nerd.
19:22They've always been a nerd.
19:23And they absolutely do not fuck.
19:28Third, we have the liar.
19:31This is most applicants
19:33and likely the entirety
19:35of tonight's audience.
19:36Including me.
19:37We don't want to lie,
19:39but we kind of have to.
19:42These are people who claim
19:44they admire the mission
19:45when in reality,
19:46they just need dental insurance
19:47before the infection in their teeth
19:49spreads to their bones.
19:51Cover letters are a scam.
19:53It's homework for a job
19:55that you don't have yet.
19:56And now it's not even homework
19:58that you write yourself
19:59because let's be honest,
20:02all cover letters are written by AI.
20:05But all cover letters
20:07are read with AI too.
20:09So what we have is a robot
20:12writing to another robot
20:14while you sit there
20:16unemployed in the middle,
20:19bong in hand,
20:20covered in crumbs.
20:24Something.
20:25Anyway,
20:26if corporations
20:27are just using ATS software
20:30to scan for keywords,
20:32why not just skip the whole thing,
20:35just have the robots
20:37to talk to each other
20:38and they can shake
20:39their little clanker hands
20:40and let the humans
20:42judge each other
20:43on human merit.
20:45They say a good cover letter
20:47checks every box
20:48in the machine's protocol.
20:50That's called
20:51a meritocracy.
20:53A system that rewards people
20:55purely based on ability
20:56and performance.
20:58Sounds fair, right?
20:59Right?
21:00Wrong!
21:00Wrong!
21:02You shouldn't ask for this
21:05because odds are
21:06you're not the best
21:07at anything.
21:09Why would you want this?
21:11But maybe,
21:12just maybe,
21:14you're a really good hang.
21:17And for you,
21:19may I suggest
21:20the system of
21:22nepotism.
21:24That's what I like to hear.
21:26It's an egalitarian model
21:27where you don't need
21:28to be the best candidate,
21:30just the one
21:30that somebody likes enough
21:32to get a drink with
21:33after work.
21:35But some may be asking,
21:36Alex,
21:38without cover letters,
21:39how will we know
21:40who's serious
21:41about the job?
21:42Well, idiot,
21:43that's what the resume
21:45and interview is for.
21:46You lie about
21:47your accomplishments
21:48on the resume
21:49and then you stick
21:50the landing
21:50in the interview.
21:52This,
21:52this is the world
21:54that I'm fighting for.
21:55A cover letter free society
21:58where robots
21:59don't decide
22:00your future.
22:02And the most important
22:04hiring metric
22:05isn't whether or not
22:06you're the best machine
22:08or computer.
22:09It's whether
22:10you're a human
22:11who is fun
22:12and brings Molly
22:14to the holiday party.
22:16I rescind my time.
22:18Abolish cover letters.
22:24To whom am I concerned?
22:28Would you prefer
22:29that we were judging
22:31like people that
22:33what if instead
22:34of a cover letter
22:34you send in a picture
22:35of yourself?
22:36That would be worse
22:36because I don't know
22:37anything about you
22:38from a picture.
22:39But if you wrote me
22:40a cover letter
22:41then I would get to know you
22:42in the most amazing way
22:43because I would see
22:44your personality shine
22:45and flourish.
22:47Right now,
22:47I don't know anything
22:48about you
22:48but this could easily
22:49have been rectified
22:50if you had sent in a letter
22:51before you got here
22:52so I could know.
22:53But now,
22:54I don't know
22:54if I even really
22:55want you around.
22:57I fucking knew
22:58you people
22:58were going to say this.
23:01Seeing all the things
23:03AI is capable of
23:04I'm starting to wonder
23:05why we should
23:06hire any human beings
23:07at all.
23:08Yeah.
23:09I think you got your wish
23:10there will be
23:10no more cover letters
23:11because there will be
23:12no more jobs.
23:13So,
23:14you agree with me?
23:16Yeah,
23:16you should keep
23:17jacking off
23:17or whatever, man.
23:18I think that we should
23:20all keep jacking off.
23:22You can jack off
23:23to cover letters.
23:23That's what I do.
23:25I want an employee
23:26who doesn't need to ask
23:27should I jack off again.
23:28I want one that
23:29takes the initiative.
23:32All right,
23:32to your point,
23:34Rachel,
23:35a picture is worth
23:36a thousand words
23:37and it is also
23:39often much better
23:41to jack off to.
23:42That's not the saying.
23:45That's not the whole thing.
23:45You should have done it already.
23:46You should come into
23:47your boss's office
23:48and be like,
23:48hey,
23:49I jacked off
23:50this many times.
23:51You need to show
23:52quantifiable data
23:53that you're doing
23:54a good job
23:54jacking off outside
23:55while the robots
23:56are doing your job.
23:56I don't need to,
23:57I shouldn't have to
23:58write on a piece of paper
23:59how many times
24:00I've jacked off.
24:01I want to walk
24:01into the job
24:02and say,
24:04sir,
24:05I'm a woman
24:07in this scenario.
24:08Wow.
24:09Wow.
24:10Why would you assume that?
24:11Things aren't looking
24:12good for me.
24:13Wow.
24:14And you took the mic
24:15out of the stand.
24:16That's embarrassing.
24:18Well,
24:19you failed the interview.
24:20Let's see if we have
24:20a testament to your character
24:21and your cover.
24:22Oh,
24:23you didn't write one.
24:24You didn't have one.
24:24Wow.
24:25You never have one.
24:26Well,
24:26we just got straight
24:27to the point
24:28and I shouldn't have the job
24:30and I didn't have to write
24:31a cover letter
24:32to get here.
24:33Do you think
24:34that your resume
24:34really like
24:35explains the whole you?
24:37Because if I only
24:39got your resume,
24:39then I wouldn't
24:40like want to invite you in
24:41because I would just
24:42be seeing dates
24:43and things that you've done.
24:44But if I read about you,
24:46then I'm so intrigued
24:48and like I just can't wait
24:49to like get to know you
24:49and like maybe go out
24:51for lunch
24:51and get a sandwich.
24:52But without a cover letter,
24:54there's no sandwich.
24:55There's no connection
24:56and there's no us.
24:58There's no sandwich.
24:58So,
24:59I've never had a job FYI.
25:04I just get it
25:05based on like vibes.
25:06It sounds like
25:07you're conflating
25:08a job interview
25:09with just like
25:10going on a date.
25:11Again,
25:12I've never had a job,
25:12guys.
25:13Legit,
25:13I grew up rich.
25:15To be fair,
25:16an interview
25:16is a lot like a date
25:17and a lot of dates
25:19wind up being successful
25:21without the cover letter.
25:23Not all of them,
25:24but...
25:25Has there ever been a job
25:26that you didn't apply for
25:27because it required you
25:29to write a cover letter?
25:31Yes.
25:32Exactly.
25:32You didn't want
25:33the job enough
25:35and that's the point
25:36of the cover letter
25:37in the first...
25:37The job didn't want me enough.
25:38You're right.
25:39That's why they're taking
25:39multiple interviews.
25:41of other people.
25:43I would much rather
25:45have a long,
25:47never-ending series
25:48of interviews
25:48than me having to...
25:50Don't worry,
25:50it seems like you are
25:51on the path
25:52for just that.
25:53That's time!
25:57I am looking at
25:58the lineup
25:59and there is something
26:00unusual here.
26:02I'm just going to go with it
26:04because that's just
26:05what it says on the paper.
26:05Our next abolitionist
26:07is one of YouTube's
26:09leading conspiracy theorists
26:11and their deal
26:13with Nebula
26:13is pending.
26:15So I guess
26:16give it up for
26:17Dr. Jimbo Rattail.
26:37Hello.
26:40I'm Dr. Jimbo Rattail.
26:43You might know me
26:44from my YouTube show
26:46The Truth!
26:47And I'm here today
26:49because on my show
26:51I disprove the existence
26:54of cryptids
26:56like Bigfoot.
26:59And I would like you
27:01to abolish
27:03the cryptozoology community
27:07for spreading lies
27:08about mythical creatures
27:09that do not exist.
27:18And also for
27:19kicking me out.
27:24That's right,
27:25they kick me out
27:25because I don't believe
27:27in cryptids
27:27like Bigfoot
27:29or the Loch Ness Monster.
27:33She ain't real.
27:36You know what is real?
27:39The Loch Test Monster.
27:43Basically exactly the same
27:45as the Loch Ness Monster
27:46but it's got some
27:47big old ta-tas.
27:51Capable of dragging
27:52a man underwater
27:53and crushing his skull.
27:56And that's the truth!
28:00But the crypto community
28:02don't believe my theories.
28:04Calling them
28:05too stupid
28:06even for us.
28:09And just existing cryptids
28:11but a little bit dumber.
28:15And don't stand so close
28:17to me Jimbo
28:17you smell like sweaty leather.
28:21But really?
28:22They're just afraid of
28:24say it with me now.
28:25The truth!
28:27You got it.
28:29Another example
28:30of a cryptid
28:31that ain't real.
28:32The Moth Man.
28:36You know what is real?
28:39The Man Moth.
28:44Basically the Moth Man.
28:46But he mansplains crypto
28:48to you.
28:52And he leaves
28:53the little trail of doo-doo
28:54in his underpants.
28:56And that's the truth!
29:06Jersey Devil!
29:08Oh!
29:09Not real!
29:12You know what the real
29:14Jersey Devil is?
29:16Bruce Springsteen!
29:21I swear to God
29:22one time I saw
29:23that guy's head spin
29:24all the way around.
29:27But why stop here
29:28at the cryptozoology community
29:30huh?
29:31Let's abolish
29:32all conspiracy theory groups
29:34who also kick me out
29:36and will not let me back in.
29:40The flat earthers
29:43claim the earth is flat
29:44boo that's right
29:46when we all know
29:47the earth got big old
29:48ta-tas.
29:53Nothing flat about it.
30:00Oh yeah!
30:01We're going there!
30:04Abolish Reddit!
30:07And the Reddit community
30:10for saying Bush did 9-11
30:13when we all know
30:14that Bush did 9-11.
30:19I swear to God
30:20I've seen that guy's head spin
30:22all the way around.
30:25And last but not least
30:26the anti-vaxxers
30:29for saying vaccines
30:30cause autism.
30:33No they don't.
30:35What they do cause
30:37is me to sweat
30:38like I'm in a goddamn sauna.
30:41Please let me back
30:42in the cryptozoology community.
30:43Please!
30:45I'll wear undershirts now!
30:54In conclusion
30:55please abolish
30:56the cryptozoology community.
31:03I will say
31:04I was expecting
31:07the Twin Towers
31:07to have twin ta-tas.
31:11That's good.
31:13So look
31:14if I can get a sense
31:14of what the hell
31:15is happening here
31:16you're saying
31:16that the majority
31:17of these conspiracy theories
31:19aren't real
31:19but they were real
31:20if they just had
31:22versions of titties
31:22that are capable
31:23of crushing a man's skull.
31:24I'd say about 90%
31:26of the time yes.
31:28I yield my time.
31:31Do you think
31:32that maybe
31:33the groups
31:35kicked you out
31:35because your ideas
31:37was so close
31:38to what they believe
31:38is the truth
31:39that is your truth
31:40but different
31:41and if your truth
31:42was close
31:43what have you guys
31:45do you think
31:46the flat earth conspiracy
31:47is close
31:47to the big tit
31:49earth conspiracy?
31:50No, no.
31:51Sorry.
31:51I understand.
31:53I guess I'm just
31:54maybe they just
31:56maybe you're unlikable
31:57and
31:58I'm sorry to say
32:00guys I'm sorry
32:01I'm sorry to say
32:02I'm sorry to say
32:03I'm sorry to say
32:04I'm sorry to say
32:06I'm sorry to say
32:06but maybe
32:07the groups
32:08are awesome
32:09and or
32:10or or or
32:11or maybe
32:11they're horrible
32:12you're awesome.
32:14You should have
32:15started with that one.
32:16Okay, great.
32:17And so
32:17can you guys
32:18take back
32:18what I said?
32:19So this is filmed
32:21so we're going back.
32:23So you guys
32:23can just edit that out.
32:25So I think
32:26what happened
32:26is that
32:27the people
32:27that was in those groups
32:28they don't get you.
32:31You're real
32:32but you're wrong.
32:34and
32:35so guys
32:36I actually
32:36didn't understand
32:37the PowerPoint
32:38but that's not
32:39her
32:39that's not
32:40your fault
32:41doctor.
32:42I hate to alert
32:42the audience
32:43but that is
32:44a skin jogger
32:45right there.
32:47What does that
32:48mean y'all?
32:48It's like a skin
32:49walker
32:49but they just
32:50started jogging
32:52and they won't
32:53stop talking about it.
32:54Look I
32:55I relate to you
32:56and I feel bad for you.
32:57I've been kicked out
32:58of many fringe
32:59online communities
33:00before
33:00for being too extreme
33:02and I had to look inward
33:04and I had to take
33:05Myers-Briggs tests.
33:07When he was removed
33:08from the 4chan community
33:10you should have seen
33:11his face.
33:12He was very distraught.
33:13It was so rough.
33:14They thought I was
33:15bizarre
33:17but I worked on myself.
33:19I'm actually
33:20an INFJ.
33:22I'm an introvert.
33:24It's cusp
33:25but I am
33:26and once I learned
33:27that about myself
33:28it was easier
33:29for me to talk
33:29to these people
33:30that I shared
33:31so much in common with.
33:33All the hatred
33:34we shared
33:34towards various people
33:35for the very real
33:36and fair reasons
33:37I got back
33:38into those groups
33:39and so could you
33:40you freak.
33:42If the earth
33:43has tits
33:44which countries
33:45are the nipples?
33:48Trick question.
33:50No nipples.
33:52No nipples?
33:54Nipple is tits!
33:58I love them.
34:00Wait.
34:01No.
34:01I'm sorry.
34:03I'm sorry.
34:03None of you would like that.
34:04You can't do that.
34:05That's it.
34:06That's the truth.
34:07No.
34:08You're a sheep.
34:10No.
34:10She would pop for anything.
34:12None of you would enjoy that.
34:14Stop acting like you would.
34:16Maybe they're just
34:17two big hills.
34:19I'm going to need you
34:19to talk to me after
34:20because we need a brain
34:21like that over at the YouTube show.
34:22And if you come near me
34:23I will yell
34:24for the security
34:25at this venue
34:27which knowing caveat
34:28there is none.
34:30And that's time!
34:34Are you ready
34:35for your final abolitionist
34:36of the night?
34:39You've seen
34:39our final abolitionist
34:41on Murderbot,
34:41The Tonight Show
34:42and Joyride.
34:43Put your hands together
34:44for Sabrina Wu.
34:55This summer
34:57I went to Fire Island.
35:02It was my first time there
35:03and you know
35:04I was surrounded
35:05by a lot of incredibly hot
35:07basically naked gay guys
35:09and I'm a trans-mask lesbian
35:11and at first
35:12I was a little intimidated
35:13by the idea
35:14of taking off my shirt
35:17but eventually
35:18on that island
35:18I found the courage
35:19to do so.
35:20That's the magic
35:21of being surrounded
35:22by other queer people
35:23embracing themselves
35:24and their bodies.
35:25I was also on acid.
35:30But that's not relevant.
35:33I swam into a pool alone
35:35with my shirt off
35:36and I felt amazing.
35:38I felt like my skin
35:39was glowing.
35:40I was even taking selfies.
35:42Look how cute I look.
35:44I literally
35:47Wow.
35:48I had never felt
35:49more like a handsome guy.
35:51And then
35:52to make it even more special
35:53a group of gay guys
35:55showed up
35:55and when they saw me
35:56they literally gasped.
35:58They said
35:59Oh my God
36:00you're so beautiful.
36:02There is an amazing energy
36:03radiating around you.
36:05And then I replied
36:07I know.
36:09And then they started
36:11taking photos of me
36:12unprompted
36:13and I was feeling
36:14so confident
36:15I let them.
36:17I was like posing
36:18for them
36:19and I let myself
36:20feel beautiful
36:21and they literally
36:22gasped at every shot
36:23telling me
36:24no cap
36:25I looked stunning
36:26and then they proceeded
36:28to send me
36:28the ugliest photos
36:29I have ever received.
36:32They sent me this.
36:41This photo
36:42was shot
36:43on a brand new iPhone.
36:47Where did the color go?
36:51And that just won
36:53millions.
36:55So
36:56I have no more
36:59iCloud storage.
37:02They're all the same
37:03except for this one
37:04they took artistic liberty with.
37:06I'm at a Dutch angle
37:08for some reason.
37:10And this one
37:11where I'm not even
37:12really in the photo
37:13at all.
37:15This is the before image
37:18in a Cymbalta commercial.
37:21If they used this
37:23for my obituary
37:24I would find
37:25a way
37:25to kill myself
37:26again.
37:29For these reasons
37:31and more
37:32we must
37:33abolish
37:34gay guys
37:35taking photos
37:36of other people.
37:40It's too dangerous.
37:41Gay guys are so hot.
37:43And when they take
37:44photos of you
37:45it makes you feel
37:46like your life
37:47is in a movie.
37:48You know what I mean?
37:49I felt like
37:49I felt like
37:50this is what I looked like.
37:51I thought I was
37:52in a rom-com.
37:53The movie
37:53no
37:54was weapons.
38:01Okay.
38:03I see you.
38:04I see
38:04I know where your head's going.
38:06Maybe you think
38:06I'm generalizing
38:07too much.
38:08You know
38:09one group of gay guys
38:11took some
38:12horrible photos
38:13of me
38:14but are all
38:15gay guys
38:16the same?
38:18Obviously
38:18no.
38:24Yeah I guess
38:25I'll acknowledge
38:25there are
38:26multiple kinds
38:27of gay guys.
38:27There are
38:28the kinds
38:29of guys
38:30who sleep
38:31with other guys
38:32and then there's
38:33the kind of
38:33gay guys
38:34who are like
38:35have a girlfriend
38:36and are obsessed
38:37with going to
38:38Fire Island.
38:59And
39:00I guess there's
39:01debates about whether or not
39:02he's actually gay
39:03but I know
39:05he's a gay guy.
39:12Looked pretty good up there.
39:14You'll never fool us.
39:16John Marco
39:16I know you're a gay man
39:17because one time
39:18John Marco
39:18does
39:19or Andy
39:19whoever
39:21and I know
39:22because he does
39:23stand up
39:23and he hosts
39:24these shows
39:24and sometimes
39:25he asks me
39:25to be on them
39:26and do my little
39:27stand up set
39:28and I've asked him
39:28to film me
39:29because you know
39:29I've got to make
39:30Instagram reels
39:31and so he's filming me
39:32and then he sends me
39:33this.
39:42Even if there are
39:43different kinds
39:43of gay guys
39:44I think we can all
39:44agree that
39:45if a single member
39:46of a marginalized
39:47community makes
39:48a mistake
39:48the whole group
39:49must pay.
39:51Yes,
39:52we must abolish
39:53gay guys
39:54taking photos
39:54of other people.
39:57I arrest my kids.
40:00Now call me crazy
40:02but it seems to me
40:03like the actual
40:04point of this
40:05presentation
40:06was just to call
40:07John Marco gay
40:08in front of an audience.
40:10It wasn't to call
40:11John Marco gay
40:12derogatory
40:13it was to acknowledge
40:14his identity
40:15and
40:16I look pretty damn
40:18good up there
40:18don't I?
40:21If anything
40:22this is about
40:23my own personal
40:24experience
40:24on Fire Island
40:26and me wanting
40:26to show off
40:27how sexy I look
40:28right here
40:29all right
40:31so just to be
40:31clear
40:32this was the
40:32photo you think
40:33you thought
40:33you looked
40:34good
40:35I was just
40:36asking
40:38you do
40:39F-I-I-U-D
40:40F-I-I-U-D
40:41F-I-I-U-D
40:42F-I-I-U-D
40:43F-I-I-U-D
40:43I like the other one
40:44he's gay
40:45he thinks
40:46this is nice
40:54he's hard
40:55right now
40:56I'm serious
40:57I mean
40:57you did acid
40:58when I was there
40:59I did K
41:00not surprised
41:04I
41:04I
41:05I think
41:06those pictures
41:06are
41:07are
41:07beautiful
41:08I think
41:09they're cool
41:10all right
41:10you tell me
41:11when you see
41:12beauty
41:12okay
41:12I'm gonna
41:13go through
41:13them
41:13no wait
41:14I was talking
41:14about the ones
41:15of me
41:18look at that
41:18one
41:18a gay guy
41:19took that
41:19one right
41:20there
41:25I want to be
41:26very clear
41:26I was very
41:27very careful
41:28with my words
41:28I said
41:28gay guys
41:29cannot take
41:29photos of
41:30other people
41:31you can take
41:32plenty of
41:33photos of
41:33yourself
41:34in fact
41:34I'm sure
41:35you love it
41:35sorry
41:36is this a
41:37TikTok
41:37is this a
41:37video
41:39this is a
41:40screenshot
41:40no you have
41:41to subscribe
41:41for the
41:42video
41:44I just
41:45I just
41:45like that
41:46I did
41:46take a
41:47screenshot
41:47of a
41:47Google
41:47search
41:48of
41:48John
41:48Marco
41:48gay
41:49but
41:51I wanted
41:52it because
41:52it has
41:52this great
41:53caption he wrote
41:53which is
41:54second trip
41:54to Fire
41:55Island
41:55went a
41:55little
41:56harder
42:06anyone can
42:07go to
42:07Fire
42:07Island
42:08let me
42:08just talk
42:08to the
42:08three
42:09straight
42:09people
42:09here
42:09tonight
42:11Fire
42:12Island
42:12is a
42:13beautiful
42:13place
42:13I don't
42:14think we
42:14should
42:14all go
42:15at the
42:15same
42:15time
42:15maybe
42:16one
42:16a
42:16weekend
42:16and
42:17there's
42:18a
42:18couple
42:19that
42:19are
42:19free
42:19next
42:19summer
42:20go
42:20go
42:20it's
42:21a
42:21beautiful
42:21place
42:22did you
42:22have a
42:23good
42:23time
42:24I
42:24literally
42:25had my
42:25self
42:26image
42:26shattered
42:26within
42:27a
42:27moment
42:27can
42:31we
42:31please
42:32get
42:32all
42:32of our
42:33abolitionists
42:33back
42:34to
42:34the
42:34stay
42:37give
42:38it
42:38up
42:38one
42:38more
42:39time
42:39for
42:40Sean
42:40McGowan
42:43Alex
42:44Krokus
42:46the
42:47good
42:47doctor
42:49and
42:50Sabrina
42:51Wu
42:55we
42:55are
42:55now
42:56going
42:56to
42:56decide
42:56what
42:57is
42:57going
42:57to
42:57be
42:57abolished
42:58this
42:58will
42:58be
42:58determined
42:59by
42:59audience
42:59acclaim
43:00whoever
43:00gets
43:00the
43:00loudest
43:01reaction
43:01on
43:01a
43:01proprietary
43:02piece
43:02of
43:02abolish
43:03everything
43:03technology
43:03the
43:04cheer-o
43:04meter
43:053000
43:08and
43:09the
43:09winner
43:09will
43:10receive
43:10this
43:11counterfeit
43:11sack
43:12of
43:12cash
43:12and
43:13an
43:13invitation
43:13to
43:14our
43:14world
43:14championship
43:15season
43:15finale
43:16so
43:16without
43:16further
43:17ado
43:17who
43:18thinks
43:18that
43:18we
43:19should
43:19abolish
43:19the
43:20number
43:20five
43:28who
43:28thinks
43:29that
43:29we
43:29should
43:29abolish
43:30cover
43:30letters
43:37who
43:38thinks
43:38we
43:38should
43:38abolish
43:39the
43:39cryptozoology
43:39community
43:46and
43:47who
43:47thinks
43:47that
43:47we
43:47should
43:48abolish
43:48gay
43:48guys
43:49taking
43:49pictures
43:50of
43:50other
43:50people
44:00sabrina
44:01and
44:01alex
44:01please
44:02step
44:02forward
44:04congratulations
44:05to all our
44:06abolitionists
44:06who
44:07thinks
44:07that
44:08we
44:08should
44:08abolish
44:08cover
44:09letters
44:12and
44:19who
44:19thinks
44:19we
44:20should
44:20abolish
44:20gay
44:20guys
44:21taking
44:21pictures
44:21of
44:21other
44:22people
44:29my
44:30friends
44:30we
44:31have
44:31abolished
44:31gay
44:32guys
44:33taking
44:33pictures
44:33of
44:34other
44:34people
44:35congratulations
44:36to
44:36Sabrina
44:37Wu
44:41give it
44:42up
44:42one more
44:42time
44:43for
44:43all
44:43of
44:44our
44:44abolitionists
44:48let's
44:48give a
44:48hearty
44:49fuck
44:49you
44:49to
44:49the
44:50panel
44:53and
44:54thank
44:54you
44:54for
44:54watching
44:55on
44:55Nebula
44:59we'll
44:59see you
44:59next
45:00time
45:00good
45:00night
45:01tell me
45:02that you
45:02never
45:02seen
45:02Shawshank
45:03Redemption
45:03and see
45:03what
45:04happens
45:04I've
45:04never
45:05seen
45:05the
45:05Shawshank
45:05Redemption
45:06hey
45:06man
45:06that's
45:06no
45:07problem
45:08so
45:08boring
45:09what
45:09would
45:09we
45:09talk
45:09about
45:10like
45:10I
45:10want
45:10to
45:10die
45:21I
45:35you
45:36and
45:38you
45:40you
45:46you
45:49Transcription by CastingWords
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