- 14 minutes ago
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1988) [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip, somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight, while the
00:00:16moon is bright.
00:00:20He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys, to give the goniest of the girls and boys so did.
00:00:28Santa comes on big.
00:00:32He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most, when all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast.
00:00:38Dad, you're gonna flip when old Santa Nick plays a lick on a peppermint stick.
00:00:45He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place, and fill the stockings by the fireplace.
00:00:50So you'll have your lips cool.
00:01:09And you're gonna do it!
00:01:09Just put it in the dark side to rock.
00:01:13Har summer and I'll do it!
00:01:15Get out of here!
00:01:15We're gonna do it!
00:01:15I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
00:01:26-I-I-I-II-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
00:01:26-I-I-I-I-I-I-I!
00:01:53Yeah, he's gonna have a bag of crazy
00:01:57To get the tallest of the boomers and boys
00:02:00So dig, Santa comes on big
00:02:06He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most
00:02:09When all the cats are sleepin' warm as toast
00:02:12And you gonna flip for an old St. Nick
00:02:16Lazy lick on the Bebberman's Dig
00:02:19He'll come a-fly it from a high place
00:02:22And fill the stockets by the fireplace
00:02:25So you, have you let's cool
00:02:32Have you let's cool
00:02:41Hey, Dom. Hey, Jake. Hi.
00:02:44Hi, Zee. 12-32-14. 12-32-14.
00:02:50How'd that hike? Jake, thank God. Let me out.
00:02:53Did you get my mail?
00:02:55Math test.
00:02:59Hey, minus.
00:03:01All right, you made it look just good enough.
00:03:03You score me those backstage passes to Dave Matthews at the Coliseum?
00:03:06Oh, that's my man.
00:03:09All right. 12-32.
00:03:13What was that last number again, Ian? 168?
00:03:1514, Jake. 14.
00:03:17All right, all right. Calm down. I got you.
00:03:22Thanks, Jake.
00:03:22You're welcome.
00:03:24Now, Ian, what is the deal with you being sardined into your locker again?
00:03:27It was Eddie Taffet and his troglodyte trio.
00:03:30They're bugged about the phony IDs we sold them.
00:03:32All right, I'll take care of them later.
00:03:33Right now, I need you to get on the net, change that ticket.
00:03:35My dad got me to New York and the two seats to Cabo San Lucas.
00:03:39Okay.
00:03:39Will you be taking Ali?
00:03:41Working on that now.
00:03:45Morning, ladies.
00:03:46Hi, Jake.
00:03:48Do those things really work?
00:03:49Yeah, I want to see.
00:03:50No, no, no. It's okay.
00:03:51I want to see.
00:04:19Sierra, I'm sure that tastes good here, but I bet it would taste even better someplace else.
00:04:24Shoo-shoo.
00:04:45Hey.
00:04:47Oh, hi.
00:04:48What are you doing here?
00:04:50Well, you always said you wanted to see what it would be like to wake up next to me.
00:04:54Ooh, good line.
00:04:56Premeditated or spontaneous?
00:04:58Oh, totally off the cuff.
00:04:59I was inspired by the lovely side of you drooling on your French book.
00:05:03I wasn't drooling.
00:05:04I was sleeping.
00:05:07I was sleeping.
00:05:08I was sleeping.
00:05:09I can't sleep.
00:05:09I've got to study.
00:05:10You were studying subliminally in your sleep.
00:05:12You were absorbing it off the page through osmosis.
00:05:14Not funny.
00:05:15Give me that.
00:05:16Look, Jake.
00:05:17My final is in three hours, and you're here just distracting me, so would you please get
00:05:21out of here?
00:05:22Okay, okay.
00:05:23Suit yourself.
00:05:23I just wanted to let you know there's a freak storm outside.
00:05:26Looks like it's snowing.
00:05:29We're in the middle of Southern California.
00:05:31It's not snow.
00:05:33My God.
00:05:36It's snowing.
00:05:39Jake, you lunatic.
00:05:41Where did you get a snow machine?
00:05:45Oh, hey, Ian.
00:05:47Hi, Ollie.
00:05:51It's a white Christmas, just like home.
00:05:54And here's a little Christmas cheer.
00:05:57Eggnog.
00:05:57My mother makes this from scratch.
00:05:59And one more thing.
00:06:02More?
00:06:02Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here?
00:06:05Just read it.
00:06:07Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas, Christmas on the beach.
00:06:12Amazing.
00:06:13Well, I knew you'd be pissed.
00:06:17This is the most inconsiderate thing I've ever heard.
00:06:20I have plans that are important to me, Jake.
00:06:22Allie, it's not like I'm asking you to sleep in a porta potty.
00:06:24This is a three-bedroom condo overlooking the ocean.
00:06:27Forget it, Jake.
00:06:28You know I'm driving home with Sierra to visit my family.
00:06:30So tell him what I told my dad last year.
00:06:32You're going to be stuck in the gym eight hours a day for the next two weeks in preparation
00:06:35for your appearance in the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
00:06:38That's what you told him?
00:06:39Well, sure.
00:06:40And then when he found out I really wanted to stay here and surf,
00:06:42he was so relieved he didn't argue.
00:06:44But I want to go home.
00:06:46I want a traditional Christmas with snow and stockings and eggnog and carolers.
00:06:51I just thought we could have some fun this Christmas.
00:06:54No, you just thought that you could have some fun.
00:06:56But what about everybody else?
00:06:58My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home.
00:07:01And what about your dad and your sister and Carolyn?
00:07:04You know, bringing up my dad's new wife just drains me of all my Christmas spirit.
00:07:09Look, all I'm saying is, don't you think it's about time you went home?
00:07:14Hey there.
00:07:15Looking good today.
00:07:17Thanks, Eddie.
00:07:18You're looking nice today, too.
00:07:20I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson.
00:07:23Hey, Allie, what kind of perfume are you wearing today?
00:07:25Excuse me?
00:07:26Yes, I got three words for you.
00:07:28New, car, smell.
00:07:30And it would smell so good on you.
00:07:31Why don't you come in here and check it out, baby?
00:07:33Eddie, I got one word for you.
00:07:36Beamer.
00:07:39Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:41You've got to be kidding me.
00:07:42You are too close to the vehicle.
00:07:44Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:47You are too close to the vehicle.
00:07:49Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:52So it's Disco Inferno night at the Viper Room, right?
00:07:55And it's me and the Murph Man and the Ed Man and the Ken Man, right?
00:07:59And we were waiting in line for like half the night, right?
00:08:02And the bouncer, he finally gives us the nod.
00:08:04So we go over there and debut our brand new IDs.
00:08:08And the dude goes, buh-bye.
00:08:11And no one, no one says, buh-bye to the Brant Man.
00:08:16Fellas, fellas, fellas, what can I say?
00:08:18My subcontractor's been slacking off, but I want to make this up to you.
00:08:22I have a foolproof method that'll guarantee you ace your history finally.
00:08:27But if you'd rather see your grades crash and burn, it's up to you.
00:08:34No cost, right?
00:08:36Of course there's no cost for the answers.
00:08:38I couldn't do that to you guys.
00:08:39You guys are my buds.
00:08:41However, there is a nominal fee for the Viper Rental.
00:08:51Wilkinson residence.
00:08:53Oh, I'm sorry.
00:08:54He can't come to the phone right now.
00:08:56He's busy accessorizing.
00:08:58Oh, okay.
00:09:00Jake, it's your dad.
00:09:03See ya.
00:09:11Dad, hey.
00:09:12How are things at the office?
00:09:14Fine.
00:09:14We're all off for the holidays.
00:09:16I sent everybody home at noon today.
00:09:18Great.
00:09:19Getting ready for ski season?
00:09:20Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed.
00:09:22Look, Jake, I'm calling to find out about you.
00:09:24Are you, uh, still planning on coming home for Christmas?
00:09:28Gosh, you know, I'd like to, but I gotta stick around campus and finish up that extra credit lab work.
00:09:33Because I got a call from my travel agent.
00:09:35He says that the ticket I sent you was cashed in for two tickets to Cabo San Lucas.
00:09:40He says somebody sabotaged his computer file.
00:09:43What kind of a world are we living in?
00:09:46Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy?
00:09:49Who would do such a thing?
00:09:50Where will it end, Dad?
00:09:52Look, I agreed to let you go off to school in California,
00:09:54but you haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died.
00:09:58I think it's time that we become a family again.
00:10:02Dad, Dad, Dad.
00:10:03If you were 18 years old, where would you rather be for Christmas?
00:10:06At home with your family or in Cabo on the beach with a beautiful girl?
00:10:11Allie's parents say she's coming home just like always.
00:10:15I just really want you home, son.
00:10:18Me too.
00:10:19Ask this Carolyn.
00:10:20Yeah.
00:10:21And Tracy.
00:10:22We all want you home.
00:10:24Well, I just don't think I can get there.
00:10:28Not even if I, uh, give you the Porsche?
00:10:34Excuse me?
00:10:36The Porsche?
00:10:38The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:40The same 1957 Porsche that we rebuilt by hand together with the Kid Glove interiors and the original paint?
00:10:45The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:48I'll tell you what.
00:10:49If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner, 6 o'clock, Christmas Eve, the car's yours.
00:10:556 o'clock, not one minute past.
00:10:57You understand?
00:10:57Yes, sir.
00:10:58We'll see you then.
00:11:00Great.
00:11:00Bye.
00:11:03You are mine.
00:11:06All mine.
00:11:09Okay, uh, he cashes in the tickets and you offer him a bribe.
00:11:15Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
00:11:17Yeah, yeah, I do, but...
00:11:20But what?
00:11:22Jake's coming home for Christmas.
00:11:29Okay, I gotta go back, you guys.
00:11:30I'll see you in an hour.
00:11:32Okay, okay.
00:11:32Bye.
00:11:37Nice try, but no chance.
00:11:39Hmm, must be defective.
00:11:41You know, I estimated it'd be another five hours till you tried to make up.
00:11:45Hmm, that's funny, because I estimate that it takes five hours to fly to Larchmont, New York.
00:11:51I thought you cashed your ticket in for Cabo.
00:11:53I cashed it back in for two tickets to New York.
00:11:56Will you please accept my apology and come home with me for Christmas?
00:12:04You're unbelievable.
00:12:05Tell me about it.
00:12:06Ripley's doing a special on me.
00:12:08So, why the sudden change of heart?
00:12:10Well, I guess you kind of got to me with all that sentimental family stuff.
00:12:14Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're coming around.
00:12:16Hey, if you don't have family, what do you have, right?
00:12:20So you want to come over and help me pack?
00:12:25No, I can.
00:12:26I gotta go tutor some jocks.
00:12:28Oh, you're such a compassionate man.
00:12:30I am a giver.
00:12:32Pick you up tomorrow morning, 8 o'clock.
00:12:34Okay.
00:12:41This better work.
00:12:46Run.
00:12:56Look out, look out.
00:12:57Hey.
00:13:04What's taking him so long?
00:13:10Sorry, Ms. Peterson.
00:13:12Coach likes to stay in touch.
00:13:13Let's go.
00:13:15It's...
00:13:16I don't know.
00:13:26What's going on?
00:13:27Let's go.
00:14:01And when you're driving a Porsche, it's like you have a relationship with it.
00:14:04Like it knows you and it's listening and just responding.
00:14:07That is so true.
00:14:09And downshifting, you don't know what downshifting can do to downshift it in a Porsche.
00:14:13You are a lucky man, Wilkinson.
00:14:15That is so true.
00:14:18So, Jake, are you feeling lucky?
00:14:20I'm instantly.
00:14:21Well, I think that's all about to change.
00:14:27Something wrong, fellas?
00:14:29You think you're some kind of wise guy, right?
00:14:31You think it's real funny to make us look like morons, right?
00:14:33What are you talking about?
00:14:35The beepers, dipstick.
00:14:37Ian, where's Ian?
00:14:39Twelve!
00:14:40Thirty-two!
00:14:41Fourteen!
00:14:42Oh, man!
00:14:45Look, I'm sure there's some explanation for this.
00:14:47Let me make a couple phone calls.
00:14:48I think we're done explaining.
00:14:52Boys?
00:14:53Come on, guys.
00:14:55Fellas, fellas.
00:15:02All right, see you guys later.
00:15:04Have a good break.
00:15:08All right, Jake, where are you?
00:15:21I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
00:15:26With every Christmas card I try
00:15:35May those days, may your days, may your days
00:15:38Be merry and bright
00:15:42Oh, God.
00:15:46Wish I were dead.
00:15:50I said I wished I were dead.
00:15:57What the?
00:16:05Let's see you sweet talk your way out of this one
00:16:07Eddie and the boys
00:16:09It's the last time I do business with those guys
00:16:13Go on, get out of here
00:16:18Ow!
00:16:20You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks?
00:16:25That, too?
00:16:27This is not acceptable!
00:16:29This is not acceptable!
00:16:41Sit.
00:16:43Roll over.
00:16:45Die.
00:16:53Hey, it's Jake.
00:16:54You found me.
00:16:56Idiot!
00:16:57Who's an idiot?
00:16:59I am.
00:17:00Jake Flaked, huh?
00:17:02What a surprise.
00:17:04Well, lucky for you, the Ed Man's here to the rescue,
00:17:07so what do you say we blow this popsicle stand
00:17:09because I got butt warmers in the seats?
00:17:11You're loving this, aren't you?
00:17:14Pretty much, yeah.
00:17:17Okay, let's go.
00:17:18All right.
00:17:19Oh, no, no, no, no. Allow me. I got it. I got it.
00:17:23The ultimate in irony.
00:17:2517 Academy kids are driving back east this winter,
00:17:28and I get a ride with you.
00:17:30Just the two of us.
00:17:32Riding the crest of destiny's rainbow.
00:17:34Sharing, caring,
00:17:37prepare for the ages.
00:17:39Okay, hold on. First, the ground rules.
00:17:42If you say too many stupid things like that,
00:17:44I'll have to slug you.
00:17:45If you say anything nasty about Jake,
00:17:47I'll have to slug you.
00:17:48If you try to feel me up,
00:17:50I'll have to slug you.
00:17:51If you make me listen to any sexist,
00:17:54racist, or homophobic jokes,
00:17:56I'm gonna have to slug you.
00:17:58And finally, I might just have to slug you
00:18:00from time to time simply because
00:18:01I find the prospect of driving across the country
00:18:03with you incredibly stressful.
00:18:06All right. Sounds like a party to me.
00:18:11So, uh, what should we listen to?
00:18:13Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
00:18:15I'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
00:18:17Cut the crap, Eddie.
00:18:18I'm already in the car.
00:18:19All right, let's burn this, baby.
00:18:21New York, yeah!
00:18:24New York, yeah!
00:18:25New York, yeah!
00:18:27New York, yeah!
00:18:28New York, yeah!
00:18:28New York, yeah!
00:18:30New York, yeah!
00:18:31They'll be singing
00:18:34Gonna be singing
00:18:37Christmas carols
00:18:39By the old parade
00:18:43Celebrating
00:18:44Hungry-cating
00:18:46And exchanging greetings
00:18:49By the old parade
00:18:52There'll be lots of little children
00:18:56And I think their eyes will be
00:18:58So they see what Santa left around the tree
00:19:04They'll be merry
00:19:06Singing those merry
00:19:09Christmas carols
00:19:11By the old parade
00:19:16Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:17You got the machine.
00:19:18You know the...
00:19:18Allie, it's me.
00:19:20Listen, I am so sorry.
00:19:29Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:30Desert Santa Buzzer Tumbleweed!
00:19:33This totally sucks.
00:19:36You got a mean disposition for a Santa.
00:19:40I need to make another phone call.
00:19:42Long distance?
00:19:44What from here is not long distance?
00:19:58Hello?
00:19:59Tracy, it's Jake.
00:20:01Oh, hi.
00:20:01Where are you?
00:20:03I'm in the middle of nowhere
00:20:04Dressed like Santa Claus
00:20:06Being attacked by a killer Tumbleweed.
00:20:08Cool.
00:20:09Get me, Dad.
00:20:10When did I become your slave?
00:20:12The day you were born.
00:20:14Oh, right.
00:20:16Oh, Dad!
00:20:18It's the prodigal son.
00:20:21Hello?
00:20:23Hello?
00:20:23Hello, Father.
00:20:24Dad.
00:20:25Jake, you sound funny.
00:20:26Are you at the airport?
00:20:28Well, I've had some setbacks, but if you wire me some money, I'll make it home for Christmas.
00:20:33Just what kind of a bind are you in, Jake?
00:20:35He's in the middle of nowhere dressed as Santa Claus being attacked by a killer bumblebee.
00:20:40That's Tumbleweed.
00:20:41Otherwise, it's just like she said.
00:20:43That is the worst alibi in a long line of bad alibis, Jake.
00:20:47But it's all true.
00:20:49That's what you always say.
00:20:50I know, but I really need your help if I'm going to make it home on time.
00:20:54Now, look, we had a deal.
00:20:55It is up to you to get yourself home on Christmas Eve, or you can forget about the Porsche.
00:21:00Dad?
00:21:05Excuse me.
00:21:06I couldn't help overhearing.
00:21:08You're trying to get home for Christmas, and your father won't help you?
00:21:13Oh, it's not that.
00:21:14Dad, it's just...
00:21:19He's so worried about the operation.
00:21:21He's not thinking clearly.
00:21:25Operation?
00:21:26Yeah.
00:21:27The whole family chipped in and got him a triple bypass for Christmas.
00:21:31I sent home every last dollar I earned working as a shopping mall Santa.
00:21:37The operation's on Christmas Eve, and now I won't be home until after the anesthesia wears off.
00:21:44Oh, dear.
00:21:47You know, me and the girls are driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones.
00:21:52We're Tom Tom girls.
00:21:55You want to ride with us?
00:21:57Do you have What's New Pussycat?
00:21:59Do we have What's New Pussycat?
00:22:03What's New Pussycat?
00:22:04Oh, what's New Pussycat?
00:22:08Oh, what's New Pussycat?
00:22:09Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:22:13Could, uh, we crack open a window?
00:22:16You think it's funny how easily old people can catch pneumonia?
00:22:20You think that's a joke?
00:22:22Ha, ha, ha.
00:22:23No.
00:22:24It's just, I had a hard night, and I'm not feeling so well.
00:22:27Hey, get out of there!
00:22:31Darlene, Mama's teeth have fallen out of her mouth again.
00:22:35Just wedge them back in, dear.
00:22:38Okay, Santa Claus, make yourself useful,
00:22:41and just put those right back in her mouth.
00:22:44Gertens, anyone?
00:22:47Oh, for Pete's sake.
00:22:50Oh, well, that's lovely. What happened?
00:22:53Santa just yammied in your handbag.
00:22:58There he goes again.
00:22:59Well, stop him!
00:23:01Okay, here, Santa! Santa, get up!
00:23:07Did I hurt you, Santa?
00:23:10Good.
00:23:11All right, Buster, out you get!
00:23:14Out you get out!
00:23:16Get out of here! Get out of here, you!
00:23:20And take your beard with you!
00:23:22Ha! I never heard of such a...
00:23:24Imagine yammeing in my sister's handbag!
00:23:36There you go, there's five.
00:23:39Desert Santa Buzzard Tumbleweed.
00:23:42Desert Santa Buzzard Tumbleweed.
00:23:45Oh, I love this game.
00:23:47Pick which one is not like the others?
00:23:48Uh, Santa.
00:23:49No, idiot.
00:23:51It's a message Jake left on my machine.
00:23:54Wow.
00:23:56Bizarre, huh?
00:23:57Yeah.
00:24:01Thanks.
00:24:11Allie?
00:24:15Eddie?
00:24:17Eddie?
00:24:27Oh, my God.
00:24:30Allie!
00:24:31What's wrong with you?
00:24:33Uh, we gotta go.
00:24:34We're just way behind schedule.
00:24:37Allie, wait!
00:24:39Allie!
00:24:40Stop!
00:24:43Wait!
00:24:46Stop!
00:24:53I'll have a blue Christmas without you.
00:25:03I'll be so blue.
00:25:06I'll be so blue.
00:25:08Just thinking about you.
00:25:15I'll be so blue.
00:25:16Just thinking about you.
00:25:16Decoration of red on a green Christmas tree.
00:25:26It won't...
00:25:27It won't...
00:25:28It won't...
00:25:29Mean a thing...
00:25:31If you're not here...
00:25:34If you're not here...
00:25:34With me...
00:25:35This is the worst day of my life.
00:25:40Snowflakes...
00:25:41And it just got worse.
00:25:42Snowflakes...
00:25:44Falling...
00:25:45That's when those blue...
00:25:49Memories...
00:25:51Start calling...
00:25:53Start calling...
00:25:56You'll be doing...
00:25:59All right...
00:26:02With your Christmas...
00:26:04For white...
00:26:07But I'll have...
00:26:09A blue...
00:26:11Blue, blue Christmas...
00:26:18Oh...
00:26:23But I'll have...
00:26:26Hell, blue...
00:26:27Blue, blue Christmas...
00:26:28Blue, blue Christmas...
00:26:32Oh!
00:26:33Oh!
00:26:33Oh!
00:26:33Oh!
00:26:33Oh! Oh!
00:26:33Oh! Oh! Oh! Dubby...
00:26:35Seek a fat man handshake.
00:26:36All right.
00:26:38You know, confidentially speaking...
00:26:40Just between us Santas...
00:26:42Don't you ever get tired of wearing this sleeping mask?
00:26:43I mean, every year, it's the same suit.
00:26:45Red, red, red, red, red.
00:26:47I mean, does any guy really look good in red?
00:26:50I don't think so.
00:26:53Got room on the sled for two?
00:26:56Thanks.
00:26:57I really appreciate it.
00:26:59You're a pal.
00:27:32Whoa.
00:27:33You're not so cute in the morning.
00:27:35I'm kind of glad nothing happened.
00:27:37Ow!
00:27:38You just slugged me.
00:27:40As per our agreement.
00:27:46Wake up, Chief.
00:27:48Time to feed the reindeer.
00:27:53All right, I'm going, I'm going.
00:27:56Ah!
00:27:58Oh!
00:28:04Here comes Saddle.
00:28:06Here comes Saddle.
00:28:08Right down Saddle's land.
00:28:10There comes Saddle's land.
00:28:12It's the same.
00:28:13I'll leave the reindeer
00:28:14pulling on the rain.
00:28:17Well, there's all a ring until the fear
00:28:20is melting and bright.
00:28:23Hang your stockings and say a prayer.
00:28:26The road won't come together.
00:28:28Yeah, Merry Christmas, you too.
00:28:31Come side the clothes arrive, down side the clothes lane.
00:28:35He's gonna bang up till we'll talk for boys and girls again.
00:28:41Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle, what a beautiful sound.
00:28:48Come on, where's your name?
00:28:50Come on, where's your name?
00:28:52Bang!
00:28:57Come on, where's your name?
00:28:59Come around, it's time to bring out.
00:29:02It's Christmas morn again.
00:29:05Peace on earth will come tomorrow.
00:29:08We just follow the light.
00:29:11Bless you, baby.
00:29:13Come on, where's your name?
00:29:15Come on, where's your name?
00:29:15Christmas morn again.
00:29:18Peace on earth will come tomorrow.
00:29:23We just follow the light.
00:29:23Oh, man.
00:29:26I went and killed Santa.
00:29:33Oh, no.
00:29:35Santa!
00:29:38Santa!
00:29:40Oh, thank God.
00:29:52Hang on, Santa, I'm coming.
00:29:55I'm coming.
00:29:56I'm coming, I'm coming.
00:29:57I'm coming.
00:29:58Hold on, hold on.
00:30:01Hey.
00:30:04Am I alive?
00:30:05Sir, I have never been happy to answer that question in my life.
00:30:09Yes, you are alive.
00:30:12You been asked that question before?
00:30:15Maybe ten, twelve times.
00:30:17Maybe ten, twelve times?
00:30:22Don't go.
00:30:24Dr. Jones, dr. Jones, dr. Jones, dr. Jones, wake up now.
00:30:28You be, yeah, you, yeah.
00:30:32You be, yeah, you, yeah, you.
00:30:34Uh, Alia, can I ask you something?
00:30:37Shoot.
00:30:38Uh, look, I'm a millennial type of guy, you know?
00:30:41I dig world music, I think Freon should be banned, you know?
00:30:44I'm all about yoga and macrobiotic food.
00:30:46I mean, I'm in touch with my inner child, for God's sake.
00:30:49Is the question coming before Ohio?
00:30:51Yeah, well, what I'm getting at is,
00:30:54what does Jake have that I haven't got?
00:30:58It's the stuff he comes up with.
00:31:01Funny things.
00:31:03Amazing things, things that, just give me the chills.
00:31:07Yeah, give me an example of one of these chills things, huh?
00:31:10Okay.
00:31:12Okay, there was this one time I was feeling really bad,
00:31:15it was, it was just a really down day,
00:31:17and Jake took my hand in his, and being really sweet, he said,
00:31:23not even the rain has such small hands.
00:31:27Not even the rain has such small hands?
00:31:30What a nerd!
00:31:32It's E.E. Cummings.
00:31:34Huh?
00:31:36Poetry, Eddie?
00:31:38And that gave you chills?
00:31:40You wouldn't understand.
00:31:45Allie?
00:31:46What?
00:31:49Not even the corn had such big ears.
00:31:53Oh, that's beautiful. I'm really moved, Eddie.
00:31:55Oh, look, cause if it's poetry you want, I got it, baby.
00:31:59There once was a man from Nantucket.
00:32:01Just drive the car, Eddie.
00:32:09Man, oh man, I was sure you were a goner.
00:32:12Nolan, it's been two hours, I can't have this conversation with you anymore.
00:32:17What conversation?
00:32:18The one where you go you were sure I was a goner, and I go, yeah, that was really a
00:32:21close one.
00:32:22Oh, okay.
00:32:28Hey, that's a Pathfinder, catch up with them.
00:32:30Who's them?
00:32:31My girlfriend.
00:32:33No kidding, all the way out here?
00:32:36Wait a minute, are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car with another guy?
00:32:41Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa and letting some other guy down the chimney?
00:32:46Why that two-time and hoe?
00:32:48Uh, Nolan, reality check?
00:32:51You say no more, Santa, I'm after them.
00:33:02Nolan, I said catch them, try not to kill us.
00:33:05All right, all right.
00:33:08Nolan, there's a cop behind us with his lights on, slow down.
00:33:12Oh man, cops make me nervous, I'm gonna make a run for it.
00:33:16What are you, nuts?
00:33:17Look, my daddy always said, it's better to go out in a blaze of glory than to rot in a
00:33:21state correctional facility.
00:33:25Let me guess, you're about to tell me the stuff in the back is stolen, right?
00:33:30I won't if you don't want me to.
00:33:33Stop the car, Nolan.
00:33:35Stop the?
00:33:36Stop the car.
00:33:43All right, come on Jake, think, think, think, think, think.
00:33:46I know, put this on, act like my elf.
00:33:49Uh, all right, all right.
00:33:51How do elves act?
00:33:52I don't know.
00:33:54Happy.
00:33:54Happy.
00:34:06Merry Christmas, officer.
00:34:08Problem?
00:34:10You in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
00:34:12Well, that's my fault.
00:34:13Busy time of year for me.
00:34:15Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:16I'm an elf.
00:34:18So it seems.
00:34:19Do you realize you were going 79 in a 65 mile per hour zone?
00:34:23You should try catching me in my sleigh.
00:34:26Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:28You see, officer, my elf Snowpuff and I are heading to the children's hospital in the next town.
00:34:33You mean Redcliffe?
00:34:35Yeah, Redcliffe, exactly.
00:34:36To distribute toys to the youngsters.
00:34:39You know, I'm sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit, but every second counts to a bedridden
00:34:43child.
00:34:46All right.
00:34:47I tell you what.
00:34:48No more speeding.
00:34:50Okay, Santa?
00:34:5165 stay alive.
00:34:53Merry Christmas.
00:34:55Thank you, officer.
00:34:57And that is how the big boys do it.
00:35:00You know what?
00:35:02My shift ends in a few minutes.
00:35:04Why don't you follow me?
00:35:05I'll get you there in no time.
00:35:09So that's how the big boys do it?
00:35:12Shut up, Nolan.
00:35:22So close, yet so far.
00:35:33Please stay in the car.
00:35:34Please stay in the car.
00:35:35Please stay in the car.
00:35:36Please stay in the car.
00:35:36Oh, man.
00:35:38I guess he couldn't hear you.
00:35:46Hey, thank you, officer.
00:35:47Say, do you all mind if I go in there with you?
00:35:49I kind of like to see the kids' faces, you know, when you give them their gifts.
00:35:53The more, the merrier.
00:35:58And I want a pony and a Barbie Dreamhouse and Lightbrite Deluxe and...
00:36:02Now, that's all great stuff, but Santa's gonna give you something even better.
00:36:06A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster with exclusive Aki Toast sensor for consistent toasting time after time.
00:36:13Now, sweetie, this toaster is extra wide so you can get four bagels in there instead of the usual two.
00:36:19Okay, thank you, Santa.
00:36:20You're welcome.
00:36:21But, Santa, this toaster was already promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan.
00:36:29Hand it over to the kids' snowpuff.
00:36:35All right, let's get this line moving.
00:36:37Who's next?
00:36:39All righty.
00:36:40And what do you want for Christmas?
00:36:44And finally...
00:36:45Ho, ho, ho.
00:36:47Merry Christmas.
00:36:48And what's your name, little boy?
00:36:50Esteban.
00:36:51Esteban.
00:36:52All right, let's see what we have here today for Esteban.
00:36:58Look at this.
00:37:00A Eureka Boss Cordless Rechargeable Vacuum Cleaner.
00:37:03No, thank you.
00:37:07Well, uh, I don't know what else I have here for you, buddy.
00:37:11What do you want for Christmas?
00:37:13To go home.
00:37:18I want to be with mi mamá, mi papá, mi hermana Maribel, mi hermano Mario, tío Carlos y mi tío
00:37:27Ramón, tía Cristina, tía María, grandmothers and grandfathers and my dog, Sorito, and half Christmas tree and lights and angels
00:37:40and Christmas cookies.
00:37:42With little red and green sprinkles on top and plum pudding and Christmas carols and...
00:37:49Aw, sugar doll.
00:37:50I miss you so much.
00:37:51I don't want to offend stolen goods no more.
00:37:53I just want to...
00:37:54I want you to come home for Christmas.
00:37:55Please, Marjorie, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
00:37:58I don't know how I'm gonna get through the holidays without you.
00:38:01I just need to talk to my dad or Tracy.
00:38:04Are either of them there?
00:38:06Oh, gee, your dad and Tracy went to the mall.
00:38:09It's just me holding down the fort.
00:38:12Uh-huh.
00:38:12We are all so excited you're coming home.
00:38:16We've got the tree all set up.
00:38:18It looks great.
00:38:19And I've just been shopping and cooking and cooking and shopping.
00:38:23Speaking of which, your sweater size.
00:38:26Are you a... you're a 38, right?
00:38:29Yeah, I guess.
00:38:31Where are you now?
00:38:33Are you on your way home?
00:38:34Yeah, look, I gotta run.
00:38:36So, uh, you take care now, okay?
00:38:39Okay.
00:38:40Bye.
00:38:41Bye.
00:38:54I gotta tell you, Santa, sir,
00:38:56although I've only been your elf for a very short time,
00:38:59I feel like a new man, changed.
00:39:02Do I look changed to you?
00:39:06Well, maybe you've changed on the inside where it counts.
00:39:09Yeah, that's it.
00:39:10I've changed on the inside, and I'm going home for Christmas.
00:39:15Home?
00:39:15I thought you were going east.
00:39:17Nope.
00:39:17Back the other way.
00:39:18But, Nolan, I saved your buck back down the road.
00:39:21Don't you think you owe me something?
00:39:23Yeah.
00:39:24Yes, I do.
00:39:28Didn't mean to leave you hanging, buddy.
00:39:30Oh!
00:39:32Merry Christmas!
00:39:32Merry Christmas!
00:39:36What?
00:39:36Can I have a word with you?
00:39:38What is it?
00:39:39Well, it's my wife, Marjorie.
00:39:41She left me last month, and, well, if I could just get her back home for Christmas, I know we
00:39:45could start again.
00:39:47Why are you telling me this?
00:39:48She won't listen to me, but I got a hunch she might listen to Santa.
00:39:52See, if you walked into the restaurant where she works and asked her to forgive me, I know she'd come
00:39:56home.
00:39:57She left you, right?
00:39:58Yeah.
00:39:59So what's your dignity?
00:40:01Don't go crawling back to her.
00:40:02Let her come groveling back to you.
00:40:04Yeah, maybe you're right.
00:40:05Why drive all the way to Nebraska just to get slammed again?
00:40:09Wait, Nebraska?
00:40:11As an eastie here?
00:40:12It's about a six-hour trip.
00:40:14What's the matter with you, man?
00:40:15You love her enough to marry her, but you won't take a little drive?
00:40:20So, Max, what'd you do that made your wife so mad she'd take a job 300 miles away?
00:40:25Oh, I stayed out at Smitty's till 3 one morning.
00:40:27It doesn't seem so bad.
00:40:29With an old girlfriend.
00:40:33All right, here's the deal.
00:40:34If I get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, you buy me a bus ticket to New York.
00:40:38If you can get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, I'll buy you a bus ticket to the moon.
00:40:44All right.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:49Looking good.
00:40:50Yeah.
00:40:51I got kind of a weird call from Jake while you were out.
00:40:54He didn't say where he was calling from, but I'm pretty sure he's on the road.
00:40:58I hope he's gonna make it okay.
00:41:00There is not an obstacle in this world that will keep my son from this car.
00:41:05Oh, my God! There's a scratch! There's a scratch!
00:41:07Where? Where?
00:41:08Get a wife, Dad.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:21Well, she's ready for you, son.
00:41:25Wherever you are.
00:41:35There she is, right there.
00:41:38Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
00:41:41Yeah, no doubt.
00:41:42So what do you want me to tell her?
00:41:43That if she doesn't come home, I'll die.
00:41:48Good. Die!
00:41:49Now, don't you think you're being a little bit harsh now, Marjorie?
00:41:52Harsh?
00:41:52After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty's?
00:41:57Well, you know, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right?
00:41:59Like brother, sister.
00:42:00There was tongue.
00:42:02There was not!
00:42:04There was too, you big pig!
00:42:06Everybody saw it.
00:42:07Marjorie, it wasn't me kissing her.
00:42:10It was the Eggermeister.
00:42:12We made a commitment, Max, to honor and obey for better or for worse.
00:42:17Okay, this is worse.
00:42:19Ugh, he really burns my biscuits.
00:42:21Let me handle this one, okay, Max?
00:42:25Don't you think you should give Max another chance?
00:42:27I mean, maybe this is all just a misunderstanding.
00:42:30He kissed her.
00:42:30How do you misunderstand that?
00:42:32Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you.
00:42:34You know, it's just like this other couple I know.
00:42:37We're all upset about a misunderstanding.
00:42:39Oh, yeah? What's wrong with them?
00:42:40Well, they had a trip planned to go back east, and he canceled last minute
00:42:43because he wanted to take her to Cabo San Lucas for Christmas instead.
00:42:46But she thought he was being selfish, which was a misunderstanding.
00:42:50No, it wasn't. He sounds like a jerk.
00:42:51No, he's not.
00:42:53I mean, if she had understood, she would have realized that the guy's got a stepmother that he doesn't like
00:42:57very much.
00:42:57Well, what's wrong with the stepmother?
00:42:59Well, the dad married her only ten months after his wife died.
00:43:02She must be a babe.
00:43:04Why is this guy mad at the stepmother? It's not her fault.
00:43:07Don't you think ten months is a little soon?
00:43:09No, she's a babe.
00:43:12Look, what does any of this have to do with me and Max?
00:43:16Misunderstandings can be overcome if both people just try.
00:43:20Look, right now Max is sitting out there with a broken heart, and all he's asking for is a second
00:43:25chance.
00:43:26Just give him another shot.
00:43:30Hey, Marge. I was about a tougher on this coffee.
00:43:35You know what? I've got a job to do.
00:43:44How'd it go?
00:43:45Well, you know what a swirly is?
00:43:47You mean when somebody jams your head in a toilet bowl and flushes it?
00:43:50Yeah, it was pretty much like that.
00:43:51Oh, man.
00:43:52Now get in there. Say something romantic.
00:43:55Huh?
00:43:56Something apologetic?
00:43:59Um...
00:43:59Something in English!
00:44:01Jesus!
00:44:03All right already!
00:44:04Come on.
00:44:15I got an idea.
00:44:22I got an idea
00:44:28Oh, Margerie,
00:44:31Oh, Margerie,
00:44:34I need to have you home.
00:44:41Oh, Margerie,
00:44:43Oh, Margerie,
00:44:46I need to have you home
00:44:53I'm sorry I was such an insensitive jerk that night
00:45:00I hope that singing this song will make everything all right
00:45:09You're not the only one
00:45:10Oh Marjorie
00:45:14Oh baby
00:45:17Oh baby
00:45:23I'll make it up to you on the velvet skirt of the Christmas tree
00:45:35See you're my wife I'd give my life
00:45:45If you just come home
00:45:56Now on your knees
00:45:59Now on your knees
00:46:01Don't sing it
00:46:08Marjorie I'm so sorry baby
00:46:11Won't you please
00:46:29Here's your ticket
00:46:30Your bus will be here in ten minutes
00:46:33Thanks
00:46:33Thank you
00:46:40Well see ya
00:46:42Hey Santa
00:46:43Yeah
00:46:44I uh I hope that other couple you know works through their misunderstandings
00:46:51Me too
00:46:55What other couple
00:46:57No it doesn't matter
00:46:59It's just you and me baby
00:47:08You know what I've always wondered
00:47:11What
00:47:12Out of all the planets in the universe
00:47:14How is it that this is the only one that spawned intelligent life
00:47:20Yeah
00:47:22You know what I always wonder about
00:47:24What's that
00:47:25How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet
00:47:28Like Denny's
00:47:29When you think about it
00:47:30They give you your meat
00:47:31Your eggs
00:47:32Your spuds right in the pan
00:47:33Man that rocks
00:47:34Or like when a homeless guy
00:47:35He comes up to you and he says he's the messiah
00:47:37And then he asks you for money
00:47:38And you're just like pfff
00:47:39You know you just want to walk away
00:47:40But then you think to yourself
00:47:41What happens if he is the messiah
00:47:43And I'm just blowing the dude off
00:47:47Think about it
00:47:49I take back what I said about intelligent life on earth
00:47:56Hey look at that
00:47:58Ugh
00:48:00Velveeta
00:48:00Come on now
00:48:02That's why we have to stay there
00:48:04Come on where would you rather go
00:48:06Another dumpy motel
00:48:08Or a fake Bavarian village in the middle of nowhere
00:48:11I don't think it's very eddy
00:48:13Well I think it's totally eddy
00:48:15It's completely cheesy and trying to be cool
00:48:19When are you going to stop being mean to the ed man huh?
00:48:22When do you stop referring to yourself in the third person?
00:48:39Maybe I should just go with it
00:48:50Hey
00:48:51Hey
00:48:52Hey
00:48:53Check this out and tell me what's better
00:48:56Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas
00:48:59Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas
00:49:02Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas
00:49:06Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas
00:49:22Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:29ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:29ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:39ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:41ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:43ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:44ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:44ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:44ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:44ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:45ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:49:45ho
00:49:53Well, look at that.
00:49:55The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady.
00:49:58How typical.
00:50:00Don't witness it.
00:50:01You might have to testify.
00:50:04Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.
00:50:07I'm a witty guy.
00:50:08I mean, you think this astonishing physique is all the Ed man has to offer, huh?
00:50:13Well, take this, Ed man.
00:50:16Oh, my God, you're dead.
00:50:18You're so dead.
00:50:19You're going to get it so dead.
00:50:20Oh, my God.
00:50:25This is Wendy Richards reporting live from Adelbrook, Iowa,
00:50:28site of the Strudelstrawson and world-famous human clock.
00:50:31Now, the temperature outside stands at 31 degrees,
00:50:34but, of course, the temperature is always a little bit warmer
00:50:37underneath the mistletoe arch, and here's a couple now.
00:50:40I hope you kids know where you're standing.
00:50:48I'll kill him.
00:50:49Air attention, please.
00:50:50Bus 33 to New York is now boarding.
00:50:53All passengers with tickets, please.
00:50:54I'll say to Kerr.
00:50:59I think you just stopped being mean to me.
00:51:17Excuse me.
00:51:18Conway?
00:51:18Get behind the yellow line.
00:51:19Hey, just a second.
00:51:20I need to ask you a favor.
00:51:21Just get behind the yellow line.
00:51:23I realize you're on a schedule, but it being the holidays and all.
00:51:26I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a small detour to Adelbrook.
00:51:28I think everyone would really enjoy it.
00:51:30But I wouldn't.
00:51:32What if we...
00:51:33No.
00:51:33How about we...
00:51:34No.
00:51:34But...
00:51:35No.
00:51:36Got it.
00:51:41That is very good.
00:51:43Look at that.
00:52:02Sorry we only had one room left tonight.
00:52:04It'd been Christmas and all.
00:52:05But, uh, I think you'll find it's very special.
00:52:11Feel coming to your honeymoon suite.
00:52:35Is this yours?
00:52:37Hmm?
00:52:38No.
00:52:39Not yours either.
00:52:41Whose is it?
00:52:45human liver organ donation oh my god we've got a live liver here it says
00:52:51delivered to ali henderson in edelbrook asap think it's real let's take a look
00:52:57we need to get to edelbrook okay everybody sit down what the hell is wrong with you man get
00:53:06behind the yellow line don't give me your lip i don't believe you man there's a little girl in
00:53:11edelbrook that needs a liver transplant we got a schedule to keep schedule schedule shame on you
00:53:17this isn't about schedules man it's the gift of life the greatest christmas gift ever and we've
00:53:23even got santa to bring it to her this is a non-stop bus to new york this is happening
00:53:28for a reason
00:53:28we were put on this bus to take this organ to edelbrook edelbrook edelbrook edelbrook okay okay
00:53:38you think i don't care about that little girl well you're wrong we're going to edelbrook all right
00:53:43but because i say we are everybody behind the yellow line and sit down
00:53:56it's funny eddie i never thought i'd end up sleeping in the same bed with you and
00:54:01yet somehow with you here i feel safe you want me to put on any more clothes
00:54:07no that should be fine good night addy good night
00:54:22i'm giving you 10 minutes you found that girl
00:54:26get together
00:54:27go
00:54:35i'mporter
00:54:35and good
00:54:47can you tell me if there's not a headderson are an eddie tafet checked in here
00:54:50I'm sorry, Santa. I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
00:54:54Listen, ma'am, I have a full plate of activities tonight.
00:54:56Not to mention a pesky Grinch who has kidnapped Mrs. Claus in an attempt to make my life miserable.
00:55:01I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
00:55:04Policy? Policy does not apply to me. I override policy.
00:55:08I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:46I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:50I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:57Maintenance.
00:56:02Where is he?
00:56:03Jake? What are you doing here?
00:56:07Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?
00:56:09I had to hijack a bus.
00:56:10Eddie and his buddies left me in the desert like this the other night.
00:56:14Desert Santa buzzard tumbleweed.
00:56:16So what gives with you kissing that slimy moron?
00:56:19It's not what you think.
00:56:21Jake, what are you doing here, bud? This love nest is full.
00:56:24Calm down, Jake. Nothing happened.
00:56:26Where's the trust, man?
00:56:28I saw you kissing her on TV, you dirtbag.
00:56:30He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds. Big deal.
00:56:33It was more like five seconds.
00:56:36And they were good.
00:56:40Fal. Fighting Fal.
00:56:45How could you let that idiot give you a ride?
00:56:47I thought you left me high and dry.
00:56:49What was I supposed to do? Beam myself home?
00:56:52Allie, I was stuck in the desert. I couldn't get to you.
00:56:54I had no choice.
00:56:58Okay, forgive you.
00:57:07So, you still mad at me?
00:57:10Yo, if anyone should be mad here, it's me, okay?
00:57:13Because I've had to listen to non-stop Natalie Merchant, EZ Cummings.
00:57:16That's E.E. Cummings.
00:57:18I have been stuck in a Santa suit for two days,
00:57:20biting off buzzards, dentures, and thugs in lederhosen.
00:57:23I'm tired, I'm hungry, I stink, and because of you,
00:57:26I'm not gonna be home by six o'clock tonight.
00:57:29Why do you have to be home by six o'clock?
00:57:32What's that?
00:57:34You heard the question, why do you have to be home by six?
00:57:39Because that's when dinner will be ready?
00:57:41Ow!
00:57:42If you have even one decent chromosome in your DNA,
00:57:45you will not lie to me right now, Jake.
00:57:48All right.
00:57:51It's just that, if I get home by then,
00:57:55my dad's gonna give me the Porsche.
00:57:58The Porsche.
00:57:59Allie, let me...
00:58:00Wait!
00:58:01So you didn't trade Cabo for me, you traded it for a car.
00:58:04It's not like that!
00:58:05You two deserve each other.
00:58:10Woo!
00:58:11Allie, wait.
00:58:13Will you just stop and listen to me?
00:58:15Look, if I had to do it all over again,
00:58:17I probably wouldn't mention the stupid car.
00:58:19Ugh!
00:58:20What? I was kidding!
00:58:22You don't care about anybody but yourself.
00:58:24You're a manipulator and a liar.
00:58:26I am not a liar.
00:58:27Hey, wait a minute.
00:58:28You're the girl who needs the transplant?
00:58:30Is that what Santa told you?
00:58:33Uh-huh.
00:58:35Right.
00:58:36I'm taking his place on the bus.
00:58:38No, wait, Allie, give me another chance.
00:58:39Why?
00:58:41Because I care about you.
00:58:43You gotta believe me.
00:58:45Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh,
00:58:48I wouldn't believe you.
00:58:50Allie, I'm sorry.
00:58:52You know, I can't take fake remorse from a fake Santa making fake apologies.
00:58:56You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake, but I'll tell you one thing.
00:58:59You're a genuine butthole.
00:59:05Bye, Santa.
00:59:26I got a rose.
00:59:28The one I love is gone.
00:59:31I got a rose.
00:59:34The one I love is gone.
00:59:36I got a rose before, but that was nuclear.
00:59:37I mean, she wasn't even aiming at me, and I'm gonna be walking funny for like a week.
00:59:41How do girls do that?
00:59:42I don't know.
00:59:43It's like that whole chick verbal skills thing.
00:59:45It's deadly.
00:59:47Oh, man.
00:59:48You know what?
00:59:48I gotta tell you, bro.
00:59:49I would have never thought I'd ever help you out.
00:59:52After that massacre, man, I just wouldn't be human.
00:59:55God, I never thought I'd be driving home with you either.
00:59:57It's pretty wild.
00:59:58Oh, it sure is.
01:00:00All right, now I get home in time to get the Porsche.
01:00:01I'll drive it back to school in January, figure out how to get Allie back.
01:00:05Everything's gonna be great.
01:00:07Thanks, Ed man.
01:00:10Sure.
01:00:17Get out.
01:00:17What?
01:00:19All that stuff you just said.
01:00:20I'm sorry, man.
01:00:22I just can't do that much good stuff for another person.
01:00:25You know?
01:00:26It'd be way bad for my rep.
01:00:27Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:00:28What are you talking about?
01:00:28I mean, what about that stuff you just said about being human, helping out another guy and
01:00:32me?
01:00:32Dude, I just took you to Wisconsin.
01:00:35Besides, what am I doing helping you out so you can get a Porsche and be cooler than
01:00:38me?
01:00:40Not very smart.
01:00:42Not very, Ed.
01:00:49You're gonna have to take that off first.
01:00:51Yeah, I know that.
01:01:04Father Christmas, just tell me what you want from me.
01:01:19You better hurry!
01:01:22You better hurry!
01:01:25walking up with you welding differently.
01:01:40Good job.
01:01:42All you are doing is a classic.
01:01:48It's in line with you all the best life.
01:01:48He doesn't do it!
01:01:49It's called carb ''loading' best thing you can do before a race like
01:01:53this.
01:01:55hi i'd like a number please okay that'll be a ten dollar entrance fee
01:01:59you know i nailed that in oh okay so we sent you a receipt yes yes you did but you
01:02:06see here's the
01:02:07dilly there was a house fire and everything got torched you know personal papers family photos
01:02:12that little clay handprint ashtray i made when i was three oh tragic tale i'll cover the kid
01:02:19hey thanks jake wilkinson jeff wilson here's your hat and beard you gotta have them on when you
01:02:27cross the finish line or you'll be disqualified here we go again
01:02:34can anyone in this race actually run well sparky fanaloni won the state marathon 10 years ago
01:02:39that was before the two pack a day habit and subsequent lung removal
01:02:45okay let's go give us a run for our money denyan yes all santa's to the starting line
01:02:53all santa's to the starting line
01:02:58see you at the finish line all right
01:03:00go santa's go
01:03:02go santa's go
01:03:08On your marks!
01:03:12On your marks!
01:03:15Get set!
01:03:41Run, run Rudolph, Shannon's gotta make it down!
01:03:47Shannon make it up again, he can get the freeway down!
01:03:53Run, run Rudolph, cause I really like a merry-go-round!
01:03:59Hey, Jingle Balls, move your candy canes!
01:04:05All I want for Christmas is a rock and roll electric guitar!
01:04:11Go, Shannon, go!
01:04:13Run, run Rudolph, make it like a silly style!
01:04:18Run, run Rudolph, and it's gotta make it down!
01:04:22Want a cookie?
01:04:23Hot lunch?
01:04:27Oh, man!
01:04:45Get up!
01:04:47I can't see her!
01:04:48Oh my God!
01:04:49Get up!
01:04:50Oh!
01:04:51Oh!
01:04:51Oh!
01:04:52Oh!
01:04:53Oh!
01:04:56Well, that's the end of that.
01:04:58Oh!
01:05:02Or not!
01:05:04Here you go, easy.
01:05:05Are you okay?
01:05:06Looks like it's just you and me now.
01:05:08Ready to make a run for it?
01:05:10I was born ready.
01:05:13Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:20Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:23Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:26Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:30Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:33Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:39Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:43Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:46Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:46Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:47Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:49Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:49Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:49Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:50Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:52Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:53Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:14Thank you very much, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.
01:06:27Jake, Jake, thank God, dude, they're going to try to arrest me.
01:06:30They're going to try to arrest me.
01:06:31Come down and meet me at the station, please, man, I'm second.
01:06:35Taxi!
01:06:38Santa says take me to the airport.
01:06:48One, one hundred, two, one hundred, three, one hundred.
01:06:56Hey there, all right.
01:06:58Hey, you're the kid who beat Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5K.
01:07:01Yep, that's me.
01:07:03Wait a minute, Mayor Wilson?
01:07:05Oh, you didn't know?
01:07:06Well, he wins every year.
01:07:07A lot of us folks wish he'd won this year, too.
01:07:09Yeah, he seemed like a good guy.
01:07:11Keeps the potholes filled, huh?
01:07:13Yeah, he keeps the potholes filled.
01:07:14He also donates his entire winnings every year to buy turkeys for people who can't afford them.
01:07:22He had to be the mayor.
01:07:28Can you turn around, please?
01:07:37I'll be right back.
01:08:01Hey.
01:08:04When did Santa start using the mailbox?
01:08:06Oh, didn't you hear about the new work exchange?
01:08:08Well, you know, there's no reason for the new work exchange program.
01:08:10Postman should be coming down your chimney a little later.
01:08:13You got some place to go?
01:08:15Yeah, it's Christmas Eve.
01:08:17Who doesn't?
01:08:19I can set a place for you.
01:08:23No, thanks.
01:08:24I'll be fine.
01:08:27Jake.
01:08:29Merry Christmas.
01:08:31Yes. You too.
01:08:51Yes, operator, it's collect from Jake.
01:08:55Tracy, accept the... Thank you.
01:08:58My, my, dear brother, you are sounding slightly stressed.
01:09:01Is it the bumblebees again?
01:09:02Look, Tracy, I'm not gonna make it home and I want you to tell Dad, okay?
01:09:06What do you mean you're not gonna make it home?
01:09:08Is this about Carolyn?
01:09:10No. It's about being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no money.
01:09:15The raid I'm going, I'll show up sometime in January, so Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and I'll see you
01:09:19around.
01:09:20Wait, what about the Porsche?
01:09:22What about it?
01:09:24Wow, you really must be in trouble.
01:09:27Would you fly home right now if you could?
01:09:30Uh, like, yeah.
01:09:31I've got at least four years of birthday money stashed upstairs in my ballerina bag.
01:09:35If I went to a ticket agent right now and bought you a plane ticket home, you'd make it in
01:09:39time for Christmas, right?
01:09:41You'd do that for me?
01:09:43No. I'd do it for Dad.
01:09:46Plus, think of the incredible pleasure I'll have holding this over your head for the rest of our lives.
01:09:51Okay, fine. Whatever you want. I'm near Madison, Wisconsin. I'll hitch a ride to the airport. I'll see you soon.
01:09:56Wait, uh, I don't have any ID. How am I gonna pick up the ticket?
01:10:00Hmm. I know. I'll make up a secret password to go with your reservation that only you would know.
01:10:05Great. What's it gonna be?
01:10:06I am a smelly and revolting jerk who doesn't deserve to live and my sister is a mad cool goddess.
01:10:11Bingo. Wilkinson, comma, Jake. Hmm. It's an unusual password.
01:10:16Unusual everything. So, what time's the flight leave?
01:10:18In 20 minutes. I'll need to see a picture ID.
01:10:21Well, I just gave you my password.
01:10:23That's right, sir, but I can't let you on the plane without proper identification.
01:10:26Then what was the point of my password?
01:10:28I don't make the rules, sir. It's just...
01:10:30Policy. I know. Thank you.
01:10:33I know. Next.
01:10:36Oh, shit.
01:10:42Hi.
01:11:03Good Ringo.
01:11:05Merry Christmas to you too, Ringo.
01:11:07Good Ringo.
01:11:10Oh, Pat Ringo, Pat Ringo.
01:11:21Hey, hey, Billy, get him, get him.
01:11:24Hey, Bruce, come here.
01:11:27Get him, come here.
01:11:28Come here.
01:11:31What is going on?
01:11:31Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:11:33Go ahead and get him.
01:11:39Go ahead and get him.
01:11:40Go ahead and get him.
01:11:42Get him.
01:11:49Excuse me, come over, excuse me.
01:12:01Merry Christmas, Santa.
01:12:03Got a ticket?
01:12:04No.
01:12:08The station is parallel.
01:12:09Next stop, new Rochelle, followed by Larchman, Larchman.
01:12:23Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
01:12:27He still has 15 minutes.
01:12:34Hey!
01:12:35Hey, hey, hey!
01:12:38Hey, lady!
01:12:39Give me a ride, please!
01:12:44Hey, give Santa a ride?
01:12:48Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
01:13:08Are you still in the class?
01:13:21Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no, don't turn left, don't turn left!
01:13:24No, no, no, what are you doing?
01:13:25Don't turn and go straight!
01:13:27Hey!
01:13:50All right, everybody, can't stand in.
01:13:57Package, package people, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:00I repeat, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:03You unwrap yourself, you are out of my parade.
01:14:06Do I make myself clear?
01:14:07Oh, my God!
01:14:09Oh, my God, that's what I'm doing.
01:14:12Oh, my God.
01:14:13Oh, my God.
01:14:14Oh, my God.
01:14:14And it's time.
01:14:15Hey!
01:14:16Hey!
01:14:18All right.
01:14:18What do you think you're doing?
01:14:19Hey!
01:14:21Buddy!
01:14:21Buddy!
01:14:22Buddy!
01:14:24Buddy!
01:14:25Buddy!
01:14:27I could have swore I parked that sleigh right here.
01:14:30Silent night, all is high.
01:14:38All is calm, all is bright.
01:14:46All is calm, all is bright.
01:14:51All is calm, all is calm.
01:14:52No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:14:55Sorry!
01:15:04Come on, Jake.
01:15:06We can make it.
01:15:13Whoa!
01:15:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:15:47Nice ride.
01:15:50Thanks.
01:15:51Just got him back from the shop.
01:15:53Alves upgraded his shoes to the new Firestone radials.
01:15:57Not bad.
01:15:59Maybe you should have thought about snow tires.
01:16:04You know, you said even if Santa showed up on your doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh,
01:16:09you still wouldn't believe that I cared about you.
01:16:13So I don't expect this to work.
01:16:16But I gotta give it a shot.
01:16:18I mean, you know, I'm not the real Santa, and contrary to all appearances, this is not a real sleigh.
01:16:28But, Allie, for all the times I've been a genuine jerk,
01:16:33this is a real apology.
01:16:36If you'll accept it.
01:16:40I might.
01:16:46And this...
01:16:48is a real kiss.
01:17:10Come with me to my house.
01:17:11I have to be there in two minutes.
01:17:12Is this still about the worst?
01:17:13Just come with me, please.
01:17:14But I don't want you.
01:17:15Don't trust me.
01:17:19Shepherds quake
01:17:21Ow!
01:17:36Okay.
01:17:39Let's eat.
01:17:54What time is it?
01:17:57It's 5.59.
01:17:58You made it.
01:18:00Yeah, I guess I did.
01:18:03Tell me when it's after 6, okay?
01:18:06What do you mean?
01:18:07Aren't you going in?
01:18:08No, not yet.
01:18:11But I thought...
01:18:12Shh, shh, shh.
01:18:13Just watch.
01:18:15Watch what?
01:18:18My family.
01:18:41Well, guess it's about time I went home for Christmas.
01:18:45Care to join me?
01:18:47You bet.
01:18:50All right.
01:18:58Hey, everybody.
01:18:59Merry Christmas.
01:19:02You made it.
01:19:06Hey, you made it.
01:19:09Ah, glad you're here.
01:19:11Me too.
01:19:13Did you have a hard time getting here?
01:19:14Oh, piece of cake.
01:19:16What's, uh...
01:19:17What's with this Santa suit?
01:19:19Long story, Dad.
01:19:21Hey.
01:19:21Hey.
01:19:22All right.
01:19:22Oh, you stink.
01:19:25Farting dog cargo hold longer story.
01:19:28Well, son.
01:19:30She's yours.
01:19:32But, Dad, I didn't make it home on time.
01:19:34Don't be silly.
01:19:34You were just a few seconds left here.
01:19:36No, no.
01:19:36Deal's a deal.
01:19:37Besides, she isn't ready yet.
01:19:40What do you mean?
01:19:41Well, we're not really finished fixing her up yet, are we?
01:19:44I mean, I'm sure it's gonna take us a bunch more Christmases together to get all the work done.
01:19:49Don't you think?
01:19:51Yeah.
01:19:5230 or 40 at least.
01:19:5636.
01:19:58Excuse me?
01:19:59My sweater says I'm a 36.
01:20:01Or a medium.
01:20:02Either will work.
01:20:04What's yours?
01:20:07Mine?
01:20:08Yeah, you know, for future information.
01:20:13Eight.
01:20:16Eight.
01:20:18I'll remember that.
01:20:21What the heck is that?
01:20:23That would be my parade.
01:20:25Excuse me?
01:20:26Excuse me.
01:20:36Wait!
01:20:37Wait a minute!
01:20:38That's our sled!
01:20:41That's the guy!
01:20:43Come on!
01:20:48Hey, buddy.
01:20:50You stole our sleigh.
01:20:52You're just so lucky you're wearing that suit.
01:20:56You know, a few days ago, I might not have agreed with you.
01:20:59Nice wings.
01:21:01Thanks.
01:21:02Took a sewing class.
01:21:04It shows.
01:21:06Peace.
01:21:07Okay.
01:21:09Come on, Santa.
01:21:10Give me a ride home.
01:21:10Let's all go for a ride.
01:21:11Come on!
01:21:13Oh, I love it.
01:21:14Oh, I love it.
01:21:14I've never been in a sleigh before.
01:21:15Oh, you better be careful.
01:21:16There's no rental.
01:21:17Woo!
01:21:18Woo!
01:21:21Let this buggy rip, bro!
01:21:24Yeah!
01:21:24Don't wait to go!
01:21:25No!
01:21:26No!
01:21:28No!
01:21:30No!
01:21:31No!
01:21:32No!
01:21:33No!
01:21:34No!
01:21:36No!
01:21:37No!
01:21:38No!
01:21:39No!
01:21:40No!
01:21:41No!
01:21:41No!
01:21:47Merry Christmas
01:21:49Happy Holidays
01:21:52Merry Christmas
01:21:54Merry Christmas
01:21:56Merry Christmas
01:21:59Happy Holidays
01:22:05We've been waiting
01:22:08All here for this night
01:22:12When the snow is glistening
01:22:14On the trees outside
01:22:16And all the stockings
01:22:17Are hung by the fireside
01:22:22Waiting for Santa to arrive
01:22:26And all the love will show
01:22:28Cause everybody knows
01:22:31It's Christmas time
01:22:33And all the kids will see
01:22:35The gifts under the tree
01:22:37It's the best time of year
01:22:39For the family
01:22:42It's a wonderful feeling
01:22:44And the love in the room
01:22:46And the floor to the ceiling
01:22:47It's that time of year
01:22:50Christmas time is here
01:22:52And with the message from above
01:22:55God sent you His love
01:22:57And everything's okay
01:22:59Merry Christmas
01:23:00Merry Christmas
01:23:01Happy Holidays
01:23:02Oh yeah
01:23:03Merry Christmas
01:23:05Merry Christmas
01:23:07Happy Holidays
01:23:14The bells are ringing
01:23:16It's time to scream and shout
01:23:21And everybody's playing
01:23:23Cause school's out
01:23:24Celebrating
01:23:26The special times we share
01:23:30Happiness
01:23:31Cause love is in the air
01:23:34And all the love will show
01:23:37Cause everybody knows
01:23:39It's Christmas time
01:23:42And all the kids will see
01:23:44The gifts under the tree
01:23:46It's the best time of year
01:23:48For the family
01:23:51It's a wonderful feeling
01:23:53Wonderful feeling
01:23:53And the love in the room
01:23:54From the floor to the ceiling
01:23:56It's that time of year
01:23:58That time of year
01:23:59Christmas time is here
01:24:01And with the message from above
01:24:03God sent you His love
01:24:06And everything's okay
01:24:07Merry Christmas
01:24:09Happy Holidays
01:24:10Merry Christmas
01:24:13Merry Christmas
01:24:15Merry Christmas
01:24:16And Happy Holidays
01:24:20Merry Christmas
01:24:23Oh yeah
01:24:24Merry Christmas
01:24:25And Happy Holidays
01:24:28No matter what's your holiday
01:24:31It's a time to celebrate
01:24:35It's a time to celebrate
01:24:37Put your worries aside
01:24:39And open up your mind
01:24:41You can see the world right
01:24:43Find your time
01:24:44It's Christmas time
01:24:47Merry Christmas
01:24:48Merry Christmas
01:24:50Oh yeah
01:24:50Merry Christmas
01:24:51Merry Christmas
01:24:52Happy Holidays
01:24:54Sing it everybody
01:24:55Merry Christmas
01:24:57Come on up
01:24:58Merry Christmas
01:24:59Let me hear ya
01:25:00Let me hear ya
01:25:01Merry Christmas
01:25:01And Happy Holidays
01:25:04It's a wonderful feeling
01:25:06Feel the love in the room
01:25:08From the floor to the ceiling
01:25:09Oh yeah
01:25:10It's that time of year
01:25:11That time of year
01:25:12Christmas time is here
01:25:14Oh yeah
01:25:15The blessings my love
01:25:16God sent you His love
01:25:18Oh yeah
01:25:19Everything's okay
01:25:20Yeah yeah yeah
01:25:22Merry Christmas
01:25:22Happy Holidays
01:25:23Come on up
01:25:25Merry Christmas
01:25:26Let me hear ya
01:25:27Merry Christmas
01:25:29And happy holidays
01:25:32Merry Christmas
01:25:35Merry Christmas
01:25:36Oh yeah
01:25:36Merry Christmas
01:25:38Yeah
01:25:38And happy holidays
01:25:41Merry Christmas
01:25:43Merry Christmas
01:25:45We won't love
01:25:46Merry Christmas
01:25:47Happy Holidays
01:25:49100 days!
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