- 3 hours ago
In The Army Now 1994 Online
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:01See how I just blow those guys? Look, and there's the thing.
00:00:04Look up, look up, look up! No on the...
00:00:09Game over, you're dead!
00:00:11Shouldn't we get back to work?
00:00:12I'm working. Look, I'm testing on new products.
00:00:15What are you so paranoid for anyways? Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.
00:00:18Look, Quinn's gonna fire your ass from this place.
00:00:21Do you think I'm scared of that...
00:00:22What is he? Looks like a lurch.
00:00:25I'm Quinn.
00:00:26Are you afraid of him? No.
00:00:28Bones!
00:00:30Quinn's looking for you.
00:00:32I told him you were playing video games.
00:00:34Here, hold this, okay? I gotta do something.
00:00:36Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?
00:01:05This is all for you. See all the money I'm saving?
00:01:09Wow, Quinn, look at you. You're looking fantastic. Is that a new suit?
00:01:12It's gotta be Armando.
00:01:16Oh, it's JCPenney. Well, at least you wear it well.
00:01:19Is that brood I smell?
00:01:21What did we say about leaving the sales floor?
00:01:24You told me not to, and I won't. If this place catches fire, I'm selling tape decks to the firemen.
00:01:29You're not selling anything to anybody. That's why we're letting you go.
00:01:33Where?
00:01:33Home.
00:01:34No, no, no, no, Quinn. Hey, hey, you can't fire me. Come on. I'm a crazy boy. I'm a dedicated
00:01:39crazy boy.
00:01:40Bones, let's not drag this out.
00:01:42No, Quinn, hey, look. Come on, please. I mean, my rent's due. My mom, she needs another tummy tuck. Please,
00:01:47come on.
00:01:47No, Bones. No, not this time.
00:01:49Please, there's a lot of personal... Please, please don't let me... Please don't let me go, Quinn. I could be
00:01:54crazier.
00:01:54Let go of my life. I could be totally insane.
00:02:00Bones, let go of my life. Bones, you have a customer waiting.
00:02:05You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn. I have a customer. A customer who evidently asked for me by name.
00:02:15Hi. May I help you, miss?
00:02:17Yes. You sold me this watchman last week, and I'm afraid I have to return it.
00:02:21See, I knew you'd be returning it. It's too small to ruin your eyesight.
00:02:25And besides, I could tell the one you really want is this one.
00:02:28This is our top of the line.
00:02:29Our very best 35-inch projection stereo color monitor with advanced super digital PMP.
00:02:36I'm sorry. That's way out of my price range.
00:02:39Not with our $200 rebate. No money down, 10-month deferred, 64-month layaway plan.
00:02:44You ask yourself, how could it be, right?
00:02:47Because we're a crazy boys.
00:02:51Sorry, they make us do that.
00:02:52That's a very nice offer, but this is just...
00:02:55Plus, this screen, though, it promotes good eyesight.
00:02:58Really?
00:02:59Mm-hmm. Four out of five optometrists recommend it.
00:03:03Okay. I'll take it.
00:03:06Okay. Fantastic. I'm gonna take this to the cashier, and I'm gonna arrange everything.
00:03:11Thank you very much.
00:03:13Come to the front. You're needed for a carry-out.
00:03:15Huh?
00:03:17Hmm?
00:03:18Come on. Am I not still a crazy boy?
00:03:23That is brute I smell, you pervert.
00:03:26Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:03:28... television celebrity, Jane Essex.
00:03:30Greenwald, a rising sports figure, was discovered ransacking the stars' home last night.
00:03:35Come on.
00:03:37...friends of both parties have been making frequent appearances at the courthouse all day, hoping to...
00:03:42Gabriella, you are outstanding.
00:03:44Yeah, right. This is the last time I save your butt, okay?
00:03:48I work, too, you know?
00:03:49I know. It was an emergency. The guy was about to fire me.
00:03:52Right. It's always an emergency. They better take that TV back.
00:03:55Hey, they're gonna take it back.
00:03:57Now, how about just giving your little Italian sausage man a little?
00:04:02Cassie-poo.
00:04:03... facilities in Chad, the U.S. has issued strong warnings that...
00:04:08You are so irresponsible.
00:04:11Can you be serious for one minute?
00:04:13It's okay. I'll be serious. Let's get naked.
00:04:17Not, not now. Not here.
00:04:20Why? Don't you love me anymore?
00:04:21Yes, yes, of course I love you.
00:04:24Yeah, but look, your boss is gonna catch us.
00:04:27I don't care about that perverted fat's on a JCPenney suit.
00:04:32BOTS!
00:04:34Jack, turn it off.
00:04:35Turn it off!
00:04:36Ah!
00:04:37Ahh!
00:04:40Ahh!
00:04:42Ah!
00:04:43Ah.
00:04:46Ah.
00:04:47Well, ah, I can't...
00:04:54I can't believe he actually fired us.
00:04:57Oh, come on, Bones, we blew up 22 TV sets.
00:05:00Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?
00:05:01I'm sorry, man. You know, I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all those TVs.
00:05:05No problemo, my friend. I was sick of getting down on my knees for that guy anyways.
00:05:10Whoa. Bones. I had no idea.
00:05:13Begging for my job.
00:05:15You know what, Jack, though? This is amazing. You know what this does?
00:05:18Yeah.
00:05:19This brings us one step closer to the, uh, store.
00:05:23No, no, no. What this does is it brings us one step closer to living in the dumpster.
00:05:27How are we gonna get the rent for the store if we don't have rent for our apartment?
00:05:31Excuse me. Can we play through?
00:05:33Yeah.
00:05:35Sorry, we're just discussing.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:43Army! Navy! Air Force! Marines!
00:05:47No.
00:05:49Did you order a code red?
00:05:51Answer me! Did you order a code red, man?
00:05:54You want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
00:05:57Yay. He's goofing off.
00:06:01Well, that was my Nicholson impression.
00:06:03Good.
00:06:04I do it sometimes when I play golf.
00:06:08Bones, come on, man.
00:06:09See, I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.
00:06:11When you join the Army, is it true that you have to give your whole life away?
00:06:14Nah, something like that with us.
00:06:16We're in the reserves.
00:06:18What's that?
00:06:20Let's just get this straight here.
00:06:22After our basic training, we owe you two weeks a year, one week and a month, for which we get
00:06:27paid.
00:06:27And then on top of it, you're gonna throw in $2,500 just for signing up?
00:06:34Basically, yes.
00:06:35Wow.
00:06:35Well, then how come everybody isn't in the reserves?
00:06:39Do people actually know about this stuff?
00:06:42Well, we do try to advertise.
00:06:45Oh, yeah. It's not a job. It's an adventure.
00:06:48No. That's the Navy.
00:06:50The few and the proud?
00:06:51No, that's the Marines.
00:06:53Hmm. Keep going, going, and gone?
00:06:55No, no. That's the, um, Energizer, buddy.
00:06:58Gentlemen, we're be-all-you-can-be.
00:07:01Yeah.
00:07:02In the Army.
00:07:05You need us, and we need you.
00:07:07It's a win-win situation.
00:07:09I got one more question.
00:07:11Could I get a pen?
00:07:12Oh, no. Actually, could we just have a second, uh, amongst ourselves?
00:07:16Certainly.
00:07:17Take all the time you need.
00:07:19Just hold that ballpoint.
00:07:24Just one...
00:07:25This is insane!
00:07:27Wait. Why doesn't everybody join when you're listening to him in there?
00:07:30Shh.
00:07:32It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.
00:07:34Oh, my God. You're going nuts.
00:07:35Okay, we are the beneficiaries.
00:07:37We get a guaranteed check for eight years and a special skill.
00:07:41A special skill.
00:07:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:07:43Look at the pay of that.
00:07:44Here we go.
00:07:45Land combat missile op.
00:07:48Opportunities.
00:07:48Tactical fire specialist.
00:07:50You heard him talking about combat pay, right?
00:07:52You know, you have to be in combat to get paid for that, right?
00:07:55He said reserves aren't called up unless there's a major conflict.
00:08:00When was the last war, huh?
00:08:01World War II?
00:08:03No.
00:08:0320 years ago.
00:08:04Have you ever heard of Vietnam?
00:08:06Huh?
00:08:06Desert storm?
00:08:08No.
00:08:08Uh-uh.
00:08:09What?
00:08:10I'm kidding.
00:08:11Give me the brochure.
00:08:12We're going to go to the unemployment office.
00:08:14No, just let me see.
00:08:15Let me just try it.
00:08:16Tank turret repair, land mining specialist.
00:08:19Water purification?
00:08:22Water purification.
00:08:23That's it.
00:08:24What?
00:08:25Water purification.
00:08:26I'm telling you it's a snap.
00:08:27My brother's a pool man.
00:08:29Hey, look, you take dirty water and you make it clean.
00:08:32How hard can that be?
00:08:33I don't know.
00:08:34And, hey, if there's a war, what are we going to go in there with?
00:08:38Water balloons?
00:08:40That's, I mean, but, but, yeah.
00:08:42This is for our future.
00:08:44Okay.
00:08:45If we could sign up right now, we'd get a guarantee check for $2,500.
00:08:48A few times that times, too.
00:08:50Wow.
00:08:54That's $6,000.
00:08:55That's nice.
00:08:56That's a nice chunk of change.
00:08:57Yeah, but, hey, this is for our store.
00:09:03Yeah.
00:09:04Look, I'll even give you first billing.
00:09:06No, you don't have to do that.
00:09:07No, no, no.
00:09:08Jacks and Boneses.
00:09:10Oh.
00:09:11Atlas of Stereos.
00:09:13All right, all right, all right.
00:09:14Let's do it.
00:09:15Oh, yes.
00:09:45All right.
00:09:48Um, see, everybody knows me for my hair.
00:09:55Okay, what I need you to do is just, just a little bit on the side, not a whole bunch,
00:09:59and kind of keep what it can soak still.
00:10:01I'd like to see it in something short but sassy, a real 90s look, something that works as well
00:10:06on the rifle range as it does in the disco.
00:10:08Okay.
00:10:09That's perfect.
00:10:12Get a haircut and get a real job.
00:10:16All right.
00:10:29Is my head, I mean, look at it, does it look bigger than it, I mean, do I look like
00:10:37a big
00:10:37potato?
00:10:38Honestly?
00:10:38Yeah, honestly.
00:10:39It looks great.
00:10:41It really does.
00:10:42Really?
00:10:42Really.
00:10:43Really?
00:10:43It looks macho.
00:10:46All right.
00:10:47Look at these, man.
00:10:48Look at these.
00:10:50Army issued.
00:10:52See, I think those are unique.
00:10:54Idiotic.
00:10:54No, those are unique.
00:10:55See, you're distinctive.
00:10:56No one has them.
00:10:58Really?
00:10:58You're king.
00:10:59All right.
00:11:00One of a kind.
00:11:01They broke them all when they made you, Jack.
00:11:22Mom, I can't, I can't do it.
00:11:25I can't do it, man.
00:11:26I can't do it.
00:11:27This is just like your childhood.
00:11:29Remember?
00:11:32Yeah, yeah, you're right.
00:11:34You're right.
00:11:34That guy is exactly like my dad.
00:11:36See?
00:11:37Come on.
00:11:38Wait a minute, though.
00:11:39My childhood sucked.
00:11:40No, I can't do it, man.
00:11:42I can't handle being yelled at by some muscle-bound drill sergeant.
00:11:46No, man.
00:11:47I can't do it.
00:11:48Get the hell off the truck.
00:11:53Oh, whoa.
00:11:55She can drill me any time.
00:11:56On the double right now.
00:11:59Come on.
00:11:59Move it, move it.
00:12:00Hello, sweet pants.
00:12:02Get down here.
00:12:03Get down here.
00:12:05Rough stuff.
00:12:06And take those glasses off.
00:12:08What do you think?
00:12:09You want some beaches up?
00:12:10No.
00:12:10What's your name, private?
00:12:12Bones car.
00:12:12We're reporting for duty, sir.
00:12:14All right.
00:12:15I mean, man, sergeant, whatever.
00:12:18You will address me as drill sergeant.
00:12:21Don't you understand?
00:12:25Yes, but you don't need to yell, because look, I'm standing right here.
00:12:28I'm not yelling at you, private.
00:12:30Drill sergeants do not yell.
00:12:31We simply speak in a voice loud enough so everyone can hear.
00:12:34That way we all learn from each other's mistakes.
00:12:37Oh, okay.
00:12:38Thanks for explaining it.
00:12:39From here on out, your buddy's mind.
00:12:42You will obey every order without question.
00:12:48Grunt.
00:12:51Oh, you a funny boy, huh?
00:12:54Cutie pie, right?
00:12:55Well, I don't know you, but I don't even like you.
00:12:58And I make it my personal mission to turn you into a soldier.
00:13:01For the next eight weeks, I'll be all over your butt like white old rice.
00:13:06Is that a promise?
00:13:09Give me 20.
00:13:12I want my wallet.
00:13:13Drop and give me 20.
00:13:15I'm here to hold this.
00:13:15Boy, you better get on that ground and give me them push-ups.
00:13:19It's been a while.
00:13:21All the way up and down, right?
00:13:24Pump!
00:13:27One!
00:13:29Is that good?
00:13:38Get up!
00:13:39Get up!
00:13:42Everybody up!
00:13:46On your feet!
00:13:48I'm going to crash right now, sleeping, beauties!
00:13:56Get your butt off that rack!
00:13:59Get your butt off!
00:14:06Get up!
00:14:08Get up!
00:14:08Get up!
00:14:08I'm up!
00:14:10I'm up!
00:14:12Next hand to the lamp.
00:14:14Next hand to the lamp!
00:14:16All right!
00:14:17Go!
00:14:22All right, this is Kyle, one of the men of the gyms of the game, Bradfield.
00:14:25We're happy to say run and play, but I'll say go, go!
00:14:40Jack.
00:14:40Yeah.
00:14:41Run.
00:14:43Where'd the sun go?
00:14:44Run.
00:14:45There is no sun anymore, Bungs.
00:14:47Run.
00:14:48The sun is gone.
00:14:51We died, and this is hell.
00:14:53Oh, okay, thanks for splitting it.
00:15:01Private, he's got that weapon around backwards.
00:15:04Thanks.
00:15:14See the picture on the front of this weapon?
00:15:20Let's put there for privates like you.
00:15:25It's idiot proof.
00:15:28Damn it!
00:15:33The gig line runs down the seam of your shirt, through the edge of your belt buckle, down the seam
00:15:39of your zipper.
00:15:40This is a straight gig line.
00:15:42See it.
00:15:44See it.
00:15:44Learn it.
00:15:46Do it.
00:15:52From here on out, anyone without a straight gig line will have to answer to me.
00:16:03Conway, what the hell is this?
00:16:06Just sergeant, I guess my gig line needs straightening, huh?
00:16:17Oh, thank you, just sergeant.
00:16:20Don't thank me.
00:16:21Thank you, recruiter.
00:16:34Don't thank me.
00:16:37You're dead.
00:16:38What are you?
00:16:38What are they?
00:16:39What are you?
00:16:40What are they?
00:16:41What are you?
00:16:43What are they?
00:16:44They need volunteers!
00:16:45Yeah!
00:16:48What are you, crazy?
00:16:49I sure am.
00:16:50I'm a crazy boy!
00:16:53Hello!
00:16:55Conway!
00:16:56Yes, ma'am.
00:16:57Come here.
00:16:58I'm on my way.
00:17:00Woo!
00:17:02Huh.
00:17:03Hi.
00:17:04Hit me.
00:17:05Let's not fight.
00:17:06Come here.
00:17:07Hit me or you'll be sorry!
00:17:09I can't hit you.
00:17:11You're a girl.
00:17:12And...
00:17:13I love you.
00:17:16You've got two seconds to hit me.
00:17:23Okay, but this is gonna work.
00:17:25Indiana volunteer!
00:17:28Oh, shit.
00:17:30I'm sorry.
00:17:31I was just gonna...
00:17:31I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
00:17:35Never!
00:17:36Drop!
00:17:40Yuck!
00:17:41Go!
00:17:43Oh!
00:17:44Got it!
00:17:46Can I please throw up now?
00:17:51Get up!
00:17:52Get mad!
00:17:53You get mad, you!
00:17:54Get mad at me!
00:17:56Now listen to me very carefully, Private.
00:17:58This is exactly the same as practice,
00:18:00but this is a real live grenade.
00:18:01I want you to do exactly as you've been trained.
00:18:03Yes, Joe Sergeant.
00:18:05When I give the command to execute,
00:18:07I want you to drop the pin,
00:18:08throw the grenade.
00:18:09Yes, Joe Sergeant.
00:18:10Drop the pin,
00:18:11throw the grenade.
00:18:12Yes, Joe Sergeant.
00:18:14Execute.
00:18:18Move it!
00:18:20Oh!
00:18:24Oh!
00:18:25Oh!
00:18:32Thanks, Joe Sergeant.
00:18:33You saved my life.
00:18:34I owe you one.
00:18:36No, you owe me 50!
00:18:4850!
00:18:51Mama, Mama, can't you see?
00:18:54Mama, Mama, can't you see?
00:18:56Drill Sergeant Lamb made a man out of me!
00:18:59Drill Sergeant Lamb made a man out of me!
00:19:02And that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States.
00:19:06And I will obey the orders of the President of the United States.
00:19:09and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations, and the Uniform Code of Military Justice, so
00:19:26help me God.
00:19:29Nice to meet you. Bye.
00:19:32Be good. Take care.
00:19:34It's the uniforms, man.
00:19:38Private Conway.
00:19:43Never thought I'd say this, but I think I've done the impossible. I've turned you into soldiers.
00:19:48Thank you, drill sergeant.
00:19:50Carry on.
00:20:01Uh, is this, uh, Unit 341?
00:20:05That's us, soldier.
00:20:06Hey, Bones Conway here. This is my partner, Jack.
00:20:08Hi, Christine.
00:20:09Nice to meet you. You look like we'll be working together.
00:20:12Christine a la G.I. Jane, right?
00:20:15What brings a pretty little lady like you to Waterpure?
00:20:19I want an infantry, but until they ask that crap about women not being allowed in combat, I'll just have
00:20:24to settle for kicking your little butt.
00:20:26Oh, that would be nice.
00:20:30Feisty one, huh?
00:20:32Like that.
00:20:34Shut up.
00:20:37Yeah, I know you.
00:20:39I'm gonna have to kill your friend.
00:20:41Hey, Bones Conway.
00:20:43Hey, uh, Fred Osthoff. Good to meet you.
00:20:46You okay, Fred?
00:20:47Oh, man, I'm fine. Yeah.
00:20:48Oh, thanks.
00:20:52So, uh, what do you do when you don't purify water?
00:20:55Well, I'm going into my, uh, final year of dental school.
00:20:59Wow.
00:21:00And now that is great.
00:21:02No, it's not.
00:21:03Why?
00:21:03Did you know that dentists are more feared and loathed than any other profession?
00:21:09That's including lawyers.
00:21:10No, see, I don't think people hate dentists.
00:21:13It's just the sound of that drill.
00:21:15Yeah, and then they stick that sucking thing in the back of your mouth like this.
00:21:19And the nurse says, I'll do that like that.
00:21:21And then they jam those cardboard x-ray things.
00:21:24And then they...
00:21:25And you know when there's...
00:21:26You have a cavity and they do that little pointy thing and then...
00:21:30Right?
00:21:32The nurse leaves and she goes to lunch.
00:21:35And she dances out there, right?
00:21:37Meanwhile, there is a lead apron, right, on the thing.
00:21:41And you're sitting there like...
00:21:47See, see, that's what I'm talking about.
00:21:51If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay.
00:21:53Oh, no, no, no, it's good.
00:21:54We should talk about it.
00:21:55Because my therapist said that I need to get it out.
00:21:58Kind of like an emotional enema.
00:21:59So we talked about it and said, why not join the Army Reserve?
00:22:04Be all that you can be on the weekends.
00:22:09Maybe it'd help me to face those things in my life that I'm most afraid of.
00:22:14And what are you afraid of?
00:22:17Well, I'd have to say, uh, damn near everything.
00:22:21Floss?
00:22:23Hey.
00:22:24Keep it.
00:22:29Good morning.
00:22:30Purifying our water is one of the most vital operations in the military.
00:22:35It is absolutely vital that you know your equipment inside and out.
00:22:47Two soldiers must man the hose at all times.
00:22:50This is for your own safety, people.
00:22:53Okay.
00:22:54Never lose control of your hose.
00:22:58Turn it off.
00:23:00Turn it off.
00:23:05After careful training, you will be able to produce potable water from the most disgusting,
00:23:11swampy, parasite-infected, diseased water.
00:23:15Guys!
00:23:16Look!
00:23:16It's our first glass of purified water.
00:23:19All right.
00:23:22Go for it, man.
00:23:23Try it.
00:23:24Nah, I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:26Hey, you try it.
00:23:27I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:30We should get Christine.
00:23:31Yeah!
00:23:32She'll taste anything.
00:23:38I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:41Let's get Freddy.
00:23:42Okay.
00:23:43Oh, Freddy!
00:23:44No, no thanks.
00:23:44I'm allergic.
00:23:45It'll make me break out.
00:23:48Well, then who's gonna try it?
00:24:08Who's the leader of this outfit?
00:24:10He is.
00:24:13Son, I've been doing this for a long time, and I gotta say,
00:24:16this is the best damn glass of purified water I ever had.
00:24:21Congratulations.
00:24:23You keep this up, and I'll be putting you in for private first class.
00:24:26Thank you, Sergeant.
00:24:27But I could not have done it without the inspirational guidance of my brother, the pool man.
00:24:35What you need is what you want me to be.
00:24:39Just raise money's time to be.
00:24:41I'm back, honey.
00:24:42I can't take it out of me.
00:24:44Excuse me.
00:24:45You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:24:50You're not gonna...
00:25:16You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:16You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:22You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:25You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:28You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:28You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:29You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:29You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:30You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:30You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:30You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:31You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:32You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:32You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:34You're gonna go freshen up, honey.
00:25:47oh man honey wait wait hold it here a second listen hey we're in the middle of the party
00:25:53here you know your friends might come in that'd be cool i don't think i think it's very rude if
00:25:57we stay away more than a couple of minutes two minutes that's perfect we'll have time to cuddle
00:26:02afterwards hold that thought somebody better be dead hello this is an official message
00:26:14i saw a flock of wild geese migrating south i say again the geese are migrating south yeah well
00:26:24uh my goose is about to lay a golden egg so you're gonna have to cruise the south solo okay
00:26:29have a
00:26:29nice flight who was it someone who's into birds look you saw the goose i'm the walrus and paul is
00:26:43dead and i'm trying to bury my beak here so give it a rest all right that's it
00:27:01jack get the phone who is it some freak going on about wild geese migrating
00:27:14which way who cares north or south south yes yes yes what you guys don't you remember
00:27:28about the cold so that if we got called up for active duty then we would know that it was
00:27:32for
00:27:32real it's gotta be a mistake it's gotta be chad hello mama it's frederick uh you sitting down
00:27:42chad is in the african country the one that libby's about to invade uh turn off the music
00:27:50you remember when you told me that every black man should visit the motherland
00:27:53bones why do you think i chose water purification is your brother a poor man no it's because chad
00:28:01is in a desert and water purification is the reserve occupation most likely to be called up if
00:28:07there's a desert war and there's a desert war and we're going that's it bones i'm gonna kill you
00:28:14well go ahead and you gotta relax here okay i'm gonna get us out of this one trust me
00:28:30at ease sir i know we're going to chad but there's something that you need to know about jack and
00:28:37i
00:28:37before we go sir yes uh uh bones and i are very close uh friends
00:28:47very oh i see in that case boys i guess you're not going to chad
00:28:57sorry to disappoint you sir
00:29:03uh just one thing
00:29:09anything kiss him
00:29:12excuse me kiss your friend you don't have a problem with that now do you
00:29:20oh no he kisses me every day
00:29:42just do it
00:29:49is it hot and chad
00:29:51as the libyan raids against u.n forces near the border continue this u.s force is being ready
00:29:58to deter the invasion threatened by the libyan leader in his television broadcast
00:30:03last night and as the build-up here continues the first army reserve units arrived here today
00:30:09these units will aid in the supply and logistical support for the growing u.s presence here
00:30:14these troops are in high spirit and the morale is high and their hopes are high and this mission
00:30:20will remain
00:30:22reporting live from chad for worldwide news report this is stew creek
00:30:44i am first sergeant brandon t williams it is my intention to run this company like a clock
00:30:50if one gear slips in my clock my clock will tell the wrong time
00:30:57first sergeant williams let's just collect you tell the right time do you understand me
00:31:03yes sergeant
00:31:04what did he just say i don't know something about his clock being broken
00:31:10have my words fallen upon deaf ears
00:31:12yes sergeant i mean no sergeant don't you know i'm your first sergeant
00:31:21well actually i wish you were my first sergeant but i already had a couple ones already
00:31:27drop and give me push-ups you will continue to do push-ups until you learn to address me as
00:31:33first sergeant is that clear yes first sergeant
00:31:42don't eyeball me
00:31:48don't eyeball me
00:31:58123 first sergeant 124 first sergeant
00:32:00that's enough on your feet
00:32:04son i bet you did a lot of push-ups when you were in basic training didn't you
00:32:07yes first sergeant
00:32:09well you just did your last push-up soldier i will never ask you to do another
00:32:12thank you first sergeant
00:32:13you just graduated peeling potatoes
00:32:156 543 for sergeant
00:32:216544 for sergeant
00:32:23for sergeant
00:32:25650
00:32:265
00:32:276100
00:32:316050
00:32:32452 for sergeant
00:32:35okay
00:32:35shit i lost count
00:32:37wait we got it we got it we got it
00:32:39look
00:32:40Oh!
00:32:41That's a good one, Cole.
00:32:43I couldn't help it.
00:32:45You guys get it.
00:32:47I am...
00:32:49Okay!
00:32:53Oh, look!
00:33:00Hey, it's the sunroof.
00:33:20Oh!
00:33:22Look!
00:33:23Gabrielle tucked in a little note
00:33:25in my duffel bag.
00:33:26Oh!
00:33:27Yeah.
00:33:28Dear Bones,
00:33:29by the time you read this,
00:33:31I will already be...
00:33:33Well,
00:33:34I will already be in Milan
00:33:36with Guido.
00:33:38Oh!
00:33:39Oh!
00:33:40She dumped you.
00:33:42Sorry, Bones.
00:33:43I must say, though,
00:33:44this guy sounds really nice.
00:33:45He's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea.
00:33:47Jack, don't rub it in.
00:33:49No, no.
00:33:49You're better off.
00:33:50She's a horrible speller.
00:33:52There's only one S in loser.
00:33:54Look at that.
00:33:54And immature-ish?
00:33:56I don't even think that's a word.
00:33:57Gabrielle.
00:33:59She broke my heart.
00:34:01Sorry.
00:34:02Well, fortunately,
00:34:03I'm too shallow to stay bummed for too long.
00:34:06Oh.
00:34:09Mmm.
00:34:10Would you mind turning the light off, please, Jack?
00:34:12Oh, yeah.
00:34:13Fred, you checked your bag for scorpions, right?
00:34:17Scorpions?
00:34:19He's messing with you, Fred.
00:34:20No, I'm not.
00:34:22Chad is the scorpion capital of the world.
00:34:25Yep, Fred.
00:34:26They're big ones, too.
00:34:26About as big as my fist.
00:34:28They outnumber people two to one.
00:34:30And that margin grows with every sting.
00:34:34So have a good sleep, Fred.
00:34:36Good night, everybody.
00:34:37Good night, Paul.
00:34:38Good night, Sue Ellen.
00:34:40Good night, John, boy.
00:34:43Scorpions.
00:34:45All right.
00:34:55I got one.
00:34:56I got one.
00:34:57I got one.
00:34:58I got one.
00:35:00I got one.
00:35:01I got one.
00:35:03I got one.
00:35:04I got one.
00:35:05I got one.
00:35:06I got one.
00:35:07I got one.
00:35:08I got one.
00:35:08I got one.
00:35:08I got one.
00:35:08I got one.
00:35:10Very funny.
00:35:13We're just trying to help you get over your fears, Fred, really.
00:35:16Fred, don't worry about it. You come and sleep with me.
00:35:18Yeah, well, I'd rather take my chances with a scorpion. Thank you.
00:35:25God, I hate this.
00:35:27It's not that bad. It's like camp.
00:35:32John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith
00:35:36That's my name, too
00:35:38Whenever we go out
00:35:39Whenever we go out
00:35:41There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith
00:35:44John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith
00:35:50Come on
00:35:50That's my name, too
00:35:53Show!
00:35:54No!
00:35:57No!
00:36:03No!
00:36:08No!
00:36:10No!
00:36:12No!
00:36:14No!
00:36:16No!
00:36:21Yes!
00:36:23No!
00:36:23Don't eat the chicken.
00:36:25And it tastes just like frog.
00:36:28Thanks.
00:36:30Enjoy.
00:36:36Ready.
00:36:38Go.
00:36:42Who was that?
00:36:44Special Forces.
00:36:5014.11 seconds.
00:36:52Damn.
00:36:52Try it again.
00:36:55Go.
00:36:56He's incredible.
00:36:58Time me.
00:37:01All right.
00:37:04Go.
00:37:16Well, that is not good.
00:37:18What happened?
00:37:18That is not good.
00:37:26Oh, great.
00:37:28He's coming over.
00:37:29Just don't look at him.
00:37:32You lose something?
00:37:35Yeah.
00:37:36Thanks.
00:37:38Put it in my lasagna.
00:37:40You better call 911, get an ambulance, find a doctor, order a toe tag, because I'm going
00:37:44to tear off your head and spit down your neck.
00:37:46Do you understand me, boy?
00:37:48Oh!
00:37:49Hey, hey, you have to relax a little.
00:37:54Take it easy.
00:37:56We're in the middle of a war, and we're on the same side.
00:38:00Yeah, dude.
00:38:03Would America have won the civil war if Benjamin Franklin did not get along with Eleanor Roosevelt?
00:38:12Right on.
00:38:13A little knowledge.
00:38:14A little knowledge to partay.
00:38:17Go ahead, man.
00:38:18If our soldiers, our American soldiers, acted like this in Desert Storm, Sodom Hussein would
00:38:27still be running Iraq.
00:38:35So, maybe we're a bunch of reservists fresh off the plane, right?
00:38:38It's obvious.
00:38:40But you regular guys, you've been here so long that your brains are fried.
00:38:45So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is, that doesn't mean we all can't be friends.
00:38:55Please.
00:38:56There's only one problem with you newbies, though.
00:39:00You don't eat enough.
00:39:02No, that's...
00:39:05Watch it, Sean!
00:39:20As you were.
00:39:28Son.
00:39:29I bet the mess sergeant could use a volunteer to peel potatoes.
00:39:33Yes, sir!
00:39:34Can I count on you?
00:39:36Yes, sir.
00:39:37Carry on.
00:39:40I happen to know, on this base, there's not one unpeeled potato.
00:39:58I heard the Libyans are already backing down, and we're going to be out of here in two weeks.
00:40:02Yeah?
00:40:03Well, I hear they're sending 20,000 more troops, and we're going to be here until Christmas.
00:40:08Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
00:40:10Where are you going?
00:40:13It's not like I've got bad breath.
00:40:20Help!
00:40:22And until they comply with you and Resolution 991, I don't think anybody's going anywhere.
00:40:29Oh, you're amazing, Christine.
00:40:31How do you keep up with all that stuff?
00:40:41All right, quit screwing around.
00:40:47Chris!
00:40:48Send some water with this mud.
00:40:56Chris!
00:41:02Jack?
00:41:08Fred!
00:41:08Ah!
00:41:13How does it feel to be dead, motor boy?
00:41:18I don't know.
00:41:19How does it feel to be a dick, dick?
00:41:29Damn it!
00:41:30Where's my water?
00:41:31There was none delivered last night, first sergeant.
00:41:38Goddamn piece of shit, newbies.
00:41:39How am I going to run a decent HQ without my coffee?
00:41:47That is truly a pathetic sight.
00:41:51Who perpetrated this?
00:42:00Ow!
00:42:05Who did this to you?
00:42:08I can't tell you, first sergeant.
00:42:10What?
00:42:10You have too much honor?
00:42:12Oh!
00:42:14I've been threatened with death.
00:42:16Untie these clowns!
00:42:18And give me some water!
00:42:19Ow!
00:42:27I have an announcement.
00:42:29Do you guys want your water?
00:42:31Because you're looking a little bit crispy.
00:42:33You better run.
00:42:33Oh, I know, I know, I know.
00:42:35Tell me if this is right.
00:42:36I better call 976.
00:42:38Find a doctor and tag an ambulance,
00:42:40because you're going to tear off my toe
00:42:41and spit down my head, right?
00:42:43Do you guys want your water or not?
00:42:45Sergeant!
00:42:47Report to Captain Roberts.
00:42:48You've got a mission.
00:42:50Water, boys.
00:42:53Report to First Sergeant Williams.
00:42:54You've got a mission, too.
00:42:56Listen up!
00:42:58Captain Denby says we're going to resupply
00:43:00the forward UN peacekeeping base.
00:43:03This is a very simple, routine mission.
00:43:06You will fall into line
00:43:07in the very large, very prepared convoy.
00:43:10All you have to do
00:43:11is follow the truck in front of you.
00:43:13When your troops get thirsty,
00:43:15you will give them water.
00:43:16Conway, you look confused.
00:43:18Are you sure you want to send us
00:43:19to a forward area?
00:43:20We're just water, boys.
00:43:21You are soldiers.
00:43:23You will get in that convoy,
00:43:24and you will be a credit
00:43:25to the United States Army.
00:43:27Is that clear?
00:43:28Yes, First Sergeant!
00:43:29Then muster your lollygag
00:43:30second muster your lollygag
00:43:31move out!
00:43:31Yes, First Sergeant!
00:44:02Damn it!
00:44:02Forget it.
00:44:03They're going to send a tow truck.
00:44:08Man, what I wouldn't do
00:44:09for a double meat chili cheeseburger
00:44:12right now?
00:44:13No.
00:44:14A margarita on the rocks.
00:44:18Or some fresh buttery jiffy pop.
00:44:22That's not popcorn, boys.
00:44:24Hmm?
00:44:25That convoy's under attack.
00:44:29Really?
00:44:30I don't think so.
00:44:35Maniacs!
00:44:36Shooting at us!
00:44:37What a maniac!
00:44:38It's the enemy!
00:44:38What the hell are you doing?
00:44:39Surrendering!
00:44:40Don't shoot!
00:44:41Surrendering!
00:44:46Oh!
00:44:52Still!
00:44:56Nice going, Christine.
00:44:58Did you have to shoot so close, huh?
00:45:00You scared the shit out of me.
00:45:02Well, excuse me for living.
00:45:03I was just trying to save your worthless little life.
00:45:06Christine, are you aware that after a near-death experience,
00:45:09there's often a desire to have sex?
00:45:11Yeah, Jack.
00:45:12That's right.
00:45:13I feel it.
00:45:14All right.
00:45:17Just not with you.
00:45:19Ever.
00:45:20Got it?
00:45:21Yeah.
00:45:22Got it.
00:45:23I'm glad we could have this little talk.
00:45:25I didn't feel anything.
00:45:27You guys, let's get out of here.
00:45:29The truck's on fire!
00:45:40Ah!
00:45:47Day-long, it's gonna be...
00:45:57Explode.
00:46:00Where's the phone?
00:46:04Hello!
00:46:10Now, rickety-tick your mustering lollygag
00:46:14and let's lollygaggin' out of here!
00:46:27Isn't the road that way?
00:46:29I'm taking the shortcut.
00:46:31Is there one?
00:46:31Uh-huh.
00:46:32The road curves around like this.
00:46:34All we gotta do is cut the desert here
00:46:37and catch up the convoy over there.
00:46:39Watch out!
00:46:40Come on!
00:46:41You think I know what I'm doing here?
00:46:42I guess this is the wrong time
00:46:44to tell you guys
00:46:44I get very easily car-seeked.
00:46:47Uh-huh.
00:46:48Yeah!
00:47:02Bones, I don't see a road.
00:47:04I have the best sense of direction
00:47:07of anyone you know.
00:47:09The road's over there.
00:47:10Three miles.
00:47:11Maybe four.
00:47:13Oh, yeah.
00:47:13Maybe ten.
00:47:15Maybe twenty.
00:47:17Maybe our truck is sinking.
00:47:21No!
00:47:25No!
00:47:26No!
00:47:27No!
00:47:28No!
00:47:29No!
00:47:29No!
00:47:29No!
00:47:30No!
00:47:30No!
00:47:31No!
00:47:32No!
00:47:32No!
00:47:33No!
00:47:39No!
00:47:42Hey, forget it, okay?
00:47:44Just shut it down.
00:47:44We'll kick it out.
00:47:45No, stand back.
00:47:46Stand back!
00:47:47I'm gonna rock it!
00:47:54You quit it.
00:47:55It's not working.
00:47:56You're sucking too much sand
00:47:58into the air filter.
00:47:59I order you to shut it down now.
00:48:02You order me?
00:48:04Yeah, but I'm private first class, okay?
00:48:06I'm ordering you. Come on.
00:48:08The only reason you made private first class
00:48:12is because your brother's a poor man.
00:48:20Huh? You happy? You happy?
00:48:23Come on.
00:48:26Yeah, well, I hope you brought your triple A card.
00:48:29Let's see.
00:48:36Well, look, you cracked the block.
00:48:38I could have done it if you hadn't stopped me.
00:48:40Yeah, you're so full of it. You know what?
00:48:43Shut up! We gotta figure out what we're gonna do!
00:48:47Then why don't you just ask our fearless leader here?
00:48:49Private first class bones, the one with the highest rank.
00:48:52All you had to do, Jack, was just listen to me, okay?
00:48:55I was trying to...
00:48:56All I've ever done is listen to you, and look where it's taken me.
00:48:59Look!
00:49:00We're in the middle of some African hellhole!
00:49:02Under a flesh-frying sun, with the sky filled with vultures,
00:49:06ready to pluck out my eyeballs.
00:49:09Vultures don't come around unless something's about to die.
00:49:29What are you... Are you ripping the sleeves off your jacket?
00:49:33Oh, that's gonna look sexy.
00:49:36Jack, tomorrow we have to walk away from this water truck.
00:49:40We have two canteens between us.
00:49:42We're gonna fill up the sleeves of our jackets with water,
00:49:44and then we have more water.
00:49:45Am I the only person who paid attention in survival class?
00:49:53There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:54There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:56That's enough!
00:49:57There's not a scorpion on your back!
00:50:01Uh-uh.
00:50:02There is a scorpion on my back!
00:50:04Fred!
00:50:05There's nothing on your back!
00:50:07You keep on imagining things!
00:50:13I needed that.
00:50:14No, I'm...
00:50:16I'm sorry I snapped.
00:50:18Look, you don't have to apologize.
00:50:21You're right!
00:50:22I see things very clear now.
00:50:25All right, Fred!
00:50:26Look, guys, I wanna apologize to everybody, okay?
00:50:29He's okay.
00:50:30I feel like a brand new man.
00:50:31All right.
00:50:32Now, can we get some rest?
00:50:33Okay.
00:50:34Okay.
00:50:35Fuck you.
00:50:44What are you doing?
00:50:46Just felt like...
00:50:49He's always playing.
00:50:52Did you guys see that thing?
00:50:54It was...
00:51:04Follow me.
00:51:05I know exactly where I'm going.
00:51:09Trust me.
00:51:35You guys!
00:51:36Get down!
00:51:36I see something!
00:51:37Get down!
00:51:37Get down!
00:51:49It's a truck!
00:51:50There's the road!
00:51:51We are safe!
00:51:52I told you I had a flawless sense of direction.
00:51:57What a coincidence.
00:51:58That truck looks...
00:52:00It looks like our truck.
00:52:09Hey, listen, you guys.
00:52:10Hey.
00:52:11I figured out why we went in circles.
00:52:14Do you remember our map reading class?
00:52:16We didn't follow the sun.
00:52:22Look, this stream is due west.
00:52:25All we have to do is walk away from the sun in the morning and towards the sun in the
00:52:30afternoon.
00:52:30We should be there by nightfall.
00:52:32So you're saying we should risk being dried up into human jerky again just to follow another one of your
00:52:38half-baked plans.
00:52:40I'm not saying anything, okay?
00:52:42I mean, I'm pretty sure this is gonna work.
00:52:44But since I let us down before, I say from here on in, we put everything to a vote.
00:52:49We can't vote.
00:52:51You order, we follow.
00:52:53Okay, why order us to vote?
00:52:55That is not how the army goes.
00:52:57You have to tell us what to do.
00:53:00Well, what if I'm wrong?
00:53:03Then...
00:53:04we die.
00:53:10I order us...
00:53:13to do a sun-baked...
00:53:15planned thing.
00:53:17We're dead.
00:53:22Hey, guys.
00:53:23Just think of it as a very long day...
00:53:26on a very big beach in a very dry year.
00:53:49Hey, hey, hey.
00:53:50Wait a minute.
00:53:51It's the ocean.
00:53:53I don't see anything.
00:53:55What are you, blind?
00:53:56The waves.
00:53:57It's the ocean!
00:54:00It's a mirage.
00:54:02It is a mirage.
00:54:03And there's Caesars.
00:54:05And right across the street is the Barbary Coast.
00:54:07We could get a $3.99 buffet.
00:54:09And it's the ocean!
00:54:12Come on!
00:54:13Come on!
00:54:13Come on!
00:54:14Go!
00:54:16Come on!
00:54:18Come on!
00:54:30Come on!
00:54:34Here's the canteen.
00:54:35Go get your boy, cause he's buggin'.
00:54:37Come on!
00:54:51You okay, man?
00:54:53You okay?
00:54:54Here.
00:54:54Take a sip.
00:54:57Listen.
00:54:59Look, Jack.
00:55:00We got two choices.
00:55:02One, we could put your clothes back on...
00:55:04we can get ourselves out of this mess...
00:55:05go back to Glendale...
00:55:06start up our own store...
00:55:07become rich and famous!
00:55:10Or two...
00:55:11you can lie here butt naked and crushed away...
00:55:13leaving your skull to be found by a young Arabic prince...
00:55:16that's gonna use it for an ashtray.
00:55:21You don't want that in your head.
00:55:24You make the call.
00:55:25Come on, let's get out of here.
00:55:27What are you saying?
00:55:29Come on.
00:55:29Here.
00:55:31Here.
00:55:32Here.
00:55:33Here.
00:55:34Here.
00:55:35Come on.
00:55:36Come on.
00:55:38Come on.
00:55:39Here.
00:55:41Hey.
00:55:43Oh, Jack!
00:55:45Look at that ass!
00:55:46Maybe you should stay naked.
00:55:47Get some sun on those cheeks.
00:55:57What?
00:55:58Oh, man.
00:55:59Randall, I'm seeing things.
00:56:01The palm tree's right on the horizon.
00:56:03Oh, it's another mirage.
00:56:05Oh, my God.
00:56:06I see it, too.
00:56:07It's not a mirage!
00:56:09Those are the palm trees!
00:56:11It's the oasis!
00:56:12Oh, man!
00:56:14You saved our life!
00:56:15Oh, my God!
00:56:19Oh, my God!
00:56:21Where's my kiss?
00:56:23Christine!
00:56:30The street was due west, right?
00:56:33It was on the map, right?
00:56:35Where's the water?
00:56:39This is sand!
00:56:47Nobody move.
00:56:51There is a big snake right by your feet.
00:56:55No!
00:56:57Thanks for not moving, Jack.
00:57:01Throw me the gun.
00:57:04If you don't attack it, it'll go away.
00:57:07I don't want it to go away.
00:57:09I want to have it for dinner.
00:57:10Throw me the gun.
00:57:24You want some of this, baby?
00:57:26There you go!
00:57:27Come on!
00:57:28Oh, oh, oh, no.
00:57:31I'm still gonna get ya!
00:57:36Let's die for a minute!
00:57:38I'll kill ya!
00:57:42Huh?
00:57:43Shoulda-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da!
00:57:50Huh?
00:57:52It's a win-win situation.
00:57:57Will you look at that?
00:57:59Water from the bullet hole!
00:58:05Water!
00:58:05Water!
00:58:06Yeah!
00:58:07Water!
00:58:09Water!
00:58:10Water!
00:58:12I can't believe it!
00:58:13Water!
00:58:14Is it snake yet?
00:58:16Depends how you like it.
00:58:18Well done.
00:58:20Used to be afraid of scorpions.
00:58:22Now he's eating snake.
00:58:23That is impressive for him.
00:58:27I thought we were all gonna die.
00:58:30But you pulled us through.
00:58:33I don't know how.
00:58:35But thank you.
00:58:47That was, uh...
00:58:51Pretty exceptional.
00:58:53So what are you gonna do if I get us rescued?
00:58:59Um...
00:59:00I will...
00:59:02Take off all your clothes.
00:59:06Tie you to the bed.
00:59:10Rub warm oil all over your body.
00:59:15From the bottom of those feet to the top of that head.
00:59:20And proceed...
00:59:21To have the nastiest...
00:59:24Freakiest sex with you that you have ever imagined.
00:59:30Oh, that's it.
00:59:31Damn it!
00:59:32I saw her first.
00:59:34And look what happens.
00:59:35Same thing that happened with Gabriela.
00:59:38I saw her first.
00:59:39And Wanda Tushman in the third grade.
00:59:41I saw her first.
00:59:42And that girl in Palm Springs that turned out to be the guy.
00:59:45Right.
00:59:45I saw that thing first, too.
00:59:47You know why I'm not just strangling you right now?
00:59:51Because you can't cook a snake?
00:59:53No.
00:59:55Because no matter how long we've been friends,
00:59:58I never thought you'd be the kind of guy that would save our lives.
01:00:02Let alone kill a snake.
01:00:05But you did.
01:00:06Oh, hey, man. Thanks.
01:00:08Yeah.
01:00:10I think it's the UN flag.
01:00:12We're safe!
01:00:15Guys, Christine and I are gonna need some time alone.
01:00:18Sure, man.
01:00:19Put them off the feet!
01:00:23President in the Situation Room of the White House today.
01:00:26And the President is scheduled to address the nation tomorrow at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
01:00:31We will, of course, bring that to you live on...
01:00:33You are the reservist from Glendale, California, correct?
01:00:37According to WNR, you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.
01:00:41Um, where are we?
01:00:45You are on a military base.
01:00:47Well inside Libya.
01:00:48That is all you need to know.
01:00:50Oh, I forgot to mention.
01:00:53The war is starting tomorrow.
01:00:55How did you know that?
01:00:57American TV.
01:00:59Your country is expected to start bombing our air bases tomorrow.
01:01:03And when that happens, we will unleash missiles with chemical warheads against your bases.
01:01:09Consider yourself lucky to be here.
01:01:11Sleep well.
01:01:15You know, this is fine.
01:01:16It's like the time you got us arrested in Tijuana.
01:01:19Except we're in Libya.
01:01:20And your dad's not gonna pick us up here, brother.
01:01:25Yo, it's...
01:01:26Are you guys also American?
01:01:32Oh, see, I see.
01:01:34I was wounded and I don't feel well.
01:01:36Please, sing a song to comfort me.
01:01:38Sing a song?
01:01:39Any song?
01:01:42Oh, cause I think I'm dead.
01:01:44Oh, okay.
01:01:46Rescue me.
01:01:48Sing.
01:01:49What?
01:01:55My team was on strategic recon.
01:01:59You know, that's when you go behind enemy lines and you try to locate their assets like tanks and bunkers.
01:02:04We were on our way to a resupply drop and we were ambushed.
01:02:07The other guys were killed.
01:02:08Killed?
01:02:11I took a bullet in the leg and they brought me here.
01:02:17I don't know any words to this song.
01:02:20Kiss me, baby.
01:02:21Kiss me, baby.
01:02:22Kiss me, baby.
01:02:24Kiss me, baby.
01:02:25Kiss me, baby.
01:02:25Kiss me, baby.
01:02:26Kiss me, baby.
01:02:26Kiss me, baby.
01:02:27Kiss me, baby.
01:02:28Kiss me, baby.
01:02:29Kiss me, baby.
01:02:31Kiss me, baby.
01:02:35Kiss me, baby.
01:02:51about 15k north of here if we can get off this base i can get a silver on if we
01:02:56want you're insane
01:02:57okay the libyans are gonna launch chemical weapons we're much safer here no i'm a soldier
01:03:01and i got a job to do so are you now get to work
01:03:28oh my heart you know what you didn't scare me i just fell like screaming don't worry about it
01:03:35most men think i'm scary so you can't sleep i'm too excited excited they might torture us tomorrow
01:03:46they might even even kill us i know it's just like the night before christmas yeah well at my house
01:03:52we got presents i'm talking about the anticipation we might die we we might escape it we don't know
01:04:02what's gonna happen that's the coolest thing in the whole world most girls are into horses and stuff
01:04:08you're weird most men say that too i like it
01:04:17you do yeah horses are boring
01:04:31so if i do get us out of here and i will is it true what you said about tying
01:04:37me up all that wild
01:04:38sex stuff i'll have you kiss me again okay
01:04:50wait i think i got it wait look look at it you got it
01:04:54yeah look look
01:05:02stern stern you gotta wake up i can't turn the alarm off
01:05:06it's not an alarm it's an air raid silence oh thank god i thought i was having another panic attack
01:05:18uh
01:05:33oh it's okay
01:05:44Ah!
01:05:54Yes.
01:05:59Almost.
01:06:00Try again.
01:06:02Okay, gosh.
01:06:09That was good. Just a little more to the left. We got him.
01:06:12Yeah, you guys just keep trying.
01:06:14Do you guys realize what we are doing right now?
01:06:17This is a scene from Pirates of the Caribbean.
01:06:20All we need is that mangy dog.
01:06:22Right?
01:06:24And then we can go... Why?
01:06:25Just try it again.
01:06:29Yeah!
01:06:37Oh!
01:06:44Oh!
01:06:47Oh!
01:06:50Oh!
01:06:52Oh!
01:06:52Oh!
01:06:53Oh!
01:06:57How much do you love me?
01:07:09I'm sorry. I don't get it. What is it with us and trucks?
01:07:11I mean, we get them, we break them, we smash them, we crash them, we run out of gas.
01:07:16I don't get it.
01:07:16Yes, yes, yes, I understand that, but we're not getting tortured by Baba Gadoosh right now, okay?
01:07:21No.
01:07:22Instead, we're lost in the desert.
01:07:24Again.
01:07:25Without food and water.
01:07:26Again.
01:07:27Stuck with this special forces guy.
01:07:30He can't even walk because he got his legs shot off.
01:07:32Fred!
01:07:32We're free!
01:07:34Damn, we're gonna die free!
01:07:36Or maybe not.
01:07:42Fifty-five American dollars.
01:07:47And then on top of it...
01:07:48See this, Chuck?
01:07:51Serious, bona fide Libyan army fighting machine.
01:07:55And it's all part of this amazing offer, my friend.
01:07:58And maybe if you're lucky, you might even have a Koi track.
01:08:00You can play abu-da-ba-da-ba-da stuff on it.
01:08:04Huh?
01:08:05And you ask me, how could it be?
01:08:07Why such a deal?
01:08:08Because we're crazy, boys!
01:08:11We're giving it away!
01:08:16I know all I owes me so.
01:08:18Hmm?
01:08:21You like this watch?
01:08:23Is it interesting?
01:08:24Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:08:25Come on, he likes it.
01:08:26Not the watch.
01:08:27Come on, it's got the phases of the moon and the compass.
01:08:31What?
01:08:32This has a compass?
01:08:34Yeah.
01:08:34Really?
01:08:35Yeah, well, we've been stuck in the desert for three days
01:08:38and you're telling me this watch has a compass.
01:08:40Sorry.
01:08:40Ooh, Jack.
01:08:41Ooh, you're gonna get some noogies later.
01:08:43I'm gonna just pound you like this.
01:08:45I forgot.
01:08:46Yeah, well, uh...
01:08:47About the compass.
01:08:47Well, you're gonna forget about your little watch here, Jack,
01:08:50because it's gone.
01:08:51Uh-huh.
01:08:52Here you go, my friend.
01:08:54Hey, you guys.
01:08:55In my life, I've seen a lot of camel's toes.
01:09:00But I never see one in a camel.
01:09:03I think he's got a crush on you bones.
01:09:06Really?
01:09:06How can you tell?
01:09:08Because he's been nibbling on your ears.
01:09:11Yeah?
01:09:12And licking on your neck.
01:09:13Hey!
01:09:14It's okay.
01:09:16You're just a camel.
01:09:20Our supply drops on the other side of that Libyan base.
01:09:24What Libyan base?
01:09:25Paul, are you blind?
01:09:27It's a Libyan base covered with a camo tint.
01:09:29What are you talking about?
01:09:31I guess we're gonna have to go around it.
01:09:34Around what?
01:09:35See that jeep right there?
01:09:37Mm-hmm.
01:09:37I see the jeep.
01:09:38Okay.
01:09:38But I certainly don't...
01:09:40Oh!
01:09:41You mean that Libyan base, the one under the camo tint.
01:09:46I thought you guys were talking about some other Libyan base.
01:09:50Will there be medical supplies?
01:09:52Medical supplies, uniforms, food, water, radio, everything you need.
01:09:56Yeah, but where is it?
01:09:57It's supposed to be right here.
01:10:00Hey, you guys!
01:10:02Go on!
01:10:02Hey!
01:10:05Come on, you guys!
01:10:06Come on!
01:10:07Oh!
01:10:10Woo!
01:10:12Woo!
01:10:16Woo!
01:10:17Yeah!
01:10:21Yeah!
01:10:23Yeah!
01:10:24Yeah!
01:10:24Yeah!
01:10:24Yeah!
01:10:25That's fun!
01:10:27Hot wheels!
01:10:29Hot wheels!
01:10:36Oh.
01:10:43Stern, these things are intense. No wonder people joined the army.
01:10:47Be all that you can be in the army.
01:10:52What happened to him?
01:10:54His leg looks pretty bad. I think it's infected because he lost a lot of blood.
01:10:58But look at his gums. They're fabulous, man. Not a touch of gingivitis.
01:11:02He's been flossing.
01:11:03Yeah, but why is he acting so wasted?
01:11:05Oh, that's the morphine.
01:11:07Absolutely. The morphine better.
01:11:12Hello? Somebody answer us, please.
01:11:14You gotta believe us. We're stuck out here in the middle.
01:11:17Please, just help us.
01:11:18Get a hold of yourself, soldier.
01:11:20Oh, thank God it's you.
01:11:22Listen. Don't say my name.
01:11:24What did I say to you when you first arrived in Chad?
01:11:28Uh, something about your clock being broken?
01:11:31Close enough.
01:11:32Okay, calm down, son. We're gonna get you out of there.
01:11:35Now listen carefully. Your call sign is now Glendale.
01:11:39Our call sign is now Burbank.
01:11:43Did you recover the fast attack vehicles, Glendale?
01:11:45Oh, you mean those dune buggies. Yeah, those things are intense.
01:11:49Good. This equipment was intended for the special forces team to carry out a vital mission.
01:11:54You are our only assets on the ground with the right equipment in the right place.
01:12:00Say what?
01:12:01You have to take over, Glendale.
01:12:04Listen, let me explain something first of all, Sergeant. We're water boys.
01:12:09Okay, please.
01:12:09Your soldiers first, Glendale.
01:12:12Now, listen up.
01:12:14The Libyans have a mobile scud launching base right in your area.
01:12:19These scuds are loaded with chemical weapons and targeted at U.S. bases.
01:12:24Our aerial photographs haven't been able to find them.
01:12:27You want us to find them? Well, what about Stern? Stern can find them. He'll be up pretty soon. Stern?
01:12:32Daddy, why can't I go to ballet class? Teacher says I'm a natural.
01:12:38These scuds can't be spotted from the air because of heavy camouflage.
01:12:44Camouflage?
01:12:45Why didn't you say so in the first place?
01:12:47Listen, we saw the thing this morning. Stern wrote down the coordinates, right, Stern?
01:12:51We'll tell you where it is. You guys can come here and bomb the hell out of it.
01:12:56Come on, send the Air Force!
01:12:57It's not enough to tell us. You have to go back there and paint it.
01:13:02Paint it? Trust me, it looks perfectly fine the way it is.
01:13:06I mean paint it with the laser.
01:13:09The laser target designator is in your equipment.
01:13:12All you have to do is return to that base, point the laser at it, and call me back on
01:13:17the radio.
01:13:18The Air Force will do the rest.
01:13:20You can be a mile away in perfect safety.
01:13:25All right, wait a minute.
01:13:26Chris!
01:13:27What?
01:13:28Get over here.
01:13:29No bones, they can't make us do anything. We don't know how to use this stuff.
01:13:32Fred, do you use lasers in dentistry, right?
01:13:36Uh, I know what's going on. You gonna try to make the brother hold the laser, right?
01:13:39No. My laser was a little itty bitty laser. This is a big laser. There's a difference.
01:13:44Glendale. Glendale!
01:13:45No, no, no, no, no. Can't they just evacuate the bases?
01:13:49Yeah, or we can take an hour out of our busy lives, hop in these cool dune buggies, pop the
01:13:53base with the laser, and let the Air Force blow the hell out of it.
01:13:56Now you listen to me, Glendale.
01:13:58Please, hold yourself there for one second.
01:14:00I'm just trying to have a moment with my friends. Is that okay? Just have a cup of java. Please,
01:14:05chill.
01:14:08Fred, when you first got here, you were completely freaked, right?
01:14:12Yeah.
01:14:13And now look at you, huh? You're a regular G.I. Joe, a fighting man from head to toe.
01:14:19And Chris, you wanted infantry. Well, now's your chance. Let's see what you got.
01:14:27And Jack, my friend, you were a complete screw-up. But now look at you. You're still a screw-up,
01:14:34but if you did this and you survived, you'd have stuff to tell your little screw-up grandkids.
01:14:39Basically, you guys, up to a few months ago, we were all a bunch of minimum wage losers from Glendale.
01:14:44But this whole event has changed our lives. You know who we owe it to? The army. This is something
01:14:51we gotta do. Come on, just go with it.
01:14:54Chris, I know you're with me.
01:14:57Yeah, boy.
01:14:59Fred, listen, if you can't handle it, I understand, man.
01:15:02I can handle it.
01:15:04Jack, what do you say, man?
01:15:07Oh, I say, I say you're crazy. I think you're all nuts. But you're the private first class. I'm the
01:15:14private. I'm gonna follow you, my friend, wherever.
01:15:17All right, you guys, let's do this thing. Kick it, man.
01:15:21Darren, you ready?
01:15:24Let's go, Bone.
01:15:25I know, I know. It's just a little bit of business I have to take care of.
01:15:32I, you're gonna have to go now. You're gonna have to go be all the camel that you can be.
01:15:44Bye.
01:15:49All right, troops!
01:15:53Let's go bust some Scuds!
01:15:56Let's go bust some Scuds!
01:16:23Let's go bust some Scuds!
01:16:48All right, Glendale to Burbank, come in.
01:16:50I wish we had cooler codenames.
01:16:53What was that, Glendale?
01:16:54Nothing. I was just saying that these codenames suck.
01:16:57Can I call you General Sweet Pants?
01:16:59You better remember who you're talking to, Glendale.
01:17:01Are you in position?
01:17:03Guy's got no sense of humor.
01:17:04Yeah, we can see the target.
01:17:06Have you painted it with the laser?
01:17:11Just did.
01:17:13Good going, Glendale.
01:17:14The airstrike is inbound.
01:17:16You should acquire the target in seven minutes.
01:17:19It is vital that you do not take the laser off the target
01:17:23until the target is destroyed.
01:17:24Can you hold it there for seven minutes?
01:17:26I got it propped up here on the rock.
01:17:28I can hold it here all day long. I'm good to go.
01:17:31No problem, Burbank.
01:17:33Good. Lay low and report any change in situation.
01:17:37We'll be standing by. Out.
01:17:55Come on.
01:17:58Come on.
01:18:04Tell me again about the store.
01:18:07Oh, the store.
01:18:09Well, it's going to be great.
01:18:10We're going to have our own room
01:18:12where people are going to get their feet massaged.
01:18:14Sorry.
01:18:15Look up!
01:18:35Burbank!
01:18:36Burbank, Burbank!
01:18:37We're under attack!
01:18:38Hold your position, Glendale.
01:18:40And keep that laser on the target.
01:18:42On the target?
01:18:43We are the target!
01:18:47Tell them to hurry up!
01:18:48You better hurry.
01:18:49We got 60 pissed off Libyans heading towards us.
01:18:52Stay with it. Stay with it.
01:18:58Let's get these guys, Jack.
01:18:59Come on.
01:19:00Okay.
01:19:02Get out of town.
01:19:03All right.
01:19:03This is for the Glendale water boys.
01:19:16Not bad, huh?
01:19:17Woo!
01:19:41Reload.
01:19:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:19:51Let's get out of town.
01:20:17Oh, shit.
01:20:21Missed.
01:20:21Yeah, well, at least they didn't blow up my head.
01:20:25Where are you going, soldiers?
01:20:26We know you can do it.
01:20:27Oh, perfect.
01:20:29I'm gonna find you the biggest bottle of champagne in Chad.
01:20:32Yeah, well, don't pop the cork yet.
01:20:34The bomb's missed.
01:20:35The base wasn't hit.
01:20:37You better send another airstrike here and send it fast.
01:20:40Wait one.
01:20:49Lindale.
01:20:50The backup strike of F-111s is being diverted to your target.
01:20:54ETA, three minutes.
01:20:56Three minutes?
01:20:57What are you, crazy?
01:20:57We don't have three minutes.
01:20:59In three minutes, we're gonna be shish kebabs.
01:21:01We're under serious attack.
01:21:03You'll have to hold them.
01:21:18Oh, shit.
01:21:19Oh, my God.
01:21:21You better get the planes here sooner.
01:21:23The Scuds are ready to fire.
01:21:25Two minutes and 30 seconds.
01:21:29Hey.
01:21:30Hey.
01:21:31Hey.
01:21:31Where's he going?
01:21:51You stay right here.
01:21:52I gotta go.
01:21:53What am I doing?
01:21:54What am I doing?
01:21:55What am I doing?
01:21:57What am I doing?
01:21:57What am I doing?
01:21:59What am I doing?
01:21:59I'm going to stop.
01:22:01Yeah.
01:22:04You guys, move over.
01:22:05Move over.
01:22:06Whoa.
01:22:09Cock-firing mechanism.
01:22:11Whoa.
01:22:11Report the situation.
01:22:13Whoa.
01:22:15Shut up.
01:22:28aim set range if known or estimate who came up with these directions i don't know
01:22:34tell me to shut up one more time when i'm gonna rip your spine out and use it for a
01:22:37putting iron
01:22:38shut up i'm not good with directions push safety and hold down okay now everybody back fire by pushing
01:22:50shut up suck on this at one time
01:23:04oh sorry
01:23:10last chance my friend
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:40oh
01:23:50oh
01:23:50oh
01:23:51guys on my signal everybody scream like crazy make them think we got 50 guys up here okay
01:23:57one and go
01:24:14we scared them
01:24:24Yeah, don't mess with the Glendale Reservants!
01:24:30Two weeks a year, one week in a month, we're the few, we're the browns, we're the water boys!
01:24:40All stuck! Get down!
01:25:10Yes!
01:25:14Yeah!
01:25:20Yeah!
01:25:34Yeah!
01:25:35Hey!
01:25:36Right!
01:25:36Turned poles!
01:25:38Not bad for a bunch of water boys, huh?
01:25:40No!
01:25:41Soldiers!
01:25:42I'm proud of you guys!
01:25:44Glendale!
01:25:52You ought to be damn pleased with yourselves!
01:25:56Congratulations!
01:25:57You did an outstanding job!
01:25:59It wasn't a job for a sergeant, it was an adventure!
01:26:22Hey!
01:26:24Hey!
01:26:24Hey!
01:26:25Hey!
01:26:26Hey!
01:26:26Hey!
01:26:27Hey!
01:26:27Hey!
01:26:28Hey!
01:26:29Hey!
01:26:35You're gonna have to go get a blood test, Bone!
01:26:37What?
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