- 16 minutes ago
In The Army Now 1994 Full Series
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:01See how I just blow those guys? Look, and there's the thing.
00:00:04Look up, look up, look up! No on the...
00:00:09Game over, you're dead!
00:00:11Shouldn't we get back to work?
00:00:12I'm working. Look, I'm testing on new products.
00:00:15What are you so paranoid for anyways? Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.
00:00:18Look, Quinn's gonna fire your ass from this place.
00:00:21Do you think I'm scared of that...
00:00:22What is he? Looks like a lurch.
00:00:25I'm Quinn.
00:00:26Are you afraid of him? No.
00:00:28Bones!
00:00:30Quinn's looking for you.
00:00:32I told him you were playing video games.
00:00:34Here, hold this, okay? I gotta do something.
00:00:36Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?
00:01:05This is all for you. See all the money I'm saving?
00:01:09Wow, Quinn, look at you. You're looking fantastic. Is that a new suit?
00:01:12It's gotta be Armando.
00:01:16Oh, it's JCPenney. Well, at least you wear it well.
00:01:19Is that brood I smell?
00:01:21What did we say about leaving the sales floor?
00:01:24You told me not to, and I won't. If this place catches fire, I'm selling tape decks to the firemen.
00:01:29You're not selling anything to anybody. That's why we're letting you go.
00:01:33Where?
00:01:33Home.
00:01:34No, no, no, no, Quinn. Hey, hey, you can't fire me. Come on. I'm a crazy boy. I'm a dedicated
00:01:39crazy boy.
00:01:40Bones, let's not drag this out.
00:01:42No, Quinn, hey, look. Come on, please. I mean, my rent's due. My mom, she needs another tummy tuck. Please,
00:01:47come on.
00:01:47No, Bones. No, not this time.
00:01:49Please, there's a lot of personal... Please, please don't let me... Please don't let me go, Quinn. I could be
00:01:54crazier.
00:01:54Let go of my life. I could be totally insane.
00:02:00Bones, let go of my life. Bones, you have a customer waiting.
00:02:05You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn. I have a customer. A customer who evidently asked for me by name.
00:02:15Hi. May I help you, miss?
00:02:17Yes. You sold me this watchman last week, and I'm afraid I have to return it.
00:02:21See, I knew you'd be returning it. It's too small to ruin your eyesight.
00:02:25And besides, I could tell the one you really want is this one.
00:02:28This is our top of the line.
00:02:29Our very best 35-inch projection stereo color monitor with advanced super digital PMP.
00:02:36I'm sorry. That's way out of my price range.
00:02:39Not with our $200 rebate. No money down, 10-month deferred, 64-month layaway plan.
00:02:44You ask yourself, how could it be, right?
00:02:47Because we're a crazy boys.
00:02:51Sorry, they make us do that.
00:02:52That's a very nice offer, but this is just...
00:02:55Plus, this screen, though, it promotes good eyesight.
00:02:58Really?
00:02:59Mm-hmm. Four out of five optometrists recommend it.
00:03:03Okay. I'll take it.
00:03:06Okay. Fantastic. I'm gonna take this to the cashier, and I'm gonna arrange everything.
00:03:11Thank you very much.
00:03:13Come to the front. You're needed for a carry-out.
00:03:15Huh?
00:03:17Hmm?
00:03:18Come on. Am I not still a crazy boy?
00:03:23That is brute I smell, you pervert.
00:03:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:03:28... television celebrity Jane Essex.
00:03:30Greenwall, a rising sports figure, was discovered ransacking the stars home last night.
00:03:35When she returned home newly to vacation, friends of both parties have been making frequent appearances at the courthouse all
00:03:41day hoping to...
00:03:42Gabriella, you are outstanding.
00:03:44Yeah, right. This is the last time I save your butt. Okay? I work, too, you know?
00:03:49I know. It was an emergency. The guy was about to fire me.
00:03:52Right. It's always an emergency. They better take that TV back.
00:03:55Hey, they're gonna take it back.
00:03:57Now, how about just giving your little Italian sausage man a little kissy-poo?
00:04:03... facilities in Chad, the U.S. has issued strong warnings that...
00:04:08You are so irresponsible.
00:04:11Can you be serious for one minute?
00:04:13It's okay. I'll be serious. Let's get naked.
00:04:17Not now. Not here.
00:04:20Why? Don't you love me anymore?
00:04:21Yes, yes, of course I love you.
00:04:24Yeah, but look, your boss is gonna catch us.
00:04:27I don't care about that perverted fat's on a JCPenney suit.
00:04:32BOTS!
00:04:34Jack, turn it off. Turn it off!
00:04:36Ah!
00:04:40Ah!
00:04:42Ah!
00:04:43Ah!
00:04:48Well, I can't...
00:04:54I can't believe he actually fired us.
00:04:57Oh, come on. Bones, we blew up 22 TV sets.
00:05:00Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?
00:05:01I'm sorry, man. You know, I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all those TVs.
00:05:05No problemo, my friend. I was sick of getting down on my knees for that guy anyways.
00:05:10Whoa. Bones. I had no idea.
00:05:13Begging for my job.
00:05:15You know what, Jack, though? This is amazing. You know what this does?
00:05:18Yeah.
00:05:19This brings us one step closer to the, uh, store.
00:05:23No, no, no. What this does is it brings us one step closer to living in the dumpster.
00:05:27How are we gonna get the rent for the store if we don't have rent for our apartment?
00:05:31Excuse me, can we play through?
00:05:33Yeah.
00:05:35Sorry, we're just discussing.
00:05:41Hey!
00:05:42Army!
00:05:44Navy!
00:05:45Air Force!
00:05:46Marines!
00:05:47No.
00:05:49Did you order a code red?
00:05:51Answer me! Did you order a code red?
00:05:54Man, you want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
00:05:57Yay. He's goofing off.
00:06:01Well, that was my Nicholson impression.
00:06:03Good.
00:06:04I do it sometimes when I play golf.
00:06:08Bones, come on.
00:06:09See, I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.
00:06:11When you join the Army, is it true that you have to give your whole life away?
00:06:14Nah, something like that with us.
00:06:16We're in the reserves.
00:06:18What's that?
00:06:20Let's just get this straight here.
00:06:22After our basic training, we owe you two weeks a year, one week and a month, for which we get
00:06:27paid.
00:06:27And then on top of it, you're gonna throw in $2,500 just for signing up?
00:06:34Basically, yes.
00:06:34Wow.
00:06:36Well, then how come everybody isn't in the reserves?
00:06:39Do people actually know about this stuff?
00:06:42Well, we do try to advertise.
00:06:45Oh, yeah.
00:06:46Um, it's not a job, it's an adventure.
00:06:48No.
00:06:48That's the Navy.
00:06:50The few and the proud?
00:06:51No, that's the Marines.
00:06:53Hmm.
00:06:54Keep going, going, and gone?
00:06:55No, no, that's the, um, Energizer, buddy.
00:06:58Gentlemen, we're be-all-you-can-be.
00:07:01Yeah.
00:07:02In the army.
00:07:05You need us, and we need you.
00:07:07It's a win-win situation.
00:07:09I got one more question.
00:07:11Could I get a pen?
00:07:12Oh, no.
00:07:13Actually, could we just have a second, uh, amongst ourselves?
00:07:16Certainly.
00:07:17Take all the time you need.
00:07:19Just hold that ballpoint.
00:07:23Whew.
00:07:24Just one-
00:07:25Ah, this is insane!
00:07:27Why doesn't everybody join when you're listening to him in there?
00:07:30Shh!
00:07:32It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.
00:07:34Oh, my God, you're going nuts.
00:07:35Okay, we are the beneficiaries.
00:07:37We get a guaranteed check for eight years and a special skill.
00:07:41A special skill?
00:07:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:07:43Look at the payments.
00:07:44Here we go.
00:07:45Land combat missile op.
00:07:48Opportunities.
00:07:48Tactical fire specialist.
00:07:50You heard him talking about combat pay, right?
00:07:52You know, you have to be in combat to get paid for that, right?
00:07:56He said reserves aren't called up unless there's a major conflict.
00:08:00When was the last war, huh?
00:08:01Yeah.
00:08:02World War II?
00:08:03No.
00:08:0320 years ago.
00:08:04Have you ever heard of Vietnam?
00:08:05Huh?
00:08:06Desert storm?
00:08:07No.
00:08:08Uh-uh.
00:08:10What?
00:08:10I'm kidding.
00:08:11Give me the brochure.
00:08:12We're going to go to the unemployment office.
00:08:14Okay.
00:08:14No, just let me see.
00:08:15Let me just try it.
00:08:16Tank tour repair, land mining specialist, water purification?
00:08:22Water purification.
00:08:23That's it.
00:08:24What?
00:08:25What?
00:08:25Water purification.
00:08:26I'm telling you it's a snap.
00:08:27My brother's a pool man.
00:08:29Hey, look.
00:08:29You take dirty water and you make it clean.
00:08:32How hard can that be?
00:08:33I don't know.
00:08:34And hey, if there's a war, what are we going to go in there with?
00:08:38Water balloons?
00:08:40That's...
00:08:40I mean, but...
00:08:41But...
00:08:41Yeah.
00:08:42This is for our future.
00:08:44Okay.
00:08:45If we could sign up right now, we'd get a guarantee check for $2,500.
00:08:48If you times that, times two.
00:08:50Wow.
00:08:54That's $6,000.
00:08:55That's a nice chunk of change.
00:08:57Yeah.
00:08:59But...
00:08:59Hey.
00:09:00This is for our store.
00:09:03Yeah.
00:09:04Okay.
00:09:05I'll even give you first billing.
00:09:06No, you don't have to do that.
00:09:07No, no, no.
00:09:08Jacks and boneses.
00:09:10Oh.
00:09:11All right.
00:09:14All right.
00:09:14All right.
00:09:14Let's do it.
00:09:15Oh.
00:09:16Yes.
00:09:16Yes.
00:09:17Yes.
00:09:21Yes.
00:09:46Hi, um, see, everybody knows me from my hair.
00:09:55Okay, what I need you to do is just a little bit on the side, not a whole bunch, and
00:09:59kind of keep what it can soak still.
00:10:01I'd like to see it in something short but sassy, a real 90s look, something that works as well on
00:10:06the rifle range as it does in the disco.
00:10:08Okay, that's perfect.
00:10:15All right.
00:10:29It's my head. I mean, look at it. Does it look bigger than it?
00:10:36Do I look like a big potato?
00:10:38Honestly?
00:10:38Yeah, honestly.
00:10:39It looks great. It really does.
00:10:42Really?
00:10:42Really.
00:10:43Really?
00:10:44It looks macho.
00:10:47All right.
00:10:47Look at these, man. Look at these.
00:10:50Army issued.
00:10:52See, I think those are unique.
00:10:54Idiotic.
00:10:54No, those are unique. See, you're distinctive.
00:10:56No one has them.
00:10:58Really?
00:10:58You're king.
00:10:59All right.
00:11:00One of a kind.
00:11:01They invoked them all when they made you, Jack.
00:11:23Moms, I can't do it.
00:11:24Jack, come on.
00:11:25I can't do it, man. I can't do it.
00:11:27This is just like your childhood, remember?
00:11:32Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right.
00:11:34That guy is exactly like my dad.
00:11:36See? Come on.
00:11:38Wait a minute, though. My childhood sucked.
00:11:40No, I can't do it, man.
00:11:42I can't handle being yelled at by some muscle-bound drill sergeant.
00:11:46No, man. I can't do it.
00:11:48Get the hell off the truck!
00:11:53Oh, whoa.
00:11:55She can drill me any time.
00:11:57On the double right now! Come on, moment, moment!
00:12:00Hello, sweet pants.
00:12:02Get down here! Get down here!
00:12:05Rough stuff.
00:12:06And take those glasses off!
00:12:08What do you think, you want some beaches up?
00:12:10No.
00:12:10What's your name, private?
00:12:12Bones, car. We're reporting for duty, sir!
00:12:14All right.
00:12:15I mean, man, sergeant, whatever!
00:12:18You will address me as drill sergeant.
00:12:21Don't you understand?
00:12:25Yes, but you don't need to yell, because look, I'm standing right here.
00:12:28I'm not yelling at you, private.
00:12:30Drill sergeants do not yell.
00:12:31We simply speak in a voice loud enough so everyone can hear.
00:12:34That way we all learn from each other's mistakes!
00:12:37Oh, okay. Thanks for explaining it.
00:12:39From here on out, your butt is mine.
00:12:43You will obey every order without question!
00:12:48Grunt!
00:12:52Oh, you a funny boy, huh?
00:12:54Cutie pie, right?
00:12:55Well, I don't know you, but I don't even like you.
00:12:58And I make it my personal mission to turn you into a soldier.
00:13:01For the next eight weeks, I'll be all over your butt like white old rice!
00:13:06Is that a promise?
00:13:09Give me 20!
00:13:11I want my wallet.
00:13:13Drop and give me 20!
00:13:15I'm here to hold this.
00:13:15Boy, you better get on that ground and give me them push-ups!
00:13:19It's been a while.
00:13:21All the way up and down, right?
00:13:24Pump!
00:13:25Pump!
00:13:28One!
00:13:29Is that good?
00:13:38Get up!
00:13:39Get up!
00:13:42Everybody up!
00:13:46On your feet!
00:13:48I'm gonna crash right now, sleeping duties!
00:13:56Get your butt off that wreck!
00:14:01Get up!
00:14:06I'm out!
00:14:07Ow!
00:14:07Ow!
00:14:08I'm out!
00:14:10I'm out!
00:14:11I'm out!
00:14:12Next man to the lamp!
00:14:14Next man to the lamp!
00:14:16All right!
00:14:17Go!
00:14:22All right!
00:14:23This is my one of the men that begins, I'll be getting grass drills.
00:14:25I have to say run and play, but I'll say go, go!
00:14:28Go!
00:14:29Go!
00:14:33Go!
00:14:33Go!
00:14:34Go!
00:14:34Go!
00:14:34Go!
00:14:35Go!
00:14:39Jack!
00:14:40Yeah?
00:14:41Run!
00:14:43Where'd the sun go?
00:14:44Run!
00:14:45There is no sun anymore, Bones.
00:14:47Run!
00:14:48The sun is gone.
00:14:50Run!
00:14:51We died, and this is hell!
00:14:53Oh, okay.
00:14:54Thanks for splitting.
00:14:55Run!
00:15:01Private, you got that weapon around backwards.
00:15:14See the picture on the front of this weapon?
00:15:16Mm-hmm.
00:15:21It's put there for privates like you.
00:15:25It's idiot proof.
00:15:29Damn it!
00:15:30You're so dead!
00:15:32Ah!
00:15:33The gig line runs down the seam of your shirt, through the edge of your belt buckle, down
00:15:38the seam of your zipper.
00:15:40This is a straight gig line.
00:15:42See it.
00:15:44Learn it.
00:15:46Do it.
00:15:52From here on out, anyone without a straight gig line will have to answer to me.
00:16:03Conway, what the hell is this?
00:16:06Just, Sergeant.
00:16:06Sergeant, I guess my gig line needs straightening, huh?
00:16:12Oh.
00:16:18Thank you, Joe, Sergeant.
00:16:20Don't thank me.
00:16:21Thank you, recruiter.
00:16:29Come on, boy, come on, you can't do it.
00:16:32I know you can't do it.
00:16:33Ah!
00:16:35There are two types of bayonet fighters, the quick and the dead.
00:16:37What are you?
00:16:38What?
00:16:39What are they?
00:16:39What are you?
00:16:40What?
00:16:41What are they?
00:16:41What are you?
00:16:43What?
00:16:43What are they?
00:16:44What are they?
00:16:44They need volunteers!
00:16:48What are you, crazy?
00:16:49I sure am.
00:16:50I'm a crazy boy.
00:16:53Hello!
00:16:56Conway!
00:16:56Yes, ma'am.
00:16:57Come here.
00:16:58I'm on my way.
00:17:00Woo!
00:17:03Hi.
00:17:04Hit me.
00:17:05Let's not fight.
00:17:06Come here.
00:17:07Hit me or you'll be sorry!
00:17:09I can't hit you.
00:17:11You're a girl.
00:17:12And I love you.
00:17:16You've got two seconds to hit me.
00:17:23Okay, but this is gonna hurt.
00:17:25Idiot of volunteers!
00:17:28Oh, shit.
00:17:30I'm sorry.
00:17:31I was just gonna...
00:17:31I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
00:17:35Never!
00:17:36Drop!
00:17:40You're gone!
00:17:43Oh, got it.
00:17:46Can I please throw up now?
00:17:51Get up!
00:17:52Get mad!
00:17:53You get mad, you!
00:17:54Get mad!
00:17:55Now, listen to me very carefully, Private.
00:17:58This is exactly the same as practice,
00:18:00but this is a real live grenade.
00:18:01I want you to do exactly as you've been trained.
00:18:04Yes, Joe, Sergeant.
00:18:05When I give the command to execute,
00:18:07I want you to drop the pin,
00:18:08throw the grenade.
00:18:09Yes, Joe, Sergeant.
00:18:10Drop the pin, throw the grenade.
00:18:12Yes, Joe, Sergeant.
00:18:15Execute.
00:18:18Move it!
00:18:32Thanks, Joe, Sergeant.
00:18:33You saved my life.
00:18:34I owe you one.
00:18:36No, you owe me 50!
00:18:49Fifty!
00:18:50Mama, mama, can't you see?
00:18:53Mama, mama, can't you see?
00:18:56Drill Sergeant Land made a man out of me.
00:18:59Drill Sergeant Land made a man out of me.
00:19:01And that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States.
00:19:06And I will obey the orders of the President of the United States.
00:19:10And the orders of the officers appointed over me.
00:19:13And the orders of the officers appointed over me.
00:19:16According to regulations.
00:19:18According to regulations.
00:19:20And the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
00:19:23And the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
00:19:25So help me, God.
00:19:27So help me, God.
00:19:29Nice meeting you.
00:19:31Bye.
00:19:32Be good. Take care.
00:19:35It's the uniforms, man.
00:19:38Private Conway.
00:19:43Never thought I'd say this,
00:19:45but I think I've done the impossible.
00:19:46I've turned you into soldiers.
00:19:48Thank you, Drill Sergeant.
00:19:50Carry on.
00:20:01Uh, is this, uh, unit 341?
00:20:05That's us, soldier.
00:20:06Hey, Bones Conway here. This is my partner, Jack.
00:20:08Hi, Christine.
00:20:09Nice to meet you. You look like we'll be working together.
00:20:12Christine a la G.I. Jane, right?
00:20:15What brings a pretty little lady like you to Waterpure?
00:20:19I want an infantry,
00:20:20but until they ask that crap about women not being allowed in combat,
00:20:23I'll just have to settle for kicking your little butt.
00:20:26Oh, that would be nice.
00:20:30Feisty one, huh?
00:20:31I like that.
00:20:34Shut up.
00:20:39I'm gonna have to kill your friend.
00:20:41Hey, Bones Conway.
00:20:43Hey, uh, Fred Ostorf. Good to meet you.
00:20:46You okay, Fred?
00:20:47Oh, man, I'm fine. Yeah.
00:20:49Thanks.
00:20:52So, uh, what do you do when you don't purify water?
00:20:55Well, I'm going into my, uh, final year of dental school.
00:20:59Wow.
00:21:00And now that is great.
00:21:02No, it's not.
00:21:03Why?
00:21:04Did you know that dentists are more feared and loathed than any other profession?
00:21:09That's including lawyers.
00:21:10No, see, I don't think people hate dentists.
00:21:13It's just the sound of that drill.
00:21:14Oh, yeah, and then they stick that sucking thing in the back of your mouth, like this.
00:21:19And the nurse says, oh, yeah, that.
00:21:21And then they jam those cardboard x-ray things.
00:21:24And then they, and you know when there's, you have a cavity, and they do that little pointy thing,
00:21:29and then, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right?
00:21:32The nurse leaves, and she goes to lunch.
00:21:35And she dances out there, right?
00:21:37Meanwhile, there is a lead apron, right, on the thing.
00:21:41And you're sitting there like,
00:21:46See?
00:21:49See?
00:21:49That's what I'm talking about.
00:21:51If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay.
00:21:53Oh, no, no, no, it's good.
00:21:54We should talk about it.
00:21:55Because my therapist said that I need to get it out, kind of like an emotional enema.
00:22:00So we talked about it, and said, why not join the Army Reserve?
00:22:04Be all that you can be on the weekends.
00:22:08Yeah.
00:22:09Maybe it'd help me to face those things in my life that I'm most afraid of.
00:22:14And what are you afraid of?
00:22:15Uh, well, I'd have to say, uh, damn near everything.
00:22:21Floss?
00:22:23Hey.
00:22:24Keep it.
00:22:29Good morning.
00:22:30Purifying our water is one of the most vital operations in the military.
00:22:35It is absolutely vital that you know your equipment inside and out.
00:22:42Ah! Ah! Ah!
00:22:43Ah!
00:22:44Ah.
00:22:47Two soldiers must man the hose at all times.
00:22:50This is for your own safety, people.
00:22:53Okay.
00:22:54Never lose control of your hose.
00:22:57Ah!
00:22:59Turn it off!
00:23:00Turn it off!
00:23:01Ah!
00:23:02Ah!
00:23:06After careful training, you will be able to produce potable water from the most disgusting,
00:23:11swampy, parasite-infected, diseased water.
00:23:14Guys!
00:23:16Guys!
00:23:16Look!
00:23:16It's our first glass of purified water.
00:23:19All right.
00:23:22Go for it, man.
00:23:23Try it.
00:23:24Nah.
00:23:25I'm not gonna try.
00:23:26Hey, you try it.
00:23:27I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:29We should get Christine.
00:23:31Yeah!
00:23:32She'll taste anything.
00:23:38I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:40Oh, let's get Freddy.
00:23:42Okay.
00:23:43Oh, Freddy!
00:23:44No, no thanks.
00:23:45I'm allergic.
00:23:45It'll make me break out.
00:23:48Well, then who's gonna try it?
00:24:07Who's the leader of this outfit?
00:24:10He is.
00:24:13Son, I've been doing this for a long time, and I gotta say, this is the best damn glass
00:24:19of purified water I ever had.
00:24:22Congratulations.
00:24:23You keep this up, and I'll be putting you in for private first class.
00:24:26Thank you, Sergeant, but I could not have done it without the inspirational guidance
00:24:31of my brother, the pool man.
00:24:41We're back, honey.
00:24:44Excuse me.
00:24:46Better go freshen up.
00:24:50You're not gonna...
00:24:57You're the king.
00:24:58You're the king.
00:25:15It's a giant, and this is the real king.
00:25:20Hold on.
00:25:20Yeah, don't trust me.
00:25:48you
00:25:49Wait wait hold it here a second listen hey we're in the middle of the party here
00:25:53you know your friends might come in that'd be cool I don't think I think it's very rude if we
00:25:57stay
00:25:57away more than a couple of minutes two minutes that's perfect we'll have time to cuddle afterwards
00:26:07hold that thought somebody better be dead hello this is an official message I saw a flock of wild
00:26:16geese migrating south I say again the geese are migrating south yeah well uh my goose is about
00:26:25to lay a golden egg so you're gonna have to cruise the south solo okay have a nice flight
00:26:40look you saw the goose I'm the walrus and tall is dead and I'm trying to bury my beak here
00:26:45so give
00:26:45it a rest all right that's it Jack get the phone who is it it's a freak going on about
00:27:05wild geese migrating
00:27:26you guys don't you remember about the code so that if we got called up for active duty then we
00:27:32would know that it was for real it's got to be a mistake it's got to be Chad hello mama
00:27:37it's
00:27:38Frederick uh you sitting down Chad is in the African country the one that Libby's about to invade
00:27:45uh turn off the music
00:27:50you remember when you told me that every black man should visit the motherland
00:27:53bones why do you think I chose water purification
00:27:57is your brother a poor man no it's because Chad is in a desert and water purification is the reserve
00:28:04occupation most likely to be called up if there's a desert war and there's a desert war and we're going
00:28:12that's it bones I'm gonna kill you well go ahead and you gotta relax here okay I'm gonna get us
00:28:16out of
00:28:17this one trust me
00:28:30at ease sir I know we're going to Chad but there's something that you need to know about Jack and
00:28:37I
00:28:37before we go sir yes bones and I are very close friends very oh I see in that case boys
00:28:52I guess you're
00:28:53not going to Chad sorry to disappoint you sir
00:29:03uh just one thing
00:29:08anything
00:29:10kiss him
00:29:12excuse me
00:29:14kiss your friend you don't have a problem with that now do you
00:29:20oh no
00:29:22he kisses me every day
00:29:41just do it
00:29:49is it hot in Chad
00:29:51as the Libyan raids against UN forces near the border continue this US force is being ready to
00:29:59deter the invasion threatened by the Libyan leader in his television broadcast last night and as the
00:30:05build-up here continues the first army reserve units arrived here today these units will aid in the
00:30:11supply and logistical support the growing US presence here these troops are in high spirits and the
00:30:17morale is high and their hopes are high and this mission will remain
00:30:21reporting live from Chad for worldwide news report this is Stu Krieger
00:30:44I am first sergeant Brandon T. Williams it is my intention to run this company like a clock if one
00:30:51gear slips in my clock my clock will tell the wrong time if one spring is loose in my clock
00:30:55my clock will tell the wrong time
00:30:57first sergeant will tell the right time do you understand me
00:31:03what did he just say
00:31:05I don't know something about his clock being broken
00:31:10have my words fallen upon deaf ears
00:31:13yes sergeant
00:31:15I mean no sergeant
00:31:17don't you know I'm your first sergeant
00:31:21well actually I wish you were my first sergeant but I already had a couple ones already
00:31:27drop and give me push-ups
00:31:29you will continue to do push-ups until you learn to address me as first sergeant
00:31:33is that clear
00:31:34yes first sergeant
00:31:36comp
00:31:42don't eyeball me
00:31:447 shit
00:31:45first sergeant
00:31:468
00:31:46first sergeant
00:31:489
00:31:48first sergeant
00:31:4910
00:31:49first sergeant
00:31:5011
00:31:51first sergeant
00:31:5212
00:31:52first sergeant
00:31:5413
00:31:54first sergeant
00:31:5514
00:31:56first sergeant
00:31:57123
00:31:586,543, 1st Sergeant, 124, 1st Sergeant, 124, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:01That's enough. On your feet.
00:32:04Son, I bet you did a lot of push-ups when you were in basic training, didn't you?
00:32:08Yes, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:09Well, you just did your last push-up, soldier. I will never ask you to do another.
00:32:12Thank you, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:14You just graduated with peeling potatoes.
00:32:176,543, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:216,544, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:241st Sergeant.
00:32:256,505, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:286,100, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:31600, 1,050, 452, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:35Okay.
00:32:36Shit, I lost count.
00:32:37We got it, we got it, we got it, look!
00:32:40Oh, man.
00:32:42That's a good one, Paul.
00:32:43I couldn't help it.
00:32:45You guys get it.
00:32:47Oh, my God.
00:32:48Stop it.
00:32:49Okay, good job.
00:32:53Oh, my God.
00:32:54Oh, my God.
00:32:57Oh, look.
00:33:00Hey, it's the sunroof.
00:33:19Oh, look.
00:33:23Oh, look.
00:33:31I will already be, well, I will already be in Milan with Guido.
00:33:39Oh, she dumped you.
00:33:42Sorry, Bones.
00:33:43I must say, though, this guy sounds really nice.
00:33:45He's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea.
00:33:47Hey, Jack, don't rub it in.
00:33:49No, no, you're better off.
00:33:50She's a horrible speller.
00:33:52There's only one S in loser.
00:33:54Look at that.
00:33:54And immature-ish?
00:33:56I don't even think that's a word.
00:33:57Gabriela.
00:33:59She broke my heart.
00:34:01Sorry.
00:34:02Well, fortunately, I'm too shallow to stay bummed for too long.
00:34:09Would you mind turning the light off, please, Jack?
00:34:12Oh, yeah.
00:34:13Fred, you checked your bag for scorpions, right?
00:34:18Scorpions?
00:34:19He's messing with you, Fred.
00:34:20No, I'm not.
00:34:22Chad is the scorpion capital of the world.
00:34:25Yep, Fred.
00:34:26They're big ones, too, about as big as my fist.
00:34:28They outnumber people two to one, and that margin grows with every sting.
00:34:34So have a good sleep, Fred.
00:34:36Good night, everybody.
00:34:37Good night, folks.
00:34:38Nice to have.
00:34:40Good night, John, boy.
00:34:42Scorpions.
00:34:45All right.
00:34:54I got one.
00:34:56I got one!
00:34:57I got one.
00:34:58I got one.
00:34:59I got one.
00:35:00I got one.
00:35:01I got one.
00:35:03I got one.
00:35:05I got one.
00:35:06I got one.
00:35:07I got one.
00:35:08I got one.
00:35:08Oh!
00:35:11Very funny!
00:35:13We're just trying to help you get over your fears, Fred, really.
00:35:16Fred, don't worry about it.
00:35:17You come and sleep with me.
00:35:18Yeah, well, I'd rather take my chances with the scorpion.
00:35:25God, I hate this.
00:35:27It's not that bad.
00:35:28It's like camp.
00:35:31John Jacob Jingleheimer-Smith.
00:35:35That's my name, too.
00:35:38Whenever we go.
00:35:39Whenever we go.
00:35:41There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer-Smith.
00:35:46John Jacob Jingleheimer-Smith.
00:35:50Come on.
00:35:50That's my name, too.
00:35:53Show!
00:35:54John Jacob!
00:36:08John Jacob!
00:36:11John Jacob!
00:36:23Don't eat the chicken.
00:36:25And it tastes just like frog.
00:36:29Thanks.
00:36:30Enjoy.
00:36:37Grady, go.
00:36:41Who is that?
00:36:44Special forces.
00:36:4914.11 seconds.
00:36:52Damn.
00:36:53Try it again.
00:36:55He's incredible.
00:36:58Time me.
00:37:00All right.
00:37:03Go.
00:37:05Go.
00:37:06Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
00:37:16Well, that is not good.
00:37:18What happened?
00:37:18That is not good.
00:37:20Damn it.
00:37:27Oh, great.
00:37:28It's coming over.
00:37:29Just don't look at him.
00:37:32You lose something?
00:37:35Yeah, thanks.
00:37:38Put it in my lasagna.
00:37:40You better call 911, get an ambulance, find a doctor, order a toe tag, because I'm going
00:37:44to tear off your head and spit down your neck.
00:37:46Do you understand me, boy?
00:37:48Oh!
00:37:49Hey, hey.
00:37:52You have to relax a little.
00:37:54Take it easy.
00:37:56We're in the middle of a war, and we're on the same side.
00:38:00Yeah, dude.
00:38:03Would America have won the Civil War if Benjamin Franklin did not get along with Eleanor Roosevelt?
00:38:12Right on.
00:38:12A little knowledge.
00:38:14A little knowledge to partay.
00:38:18Go ahead, man.
00:38:18If our soldiers, our American soldiers, acted like this in Desert Storm, Sodom Hussein
00:38:27would still be running Iraq.
00:38:28Uh, what?
00:38:35So maybe we're a bunch of reservists fresh off the plane, right?
00:38:38It's obvious.
00:38:40But you regular guys, you've been here so long that your brains are fried.
00:38:45So I guess what I'm really trying to say is, that doesn't mean we all can't be friends.
00:38:55Please.
00:38:56There's only one problem with you, Newby's home.
00:39:00You don't eat enough.
00:39:02No, that's...
00:39:06Attention!
00:39:20As you were.
00:39:28Son.
00:39:29I bet the mess sergeant could use a volunteer to peel potatoes.
00:39:33Yes, sir.
00:39:34Can I count on you?
00:39:36Yes, sir.
00:39:37Carry on.
00:39:40I happen to know, on this base, there's not one unpeeled potato.
00:39:58I heard the Libyans are already backing down, and we're going to be out of here in two weeks.
00:40:02Yeah?
00:40:03Well, I hear they're sending 20,000 more troops, and we're going to be here until Christmas.
00:40:08Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:40:10Where are you going?
00:40:13It's not like I've got bad breath.
00:40:20Help!
00:40:22And until they comply with you and Resolution 991, I don't think anybody's going anywhere.
00:40:29Oh, you're amazing, Christine.
00:40:31How do you keep up with all that stuff?
00:40:41All right, quit screwing around.
00:40:47Chris, send some water with this mud.
00:40:56Chris!
00:41:01Jack?
00:41:07Fred!
00:41:08Ah!
00:41:10Ah!
00:41:13How does it feel to be dead, motor boy?
00:41:16Ugh.
00:41:18I don't know.
00:41:19How does it feel to be a dick, dick?
00:41:29Dammit!
00:41:30Where's my water?
00:41:31There was none delivered last night for a sergeant.
00:41:38Goddamn piece of shit, newbies.
00:41:39How am I going to run a decent HQ without my coffee?
00:41:48That is truly a pathetic sight.
00:41:51Who perpetrated this?
00:41:52Yeah!
00:42:01Ow!
00:42:06Who did this to you?
00:42:08I can't tell you for a sergeant.
00:42:10What?
00:42:10You have too much honor?
00:42:12Oh!
00:42:14I've been threatened with death.
00:42:16Untie these clowns.
00:42:18And give me some water!
00:42:19Ow!
00:42:27I have an announcement.
00:42:29Do you guys want your water?
00:42:31Because you're looking a little bit crispy.
00:42:33You better run.
00:42:33Oh, I know, I know, I know.
00:42:35Tell me if this is right.
00:42:36I better call 976.
00:42:38Find a doctor and tag an ambulance,
00:42:40because you're going to tear off my toe
00:42:41and spit down my head, right?
00:42:43Do you guys want your water or not?
00:42:45Sergeant!
00:42:47Report to Captain Roberts.
00:42:48You've got a mission.
00:42:50Water, boys.
00:42:53Report to First Sergeant Williams.
00:42:54You've got a mission, too.
00:42:56Listen up!
00:42:58Captain Denby says we're going to resupply
00:43:00the forward UN peacekeeping base.
00:43:03This is a very simple, routine mission.
00:43:06You will fall into line in the very large,
00:43:08very prepared convoy.
00:43:10All you have to do is follow the truck in front of you.
00:43:13When your troops get thirsty, you will give them water.
00:43:16Conway, you look confused.
00:43:18Are you sure you want to send us to a forward area?
00:43:20We're just water, boys.
00:43:21You are soldiers.
00:43:23You will get in that convoy,
00:43:25and you will be a credit to the United States Army.
00:43:27Is that clear?
00:43:28Yes, First Sergeant!
00:43:29Then muscle your lollygagging bus for getting ticket.
00:43:31Move out!
00:43:31Yes, First Sergeant!
00:44:02Damn it!
00:44:02Forget it.
00:44:03They're going to send a tow truck.
00:44:08Man, what I wouldn't do for a double meat chili cheeseburger right now.
00:44:13No.
00:44:14A margarita on the rocks.
00:44:18Or some fresh buttery jiffy pop.
00:44:22That's not popcorn, boys.
00:44:24Hmm?
00:44:25That convoy's under attack.
00:44:29Really?
00:44:30I don't think so.
00:44:35Maniacs!
00:44:36Shooting at us!
00:44:37A maniac?
00:44:38It's the enemy!
00:44:38What the hell are you doing?
00:44:40Surrendering!
00:44:40Don't shoot!
00:44:41Surrendering!
00:44:46Oh!
00:44:52Bill!
00:44:56Nice going, Christine.
00:44:58Did you have to shoot so close, huh?
00:45:00You scared the shit out of me.
00:45:02Excuse me for living.
00:45:03I was just trying to save your worthless little life.
00:45:06Christine, are you aware that after a near-death experience, there's often a desire to have sex?
00:45:11Yeah, Jack.
00:45:12That's right.
00:45:13I feel it.
00:45:15All right.
00:45:17Just not with you.
00:45:19Ever.
00:45:20Got it?
00:45:21Yeah.
00:45:22Got it.
00:45:23I'm glad we could have this little talk.
00:45:25I didn't feel anything.
00:45:27You guys, let's get out of here.
00:45:29The truck's on fire!
00:45:46The truck's on fire!
00:46:00Where's the boat?
00:46:04Hello!
00:46:11Now, rickety-tick, you're mustering lollygaggin' let's lollygaggin' out of here!
00:46:27Isn't the road that way?
00:46:29I'm taking the shortcut.
00:46:31Is there one?
00:46:31Uh-huh.
00:46:32The road curves around like this.
00:46:34All we gotta do is cut the desert here and catch up the convoy over there.
00:46:39Watch out!
00:46:40Come on!
00:46:41I think I know what I'm doing here.
00:46:42I guess this is the wrong time to tell you guys I get very easily carsied.
00:47:02Bones, I don't see a road.
00:47:04I have the best sense of direction of anyone you know.
00:47:09The road's over there.
00:47:10Three miles.
00:47:11Maybe four.
00:47:13Oh, yeah.
00:47:13Maybe ten.
00:47:15Maybe twenty.
00:47:16Maybe our truck is sinking.
00:47:20No!
00:47:21Whoa!
00:47:39Push!
00:47:40Hey, forget it, okay?
00:47:44Just shut it down.
00:47:44We'll kick it out.
00:47:45No, no, stand back.
00:47:46Stand back!
00:47:47I'm gonna rock it!
00:47:54You quit it.
00:47:55It's not working.
00:47:56You're sucking too much sand into the air filter.
00:47:58I order you to shut it down now.
00:48:02You order me?
00:48:04Yeah, but I'm private first class, okay?
00:48:06I'm ordering you.
00:48:07Come on.
00:48:08The only reason you made private first class is because your brother's a poor man.
00:48:20Huh?
00:48:21You happy?
00:48:22You happy?
00:48:23Come on.
00:48:26Yeah, well, I hope you brought your triple A card.
00:48:29Let's see.
00:48:36Well, look, you cracked the block.
00:48:38I could have done it if you hadn't stopped me.
00:48:40Yeah, you're so full of it.
00:48:42You know what?
00:48:43Shut up!
00:48:44We gotta figure out what we're gonna do!
00:48:47Then why don't you just ask our fearless leader here?
00:48:49Private first class bones, the one with the highest rank.
00:48:52All you had to do, Jack, was just listen to me, okay?
00:48:55I was trying to...
00:48:56All I've ever done is listen to you, and look where it's taken me.
00:48:59Look!
00:49:00We're in the middle of some African hellhole!
00:49:02Under a flesh-frying sun, with the sky filled with vultures, ready to pluck out my eyeballs.
00:49:09Vultures don't come around unless something's about to die.
00:49:13Shh!
00:49:29What are you... are you ripping the sleeves off your jacket?
00:49:33Oh, that's gonna look sexy.
00:49:36Jack, tomorrow, we have to walk away from this water truck.
00:49:40We have two canteens between us.
00:49:42We're gonna fill up the sleeves of our jackets with water, and then we have more water.
00:49:45Am I the only person who paid attention in survival class?
00:49:49Yeah!
00:49:52There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:54There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:56That's enough!
00:49:57There's not a scorpion on your back!
00:50:01Uh-uh.
00:50:01There is a scorpion on my back!
00:50:04Frank, there's nothing on your back!
00:50:07You keep on imagining things!
00:50:13I needed that.
00:50:16I'm sorry I snapped.
00:50:18Look, you don't have to apologize.
00:50:20You're right!
00:50:22I see things very clear now.
00:50:25All right, Frank.
00:50:26Look, guys, I want to apologize to everybody, okay?
00:50:29He's okay.
00:50:30I feel like a brand new man.
00:50:31All right.
00:50:32Now, can we get some rest?
00:50:33Okay.
00:50:35Okay.
00:50:35This is so fucking awesome.
00:50:45What are you doing?
00:50:46Just felt like...
00:50:50He's always playing.
00:50:53Did you guys see that thing?
00:50:54It was...
00:51:04Follow me.
00:51:05I know exactly where I'm going.
00:51:10Trust me.
00:51:35You guys, get down.
00:51:36I see something.
00:51:37I'm going to get down.
00:51:49It's a truck.
00:51:50There's the road.
00:51:51We are safe.
00:51:52I told you I had a flawless sense of direction.
00:51:57What a coincidence.
00:51:58That truck looks...
00:52:00That looks like our truck.
00:52:09Hey, listen, you guys.
00:52:10Hey.
00:52:11I figured out why we went in circles.
00:52:14Do you remember our map reading class?
00:52:16We didn't follow the sun.
00:52:22Look, this stream is due west.
00:52:26All we have to do is walk away from the sun in the morning and towards the sun in the
00:52:30afternoon.
00:52:30We should be there by nightfall.
00:52:32Oh, so you're saying we should risk being dried up into human jerky again just to follow another one of
00:52:38your half-baked plans.
00:52:40I'm not saying anything, okay?
00:52:42I mean, I'm pretty sure this is going to work.
00:52:44But since I let us down before, I say from here on in, we put everything to a vote.
00:52:49We can't vote.
00:52:51You order, we follow.
00:52:53Okay, why order us to vote?
00:52:55That is not how the army goes.
00:52:57You have to tell us what to do.
00:53:00Well, what if I'm wrong?
00:53:03Then we die.
00:53:10I order us to do a sun-baked plan thing.
00:53:17We're dead.
00:53:21Hey, guys, just think of it as a very long day on a very big beach in a very dry
00:53:29year.
00:53:49Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
00:53:51It's the ocean.
00:53:53I don't see anything.
00:53:55What are you, blind?
00:53:56The waves.
00:53:57It's the ocean.
00:53:59It's a mirage.
00:54:01It is a mirage.
00:54:03And there are Caesars.
00:54:05And right across the street is the Barbary Coast.
00:54:07We can get a $3.99 buffet.
00:54:09And it's the ocean.
00:54:12Come on.
00:54:13Come on.
00:54:14Go.
00:54:16Come on.
00:54:18We're running.
00:54:20Come on.
00:54:22Come on.
00:54:34Here's the canteen.
00:54:35Go get your boy, because he's bugging.
00:54:51You okay, man?
00:54:53You okay?
00:54:54Here.
00:54:54Take a sip.
00:54:57Listen.
00:54:59Look, Jack, we got two choices.
00:55:02One, we can put your clothes back on.
00:55:04We can get ourselves out of this mess.
00:55:05Go back to Glendale.
00:55:06Start up our own store.
00:55:07Become rich and famous.
00:55:10Or two, you can lie here butt naked and crushed away, leaving your skull to be found by a young
00:55:15arabic prince that's going to use it for an ashtray.
00:55:21You don't want that in your head.
00:55:24You make the call.
00:55:25Come on.
00:55:25Let's get out of here.
00:55:27What do you say?
00:55:28Come on.
00:55:29Here.
00:55:31Here.
00:55:32Here.
00:55:33Here.
00:55:34Here.
00:55:35Here.
00:55:35Come on.
00:55:36Come on.
00:55:37Come on.
00:55:40Here.
00:55:42Hey.
00:55:43Oh, yo, Jack.
00:55:44Look at that ass.
00:55:46Maybe you should stay naked.
00:55:47Get some sun on those cheeks.
00:55:57What?
00:55:58Oh, man.
00:55:59Man, now, I'm seeing things.
00:56:01The palm tree's right on the horizon.
00:56:03Oh, it's another mirage.
00:56:05Oh, my God.
00:56:06I see it, too.
00:56:07It's not a mirage.
00:56:09Those are the palm trees.
00:56:11It's the oasis.
00:56:12Oh, man.
00:56:13We saved our life.
00:56:21Where's my kiss?
00:56:23Christine.
00:56:30The street was due west, right?
00:56:33It was on the map, right?
00:56:35Where's the water?
00:56:39This is sand.
00:56:47Nobody move.
00:56:50There is a big snake right by your feet.
00:56:55No!
00:56:57Thanks for not moving, Jack.
00:57:01Throw me the gun.
00:57:04If you don't attack it, it'll go away.
00:57:07I don't want it to go away.
00:57:09I want to have it for dinner.
00:57:10Throw me the gun.
00:57:24You want some of this, baby, huh?
00:57:26There you go.
00:57:27Come on!
00:57:29Oh, no.
00:57:32I'm still gonna get ya!
00:57:36Let's die for a minute.
00:57:38I'll kill ya!
00:57:41Huh?
00:57:43Shoulda-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da!
00:57:50Huh?
00:57:52It's a win-win situation.
00:57:57Will you look at that?
00:57:59Water from the bullet hole.
00:58:05Water!
00:58:06Yeah!
00:58:07Water!
00:58:08Water!
00:58:10Fresh water!
00:58:12I can't believe it!
00:58:13Water!
00:58:14Is it snake yet?
00:58:16Depends how you like it.
00:58:18Well done.
00:58:20Used to be afraid of scorpions.
00:58:22Now he's eating snake.
00:58:23That is impressive, Fred.
00:58:27I thought we were all gonna die.
00:58:30But you pulled us through.
00:58:33I don't know how.
00:58:35But thank you.
00:58:47That was, uh...
00:58:50Pretty exceptional.
00:58:54So what are you gonna do if I get us rescued?
00:58:59Um...
00:59:00I will take off all your clothes.
00:59:06Tie you to the bed.
00:59:10Rub warm oil all over your body.
00:59:15From the bottom of those feet to the top of that head.
00:59:19And proceed to have the nastiest, freakiest sex with you that you have ever imagined.
00:59:30Oh, that's it.
00:59:31Damn it!
00:59:32I saw her first.
00:59:33And look what happens.
00:59:35Same thing that happened with Gabriela.
00:59:37I saw her first.
00:59:39And Wanda Tushman in the third grade.
00:59:41I saw her first.
00:59:42And that girl in Palm Springs.
00:59:44It turned out to be the guy.
00:59:45I saw that thing first, too.
00:59:47You know why I'm not just strangling you right now?
00:59:51Because you can't cook a snake?
00:59:53No.
00:59:55Because no matter how long we've been friends,
00:59:58I never thought you'd be the kind of guy that would save our lives.
01:00:02Let alone kill a snake.
01:00:05But you did.
01:00:06Oh, hey, man.
01:00:07Thanks.
01:00:08Yeah.
01:00:10I think it's the U.N. flag.
01:00:12We're safe.
01:00:15Guys, Christine and I are going to need some time alone.
01:00:18Sure, man.
01:00:19I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:00:21I'm sorry.
01:00:23The President is in the Situation Room of the White House today.
01:00:26And the President is scheduled to address the nation tomorrow at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
01:00:31We will, of course, bring that to you live on...
01:00:33You are the Reservists from Glendale, California.
01:00:36Correct.
01:00:37According to WNR, you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.
01:00:42Um, where are we?
01:00:45You're on a military base.
01:00:47Well inside Libya.
01:00:48That is all you need to know.
01:00:50Oh, I forgot to mention.
01:00:53The war is starting tomorrow.
01:00:55How did you know that?
01:00:57American TV.
01:00:59Your country is expected to start bombing our air bases tomorrow.
01:01:02And when that happens, we will unleash missiles with chemical warheads against your bases.
01:01:09Consider yourself lucky to be here.
01:01:11Sleep well.
01:01:15You know, this is fine.
01:01:16It's like the time you got us arrested in Tijuana.
01:01:19Except we're in Libya.
01:01:20And your dad's not going to pick us up here, brother.
01:01:25Hey, are you guys also American?
01:01:32Oh, see, I see.
01:01:34I was wounded and I don't feel well.
01:01:36Please, sing a song to comfort me.
01:01:38Sing a song?
01:01:39Any song.
01:01:43Oh, okay.
01:01:46Rescue me.
01:01:48Sing.
01:01:49Uh-huh.
01:01:50What?
01:01:50I want your tenure.
01:01:51Sounds close to Barcelona.
01:01:55My team is on strategic recon.
01:01:58Huh?
01:01:59You know, that's when you go behind enemy lines and you try to locate their assets like tanks and bunkers.
01:02:04We were on our way to a resupply drop in my ambush.
01:02:07The other guys were killed.
01:02:08Killed?
01:02:14I took a bullet in my leg and they brought me here.
01:02:17Uh-huh.
01:02:18I don't know any words to this song.
01:02:20Kiss me, baby.
01:02:22Kiss me, baby.
01:02:23Kiss me, baby.
01:02:24Hold me, baby.
01:02:25Hold me, baby.
01:02:26Hold me, baby.
01:02:26Hold me, baby.
01:02:27Use this to dig around the base of the bars on the window.
01:02:31I got one of them loose all over there.
01:02:32You want to escape?
01:02:33What are you, crazy?
01:02:38Look.
01:02:38Look, it's the duty of every POW to try and escape.
01:02:41We're in the middle of a desert.
01:02:42What good is it going to do for us to escape?
01:02:44To complete the recon mission, soldier.
01:02:47A special operations cargo plane was instructed to make a supply drop at a rendezvous point about 15K north of
01:02:52here.
01:02:53If we can get off this base, I can get a civil run if we want.
01:02:56You're insane, okay?
01:02:57The Libyans are going to launch chemical weapons.
01:02:59We're much safer here.
01:03:00No.
01:03:01I'm a soldier and I got a job to do.
01:03:04So are you.
01:03:05Now get to work, private.
01:03:08I'm lonely.
01:03:10Rescue me.
01:03:13You work it, baby.
01:03:13Okay.
01:03:24Bob!
01:03:29My heart...
01:03:30You know what? You didn't scare me. I just fell like screaming.
01:03:34Don't worry about it. Most men think I'm scary.
01:03:40So you can't sleep, huh?
01:03:42I'm too excited.
01:03:44Excited? They might torture us tomorrow. They might even kill us.
01:03:48I know. It's just like the night before Christmas.
01:03:51Yeah, well, at my house we got presents.
01:03:53I'm talking about the anticipation.
01:03:57We might die. We might escape it.
01:04:01We don't know what's gonna happen. That's the coolest thing in the whole world.
01:04:05Most girls are into horses and stuff. You're weird.
01:04:10Most men say that, too.
01:04:14I like it.
01:04:17You do?
01:04:19Yeah. Horses are boring.
01:04:31So, if I do get us out of here, and I will, is it true what you said about tying
01:04:37me up and all that wild, sick stuff?
01:04:39I'll have you kiss me again.
01:04:44Okay.
01:04:48I can't wait.
01:04:50Wait. I think I got it.
01:04:52Wait. Look. Look at it.
01:04:54You got it?
01:04:54Yeah. Look. Look.
01:04:56Oh!
01:04:57Oh!
01:05:00Oh!
01:05:01Stern! Stern!
01:05:03You got to wake up. I can't turn the alarm off.
01:05:06It's not an alarm. It's an aerate silence.
01:05:09Oh, thank God!
01:05:11I thought I was having another panic attack.
01:05:16What?
01:05:18Oh!
01:05:19Oh!
01:05:21Oh!
01:05:22Oh!
01:05:24Oh!
01:05:33It's okay.
01:05:37Oh!
01:05:40Oh!
01:05:41Oh!
01:05:44Oh!
01:05:53It's okay.
01:06:00almost try again okay crush
01:06:09that was good just a little more to the left we got him yeah you guys just keep trying do
01:06:14you
01:06:15guys realize what we are doing right now this is a scene from pirates of the Caribbean all we need
01:06:21is that mangy dog right and then you can go why just try it again
01:06:57how much do you love me
01:07:09I'm sorry I don't get it what is it with us and trucks I mean we get them we break
01:07:13them we smash
01:07:14them we crash them we run out of gas I don't get it yes yes yes I understand that but
01:07:18we're not
01:07:18getting tortured by Baba Gadoosh right now okay no instead we're lost in the desert again without
01:07:25food and water again stuck with this special forces guy he can't even walk because he got his legs shot
01:07:32up Fred we're free damn we're gonna die free or maybe not
01:07:4355 American dollars and then on top of it see this truck serious bona fide Libyan army fighting machine
01:07:54and it's all part of this amazing offer my friend and maybe if you're lucky might even have a cool
01:08:00eight
01:08:00track you can play a Buddha Buddha Buddha stuff on it huh and you asked me how could it be
01:08:07why such a deal
01:08:08because we're crazy boys we're giving it away
01:08:20you like this watch is it interesting
01:08:23no no no no no no no no no no not the watch
01:08:27come on I just got the phases of the moon and the compass
01:08:32what this has a compass yeah really yeah well we've been stuck in the desert for three days and
01:08:38you're telling me this watch has a compass sorry oh Jack oh you're gonna get some noogies later I'm
01:08:43gonna just pound you like this I forgot yeah well uh well you're gonna forget about your little
01:08:48watch here Jack because it's gone uh-huh here you go my friend hey you guys in my life I've
01:08:56seen a
01:08:57lot of camel's toes but I never see one in a camel I think he's got a crush on you
01:09:05bones really how can
01:09:07you tell because he's been nibbling on your ears yeah and licking on your neck it's okay you're just a
01:09:17camel our supply drops on the other side of that Libyan base what Libyan base Paul are you blind
01:09:27it's a Libyan base covered with a camo tent what are you talking about I guess we're gonna have
01:09:32to go around it around what see that jeep right there mm-hmm I see the jeep okay but I
01:09:38certainly
01:09:39don't oh you mean that Libyan base the one under the camo tent I thought you guys were talking about
01:09:47some other Libyan base will there be medical supplies medical supplies uniforms food water radio
01:09:55everything you need yeah but where is it it's supposed to be right here
01:10:00hey you guys come on
01:10:04hey come on you guys come on
01:10:26hot wheels
01:10:43stern these things are intense no wonder people join the army be all that you can be
01:10:50in the army what happened to him his leg looks pretty bad I think it's infected because he lost a
01:10:57lot
01:10:57of blood but look at his gums they're fabulous man not a touch of gingivitis he's been flossing
01:11:03yeah but why is he acting so wasted oh that's the morphine absolutely the morphine better
01:11:12hello somebody answer us please you gotta believe us we're stuck out here in the middle please just
01:11:18get a hold of yourself soldier oh thank god it's you listen don't say my name
01:11:23what did I say to you when you first arrived in Chad uh something about your clock being broken
01:11:30close enough okay calm down son we're gonna get you out of there now listen carefully your call sign
01:11:38is now Glendale our call sign is now Burbank did you recover the fast attack vehicles Glendale oh you mean
01:11:46those doom buggies yeah those things are intense good this equipment was intended for the special forces
01:11:52team to carry out a vital mission
01:11:54you are our only assets on the ground with the right equipment in the right place
01:12:00say what you have to take over Glendale
01:12:04listen let me explain something first of all sergeant we're water boys okay please your soldiers first Glendale
01:12:12now listen up the Libyans have a mobile scud launching base right in your area these scuds are loaded with
01:12:20chemical weapons and targeted at U.S. bases our aerial photographs haven't been able to find them you want us
01:12:27to find them well what about Stern Stern can find them he'll be up pretty soon Stern
01:12:31Stern daddy why can't I go to ballet class teacher says I'm a natural these scuds can't be spotted from
01:12:40the air because of heavy camouflage camouflage why didn't you say so in the first place listen we saw the
01:12:48thing this morning Stern wrote down the coordinates right Stern we'll tell you where it is you guys can come
01:12:54here and bomb the hell out of it come on send the air force
01:12:57it's not enough to tell us you have to go back there and paint it paint it trust me looks
01:13:04perfectly fine the way it is
01:13:06I mean paint it with the laser the laser target designator is in your equipment all you have to do
01:13:13is return to that base point the laser at it and call me back on the radio
01:13:18the air force will do the rest you can be a mile away in perfect safety
01:13:25all right wait a minute Chris what get over here no bones they can't make us do anything we don't
01:13:31we don't know how to use this stuff
01:13:32Fred do you use lasers in dentistry right I know what's going on you're gonna try to make the brother
01:13:38hold the laser right no my laser was a little itty bitty laser this is a big laser there's a
01:13:43difference
01:13:44glendale glendale glendale no no can't they just evacuate the bases yeah or we can take an hour out of
01:13:50our busy lives hop in these cool dune buggies pop the base with the laser and let the air force
01:13:55blow the hell out of it
01:13:56now you listen to me glendale please hold yourself there one second I'm just trying to have a moment with
01:14:01my friends is that okay just have a cup of java please chill
01:14:08Fred when you first got here you were completely freaked right yeah and now look at you huh you're a
01:14:15regular GI Joe a fighting man from head to toe
01:14:19and Chris you wanted infantry well now's your chance let's see what you got
01:14:27and Jack my friend you were a complete screw-up but now look at you you're still a screw-up
01:14:34but if you did this and you survive you'd have stuff to tell your little screw-up grandkids
01:14:39basically you guys up to a few months ago we were all a bunch of minimum wage losers from glendale
01:14:44but this whole event has changed our lives you know who we owe it to the army
01:14:50this is something we gotta do come on just go with it Chris I know you're with me
01:14:57yeah boy
01:14:58hmm Fred listen if you can't handle it I understand man
01:15:01I can handle it
01:15:04Jack what do you say man
01:15:07oh I say I say you're crazy I think you're all nuts
01:15:11but you're the the private first class I'm the private I'm gonna follow you my friend wherever
01:15:16huh
01:15:17all right you guys let's do this thing
01:15:19kick it man
01:15:21Dan you ready?
01:15:23let's go bone
01:15:24I know I know it's just a little bit of business I have to take care of
01:15:32I
01:15:33you're gonna have to go now
01:15:36you're gonna have to go be all the camel that you can be
01:15:44you're gonna have to go home
01:15:49all right troops
01:15:53let's go bust some scuds
01:16:05all right troops
01:16:08let's go bust some scuds
01:16:09oh
01:16:10Oh, my God.
01:16:48All right. Glendale to Burbank. Come in.
01:16:51I wish we had cooler codenames.
01:16:52What was that, Glendale?
01:16:54Nothing. I was just saying that these codenames suck.
01:16:57Can I call you General Sweetpants?
01:16:59You better remember who you're talking to, Glendale.
01:17:01Are you in position?
01:17:03Guy's got no sense of humor.
01:17:04Yeah, we can see the target.
01:17:06Have you painted it with the laser?
01:17:11Just dead.
01:17:13Good going, Glendale. The airstrike is inbound.
01:17:16You should acquire the target in seven minutes.
01:17:19It is vital that you do not take the laser off the target until the target is destroyed.
01:17:25Can you hold it there for seven minutes?
01:17:26I got it propped up here on the rock. I can hold it here all day long. I'm good to
01:17:30go.
01:17:31No problem, Burbank.
01:17:32Good. Lay low and report any change in situation.
01:17:37We'll be standing by. Out.
01:17:55Come on.
01:17:57Come on.
01:18:03Tell me again about the store.
01:18:07Oh, the store.
01:18:09Well, it's going to be great.
01:18:10We're going to have our own room where people can get their feet massaged.
01:18:14Sorry.
01:18:15Look up!
01:18:38Hold your position, Glendale. And keep that laser on the target.
01:18:42On the target? We are the target!
01:18:47Tell them to hurry up!
01:18:48You better hurry. We got 60 pissed off Libyans heading towards us.
01:18:52Stay with it. Stay with it.
01:18:57Let's get these guys here. Come on.
01:19:00Okay.
01:19:02Get out of here.
01:19:03All right.
01:19:04This is for the Glendale Waterboy.
01:19:16Not bad, huh?
01:19:17Woo!
01:19:40Reload.
01:19:42Go, go, go, go, go, go!
01:19:45Go, go, go, go, go, go!
01:19:51Help me!
01:20:18Oh, shit, missed.
01:20:21Yeah, well, at least they didn't blow up my head.
01:20:25Where are you going, soldiers? We know you can do it.
01:20:27Oh, perfect.
01:20:29I'm gonna find you the biggest bottle of champagne in Chad.
01:20:32Yeah, well, don't pop the cork yet. The bomb's missed.
01:20:35The base wasn't hit. You better send another airstrike here and send it fast.
01:20:40Wait one.
01:20:49Lindale.
01:20:49The backup strike of F-111s is being diverted to your target.
01:20:54GTA, three minutes.
01:20:56Three minutes? What are you, crazy? We don't have three minutes.
01:20:59In three minutes, we're gonna be shish kebabs. We're under serious attack.
01:21:03You'll have to hold them.
01:21:18Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
01:21:21You better get the planes here sooner. The Scuds are ready to fire.
01:21:24Two minutes and 30 seconds.
01:21:29Hey, hey! Where's he going?
01:21:39Hey, hey, what kind of gun? What kind of gun? What kind? What kind of gun?
01:21:44What?
01:21:45I don't know.
01:21:47I don't know.
01:21:47All right, my man.
01:21:51You stay right here.
01:21:52I gotta go.
01:21:57Hey, guys. Move over. Move over.
01:22:06Uh, whoa.
01:22:08Cock-firing mechanism.
01:22:11Report the situation.
01:22:14Whoa.
01:22:15Shut up.
01:22:28aim set range if known or estimate who came up with these directions i don't know
01:22:34tell me to shut up one more time when i'm gonna rip your spine out and use it for a
01:22:37putting iron
01:22:38shut up i'm not good with directions push safety and hold down okay now everybody back fire by pushing
01:22:50shut up suck on this at one time
01:23:04oh sorry
01:23:10last chance my friend
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:50oh
01:23:50now my signal everybody scream like crazy make them think we got 50 guys up here okay
01:23:56okay
01:23:57one and go
01:23:59uuh
01:24:14We scared him!
01:24:16I can't believe we scared him out!
01:24:21Yeah, don't mess with the Glendale Reserves!
01:24:30Behind you!
01:24:30Two weeks a year!
01:24:32One week in a month!
01:24:33We're the few!
01:24:35We're the browns!
01:24:37We're the water boys!
01:24:41All stuck!
01:24:42Get down!
01:25:00We're the water boys!
01:25:10It's really hot!
01:25:11Now I got liquid!
01:25:11Oh man!
01:25:14Yeah!
01:25:16No!
01:25:20No!
01:25:26Yeah!
01:25:35Yeah, right, stern poles.
01:25:38Not bad for a bunch of waterboys, huh?
01:25:40No, soldiers, I'm proud of you guys.
01:25:44Not now!
01:25:52You ought to be damn pleased with yourselves.
01:25:56Congratulations.
01:25:57You did an outstanding job.
01:25:59It wasn't a job for a sergeant.
01:26:01It was an adventure.
01:26:26It was an outstanding job for a sergeant.
01:26:35You're going to have to go get a blood test, Bone.
01:26:37What?
01:27:13You're going to have to go get a blood test.
01:27:33I've got a
01:27:38You
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