- 1 day ago
The Young Offenders S05E03 Must See
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Short filmTranscript
00:01There was an old wise man who I met in prison.
00:04Well, he couldn't be that wise because he was in prison.
00:06But he warned me that the hardest thing about being locked up
00:08isn't the thought of where you are, it's the thought of where you're not.
00:12It's knowing that life outside is continuing on without you.
00:15And that the girl of your dreams is now the girl of some other prick's dreams.
00:19Linda is getting married to Gavin fucking Madigan.
00:23But, after a lot of soul searching, I decided that I was going to be the bigger man.
00:28For better or worse, she was going to stay completely loyal and faithful to him
00:32for the rest of their entire life.
00:40Easy, mate. Looking good, kid.
00:42We hope it lashes rain on the way to the waiting.
00:44And that the whole place is flooded.
00:46Oh, yeah, well, I see what you're saying.
00:48And then Gavin's driving along and his tire hits a puddle and he aquaplanes.
00:52And he crashes and he's paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life.
00:55And he's to talk using one of those machines.
00:57Oh, I'm Gavin Madigan.
00:59And it's nice to meet you.
01:01Jesus, buddy.
01:03It's a little bit dark, no?
01:05Oh, sorry.
01:05I thought that was the direction we were going.
01:07I hope he doesn't die, like, just gets bruised up a bit.
01:10You can draw the suits on.
01:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:12Oh, look at you. Don't you look lovely?
01:19Oh, I need a hook.
01:21Oh, what's this?
01:23Oh, Connor, for God's sake.
01:25They must have forgotten to take the tag off in the shop.
01:28We boarded him.
01:29You're on probation.
01:30Do you want to go back to jail?
01:31No.
01:34What do we do?
01:35Go on, get the good scissors quickly.
01:36There I go.
01:42Do you think it's a good idea you go into this wedding today?
01:45Linda invited me, like, so...
01:46Look, hon, I know this is hard to hear, but...
01:49You will find your someone.
01:51Or if I've already found my someone, but I'm not her someone.
02:00What's this, stolen goods?
02:01Jesus Christ, Tony, can you not be a guard for one day in your life?
02:04Mom and Healy were in that phase of their relationship all couples go through.
02:08Oh, I'll just go and see to know the soul, eh?
02:09The hating each other phase.
02:11Do you know what?
02:11That would be lovely.
02:12Because he probably wouldn't even recognise you at the moment.
02:15Healy was working a lot of triple overtime to pay for nappies and nipple cream.
02:18Alright, I'll just turn a blind eye to whatever it is I'm supposed to be turning a blind eye to.
02:22So will I?
02:23Jesus Christ.
02:24But deep down, love was still in the air.
02:27Wanker.
02:29Try that.
02:33Great.
02:34Thanks, late's bag.
02:35No, no, no.
02:36Claire, it's not a second.
02:39What? What?
02:40Nothing.
02:48Is it noticeable?
02:49Eh, you'd have to be really looking for it.
02:52Yeah, they're after leaving the security tag on the blazer.
02:55For God's sake, they're after doing the same to mine, Jock.
02:58There's something else now.
03:00Hand it over, Jock.
03:01Thanks for being in my head, Jock.
03:03Here, I've got to head over to Siobhan's there.
03:05I want to see Starr in the flower girl costume.
03:08Is this one of your unsupervised access days?
03:10Eh, no, but something tells me Siobhan won't be ringing her solicitor today.
03:15Well, you know what they say about weddings.
03:18No.
03:19What do they make women horny like?
03:22They do nothing for me.
03:23Oh, fierce horny, Mireille.
03:25Yeah.
03:26If I'm going to get back with Siobhan, this is my big chance.
03:28So wish me luck, yeah?
03:30Right, Jock.
03:30Go ahead.
03:31Good luck.
03:31Thanks.
03:32It's a randy day.
03:51Morning, girl.
03:53Dad, you take me in the train to cry.
03:55You're gonna be in the train.
03:57Warning.
03:58Shit.
03:59You need to go, now.
04:02Control room.
04:02I have a, I have.
04:05I'm just, uh...
04:05Let's go.
04:07You can't go down there.
04:08You have to go to the window.
04:09The window?
04:10Yeah.
04:11Are you having a hat?
04:13Linda, what's wrong?
04:14I'm going.
04:16Okay, I'm going.
04:18Just go.
04:20I'm fucking.
04:21I'm fucking.
04:26Handsome Darn, the painter man.
04:28Yeah, boy, I'm telling you.
04:29Are you sure?
04:30What do you mean, boy?
04:31Should I know, I know his arse as well as I know my own face?
04:35Handsome once posed for an ad for hemorrhoid cream.
04:37The billboard company went bust.
04:38Which meant the poster stayed up for three years and became one of Cork's biggest tourist attractions.
04:44Fair play to her, Lee.
04:46What are you on about, Cork?
04:46His name is Handsome Darn, Jack.
04:49He's gorgeous.
04:50Why, you're not getting what I'm telling you.
04:52If she's shagging Handsome Darn the night before her wedding, it means she obviously doesn't want to marry Gavin Madigan.
04:57It's a proxy ride.
04:59A proxy ride?
05:00A proxy ride.
05:02Okay?
05:03Yeah, sure.
05:03She might have gotten up and down.
05:05But she was thinking about you by the whole time.
05:07Really?
05:08Sure.
05:11She's thinking about me.
05:12Yes, you, boy.
05:13She's still in love with you.
05:15This was going to be my last chance to win Linda back.
05:18And what's more of a romantic place to do it than a wedding.
05:21Her wedding.
05:22Half a sausage just to left your fork there, aren't I?
05:25Right, this sausage is going to sort me out now.
05:29She's sick of it.
05:29I'm done.
05:30Bart, take it away from me.
05:33Why'd you have that?
05:35It's to take her Auntie Linda into her dress.
05:37Don't want her tits spilling over when she's saying her I do's.
05:39Okay, girls, 40 minutes and we head to the church yet?
05:42We're not going to the church, remember?
05:44You know what I mean.
05:45It's a great idea Gavin's to have the wedding in the place where you two first met.
05:48He's too tight to spend his own money is what he's saying.
05:51Well, I think it's mad romantic.
05:52Let's try and get him even.
05:55I don't want one for my, the other one in Charlie Levole.
06:00I don't want one for my, the other one in Charlie Levole.
06:04How you into him?
06:19You all right there, lads, yeah?
06:21I don't know, I have a question for you.
06:24Connor has a question.
06:26Your name?
06:27Yeah, Connor has a...
06:28I just want to ask, did you have sex with Linda Walsh last night at the head?
06:32Yeah.
06:32Come on now, lads.
06:33Know yourselves, a gentleman never tells.
06:36Yeah, but if you did sleep with her, I just want you to know she was probably thinking of someone
06:40else the whole time.
06:41Yeah.
06:41Now that you say it, she actually did keep shouting out some other lads name the whole night.
06:46Well, you should have heard her.
06:48She was all...
06:49Oh!
06:50Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:52Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:56Look, whatever happened between you and Linda, all right?
06:58She didn't love her kind, all right?
07:00And now she's going to marry some other fella.
07:02All right, cool.
07:03So what's with me, like?
07:04We want you to come to the wedding and tell Gavin Madigan that you slept with Linda.
07:08What, and humiliate her?
07:09Yeah, yeah.
07:09It's one of all of her friends and family?
07:11Yeah, if you don't mind.
07:13Do we, we should be ashamed of yourselves?
07:14Yeah.
07:15The answer's no.
07:16Get lost.
07:18I hate to admit it, but maybe Hanson was right.
07:22He was more than just a six pack and a cute animal.
07:24He was more than just a six pack and a cute animal.
07:25Can all wedding guests please be seated in the Assembly Hall?
07:29I've been getting married at school.
07:32Cheapest thing I've ever heard in my life.
07:33It's all Garvin Madigan.
07:36It was time to bow out grace for you.
07:41So the better man won in the end, huh?
07:43It's not a competition, Lee.
07:44Of course it was a competition.
07:45And I wiped your eye for you.
07:49A wedding doesn't count if it's in a school.
07:52I think that's actually true, you know?
07:53Would you look at the state of them?
07:58Would you stop being such a snob?
08:00It's amazing what you can find in a charity shop if you're not fussy.
08:05One sec.
08:05One sec.
08:08Or I'll...
08:10Like you're right.
08:13Siobhan would like you to sit next to her for the mass.
08:16Really?
08:17What about...
08:18Don't mind what Barry thinks.
08:20As Linda said, you're the star's daddy.
08:23Which makes you friendly.
08:25Yeah.
08:26Ah, thanks.
08:27Man, right con?
08:29A smile wouldn't kill you.
08:32Horny did.
08:39The rumour is this could be Father Rooney's last mass.
08:43Supposed to be going through a crisis of faith.
08:46Yeah.
08:47Everything alright, Linda?
08:48Yeah.
08:49You're not thinking of jilting him at the altar, are you?
08:52It's just, you know, the reception's after costing me a fortune.
08:54Dad!
08:55It was a joke.
08:59He's a good man, Linda. Solid, you know?
09:03And the best thing about marrying a teacher, as your mother knows well,
09:06you can't be sacked.
09:08No matter how bad you are at your job.
09:11You know the way you love them spring rolls from the paddy field above the bishops town?
09:14Yeah.
09:15Well, there's nothing wrong with not wanting those spring rolls every night for the rest of your life.
09:19What?
09:20You've lost us.
09:21Last night, you fancied the spring rolls from Walk This Way in Tokar.
09:26And there's no shame in that.
09:28I'm gonna be sick.
09:30I'm gonna get sick.
09:36Siobhan!
09:37The caterer said the money is non-refundable.
09:39Piss off, guys!
09:41I'm good.
09:43I'm good.
09:44I'm fine.
09:46I'm fine.
09:47I'm fine.
09:47I'm fine.
09:48I'm fine.
09:49Oi.
09:50Try to control yourself from her saying the vows.
09:53The last thing we need on video is to sound you blubbing your eyes out.
09:57Billy thinks weddings are like funerals.
09:58You can just turn up, pay your respects, and get free booze and sandwiches.
10:05Billy!
10:05Why do you let him talk to you like that?
10:08I'm not letting him.
10:09It's his day, alright?
10:11Like he said, he won.
10:13Won?
10:13Is that what this is all about?
10:15Winning?
10:16I thought it was about love.
10:17Do you still love her?
10:19Of course I love her.
10:20And she doesn't love him.
10:23Well, she slept with Hanson Dan Fogarty at the Henn last night.
10:27She did what?
10:29Look, as much as I love a good Valavan, I think we're gonna have to cancel this wedding.
10:34And how do you suppose we do that, Billy?
10:36We suppose we could drag Hanson Dan in here and he can confess in front of the whole congregation.
10:41I tried that. He said no. I asked.
10:43That's your big mistake. You asked him.
10:47Are you okay?
10:48No, Billy.
10:49I'm really sad.
10:50Okay.
10:53God, he is so intense.
10:55Just don't want to hurt Hanson's feelings.
10:57That's the worst reason to get married.
11:00Especially when it's stopping you from getting what your heart really wants.
11:03He's a good person, Siobhan.
11:04If he's a good person, he'll understand that you want to go back to your first love.
11:10You heard what that said. Everything's paid for now.
11:14Sir, you ready to be a flower girl?
11:17Yay!
11:27Hiya.
11:29Sir, you ready to be a flower girl?
11:31Oh, yes.
11:32It would have been on time if you hadn't stopped at every orange light.
11:35Ah, I'm trying. We're here before the bride.
11:37Oh, yeah.
11:37No thanks to you.
11:39I can't believe you got overtaken by a mobility scooter.
11:42Could you maybe stop him crying?
11:44Oh, would I switch him to flight mode will I?
11:45Just take him outside.
11:46Oh, maybe you should take him outside.
11:48Oh, Jesus.
11:58In you, Pop.
12:00Please, why me?
12:01Look, I'm not going to hurt you.
12:03Fingers crossed.
12:04I'm just going to bring you to this wedding
12:06and you're going to tell everyone how you rode the bride last night.
12:10All right, just mind my ass going in. It's the money maker, all right?
12:13You're not claustrophobic, yeah?
12:15No.
12:15No.
12:16You might be after this.
12:20Do you notice they all have the same tash?
12:23Yeah.
12:24They're like the three musketeers.
12:26Except there's four and the noise coming.
12:31Can we have a quick chat?
12:33A quick chat?
12:35A couple of words?
12:38Somewhere in private.
12:45No.
12:45No.
12:51Listen.
12:55I want to say I'm sorry.
12:58For being such an asshole to you just now.
13:01Is this some sort of joke, like?
13:03I was standing on the altar and it dawned on me that.
13:07I should be thanking you.
13:09For what?
13:11Because you'll be something I'll never be.
13:14It's Linda's first love.
13:17And you know, she said to me,
13:19she wouldn't have fell in love with me
13:21if you didn't teach her to love in the first place.
13:24Linda.
13:25Linda said that?
13:27Would you do me a favour?
13:31Would you do the readings for us?
13:35I know we mean a lot to Linda.
13:38Oh.
13:41Garveen.
13:43The whole thing.
13:46For the second time that day,
13:47I realised that humiliating Linda in front of our family and friends
13:51might not be the right thing to do.
13:53Billy.
13:54I changed my mind.
13:58Careful now, we don't want to hurt you.
14:00Oh, here we go.
14:03I'll tell you something.
14:04You're going to get your steps in today.
14:06Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
14:17That's a really long car.
14:22What's that about?
14:23It's great.
14:25She's here.
14:28Where'd you go?
14:29It's going to be okay.
14:30Yeah.
14:34Oh, Jesus Christ.
14:45And remember, the least any of us deserve is to be happy.
14:48Thanks, Ron.
14:53Come on.
14:54Come on.
15:04Are they going to do Community Letty's?
15:07No.
15:08Wait.
15:08Wait.
15:10I'll greet you.
15:13I'll greet you.
15:17Oh, this is so great.
15:24Are you okay?
15:27I'm so happy?
15:38I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
15:50No.
15:54No.
15:55I'm sorry.
15:56Bye.
15:57I know you're not used to me giving you advice, but you've found your awesome one.
16:04I don't want you to mess it up.
16:06I did.
16:10You should go get him.
16:13Not now.
16:15Go after him.
16:18We're gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Gavin Madigan and Linda Walsh.
16:25Yeah, first reading.
16:27Who is for the first reading?
16:31First reading. Thank you.
16:34Connor.
16:35Is it Connor? Are we Connor?
16:37Are you the first reading?
16:39We're the first reading.
16:40Yeah.
16:41And then...
16:42Go on.
16:43What's this?
16:45Go on.
16:45Yeah.
16:48Okay.
16:50What's it?
16:51Yeah.
16:55Sorry, I'm not going to read the whole thing.
16:59Okay.
17:01Hey, Linda said you have a mickey on your leg.
17:04You're barking at Rolos.
17:10And can you please get a move on? I'm playing golf at three.
17:13Public speaking isn't my strong point.
17:15But I was going to nail this.
17:17For Linda.
17:18The first reading.
17:20A reading from a book of...
17:23Sorry.
17:24The book.
17:24What's wrong with you?
17:26Come on, Guy.
17:26You can't read, is it?
17:27I can read.
17:28I'm just a bit dyslexic.
17:29Or just make it up and say anything.
17:34Do I speak with the tongues of men and of angels?
17:40Angels.
17:41Oh, eh.
17:42Eh.
17:43Eh.
17:45Eh.
17:46Eh.
17:52Eh.
17:55Is a resounding gong all right?
18:04Gavin.
18:05What?
18:07Linda, I'm sorry.
18:08I wanted to be happy for Linda.
18:10But I can get hormonal at weddings.
18:12And I have the tendency to mess with a decision making process.
18:15But fuck it!
18:16Back to the old plan.
18:18Now there's gonna be an answer from you.
18:20For me fucking...
18:22Oh, hello.
18:24Connor!
18:25Billy, I changed my mind again.
18:28Okay, Operation Handsome Hand Grenade is a go-go!
18:33Every other hour that I spend with you is not the beast, it's sad.
18:38Why is the opposite in that opinion?
18:40You don't believe me, here's the proof.
18:42Ask me if I can, and they'll say I do.
18:45Dan, Dan, Dan.
18:47Change your plan.
18:49Mind your head.
18:51And now, before Gavin and Linda make their solemn commitment to each other,
18:55they've written their own vows, which they're now going to recite to each other.
19:00The mind of my phone.
19:01Brilliant.
19:04Shit.
19:05What?
19:06I was asking for a software update.
19:08I'm after saying yes.
19:09Why didn't you just print them out?
19:11I don't know.
19:12You're the one always saying we're living in a paperless world.
19:15Do you not like, I don't know, remember them?
19:19Three guesses as to who's singing this.
19:22I don't know.
19:23No.
19:24Your ma.
19:24No.
19:26Go on, have another guess.
19:27Is it Daniel actually?
19:28Gilbert O'Sullivan.
19:30He's actually from Waterford.
19:32What could it be?
19:34Woo!
19:35That's matrimony.
19:39It won't take long.
19:41Look, it's initialising.
19:46Where's Gilly?
19:50Look at this prick with ears.
19:52There's nobody on the road.
19:56Look, come here.
19:58I've got somewhere I've got to be.
20:00Chop, chop.
20:00All right, lad.
20:01I'm only messing with you.
20:02Go on.
20:03Go ahead.
20:03In your own time.
20:09I'm sorry about this.
20:11It took me hours to ride him.
20:13And there's a little bit of something in there for everyone.
20:16Cries.
20:17Laughters.
20:18Zero car chases, sir.
20:20Well, we're all on tender hooks, I'm sure.
20:23It's 80%.
20:24You'll be cutting the cake when we get there.
20:26Shut up, you!
20:29Steve McQueen.
20:31All right.
20:32Tell your car precisely to know.
20:35What's happening, Shakespeare?
20:37It's the Wheel of Death.
20:38I think it's frozen.
20:40We're going to leave the vows.
20:42Well, that's ruined everyone's day, I'm sure.
20:44Right, let's zip through this.
20:46Right, Gavin, Jimmy, Barry, Madigan, do you take Linda Anastasia Walsh to be your lawfully
20:51wedded wife, sickness and health, up and down, death to be apart?
20:54I do.
20:54Great.
20:54Linda, do you take Gavin, lawfully wedded husband, sickness and health, rest your days?
20:59I...
21:03Uh, I...
21:05So, yes.
21:07What did you grab this date?
21:10I don't know who's my face.
21:12When I saw Linda's face, I realised the desperate lengths that love had driven me to.
21:17Oh, mother of God, who's this now?
21:20It's Dan Fogarty.
21:23He's a good-looking fella, isn't he?
21:25Yeah.
21:25Yeah, and he's got something to tell you.
21:28Wait, wait, wait, wait.
21:32Dan, you can go home.
21:34Yeah.
21:34But I brought him for you, con.
21:36Are you the fella from the poster?
21:37What is he doing here?
21:39He had sex with the bride last night.
21:42He what?
21:43Fuck.
21:45No, he didn't.
21:47Sure, how could he?
21:48He was with me all night.
21:51Oh, my God.
21:52Playing cards, like, here.
21:54You don't have to lie for me, con.
21:56Kevin, I'm so sorry, Kevin.
21:59Was it the full ride?
22:01Because I'm over the brach and I can forgive.
22:03I don't want your forgiveness.
22:06I don't want to marry you.
22:12I thought I did, but then I realised I wasn't being true to myself.
22:16What I want more than anything in this whole world
22:19is to be with my first true love.
22:24You're not talking about that fucking lang ball, are you?
22:28Dolphins.
22:30Dolphins?
22:31Yeah.
22:32I want to go to UCC and study marine science.
22:35How are you going to say me there, Linda?
22:37Then I'm going to work with an NGO and clairs all the plastic from the Pacific Ocean.
22:41You really thought you were going to say me?
22:42I'm sorry.
22:44To both of you.
22:46But you're holding me back.
22:49Did anyone else think she was going to say me?
22:51Ah, right.
22:52Well, I'm teeing off at 3.30.
22:53Good luck.
22:56Sorry.
23:00Well,
23:03it's the software update finished.
23:05You shouldn't even worry about the nice things they had to say,
23:08because
23:09it's
23:09to be wasted on someone like you.
23:13They were all wrote by ChatGPT anyway.
23:31Look, I know you've been working really hard.
23:33Yeah, to provide for our child's future.
23:35I know, but I'm saying you don't have to.
23:37I've already raised a son.
23:38I did it by myself without a penny to my name.
23:40He turned out all right, didn't he?
23:42Yes, at the one who's just done three years in prison.
23:45That's a fair point.
23:48All I'm saying is,
23:49what kind of future is our little boy going to have
23:51if his mother and father are strangers to each other?
23:55Yeah, I suppose it is a bit early
23:56to start thinking about which college to send him to.
24:01Keep him alive,
24:02show him love,
24:03that's the job.
24:04Everything else you just make up as you go along.
24:14Are we going to this wedding, then?
24:16Oh, the wedding's off.
24:18It's off?
24:19Long story.
24:22Maybe you and me could go home while he's asleep.
24:27This is true what they say about weddings?
24:40This is your fucking fault.
24:41Oh, yeah?
24:42Who's my fault?
24:43You're the one that told Billy
24:44to bring an answer to the church.
24:45To the church?
24:45Boy, that's hardly a church.
24:46You were too stingy to have fought real with.
24:49Ah, she was out of your league anyway.
24:51I love you, Linda.
24:52I love you more.
24:58Out of his league, is it?
24:59Well, it's true.
25:00Hasn't he got a good job
25:01and isn't a permanent and pensionable?
25:03We pay for half for this wedding, all right?
25:04Oh, and you can sing for us.
25:06Claddle him back.
25:08Oh, what?
25:09Claddle him back.
25:09Being married to a school teacher
25:11isn't the end of everyone's rainbow, you know?
25:13And neither has being married to a slapper.
25:17You're never going to get married again, boy.
25:18Well, you're married to my son.
25:19Yeah, is that right?
25:20Yeah?
25:20What?
25:21What?
25:22What?
25:23What?
25:25What?
25:26What?
25:26What?
25:28What?
25:29What?
25:30What?
25:32What?
25:33What?
25:34What?
25:38What?
25:56What?
26:18In the end, no one got what they wanted, except for Linda, and she won.
26:24The day didn't turn out the way any of us imagined it would.
26:27Except Jock was right what he said.
26:30Weddings really do make women horny.
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