- 10 hours ago
In the Army Now 1994 ‧ Comedy⧸War [Full Movie] [Vertical Drama]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:01See how I just blow those guys? Look, and there's the thing.
00:00:04Look up, look up, look up!
00:00:05No under-
00:00:06Huh?
00:00:09Game over you again!
00:00:11Shouldn't we get back to work?
00:00:12I'm working. Look, I'm testing on new products.
00:00:15What are you so paranoid for anyways? Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.
00:00:18Look, Quinn's gonna fire your ass from this place.
00:00:21Do you think I'm scared of that?
00:00:22What is he? Looks like a lurch.
00:00:25I'm Quinn.
00:00:26Are you afraid of him? No.
00:00:28Bones!
00:00:30Quinn's looking for you.
00:00:32I told him you were playing video games.
00:00:34Here, hold this, okay? I gotta do something.
00:00:36Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?
00:00:38Bop, bop, bop!
00:01:05This is all for you. See all the money I'm saving?
00:01:09Wow, Quinn, look at you. You're looking fantastic. Is that a new suit?
00:01:12It's gotta be Armando.
00:01:15Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Well, at least you wear it well.
00:01:19Is that brood I smell?
00:01:20What did we say about leaving the sales floor?
00:01:24You told me not to, and I won't. If this place catches fire, I'm selling tape decks to the firemen.
00:01:29You're not selling anything to anybody. That's why we're letting you go.
00:01:33Where?
00:01:33Home.
00:01:34No, no, no, Quinn. Hey, hey, you can't fire me. Come on. I'm a crazy boy. I'm a dedicated crazy
00:01:39boy.
00:01:40Bones, let's not drag this out.
00:01:41No, Quinn, hey, look. Come on, please. I mean, my rent's due. My mom, she needs another tummy tuck. Please,
00:01:47come on.
00:01:47No, Bones. No, not this time.
00:01:49Please, there's a lot of personal things. Please don't let me. Please don't let me go, Quinn. I could be
00:01:54crazier.
00:01:55Let go of my life.
00:01:56I could be totally insane.
00:02:00Bones, let go of my life.
00:02:01Bones, you have a customer waiting.
00:02:05You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn. I have a customer. A customer who evidently asked for me by name.
00:02:15Hi. May I help you, miss?
00:02:16Yes. You sold me this watchman last week, and I'm afraid I have to return it.
00:02:21See, I knew you'd be returning it. It's too small to ruin your eyesight.
00:02:25And besides, I can tell the one you really want is this one.
00:02:27This is our top of the line.
00:02:29Our very best 35-inch projection stereo color monitor with advanced super digital PMP.
00:02:36I'm sorry. That's way out of my price range.
00:02:38Not with our $200 rebate. No money down. 10-month deferred, 64-month layaway plan.
00:02:43You ask yourself, how could it be? Right?
00:02:47Because we're a crazy voice.
00:02:51Sorry, they make us do that.
00:02:52That's a very nice offer, but this is just...
00:02:55Plus this screen, though, it promotes good eyesight.
00:02:58Really?
00:02:59Uh-huh. Four out of five optometrists recommend it.
00:03:03Okay. I'll take it.
00:03:06Okay. Here you go.
00:03:07Fantastic. I'm gonna take this to the cashier, and I'm gonna arrange everything.
00:03:11Thank you very much.
00:03:12Come to the front. You're needed for a carry-out.
00:03:15Huh?
00:03:17Hmm?
00:03:18Come on. Am I not still a crazy boy?
00:03:23That is brute I smell, you pervert.
00:03:30Bones!
00:03:35Come on.
00:03:42Gabriella, you were outstanding.
00:03:44Yeah, right. This is the last time I save your butt. Okay? I work, too, you know?
00:03:49I know. It was an emergency. The guy was about to fire me.
00:03:52Right. It's always an emergency. They better take that TV back.
00:03:55Hey, they're gonna take it back.
00:03:57Now, how about just giving your little Italian sausage man a little kissy-poo?
00:04:03Chad, the U.S. has issued strong warnings that...
00:04:08You are so irresponsible.
00:04:11You should be serious for one minute.
00:04:13It's okay. I'll be serious. Let's get naked.
00:04:17Not now. Not here.
00:04:19Why? Don't you love me anymore?
00:04:21Yes, yes, of course I love you.
00:04:23Yeah, but look, your boss is gonna catch us.
00:04:27I don't care about that perverted fat's on a JCPenney suit.
00:04:32Bones!
00:04:34Jack, turn it off.
00:04:35Turn it off!
00:04:47Well, I can't...
00:04:54I can't believe he actually fired us.
00:04:57Oh, come on. Bones, we blew up 22 TV sets.
00:05:00Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?
00:05:01I'm sorry, man. You know, I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all those TVs.
00:05:05No problemo, my friend. I was sick of getting down on my knees for that guy anyways.
00:05:10Whoa. Bones. I had no idea.
00:05:13Begging for my job.
00:05:15You know what, Jack, though? This is amazing. You know what this does?
00:05:18Yeah.
00:05:19This brings us one step closer to the, uh, store.
00:05:23No, no, no. What this does is it brings us one step closer to living in the dumpster.
00:05:27How are we gonna get the rent for the store if we don't have rent for our apartment?
00:05:31Excuse me, can we play through?
00:05:33Yeah.
00:05:35Sorry, we're just...
00:05:36Disgusting.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:42Hey, Army!
00:05:44Navy!
00:05:45Air Force!
00:05:46Marines!
00:05:47No.
00:05:48Did you order a code red?
00:05:51Answer me! Did you order a code red, man?
00:05:54You want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
00:05:57Yay. He's goofing off.
00:06:00Wow, that was my Nicholson impression.
00:06:03Good.
00:06:04I do it sometimes when I play golf.
00:06:08Bones, come on, man.
00:06:09See, I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.
00:06:11When you join the Army, is it true that you have to give your whole life away?
00:06:14Nah, something like that with us.
00:06:16We're in the reserves.
00:06:18What's that?
00:06:20Let's just get this straight here.
00:06:22After our basic training, we owe you two weeks a year, one week and a month, for which we get
00:06:26paid.
00:06:27And then on top of it, you're gonna throw in $2,500 just for signing up?
00:06:33Basically, yes.
00:06:35Wow.
00:06:36Well, then how come everybody isn't in the reserves?
00:06:39Do people actually know about this stuff?
00:06:42Well, we do try to advertise.
00:06:45Oh, yeah, it's not a job, it's an adventure.
00:06:48No, that's the Navy.
00:06:50The few and the proud?
00:06:51No, that's the Marines.
00:06:53Keep going, going, and gone?
00:06:55No, no, that's the Energizer, buddy.
00:06:58Gentlemen, we're be-all-you-can-be.
00:07:01Yeah.
00:07:02In the Army.
00:07:05You need us, and we need you.
00:07:07It's a win-win situation.
00:07:09I got one more question.
00:07:11Can I get a pen?
00:07:12Oh, no, actually, could we just have a second, uh, amongst ourselves?
00:07:16Certainly.
00:07:17Take all the time you need.
00:07:19Just hold that ballpoint.
00:07:23Whew.
00:07:25This is insane!
00:07:27Why doesn't everybody join when you're listening to him in there?
00:07:30Shh.
00:07:31It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.
00:07:34Oh, my God, you're going nuts.
00:07:35Okay, we are the beneficiaries.
00:07:37We get a guaranteed check for eight years and a special skill.
00:07:41A special skill.
00:07:42Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:07:43Look at the payments.
00:07:44Here we go.
00:07:45Land combat missile op.
00:07:48Opportunities.
00:07:48Tactical fire specialist.
00:07:50You heard him talking about combat pay, right?
00:07:52You know, you have to be in combat to get paid for that, right?
00:07:56He said reserves aren't called up unless there's a major conflict.
00:07:59When was the last war, huh?
00:08:01Yeah.
00:08:02World War II?
00:08:02No.
00:08:03Twenty years ago.
00:08:04Have you ever heard of Vietnam?
00:08:06Huh?
00:08:06Desert storm?
00:08:08No.
00:08:08Uh-uh.
00:08:09What?
00:08:10I'm kidding.
00:08:11Give me the brochure.
00:08:12We're going to go to the unemployment office.
00:08:14No, just let me see.
00:08:15Let me just try it.
00:08:16Tank tour repair, land mining specialist, water purification?
00:08:21Water purification.
00:08:23That's it.
00:08:24What?
00:08:25Water purification.
00:08:26I'm telling you it's a snap.
00:08:27My brother's a pool man.
00:08:29Hey, look.
00:08:29You take dirty water and you make it clean.
00:08:32How hard can that be?
00:08:33I don't know.
00:08:34And hey, if there is a war, what are we going to go in there with?
00:08:37Water balloons?
00:08:40That's...
00:08:40I mean, but...
00:08:41But...
00:08:41Yeah.
00:08:42This is for our future.
00:08:44Okay.
00:08:44I'll even give you first billing.
00:08:45If we could sign up right now, we'd get a guarantee check for $2,500.
00:08:48A few times that times do.
00:08:50Wow.
00:08:53That's $6,000.
00:08:56That's a nice chunk of change.
00:08:57Yeah.
00:08:58But...
00:08:59Hey.
00:09:00This is for our storm.
00:09:03Yeah.
00:09:04Look, I'll even give you first billing.
00:09:06No, you don't have to do that.
00:09:07Jacks and bones and sp...
00:09:10Oh.
00:09:11Alice's Stareos.
00:09:13I did too much.
00:09:13Alright, alright, alright.
00:09:14Let's do it.
00:09:15Ah...
00:09:16Yes!
00:09:42Good night.
00:09:47Um, see, everybody knows me for my hair.
00:09:55Okay, what I need you to do is just a little bit on the side, not a whole bunch, and
00:09:59kind
00:10:00of keep, boy, it can soak still.
00:10:01I'd like to see you in something short but sassy, a real 90s look, something that works
00:10:05as well on the rifle range as it does in the disco.
00:10:08Okay, that's perfect.
00:10:12Get a haircut and get a real job.
00:10:16All right.
00:10:29My head, I mean, look at it.
00:10:33Does it look bigger than it?
00:10:36Do I look like a big potato?
00:10:38Honestly?
00:10:38Yeah, honestly.
00:10:39It looks great.
00:10:41It really does.
00:10:42Really?
00:10:42Really.
00:10:43Really?
00:10:44It looks macho.
00:10:46All right.
00:10:47Look at these, man.
00:10:48Look at these.
00:10:50Army issue.
00:10:51See, I think those are unique.
00:10:53Idiotic.
00:10:54No, those are unique.
00:10:55See, you're distinctive.
00:10:56No one has them.
00:10:57Really?
00:10:58You're king.
00:10:59All right.
00:10:59One of a kind.
00:11:01They broke them all when they made you, Jack.
00:11:22Mom, I can't do it.
00:11:24Jack, come on.
00:11:25I can't do it, man.
00:11:26I can't do it.
00:11:27This is just like your childhood, remember?
00:11:32Yeah.
00:11:33Yeah, you're right.
00:11:34You're right.
00:11:34That guy is exactly like my dad.
00:11:36See?
00:11:37Come on.
00:11:38Wait a minute, though.
00:11:39My childhood sucked.
00:11:40No, I can't do it, man.
00:11:41I can't handle being yelled at by some muscle-bound drill sergeant.
00:11:46No, man.
00:11:46I can't do it.
00:11:48Get the hell off the truck.
00:11:53Oh, whoa.
00:11:55She can drill me any time.
00:11:57On the double right now.
00:11:59Come on.
00:11:59Move it.
00:12:00Move it.
00:12:00Hello, sweet pants.
00:12:02Get down here.
00:12:03Get down here.
00:12:05Rough stuff.
00:12:06Okay.
00:12:07And take those glasses off.
00:12:08What do you think you want something?
00:12:09Beat yourself up?
00:12:10No.
00:12:10What's your name, private?
00:12:11Bones car.
00:12:12We're reporting for duty, sir.
00:12:14All right.
00:12:15I mean, man, sergeant.
00:12:17Whatever.
00:12:17You will address me as drill sergeant.
00:12:21Don't you understand?
00:12:25Yes, but you don't need to yell, because look, I'm standing right here.
00:12:28I'm not yelling at you, private.
00:12:30Drill sergeants do not yell.
00:12:31We simply speak in a voice loud enough so everyone can hear.
00:12:34That way we all learn from each other's mistakes.
00:12:37Oh, okay.
00:12:38Thanks for explaining it.
00:12:40From here on out, your butt is mine.
00:12:42You will obey every order without question.
00:12:48Grunt.
00:12:51Oh, you a funny boy, huh?
00:12:54Cutie pie, right?
00:12:55Well, I don't know you, but I don't even like you.
00:12:57And I make it my personal mission to turn you into a soldier.
00:13:01For the next eight weeks, I'll be all over your butt like white old rice.
00:13:06Is that a promise?
00:13:09Give me 20.
00:13:11I want my wallet.
00:13:13Drop and give me 20.
00:13:14I can't hold this.
00:13:15Boy, you better get on that ground and give me them push-ups.
00:13:17Ah, it's been a while.
00:13:21All the way up and down, right?
00:13:24Pump!
00:13:27One!
00:13:29Is that good?
00:13:37Get up!
00:13:39Get up!
00:13:42Everybody up!
00:13:46On your feet!
00:13:48I'm going to crash right now, sleeping beauties!
00:13:56Get your butt off that rack!
00:13:59Get your butt off that rack!
00:14:06Get your butt off!
00:14:08I'm off!
00:14:10I'm off!
00:14:11I'm off!
00:14:12Next chance to the Lamb!
00:14:14Next chance to the Lamb!
00:14:16All right!
00:14:17Go!
00:14:19Go!
00:14:22Go!
00:14:22All right, everybody.
00:14:23I'm going to be there.
00:14:24I'm going to be in Grassfield.
00:14:25Happy to everybody and play.
00:14:26Bronson, go, go!
00:14:39Jack.
00:14:40Yeah.
00:14:43Where'd the sun go?
00:14:45There is no sun anymore, Bones.
00:14:48The sun is gone.
00:14:51We died, and this is hell.
00:14:53Okay, thanks for splitting.
00:14:56Come on, come on, come on.
00:15:00Private, he's got that weapon around backwards.
00:15:04Thanks.
00:15:14See the picture on the front of this weapon?
00:15:20It's put there for privates like you.
00:15:25It's idiot proof.
00:15:28Damn it!
00:15:30It's not dead!
00:15:33The gig line runs down the seam of your shirt, through the edge of your belt buckle, down the seam
00:15:38of your zipper.
00:15:39This is a straight gig line.
00:15:42See it.
00:15:44Learn it.
00:15:45Do it.
00:15:52From here on out, anyone without a straight gig line will have to answer to me.
00:16:02Conway.
00:16:04What the hell is this?
00:16:06Just sergeant.
00:16:07I guess my gig line needs straightening, huh?
00:16:09Come on.
00:16:12Oh.
00:16:13Mm.
00:16:16Oh.
00:16:18Thank you, just sergeant.
00:16:20Don't thank me.
00:16:21Thank your recruiter.
00:16:29come on boy come on you can't do it i know you can't do it
00:16:34there are two types of baronet fighters the quick and the dead what are you
00:16:38what are they
00:16:39what are you
00:16:40what are they
00:16:41what are you
00:16:43what are they
00:16:44they need volunteers
00:16:45are you crazy i sure am i'm a crazy
00:16:51crazy boy
00:16:53hello
00:16:55conway
00:16:56yes ma'am
00:16:57come here
00:16:57i'm on my way
00:17:02whoo
00:17:03hi
00:17:04hit me
00:17:04let's not fight
00:17:06come here
00:17:07hit me or you'll be sorry
00:17:09i can't hit you you're a girl
00:17:11and i love you
00:17:15you got two seconds to hit me
00:17:23okay but this is gonna
00:17:24any other volunteer
00:17:28oh shit i'm sorry i was just gonna
00:17:31i'm gonna teach you a lesson
00:17:34never
00:17:35no
00:17:35drop
00:17:37ah
00:17:38ah
00:17:39ah
00:17:41ah
00:17:41ah
00:17:43got it
00:17:45can i please throw up now
00:17:55now listen to me very carefully private this is exactly the same as practice but this
00:18:00is a real live grenade i want you to do exactly as you've been trained yes joe sergeant when
00:18:05i give the command to execute i want you to drop the pin throw the grenade yes joe sergeant drop
00:18:10the pin throw the grenade yes joe sergeant execute
00:18:31thank you
00:18:32thanks joe sergeant you saved my life i owe you one
00:18:36No, you owe me 50!
00:18:4950!
00:18:50Mama, mama, can't you see?
00:18:53Mama, mama, can't you see?
00:18:56Drill Sergeant Lamb made a man out of me!
00:18:59Drill Sergeant Lamb made a man out of me!
00:19:01And that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States!
00:19:06And I will obey the orders of the President of the United States!
00:19:10And the orders of the officers appointed over me!
00:19:13And the orders of the officers appointed over me!
00:19:16According to regulations!
00:19:18According to regulations!
00:19:20And the Uniform Code of Military Justice!
00:19:23And the Uniform Code of Military Justice!
00:19:26So help me God!
00:19:27So help me God!
00:19:34it's the uniforms man private conway never thought i'd say this but i think i've done
00:19:45the impossible i've turned you into soldiers thank you drill sergeant carry on
00:20:01uh is this uh unit 341 that's us soldier hey bones conway here this is my partner jack hi christine
00:20:09nice to meet you look like we'll be working together christine a la g i j right what brings
00:20:15pretty little lady like you to water pier i want it in between but until they ask that crap about
00:20:22women not being allowed in combat i'll just have to settle for kicking your little butt
00:20:25oh that would be nice heisty one huh like that shut up
00:20:38i'm gonna have to kill your friend hey bones conway hey uh fred ostrov good to meet you
00:20:46you okay fred oh man i'm fine yeah thanks thank you
00:20:52so uh what do you do when you don't purify water well i'm going into my uh final year of
00:20:57dental
00:20:58school wow and then now that is great no it's not why did you know that dentists are more feared
00:21:07and loathed than any other profession that's including lawyers no see i don't think people
00:21:11hate dentists it's just the sound of that drill yeah and then they stick that sucking thing in the back
00:21:17right like this and the nurse says i'll see you like that and then they jam those cardboard x-ray
00:21:24things and then they and you know when there's you have a cabinet and they do that little pointy
00:21:29thing and then right the nurse leaves and she goes to lunch and she jams it out there right meanwhile
00:21:38there is a lead apron right on the thing and you're sitting there like
00:21:48see see that's what i'm talking about if you don't want to talk about it it's okay oh no no
00:21:53no it's
00:21:53good we should talk about it because my therapist uh said that i need to get it out kind of
00:21:58like an
00:21:59emotional enema so we talked about it and uh said why not join the army reserve be all that you
00:22:05can be
00:22:05on the weekends yeah maybe it helped me to face those things in my life that i'm most afraid of
00:22:14and what are you afraid of uh well i'd have to say uh damn near everything floss hey keep it
00:22:29good morning purifying our water is one of the most vital operations in the military
00:22:35it is absolutely vital that you know your equipment inside and out
00:22:40you know your equipment inside and out and out and out and out and out and out and out and
00:22:47out
00:22:47two soldiers must man the hose at all times this is for your own safety people okay never lose
00:22:55control of your home
00:23:05after careful training you will be able to produce potable water from the most disgusting swampy
00:23:11parasite infected diseased water guys look it's our first glass of purified water all right
00:23:22go for it man try it nah i'm not gonna try hey you try it i'm not gonna try it
00:23:30we should get christine yeah she'll taste anything
00:23:38i'm not gonna try it let's get freddy okay oh freddy no no thanks i'm allergic it'll make me break
00:23:46out
00:23:47i'm not gonna try it well then who's gonna try it
00:24:08who's the leader of this outfit he is
00:24:13son i've been doing this for a long time and i gotta say
00:24:17this is the best damn glass of purified water i ever had congratulations you keep this up and
00:24:24i'll be putting you in for private first class thank you sergeant but i could not have done it
00:24:29without the inspirational guidance of my brother the poor man
00:24:39right back honey excuse me gonna go freshen up
00:24:50you're not
00:25:23you're not
00:25:49You
00:25:49Wait wait hold it here a second. Let's pay we're in the middle of the party here
00:25:53You know your friends might come in. That'd be cool. I don't think so. I think it's very rude if
00:25:57we stay away more than a couple of minutes
00:25:59two minutes, that's perfect. We'll have time to cuddle afterwards
00:26:06Hold that thought
00:26:09Somebody better be dead. Hello. This is an official message. I saw a flock of wild geese migrating south
00:26:19I say again the geese are migrating south
00:26:23Yeah, well, uh, my goose is about to lay a golden egg
00:26:26So you're gonna have to cruise the south solo. Okay. Have a nice flight
00:26:40Look you saw the goose. I'm the walrus and tall is dead and I'm trying to bury my beak here.
00:26:45So give it a rest
00:26:46All right, that's it
00:27:01Jack get the phone. Who is it? Freak on about wild geese migrating
00:27:26You guys don't remember about the cold so that if we got called up for active duty, then we would
00:27:32know that it was for real
00:27:33It's gotta be a mistake
00:27:34It's gotta be Chad
00:27:36Hello, mama
00:27:38It's frederick
00:27:39Uh, you sitting down? Chad is in the african country. The one that liby's about to invade
00:27:45Uh, turn off the music
00:27:50Do you remember when you told me that every black man should visit the motherland?
00:27:54Bones, why do you think I chose water purification?
00:27:57Is your brother a poor man?
00:27:59No, it's because Chad is in a desert
00:28:02And water purification is the reserve occupation most likely to be called up if there's a desert war
00:28:07And there's a desert war and we're going
00:28:12That's it bones i'm gonna kill you
00:28:14Well, go ahead and you gotta relax here. Okay. I'm gonna get us out of this one
00:28:19Trust me
00:28:30At ease
00:28:32Sir, I know we're going to chad
00:28:35But there's something that you need to know about jack and I before we go, sir. Yes
00:28:41Uh, uh bones and I are very close uh friends
00:28:48Very oh, I see in that case boys, I guess you're not going to chad
00:28:58Sorry to disappoint you, sir
00:29:03Uh, just one thing
00:29:08Anything
00:29:10Kiss him
00:29:12Excuse me?
00:29:14Kiss your friend. You don't have a problem with that now, do you?
00:29:20Oh, no. He kisses me every day
00:29:41I'll just do it
00:29:48Is it hot in chad?
00:29:52As the libyan raids against u.n forces near the border continue this u.s. Force is being ready to
00:29:59deter the invasion
00:30:00Threatened by the libyan leader and his television broadcast last night
00:30:04And as the buildup here continues the first army reserve units arrived here today
00:30:09These units will aid in the supply and logistical support for the growing u.s. presence here
00:30:14These troops are in high spirits and the morale is high and their hopes are high
00:30:19All right, so this mission will remain
00:30:21I gotta go
00:30:21Reporting live from chad for worldwide news report. This is stu creaker
00:30:44I am first sergeant brandon t williams
00:30:46It is my intention to run this company like a clock
00:30:50If one gear slips in my clock my clock will tell the wrong time
00:30:54If one spring is loose in my clock my clock will tell the wrong time
00:30:57First sergeant williams likes his clock to tell the right time
00:31:00Do you understand me?
00:31:03Yes sergeant
00:31:04What did he just say?
00:31:05I don't know something about his clock being broken
00:31:10Have my words fallen upon deaf ears?
00:31:13Yes sergeant
00:31:15I mean no sergeant
00:31:17Don't you know i'm your first sergeant
00:31:21Well actually i wish you were my first sergeant but i already had a couple ones already
00:31:27Drop and give me push-ups
00:31:29You will continue to do push-ups until you learn to address me as first sergeant
00:31:33Is that clear?
00:31:34Yes first sergeant
00:31:36Call
00:31:36One first sergeant
00:31:38Two first sergeant
00:31:39Three first sergeant
00:31:40Four first sergeant
00:31:41Five first sergeant
00:31:43Don't eyeball me
00:31:43Six first sergeant
00:31:44Seven first sergeant
00:31:46Eight first sergeant
00:31:47Nine first sergeant
00:31:49Ten first sergeant
00:31:50Eleven first sergeant
00:31:52Twelve first sergeant
00:31:53Thirteen first sergeant
00:31:55Fourteen first sergeant
00:31:57One hundred and twenty three first sergeant
00:31:59One hundred and twenty four first sergeant
00:32:00One hundred and twenty four first sergeant
00:32:01That's enough
00:32:01On your feet
00:32:03Son
00:32:04I bet you did a lot of push-ups when you were in basic training didn't you
00:32:07Yes first sergeant
00:32:09Well, you just did your last push-up, soldier.
00:32:11I will never ask you to do another.
00:32:12Thank you, First Sergeant.
00:32:14You just graduated peeling potatoes.
00:32:176,543, First Sergeant.
00:32:196,544, First Sergeant.
00:32:23First Sergeant.
00:32:256,505!
00:32:286,001.
00:32:30600,000, 50, 452, First Sergeant.
00:32:35Okay.
00:32:35Shit, I lost count.
00:32:37We got it! We got it! We got it! Look!
00:32:42That's a good one.
00:32:43I couldn't help it.
00:32:44I was just trying to dig in.
00:32:45You guys get...
00:32:47Oh, my God.
00:32:48Stop it!
00:32:49Okay!
00:32:50Come on!
00:32:51Come on!
00:32:52Come on!
00:32:57Oh!
00:32:58Oh!
00:32:59Oh!
00:32:59Oh!
00:32:59Oh!
00:32:59Oh, look!
00:32:59Hey!
00:33:00It's the sunroof.
00:33:20Oh!
00:33:21Look!
00:33:22Gabrielle tucked in a little note into my duffel bag.
00:33:26Oh!
00:33:26Yeah, dear bones by the time you read this I will already be
00:33:33Well, I will already be in Milan with
00:33:37Guido. Oh
00:33:40She dumped you
00:33:42Sorry bones. I must say though. This guy sounds really nice. He's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea
00:33:47Jack
00:33:47Don't rub it in. No, no, you're better off. She's a horrible speller. There's only one S and loser look
00:33:54at that and
00:33:55Immaturity, I don't even think that's a word Gabriella
00:33:59She broke my heart
00:34:02Well fortunately, I'm too shallow to stay bummed for too long
00:34:09Oh, would you mind turn light off please Jack? Oh, yeah
00:34:13Fred you checked your your bag for scorpions, right?
00:34:18Scorpions he's messing with you Fred. No, I'm not
00:34:21Chad is the scorpion capital of the world. Yep, Fred
00:34:25They're big ones too about as big as my fist. They outnumber people two to one and that margin grows
00:34:31with every sting
00:34:34So have a good sleep Fred
00:34:36Good night everybody
00:34:38Nice to Alan
00:34:40Night John boy
00:34:42Scorpions
00:34:45All right
00:34:54I got one
00:34:56I got one
00:34:57I got one
00:34:59I got one
00:35:02I got one
00:35:04I got one. I got one. I got one. I got one.
00:35:11Very funny.
00:35:12We're just trying to help you get over your fears, Fred, really.
00:35:16Fred, don't worry about it. You come and sleep with me.
00:35:18Yeah, well, I'd rather take my chances with a scorpion. Thank you.
00:35:25God, I hate this.
00:35:27It's not that bad. It's like camp.
00:35:29John Jacob Jingleheimer-Smith
00:35:35That's my name, too
00:35:38Whenever we go
00:35:39There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer-Smith
00:35:44John Jacob Jingleheimer-Smith
00:35:49That's my name, too
00:35:53Show!
00:36:24Don't eat the chicken.
00:36:24And it tastes just like frog
00:36:27Thanks
00:36:29Enjoy
00:36:36Ready
00:36:37Go
00:36:41Who was that?
00:36:44Special Forces
00:36:4914.11 seconds
00:36:51Damn
00:36:52Try it again
00:36:56He's incredible
00:36:58Time me
00:37:01All right
00:37:04Go
00:37:12Well, that is not good
00:37:17What happened?
00:37:18That is not good
00:37:27Oh, great
00:37:28It's coming over
00:37:29Just don't look at him
00:37:32You lose something?
00:37:35Yeah
00:37:36Thanks
00:37:38Put it in my lasagna
00:37:40You better call 9-1-1
00:37:42Get an ambulance
00:37:42Find a doctor
00:37:43Order a toe tag
00:37:43Because I'm going to tear off your head
00:37:44And spit down your neck
00:37:45Do you understand me, boy?
00:37:49Hey, hey
00:37:52You have to relax a little
00:37:54Take it easy
00:37:56We're in the middle of a war
00:37:57And we're on the same side
00:38:00Yeah, dude
00:38:03Would America
00:38:05Have won the Civil War
00:38:07Or, uh, if Benjamin Franklin
00:38:09Did not get along with Eleanor Roosevelt
00:38:12Right on
00:38:12A little knowledge
00:38:13A little knowledge to partay
00:38:17Go ahead, man
00:38:18If our soldiers
00:38:20If our soldiers
00:38:20Our American soldiers
00:38:22Acted like this
00:38:23In Desert Storm
00:38:26Sodom the same
00:38:26Would still be running Iraq
00:38:28Uh, what?
00:38:35So maybe we're a bunch of reservists
00:38:37Fresh off the plane, right?
00:38:38It's obvious
00:38:39But you regular guys
00:38:41You've been here so long
00:38:42That your brains are fried
00:38:44Right
00:38:44So I guess what I'm really
00:38:46Trying to say is
00:38:48Come on, genius
00:38:49Sit down
00:38:51That doesn't mean
00:38:52We all can't be friends
00:38:55Please
00:38:56There's only one problem
00:38:57With you newbies, home
00:39:00You don't eat enough
00:39:01No, that's
00:39:05Watch it!
00:39:06Shut up!
00:39:19As you were
00:39:28Son
00:39:29I bet the mess sergeant
00:39:30Could use a volunteer
00:39:31To peel potatoes
00:39:32Yes, sir
00:39:33Can I count on you?
00:39:35Yes, sir
00:39:37Carry on
00:39:40I happen to know
00:39:41On this base
00:39:41There's not one
00:39:42Unpeeled potato
00:39:58I heard the Libyans
00:40:00Are already backing down
00:40:00And we're gonna be
00:40:01Out of here in two weeks
00:40:02Yeah
00:40:03Well, I hear
00:40:04They're sending
00:40:0420,000 more troops
00:40:05And we're gonna be here
00:40:06Until Christmas
00:40:08Wait, wait, wait, wait
00:40:09Wait
00:40:10Where you going?
00:40:13Sound like I got bad breath
00:40:20Help!
00:40:22And until they comply
00:40:24With you
00:40:24And resolution 991
00:40:26I don't think anybody's
00:40:27I don't think anybody's
00:40:27Going anywhere
00:40:28Oh, you're amazing, Christine
00:40:30How do you keep up
00:40:32With all that stuff?
00:40:36Christine?
00:40:38Christine?
00:40:42All right
00:40:43Quit screwing around
00:40:46Chris!
00:40:48Send some water
00:40:49With this mud
00:40:55Chris!
00:40:57Chris!
00:41:01Jack!
00:41:02Jack!
00:41:07Fred!
00:41:08Ah!
00:41:09Ah!
00:41:11Ah!
00:41:11Ah!
00:41:12Ah!
00:41:13How does it feel to be dead, motor boy?
00:41:18I don't know. How does it feel to be a dick, dick?
00:41:29Damn it! Where's my water?
00:41:31There was none delivered last night, first sergeant.
00:41:38Goddamn piece of shit, newbies.
00:41:39How am I gonna run a decent HQ without my coffee?
00:41:43Here comes time.
00:41:48That is truly a pathetic sight.
00:41:51Who perpetrated this?
00:42:00Ow!
00:42:06Who did this to you?
00:42:08I can't tell you, first sergeant.
00:42:10What? You have too much honor?
00:42:13Oh...
00:42:14I've been threatened with death.
00:42:16Untie these clowns.
00:42:18And give me some water!
00:42:19Ow!
00:42:27I have an announcement.
00:42:29Do you guys want your water?
00:42:31Because you're looking a little bit crispy.
00:42:33You better what?
00:42:33Oh, I know, I know, I know.
00:42:35Tell me if this is right.
00:42:35I better call 976.
00:42:38Find a doctor and tag an ambulance,
00:42:40because you're gonna tear off my toe and spit down my head, right?
00:42:43Do you guys want your water or not?
00:42:45Sergeant!
00:42:47Report to Captain Roberts.
00:42:48You've got a mission.
00:42:50Water, boys.
00:42:53Report to First Sergeant Williams.
00:42:54You've got a mission, too.
00:42:56Listen up!
00:42:57Captain Denby says we're gonna resupply the forward UN peacekeeping base.
00:43:02This is a very simple, routine mission.
00:43:06You will fall into line in the very large, very prepared convoy.
00:43:09All you have to do is follow the truck in front of you.
00:43:13When your troops get thirsty, you will give them water.
00:43:16Conway, you look confused.
00:43:18Are you sure you want to send us to a forward area?
00:43:20We're just water, boys.
00:43:21You are soldiers.
00:43:23You will get in that convoy,
00:43:24and you will be a credit to the United States Army.
00:43:27Is that clear?
00:43:27Yes, First Sergeant!
00:43:29Then muster your lollygaggin' bus for getting taken.
00:43:31Move out!
00:43:31Yes, First Sergeant!
00:43:58Come on.
00:44:02Damn it!
00:44:02Forget it.
00:44:03They're gonna send a tow truck.
00:44:08Man!
00:44:09I wouldn't do for a double-meat chili cheeseburger right now.
00:44:13No. A margarita on the rocks.
00:44:16Mmm.
00:44:18Or some fresh buttery Jiffy Pop.
00:44:21That's not Popcorn Boys.
00:44:24Hmm?
00:44:25That Convoy's under attack.
00:44:29Really? I don't think so.
00:44:32Ah!
00:44:35Maniac shooting at us!
00:44:37Maniac, it's the enemy!
00:44:38What the hell are you doing?
00:44:40Surrendering!
00:44:40Don't shoot!
00:44:41Surrend-
00:44:46Whoa!
00:44:52Steel!
00:44:56Nice going, Christine.
00:44:58Did you have to shoot so close, huh?
00:45:00You scared the shit out of me.
00:45:02Well, excuse me for living.
00:45:03I was just trying to save your worthless little life.
00:45:05Christine, are you aware that after a near-death experience, there's often a desire to have sex?
00:45:11Yeah, Jack.
00:45:12That's right.
00:45:13I feel it.
00:45:15All right.
00:45:17Just not with you.
00:45:19Ever.
00:45:20Got it?
00:45:21Yeah.
00:45:22Got it.
00:45:23I'm glad we could have this little talk.
00:45:25I didn't feel anything.
00:45:27You guys, let's get out of here!
00:45:29The truck's on fire!
00:45:33The truck's on fire!
00:45:48Stay low! It's gonna-
00:45:57Explode.
00:46:00Where's the phone?
00:46:03Hello!
00:46:07Hello!
00:46:09Hello!
00:46:10Now rickety-tick your mustering lollygaggin' let's lollygaggin' outta here!
00:46:16Hey!
00:46:27Isn't the road that way?
00:46:29I'm taking the shortcut.
00:46:30Is there one?
00:46:31Uh-huh.
00:46:32The road curves around like this.
00:46:34All we gotta do is cut the desert here and catch up the convoy over there.
00:46:39Watch out! Come on!
00:46:40You think I know what I'm doing here?
00:46:42I guess this is the wrong time to tell you guys I get very easily carsied.
00:46:46Uh-huh.
00:46:48Yeah!
00:47:02Bones, I don't see a road.
00:47:05I have the best sense of direction of anyone you know.
00:47:08The road's over there.
00:47:10Three miles.
00:47:11Maybe four.
00:47:12Oh, yeah.
00:47:13Maybe ten.
00:47:15Maybe twenty.
00:47:17Maybe our truck is sinking.
00:47:21No!
00:47:39Push!
00:47:42Hey, forget it, okay?
00:47:43Just shut it down.
00:47:44We'll kick it out.
00:47:45No, stand back.
00:47:46Stand back!
00:47:47I'm gonna rock it!
00:47:53You quit it.
00:47:54It's not working.
00:47:56You're sucking too much sand into the air filter.
00:47:59I order you to shut it down now!
00:48:02You order me?
00:48:04Yeah, but I'm private first class, okay?
00:48:06I'm ordering you.
00:48:07Come on.
00:48:08The only reason you made private first class is because your brother's a poor man!
00:48:20Huh?
00:48:21You happy?
00:48:22You're happy?
00:48:26Yeah, well, I hope you brought your triple-A card.
00:48:29Let's see.
00:48:36Well, look.
00:48:37You cracked the block.
00:48:38I could've done it if you hadn't stopped me.
00:48:40Yeah, you're so full of it.
00:48:42You know what?
00:48:43Shut up!
00:48:44We gotta figure out what we're gonna do!
00:48:46Then why don't you just ask our fearless leader here?
00:48:49Private first class bones, the one with the highest rank.
00:48:52All you had to do, Jack, was just listen to me, okay?
00:48:55I was trying to...
00:48:56All I've ever done is listen to you, and look where it's taken me.
00:48:58Look!
00:49:00We're in the middle of some African hellhole!
00:49:02Under a flesh-frying sun, with the sky filled with vultures, ready to pluck out my eyeballs.
00:49:09Vultures don't come around unless something's about to die.
00:49:29What are you... are you ripping the sleeves off your jacket?
00:49:33Oh, that's gonna look sexy.
00:49:36Jack, tomorrow we have to walk away from this water truck.
00:49:39We have two canteens between us.
00:49:42We're gonna fill up the sleeves of our jackets with water, and then we have more water.
00:49:45Am I the only person who paid attention in survival class?
00:49:52There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:54There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:55That's enough!
00:49:57There's not a scorpion on your back!
00:50:01Uh-uh.
00:50:02There is a scorpion on my back!
00:50:04Frank, there's nothing on your back!
00:50:06You keep on imagining things!
00:50:11Thank you!
00:50:13I needed that!
00:50:16I'm sorry I snapped.
00:50:18Look, you don't have to apologize.
00:50:20You're right!
00:50:22I see things very clear now!
00:50:25All right, Fred!
00:50:26Look, guys, I wanna apologize to everybody, okay?
00:50:29He's okay!
00:50:30I feel like a brand new man!
00:50:31All right.
00:50:31Now, can we get some rest?
00:50:33Okay.
00:50:34Jared!
00:50:35This is fucking awesome.
00:50:37It's all right.
00:50:39Ah!
00:50:40Ah!
00:50:43Ah!
00:50:45Ah!
00:50:46Ah!
00:50:46Ah!
00:50:47Ah!
00:50:47Ah!
00:50:48Ah!
00:50:49Ah!
00:50:50Ah!
00:50:50Ah!
00:50:53Ah!
00:50:58Ah!
00:51:04Ah!
00:51:05Ah!
00:51:05Ah!
00:51:05Ah!
00:51:05Ah!
00:51:05Ah!
00:51:05Ah!
00:51:05Ah!
00:51:06Ah!
00:51:07Ah!
00:51:07Ah!
00:51:10Ah!
00:51:16Ah!
00:51:35You guys, get down. I see something. Get down!
00:51:49It's a truck. There's the road. We are safe. I told you I had a flawless sense of direction.
00:51:57What a coincidence. That truck looks...
00:52:00That looks like our truck.
00:52:09Hey, listen, you guys. Hey, I figured out why we went in circles.
00:52:14Do you remember our map reading class?
00:52:16We didn't follow the sun.
00:52:22Look, this stream is due west.
00:52:25All we have to do is walk away from the sun in the morning and towards the sun in the
00:52:30afternoon.
00:52:30We should be there by nightfall.
00:52:32So you're saying we should risk being dried up into human jerky again just to follow another one of your
00:52:38half-fake plans?
00:52:40I'm not saying anything, okay? I mean, I'm pretty sure this is gonna work.
00:52:43But since I let us down before, I say from here on in, we put everything to a vote.
00:52:49We can't vote. You order, we follow.
00:52:53Okay, well, I order us to vote.
00:52:55That is not how the army goes. You have to tell us what to do.
00:53:00Well, what if I'm wrong?
00:53:03Then...
00:53:04We die.
00:53:10I order us to do a sun-baked plan thing.
00:53:17We're dead.
00:53:21Hey, guys, just think of it as a very long day on a very big beach in a very dry
00:53:29year.
00:53:49Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute. It's the ocean.
00:53:53I don't see anything.
00:53:54What are you, blind? Waves. It's the ocean.
00:53:59It's a mirage.
00:54:01It is a mirage.
00:54:03And there's Caesars.
00:54:04And right across the street is the Barbary Coast.
00:54:07We can get a $3.99 buffet.
00:54:09And it's the ocean.
00:54:11Come on.
00:54:13Come on.
00:54:14Go.
00:54:16Come on.
00:54:18We're running.
00:54:20Come on.
00:54:22Come on.
00:54:22Come on.
00:54:34Here's the canteen.
00:54:35Go get your boy, because he's bugging.
00:54:51You okay, man?
00:54:53You okay? Here, take a sip.
00:54:57Listen.
00:54:59Look, Jack, we've got two choices.
00:55:02One, we can put your clothes back on and get ourselves out of this mess, go back to Glendale, start
00:55:06up our own store, become rich and famous.
00:55:09Or two, you can lie here butt naked and crushed away, leaving your skull to be found by a young
00:55:15Arabic prince that's going to use it for an ashtray.
00:55:21You don't want that in your head, you don't want that in your head, you make the call.
00:55:25Come on, let's get out of here.
00:55:27What do you say?
00:55:28Come on.
00:55:34Come on.
00:55:36Come on.
00:55:38Come on.
00:55:39Come on.
00:55:40Come on.
00:55:40Come on.
00:55:41Come on.
00:55:42Oh, Jack, look at that ass.
00:55:46Maybe you should stay naked.
00:55:47Get some sun on those cheeks.
00:55:57What?
00:55:58Oh, man.
00:55:59Man, now I'm seeing things.
00:56:01The palm tree's right on the horizon.
00:56:03Oh, it's another mirage.
00:56:05Oh, my God.
00:56:06I see it, too.
00:56:07It's not a mirage.
00:56:09Those are the palm trees.
00:56:11It's the oasis.
00:56:12Oh, man.
00:56:13You saved my life.
00:56:15Ah, ha, ha.
00:56:17Mwah.
00:56:18Ah, ha, ha.
00:56:18Mwah.
00:56:20Where's my kiss?
00:56:23Christine!
00:56:30The street was due west, right? It was on the map, right?
00:56:35Where's the water?
00:56:39This is sand.
00:56:47Nobody move.
00:56:51There is a big snake right by your feet.
00:56:55No!
00:56:57Thanks for not moving, Jack.
00:57:01Throw me the gun.
00:57:04If you don't attack it, it'll go away.
00:57:07I don't want it to go away. I want to have it for dinner.
00:57:10Throw me the gun.
00:57:24You want some of this, baby, huh?
00:57:26There you go! Come on!
00:57:28Oh, oh. Oh, no.
00:57:31I'm still gonna get ya!
00:57:36Let's die for me! I'll kill ya!
00:57:42Huh? Shoulda-ba-da-da-da-da-da!
00:57:50Huh? It's a win-win situation.
00:57:57Will you look at that?
00:57:59Water from the bullet hole!
00:58:05Water!
00:58:06Water!
00:58:07Water!
00:58:08Water!
00:58:10Fresh water!
00:58:11I can't believe it!
00:58:13Water!
00:58:14Is it snake yet?
00:58:16Depends how you like it.
00:58:18Well done.
00:58:20Used to be afraid of scorpions. Now he's eating snake.
00:58:23That is impressive for him.
00:58:27I thought we were all gonna die.
00:58:30But you pulled us through.
00:58:33I don't know how.
00:58:35But thank you.
00:58:36Well done.
00:58:47That was, uh...
00:58:50Pretty exceptional.
00:58:53So what are you gonna do if I get us rescued?
00:58:58Um...
00:59:00I will...
00:59:02Take off all your clothes.
00:59:06Tie you to the bed.
00:59:10Rub warm oil all over your body.
00:59:15From the bottom of those feet to the top of that head.
00:59:20And proceed...
00:59:21To have the nastiest...
00:59:24Freakiest sex with you that you have ever imagined.
00:59:30Oh, that's it.
00:59:31Damn it!
00:59:32I saw her first!
00:59:33And look what happens.
00:59:35Same thing that happened with Gabriella.
00:59:37I saw her first.
00:59:39And-and-and Wanda Tushman.
00:59:40In the third grade, I saw her first.
00:59:42And that girl in Palm Springs.
00:59:44It turned out to be the guy.
00:59:45I saw that thing first, too.
00:59:47You know why I'm not just...
00:59:49Strangling you right now?
00:59:51Because you can't cook a snake?
00:59:53No.
00:59:55Because no matter how long we've been friends...
00:59:58I never thought you'd be the kind of guy that would...
01:00:01Save our lives.
01:00:02Let alone kill a snake.
01:00:05But you did.
01:00:06Oh, hey, man. Thanks.
01:00:08Yeah.
01:00:09I-I think it's the UN flag.
01:00:12We're safe!
01:00:14Guys, Christine and I are gonna need some time alone.
01:00:17Sure, man.
01:00:22The President is in the Situation Room of the White House today.
01:00:26And the President is scheduled to address the nation tomorrow at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
01:00:31We will, of course, bring that to you live on-
01:00:33You are the Reservers from Glendale, California, correct?
01:00:36This all fuels-
01:00:37According to WNR, you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.
01:00:42Um, where are we?
01:00:45You're on a military base.
01:00:47Well inside Libya.
01:00:48That is all you need to know.
01:00:50Oh, I forgot to mention.
01:00:53The war is starting tomorrow.
01:00:55How'd you know that?
01:00:57American TV.
01:00:59Your country is expected to start bombing our air bases tomorrow.
01:01:03And when that happens, we will unleash missiles with chemical warheads against your bases.
01:01:08Consider yourself lucky to be here.
01:01:11Sleep well.
01:01:15You know, this is fine.
01:01:16It's like the time you got us arrested, Tijuana.
01:01:18Except we're in Libya.
01:01:20And your dad's not gonna pick us up here, brother.
01:01:25Yo, it's-
01:01:26Aren't you guys also American?
01:01:32Oh, see, I see.
01:01:34I was wounded and I don't feel well.
01:01:36Please, sing a song to comfort me.
01:01:38Sing a song?
01:01:39Any song.
01:01:43Oh, okay.
01:01:46Rescue me.
01:01:48Sing.
01:01:49What?
01:01:50I want your tender chance cause I'm alone.
01:01:55My team was on strategic recon.
01:01:58Huh?
01:01:59You know, that's when you go behind enemy lines and you try to locate their assets like tanks and bunkers.
01:02:04We were on our way to a resupply drop and we were ambushed.
01:02:07The other guys were killed.
01:02:08Killed?
01:02:13I took a bullet in the leg and they brought me here.
01:02:17Uh-huh.
01:02:18I don't know any words to this song.
01:02:20Kiss me, baby.
01:02:21Kiss me, baby.
01:02:22Kiss me, baby.
01:02:24Kiss me, baby.
01:02:25Kiss me, baby.
01:02:27Kiss me, baby.
01:02:38Look, it's the duty of every POW to try and escape.
01:02:41We're in the middle of a desert.
01:02:42What good is it gonna do for us to escape?
01:02:44To complete the recon mission, soldier.
01:02:47A special operations cargo plane was instructed to make a supply drop at a rendezvous point about 15k north of
01:02:52here.
01:02:53If we can get off this base, I can get us to the run if we want.
01:02:56You're insane, okay?
01:02:57The Libyans are gonna launch chemical weapons.
01:02:59We're much safer here.
01:03:00No.
01:03:00I'm a soldier.
01:03:01And I got a job to do.
01:03:03And so are you.
01:03:05Now get to work, private.
01:03:08I'm lonely.
01:03:11Rescue me.
01:03:12Keep working, baby.
01:03:28My heart.
01:03:30You know what?
01:03:31You didn't scare me.
01:03:33I just felt like screaming.
01:03:34Don't worry about it.
01:03:35Most men think I'm scary.
01:03:40So you can't sleep, huh?
01:03:42I'm too excited.
01:03:44Excited?
01:03:44They might torture us tomorrow.
01:03:46They might even kill us.
01:03:48I know.
01:03:48It's just like the night before Christmas.
01:03:51Yeah, well, at my house we got presents.
01:03:53I'm talking about the anticipation.
01:03:57We might die.
01:03:59We might escape it.
01:04:01We don't know what's gonna happen.
01:04:02That's the coolest thing in the whole world.
01:04:05Most girls are into horses and stuff.
01:04:08You're weird.
01:04:10Most men say that, too.
01:04:14I like it.
01:04:17You do?
01:04:20Yeah.
01:04:21Horses are boring.
01:04:31So, if I do get us out of here, and I will, is it true what you said about tying
01:04:37me up and all that wild, sick stuff?
01:04:40I'll have you kiss me again.
01:04:44Okay.
01:04:48I can't worry about it.
01:04:50Wait.
01:04:51I think I got it.
01:04:52Wait, look.
01:04:53Look at it.
01:04:54You got it?
01:04:54Yeah.
01:04:55Look.
01:04:56Oh!
01:04:57Oh!
01:05:00Oh!
01:05:01Stern!
01:05:03Stern!
01:05:04You gotta wake up.
01:05:05I can't turn the alarm off.
01:05:06It's not an alarm.
01:05:07It's an air raid silence.
01:05:09Oh, thank God.
01:05:11I thought I was having another panic attack.
01:05:16Oh!
01:05:19Oh!
01:05:21Oh!
01:05:22Oh!
01:05:22Oh!
01:05:23Oh!
01:05:24Oh!
01:05:32Oh!
01:05:33Oh, it's okay.
01:05:36Oh!
01:05:52It's okay.
01:05:53Ah!
01:05:54Yes!
01:06:00almost try again okay gosh
01:06:08that was good just a little more to the left we got him yeah you guys just keep trying do
01:06:14you guys
01:06:15realize what we are doing right now this is a scene from pirates of the Caribbean all we need
01:06:21is that mangy dog right and then you can go why just try it again
01:06:57how much do you love me
01:07:09I'm sorry I don't get it what is it with us and trucks I mean we get them we break
01:07:13them we smash
01:07:14them we crash them we run out of gas I don't get it yes yes yes I understand that but
01:07:18we're not
01:07:18getting tortured by Baba good douche right now okay no instead we're lost in the desert again
01:07:24without food and water again stuck with this special forces guy he can't even walk because
01:07:31he got his legs shot off Fred we're free damn we're gonna die free or maybe not
01:07:4455 American dollars and then on top of it see this chuck serious bona fide Libyan army
01:07:53fighting machine and it's all part of this amazing offer my friend and maybe if you're lucky might even
01:07:59have a cool a track you could play a Buddha Buddha Buddha stuff on it huh and you asked me
01:08:06how could
01:08:06it be why such a deal because they were crazy boys we're giving it away
01:08:21you like this watch is it interesting no no no no no no no no no no no no no
01:08:25no no no no he
01:08:26likes it watch come on it's got the phases of the moon and the compass what this has a compass
01:08:33yeah really yeah well we've been stuck in the desert for three days and you're telling me this watch
01:08:38has a compass sorry oh Jack oh you're gonna get some noogies later I'm gonna just pound you like
01:08:44this I forgot yeah well uh well you're gonna forget about your little watch here Jack because it's
01:08:50gone uh-huh here you go my friend hey you guys in my life I've seen a lot of camel's
01:08:58toes
01:09:00but I never see one in a camel I think he's got a crush on you bones really how can
01:09:07you tell
01:09:08because he's been nibbling on your ears yeah and licking on your neck
01:09:15it's okay you're just a camel
01:09:20our supply drops on the other side of that Libyan base what Libyan base Pauls are you blind
01:09:27it's a Libyan base covered with a camo tint what are you talking about I guess we're gonna have
01:09:32to go around it around what see that jeep right there mm-hmm I see the jeep okay but I
01:09:38certainly
01:09:39don't oh you mean that Libyan base the one under the camo tent I thought you guys were talking
01:09:47about some other Libyan base will there be medical supplies medical supplies uniforms food water radio
01:09:54everything you need yeah but where is it it's supposed to be right here
01:10:00hey you guys
01:10:01come on
01:10:05come on you guys
01:10:06come on
01:10:26hot wheels
01:10:36oh
01:10:37oh
01:10:42stern
01:10:44these things are intense no wonder people join the army be all that you can be in the army
01:10:52what happened to him his leg looks pretty bad I think it's infected because he lost a lot of blood
01:10:58but look at his gums they're fabulous man not a touch of gingivitis he's been flossing
01:11:03yeah but why is he acting so wasted oh that's the morphine absolutely the morphine better
01:11:12hello somebody answer us please you gotta believe us we're stuck out here in the middle
01:11:17please just help me get a hold of yourself soldier oh thank god it's you listen don't say
01:11:23hey my name what did i say to you when you first arrived in chad
01:11:27uh something about your clock being broken
01:11:30close enough
01:11:32okay calm down son we're gonna get you out of there now listen carefully
01:11:37your call sign is now glendale
01:11:40our call sign is now burbank
01:11:42did you recover the fast attack vehicles glendale
01:11:45oh you mean those doom buggies yeah those things are intense
01:11:49good this equipment was intended for the special forces team to carry out a vital mission
01:11:54you are our only assets on the ground with the right equipment in the right place
01:11:59say what you have to take over glendale listen let me explain something first of all sergeant
01:12:07we're water boys okay your soldiers first glendale now listen up the libyans have a mobile
01:12:16scud launching base right in your area these scuds are loaded with chemical weapons and targeted at
01:12:22u.s bases our aerial photographs haven't been able to find them you want us to find them but what
01:12:28about stern stern can find him he'll be up pretty soon stern daddy why can't i go to ballet class
01:12:35teacher says i'm a natural these scuds can't be spotted from the air because of heavy camouflage
01:12:44camouflage why didn't you say so in the first place listen we saw the thing this morning stern
01:12:50wrote down the coordinates right stern we'll tell you where it is you guys can come here and bomb the
01:12:55hell out of it come on send the air force it's not enough to tell us you have to go
01:13:00back there and
01:13:01paint it paint it trust me it looks perfectly fine the way it is i mean paint it with the
01:13:08laser the laser
01:13:09target designator is in your equipment all you have to do is return to that base point the laser at
01:13:16it
01:13:16and call me back on the radio the air force will do the rest you can be a mile away
01:13:22in perfect safety
01:13:24all right wait a minute chris what get over here no bones they can't make us do anything we don't
01:13:31we
01:13:31don't know how to use this stuff fred do you use lasers in dentistry right i know what's going on
01:13:37you're gonna try to make the brother hold the laser right no my laser was a little itty bitty laser
01:13:41this is a big laser there's a difference glendale glendale no no can't they just evacuate the bases
01:13:48yeah or we can take an hour out of our busy lives hop in these cool doom buggies pop the
01:13:53base with the
01:13:54laser and let the air force blow the hell out of it now you listen to me glendale please hold
01:13:58yourself
01:13:59there one second i'm just trying to have a moment with my friends is that okay just have a cup
01:14:03of java
01:14:04please chill fred when you first got here you were completely freaked right yeah and now look at
01:14:14you huh you're a regular gi joe a fighting man from head to toe and chris you wanted infantry
01:14:22well now's your chance let's see what you got
01:14:27and jack my friend you were a complete screw-up but now look at you you're still a screw-up
01:14:34but
01:14:34if you did this and you survived you'd have stuff to tell your little screw-up grandkids
01:14:39basically you guys up to a few months ago we were all a bunch of minimum wage losers from glendale
01:14:44but this whole event has changed our lives you know who we owe it to the army this is something
01:14:51we
01:14:51gotta do come on go with it chris i know you're with me yeah fred listen if you can't handle
01:15:00it i
01:15:00understand man i can handle it jack what do you say man oh i say i say you're crazy i
01:15:09think you're all
01:15:10nuts but you're the the private first class i'm the private i'm gonna follow you my friend wherever
01:15:17all right you guys let's do this thing kick it man man you ready let's go i know i know
01:15:26it's just
01:15:27a little bit of business i have to take care of
01:15:33i you're gonna have to go now you're gonna have to go be all the camel that you can be
01:15:48all right all right troops let's go bust some scuds
01:16:16so
01:16:22so
01:16:48All right, Glendale to Burbank, come in.
01:16:50I wish we had cooler codenames.
01:16:52What was that, Glendale?
01:16:53Nothing.
01:16:54I was just saying that these codenames suck.
01:16:57Can I call you General Sweetpants?
01:16:59You better remember who you're talking to, Glendale.
01:17:01Are you in position?
01:17:02Guy's got no sense of humor.
01:17:04Yeah, we can see the target.
01:17:06Have you painted it with the laser?
01:17:11Just did.
01:17:13Good going, Glendale.
01:17:14The airstrike is inbound.
01:17:16You should acquire the target in seven minutes.
01:17:19It is vital that you do not take the laser off the target until the target is destroyed.
01:17:24Can you hold it there for seven minutes?
01:17:26I got it propped up here on the rock.
01:17:28I can hold it here all day long.
01:17:29I'm good to go.
01:17:30No problem, Burbank.
01:17:33Good.
01:17:34Lay low and report any change in situation.
01:17:37We'll be standing by.
01:17:39Out.
01:17:55Come on.
01:17:57Come on.
01:18:04Tell me again about the store.
01:18:07Oh, the store.
01:18:09Well, it's going to be great.
01:18:10We're going to have our own room where people can get their feet massaged.
01:18:14Sorrow.
01:18:15Fuck off!
01:18:38Hold your position, Glendale.
01:18:40And keep that laser on the target.
01:18:42On the target?
01:18:43We are the target!
01:18:47Tell them to hurry up!
01:18:48You better hurry.
01:18:49We got 60 pissed off Libyans heading towards us.
01:18:52Stay with it.
01:18:53Stay with it.
01:18:57Let's get these guys here.
01:18:59Come on.
01:19:00Okay.
01:19:02Get out of here.
01:19:03All right.
01:19:04This is for the Glendale Waterboy.
01:19:09Oh, my God!
01:19:16Not bad, huh?
01:19:17Woo!
01:19:40Reload.
01:19:50Reload.
01:20:19Oh, shit.
01:20:21Missed.
01:20:21Yeah, well, at least they didn't blow up my head.
01:20:25Where you going, soldiers?
01:20:26We know you can do it.
01:20:27Oh, perfect.
01:20:28I'm gonna find you the biggest bottle of champagne in Chad.
01:20:32Yeah, well, don't pop the cork yet.
01:20:34The bomb's missed.
01:20:35The base wasn't hit.
01:20:37You better send another airstrike here and send it fast.
01:20:40Wait one.
01:20:49Lindale.
01:20:50The backup strike of F-111s is being diverted to your target.
01:20:54ETA, three minutes.
01:20:55Three minutes?
01:20:56What, are you crazy?
01:20:57We don't have three minutes.
01:20:59In three minutes, we're gonna be shish kebabs.
01:21:01We're under serious attack.
01:21:03You'll have to hold them.
01:21:18Oh, shit.
01:21:19Oh, my God.
01:21:21You better get the planes here sooner.
01:21:23The scuds are ready to fire.
01:21:25Two minutes and 30 seconds.
01:21:29Hey!
01:21:30Hey!
01:21:31Where's he going?
01:21:39Hey!
01:21:40Hey!
01:21:40Hey!
01:21:40Hey!
01:21:41Hey!
01:21:42Hey!
01:21:42Hey!
01:21:47All right!
01:21:48My man!
01:21:50You stay right here.
01:21:52I gotta go.
01:21:52I gotta go.
01:22:00Let's go!
01:22:03You guys!
01:22:05Move over.
01:22:05Move over.
01:22:06Oh!
01:22:09Cockfiring mechanism.
01:22:11report the situation
01:22:16shut up
01:22:28aim to set range
01:22:29if known or estimate
01:22:31who came up with these directions
01:22:32I don't know
01:22:34tell me to shut up one more time
01:22:35when I'm gonna rip your spine out
01:22:36and use it for a putting iron
01:22:38shut up
01:22:39I'm not good with directions
01:22:42push
01:22:42safety
01:22:44and hold down
01:22:45okay now everybody back
01:22:48fire
01:22:48by pushing
01:22:50suck on this at once time
01:23:05sorry
01:23:10last chance
01:23:12my friend
01:23:38yes
01:23:39yes
01:23:51my signal
01:23:52everybody scream like crazy
01:23:53make them think we got 50 guys up here
01:23:56okay
01:23:57one
01:23:58and go
01:24:13we scared them
01:24:25don't mess with the glendale
01:24:27reserve
01:24:29two weeks a year
01:24:31one week in a month
01:24:33we're the few
01:24:34we're the proud
01:24:36we're the water
01:24:39we're the water
01:24:41all stuck
01:24:42get down
01:24:44and go
01:25:09and go
01:25:12and go
01:25:14Oh, yeah!
01:25:34Yeah! Hey!
01:25:36All right, start phones.
01:25:37Not bad for a bunch of waterboys, huh?
01:25:40No! Soldiers!
01:25:42I'm proud of you guys!
01:25:44Stand now!
01:25:52You ought to be damn pleased with yourselves.
01:25:56Congratulations. You did an outstanding job.
01:25:59It wasn't a job for a sergeant.
01:26:01It was an adventure.
01:26:35You're gonna have to go get a blood test phone.
01:26:37Come on!
01:27:17Pick up-you won't can even hit that one.
01:27:21I ended up sitting again next episode.
01:27:21And even people do that.
01:27:21I'm going out to go get them and say,
01:27:26Hey, welcome!
01:27:26Now, we can go get start.
01:27:26What is the test now?
01:27:36I really want to go get the test now.
01:27:36So, I have a snapshot here.
01:27:36You
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