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Late Night with Seth Meyers - Season 13 - Episode 14: Stephen Colbert, Marc Shaiman
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00:05From 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York, it's late night with Seth Meyers, the night, Stephen
00:13Colbert, author Mark Shaman, and now Seth Meyers.
00:28Good evening, everybody.
00:29I'm Seth Meyers.
00:30We hope you're doing well.
00:31And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.
00:33President Trump announced yesterday that he is sending border czar Tom Homan to Minneapolis
00:39amid protests over federal immigration enforcement operations.
00:43I'm sorry, this is the guy you're sending to soften your image?
00:47He looks like the corner man for Yvonne Drago.
00:51He looks like he should be telling the Joker that Batman is getting away.
00:57In a new interview, President Trump discussed a secret military weapon that was used during
01:02the capture of Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro and called it, quote, the discombobulator.
01:08Well, thank you, President Marvin the Martian.
01:12I'll stop Maduro with my discombobulator.
01:19Kind of not bad.
01:21Hello.
01:24They wrote it without knowing I had one.
01:28In a new interview, President Trump said he's not happy that the NFL selected rapper Bad Bunny
01:33and Green Day to perform at the upcoming Super Bowl.
01:35Buddy, it's never going to be Kid Rock.
01:39Even if they held a stadium event to honor Kid Rock's legacy, they'd get somebody better
01:45to do the music.
01:48President Trump on Sunday repeated his criticism of a new NFL kickoff rule aimed at reducing
01:53player injuries and said, quote,
01:55The original was big time, strong, glamorous, and exciting.
01:58Yeah, football ain't what it used to be.
02:00I also hate how they changed the coin flip so the coin doesn't actually flip.
02:10According to a new survey, 43% of Americans said that they're trying to stick to an earlier
02:15bedtime instead of saying up late, well, if someone with three kids to put through college,
02:20please stop.
02:24Taco Bell has unveiled a new Hidden Valley Diablo Ranch Sauce, which combines ranch with its Diablo
02:30hot sauce.
02:30So now the bathroom is for anyone but customers.
02:37And finally, the maker of the alcoholic beverage, Buzz Balls, are releasing a new nine-carat lab-grown
02:44diamond ring that will be sold on eBay.
02:47So if you like Buzz Balls and are thinking about proposing, maybe finish high school first.
02:54And that was the monologue, everybody.
02:57We've got a great show for you tonight.
02:59We've got a special show for you tonight.
03:01He is a comedian writer, a Strikeforce 5 podcaster.
03:05You know him from The Daily Show, The Colbert of War, and as the host of The Late Show with
03:10Stephen Colbert
03:10on CBS, our friend Stephen Colbert.
03:14Back on the show.
03:17He is a multi-talented composer, lyricist, arranger, and producer whose work you know from SNL.
03:24Iconic films such as Sister Act and Sleepless in Seattle and the Broadway musicals Hairspray
03:28and Some Like It Hot.
03:30His memoir, Never Mind the Happy Showbiz Stories from a Soar Winner, is available now.
03:34Mark Shaman is also joining us.
03:37I totally can tell that.
03:41If I may, there's something I need to get off my chest.
03:45So I did a small favor for a neighbor recently, and they, as a token of thanks, gifted me a
03:51candle.
03:51Yeah, a candle.
03:53Like I'm a medieval peasant.
03:56Whatever.
03:57Anyway, I went on with my day.
03:58All I had on my schedule was a walk through the mall.
04:00Yeah, the mall.
04:01I go for walks in the mall.
04:04Is that a crime?
04:05Anyway, I'm passing by one of those candle kiosks.
04:07You know the ones.
04:08The smell of it hit me so hard, I forgot the name of my daughter.
04:11My own daughter!
04:13The nasty potpourri scent, it just lingered with me.
04:16It's not good.
04:17So my mall walk was ruined.
04:19Went home, came through my front door, and what do I see there in the living room?
04:22My wife had lit a candle in the kitchen.
04:24Three candles!
04:26One day!
04:27And I'm sorry, but I just have to say this.
04:29The candle era ends now.
04:31At this point in the broadcast, Seth launched into a 60-second obscenity-laden tirade about
04:36candles and how, in his opinion, they are an outdated relic of a pre-electric age that
04:40we cling to out of misguided nostalgia.
04:42Network policy prevents us from broadcasting his comments, but due to a technical issue,
04:46we were forced to air this portion of the show.
04:49In short, Seth believes that candles had their time, but no longer have a place in modern
04:52society, much like horse and buggies, fountain pens, and the phrase, let's circle back.
04:56He then suggested that people who give candles as gifts may as well give a framed picture
05:01of a shrug, and that a gifted candle says exactly three things.
05:05I don't know you.
05:06I don't want to know you.
05:07I hope you have a table.
05:08Seth then turned his ire towards candles being used for romantic lighting, specifically during
05:13sex, saying there is only one way to have sex, lights off, clothes on.
05:17At this point, Seth felt he had said all he needed to say about candles and was ready
05:21to calm down and continue with the show.
05:23So, to wrap up and symbolically signal the end of the candle era, he produced a cupcake
05:28with a small candle in it and blew it out.
05:31But the candle relit itself.
05:33A trick candle.
05:34This triggered something deep down inside of Seth, and you could see in his eyes he was
05:38lost in a memory.
05:39A party.
05:40For his seventh birthday, children's laughter.
05:43At him, they were still laughing.
05:54He held the candle up close to his face, his expression a cold, terrible smile.
05:59You've got your tricks.
06:01I've got mine.
06:02Seth reached under his desk and pulled out a small drawstring sack with the word fireproof
06:07stenciled in red on the side.
06:09He placed the cupcake and candle, still flickering, inside the sack and pulled the drawstring closed
06:14tight with one sharp tug.
06:15The camera held on the bag as if something were supposed to happen.
06:19Then, it did.
06:21The bag jerked violently.
06:23Then again.
06:24Weaker.
06:25And then, nothing.
06:28Seth then tossed the sack to his stagehand Jimmy, who has ties with the Gambino crime
06:32family, and said,
06:33Chuck it in the river with the others.
06:36Seth then turned his attention to scented candles, admitting he still had a lot of shame
06:40from his time freelancing as a scent-namer for Yankee Candle back in the 90s.
06:44He had submitted over 9,000 names, and not one was picked.
06:48And they were good, he claimed.
06:50Real good.
06:51He read some of the would-be aromas from a list he kept in his wallet.
06:54Cashmere Glade.
06:56Nana's Bosom.
06:57Velvet Sigh.
06:58Midnight Breeze.
07:00Then, with a disgustingly smug grin and a hand raised to the side of his mouth as if
07:04he were delivering some hot goss, he quipped,
07:06I've made a few midnight breezes in my time.
07:08Now that's a scent my wife will not be purchasing any kind soon.
07:12He turned to his head writer, Alex Bayes, and said,
07:15This guy knows what I'm talking about.
07:18But Bayes just stared.
07:20Come on, Bayes.
07:21You know what I'm talking about.
07:23Bayes continued to stare.
07:25Bayes.
07:28Bayes, tell me you know what I'm talking about.
07:32Bayes then sighed an impossibly deep sigh and said,
07:36Yeah, farts.
07:38At the word farts, Seth proceeded to guffaw so violently that he threw his back out.
07:43Bayes, on the other hand, cracked three molars and a bicuspid from clenching his jaw too hard.
07:49At this point, Seth's crew member, Kenny Coyle, stepped forward holding a plastic shopping bag.
07:54If regular candles aren't doing it for you, you probably just haven't found the right one.
07:58Let Kenny hook you up with something special.
08:01Then, from the bag, Kenny lifted a candle unlike any that Seth, or anyone, had ever seen.
08:07It was housed in a two-liter cola bottle and appeared to be filled with gravel, nails, and some kind
08:12of black goo.
08:13I made it myself, he said proudly.
08:16Kenny, not to insult your gift, but this looks like, he searched for a word,
08:20A bomb.
08:21Kenny assured Seth that it couldn't be a bomb because, according to the terms of his parole,
08:26he wasn't allowed to make bombs anymore.
08:29Seth placed Kenny's gift gently to the side and groused about what a gross mess candles make when they burn
08:34down.
08:35All you're left with is a pile of yucky melted wax, he said.
08:39It looks like a witch's face.
08:41At this point, a woman in the audience with a melted wax-ish looking face leaned forward and shouted,
08:47Wow, okay, stereotype much?
08:50Seth squinted out to the audience and said,
08:52Excuse me?
08:53The melted-faced woman scoffed.
08:55We're really still doing this?
08:57In 2026?
08:59Seth took in the woman's stringy hair and tattered robes.
09:02He replied,
09:03Are you not a witch?
09:05She rolled her eyes and said,
09:06You wish.
09:07She then pointed to her companion sitting beside her,
09:10a bodacious magazine model-type woman wearing a sexy Halloween witch outfit,
09:14and claimed that, in fact, she was a witch,
09:16even though she didn't adhere to Seth's outdated facial standards.
09:20Seth asked for proof, and the bodacious witch obliged.
09:23To prove she actually was a witch,
09:24she would cast a magic spell by saying the words,
09:27Huma Numanu three times,
09:29causing an ordinary gentleman to fall into a deep love trance and succumb to true love's kiss.
09:34She then gestured to the man sitting beside her,
09:36who was played by none other than Seth's staff writer, Ben Warhite,
09:39who incidentally wrote this sketch.
09:41It bears mentioning that this is not technically a sketch,
09:43this is a live broadcast of actual events as they occurred in the studio.
09:46And yet Ben Warhite apparently wrote it.
09:47This paradox was not addressed.
09:48Huma Numanu!
09:49The witch boomed.
09:51At this point, Ben grew visibly uncomfortable
09:53with the idea of having written a scene
09:55in which a beautiful woman had been cast specifically to kiss him,
09:59the writer, on camera.
10:00A casting session he had sat in on.
10:02He worried, perhaps correctly,
10:04that this would make him look like a misogynist loser,
10:06a man using his modest power as a staff writer
10:09to manufacture physical affection from an attractive stranger.
10:12Had this been obvious to everyone but him?
10:14Was this a blind spot?
10:16Was he actually just some f***ing creep?
10:18At this point, Seth observed that the biggest telltale sign
10:21Ben had written the sketch
10:22was that it hadn't cut back to him in, like, three minutes.
10:25Huma Numanu!
10:26The witch boomed a second time.
10:27Ben was spiraling now.
10:29Had he always been this way?
10:30Was this a pattern?
10:31He wasn't sure.
10:32What he did know was that now, in this moment,
10:35he had a choice.
10:36He could be different.
10:37Better.
10:38He would...
10:39Huma Numanu!
10:40Ben froze.
10:41His eyes glazed over.
10:42And now, under her spell of love,
10:44Ben turned.
10:46Not toward the bodacious witch,
10:47but to the unassuming elderly fellow
10:50seated to his right.
10:51Yes, that's the one.
11:05NBC would like viewers to disregard Seth's opinions about candles,
11:08as they do not reflect the network's position
11:10and do not make any sense.
11:11We now resume our broadcast.
11:12And you candles can take your fire right back down to hell,
11:16because you burnt!
11:17Woo!
11:19That felt good to get off my chest.
11:21We'll be right back with Stephen Colbert.
11:41We'll be right back there.
11:42Our first guest tonight is an Emmy!
11:45Grammy!
11:46A Peabody Award-winning comedian, writer,
11:48and Strike Force 5 podcaster.
11:49You know from his work on The Daily Show, The Colbert Report
11:52As well as the host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
11:55Which airs weeknights on CBS
11:56Please welcome back to the show my very good friend
11:58Stephen Colbert, everybody
12:20Please join us
12:22Oh, oh, lovely
12:24Oh my God, you have the same rule I heard
12:26You think you have to sit down second
12:29The host, you do have to sit down second
12:30Yeah, I know, but you kept thinking
12:31You were trying to make me wait, but I'm the host
12:34I'll tell you the rule
12:35I would have waited you out
12:37I'll tell you the rule that I do
12:39Is that I got to do something I never get to do with the guests
12:42Is that if we hug, my head just now was downstage
12:45Oh
12:46I always allow the guests head to be downstage
12:48That's, I think I do too
12:50Yeah, well
12:50I don't think about it though
12:52I think about everything I do
12:56Every moment
12:56I'm crippled
12:57None of it comes to you naturally
13:00Every action, yes
13:02And then we go back and we re-edit the entire show
13:05I do every moment of the show three different ways
13:07No, no, no, try this
13:09Give me the B option
13:10Well, you were here ten years ago
13:12And you actually, you remarked that you
13:14This is a moment where you had exactly what you're just talking about
13:16It's been ten years
13:17And you came out on this show
13:19And you had a moment where you realized
13:20I, ten years ago
13:22I guess, had I already gotten the new gig
13:23Or was I about to
13:24You knew you were doing it
13:25But it hadn't started
13:25I was going from, I was going to
13:26I'm going to be a network late night talk show host
13:29I don't need to put any effort in
13:31Right
13:32I am that guy
13:33Yeah, you can just come out
13:34And so I would just come out, whatever
13:35I'm me, enjoy that I am
13:37And I walked downstage thinking
13:39Oh, Seth's a friend
13:40This is going to be fun
13:41I don't want to put any effort into it
13:43And I walked as far as this seat
13:44And I went, this is a huge mistake
13:47I should really put any effort into this
13:50And I think if I've watched it
13:52You can see the moment
13:54Do you have it?
13:55Yeah, we have it
13:55You watch, you'll see the moment
13:56When I realize I should be professional on some level
14:00Do you have it?
14:00Let's take a look
14:04How are you?
14:06Wow
14:06Hello
14:07Hello
14:10Happy to be here
14:10Thank you
14:11Wow
14:12Breaking it in
14:13You're breaking it in
14:14Look at this new set
14:14Isn't it something?
14:16That second wow
14:17Is where I went
14:18That first wow was not nearly wow enough
14:22It is wonderful to have you
14:23Since, I mean, in the last year
14:25You had something very special to happen
14:27You won the Emmy
14:28Congratulations
14:29Yeah, it was very nice
14:30It was a lovely night
14:31It was a great night
14:31Great for the staff and everything like that
14:33It was really lovely
14:34Heavy was there
14:35We had a good time
14:36So much more fun if you win
14:38Oh my god, yeah
14:38Yeah
14:39But I will say, like, it was very special
14:41And I was very happy when you won
14:42And one of the things that's changed
14:43In the last, like, three years
14:45In our, you know, in our category
14:48Is that we're all a lot closer
14:49Because we did a podcast together
14:50Called Strike Force 5
14:51Right
14:52During the strike of 2023
14:54Yeah, that sounds about right
14:55That was a lot of fun
14:56You, me
14:57Jimmy Fallon
14:58John Oliver
14:58Jimmy Kimmel
14:59Exactly
15:00And it was so, I mean, I enjoyed it a great deal
15:02Like, one, we were, you know, we were making
15:04We were raising money for our staffs
15:05Who were currently, at the time, not working
15:08Yeah, 12 episodes
15:09Raised a ton of money
15:10And it was really nice to be closer to everybody
15:13Who does this for a living
15:14Yeah, you really, for me, you really turned a corner
15:16Yeah
15:19I went, yeah, I get it
15:20You were kind of there
15:21You were already there on the other guys
15:24And I remember the day you were like
15:25Hey, you know who I was wrong about?
15:27Yeah, yeah
15:28I shouldn't attack him when he's not around
15:31But, I mean, there's...
15:33We're raising money right now, actually, on the new show
15:36You're auctioning off items on eBay
15:39That were connected to your show
15:41And I was blown away how successful this has been
15:44Over $200,000 we raised for World Central Kitchen
15:48Jose Andre's World Central Kitchen
15:50Jose Andre, one of the greats
15:52And you auction off ties, costumes from your show
15:55Yeah, props, tickets to the final show
16:00Stuff like that
16:01We actually have...
16:03I actually brought something
16:04We did, and I feel like I'm very excited
16:06Are you okay with this?
16:07I'm, of course
16:08I mean, it's for a good cause
16:10I wouldn't let you sell stuff, like, if all the money was going to you
16:14Like, I wouldn't be okay with you using this platform for that
16:17But if it's a good cause, you can auction it off
16:19It's good cause, so this is all for World Central Kitchen
16:20We are looking for props that people might enjoy
16:23And I've got this thing that's been rolled up in the corner of my office
16:27For years
16:28And I don't know if you guys remember
16:29There used to be a senator from Arizona named Jeff Flake
16:31Who was a Republican senator
16:32Very nice, really lovely, reasonable guy
16:34And I went to go see him years ago
16:36I forgot why I was interviewing him
16:38A bunch of people on Capitol Hill
16:39I think it was the last time I went to D.C.
16:42And I'm riding around Capitol Hill on a Segway or something
16:44Trying to look for somebody to talk to me
16:46And he had this rug
16:47He had a little area rug in his office
16:49It said U.S. Senate
16:52And this is what, do we, may I?
16:53Yeah, yeah, please
16:54Alex, can we see this, please?
16:56Why'd they give you such a small rug?
16:59There's not even
17:01There's not even room for the unum on the pluribus here
17:04You know, that's what you get when you're a freshman, I guess
17:07Do you get to keep the rug?
17:09Afraid not
17:09This has to stay behind you
17:11This does
17:11So if I took it with me today, that would be a problem
17:14Big problem
17:18Well, we, uh
17:19You got it right there
17:20We have it right here
17:29I tied a really tight knot in this
17:33Trust me, this is the rug
17:35You're so mad you didn't bring your knock guy with you
17:37You have editors
17:38Okay, so here it is
17:39Beautiful
17:40Here's the rug
17:44This is stolen
17:45Yeah
17:45If you would like to aid and abet me
17:48If you don't like to be an accomplice in a federal crime
17:50From stealing this from Capitol Hill
17:52You could, do we have the, uh, we have the
17:53Yeah, we're gonna put it up there
17:54There you go
17:55Or go to that QR code
17:56And you can, you can, uh
17:57You can bid
17:58You can get a stolen, stolen goods
18:00Yes
18:00This is, this is, this is, this is late, late night
18:04With Seth Meyers exclusive
18:06I have something to give you
18:08What, really?
18:09So I do a thing on my show called Corrections
18:11Oh, yeah, but I have a jackal
18:12Thank you
18:12Oh, you have a jackal mug
18:13I went, I paid, I paid with my own money to get a jackal mug
18:17I love it
18:18Uh, that's very kind of you to say
18:19And, and some people, we have a P.O. box
18:21And people send, uh, something in
18:22And so I got an invitation to a wedding
18:25But it was, um, it was Lord of the Ring themed
18:27Like, if you can see
18:28And, like, look, they've got, like, a little map
18:31That looks like it's burned
18:32Oh
18:32And it's really great
18:33You got invited to a wedding?
18:35And, no, I didn't
18:36So I thought I did
18:37And then I opened up an envelope
18:38Sent to my P.O. box
18:39That starts Dear Stephen Colbert
18:44This was nailed to me
18:47And, by the way, I had no
18:48Look, at no point does it ever say, like, thanks, Seth
18:51It's like, literally, they just assumed I'd give it to you
18:53So, anyway, March 20th in California
18:56If you want to go
18:57March 20th and 26th
19:00They're getting married twice
19:01Is that something that happens in your weird Hobbit world?
19:05Okay
19:10I don't know
19:10I didn't get to any of the wedding scenes
19:12No, I actually have no idea
19:14Can you read Hobbitese?
19:15Like, I mean, by the way, this is
19:16But, like
19:17Yeah, that just says
19:19Which means the star shines on the hour of our meeting
19:22But that's basic right there
19:25I mean, that's what Gildor
19:28That's what Frodo says to Gildor and Glorian
19:31Of the House of Finrod
19:32When they first meet at Woodhull
19:34I knew it sounded familiar
19:35Yeah
19:36But I did
19:37Thank you
19:37Yeah, you can keep it
19:39I reached out to my jackals
19:43Which is what I call the people who give comments
19:45And I said last week
19:46Hey, Colbert's coming on the show
19:47Because sometimes in my YouTube comments
19:49People are like
19:50Hey, will you tell Stephen he made this mistake?
19:52Because corrections is a play
19:54Do you want to hear him or not?
19:55Do they attack me through you?
19:56They don't attack
19:57They're gently correct
19:58They're jackals
19:59Yeah, they are jackals
20:00They are attack
20:00Would you like to hear some of the things
20:02That people said you've gotten wrong?
20:04I'm hesitant to say yes
20:04But please
20:04I would like to hear from the jackals
20:06Stephen said one time
20:07That the Great Wall of China
20:08Can be seen with the naked eye from space
20:10Which is untrue
20:12I'm sure you're right
20:15See, it's fun
20:16I'm sure
20:18I'm sure
20:19It is
20:20And you
20:20Okay, go ahead
20:21This is one I get all the time
20:23You have a segment called
20:24Monkey News or Something
20:26By the way, I love how they're so specific
20:27And they're like
20:28I don't have time to Google
20:29It's called
20:29This is a monkey emergency
20:31Whenever there's an escaped primate of any kind
20:33Yeah, you do it like twice a week
20:34We have a monkey emergency, yeah
20:35Your monkey emergency
20:37Has a chimpanzee in the graphic
20:39Which is an ape, not a monkey
20:43Hey man
20:44I know
20:45Does it eat bananas?
20:47That's my question to you
20:48Does it eat bananas?
20:51Please tell Stephen Colbert
20:52It is a historic
20:54Not an historic
20:55It is an historic evening
20:57Same way you would say
20:58Oh, I enjoy
20:59I enjoy listening to an harmonica
21:01Okay
21:03Is that really how you'd say it?
21:05That's how I would say it
21:06But nobody
21:07I've always said an historic
21:08But the problem is like
21:09Does anybody ever enjoy listening to an harmonica?
21:15It's better than an tambourine
21:18Oh, Bluey's a girl, not a boy
21:20I did not know that
21:21And I don't judge
21:23I'm not laying that on Bluey
21:25Yeah, yeah, yeah
21:26That's great
21:26And by the way, why would you know it?
21:28Your kids are like
21:2940
21:30Yeah, they're like 40 years old
21:31I have triplets
21:32They're all 40
21:34Hey, stick around
21:35I've got a lot more to ask
21:36Stephen Colbert after this
21:56Welcome back, everybody
21:57Here is Stephen Colbert
21:59So, you know, I want to address
22:01Some sad news in July
22:02Do I have a drink?
22:03Do I have a drink here?
22:04Yeah, you have a little drink
22:05Go ahead, yeah
22:06Okay, so
22:08I don't
22:08It's
22:10In July, it was announced
22:11That your show
22:12Your show was canceled
22:17What?
22:18What?
22:19Nobody told him?
22:20Nobody told him
22:23Yeah
22:28You're out of practice
22:29You're out of spit-take practice
22:31Really?
22:31I am, yeah
22:32Yes, this is our last season
22:34This is our last season
22:34At Bereside was shocking
22:38I saw you
22:39You know, I think it happened
22:40At the end of the week
22:41I saw you on Monday
22:42A bunch of us stopped by
22:43We all talked to you
22:44Dressing group
22:44Oh, that's right
22:44Yeah, it was very nice of you
22:45And I heard you talk about
22:48Our friend Jimmy Kimmel
22:49How are you?
22:50Do you have more perspective?
22:52Different perspective on it now?
22:53Is it sort of
22:53Well, it feels real now
22:55Yeah
22:55It did not feel
22:56I mean
22:57I mean, I know it was real
22:58But now
23:00There's four months left
23:01And I
23:03You know
23:03The shows are fun to do
23:05But what I really love
23:06Is the people I do it with
23:07Yeah
23:07And we've been putting together
23:08This
23:09I mean, there are people
23:09I've been working with
23:11My
23:12My
23:13My shoemaker
23:14Tom Purcell
23:15Yeah, of course
23:16I've known since 1988
23:17That's crazy
23:18And so
23:19We've all been together forever
23:20So
23:21Listen
23:21You can do comedy
23:22A lot of different places
23:23There's no place
23:24Like the Ed Sullivan Theater
23:25No offense
23:26There's no place
23:26Like the Ed Sullivan Theater
23:28But it's really the people
23:29That's really what I care about
23:30And that's really what
23:31That's really what I'm going to miss
23:32More than anything
23:33And we'll do something else together
23:34But it feels real now
23:36I'm not thrilled with it
23:37I mean, I feel like
23:37Neither of us ever take it for granted
23:39But I do think
23:40It's that weird thing
23:41That it's just like
23:42Built into your life
23:42When you have a show like this
23:43Right
23:44You just get to see people every day
23:45That are funny
23:46And help you process through
23:48Oftentimes the things
23:49That we're talking about
23:50Which are
23:50Which can be difficult
23:51Right, right
23:51You know
23:52We all saw what happened this weekend
23:53Which was incredibly corrosive
23:55To the soul
23:56And how we feel about
23:57Our own country
23:57And I got to talk
23:58With Josh Shapiro
23:59About it all night
23:59And I'll talk about
24:00With the governor
24:00And that's
24:01That's an incredible gift
24:03And, um
24:04Uh, anyway
24:05I'll always be grateful for that
24:06Um, is Lorne here?
24:08Lorne Michaels?
24:09Yeah
24:09Why, do you want to
24:10You want to talk to him
24:10About something?
24:11Would you tell him
24:11I'm available in June?
24:13Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:14I don't know
24:15If he's still hiring
24:15Oh, to
24:16Not to host
24:18You want to like
24:18Just work on the show
24:19I need a show, man
24:20I need a
24:21Yeah, I would love to talk to him
24:22Not for the cash
24:23I'm fine for cash
24:24It's just
24:25Oh
24:25Evie would
24:26Evie will want me
24:27If I can tell Lorne
24:28You will work for Scale
24:29That will help
24:31That will help
24:32Again, is he here?
24:33He's not here
24:34But, uh
24:34He watches every night
24:40This is gonna get
24:41This is gonna get back to him
24:42Um
24:43Someone
24:44Someone will tell him
24:44I think someone will tell him
24:46Uh, do you have a final show date?
24:48Oh
24:49Thank you, Seth
24:51Yes
24:52This is
24:53Where am I?
24:53I'm here
24:54Yeah, take it
24:54This is
24:55I figured this would be great
24:56This is a Peacock exclusive
24:57Oh my god, thank you
24:58You're welcome
24:59We almost never get exclusives
25:00On Peacock
25:02Or NBC
25:03I just figured it'd be best
25:04You should do it
25:04You should do it a second place
25:06So that people hear
25:10Start with Peacock though
25:11Start with Peacock
25:13Is that
25:14Our final show
25:16Will be
25:19May 21st
25:212026
25:21Mark the calendars
25:22That's, uh
25:23Thank you for sharing that with us
25:24I would love to be there
25:25Do you have a show that night?
25:26Um
25:26Not anymore
25:27Okay
25:28Uh, you, uh
25:29I know
25:30People always ask me
25:31About, uh
25:32Dream guests
25:33Do you have one
25:34That you're trying to land
25:35Before, uh
25:36May 21st?
25:37Yeah, the Pope
25:38The Pope
25:40American Pope
25:40American Pope
25:41You met the last Pope
25:43I did
25:43Yeah, you went
25:44You had to go to Rome
25:45I went to Rome
25:46Me, Fallon
25:47Went
25:47Came with us
25:48Yeah, a lot of comedians
25:49I invited you
25:50Yep
25:50And you said immediately
25:51No way
25:54You, I did your show
25:55The night you had to leave
25:56You literally left
25:57The Ed Sullivan Theater
25:58To get on a plane
25:58To go meet the Pope
25:59And literally had to get
25:59In a helicopter
26:00Wow
26:01To make it to JFK
26:03In time to go to Rome
26:04Yeah, I was gonna say
26:04You can't take a helicopter
26:05All the way to Rome
26:05That's the same
26:06Um
26:08But this
26:09I got on a jet ski
26:10But you know
26:11Be honest
26:11The last Pope
26:12Would not be a good
26:13Talk show guest
26:14But new Pope
26:15Oh, he would have been
26:15Any Popes are pretty good
26:17No, but come on
26:18New Pope's the one you want
26:19Well, of course
26:20American Pope
26:21Chicago Pope
26:22Yeah
26:22Of course you want the new Pope
26:23Come on
26:23Pope Francis would not
26:25Have been a good talk show guest
26:26He would have been
26:26An infallible talk show guest
26:32This is
26:33This is
26:34This is good
26:34That you did not
26:35Meet the Pope
26:36Because this attitude
26:37I knew
26:38This attitude does not
26:38Go across in the apostolic palace
26:40Yeah
26:41Those Swiss guards
26:42Would take that halberd
26:43And just take you down
26:44No
26:44They do
26:45In their big
26:46Panaloons
26:47If you roll your eyes
26:48In the apostolytic chamber
26:49Is that what you called it?
26:50Is that
26:50Apostolic palace
26:52That from
26:52From back to the future
26:55Yes
26:57Exactly
26:57Great Scott
27:00That's what the Pope said
27:01These are rumors
27:02These are Colbert rumors
27:03You can put them to bed or not
27:05Of what people think
27:06You might do next
27:07Oh, okay, yeah
27:08There's been a whole host
27:09Of things that people
27:10Have speculated
27:11That I will do next
27:12I'm neither going to confirm
27:13Nor deny
27:14Okay
27:15Any of these
27:17Or many of these
27:18Okay
27:18Because I got to keep
27:20Options open
27:21Someone
27:21It was written
27:22That you signed
27:23A $13.5 million deal
27:24With Netflix
27:25Not enough money
27:26Yeah
27:28That you might run for office
27:30Maybe even president
27:31I've heard that one
27:32Yeah
27:33I've heard that one
27:35Obviously
27:36Obviously
27:38Obviously
27:39I mean, that's something
27:40I have discussed
27:40With my faith leader
27:41And my family
27:42Yeah
27:42And if there is some way
27:43For me to serve
27:44The American people
27:45In some way
27:46That could possibly
27:48Be greater than
27:48A late night television show
27:51I would consider that
27:52But obviously
27:52I've heard that, yeah
27:53I get it
27:54How about that?
27:55I get it
27:55Yeah
27:55But, FYI
27:57They pay less than $13.5
28:00Not anymore
28:01Not anymore, that's true
28:02I know, it's pretty good
28:04It's a pretty good job
28:05Right now
28:05Colbert Coyne
28:06Oh my God, we'd love that
28:07Starting a show
28:08With the following people
28:09Rachel Maddow
28:10Yes
28:10Tom Hanks
28:10Jasmine Crockett
28:11Simon Cowell
28:12All five of you
28:13All five of them
28:14Yeah
28:14The new A-team
28:15You guys are going to be
28:16The new A-team
28:17We're on the run
28:18You're on the run
28:18Farsely accused
28:21Writing a book
28:21About J.R.R. Tolkien
28:24Always
28:24I've always done that
28:25You're always just
28:25Working on it
28:26Exactly
28:26That's not the
28:27Who shot J.R.
28:28Is it?
28:29What?
28:30J.R.R. Tolkien
28:31Was that the one
28:32Who shot J.R.R.?
28:33I don't think so
28:35Okay
28:35I don't know
28:37Um
28:39You know it's important
28:40To me, right?
28:41You know
28:41You know Tolkien's
28:42Really important to me, right?
28:43Yeah, yeah, yeah
28:43The Lord of the Rings guy
28:44Yeah, yeah, yeah
28:45Very, very
28:46Very lonely
28:47Sad young boy
28:48He's the only thing
28:49That pulled me out
28:50Oh, you're doing fine now
28:51He pulled you out
28:52Now let him go
28:54He gave you
28:54He gave you
28:55He pulled you up
28:56Yeah
28:57He pulled you up
28:58Unfortunately I was
28:58Going to fall into the lava
28:59And then J.R.R. saved you
29:02Now brush yourself off
29:03And make do without him
29:07Leave him for the other
29:08Leave him for the sad boys
29:09Of today
29:11You announced a wildlife
29:13Rescue program
29:14For endangered elephants
29:15Not endangered
29:17But depressed
29:20Oh, no
29:21We're worried about them
29:22Are you reading Tolkien
29:24Yes
29:26Yeah
29:27Well, they'll appreciate it
29:28They remember
29:29They remember
29:30And never forget
29:32Wait, I have
29:32Here's what I think
29:33You should do
29:33There's more?
29:34Well, no, I have one
29:35You have a pitch?
29:36Yeah
29:36Okay
29:36I think you should do
29:37Oh, Mary
29:39Oh, you're right?
29:40Yeah
29:42I think you should
29:43I mean
29:43I think you should be
29:44On a Broadway stage
29:44I should go in for
29:45Cole's Cola?
29:46Yeah
29:46Wow
29:46I genuinely think
29:47Because that's the thing
29:48People think like
29:49Oh, Seth wants him
29:49To play Lincoln
29:50No, I want you
29:51To play Mary
29:52Oh
29:53That would be a ton of fun
29:54No, no
29:54I would have a great time
29:55So I'm just throwing
29:56That out in the universe
29:56Because I think
29:57It's a really good idea
29:58Thank you very much
29:58Would you do Broadway?
30:00No
30:01Okay
30:02I don't think people
30:03Want to see me on Broadway
30:04I can't
30:05Do we want to see him
30:06On Broadway?
30:10You can't give me that
30:11I mean
30:11You can't give me that
30:13Have you started
30:14Parting your hair?
30:15What?
30:17No, it's
30:17Have you started
30:18Parting your hair?
30:18I don't
30:19It's just
30:19Is it part?
30:20Does it have
30:20A severe part
30:21What is some part?
30:22I thought it used
30:22To mostly come forward
30:23No, you're right
30:24It does have
30:24A nice part today
30:24Yeah
30:26I want to change
30:27My Broadway answer
30:28Now that I see this part
30:30Hey
30:31I'm very
30:32I'm really
30:34Sad that you're
30:35Coming to a close
30:36I feel very lucky
30:38To have been doing this
30:39At the same time as you
30:40I said this
30:40Ten years ago
30:41When you were on the show
30:41When I was in Chicago
30:43I saw you on stage
30:44At Second City
30:44And you blew my mind
30:46And you were the kind
30:47Of person that I wanted
30:48To do what you were doing
30:49You've been really
30:50Inspirational to me
30:51For a very long time
30:52And I'm really grateful
30:54To know you
30:55And to both be your
30:56Colleague and your friend
30:57You're a very special person
30:58So I just want to say
30:59Thank you
31:00Thank you
31:01And thank you
31:04And thank you
31:06You've been just lovely
31:08To have a colleague
31:09Across town
31:10And that Seth and I
31:11Will occasionally write
31:11Each other's notes
31:12About oh I saw this thing
31:13You did last night
31:14Or I really love
31:14This interview
31:15And I admire
31:16What you and your staff
31:17Do here
31:18Especially on the darker days
31:19What you were able
31:19To make comedy out of it
31:21And I admire you enormously
31:23And I hope you will do this
31:25For 20 more years
31:26Well I promise
31:28And I hope you will
31:29Meet the promise
31:30That we see each other often
31:31Because you're
31:32A very nice person to see
31:33I'll see you
31:34On Broadway
31:35You guys
31:37Stephen Colbert
31:38The Late Show
31:39With Stephen Colbert
31:40Airs weeknights on CBS
31:41Stick around
31:42We'll be right back
31:42With Mark Shannon
32:00Our next guest is
32:02Academy Award nominated
32:03And Tony
32:04A Grammy and Emmy winning
32:05Composer, lyricist, arranger
32:07And producer
32:08Whose work you know
32:09From Saturday Night Live
32:10Beloved movies like
32:11When Harry Met Sally
32:12Sister Act
32:13And Sleepless in Seattle
32:14And the Broadway musicals
32:15Hairspray, Smash
32:17And Some Like It Hot
32:18His memoir
32:19Nevermind the Happy
32:20A Showbiz Story
32:21Is from a Soar winner
32:22Is available now
32:23Please welcome to the show
32:23Mark Shaman everybody
32:36I'm so happy you're here
32:37I'm so happy to be here
32:39Thank you for having me
32:39Congratulations on the book
32:40I want to ask
32:41Nevermind the Happy
32:43Is a very unique title
32:44Where does it come from?
32:45It comes from my Jewish mother
32:48My sister called my mom
32:49One New Year's Day
32:51And said
32:51Ma, I want to be the first
32:52To wish you a happy
32:53And healthy new year
32:54And my mother said
32:55Nevermind the Happy
32:58So it sort of defines me
33:00And it's
33:01And so I titled the book that
33:03Because it's sort of
33:04All these wonderful things
33:05That have happened for me
33:06In my life
33:07I mean endless amount
33:08Of iconic projects
33:10I've gotten to work on
33:11And yet I'm always
33:12Sort of Eeyore
33:13I'm always seeing
33:14The glass is half empty
33:16Did it even
33:17I mean I would imagine
33:18Like as you revisit
33:19Everything for the book
33:20You couldn't even sort of
33:21Non-Eeyore that
33:22The process?
33:24Yeah, you know
33:24I think I actually
33:25Wrote the book
33:26I think I was going through
33:27A little depressing moment
33:28And I thought
33:29You know what
33:30If I write
33:31And remember all these things
33:33Maybe I'll cheer up
33:34You know
33:35I mean I guess
33:36I'm tooting my own horn also
33:38But yeah
33:38It was for me to remember
33:39All these wonderful things
33:41That I've gotten to do
33:42And it also is a
33:44You know
33:44Can maybe inspire other people
33:46To see that
33:46I've had endless amount
33:48Of dreams come true
33:49I mean true dreams come true
33:51You wrote on SNL
33:53I did
33:54For a bit of time
33:55And the Sweeney sisters
33:56Which was a favorite of mine
33:58Norah Dunn
33:59Thank you for remembering
34:01See this is a problem
34:02This is why I wrote the book
34:03I almost called it
34:04Google Me
34:05Because
34:06Whenever I work on a new project
34:08And like
34:09And there are younger people
34:10Working on it
34:11And then eventually
34:11They come up to me
34:12And they say
34:12Did you work on Sister Act?
34:15Did I see your name
34:16On this and that?
34:17And I'm always saying
34:17Google Me
34:18And we'll talk tomorrow
34:19So yeah
34:20I worked on SNL
34:21In the 80s
34:23And the Sweeney sisters
34:25Were two lounge singers
34:26Yeah
34:26Jan Hooks
34:27Norah Dunn
34:27Did medleys
34:28Yeah
34:28Norah Dunn
34:29And the great
34:29Great
34:29Late great
34:30Jan Hooks
34:31And
34:31Speaking of the late great
34:33You worked with
34:33The late great Rob Reiner
34:35Yes
34:35And obviously
34:38Tremendous loss
34:40Condolences on your friend
34:41What were your memories
34:43Of working with Rob?
34:44Well working here on SNL
34:45When I met Marty
34:46And then I met Billy Crystal
34:47And Billy Crystal
34:48Such a mensch
34:49That when he was working on
34:51When Harry Met Sally
34:52With Rob
34:52He asked Rob
34:53What are you going to do
34:53For the music
34:54And Rob said
34:54I want a guy
34:55Who knows like every song
34:56In the American songbook
34:57And Billy was like
34:58Have I got a guy for you
35:00Billy used to call me
35:00Rain Jew
35:01Because he said
35:03I just knew every song
35:05I don't even know
35:06How it happened
35:06But I did
35:08And so he introduced me
35:09To Rob
35:10And I did
35:11When Harry Met Sally
35:12And then
35:13Every movie Rob did
35:14After that
35:15Almost like 16 movies
35:17He literally gave me
35:18My film career
35:19My film career
35:20Just fell on my lap
35:21By Rob Reiner
35:22Throwing it there
35:23And you know
35:25More than even the music
35:27I got to write
35:27For all of Rob's movies
35:28My memory of him
35:30Is just
35:31As you would know
35:32In showbiz
35:32The hang
35:33Yeah
35:34It's all about the hang
35:35Once you know
35:36That you're working
35:36With people who can do
35:38What needs to get done
35:39It really just becomes
35:41About the people
35:41You want to be
35:42Hanging out with
35:43And so Rob would come over
35:44And listen to what I was doing
35:45And maybe we'd spend
35:46A half an hour
35:47Listening to music
35:47And two hours kibitzing
35:49You know just
35:50Yeah
35:50And he was great at it
35:51Shooting the
35:52Can I say
35:53Yeah you can
35:54So uh
35:54You should ask
35:55Before you say it
35:56Oh
35:58You mentioned
35:59Your film career
36:00Because it's uh
36:01It really was
36:02The collaborations you have
36:03Are something else
36:04Including uh
36:05Uh there you go
36:07Matt and Trey
36:07Uh South Park
36:08Uh this iconic photo
36:09There you are
36:10In the background
36:11Yeah
36:12Well I got to work
36:13On the South Park movie
36:14Which was just
36:15The greatest gig
36:16You can imagine
36:16To get to
36:17Yeah
36:17To get to
36:18Nominated for an
36:19Academy Award
36:20Yes
36:22When that is
36:23You know
36:23I
36:24And
36:26But it was an honor
36:27Just to be animated
36:28Yeah there you go
36:29Um that was a very special
36:31I mean I think
36:32When that movie came out
36:33Nobody would expect
36:34That it would have
36:35An Oscar nominated song
36:36In it
36:36Uh but then of course
36:37Once you saw the movie
36:38It made all the sense
36:39In the world
36:39Did you know
36:40As you were working on it
36:41Like this is going to
36:42Be a special thing
36:42I knew it was just
36:43The greatest gig
36:44I ever had in the movies
36:46And then uh
36:47I was lucky enough
36:48To be nominated
36:49For the movie
36:49Patch Adams
36:50With Robin Williams
36:51And I was at
36:52The nominee luncheon
36:53You know
36:53They have a lovely
36:54Tasteful nominee luncheon
36:56And a woman
36:57In pearls
36:58A very tasteful woman
36:59Said
36:59So Mr. Shaman
37:01What are you working on now
37:02And I didn't have the heart
37:03To say to her
37:04Well this whole weekend
37:05I had the South Park Sound Library
37:07Send me all their fart sound effects
37:11Because Trey wrote the song
37:12And this is one song
37:13That Trey wrote all by himself
37:14The classic
37:16I'm going to say a bad word now
37:17Yeah please
37:18Uncle
37:18Yeah
37:20But it was my idea
37:21That the character singing the song
37:23Terrence and Phillip
37:24They love to laugh about farting
37:26Yeah
37:26I can say farting right
37:28Yeah yeah yeah
37:28So far
37:28Wow I'm hitting them all
37:30Certainly if you can say the first two
37:31You can say farting
37:32So
37:32It was my idea
37:34That they would have
37:34A fart tap dance break
37:36And so even in the morning
37:38Of the nominee luncheon
37:39I was sitting at the computer
37:40With all the digital fart sound effects
37:42Figuring out how to go
37:45So go home
37:46Google it
37:46Watch it
37:47And you'll hear
37:47It's my tap dance
37:49Extravaganza with farts
37:50It's your Mr. Holland's opus
37:52Yes
37:53But I didn't tell her that
37:54I didn't have
37:55I didn't have the heart
37:55And then a year later
37:56We were nominated
37:57And at that nominee luncheon
37:58There you go
37:59And by the way
38:00A song that holds up
38:01I do want to stress
38:02Bette Midler
38:03You dedicate the book to her
38:06And this is really
38:07An incredible story
38:08I mean
38:08I personally
38:10Kind of can't believe
38:11I have met Bette Midler
38:13Like she was deeply
38:14Important to me
38:15Growing up
38:15But way more to you
38:16Really?
38:17Yeah my parents
38:18Loved Bette Midler albums
38:19And we listened to them
38:20All the time
38:20And she's just a dynamo
38:22But you were a young person
38:24Yeah
38:24I mean
38:25I was like 13
38:26When Bookie William Beagleboy
38:27Hit the radio
38:28And she became a big star
38:29On Johnny Carson
38:31And all I wanted to do
38:32Was work with Bette Midler
38:33And I stole money
38:34From my father's wallet
38:35Once and cut school
38:36And went to New York
38:37To see her in concert
38:38And had this fantasy
38:39That I was going to run
38:40Down the aisle
38:40And say
38:40Oh Miss Midler
38:41I knew every note
38:42Of every song
38:43On every album
38:44Please let me play for you
38:45And then just by sheer luck
38:47The first people I met
38:48When I moved to New York
38:49When I was 16
38:51One of them
38:52Scott Whitman
38:53Who became my co-lyricist
38:54And my lover
38:55As we used to say
38:56For 25 years
38:57He lived across the hall
38:59From one of Bette Midler's
39:00Backup singers
39:01So you know
39:03Who could have dreamed
39:04That that would happen
39:05And they were starting
39:06Their own group
39:06When they weren't on the road
39:07With Bette Midler
39:08And because I was right there
39:09And I knew the harmonies
39:11They wanted to do
39:12Because of my love
39:12For Bette Midler
39:13I became their musical director
39:15Then Bette said
39:16Girls come back on the road
39:17And to make a long story short
39:18I was flown to L.A.
39:20I got to watch
39:21Bette Midler rehearse
39:22And then she called
39:23The song out to her band
39:24And the band didn't know it
39:26And one of the harlots said
39:29And so Bette Midler said
39:30You, do you know
39:31How to play No Gesturing?
39:32And I got
39:33She got to walk to a stage
39:35And say
39:35Oh, Miss Midler
39:36I know every note
39:37Of every album
39:38And every song
39:38It's an absolute true story
39:41What a thing
39:43Congratulations on the book
39:44An incredible career
39:46Thank you
39:46Appreciate everybody's memoir
39:48And never mind
39:49And the happiest available now
39:49We'll be right back
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40:19The Late Night Podcast
40:20Featuring a closer look
40:21Guest interviews
40:22And more
40:23Available wherever
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40:32I want to thank my guest
40:34Stephen Colbert
40:34Mark Shaman
40:35Thanks for all watching
40:36We love you everybody
40:37Thank you
40:38I want to thank you
40:40And we'll see you next to
40:55Thanks for all watching
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