- 13 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Latest Version]Full EP - Full
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π₯
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:14One.
00:26:19Two.
00:26:23Hey.
00:26:32Okay, artificial gravity has set in.
00:26:34Listen up, my fellow astronauts.
00:26:37Whoa!
00:26:38First things first. When I call your name, come on up, get yourself a name tag and tell us a
00:26:43little about yourself.
00:26:44What you did on earth and what you want to get out of this trip.
00:26:48Todd Sullivan.
00:26:52My name's Todd. I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves and, uh,
00:26:57fuck name tags.
00:26:58Oh, okay. Well, we don't have to wear them, I guess.
00:27:02But I did stay up all night making everyone individual drawings.
00:27:08Oh, okay. Well, I guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games.
00:27:13Okay, Wimmy, did your serve make it over the net?
00:27:16Uh, yeah.
00:27:18Okay, Kyle, now you take a card. Did you return his volley?
00:27:21It says, yeah.
00:27:23Oh, good. Okay, Wimmy, take another card. Did you return the volley?
00:27:27It says I missed.
00:27:28Oh, match point. Kyle, you get a reward card.
00:27:33Now, would you like surprise now or surprise later?
00:27:36Uh, I will take surprise later. You know, the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more future-y.
00:27:44And tennis-y.
00:27:45Did you make this game, Elrond?
00:27:47Well, if you guys are not feeling it, we could play future badminton, future hi-li, or future darts.
00:27:53Uh, you know, I'm good. I'm gonna go mingle.
00:28:01Hey, Peggy, right?
00:28:03Yes!
00:28:04You know, I don't want to be super negative right out the gate, but doesn't all of this seem a
00:28:07little less cool than they made it out to be?
00:28:10I mean, I sacrificed quite a lot to be here.
00:28:14Oh, what did you sacrifice?
00:28:16Well, I mean, I was actually supposed to get married today.
00:28:21Wow!
00:28:22Yeah, but I mean, we all have families and friends back on Earth that we just picked up and left
00:28:26for a month.
00:28:27Your friends will still be there for you when you get back?
00:28:30I don't know about that.
00:28:31Sure they will! I just told my friends,
00:28:34gang, I'll be back in a month!
00:28:36And then I left them 20 bowls of food, and I filled the bathtub with milk!
00:28:41What?
00:28:42They're drinking!
00:28:43I'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here.
00:28:46You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?
00:28:49Precisely!
00:28:50Peggy, it's June.
00:28:52That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two.
00:28:55What do you mean?
00:28:56Well, I mean, that's all you left for your cats to drink.
00:29:00Yeah? What do you mean?
00:29:01Well, what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three and a half weeks with nothing to
00:29:06drink?
00:29:07What do you mean?
00:29:09Nothing. I... I don't mean anything.
00:29:12Anyway, like I said, your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back!
00:29:18Okay, friends, listen up.
00:29:21Loser!
00:29:22Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.
00:29:27Loser!
00:29:29The time has come for us to go into stasis.
00:29:32Now, this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like a two
00:29:36-hour cat nap.
00:29:37Woo!
00:29:38He said cats!
00:29:39Uh, is this gonna be like a shot or something?
00:29:41No.
00:29:42We will each be taking 500 easy-to-swallow pills.
00:29:45Did you say 500?
00:29:47500?
00:29:53So we get some more water?
00:29:55Uh, no.
00:29:58Oh, God.
00:30:12I slept on my arm, weird.
00:30:14Oh, God.
00:30:16Does the aerobed have to flate it?
00:30:17Ah, my neck!
00:30:20Elrond, I'm having a little trouble moving my neck.
00:30:23How did I get over here?
00:30:24Well, after you guys took all those Ambien...
00:30:26Stop.
00:30:27What?
00:30:27Ambien?
00:30:28We took...
00:30:29We took 500 Ambien?
00:30:31Ha-ha.
00:30:31Pretty cool.
00:30:32Right, Todd?
00:30:33That's what stasis is?
00:30:34Isn't that how Lil' Peep died?
00:30:36Oh, good.
00:30:37Oh, wait.
00:30:38Oh, okay.
00:30:39You're just all going to take them off?
00:30:40Okay.
00:30:41Oh, hey.
00:30:41Did you guys...
00:30:42Did you guys notice my sign?
00:30:44It says,
00:30:45Welcome to Mars.
00:30:46A place for friends.
00:30:48Oh, that's...
00:30:49Yeah.
00:30:49That's cool, man.
00:30:51As you can see, I drew each one of us.
00:30:53Took me most of the two weeks here.
00:30:54Todd, what do you think?
00:30:55Uh, it sucks.
00:30:57It's stupid.
00:30:58You're stupid.
00:30:58You suck.
00:31:01Come on, Todd.
00:31:03Oh, here we go.
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen,
00:31:06in a few moments,
00:31:07the airlock door will open,
00:31:09and in front of the watching world,
00:31:11we will become the first people
00:31:13to step from this ship
00:31:14and see Mars with our own eyes.
00:31:23Oh, this is incredible.
00:31:34Gather around, gather around.
00:31:36Just want to lay down some ground rules
00:31:38for my fellow Martians.
00:31:42Thank you, Jesus.
00:31:44The first and most important rule is...
00:31:46Have fun.
00:31:47Have fun up here, guys.
00:31:48This is your vacation.
00:31:50Mars is for fun.
00:31:52The second rule is
00:31:53do not touch the airlock
00:31:54because it will kill you.
00:31:55Now, down that corridor
00:31:56are the sleeping pods.
00:31:57Go claim a room
00:31:58and be back here
00:31:59for our first Martian lunch
00:32:00at 1,400.
00:32:04Well, hello, Kyle.
00:32:06Oh, hey, Wimmy.
00:32:07I see that you were praying again.
00:32:09A lot of prayer with you.
00:32:11All right.
00:32:11So, uh...
00:32:12So what's your story?
00:32:14Well, I'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife who is quite a beauty
00:32:17on the inside,
00:32:18a proud father
00:32:18to five angelic children.
00:32:20I have type 2 diabetes
00:32:21and I don't believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:23What about you?
00:32:24Uh, I'm a dentist,
00:32:25which is cool.
00:32:27Actually, no, it's not.
00:32:29Little kids hate me.
00:32:29And, uh, I do believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:33Well, we'll work on that.
00:32:35That's why I'm here.
00:32:36I'm a missionary of sorts.
00:32:37I'm going to turn Mars
00:32:38into the first
00:32:39completely Christian planet.
00:32:41Okay, but there aren't
00:32:42any people on Mars.
00:32:44Aren't there?
00:32:46Oh, no.
00:32:49Bon appetit.
00:32:50Whoa.
00:32:52Elrond, did you make
00:32:54all this yourself?
00:32:54I had a little help
00:32:56from my good friend,
00:32:57murdered Midwestern
00:32:58homosexual teenager.
00:33:01One more time, Elrond?
00:33:02I said this meal
00:33:04was actually prepared
00:33:05by one murdered
00:33:06Midwestern homosexual teenager.
00:33:10It's an acronym.
00:33:11Its technical name is
00:33:12mechanical, ultra-responsive,
00:33:14dietary, electronic,
00:33:15robotic, energized,
00:33:16delivery, meal,
00:33:17interface, dietary,
00:33:17wellness, efficiency system,
00:33:19tactile, edible,
00:33:20responsorous, nutrition,
00:33:21home, or mobile,
00:33:22omnivorous, sustenance,
00:33:23expeditious,
00:33:23xenoculinary, user-aligned,
00:33:25lunch tool-enabled,
00:33:26eating-nourishment,
00:33:27aging, gastronomical,
00:33:28electronic robot.
00:33:29What?
00:33:30But that's a little bit
00:33:31of a mouthful,
00:33:32so we call it
00:33:32the murdered Midwestern
00:33:33homosexual teenager
00:33:34for short.
00:33:35That's really weird
00:33:37and offensive.
00:33:37I think that happened.
00:33:39This is a one-of-a-kind
00:33:40prototype,
00:33:41but in a few years,
00:33:42Lord willing,
00:33:42every town from Chicago
00:33:44to New Orleans
00:33:44will have its own
00:33:45murdered Midwestern
00:33:46homosexual teenager.
00:33:48Gotta fix that acronym.
00:33:49Yeah, some of those words
00:33:50seemed unnecessary.
00:33:51You said robotic twice.
00:33:53Hey, I didn't name it.
00:33:54Take it up with the good people
00:33:55that the Holocaust
00:33:56was greatly exaggerated.
00:33:58I'm sorry, what?
00:33:59It's a company.
00:34:00It stands for
00:34:00Technological Human Electronics.
00:34:02Okay, okay,
00:34:02so how does this thing work?
00:34:04It's basically like
00:34:05a 3-D printer for food.
00:34:06You just say whatever
00:34:07you want it to make
00:34:08and it...
00:34:09Jaeger.
00:34:12Rad.
00:34:13You got to hit that shit
00:34:15when the DJ's on.
00:34:17Yeah, baby,
00:34:17wear my slip-pajama
00:34:19when the food is wrong.
00:34:20You got to hit that shit
00:34:22when they play your song.
00:34:24You got to hit that shit
00:34:25You got to hit that shit
00:34:26Run, yeah,
00:34:27Jay, that's fine.
00:34:29Oh, yeah!
00:34:44Whoa.
00:34:46Hey, Wimmy.
00:34:48Good morning.
00:34:49This is a surprise.
00:34:50Yeah, you're in my bed.
00:34:52Oh, well,
00:34:54are we sure you
00:34:55didn't get in my bed?
00:34:56Yep.
00:34:57This is my bed.
00:34:58Oh, well,
00:34:59last night was the first
00:35:00in 18 years
00:35:01that I didn't share my bed
00:35:02with my lovely
00:35:03on-the-inside wife.
00:35:04So in my sleep,
00:35:05I must have wandered over here,
00:35:06mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:08for hers.
00:35:09Okay, well,
00:35:12I'm going to get up.
00:35:1310-4, good buddy.
00:35:22There were good people
00:35:24on both sides
00:35:25of the Charlottesville fans.
00:35:28They even put spaces in the...
00:35:29Fuck this company.
00:35:32Last night was fun!
00:35:35You know what, Peggy?
00:35:36Last night was fun.
00:35:38I think this is a really great group
00:35:40we got here.
00:35:40And it's cool
00:35:41that we're on Mars!
00:35:43And it's cool
00:35:44we're on Mars!
00:35:45You're right, Peggy.
00:35:46Fucking Mars.
00:35:48All right.
00:35:52Oh, boy.
00:35:53You know what
00:35:53that alarm means.
00:35:54It's time
00:35:55for Kyle's surprise!
00:35:57Okay, what's going on?
00:35:59What are we talking about?
00:36:00Your surprise.
00:36:01Surprise later?
00:36:02From future tennis?
00:36:03Oh, right.
00:36:04Hey, wow,
00:36:05look at me.
00:36:06Everything's coming up, Kyle.
00:36:07Now, I know
00:36:08the Martian landscape
00:36:09can feel pretty foreign,
00:36:11but you've won something
00:36:12that's going to make
00:36:13this place
00:36:14feel a lot more like home.
00:36:16All right, okay.
00:36:18Lay it on me.
00:36:19Fun!
00:36:19Okay, Kyle.
00:36:21Say hello
00:36:22to your very own...
00:36:25Talk to me, baby.
00:36:26What do we got?
00:36:29Fiance!
00:36:31What the fuck?
00:36:32What the fuck?
00:36:34Wait, how is...
00:36:35How, how, how is she here now?
00:36:37When you won future tennis,
00:36:39I asked if you wanted
00:36:40surprise now
00:36:40or surprise later.
00:36:42You said surprise later.
00:36:43She shouldn't be here.
00:36:44This is bad.
00:36:45Can we pause?
00:36:46Can we, can we pause
00:36:46for a second?
00:36:47Can we make the door
00:36:48go back up, please?
00:36:49No, Kyle.
00:36:50We have to get her
00:36:51out of there.
00:36:51That's a decompression chamber.
00:36:53They're very dangerous.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:55Oh, God.
00:36:55Fuck me.
00:36:56Fuck me.
00:36:56Oh, fuck.
00:36:57Ha, ha, ha.
00:36:58Hi, Pumpkin!
00:37:00Hi, Kyle.
00:37:04Hi, I'm Candace,
00:37:06Kyle's fiancΓ©e.
00:37:06That's funny.
00:37:07Kyle never talked
00:37:08about you at all.
00:37:08Yeah, I did.
00:37:09Yes, I know.
00:37:10I'm sure that I did.
00:37:11So this is, this is crazy.
00:37:13This is also surprising.
00:37:14How are you here?
00:37:15Well, when you chose
00:37:17surprise later,
00:37:18I knew we had to think
00:37:18of something really good
00:37:20for you.
00:37:20And as luck would have it,
00:37:22right then,
00:37:22Candace showed up
00:37:23at the launch pad
00:37:24and was going on and on
00:37:25about how much she needed
00:37:26to get up here
00:37:27and get to you.
00:37:28When I found out,
00:37:29I said,
00:37:30what the heck?
00:37:30Send her up in a supply pod.
00:37:32Nothing is more important
00:37:33than true love.
00:37:34That's so cool.
00:37:36What would have happened
00:37:37if he chose surprise now?
00:37:38He would have won $400,000.
00:37:42Oh, $400,000.
00:37:44Yeah.
00:37:46Uh, Candace,
00:37:47could we just have
00:37:48a little sidebar
00:37:49to kind of clear the air?
00:37:51Because, you know,
00:37:51I'm sensing a little
00:37:53hostility between us.
00:37:55I'm not hostile, Kyle.
00:37:56Are you hostile?
00:37:57No, no, no.
00:37:58I just,
00:37:59I feel like you're in,
00:38:00I mean,
00:38:01I don't want to tell you
00:38:02how you feel,
00:38:02but I imagine
00:38:03that you would have
00:38:05the right
00:38:06to be
00:38:09frustrated with me.
00:38:10I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.
00:38:12Yeah, but, um,
00:38:14you seem mad.
00:38:16I'm not mad.
00:38:17Are you mad?
00:38:18No, no, no.
00:38:18I'm not mad at all.
00:38:20Okay.
00:38:21Then we're not mad.
00:38:22Let's just drop it.
00:38:23Okay, yeah, yeah.
00:38:24Fine.
00:38:25I mean, it just,
00:38:26it seems kind of weird.
00:38:28You motherfucker!
00:38:29Help!
00:38:30She's gonna kill me!
00:38:31You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:34Okay, everyone.
00:38:35Seems like the perfect time
00:38:37for a little safety meeting.
00:38:39We've had some rather
00:38:40unsafe behavior recently.
00:38:42I'm not going to name names.
00:38:44But I just want to really quickly
00:38:46go over some of the basics.
00:38:48First things first.
00:38:49This is the airlock.
00:38:51Earlier today,
00:38:52Kyle was suggesting
00:38:52that we leave someone
00:38:53in the airlock.
00:38:55Now, this is unsafe
00:38:56for a myriad of reasons.
00:38:57If you're in this thing
00:38:59without a spacesuit
00:38:59when the exterior door opens,
00:39:01the changing pressures
00:39:02could be fatal.
00:39:03Now, if you do have
00:39:05your spacesuit on
00:39:06and you're going to take a walk
00:39:07on the Martian surface,
00:39:08you would stand on this circle
00:39:09and give the voice command
00:39:11airlock C-L-O-S-E.
00:39:15Airlock closed!
00:39:18Thank you, Peggy.
00:39:19Yes, that is what I was spelling.
00:39:22Exterior door opening
00:39:23in 30 seconds.
00:39:25Okay.
00:39:26Luckily, we have
00:39:27a safeguard built in.
00:39:28If you happen to be stuck
00:39:29inside the airlock
00:39:31without your spacesuit,
00:39:32just give the voice command
00:39:33abort airlock procedure.
00:39:35Well, then do it!
00:39:36I am doing it.
00:39:38I was trying to.
00:39:39Abort airlock...
00:39:40You gotta hurry, Airlock!
00:39:41I'm sorry.
00:39:42I didn't quite get that.
00:39:44Evacuating airlock
00:39:45in 20 seconds.
00:39:46Guys, you cannot say
00:39:47the command
00:39:48while people are talking.
00:39:49You all have to be...
00:39:50Okay, Kyle,
00:39:50I'm gonna take it from here, okay?
00:39:52Abort airlock.
00:39:52Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle.
00:39:54I'm sorry.
00:39:54I didn't quite get that.
00:39:55Candace, now you did it!
00:39:56I'm sorry.
00:39:57I was telling Kyle
00:39:58to be quiet for you.
00:39:59I wasn't gonna say anything.
00:40:00You just did it!
00:40:01Evacuate airlock in 10 seconds.
00:40:03Everyone, shut up!
00:40:04Everyone, shut up!
00:40:06Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:07Shut up!
00:40:08Wimmy, shut up!
00:40:09Stop!
00:40:09You just talked, Candace!
00:40:11Sorry, Elrond!
00:40:12You both shut the fuck up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:19Abort airlock...
00:40:21Ah!
00:40:23Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
00:40:24What the fuck?
00:40:25Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
00:40:26oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
00:40:27did that just happen?
00:40:28Okay, you guys are actually
00:40:30louder than my music.
00:40:31Did you not see that?
00:40:33What are you talking about?
00:40:34Elrond is dead!
00:40:36Who?
00:40:37Elrond!
00:40:38The billionaire guy
00:40:40that brought us here.
00:40:40the Elrond, the main guy, Elrond.
00:40:43Oh, right. He died?
00:40:44His head exploded.
00:40:46Fuck off.
00:40:49Holy shit.
00:40:51Oh, that is fucking cool.
00:40:53No, it's not fucking cool.
00:40:55Elrond Branson was the only one
00:40:56who knew how to operate the ship.
00:40:58Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty.
00:41:01Fat man, be quiet, not now.
00:41:04Okay, okay, okay.
00:41:05We just, we need to keep our heads together.
00:41:08Poor choice of words, dude.
00:41:09What?
00:41:09Poor choice of words.
00:41:11What?
00:41:12You said let's keep our heads together.
00:41:14His head exploded.
00:41:15The things you say are inappropriate
00:41:16and you don't realize it.
00:41:18You're dumb.
00:41:19Holy shit.
00:41:20He won't stop singing.
00:41:22Oh, I'm sorry.
00:41:23I'm just the only one trying to get us out of this mess.
00:41:25How?
00:41:26Uh, by sending a little S.O.S. to the big man upstairs.
00:41:29But, Wimmy, God's not real.
00:41:34Peggy, isn't it enough that you killed our captain?
00:41:37Do you have to blasphemy God while you're at it?
00:41:39I didn't kill him.
00:41:40You're the one who said airlock closed.
00:41:43Airlock closed.
00:41:44Hey, come on, Wimmy.
00:41:45Leave Peggy alone.
00:41:47She can't help it.
00:41:47She's, you know.
00:41:49What are you saying, Kyle?
00:41:50Well, I mean, Peggy is obviously, she's, you know.
00:41:55Peggy, I don't want to offend you,
00:41:56but, I mean, you're obviously, like,
00:41:59you have a mental thing, right?
00:42:02Are you mentally handicapped?
00:42:04Oh.
00:42:05I'm sorry.
00:42:06No, that came out wrong.
00:42:08Look, it's not going to solve anything
00:42:09for us to be blaming each other.
00:42:11Now, I'm sure each one of us in this room
00:42:13has made mistakes,
00:42:14and right now the best thing is
00:42:16for everyone here to just forgive everyone here
00:42:20so that we can all work together moving forward.
00:42:23So we can all work together moving forward.
00:42:27Todd, what is with the attitude?
00:42:29I don't have an attitude.
00:42:30Well, I'm not your fucking dad, man.
00:42:31I know you're not my dad.
00:42:33My dad is awesome.
00:42:35Is Elrod okay?
00:42:43Okay, we have to get in touch with Mission Control,
00:42:45tell them what happened,
00:42:46and get them to pick us up and take us home.
00:42:48I know! Hit this one!
00:42:50Peggy, don't touch.
00:42:52This is dangerous.
00:42:53Okay, from now on,
00:42:55no one touches anything.
00:42:57Todd!
00:42:58Telecom.
00:42:59It's short for telecommunications.
00:43:02Mission Control.
00:43:03Can you hear us?
00:43:04There they are!
00:43:06You bastards!
00:43:07You bastards!
00:43:09Come kill us now, too?
00:43:12Guys, guys,
00:43:13we are so sorry about Elrod.
00:43:16It was an accident.
00:43:17We saw everything!
00:43:19There's cameras!
00:43:21What do we do?
00:43:23How do we get back home?
00:43:24What happens?
00:43:24Okay.
00:43:25Well,
00:43:26we should be able to just
00:43:28have the ship automatically bring you home.
00:43:30Just don't touch that big red button.
00:43:33Um,
00:43:35Peggy already did.
00:43:37What?
00:43:38You didn't hear a grinding sound, did you?
00:43:40Yeah.
00:43:41Well, great.
00:43:42That just disengaged all the return boosters.
00:43:44Oh, thank you, Peggy.
00:43:46Did I fix it?
00:43:47Well, now what?
00:43:48Are we screwed?
00:43:49Is there another way to get back?
00:43:51Of course there is.
00:43:52In the sciences,
00:43:54we always prepare for a plan B.
00:43:56Oh, thank God.
00:43:58Yeah.
00:43:58If we start constructing another ship now,
00:44:01we can get to you guys in about five years.
00:44:04Five years?
00:44:05Did you say five years?
00:44:07We're all going to be stuck up here for five years?
00:44:09Five.
00:44:09Five whole years.
00:44:10Well, maybe you should have thought about that.
00:44:12Before you killed Al Rock Branson,
00:44:14he was a candle in the wind.
00:44:16And a rocket man.
00:44:19That dude was a nerd.
00:44:22Nerd?
00:44:23Nerd?
00:44:24You know what?
00:44:24That's the problem with cools.
00:44:27You guys just think you can say
00:44:28whatever you want to anybody.
00:44:30Well, if you wanted a world without nerds,
00:44:34then Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday,
00:44:37you're on one.
00:44:38Nerds out.
00:44:39No, no, no.
00:44:40Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:42No.
00:44:43No.
00:44:53I cannot get enough of things like that.
00:44:55Look at that.
00:44:55Now, let's see if we can go frame by frame.
00:44:57Toby, can we go frame by frame here?
00:44:59Someone get Toby out of the chair
00:45:00and let's go frame by frame.
00:45:01Okay, here we go.
00:45:02Now, he's like,
00:45:03oh, oh, I'm in trouble.
00:45:05I'm in trouble.
00:45:05Oh, boom.
00:45:07Rewind.
00:45:08See?
00:45:08See?
00:45:08He's still alive there.
00:45:09Still alive there.
00:45:10There, still alive.
00:45:11And he's feeling it right there.
00:45:14And that's where I think he died.
00:45:15What about you?
00:45:16I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff.
00:45:18Oh, not me.
00:45:19I have a whole folder of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home.
00:45:22It's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in it.
00:45:25Getting back to the crisis at hand,
00:45:26millions and millions of viewers around the globe
00:45:29are mourning the loss of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson
00:45:32and watching the developments with bated breath.
00:45:35So much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed
00:45:38so concerned citizens can monitor the events in the space station around the clock.
00:45:42And with the sudden and shockingly metal death
00:45:45of the only person who knew how to operate the ship,
00:45:48how do you think the crew's holding up?
00:45:49I tell you, it must be incredibly, incredibly tense up there.
00:45:53Let's take a look at the feed.
00:45:55Where should we start?
00:45:56Hey, why not the women's bathroom?
00:45:58I like the way you think.
00:45:59Stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up.
00:46:02But you're going to remind him.
00:46:06You're the hottest bitch on this planet.
00:46:09Pizza.
00:46:11Roast beef.
00:46:14Chocolate.
00:46:16Frosted Lucky Charms.
00:46:18Reese's Puffs. Cocoa Puffs.
00:46:25Hi.
00:46:28So, Todd, huh?
00:46:30That's an interesting name.
00:46:33I'm not going to stick my dick in crazy.
00:46:34What?
00:46:35You just told your boyfriend you're on a break.
00:46:37You're hurt, you're angry, you want to fuck somebody,
00:46:40you're being crazy.
00:46:41Oh, my God!
00:46:42I wouldn't even think!
00:46:44Okay, sweet.
00:46:45That is not why I came over here.
00:46:48Oh, okay. My mistake.
00:46:49And for your information,
00:46:52crazy girls are the best in bed.
00:46:54That's not true.
00:46:55That's just something crazy girls say.
00:46:57Oh!
00:47:03Hey, Peggy.
00:47:05They never said there was a limit on how much food we could make.
00:47:08God, it stinks in here.
00:47:10Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say,
00:47:13you were looking pretty hot tonight.
00:47:15Shut up!
00:47:16Literally nobody has ever said that to me.
00:47:21Literally!
00:47:22That's a shame.
00:47:23Because I think you're fucking sexy.
00:47:26Candace, you are blowing my mind right now.
00:47:29What do you say we lock this door, put on some music, grab a bottle of Everclear, and...
00:47:37Candace, I'm going to stop you right there, and don't stick my fingers in crazy.
00:47:41What?
00:47:42It's my one rule.
00:47:44Don't get me wrong, Candace.
00:47:45Candace, you're a very attractive woman, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered.
00:47:49But I know where this road leads, and it's not a place where either of us would feel good...
00:47:55What the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship?
00:48:04Hey there.
00:48:06Whimmy, right?
00:48:09Shhh.
00:48:13Okay?
00:48:16Hi, Candace.
00:48:18I was just talking to my best friend.
00:48:20Who's your best friend?
00:48:22Ugh, this is so fucking hard.
00:48:25What say you and I have a little drink?
00:48:28Let me stop you right there.
00:48:29I do not imbibe.
00:48:31But I am happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with
00:48:36alcohol.
00:48:36Ha, you're funny.
00:48:39Listen, Whimmy.
00:48:41You're a man with needs.
00:48:43I'm a woman with needs.
00:48:45What do you say we help each other out?
00:48:47What?
00:48:47No!
00:48:48No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:48:49I am taken.
00:48:51Here's the Tillium's clan right here.
00:48:53Ah!
00:48:54What?
00:48:54What?
00:49:02Candace, we just adulteried!
00:49:04I adulteried!
00:49:05I just betrayed my wife and children!
00:49:07it. I'm sorry. I just don't know what's going on with me. This whole thing with me and Kyle
00:49:16has me feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm not usually like this, I swear. Okay. Well, the
00:49:25Lord has everything happen for a reason. So, uh, maybe he can use this as a teachable
00:49:31moment. Okay. John 3.16 says, for God so loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son. Yeah,
00:49:38but Wimmy, we're not on earth. Well, it says earth, but it means the whole solar system. Well,
00:49:44why would he say earth if he meant solar system? Candace. Well, way back when this was written,
00:49:51God probably had no idea that in the future man would make it to other planets. Well, I mean,
00:49:57he knew he just, he had to know. He just probably didn't. I mean, hold on. Hey, hey, I mean,
00:50:05I get
00:50:05it guys. In high school, I wasn't the most popular guy either. I didn't even kiss a girl until I
00:50:11was
00:50:1118. 18? 18? That's not nerdy. That's cool. No, I didn't mean 18. It wasn't 18. I don't know why
00:50:20I
00:50:20said that. It was way later. It was like, like 20. 20? Nine. 29. I was 29. Oh, okay. That's
00:50:29pretty lame, I guess. I mean, I kissed a girl when I was 28. I didn't, but I could have.
00:50:36Wait a minute,
00:50:36wait a minute, wait a minute. You, you kissed a girl at 28? Are you sure I'm not talking to
00:50:41a
00:50:41couple of cools right now? Yeah, right. Get out of here. You don't really think that. Oh,
00:50:49I don't know. I'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now. Shut up.
00:50:54You know what would be really cool, though? If you guys could help me figure out how to fly this
00:50:58thing back home. Well, I guess us cools have to stick together. That's right. Okay. Well,
00:51:08it's not going to be easy, but I think if we all keep our cool, we'll be able to walk
00:51:14you through
00:51:15it. The first thing you're going to need to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank. Kyle,
00:51:20I'm so sorry. Can we talk? Just, just, just a minute, Candace. The mission control guys are
00:51:26helping us get home. All right. Now, to do this, you'll need to divert the fuel from the station's
00:51:31resting generators to the ship's return tank. Okay. Resting generators. Got it. I cheated on you
00:51:37with Wimmy. With Wimmy? What? Why? Weird. Okay. Okay. All right. Look, Candace,
00:51:44that is really shitty and we will have to talk about that, but I got to do this right now.
00:51:49This is what I'm talking about. I travel all the way through space to get to Mars to talk
00:51:55to you and all you do is ignore me. Guys, is this resting generator thing an outside kind
00:52:00a deal or is this somewhere in the ship here? That is outside of the ship. Right on the
00:52:05underside of the central pond. Hi-ya! Candace, no!
00:52:11Two years of my life, Kyle. My two best years wasted with you.
00:52:19Oh, my God. Candace, stop!
00:52:26Oh, my God. I could have married Brian the ladies.
00:52:36Candace, you broke the earth thing. Well, now we're even because you broke my heart.
00:52:42No, no, no. You broke the fucking earth thing. The meek shall inherit the earth.
00:52:49The earth is filled with the steadfast love of the Lord.
00:52:54The earth is the Lord to the fullness thereof.
00:53:04The thing. She fucking broke the thing. We're going to die.
00:53:08Do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:53:12Todd, I don't know how to fix the container, and I saw her do it.
00:53:17She threw the thing, and then it made the thing punch right through it.
00:53:20We're going to die. We're all going to die.
00:53:22What are you talking about?
00:53:23We're going to die, man.
00:53:25And why do you think we're dying?
00:53:26Because I saw the fucking air. Our air is sucked out into outer space.
00:53:31Okay, and how did that happen?
00:53:33Because this bitch...
00:53:34Hey!
00:53:36No, no. Do not judge me until I have finished my sentence,
00:53:40because then you will see that she has murdered you,
00:53:45and she has murdered you,
00:53:48and she has murdered me,
00:53:50and she has also committed suicide
00:53:53and killed Wimmy.
00:53:54Where... where's Wimmy?
00:53:57There is no God here.
00:53:59We abandoned him when we left the earth.
00:54:01He has no jurisdiction up here.
00:54:03The red planet is the planet of the devil.
00:54:07Okay.
00:54:08First of all, I'm going to apologize to the room.
00:54:11Uh, I lost my cool there.
00:54:13I said some things that didn't need to be said,
00:54:15and it's important for a leader to be calm and collected.
00:54:18What?
00:54:19What?
00:54:20Dude, you are amazing.
00:54:22Hey, can you say that part about you being the leader again?
00:54:25Kyle, do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:54:27Kyle hates future tennis.
00:54:29He thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for two years
00:54:32come and see you after you try to run away from them.
00:54:34Okay, Candace, can we... can we try and stay focused, please?
00:54:37Life-threatening situation here.
00:54:38Ring a bell, you threw a fit, now we're fucked.
00:54:41We're fucked?
00:54:41Yes, we're fucked!
00:54:42We're not fucked.
00:54:44We still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home.
00:54:48No, the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do.
00:54:51Let me guess what they said.
00:54:52We have to refuel, fill up the gas tank?
00:54:55They... well, they said fuel reserve.
00:54:58Uh-huh.
00:54:58I'm guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's generators
00:55:02into the ship's reserve,
00:55:03probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to connect.
00:55:06Wait a minute.
00:55:08Uh-okay, I don't want to offend you right now, but are you smart?
00:55:12Uh, I don't want to offend you, but are you smart?
00:55:16Todd, can I get a sidebar really quick?
00:55:21Candace and Wemmy are very crazy, and Peggy is also very crazy.
00:55:25You-you seem in a weird way not to be crazy.
00:55:28Do you think that you can help me fix this ship?
00:55:30Uh, I think it'll be more like you helping me fix this ship,
00:55:33and also, I don't need that.
00:55:35I find that to be very encouraging.
00:55:41Hey there, Lust Muffin.
00:55:43What the fuck did you just say?
00:55:45Guess what?
00:55:46What?
00:55:47Turns out you were right about Satan ruling Mars.
00:55:50I didn't say anything about-
00:55:51I should have seen it earlier.
00:55:52It was right in front of my damn face.
00:55:56Part of my French, I swear now.
00:55:58What are you talking about?
00:55:59I was just in my room indulging my own flesh,
00:56:02treating my body like a damn playground.
00:56:05What is that?
00:56:06Playing with my private parts,
00:56:08outside of marriage,
00:56:10and I don't give a sh-
00:56:11Damn!
00:56:13And guess what?
00:56:14I loved it.
00:56:15Now I get what all the fuss is about.
00:56:17Why are you telling me all this?
00:56:19I'm here to take you up on your offer.
00:56:21I want to do every damn thing.
00:56:26Ah, fuck it.
00:56:30These suits are pretty cool.
00:56:34We just actually became the first two people
00:56:36to ever set foot on Mars.
00:56:37Isn't that kind of crazy?
00:56:40I mean, it is to me a little bit.
00:56:43I mean, that's a big deal.
00:56:46Oh, Todd, be careful.
00:56:48Oh, is that the hose we need?
00:56:50Oh, good.
00:56:54Hey, how do you know how to do all this stuff?
00:56:56You seem really confident.
00:56:58I don't know anything mechanical.
00:57:00I was an indoor kid.
00:57:02I can't even change a flat.
00:57:07Did that fix it?
00:57:08Is it fixed?
00:57:10If you want to talk to me,
00:57:12you have to press this button.
00:57:16Yeah, I wasn't talking.
00:57:23I can't.
00:57:24It won't go in.
00:57:25It keeps bending.
00:57:27Maybe your butthole's broken.
00:57:29My butthole's not broken, Wimmy.
00:57:30You have to be hard.
00:57:32I'm pretty hard.
00:57:33It just keeps bending, though.
00:57:37Candace, you need to relax more
00:57:38so I can stuff it in.
00:57:40There!
00:57:40I just got it in.
00:57:42I'm in.
00:57:43We are having sodomy.
00:57:45Wow.
00:57:46You're not in.
00:57:48No, you're right.
00:57:49It's out again.
00:57:50Damn.
00:57:51I gotta say, Todd,
00:57:53I am pretty impressed.
00:57:55Oh, great.
00:57:55I impressed Kyle.
00:57:56That means a lot.
00:57:57When I get home,
00:57:58everyone will be like,
00:57:58hey, Todd, how was Mars?
00:57:59I'll be like, it was okay.
00:58:00But the real cool thing
00:58:01is while I was up there,
00:58:02I impressed some idiot.
00:58:04Dude, what is the deal?
00:58:06What?
00:58:07What is with the negativity, man?
00:58:09What is your issue with me?
00:58:10Seriously?
00:58:11Seriously?
00:58:12Yeah.
00:58:13I don't like the way you treat women.
00:58:16I'm sorry, excuse me?
00:58:17The way I treat women.
00:58:18Did I bash her face in with the lamp?
00:58:21Did I throw a monitor in her head?
00:58:23It just didn't really sit well with me
00:58:24the way you were throwing around
00:58:25the B-word back there.
00:58:26What?
00:58:27She is so mean to me.
00:58:30She's been treating me like this for two years,
00:58:31and she's wrecked the spaceship now,
00:58:33and she's ruined my life.
00:58:35She ruins your life.
00:58:36She came all the way up to Mars for you.
00:58:37She is crazy.
00:58:38Yeah, because you've made her crazy.
00:58:40Look, you're obviously not really committed
00:58:42to your relationship,
00:58:43and you've just been stringing her along
00:58:44instead of manning up and doing the right thing.
00:58:47What?
00:58:47Marry her?
00:58:48No.
00:58:49Break up with her.
00:58:50Let her go find someone
00:58:52who will actually give a shit about her.
00:58:54Now, if you'll excuse me,
00:58:56I'm gonna go fix the ship.
00:59:03Wimmy Tilliams is my name,
00:59:04and sinning is my new game.
00:59:06Committing adultery felt that good.
00:59:08I can't imagine how good it must feel
00:59:10to sin even harder.
00:59:21Hey there, handsome devil.
00:59:29When the going gets tough and the road is dark
00:59:33And the trouble never ends
00:59:36There's always one thing that you can count on
00:59:39I'm talking about friends
00:59:42You can always count on friends
00:59:45To lift you up when you are down
00:59:48Friends are always there for you
00:59:52When no one else is around
00:59:56Friends!
00:59:57That's what I'm talking about
00:59:59Friends!
01:00:01You'd be a mess without friends
01:00:14They're the gang that you wanna be with
01:00:18Whenever you are able
01:00:22Friends!
01:00:23You'd be a mess without friends
01:00:26Buy it on Amazon
01:00:29Friends
01:00:33Do you remember the slew of A-list
01:00:37Celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:00:40Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rubisi
01:00:43Paul Rudd, and George Clooney
01:00:46And last but not least
01:00:49We had
01:00:50Brad Pitt
01:00:52Harder than anyone
01:00:53Brad Pitt
01:00:55King of Celebrities
01:00:57Yeah!
01:01:02From Cool World to Fight Club
01:01:05He's never let us down
01:01:09Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood
01:01:12Brad Pitt Town
01:01:16Oh shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again
01:01:18Fuck!
01:01:19I just don't understand what you want from me!
01:01:22Stop trying to make me the bad guy here!
01:01:24Stop acting like one!
01:01:26Uh, okay, so sorry about that
01:01:28You missed a couple things
01:01:30Basically, what happened was
01:01:32While Todd finished fixing the ship
01:01:34Kyle tried to explain to Candace
01:01:35All that stuff that Todd was telling him
01:01:37About how he wasn't being fair to her
01:01:39But he still didn't really have the balls
01:01:41To tell her how he honestly felt
01:01:43So she's still confused and unhappy
01:01:46So she got all pissed
01:01:47And then he got all defensive
01:01:50And it was a pretty good scene
01:01:51Anyway, sorry again
01:01:52Watch for ends!
01:01:54I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle
01:01:57Either love me
01:01:58Or let me go
01:02:01Look
01:02:01I
01:02:03I really do care about you
01:02:05But, but I
01:02:06Well, by my calculations
01:02:07We got ten minutes of air left
01:02:09So let's do this thing
01:02:12Had to do some jerry-rigging
01:02:14On the ignition system
01:02:15But this cord should pull enough juice
01:02:16From the main comm board
01:02:17For us to blast off
01:02:18Holy shit, dude
01:02:20I am so glad you're smart
01:02:21All right
01:02:22That's it
01:02:23Mars sucked
01:02:24Fuck it
01:02:25Let's go home
01:02:26And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy
01:02:29Wants to come with us
01:02:30You better hurry his ass up
01:02:32Wherever he is
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Whimmy, what the fuck?
01:02:40That was a big sin
01:02:42And Whimmy likey
01:02:44Whimmy likey a lot
01:02:46Oh my god
01:02:47There is no god up here, Kyle
01:02:49I have abandoned the way of the lamb
01:02:51I now worship
01:02:53The goat
01:02:55The dark one demands more sacrifices
01:02:58More blood for Satan
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship
01:03:00Satan
01:03:01What?
01:03:01God, let's go
01:03:02Satan, evil
01:03:03Becky, Candace, get in the ship
01:03:06We gotta get out of here
01:03:07Metal
01:03:07Music
01:03:08Nudity
01:03:09Democrats
01:03:09Look, look, Whimmy
01:03:11Across
01:03:12Jesus
01:03:12Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:17Oh
01:03:24We're in
01:03:24We made it
01:03:25We're all here
01:03:25Well, Todd's dead
01:03:27Right, yeah
01:03:28That's, uh
01:03:29Right, yeah
01:03:29That's too bad
01:03:31And Elrond died
01:03:32Shit, right
01:03:33Yeah, he also died
01:03:35And I'm assuming
01:03:36Whimmy won't survive
01:03:37When we leave
01:03:38Well, that's
01:03:38I mean, fuck him, right?
01:03:40Come on
01:03:41Let's just get out of here
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars
01:03:44Ignition in
01:03:46Ten
01:03:47Nine
01:03:48Eight
01:03:49Oh, God
01:03:49Whimmy's better
01:03:50What?
01:03:51Five
01:03:52Four
01:03:53Three
01:03:55What's happening?
01:03:57Where are we going?
01:03:58Where's two?
01:03:58Where's one?
01:04:00Face me
01:04:00Face your peers
01:04:03This fucking guy is ridiculous
01:04:06Fuck
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace
01:04:09No, you are not doing this again
01:04:11Candace, I am not running away from you
01:04:13I-I just
01:04:16I don't love you
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself
01:04:20But I also know that you
01:04:22You deserve someone that does
01:04:31Ooh, a challenger
01:04:33Whimmy, get away from the court
01:04:35In this quarter
01:04:36Fighting for the side of Satan
01:04:40Whimmy, kill ya
01:04:41Jesus Christ
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ
01:04:47Kyle
01:04:48Whimmy, I'm just gonna step over there
01:04:51And I'm gonna pick up the court
01:04:52Mortal Kombat
01:04:53Da-da-da
01:04:55Sub-Zero
01:04:56Da-da-da
01:04:57Sub-Zero
01:04:57Da-da-da
01:05:03Sub-Zero
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it?
01:05:06That it would end up the two of us
01:05:08Locked in battle
01:05:09Oh
01:05:11Ow
01:05:12Again
01:05:13Unpulling
01:05:14Oh
01:05:18Kyle
01:05:19Kyle
01:05:20He fucking bit me
01:05:24I'm sorry
01:05:41What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello, hello
01:06:05Hey Kyle, what's up?
01:06:06What's up?
01:06:06What's going on, man?
01:06:07What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work
01:06:11Lots of work stuff
01:06:12Just working on a lot of work
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man
01:06:14The wedding is today
01:06:15I know that
01:06:16I know that, man
01:06:17I'm on my way there right now
01:06:20Twinks, to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks
01:06:23Listen the fuck up
01:06:24Kyle needs us
01:06:26We're gonna do this the right way
01:06:27When we hit the church
01:06:28I want two Twinks stationed at the rear
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof
01:06:32And I want three Twinks on me at all times
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go
01:06:37We're gonna need to dig a hole
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:42This is bad, guys
01:06:43This is really, really bad
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light
01:06:51Then torch the car
01:06:52We'll boost a new one
01:06:53And see if we can get to the state line
01:06:54Before the dogs find that body
01:06:56I feel good, Twinks
01:06:58I feel really, really good
01:06:59The world is ours
01:07:01One more, in fact
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:05We couldn't believe it ourselves
01:07:05Just this afternoon
01:07:06A young Candace Simpson
01:07:08Has left our planet
01:07:09To join her fiancΓ©
01:07:10Kyle Capshaw on Mars
01:07:11L. Ron Branson approved the use
01:07:13Of the last remaining supply pod
01:07:15Releasing a statement
01:07:16Saying nothing
01:07:17Is more important
01:07:18Than true love
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up?
01:07:24What's their angle?
01:07:25I'm not buying this true love horse shit
01:07:27For one second
01:07:27But who benefits?
01:07:28Sending a young lady
01:07:3035 million miles
01:07:31To visit her boyfriend
01:07:32Doesn't float
01:07:32We need to follow the money
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts
01:07:49For product placement
01:07:50And deposits from investors
01:07:52That doesn't explain
01:07:53Why they'd send Candace up
01:07:54Hitting a brick wall here
01:07:55Think, Cooter
01:07:56Think!
01:07:57I need more meth
01:08:02Of course
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars
01:08:06From different investors
01:08:07To showcase their products
01:08:08On his space station
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money
01:08:11For a passing mention
01:08:12On the news
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate
01:08:15I can see in between time
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors
01:08:19Are paying for the product placement
01:08:20The others get a free ride
01:08:21Because they're shell companies
01:08:23For whoever's really in charge
01:08:24But who?
01:08:25What do these products have in common?
01:08:27They range from everything
01:08:28Between home appliances
01:08:29And pizza delivery services
01:08:31I got three large thick crust pepperoni
01:08:36And sausages for a dopey twink
01:08:40Who do you work for?
01:08:43I told you
01:08:45Papa Nero's pizza
01:08:47Wrong answer
01:08:51Please stop
01:08:51Please stop
01:08:52Please
01:08:53I'm just trying to pay off my student loans
01:08:55Man
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again
01:08:58You better start talking
01:09:00Take us up the chain
01:09:01You're gonna have to speak to my manager
01:09:07Lucy
01:09:08I'm home
01:09:09What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us
01:09:13No, no
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle
01:09:16I'll kill as many people as I have to
01:09:19To get you back on earth
01:09:20You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler
01:09:25They cut my fucking toe off
01:09:27Oh, that's right
01:09:29You fucked with the wrong people this time
01:09:31I don't know what's going on
01:09:33Please
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch
01:09:37Chomp chomp
01:09:39Chomp chomp
01:09:40I told you all I know
01:09:41Our parent company
01:09:43Is technological
01:09:44Human
01:09:44Electronic
01:09:45Household
01:09:45Optimal
01:09:46Luxury
01:09:46Organic
01:09:47Cyber
01:09:47Anthropomorphic
01:09:48Utility
01:09:48Systems
01:09:49Treatment
01:09:49Worldwide
01:09:50Analytic
01:09:50Software
01:09:50The Holocaust
01:09:51Was greatly exaggerated
01:09:53They bankrolled the whole fucking thing
01:09:55Branson didn't have a scratch
01:09:56To pay for the mission himself
01:09:57So he links up with this company
01:09:58And promises them the best advertising opportunity money can buy
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad
01:10:05And they're like, shit, this will be some drama
01:10:06Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks
01:10:08But now you're telling me
01:10:10That there's no way the design of that ship
01:10:12Would be able to withstand the radiation
01:10:13From the Van Allen belt
01:10:15Yes, I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years
01:10:18Please don't kill me
01:10:19Oh, God, don't kill me
01:10:21Listen to this
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson
01:10:26Was killed today
01:10:26In a tragic accident
01:10:27Aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was
01:10:31There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial
01:10:34You sick fucks
01:10:35Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now
01:10:42There's their headquarters
01:10:43And I'll bet you all the meth in the world
01:10:45That they're doing more than making home appliances in there
01:10:50Aha, skinheads
01:10:51I knew it
01:10:52All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated
01:10:55It was just a hilarious name
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker
01:10:58It's a fucking front for a white power group
01:11:01Of course
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man
01:11:07They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products
01:11:10And set up an all-white colony on a new planet
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements
01:11:17They'll send up more and more people
01:11:19I so horny
01:11:20Me too, Sleepy
01:11:21Me too
01:11:22But we have some Nazis to kill
01:11:31Here we go, Twigs
01:11:33The entire energy of the universe is within us
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twigs, that's the fucking spaceship
01:11:51They never went to fucking Mars
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there
01:11:56The whole thing was a giant scam
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors
01:12:01Then that phony fucker fakes his own death
01:12:03And makes off with the cash
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit
01:12:06Use the accidents to get the whole world watching
01:12:08Their bullshit racist white utopia propaganda
01:12:11While getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders
01:12:14It's almost too simple
01:12:18Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked
01:12:25How am I breathing?
01:12:29God?
01:12:31Oh no
01:12:32What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord
01:12:43Jesus
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck?
01:12:48What is happening?
01:12:49How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carla, Nevada
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial
01:12:58What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out
01:13:03But it's all right now
01:13:04Mr. Connor, skinhead
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun
01:13:15Twinks
01:13:16Ride them up
01:13:35Bashball!
01:13:36I'm out of ammo
01:13:37Throw me another clip
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Cooter
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:46Bashball!
01:13:47Bashball!
01:13:47Bashball!
01:13:49Bashball!
01:14:02Bashball!
01:14:05Bash!
01:14:07Bash!
01:14:08Ah!
01:14:10367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of Carla, Nevada
01:14:14A horrific scene that led authorities to discover Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:23Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell,
01:14:26the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:29with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey guys. That's sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight. Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon,
01:15:03who's going to be playing Guess Who with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey, how'd it go? Um, what, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:19Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay. Um, are you doing all right?
01:15:27Yeah. I'm still shaking up a bit, but yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess this is it.
01:15:36Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:40So, what are you going to do now?
01:15:42Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no. No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble. He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no. Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something
01:15:55in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah. Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace. Um, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I really am.
01:16:20I know. And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:30Hey! Elrond!
01:16:31Oh! Hey, Kyle. Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true? It was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep. Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,
01:16:43I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it. You were already rich.
01:16:48I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancΓ©e who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses
01:17:05until they just sort of, like, jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean? How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government
01:17:18to give us our funding back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism
01:17:22in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show
01:17:25in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah. She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but...
01:17:41What about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah. The thing is, uh...
01:17:49Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Because she's...
01:17:56I mean, she's like...
01:17:59I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle,
01:18:04a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence
01:18:08of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean
01:18:23everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often
01:18:27while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here.
01:18:31Trapped down here.
01:18:32We just can't have a doll licker
01:18:34be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the Stranded Martian passengers
01:18:43are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll
01:18:48who's probably very happy
01:18:49that they're safe and sound.
01:19:00Oh, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy
01:19:06from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork
01:19:09National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning,
01:19:13she was seen playing the xylophone
01:19:14with Michael Strahan
01:19:15on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling
01:19:18that Ryan Gosling
01:19:19has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early
01:19:22to start talking
01:19:22about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:27I am strongly attracted
01:19:28to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like
01:19:33it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out,
01:19:36I have no idea
01:19:37what's gonna happen.
01:19:46Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:19:48Come here, you.
01:19:50Come here, you.
01:19:53Come here, you.
01:20:09Come here, you.
01:20:14Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:20:43They were friends of me, acting crazy and I don't know why, the whitest kids of all time, the whitest
01:20:59kids of all time.
01:21:14They were friends of me, acting crazy and I don't know why, the whitest kids of all time.
01:21:25As the sky and the sea, they came on the deep stream, the whitest kids you've ever seen, the whitest
01:21:43kids you've ever seen.
01:21:59I am the Hiccup Jumbo.
01:22:01When the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends, there's always one thing that
01:22:09you can count on, I'm talking about friends.
01:22:13Friends, you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down.
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:33Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel.
01:22:39They're the gang you wanna be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friendship never friends.
01:22:53Friends, true story, my cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stefani.
01:23:11My cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:20Friends, buy it on Amazon.
01:23:23Friends, do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:54Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt, you would be dead without Brad Pitt, America's sweetheart.
01:24:13Brad Pitt, from cool world to fight club, he's never let us down.
01:24:21Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:27Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:33Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt, come on Academy, where is the Oscar for Brad Pitt?
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt Sexiest Men Alive.
01:24:51That's just because, oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed, sorry.
01:24:54Bye for this!
01:25:01Bye for today!
01:25:02You
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