- 3 hours ago
The Chief S02E04 2026 Official Release
Category
đĽ
Short filmTranscript
00:02Are you telling me that 70% of our drones don't work in the rain?
00:07Well, they do now. We attach little umbrellas.
00:11Good work, Muldoon.
00:12Well, thank you very much, everyone.
00:16Now, Chief, I just wanted to check how you were holding up under the investigation.
00:21Oh, it's not an investigation, Lindsay.
00:23No, no, just as part of my contract renewal, the police federation are conducting a cursory check into my past.
00:30Why would they do that, sir?
00:31Well, to reassure the Scottish public that their police force are beyond reproach.
00:35It was on my recommendation, actually, after we renewed Malcolm Maguire's contract.
00:41Bent Malcolm.
00:43Excellent policeman, first rate, but he was selling stolen goods on Facebook Marketplace, so...
00:48We should have seen the clues. We are the police.
00:51Yeah, well, hindsight's 20-20, Muldoon.
00:54Anyway, it's a formality, a box tick.
00:58Got it, sir.
00:59No. No winking.
01:01This is a wink-free scenario. It's purely protocol.
01:05Protocol? Understood.
01:07No, don't. No nose tapping.
01:09Listen, sir. If something comes up in your past, say you left the boot in for too long.
01:15We've all done it. Different times.
01:17I will back you, gaffer. I'll make sure and keep it zipped.
01:21No, don't zip. No zipping.
01:23My character and conduct are beyond reproach.
01:26Ah, it's good to know, sir.
01:28Right. If that's a supportive wink, then I accept that wink.
01:32You'll squish it, Chief. There's no Wallace behaviour in your past.
01:35Oh, Greg Wallace. The pudding boy. No, absolutely not. I respect women of a certain age. Of all ages.
01:44All women. All people. But particularly all women people.
01:51Thank you, women people. That will be all.
02:09Morning, Cameron.
02:11Ah, Lachlan, Belinda. Beautiful day for paddle.
02:14We should join us one day, Cameron.
02:16Oh, I'd love to. I've just got to get my head round whether it's little tennis or big ping pong.
02:22Oh, one thing. Have you managed to talk to your daughter yet, I've got...
02:34This country is a joke. You end up in court over nothing. Nothing. The system is rigged. It's unbelievable.
02:41Court, eh?
02:42To be honest, she's on first-name terms with most of the staff down there.
02:46So is our daughter.
02:47Oh, well, then you know what I'm talking about. Kids, eh? Of course you love...
02:50She's an advocate.
02:52Oh, right. She's a... Oh, she's Samantha Bannerman, Crawford.
02:56Right. Well. Well done. Good for her. Good for you.
03:00Tacking back to the matter in hand. The van.
03:04We don't want her to get rid of her beliefs.
03:06Of course not. She's young.
03:07We were young.
03:08We get it.
03:08We get it. We were all there. Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.
03:11Out, out, out.
03:12And I boycotted South African orange juice.
03:15And even today, I listen to Kneecap on Spotify.
03:18The van. It was a major topic in the last Residents Association meeting.
03:23Major AOB.
03:24Well, so much AOB that the AOB had AOB.
03:28And the AOB was the van.
03:30Can you see where we're coming from?
03:32I understand, Lachlan.
03:34I grew up a mere faded nine iron from here.
03:38The only van in our cul-de-sac delivered longest-teen oysters and hand-dived scallops.
03:44I'll have a one with her.
03:46She was talking about driving to China to help the Uyghurs anyway.
03:49Or driving to Cardiff to see the Ezra collected.
03:51Either way, it's maybe time to go with the tires press.
03:55Well, that's great news.
03:56Oh, we're having a BBQ this week. Would you and Ellen like to join us?
04:01Oh, we're delighted, yes.
04:03Any dietary requirements?
04:04Well, Ellen is a strict vegan.
04:06But to compensate, I'll eat anything that bleeds.
04:13I can't believe you'd rather cozy up to a slave owner than stand up for your own daughter.
04:20What?
04:21He's a Bannerman Crawford, tobacco lord, plantation boss, slave owner.
04:25He's not a slave owner.
04:27His ancestors, maybe.
04:29Hundreds of years ago.
04:31His wealth is inherited.
04:33It's tainted.
04:34You can't judge someone purely on their ancestors.
04:38Otherwise, you'd be Scotland's greatest cop.
04:40I'm also striving for justice.
04:42Historic justice.
04:44Please.
04:46These are my people.
04:47I belong here.
04:49Well, I'm not going anywhere.
04:50Can't you just park your principles for five seconds?
04:54Nope.
04:55I literally can't go anywhere.
04:57You're tagged?
04:58I'm under curfew order.
05:00Can you pay the fine?
05:01For what?
05:02For providing vital historical context.
05:06All right.
05:06So you've vandalised a statue.
05:09Great.
05:09So now, I'm not only your father, I'm your jailer.
05:13My own daughter.
05:15Tagged like a cheap bottle of Vaudy and Tesco's.
05:19Unless you pay the fine.
05:21No, no.
05:22That is a red line I do not cross.
05:24You got into this situation.
05:26You get out of it.
05:27Now, I need a couple of rounds of a poise.
05:30Get yourself down to Charlie's Cheesemonger...
05:37Right, I'll go.
05:39I thought they would have completed their background check by now.
05:43What's keeping them?
05:44Oh, you know what the police federation are like, Chief?
05:46Dragging their heels.
05:47I've said it before.
05:48I will back you, sir.
05:50If you've dangled a wee radge out a ten-storey window,
05:53we've all done it.
05:54Now you're doubling up.
05:56The wink and the nose tap don't double up.
05:58My behaviour is and always has been exemplary.
06:00I think you should know that a few of the boys have been saying
06:03that maybe something nefarious has came to light.
06:05No smoke without fire.
06:07No stink without keech.
06:09No smoke, no fire.
06:10No stink, no keech.
06:11Okay, sir.
06:12I will work to shut the rumours down.
06:15What rumours?
06:16Well, I'm not saying there's anything behind it, Chief,
06:18but, uh, bigamy.
06:20Bigamy?
06:20I can't even get one wife.
06:22Have you heard this, Muldoon?
06:23No, sir.
06:24Good.
06:25I heard you were selling dodgy Manjaro on the dark web.
06:27Oh, for a chance of that.
06:29Just shut these rumours down, Muldoon.
06:32And Lindsay, see if you can find out why the police federation are taking so long.
06:35Scan the horizon for smoke signals.
06:38Chief, can't say that.
06:52Is this yours?
06:54Certainly not.
06:55When there is an investigation into your historical behaviour...
06:59A routine protocol box tick.
07:02And I am sent this anonymously,
07:04then it is logical to conclude it's from some kind of whistleblower.
07:07Logical?
07:08Someone trying to tell me that the Chief behaved inappropriately at the Christmas party.
07:13What?
07:14You didn't for a moment think that maybe someone was trying to tell you that you're an arse?
07:20So, I suppose that is plausible as well.
07:23Or maybe someone saying we're making an arse of running the country.
07:26I can't believe you thought that was mine.
07:29Mine has heft and definition.
07:32I'm Michelangelo's David, not some slack-arsed saddo from a count.
07:38Well, we need you to sort it out, Chief.
07:41Tamp down the rumours that are getting out of hand.
07:43Well, what have you heard?
07:45Selling stolen goods on Facebook Marketplace.
07:47No, that's bent, Malcolm.
07:48You've got your scandals mixed up.
07:50Not that there's a scandal involving me.
07:52It's tittle-tattle.
07:53I'm having to defend you to the First Minister.
07:56There's nothing to defend!
07:59Well, take some jalebes if you want.
08:00My nephew just got his HGP licence.
08:05Send them my congratulations.
08:22So, Ellen, why the bracelet?
08:25I vandalised a statue on Hunter Square.
08:28What?
08:29Giving it vital historical context.
08:32It's a Bannerman Crawford.
08:33It's one of ours.
08:34One of yours.
08:35Don't worry about the statue, Ellen.
08:37That old bastard blackened the family name.
08:40I'll join you next time.
08:43That's not funny.
08:44That's not funny.
08:46All of this was paid for by slavery.
08:48Hardly.
08:50I'm a senior partner with Anderson, McGrory, MacLeish and Matheson.
08:54I earn my own money.
08:55Slavery created a system of wealth accumulation for slave owners and their descendants.
09:00You know, I do find myself conflicted.
09:03We give back what we can.
09:05I soup kitchen and I litter pick on the meadows.
09:09Charity doesn't address the root cause of social problems.
09:13You know, you're just a...
09:14Fuck a few time, sadly.
09:17Yes, let's get you home before you start buzzing like your table's ready at the Toby Carvery.
09:25Look, look, look.
09:26I am sorry that you don't like staring at my van, but I don't like staring at slavery terrors.
09:32Yes, slavery terrors.
09:33That was her favourite Enid Blyton when she was a little girl.
09:36Oh, it's their family history.
09:40Can't you just look the other way?
09:42What?
09:42Like they won't with my van?
09:48What are you looking for, Chief?
09:56I'm trying to find out if my neighbours have a legal right to remove Ellen's van.
10:00Title condition Scotland 2003 AXA.
10:03Ah, thank you, Muldoon.
10:06Ah, did you ever have troublesome neighbours?
10:09Not too bad now, sir, but when I was wee, one boy stoved in her wall and nicked her telly.
10:14But it was a World Cup qualifier, so fair play to him.
10:18He suffered plenty in the end.
10:19Retribution.
10:21Scheme justice.
10:22Norway beat us 4-0.
10:25Dodgy neighbours, eh, sir?
10:26Do you want us to go and pay them a visit?
10:29Ah, don't start that.
10:30We don't need to bring a wink into this.
10:32We could speak to them.
10:33Hey, hey, hey.
10:34No, no, stop either.
10:36Paul.
10:38Any emails from the Federation?
10:40All quiet on that particular front, sir.
10:42It's a box tick.
10:43Why the delay?
10:44Were you one of the dwarves in the Christmas Pantone 93?
10:48Did...
10:48How did you know that?
10:49Reddit forum.
10:50There's a discussion on you.
10:52It was a different type.
10:54Somebody also says that they saw you scanning apples as tatties in Lidl.
10:59Who'd start a Reddit forum on me?
11:01I did.
11:01What?
11:02Well, I thought I'd smoke out some info.
11:04Plus, I've been adding some positive stuff under a variety of aliases.
11:07Such as?
11:08He's a confident and impressive tipper.
11:10I have personally seen him stroke a puppy.
11:13He looks very distinguished in the lambent evening light.
11:16I mean, all of this is true, Paul.
11:18I don't know.
11:18A Reddit forum, I think it's counterproductive.
11:21When you're trying to smoke something out, you don't go barging in with a flamethrower.
11:25Close it down.
11:26Got it.
11:31Come chat-co, attack.
11:35Urgh.
11:36Come chat-co, attack.
11:40Urgh.
11:41Attack.
11:42Attack.
11:44Attack.
11:47Surrender?
11:48No.
11:49No, actually.
11:50Let's just take a break.
11:50We'll come back to it.
11:52My luck's got to change soon.
11:54I'm surprised you even play this game, Ellen.
11:56You know, empire building, subjugation, warmongering.
12:00I've got to do something.
12:02I'm so bored kicking around the place.
12:05Stuck with you.
12:06Well, straight back at you, kid.
12:08I'm stuck with you, too.
12:09It is worse for me.
12:10I'm young, and you're half dead already.
12:14People at your age are meant to be stuck at home moaning about interest rates and falling asleep during reruns
12:20of Bargain Hunt.
12:22I am years from retirement, young lady.
12:28Unless they find something.
12:32Come on, let's play some beauty.
12:33Keep my mind off things.
12:34Come on.
12:35I don't get it.
12:36It's so random.
12:38How do you make them kick?
12:40How many times have I got to tell you?
12:42They don't kick.
12:44You flick them.
12:45Flick them.
12:46And you flick the goalie, too.
12:48No, you kind of, you stab at you.
12:50You kind of wiggle and stab.
12:51Wiggle and stab.
12:53This was like Xbox for boomers.
12:55Very popular in my day, Ellen.
12:57We also had rugby and cricket.
12:59Nothing for the lasses, of course.
13:01My poor wee sister.
13:02She happened to pretend that Donald Ford and Drew Busby were Torval and Dean.
13:17What if they have found something?
13:20Oh, God, what would I do?
13:22What sort of job would I get at my age?
13:25Uncle Jeff went back to work at Iceland.
13:28From proudly guarding a nation to freezing my balls off, stacking fish fingers in a walk-in chiller.
13:33I don't think so.
13:35You could probably make a living on the lecture circuit.
13:40That's more my speed, yes.
13:43The lecture circuit.
13:45I thought the chief's speech was very good, Sheena.
13:48Yes, so did I, Margaret.
13:49He's really kept his looks, hasn't he?
13:52Kept them.
13:53If anything, he's better looking.
13:56Oh.
13:57Are you all right, Dad?
13:59Oh, no, it's the Bannerman Crawfords.
14:02They're on the attack.
14:03We might have to join forces.
14:04You're 50 battalions in my one piece.
14:08Come on.
14:09So, Residence Association last night.
14:11We done with the AOB of the AOB when a spot of AOB came up.
14:16Let me guess.
14:17The van and a possible solution.
14:19Ellen, Blinda and I are firmly of the opinion that charity begins at home.
14:25And under the circumstances, the Crescents have clubbed together and we're happy to pay your fine.
14:32Oh, so you're going to buy me like you bought your slaves?
14:36Oh, not that again.
14:37Come on, please, just take it.
14:39I'm taking your blood money.
14:41The passion of you.
14:43One man's blood money is another man's legitimately inherited lagerse, Ellen.
14:47I can't be bought.
14:49Well, that'll be a first for your family.
14:51What's that supposed to mean?
14:52Oh, come on.
14:53It's all over the Crescent.
14:55It's only a rumour, Lackey.
14:57You're being investigated for taking kickbacks.
14:59Who told you that?
15:00Samantha works with a clerk who knows a chef who works in chambers and he overheard an MSP talking to
15:05the Procurator Fiscal.
15:07It's a box ticking obligation as part of my contract renewal.
15:12Please, just take the money.
15:14Some of the residents are getting worried about house prices.
15:16This is the pinnacle of postcodes after all.
15:19Did you make this?
15:21No.
15:22Because it's not polite, is it?
15:24If it was polite, it would say please.
15:26Please, just move it.
15:28Please.
15:29We don't want it here.
15:31People are upset.
15:32Husbands and wives are falling out.
15:34Belinda and I are falling out.
15:36Mingus Radford Brooks is in his bed.
15:39Right there.
15:40Dying.
15:41Dying.
15:42Do you understand?
15:43He's in that house, lying at his bed,
15:46and his dearest wish was that the last thing he would see would be his beautiful cornicing.
15:51His beautiful Victorian cornicing on his spacious 15-foot ceiling.
15:55But no, the last thing you'll see is not his beautiful cornicing.
15:58It'll be that bloody van.
16:00Well, maybe you should take some of your legitimately inherited largesse
16:04and buy him some blackout blinds.
16:06Ellen?
16:08You have tried your best.
16:15Lindsay.
16:16Lindsay.
16:16Any news?
16:17Any updates?
16:18Are you okay?
16:19I want you to feel supported.
16:22How's your mental health?
16:23Well, currently not great.
16:25This delay, it just doesn't make any sense.
16:28My character and conduct are beyond reproach.
16:31Can you think of anything, anything at all from your past that might be a bit dodge?
16:38The only thing I can think of is that time I misgendered one of the police dogs.
16:44How do you misgender a police dog?
16:46Well, this is easily done.
16:47It was the Canine Bravery Awards at Linlithgow,
16:50and I just hung the medal round Shadow's neck,
16:53and I referred to him as one hell of a brave bitch.
16:56It's handled not best pleased.
16:57Check before you speak, Chief.
16:59It's the golden rule.
17:01I'm the leading law enforcement officer in the land.
17:04I can't be crawling around on all fours,
17:06lifting the tail of every Alsatian I come across.
17:09It's easier with horses.
17:11I've never misgendered a horse.
17:13Well, no, because they're bits and pieces.
17:14Well, they're head-hight, aren't they?
17:16You can't miss...
17:16They're staring you in the face.
17:17Yeah, you can't miss...
17:19No.
17:20So, yeah, well, it can't have been that,
17:22because I...
17:22I would have been told.
17:24Okay, well.
17:26Keep your ear to the ground.
17:28You hear anything, get on the jungle drums.
17:31Chief!
17:32You can't say that.
17:34Oh, no.
17:34Yeah, sorry.
17:38I am never going to that canteen again.
17:41It's like running the gauntlet.
17:43Rumors fly like I'm Indiana Jones dodging the blow darts.
17:48Oh, here comes the chief.
17:55Yeah?
17:56Oh.
17:56Oh, sir.
17:59Oh, no.
18:00That's dice.
18:02Gambling.
18:03Yeah.
18:04Just go home.
18:05Relax.
18:06I can't go home.
18:08They'll be waiting for me.
18:10Oh, Cameron, have you found the time to move the van yet?
18:14I thought the crescent would be my haven, my sanctuary.
18:18Can't you just move the van?
18:21Well, if I move the van, then Elm thinks I'm a fascist.
18:24And if I don't move the van, then my neighbours think I'm a communist.
18:27Oh, I just wish that bloody van would disappear.
18:33Sir, I need you to authorise raids on organised crime gangs and suspected drug boats.
18:40Some of these are months away.
18:42Aye, well, justice thought we should get authorisation just in case.
18:46Just in case of what?
18:47The investiga...
18:49Sorry.
18:50Cursory background check is dragging on.
18:53There's succession planning.
18:55Behind my back.
18:56Worse, in front of my front.
18:58Belt and braces, I'm sure, sir.
19:03This has all worked out rather well for you, Muldoon, hasn't it?
19:06What do you mean, sir?
19:07Oh, I'll shut down the rumours, sir.
19:09Maybe you started them.
19:11I have never been anything but supportive of you, sir.
19:19Did the Federation question you about me?
19:23Yes.
19:24What did you say?
19:26That's confidential, sir.
19:31In my years of service, I have never witnessed even a suggestion of inappropriate behaviour
19:37from the Chief Commissioner.
19:39Hardworking, loyal, he's an inspirational leader.
19:42No ink?
19:43No ink.
19:45He's dedicated his life to public service.
19:48He's a consummate professional.
19:52Consummate has two M's.
19:55Muldoon.
19:56Thank you, sir.
19:57Oh, no.
19:59Thank you, Muldoon.
20:13Ellen!
20:13What have you done now?
20:15Nothing.
20:16Two cops turned up and covered up my van.
20:18I thought it was your idea.
20:19No?
20:20Oh, Paul!
20:24Do you like the tent, Chief?
20:26Problem solved.
20:27Obviously.
20:27I appreciate it, but I...
20:31Oh!
20:32Lachlan!
20:33Belinda!
20:35What do you think?
20:36Are you happy now?
20:37Looks like there's been a murder.
20:39Or worse.
20:40The SNP have moved in.
20:42Out of sight?
20:43Out of mind?
20:44Now, Mingus can see out his final days in the company of his beautiful cornucing.
20:51I was really hoping you wouldn't come to this, but the Residents Association have authorized
20:55me to take next steps.
20:57What do you mean next steps?
20:58Breaching a title condition in the Title Conditions Scotland Act, 2003.
21:04Expect to hear from our lawyer.
21:08Legal action, eh?
21:10Now they're threatening legal action.
21:12Against me.
21:14The People's Chief.
21:15All because of you and your bloody van!
21:19Right.
21:20That's it.
21:21I'm done.
21:21I'm paying you a fine.
21:22You don't need to.
21:23My period of monitoring ended two days ago.
21:26I'm a free woman.
21:28Can leave when I like.
21:30Well, why haven't you?
21:33Oh, I'm not letting the Crescent win!
21:36Oh, the sky is blue, the grass is green, and the Crescent always wins!
21:45Oh, what do they want now?
21:52Cameron, is there anything I should be worried about?
21:56Anything I should prepare myself for?
21:59Was our whole marriage a sham?
22:03Are you gay?
22:04I'm not gay!
22:06Well, there was that guy that time in Magaluf, remember?
22:10He went to the wrestling together.
22:13Big Frank!
22:14I think this is projection, Barbara.
22:17You were the one getting on the slather sun lotion on your back.
22:20I couldn't reach.
22:22And you were asleep, snoring away the latest John Grisham sliding off your belly.
22:27Barbara, you've got nothing to worry about.
22:33You're stressed.
22:34Maybe it's time to step back.
22:36Step down.
22:37Oh, no.
22:39This whole thing has made me realise that I need to work.
22:43I'm not ready for retirement.
22:46Being trapped by the Crescent.
22:50A life of barbecues and a nice pork pie and a pint before wandering down to Murrayfield and gallery openings.
22:59And, oh, you must come and stay in our divine villain, Tuscany.
23:02And, oh, there's an extraordinary production of the steamy at the Traverse.
23:09And petty little disputes about a van.
23:13My world has shrunk, Barbara.
23:15From leading a proud nation's crime-fighting force to a petty little dispute about a van.
23:28It's the Justice Minister.
23:30Oh, well, they've obviously found something.
23:33They've found something.
23:34I mean, if it was good news, he'd tell me in person.
23:37No, it's bad news by email.
23:39Dumped by text.
23:41New boob job Insta.
23:42This could still be good news, Cameron.
23:45I'm an innocent man, Barbara.
23:47And I've been brought down by trumped-up charges.
23:51Cameron, man up.
23:53Whatever it is, face it.
24:03Hello, Minister?
24:06What's that?
24:06Sorry, you'll...
24:07Could you speak up?
24:08There's a bit of a commotion at my end.
24:11It looks like the press.
24:14I...
24:14Sorry.
24:16What was that?
24:16Could you say that again?
24:18Say again?
24:19I am delighted that you are all here to save you coming down to headquarters for the announcement
24:28that the routine box tick protocol glimpse has concluded and I am fully exonerated.
24:37My character and conduct are beyond reproach and you will be delighted to hear that I am
24:43to continue in my position as the chief, your chief, the people's chief.
24:49So why did it take so long?
24:50Ah, a simple misunderstanding.
24:53Malcolm Maguire, or Bent Malcolm as the Fourth Estate have christened him, named his six-bedroom
24:59Marbella Villa Mikkelsen Mansions.
25:01This was a disrespectful dig at myself and not, as the Police Federation wrongly assumed,
25:06a tribute.
25:07So, you're off the hook?
25:08I was never on the hook.
25:12It's not that it's not not proven.
25:14I am not guilty.
25:16Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
25:19No, no, please, please, please.
25:21I have a nation to police.
25:24Thank you very much.
25:31Now that you're actually leaving, well, I'm going to miss you.
25:36I'm going to miss you too.
25:38But it's time.
25:40Best I leave you with your people.
25:44What if these aren't my people?
25:46What if your people turned out to be someone else's people?
25:48Maybe you're my people.
25:50I am your people, Dad.
25:53But trust me, these are way more your people.
25:57Bon voyage, Ellen.
25:59Is it the Uyghurs or the Ezra Collective?
26:02Oh, both.
26:02I'm working the charity stall outside the gig.
26:04Well, have a great trip.
26:06Here, have some of Belinda's focaccia for your journey.
26:10Oh.
26:11Is this the one that's laced with the truffle oil from...
26:15Pyramid.
26:16Yes.
26:16Um, no thank you.
26:19Uh, they use Legato Roman Yolo dogs to find the truffles.
26:22Um, so yeah, it's exploitative.
26:27So, I'll, um, I'll find a parking space for the van down at the station.
26:31When you're back.
26:38Good luck.
26:39Thanks, Dad.
26:59Tell you what.
27:01I'll pop down to Charlie's Cheesemongers and get some of Poise to go with that focaccia.
27:05Bye.
27:06Bye.
27:06Bye.
27:08Bye.
Comments