Ask A Policeman 1939

NatureVids

Transcript

00:00:00The End

00:00:49We're now back in the studio, having shown you the type of crime which occurs all too frequently in London,

00:00:54keeping a highly organised police force constantly employed.

00:00:57But now, by way of contrast, we're taking you over to a little village on the coast.

00:01:01In the sleepy little hamlet of Turnbottom Round, there are no criminals.

00:01:06For years now, not a single conviction has been recorded, not even a name in the charge book.

00:01:11This unique record has caused Turnbottom Round to be envied throughout the south of England as a village without crime.

00:01:17The police station occupies an old watchtower and is probably the least used building in the neighbourhood.

00:01:23Ladies and gentlemen, the police station Turnbottom Round.

00:01:29Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, in the police station of the village without crime.

00:01:34We have with us as an audience the squire and all the local celebrities.

00:01:39The absence of crime in this happy village is entirely due to the efficient and indefatigable efforts of the head

00:01:45of the local police force, Sergeant Dudfoot.

00:01:51Sergeant Dudfoot.

00:01:54Oh, is it me?

00:01:57Good evening, everybody.

00:01:58A little further back and not quite so large, please.

00:02:01Oh, I see. A little farther back, yes.

00:02:02Is it true you've had no crime in this village for ten years?

00:02:05No, no. That's my bit.

00:02:06Oh, is it? Oh.

00:02:07Oh, I'm sorry. That's his bit.

00:02:09Yes.

00:02:09Is it true that you've had no crime in this village for ten years?

00:02:12Oh, I see. We're starting again.

00:02:14Yes, that is true.

00:02:15And how long exactly is it since you last had a crime?

00:02:18Ten years, five weeks, four days.

00:02:19Very interesting. And how long have you been in charge of this police station?

00:02:23Ten years, five weeks, four days.

00:02:25I can hardly believe it.

00:02:26Well, that's what it says here.

00:02:29Very commendable, Sergeant. A record like yours deserves a reward.

00:02:33Hey, where is it?

00:02:35I have merely done my duty. I do not expect any reward.

00:02:39I don't remember approving that line.

00:02:41When you say there has been no crime, you mean no big crime.

00:02:44I mean none, either big or little.

00:02:46What about minor offenses such as pilfering or poaching?

00:02:50There has been no poaching in this village for ten years, five weeks, four days.

00:02:54Amazing record, Sergeant.

00:02:55Yes, I haven't seen a poacher for the last...

00:02:57Since you've been here, definitely an achievement, Sergeant.

00:03:00I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.

00:03:04And for an agricultural district like Turnbotham Round, never to have known a case of poaching in ten years,

00:03:10well, all I can say is it says a great deal for the control you exercise over the villagers.

00:03:14Now, look, you're done. You made us miss the broadcast.

00:03:16You will not be narky.

00:03:17Yes, you'd be more narky if we missed his dinner tomorrow.

00:03:22Get up, you poor. Did you know they're making a broadcast in there?

00:03:25Did we go on purpose?

00:03:26Well, get some light in here.

00:03:27Well, that's better.

00:03:28If we hurry, we'll just make it.

00:03:29Yes, sir.

00:03:30Very sorry.

00:03:31He's still talking, but...

00:03:33I thought you said you'd remember the broadcast.

00:03:35No, I didn't. I said I'd remember to remind you about the broadcast.

00:03:38Well, why didn't you?

00:03:39Because I forgot.

00:03:39Because you forgot. You always forget.

00:03:41Come on. All right. Wait for a minute.

00:03:43I've set an example to the police all over the world.

00:03:47Our Sergeant Dudfoot staff have just returned from their lonely beats.

00:03:51Two splendid fellows.

00:03:53One is a fine, youthful figure of a policeman, and the other is just...

00:03:56Oh, they don't want to hear about him.

00:03:57Sorry we're late, Sarge.

00:03:58Good evening, Constable Brown.

00:03:59So you two have helped to keep this village free from crime.

00:04:03Not so loud and stand farther back.

00:04:04This village must be very proud of.

00:04:06Well, my girl Emily says I'm a...

00:04:08My girl Emily.

00:04:09That's a nice thing to say in a broadcast.

00:04:10Well, they can't make anything rude out of that, can they?

00:04:14Now, how long have you been with the force?

00:04:16Twelve months next muck spreading.

00:04:17What do you mean muck spreading? It says April.

00:04:20Well, that is muck spreading.

00:04:21What?

00:04:21Why doesn't he stick to the script?

00:04:23I mean, what do you think this is? A gardening talk?

00:04:24And you've never been called upon to arrest even a drunk.

00:04:28Oh, no. No drunks here.

00:04:34You must tell the choir boys that the street's not the proper place to practice.

00:04:37Yes, Sargeant.

00:04:38And how about you, Constable...

00:04:41Harbottle. Please meet him.

00:04:43Harbottle, ah, yes. You control the traffic.

00:04:45And you've never even known a case of speeding.

00:04:47How fear?

00:04:48I'd as soon have the bracelets on him if I had.

00:04:51Oh, that must be the doctor on an urgent case.

00:04:53Urgent?

00:04:54Yeah, probably going to Mrs. Ockham.

00:04:56She always needs it till the last minute.

00:05:00Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise for this old fool.

00:05:02If anybody opens his mouth, he always sticks his foot in it.

00:05:04He comes budding in, he's got no right here at all.

00:05:07And what's more...

00:05:07You're wasting your time, sir. You've been faded out.

00:05:09Well, what about these other three pages?

00:05:11That's all your fault, you're...

00:05:12Oh, I'm sorry this happened, Sargeant. You were doing splendidly.

00:05:16Oh, well, you know how it is. The BBC always paid out the best items.

00:05:19Good night, Sargeant.

00:05:20Good night.

00:05:22The least I can do is to thank you for your trouble.

00:05:23Being a police officer, of course, you can't accept a fee.

00:05:26Oh, does that come under this? Oh, what a pity.

00:05:27But if there's any local charity for which you'd like a contribution...

00:05:31Well, we have the police outing fund, sir.

00:05:33I think it's going to be rather difficult to get that in.

00:05:35Oh, no, no, no, it's interesting. There we are.

00:05:37Good night, Sargeant.

00:05:38Good night.

00:05:40Come and say good night to the gentlemen. Come on, come on.

00:05:42Good night.

00:05:43Good night.

00:05:59Good night.

00:06:01We aren't open yet.

00:06:03Got plenty for you this morning, Sarge.

00:06:05Have you?

00:06:05Yeah.

00:06:05Well, wait for their money.

00:06:07Show them in next door.

00:06:15Hello, Ernie.

00:06:16How's the nitty?

00:06:17Very nice, thanks.

00:06:18The sergeant says I have to bring his post here.

00:06:20What, all that lunch?

00:06:21What's he been up to?

00:06:28Coming out tonight, Emily?

00:06:29Oh, I can't, Ernie.

00:06:31I've got a date.

00:06:31Yeah, not with Harry Pringle, the fish boy.

00:06:33Why, what have you got on Harry?

00:06:34Oh, nothing.

00:06:35And I thought a girl like you would have aimed a bit higher than a common ill skinner.

00:06:38Well, at least he does take me to the pictures.

00:06:41Pictures?

00:06:41Then what's the matter with you?

00:06:43You go there and pass out at Robert Taylor and Clark Gable.

00:06:46Takes you a couple of weeks to get used to me again.

00:06:48Oh, you're just jealous because Harry's got a motorbike and you haven't.

00:06:51Huh, motorbike?

00:06:52I wouldn't take one of my girls out on a motorbike,

00:06:54bumping up and down on the pillion, getting disfigured for life.

00:06:58Don't you believe it, big boy.

00:06:59The back of a motorbike's okay by little Emily.

00:07:02I suppose you wouldn't come out in my car.

00:07:04Your car.

00:07:05Well, you haven't got a car.

00:07:06Belongs to the police.

00:07:07Anyway, you're afraid to take me out in it.

00:07:10Says who?

00:07:11Says me.

00:07:12Well, you'll be at the crossways at half past five tonight and we'll see.

00:07:15Well, I might.

00:07:16Now you've bought me the sweets.

00:07:17So long, honeybunch.

00:07:18All right.

00:07:20Here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here.

00:07:23Don't tempt you in the world, they're broken biscuits.

00:07:25Who are they for?

00:07:26The governor?

00:07:27Oh, I see.

00:07:28Well, gracious, all those for me.

00:07:30Perhaps they're Christmas cards.

00:07:31What, in November?

00:07:32It's your fun mail after you were broadcast.

00:07:34Oh, how do you know?

00:07:35Well, I opened one or two.

00:07:37You opened one or two?

00:07:38Do you know that's an offence?

00:07:39Yes.

00:07:40And so was you a broadcaster.

00:07:42Here, Lummi.

00:07:43What's all that lot?

00:07:44Oh, my fan letters.

00:07:45Only for me.

00:07:46Here, look, it's one with OHMS on it.

00:07:48Ah, that'll be from the BBC.

00:07:50Want to fix up another broadcast.

00:07:52Yes.

00:07:53Yes, sir.

00:07:54Read your broadcast.

00:07:56Your failure to effect a single arrest for the past ten years, five weeks, four days,

00:08:01would strongly suggest that the police station in your area is unnecessary.

00:08:06An investigation will shortly be made to decide whether to transfer you

00:08:09to another district or to retire you and your staff from the force altogether.

00:08:14Yours faithfully, John Conch, your chief constable.

00:08:17Oh, dear.

00:08:18Transferred or retired.

00:08:19That's a bit sick.

00:08:20Oh, I don't want to retire.

00:08:21At least not till I'm an old man.

00:08:23I mean, you're ten years older than the Pillar Mids now, to shut up.

00:08:25Ah, it's all your fault.

00:08:26You and your blue in broadcast.

00:08:28Well, there's gratitude for you.

00:08:29After me making him into a policeman.

00:08:31Well, you had to when his nephew resigned.

00:08:33Resigned?

00:08:33I like that.

00:08:34You mean did a bunk with a sports fund?

00:08:36Yes, and you kept his name on the payroll.

00:08:37That's right.

00:08:38And if I hadn't had come in, he wouldn't have had any odd bottle of show.

00:08:41Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to stick to half his wages.

00:08:43That's commission.

00:08:44I mean, you should talk.

00:08:45What about all that petrol you've been using, taking your girl out?

00:08:47Well, what about it?

00:08:48It's not yours.

00:08:49It's police petrol.

00:08:50That's got nothing at all to do with it.

00:08:51It's the principle of the thing I'm talking about.

00:08:54There's no use fighting amongst ourselves.

00:08:56What are we going to do about this letter?

00:08:58Well, I'll tell you what we're going to do about it.

00:08:59If the chief wants arrest, he's going to have arrests.

00:09:01We've got to find some crime, that's all.

00:09:03Let me see.

00:09:07I know where there's some crime.

00:09:09Where?

00:09:09In the news of the world.

00:09:11I mean, we can't wait till Sunday.

00:09:13Hey, what about Mrs Clifford?

00:09:14Has she paid her dog license?

00:09:16Well, she has, in a way.

00:09:18What do you mean, she has, in a way?

00:09:19Well, she tossed me dog law quits and I lost.

00:09:22Well, we can get her for gambling.

00:09:24Oh, we can't do that.

00:09:24She's one of my best customers.

00:09:26Box the dog biscuits in the Bob Martins every Friday.

00:09:28Well, we're going to arrest someone, whether we offend them or not.

00:09:31What about poaching?

00:09:34No.

00:09:36No.

00:09:39Let that stop, Ricky.

00:09:41You know Jolly Willie hasn't got a car.

00:09:42He's only got a bike.

00:09:45Hey!

00:09:46Hey, come back here!

00:09:47You can't go carrying through here!

00:09:49What are you missing from a restricted area?

00:09:53Hey, there's an idea.

00:09:55Restricted area.

00:09:56We'll set a speed set.

00:09:57I mean, we'll give him a rest.

00:09:58We'll stop everything.

00:09:59Hey, where's my stopwatch, Albert?

00:10:00Oh, I gave it a hard bucket.

00:10:01Yes, I had it, but I boiled it.

00:10:04You what?

00:10:04I boiled it, you see.

00:10:05I had the egg in one hand and the watch in the other,

00:10:06and I put the wrong one in.

00:10:07You would.

00:10:08Well, you'd better bring the egg.

00:10:10What's that do with that?

00:10:11Well, suck it and see.

00:10:21All right, I'm ready.

00:10:22Get in the head.

00:10:24All right.

00:10:28Well, I don't see how you're going to work it.

00:10:30Well, it's perfectly sinful.

00:10:31Harbottles at the top of the road by the first post,

00:10:33and when a car passes him,

00:10:34he's going to start his watch and drop his handkerchief.

00:10:36Yes, but what do I do?

00:10:37Well, when you see his handkerchief,

00:10:38you start your watch.

00:10:39Who's going to stop the motorist?

00:10:40I am.

00:10:41I'm going to stop every car that passes.

00:10:48Oh, you didn't stop that one.

00:10:49He came before I was ready.

00:10:51Here, set your watch by mine.

00:10:52Hey, sounds like another car.

00:10:54Well, get in the head over there.

00:11:13You were exceeding the speed limit.

00:11:14Don't talk rot.

00:11:15Oh, yes, you were.

00:11:16All right.

00:11:17How much do you reckon I was doing there?

00:11:18Oh, well, all in good time.

00:11:20Harbott!

00:11:21Harbottles!

00:11:24What would this man do it?

00:11:2625 minutes.

00:11:27Yes.

00:11:27Minutes.

00:11:27Those are seconds.

00:11:29Oh, yes.

00:11:29I was looking at the wrong hand.

00:11:30What do you measure?

00:11:3125 seconds.

00:11:32So do I.

00:11:33You did the measured furlong in 25 seconds.

00:11:36What of it?

00:11:36That's only 20 miles an hour.

00:11:3925...

00:11:39Oh, yes, but 20 miles each.

00:11:41You see, there are three of us.

00:11:42That makes it 60.

00:11:4360?

00:11:44What on earth are you dribbling about?

00:11:4625 seconds, one furlong.

00:11:47Work it out for yourself and see.

00:11:49Oh, that's easy.

00:11:50I've got a pencil.

00:11:51Well, I suppose you think we can't do it, don't you?

00:11:53There you are.

00:11:54Let me see now.

00:11:55What is it?

00:11:57220 yards multiplied by eight.

00:12:00Yeah, not on my body.

00:12:01All right, all right.

00:12:02We're only doing it to oblige you.

00:12:04Yes, we're courtesy cops.

00:12:05Yes.

00:12:06220 yards multiplied by eight.

00:12:08That's 1,760.

00:12:10Now, divide that by 25 seconds.

00:12:12Hey, the thing to do is to reduce it to hours.

00:12:14How can you reduce 25 seconds to hours?

00:12:16Listen, how long do you expect me to wait here?

00:12:18You wait till we've finished.

00:12:19If you ask for it, you're going to get it.

00:12:21Yeah, I've done it.

00:12:21Have you?

00:12:22Yeah.

00:12:22Good.

00:12:2325 minus 220 divided by 60.

00:12:25Well, according to this, he hasn't got it here yet.

00:12:28Here, there it is.

00:12:291,760 divided by 25 gives us 70.4.

00:12:33Yeah, 70.4.

00:12:34Yeah.

00:12:34Well, it's gone up.

00:12:35Well, that's nearly 80 miles an hour.

00:12:36All right.

00:12:37Yes.

00:12:38Ask him for his license.

00:12:40I want to see your license.

00:12:42I haven't got a license.

00:12:44Huh?

00:12:44I said I haven't got a license.

00:12:45He hasn't got a license.

00:12:47Ask him for his insurance.

00:12:49Well, let me see your insurance certificate.

00:12:51I'm not insured.

00:12:52What, you mean you haven't got a license or an insurance?

00:12:55No.

00:12:56He hasn't got a license or an insurance.

00:12:58Oh.

00:13:00Well, it's a very lucky thing for you, young man.

00:13:02You've just saved your baiting.

00:13:03Do you mean I can go?

00:13:04Well, I can't endorse your license if you haven't got one, can I?

00:13:06Go on, hop in.

00:13:08Next time, be sure you bring one with you.

00:13:10Yes.

00:13:17Well, if you ask me, it's a waste of time.

00:13:20Well, who's wasting the time?

00:13:21Only 10 minutes to work out a simple little something like that.

00:13:23Well, it isn't our fault.

00:13:24It's a post.

00:13:25Well, what's the matter with them?

00:13:26Too clean?

00:13:26No, they're 220 yards apart.

00:13:29Well, what's that got to do with it?

00:13:30Look, there's 60 seconds in a minute.

00:13:3260 into 220 won't go.

00:13:33That's right.

00:13:34Well, if we made it 240, it's four.

00:13:37Four?

00:13:38Four times a minute.

00:13:39Oh.

00:13:40That seems very often, doesn't it?

00:13:42Oh, no, you don't understand.

00:13:43Look, if we move that post a bit this way, it's easy to divide.

00:13:46Well, why didn't you say so?

00:13:48It's...

00:13:51Oh.

00:13:52God, now, put some beef in it.

00:13:54I had put a beef in it.

00:13:55Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

00:13:57Hey, there it is.

00:13:59There it is.

00:13:59We'll step it out.

00:14:00Twenty yards.

00:14:01And you bring the post with me.

00:14:02All right.

00:14:03One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

00:14:10Hey, sounds like another car coming.

00:14:12All right.

00:14:13Well, no arguments this time.

00:14:14We've all agreed he's doing 60.

00:14:15Right.

00:14:16Now, run up the road, get ready to drop your handkerchief.

00:14:19Hey, I haven't got a handkerchief.

00:14:21Well, drop your sleeve or whatever you use.

00:14:27Hey, where can I put this?

00:14:28Well, put it anywhere.

00:14:29Stick it there.

00:14:30Yes.

00:14:31Yes.

00:14:32Well, stick it.

00:14:33Well, stick it.

00:14:34Never mind.

00:14:35Hold it.

00:14:36Get your watch of it.

00:14:53What the devil's the meaning of this?

00:14:55Well, first of all, have you got a license?

00:14:57Of course I've got a license.

00:14:58You have?

00:14:59Then you're for it, my lad.

00:15:00You were doing 60 miles an hour.

00:15:02I was doing what?

00:15:0360.

00:15:04Absolute nonsense.

00:15:08Ah, what was this man doing?

00:15:0960.

00:15:10You have the evidence to tell me that I was doing 60.

00:15:13What's that?

00:15:14Oh, a policeman.

00:15:15Yes.

00:15:16Well, I must be going mad or something.

00:15:17What's he doing with that thing?

00:15:19That?

00:15:19Ha-ha, that's evidence.

00:15:20Evidence.

00:15:21Quiet, quiet.

00:15:22Now, you say truly, uh, truly, truly rural.

00:15:26Yes, that's right.

00:15:26Say that.

00:15:27Truly rubbish.

00:15:28As I thought.

00:15:28Drunk as well.

00:15:29All right, boys.

00:15:30I'll let you.

00:15:30What?

00:15:30I warn you.

00:15:31Anything you say will only make it worse for you.

00:15:32The handcuffs are...

00:15:34Leave him to me.

00:15:36Hey!

00:15:37Stop crockling my custody, will you?

00:15:38Oh, I see.

00:15:39Oh, he's resisting arrest, eh?

00:15:41Mr. John.

00:15:42All right, boys.

00:15:43Leave him in.

00:15:47Now, go on.

00:15:48Get in and drive him to the street.

00:15:49Right, folks.

00:15:50I'll tell you something.

00:15:51What?

00:15:51He wasn't going very fast at all.

00:15:53Well, fast or slow, it doesn't matter.

00:15:54The law's the law.

00:15:55I know.

00:15:56Go on.

00:16:03Oh, we've got a case at last.

00:16:05You search him?

00:16:06Yep.

00:16:06One pocketbook, one watch, one penknife and no money.

00:16:09Yeah.

00:16:09One penknife and no what?

00:16:11And no money.

00:16:11Come on.

00:16:12Turn out your pockets.

00:16:13Oh, all right.

00:16:14One penknife and 15, Bob.

00:16:16I mean, will you never learn to be honest?

00:16:18He's as much half as another as yours.

00:16:20Yeah, I'll find Bob each.

00:16:22Now, let's see what his name is.

00:16:23You got anything inside?

00:16:34Oh.

00:16:35What's inside?

00:16:39What's the matter?

00:16:40We've only pinched a chief constable, that's all.

00:16:42Oh, that's a niche, isn't it?

00:16:43Yeah, we've got to get him out of that cell before he comes to.

00:16:47Now, when he wakes up, we don't know anything about this.

00:16:48We'll pretend we're surprised he's here.

00:16:50We'll ask him out, he's not here.

00:16:52I know, he hit something with his car.

00:16:54Tell him there's been an accident.

00:16:55Yes, and when he finds out there hasn't been an accident, there will be one.

00:16:57Don't be silly.

00:16:58After a plow on the head like that, he won't know what's happened.

00:17:00Hey, where are you going?

00:17:01I'm going to have to fix the accident.

00:17:19Hey!

00:17:21Hey, what are you doing?

00:17:22What are you doing?

00:17:23I'm kicking the front of the car in.

00:17:25Hey, what do you listen to doing that?

00:17:27That won't look like an accident.

00:17:29You want to drive it into something?

00:17:31Well, that's an idea.

00:17:31Hurry up.

00:17:32It'll be a bad come to any minute.

00:17:34Where's the starter?

00:17:36It's that little knob over there.

00:17:37Hey, come out.

00:17:38Let me do it.

00:17:40Let me, you're switching on the lights.

00:17:42There's the self-starter.

00:17:47Look at my samples.

00:17:48Why didn't you tell me you'd left it in gear?

00:17:50Well, you didn't give me time to tell you anything.

00:17:52Well, anyway, they can't say there hasn't been an accident.

00:18:05Oh, you feel it better now, sir?

00:18:11You scoundrels.

00:18:12I'll have the lot of you in jail for this.

00:18:14He's delirious.

00:18:16Delirious, why I...

00:18:17You've had an accident.

00:18:19What are you talking about?

00:18:21You assaulted me.

00:18:22That's right.

00:18:22No, you've had an accident, sir.

00:18:24Oh, an accident, sir.

00:18:25Oh, yes.

00:18:25You were driving the car and you suddenly left the road,

00:18:27went smack through the shop next door.

00:18:29You impudent scoundrel.

00:18:31Well, if you don't believe us, come out and have a look.

00:18:32Yes, yes.

00:18:32Come and have a look, sir.

00:18:33Come and have a look.

00:18:35You assaulted me on the high road.

00:18:37Well, we did, sir.

00:18:38Oh, nothing of the kind.

00:18:39Well, we haven't been out of the house all day, sir, really.

00:18:41You held me up and accused me of speeding and you know it.

00:18:43Hallucination.

00:18:44Yes, that's what it is, sir.

00:18:45Hallucination.

00:18:45Very common after an accident.

00:18:47What?

00:18:47Especially a nasty one like this.

00:18:48Look.

00:18:50What have you done to my car?

00:18:51Keep calm, sir.

00:18:52Keep calm.

00:18:53It'll all come back to you.

00:18:54Come back?

00:18:54It hasn't gone away from me yet.

00:18:56You stopped me on the high road for speeding

00:18:57and what's more, you accused me of being drunk.

00:18:59Oh, pure hallucination, sir.

00:19:01Yes, hallucination.

00:19:02Yes, hallucination.

00:19:03That's right.

00:19:04Are you trying to tell me that I drove down this road

00:19:06and for no reason at all crashed my car into this shop?

00:19:08Exactly, sir.

00:19:09Yes.

00:19:09I refuse to believe such outrageous nonsense.

00:19:11Oh, excuse me, but it's perfectly true.

00:19:13What?

00:19:13I was in the saddler's shop down the road

00:19:15and saw the whole thing.

00:19:16You did?

00:19:17Who's this?

00:19:18Oh, this is the squire.

00:19:20Do you mean to tell me you substantiate this man's story?

00:19:22Definitely.

00:19:23Well, you come with me.

00:19:25Oh, yes.

00:19:29Thank you very much.

00:19:32If there's anything in this outrageous story,

00:19:34how on earth do you explain this bump?

00:19:36Well, might I suggest, sir, that you hit your head on the windscreen?

00:19:39Good heavens, man, I can't hit the windscreen with the back of my head.

00:19:41Oh, maybe you was in reverse.

00:19:43Oh.

00:19:46Albert Brown, you can't do this to me.

00:19:48I've been waiting at the crossways over half an hour.

00:19:50Shut up.

00:19:50This is a chief constable.

00:19:52Oh, I didn't know you had a friend.

00:19:54Well, if you told me, I'd have brought Aggie.

00:19:56Who is this woman?

00:19:57This is Emily, sir.

00:19:58What's she doing here?

00:19:59She's my bird, sir.

00:20:00You what?

00:20:00It means she's his bit.

00:20:02She's the parlour mate at the manor.

00:20:03Come on, Emily.

00:20:04Run along.

00:20:04We're very busy.

00:20:05Yes, but what about...

00:20:05All right, just a minute, ma'am.

00:20:12What is all this about?

00:20:13Oh, constable Brown wants to know if he can go to the pictures.

00:20:17Certainly constable Brown can go to the pictures.

00:20:18Oh, thanks, chief.

00:20:19You wouldn't like to go, too, would you?

00:20:21No, I went last Wednesday.

00:20:22And what about you?

00:20:23No, I prefer the book by the fire.

00:20:25Oh, you do?

00:20:25Good night, all.

00:20:26Good night.

00:20:27Goodbye, what's your name?

00:20:28Abyssinia.

00:20:29Good night.

00:20:31Huh, bright little girl, isn't she?

00:20:32Well, chief, what about a little drink?

00:20:34Oh, of course, I'm sure they're not open yet.

00:20:36I'll take the jug around the side door.

00:20:37Mrs. Davis will let me have it.

00:20:39What?

00:20:39Yes, she always does.

00:20:40Yeah, that's a good idea.

00:20:40Would you prefer old and mild or would you like bitter?

00:20:42I think you'd better take the large jug.

00:20:44Stay where you are.

00:20:45When I heard your broadcast, I expected to find it dead of incompetence,

00:20:49but I never thought it would be as bad as this.

00:20:50Letting a constable go to the pictures with a girl,

00:20:52getting drinks out of hours.

00:20:53Is that the way to run a police station?

00:20:55You call this a police force?

00:20:57How old are you?

00:20:59Fortitude.

00:20:59Look more like 82 to me.

00:21:01Oh, that's the life he's led.

00:21:02No, it isn't.

00:21:03It's through seeing it, what, done it?

00:21:04Seeing what?

00:21:05The ghost.

00:21:06What ghost?

00:21:06The ghost of the headless horseman driving hers.

00:21:09Horrible it was.

00:21:10I lost me hair and me teeth fell out all in a night.

00:21:13Oh, don't take any notes of him.

00:21:14He has hallucinations too.

00:21:16But it's true.

00:21:17Oh, true.

00:21:18Yes.

00:21:18And I'll tell you once more, I know other people.

00:21:20Remember, I wanted confirmation that this place is run by a pack of idiots.

00:21:23I've got it.

00:21:23The most inefficient and disorganized ramble that ever had the audacity to call itself a police force.

00:21:28Apparently, you consider blundering incompetence, daring illegality,

00:21:31and outrageous discourtesy to be the normal manifestations of a policeman's duty.

00:21:35You'll hear more of this.

00:21:42Oh, goodbye, Chief Constable.

00:21:43Goodbye.

00:21:44Thank you for calling.

00:21:45Don't worry.

00:21:46We'll look after everything.

00:21:47Yes.

00:21:48Well, go on.

00:21:48Move along.

00:21:49Move along.

00:21:49There's nothing to see.

00:21:50Go on.

00:21:51Go on.

00:21:56Oh, no.

00:21:57Now you've offended him.

00:21:58What do you want to tell him a silly, idiotic, daft story about that for?

00:22:02Headless horseman.

00:22:03Well, there is an headless horseman.

00:22:04You ask him down in the village.

00:22:06Have you seen it?

00:22:07No.

00:22:08Well, what do you want to tell him that yarn about your teeth dropping out for?

00:22:10Well, I'd have to tell him something.

00:22:11Otherwise, he'd have gone looking up my birth certificate.

00:22:13What, the doomsday book?

00:22:15Well, we'd better start packing.

00:22:17Packing?

00:22:17Well, we might as well be ready for the boot when it does come.

00:22:20What, are we leaving the dear old home?

00:22:22Yes, we're going to be kicked out into the dear old gutter.

00:22:33That looks so good, does it?

00:22:34Oh, you can't go out like that.

00:22:36No.

00:22:37You know, if only we could do something sensational, get the Daily Express behind us, they wouldn't

00:22:40dare sack us.

00:22:40I'll tell you what.

00:22:41What?

00:22:41Couldn't you arrest someone for speeding?

00:22:43Listen, I'm liable to be arrested for murder.

00:22:45What do you think we've been doing?

00:22:46Look where it's got us.

00:22:47What we've got to do is arrest some famous criminal.

00:22:49What criminals are they?

00:22:50Guy Fawkes.

00:22:51Oh, lovely Guy Fawkes.

00:22:52He's dead.

00:22:53He wasn't a criminal.

00:22:54He invented fireworks.

00:22:56There must have been some crime here sometime or another.

00:22:58Haven't we got any records?

00:22:58We've got the old charge books down in the cellar.

00:23:00Well, let's go and have a look at those.

00:23:01All right.

00:23:03Bring your bullseye with you.

00:23:04Bring your bullseye with you.

00:23:07Can you see?

00:23:08Yeah.

00:23:13I see a little bit of a muddle down here, aren't you?

00:23:15Yeah, I'm going to tidy it up tomorrow.

00:23:16Tomorrow?

00:23:17What's the good of pulling off till tomorrow?

00:23:18What we shan't be here to see?

00:23:20Well, where are your books?

00:23:21Here they are.

00:23:21Oh, yes.

00:23:23All right.

00:23:25Let's try this one, shall we?

00:23:26Yeah.

00:23:29Oh.

00:23:30I see.

00:23:30Oh.

00:23:31That's got it.

00:23:31Oh.

00:23:351753.

00:23:36Well, that's going back a bit, isn't it?

00:23:38Yeah, it is.

00:23:39Oh, here's a crime.

00:23:40Highway robbery.

00:23:41No, that's no good.

00:23:42That's legal now.

00:23:43Is it?

00:23:44Yes.

00:23:45Daniel Gould.

00:23:46Was convicted of sheep stealing.

00:23:48What did he get?

00:23:49Was sentenced to be hurdled, hanged, drawn and quartered.

00:23:52Blimey.

00:23:54Yes, here are.

00:23:55George Connachy.

00:23:56Did slay, kill and willfully murder his wife by throwing her off a cliff.

00:24:00What did they do to him?

00:24:01He was fined four and sixpence.

00:24:03That don't seem right, do you?

00:24:06Oh, I'm sorry.

00:24:07My mistake.

00:24:07Fourteen and sixpence.

00:24:09There, swear in it.

00:24:11Larceny.

00:24:12Piracy.

00:24:13Treason.

00:24:15Resisting the press gang.

00:24:17Whistling in church.

00:24:18I mean, these are no good to us.

00:24:19Haven't you got some other books somewhere else?

00:24:21You know, something on up-to-date crime?

00:24:23I've got some Sexton Blakes in the shop library.

00:24:25You have?

00:24:26Yes.

00:24:26Well, mind you say, sir, instead of wasting our time down here.

00:24:29Come on, let's go and have a look at them.

00:24:31Well, they might give us an idea, if nothing else.

00:24:34Here, you've got a catch.

00:24:36Oh, good evening.

00:24:37Good evening, Sergeant.

00:24:39Anything wrong?

00:24:40Well, yes, sir.

00:24:41In a way, you see, it's like this.

00:24:44My brother, Alfred, he's a lighthouse keeper.

00:24:47And this morning, he had to go off on his month's duty in the lighthouse.

00:24:51See?

00:24:52Yes, yes, I see.

00:24:53And he didn't want to go.

00:24:55And why didn't he want to go?

00:24:58Go on, I'll buy it.

00:24:59Why didn't he want to go?

00:25:01Because of our poor old grandmother.

00:25:04She's been ailing for years now, poor soul.

00:25:08And now, she's open at death's door.

00:25:12But as I says to Alf, duty is duty.

00:25:15And the lighthouse must be lit.

00:25:18Oh, yes, of course.

00:25:19Then, suddenly, I gets an idea.

00:25:22How about a signal, I says to Alf?

00:25:24Yes.

00:25:25What did Alf say?

00:25:26Alf says if you could do that, I'd be easy in my mind.

00:25:30All right, I says.

00:25:32You says.

00:25:33I says.

00:25:34I'll hang up a light where you can see it from the lighthouse.

00:25:37And while that there light's still burning, you'll know our gun is still with us.

00:25:41Yes, that's a good idea.

00:25:43So I thought maybe you wouldn't mind if I put it up on top of the tower here so that

00:25:48Alf can see it.

00:25:49This being the highest point hereabouts.

00:25:51Oh, by all means.

00:25:53Why, if anything happened to the old lady, I'd never forgive myself.

00:25:56Up the stairs till you come to the top.

00:25:58Thank you, Sergeant.

00:26:08What's the matter with you?

00:26:10I'm thinking about his poor old grandmother.

00:26:13Out there alone in a lighthouse.

00:26:16Why don't you listen, you old fool?

00:26:17His grandmother's not in the lighthouse.

00:26:19She's hovering around death's door.

00:26:21And he's putting that light up there so his brother will know that his grandma's light's not been put out.

00:26:29I don't know how I can thank you for this, Sergeant.

00:26:31Oh, well, that's all right.

00:26:33I mean, anything in the cause of charity.

00:26:35Charity?

00:26:35Yes, here's the box.

00:26:37Oh, there's no need for you to give anything.

00:26:40Half a clump.

00:26:41Yes, we'd have done it for nothing, you know.

00:26:43That's all right.

00:26:45Good night, Sergeant.

00:26:46Good night.

00:26:50I was thinking about his poor old granny.

00:26:53And you owe me one of some.

00:26:54Do I?

00:26:55Well, I imagine you've got it.

00:26:56Listen, we're going to look at your sex from Blake.

00:26:57Come on.

00:26:58Don't teach me.

00:26:59Come here.

00:26:59Right again.

00:27:01Oh, come on.

00:27:02Where's the crime section?

00:27:03Here you are.

00:27:04Here it is.

00:27:04Now, dauntless Desmond or the mystery of the bloodstained sheep.

00:27:07Oh, that's hot one, that is.

00:27:09You want to read page 34 where he's alone with her in the office.

00:27:11In the work?

00:27:12In the office.

00:27:13Ossish?

00:27:13Yeah.

00:27:14You mean office?

00:27:14No, don't I mean ossish?

00:27:15Yeah.

00:27:16In the oasis.

00:27:17That means you had a date with her.

00:27:20Dauntless Desmond.

00:27:21Should be dirty dick.

00:27:22While you've been playing footy-footy at the pictures, we've reached a crisis.

00:27:25Oh, you'd reached that before I went out.

00:27:27Hey, you realise, my boy, if we don't find some crime before tomorrow, we're out.

00:27:30Well, you've got a whole shelf full of crime there.

00:27:32There you are.

00:27:33Look, Bill the body snatcher, Sam the smuggler cop.

00:27:36Smuggling.

00:27:36Now, there's your crime.

00:27:38Smuggling?

00:27:38Yeah, all we've got to do is to catch some smugglers.

00:27:40Oh, great.

00:27:41Now, where do we find the smugglers?

00:27:42Oh, we don't find them.

00:27:43We stage a smuggle.

00:27:45We put a keg of brandy on the beach, then we find it with witnesses.

00:27:47Well, what good does that do us?

00:27:49Oh, then they'll have to keep us here until we find the smugglers.

00:27:51Alison, how can we find smugglers if there aren't any?

00:27:54Oh, we haven't got any brandy, either.

00:27:57Oh, yeah, yeah, I've got some brandy.

00:27:59Oh?

00:27:59What are you doing with brandy?

00:28:00Well, I'll keep it in case I get toothache.

00:28:02Toothache?

00:28:02The only thing you're likely to get is gummy.

00:28:04Well, come on.

00:28:04Don't waste time.

00:28:05Don't get the brandy.

00:28:06Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:28:07Who's in charge here?

00:28:08You, but you've got the bullet.

00:28:09I've got nothing of the kind.

00:28:10The bullet may be on the way, but until it actually lands, you'll take your orders from

00:28:13me, and I'm having nothing at all to do with it.

00:28:15It's not safe.

00:28:16Well, please yourself.

00:28:17Come on, Jerry.

00:28:17We want to keep our jobs.

00:28:19Hey, do you mean to tell me you're going to defy me and go through with it?

00:28:21Certainly.

00:28:21Oh, well, what about me?

00:28:23Well, you can help if you like.

00:28:24Oh, thank you very much.

00:28:25And what do I do?

00:28:26All we do is we put the keg of brandy on the beach, then go for a witness.

00:28:29Hey, who puts the keg of brandy on the beach?

00:28:30You and Harbottle.

00:28:31I suppose you go and get the witness.

00:28:33Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?

00:28:34No, it isn't all right.

00:28:35You'll put the brandy on the beach, and I'll go and get the witness.

00:28:44There's a storm coming up, ain't you, Jerry?

00:28:46You're telling me.

00:28:48Go up there.

00:28:51Put it down there.

00:28:59What's your name and address?

00:29:01Seth Monroe, Six Fisherman's Cottages.

00:29:04All right, well, you'll be hearing from us officially.

00:29:06Thank you very much.

00:29:07Good night.

00:29:08Good night.

00:29:11Yes, sir!

00:29:11I know, I know.

00:29:12There's a storm coming up.

00:29:22Hello, hello.

00:29:23Oh, give me the door, Mr. 6666.

00:29:25I want the Chief Constable.

00:29:26This is fairly urgent.

00:29:28Hello?

00:29:29Hello?

00:29:30Come on.

00:29:31Yes, I know I'm in a hurry.

00:29:32This is very important.

00:29:34I don't get the Chief Constable Lizzie in bed.

00:29:35You get him out of bed.

00:29:36I want to talk to him at once.

00:29:38Hey, hey, what are you two trying to do?

00:29:39Spoil everything?

00:29:40One's enough.

00:29:40One what?

00:29:41One kick of bandies.

00:29:42What are you talking about?

00:29:44Chief Constable?

00:29:44Yes.

00:29:45All right, I'll hang on.

00:29:46What are you ringing the Chief Constable up for?

00:29:47Tell him about the kick of bandies on the beach.

00:29:49We haven't taken it down yet.

00:29:50That's what I'm...

00:29:51What?

00:29:52We haven't taken it down yet.

00:29:53Yeah, when we filled it, we couldn't lift it, so we've been emptying it.

00:29:55That's right.

00:29:55What are you blibbering idiots babbling about?

00:29:58I guess we brought the kick of bandies on the beach as we arranged.

00:30:00But you couldn't have done.

00:30:01Well, there it is.

00:30:03Blimey, another one.

00:30:04That's a bitch.

00:30:05What, do you mean to tell me that...

00:30:06Hello?

00:30:07Hello?

00:30:08It's the Chief Constable.

00:30:09Now what am I going to tell him?

00:30:10Well, you rang him up.

00:30:11You think of something.

00:30:12Oh, um, is that...

00:30:14Is that Turnbotherbeast LRP Department?

00:30:17What?

00:30:17Oh, it didn't...

00:30:18Oh, wrong number.

00:30:19Oh, I'd say that.

00:30:20Come on.

00:30:21Ah, sir.

00:30:22Beat rum.

00:30:23Good stuff, too.

00:30:24Yeah, well, you leave that alone.

00:30:25It doesn't belong to you.

00:30:26Well, who does it belong to?

00:30:27Oh, that's what we're going to try and find out.

00:30:29Are you sure you didn't put that one on the beach?

00:30:30Here.

00:30:31We've only got one kick, and there it is.

00:30:35Well, where the other one comes from, then?

00:30:36That's, it's been washed up by the sea.

00:30:38Oh, what does it matter what it was washed up by?

00:30:39It'll do justice.

00:30:40Well, it doesn't affect our...

00:30:41If it doesn't belong to anybody, let's drink it.

00:30:44And what will that get us?

00:30:45A good booze-up.

00:30:45Yeah, a good booze-up.

00:30:47All our plans mucked up.

00:30:49We cast our bread upon the waters,

00:30:50and back comes a keg of rum that we don't want.

00:30:52Get free glasses.

00:30:54Yes.

00:30:55Oh, it's gold!

00:31:00Oh, what was that?

00:31:02Perhaps it was the wind.

00:31:06Well, that wasn't a wind, anyway.

00:31:08No, there's someone at the door.

00:31:09Help!

00:31:10Help!

00:31:13Well, go on, let her in.

00:31:14You do it.

00:31:15You're in charge.

00:31:16Harbottal, open that door.

00:31:17Not me.

00:31:18Early closing, shop-in.

00:31:19Hey, you can't beat shop-in in an emergency like this.

00:31:23It's gone.

00:31:24Perhaps she's gone home.

00:31:25She'll be addicted to this.

00:31:26She wouldn't sit up in there like that and then go home.

00:31:28Maybe she's come to the wrong house.

00:31:29Well, open the door and have a look.

00:31:31Hey, why me?

00:31:32Come on.

00:31:33Come on.

00:31:43Oh, dear.

00:31:44Help!

00:31:45Help!

00:31:46Help!

00:31:46Police!

00:31:47Police!

00:31:48Shut up, you old idiot.

00:31:49We are the police.

00:31:51Blimey.

00:31:52It's Emily.

00:31:53I'd better feel her heart.

00:31:54Here, knock it.

00:31:55She's my burr.

00:31:55Jerry, pack me some water.

00:31:57Well, she's only fainted.

00:32:00She's coming round.

00:32:03Oh, Albert, Albert, I've seen it.

00:32:05I've seen it.

00:32:07Hey, what have you been showing this poor girl?

00:32:09I don't know what she's talking about.

00:32:10She was all right when she left me.

00:32:11Yes, she comes again.

00:32:12Oh, I was horrible.

00:32:15It's all right, it's all right.

00:32:15Come on, get the chair, get the chair.

00:32:17That's all right, now.

00:32:18You're in good hands now.

00:32:19Come on.

00:32:19That's right, sit down.

00:32:20There.

00:32:21That's right.

00:32:22Now, would you care to make a statement?

00:32:23Just exactly what happened?

00:32:25Well, I...

00:32:26I baited the pictures with Albert in the police car.

00:32:29I see.

00:32:29Been to pictures with Constable Brown in bus.

00:32:34Then I went home.

00:32:35And all of a sudden, I remembered a letter I had to post.

00:32:38So I got up my bicycle to go to the pillar box.

00:32:40Then just as I got to the five crossways...

00:32:42Were you assaulted?

00:32:44No.

00:32:45What a pity.

00:32:46We could have taken steps.

00:32:47Well, I just got to the five crossways.

00:32:49When all of a sudden, galloping towards me, there was an earth with no head.

00:32:54A what?

00:32:54The driver had no head.

00:32:56There was a nurse with an headless horseman.

00:32:58Hey, hey.

00:32:59Come here.

00:33:00Has she been going out with you two?

00:33:02No, no.

00:33:02Well, how did she get the same story that you've got?

00:33:04I didn't know.

00:33:05It's true, I tell you.

00:33:06I saw it.

00:33:07Poor kid.

00:33:07Feeling better?

00:33:08Yes, I'm okay now.

00:33:09I'd better get the police car out and take her home.

00:33:11Well, leave us here by ourselves.

00:33:13Not likely.

00:33:13We'll all take her home.

00:33:15But frightened?

00:33:15Certainly not.

00:33:16I'm sick of the young lady's reputation.

00:33:18Come on, my dear.

00:33:33Hello, mate.

00:33:34Okey-doke, Sergeant.

00:33:35Thanks for the buggy ride.

00:33:37Good night.

00:33:38Good night.

00:33:38Good night, Toots.

00:33:39Good night, honey.

00:33:40Good night.

00:33:41Good night.

00:33:42Good night.

00:33:43Come on, Toots.

00:33:44Turn around and step on it.

00:33:45Wait a minute.

00:33:46The water rally's not in.

00:33:48Oh!

00:33:48Get over here.

00:33:49Good night, honey.

00:33:50Good night.

00:33:59It must be about one o'clock.

00:34:01I haven't been out so late since my father got married.

00:34:04Eh?

00:34:05Yes, he's called twice.

00:34:06Oh, I see.

00:34:07Here.

00:34:08Hope we don't meet that phantom earth.

00:34:10Ah, that's a lot of poppycock.

00:34:12Who ever heard of a headless driver?

00:34:13Wouldn't be able to pass his tests.

00:34:15Still, Emily must mean something that's scared her.

00:34:17Ah, maybe she saw Harbotton through the window.

00:34:19You can't believe all an hysterical girl, see?

00:34:24Oh, what's the matter?

00:34:25What did you pull off for?

00:34:26Oh, come on.

00:34:30It's a phantom earth.

00:34:31Phantom earth.

00:34:32It's a horse and cow with his tail, I don't know.

00:34:35It's a phantom earth, I tell you.

00:34:37It's a phantom flame.

00:34:38Look at the driver's head.

00:34:39What's the matter with this head?

00:34:40You ain't got one.

00:34:41Don't talk to Mr. Try.

00:34:42It's not coming this way.

00:34:45That's just what it is doing.

00:34:46No.

00:34:50Hey, hey.

00:34:50What do you like, sir?

00:34:51Give me all the grass birds.

00:34:52Let me go by.

00:34:53Look at the letting grass birds.

00:34:56Oh, he's going out right first.

00:34:57Go on.

00:34:57Look at him in the hearse.

00:34:58It's got to be gloomy.

00:34:59Put a little in the bird.

00:35:13Come with the man again.

00:35:14Sling it quick.

00:35:15Come on.

00:35:18Oh, catch me.

00:35:19Well, you should have kept your eyes on the road instead of talking so much.

00:35:23Well, anyway, we didn't go any farther.

00:35:26We'll give the flaming house to slip.

00:35:37Listen.

00:35:38Listen.

00:35:39What's the matter?

00:35:40Oops.

00:35:42Oops.

00:35:43Blimey.

00:35:43It's followed us in here.

00:35:54See where it went?

00:35:55No.

00:35:56Where did it go?

00:35:56It went.

00:35:57Well, it went in the garden.

00:35:58If you kept your eyes open, you'd see where it went.

00:35:59You don't want a ghost than he is.

00:36:01Did he say he's just gone through the doors?

00:36:03No.

00:36:03The doors opened and let it in.

00:36:05Well, no.

00:36:05How do I know?

00:36:06That's their ghost doors.

00:36:08Ghost doors.

00:36:09I'll show you where they're ghosts or not.

00:36:10Come on, Opsich.

00:36:11Come on.

00:36:22Come on.

00:36:23Open up in the name of the law.

00:36:26Come on.

00:36:27It'll be all the worst for you if you don't.

00:36:29Well, what are you standing there for?

00:36:31I don't want to be afraid of.

00:36:32Look, I'll tell you what we'll do.

00:36:33You pull out the one door and I'll pull out the door.

00:36:35Oh, look.

00:36:36Oh, oh.

00:36:37What are you doing?

00:36:37Oh, oh.

00:36:38Where is it?

00:36:40Oh, oh.

00:36:42Well, that's funny.

00:36:44Where's he gone to?

00:36:45Well, he's gone right through and out the other side.

00:36:48Gone through the other side.

00:36:49Don't be ridiculous.

00:36:50Why, this is a solid wall.

00:36:53Hey, do you know where we are?

00:36:54No.

00:36:54This is the Squire's garage.

00:36:56Is it?

00:36:56Well, let's knock him up and send him.

00:36:58Tell him what.

00:36:58We're in these garage.

00:36:59Yeah, well, it's a bright idea, isn't it?

00:37:01Well, let's examine these walls properly.

00:37:05What?

00:37:06Yeah.

00:37:10Oh, no.

00:37:12Here.

00:37:13There.

00:37:14No one's doing something.

00:37:15Here.

00:37:15What's the matter?

00:37:16Oh, come on.

00:37:16No one's doing something.

00:37:17Yes?

00:37:18There's only three of us.

00:37:19And there's four shadows on the wall.

00:37:20Oh, yes.

00:37:21Yes.

00:37:22One, two, three.

00:37:24Oh, you're right, Jimmy.

00:37:26Yes.

00:37:26You're right.

00:37:27There's one over.

00:37:28I'll tell you something else.

00:37:29What?

00:37:30The old man out.

00:37:30Cut your head.

00:37:31Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

00:38:02Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

00:38:31Well, as a matter of fact, we've been out on a job.

00:38:35He says, what sort of a job?

00:38:36Tell him about the Edless Horseman.

00:38:38You think I should?

00:38:38Of course we've all seen him.

00:38:41You remember that story that Constable Harbottle told you about the ghost that made his teeth top out?

00:38:48Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

00:38:51Yes.

00:38:52Yes.

00:38:53It's all your fault, that is.

00:38:56Yes, I'm listening, Chief.

00:38:57I'm listening.

00:38:58Then stop giving me all this preposterous bilge about ghosts.

00:39:00Do you realise there's smuggling going on in your district?

00:39:03Smuggling?

00:39:04Oh, yes, we know all about that.

00:39:05Our witness must have been talking.

00:39:07Oh, we've got all the evidence.

00:39:08A whole kegful.

00:39:09Kegful.

00:39:10We've just been informed that whole boatloads have been smuggled in.

00:39:13Boatloads?

00:39:14Well, there must be real smugglers, then.

00:39:15I mean others.

00:39:17Now, listen.

00:39:18One of His Majesty's revenue cutters in Mid-Channel has observed a light in the neighbourhood of Turn Bottom Round.

00:39:23Yes.

00:39:24They believe this light's being used as a staring light for smugglers.

00:39:27Oh.

00:39:28Oh, dear.

00:39:29Albert, take this down.

00:39:31From the east side of Drake's seat to a point due north.

00:39:36From Shoe Hill off Turn Bottom Round.

00:39:38By north-east, west by north.

00:39:41Aye, aye, sir.

00:39:42Have you got all that?

00:39:43Have you spell aye, aye?

00:39:44Listen, Albert, you get the ordnance, ma'am.

00:39:46This is our big chance.

00:39:47If only we can stop that light of making a risk, then he can't sack us.

00:39:49You get the compass.

00:39:50Here, here.

00:39:51There's no telling where this will lead to.

00:39:52Might get us a promotion.

00:39:53Here, here's the compass.

00:39:55Ten minutes past.

00:39:55Well, that's all right.

00:39:56That doesn't matter.

00:39:56What do you mean it's ten minutes past?

00:39:58How can we find where we are with a thing like that?

00:40:00It's easy.

00:40:00You point the north to the north-west, then the north-east gives you south.

00:40:03Yeah, that's all right.

00:40:04But we want to go north.

00:40:05Give me those bearings.

00:40:06I'll find it.

00:40:07All right.

00:40:07Go on, then.

00:40:08Oh, look.

00:40:09There's the channel.

00:40:10There's a north rock, isn't it?

00:40:11Yeah, and there's the knock.

00:40:12Now, if we bring a line from there, that's...

00:40:14Evening, Albert.

00:40:16Oh, evening.

00:40:17Can I take my lamp down now, Sergeant?

00:40:19Down?

00:40:20Why, is Joe's grandmother...

00:40:22Here.

00:40:23Oh.

00:40:25She's much better now.

00:40:27Well, I'm glad about that, anyway.

00:40:29Well, you can find your own way up, can't you?

00:40:30We're very busy just now.

00:40:31All right.

00:40:32I'll get them, Sergeant.

00:40:34Who's that?

00:40:35Coastguard.

00:40:36I've never seen him round here before.

00:40:37What's he want?

00:40:38Well, when you were out courting, he came out here and told us that...

00:40:42Oh, you mind your own business.

00:40:44Go on, get on with your bearings.

00:40:45You found that light, Chief?

00:40:46Well, give us a chance of any just down Drake's seat.

00:40:48Oh, here we are.

00:40:50North by Point East.

00:40:51That brings us here.

00:40:53North East by Shoe Rock.

00:40:55That brings us here.

00:40:56Yes, well, what does it say where the lines intersect?

00:40:59It's just a police station.

00:41:01Police station?

00:41:03Well, that's ridiculous, isn't it?

00:41:05I mean, there's no lamp hanging...

00:41:09Oh, there.

00:41:11Didn't that bloke say something about fetching down a lamp?

00:41:13That's right.

00:41:14Yes.

00:41:15Ah, but still, that's nothing at all to do with it.

00:41:18That's for the fellow on the lighthouse.

00:41:19His grandmother's ill, you see.

00:41:20And as long as he can see that light,

00:41:21then he knows his grandmother hasn't started to burn.

00:41:23I mean, his grandmother hasn't put a light...

00:41:24Well, it's a signal for his grandmother, anyway.

00:41:26Well, it sounds fishy to me, though, isn't it?

00:41:27I'll tell you, buddy.

00:41:28Now, don't you start.

00:41:29Yeah, who's grandmother, is she?

00:41:30It's his brother, Joe's grandmother.

00:41:31Well, who's Joe?

00:41:32Joe's the fellow on the lighthouse.

00:41:33Yeah, I want to tell you something.

00:41:34You won't tell us anything.

00:41:35Listen, it's easy enough to check up.

00:41:37All we've got to do is to find out

00:41:38whether his brother, Joe, really keeps the lighthouse.

00:41:40Well, I don't want to tell you what I was going to tell you.

00:41:41Now, please.

00:41:42Oh, all right, peevish.

00:41:43Come on, what is it?

00:41:44Well, I've lived here 60 years,

00:41:45and I've never seen a lighthouse.

00:41:47No, neither have I.

00:41:48You haven't?

00:41:49Well, why didn't you tell me that

00:41:50when we let him put the light up

00:41:51instead of crying your eyes out?

00:41:52Oh, sorry for his poor old granny.

00:41:54Sorry for his granny.

00:41:55If he hasn't got a lighthouse,

00:41:56how can he have a granny?

00:41:56Well, I've got a granny,

00:41:57but I've never had a lighthouse.

00:41:59Oh.

00:42:02What shall we do?

00:42:03It's all right.

00:42:09Good night, all.

00:42:11Good night.

00:42:14Here, I thought you were going to deal with him.

00:42:16Well, what do you expect me to do, arrest him?

00:42:17Of course.

00:42:18Well, let everybody know

00:42:19that the light was on top of our police station.

00:42:20Well, that's a bright idea.

00:42:22Well, what are we going to do?

00:42:22Well, now we know how it's worked,

00:42:24we can plant the light on someone else.

00:42:25Look, look at him.

00:42:27Bring that line down here, you see,

00:42:29so that he puts the light on top of the pub.

00:42:33Whoo!

00:42:35It's a pebble.

00:42:36I wonder what they want to wrap it up for.

00:42:38Hey, give me that.

00:42:39There may be a message on it.

00:42:42Well, I like that.

00:42:43Fred Jackson Draper, turn bottom round.

00:42:46Let me Jackson advertising again.

00:42:48Well, that window's going to cost him one of sixpence anyway.

00:42:50Yeah, wait a minute.

00:42:51There's something on the other side.

00:42:52Huh?

00:42:53Keep your nose out of things that don't concern you.

00:42:57Dead men tell no tales.

00:42:59You have been warned.

00:43:00What's that?

00:43:01Have you been having a thing that don't say?

00:43:03Dead men tell no...

00:43:04Huh?

00:43:05Well, what does that mean?

00:43:06It couldn't be much plainer, could it?

00:43:08Yeah.

00:43:09Well, that's nonsense.

00:43:09They can't say no.

00:43:10We're the police.

00:43:12Besides, what could they do?

00:43:13Supposing that pebble had been a bomb, eh?

00:43:16Don't talk nonsense.

00:43:17This is England.

00:43:17They don't throw bombs here.

00:43:20Shh!

00:43:21What is it?

00:43:22Can I hear you a ticking sound?

00:43:23No.

00:43:25I can.

00:43:26It's the clock.

00:43:27What's the matter with you?

00:43:29Well, it can't be the clock.

00:43:30It's got no works.

00:43:31Well, what is it?

00:43:33The bombs.

00:43:37I can only hear it faintly now.

00:43:39Sounds very near to me.

00:43:41Oh, I think it's in here.

00:43:43I can hear it now.

00:43:44It's on with us out here.

00:43:48It's on you.

00:43:49I can't hear something.

00:43:56What are you all hiding for?

00:43:57Don't get there, do it, honey.

00:43:58It's in the fiber.

00:43:59What for?

00:43:59No, I want for it.

00:44:00Just do as you're told.

00:44:01I want to do it, Bob.

00:44:02So let's get the A.R. fish caught.

00:44:03Here you go.

00:44:04Oh.

00:44:05Now, it's in.

00:44:06Oh.

00:44:14There you are.

00:44:15That was a gallant deed.

00:44:16And you saw me do it.

00:44:18There.

00:44:26Hey, watches.

00:44:27Where did you get these?

00:44:28Oh, I picked that person up in the garage.

00:44:30Oh.

00:44:31Swiss watches.

00:44:32Here, I say, there'd be a duty on these.

00:44:34Supposing they were smuggled as well.

00:44:35What, you mean the hearse isn't a ghost after all?

00:44:37I'll tell you something else.

00:44:38Now, don't you start.

00:44:39I'm going to find out where that hearse has gone.

00:44:41There's far too much disappearing around here.

00:44:43First the keg, then the hearse.

00:44:44If only he wants him to disappear, we'd all be happy.

00:44:46Yes, but I wonder if he...

00:44:47Oh, shut up.

00:44:47Oh, I didn't want to hear about the lighthouse, did you?

00:44:50Well, I'll keep me secret to myself.

00:44:53Well, I don't suppose we've missed anything.

00:44:54It's about the earth.

00:44:56The legend says it has something to do with smuggling.

00:44:58Eh?

00:44:59What's that?

00:45:00Tells you how it was done and where they came from.

00:45:02Well, what is the legend?

00:45:03One text.

00:45:04Oh, come on, copy it up.

00:45:07It's in rhyme.

00:45:08All right.

00:45:10When the tide runs low in the devil's cove,

00:45:12and the endless horseman is seen above,

00:45:14he drives along with his wild hallowe,

00:45:16lickety-spit, lickety-spit.

00:45:18Lickety-spit, lickety-spit?

00:45:20Oh, yeah, I put that bit in because I forgot the last line.

00:45:23Well, try and remember it.

00:45:23They likely contain the clue to the whole thing.

00:45:25No, it's no good.

00:45:26That's why I put the spit in, see?

00:45:27Oh.

00:45:28Here.

00:45:29Would it be that he drives along with the wild hallowe

00:45:31and into the garage the whole lot go?

00:45:33Yeah?

00:45:33Into the garage.

00:45:34You might as well say,

00:45:35they go in the garage because they couldn't stop,

00:45:37flibbity-flop, flibbity-flop.

00:45:39No, that's not it.

00:45:41Listen, is there anybody who knows this last line?

00:45:43Yes, there's one man.

00:45:44Who?

00:45:44My father.

00:45:45Who?

00:45:45My father.

00:45:46Your father?

00:45:47Yeah.

00:45:48Hey, he's not the fellow that drives the hearse, is he?

00:45:49No.

00:45:50Well, how good would your father be to us anyway?

00:45:52Well, we can get in communication with him.

00:45:54What do you mean by wrapping on a table?

00:45:55No, wrapping on his door.

00:45:57You don't mean to tell me you've got a father living?

00:45:59Yes.

00:46:00Well, what do they hold the old fellow together with?

00:46:01Why?

00:46:02Where is this ancient?

00:46:03Up a long-term bottom west.

00:46:04Come on, I'll take it first.

00:46:05Come on, we're going to meet Adam.

00:46:19Who is it?

00:46:21Only me, Daddy.

00:46:23Well, don't stand over there.

00:46:25Come over here, where I can see you.

00:46:36Oh, it's you, is it?

00:46:37What are you doing here?

00:46:38School broken up?

00:46:40Here, who are you?

00:46:42I'm Sergeant Dougfoot of the local police.

00:46:43Oh, copper, eh?

00:46:45Well, what's the young rascal been up to this time?

00:46:46Breaking windows again?

00:46:48Breaking windows?

00:46:49What, at his age?

00:46:50Takes him all his time to break the bread to put in his milk.

00:46:52Well, what do you want to wake me up in this time of the night for?

00:46:55Eh?

00:46:55Well, it's like this then.

00:46:56Oh, you shut up.

00:46:57I'll tell him.

00:46:58You see, it's like this, Dad.

00:47:00We want your advice.

00:47:01Yes, we want to know the last line of an old rhyme.

00:47:04Oh, I know lots of old rhymes.

00:47:07Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:47:08Yes, I'll bet you do.

00:47:09But it's not one of those.

00:47:10Now, listen.

00:47:11When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove, and the headless horseman is seen above, as he drives along

00:47:17with a wild hello, something, something, something, oh.

00:47:21Now, do you remember it?

00:47:21Yes, I'll remember it.

00:47:23Yes, I'll remember it.

00:47:23When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove, and the headless horseman is seen above, he drives along with

00:47:30his wild hello.

00:47:57Oh, yes?

00:48:00Yes?

00:48:00Well, take your mind back.

00:48:01Take your mind back.

00:48:30That's the last line.

00:48:33That doesn't even rhyme.

00:48:34Oh, yes, it does.

00:48:36Now, listen.

00:48:37As he drives along with his wild hello, that's the time when the smugglers go out in their little boats

00:48:43and a schooner and bring back the kegs of brandy and rum and put them in the devil's cave below.

00:48:46Oh, see?

00:48:49That.

00:48:50Is that the line you couldn't remember?

00:48:51That's right.

00:48:52Oh, tell me, I'm not surprised.

00:48:54Yes, it's made me feel quite hoarse.

00:48:56I think I'll have a gum.

00:48:57Have one?

00:48:58Yes, made me hoarse listening to you.

00:49:00I'll have a black collant.

00:49:01Ah, dear.

00:49:02Black collants.

00:49:03Well, what's the matter there?

00:49:03Very nice.

00:49:04Don't you like them?

00:49:04No.

00:49:05I always put them back.

00:49:06Yes.

00:49:09Devil's cave below?

00:49:11Below what?

00:49:12Below the cliff.

00:49:13Cave below the cliff?

00:49:14I've never seen me cave.

00:49:15Ah, that's what I want.

00:49:16It's coming up.

00:49:17You never look when the tide's out.

00:49:19I've been there hundreds of times.

00:49:21Oh, what for?

00:49:22Smuggling.

00:49:23What?

00:49:25Well, you come of a nice family, don't you?

00:49:26Well, come on.

00:49:27The tide's low now.

00:49:28If we hurry, it might catch a smuggler's red-handed.

00:49:30Oh, no, you won't.

00:49:31They'd never find the channel.

00:49:33Oh, why not?

00:49:34Because the light they used to steer by doesn't hang there anymore.

00:49:37Ah, that's what you think.

00:49:39Well, kiss your daddy goodnight.

00:49:40We'll go.

00:49:41Here, don't hurry away.

00:49:42Stop and have a cup of tea.

00:49:44Ma!

00:49:45Ma!

00:49:46Hey, you don't want to tell me you've got a mother.

00:49:48Has he?

00:49:48No, that's his wife.

00:49:49He married again at 96.

00:49:51Oh, I see.

00:49:51Careful of it.

00:49:52Yes, well, go on.

00:49:54We haven't any time for tea.

00:49:55Aren't you going to see the old lady?

00:49:56Ha!

00:49:57Not likely.

00:49:57I'll stand for Adam, but I'm bloody if I'll stand for Eve.

00:50:01Goodnight, Daddy.

00:50:05Come on.

00:50:07Hey, get them in.

00:50:08The tide will be in in half an hour.

00:50:13Come on.

00:50:14Come on.

00:50:15Come on.

00:50:28There's a cove, but where's the cave?

00:50:31Oh, there it is.

00:50:33Oh.

00:50:35Look.

00:50:39Well, I wonder why we've never seen this place before.

00:50:41Well, it's time I've been this far.

00:50:42Well, that's a nice admission to make.

00:50:43This is part of your beat.

00:50:47Oops.

00:50:50Go on.

00:50:50Get your boots off.

00:50:51Go paddling in November.

00:50:53Oh, not me.

00:50:54Hey, do you realise this is your superior officer talking?

00:50:56Yeah, caught in a lot of bilge.

00:50:57Well, listen.

00:50:58You can go in with your boots on or your boots off, but you're going in anyway.

00:51:01Arthas, that's what you are.

00:51:02I want to catch that death of cove.

00:51:03It's too loud.

00:51:04That's what he did.

00:51:05It's too loud.

00:51:06Hey, look here.

00:51:07Look here.

00:51:09What's this?

00:51:13It's rum.

00:51:14There's two.

00:51:16Got me some more over there.

00:51:17We're on the right track.

00:51:18Yes, well, get it out of the water and put it up there.

00:51:19That's another little bit of evidence for it.

00:51:25Hey, I thought you said there was no lighthouse about here.

00:51:28That's not a lighthouse.

00:51:29It's revenue cutter.

00:51:31Are you sure they're policemen?

00:51:32Well, they've got police uniforms on and they're running a cargo all right.

00:51:35If that isn't a keg of liquor they're carrying, I'll eat my hat.

00:51:38Wait a minute.

00:51:38Give me those glasses.

00:51:40Oh, what are they ones?

00:51:41Probably looking for the smugglers.

00:51:43Oh, are they?

00:51:44Interfering.

00:51:44I see.

00:51:45Well, they are smugglers, but we're going to get them first.

00:51:47Go on, follow me.

00:51:57Hey, do you realise their police station's on the highest point around here?

00:52:01I'll bet that's where that light was.

00:52:03Tell Jones the radio door, Mr. Police, immediately.

00:52:05Right.

00:52:05Johnson.

00:52:06Huh?

00:52:07Lower the starboard belt.

00:52:08Hello.

00:52:09I say, don't you think we'd better turn back now?

00:52:12It's getting a bit deep here, you know?

00:52:13Deep?

00:52:13What do you mean deep?

00:52:14Your feet are still touching the bottom, aren't they?

00:52:16It's all right for you.

00:52:17You're taller than me.

00:52:18Well, hang on to our workspace and stop moaning.

00:52:21You better keep your chins up here.

00:52:22It dips a bit.

00:52:26They're cold.

00:52:35Well, our bottle's stopped moaning.

00:52:37How is he?

00:52:37Oh, he's all right.

00:52:38He's hanging on to my waist.

00:52:39Oh, good.

00:52:40Hey, he's under water.

00:52:41Get him up out of there.

00:52:43Hey, what are you doing down there, you chump?

00:52:46Oh, I swallowed that five gallons of water.

00:52:49Oh, it's a pity he didn't swallow some more.

00:52:51You'd have made it shallower.

00:52:52Well, climb on his shoulder, of course.

00:52:53Shoulder?

00:52:54Yes, that's right.

00:52:54Don't push me under.

00:52:56Up you go.

00:52:57Now, you carry it.

00:52:58What's the matter?

00:52:59What's the matter?

00:52:59Shrimp.

00:53:00Shrimp?

00:53:01Well, you carry this lap.

00:53:02That'll give you something to do.

00:53:04All right.

00:53:05Now, follow me.

00:53:07It's patrol boat D6, sir, reporting smuggling in Devil's Cave.

00:53:10Well, why don't they get in touch with the local police station?

00:53:13Sounds incredible, sir.

00:53:14And they think the local police are working in with the smugglers.

00:53:17What?

00:53:18It's ridiculous.

00:53:19Where is Devil's Cave?

00:53:21Low Turn Bottom Round, sir.

00:53:22Turn Bottom Round?

00:53:23Why, that's...

00:53:23I might have known.

00:53:24Call out the squad car.

00:53:25Yes, sir.

00:53:25Tell me to have some men down there right away.

00:53:29Oh, come on, hurry up.

00:53:31How can I hurry up with the old man in the sea on me back?

00:53:34Here, here, let's go out.

00:53:35Must have had to swim for it.

00:53:37Now you want him to swim for it.

00:53:38It won't get any deeper than this.

00:53:40Oh, no.

00:53:41Oh, oh.

00:53:42Here you are.

00:53:43Down there, let's swim.

00:53:44I didn't swim, I sunk.

00:53:46Oh, look.

00:53:46The landing stage.

00:53:47Oh, yes.

00:53:48Well, they've been doing a bit of landing there too, haven't they?

00:53:50Oh, yes.

00:53:56Oh, look, there's a tunnel here.

00:53:58Now we shall find out where they are.

00:54:00Well, there's another tunnel there.

00:54:02They're not even either way.

00:54:05I want to watch in all these.

00:54:09Oh, brandy.

00:54:10Flub.

00:54:11Gin.

00:54:12Oh, look.

00:54:13Here's a lot more.

00:54:15Perhaps somebody's going to open a tub down there.

00:54:17And who are they going to sell the stuff to?

00:54:19Mermaids?

00:54:19Well, look, there's a tunnel here.

00:54:20Oh, there's a tunnel there.

00:54:21We'd better toss up and see which one we'll take.

00:54:23Now heads, we go this way.

00:54:24And tails, we go home.

00:54:25Yeah, we don't go home until we've found the smugglers.

00:54:26Come on, give me a penny.

00:54:27I haven't got one.

00:54:28Penny, half a bit.

00:54:28Give me a money box.

00:54:29Well, we can't toss up with it.

00:54:30Hey.

00:54:32Cigarette end.

00:54:33Still burning, too.

00:54:36Oh, Turkish.

00:54:37Hey, hey, don't smoke it.

00:54:39That's a clue.

00:54:40Well, this proves they've gone this way, doesn't it?

00:54:41Yeah.

00:54:41All right, come on off.

00:54:42All right, all right.

00:54:49Push, push, push, push.

00:54:51Come on, put some beef in it.

00:54:54Oh.

00:54:58Well, we're getting somewhere, anyway.

00:54:59I thought those steps would never end.

00:55:01Yeah.

00:55:01Oh, I see.

00:55:03Hey, look at all these barrels here.

00:55:05Oh, yes.

00:55:06Looks as if we struck a beer mine.

00:55:07Have you ever learned of a beer mine?

00:55:09I don't know.

00:55:10You say mine's a beer.

00:55:11Yours will be a thick ear if you don't shut up.

00:55:14There.

00:55:14There's a box of candles.

00:55:15Well, that's a funny thing to smuggle.

00:55:17There's no duty on candles.

00:55:19Ah, perhaps they come from abroad.

00:55:20They may be Roman candles.

00:55:21Well, I wonder what's in that place.

00:55:22Oh, soap.

00:55:23Soap, how do you know?

00:55:24Why, because mine comes in a case like this.

00:55:26Test soap.

00:55:27Ah, but very likely the soaps when it camouflages.

00:55:28No, it isn't.

00:55:29It's fast deal.

00:55:30Oh, look, there's a label on the side.

00:55:31It's so aligned.

00:55:35Hey, it's got your name on it.

00:55:36Has it?

00:55:36Yes.

00:55:37So what's it doing down here?

00:55:38Ah, that's what I'd like to know.

00:55:39So would I.

00:55:39Oh, look.

00:55:42Here.

00:55:42This is the box I'll keep my happy ochre in.

00:55:45Somebody must have raided our cellar.

00:55:46Yeah, it looks like it, isn't it?

00:55:48What?

00:55:48Raided our cellar.

00:55:50Hey, can't you see where we are?

00:55:51Huh?

00:55:52We're in our cellar.

00:55:53Oh.

00:55:54Oh.

00:55:55So we are.

00:55:55Oh, there's impudence.

00:55:57All right, that's storing the stuff in our own cellar.

00:55:59Here.

00:55:59Oh, but they're not going to get away with that.

00:56:00I'll show them.

00:56:01No, that's not it.

00:56:02Oh, I'll tell you.

00:56:02What?

00:56:02We'll ask it up, sell the stuff, and teach them a lesson.

00:56:05What?

00:56:05Get ten years?

00:56:06Oh, no fear.

00:56:07We're going to phone the chief constable.

00:56:09All right.

00:56:21Hello.

00:56:22Hello.

00:56:23Get me door, Mr. 6666.

00:56:25Chief constable.

00:56:25Yes, this is urgent.

00:56:27Let's see what evidence we've got.

00:56:28We've got all that stuff in the cellar.

00:56:29These three watches.

00:56:30And the Turkish bag end.

00:56:31Oh, the Turkish bag end.

00:56:32Yes, I forgot that.

00:56:33Yes.

00:56:33Yes, well, not many people around here smoke that kind of cigarette.

00:56:36This ought to be easy to trace.

00:56:37Yes.

00:56:40Cigarette?

00:56:41Oh, the squire.

00:56:42Oh, you gave me quite a shock.

00:56:44Oh, I say, that's funny.

00:56:45You smoke the same kind of cigarettes as our clue does.

00:56:47So it seems.

00:56:48Yes.

00:56:49Well, that's very lucky.

00:56:50You may be able to help us.

00:56:51You think I might?

00:56:52Yes.

00:56:52I say, this is going to come as a shock to you,

00:56:55but there's smuggling going on around here.

00:56:57I know.

00:56:59What, do you mean you know who it is?

00:57:00Yes.

00:57:01It's me.

00:57:03You?

00:57:04You're joking.

00:57:05No, no, I'm not.

00:57:06And I'd advise you once again to keep your nose out of it.

00:57:08It'll be healthier for you.

00:57:11Healthier?

00:57:11Oh.

00:57:12Well, you mean that all this is...

00:57:15Oh, dear.

00:57:16What an itch.

00:57:17Hello?

00:57:18That's the Chief Constable.

00:57:19I wouldn't answer if I were you.

00:57:20Don't forget that the contraband is stored in your own cellar

00:57:23and that the light was hung on top of your own police station.

00:57:27Oh.

00:57:28I see his point.

00:57:29Yes, well, I don't.

00:57:30It's against the law and I put my hands to the plough and...

00:57:33And what?

00:57:34Oh, well, I've taken them off again.

00:57:36Here, that's our evidence.

00:57:37Shut up.

00:57:39Hello.

00:58:08Huh?

00:58:09Some time.

00:58:10Who are you?

00:58:10I'll get it.

00:58:11Oh, yes.

00:58:11Come on, hurry up.

00:58:12Tell me, George.

00:58:12You've got a lot to do.

00:58:13I'll let you...

00:58:13You see my...

00:58:15You...

00:58:17You can't get away with this.

00:58:18I'll get you ten years, each of you.

00:58:20I know you all by sight.

00:58:21Yes.

00:58:21Well, you mark my word.

00:58:22You won't be long before I'm looking at you all through barge.

00:58:25Yes.

00:58:27Hurry up, boys.

00:58:28Chief!

00:58:29Chief!

00:58:30Yes, what is it, Harry?

00:58:31Wherever you men are on to us, they're ready for the cave.

00:58:34Quick, boys, take all you can.

00:58:35We'll have to leave the rest.

00:58:46Oh, boys, how do you like that?

00:58:47Shut it.

00:58:48Stop it.

00:58:48Wait a minute.

00:58:50What do you want to let them take the key for?

00:58:51I couldn't help it.

00:58:52They were kneeling on my stomach.

00:58:53Well, do you realise what this means?

00:58:54We've got to about all the time they'll pass together.

00:59:03Look at that lot.

00:59:04They can't be far away.

00:59:05Signal the second boat part in.

00:59:34Have you got any idea of how we can get out of this place?

00:59:35Yes.

00:59:36Take the bar out.

00:59:37Oh, I see.

00:59:37Was it just like to just bite through one or something?

00:59:39No, the one that's loose.

00:59:40You know, the one we used as a poker.

00:59:41Well, which is it?

00:59:42Yeah.

00:59:44Oh, that's fine.

00:59:50I've got to go first.

00:59:51All right, all right, go on.

00:59:52Here you are.

00:59:52Take these.

00:59:53Come on.

00:59:54Wait, wait, wait.

00:59:54Wait for me.

00:59:55Wait for me.

00:59:56Come on.

00:59:57Ow.

00:59:58Oh.

00:59:59Oh.

01:00:00Oh.

01:00:01Oh.

01:00:01Oh, come on.

01:00:02Oh, gosh.

01:00:03Now we're going after them, the Five Oaks coffers.

01:00:05Come on.

01:00:10Come on, now.

01:00:10Clank it up.

01:00:11Come on.

01:00:11Clank it up.

01:00:12Come on.

01:00:16Oh, car break, can't you?

01:00:18Have a nice swing here unless you swing it, too.

01:00:20All right, go on, go on, go on.

01:00:21Come on.

01:00:22That's it.

01:00:25What?

01:00:25She won't start unless you choke her.

01:00:27How can we choke her when we're all here?

01:00:28Well, how about we can.

01:00:29All right.

01:00:30Come in.

01:00:37Hey.

01:00:38Hey.

01:00:39What are you trying to do?

01:00:40Choke the engine or choke me?

01:00:42Well, don't go to sleep.

01:00:43There.

01:00:43Get in the car.

01:00:44Go on.

01:00:51Move over.

01:00:51Here.

01:00:52Here.

01:00:52Hang in.

01:00:53Wait for me.

01:00:54No, no, no.

01:00:55We're not going to go.

01:00:56Go on.

01:00:56Get up, Curtis.

01:01:08Don't you run any faster.

01:01:09You're nearly pulling my arm off.

01:01:11I'm only touching the ground.

01:01:13No, I'm in.

01:01:13Well, when you do touch the ground, jump farther.

01:01:16I can't.

01:01:17I can't.

01:01:17Oh.

01:01:21Why don't you jump on the running board?

01:01:22No, no, no.

01:01:24There isn't one there.

01:01:25Well, jump on the bracket.

01:01:30There was all red.

01:01:39Ah, you're just in time, sir.

01:01:42There's a tunnel leading from the sea right into the cellar here, sir.

01:01:45And it's packed with contraband.

01:01:46Find out if Doug puts on the premises.

01:01:47Yes, sir.

01:01:48Let's have a look at this.

01:01:49Yes, sir.

01:01:50Hey.

01:01:51Pull up.

01:01:54There they are.

01:01:56Cool.

01:02:02Well, this looks like the last trip, sir.

01:02:08There's your headless horseman for you.

01:02:09Shall we fill in the hole, sir?

01:02:11No, don't bother.

01:02:11Tip the hearse from the quarry and scatter.

01:02:13Right, sir.

01:02:15I'll get in touch with you boys later from London.

01:02:22Oh.

01:02:27Hey, go on.

01:02:28Kill that lot.

01:02:36The missing car is a Black Morris.

01:02:39Number FN8429.

01:02:41There are three once men in it.

01:02:43Right.

01:02:44Goodbye.

01:02:45Goodbye, sir.

01:02:49Well, how am I going to get after it without any petrol?

01:02:51All right, keep this shirt on. We've got another can in the bank.

01:02:53Well, hop out and get it. Go on.

01:02:57Come on.

01:03:00Come on.

01:03:02Wait a minute.

01:03:10What's that noise?

01:03:11It's the radio. I turned it on. May as well have a bit of music.

01:03:13Music?

01:03:14I mean, I don't think we've got enough on our minds. I don't happen to listen to that rubbish.

01:03:17Ow! Steady, aren't they? I made me spill it.

01:03:20Well, why don't you use a funnel?

01:03:21I haven't got a funnel.

01:03:22Well, use a bit of imagination.

01:03:24Here.

01:03:25Here, I'll use that.

01:03:28All right.

01:03:30That's it.

01:03:31Calling all police patrols.

01:03:33Who said that?

01:03:34Hey, that's a police message.

01:03:36Keep watch for and stop Black Morris Tourer number FN8429.

01:03:42Police travelling towards London.

01:03:44Oh, London Road. That's this road.

01:03:46Yeah.

01:03:46Hey, if we keep our eyes open, we might catch them as well, eh?

01:03:49Yeah.

01:03:49I will repeat that.

01:03:51Car number FN8429.

01:03:54You get that number?

01:03:55Got it.

01:03:56Huh.

01:03:57We've had it all the time.

01:03:59Oh.

01:03:59Yeah.

01:04:00Oh.

01:04:01Well, I wonder what they want us for.

01:04:02Probably they've heard about old Joe's grandmother.

01:04:04The car is driven by three wanted police officers.

01:04:07Wait.

01:04:07Their arrest is essential.

01:04:09Oh, dear.

01:04:10I will repeat that.

01:04:11Oh, don't bother.

01:04:12We heard you the first time.

01:04:13I did, innit?

01:04:14Get out of the way.

01:04:15We don't use this car because they know it, you see.

01:04:17So we shove it down the side road, then get a lift from somebody.

01:04:19Go on.

01:04:20What's all right?

01:04:20Go on.

01:04:20Off you go.

01:04:21Go on.

01:04:21I'll steer it.

01:04:22Go on.

01:04:23Shove us!

01:04:30Hey, look.

01:04:31There's something coming.

01:04:32Well, there's something.

01:04:33Give it that helmet.

01:04:34There you are.

01:04:34Go on.

01:04:34Quick.

01:04:35There you are.

01:04:41What have you got in that tin?

01:04:43Only milk, sir.

01:04:44Yeah.

01:04:44Milk?

01:04:45Oh, this time of the morning?

01:04:47I will deliver it this time, sir.

01:04:49Oh, well, it looks highly suspicious to me.

01:04:52And to me.

01:04:53Me too.

01:04:54Hey, sir.

01:04:54Where's your milk book?

01:04:55My what, sir?

01:04:57Your milk book.

01:04:57You know, the book you put your milk in.

01:04:59I haven't got one, sir.

01:05:01Oh, yes.

01:05:02I've got a milk book.

01:05:03Well, you can't go around the country milking without a milk book.

01:05:06You go and get one immediately.

01:05:07Yes, sir.

01:05:08Oh, no.

01:05:09Leave your bicycle where it is.

01:05:10We'll look after that.

01:05:11Well, off you go and run all the way.

01:05:19Go, go, go.

01:05:32The lorry ahead, sir.

01:05:33Shall we question the driver?

01:05:34No, we haven't time with that.

01:05:35Get in front of it.

01:05:35Right, sir.

01:05:45there they are

01:05:46let's go

01:05:47let's go

01:05:48see the tail light

01:05:50open up the throttle

01:05:51we'll never catch them

01:05:52at this speed

01:05:52and take your beard

01:05:53out of the milk

01:05:58put the brakes on

01:06:00I've got them all

01:06:01put your feet on the ground

01:06:03I've got them

01:06:03look out

01:06:04oh

01:06:04oh dear

01:06:08hold me

01:06:09hold

01:06:10oh

01:06:11tell me what you've done

01:06:12well it was your fault

01:06:13messing about with the handlebars

01:06:15here here

01:06:15what's the idea

01:06:17can you see the signal

01:06:19this will cost you something

01:06:20I'll report you

01:06:22I'll report you

01:06:23see if I don't

01:06:24you'll need more about this

01:06:26hey look

01:06:28let's knock off this van

01:06:29hey we can't go about

01:06:30knocking off people's property

01:06:31besides there may be

01:06:32somebody in it

01:06:33you're right

01:06:34well get in there

01:06:35what are you arguing about

01:06:36call

01:06:46hey I thought you said there was nobody in this

01:06:49well I didn't see anyone

01:06:51woo

01:06:52here's a bit of fun

01:06:53we're on a coffee store

01:06:54coffee store

01:06:55cool

01:06:55so it is

01:06:56I'm going to climb around

01:06:57so we can find any pork pies

01:06:58hey we've got to catch that lorry

01:07:00no time to worry about pork pies

01:07:03there's our lorry

01:07:06hey

01:07:07there's a van tailing us

01:07:08and it's got three coppers in it

01:07:11behind me

01:07:11it's done

01:07:13you take that next turning down to the left

01:07:14we'll check him off

01:07:15all right

01:07:16we'll hold tight

01:07:22come on back up a bit

01:07:23back up

01:07:23they can't get away with it

01:07:25they didn't even put his hand down

01:07:33shake them off yet

01:07:37no

01:07:38they're still after us

01:07:39all right

01:07:40I'll turn you like that

01:07:42hey

01:07:43left honey

01:07:44gone

01:07:44what do you mean gone

01:07:45that's what left the road

01:07:46what do you think they've done

01:07:47driven up a three

01:07:48they say you're following something

01:07:49that ain't there

01:07:49no let's get inside and have a good blowout

01:07:51hey

01:07:51here maybe that wanted car will come by

01:07:53what wanted car

01:07:54you know the one they spoke of over the while

01:07:56it's FN8429

01:07:59FN8429

01:07:59I mean that's our own car isn't it

01:08:00let's remember we shoved it up a side road

01:08:03FN8429

01:08:04if you don't shut up you will be R.I.B. 82

01:08:06go on now

01:08:07that sounds blimey

01:08:21hey wake up wake up wake up

01:08:23what's the idea of being asleep on duty

01:08:25what do you see that he was actually asleep

01:08:27he'll sleep when he's up

01:08:29hey wake up will you

01:08:30wake up

01:08:35there you are

01:08:36you ditched this now

01:08:37never aren't you

01:08:38if I was driving alright while I was asleep

01:08:40it's you waking me up

01:08:42you're having a bit of bad luck aren't you

01:08:44bad luck I'm chained to it

01:08:49how much longer are you going to be

01:08:51ok boss we're all set now

01:08:52alright

01:09:07hey

01:09:08stay down Lily

01:09:09look

01:09:09come on

01:09:28hey can you give me a bit more room

01:09:29I've never driven one of these things before

01:09:31I can't help it

01:09:32this wasn't made for three people

01:09:33it wasn't made for one your size

01:09:43there's a bus spot in us now

01:09:48it's got it stuck foot again

01:09:59the stolen bus has just come by

01:10:00heading for the waybridge road

01:10:03calling all cars

01:10:04what is about seeing in waybridge district

01:10:06proceed to that area

01:10:17that's the right of the best company about this

01:10:19they never stop with the authorized species

01:10:20well you queue up and then we'll run like pleases

01:10:24oh go on there's a green line

01:10:26I know I know I'm not colour blind

01:10:28the bus won't stop

01:10:29I know what's wrong

01:10:30what

01:10:30we haven't run the belt

01:10:31haven't run the belt

01:10:44oh go on there

01:10:45shut up

01:10:45I've got it stuck right to the road as you have

01:10:47what's he playing at

01:10:50get out of here

01:10:51hey what are you doing

01:10:56what's the matter

01:10:57somebody behind us

01:10:58someone behind us

01:10:59we've got a full house

01:11:04hey where did all those people come from

01:11:05they must have got on when we stopped

01:11:07well now they're on they can stay on

01:11:11wait for that conductor comes down

01:11:13I'll not have complaints about this

01:11:31get out police

01:11:32what are they doing stop

01:11:33no

01:11:34time left

01:11:59they're going to be parked

01:12:01look do them at the wrong time

01:12:02they're going to speak like that

01:12:04did anybody think there was a ring

01:12:08I'm in your right

01:12:08we need the right place

01:12:10oh fuck you

01:12:14oh come on

01:12:15come on

01:12:16come on

01:12:20oh

01:12:23there we have to do a thing on that

01:12:26look out there there lorry

01:12:29wait it over

01:12:30run there

01:12:30don't have to do a thing

01:12:50no you don't have to do a thing on that

01:12:50oh you had a nice walk around now you're for it

01:12:52hey it's not as you want it

01:12:53here please don't let him get away

01:13:01oh no you don't get those three stones at once

01:13:03hey hey it's not me

01:13:04this is the man you want

01:13:06yes

01:13:07here he's not

01:13:07it's full of true bandits

01:13:08right right so there's gunners of it running all over the place

01:13:11fantastic

01:13:12are you accusing me of smuggling

01:13:14yes I am

01:13:15that's outrageous

01:13:16you're the smuggler and you know it

01:13:17that's a fib

01:13:18but he's always selling fib

01:13:19shut up you

01:13:21I've seen you before somewhere haven't I

01:13:23no

01:13:24that's another fib

01:13:25and I can prove it too

01:13:26you remember the day when I knocked you on the head

01:13:27and kidded you you'd run your car into a shop window

01:13:30well this is the fellow that came and backed us up

01:13:32said it was an accident

01:13:32so you admitted you

01:13:33blackguard

01:13:34yes but look what we've done since

01:13:36caught the smugglers and everything

01:13:37rest a lot of them

01:13:38hey wait a minute

01:13:39will you tell me that you are told me

01:13:40you figure that

01:13:41well hold

01:13:41get it

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended