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00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:32Oh. Morning. Morning. You're in a coffin. I am, yes. Do you want to talk about that, or...?
00:42Well, John Doherty over at Bruma Moy was selling it on the online, and he gave me a very good
00:49price if that's what you're worried about.
00:51That's not what I'm worried about. No, no, I was just sort of trying it out, and I must have
00:55drifted off, which is exactly what it's for, to be fair.
01:00What time is it, by the way? It's half past eleven. Is that you just out of your pit?
01:06Er, says the man literally lying in a coffin. Eh?
01:10Get out of the coffin, Dad. Er, no, I won't get out of the coffin.
01:13Get out of the coffin, Dad. I will not get out of the coffin, Richard.
01:16Okay, fine. Then I'm going back to bed. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.
01:27There's nothing we should email the producers about doing a spin-off. We could call it Dr. Sparrow's Casebook.
01:32Not this again. If anyone should get a spin-off, it should be me. Judge Basquiat was better than your
01:37character.
01:38Why can't it be about my character?
01:40Because your character's dead, Terry.
01:41Oh, yeah.
01:43Headshot!
01:44Sorry, Terry.
01:45No, that's fine. I shouldn't have been standing there.
01:47Are you actually planning on getting dressed today?
01:50One sec, guys. My flatmate wants to ask me a question. Can I help you?
01:54I am not letting you waste another day playing this silly computer game with your sad little actor pals.
02:00We're not sad little actor pals. Although I'm a bit concerned about Terry. He's almost 60.
02:05Yeah, 62, actually.
02:06Headphones, mute.
02:07Listen, just because Norway didn't work out doesn't mean you have to give up on life.
02:13I've not given up on life.
02:14Oh, I have.
02:16Oh, bloody headphones.
02:18Meanwhile, I've got to creep about the town pretending you're still in blooming Norway.
02:23No guesses for what reason come the apocalypse.
02:25Oh, yes. We've had a tremendous yield up the allotment this year.
02:29Here, stick that in my glory hole.
02:32Say again?
02:33My glory hole.
02:37Uh, you mean cupboard.
02:39You say cupboard, I say glory hole.
02:41It's hardly tomato-tomato, is it?
02:42Your mother and I had tremendous use out of a glory hole over the years.
02:46Do you remember that list of words and phrases where I explained to you over years the meaning has changed?
02:51Sometimes quite drastically.
02:53Yes.
02:55Forget it.
03:03I have to take him to the tailors.
03:06Hopefully Alfonso will be able to fix him.
03:08Okay, I'm sorry.
03:09It was an accident.
03:10How long is this going to go on for, Richard?
03:12Huh?
03:14You skulking about the house in secret.
03:16I mean, honestly, so what?
03:18You got sacked.
03:19I didn't get sacked.
03:20Me and the producers mutually agreed that my character would best serve the story by not being a part of
03:27it.
03:27I mean, you're still a young man.
03:28I'm 39.
03:29Oh, come on.
03:30You've got all your own hair.
03:32You've got a lovely smile.
03:34Anything else?
03:36You know, mention the hair.
03:42Sally, hi.
03:43Oh, Richard, hi.
03:44Uh, nothing's coming.
03:45Right.
03:46Same time next week?
03:47Oh, Benedict, darling!
03:49Just trying out a new system at safe time.
03:52Listen.
03:54Why don't you come up your mother's old allotment with me today, eh?
03:58You used to like it up there, and I could do with your help to move one or two things.
04:02What if Emily sees me?
04:03Well, just tell her the truth.
04:05I'm sure she won't marry.
04:06I've been sending her photos with me and other actors on set for the last three months now.
04:11I've had to do four Photoshop tutorials.
04:13You can't hide away forever.
04:15You'll need to take a leaf out of my book.
04:17I'm up that allotment every day, getting my steps in, tilling this soil, feeling this sun in my face.
04:23I'm even an admin on the Forest What Is Up group.
04:27It's WhatsApp, and everyone's an admin.
04:28Well, at least come to the town hall with me tonight.
04:31What for?
04:32What for, he says.
04:33What for?
04:33The Save Our Allotment Campaign to stop the council chucking us off the land and selling it to some bloody
04:40developer.
04:41I didn't know they were going to do that.
04:43Come on, son.
04:44I could use your help.
04:48I'm sorry, Dad.
04:49I can't.
04:52Well, you're going to have to leave the house at some point today.
04:56Why?
05:01Will you be careful?
05:03I've got to live in that when I'm dead.
05:05I still can't believe you've done this.
05:08I don't want you spending your money on me when I'm dead.
05:11This is an investment in your future.
05:13Stocks would have been fine.
05:17Remind me to take you off my pallbearer list, will you?
05:20It's the pollen.
05:20I've not been exposed for a while.
05:22Oh.
05:23Pull those trousers up, Richard.
05:24What are people going to think?
05:41All right, Mr. Pritch.
05:42Hello, Emily, love.
05:45Is everything OK?
05:46Oh, yes, yes, yes.
05:48Aye, aye, aye.
05:49OK.
05:51I'm going to have to get that whole doll I lent you back.
05:53I'm going away for the weekend.
05:55And that is a coffin.
05:58Yes, yes, it is.
05:59Aye.
06:01John Doherty?
06:03Yes.
06:04Thought it might be.
06:05Well, as far as coffins go.
06:08Yes, I'm actually very pleased with it myself.
06:11What?
06:12Apart from the fact it keeps doing that.
06:22Emily, hi.
06:26How are things?
06:36So, you're back.
06:38Yeah.
06:39Yeah, I just got a couple of days off, so I thought I'd come back.
06:42See the old man.
06:44Old man?
06:45Who's that?
06:46You.
06:47Oh, charming.
06:48Old man.
06:49There you go.
06:53Oh.
06:54Oh, I'll take that.
06:57Jeez.
07:04So, off anywhere nice?
07:07Just the Lake District.
07:09I've booked myself into a spa.
07:11Who are you going with?
07:14No one.
07:15Just a bit of me time.
07:19I'm enjoying all the photos from set.
07:22Good.
07:24What's Kelly MacDonald like?
07:26She's a total sweetheart.
07:28Mm-hmm.
07:28Mm-hmm.
07:28Yeah, and a very generous performer.
07:31Oh, cool.
07:32What about, um, Robert Carlyle?
07:35Nightmare.
07:36Oh.
07:37Well, I mean, it's an amazing cast to be part of.
07:40I've actually got a scene with Martin Compton tomorrow, so I'm flying back tonight.
07:45Wow.
07:45Gosh, is there any Scottish actor not in this show?
07:48I've got to name one.
07:50And this, uh, this look?
07:53Yeah, it's, um, I'm playing this detective who's got a lot of inner pain.
07:59Is that because his washing machine is broken?
08:05Um, yeah, right.
08:07Well, uh, I should really...
08:09I'll see you out.
08:11See you later, Mr Pritch.
08:13Enjoy.
08:16I love Martin Compton.
08:18You get me a selfie?
08:21Definitely.
08:22Uh, that's easy.
08:24Um, I mean, he doesn't let many people into his inner circle, Marty.
08:27Yeah, that's what he lets me call him.
08:30Um, but I think he's taken a bit of a shame to me, so, yeah, I'll definitely get that selfie.
08:37Thanks.
08:39It's nice to see you.
08:41And you.
08:42Bye, Emily.
08:45Bye, Richard.
09:00That worked out well.
09:03How's that exactly?
09:04Now she knows you're back, you can come up the allotment with me.
09:19What are you, Richard?
09:20What are you doing, Bart?
09:21Big change.
09:23What am I like, eh?
09:28Yes, Dr Sparrow.
09:30All right.
09:31Ian, Jen, how are you both?
09:33All grand.
09:34We're actually just off to marriage counselling.
09:37Oh.
09:38I'm sorry to hear that.
09:39Oh, no, no.
09:40Nothing wrong with our marriage.
09:42No.
09:42No, the counsellors moved up here from London, and we want to see what her house looks like.
09:4660 grand she spent doing it all.
09:48Ooh, isn't that exciting?
09:50It's exciting.
09:50We don't want to be late.
09:52Just sitting there, what am I like?
09:58Are you running after you?
10:00No, I'm not, but I wish you were.
10:03Stink coming off you.
10:14Richard Pritchard.
10:16Mr Williams?
10:18Oh, come now.
10:19Horace, we're not in drama class any more.
10:23So, my protégé returns.
10:27I presume all the letters of thanks for the success you've had over the years were lost in the post?
10:33I wouldn't call it success.
10:35So, what news from the front, a.k.a. Shaftesbury Avenue?
10:41Just she asked for me?
10:42Nah, I wouldn't know.
10:44At the moment, I'm very much round the corner in the ITV3 cul-de-sac.
10:48How's it been since...
10:49Since the headmaster caught me with the bother of peach schnapps in the janitor's cupboard.
10:55Well, I was going to say early retirement, but...
10:56Well, as you can see, I'm thriving.
10:59I pay £28 a year to sit here, drink wine, enjoy the view.
11:04So you tell me who's winning.
11:07I think you'll find that to me.
11:10Would you care to join me for a glass of Chateauneuf-du-Pape?
11:14Well, like when you ask me that at school, it's a little early for me.
11:21Kenneth, you'll be at the town hall tonight, I presume?
11:24Oh, yes, yes, we'll be there.
11:26In force.
11:27I've organised a strategy meeting beforehand.
11:31I thought the pub would be good.
11:33Thought you might.
11:34Anyway, well, listen, it's been great to catch up quickly.
11:39Quickly, can we just do this?
11:40Right, step this way up again.
11:46Bloody hell.
11:48That was quick.
11:49Can we get this over with?
11:51I want to be home for tipping point.
11:52There you go.
11:55This is what you needed help moving.
11:57Aha, it's heavier than it looks.
11:59I'll find you.
12:00I will find you.
12:01It's like I've got a gun.
12:03Oh, it's just Paul.
12:05Somebody's been stealing his radishes.
12:07So he's just walking about with a gun?
12:09Oh, it's not a gun, it's an air rifle.
12:11I mean, you can't do a lot of damage shooting air, can you?
12:14That's not what an air rifle is.
12:16Yes, yes.
12:16There you go.
12:17I'll put the kettle on.
12:25Oh, it's a bit of bump and grind, isn't it?
12:29What?
12:29A bit of bump and grind.
12:31We're updating that list of words and phrases tonight.
12:55Oh, I've got you, you filthy tea leaf.
12:57What are you doing?
12:58Paul, I've detained the suspect.
13:00No, no, no.
13:01See the...
13:02Paul!
13:02No, no, no, no.
13:03Ah, misunderstanding.
13:05Oh, misunderstanding, is it?
13:06Let me explain.
13:07Where is he?
13:08Oh, I'll get the gun to your neck.
13:09This must be your radish thief, Paul.
13:11I mean, look at the state of him.
13:13I've been having a bit of a rough time lately.
13:14Shut your heads.
13:15Okay.
13:15Do you know how long it takes to grow a radish?
13:20Sorry, is that a real question?
13:2160 days in total.
13:2360?
13:24It's not bad, actually.
13:26Ah, well, they are one of the fastest-grown vegetables,
13:29to be fair.
13:31That's why I like them.
13:32Like you, keep nicking them.
13:34Are you okay?
13:38Please stop doing that.
13:42Beth seems...
13:44nice.
13:44Oh, yes, yes.
13:46She's a lovely woman.
13:48Lost her husband about a year ago.
13:50Did they check the body for rake marks?
13:54She's actually moved up here from England,
13:56to be closer to her son.
13:59What's that?
14:01Oh, that, that's, eh...
14:03That's something your mother left me.
14:04It's a kind of gardening encyclopedia, you know?
14:10She didn't want me to let the place go to ruin.
14:15Mind you, I nearly did.
14:17I just...
14:19I couldn't face coming up here without her, you know?
14:23I know, darling.
14:25That's all right.
14:26Well, there you are.
14:27Life moves on, eh?
14:29Yeah, I knew it.
14:32It was after sheave.
14:34Give me that.
14:35Loveburn.
14:37I think you can get a cream for that.
14:38That's private.
14:40It was written on the bottle.
14:41Written on the bottle.
14:44Nosing people's stuff.
14:47How would you like it if I stuck my nose into your affairs?
14:50No, you wouldn't like it then, would you?
14:56Hi, er, Beth.
14:58We didn't really get a chance to meet you.
15:00Mainly because you were assaulting me with a rake.
15:02But, er...
15:03I'm sorry about that.
15:05I thought you were a hobo.
15:07Oh, no, not a hobo.
15:09A skag head, is that the one?
15:11Oh, I can't believe I attacked Dr Sparrow.
15:15Don't worry about it.
15:16I love detective manners.
15:18Me and the girlies used to get together every Sunday night
15:20with a bottle of wine and try and guess who the killer was.
15:24Apart from Rachinda.
15:26The wine, I mean.
15:28She's muslin.
15:29Mm.
15:29But lovely.
15:30Yeah.
15:31Oh, did that sound racist?
15:32I can't keep up now, Richard.
15:35Look at toilets.
15:35I mean, what's going on with them now?
15:37And people.
15:38They say it's your responsibility to educate yourself.
15:41Go online.
15:43Go where?
15:43I'm only on the Facebook and we're all as confused as each other.
15:47I better head off before I get cancelled, I think.
15:49I just want everyone to be happy.
15:51Sure.
15:51Things change so quickly.
15:53And what if I say the wrong thing?
15:54God, they don't give you a second chance these days.
15:56And I never mean any harm.
15:59But sometimes my mouth runs on the head of my brain.
16:07Sorry about that.
16:08No, don't apologise.
16:10Ooh.
16:12Strategy.
16:21Are you going to turn them off, or...?
16:23Oh, yes, yes.
16:24Let me see now.
16:26It's, uh...
16:27You just...
16:27No, you just press that.
16:29Which?
16:30You just press that button.
16:31Which button?
16:31You're just unlocking the phone, not conducting an orchestra.
16:34What do I press here, Richard?
16:35Is it snooze or stop?
16:37Oh, my God.
16:38There's two of them.
16:39Is it this one?
16:43Do you, Bonnie and Lemonade?
16:46Sorry again, Horace.
16:49Horace.
16:50Shot you in the eye, then, did he, Horace?
16:52Well, the doctor thought he didn't really need the eye patch, but Horace insisted.
16:57And so it was Mr. Williams who was stealing your radishes.
17:00Oh, I didn't mean to shoot them.
17:02The air rifle must have been faulty.
17:05Faulty towers.
17:07Oh, I loved that.
17:09Were you in that one, Richard?
17:11What?
17:12Shall we begin?
17:13I must say, I thought there'd be a better turn out tonight.
17:15Sorry, Horace.
17:17My son was going to come, but he's on holiday with his partner.
17:20He's a personal trainer, Richard, if he felt like pulling himself together.
17:24First point of order.
17:25I think I should speak on our behalf tonight.
17:28Really?
17:29Even with the eye patch?
17:31What's the matter, Richard?
17:32Worried you won't have top billing now?
17:35Well, I know these allotments.
17:38I know their stories.
17:40Take Glenna.
17:41She took her stroke there.
17:43Remember that, Glenna?
17:44Well, not really.
17:46Because of the stroke.
17:47You live alone.
17:48If it had happened at home, you'd be dead.
17:51Well, the doctor said it was only a small one.
17:53You'd be deceased, Glenna.
17:55Oh, right.
17:57One might even say it was a stroke of good luck.
18:00I'd rather you didn't.
18:01Okay, Paul, you were an addict.
18:05Well, you're always an addict, Horace.
18:07But, yes, since I took up the allotment two years ago,
18:11I have been free of all drugs.
18:14Oh, well done.
18:25Right.
18:27Whose round is it?
18:29I am one with the allotment.
18:31I am the gentle breeze that blows through.
18:33I am the morning dew on the logs.
18:37Oh, I wondered who that was.
18:39Well, I think she'd maybe still have a vote on it.
18:42Would you still want to vote if you heard me say,
18:45daffodil that came before the swallowed deer
18:48and took the winds of barch with beauty?
18:54Yeah, I think we should still have a vote.
18:57It's the eye patch.
18:59Yeah, yeah, it's the eye patch for me.
19:01Okay, so everyone who thinks that Horace should speak for us tonight,
19:05raise your hands.
19:09Very well.
19:10Who do you think should speak on our behalf?
19:13Well, I think it should be somebody who's not afraid of being on stage,
19:20who can maybe sort of, you know, learn their lines in a professional way.
19:29Absolutely not.
19:30Oh, come on, it's only for tonight.
19:32You're a performer.
19:34You're used to dealing with crowds.
19:36Oh, I am a performer.
19:37Yeah, and you're a very good one too.
19:40Well, you know, I've always said it's about finding the truth in whatever.
19:44I know what you're doing and I'm not falling for it.
19:46Oh, listen, if you won't do it for me, do it for your mother.
19:50She made me promise to look after the place and she did say,
19:53try and get Richard to help if you can.
19:56Well, it's funny how I was never privy to these apparent conversations.
20:00She said you'd say that.
20:01Pitch snaps, please, gin.
20:05Always the understudy, never the starring role.
20:10Good to have you back, Richard.
20:18One lager and one double gin.
20:21Lovely.
20:22Dr. Sparrow, I cannot wait for the new show to come out.
20:25Of course, I've been learning Norwegian.
20:28Er, it's an English gin.
20:30What?
20:31Oh, well, still looking forward to it.
20:34And, er, I think someone might be replacing Pilo and Paul at number one on the wall of fame.
20:39God rest his soul.
20:42Well, no, he's not dead, love.
20:44But he has learned his lesson.
20:48Oh, completely converted the basement she has, Richard.
20:52Who?
20:52The marriage counsellor.
20:54Yeah, that's where she has her appointments.
20:55She's actually booked us in for next week.
20:58Thanks we have some deep-rooted, unresolved issues we need to work through.
21:03And we only went in for a nosy.
21:07Er, that will be £12.45, please, including, er, pitch snaps.
21:26Oh, you're back.
21:32Someone told me if you're nervous about making a speech, you should imagine the audience naked.
21:40Never worked for me.
21:42I remember looking at everybody during my husband's eulogy thinking,
21:45You should be ashamed of yourself, turning up like that.
21:51Where's your respect?
21:54Oh, oh my God, it's my Tim.
21:57Tim?
21:57Tim, over here.
22:00Everyone, my son's here.
22:02Oh, here he is now.
22:05Hi, Tim.
22:07First name?
22:08Tim.
22:08You're called Tim?
22:09Sorry, I got confused.
22:10What is your first name?
22:12Richard.
22:13Hi, Richard.
22:13What are you doing here?
22:14You're meant to be on holiday.
22:16Bloody car broke down.
22:18We had to get towed back from Inverness.
22:20Still, it means that I can be here with you now.
22:22So where's your lovely lady?
22:25Oh, she's coming.
22:25Oh, there she is.
22:26Hi.
22:28Hi, everyone.
22:30Mr. Pritch.
22:31So did Richard get back okay?
22:33Well, he's scurried under the table quick enough.
22:45Hi, Richard.
22:46Hi, Emily.
22:48I'm just under the table at the moment.
22:49Mm-hmm.
22:50Hey, dude.
22:51You okay?
22:52Hi.
22:52Yeah, I was just saying to Emily, I'm just under the table at the moment.
22:56Cool.
22:57So are you two, um...
22:59Yeah.
23:00Yeah.
23:01Great.
23:02That's great to hear.
23:04That's just, uh...
23:05That's just going in now, son.
23:07Okay, I'm just going to have a minute here.
23:10So, do you want us to just leave you here?
23:13If you wouldn't mind.
23:30It shouldn't be too much longer now.
23:33Maybe we should reschedule.
23:35No need.
23:36I am fully prepared.
23:39You can just speak from the floor, sir.
23:41Well, I'm up here now.
23:43We must take the current as it serves or lose our ventures.
23:49Well, that's him.
23:50Here he is.
23:50That's him.
23:51He's here now.
23:51That's him.
23:52Why do I even bother?
23:54Absolute waste of time.
23:57Break your legs.
24:00Um, sorry, everyone.
24:03Sorry, everyone.
24:06Uh, okay, uh, we are here to ask you, nay, demand, well, ask, let's ask first, that you don't
24:17chuck us off the land.
24:19I don't know what you've got planned for it.
24:20A big waitress.
24:21A big waitress?
24:22Seriously, is that, that is, that's not on.
24:25That is not on.
24:26We're not going to stand for that.
24:28You just take your waitress and your extensive dip selection and you take that elsewhere.
24:34Okay?
24:34I mean, look, all we're here to do is to ask you really to agree to give us more time
24:40before
24:40making any decisions.
24:42Okay?
24:42These allotments, they mean a lot to people, uh, to me, to the town.
24:49I mean, I'm from the town.
24:50I'm from forests.
24:53You know, as much as I fight against it, I am from forests.
24:58I'm from forests, sir.
25:00Oh, yeah.
25:02Yeah, we were all foresters.
25:04Yeah.
25:05Yeah.
25:06Yeah.
25:06Um, I mean, my mum was from forests.
25:08Uh, your mum was from forests.
25:10Your mum was from forests.
25:12And your mum was from...
25:14Forest.
25:15Forest.
25:15Yeah.
25:16I don't know why I paused it.
25:17The point is, we are forests.
25:20And for you to build a waitress, you're going to have to go through us first.
25:24Yeah!
25:25Yeah!
25:31And I never went to Norway.
25:35Well, I did, but I got fired.
25:39Sorry for not telling you.
25:41Jen, no, I'm sorry.
25:43Do you have a little bit of shock?
25:53All right, Richie?
25:55All right, Dixie.
25:55Do you want some radishes?
25:57Uh, no, I'm all right.
25:58I don't even know why I nicked them, to be honest.
26:02See you in a bit, Nick.
26:03See you later.
26:07Hey, yo.
26:13Why didn't you just tell me?
26:17I think I can cope with everyone else thinking I'm a failure.
26:22Just not you.
26:25I don't think you're a failure, Richard.
26:28I mean, I think you're weird.
26:31That's a fair comment.
26:32That's what I've always liked about you.
26:39So, Tim.
26:41Yeah.
26:42Well, I thought you weren't coming back.
26:47Sorry I didn't say anything.
26:53Well, I better go.
26:55Um, see you around?
26:58Now that you're not hiding from me.
27:00Look, I'm...
27:02I'm really sorry.
27:08Hello!
27:12Hey, a few of us are heading to the beastie.
27:15Just, uh, me, Horace, Paul...
27:18And Beth.
27:21Well, you better get going, then.
27:23OK.
27:25You wouldn't mind taking Percy back home with you, would you?
27:28Oh, seriously?
27:30OK.
27:31Fine.
27:32Thanks, son.
27:33I'll see you back at the house.
27:34See you back at the house.
27:40Here we go.
27:51Looks like it's just me and you, then, mate.
27:57You're welcome again!
28:00OK.
28:04Will it be an own goal for bumbling Ian Fletcher overseeing 2026?
28:09The world is watching on BBC Two now.
28:12While on iPlayer, high-stakes, high-energy new crime drama,
28:16life's a gamble in the cage.
28:26Bye!
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