- 12 minutes ago
8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - S29E02 - 23 January 2026 [Full Movie] [Full Storyline]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carter!
00:06Now...
00:10Have we got a show for you?
00:12We've got Rob Beckett, John Richardson, Kyle Smith, Bino,
00:15Roisin Conaty, Lou Waugh, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley.
00:18Yeah!
00:31Is that her? Is there more ghosts?
00:33I don't know why there wasn't a film.
00:34My accountant would like there to be.
00:37There should be a film.
00:38There should be a film.
00:39Just on an unrelated matter, Kyle, I am an actor now as well.
00:43Oh, yeah? Yeah, I do acting now as well.
00:45Right, so what sort of stuff do you want to...?
00:46I mainly play coke-sniffing teachers.
00:51Has anyone here seen him on Waterloo Road?
00:55Kyle, I've recently retired from acting.
01:00All right, let's do this, everyone.
01:01Play the music.
01:02Whatever we do.
01:03I don't know.
01:39Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:43a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:45Let's meet tonight's players.
01:47First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:53In 2025, John played Grouchy in the new Smurfs movie.
01:57Tell me, John, how did you research your role
02:00as a small, grumpy, troll-like creature with no friends?
02:05He's got friends, you've added that.
02:07Have you even seen my work?
02:09I literally saw it the first day it came out.
02:11What did you think?
02:11I thought it was amazing.
02:13Yeah, thanks.
02:15Do your grouchy voice.
02:17Go on.
02:19I have to get into character.
02:21OK.
02:22Don't even say it.
02:23Oh, it's good!
02:25Oh, that's good.
02:29And John's team mate, Roisin Conaty.
02:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:36Roisin used to work on the till in Woolworths,
02:39so I think we finally solved the mystery
02:40as to why Woolworths went under.
02:43These are quite gentle.
02:44What are you going to do?
02:45Are you going to throw something at me?
02:46No, no, I'll be gentle.
02:48You are very bad at this game.
02:50Bad in a good way, though.
02:52Sort of the good, like, bad, like Michael Jackson bad.
02:54Forget I said Michael Jackson.
02:55LAUGHTER
03:01Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
03:03Yeah!
03:08Rob's family used to call him Jaffa Cake
03:10because he had big nipples.
03:13Which begs the question,
03:15how big are these nipples?
03:18So, they've calmed down now,
03:20but there's a little bit of lump to them,
03:21but when I was going through puberty
03:23and your hormones were raging,
03:24they were big old puffy boys.
03:26Ooh.
03:27And they looked like Jaffa Cakes
03:29because the areolae is the chocolate flat bit.
03:33Then, on top of that,
03:34the orange-filled chocolate bit
03:36was the nipply bit.
03:37Ugh!
03:39Can I, um...
03:41Can I see you?
03:41Um, afterwards...
03:45Afterwards, you can.
03:47Why...
03:48I'll come over and show you, but not there.
03:50OK.
03:54I'll go in, I'll have a look,
03:55I'll tell you whether they're worth seeing.
03:57I want to see...
03:58I want to see if everyone's out there or not.
04:01Oh, Jesus!
04:04I saw it.
04:07Did you?
04:07Yeah.
04:07Oh, that is...
04:08That is not a normal...
04:10No, that's a normal...
04:11Oh, you sound like my mum.
04:12Yeah, that's not...
04:15I want to see all of your tits,
04:16if we're getting in comparison.
04:18Jimmy, show me your tits.
04:20Oh, he's got little drawn-on dots.
04:25OK.
04:26And joining Rob tonight,
04:27it's, er...
04:27Kyle Smith-Bino.
04:33Kyle says he's scared of pigeons.
04:35Well, apologies.
04:36If we'd known you were scared of small,
04:38annoying, flappy, rat-like creatures,
04:40we wouldn't have stayed anywhere near John.
04:42That's it!
04:44Kyle, it's your first time on the show.
04:45Yes.
04:45Are you going to be aware of the letters or the numbers?
04:47Well, I...
04:47I'm not sure,
04:48but I am very good at remembering my postcode.
04:51And that's both.
04:52Ooh!
04:54I didn't talk!
04:57What is your postcode?
04:58What is my postcode?
05:02What's your mum's maiden name?
05:05OK, Roisin,
05:06do you enjoy going out in nature?
05:08I really enjoy nature,
05:10but nature's out to get me,
05:12and it feels...
05:13I have been,
05:15no exaggeration,
05:16locked in Hampstead Heath three times.
05:19I thought this was open space.
05:21It's not open space.
05:21There's no gate on Hampstead Heath, is there?
05:23There is a gate on Hampstead Heath.
05:24I've been locked in there three times, John.
05:26Oh, right.
05:26It's starting to come across a bit like a Tory MP.
05:30Twice in one year.
05:32I think the guy thought I was just trying to, like,
05:34get a bit of attention,
05:34like, in with his nips.
05:36Tell you what,
05:37me wandering around with these nips out on Hampstead Heath,
05:38we'll all get locked in.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41There is a bit of...
05:42There is some part of Hampstead Heath that is open
05:44for the people who do fruity stuff.
05:45It's like little...
05:46I don't think you do it...
05:46You find a bush.
05:48I don't think you find a bush.
05:50They're not into that.
05:51Well, they don't just do it...
05:52They don't just do it in the open ground.
05:54There's bush bits.
05:55Oh, I see the joke now, sorry.
05:59John, have you got a mascot?
06:00Yes, I have.
06:02Obviously, I've been vegan for a little while,
06:04and the problem is it's very competitive...
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07It's a very competitive environment.
06:09What?
06:10So you've got to find a way to be the most vegan.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:12So I've elevated now
06:14to now protecting the stuffed animal community.
06:17And I think the community I'm speaking about most here
06:19are the bin men and women of the UK
06:23who strap teddy bears to the front of their lorries
06:26against their will
06:28and drive them around in all weathers.
06:30You see them in winter.
06:31Little Elmo strapped to the front of a bin lorry.
06:35Not able to move.
06:36So I thought, well, see how they like it.
06:39So my mascot tonight, please welcome my lucky bin man, Phil.
06:50How long do I have to stay up here?
06:52I need a shit.
06:53I told you to have a shit before we started, didn't I, Phil?
06:56I did, but I need another one.
06:58I don't know what you're eating.
06:59Are you eating a lot of dairy?
07:01Uh, yeah.
07:01Well, I think you might have an intolerance.
07:03Maybe.
07:04It does hurt when you eat a magnum.
07:08Right.
07:11John, that four cheese pizza's coming back to haunt me.
07:14All right, let's back him out of here
07:15before he shits the studio out.
07:16Erm, that's Phil, everybody.
07:19APPLAUSE
07:22Someone had to take the front off a truck for that gag.
07:25It's mad, isn't it?
07:27There's a guy at limb service, he's now livid.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31Kyle, have you got a mascot?
07:32I've got a mascot, yeah.
07:33I didn't want to go route one.
07:35I thought outside of the box.
07:37Er, can we, er, can we get Aurora?
07:40APPLAUSE
07:45Oh, this is good.
07:46Hey, girl.
07:46Oh, my gosh.
07:50This is Aurora.
07:51And although it may look like I've never seen this bird
07:53before in my life...
07:56We actually went to drama school together.
07:59I'm not a great animal body language expert,
08:01but you don't seem the closest bear.
08:06OK, I'm getting the feeling the parrot's a little bit racist.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:13Maybe Aurora wants her snacks.
08:15Aurora, do you like snacks?
08:17Would you like a Jaffa cake?
08:24Come on, Aurora, we've practised this.
08:26Snuffles!
08:27Come on, Snuffles!
08:28She fucking hates you!
08:32Well, you've embarrassed me,
08:33so, erm, back to Jimmy's dressing room.
08:36Off you go.
08:37OK.
08:40Aurora.
08:41Aurora.
08:42Aurora.
08:43Er, Roshin, have you got a mascot that doesn't hate you?
08:45I do actually have a mascot, Jimmy Fee.
08:46What is your mascot?
08:47So, the thing that most relaxes me,
08:49that makes me feel very calm,
08:51and which I like to feel on this show,
08:52is my little doggy Harpo.
08:54Er, she's a little Maltese.
08:55So, I thought, what relaxes Harpo?
08:57Let's go to the source of what creates all the relaxation.
09:01And Harpo recently got done, you know, when they have...
09:03They get done.
09:04What's it called?
09:05Snip.
09:05Snip, but a woman's snip.
09:07She got done.
09:07Spade.
09:08Spade.
09:17Spade.
09:21Oh.
09:25Oh.
09:26Oh.
09:26Oh.
09:26The first sort of victim was this.
09:29Piggy.
09:30Now, I don't know if you can see,
09:31she's absolutely destroyed Piggy.
09:33Now, it's a pig.
09:35So, listen, lots of people have had sex with pigs,
09:36it's absolutely fine.
09:38This is not the worst of it.
09:39No.
09:41No.
09:41No.
09:41No, it isn't fine to fuck pigs.
09:44Is it pigs that have got curly willies?
09:46Yeah.
09:47I call it the pork screw.
09:48LAUGHTER
09:52APPLAUSE
09:54My mum thinks I'm sex shaming her by bringing this on the show.
09:56My mum's indulging it, and I walked in the other day,
09:59and my mum was letting this pig be used against her,
10:01while the pig humped... the dog humped the pig.
10:03So, the dog, your mum and that pig had a three-way.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:09Next, kitchen roll.
10:11Oh!
10:12She's gone up a gear.
10:13So, it escalated pretty fast.
10:15That's all sex stuff.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:19She's now gone absolutely feral,
10:21and done my hiking boot.
10:23Oh, wow.
10:24So, these are all sex toys of a little Maltese dog,
10:29but they bring her a lot of joy and they really calm her down,
10:32so I brought them in as my mascot.
10:34Lovely.
10:36APPLAUSE
10:37The worst bit is, I used that one for a pillow on the train.
10:40Oh!
10:42Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:43Absolutely, yes.
10:45Now, I've been taking health and safety in first aid quite seriously,
10:48and I've noticed, I've been here a few times,
10:50that there's no, um, deflubilator.
10:52What, sorry?
10:53LAUGHTER
10:55There's no what?
10:56Deflubilator.
10:56No.
10:58Pfff!
11:00Deflubilator.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:01You're adding an extra...
11:03Deflubilator.
11:05What did I say wrong?
11:06You're putting an L in there.
11:08No L?
11:08No L.
11:09Look it up, Suze.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:12How are we spelling it?
11:13Deflubilator.
11:14The wrong?
11:16Def...
11:17Def...
11:17Def...
11:17Def...
11:18Def...
11:18Relator.
11:19Let's be honest, no-one's spelling it when they need it.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:23So, let's not worry.
11:24Anyway, we ain't got one, whatever you want to call it.
11:26Right.
11:27So I was looking one up, very expensive, so I've tried to design my own.
11:31Ooh!
11:32Great idea.
11:33As a cost-effective safety measure.
11:34Great idea.
11:34So I've got one.
11:35Do you want to see it?
11:36Yeah.
11:36Bring it out, boys.
11:38APPLAUSE
11:41Do you want me to show how it works?
11:45Yeah.
11:45Yeah.
11:45I'm just praying this attaches to your nipples.
11:48LAUGHTER
11:50So, this is how it would work.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54I hope you don't mind, I've got this from your dressing room, Jim.
11:58So, yeah, so you basically hook it up, like this.
12:02LAUGHTER
12:03There we go.
12:04And then, this is how it works.
12:07You need to be deflubilated, yeah?
12:10Don't worry, I'm coming!
12:12LAUGHTER
12:13What's the word you say?
12:14Clear.
12:15Clear! That's it.
12:16So, here we go.
12:17So you put it on, and then...
12:19CLEAR!
12:23I think it's working.
12:24I think I've melted his Jaffa cake by the looks of it.
12:26LAUGHTER
12:27Yeah, anyway, so this is mine.
12:29So if anyone's struggling today, I can get you going again.
12:31Rob, back at everyone with his defibrillator.
12:36There you go.
12:37There must be a few defibs in here.
12:39Because regular countdown, you've got to lose one a week, haven't you?
12:41Yeah.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:42Is this a show other than this, then?
12:45There's a proper one where they get more than three-letter words.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50What fucking thing?
12:51She's coming up right in!
12:52She's coming up right in!
12:54She's coming up right in!
12:54Yeah.
12:55OK, well, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Lou Wall.
12:56APPLAUSE
13:01Lou is six foot four.
13:03To put that into perspective, that's about 12 John Richardsons.
13:07LAUGHTER
13:07Lou, tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:10Hello.
13:11I'm Lou.
13:11I'm from Australia, but I've, like, just moved to the UK.
13:14I like it here.
13:15It rules.
13:16But there's some cultural differences.
13:18Like, you guys call a toilet a loo.
13:21That's...
13:23But I find it, like, quite accurate, because I am, like, a toilet,
13:26like, white and full of fucking shit.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30Well, you're in Dictionary Corner.
13:31Are you better with the letters or the numbers?
13:33What's your thing?
13:33I like letters, I like literacy, but, like, if I am bad at it,
13:37it's, like, cos it's, like, hereditary.
13:39Um, recently I got this text from my mum.
13:42Dad hab died.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:44Followed by Dad heb died.
13:48Sorry.
13:49Dad's herbs died.
13:50LAUGHTER
13:52And then, uh, she just finished it off with this stunning text.
13:55Fucking auto-carrot.
13:57LAUGHTER
14:01APPLAUSE
14:01And with Lou, of course, it's Susie Denny.
14:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:10Susie's new book is a harrowing crime novel,
14:12and that sentence also works if you remove the word novel.
14:16LAUGHTER
14:19Susie, what have you been looking into recently?
14:21I have been looking into teen slang.
14:25Teen slang?
14:26Yeah.
14:26This six-seven thing, which is everywhere,
14:28that people are fascinated by.
14:30You've heard six-seven?
14:31Hmm.
14:32Six-seven?
14:33Six-seven.
14:33Yes.
14:34No-one knows what it means, including the kids.
14:36The derivation is, um, either a rap song
14:39or, uh, something to do with a basketball's height, I think.
14:44But, yeah, so six-seven, so it's like, you know,
14:46how tall are you?
14:47Six-seven?
14:48Did you say six-seven?
14:49So six-four?
14:50Uh, what time is it?
14:51Six-seven?
14:52Uh, you're probably about six-seven, Jimmy.
14:54On the slack, yeah.
14:56Oh!
14:57Um, so anyway, I find this completely fascinating
15:00because not even the kids know what it means.
15:02They lose break time at my daughter's school now
15:04if they say six-seven.
15:05Oh!
15:05They lose break time.
15:06Do they?
15:07It's that endemic.
15:08Six-seven.
15:08The teacher's terrified during maths.
15:10Like, if I ask a question...
15:13And they've started playing Countdown in my daughter's school.
15:15She said to me the other week,
15:16we've started playing this game where there's, like,
15:18numbers and letters.
15:19I never felt more, but I thought she'd be so excited when I went,
15:22you know that's what I do for a living.
15:24And she went, do you?
15:26I thought you were the co-kid from Waterloo Road.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:34And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:37APPLAUSE
15:40Do you have a favourite number?
15:42I quite like it.
15:43Have you heard of the golden ratio?
15:45Basically, it's this number that appears in nature
15:47in loads of different places,
15:48so in seashells it appears, in flowers,
15:52and it's an irrational number, so it's written as phi,
15:55the Greek letter phi,
15:56and it also appears in beautiful faces,
15:59the golden ratio, kind of, the width to the height.
16:02So what I think happened was when you went to your plastic surgeon,
16:06he got confused between phi face and pie face.
16:12So when you go back,
16:14you should ask for the golden ratio next time,
16:17rather than...that.
16:24OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight
16:26is this, the Countdown Camouflage Kit.
16:30Ooh!
16:34Now...
16:38A little bit of TV magic for you.
16:39Dear boys, show them where you are.
16:47OK, let's count down, everyone.
16:49Time for the first game.
16:50John, Roisin, you get the first turn to pick the letters.
16:52Roisin, would you like to pick the letters?
16:54Yes, please.
16:55Oh.
16:57That's backfired.
16:59Rachel, may I have four...
17:02Oh.
17:02A consonant.
17:05S.
17:05What's your problem with the way she's picking it?
17:07Well, just, if you don't give a shit, say no.
17:09I give a shit!
17:10Why don't you just put nine letters up there?
17:12No.
17:13You think, because I don't cry, because I'm not good at it,
17:15I don't care, I'm hiding my sadness.
17:18OK.
17:19Does that make you feel better?
17:20No.
17:21Another...
17:21Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:24I felt really real like a married couple arguing that.
17:26I want to say...
17:27I'm hiding my sadness.
17:28Look, we're having the kids eat the feature-express
17:30and try and have a good day.
17:32We're neighbours.
17:32He's an absolute nightmare neighbour.
17:34Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:36N?
17:36Why is he a nightmare neighbour?
17:38Oh, he has all kinds going on in there.
17:43What's he doing?
17:44Is his cardigan wearer?
17:45He's not.
17:46He's absolute filth.
17:46Another consonant.
17:49P.
17:51And a vowel, please, Rachel.
17:53E.
17:54And another vowel, please, Rachel.
17:56O.
17:56And another vowel.
17:59A.
18:00Last two are yours.
18:01One of each, please, Rachel.
18:02One of each.
18:03Just get them out of there, I don't really care.
18:04A U.
18:06And an L.
18:07I've gone right off the countdown music.
18:09I'm going to...
18:10I'm going to step it up.
18:11Boys, please.
18:18For your delectation, this is the Countdown Tongue Choir.
18:22Your time starts...
18:23now.
18:24.
18:26.
18:52.
18:54.
19:07John, Rob, do you fancy having a go on the Tongue Choir?
19:09Define having a go on.
19:11.
19:11.
19:12.
19:13.
19:13.
19:13.
19:13.
19:14.
19:14.
19:14.
19:14.
19:14.
19:15.
19:16.
19:16.
19:17.
19:17.
19:22There's no noise coming out of that.
19:30Hang on, I'm going to the other end. This guy, look at this.
19:39It's like a forearm. There's no sound at all there.
19:43Come closer, Clarice.
19:48What is this show?
19:51The Countdown Tongue Choir, everyone. Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you.
19:58Jon Hammond, that is...
20:00Seven. Seven?
20:03Roisin? Six.
20:04Rob? Five.
20:06Kyle? Seven.
20:07Ooh! He came to play.
20:11Oh, yeah, for real.
20:12Rob, your five? Leaps.
20:14OK, Roisin, your six?
20:16Planes.
20:17Jon, your seven?
20:18Weapons.
20:20Ooh!
20:21Kyle, your seven?
20:22Weapons.
20:23OK, seven points to both teams.
20:28I'm excited about this.
20:29You guys are in trouble.
20:30He's not fucking about me.
20:32Five, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
20:35He's got 11 options.
20:37In the same time, I got leaps.
20:42Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
20:44Just another seven from us.
20:46What was the other seven?
20:46Apolloon.
20:47Speeds forward.
20:48It's the point at which a spacecraft in lunar orbit
20:50is furthest from the moon, and it's the opposite of the periloon.
20:54OK, on to our first numbers round.
20:56Rob, Kyle, your turn to pick the numbers.
20:58Two big ones, all the rest are little ones, please, Rachel.
21:00Coming up.
21:00Ten and ten.
21:01That's 20 already.
21:02One, three, 75 and 50.
21:06Don't give it away.
21:07And the target, eight, four, seven.
21:09Oh, shit.
21:09OK, and your time starts now.
21:42OK, so the target was eight, four, seven.
21:44Roisin, did you get it?
21:45I did.
21:46No good.
21:46Do you want it?
21:47Yeah, I'll come back to you in one sec.
21:48It won't be there in a minute.
21:51John, did you get it?
21:53I think I got eight, four, eight.
21:54Rob, did you get it?
21:55I got 800.
21:57Kyle, did you get it?
21:59No.
21:59I got 840.
22:01Roisin, how did you do it?
22:02So I did...
22:0410 times 75.
22:07Oh, no, er, er, yeah, seven...
22:10Er...
22:12Hmm...
22:13750.
22:14I've got it wrong, cos I've got it down as 800.
22:16But add a ten on to the 75.
22:18Oh, my God, Jimmy's got one!
22:21Well, you get 850 and then there's a three there.
22:23I mean...
22:24Oh, wow.
22:24Yeah.
22:25It's the easiest one we've had in...
22:26I didn't get it.
22:28I'm so sure I had it.
22:29That's not allowed, is it?
22:31Ten points to me.
22:33Were you good at maths at college or at school?
22:37No.
22:37Do you know how long you pause sometimes?
22:39It's like you've just turned off.
22:42You just bring it up with your manufacturer.
22:48John, how did you get what you got?
22:50Number, 75...
22:53...times...
22:53...ten plus one.
22:54Plus one for 85.
22:56And then somewhere else...
22:58...ten...
22:58...ten...
23:00...times three.
23:01What are you doing?
23:02This is not your style.
23:03No, I don't know.
23:03It's gone.
23:04Roshi got it wrong.
23:05John's got nothing written down.
23:06John!
23:06We've got 840.
23:07Kyle, off you go.
23:0975 times 10.
23:111 plus 3 is 4 times 10.
23:14Times the other 10, 40.
23:16Add those together.
23:17790 plus 50.
23:18Yep.
23:19Seven away.
23:20OK.
23:21Five points to Kyle.
23:23So John and Rochin are on seven points.
23:26Rob and Kyle are in the lead with 12.
23:32And here is your teaser.
23:33The words are send tits, the clue is open wide.
23:36That's send tits, open wide.
23:38See you after the break.
23:58It was, of course, dentists.
24:00So, Rob and Kyle are in the lead.
24:03They've been playing in teams so far.
24:04But this game is just for Rob and Rochin.
24:07Hmm.
24:07So, Rob, your turn to choose.
24:09Do you know what?
24:09I think it's good that John has a little break from this,
24:11because I think his head's completely gone.
24:13I agree.
24:13He's not happy.
24:14Kyle's turned up.
24:15And not only is he better than John at spelling and countdown,
24:18he also is cool.
24:20Is it just cool, Rob?
24:22He's in a cardigan.
24:23Well, yeah.
24:23He's actually turned up in his outfit, but in a cool one.
24:27So, I think it's good you have a little break,
24:28because you don't seem yourself.
24:31I don't want to be myself.
24:32I'm going to be Lewis Hamilton for a bit while you do this, friends.
24:39Fucking idiot!
24:40I don't think he makes some noises with his mouth.
24:43Well, he's done you again.
24:46Pick some letters.
24:47OK, cool.
24:48Please, can I have...
24:50You pick.
24:52You're in charge, Rach.
24:54R.
24:56E.
24:58T.
24:59There we go.
25:00I.
25:01M.
25:03A.
25:04S.
25:05This is a great one.
25:07E.
25:07And the last one.
25:09T.
25:10And your time starts...
25:12now.
25:17T.
25:17T.
25:18D.
25:19Ok.
25:21Come on.
25:32John, could you give me a hand with this?
25:35Yeah.
25:35TAP IT
25:46TAP IT AROUND THE BACK, MATE
25:49OH, YEAH
25:51DOES ANYONE WANT A BEER?
25:52I'LL HAVE A GO
25:53OK, MORE LOVELY
25:55OH
25:56IS THAT A NORMAL FLOE FOR YOU?
25:59OH, YEAH
26:01UHHHHH
26:02AH
26:02AH
26:10SALTIER THAN YOU'D THINK
26:12THE STONE SINK TO THE BOTTOM
26:17ANYONE ELSE WANT A BEER?
26:18YOU NEED TO GET A MANUFACTURE TO SORT YOUR ROBOT KNEES OUT, MATE
26:25THEY'RE NOT BENDING HOW THEY SHOULD
26:28IT'S LIKE A COW TRYING TO GO UP STANDS
26:32OH
26:33WANT TO TRY SOME?
26:37OH, JOHN
26:38I FEEL VERY PATERNAL
26:49THANK YOU, DADDY
26:50LET'S BRING OUT THE BEERS, YEAH
26:51I LIKE THAT
26:52IS THERE ANY MORE?
26:55JUST WORTH LETTING EVERYONE KNOW I HAD ASPARAGUS FOR LUNCH
26:57THANK YOU, THANK YOU, JOHN
27:00NICE
27:05OH, RUSH IN, HOW MANY?
27:07I MEAN, I'M SORT OF NERVOUS
27:10OKAY
27:10I'VE GOT NINE
27:11WOW
27:14THIS IS A BIG DEAL
27:17OKAY
27:17HAVE I NOT GOT NINE
27:18YOU'VE GOT A REALLY GOOD EIGHT
27:20WHY?
27:23THERE ISN'T, THERE IS
27:24YEAH
27:24BUT ONLY THE ONE OF THEM
27:26OH, JOHN
27:30HE CAN'T EVEN LET HIS OWN TEAMMATE DO WELL
27:32YOU'RE A DISCRACE
27:33YOU COULDN'T EVEN LET HER HAVE A MOMENT
27:36HE DID THOUGH, HE SORT OF SAVED ME
27:37DO YOU WANT ROSHIN TO SCORE EIGHT OR NOT SCORE EIGHT?
27:40ROCK, HOW MANY HAVE YOU GOT?
27:41I'VE GOT A SEVEN
27:43OKAY
27:43WHAT IS YOUR SEVEN?
27:45MATTERS
27:45ROSHIN, YOUR EIGHT
27:47MISTREAT
27:48I THOUGHT IT WAS MISTREATS
27:50GOT VERY EXCITED
27:52I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE EIGHT
27:53I THINK THE EIGHT'S VERY GOOD
27:57LUE, SUSIE
27:58COULD THEY HAVE DONE ANY BETTER?
28:00WE HAD A COUPLE OF EIGHTS
28:01WE HAD STEMIA
28:02EMERATES
28:03EMERATES
28:03NOT AS IN THE ARSENAL GROUND, BUT AS IN THE PROVINCE OF EMER
28:07OKAY
28:08SO AT THE END OF THAT
28:09ROB AND KYLE HAVE 12 POINTS
28:11JOHN AND ROSHIN HAVE 15
28:15AN EIGHT
28:16AN EIGHT
28:17AN EIGHT
28:17I REALLY TRIED
28:18I THINK IT'S PRETTY FAIR
28:20YOU NEEDED THAT
28:21BECAUSE JOHN'S GOING UP AGAINST KYLE NOW
28:23I HAVE TO GIVE FAITH IN MY TEAMMATE
28:26HE'S SHOWN CONSISTENCY
28:28HE'S NOT A FRAGGADOCHIOUS PLAYER
28:30AND WILL TAKE US TO THE FINAL
28:32DO YOU KNOW WHAT, I FEEL THE SAME ABOUT MINE
28:33BUT I'M NOT HAVING TO FLUFF HIM UP
28:35BECAUSE HIS HEAD'S GOT
28:35NO
28:37NO NEED
28:38YOU'VE BEEN FLUFFING ALL NIGHT
28:38HE'S DOWN THERE ROCK HARD
28:40IT'S VERY RARE ON THIS SHOW
28:42THAT TEAMMATES REFER TO EACH OTHER AS ROCK HARD
28:46CAN I JUST SAY
28:48NO
28:48I'M ABSOLUTELY FINE
28:50AND IF KYLE DOES WELL
28:51THAT BENEFITS THE SHOW
28:55Hello, Rachel
28:56I don't
28:57Six small, please
28:58Six
29:01Do you like the numbers, John?
29:03Confident with six months
29:04I don't mind the numbers
29:04I don't mind the letters
29:05I just appreciate good friends
29:07having a good time
29:07Well, this has been a tricky selection
29:10We've got 5
29:117
29:124
29:133
29:1410
29:15and 9
29:16And the target
29:18185
29:18And your time starts now
29:213
29:2210
29:2310
29:2410
29:2510
29:2610
29:2610
29:2610
29:2611
29:4211
29:4312
29:4314
29:4315
29:4315
29:5016
29:52Uh, smug much, John?
29:54How's your boy doing?
29:58Flaccid now.
30:00Gail, did you get it? 184. OK, John, did you get it?
30:04I think I've got it, yeah. How did you get it?
30:0710 plus 9. No, no, less smug.
30:1010 plus 9.
30:1319. 19 times 7 plus 3.
30:17190.
30:18Take away that little thigh.
30:20Can have you a lap of honour.
30:2210 points.
30:27How do you feel about it, Kyle? How do you feel about that?
30:29I would have liked to have won that one, actually, yeah.
30:33Yeah.
30:34It's weird, cos I believed him when he said it.
30:37Well, he's a good actor.
30:40Well, he's not in Waterloo Road.
30:42No, he's not.
30:44Is that a compliment?
30:48Not a little blue smurf, is he?
30:50I've got four lines and three of them were...
30:54OK, so Rob and Kyle have 12 points.
30:58John and Roisin have 25.
31:01APPLAUSE
31:04OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
31:07Lou, what have you got for us?
31:08OK, so I had a really shitty old bed frame.
31:11And so I put it on an online marketplace for free.
31:15And this is that story.
31:17I have turned it into a musical.
31:19You're welcome.
31:22And for context, all you need to know
31:24is that the bed frame is up there for free.
31:27This is how it began.
31:29Is the bed frame still available?
31:33Yes, it is.
31:34Gay emoji.
31:36Can I please negotiate the price?
31:39No.
31:39Why?
31:41It's free.
31:42You are the hard bargain, Lucia.
31:45But that's just not the way marketplace working.
31:48I was like, alright, how about half price?
31:50Just for you, Eileen.
31:52How much now?
31:53Still free.
31:55Dance, dance, dance.
31:56You are the best.
31:58Potty, potty.
31:59Here's my address.
32:01Wow, that's a long, long way from my house now.
32:04How about a small disc?
32:07I said, Eileen, I can't be clearer.
32:09It's free to pick up.
32:10Could you drive it to me, please?
32:13What the fuck?
32:14Please, no.
32:14Please, no.
32:15Please, no.
32:16I don't own a car.
32:18Why didn't you say something?
32:19I can drive.
32:22See you tomorrow.
32:23Fine.
32:25So at this point, like, I go to bed.
32:27I'm like, I'll deal with this bitch in the morning.
32:28And then very early the next morning, I receive this text.
32:33Lucia, I'm out the front.
32:36Sent at 5am.
32:39I said, see you at 5.
32:42Please come out and let me in.
32:45I should have known not to trust you.
32:47Axe, pickaxe.
32:48Fire.
32:48Should have known you didn't care.
32:50Fire.
32:51I show up on time.
32:53Are you dead?
32:55Please.
32:57Where is bed?
33:00How was I supposed to know that what you meant was 5am?
33:04Knock, knock, knock.
33:05Are they?
33:05Let me in.
33:07No.
33:07It's not an ideal time for you to get the bed frame.
33:10No more time then.
33:11I'm like, could you come back at 8?
33:13But I'm outside.
33:14Yeah, my housemates are sleeping.
33:16Should I just not...
33:18This is getting crazy.
33:19I go back to sleep.
33:21I wake up at 8.
33:21Is she there?
33:22No.
33:2212 hours later though.
33:23Who she is again?
33:24Lucina.
33:25I'm here again.
33:27It's 8pm.
33:28Yes, where is the bed?
33:29Is the concept of time too hard for you to comprehend.
33:33You're 12 hours late, Eileen.
33:34I can't get you the bed.
33:36Like, I'm at work right now.
33:38Okay, like I'm not even home.
33:39But I came all the way back for it.
33:41Yeah.
33:41I know.
33:42No.
33:43Please.
33:44Heartbreak emoji.
33:45Pumpkin emoji.
33:46Sorry, typo.
33:47Seriously, please.
33:48Where the bed?
33:49Oh my God.
33:50That lady's back.
33:51What can you help her get the bed shot?
33:52Okay.
33:53My housemate is home.
33:54Knock on the door.
33:55Ask for Tim.
33:56402.
33:56No, 403.
33:57Knock, knock, knock.
33:58It's 403.
33:59Knock, knock, knock.
33:59Anyone in angry dolphin pilot shit?
34:02This is not what I expected.
34:03I'm taking off the bedding and the pillow and the mattress.
34:05What?
34:05There is no bedding.
34:06Just talk to Tim.
34:07He'll show you what to take.
34:07Is this free?
34:08Picture of a pillow.
34:09That's not my pillow.
34:10Taking pillow.
34:11Where'd you get the pillow?
34:12Where the fuck are you?
34:13Is Eileen there?
34:14No.
34:14Shit.
34:14Fuck.
34:19Bigger than I thought.
34:20And free bedding.
34:22Five stars.
34:22Miss call.
34:23Miss call.
34:23Miss call.
34:24Miss call.
34:24Miss call.
34:24Miss call.
34:26Cannot talk driving with bed.
34:27I said, Eileen.
34:28Can you please pick up?
34:29Yay.
34:29I don't think you took my bed.
34:30Tim said, you never picked it up.
34:32Thank you for the bed, Lucia.
34:33Miss call.
34:34Eileen 5R.
34:35A message from my neighbour.
34:36We have just been robbed.
34:37And then she's taken.
34:39Lock your doors.
34:42Eileen, you stole my neighbour's bed.
34:44My bed's still here.
34:45You took the wrong bed from the wrong house.
34:48I did no such thing.
34:50Then she blocks me.
34:51I said, Eileen, please, where is bed?
35:01You've had contact with the person that's going to murder you.
35:04I mean, 100%.
35:06Yeah, and that bed frame's still very much available.
35:10How much do you want for it?
35:13And here is your teaser.
35:15The words are penis hat.
35:16The clue is, don't be so dramatic.
35:18That's penis hat.
35:19Don't be so dramatic.
35:21See you after the break.
35:38Welcome back.
35:39The answer to the teaser.
35:39The words were penis hat.
35:41The clue was, don't be so dramatic.
35:43It was, of course, thespian.
35:44Rob and Kyle, you're 13 points behind.
35:47Yeah.
35:48So, we thought we would give you a little bit of extra help.
35:51in the form of the award-winning comedian,
35:54winner of the Edinburgh Comedy Award, Sam Nickaresti.
35:57Woo!
35:58Welcome back.
35:59Welcome back.
36:04Nice to be here.
36:06Sorry I'm late.
36:07I was backstage hanging out with the friendliest parrot in the world.
36:11LAUGHTER
36:11OK, so you won the Edinburgh Comedy Award,
36:14which is very impressive, but we're all winners here.
36:16Everyone's a leader in their field.
36:17We've got Britain's smallest man.
36:20LAUGHTER
36:20TV's most chatty horse.
36:22And the world's most pointless mathematician.
36:25I don't know which one of us is the horse.
36:28There's three in the running.
36:31LAUGHTER
36:35Now, have you brought a mascot?
36:37Do you know, I have bought a mascot, actually.
36:39Jimmy, let me get it up.
36:40Here we go.
36:41How about this?
36:42Ooh!
36:43Yeah, I bought this from home.
36:45What do you reckon?
36:47Ah, nice.
36:47Have you seen this?
36:48Have you seen one of those before?
36:49Ooh!
36:50Wow!
36:51Yeah?
36:51You like that?
36:52Yeah.
36:52I like trains.
36:54I've got an affinity with trains,
36:55because, much like my hero, the Siberian Railway,
36:58I am also trans.
37:00So...
37:04APPLAUSE
37:08Just to explain,
37:09that's why I'm dressed like the ghosts of liberal future
37:11come to haunt your problematic nan at Christmas.
37:13That's the look.
37:14I don't know if anyone else here is really aware of it.
37:16Very hard.
37:17Very hard being trans.
37:18When I came out,
37:19I came out to my girlfriend a couple of years ago,
37:21and she was really good with it, but, like,
37:23you have to be honest,
37:24it's not really clear how you come out to your girlfriend
37:26about being trans.
37:28Like, what do you do?
37:28Sit down and say,
37:30honey, huge news,
37:31you're gay.
37:33That's...
37:35I mean, we're in trouble.
37:36I was tuning in to the news the other day,
37:39and they were saying,
37:40ah, trans women,
37:40they better stay away from sports.
37:43My pleasure.
37:44What the hell?
37:45LAUGHTER
37:47For me, that's the entire point.
37:49Do you know, like,
37:49I would have transitioned in secondary school
37:52if I knew it came with a sick note.
37:54That's a sick note.
37:56Big fan.
37:57But, yes, my pronouns are she, they,
37:59but that's neither her nor their.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:03APPLAUSE
38:07OK.
38:08John, Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
38:10Hello, Rachel.
38:11Hi, John.
38:12Could we have a commencement, please?
38:14LAUGHTER
38:15Yes, boss.
38:16R.
38:17And another one, please.
38:19Oh, he's cheered up now he's won the maths.
38:21Well, he's done the maths,
38:22but I still don't think he can do
38:23Kyla's spelling,
38:24and we're going to see that play out,
38:26and I'm quite excited.
38:27A vowel, please.
38:29O.
38:31A consonant, please.
38:33N.
38:33I think Sam's going to be really good as well,
38:35so you really have to try hard.
38:37LAUGHTER
38:37A vowel, please.
38:40E.
38:40Another vowel, please, Rachel.
38:43I.
38:44And another consonant, then.
38:47C.
38:48Yeah, that's nice.
38:49Kick your vibes up.
38:50And, er...
38:51Love a consonant, please,
38:53in this game I love with my friends.
38:56N.
38:57And then...
38:58Another consonant, please, old friend.
39:02N.
39:02Nailed mate.
39:04Aw!
39:04OK, all right, your time starts now.
39:06MUSIC PLAYS
39:09MUSIC PLAYS
39:12MUSIC PLAYS
39:30ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
39:38Rob, how many you got? I've got five. You've got five.
39:41Kyle, how many? Seven. Seven, OK.
39:43Roshin? Five. OK. Sam, how many?
39:48I think I might have a nine. I think.
39:51John? I also have a nine.
39:54Oh! What is your five?
39:57My five is rinse. Rinse. Rob, your five?
40:02Gonna. Ooh. Gonna. They're a goner.
40:05That is a word. Rinse, unfortunately, has an S.
40:08Ha! Not a C.
40:09LAUGHTER
40:09LAUGHTER
40:12Roshin's a goner.
40:14Roshin's a goner.
40:16What's your seven? Cringer. Cringer?
40:19Ooh.
40:19Oh. No.
40:21Er, yes.
40:22Oh!
40:24APPLAUSE
40:27Do you know what that looked like, Susie?
40:29That looked like the money hadn't hit your account yet.
40:32LAUGHTER
40:36Oh, it has, actually, yeah.
40:37It's definitely there.
40:39OK, so, John, Sam, I'd like you to say your nine-letter word
40:43on the count of three.
40:44All right, you ready?
40:45One, two, three.
40:46Cornering.
40:47APPLAUSE
40:4918 points for both teams.
40:54OK, here is your final teaser.
40:56The words are scene fart, the clue is seal that up.
40:59That's scene fart, seal that up.
41:01See you after the break.
41:08APPLAUSE
41:18Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
41:19The words were scene fart, the clue was seal that up.
41:22It was, of course, fastener.
41:24Ooh. OK, time for our final letters game.
41:27Sam, your turn to choose.
41:28Oh, my... OK.
41:30Please, may I have a consonant?
41:32You may, indeed.
41:33And...
41:34Oh, yes.
41:35And then two vowels.
41:38A...
41:39U.
41:40Consonant, please.
41:42D.
41:43OK.
41:44I think a vowel.
41:46Good choice.
41:47I.
41:49Well, now the pressure's on to make a good choice.
41:51Again, consonant, right?
41:52S.
41:53No, I'm not happy with that.
41:54Oh, no.
41:56Um...
41:57Consonant.
41:58M.
41:59A vowel.
42:00I've got another A.
42:02Er, and then a consonant.
42:03And the last one, R.
42:05Cool.
42:06I might have a crack on this because I find the game boring.
42:09OK, your time starts...
42:12Now.
42:48LAUGHTER
42:59Rob, how many?
43:01Six.
43:02Kyle?
43:03Seven.
43:04Sam?
43:05Six.
43:06Roisin?
43:07Five.
43:09OK. John?
43:11Seven.
43:13Oh!
43:15Kyle!
43:17Roisin, your five?
43:18Mitel.
43:19What, sorry?
43:22Mitel?
43:23How are you spelling that incorrectly?
43:26How are you spelling the word that doesn't exist incorrectly?
43:31Mitel?
43:32Yeah.
43:33Oh, yeah.
43:33That's the one.
43:34So you wrote a U and you couldn't be asked to finish it so it was an L?
43:38It's not, it's just a sort of half-finish.
43:39Look, the word was causing me the most, so I gave up at the end.
43:42I thought, this isn't a word.
43:43So I bailed out on the U.
43:45But now it seems like it is a word.
43:47Am I right?
43:47Check your account.
43:48LAUGHTER
43:51It's not in yet.
43:53Rob, your six.
43:55Rudest.
43:56Rudest.
43:56Yeah.
43:56Yeah.
43:57Yeah, that feels more on problem.
43:58How are you spelling rudest?
44:00Er, nudist with an R.
44:01R.
44:02Er...
44:02OK, she don't look happy.
44:04LAUGHTER
44:04I can't believe this is in.
44:06Oh, well, tell you what, shove it.
44:09LAUGHTER
44:09Because it is in.
44:11Do you know what it means?
44:12Absolutely not, no.
44:13No, it's a cone-shaped fossil bivalve mollusk.
44:16Absolutely.
44:17I just thought it was someone that was the rudest.
44:20LAUGHTER
44:20I was going to go for audits, but I didn't want to panic Jimmy.
44:26That's fair.
44:28Sam, your six.
44:29Autism.
44:30What's your seven?
44:31Stadium.
44:31John, your seven.
44:32I've got mustard.
44:33What's the other word?
44:35Marauds.
44:36Ooh, you should have gone with that one.
44:37But I wasn't sure on the spelling of that.
44:39Oh, right.
44:39It's never stopped Roisin.
44:43OK, seven points to both teams.
44:49OK, Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:52More sevens.
44:53More sevens.
44:54We have Marauds and Traumas and Samurai.
44:56Ooh.
44:57Samurai would have been good.
44:59These are some birds.
44:59OK, so Rob, Kyle and Sam have 37 points.
45:03John and Roisin have 50.
45:04Oh.
45:05APPLAUSE
45:07Well done, Labour.
45:08OK, fingers on buzzers.
45:10Time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
45:12Your time starts now.
45:14BUZZER
45:16BUZZER
45:19BUZZER
45:21BUZZER
45:22BUZZER
45:26BUZZER
45:26BUZZER
45:27BUZZER
45:27BUZZER
45:28BUZZER
45:29BUZZER
45:34BUZZER
45:35BUZZER
45:37BUZZER
45:37BUZZER
45:38BUZZER
45:38BUZZER
45:38BUZZER
45:38BUZZER
45:38BUZZER
45:38BUZZER
45:39BUZZER
45:39BUZZER
45:40BUZZER
45:40BUZZER
45:41BUZZER
45:41BUZZER
45:41BUZZER
45:46BUZZER
45:46BUZZER
45:55So, the final scores are Rob and Kyle and Sam have 47 points,
45:59but our winners, Jon and Roisin, are with 50.
46:02Congratulations.
46:03You are now the proud owner of this, the Countdown Camouflage Fit.
46:12Thanks to all our panelist, our wonderful studio audience,
46:14and to all of you for watching at home.
46:15That's it from us. Good night!
Comments