- 3 hours ago
Urzila S01E04-6 (2026)
Category
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TVTranscript
00:05Hello, Ursula?
00:07Kids, shut up.
00:08Shh, shh, shh.
00:11Are you home?
00:12Weevil!
00:14Someone find mommy's pants.
00:15Where are you naked?
00:17Who put this shit on the wall?
00:20What?
00:21What's the emergency?
00:22Did someone die?
00:23I just thought I'd pop by.
00:25Pop by?
00:26Bitch, I'm not prepared for that.
00:28This house is a mess.
00:29I'm not going to let you see my filth.
00:31I bet you're one of those tidy house psychos.
00:33What are you hiding, huh?
00:34What kind of Fritzl situation is going on at your place?
00:37Can I just use your bathroom?
00:39No.
00:40We don't have one.
00:42Yeah, we're free weirs now.
00:44It's better for the environment.
00:45Just go we over there.
00:53Ew, grub.
00:54You are on fire!
00:56Oh, my God!
00:59Honestly, you make my tits perk up and nothing does that.
01:02Can I just say, as a 50-year-old woman, do you know the hardest part of my day these
01:06days?
01:06And you go, is it menopause?
01:08No, it's lining up my nipples.
01:11Like initially, like in my 40s, it was once a day.
01:13I put the bra on.
01:14I'd line the girls up.
01:15I'd go, I'm good to go.
01:16Now, they go, they're wilting like celery in Brisbane.
01:22They just can't do it.
01:24Then you talk to younger women, you know, whose skin's still fit.
01:27And they go, it's so embarrassing.
01:29Today, I went to work and I forgot to put on a bra.
01:37They go, I didn't even notice until I went for morning tea, made a cup of tea.
01:40When I opened the fridge, my nipples just went, ding!
01:43I was like, yeah, I weirdly had a very similar experience this week.
01:47Forgot to put a bra on.
01:48When did you make a cup of tea?
01:49And slammed my tits in the drawer.
01:52Oh!
01:56Very similar story.
01:57My nipples also went, ding-dong.
02:01Honestly, the stuff we go through as women with our boobs is crazy.
02:04I can't believe the technology has not really changed, you know.
02:07The fight we have with our underwire is insane.
02:11Insane.
02:12Like, you go throughout the day and you never know when that thing's coming out.
02:16You're just at work, you're working, it's 3 o'clock, you turn to look at your work wife
02:19and you're like, oh, I can't.
02:22And, you know, you go, oh, I think I may have had a stroke or something.
02:26I can't turn my, oh, no, it's the underwire.
02:28It's out.
02:29The underwire crept out.
02:30No one had said anything to you.
02:33And, you know, that thing didn't just go, it didn't just pop out.
02:36It slowly, incrementally, quarter millimeter by quarter millimeter was creeping out.
02:41You've been dealing with clients all day.
02:43You've been talking to your friends.
02:44Not one of them have gone, hey, babes.
02:47Yeah, your mechanical tit is unraveling.
02:50You know, that's how it changes.
02:51You go, how has your life changed as you've gotten older?
02:54I've got a lot more confidence.
02:55And I went from a double D to a 38 long.
03:09I'm looking for the owner of a 10 double D grey granny bra with underwire issues 2017 model.
03:16It's me.
03:17Come on.
03:19All right.
03:21Pop the hood.
03:23Yay.
03:24Yay.
03:24Oh, lady.
03:25I haven't seen one of these in years.
03:27Yeah, it's vintage.
03:28No, it's a shitbox is what it is.
03:30You should have come to see me ages ago.
03:32What the hell?
03:33I've got an antenna.
03:33You can catch talkback radio on this.
03:35Oh, I'm a racist bastard.
03:37But we could just take the underwire out and then it should be fine.
03:40If we take the underwire, that right tit is going to come right down.
03:43And by Wednesday, you just drop kicking it on the pavement.
03:46I don't want that.
03:46No one wants that.
03:47What we're going to do is I'm going to go ahead and put it back in for you, OK?
03:51Yeah.
03:52Oh, God.
03:53Just don't scream.
03:54OK.
03:55Yeah.
03:55Oh, God.
03:55She's in.
03:56That feels so much better.
03:57So much better.
03:58They're doing free work.
03:59Oh, we're not done.
04:01We're not done?
04:01No, no.
04:02Look, the suspension on this thing is munted.
04:04Look at that.
04:04Look at that.
04:05Oh.
04:05Duff is going to be dragging on that thing.
04:07It's got no shocks left in it.
04:09OK.
04:09Do you get a lot of tit-poppages on that?
04:11Oh, sometimes if I stop suddenly.
04:12Yeah.
04:13It's because your brake's on, Roy.
04:14OK.
04:14I'll tell you what.
04:15She's a big job.
04:16The rims are all bent up.
04:17Leave her with me for a couple of days.
04:19I'll give you one of these courtesy bras.
04:20Maybe that sporty one.
04:21No.
04:22I can't wear that.
04:23And I need this done now.
04:24I need it now.
04:27Hop up.
04:27Let me have a look underneath.
04:30All righty, Roy.
04:31Shall we?
04:32OK.
04:33Good news, bad news.
04:34You're getting new lace.
04:35Just do it.
04:36Just do it.
04:37Oh.
04:38Oh.
04:39You sure you know what you're doing down there?
04:41I'm going to need a hammer.
04:44Oh, wow.
04:45Got it.
04:46They should lift those girls up.
04:49Oh.
04:49Oh.
04:50Oh, no.
04:50I've hit the milk tank.
04:51Oh, sorry.
04:52I'm night-tanting.
04:53I should have to get it.
04:54It's all right.
04:54It happens all the time.
04:55Don't worry about it.
04:58That was a messy job, eh?
04:59Like, oh.
05:00I'm going to smell like custard for days.
05:01I mean, it's much better.
05:02So thank you.
05:04There you go.
05:06$1,455.
05:07That seems like a lot.
05:10Oh, my mum.
05:11What's the damage?
05:12Well, it...
05:13New underwires, 15mm straps,
05:17D-cup re-padding.
05:18Well, going off this month's Spotlight catalogue,
05:21I'd say $17.70.
05:23Yeah, and labour, though.
05:25So, like, 10 minutes.
05:27$17.70, is it?
05:30Thanks, Mum.
05:33Thanks.
05:34Don't hurry back.
05:35Next!
05:36It's been 28 days since the virus spread,
05:40what many are calling a carendemic.
05:42She spat in my son's face.
05:44I'm notifying the authorities!
05:47And we'll look at it.
05:51You have no right to film me.
05:52That's it.
05:53If you film me, I'll film you.
05:55The Australian military has finally captured
05:57the first of the infected, Karen Zero.
06:00You're beating my voice!
06:02Scientists hoping her DNA
06:03may provide a cure to this horrifying plague.
06:11Karen!
06:12Karen!
06:12Karen, can you hear us?
06:13Karen!
06:14Karen!
06:14Yes!
06:15I'm asleep, not dead.
06:17Use your inside voice.
06:19Can you understand what we're saying?
06:20Yes, I speak English.
06:21This is an English-speaking country
06:22the last time I checked.
06:23Although, before you know it,
06:24we'll all be speaking Afrikaans.
06:25So why stop letting those people in?
06:27We only have until midnight
06:28to secure a DNA sample.
06:29It's the only way to create a cure.
06:32Okay, Karen,
06:32I'm going to get a strand of your head now, okay?
06:35Hey, hey, hey!
06:36The only people I can touch my blunt bulb
06:38is Fernando, my stylist,
06:39and me when I have to fix his cock-ups.
06:41You're not touching my blunt bulb!
06:43We're running out of time.
06:44I'm going to get a skin scraping.
06:45Good luck.
06:46I've had more sunbeds
06:47than you've had hot meals.
06:48Don't you know you're ruining the world?
06:50You're evil!
06:51And you're rude, Missy!
06:52I'm going to make you really famous
06:53on my Facebook community page.
06:55We need to get a blood sample.
06:57Excuse me,
06:57are you even a qualified phlebotomist?
06:59I'm going to need a man for this job, please.
07:01Are you not putting that on me?
07:02Ah!
07:03I don't even get vaccinated!
07:04You don't know what's in that!
07:05I do all my own research!
07:07Get off me!
07:08There are 443,000 Karen's
07:10on this planet because of you.
07:12And that number
07:13is increasing
07:14minute by minute!
07:15It's okay.
07:15I'll talk to their supervisor.
07:17There is no supervisor.
07:18I'll talk to their manager then.
07:19There is no manager either!
07:20So who's in charge
07:21of these Karen's then?
07:22You are the first Karen
07:24who started the virus!
07:25So what does that mean?
07:26I guess it means
07:27the supervisor
07:29is you.
07:32I want to talk to the supervisor.
07:34I am the supervisor.
07:35I have to speak to myself?
07:37What?
07:38You can't talk to me like that.
07:39I pay my taxes.
07:40I know my rights.
07:41I've been a customer here for years.
07:43You can't talk there.
07:44Don't film.
07:45I will film you!
07:46Why don't you go back
07:47to where you came from?
07:49Spin it, Angel!
07:57Is she dead?
07:58I think so.
08:00We may win this war yet!
08:07Oh, this place is filthy!
08:09How long are you going
08:09to let the blood lie here?
08:11Who's in charge
08:12of mopping these floors?
08:13This is a safe thing,
08:14the show.
08:16You know,
08:16we are in here
08:17because we all have
08:18something in common.
08:19We all love comedy
08:20and very sexy lesbians.
08:22No, you know,
08:23that's what bring people together.
08:25The things we have in common.
08:26We think it's sport,
08:27but it's a lot more simple than that.
08:29We have very simple things.
08:30It's like,
08:30if you drive a car,
08:31you own a car,
08:32you pick your nose in the car
08:33and you flick the snot
08:34in the passenger footwell.
08:36Don't you?
08:37Oh, me!
08:38I will go lock down
08:39that car park
08:40next to this building
08:41and I will get us,
08:42someone to take a blue light
08:43through all of your cars,
08:44that passenger footwell
08:45will light up
08:46like a smurf's anus.
08:48You know it.
08:49You know when you're driving.
08:52Well,
08:53you're not going to eat it,
08:54you animal.
08:54I mean,
08:55on a nice day
08:56when the windows open,
08:57you biff it out the window,
08:58but otherwise,
08:58it goes in the passenger footwell.
09:00You also don't want to roll the car
09:01and then have to explain to people
09:02it's because you're picking your nose.
09:04We all,
09:04that's the stuff
09:05that bring us together,
09:06the little things
09:06that get on our nerves
09:07or the little things
09:08that we do,
09:08like we all drink box wine.
09:10You know?
09:10And I know,
09:11so if you're fancy
09:12and you go,
09:12well,
09:13I have never,
09:13well,
09:13if you've never had box wine,
09:15then you've never asked
09:16for the house wine
09:16at a restaurant.
09:18That's a fact.
09:19You think they get that stuff
09:20out of the good bottle?
09:21Dream on,
09:22my friend.
09:22They don't.
09:23That stuff comes
09:23straight out of a bag.
09:25How handy are those bags
09:26at the end?
09:27You can float on them
09:27down a river,
09:28you use them as a pillow,
09:29the kids are playing with them,
09:30you're basically a good parent
09:32if you had that.
09:33Yeah.
09:39This is actually
09:40one of my personal favourites.
09:42What fresh hell is that?
09:44Oh,
09:44somebody knows their box wine.
09:46Oh, well.
09:47Now,
09:47this one you can actually
09:48drink immediately,
09:49but we do recommend
09:50that you cellar it
09:51for 10 to 12 minutes.
09:52Any longer
09:53and it's going to burn a hole
09:54right through your stomach.
09:55That is acrid.
09:56It's stinging my eyes.
09:58Also,
09:58I'd like you to try a new one.
09:59It's going to take you
10:00on a bit of a journey.
10:01So,
10:01pay attention to the notes
10:03in it
10:03and tell me
10:04what you taste.
10:07Beautiful colour.
10:09Right.
10:12That tastes
10:13like my mouth
10:14stubbed its toe.
10:15I can already taste
10:16what it would be like
10:17to throw this up
10:17in the back of an Uber.
10:18Oh, yeah.
10:19It's quite acidic.
10:20Almost ear-in-like.
10:22Yeah,
10:22it's the piss.
10:23Real piss?
10:24Yeah.
10:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:25That is directly
10:26from our Felix
10:27filtration system.
10:29Go, buddy!
10:30There's a strong stream.
10:31Yeah, it rigs.
10:32He's got three kidneys.
10:33Oh, amazing.
10:34He's a gift.
10:35Wow.
10:35Yeah.
10:36It gives a depth
10:36of flavour to the wine
10:37that you're just not
10:38going to find
10:38in any other box wine.
10:41I actually wouldn't mind
10:42trying some of these
10:42others if I could.
10:44Mucky Pond Scum,
10:46Deodorant,
10:46Anal Lecage?
10:47No, Anal Lecage.
10:48It's English.
10:49Yeah, yeah.
10:49Anal Lecage.
10:50Anal Lecage.
10:51Anal Lecage.
10:51Okay.
10:52Yeah, how do I pronounce
10:53this last one?
10:53Spew.
10:54Spew.
10:55Spew.
10:55Spew.
10:56Yeah.
10:56Spew.
10:57Yeah, yeah.
10:57I'd like to taste
10:58the spew.
10:59Of course.
10:59It's actually part
11:00of our tasting flight.
11:03Wow.
11:05Fancy.
11:06If it lands on you,
11:07you must drink
11:09every last drop.
11:10The last drop.
11:11You ready?
11:12Yes, okay.
11:13Let's do it.
11:13Good luck.
11:14Woo!
11:15Yeah!
11:17Woo!
11:19Woo!
11:19Woo!
11:24Here's to Sally,
11:25she's too blue.
11:26She's a piss spot
11:27through and through.
11:28She's a bastard,
11:30so they say.
11:31She's not going to have
11:32a bunch of weight
11:32the other one.
11:33Down, down, down, down,
11:35down, down, down, down,
11:38down, down, down, down,
11:39down, down, down, down.
11:40Yay!
11:42You know what?
11:43It's nutty.
11:43My ballsacky.
11:45I really wouldn't know.
11:49All right.
11:50Off you go, Jack.
11:51Go find someone
11:51to play with.
11:52Oh, cool.
11:52There's Oscar.
11:54Yeah, yeah.
11:55He's definitely there.
11:56But also, there's Axel.
11:58Don't play with Axel.
12:00I think I'll go
12:01play with Oscar.
12:03You and I have to
12:04have a little chat,
12:05okay, buddy?
12:06Whoever you choose
12:07to be friends with,
12:08I have to be friends
12:08with their mums
12:09and I cannot do that.
12:11Okay?
12:11So go play with Axel.
12:12What's wrong with Oscar?
12:14Oscar's class captain.
12:15So you know
12:16his mum runs
12:16half marathons.
12:17She's going to want
12:18to chat to me
12:18about intermittent fasting
12:19and there's about
12:204,000 recipes
12:21for chia pudding.
12:22I cannot do
12:22another chia pudding,
12:23okay?
12:24I'll have a blowout.
12:25But look at Axel's mum.
12:26She's a baby.
12:27I like her.
12:28Do you see how she doesn't
12:28have orthopedic sneakers on?
12:30It's because she's cool.
12:31And cool parents
12:32have cool kids.
12:33So please,
12:33go play with Axel.
12:34But isn't Axel a bad kid?
12:36What do you mean?
12:38Look at him.
12:39He's eradicating ants.
12:40You hate ants.
12:40The insects and the movie.
12:42But Oscar looks like
12:43he's having fun too.
12:44Oscar's picking up
12:45other people's trash,
12:46okay?
12:46So you know
12:47his mum has a cute cup
12:48and some hot opinions
12:50about vegetarianism.
12:51I'm not getting involved
12:52in that.
12:56I thought you said
12:56bullying was wrong.
12:58What bullying?
12:58He's teaching younger kids
13:00to be resilient, baby.
13:01They need that.
13:03I don't know, mum.
13:04Oscar's really smart.
13:06As is Axel.
13:09Look at him.
13:10He's selling...
13:10He's selling sherbet
13:12to kids.
13:13What a good kid.
13:14He's a little entrepreneur.
13:15I don't think
13:16that's sherbet, mum.
13:17Please.
13:18Think of me
13:18just for once, okay?
13:19And go and play
13:20with the evil kid.
13:21Okay, fine.
13:29Hi.
13:30Hello.
13:31Hi, yeah, good.
13:31Yep.
13:32Kids, eh?
13:33Just get up
13:33for the darndest things.
13:35Oh, I know.
13:35I would kill
13:36for a kid like Axel.
13:38Wait, you're not
13:39Axel's mum.
13:39Oh, I wish.
13:41Get this.
13:41I tried to get Oscar
13:42to sell pingas
13:43in the playground
13:43the other day
13:44and he said,
13:45no, I'd rather do origami.
13:46I'm so embarrassed.
13:47Wait, so who's Axel's mum?
13:49Oh, Q.
13:50Do not want to know.
13:52Yoo-hoo!
13:53That's not her...
13:54Hi, hi, hi.
13:55Hi, hi, hi, hi.
13:56Hi, hi.
13:56Hi, hi, hi, hi.
13:56Hi, hi, hi.
13:57Axel's made a friend.
13:58Hit it!
13:59Hit it!
14:00Hit it!
14:00Harder!
14:01Looks like we're
14:02going to be besties.
14:05Have you heard
14:06of intermittent fasting?
14:07Honestly, I just broke
14:07my fast with this
14:08amazing turmeric chai
14:10chia pudding.
14:11Hey, that is too big
14:12for anything.
14:14That and that.
14:15Jack, let's go!
14:16Your kid is a bad
14:17influence on my child
14:18and she'd be in prison.
14:19So should you.
14:21You're going to have
14:22a blowout, by the way.
14:23Can you please
14:24give this to Axel?
14:26I tell him I'm good
14:27for the next one.
14:29Axel, darling,
14:29I said no dealing
14:30in the playground.
14:31You're not listening
14:31to mummy.
14:33Listen, can I just say,
14:34you know, we live
14:35in this world now
14:36where it is what it is.
14:37Like, we're burning
14:38it to the ground
14:39but at least we're
14:40more aware of each other
14:41and we know
14:42that everyone
14:42is beautiful.
14:48That's not true,
14:48is it?
14:50Oh, you know,
14:51when people go,
14:51everyone's opinions count,
14:52everyone has valid,
14:53valid opinions
14:54and everyone is beautiful.
14:55I go, no, they're not.
14:57I have seen some dogs
14:59in my time.
15:00I know, and I know
15:02right now you're going,
15:03this is,
15:04am I allowed to,
15:05I want you to quickly
15:07transport yourself
15:08out of your own
15:09Facebook community page
15:10and what you would say
15:11online
15:12to put you
15:13and your friend
15:14in a mall.
15:15Let's create a scenario,
15:16shall we?
15:18Let's for instance say,
15:19we're all in the mall,
15:20okay?
15:21We're out of this theater,
15:22we're in the mall,
15:23me, with this body
15:24right now
15:25in a black mini skirt,
15:27a leather one,
15:28okay?
15:29You're there
15:30with your best friend.
15:31You two see me walking.
15:35Yeah,
15:36that's what you're doing
15:37right now.
15:38You know,
15:39you fucking know.
15:44You don't think
15:45you've got a mean bone
15:46in your body,
15:47all right?
15:47Let's amp it up
15:48a little bit,
15:49shall we?
15:49We're in the mall,
15:50I'm in my black mini skirt
15:52and we're all going
15:53up the escalator,
15:54okay?
15:55Now you're with me,
15:57I'm a few steps
15:57ahead of you,
15:58then your friend,
15:59you want to tell
16:00your friend something
16:01so you look
16:01right up my clacker.
16:03Now you've got pink eye.
16:04Is it still beautiful?
16:06Is it still beautiful?
16:09If you honestly believe
16:11that every person
16:13is beautiful,
16:14you've never been
16:15on public transport.
16:17You have not
16:18because that is
16:18an assault on your eyeballs
16:20and quite frankly
16:20all of your senses,
16:22okay?
16:22I'm not saying
16:23we're not all beautiful,
16:24like you may find
16:26something sexy,
16:27right?
16:27What's sexy to you
16:28is not necessarily
16:29sexy to me.
16:30All I'm saying is
16:31like not all beautiful
16:32things are sexy
16:33or not all sexy
16:34things are beautiful.
16:34We're not here
16:35to yuck your yum,
16:36whatever you're into.
16:37That's called
16:37having a kink,
16:40okay?
16:40If you think
16:41everyone's beautiful,
16:42congratulations,
16:42you've got a kink,
16:44maybe.
16:44Maybe you think
16:45all accents are beautiful,
16:46right?
16:47Maybe like,
16:47you know,
16:48the South African accent
16:49is very sexy.
16:50It has a very
16:51attractive accent.
16:52It just makes
16:53your panties
16:53drop right off you.
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17:21across the pond.
17:22And for $5.99 a minute,
17:24you could be
17:26my Big Ben.
17:27And for the more
17:28budget-conscious
17:29gentlemen,
17:29we also have
17:30this very,
17:31very cheap
17:32South African lady.
17:34Yo,
17:34now I'm currently
17:35naked right now.
17:36Yo,
17:37full bush hair,
17:38nipples on high beam.
17:39I'm absolutely
17:40stinging for a fuck.
17:41Are you horny?
17:43Oh, no,
17:44I said,
17:44are you horny?
17:45Yeah,
17:46like a rhino.
17:47Yeah.
17:48Me too.
17:49I'm Tiffany.
17:51Call me now
17:51for $7.99 a minute.
17:53I'm looking for
17:55a stallion
17:55all night long.
17:58And for an extra dollar,
17:59you can have
18:00both of us
18:01in a freeway
18:02and we'll be
18:02bopping your willy
18:03around like
18:04two cheetahs
18:05on a half-dead
18:06springbok
18:06out in the desert.
18:08Pick up the phone
18:09and call
18:101-900-PASSIONS
18:11to talk to
18:12beautiful women
18:13from all around
18:14the world.
18:14Or this bitch.
18:16Oh, man,
18:17I'm riding you
18:18so hard right now
18:18and you're
18:19charging at me
18:20like a hippo
18:21and it is
18:21wet season
18:22in a savannah.
18:23No, you're hard
18:24like a cricket
18:24wicked man.
18:25You're long
18:26and skinny
18:26with a bit of grass
18:27coming through
18:28the sides.
18:29Don't you finish.
18:30Oh, shame, man.
18:31Okay, bye.
18:32Don't wait.
18:34Call 1-900-PASSIONS
18:35right now
18:36and all your
18:37fantasies
18:37will come true.
18:38But don't call me
18:40for the next
18:4045 minutes.
18:41I'm on lunch.
18:42This biltong
18:43is real hard
18:43to chew free.
18:44So,
18:45who do you
18:46want to talk to?
18:48Hey,
18:49do you know
18:50the world's
18:50sexiest accents?
18:51They rank them
18:52every year.
18:52Did you know that?
18:53Do you want to
18:54guess the sexiest
18:56accent in the world
18:57right now?
18:58That's right.
18:59Kiwi accent.
19:00Doesn't that just
19:00fucking blow up
19:01your ass?
19:02A Kiwi accent
19:03is number one.
19:04Do you want to
19:04guess what's
19:05number two?
19:07South African.
19:08That's right.
19:09Australia comes
19:10in at number five.
19:12So,
19:12I've got a hybrid
19:13of all three
19:14of those.
19:15Honestly,
19:15I'm amazed.
19:17While I'm talking,
19:18if you just listen,
19:19you can hear the
19:19knickers just drop
19:20around the room.
19:22She's a full-time
19:23job.
19:23Just go and pull
19:24that up,
19:24put that back in.
19:26All right,
19:27thank you so much
19:27for coming.
19:28You guys have been
19:28amazing.
19:30Cheers to us.
19:32Moving in together.
19:32What a huge step
19:33in our relationship.
19:34Go us.
19:36Cheers.
19:38We should go
19:38camping this weekend.
19:41Camping?
19:42I'd rather
19:42headbutt a nail.
19:43You expect me
19:44to shit in a bucket.
19:45Camping isn't for me.
19:46It's for straight men
19:47who secretly
19:48want to broke
19:48back mountain
19:49each other.
19:50I just,
19:50I can't sleep
19:51uncomfortably.
19:52Sorry.
19:53I have an air mattress.
19:54Don't say it.
19:55Just don't say it.
19:57Please don't say it.
19:58Don't say it.
19:59And you know,
20:00the air mattress
20:01is actually more
20:02comfortable
20:02than your bed.
20:04You have to move out.
20:05Give me that.
20:06Take your shit
20:07and go.
20:09Should have fucked
20:09your sister
20:10when I had the opportunity.
20:16Oh, hello.
20:18Oh, it's good to see you.
20:22Stop it.
20:24If you want.
20:25Hi, make some noise.
20:26Who's got kids?
20:28Listen, now you know.
20:29You know when you're
20:30packing the kids,
20:31those kids will make friends
20:32and you know how it works.
20:34When those kids make friends,
20:35you the parents
20:35must then be friends
20:36with those kids' parents.
20:38That's how it works.
20:39You don't choose
20:39your own friends.
20:40Your kids now do it for you.
20:42That's how mum groups start.
20:43It's called
20:43the seventh circle of hell.
20:45Okay?
20:46And especially
20:47if your kids are like my kids,
20:48my kids have terrible
20:49taste in friends.
20:50They never pick the kids
20:52who has a hot tub
20:52or a pool at home.
20:53No.
20:54They become friends
20:55with the kids
20:56whose mum shows up
20:57at school
20:57in the little bike shorts
20:59with a pyjama shirt
21:00that still says
21:01Big Spoon on it
21:03with no bra
21:04smoking at the school gate
21:06where it says
21:06do not smoke
21:08and then she's like
21:09do you want a dart?
21:11No, I'm all right.
21:12And then when the kids
21:13start coming out
21:14she's like
21:14Stacey,
21:15get in the fucking car!
21:18Honestly,
21:19the worst thing,
21:19like if you're sitting here
21:20maybe you go
21:21should we have kids?
21:22I want you to think about that.
21:23The friends that they'll make
21:24and all the other mums
21:26at school
21:26because at the minute
21:27you look at your partner
21:28you go
21:28we will have the cutest
21:29little babies
21:30but you're not thinking
21:31about all those other mums
21:32that you have to talk to
21:33at school
21:34and that'll take
21:35all of your patience
21:36and that's why mums
21:37always yell at their kids
21:38because they're saving
21:39the patience
21:39for the other mums.
21:41There's this one mum
21:42at my kids school
21:42she's this little
21:43bird-like creature
21:44and she always wears
21:45a t-shirt
21:46and on it it says
21:47protect your kids
21:47from the gay agenda.
21:49I know
21:50and I'm so confused
21:51with this shit
21:52like I don't even understand
21:53what is the gay agenda
21:55that you're scared
21:55we're spreading
21:56like we're not the ones
21:57going door to door.
22:01You will never
22:02in your life
22:03hear a knock on your door
22:04and open the door
22:05and there's a whole clitoria
22:07of lesbians
22:07in front of your door.
22:11Have you heard
22:12the great news?
22:13You can eat pussy
22:14for six hours a night.
22:16We don't need
22:17to do that
22:18our work speaks
22:18for itself
22:19it's called
22:19word of mouth.
22:26Straight to day.
22:34Hello Janine.
22:36Afternoon.
22:37See you tomorrow.
22:44Have a great day darling.
22:46Love you.
22:46Bye bye.
22:47Mummy loves you.
22:47Have a good day buddy.
22:52Hello Janine.
22:53Hello Ursula.
22:55What a nice day
22:55we're having.
22:58We're too hot actually.
23:00Come on.
23:03I might go home.
23:04Enjoy the rest
23:05of this sunny day.
23:21Hello Ursula.
23:27Hello Janine.
23:35Plans for the weekend?
23:40Kids soccer game.
23:42You?
23:45Lunch with the in-laws.
24:19Hi, ladies.
24:21Everything all right?
24:22Yes.
24:34Hi, ladies.
24:45That is so rude.
24:50At the end, I needed five skidges.
24:53You are crazy, Lucy.
24:55You mean crazy?
24:56I don't think so.
24:57You should ask her what she does with the yogurt.
24:59Tell her.
24:59Bring it.
24:59Don't get me into this thing.
25:01All right, so when we're the yogurt, I peel the lid off and I always like the yogurt because,
25:05you know, it's my yogurt.
25:06You're such a weirdo.
25:07Okay, guys, if we're sharing our weird thing, I actually collect stuffed teddy bears.
25:12Okay, that's crazy.
25:13You're nuts.
25:14You're nuts.
25:14I speak to our cat like she's our daughter.
25:17All right, cuckoo, Magoo.
25:20I shit in the shower.
25:22What?
25:24What did you say?
25:26I sometimes eat cereal for dinner.
25:29Yeah.
25:30Yeah, and sometimes I have pasta for breakfast.
25:32Oh, that is wild.
25:34I occasionally talk to my food.
25:36I was like, get in me, get in me.
25:38She does do that.
25:39It's so cute.
25:40Yeah.
25:41I poo in the shower.
25:44Yeah, no, I definitely heard that one.
25:46Yeah, yeah, I heard that.
25:48Look, we're all saying the crazy stuff we do.
25:51I mean, Lucy, she sings songs about her house chores.
25:56I do do that.
25:57I do.
25:57Don't I?
25:58Yeah, and, you know, I make up little dances in the lounge.
26:01That's it.
26:02And I go in the shower and waffle stomp it down the drain.
26:05Waffle what now?
26:06Waffle stomp.
26:07If it's a hard one, I just stomp it through.
26:09Dude!
26:10That's not the same as our stuff.
26:12Ours are, like, weird and fun.
26:13Yeah, like I used to have a nipple ring.
26:15And I put strawberries up my bum.
26:17Oh, my God.
26:18Why?
26:18Because it makes the shower smell good while I'm waffle stomping.
26:22That is disgusting.
26:23It's the same.
26:24It is not the same thing.
26:26Look, I'm a kook just like you guys.
26:28I'm a classic kook.
26:30Hey, I'm a kook.
26:31No, no, no.
26:32We are classic kooks.
26:34You're cooked, mate.
26:35How did you not get bullied for this in high school?
26:37I was homeschooled, so I...
26:38Oh, OK, that actually checks out.
26:41It's a homeschooled thing.
26:42Did you know I was homeschooled as well?
26:43Really?
26:44So you...
26:45Waffle stomped?
26:46Yeah.
26:46No way.
26:47We wouldn't have done that.
26:47That is disgusting.
26:49We called it bubble and squeak.
26:52That's cute.
26:53That's cute.
26:53That's nice.
26:54How come it's cute when she says it?
26:56Shut up, you weirdo.
26:59Also, we are not playing hide and seek after this.
27:01I don't know what you're going to hide where.
27:03Give me that straw.
27:05You know when you go visit your parents, right, and your mum's just cooking, and you're sitting
27:09with your dad, and, you know, he's asking you to help with a computer, and then you're
27:12like, yeah, all right, and then your mum pops her head out, and she goes, hey, can you
27:16have a look at why the computer keeps...
27:18There's no history.
27:19Every time when I try to go back to my history, and you just look at your dad, and you
27:23go,
27:23you filthy bastard.
27:26But you're also proud that he knows how to wipe the history, so you don't have to do
27:30it.
27:36Good morning.
27:38Welcome to Computer Literacy for Seniors.
27:40I see you all have your laptops and iPad and whatever that is.
27:45So, you're going to have a little crash course, four weeks, and after that four weeks, you're
27:49going to be able to email your grandchildren, message your friends.
27:52Can I get a hell yeah?
27:55Okay, how about we just open our computers?
27:58Oh, question.
27:59Graham, what is it?
28:00How do you delete Google history?
28:02I mean, that's a great question.
28:03We're going to tackle that in week three when we do online literacy, but for today, we're
28:08going to focus on Microsoft Windows, so...
28:10Oh, yeah.
28:11I'd like to know how to delete Yahoo history.
28:16And once we've done that, how do we delete Firefox Mozilla?
28:20All of that is basically the same thing.
28:22It is cookie history the same as computer history.
28:25And what's this about incognito mode I keep hearing about?
28:29Okay.
28:30Just so I know, who's only here to find out how to delete the porn off their computers?
28:38Wow.
28:39So you guys only use your computers for porn?
28:41No.
28:43I'm also a sugar daddy.
28:45Oh, me too.
28:47I use only fans.
28:49Well, I'm only gross now.
28:51That is, that is a lot.
28:53I mean, I was going to teach you how to email your grandkids and message your wives.
28:57But because of you perverts, and you have to go through this trauma, I will show you
29:00one time, and one time only, how to delete your search history.
29:04This is grim.
29:05Okay.
29:05Open your searches.
29:07Click on that so we can see what you've...
29:09Whoa.
29:10Okay.
29:10Yeah.
29:11I mean, that's, that's bad.
29:13Big boobs, bigger boobs, more boobs, please.
29:16That sounds nice.
29:18Well, please use these manners.
29:20Savaged maiden, the biggest bottom ever.
29:23You got it.
29:24All right, simmer down over there, Lenovo.
29:27I'm sure you've got way worse on your computer.
29:29Ah, your computer sucks.
29:31Hey, chill.
29:33You've got a TCL.
29:34That stands for the crappy lappy.
29:35Zip it.
29:36All right, let me show you how to delete it.
29:38See there, just under see all, and then it says delete all.
29:41Delete it.
29:42There you go.
29:43It's gone.
29:44It's like it never happened.
29:45Let's cover actual computer stuff, shall we?
29:47Okay, so word processors work.
29:51Who's printing?
29:52Is that you?
29:56This is gross misuse of a printer.
29:59This is disgusting.
30:00You're going to want to eliminate that before you use it.
30:04That is too much.
30:05I quit.
30:06I'm going to go, unless any of you have actual questions about computers.
30:11Yes.
30:12Who directed two girls in a cup?
30:14I'm going to leave.
30:15I cannot cope.
30:16Is this a buck plug?
30:21Some of the stuff I've bought online, I'm proud of.
30:23Like, I bought one of those little car vacuums that can blow and suck like your sister.
30:27And that thing's amazing.
30:30Can definitely recommend.
30:32But this stuff, you know, three o'clock in the morning, that when you buy it, they promise
30:38they won't put any details on your credit card statement and it'll show up in a blank box
30:43at your house.
30:44Like, I just recently bought a flashlight.
30:50Some of you don't know what that is because you're a pure heart.
30:54And I'm not going to explain it to you because this is on ABC.
30:58You're going to have to do the adult thing and go Google it.
31:01All I'm saying is I use it all the time, you know.
31:04Because, you know, after adult time, you have the toys and you need like a little holster,
31:10if you will, or a little sheath so that when you're done, where can you put it that it
31:15fits perfect?
31:17But a flashlight, you know, it fits so perfect.
31:20Even Jesus goes, that's what I meant for it to look like.
31:25When you pass away, it is your responsibility to get a friend that can go in and go clear
31:31out all your crap out of your house.
31:33You don't need your family to find that stuff.
31:36When your mum has to go in and go clean that stuff off, that's going to shave a lot of
31:40her
31:40sadness off.
31:43When she has to find all of the filth that you have in your room.
31:47A big part of me, though, hoped that I die before my sister so that she, in her Christian
31:52heart, can find the stuff and at least die one day with a smile on her face.
32:04I'm afraid she's gone.
32:13Team, it's go time.
32:14Client 114 just passed away.
32:15She's one of our longest, most premium clients.
32:17I personally signed her up and she was a good woman with a few quits.
32:21T minus 12 minutes until her family get home.
32:22We need to clear out all the embarrassing shit before her family finds it.
32:27It's too tight, boss.
32:28We'll never make it.
32:29Get this done for her and for me.
32:31Whether it isn't people remember their loved ones as good people, we have to make it.
32:34Let's go!
32:38Go down!
32:40Go down!
32:40Go down!
32:41Go down!
32:50Dispose!
32:51Dispose!
32:51Dispose!
32:54The final package is secured.
32:55Let's move out.
32:56Nodier, I've just encrypted a fresh manifest with more items she didn't want anyone to know
33:00about.
33:01How many?
33:01There's a lot.
33:03She was a sick bitch.
33:07Yuck!
33:14Oh, that's disgusting!
33:16What is it?
33:17Poetry!
33:18Self-written!
33:20Burn it immediately!
33:21What a freak!
33:22They're nearly here!
33:23T minus two minutes!
33:26Smooth!
33:40She's getting sicker and sicker by the minute.
33:42Time is running out!
33:43Let's go!
33:44Let's go!
33:46Have you cleared this road?
33:48I think so!
33:49Check behind that door!
33:50Out the door, you dipshit!
33:56Oh, Gimp!
33:57How'd I miss that?
33:58All good, you're new!
34:00Get out of here, Gimp!
34:02God, it makes me miss my day.
34:04They're here!
34:05They're here!
34:06Move out, team!
34:11I think we got it all, boss!
34:12What about the sex robot?
34:13The manifest says there's a sex robot!
34:15There is no sex robot.
34:16We've got everything.
34:19Except...
34:19Oh, my God!
34:20She was at the Wuhan wet market in 2019.
34:23She started COVID.
34:25Go, team!
34:26Move, move, move!
34:35That was tight, but we pulled it off.
34:37Excellent work, team.
34:46I have to tell you this little nugget.
34:49The last time I went to the doctor for a smear, they gave me a thing, and I was like,
34:53okay.
34:53And they go, you can go in cubicle three.
34:55I go, are you coming?
34:58Now I feel like I'm courting the nurse.
35:00I'm like, do you want to come?
35:01And they go, no, it's a self-test.
35:03You get a self-test now.
35:04I'm like, listen, listen.
35:07I'm not ready for that.
35:09You have seen me at the self-checkout in the supermarket.
35:12It's such a stressful thing when they was going, use the self-checkout.
35:16Do I have to?
35:17Because I'm not smart for that kind of shit.
35:19You go, and then it goes, wait for assistance.
35:21I'm like, why?
35:22What did I do?
35:24I'm so scared because you know that teenager, and they're always so angry.
35:28They come over and they go, you're not doing it right.
35:30And I go, listen, I'm sorry.
35:32I wasn't here when we got training.
35:36Now one day I'm so tired.
35:37I work this fucking job too.
35:41So I don't think I should be trusted with a self-check for a smear.
35:45You know, now I'm just in there.
35:46I'm not sure what to do.
35:48And they go.
35:53Honestly, when they gave me that test, I said, doctor, have you ever seen me in the supermarket?
35:57I don't do self-serve.
36:00And it's not our fault.
36:02Women are bad at direction.
36:03It's not our fault.
36:04Do you know what?
36:05They've done studies, and when I say they, I mean me, that a woman will spend, on average,
36:10about 12 years of her adult life, in a bathroom, looking at a panty liner, going, which way
36:15is the front?
36:17Honestly, you'd think they can sort it out.
36:19They can make dudes' dicks harder than algebra, but they can't fix our panty liners.
36:28We did it, boys.
36:29Woo!
36:31And it's got everything a woman could want.
36:33Little gutter lines for extra absorbency.
36:35Oh, my bro's got to slow that flow for the hose.
36:37It's got extra strong glue, so it's going to stick to them sweet little panties all day long.
36:44And most importantly, a look on the back.
36:45Sick animal trivia.
36:48Straight up facts, baby!
36:51Yeah!
36:52Which side's the front?
36:54The front?
36:55What?
36:56Which side is the front?
36:57I can't tell which side's the front.
36:59Yeah, it can look like the poop.
37:01Did you see the facts on the back?
37:03Yeah, no one wants that.
37:04Come on.
37:05All right.
37:06Yeah, okay.
37:07Yeah.
37:07There you go.
37:08S.
37:11Furn.
37:12Yeah, but F.
37:13For front or for fanny?
37:15Because depending on which country you're in, that could be front bump or back bump.
37:18Doesn't matter.
37:19Doesn't matter.
37:19It'll fit either way.
37:21Oh, okay.
37:22No, you three seem to know your way around a pussy.
37:25Let me give it a hoon.
37:26Let me try it.
37:27No, no.
37:28Hey!
37:28Don't you turn your back on me.
37:30You look at it.
37:31Look at it!
37:35Oh, yeah.
37:36Oh, yeah.
37:38The glue's too strong, it just ripped the gusset right out of it.
37:40That's got to be on you to a certain degree.
37:43It's just...
37:44Oh, yeah.
37:45That's already ripped off about 50 pubes there.
37:50Oh, that is not comfortable.
37:53It's just got my labia.
37:54It's pulling at the labia.
37:55It's not supposed to do that.
37:58Oh, she's out.
37:59She's out.
38:00Terrible!
38:01Can you say something good?
38:02Like, we worked on this really hard.
38:04I wish I could, but I just have nothing, because you're dumb as shit.
38:06Dumb as shit?
38:08If we're so dumb, how could we be revolutionising the women's razor?
38:13Check this out.
38:13Less blades, pretty blunt, but a soft pink handle.
38:18Yeah, because women don't have hair, so we made the blades unsharp.
38:23Unsharp.
38:24Don't speak again.
38:25Okay, well, what about lady pants?
38:28Check out the lady pants!
38:30What about them?
38:31Well, they're exactly like men's pants, but they don't have pockets.
38:33Yeah, but we want pockets.
38:35Well, easily fixed.
38:36We'll just sew some patches on.
38:37Yeah.
38:38Make it look like it's got pockets.
38:39Yes!
38:40This is bullshit.
38:41Do you morons actually believe that if you keep making the shit that doesn't work,
38:44but you package it all nicely in pink with soft little handles,
38:47that women will keep buying it, even though it doesn't work?
38:51Now she gets it.
38:51Yeah, that's, like, it.
38:55Good point, and we do like the trivia.
38:58Damn it.
39:00You knew it, man!
39:01This is what loves trivia.
39:03That's gonna leave a mark.
39:05So what's next, fellas?
39:06Let's try and make childbirth quieter.
39:11This is why we brainstormed.
39:13Is it made to circumcise a woman?
39:15Because I think it just did.
39:18Well, well, well, I think what we've learned tonight is female products aren't that great,
39:23but on the positive side, my ass looks amazing in overalls.
39:27I mean, Jesus Christ.
39:29Look at that.
39:30Why don't you have a hoon at that while I walk off stage with my brand new panty liner in.
39:41Hey!
39:43What the hell?
39:46I'm gonna punch your tits in.
39:48What?
39:49I'm gonna punch your tits in.
39:52Punch my tits in?
39:54That's not a good threat at all.
39:55What does that mean?
39:57Punch them in where?
39:58There's already a lot in.
39:59Like, this whole bit is in.
40:01Maybe she means she'll punch them in even further?
40:04So they're poking through my back?
40:06Is that it?
40:08That threat makes no sense.
40:09Are you not listening?
40:10I'm gonna punch your tits in.
40:11I need a threat that makes sense.
40:12Like, I'm gonna smack you so hard you'll wear your snot like a scarf.
40:16That's good.
40:17Right?
40:18Snot like a scarf?
40:18You're picturing it!
40:19I'm sorry.
40:20I get it.
40:20Oh, thank you.
40:21I'm really sorry about that.
40:22Pick your shit up.
40:23I'm sorry.
40:23Thanks, mate.
40:24You have a good one.
40:26You know, I don't know a lot of stuff, but I know I don't like exercise,
40:29and then I've baked my last cupcake for school.
40:31Like, I would still recreationally bake a cupcake,
40:33but schools and fundraisers, by March this year,
40:37so the school starts in February.
40:38By March, we already had three bake sales at our school.
40:40I went to the principal.
40:41I said, sorry, what shit is this?
40:43What are we fundraising for?
40:45Why do we keep doing bake sales?
40:46And she goes, oh, we need a shade net for the playground.
40:49I said, and how much money are you hoping to make?
40:51She goes, $300.
40:52I go, I'll give the money right now.
40:54I said, I can go buy the shade net.
40:57I'll come back with a ladder.
40:58I've got to try.
40:59I'll just put it up.
41:00And she goes, no, we must work together.
41:04And it's not even the fundraising that I'm against.
41:07It's when you find out about those cupcakes.
41:10Now, I'll give my kids credit.
41:12Like, normally the night before, at about 11 o'clock,
41:15when I've been trying to put that little shithead in bed,
41:17so many times I put them there, and they come,
41:19I'm thirsty.
41:20I'm hungry.
41:21I have made a lasagna at this stage.
41:23And this kid keeps getting out of bed,
41:25and by 11 o'clock comes out with a piece of paper
41:27that's all tatty, and it's wet.
41:30It's always wet.
41:31Anything that comes out of their school bag is wet.
41:33This is the instructions for the cupcakes.
41:35Oh, you need 300 cupcakes by morning.
41:37This is fantastic.
41:38I don't even mind making the 300 cupcakes,
41:40but how do you transport 300 cupcakes?
41:42Because you can't stack them, can you?
41:44No.
41:44Now, I'm looking for a Tupperware that's 12 metres wide,
41:468 metres wide,
41:48and a car to transport that kind of shit.
41:51You flip that pamphlet over,
41:52and on the back,
41:53there's roughly 20 things
41:54that you're not allowed to put in the cupcakes.
41:56That's right,
41:57because these little shits are allergic to everything now.
42:00There are kids who are allergic to chocolate.
42:02Give up.
42:04That's it.
42:04Give up.
42:05There's no hope for you.
42:06And it's not these kids' fault
42:08that they have all these allergies.
42:09It's our fault.
42:10Do you remember when you were a kid,
42:11who had kids that went to school with them with allergies?
42:14Exactly.
42:15Do you know why?
42:16Because our parents knew how to fuck.
42:21They made decent human beings.
42:23It's our fault.
42:24We're making substandard people.
42:27None of these kids can eat nuts,
42:29because we've been eating so much crap.
42:31When we were kids,
42:32your fingers were always orange.
42:33Do you remember the chips we used to eat,
42:34and then for three days,
42:35you just have orange hands?
42:37And now we all have fertility issues,
42:39so now we all have to go through IVF.
42:41That's why these kids are allergic to nuts,
42:42because they've never been near a pair.
42:50Nut-free, gluten-free, sugar-free.
42:52Yuck.
42:53This isn't sweet at all.
42:54I think you'll find it is sweet.
42:56Sweet potato, that is.
42:58Okay.
42:59Sorry, do you have anything with real sugar in it?
43:02No.
43:03Sugar is poison.
43:04No nuts, no gluten, no sugar.
43:07No taste.
43:10You want the real sugar treats?
43:11Come on, cooks when cooking.
43:18Welcome to the tuck shop.
43:21Oh, nice set-up.
43:27I've been blackmailing the janitor
43:29with photos of him and the home ec teacher,
43:30so I got keys to the kingdom.
43:32Thank you, my friend.
43:33Hey, ladies, are we still running a full purity?
43:3695% sucrose, boss.
43:37Love to hear it.
43:38Love to hear it.
43:39Good start.
43:40It's tight, mate.
43:41You know, in here,
43:41this is where we make the canteen food.
43:43Out there, they've got carrot sticks
43:45and quidmore slices.
43:46Up in here, you see,
43:47we've got the sours here.
43:48We've got some marshmallows,
43:49full sugar popcorn.
43:50The snakes, jelly beans,
43:52rainbow strips,
43:52because we're pro-homosexual.
43:54We have caramel vanilla.
43:56Every flavour you can think of,
43:57we've got it in there.
43:58This is incredible.
44:01Hey, rookie,
44:02you want to go ahead and pace yourself here.
44:04This stuff is pure.
44:05That thing's going to hit you,
44:06and before you know it,
44:07you're going to be bouncing off the walls
44:08like you're at your year nine camp,
44:10getting finger banged for the first time.
44:12Hey, that happened in year eight.
44:13Hold on.
44:13Yeah.
44:14What are these?
44:19Do you inject these?
44:20No.
44:23Play a little tune on them.
44:34I'm like the Pied Piper
44:35for sugar addicts.
44:36How'd you get those in?
44:37Actually, Lynne here
44:38brought 14 of these boxes over for us
44:40in her anal cavity.
44:41That tastes about gaming
44:42till you lick them a few times
44:43and they're all good.
44:44Oh, yeah, on the nose.
44:45Yeah, I can see a seed on that one, Lynne.
44:46She's a trooper.
44:47I do actually want to talk to you
44:49about something,
44:49because I can see a lot of myself in you,
44:51and I need someone
44:52to run the operation over at Boy Scout Hall.
44:54And I think that can be you.
44:56Tell me you can do it.
44:58Yeah.
44:59Yeah?
44:59You're keen?
45:00Yes!
45:00Yes!
45:01Yes!
45:04This is a raid.
45:05Nobody move.
45:06You sacked me up.
45:07I didn't.
45:08You did.
45:09You sacked me up.
45:10I did not.
45:14Lynne.
45:15What have you done?
45:17Oh, my name's not Lynne.
45:19It's Glenn.
45:21How could I have been so blind?
45:23Ninety-five percent sucrose, huh?
45:25Mind if I dip the tip?
45:27I wouldn't.
45:29Oh, is that chemicals?
45:31Yeah, it's real drugs.
45:32It was a mix-up at the port.
45:34That was disgusting.
45:35Oh, I've got to pick up Abigail from gymnastics.
45:37Get her out of here!
45:38Well, you're cooked, sweetie.
45:40You're on drugs now!
45:41I've got a whole brick in my asshole!
45:45But you shouldn't worry about your nipples.
45:46She's got great nipples.
45:47Oh, really?
45:48Yes.
45:48Play your cards right and you'll see.
45:50I'm being rude.
45:52That was fun.
45:53Yeah, so good.
45:54Yeah.
45:54More fun to see.
45:55You're behind the light.
45:56Can't believe I'm going out with two women.
45:58It's always been a fantasy.
45:59We've always wanted a man around here.
46:01Question.
46:02If you two are into women, what do you need me for?
46:05There is a certain thing that a man can do that no woman can.
46:09You ready to work for us, big boy?
46:10Ladies, I'll do anything you want me to do.
46:13Amazing.
46:13Oh, come on.
46:16Open it.
46:17Yeah.
46:17Just open the jar.
46:19Open it.
46:20Oh, yes!
46:22What about this one?
46:23Yes, that one.
46:24It was open, but now I can't get it open again.
46:27Ow!
46:27Jam.
46:28Is this S&M?
46:29It's pickles.
46:31Pickled onion.
46:32I need a rest.
46:34Come on, you're doing a really good job.
46:35Oh, yeah!
46:36I told you.
46:36I knew that would get out.
46:38Orange marmalade.
46:39Open, open!
46:41Fill my nipples, but without touching.
46:42Uh, hello.
46:45Oh, see what?
46:46I'm exhausted.
46:47You're okay.
46:48Oh, ladies, please.
46:50Do we have some more time?
46:52I've had enough.
46:53I'm exhausted.
46:53I need a rest.
46:54This is the last one.
46:56Last one.
46:57Mm-hmm.
46:58Mm-hmm.
46:58This is good.
46:59This is a one.
47:00You've got to do it.
47:00Come on!
47:01I'm going to blow!
47:02Shoot that hot load!
47:03Come on, come on!
47:05Woo!
47:09Oh, yes!
47:10Oh!
47:11Incredible!
47:12Look at you!
47:13Oh, my God, good job.
47:14Oh, look at this!
47:15Oh, my God, was that good for you?
47:16No, it was really good.
47:17It was something.
47:17I loved it.
47:18Wait, pass the Pomodoro.
47:19Yeah, I'll make a rocket salad.
47:20It's good.
47:21Yum.
47:21I can't believe how long that took him.
47:24Oh, look at the little guys all tuck it out.
47:27Oh, so cute.
47:28So cute.
47:28Oh.
47:29No, no, no.
47:30Leave it.
47:31You can take it out when he wakes up.
47:35Look, we're all here.
47:37We believe in science, right?
47:38Even if you're one of those people who do your own research, you're a scientist.
47:41Whatever, fine.
47:42I do believe, though, that science sort of favours men's medicine a little bit stronger.
47:47Wouldn't you say?
47:48Yeah.
47:49And men are too scared to answer.
47:50I respect that.
47:52Make some noise.
47:52If you're a woman who has been to the doctor with mastitis, yeah, mastitis, if you don't
47:58know, is a condition when you're breastfeeding, your tits get so hard, harder than
48:02dating in your 50s.
48:03They are hot.
48:04They are inflamed.
48:05It is so painful.
48:06You just walk around naked around the house like this.
48:09I don't know why your balls are sore, too, but there you go.
48:12You remove all the curtains in the house just in case a breeze comes and touches that tit.
48:16It is so painful.
48:17And do you know what a doctor will tell you?
48:19A medical professional with a certificate on the wall will look you straight in the eye
48:23and go, here, just pop some cabbage leaves on that.
48:28Sorry, what?
48:30You don't have leeches in a fridge here somewhere you can tuck on a tattoo and suck it out?
48:34No.
48:35I firmly believe that if mastitis were to happen to men's balls, like if your balls got hot
48:41and inflamed and enlarged, right?
48:43A man will just walk out into the middle of town square and then we'll have some war cry
48:48like, and all the townsfolk will convene, we'll all stand around this man and the Pope
48:56would come and do some seance on your balls and bam, you're healed.
49:01Meanwhile, all the women are standing around smelling like a cabbage patch.
49:05yeah i see good afternoon mr and mrs heterosexuale how can i help you two cuties today
49:13you go first no you actually haven't been feeling too good i have a cough and lightheadedness and
49:19also chills sounds like you've got that really bad flu that's going around at that moment i'm
49:25going to prescribe some antibiotics for you okay and rest that's the most important part here
49:31no house chores for six months yeah don't you crack now i won't doctor thank you thank you
49:37you're a lifestyle hi um hi sorry um i actually have the same symptoms headaches chills and the works
49:46okay well shall we have a look at how we can cure you what here we go what is that
49:53this is the latest
49:54in women's health research oh you see here you can boil cabbage leaves and put those on your
50:00tartars and that'll make them feel great oh okay all right you can take used coffee grinds and just
50:09slowly shove it up your anal cavity okay maybe not that one how about this one you can shove a
50:14jade
50:14egg right up your how's that going to help oh oh i can see we're going to be fussy today
50:19you're a bit
50:20of a fuss pot maybe i should make you a special brew a what i've heard about this
50:29is that a witch's hat it's a doctor's habit respect fresh pot for the fuss pot
50:35some rat tail feathers i plucked this myself that chicken never saw it coming
50:41oh eyeballs yes old eyeballs have you got anything else maybe your titties are sore you got sore titties
50:49maybe you got some anxiety i've actually been getting anxiety when i go on play it's
50:53have you i have hey i want you to know that's completely normal it is yes i'm gonna give you
50:58the strongest valium that i can it's just so good to be seen
51:04drink no drink no i don't want this queer women's treatment just treat me like a normal patient
51:11okay well from what i can see carry a lot of extra weight yeah you want to lose some of
51:17that
51:18it's going to make you feel lighter also have you tried smiling you know an attitude thing
51:28don't you feel better i feel better
51:36all right husbands eyes front welcome to a lesbian's guide to being a husband
51:42you know how they say you give a man a fish and he eats for a day love fish
51:47teach a man to lesbian and he'll be drowning in wife pussy for the rest of his days
51:57that's weird okay lesson one attention to detail husband number one i'm gonna be your wife
52:04and your dreams and i'm wearing my straight lady cardigan oh i'm feeling it now i think
52:09i just broke a nail i made spazzle again what is wrong with my outfit oh i know uh there's
52:18nothing
52:18wrong you look great honey wrong the tag was sticking out the whole time boys
52:27cannot let your wife walk around the mall with four xl sticking out of a cardigan that is a
52:32divorceable offense lesson two argue like a girl husband number two i am your wife i'm coming to
52:39you with a situation you ready put the toilet seat down how many times do i need to tell you
52:45that
52:45toby i'm sick of your shit now how are you gonna win that argument honey i just realized it's your
52:50period tomorrow and that is why you're upset i'm gonna give you full marks for courage thank you
52:57and double marks for stupidity you play the period card your marriage is over lesson three how to
53:05make your woman scream but not in fear or disgust okay husband number three let's pretend i'm attracted
53:12to you try and seduce me hey you wanna get busy now who wants to tell me what he did
53:25wrong apart
53:25from everything wrong oh i know he undone his shirt buttons he did when he should have undone his
53:33pants yeah let the dick out can i just say straight women are extremely brave honestly boys you want to
53:41fold your wife over i do you gotta fold the towel boom boom boom done you try it what is
53:48this
53:49wizardry fold it okay sorry sorry i'll can i help you i just need to pick up my husband darren
53:52we're late
53:53wait wait wait why don't you show your wife what you learn yeah you gotta go on uh do it
54:00hey honey
54:03your tag is hanging out is it no no it's not darren oh you must be on your period
54:10behind the walls um check this out
54:18what am i supposed to do with that darren i'm afraid darren's a lost cause what i however am fully
54:25house trained and i've got a van out the front do you want to get out of here yeah i
54:30do oh
54:35she's good
54:39do you know when i was young i just assumed that drugs rock and roll and wild sex would ruin
54:44my life but
54:45it wasn't that at all it's tiktok tiktok is busy ruining my life simple things that you think you
54:51know how to do like how to get the avocado separated from its skin it's easy you cut it
54:56open take a spoon slop it on a plate and you're done but no on tiktok they do it different
55:01they
55:02peel the outside off and then they cut it in half and they slice it and slices and they put
55:06it on a
55:06board like have you seen that that looks sexy it's like i'm gonna do that i didn't do that
55:15because i go and i get my avocado and i get home and i peel it and then there's all
55:19these black dots
55:20all over it and i was like oh no my avocado is diseased but it was not diseased was it
55:26no
55:27it's people in my community who would go and squeeze the shit out of that avocado
55:31all those black dots are people in my community's fingers it just drove me nuts like who would do
55:37that like why are you squeezing anything you're not a farmer this may come as no big surprise but i
55:43do have a therapist um i know it's like when i meet somebody who goes i've never been to therapy
55:49i go red flag get a red flag but i think my therapist might be a red flag because she
55:56bought
55:56me for christmas a reflective vest she bought me this this reflective vest because she says oh you
56:04want to police what other people do with their lives so here while i'm away for seven weeks in
56:08europe why don't you wear your little reflective vest and go police what other people are doing
56:12i'm like listen first or fuck you secondly she's real cheap so i have to take some shit
56:21i have to go see her so frequently you got to get a budget friendly one you see
56:26secondly i don't want to police what other people do i don't i want you to just be able to
56:31do your
56:31shit do your part but you don't so now i do have to police what you do
56:45we've got one tomato section suspect is male quite tall extremely unattractive to me
56:56strike one
57:09strike two
57:10oh it's terrible
57:12stand by we're gonna take the sucker down
57:21not too summing it come on mate you're inside it
57:26it's my good
57:28hold your fire we need a clean put back before we can arrest them
57:33we've got him move move move
57:36what the hell what are you doing oh oh oh oh oh no ow ow i'm not i'm in a
57:41tent by the deli
57:41boys ow ow ow get your toes away from my face sir
57:45someone get these deli boys off me what are you doing
57:49oh you thought you could come in here in broad daylight and fondle fruit
57:53my name is urshula special fruits unit we are charging you with fiddling in the third degree
57:58it's not illegal to inspect fresh produce
58:00inspect you figured this one so much if it was a human being i wouldn't marry it
58:04i just want to find a ripe avocado
58:06well we all would love a ripe avocado but now someone has to go home with your sloppy seconds
58:10you can't arrest me you don't know what i can do
58:18oh god you monster oh she's figuring the ice cream
58:29yeah i feel sick
58:30you watch grab his face you're gonna watch this
58:33yeah oh god
58:35How do you like that? How do you like that?
58:37Now you get to go home with my slobby sack.
58:40Excuse me, hang on. What is going on here?
58:42Oh, we found this jerk squishing produce.
58:45Well, if you contain the problem, don't thank me. You're welcome.
58:47I wasn't going to thank you. You don't work here.
58:50And I'm pretty upset by all this mess. Look at this mess.
58:53Dammit, scatter!
58:55Oh, dammit!
58:57Go the other way!
58:58You might be!
58:59You could definitely get her.
59:00I'm going to have to reduce this now.
59:03All right, well, that is the episode.
59:06Can I just say a word of warning?
59:08If you have a friend who recently had a baby,
59:11don't have cabbage salad at their house.
59:13Also, as you exit the building,
59:15there's some cupcakes for sale in the foyer.
59:18My kids' school has a fundraiser,
59:20so we need a new cover for the sandpit.
59:22So if you guys can donate, that'll be excellent.
59:25Thank you. I made that myself.
59:26It is nut-free.
59:27I didn't drop my nuts in the batter once.
59:29Thank you so much for coming!
59:31Thank you so much!
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