- 3 hours ago
First broadcast 13th February 1978.
Hazell cruises the upper strata of society as he delves into the background of a financial genius.
Nicholas Ball - James Hazell
Celia Gregory - Vinnie Rae
James Faulkner - Gordon Gregory
Fiona Mollison - Diane
Elizabeth Power - Pamela Courtney
Bryan Coleman - Charles Courtney
David Robb - Jonathon Clayton
Lalla Ward - Sarah Courtney
Reggie Oliver - Mark Wooldridge
David Gooderson - Shop Assistant
Howard Taylor - Henry Courtney
Fiesta Mei Ling - Mai-Lin
Hazell cruises the upper strata of society as he delves into the background of a financial genius.
Nicholas Ball - James Hazell
Celia Gregory - Vinnie Rae
James Faulkner - Gordon Gregory
Fiona Mollison - Diane
Elizabeth Power - Pamela Courtney
Bryan Coleman - Charles Courtney
David Robb - Jonathon Clayton
Lalla Ward - Sarah Courtney
Reggie Oliver - Mark Wooldridge
David Gooderson - Shop Assistant
Howard Taylor - Henry Courtney
Fiesta Mei Ling - Mai-Lin
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02I've got a few questions...
00:05for the next one.
00:05but I've got some questions...
00:09I can't wait.
00:25I can't wait.
00:26I can't wait.
00:26I can't wait.
00:27I can't wait.
00:39Before Gregory phoned, I've been thinking of taking a couple of days somewhere exotic.
00:43Jersey, maybe.
00:47It wasn't long since I copped an easy couple of grand from a frightened man called Dobson.
00:51I was still holding a nice few quid, even after paying off the motor and indulging in
00:56some new clobber.
01:15That's a great thing about Handmaid St. Louis from Bond Street.
01:18They give you that authorised feeling.
01:27They're waiting for you.
01:30My money. Couldn't decide what to wear.
01:33Eighty quid.
01:34Who's your tailor? Sainsbury's?
01:36If you got it, flaunt it, I always say.
01:39If you have the flaunt it, darling, you haven't got it.
01:41Thank you, sir.
01:45This is our operative, James Hazel, Charles Courtney.
01:48Oh, yes, sir. Pleased to meet you, Mr Courtney.
01:51I'm sorry I'm late, only I had these new shoes to pick up.
01:54Mr Courtney has asked my advice about a family matter.
01:59Yes, a family.
02:01Shall I let him read it?
02:02Oh, yes, by all means.
02:03This is a letter Mr Courtney received.
02:08Maybe none of my business, but to save embarrassment, you should have Mr Jonathan Clayton checked out by a private
02:13detective.
02:14Well, we should.
02:17Who's Mr Jonathan Clayton?
02:18He's a friend of my daughter.
02:21Well, my wife tells me they may be getting serious.
02:24Oh, dear.
02:26You'll have to speak to my wife, although I must tell you, Gordon, that she's not terribly keen.
02:30On having him investigated?
02:31Well, she's rather fond of him.
02:33I'm sorry, but I do have a meeting.
02:36The only thing is that I'm due for a bit of an holiday.
02:40Oh.
02:41Don't worry, Charles.
02:42Holidays.
02:43When did you join the civil service?
02:46Why it's important is, well, my daughter will be 18 on Friday and she is rather will of her own
02:53and all that.
02:57Well, life's one long holiday, they do say.
03:00That's very decent of you. I'm much obliged, Mr...
03:04Hazel.
03:05Yes, of course.
03:06If you could, let Pamela know.
03:08Of course.
03:10Lunch tomorrow, then.
03:11Tomorrow?
03:11Oh, yes, tomorrow.
03:13Spend it.
03:16Holidays.
03:18That's exactly the sort of client this practice needs.
03:21She's a senior partner on the stock exchange.
03:23A highly respected man.
03:24And who part of all the villains whose money put you through eating?
03:27I'm talking about expansion.
03:31I'll ring Mrs. Cortland to say you're on your way, then.
03:34They live in Cheney Walk.
03:36Where else?
03:37Well, they'll appreciate a bit of class in Cheney Walk.
03:41Surprised you haven't asked for a clothes allowance.
03:43Don't tell me.
03:45How much?
03:46Well, at the risk of appearing a hint vulgar.
03:51I see.
03:53Sooner or later, we must get round to your outstanding advances.
03:57Don't you want the court in his address?
04:04Actually, it says that vulgarity is making a comeback.
04:09Vulgar?
04:09Yeah.
04:10And made from Bond Street.
04:33And made from Bond Street.
04:44We all know about traffic wardens and Rolls Royces, don't we?
04:47One law for the poor, and no law for the rich.
04:52Still, the hell with it.
04:53I was visiting the rich, wasn't I?
04:56Must be good for temporary immunity.
04:59Hello.
05:00Looks like Mrs. Courtney's already had a visitor.
05:03Busy morning.
05:04I wonder what your line is then, Squire?
05:07Whatever it is, it ain't selling brushes.
05:21What is it like?
05:28Well done.
05:28I'm sorry, Mr. Gak question.
05:28I'm sorry.
05:28I'm sorry.
05:28I'm sorry.
05:29I'm sorry.
05:29I'm sorry.
05:30I'm sorry.
05:32I'm sorry.
05:56Hello, Mrs Courteney in.
06:00James Hazel, come to see Mrs Courteney.
06:14Hello.
06:36Hello, Mrs Courteney.
07:06Your teeth are okay, but your gum's left to come out.
07:08He's my shabby tiger.
07:13The girl let me in.
07:16Mr Hazel.
07:19I must say, you don't look like a man who peeps through keyholes.
07:24My dirty raincoats are the cleaners.
07:27Would you like a drink?
07:28It's a bit early for me, thanks.
07:29Are you...
07:31On the coffee table.
07:37Does the RSPCA know about this?
07:40How much do you know?
07:41I got four O-levels.
07:44You met my husband.
07:46Yeah, but he didn't say too much.
07:48That's Charles.
07:49Man of a few badly chosen words.
07:52He did say that you weren't...
07:56weren't too happy about digging into this Mr Clayton.
08:00Then he's wrong.
08:02Although it hasn't been easy.
08:04I've had a lot of thinking to do, but after all, a letter like that...
08:08Any idea who wrote it?
08:10Some illiterate.
08:11There are two Rs in embarrassment.
08:14I didn't know that.
08:16The only reason to think that this Mr Clayton's a bit dodgy.
08:20Well, we have now, haven't we?
08:22Perhaps one should ignore it, but...
08:24Sarah is extremely willful.
08:26Fairly immature.
08:27And she's coming into 50,000 when she's 18 from her grandmother's trust.
08:31With more to come. A lot more.
08:34After her money, you think?
08:35He's had everything else.
08:37Yes.
08:38I don't mind her screwing the man.
08:40Her virginity isn't the problem.
08:42She lost that a long time ago.
08:45But marriage?
08:46Well, after all, one is talking about the first eleven, isn't one?
08:50First eleven?
08:52Well, husbands.
08:54You know what I mean.
08:56Well, perhaps you don't.
08:59Girls of Sarah's type quite frequently fall for the most impossible men.
09:03Some form of rebellion.
09:05Two years later, they're in the divorce court, trying to get rid of the hairy lorry driver or the Italian
09:09beach boy or whatever.
09:11Clayton's that sort, is he?
09:13Not at all.
09:14He's very personable.
09:15Apparently well off.
09:16He knows what to wear, but...
09:19Sucks his suit through a straw.
09:21He's fairly meticulous about the social niceties.
09:24Much more so than we are.
09:26But until the letter, you were quite happy about his relationship with your daughter.
09:30Well, I must admit I did always think there was something.
09:35His total lack of background, for instance.
09:37He says his parents were killed in an air crash.
09:41So you want me to get the dirt on him?
09:43You make it sound very business-like.
09:46Is there a lot of this sort of thing in your profession?
09:49Usually it's after the wedding.
09:52So you're fairly experienced in being discreet.
09:57Extremely volatile girls at that age.
09:59Elopement wouldn't be out of the question.
10:01You know the sort of thing.
10:03Love's young dream.
10:04Defying stuffy parents.
10:06The very mention of a private detective and rebellion would be guaranteed.
10:13Sorry, Dumbo.
10:16Mrs Courtney, something's been bothering me then.
10:20Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
10:23Personal?
10:24That.
10:27Oh.
10:42The honey is superb.
10:45It's for real?
10:47Of course.
10:48Everyone's getting bees now.
10:50I must tell them down a sure ditch.
10:53You ever get stung?
10:54One takes precautions.
10:56Doesn't one?
11:02Tell me more about Clayton.
11:05Well, he's something of a financial wizard apparently.
11:09There's some property deal he wants us to invest in.
11:12How much?
11:12As much as we like.
11:14He says we're bound to triple our money in six months.
11:19Frankly, he seems to be rushing at us on all fronts.
11:22I'd better meet him.
11:25How would you like to buy our villa in Portugal?
11:30Never mind a dodgy boyfriend.
11:33If that was mum, I couldn't wait to meet her daughter.
11:36Hold on to...
11:43Okay.
12:06A dinner party in Belgravia?
12:09You!
12:11Moving up in the world, aren't I?
12:13Having trouble?
12:15Attention to detail, sir.
12:17Now, a tie?
12:18Will that require another inside leg measurement?
12:20We aim to please.
12:23Well, there's no secrets from one's tailor.
12:26How do you want me to dress?
12:28You're the girlfriend of a nouveau riche fruit and veg marketeer.
12:32It was a bit cool, blimey, but loaded.
12:34That's nice to know, sir.
12:44Mr. Hazel.
12:46It's so long since I've seen a man dressed for dinner.
12:51Um, this is Virginia.
12:54My Lynn, finish laying the table and make sure Henry's had his supper.
12:59How nice of you to come.
13:02Charles, this is James' friend, Virginia.
13:07Hello, Virginia.
13:08Hello.
13:09What may I give you to drink, my dear?
13:10A gin and tonic, please.
13:12Sir.
13:13Sit down.
13:17Hello, everyone.
13:19Well, isn't Jonathan here yet?
13:20Darling, meet James and Virginia.
13:22James is thinking of buying the villa.
13:25How do you do?
13:26Delightly, I'm sure.
13:32He was incredibly impressed.
13:34Put that down.
13:35That would be very efficient, isn't it?
13:38I can't believe it.
13:41Jonathan?
13:43Jonathan's plane was delayed from Amsterdam.
13:46It's Jonathan, everyone.
13:48Sorry I'm late.
13:49Evening, Jonathan.
13:50Hello, Charles.
13:51What a little bit.
13:51James, here you please.
13:53Meet James.
13:54James Hazel.
13:56Hello.
13:56How do you do that?
13:57Jonathan?
13:57This is his friend, Virginia.
13:58How do you do?
13:59Virginia, hello.
13:59Ray.
14:00Hi, Jonathan.
14:01Oh, thanks very much.
14:03You do much business over there, do you?
14:05Yes.
14:05Yes.
14:06Much better doing business with people who want to work.
14:12I'll feel all right, Bert.
14:13Good night.
14:14Thought you'd all be wearing penguin suits and cheney walk, didn't I?
14:17Oh, never mind.
14:18You may find a fancy dress ball on the way home.
14:25You were at Rodean's before my time, obviously.
14:29I was expelled.
14:31It was incredibly dull, anyway.
14:32Something scandalous, I hope.
14:34A pot party with some local yikes.
14:37Very dull.
14:39As if you go north of the 30th parallel, you'd be eating a bit of a wolf.
14:44I don't know what they do with the whiskers.
14:46Do they get them out?
14:47I don't know.
14:48They pull them out with tweezers.
14:49Oh, do they?
14:50Well, they're a good idea.
14:51I know one or two people who could do with a bit of a pull out with tweezers.
14:56I never run.
14:58It was a mercy work, this drinker.
15:01More, what do you call it, James?
15:03The out-to-dinner...
15:04Dine, Daddy.
15:05Out-to-dine wine.
15:06Oh, yes, of course.
15:07How stupid of me.
15:09Honey pears, get up, then stare.
15:15Something like that.
15:16It's a defence mechanism.
15:18I must remember that the next time I'm in court.
15:20Cockneys, they use rhyming slang to confuse and exclude outsiders.
15:24Not only Cockneys play that game, is it, Squire?
15:26Donald Trump, he's found some infamous, extraordinary way Jonathan comes out with it.
15:30Five years.
15:31I'm not holding up my name.
15:33By the way, Charles, Martingale Investments have their board meeting on Friday.
15:36Our chance for a quick killing here.
15:38We must have a serious discussion, Jonathan.
15:40I'll tell me.
15:42How does a nice girl like you know a character like James, eh?
15:47He sold me some bad apples.
15:50Green-grocer, are you?
15:52Yeah.
15:53Fruit and vegetables in the market.
15:54Family's done that for years.
15:56I mean, you can't go wrong these days.
15:57That's what we're in a trade called tax evasion.
16:00What's your racket, then, Jonathan?
16:02Anything you can row me in?
16:04Well, we're talking about substantial capital, I'm afraid.
16:07James might surprise you, Jonathan.
16:11Do you think you're like the algarve, James?
16:13Be all right with enough tomato sauce, I expect.
16:18Was that meant as a joke?
16:20I mean, it'll be all right for your clothes, but it's a start of the day to move forward.
16:25I don't want to know what I'm doing here.
16:26Yeah, they used to do it on the old, um, dagger.
16:28I'll show you the photograph, and I'll ring up the shop, and check that they've got it in.
16:32And if they have it in, I'll just go around tomorrow.
16:34Or even some...
16:35No, well, tomorrow.
16:37For the morning, for the morning.
16:38For the morning, Marks.
16:38Well, then, perhaps, I'll come with you.
16:40We could...
16:40All right.
16:40I think we could have a new shop, then.
16:42Actually, look and see if I can find some shit.
16:43It was pretty good.
16:44Yes.
16:45It wasn't easy, getting the tickets.
16:47What tickets, darling?
16:49Oh, no.
16:49You were debt collectors.
16:51Sonny Davis Jr., of course.
16:53I thought that concept was all sold out, right?
16:55You don't know how resourceful Jonathan could be.
16:57Jonathan's parents were killed in an air crash when he was young.
17:01Yeah, they used to do it on the old...
17:03I'll show you for Dad, darling.
17:04Well, a long time ago.
17:07Henry!
17:07Hey, darling, what are you doing now to men?
17:09You shouldn't be...
17:09Oh, dear him, dear him.
17:11Of course.
17:11He should be at boarding school, but he has rather violent asthma periodically.
17:15It's a shame, really.
17:16Is he all right, darling?
17:17Yes, there's a wildlife programme.
17:19You can watch it.
17:20Darling, you think I might have this...
17:22It's the...
17:23Sorry.
17:23Boyfriend.
17:24It's supposed to be...
17:25Will you please pass that down to your mother?
17:26My heart belongs to Daddy.
17:28She keeps you.
17:28I am not even...
17:29I am not even...
17:29I don't quite know.
17:30But are you...
17:31I am not even...
17:38I am not even...
17:40I'm not even...
17:41I am not even...
17:41I am not even...
17:42How old are you?
17:43I am...
17:44Ten.
17:47You must have been a child bride.
17:49I am not only...
17:52I am not even...
17:52I am not...
17:52Enough to require flattery.
17:55Anyway.
17:56We must strengthen this...
17:57Well, I...
17:58Shall we...
17:58Yes.
17:58But anyway, it's been fun.
18:00That was a wonderful meal.
18:02Guess which part of me belongs to money.
18:12You do realise that Portugal's gone bolshie?
18:15No bolshier than this damn country, Jonathan.
18:17You wedgedly tried raising a mortgage.
18:20Mortgage? Leave me out, mate. Cash.
18:23I understood Charles was asking 15,000.
18:26Well, I can't keep enough biscuits in forever, can I?
18:29Anyway, should be able to knock him down a few grand, I shouldn't wonder.
18:37Pretty lively in Amsterdam, was it?
18:39Drugs and that?
18:40No, it's not my sin.
18:43They haven't got a twin brother, eh? Drives a Jensen.
18:48The exact double he was. Dead ringer. Coming out of here this morning.
18:53What are you two muttering about?
18:56Amazing coincidence.
18:56I was surprised that Mrs Courtneyham mentioned it.
19:00Let's ask if I'd rather you didn't.
19:04Are you two going to dance?
19:06You must remember this.
19:09A kiss is still a kiss.
19:12I'll send you my bill.
19:14A smile is still a smile.
19:17Daddy asked for my phone number.
19:19Oh, come now. You a debt collector?
19:22What were you and Loverboy muttering about?
19:24His love life.
19:26What about mine?
19:28The last time I was here, you preferred to blow a man's brains out.
19:32Well, it's all go, isn't it?
19:37I would like to see more of you, Virginia.
19:42There isn't much more of me to see.
19:58What did you mean his love life?
20:01Well, let's put it this way.
20:04His art, or whatever, belongs to the two Courtney girls.
20:11He'd be a very attentive son in law.
20:14Do you mean he's an old-fashioned cat, sir?
20:19Men are beasts, you'll find.
20:23What are you going to do about it?
20:24Spotter what we in the trade call moral blackmail.
20:42Suddenly, I was personal grata with Jonathan Clayton.
20:46He'd rung me first thing that next morning.
20:48Was I really interested in joining this deal?
20:51Buying a block of flats for 120 big ones?
20:54Sure, I say.
20:56Idly caressing my last 600 sobs.
21:00Not far now.
21:02Very tiring.
21:03Being nouveau rich.
21:06I knew what he was thinking all right.
21:08I'd stumbled on a dark little secret,
21:10and he was desperately to know what I'd do with it.
21:13I was thinking that playing the shrewd wheeler-dealer with Jonathan
21:17would be about as easy as slipping an oyster into a slot machine.
21:27Last night, sorry if I appear to try to...
21:29Oh, don't mention it.
21:30It's all a bit artificial, innit?
21:31You're right, society, innit?
21:33Yes, you're right.
21:35That's it.
21:38120 grain?
21:39Every sheet of corrugated iron adds to the price.
21:45It's very simple.
21:46What we in the trade call a residential break-up operation.
21:50Who, er, gets broken up?
21:52The tenants?
21:53Well, it will involve a certain amount of winkling out,
21:56but only for those who don't want to take on more good responsibilities.
21:59You could give the unacceptable face of capitalism a bad name.
22:02You could always help him out of your biscuit, Tim.
22:06Think I'm crackers?
22:08You will be, if you buy that villa in Portugal.
22:12Charles must have rubbed his hands when he saw you coming.
22:14You, er, think I'd be better off putting the money into your deal?
22:18Oh, no.
22:19It's you that wants in, I can get all the capital I need.
22:22Only you've, er, taken such a fancy to me.
22:25We both know the answer to that.
22:29Yeah.
22:33Very good-looking woman, Mrs. Courtney.
22:36Don't worry, John, for me old son. Mum's a word.
22:47Mr. Gregory's with one of the partners. He won't be long.
22:50Can I get you something? Coffee?
22:53That's all right, my dear. We've just had an excellent lunch.
23:01Have I, er, tempted you with a drop of the old...
23:04Very small.
23:06Oh, dear.
23:07Yeah, well, I do say that the first ten grand's the hardest to get your mitts on.
23:11My parents were quite well insured. The money was put in trust for me.
23:14Yeah.
23:16Tough.
23:17What were you? Eight years old?
23:19Mm.
23:20My father was a left-hand colonel.
23:21Of course, when NASA took over, the British were kicked out of Egypt.
23:25My parents were flying home in an aeroplane that took off from Cyprus and was never heard from again.
23:29No distress calls, no wreckage, no survivors.
23:33No nothing.
23:35There was an uncle whose idea was to shunt me off to a series of boarding schools.
23:39One simply learned to fend for oneself.
23:41You've done all right, then.
23:44Ah.
23:45Ah.
23:46Gordon, my old son.
23:48Ah.
23:49Gordon Gregory.
23:51Jonathan Clayton.
23:52How do you do?
23:53Oh, ma'am.
23:53Please.
23:55Well, Mr Clayton, er, Mr Hazel didn't tell me too much about your property transaction.
24:00Well, now, let's see how the big boys do it, eh?
24:02You don't get rheumatism at the stock exchange, do you?
24:06Straightforward, basically.
24:08Done up and with vacant possession, these flats are worth thirteen, fourteen thousand pounds each.
24:12I can get them for five thousand.
24:15The company's desperate for cash.
24:16It's either a question of getting the sitting tenants to buy or...
24:19Send in the Evis?
24:21Oh, no.
24:21This is a respectable company.
24:24How much do you want Mr Hazel to put out?
24:26No, that's not quite it.
24:28James asked to come in.
24:30Yeah, well, I've got ten grand.
24:31It's only attracting mice.
24:32You see why I have to look after my client's interests, Mr Clayton.
24:37Er, how much of your own money is going into the proposition?
24:40Forty thousand.
24:42I'll give you my bank.
24:43You can check with them.
24:43My accountants and solicitors.
24:45The finance company, of course.
24:46Look, you, er, you need me any more, only I've got this business problem needs sorting out.
24:50It's not quite in the same class as this, of course.
24:52Don't worry, James.
24:53I'll, er, put the wheels in motion.
24:57You and me must have a bit of a night out, eh?
24:59Show me the real places.
25:01Give me a buzz, will I?
25:02Well, I'm extraordinary.
25:06Look forward to it.
25:07Move over, Charlie Claw.
25:24What do we do now?
25:26Send out for a gypsy violinist?
25:28We plough through all the old news since 1956.
25:31That's what we do.
25:33So long as you're paying me by the hour.
25:35Glad to see the sense of romance, isn't it?
25:57Buy your drink tonight.
25:59Shampooing the dogs.
26:02Can I have a spot of art, babe?
26:04Yes.
26:10What were you doing in 56?
26:13Lying to walk.
26:15You're too young to be lying about your age.
26:24Got it.
26:26April the 5th.
26:36I suppose I could shampoo the dogs tomorrow.
26:38Yeah, yeah.
26:38See if there's a list of the victims.
26:41There we go.
26:43Clayton, Clayton, Clayton.
26:53That's it.
26:58Don't you ever buy anything to eat?
27:00Are you worried about those bleeding owls of yours?
27:02They're being looked after.
27:05Easy to find dog sickness, is it?
27:07Black or white?
27:08Better both.
27:10I suppose I could get to like the brutes.
27:12They don't share affection easily.
27:15So what now?
27:16We're just two crazy kids in a cockeyed world.
27:19We've had a lot of laughs, baby.
27:20Let's not spoil it.
27:22I better phone the man.
27:38Gordon.
27:41Well, I'm sorry about that. I mean, I thought you'd be up, didn't I?
27:47I didn't know we joined the civil bleeding service, did I?
27:51Yeah.
27:54Yeah.
27:54Yeah, well, the property deal may be kosher, but Jonathan isn't.
27:57He...
27:59Well, it's a bit early to be telling the courtneys.
28:04Yeah.
28:0611.30.
28:11I was reading in the paper only the other day that they caught a trout as far up the Thames
28:15as Wandsworth.
28:16Now, that's encouraging, isn't it?
28:19Does the real James Hazel ever make an appearance?
28:22Yes, I understand that, but I will need a letter of confirmation.
28:27Fine.
28:29What I've got to know is...
28:32Who's the client?
28:33Mr. and Mrs.
28:34Why?
28:37Mr. Buckner is here, Mr. Gregory.
28:39Send him in.
28:40I represent them both.
28:44Morning.
28:45Some progress, Charles.
28:46James has been checking Clayton.
28:48I've made a few initial calls about the property transaction.
28:51And so far, it seems genuine enough.
28:54He took me to see the flats.
28:55You two weren't too chummy the other night.
28:57I used my char money.
28:58Is he genuine?
29:00Well, Mr. Courtney, I'd rather make sure before I tell you one way or the other.
29:02Point is, Charles, he thinks James is investing 10,000 in this deal.
29:06How long can we stall over the actual money?
29:08I stall.
29:09If you say the proposition is sound, I can find the 10th hour.
29:12I'll have you both looking after my interests, won't I?
29:15We treat the property thing as a normal investment possibility with James as your nominee, as it were.
29:20Exactly.
29:21It'll give James a legitimate excuse to stay close to him.
29:24You don't mind me being married to him, then?
29:25My attitude will be determined by your report.
29:28You do realize that after Friday, I might have the fellow as a son-in-law whether I like it
29:32or not.
29:33Not much time, then.
29:35I may have to push him a little bit.
29:39Sorry about this, Ace.
29:40Look, come on in.
29:41How's this young?
29:42Here.
29:43Have a drink.
29:45Uh, no, there's some geezer who runs one of my stores.
29:48He's been turning me over.
29:49Had to be sorted out, you know what I mean?
29:51Sorted out?
29:52Yeah, well, he might have to limp for a bit.
29:55Well, I mean, you can't let people mug you, can you?
29:57Word gets round, that sort of thing.
30:00Well, surely if an employee has been stealing, the police...
30:04Is that the old building on a bit of domestic?
30:06Nah.
30:07Before you know where you are, they want to know about you.
30:10What you're earning, that sort of thing.
30:12Besides, where I come from, that's called grassing, and that's naughty.
30:16There's certain faces that sell me the old apple off the back of a lorry, you know what I mean?
30:19I see.
30:21Well, it might sound a bit crude, Jonathan, but there's not a lot of difference between us.
30:25In your world, you do it with a writ, in mine you do it with a boot.
30:29The result's the same.
30:31Yeah, you couldn't fix me one of those, could you?
30:33Yeah, of course.
30:34Won't be long now.
30:38You, uh, you've got something tasty lined up for us this evening, haven't you?
30:43Let's see where the evening takes us.
30:45Yeah.
30:48About our, uh, our little deal.
30:53Uh, I had a chat with my brief, Gregory.
30:56And?
30:57Well, he says it weren't no good thing.
31:00Very pleased to hear it.
31:03Only...
31:04Yeah?
31:05Well, I don't quite know how to put this, really.
31:09What was it old saying about, uh, not letting people mug me?
31:13Some problem.
31:15You and me understand each other, right?
31:17I mean, we're both hustlers in our own sort of way.
31:19Few skeletons in the covers, like most.
31:21Go on.
31:23Well, I don't part with ten grand without doing a bit of checking.
31:26At least Gordon Gregory makes sure.
31:29There's cobblers about your parents.
31:30Cobblers?
31:31The crash.
31:32They weren't in it, were they?
31:36So that's why you told me about sorting out a crooked employee.
31:40To what?
31:40To let me know how dangerous you can be.
31:42Yeah, I'm just...
31:43I think I know what you are.
31:47The question is, what exactly do you want?
31:50I want to turn ten grand into thirty.
31:52That's all.
32:02All right?
32:06There was no plane crash.
32:08My father wasn't a lieutenant colonel.
32:11He's a clerk.
32:13Never earned more than $1,500 a year in his life.
32:16Just a shiny-ass pen pusher.
32:19New Burton suit every three years, glass of cheap sherry on Christmas mornings.
32:24And his desk waiting for me when they finally give him the miserable pension that's ruled his entire life.
32:32I got out.
32:33It's all there is to it.
32:34I just got out of it.
32:37You've done well then.
32:40Yes, I suppose so.
32:42Here, you have another.
32:44I mean, you've got your feet one under the table now, haven't you?
32:47Lovely daughter coming into a fortune.
32:49And a beautiful mum.
32:51And I thought you was just another hooray, Henry.
32:59You do realise I could buy and sell the Courtney's, don't you?
33:03I'll make you an offer for Mummy.
33:06Mummy is a bitch.
33:07Go on.
33:09I'm not sure you'd understand.
33:11Take a gamble.
33:13I met them at Gestade.
33:16Frankly, I was picked up by Mummy.
33:18We sort of made up a foursome.
33:20Everybody assumed it was Sarah I was interested in.
33:22Obviously, I suppose.
33:25Yes, all right.
33:26I thought that I was finally getting in amongst...
33:29Oh, I don't know, call it what you like.
33:31Class, status, the right people.
33:34And Mummy.
33:36Yes.
33:37Well, it isn't like that any more.
33:40I'm in love with Sarah.
33:42That's why I went round to the house the other morning.
33:44I had to face Pamela, tell her that from now on...
33:49She was not well pleased, as they say.
33:53So you threw her over for her own daughter, eh?
33:56Bit tasty, that scene, I'll bet.
33:58This all go with the upper class, isn't it?
34:03Ah, right.
34:04Let's get out there.
34:05Do a bit of rockin' and rollin', eh?
34:09Well, you, er, didn't make your first ten grand from the insurance scene.
34:13Is that another dark secret, is it?
34:15I suppose you already know enough to finish me with the courtness.
34:18What, glad is that, is it?
34:21Depends how you view hardcore.
34:24What?
34:26You're into pornography?
34:29Up to here.
34:31Books, films, the lot.
34:34Lot of money in it, of course.
34:36But I only got into it by accident.
34:38A fellow I knew was pulling out, quick.
34:40He wasn't a bad judge, either.
34:43Oh, well.
34:45Pornography?
34:47But a ton.
34:48He brings it in, and he's got the shops.
34:50He told you all this?
34:51No, he's a Catholic, and I straightened his father confessor.
34:55Anything else?
34:56Yeah, he, er, he took me out last night.
34:58He's got very expensive taste, that boy.
35:00I did 200 at Roulette.
35:02I had to keep up my act, didn't I?
35:03Just tell me about Clayton.
35:06His real name's John Clayton.
35:08His parents are alive and shabby and living in Norwood.
35:11Jonathan, nay, John,
35:13gave him the big E when he recognised their lack of vision.
35:16And asked a little social climber.
35:18Yeah, but they all were once, weren't they?
35:20I beg your pardon?
35:22Well, if your great-great-great-great-grandfather did the climbing,
35:25it's different, innit?
35:27Are you rambling on about?
35:32Who is the client?
35:33Mr. or Mrs. or both?
35:35Hang on a second, does it matter?
35:39Through persistent diligence during the course of this investigation,
35:42I have discovered that the suspect is having sexual relations
35:45with whom I hope is not the client, i.e., Mrs. Courtney.
35:48Good God, is that true?
35:50Cubs honour.
35:50You want that in a report?
35:54No.
35:56I thought the name of the game was looking after Sarah's interest.
35:58Did you?
36:01Listen, you super-serious bastard.
36:02It's me that has to plough through the dirty bin.
36:04For which you get petty.
36:07Look, Gordon, whatever report I put in, Clayton's finished.
36:10Not paid to make moral judgements, James.
36:12Just write the report.
36:16And leave Mrs. Courtney out of it.
36:35Maybe I was doing it all wrong.
36:37It wasn't as if I knew whose side I was on.
36:41Bit of an handicap in this game.
36:42Thinking of the clients as human beings.
37:02Hello, Sarah.
37:03Mr. Tomato Sauce.
37:05What are you doing sitting out here in your car?
37:07I forgot my beekeeper's hand.
37:09Have you got a minute?
37:10I know.
37:15You're a part-time kidnapper.
37:19How exciting.
37:20Are you worth much?
37:22I will be tomorrow.
37:24Why is it I'm always meeting people who are going to be rich tomorrow?
37:27Perhaps you're one of yesterday's men.
37:37Are we going somewhere intriguing?
37:40I'm supposed to be picking up a dress on the King's Road.
37:43I'm having a birthday party tomorrow.
37:45You'll come, won't you?
37:48There's something I'd like you to see.
37:51You always make me want to laugh.
37:53If that isn't too louche of me.
37:55Well, my Spanish is a bit dodgy.
37:58Hold on to your sense of humor, eh?
38:04Just a dreary little pawn shop.
38:25Are you in love with Clayton?
38:28Why?
38:29Are you?
38:31Of course I am.
38:33Well, he, er...
38:35He ain't exactly First Eleven, is he?
38:37That's Mummy's stupid expression.
38:41You've been discussing me.
38:43Yeah.
38:45I was hired by your parents to check up on Clayton.
38:49Check up on him?
38:50Why?
38:51His name isn't Jonathan.
38:53It's plain old John.
38:54His parents aren't dead, they're living in a council house in Norway.
38:59I don't believe it.
39:01Why should you want to tell all these lies?
39:03It's too silly.
39:05That's why.
39:06What is?
39:07The shop.
39:09That's where he makes his dough.
39:12He was an estate agent's clerk who got a chance on the lease, is he?
39:15He's a bright boy, really.
39:16He imports in bulk.
39:17He's got a chain of shops.
39:19Naturally, he wouldn't expect someone like you to go crazy over the filth game.
39:26I just thought that you deserved to know.
39:32Can't blame your parents, can you?
39:34I think it's despicable.
39:36The letter was right.
39:37They don't care about Jonathan.
39:39It would be the same with any man.
39:40You're only 17.
39:41It stands to reason that they want to protect you.
39:43Protect my trust fund, you mean?
39:45It's worth protecting, isn't it?
39:46Ten years from now, you'll be glad.
39:48If there's anything left in ten years.
39:50Not with you.
39:50I thought detectives were supposed to have lightning-fast, computer-like brains.
39:55I'm, er...
39:56I'm more your select-jaw-dum-dum type.
39:58My trust money is required at home.
40:00But they're loaded.
40:01I'm only 17, of course, but I do read the papers.
40:06Haven't you heard?
40:07The Stock Exchange is having rather a shaky time.
40:12Can I get out, please?
40:20What are you gonna do?
40:22Don't worry.
40:23I shan't crawl from you.
40:25I meant about Jonathan.
40:26Well, at least I know he isn't after my money.
40:37As instructed, I tried to verify the known facts about Mr. Jonathan Clayton.
40:45Is there anyone else?
40:48Well, there's Max and Jason.
40:51They're the only two I actually live with.
40:53Do what?
40:54A couple of gay dogs, you might say.
40:58Oh, bleeding dogs.
41:00Where was I?
41:02Now, according to Mr. Clayton, his parents were killed in an air crash.
41:09Look, Vinny, you think you ought to move in with me?
41:12All right.
41:13I'll just nip home for my furniture.
41:15Well, you need a toothbrush.
41:18Why don't you bring your toothbrush to my place?
41:20I've got these fish to look after.
41:23And I have my dogs.
41:26Yeah.
41:31Nobody here.
41:33Gordon. Yeah, hello.
41:35Yeah, I'm doing it now.
41:38Yeah, I know there's a rush.
41:41Look, I'll give it to you at the party, all right?
41:44Well, all right, then.
41:50I checked the newspaper reports.
41:55I've crashed at Mr. Clayton.
42:20Lookin' like a fisherman.
42:25I'm droppin' a line in the sea.
42:31Lookin' like a fisherman.
42:34I'm droppin' a line in the sea.
42:34I'm droppin' that the raining skies
42:39Lookin' like a fisherman.
42:46Holdin' like a fisherman.
42:47I'm droppin' a line in the sea.
42:50Too many stars?
42:52I'm droppin' a line in the sea.
42:57I'm droppin' a line in the sea.
42:59Have you got my lady?
43:02I'm droppin' a line?
43:04We treat her as one of the family, and now she does this to us tonight of all night.
43:08It's a mistake to spoil them.
43:10Henry seemed a bit upset.
43:12Oh, it really is time to get Henry into a boarding school.
43:14They say most asthma is psychosomatic anyway.
43:18I wouldn't mind a drink, as it happens.
43:20Oh, could you get them, my dear?
43:21I want to have a little teet-e-tate with James.
43:24Nothing impersonal, I hope.
43:29Gordon Gregory tells me you've completed your report.
43:32Yeah, I'm supposed to give it to him tonight.
43:34Well, I'd like to see it.
43:36What about your asthma?
43:38Let me worry about him.
43:40I think it's me who should do the worry.
43:44Somehow, I don't see Virginia taking on the domestic duties.
43:49What?
43:51Do you mean, Mylene?
43:54Can I see the report?
44:06I say, Pamela, have you seen Sarah?
44:09No, Mark.
44:09James Hazel, Mark Waldridge.
44:14Reading, you know.
44:15They can tell just by looking at you.
44:18Bank number.
44:19Hmm.
44:23Excuse me.
44:24Just let the dog see the rabbit.
44:26A scotch.
44:26Thank you very much.
44:28What was that?
44:29Do you assure you Mrs. Courtney?
44:30My report.
44:31Before I've seen it.
44:32Well, she's a very difficult woman to say no to.
44:34I'll speak to you later.
44:35Shall I report to my trip?
44:38Yes.
44:44Have you seen Sarah?
44:45Oh.
44:49I've read this.
44:51I can see that you know how to spell embarrassment.
44:53But just how good a detective are you?
44:56I haven't a clue.
44:57Let me put it this way.
44:59Have you put everything you know about Jonathan Clayton in this report?
45:02Let me put it this way.
45:04No.
45:05No?
45:05I didn't mention his shoe size.
45:08What about other women?
45:10What about other women, Mrs. Courtney?
45:13James.
45:14So glad you could come along.
45:16Well, you two look jolly.
45:19We're deliriously jolly, aren't we, darling?
45:22Are you and Mummy having an interesting chat about the Algarve?
45:25Well, we're having an interesting chat.
45:28Mummy, Jonathan and I have got an announcement to make.
45:31What announcement?
45:32Can't you guess?
45:33Not tonight.
45:34But it's the perfect time.
45:36I think you'd better read this.
45:46Mummy, I know all about that.
45:48Jonathan and I have no secrets here.
45:51I quite understand that you and Daddy have your best interests at heart, Mummy, darling.
45:56But really, how are you a private detective?
45:59You could simply have asked me.
46:02Now, Sarah, you listen to me.
46:03I'm 18 now.
46:04I can even vote.
46:06Ah, there you are, Sarah.
46:07Time you and I had a dance.
46:09Oh, Mum, don't be such a bore.
46:10Come on, darling.
46:11I need a drink.
46:13Pity about our business, do you?
46:15Perhaps you should try and sell me.
46:19Something wrong.
46:20Oh, go away, Mark.
46:22Excuse me.
46:24If you play your cards right, you might make the second eleven.
46:28That was a dirty stroke.
46:29It's not your concern.
46:31Well, I like to do a proper job.
46:32So what I'm still wondering is who did write the tip-off letter.
46:35Now, didn't I see an old typewriter around here somewhere?
46:37Well, I didn't write it, if that's what's going through your grubby mind.
46:40No.
46:41First, you don't want him dug into, and then you do.
46:43I mean, I don't know.
46:45Jealous, will you?
46:47I see.
46:49You will, of course, send us your bill.
46:59Right on, baby.
47:03Social climate.
47:06Well, I had to feel a little behind him, yeah.
47:09You've shown your report to my wife, I believe.
47:11She didn't give me much option.
47:12Let's have it, then.
47:14Uh, there's a bit of stop press.
47:15Sarah knows about it.
47:16What?
47:17That's not room, the wedding bells told.
47:19They told for her and Jonathan.
47:20What?
47:21Look, Charles, you're not losing a daughter.
47:23You're gaining a pornographer.
47:24You're not even losing a daughter.
47:26You're losing a trust fund.
47:27Well, Charles, at least the fellow's a hard worker.
47:30And your investment will be secure.
47:32I suppose if it's inevitable,
47:34I shall be making money out of the damn man after all.
47:39Nothing like practical avarice.
47:40Ah, it's joy.
47:44There you are, Daddy.
47:46Well?
47:46Well, Sarah.
47:48Jonathan, I suppose congratulations are in order.
47:51Thank you, Charles.
47:52Shall we, Jonathan?
47:53Just a minute, darling.
47:54Jonathan, there is something you've forgotten to tell Sarah, isn't there?
47:58I don't think so, Pamela.
47:59Are you sure?
48:01Well, what is it?
48:03Well?
48:04Pamela, perhaps this isn't the time.
48:06Oh, yes, this is the time.
48:08What is going on?
48:09What has been going on would be more relevant.
48:12Pamela, please.
48:13Darling, Jonathan has been screwing me ever since we met in Gestad.
48:16I don't think so, but I hadn't been hired to nail the anonymous well-wisher, had I?
48:47For a moment, I thought it might be Mummy.
48:51But she could spell embarrassment, couldn't she?
48:53She didn't know what it meant, but she could spell it.
49:05One thing's for sure.
49:07Takes more than handmaid St. Louis from Bond Street to fight your way into the first eleven.
49:11That's if you think the greasy ladder is worth climbing.
49:20Engagement has been announced between Sarah,
49:24Eldest daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Charles Courtney and Mark.
49:30Eldest son of Captain and Mrs. Anthony Woolridge of Mid-Earth Sussex.
49:39Funny West Ham knew the secret of first eleven breeding.
49:47You were born one morning, woke up where the ceiling fell.
49:56Born one morning, woke up where the ceiling fell.
50:03You learned everything you knew at six days on the seventh day.
50:08You knew it very well.
50:11You trusted pretty women.
50:14A pretty woman had you tied and bound.
50:18You trusted in the bottle, but in the end the bottle got you down.
50:26You've tried everything that's going, but leave it all to faith this time around.
50:33You've been down so long, it looks like her.
50:39Ain't that a shame?
50:42Down so long, it looks like her.
50:47Ain't that a shame?
50:49You know your life might change tomorrow.
50:52And then again, it might stay just about the same.
50:57Ain't that a shame?
Comments