- 2 days ago
The Chief S02E02 2026
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00:00Now, Chief, I'm sure you're on it like a poor fiesta bonnet, but we need this visit
00:06to pass without incident. We are expecting protests. Potential serious disorder.
00:11Well, here's a fascist.
00:13We can't be heard using terms like that. We would prefer fascist-esque.
00:18Fascist adjacent. Rest easy, Minister. The riot teams are in full training. We sourced
00:24a job lot of past their sell-by date pumpkins so that they could practice...
00:28Actually, you don't need to know the details. Suffice to say, the visit will be incident-free.
00:34Now, this is a big deal, which is why we've loosened our belts a wee bit around the restrictions
00:40to undercover ops. We have the sneakiest, most duplicitous telltale tits embedded in all the
00:48Antifa groups. Excellent. Now, politically, we don't agree with a single thing his regime stands for.
00:55But diplomatically, we need to roll out the red carpet.
00:58And we shall provide the velvet ropes for the golden goose.
01:01Excellent code name. The thing is, Chief,
01:03it's a matter of trade, you see. His whole country has got a tartan fetish.
01:08They import kilts, shop bread, whisky. Major export market to the...
01:13Fascist. Fascist des?
01:14The fascist adjacent, sir.
01:17So, while we may have to hold our collective noses, this visit simply must go smoothly. The First Minister,
01:24the Scottish Government, even the UK Government are depending on you.
01:29Rest assured, Minister. There shall be no drop-off in the sale of China Scotty dogs on my watch.
01:35Good man. Oh, help yourself to a burpee. My brother just had his seventh kid.
01:40Oh, well, send my congratulations to the family. Thank you, Minister.
01:46What's that condom? Shouldn't work, but it does.
01:48I thought we were divorced. I knew you'd forget. He's forgotten, Ellen.
02:02Andy. Dad, Andy's coming round. Oh, that's the night. Sorry, I'll get changed.
02:08Try and be normal with this one, Cameron. I'm always normal.
02:11You have the last one arrested. He was doing 23 in her 20. The law's the law, Barbara.
02:18Right. That's him. Get a shaft on, Dad.
02:22She had been filming a pair of trousers.
02:26Hello. Hi. Mum, this is Andy.
02:30Hi. Oh, it's so lovely to meet you, Mrs Meekleson.
02:33Actually, it's Miss Vanagon these days, but please, Andrew, you can call me Barbara.
02:37Barbara, you've got it.
02:38Well, look at this merry gathering. Cameron Meekleson.
02:46Dad, this is Andy.
02:49Of course it is. It's Andy. There's nobody else here.
02:54It's got to be Andy. Andy's in the house. Barbara, you met Andy?
03:00Andy, let's...
03:01Oh, of course.
03:02You know, because that's what people do when they're meeting for the first time,
03:05which is what we're doing, after all.
03:06Yes.
03:07Hello. Welcome.
03:08Hi.
03:08Yeah, it's nice to meet you.
03:09Yes.
03:09Andrew, sit here.
03:11Yes.
03:11Yes.
03:12Andy, welcome.
03:13Meet yourself.
03:15Oh, you don't have a drink.
03:16We're on G&T's.
03:17Oh, it's okay. I don't actually drink.
03:20No, well, a soft drink, then.
03:22Come with me. You can choose with plenty soft drinks.
03:24Yes, a Ribena, maybe.
03:26He's not fine.
03:27No, no, it's fine. That sounds lovely.
03:29Do you like bimto?
03:29Oh, a partial bimto, yeah.
03:30What about kombucha? Maybe one of your ginger kombuchas.
03:33Just put that in here, Andy.
03:34I'm sure we'll find you something to drink, Andy.
03:38Steve.
03:39Steve, what is going on?
03:41This is bad.
03:42This is...
03:42No.
03:43Very bad.
03:44Are you...
03:45I'm working, sir.
03:46I'm on a job.
03:47This is an underco...
03:48An undercover operation?
03:50Why?
03:50I was assigned to an anti-fascist protest group because of Golden Goose's visit.
03:55Ellen was my way in.
03:57I had no idea she was your daughter.
03:59Oh, right.
03:59The name Mikkelsen?
04:01Didn't ring any bells?
04:02You're not the only Mikkelsons in Scotland, sir.
04:04And you don't exactly feature on our Instagram page.
04:07Brilliant police work.
04:09Detective Cunst, the bloody high-wine that he insists on playing, eh?
04:14High-wine, exactly.
04:14The boy is mad with the pace we've got in the wings.
04:16The pace in the wings, Ellen.
04:19Mum wants pretzels.
04:20Oh, she is.
04:22She's pretzel daft, she is.
04:25Honestly, she'll turn into a pretzel, that one.
04:28Steve, this evening is over.
04:30OK.
04:31Make your excuses and leave.
04:37Meet your nibble, Andrew?
04:38Oh, sorry, I'm vegan, Barbara.
04:42Oh.
04:44Doesn't drink, doesn't eat meat.
04:46Cheap day, Ellen.
04:48So how was it you two actually met?
04:51We were on a march, protesting against the upcoming visit of that fascist.
04:58We were both in different groups, but got kettled together.
05:01And then our eyes just met across the barricade.
05:04I think that's what they call a meet-cute.
05:06Oh, what's that?
05:09Can anyone else hear that buzzing?
05:11Oh, that's somebody's phone.
05:13No, that's not.
05:14No, I think that's a phone.
05:15Andy, is that your phone?
05:18No, I think it's your phone.
05:19Is it?
05:20Oh, I...
05:23Buzzing.
05:24Oh, hang on.
05:26It's probably a text.
05:27It is a text.
05:28Yes.
05:30Oh, no.
05:34Tragedy has struck at the squat.
05:37Emo, you know Emo.
05:39He's one of the boys in the squat, has very sadly lost his dog.
05:42I'm going to have to go and help him find it.
05:45Oh, dear.
05:46I'm so sorry, guys.
05:48Oh.
05:49It's a three-legged whippet.
05:51It's not going to go very far.
05:52Ellen, the boy Emo, Emo, yeah, he's clearly distraught.
05:56He is.
05:56There's dogs out there running around.
05:59You...
05:59The least Andy can do is go and help him look for it.
06:02Good for you, Andy.
06:04Good for you.
06:04Got yourself a dog over here, eh?
06:06Well, look, it's been lovely meeting you, but goodbye.
06:10Yes.
06:12Listen, don't tell anyone about this, OK?
06:14And I mean anyone, if ever got out at the Chief's Daughters,
06:16the target of an undercover operation.
06:18It's all right, it's all right.
06:18It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
06:20I'll figure out what to do.
06:21Do you know the underground car park at Morrison's?
06:23Yeah.
06:24I'll meet you there, tomorrow, 4 in the PM.
06:27So very nice to meet you, and I very much hope that we'll...
06:31We'll be able to spend more time together the next time you're around.
06:34Stay, Andy, Andy, Andy, that's Andy.
06:36I'll look forward to seeing you again soon, Andrew.
06:39Night.
06:39Well, good night to you.
06:45Well, I thought he was absolutely charming, Alan.
06:48Are you ever going to be normal with one of my boyfriends?
06:55Do you have to ruin everything for her?
06:58He clearly left because he was uncomfortable with you.
07:02It's so hard to see my little girl growing up, drifting away.
07:05You're going to have to let her go, Cameron.
07:08Particularly if he's the one.
07:10He's not the one.
07:11Well, I thought he was lovely.
07:13A what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of guy.
07:15Is what-you-see-what-you-get though?
07:17Sometimes what you're not seeing is what you're getting.
07:19Although I still don't understand young people not drinking.
07:24And from what Ellen tells me, they're not having a physical relationship.
07:30Excellent news.
07:32Good old-fashioned morals.
07:33You know, that's what this country lacks.
07:35They're young.
07:37They should be enjoying themselves.
07:39Christ, even we had our moments.
07:44The Fort Fiesta.
07:46The Regal Hotel Gala Shields.
07:49The Bunker on the Fifth at Royal Burgess.
07:53The physical side of relationship is so important.
07:57You don't want to be disappointed.
08:00You think you're shopping for aubergine and you find yourself in the Gherkin Isle.
08:05Besides, if he really is the one, she doesn't want to leave it too long.
08:09Miss out on him.
08:11End up married to the wrong idiot for 30 years.
08:13It was 32 years.
08:23I'm off for a meeting, Paul.
08:24Where? There's no meeting in the diary.
08:26It's fine.
08:27Have I forgot to put a meeting in the diary?
08:29No, no. Not your fault.
08:30I'll just pop the meeting in the diary.
08:32No need. I'm going to the meeting now.
08:33Will only take a minute.
08:34No, Paul.
08:34Where's the meeting?
08:35I'll just pop it in the diary.
08:37I don't want to miss a meeting.
08:38I can't be impressed.
08:39Paul!
08:44Can I trust you?
08:45With your life, sir.
08:46This must go no further.
08:49Ellen is dating an undercover cop and I have to go now and sort it all out.
08:53Ellen. Ellen's being infiltrated.
08:56Don't put it like that, but...
08:58Yes.
09:00No one must know.
09:03I'm privileged.
09:04The only one in the know.
09:05Like, um, Matt Damon in The Departed.
09:08It's actually Mark Wahlberg who's in the know, but...
09:11Oh.
09:11Yeah.
09:15Mark Wahlberg.
09:18I'm Mark Wahlberg.
09:21Oh, where's the chief awaiting?
09:24He has gone...
09:27to the dentist.
09:31He's having a root canal in his upper left thigh.
09:38Hey, Steve.
09:47I thought you were a vegan.
09:49Well, it's part of my cover, sir.
09:51To be honest, it's the hardest part to keep up.
09:54Three-legged whippet.
09:55Is that the best you could come up with?
09:57I wouldn't be writing your Oscar acceptance speech.
09:59You took me by surprise.
10:01It's hard doing it in front of your boss.
10:03Okay, you are pretend seeing my daughter.
10:06How pretend?
10:07How embedded are you?
10:08How deep has this gone?
10:16Yeah, not deep.
10:17Not deep at all.
10:19Just, you...
10:20There's little to no depth.
10:21We're just courting.
10:22Courting.
10:22How romantic.
10:23Well, this ends.
10:24Now you've got to get yourself transferred out of Undercover Ops.
10:28What, right now?
10:28Yes.
10:29I can get you a transfer anywhere you want.
10:31Armed response.
10:32Motorcycle display team.
10:34Top of the triangle.
10:35What about money laundering?
10:37You'll meet a lot of nice girls in the nail parlour.
10:40Just take your pick.
10:41Can't.
10:42My bosses will never allow it.
10:43I'm your boss.
10:45I mean my Undercover bosses.
10:46The bosses even you can't know about.
10:49The info I'm getting is absolute gold dust.
10:52Nobody wants Antifa sparking up a big old Billy Bifter in the Holyrood box.
10:56Okay.
10:57I'll figure out how to end this.
10:58For Ellen's sake.
11:00How can I get in touch with you?
11:08Keep still.
11:10I'll be in contact with a plan.
11:12Remember I'm your boss.
11:14And your fake girlfriend's father.
11:19I think some might question the use of taxpayer money to protect a brutal dictator.
11:25One man's dictator is another man's street talking strong man.
11:28He's kept in power by an oppressive police force.
11:31What is the point in having laws if we can't enforce them?
11:37Look, no one's advocating for a police state here.
11:40Well…
11:41It's imperative we stop protesters getting near him.
11:45Sitting in the middle of the road stop normal folk getting to their work.
11:48I'd water can in a lot of them.
11:50We need to respect civil liberties and the democratic right to protest.
11:55On that subject Muldoon, any feedback from Undercover Ops?
11:58Have they turned out to be a bit of a failure and not really worth pursuing at all?
12:02Oh no sir.
12:04Major result there sir.
12:05Undercover have came through big style.
12:08With their intel, we've collared a number of protesters and quashed their attempts to shut down Edinburgh Airport.
12:15Tremendous.
12:17Great news.
12:18Great news.
12:18But you're absolutely sure the info came from Undercover?
12:22Oh yes.
12:22We got a tip off.
12:24And because of that we were able to confiscate the drones they were going to use.
12:27Now we've got them tabled up for media.
12:29The news is lapping it up.
12:31Well, maybe…
12:33Maybe now's the time to shut Undercover down.
12:36Quit while we're ahead.
12:37Go out on a high.
12:38No way sir.
12:39They are just getting started and they're going in deep.
12:42Don't say deep.
12:42Deeper than they've ever gone before.
12:45Undercover is a fruit machine that is going to keep paying out.
12:48Ka-ching, ka-ching, jackpot.
12:51Ka-ching.
12:53Good.
12:53No, no, no, Connie.
12:55Just because the group we targeted were anti-fascist doesn't mean that the Scottish police force are pro-fascist.
13:02You could be anti-Antifa and still not be pro-pro-fa.
13:06So you can guarantee your listeners then that you'll preserve their right to protest?
13:10Absolutely. We are dedicated to protecting citizens' right to protest. And their right to counter protest. And indeed to protect the rights of an overseas leader who cracks down on personal freedoms to move freely, personally within Scotland. Freedom of movement is sacrosite in Caledonia. Hold firm day aside.
13:33Okay, our listeners have had their say. As you would imagine, it's split down the middle. There are some who want the visit banned completely and others who are saying, let's give them the full VIP treatment.
13:43We've had this text in from Senga, who's in Sight Hill, who'd like to point out that the real fascists are BBC Scotland.
13:52Great press for your Edinburgh airport shutdown intervention. This is what we like to see.
13:56Oh, we do.
13:57Oh, and full marks for your methods. It would appear that your Undercover Ops are top of the pops.
14:04So you're happy to keep the Undercover Ops operational?
14:08Well, why would we not?
14:09I'm concerned, Minister. Morally, one man's morals are another man's career advancement opportunity.
14:18Why don't we have a pause on the Undercover Ops? Then you could have an inquiry. You love your inquiries here.
14:24You could have an inquiry, and then you could have an inquiry into that inquiry.
14:28We are both coming out of this very well. The highest office in the land is taking notice.
14:34So it's Undercover all the way.
14:38Good, good. Steve, I can't shut it down.
14:42I know I said I was going to get you out, and I am going to get you out.
14:45But you're not out. Undercover's doing too good a job.
14:48Well, thank you, but what about Ellen? You have my permission to continue fake seeing my daughter.
14:56But as long as there is honor within the deceit, we'll practice safe protesting.
15:01And once the operation's over, then you can finish with her.
15:04Okay, sir. Understood.
15:07But gently. She has abandonment issues with men for some reason.
15:12Here. Is this Car Park Red 3?
15:15Ah, no. I think this is Car Park Red 2. You want one up, son?
15:18Cheers.
15:30Where are you going?
15:30To see Andy.
15:32Andy? How are you two getting on?
15:36I really like him.
15:38I just want you to be careful.
15:40Careful?
15:41It's easy to get swept up in a romance.
15:44Are you policing my love life again?
15:46Love? Is there even such a thing as love?
15:48There's a sort of love I feel for you and, say, Pat Stanton.
15:53And then there's romantic love.
15:55And the brutal truth is that romantic love, it lasts 18 months tops.
16:01Just enough time for you to get the local girl in the village pregnant.
16:04We're just conned into continuing the species.
16:07Dad, Andy makes me happy.
16:10I just don't want you getting hurt.
16:12When you know you're not.
16:13But you don't know. That's my point. Nobody ever knows.
16:17I know.
16:19You don't know?
16:20You don't know.
16:22No.
16:23What have I done?
16:24I've forced my daughter to go out with an undercover cop that she doesn't know is an undercover cop.
16:29All for my own personal gain.
16:31This is a moral nightmare.
16:33It's wrong.
16:34It's so wrong.
16:35Ellen's a real person with real feelings.
16:40You can't chart complicated emotions with wee bits of string.
16:43I do have lots of colors.
16:45No.
16:47No.
16:47I have to put Ellen first.
16:49I'm going to get in touch with Steve and close it down.
16:52I don't care how good the information is or how many arrests it leads to.
16:55Or how pleased the government is or how many medals you might be awarded.
16:58Medals?
17:02You think there might be medals in it for me?
17:05Lord Meekleson of Morningside.
17:09Got a bit of a ring to it.
17:11Good.
17:12No. What am I doing? I'm doing it again.
17:15No.
17:16I have to be the responsible father.
17:18Ellen, she's just fallen in with the bad crowd and I have to deal with it.
17:22Does that not mean we're the bad crowd?
17:26You see, it's a moral maze.
17:28I'm calling it in.
17:32You're through to Andy.
17:33Please don't bother leaving a message on this tracking device of the deep state
17:36as I'm out fighting Nazis.
17:38Namaste.
17:42Lindsay, speaking hypothetically,
17:44say I wanted to get in touch with one of our undercover operatives,
17:47our little Donny Blaskins.
17:49How would I go about that?
17:50That's impossible.
17:51It could compromise an operation.
17:53It goes completely against protocol.
17:55But say I really needed to if it was super imperative that I speak to one of them.
18:02Sorry, Chief.
18:05Ellen, I need to respect your life choices more.
18:09Invite Andy round again for dinner.
18:11We'll have Mum too.
18:12Clean slate.
18:13Let your father get to know the real Andy.
18:19Okay.
18:21That actually means a lot to me, then.
18:27Andy!
18:28Hi.
18:28Come on, let's hug it out, Sarah.
18:31Andy, it's good to see you, Andy.
18:34Have a seat.
18:37Mum, could you please give me a hand in the kitchen?
18:40Yeah, sure.
18:41We are having Andy's favourite, jackfruit and mushroom curry.
18:46Oh, Andy's favourite?
18:49That is everyone's favourite.
18:52Oh, delicious.
18:53Steve.
18:54Steve.
18:56Listen, I have a duty of care to my daughter that's more important than any undercover operation.
19:02And you have to stop seeing Ellen.
19:05I can't do that, sir.
19:07Yes, you can.
19:08You have to.
19:09Forget work.
19:10No, it's not that.
19:12What is it then?
19:13Well, I just...
19:14I really like her.
19:16What?
19:17Yeah, I've fallen for her hard.
19:19No, no, no, you haven't.
19:21Yeah, no, I have.
19:22No, no, no, you haven't.
19:22I have, I have.
19:23No, no, no, you haven't.
19:24I have.
19:24No, you're not understanding me.
19:25You have not fallen for her.
19:26I have.
19:27I've really gotten to know her.
19:28You haven't.
19:28You've known her for about two weeks.
19:30But when you know, you know.
19:32But you don't know.
19:34Ellen, she's fickle.
19:35One week it's Trotsky, the next it's Taylor Swift.
19:38Don't get involved with her.
19:39She doesn't know her arse from her elbow that one.
19:41Whoa, whoa, whoa.
19:42Don't insult my girlfriend.
19:43She's not your girlfriend.
19:46Yeah, but she feels like my girlfriend.
19:48Like, honestly, Chief.
19:49She's so passionate in her beliefs and her smile.
19:52Her smile, Chief.
19:54They wear nose wrinkles.
19:55It's adorable.
19:56For 18 months tops.
19:59And then everything that you find adorable about her
20:01will drive you out your nut.
20:03Like you're chewing her hair when she's watching the television
20:05and leaving her toe clippings on the rim of the bath.
20:08Oh, that's classic, Ellen.
20:10I just, I think we might have a future together.
20:13You do not have a future together.
20:15It could be one of the great love stories,
20:17like Jack and Rose.
20:19He died.
20:20All right, well, get Anna Karenina and Vronsky.
20:23She died.
20:25Romeo and Juliet?
20:26They both died.
20:28Steve, Ellen is going to find out that I've been lying to her.
20:32She's probably going to think this whole thing was my idea.
20:35My daughter will never speak to me again.
20:38And all because of you.
20:40Love will triumph.
20:41Steve, you've lost your mind.
20:44Well, if love is losing your mind, I don't want to be safe.
20:48Okay, Steve.
20:50Gentlemen, dinner's ready.
20:52Oh, Steve's not hungry.
20:53Who's Steve?
20:54Hmm?
20:55Steve?
20:57There's no Steve.
20:58No, are you?
21:00Andy, are you Steve?
21:01No.
21:01No, Steve?
21:02No, Steve.
21:02No, Steve.
21:03No, Andy's not hungry.
21:05He's got one of these wee vegan tummies, you know?
21:09It's about the size of a walnut.
21:19You're never to tell us what you do for a living, Andrew.
21:23That's a good question, yeah.
21:24How do you earn an honest crust, Andy?
21:26I dabble in a bit of this, a bit of that.
21:30Tell him.
21:31Oh, I'm embarrassed.
21:35He has a dream of being an actor.
21:39Oh, an actor, Andy.
21:42Oh, but that's tough work.
21:44Pretending to be someone else all day, working for a director.
21:48A boss that you have to obey.
21:51And he's not that career-minded anyways.
21:54No, I'm beginning to sense that.
21:58A job is a job.
21:58It's a job.
21:59Very true.
22:01Sensei, work to live, don't live to work.
22:05Hmm, others say, do your work right,
22:08or your life won't be worth living.
22:11Well, that was delicious.
22:14Cheese?
22:15Pudding?
22:17Can I get you another carton, Andrew?
22:18Er, no.
22:20We better be going, Andy.
22:22We are meeting some of the others at the Blue Albion for a lock-in.
22:25Oh, best get going, yes.
22:27Those anti-capitalist leaflets and amusing banners.
22:29Well, they won't daub themselves.
22:38Don't you want Ellen to be happy?
22:41Why can't you even consider it?
22:43And what are you doing telling her there's no such thing as love?
22:47What sort of message is that?
22:50He's a decent young man.
22:52You just can't see past his politics or his lifestyle.
22:55Honestly, you're getting worse as you get older.
22:58Reactionary, unforgiving, intolerant, impatient, rude.
23:03He's an undercover cop!
23:06He infiltrated her protest group.
23:10Wow.
23:11Cameron, this is pathetic.
23:16If you don't like him, just own it.
23:18I do like him, but as a policeman!
23:24Don't tell anyone!
23:27Right, troops.
23:28Today's the day.
23:30Undercover have came through big style.
23:32Total dynamite info.
23:34Now, we know a couple of protest groups will be meeting at a warehouse
23:37before travelling to blockade the 8-8 from the airport.
23:41Intel suggests they've got a couple of JCBs, a trailer full of concrete slabs,
23:45and some vats of orange paint with the potential to seriously derail the visit.
23:50Well, it's our job to piss in their chips!
23:56Let's go, go, go!
23:57Come on!
23:58Move it!
23:58We're going to go in fast, in hard!
24:18One minute away, Chief!
24:20Good luck!
24:23Right, you're 30 seconds away.
24:43Right, Chief! Move it! Move it!
24:45Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it!
24:47Move it! Move it! Move it!
24:48Move it! Move it!
24:50That's us in position, Chief.
24:51Let's bring Shite to the room, time.
24:53Go, go, go, go!
25:02Go, go, go!
25:03No!
25:10Shite!
25:13We've been given doff information, Chief.
25:16Steve's been played fake intel.
25:23Minister!
25:25What is going on, Chief Commissioner?
25:27Parliament is besieged.
25:28It's utter mayhem.
25:29Protesters everywhere.
25:30I thought you were detaining them all.
25:32We were fed a false lead, Minister.
25:34Where's Golden Goose?
25:36He's taken refuge in a tartan gift shop on the High Street.
25:39Well, he does love his knickknacks.
25:41This is a disaster.
25:43I am going to recommend to Parliament
25:45that this undercover programme is shut down once and for all.
25:49Good, yes.
25:51Excellent idea.
25:53Wise move, Minister.
26:02So, Andy and I have decided to take a break.
26:09Really?
26:10Yeah.
26:11Turns out he wasn't quite the man I thought he was.
26:15Mm-hmm.
26:17And maybe you aren't quite the woman he thought you were either.
26:21Yeah, maybe.
26:22Oh, when did you work it out?
26:25I suspected he was a blue from the moment I met him.
26:30Ironed jeans.
26:31Come on.
26:32But it was confirmed when I got him to meet you.
26:35Got him to meet me?
26:36Yeah.
26:37I needed to be sure so I invited him for drinks and you blew it big time.
26:42Oh, oh, oh.
26:44Let's shake hands because we were meeting for the first time and that's what normal people do.
26:49Don't ever play poker, Dad.
26:52Solid police work, Mikkelsen.
26:54Sorry.
26:55He was a terrible undercover cop.
27:02Good shag, though.
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