- 4 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Full Version]Full EP - Full
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:14Five.
00:26:31Okay.
00:26:33Artificial gravity has set in.
00:26:34Listen up, my fellow astronauts.
00:26:38First things first when I call your name come on up get yourself a name tag and tell us a
00:26:43little about yourself
00:26:44What you did on earth and what you want to get out of this trip Todd Sullivan
00:26:52My name's Todd I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves and fuck
00:26:57name tags
00:26:58Oh, okay. Well, but we don't have to wear them. I guess but I did stay up all night making
00:27:04everyone individual drawings
00:27:08Oh
00:27:08Okay, well, I guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games
00:27:13Okay, wimmy did your serve make it over the net?
00:27:16Uh, yeah, okay, Kyle. Now you take a card. Did you return his volley it says yeah?
00:27:23Oh good. Okay, wimmy take another card. Did you return the volley?
00:27:27It says I missed Oh match point Kyle you get a reward card
00:27:33Now would you like surprise now or surprise later?
00:27:37Uh, I will take surprise later. You know the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more
00:27:43futurey
00:27:44And Tennessee. Did you make this game Elrond?
00:27:47Well, if you guys are not feeling it we could play future badminton future high lie or future darts
00:27:53Uh, you know, I'm good. I'm gonna go mingle
00:28:01Hey
00:28:01Hey, Peggy, right?
00:28:03Yes
00:28:03You know, I don't want to be super negative right out the gate
00:28:06But doesn't all of this seem a little less cool than they made it out to be?
00:28:09I mean, I sacrificed quite a lot to be here
00:28:12Oh, what did you sacrifice?
00:28:16Well, I mean, I was actually supposed to get married today
00:28:21Wow
00:28:22Yeah, but I mean, I mean we all have families and friends back on earth that we just picked up
00:28:26and left for a month
00:28:27Your friends will still be there for you when you get back?
00:28:30Huh, I don't know about that
00:28:31Sure they will! I just told my friends, gang, I'll be back in a month!
00:28:37And then I left them 20 bowls of food and I filled the bathtub with milk
00:28:41What?
00:28:42They're drinking!
00:28:43I'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here. You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?
00:28:49Precisely!
00:28:50Peggy, it's June. That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two
00:28:55What do you mean?
00:28:56Well, I mean that's all you left for your cats to drink?
00:29:00Yeah? What do you mean?
00:29:02Well, what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three and a half weeks with nothing to
00:29:06drink?
00:29:07What do you mean?
00:29:09Nothing. I... I don't mean anything
00:29:12Anyway, like I said, your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back!
00:29:18Okay, friends, listen up
00:29:20Loser!
00:29:22Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that
00:29:27Loser!
00:29:29The time has come for us to go into stasis
00:29:32Now this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like a two
00:29:36-hour cat nap
00:29:37Woo! He said cats!
00:29:39Uh, is this gonna be like a shot or something?
00:29:41No, we will each be taking five hundred easy-to-swallow pills
00:29:45Did you say five hundred?
00:29:47Five hundred?
00:29:53So we get some more water?
00:29:55Uh, no
00:29:58Ugh, God
00:30:12I slept on my arm weird
00:30:14Ugh, God
00:30:15Does the aerobed half deflated?
00:30:18Ah, my neck!
00:30:20Elrond, I'm having a little trouble moving my neck
00:30:23How did I get over here?
00:30:25Well, after you guys took all those Ambien
00:30:26Stop!
00:30:27What?
00:30:28Ambien?
00:30:28We took... we took five hundred Ambien?
00:30:31Haha, pretty cool!
00:30:32Right, Todd?
00:30:33That's what stasis is?
00:30:34Isn't that how Lil Peep died?
00:30:36Oh, good stuff!
00:30:37Oh, wait, oh, oh, okay
00:30:39You're just all gonna take them off?
00:30:40Okay
00:30:40Oh, hey
00:30:41Did you guys... did you guys notice my sign?
00:30:44It says,
00:30:45Welcome to Mars!
00:30:46A place for friends!
00:30:48Oh, that's... yeah
00:30:49That's cool, man
00:30:50As you can see, I drew each one of us
00:30:53Took me most of the two weeks here
00:30:54Todd, what do you think?
00:30:56Uh, it sucks
00:30:57It's stupid
00:30:57You're stupid
00:30:58You suck
00:31:01Come on, Todd
00:31:03Oh, here we go
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen
00:31:06In a few moments, the airlock door will open
00:31:09And in front of the watching world
00:31:11We will become the first people
00:31:13To step from this ship
00:31:14And see Mars with our own eyes
00:31:25This is incredible
00:31:34Gather around, gather around
00:31:36Just want to lay down some ground rules
00:31:38For my fellow Martians
00:31:42Thank you, Jesus
00:31:43The first and most important rule is
00:31:45Have fun!
00:31:47Have fun up here, guys
00:31:48This is your vacation
00:31:50Mars is for fun
00:31:51The second rule is
00:31:53Do not touch the airlock
00:31:54Because it will kill you
00:31:55Now, down that corridor
00:31:56Are the sleeping pods
00:31:57Go claim a room
00:31:58And be back here
00:31:59For our first Martian lunch
00:32:00At 1400
00:32:04Well, hello, Kyle
00:32:05Oh, hey, Wimmy
00:32:06I see that you were praying again
00:32:09A lot of prayer with you
00:32:11All right
00:32:11So, uh...
00:32:12So what's your story?
00:32:14Well, I'm a faithful husband
00:32:15With a wife who is quite a beauty
00:32:17On the inside
00:32:18A proud father to five angelic children
00:32:19I have type 2 diabetes
00:32:21And I don't believe in dinosaurs
00:32:22What about you?
00:32:24Uh, I'm a dentist
00:32:25Which is cool
00:32:27Actually, no, it's not
00:32:29Little kids hate me
00:32:29And, uh, I do believe in dinosaurs
00:32:33Well, we'll work on that
00:32:34That's why I'm here
00:32:35I'm a missionary of sorts
00:32:37I'm going to turn Mars
00:32:38Into the first completely Christian planet
00:32:41Okay, but there aren't any people on Mars
00:32:44Aren't there?
00:32:46Oh, no
00:32:49Bon appetit
00:32:50Whoa!
00:32:52Elrond
00:32:52Did you make all this yourself?
00:32:55I had a little help from my good friend
00:32:57Murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager
00:33:01One more time, Elrond?
00:33:02I said this meal was actually prepared
00:33:05By one murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager
00:33:10It's an acronym
00:33:11Its technical name is
00:33:12Mechanical, Ultra-Responsive, Dietary, Electronic, Robotic, Energized, Delivery, Meal, Interface, Dietary, Wellness, Efficiency, System, Tactile, Edible, Responsorous, Nutrition, Home, War,
00:33:21Mobile, Omnivorous, Sustenance, Expeditious, Xenoculinary, User-Aligned, Lunch-Tool-Enabled, Eating, Nourishment, Aging, Gastronomical, Electronic, Robot
00:33:29What?
00:33:30But that's a little bit of a mouthful
00:33:32So we call it the Murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager for short
00:33:35That's really weird and offensive
00:33:37I think that happened
00:33:39This is a one-of-a-kind prototype
00:33:40But in a few years, Lord willing
00:33:42Every town from Chicago to New Orleans
00:33:44Will have its own Murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager
00:33:48Gotta fix that acronym
00:33:49Yeah, some of those words seemed unnecessary
00:33:51You said robotic twice
00:33:53Hey, I didn't name it
00:33:54Take it up with the good people that the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated
00:33:57I'm sorry, what?
00:33:59It's a company
00:33:59It stands for Technological Human Electronics
00:34:02Okay, okay, so how does this thing work?
00:34:04It's basically like a 3D printer for food
00:34:06You just say whatever you want it to make
00:34:08And it-
00:34:09Jager
00:34:12Rad
00:34:13You got to hit that shit when the DJ's on
00:34:16Yeah, baby, wear my silk pajama when the food is wrong
00:34:20You got to hit that shit when they play your song
00:34:24You got your, you got your, you got your ground
00:34:27Yeah, you got your arm
00:34:28Oh, yeah
00:34:35Oh, yeah
00:34:44Whoa, hey, Wimmy
00:34:48Good morning
00:34:49This is a surprise
00:34:50Yeah, you're in my bed
00:34:52Oh, well, are we sure you didn't get in my bed?
00:34:56Yep
00:34:57This is my bed
00:34:58Oh, well, last night was the first in 18 years that I didn't share my bed with my lovely on
00:35:03-the-inside wife
00:35:04So in my sleep I must have wandered over here, mistaking your bodily warmth for hers
00:35:08Okay, well, I'm going to get up
00:35:1310-4, good buddy
00:35:21There were good people on both sides of the Charlottesville fans
00:35:28They even put spaces in the-
00:35:29Fuck this company
00:35:32Last night was fun
00:35:35You know what, Peggy? Last night was fun
00:35:37I think this is a really great group we got here
00:35:40And it's cool that we're on Mars
00:35:43And it's cool we're on Mars
00:35:44You're right, Peggy
00:35:46Fucking Mars
00:35:48All right
00:35:51Oh, boy, you know what that alarm means
00:35:54It's time for Kyle's surprise
00:35:57Okay, what's going on? What are we talking about?
00:36:00Your surprise
00:36:00Surprise later from Future Tennis
00:36:03Oh, right, hey, wow, look at me
00:36:06Everything's coming up, Kyle
00:36:07Now I know the Martian landscape can feel pretty foreign
00:36:11But you've won something that's going to make this place feel a lot more like home
00:36:16All right, okay
00:36:18Lay it on me, fun
00:36:19Okay, Kyle
00:36:21Say hello to your very own
00:36:24Talk to me, baby
00:36:26What do we got?
00:36:29Fiance
00:36:31What the fuck?
00:36:32What the fuck?
00:36:34Wait, how is
00:36:35How, how, how is she here now?
00:36:37When you won Future Tennis
00:36:39I asked if you wanted surprise now or surprise later
00:36:41You said surprise later
00:36:43She shouldn't be here
00:36:44This is bad
00:36:45Can we pause?
00:36:46Can we, can we pause for a second?
00:36:47Can we make the door go back up, please?
00:36:49No, Kyle
00:36:50We have to get her out of there
00:36:51That's a decompression chamber
00:36:52They're very dangerous
00:36:54Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God
00:36:55Fuck me, fuck me
00:36:56Oh, fuck
00:36:57Ha, ha, ha, hi, Pumpkin
00:37:00Hi, Kyle
00:37:04Hi, I'm Candace
00:37:05Kyle's fiance
00:37:06That's funny, Kyle never talked about you at all
00:37:08Yeah, I did
00:37:09Yes, I know
00:37:09I'm sure that I did
00:37:11So this is, this is crazy
00:37:13This is all so surprising
00:37:14How are you here?
00:37:15Well, when you chose surprise later
00:37:17I knew we had to think of something really good for you
00:37:20And as luck would have it right then
00:37:22Candace showed up at the launch pad
00:37:24And was going on and on
00:37:25About how much she needed to get up here and get to you
00:37:28When I found out, I said, what the heck
00:37:30Send her up in a supply pod
00:37:32Nothing is more important than true love
00:37:34That's so cool
00:37:35What would have happened if he chose surprise now?
00:37:38He would have won $400,000
00:37:42Oh, $400,000
00:37:43Yeah
00:37:47Candace, could we just have a little sidebar
00:37:49To kind of clear the air
00:37:50Because, you know, I'm sensing a little hostility between us
00:37:54I'm not hostile, Kyle
00:37:56Are you hostile?
00:37:57No, no, no
00:37:58I just, I feel like you're
00:38:00I mean, I don't want to tell you how you feel
00:38:02But I imagine that you would have the right
00:38:06To be frustrated with me
00:38:10I'm perfectly calm, Kyle
00:38:12Yeah, but, um
00:38:14You seem mad
00:38:15I'm not mad
00:38:16Are you mad?
00:38:18No, no, no
00:38:18I'm not mad at all
00:38:20Okay, then we're not mad
00:38:22Let's just drop it
00:38:23Okay, yeah, yeah
00:38:24Fine
00:38:25I mean, it just, it seems kind of weird
00:38:27You motherfucker!
00:38:29Help!
00:38:30She's gonna kill me!
00:38:31You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:34Okay, everyone
00:38:35Seems like the perfect time for a little safety meeting
00:38:38We've had some rather unsafe behavior recently
00:39:10I'm not going to name names
00:39:14Airlock C-L-O-S-E
00:39:25Okay, luckily we have a safeguard built in
00:39:28If you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your spacesuit
00:39:32Just give the voice command
00:39:33Abort airlock procedure
00:39:35Well then do it!
00:39:36I am doing it
00:39:38I was trying to
00:39:39Abort airlock
00:39:41I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that
00:39:44Evacuating airlock in 20 seconds
00:39:46Guys, you cannot say the command while people are talking
00:39:49You all have to be
00:39:50Okay, Kyle
00:39:50I'm gonna take it from here, okay?
00:39:52Abort airlock
00:39:52Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle
00:39:54I'm sorry, I didn't quite get you
00:39:55Candace, now you did it!
00:39:56I'm sorry, I was telling Kyle to be quiet for you
00:39:59I wasn't gonna say anything
00:40:00You just did it right there!
00:40:02Evacuating airlock in 10 seconds
00:40:03Everyone, shut up!
00:40:05Everyone, shut up!
00:40:06Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:07Shut up!
00:40:08Wimmy, shut up!
00:40:09Stop!
00:40:09You just talked, Candace!
00:40:11Wimmy!
00:40:11Sorry, everyone!
00:40:12Will you both shut the fuck up?
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:18Abort airlock procedure
00:40:22Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
00:40:24What the fuck?
00:40:24oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh did that
00:40:27just happen
00:40:28you guys are actually louder than my music did you not see that what are you talking about
00:40:34el ron is dead who el ron the billionaire guy that brought us here the el ron the main guy
00:40:42el ron oh right he died his head exploded fuck off holy shit oh that is fucking cool
00:40:53No, isn't that fucking cool?
00:40:55Elrond Branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship.
00:40:58Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty.
00:41:01Fat man, be quiet, not now.
00:41:04Okay, okay, okay.
00:41:05We just, we need to keep our heads together.
00:41:08Poor choice of words, dude.
00:41:09What?
00:41:10Poor choice of words.
00:41:11What?
00:41:12You said let's keep our heads together.
00:41:14His head exploded.
00:41:15The things you say are inappropriate and you don't realize it.
00:41:18You're dumb.
00:41:19Holy shit, he won't stop singing.
00:41:21Oh, I'm sorry.
00:41:23I'm just the only one trying to get us out of this mess.
00:41:25How?
00:41:26Uh, by sending a little S.O.S. to the big man upstairs.
00:41:29But, Wimmy, God's not real.
00:41:34Peggy, isn't it enough that you killed our captain?
00:41:37Do you have to blasphemy God while you're at it?
00:41:39I didn't kill him.
00:41:40You're the one who said airlock closed.
00:41:43Airlock closed.
00:41:44Hey, come on, Wimmy.
00:41:46Leave Peggy alone.
00:41:47She can't help it.
00:41:47She's, you know.
00:41:49What are you saying, Kyle?
00:41:50Well, I mean, Peggy is obviously, she's, you know, Peggy, I don't want to offend you,
00:41:56but, I mean, you're obviously, like, you have a mental thing, right?
00:42:02Are you mentally handicapped?
00:42:04Oh.
00:42:05I'm sorry.
00:42:06No, that came out wrong.
00:42:08Look, it's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other.
00:42:11Now, I'm sure each one of us in this room has made mistakes.
00:42:15And right now, the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive everyone here
00:42:20so that we can all work together moving forward.
00:42:23So we can all work together moving forward.
00:42:27Todd, what is with the attitude?
00:42:29I don't have an attitude.
00:42:30Well, I'm not your fucking dad, man.
00:42:31I know you're not my dad.
00:42:33My dad is awesome.
00:42:35Is Alron okay?
00:42:43Okay, we have to get in touch with Mission Control.
00:42:45Tell them what happened and get them to pick us up and take us home.
00:42:48I know!
00:42:49Hit this one!
00:42:50Peggy, don't touch.
00:42:52This is dangerous.
00:42:53Okay, from now on, no one touches anything.
00:42:57Todd!
00:42:58Telecom.
00:42:59It's short for telecommunications.
00:43:02Mission Control.
00:43:03Can you hear us?
00:43:04There they are!
00:43:06You bastards!
00:43:07You bastards!
00:43:09Come to kill us now, too?
00:43:12Guys, guys, we are so sorry about Elron.
00:43:16It was an accident.
00:43:17We saw everything!
00:43:19There's cameras!
00:43:20Uh, what do we do?
00:43:23How do we get back home?
00:43:23What happens?
00:43:24Okay.
00:43:26Well, we should be able to just have the ship automatically bring you home.
00:43:30Just don't touch that big red button.
00:43:33Um, Peggy already did.
00:43:37What?
00:43:38You didn't hear a grinding sound, did you?
00:43:40Yeah.
00:43:41Well, great.
00:43:42That just disengaged all the return boosters.
00:43:45Oh, thank you, Peggy.
00:43:46Did I fix it?
00:43:47Well, now what?
00:43:48Are we screwed?
00:43:49Is there another way to get back?
00:43:50Of course there is.
00:43:52In the sciences, we always prepare for a plan B.
00:43:56Oh, thank God.
00:43:58Yeah.
00:43:58If we start constructing another ship now, we can get to you guys in about five years.
00:44:04Five years?
00:44:05Did you say five years?
00:44:07We're all going to be stuck up here for five years?
00:44:09Five.
00:44:09Five whole years.
00:44:10Well, maybe you should have thought about that.
00:44:12Before you killed Al Rock Branson, he was a candle in the wind.
00:44:16And a rocket man.
00:44:19That dude was a nerd.
00:44:22Nerd?
00:44:23Nerd?
00:44:24You know what?
00:44:24That's the problem with cools.
00:44:27You guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody.
00:44:30Well, if you wanted a world without nerds, then Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, you're on one.
00:44:38Nerds out!
00:44:39No, no, no.
00:44:40Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:42No.
00:44:43No!
00:44:53I cannot get enough of things like that.
00:44:55Look at that.
00:44:55Now, let's see if we can go frame by frame.
00:44:57Toby, can we go frame by frame here?
00:44:59Someone get Toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame.
00:45:01Okay, here we go.
00:45:02Now he's like, oh, oh, I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble.
00:45:05Oh, boom!
00:45:07Rewind.
00:45:08See?
00:45:08See?
00:45:08He's still alive there.
00:45:09Still alive there.
00:45:10There.
00:45:11Still alive.
00:45:11And he's feeling it right there.
00:45:14And that's where I think he died.
00:45:15What about you?
00:45:16I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff.
00:45:18Oh, not me.
00:45:19I have a whole folder of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home.
00:45:22It's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in it.
00:45:25Getting back to the crisis at hand, millions and millions of viewers
00:45:28around the globe are mourning the loss of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson
00:45:32and watching the developments with bated breath.
00:45:35So much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed
00:45:38so concerned citizens can monitor the events in the space station around the clock.
00:45:42And with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person
00:45:46who knew how to operate the ship, how do you think the crew's holding up?
00:45:49I tell you, it must be incredibly, incredibly tense up there.
00:45:53Let's take a look at the feed.
00:45:55Where should we start?
00:45:56Hey, why not the women's bathroom?
00:45:58I like the way you think.
00:45:59Stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up.
00:46:02But you're going to remind him.
00:46:06You're the hottest bitch on this planet.
00:46:08Pizza, roast beef, chocolate, Frosted Lucky Charms, Reese's Buffs, Cocoa Buffs.
00:46:25Hi.
00:46:28So, Todd, huh?
00:46:30That's an interesting name.
00:46:33I'm not going to stick my dick in crazy.
00:46:34What?
00:46:35You just told your boyfriend you're on a break.
00:46:37You're hurt, you're angry, you want to fuck somebody, you're being crazy.
00:46:41Oh, my God.
00:46:42I wouldn't even think.
00:46:44Okay, sweet.
00:46:45That is not why I came over here.
00:46:48Oh, okay.
00:46:49My mistake.
00:46:49And for your information, crazy girls are the best in bed.
00:46:54That's not true.
00:46:55That's just something crazy girls say.
00:46:57Oh!
00:47:03Hey, Peggy.
00:47:05They never said there was a limit on how much food we can make.
00:47:08God, it stinks in here.
00:47:10Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say, you were looking pretty hot tonight.
00:47:15Shut up!
00:47:17Literally nobody has ever said that to me.
00:47:21Literally!
00:47:22That's a shame.
00:47:23Because I think you're fucking sexy.
00:47:26Candace, you are blowing my mind right now.
00:47:29What do you say we lock this door, put on some music, grab a bottle of Everclear, and...
00:47:37Candace, I'm gonna stop you right there!
00:47:39And don't stick my fingers in crazy!
00:47:41What?
00:47:42It's my one rule!
00:47:43Don't get me wrong, Candace, you're a very attractive woman!
00:47:47And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered!
00:47:49But I know where this road leads, and it's not a place where either of us would feel good...
00:47:55And what the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship?
00:48:04Hey there.
00:48:06Whimmy, right?
00:48:09Shhh...
00:48:10Shhh...
00:48:11Shhh...
00:48:13Shhh...
00:48:14Shhh...
00:48:14Shhh...
00:48:14Shhh...
00:48:14Shhh...
00:48:14Shhh...
00:48:16Shhh...
00:48:24Shhh...
00:48:25What say you and I have a little drink?
00:48:28Let me stop you right there.
00:48:29I do not imbibe.
00:48:31But I am happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize
00:48:35your soul with alcohol.
00:48:37Shhh...
00:48:37You're funny.
00:48:39Listen, Whimmy.
00:48:41You're a man with needs.
00:48:43I'm a woman with needs.
00:48:45What do you say we help each other out?
00:48:47What?!
00:48:47No!
00:48:48No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
00:48:49I am taken!
00:48:51Here's the Tillium's Clan right here!
00:48:53Ah!
00:48:54What?!
00:48:55Ah!
00:48:58Ah!
00:48:58Ah!
00:49:01Ah!
00:49:02Candace!
00:49:02We just adulteried!
00:49:04I adulteried!
00:49:05I just betrayed my wife and children!
00:49:11I'm sorry.
00:49:12I just don't know what's going on with me.
00:49:14This whole thing with me and Kyle has me feel like I'm losing my mind.
00:49:20I'm not usually like this, I swear.
00:49:22Okay.
00:49:23Well, the Lord has everything happen for a reason, so maybe he can use this as a teachable moment.
00:49:32Okay.
00:49:33John 3.16 says, for God so loved the earth that he gave his only begotten Son.
00:49:37Yeah, but, Wimmy, we're not on earth.
00:49:41Well, it says earth, but it means the whole solar system.
00:49:44Well, why would he say earth if he meant solar system?
00:49:49Candace.
00:49:49Well, way back when this was written, God probably had no idea that in the future man would make it
00:49:54to other planets.
00:49:56Well, I mean, he knew, he just, he had to know, he just probably didn't, I mean, hold on.
00:50:04Hey, hey, I mean, I get it, guys.
00:50:06In high school, I wasn't the most popular guy either.
00:50:09I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 18.
00:50:1418?! 18?!
00:50:15That's not nerdy, that's cool!
00:50:17No, I didn't mean 18, it wasn't 18.
00:50:19I don't know why I said that, it was way later, it was like, like 20.
00:50:2320?!
00:50:24Nine, 29.
00:50:25I was 29.
00:50:26Oh.
00:50:27Okay.
00:50:29That's pretty lame, I guess.
00:50:31I mean, I kissed a girl when I was 28.
00:50:34I didn't, but I could've.
00:50:36Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:50:37You, you kissed a girl at 28?
00:50:40Are you sure I'm not talking to a couple of cools right now?
00:50:44Yeah, right.
00:50:45Get out of here.
00:50:47You don't really think that.
00:50:48Oh, I don't know, I'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now.
00:50:53Shut up.
00:50:54You know what would be really cool though?
00:50:56If you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home.
00:51:00Well, I guess us cools have to stick together.
00:51:05Haha, that's right.
00:51:06Okay, well, it's not gonna be easy,
00:51:09but I think if we all keep our cool,
00:51:13we'll be able to walk you through it.
00:51:15First thing you're gonna need to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tanks.
00:51:20Kyle!
00:51:20I'm so sorry.
00:51:22Can we talk?
00:51:23Just, just, just a minute, Candace.
00:51:25The mission control guys are helping us get home.
00:51:27Alright, now, to do this, you'll need to divert the fuel from the station's resting generators
00:51:32to the ship's return tank.
00:51:34Okay, resting generators.
00:51:35Got it.
00:51:35I cheated on you with Wimmy.
00:51:39With Wimmy?
00:51:40What?
00:51:40Why?
00:51:41Weird.
00:51:42Okay, alright.
00:51:43Look, Candace, that is really shitty, and we will have to talk about that,
00:51:48but I, I gotta do this right now.
00:51:49This is what I'm talking about!
00:51:51I travel all the way through space to get to Mars to talk to you,
00:51:55and all you do is ignore me!
00:51:58Guys, is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal,
00:52:01or is this somewhere in the ship here?
00:52:03That is outside of the ship.
00:52:04Right on the underside of the central pond.
00:52:07Hiya!
00:52:08Candace, no!
00:52:11Two years of my life, Kyle!
00:52:14My two best years wasted with you!
00:52:19Oh, my God!
00:52:20Candace, stop!
00:52:23Ah!
00:52:25Ah!
00:52:26Oh, my God!
00:52:27I could have married Brian Delaney!
00:52:30Ah!
00:52:32Ah!
00:52:34Ah!
00:52:36Ah!
00:52:37Ah!
00:52:38Ah!
00:52:46Ah!
00:53:03Ah!
00:53:03Ah!
00:53:04Ah!
00:53:05Ah!
00:53:05Ah!
00:53:05Ah!
00:53:06Ah!
00:53:06Ah!
00:53:07Ah!
00:53:07Ah!
00:53:07Ah!
00:53:08Ah!
00:53:08Do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:53:12Todd, I don't know how to fix the container, and I saw her do it.
00:53:17She threw the thing, and then it made the thing punch right through it.
00:53:20We're going to die. We're all going to die.
00:53:22What are you talking about?
00:53:23We're going to die, man.
00:53:25And why do you think we're dying?
00:53:26Because I saw the fucking air. Our air is sucked out into outer space.
00:53:31Okay, and how did that happen?
00:53:33Because this bitch...
00:53:34Yay!
00:53:35No, no, do not judge me until I have finished my sentence,
00:53:40because then you will see that she has murdered you,
00:53:45and she has murdered you, and she has murdered me,
00:53:50and she has also committed suicide and killed Wimmy.
00:53:55Where's Wimmy?
00:53:57There is no God here. We abandoned him when we left the Earth.
00:54:00He has no jurisdiction up here.
00:54:02The Red Planet is the planet of.
00:54:05The Devil.
00:54:07Okay. First of all, I'm going to apologize to the room.
00:54:11Uh, I lost my cool there.
00:54:13I said some things that didn't need to be said,
00:54:15and it's important for a leader to be calm and collected.
00:54:18What?
00:54:19What?
00:54:20Dude, you are amazing.
00:54:22Hey, can you say that part about you being the leader again?
00:54:25Kyle, do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:54:27Kyle hates future tennis.
00:54:29He thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for two years
00:54:32come and see you after you try to run away from them.
00:54:34Okay, Candace, can we try and stay focused, please?
00:54:37Life-threatening situation here.
00:54:38Ring a bell, you threw a fit, now we're fucked.
00:54:41We're fucked?
00:54:41Yes, we're fucked!
00:54:42We're not fucked.
00:54:44We still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home.
00:54:48No, the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do.
00:54:51Let me guess what they said.
00:54:52We have to refuel, fill up the gas tank.
00:54:55They, well, they said fuel reserve.
00:54:58Uh-huh.
00:54:58I'm guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's generators
00:55:02into the ship's reserve, probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to connect.
00:55:06Wait a minute.
00:55:08Okay, I don't want to offend you right now, but are you smart?
00:55:12Uh, I don't want to offend you, but are you smart?
00:55:16Todd, can I get a sidebar really quick?
00:55:21Candace and Wemmy are very crazy, and Peggy is also very crazy.
00:55:25You seem in a weird way not to be crazy.
00:55:28Do you think that you can help me fix this ship?
00:55:30Uh, I think it'll be more like you helping me fix this ship, and also I don't need that.
00:55:35I find that to be very encouraging.
00:55:41Hey there, Lust Muffin.
00:55:43What the fuck did you just say?
00:55:45Guess what?
00:55:46What?
00:55:47Turns out you were right about Satan ruling Mars.
00:55:50I didn't say anything about-
00:55:51I should have seen it earlier.
00:55:52It was right in front of my damn face.
00:55:56Part of my French, I swear now.
00:55:58What are you talking about?
00:55:59I was just in my room indulging my own flesh, treating my body like a damn playground.
00:56:05What is that?
00:56:06Playing with my private parts, outside of marriage, and I don't give a shh-
00:56:12Damn!
00:56:13And guess what?
00:56:14I loved it.
00:56:15Now I get what all the fuss is about.
00:56:17Why are you telling me all this?
00:56:19I'm here to take you up on your offer.
00:56:21I want to do every damn thing.
00:56:26Ah, fuck it.
00:56:30These suits are pretty cool.
00:56:34We just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on Mars.
00:56:37Isn't that kind of crazy?
00:56:40I mean, it is to me a little bit.
00:56:43I mean, that's a big- that's a big deal.
00:56:46Oh, Todd, be careful!
00:56:48Oh, is that the hose we need?
00:56:50Oh, good!
00:56:54Hey, how do you know how to do all this stuff?
00:56:56You seem really confident.
00:56:58I don't know anything mechanical.
00:57:00I was an indoor kid.
00:57:02I can't even change a flat.
00:57:07Did that fix it?
00:57:08Is it fixed?
00:57:11If you want to talk to me, you have to press this button.
00:57:16Yeah, I wasn't talking.
00:57:23I can't.
00:57:24It won't go in.
00:57:25It keeps bending.
00:57:27Maybe your butthole's broken.
00:57:29My butthole's not broken, Wimmy.
00:57:30You have to be hard.
00:57:32I'm pretty hard.
00:57:33It just keeps bending, though.
00:57:37Candace, you need to relax more so I can stuff it in.
00:57:40There!
00:57:40I just got it in!
00:57:42I'm in.
00:57:43We are having sodomy.
00:57:45Wow.
00:57:46You're not in.
00:57:48No, you're right.
00:57:49It's out again.
00:57:50Damn.
00:57:51I-I gotta say, Todd, I am pretty impressed.
00:57:55Oh, great.
00:57:55I impressed Kyle.
00:57:56That means a lot.
00:57:57When I get home, everyone will be like,
00:57:58Hey, Todd, how was Mars?
00:57:59I'll be like, it was okay.
00:58:00But the real cool thing is while I was up there,
00:58:02I impressed some idiot.
00:58:04Dude, what is the deal?
00:58:06What?
00:58:07What is with the negativity, man?
00:58:08What is your issue with me?
00:58:10Seriously.
00:58:11Seriously?
00:58:12Yeah.
00:58:13I don't like the way you treat women.
00:58:16I'm sorry, excuse me?
00:58:17The way I treat women.
00:58:18Did I bash her face in with the lamp?
00:58:21Did I throw a monitor at her head?
00:58:23It just didn't really sit well with me,
00:58:24the way you were throwing around the B-word back there.
00:58:26What?
00:58:26I mean, she-
00:58:27She is so mean to me.
00:58:30She's been treating me like this for two years,
00:58:31and she's wrecked the spaceship now,
00:58:33and she's ruined my life.
00:58:34She ruined your life.
00:58:36She came all the way up to Mars for you.
00:58:37She is crazy.
00:58:38Yeah, because you've made her crazy.
00:58:41Look, you're obviously not really committed
00:58:42to your relationship,
00:58:43and you've just been stringing her along
00:58:45instead of manning up and doing the right thing.
00:58:47What, marry her?
00:58:48No, break up with her.
00:58:50Let her go find someone
00:58:52who will actually give a shit about her.
00:58:54Now, if you'll excuse me,
00:58:56I'm gonna go fix the ship.
00:59:03Wimmy Tilliams is my name,
00:59:04and Sinning is my new game.
00:59:06Committing adultery felt that good.
00:59:08I can't imagine how good it must feel
00:59:10to Sinning even harder.
00:59:21Hey there, handsome devil.
00:59:29When the going gets tough
00:59:31and the road is dark
00:59:33And the trouble never ends
00:59:36There's always one thing
00:59:38that you can count on
00:59:39I'm talking about friends
00:59:43You can always count on friends
00:59:45To lift you up when you are down
00:59:48Friends are always there for you
00:59:52When no one else is around
00:59:56Friends!
00:59:57That's what I'm talking about
00:59:59Friends!
01:00:01You'd be a mess without friends
01:00:08Monica, Phoebe, Ross,
01:00:11Joey, Chandler, and Rachel
01:00:15They're the gang that you wanna be with
01:00:18Whenever you are able
01:00:21Friends!
01:00:23You'd be a mess without friends
01:00:26Buy it on Amazon
01:00:28Friends
01:00:33Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs
01:00:37That were constantly dropping by?
01:00:40Like Tom Sally, Giovanni, Rubies
01:00:43See Paul Rudd and George Clooney
01:00:46And last but not least
01:00:49We had
01:00:50Brad Pitt
01:00:52Harder than anyone
01:00:53Brad Pitt
01:00:55King of Celebrities
01:00:57Yeah!
01:01:02From Cool World to Fight Club
01:01:05He's never let us down
01:01:08Last night I dreamt that they're in this Hollywood's Brad Pitt town
01:01:16Oh shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again
01:01:18Fuck
01:01:19I just don't understand what you want from me
01:01:22Stop trying to make me the bad guy here
01:01:24Stop acting like one
01:01:25Uh, okay, so sorry about that
01:01:28Uh, you missed a couple things
01:01:30Basically, what happened was
01:01:32While Todd finished fixing the ship
01:01:34Kyle tried to explain to Candace
01:01:35All that stuff that Todd was telling him
01:01:37About how he wasn't being fair to her
01:01:39But he still didn't really have the balls to tell her
01:01:42How he honestly felt
01:01:43So she's still confused and unhappy
01:01:46So she got all pissed
01:01:47And then he got all defensive
01:01:50And it was a pretty good scene
01:01:51Anyway, sorry, sorry again
01:01:52Watch Friends!
01:01:54I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle
01:01:57Either love me
01:01:58Or let me go
01:02:00Oh, look
01:02:01I
01:02:03I really do care about you
01:02:05But, but I
01:02:06Well, by my calculations
01:02:07We got ten minutes of air left
01:02:09So let's do this thing
01:02:12Had to do some jerry-rigging on the ignition system
01:02:15But this cord should pull enough juice
01:02:16From the main comm board
01:02:17For us to blast off
01:02:18Holy shit, dude
01:02:20I am so glad you're smart
01:02:21All right
01:02:22That's it
01:02:23Motor sucked
01:02:24Fuck it
01:02:25Let's go home
01:02:26And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy
01:02:29Wants to come with us
01:02:30He better hurry his ass up
01:02:32Wherever he is
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:37Ah!
01:02:38Fuck!
01:02:39Whimmy, what the fuck?
01:02:40That was a big sin
01:02:42And Whimmy likey
01:02:44Whimmy likey a lot
01:02:46Oh my god
01:02:47There is no god up here, Kyle
01:02:49I have abandoned the way of the lamb
01:02:51I now worship
01:02:53The goat
01:02:55The dark one demands more sacrifices
01:02:58More blood for Satan
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship
01:03:00Satan
01:03:01What?
01:03:01God, let's go
01:03:02Satan
01:03:03Evil
01:03:04Peggy
01:03:04Candace
01:03:05Get in the ship
01:03:06We gotta get out of here
01:03:07Metal
01:03:07Music
01:03:08Nudity
01:03:09Democrats
01:03:09Look, look, Whimmy
01:03:11A cross
01:03:12Jesus
01:03:12Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:16Huh?
01:03:17Oh!
01:03:19Oh!
01:03:20Oh!
01:03:22Oh!
01:03:22Oh!
01:03:24We're in, we made it, we're all here
01:03:25Huh
01:03:26Well, Todd's dead
01:03:27Right, yeah, that's, uh, right, yeah
01:03:29That, that's, that's too bad
01:03:31And Elrond died
01:03:32Shit, right, yeah, he, he also died
01:03:35And I'm assuming Whimmy won't survive when we leave
01:03:38Well, that's, well, I mean, fuck him, right?
01:03:41Come on, let's just get out of here
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars
01:03:44Ignition in 10, 9, 8, 7, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3
01:03:55What's happening?
01:03:57Where are we going?
01:03:58Where's two?
01:03:58Where's one?
01:04:00Face me!
01:04:01Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh, this fucking guy is ridiculous
01:04:06Fuck
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace
01:04:09No, you are not doing this again
01:04:11Candace, I am not running away from you
01:04:13I, I just
01:04:16I don't love you
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself
01:04:20But I also know that you, you deserve someone that does
01:04:32Ooh, a challenger
01:04:33Whimmy, get away from the court
01:04:35In this quarter, fighting for the side of Satan
01:04:40Whimmy, kill ya
01:04:41Jesus Christ
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ
01:04:47Kyle
01:04:48Whimmy, I'm just gonna step over there
01:04:51And I'm gonna pick up the court
01:04:52Mortal Kombat
01:04:54Da, da, da, sub-zero, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:00da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:01da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:01da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:05da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:05da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
01:05:23I'm sorry.
01:05:41What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle, what's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us. We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:42This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good. The world is ours.
01:07:01One more, in fact. Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves. Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancƩ
01:07:10Kyle Capshaw on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up? What's their angle? I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but
01:07:28who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float. We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up. Hittin' a brick wall here. Think, Cooter. Think!
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate. I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement. The others get a free ride because they're shell
01:08:22companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who? What do these products have in common? They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you! Papa Nero's Pizza!
01:08:47Wrong answer!
01:08:51Please stop! Please stop! Please! I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man!
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking. Take us up the chain!
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager!
01:09:07Lucy! I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us!
01:09:13No, no!
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle. I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth!
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler. They cut my fucking toe off!
01:09:27Oh, that's right. You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:31I don't know what's going on! Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch!
01:09:38Chomp chomp. Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know! Our parent company is technological, human, electronic, household, optimal, luxury, organic, cyber, anthropomorphic, utility
01:09:48systems, treatment, worldwide, analytics, software.
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated! They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in! Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like,
01:10:05Shit! This will be some drama! Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks!
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes! I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years! Please don't kill me! Oh, God, don't kill me!
01:10:21Listen to this!
01:10:22Yes!
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was! There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
01:10:36Ugh! My skin is on fucking fire right now!
01:10:42There's their headquarters. And I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home
01:10:47appliances in there.
01:10:49Aha! Skinheads! I knew it! All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker. It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man!
01:11:07They fucking paper ants then to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia!
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!
01:11:19I so horny.
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twigs! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twigs! That's the fucking spaceship! They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda,
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple!
01:12:18Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked! How am I breathing?
01:12:29God? Oh no! What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter!
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck?
01:12:48What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars!
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carlin, Nevada!
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial!
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now!
01:13:04Mr. Connor! Skinhead!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:14Shit's starting to get fun!
01:13:15Twinks!
01:13:17Light them up!
01:13:35Bashball!
01:13:36I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Putter!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:58I'm out of ammo!
01:14:00No!
01:14:01No!
01:14:05No!
01:14:09367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada, a horrific scene
01:14:15that led authorities to discover Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:22Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell, the now disgraced billionaire had
01:14:28elaborately faked his own death with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money and sell products with incredibly offensive
01:14:39names.
01:14:40Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here
01:14:49on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey guys.
01:14:52Had sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's gonna be playing Guess Who with that squirrel from
01:15:05the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey!
01:15:14How'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing alright?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but, yeah.
01:15:31So, I guess this is it.
01:15:35It.
01:15:36Yeah.
01:15:37I guess so.
01:15:39So, what are you gonna do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no.
01:15:45No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something in the weeks leading up to that
01:15:56gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah.
01:16:01Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace, um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:29Hey!
01:16:30Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true it was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:40I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists, I could finally fake my death
01:16:45and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancƩ who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of, like,
01:17:07jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean? How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give us our funding
01:17:18back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but what about me? I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah. The thing is, uh, Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:53Are you fucking kidding me? Cause she's, I mean, she's like, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:10What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video? Sandy?
01:18:20What do you mean, everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here. Trapped down here.
01:18:32We just can't have a doll like her be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:18:52Oh, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:26I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:19:48Oh.
01:20:50I don't know why the whitest kids have all gone, the whitest kids have all gone.
01:21:03I don't know why the whitest kids have all gone.
01:21:33I don't know why the whitest kids have all gone, the whitest kids have all gone.
01:21:58I am the Hiccup Jumbo.
01:22:01When the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends, there's always one thing that
01:22:09you can count on. I'm talking about friends.
01:22:13Friends, you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down.
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about. Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:33Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel.
01:22:39They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friendship never friends.
01:22:53True story.
01:22:54My cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stefani.
01:23:10My cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:21Buy it on Amazon.
01:23:23Friends, do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:54Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:00God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt!
01:24:08You would be dead without Brad Pitt!
01:24:11America's sweetheart Brad Pitt!
01:24:14From Cool World to Fight Club, he's never let us down.
01:24:21Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:32Brad Pitt!
01:24:34Hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt!
01:24:37Also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt!
01:24:40Come on Academy, where is the Oscar for?
01:24:44Brad Pitt!
01:24:44I hear it!
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt's sexiest man alive.
01:24:51That's just because, oh shit I was singing with my eyes closed, sorry.
01:24:54Hey, Perry!
01:24:56What have you?
01:24:57What have you been playing with my kids?
01:25:02Doug's Dragon This is a terrible
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