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Have I Got News for You - Season 4 (US) - Episode 04: Aaron Parnas, Scott Thompson
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00:04Music
00:06Music
00:08Music
00:08Music
00:08Music
00:36Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
00:38I am Roy Wood Jr.
00:39in the news this week.
00:43House Speaker reacts to shirtless Jacob Lordi
00:46in Wuthering Heights.
00:47I think that that should give all of us
00:51cause to pause and think,
00:53hmm, I wonder what this is about.
00:55Substitute teacher sees right through your little antics.
00:58I see we switched up our seating chart.
01:00CDC releases new vaccine guidelines.
01:02I'm not scared of a germ.
01:04You know, I used to snort cocaine off the toilet seats.
01:08On Emerson tonight, he's a journalist.
01:10And this year, he was chosen as one of Forbes' 30 Under 30,
01:13so I'm hoping he can put in a good word for me
01:15for Forbes 40 Over 40.
01:17It's Aaron Parnas.
01:19Woo!
01:22And joining Michael,
01:24he is a legendary Canadian actor and comedian
01:27who is a co-founder and star of Kids in the Hall,
01:30and we were charged a 6% tariff just to bring him here.
01:34Scott Thompson, everybody.
01:36Woo!
01:39Now, for the biggest stories of the week,
01:42Amber, Erin,
01:43please watch the clip
01:45and tell me what is this story.
01:48This is Pam Bondi
01:50testifying about Epstein,
01:53and she talked and talked and talked
01:55and didn't say shit.
01:58The story is Pam Bondi
02:00in Trump's Department of Justice.
02:01The DOJ has America saying WTF,
02:04and it all starts
02:04with a certain PDF file
02:06full of PDF files.
02:10On Wednesday,
02:11Attorney General Pam Bondi
02:12appeared before the House Judiciary Committee
02:14to answer questions
02:15about her handling
02:17of the Epstein files,
02:18and Bondi
02:20was nothing
02:21but a professional.
02:23No, I'm going to answer the question
02:24the way I want to answer the question.
02:26No, you're going to answer the question
02:27the way I asked it.
02:28Chairman Jordan,
02:29I'm not going to get in the gutter
02:30with these people.
02:31You don't tell me anything.
02:32Oh, I did tell you
02:33because we saw what you did
02:34in the Senate.
02:35You're a lawyer.
02:35Not even a lawyer.
02:36I'm talking.
02:37I'm talking.
02:37If they're not privileged.
02:39Quiet.
02:39Don't yell at me.
02:40Didn't ask Merrick Garland
02:41anything about Epstein.
02:42Not once.
02:43When he was...
02:44Weak sauce.
02:45Weak sauce.
02:45And also...
02:46You got to give Pam Bondi this.
02:48She's good at spinning some shit.
02:51What?
02:51You don't get that good overnight.
02:53That's hours of, like,
02:54complaining at McDonald's
02:56and Home Depot.
02:57What I really love
02:58is this one woman's facial expression.
02:59Just says it all.
03:02Why was Pam Bondi
03:04in front of the Judiciary Committee
03:06in the first place?
03:07Because the DOJ
03:08wouldn't release the Epstein files
03:09the way they should have.
03:11Redaction, redaction, redaction.
03:12That's all you got.
03:13Yeah, Congress was granted access
03:15to unredacted versions
03:17of the Epstein files
03:18for the first time,
03:19but they hit some roadblocks.
03:22Question.
03:23What's been standing in the way
03:24of Congress
03:25gaining full unredacted access
03:28to the Epstein files?
03:30First of all,
03:30the Department of Justice,
03:32and if you want to see them
03:32as a congressperson,
03:33they've got four computers.
03:35Four computers.
03:36There's four computers,
03:38so it would take many months
03:41to actually have the time.
03:44You know,
03:44I only had a few hours.
03:45I think the transparency argument
03:48is really kind of a sham
03:49because it's not really possible.
03:50Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
03:51Did you have to wait
03:51to get a computer?
03:52It is not possible.
03:54Four computers.
03:56Like the library, bitch.
03:58Like, you just...
03:59My library has more
04:01than four computers.
04:02I gotta be honest.
04:03Turns out,
04:04Congress can only look
04:05at the files between 9 a.m.
04:07to 6 p.m. on weekdays,
04:09and they have to give the DOJ
04:1024 hours notice
04:11before they look at them,
04:12and only members of Congress
04:14are allowed to look at the files
04:16and log in and read them.
04:17What is the average age
04:18of a member of Congress?
04:19It's like 87, 88,
04:21something like that.
04:22They don't know
04:23how to use computers.
04:25What is the one thing
04:26that's making matters
04:27even worse
04:28once they've accessed the files?
04:30Is it that they're
04:30scratching sniff?
04:33It's because the DOJ
04:34is tracking
04:35which members of Congress
04:37looked at the files,
04:38and they're tracking
04:39which files they looked at.
04:41We have learned
04:42from this photo
04:43that the searches
04:45that members of Congress
04:46are performing
04:46are apparently being tracked
04:48and then read by
04:50the Department of Justice,
04:52by the Attorney General.
04:53If you look at the photo
04:54from inside Bundy's binder,
04:56you can see she literally
04:57has the list of everything
04:59that Representative Jayapal
05:00searched for.
05:01One congressperson
05:02even clocked
05:03what she was doing
05:04as it happened.
05:06I'd like to see you
05:07flip to the Jared Moskowitz
05:08section of the binder.
05:10I'm interested to see
05:11what staff provided
05:12on the oppo on me,
05:13and because we're
05:14in the Olympics,
05:15I'm going to give it a grade.
05:16I just want to see
05:17how good it is.
05:19So give me your best one.
05:20So first of all,
05:21nothing is funny
05:22about mocking the Bible
05:24and holding up
05:25a Trump Bible.
05:26That's what you did.
05:27You made a joke
05:28and I find offense for that.
05:29That's all I have to say to you.
05:30I want it from the Birnberg.
05:31Shame.
05:31I want it from the Birnberg,
05:32which is the best one.
05:33What you got?
05:38Maryland Rep.
05:39Jimmy Raskin
05:40didn't think
05:40there was anything fun
05:42about Pam's peaking, though.
05:44It is a violation
05:44of the separation of powers
05:46for them
05:46to essentially be monitoring
05:48our computer searches
05:50on the Epstein file.
05:52So I think it's outrageous
05:54that they would do that,
05:56and it's Orwellian,
05:57and we're going to have
05:59some more to say
06:00about it soon.
06:00I mean, Mike Johnson
06:01and his son
06:02monitor each other's
06:04porn usage,
06:04so this seems fine.
06:07Bondi continued to blow up
06:09throughout her testimony,
06:10and what was the most
06:11damning moment
06:12for A.G. Bondi
06:13during this hearing?
06:15When she was finally honest
06:16and was like,
06:17look, I love to protect pedophiles.
06:21It's what I was hired to do,
06:23and I'm going to do it,
06:24and I'm going to fight
06:25anyone who says I can't.
06:28Do you remember that part?
06:31I do.
06:33I must admit,
06:34I was flipping between
06:34that and the Olympics,
06:35so I must have missed it.
06:36There was a moment
06:37where all the survivors,
06:38about a dozen of them,
06:39stood up, right,
06:40and they all looked
06:41at Pam Bondi,
06:42and Pam Bondi
06:42didn't look at them once.
06:44That moment right there,
06:45I think ends her tenure
06:47as attorney general.
06:50Points for Aaron.
06:53Why would anyone
06:54ever expect Pam Bondi
06:56to make a stand
06:57against assault?
06:58She made a big show
07:00right at the beginning
07:00of the administration.
07:01We're going to get out
07:02these files,
07:03and she gave them
07:04to a bunch of
07:05right-wing influencers,
07:06and she was making
07:07a whole big deal of it.
07:08The reason why
07:09it's so shocking
07:10that Pam Bondi
07:11is against defending
07:12victims of assault
07:13is because she said
07:15she would in 2014
07:17during this campaign act.
07:19Florida ranks third
07:21nationally in calls
07:22for help for human trafficking,
07:24where young women
07:25and children
07:26are enslaved and abused.
07:28I'll fight to put
07:29human trafficking monsters
07:31where they belong
07:32behind bars.
07:34Pam Bondi,
07:35our attorney general.
07:37That's our attorney general,
07:39you're booing.
07:41Boo!
07:42Boo!
07:42Boo!
07:42Boo!
07:43Boo!
07:44Boo!
07:44Boo!
07:45Boo!
07:45I'll put human traffickers
07:47behind bars.
07:48By bars,
07:49I mean little black bars
07:51on sheets of paper.
07:53Bars are slimming.
07:55They are.
07:55Yes.
07:56That's what they told me
07:57when they put me in jail
07:58the first time.
07:59Yeah.
08:00Here's Pam saying
08:01what we should be
08:02talking about instead.
08:03The Dow is over $50,000.
08:06I don't know why
08:06you're laughing.
08:07You're a great stock trader,
08:08as I hear, Raskin.
08:09The Dow is over $50,000
08:12right now.
08:14The S&P at almost $7,000.
08:17And the NASDAQ smashing records.
08:20Americans' 401ks
08:22and retirement savings
08:23are booming.
08:25That's what we should be
08:27talking about.
08:28What does a Dow have to do
08:29with anything?
08:29That's what they just asked.
08:31Are you kidding?
08:32The stock market's at $50,000.
08:35The market did fall
08:37below $50,000
08:38after she finished testifying.
08:41You were at that hearing, right?
08:42I was right outside.
08:43They didn't let me in.
08:44Did you speak to the survivors?
08:46Yeah.
08:47And what can you share
08:48about what they said
08:49after the hearing?
08:50They're horrified, right?
08:51They're horrified.
08:52It's not just Pam Bondi.
08:54It's been five administrations.
08:55It's been several
08:57departments of justice.
08:58They just want justice.
08:59And instead,
09:00they get their own
09:01witness statements
09:02that they told the FBI
09:03and it's all blacked out.
09:04They can't even see
09:05their own documents.
09:06Wow.
09:06Right?
09:07So they're horrified.
09:09Bondi wasn't the only
09:10Trump administration official
09:12to testify about Epstein
09:13this week.
09:14Commerce Secretary
09:16Howard Lutnick
09:17answered questions
09:18about his relationship
09:19with the apex pedophile
09:21before a congressional
09:22committee this week.
09:23What did Howard have to say
09:25about his association
09:26with Epstein?
09:28That it was nothing.
09:31Why are you even talking
09:32about it?
09:33Barely, barely knows the guy.
09:35Yes, they spent
09:37a lot of time together.
09:39Here's Lutnick.
09:40I did have lunch with him
09:42as I was on a boat
09:43going across
09:44on a family vacation.
09:46My wife was with me,
09:48as were my four children
09:50and nannies.
09:51I had another couple
09:53with...
09:54They were there as well
09:55with their children.
09:56and we had lunch
09:58on the island.
09:59That is true.
10:00For an hour
10:01and we left
10:02with all of my children.
10:05He knows how bad it is
10:07because he felt the need
10:08to say that he left
10:10with his children.
10:12If I...
10:14If I go to a friend's house
10:16for lunch with my kids
10:18and I'm telling somebody
10:19about it,
10:19I then don't say...
10:20And my children left too.
10:22Who's actually facing
10:24consequences
10:25for their connections
10:26to Epstein
10:27and being in the files?
10:29The royal formerly known
10:30as Prince.
10:31That's one of them.
10:31Oh, that's true.
10:32When you say Prince,
10:33you got to put Andrew
10:33right behind that immediately.
10:35Right, right.
10:36The black people know.
10:37You don't just...
10:39You don't just go
10:40formally known as Prince.
10:41You're like, no!
10:44There's a bunch of Brits,
10:45I feel like,
10:46who are in a lot of trouble.
10:47Oh, you got the ambassador,
10:49Mendelssohn.
10:49You got the sultan
10:50from Dubai
10:51who has just resigned today.
10:52Wait, sultans can resign?
10:54Well, I think his first name's Sultan.
10:56Oh, okay.
10:58That's right, baby.
10:59Get up.
11:03And then there's Elon Musk.
11:06Who's Elon Musk
11:07been coming for this week?
11:09It's Steve Bannon.
11:09That sounds so right, Aaron.
11:11I want to trade teammates.
11:13Yeah.
11:15It is Steve Bannon.
11:17Despite being mentioned
11:19in the files himself,
11:20Elon's been tweeting
11:21about human mucinect blob,
11:23Steve Bannon.
11:24Bannon's all over the files.
11:26He and Jeffrey Epstein
11:28have a selfie together.
11:29And in 2019,
11:30the same year Epstein
11:32went to jail
11:32for the last time,
11:34Bannon texted Epstein
11:35an offer
11:36to rebuild his image
11:38by producing a documentary
11:40about what a great
11:41philanthropist he is.
11:44Yes.
11:44The name of that documentary?
11:46Melania.
11:50Pam Bondi might not be interested
11:52in what Epstein's victims
11:53have to say,
11:54but some of those victims
11:55sat down with NBC News
11:58just after the hearing.
11:59So there's the crimes
12:00of Jeffrey Epstein,
12:01and then there's the crimes
12:02of the cover-up.
12:04And she's part of
12:05that continuing cover-up.
12:07So she didn't apologize
12:08for that.
12:08So like,
12:09oh, the theater.
12:10And I'm like,
12:10yes,
12:11you're the main character
12:12in this.
12:13The circus act.
12:14Yes.
12:15She was a comedian
12:16today.
12:17Yes.
12:17Everyone was laughing at her.
12:18Do you believe
12:19they did the best they could?
12:24Do they not know
12:25the Dow is at $50,000?
12:28Michael and Scott,
12:29watch the clip.
12:30Tell me,
12:30what's the story?
12:31All right.
12:32Bitcoin,
12:33so that's fake money
12:34and fake people.
12:36And that's a flag
12:38of a...
12:38Puerto Rico?
12:39No, I don't think so,
12:40but good guess.
12:41Is that the flag
12:41of Puerto Rico?
12:42No.
12:42Oh, that's Trump's tie.
12:43Yes.
12:44Okay.
12:44So we've got...
12:45Is Bitcoin the same
12:46as Doge?
12:48I don't know much
12:49about finance.
12:51Right.
12:51Yeah.
12:52Or apparently anything.
12:53Not really.
12:55This has something
12:56to do with Trump's...
12:57AI.
12:58It's AI.
12:58All right.
12:59We're going to go
12:59with AI.
13:01The story is
13:02Trump got elected
13:03a second time,
13:04looked around
13:04at all the people
13:05who wanted something
13:05from him,
13:06and he hit him
13:06with that famous line
13:07from Jerry Maguire.
13:08I didn't shoplift
13:11the poody.
13:16Supposed to be
13:16show me the money.
13:19According to
13:20the New York Times,
13:22Donald Trump has made
13:23$1,408,500,000
13:26off of this presidency.
13:30Question.
13:31What has been
13:32Trump's biggest
13:34moneymaker
13:35since he became
13:36president?
13:37Well, it's not
13:38the Melania movie.
13:39Nope.
13:40Is it his Bitcoin?
13:42Yeah.
13:43It's his crypto.
13:44What is that?
13:45Instead of real dollars
13:47that are in your pocket,
13:49Bitcoin is imaginary money.
13:51It's on the Internet.
13:53You can't really spend it
13:54at a lot of places,
13:55nor does it do
13:56a lot of stuff,
13:57but it is real.
14:01I mean,
14:02it's all just a bunch
14:03of gold bars
14:04somewhere, right?
14:04Are we getting
14:05into a conversation
14:06about financial
14:07architecture right now?
14:08Yes.
14:10In Sumerian times,
14:11people...
14:12No.
14:14So,
14:14according to
14:14the New York Times
14:15since taking office,
14:16the Trumps have made
14:17at least $867 million
14:20through various
14:22cryptocurrencies.
14:23In 2024,
14:25while Trump
14:25was between
14:27presidencies
14:27and on trial
14:28for all the crimes
14:29and all of that stuff,
14:30a lot of banks
14:31didn't want to do
14:32business with the Trumps.
14:33So Don Jr. and Eric
14:35went around
14:35to all the banks
14:36and they started
14:37a company called
14:38World Liberty Financial.
14:40They did that
14:41with a friend of theirs,
14:42Zach Woodcoff,
14:43and that's Zach
14:44seen here
14:45celebrating
14:45Black History Month.
14:48And Eric and Don Jr.
14:50basically formed
14:51this dollar-pegged
14:52stablecoin
14:53called USD1.
14:55We all know
14:55what a stablecoin is.
14:57Of course, Michael,
14:57why won't you explain it?
14:58A stablecoin
15:00is a cryptocurrency
15:03that holds horses.
15:05Exactly.
15:08The difference
15:09between a stablecoin
15:10and other forms
15:11of crypto
15:11is that a stablecoin
15:12is tied to an actual currency,
15:14so it's more likely
15:15to hold its value
15:17and not see
15:17as many peaks and valleys.
15:18So Trump's
15:19World Liberty Financial
15:21essentially gets a cut
15:22of every sale
15:23involving their coin
15:25and they get a cut
15:26of the interest.
15:27So here's a fun
15:28multiple-choice question.
15:30Which nefarious-sounding
15:32global player
15:33has a huge stake
15:35in Trump-run
15:37World Liberty Financial?
15:39Secretariat.
15:43Is it
15:44Sheikh Tanun
15:45Ben Zayed
15:46Al-Nayan
15:47aka the spy sheikh
15:49Boris Rusnikov
15:51aka the KG Beast
15:54or Toshi Yamamoto?
15:57Number one.
15:58Oh, number one.
16:00Trump would never
16:01get involved
16:02with somebody
16:03from the UAE
16:05called the spy sheikh.
16:08That would not happen.
16:09It was okay
16:09because he got involved
16:11four days before
16:12he took office
16:12so he wasn't president.
16:14Oh, well then it's fine.
16:15Yeah, how about that?
16:15Oh, I shouldn't be
16:16fighting you.
16:17We're on the same team.
16:20Yeah, it's
16:21Sheikh Tanun
16:22Ben Zayed Al-Nayan
16:23aka the spy sheikh
16:25seen here
16:26right after he took out
16:27his last Invisalign trait.
16:30He's a member
16:31of the royal family
16:32of the UAE
16:32and oversees
16:33a $1.3 trillion
16:35empire
16:36making him
16:37one of the most
16:38powerful
16:38single investors
16:39in the world
16:40and here's what went down.
16:42Just days before
16:43Trump's second inauguration
16:44the journal reports
16:4549%
16:46nearly half
16:47of the Trump family
16:48crypto company
16:49World Liberty Financial
16:50was purchased
16:51for $500 million
16:53by Sheikh Tanun
16:54Ben Zayed Al-Nayan
16:55sometimes referred to
16:57as the spy sheikh.
16:58The journal reporting
16:59the Trump family
17:00earned an upfront payment
17:01of an estimated
17:03$187 million
17:04in the deal
17:04with another $31 million
17:06reportedly going
17:07to the family
17:07of Trump's
17:08Middle East envoy
17:09Steve Witkoff.
17:10Spy sheikh
17:11invest a bunch of money
17:12in the Trump situation?
17:14What do you think
17:15he got in return
17:17for that investment?
17:19AI, AI.
17:20A thank you note?
17:22Months later
17:23the Trump administration
17:24approved something
17:25the sheikh
17:26and others in the UAE
17:27long coveted
17:28the sale of hundreds
17:29of thousands
17:30of cutting-edge
17:31American artificial
17:32intelligence chips
17:33to that country
17:34a move the previous
17:35administration blocked
17:36where the state-of-the-art
17:37technology could be sold
17:39or smuggled to China.
17:40I don't think he's
17:41going to do spy shit
17:42with it.
17:42No, of course.
17:43Why would I?
17:44His name is ironic.
17:48The $1.4 billion
17:49Trump has made
17:50off his presidency
17:50isn't all from crypto.
17:53Oh.
17:54He still spent
17:55the second term
17:56making some of his money
17:57the old-fashioned way.
17:58My new Trump fragrances
18:00are here.
18:01I've named them
18:01Fight, Fight, Fight
18:02because they represent winning.
18:05We all want to be winning.
18:06We have to win as a nation.
18:08We want to win as a family.
18:09Get yourself a bottle
18:10and don't forget
18:11to grab one
18:12for your loved ones, too.
18:14They'll thank you
18:15and they'll even smell good.
18:27Welcome back.
18:29It's time for the
18:29Offender Meter.
18:30Teams have to tell us
18:31who's the offender,
18:32what they did,
18:33and who they offended.
18:35Offender on the screen,
18:36please.
18:36Who is this offender?
18:39That's the skier
18:40from the Olympics
18:42who said,
18:43hey, you know,
18:43I'm not necessarily thrilled
18:45with everything
18:45that's going on
18:46in the U.S. right now, right?
18:47Yes, yes.
18:49Hess?
18:49Hess is Hunter.
18:50Yes, Hunter Hess.
18:52Yes, that is
18:52Olympic freestyle skier
18:53Hunter Hess,
18:54not to be confused
18:55with his brother,
18:56Gatherer Hess.
19:01Hunter offended
19:03Senator Rick Scott,
19:05seen here just before
19:06outlawing dancing.
19:09You remember them
19:10zombies in
19:11I Am Legend?
19:11Yes.
19:12Yes.
19:16Hunter offended Rick Scott
19:17by speaking out
19:18about representing
19:19the United States
19:21in complicated times.
19:22Just listen.
19:23It brings up
19:24mixed emotions
19:24to represent the U.S.
19:26right now, I think.
19:27It's a little hard.
19:29There's obviously
19:30a lot going on
19:31that I'm not
19:32the biggest fan of
19:33and I think a lot
19:33of people aren't.
19:34Just because I'm
19:35wearing the flag
19:35doesn't mean I represent
19:36everything that's going
19:37on in the U.S.
19:39Woo!
19:40Woo!
19:42Woo!
19:42We're busy looking
19:43at all that patriotism.
19:44What y'all missed
19:45in that picture
19:45was a dude
19:46sitting next to him
19:46named Burke Irving.
19:48That is such
19:49a great broadcaster name.
19:51I'm Tim Johnson
19:52alongside the fabulous
19:53Hall of Famer
19:54Burke Irving.
19:54Burke!
19:55We're ready for
19:56some exciting
19:56football action today.
19:58Now, how did
19:59Senator Scott respond
20:01to that measured
20:02statement?
20:03Very calmly.
20:05He told him
20:06the stock market
20:08is at
20:09$5,000!
20:11Here's Rick Scott
20:12being very offended.
20:14Any person
20:15who goes to the Olympics
20:17to represent
20:18the United States
20:19and then
20:19says they don't
20:21want to represent
20:21the United States
20:22should be immediately
20:24stripped of the
20:25Olympic uniform.
20:27So that I can
20:28inspect their bodies.
20:32And Senator Scott
20:33wasn't alone.
20:34Donald Trump
20:35joined into the fray,
20:36of course.
20:36Trump called his
20:37quote,
20:38a real loser
20:39with a capital L
20:40and said it's
20:41very hard to root
20:42for someone like this.
20:44Yeah.
20:45It's also what he said
20:46about Rob on traitors.
20:48All in all,
20:49Americans at the Olympics
20:51are struggling
20:52with their reputation,
20:53just like those at home,
20:54but they're certainly
20:55not the only ones
20:57having a weird time
20:58at the Olympics.
20:59Does anyone know
21:01how the Norwegian
21:03biathlete
21:04Sterla Holm
21:05agreed
21:06reacted
21:07when winning
21:08a bronze medal?
21:09He's the cheater.
21:10What happened
21:10with the Norwegian
21:11biathlete?
21:12You shout it, Aaron.
21:13I think he's the cheater,
21:14right?
21:15But not...
21:16Oh, my God!
21:17He didn't cheat
21:17at the sport.
21:18So this is what I heard.
21:22This man,
21:24while he was being
21:25interviewed,
21:25after he had won
21:27or lost,
21:28who gives a shit?
21:29Because the lady
21:30is interviewing him
21:31and he's like,
21:32yeah, I did what I could
21:34and I cheated
21:35on my wife!
21:38I'm so sorry!
21:40Aired their dirty laundry
21:42at the Olympics.
21:44Ain't no way
21:45she's taking him back.
21:46So he gets a bronze medal
21:48in the biathlon
21:49and first, of course,
21:51you get the interview.
21:52You thank your family
21:53and your country
21:54and the supporters
21:55and then the reporter
21:56simply asked him,
21:57how do you feel
21:59about winning
22:00a bronze medal
22:01and he said...
22:14This is a Wendy's, bro!
22:17Maybe he wouldn't have
22:19gotten bronze
22:19without cheating.
22:20Maybe he should have
22:22cheated more.
22:23Yes!
22:24Field is a powerful fuel.
22:27It definitely fueled
22:29my career.
22:29Question on to the panel.
22:31Should this woman
22:32take him back?
22:34No.
22:37Amber, you as a women's,
22:38would you take back
22:39somebody after a
22:40beautiful, grand gesture?
22:42This is supposed
22:42to be my moment
22:43and I made it about
22:45reconciling with you.
22:46I might take back
22:48someone after cheating,
22:49but not after
22:50everybody knows.
22:52People who don't know us
22:54know you fucking around.
22:55I don't think he thought
22:57that that was the way
22:58back into her good graces.
22:59I think he was just
23:00overwhelmed with guilt.
23:02It would be very funny
23:03if she goes out tonight
23:05and fuck somebody
23:06who won a silver medal.
23:10I know!
23:12Let's see your offender.
23:15Who's this offender?
23:16Uh-oh.
23:17That's Carney.
23:18That's your leader.
23:19Yeah.
23:19Oh!
23:20I might know something.
23:21You know this one?
23:22No, I know who he is.
23:23Okay, who is it?
23:24That's Carney.
23:25Okay, that's
23:25Canadian Prime Minister
23:26Mark Carney.
23:27Yes.
23:28Who did he offend?
23:29Me?
23:32I'll take it.
23:33Oh, Trump!
23:34He offended Trump
23:35because at the speech
23:36at the WEF, right?
23:38Yes!
23:38He made that beautiful speech.
23:39Yeah!
23:40Yes!
23:41One for me!
23:43One for me!
23:44One for me!
23:46Yes.
23:47That is Canadian
23:48Prime Minister Mark Carney.
23:50Carney offended
23:51Donald Trump
23:51by building a bridge
23:52between Windsor Canada
23:53and Detroit, Michigan
23:54and if that doesn't
23:55sound offensive,
23:56you're not alone
23:57because Trump's reaction
23:58was just watch
24:00the Fox Business Club.
24:01This is the best.
24:01A new battle
24:02over a bridge crossing
24:03between Detroit
24:04and Ontario
24:05has fueled
24:05the mayor of Windsor
24:06to call President Trump
24:08quote,
24:08insane.
24:09I love this.
24:11It's the Gordie Howe bridge,
24:13right?
24:13Yes, but Gordie Howe
24:14is like one of the few things
24:15that I feel like
24:16America and Canada
24:17can share upon.
24:18He's a Canadian-born
24:19hockey player
24:19who made his name
24:21for himself in Detroit.
24:22Question to the panel.
24:23What is Donald Trump's
24:24problem with this bridge?
24:27This is what I heard.
24:29The bridge that's there now,
24:33he makes no money off of.
24:36Ooh.
24:37And that's why
24:38he doesn't like it.
24:39Trump claims
24:39the United States
24:40is being taken advantage of.
24:41In Iran on Truth Social
24:43Monday,
24:44the president said quote,
24:45they own both the Canada
24:47and the U.S. side
24:48and of course,
24:49they built it
24:50with virtually
24:51no U.S. supplies.
24:53And here's
24:53Canadian Prime Minister
24:55Mark Carney
24:57explaining what he told
24:59our president.
25:00I explained that
25:01Canada paid
25:02for the construction
25:03of the bridge,
25:03that the ownership
25:04is shared between
25:05the state of Michigan
25:06and the government
25:07of Canada
25:08and that in the construction
25:09of the bridge,
25:10obviously there's
25:11Canadian steel,
25:12Canadian workers,
25:12but also U.S. steel,
25:14U.S. workers
25:14that are involved.
25:15I don't believe him.
25:17In that same post,
25:19what did Trump claim
25:21China has planned
25:23for Canada?
25:23I know this.
25:24Tell him.
25:24He says that
25:25China's gonna cancel
25:27the Stanley Cup.
25:29Yeah, it's true.
25:32They're gonna stop us
25:33from playing hockey.
25:34That's right.
25:35Which is easy for me.
25:36Trump said quote,
25:37the first thing
25:38China will do
25:38is terminate
25:40all ice hockey
25:41being played
25:41in Canada
25:42and permanently
25:43eliminate
25:44the Stanley Cup.
25:45Yeah.
25:46He will also
25:47eliminate sex scenes
25:48from heated rivalry.
25:52I don't know
25:53what that show is.
25:53I just trust
25:54the writers.
25:56Now, even though
25:57Trump's post
25:58seems like it came
25:59out of a book
25:59of Canadian Mad Libs,
26:01Trump may...
26:03It is.
26:03the actual reason
26:04why he opposes
26:05the bridge.
26:06Didn't a other
26:08bridge builder
26:09meet with Trump's
26:10commerce secretary
26:11a few hours before
26:12this rant
26:13on Truth Social?
26:14Points.
26:16Yeah.
26:17It's because
26:18a Republican donor
26:19owning a competing
26:20bridge wants to
26:22keep making toll money
26:23from the bridge
26:24that already exists
26:25and they believe
26:26the new Gordie Howe bridge
26:27will draw some
26:28of the toll dollars down.
26:29So on Monday,
26:30a billionaire named
26:31Matthew Moran
26:32had a meeting
26:33with the secretary
26:33of commerce,
26:34Howard Lutnick.
26:35During the meeting,
26:37he allegedly lobbied
26:38the administration
26:38to oppose
26:39the Gordie Howe bridge
26:41and just hours later,
26:43wouldn't you know it,
26:44it's Truth Social
26:45O'clock, baby.
26:46But he took 25%
26:48terrorist off
26:48in the very middle
26:49so as soon as you
26:50cross halfway
26:51you fall into the river.
26:54That was
26:54Offend-O-Meter.
27:07Welcome back.
27:09Let's do like Curious.
27:12I'll give you three
27:12biographical details
27:14about a public figure
27:14but only one is true
27:15and you have to guess
27:16which is the truth
27:17and which are
27:18wonderful lies.
27:20Time for three facts
27:21about New York
27:21congressional candidate
27:22and JFK's grandson,
27:25Jack Schlossberg,
27:26kind of looks like
27:27all the white people
27:28from Stranger Things
27:29mashed together.
27:31Our facts about Jack are
27:32he eats a can of sardines
27:34a day.
27:35He once got stuck
27:36in an escape room
27:37overnight.
27:38He holds a patent
27:39on a musical frisbee
27:40called the Frizoobie.
27:42Team Michael,
27:43which one?
27:43Damn it, I want it
27:44to be Frizoobie so badly.
27:46Me too, but I think
27:46it's two.
27:48You think he got stuck
27:48in an escape room?
27:49Yes, I think he's still there.
27:52All right, we're going
27:52with two.
27:53Team Amber.
27:54Don't he look like
27:55a sardine-eating man?
27:57I think we want
27:58to go with one.
27:59Jack Schlossberg
28:00eats a can
28:01of sardines
28:02a day.
28:04Jack told
28:05the New York Times
28:06that he eats,
28:07quote,
28:07just about a can
28:09of sardines
28:10every day.
28:10That's the
28:11Heathcliff diet.
28:13That wasn't it.
28:14Now, Jack's famous
28:15for his flamboyant
28:17presence on TikTok.
28:18Question,
28:19who did Jack say
28:20is the most beautiful
28:21woman in the world?
28:23Amber Ruffin.
28:25According to Jack Schlossberg,
28:27this is the most
28:28beautiful woman
28:29in the world.
28:30This one goes out
28:31to Usha Vance,
28:32the most beautiful
28:33woman in the world.
28:34Whenever you're ready,
28:35I'm here for you.
28:36Now she's back
28:38in the atmosphere
28:39and drops
28:40the Jupiter
28:41in her head.
28:46Was he joking?
28:47Or was he shooting
28:49a shot?
28:49Was he trolling?
28:51What was that?
28:51It's the fault
28:51of the young political.
28:52You're of the TikTok world.
28:55He's running for Congress.
28:56That's what it was.
28:57If only he'd had
28:58a frizubi
28:59to do his singing for him.
29:02I mean,
29:02but Jack is a very
29:03charismatic figure
29:04and to your point,
29:05Aaron,
29:05he is running for Congress
29:06so you have to have
29:07a different approach
29:08to social media.
29:09Draw attention to yourself
29:10because Jack really
29:12likes to go off
29:13on TikTok.
29:14Take a look.
29:17Charge!
29:20Are you sure
29:20you want to close
29:21the border?
29:23Because then
29:23you're stuck with me
29:25and my army.
29:27My army of little freaks.
29:31Wouldn't you like
29:31to see him question
29:32Pam Bondi?
29:34Yeah, he might be
29:35the next representative
29:36of New York's
29:3712th congressional district,
29:38which, by the way,
29:39includes this very
29:40broadcast studio
29:41here in Manhattan
29:42that we're sitting
29:43in right now.
29:44Does anyone know
29:45what big endorsement
29:47Jack secured
29:48this week?
29:49Nancy Pelosi.
29:51Holy sh...
29:52That's my teammate
29:53right there.
29:54Nancy Pelosi said
29:56in a statement,
29:57quote,
29:57this moment calls
29:58for leaders
29:59who understand
29:59the stakes
30:00and how to deliver
30:01for the people
30:03they serve.
30:04And if there's
30:04one thing
30:05Jack Schlossberg
30:06knows how to do
30:07is serve.
30:08Hey, everybody,
30:09don't give up
30:09on your team.
30:15That's not what
30:16your people can do
30:17for you,
30:17but why you can be
30:18in a Walmart
30:19now, fuck.
30:21Time for three facts
30:22about Kentucky
30:22congressmen
30:23and a man
30:24whose skull
30:24is 20%
30:25too large.
30:27James Comer.
30:28Our facts
30:29about James are
30:30he went to college
30:31on a jazz dance
30:32scholarship.
30:33He was a baby model.
30:35He had a pet kangaroo
30:37as a child.
30:38Which one
30:39is the truth?
30:40Look,
30:41he got a big head
30:43and that's
30:44baby model material.
30:46100%.
30:46You know?
30:47Team Michael,
30:47I want to go
30:48against type here.
30:49Yeah,
30:50I'm going to go
30:50with jazz dance scholarship.
30:51We think he had
30:51a jazz dance scholarship.
30:54Yes, we do.
30:54James Comer
30:55was a baby model.
30:56What?
30:57As he posted
30:58on his Instagram,
30:59Comer appeared
31:00with his younger brother
31:01in a 1975 ad
31:03for Youth Fashions
31:05in Thompsonville, Kentucky.
31:06First off,
31:07them two kids
31:07look haunted.
31:09Them look like
31:10the kids should be
31:10in the hotel
31:11and then they just
31:12be in the hallway.
31:12She doesn't like it
31:14when you open the door.
31:16Got on them polio overalls.
31:19James Comer's
31:20in the news this week
31:21because he's the chair
31:22of the House
31:23Oversight Committee,
31:24which in two weeks
31:25will be holding depositions
31:27featuring Bill
31:28and Hillary Clinton.
31:29Seen here
31:30in happier times.
31:33Panel,
31:34what is Bill Clinton
31:35suggesting
31:36for his Epstein deposition?
31:38He wants a show.
31:39He wants a show?
31:41He wants cameras.
31:41Bill Clinton says
31:42that he wants
31:43his Epstein deposition
31:44to be a public hearing.
31:46Clinton said last week,
31:48quote,
31:49let's stop playing games
31:50and do this the right way.
31:51In a public hearing
31:52where the American people
31:53can see for themselves
31:54what this is really about.
31:56He also said,
31:57quote,
31:58I have called
31:59for a full release
32:00of the Epstein file.
32:01Don't say full release
32:03when you say Epstein file.
32:06Don't say that.
32:07This has been
32:08Lycurious.
32:08More after the break.
32:20Welcome back.
32:21It's time for Missing Words.
32:24Here's your headline.
32:25Weibo admits
32:26that its autopilot
32:27is often blank.
32:29Weibo admits
32:30that its autopilot
32:32is often on autopilot.
32:34It's often in Manila?
32:35Ooh.
32:36I think that's true.
32:37Yeah.
32:38Weibo admits
32:38that its autopilot
32:39is often just guys
32:41from the Philippines.
32:42I told you.
32:42It's the Manila.
32:43You're right.
32:43You're right.
32:43I told you.
32:44During testimony
32:45before Congress last week,
32:46Weibo's chief safety officer
32:48noted that when the company's
32:49robo-taxis encounter
32:51an unusual situation,
32:53they may request
32:54real-time input
32:55from a remote response agent.
32:59Human,
33:00please control this thing
33:02from way over
33:02on the other side
33:03of the earth
33:04with your PlayStation controller.
33:06Question,
33:07what did One Way Mo
33:08in Los Angeles
33:09do recently
33:10that might count
33:11as an unusual situation?
33:14It kidnapped someone
33:15and drove them
33:16to the Philippines?
33:18In Los Angeles,
33:20a Way Mo
33:21hit a child.
33:23No.
33:23In late January,
33:25a Way Mo
33:25in Santa Monica
33:26hit a child
33:26during a drop-off
33:27at a local school.
33:28Everybody was okay.
33:29Here's the more amazing thing.
33:31The local parents
33:32truly don't give a shit.
33:34I think that
33:34those types of incidents
33:36are going to happen.
33:38Lots of cars
33:39have incidents
33:40with people in them.
33:41Some of them
33:42are driven by robots.
33:43If it was a regular car,
33:44a regular person,
33:45they may not
33:45have been able to stop.
33:46Got a check hood car
33:48for teeth
33:48in the front bumper.
33:50Now, of course,
33:51having a robot
33:52controlled by a person
33:53isn't always a bad thing.
33:55Sometimes you have
33:56a robot controlled
33:57by a person
33:57and you get
33:58great videos like this.
34:03Ooh!
34:06It's like the robot
34:07felt the pain.
34:07Like the...
34:08Beautiful.
34:09Here's your headline.
34:10Local bar owner
34:11forced to eat
34:12blank for one month.
34:14Fried pickles?
34:15Olives.
34:16Taco Bell.
34:17Local bar owner
34:18forced to eat
34:19Wendy's chili
34:20for one month.
34:22Oh.
34:23In January,
34:24Larry Shea
34:25of Binghamton, New York
34:26bet that if golfer
34:27Scotty Scheffler
34:28won the American Express
34:30golf tournament,
34:31he would eat
34:32nothing but
34:33Wendy's chili
34:34for a month.
34:35And wouldn't you know it,
34:37who won the tournament?
34:40Yes!
34:41Scotty Scheffler
34:42has done it again.
34:44Oh, Scotty,
34:45what have you done?
34:47Wendy's chili
34:49for a month.
34:50I think I could do it.
34:51I could too.
34:52Now, Larry's been
34:53a good sport about it
34:53so far.
34:54Here's Larry with the update
34:55halfway through
34:56through the challenge.
34:57Eleven days in,
34:58it's taking its toll.
35:00Breakfast chili
35:00is not something
35:02I recommend.
35:03I just wish
35:03I could have crackers.
35:05Oh, my Lord,
35:06I wish I could have crackers.
35:07If you would have told me
35:08who does Larry look like,
35:10that's what Larry
35:11would look like.
35:12Yeah.
35:13Here's your headline.
35:14Blank terrorized
35:15Wisconsin town.
35:17Cheese curds.
35:18Yeah.
35:18That's right.
35:19I bet.
35:20My baby said
35:20cheese curds.
35:22And your baby
35:23is wrong.
35:24Dang it.
35:25Over here.
35:26Chupacabra?
35:26My baby said
35:28chupacabra.
35:29That's right.
35:30And your baby
35:31is wrong.
35:36Wait, it's squirrels.
35:38Wild turkeys
35:40terrorize Wisconsin town.
35:42Here's the story.
35:43Wild turkeys
35:44are attacking people
35:45in the Janesville neighborhood.
35:46People in the area
35:47say the birds
35:48are chasing postal workers,
35:49blocking traffic,
35:50even going after kids.
35:52At first,
35:53I love wildlife.
35:54The turkeys were cool.
35:55You know,
35:55they brought, you know,
35:56life to the neighborhood.
35:57As it's developed,
35:59they've become a nuisance.
36:00If you didn't know
36:02that was about turkeys
36:03and I just showed you
36:04that clip,
36:05you would guess
36:06immigrants are black people.
36:07Yeah, you would.
36:09You'd go,
36:10who was he annoyed by?
36:11You would not guess.
36:12Well, surely there's turkeys.
36:15You'd think Canadians.
36:17But to be fair,
36:18in that father's defense,
36:19these are some
36:20very tough turkeys.
36:21Lawrence Meyer
36:22caught this incident
36:23on camera.
36:24Wild turkeys
36:25chasing down
36:26a postal worker.
36:28Our cameras
36:29also caught the flock
36:30chasing down
36:31a rental truck.
36:34And another mail carrier.
36:37That's what they created
36:38Sandra Groundless for right there.
36:41That was Missing Words.
36:42More after the break.
36:53Welcome back.
36:54It's time for Witch's Hire.
36:55I'll give you two
36:56unrelated numbers from the news.
36:57You tell me which is higher.
36:59Now, this is a Valentine's Day weekend,
37:01of course.
37:02The only holiday
37:03where you can go to Walgreens
37:04to get candy
37:05and then return to Walgreens
37:07later for a pregnancy test.
37:11Now, that brings us
37:12to the question,
37:13which is higher?
37:15The price of a bouquet
37:16of 100 long-stemmed roses
37:18from 1-800-Flowers
37:20or this five-inch-tall
37:22Swarovski crystal shrimp.
37:25Team Amber.
37:26I feel like
37:27a dozen roses
37:28costs $50.
37:30On those websites?
37:31Double it.
37:32Really?
37:33Yeah.
37:33It's about 70
37:34for a dozen.
37:35How do you know
37:36how much a dozen roses
37:37costs for?
37:37Are you buying
37:39a dozen roses
37:40for somebody's reward?
37:41Not this year.
37:42I have been known
37:43to apologize.
37:47I'm going to say
37:48the bouquet of roses
37:50costs $780.
37:54Okay.
37:54And I think
37:55the Shrek
37:55costs fucking $1.99.
37:58Who wants that thing?
38:00That's Swarovski.
38:01It's crystal.
38:02It's crystal.
38:02It's Wawrowski.
38:03Okay, Team Michael,
38:04which one do you think
38:05is higher?
38:05We think it's
38:06the crystal Shrek.
38:06We think a little
38:07Swarovski crystal Shrek.
38:10All right.
38:10The price of a bouquet
38:11of 100 long-stemed roses
38:12from 1-800-Flowers
38:14is $529.99.
38:16The price of a
38:17five-inch tall
38:18Swarovski crystal Shrek
38:20is $750.
38:23So the price
38:24of the crystal Shrek
38:26is higher.
38:28So crystal Shrek
38:29sounds like the name
38:30of a stripper
38:32from a questionable
38:34strip establishment.
38:36If you really want
38:37to impress somebody
38:38and get them
38:38some real crystal,
38:40you can spring
38:41for the Marvel Avengers
38:42display,
38:43which features
38:44approximately
38:4563,000
38:47hand-laid crystals.
38:49Can anyone guess
38:50how much
38:51the crystal Avengers?
38:53I want to say
38:53close to $10,000.
38:54I want to say
38:54$7,500.
38:56Yeah.
38:56$15,000
38:57is what we say
38:58and we mean it.
38:59Correct.
38:59Oh, are you saying
39:01it's more expensive
39:02than that?
39:02Think of all
39:03of the labor.
39:03Every one of those
39:04little encrusted
39:05crystals was laid
39:07with a little bitty
39:09tweezers
39:10and a little bit
39:10of glue.
39:11$27,000.
39:13Add a zero to our guess.
39:14$2 million.
39:17$2 million.
39:17$2 million.
39:18And that's
39:19in Dogecoin.
39:20Yeah, in Doge.
39:20In Doge.
39:21The Swarovski
39:22Crystal Avengers
39:23cost $42,000.
39:26It's worth it.
39:27Look at this picture,
39:28ma'am,
39:28and tell me
39:28that don't look
39:28like Chris Evans.
39:32Holt looked like
39:32he just heard
39:33how much this shit costs.
39:36Now,
39:37your true love
39:37doesn't have to
39:38give you crystal
39:39to show you
39:40that it's real.
39:40They'll appreciate
39:41the little things
39:42like this 10-carat
39:43gold Shrek pendant
39:44covered in cubic
39:46zirconia
39:47for $2,428.75.
39:52It kind of looked
39:53like James Comer
39:54with the gold china.
39:55That was
39:56Witch's Hire.
40:06Time for a game
40:07called
40:08Who's That Baby?
40:09I'll show you
40:10a famous person's
40:11baby picture.
40:12Tell me
40:12who's that baby?
40:14Here are your clues.
40:16They attended
40:16Santa Monica High School.
40:18Oh, no.
40:18They are married
40:19to a podcaster.
40:20They're an architect
40:21of the Trump administration's
40:23family separation policy.
40:24You're telling me
40:25that's what he looked like
40:26before he went bald?
40:27You know who it is.
40:28I do.
40:29Who that baby?
40:30Stephen Miller.
40:31Yes, indeed.
40:32Homeland Security Advisor
40:33Stephen Miller.
40:35Stephen Miller has,
40:36of course,
40:37devoted a lot
40:37of his time
40:38to kicking people
40:39out of the United States,
40:41but he also spends
40:41a lot of time
40:42thinking about space.
40:44Does anyone know
40:45what science fiction series
40:47the Homeland Security Advisor
40:49grew up a fan of?
40:51What science fiction show
40:53was about Nazis?
40:55Battlestar Galactica.
40:57Battlestar, you got it.
40:58Star Trek Next Generation.
40:59Stephen Miller
41:00is a lifelong Trekkie,
41:02and according to a classmate
41:04in the Vanity Fair profile,
41:06Miller, quote,
41:07really liked this kind
41:08of macho alpha male thing
41:09that was going on
41:10with Captain Kirk.
41:12There's even a photo
41:13of Stephen as a young man
41:14wearing a Starfleet uniform.
41:16There he is,
41:17getting ready to go to prom.
41:19That was Who's That Baby?
41:21I want to thank our guests
41:22Aaron Parnas and Scott Thompson,
41:23and of course,
41:25team captains Amber Ruffin
41:26and Michael Ian Black.
41:28Before we sign off,
41:30here are a few more stories
41:32we're watching.
41:33A man realizes
41:34the guy he was making fun of
41:36is right behind him.
41:41Rising gas prices
41:43forced co-workers
41:44to commute together.
41:47I'm Roy Wood Jr.
41:49and I'll see you next week
41:49for another episode
41:50of How I Got News For You.
41:52And don't forget
41:52to delete your Epsyn files
41:55from your browser history.
41:57Good night.
42:00I'll see you next week.
42:05You
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