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The King Of Queens S03E19 Ctrl Episode 19 Engsub
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Short filmTranscript
00:09Oh, my God!
00:11Oh, my God.
00:13Doug, what are you doing?
00:14It's 5.30 in the morning.
00:16They closed down Union Turnpike.
00:18I gotta leave for work now if I'm gonna beat the traffic.
00:20Just go to sleep. Go to sleep.
00:21Shh. Curl up like a baby bear.
00:23There you go.
00:36I'm okay. Shh. It's out there.
00:39Shh. I'm okay.
00:40Oh, my God.
01:06Without waking up.
01:08Do you have any idea what my work shirt would be?
01:11Check the floor.
01:14I got it. I got it.
01:15Go back to sleep.
01:17You're dreaming. You're dreaming.
01:20You're rollerblading naked with Tony Danza.
01:27Then you're ironing his shirt.
01:30My eyes are getting weary.
01:33My back is getting tight.
01:36I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight.
01:41I don't care, but I don't care, because all I want to do is cash my check and drive right
01:49home to you.
01:52Because maybe all my life I will be driving home to you.
02:11I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but
02:15I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but
02:15I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but
02:15I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but
02:16I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but
02:16I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but
02:18I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but I don't care, but
02:21I don't care, but I don't care.
02:31hey carrie oh hey lou what have you got there uh i finally decided to spring for an air
02:37conditioner between my dad and doug that living room can get pretty ripe in august you know what
02:42i'm saying any help oh no i think i can actually you're strong for a living right i got it
02:51thanks
03:00where do you want it oh right there's fine it's just gonna go in that window
03:04i can put it in for you i'm free all day tomorrow oh no no that's way too nice please
03:09it's no problem
03:11my god you are such a sweetheart and listen if there's ever anything i could do for you
03:16can you get your husband to stop making hulk jokes i don't think so
03:24although there is one thing you know what i shouldn't bother you no no no come on go go
03:29what is it well my wife usually does it for me but she's out of town okay
03:38well nothing like that it's just that i'll have to do a posing at a gym opening next week and
03:43it's a last minute thing and um and come on what is it would you spread tanning cream on my
03:48body
04:01attention ips driver in the house but don't worry i come in peace
04:06hey i'm looking for chip diggins thanks
04:11chip hey man i got a package for you oh great
04:16how does it feel to be on the other side
04:18hmm you and i were we're used to giving packages but now you're getting one
04:23uh it feels pretty much like you'd expect what you never got a package
04:29just making conversation guy
04:34dog mitch hey man i haven't seen you since ips i know i know you clean up nice
04:39yeah well i'm in personnel now gotta look my best what brings you by
04:42no i just had a delivery really out here in the boonies
04:46i can't believe they still got you working zone 12
04:48yeah why well it's just uh you were working zone 12 when i left two years ago just you took
04:55some time
04:56off were you injured no no i mean it's a tough route but hey they only give the tough routes
05:01to the tough drivers am i right why you think i should have a better route
05:04i don't know but i tell you one thing if you worked here hell you'd write your own ticket my
05:08friend
05:08really are you kidding me with all your experience hell you'd be working q gardens by now
05:12you gardens they got trees
05:18anyway just one man's opinion oh doug loved to stay and chat but uh rodriguez ain't gonna fire himself
05:23hey it's good to see you have a mug
05:36this is very sweet of you hey it's what neighbors do don't forget my obliques okay kitten
05:50hey
06:01so what's for dinner i don't know but whatever it is it's gonna have a gorgeous tan
06:07what's the matter what's the matter all these years at ips i'm still delivering in zone 12.
06:13so 12 12 12 12 12 i'm familiar with the number but why is it bad because it's the crap
06:25zone it's
06:26far away it's full of potholes there's hookers on every corner and p.s most of them are pretty skanky
06:34honey you've had the same route for years what's the deal today the deal is you know i ran into
06:39an old
06:39friend of mine who works in personnel at fedex and you know he told me if i was over there
06:43i could write my own ticket my own ticket i never had my own ticket really that's that's great
06:49it's just unfair you know i'm i'm at ips eight years and they still treat me like a pack mule
06:54you
06:54know i'm at fedex five minutes they treat me like a valuable person and they give me a beautiful mug
07:00where is it handle snapped off driving over a zone 12 pothole well maybe it's time to think about
07:08making a move what do you mean going to work for fedex oh no no why not no that'd be
07:16it's like a big
07:17deal i'd have to empty out my locker and bring home my george foreman grill all right you know what
07:26fine do whatever you want carrie excuse me i have to go finish off lou
07:34come on carrie i wasn't saying i wanted to change jobs i was just blowing off steam you know i'm
07:39pretty happy where i am now you're happy five seconds ago you were ranting about how they treat you like
07:43an animal well the beer's kicked in all right you know what i don't want to get involved because when
07:49i do
07:50you just drive me crazy so you drink your beer and i'll spread my tanning cream fine
08:01besides i just don't think i'd fit in over at fedex what are you talking about it's the same exact
08:05job
08:05you do now only in a blue uniform there you go i can't wear blue you said it yourself i'm
08:11an autumn
08:13all right maybe you don't have to actually take the job at fedex but could you at least
08:19forget it what no never mind forget it doug i think carrie's saying that you could use the heat
08:25from fedex to put the screen on ips thank you doug you're hot you're in play use it it worked
08:34i got
08:34nice rage on the hook when they wanted me on the bionic woman huh huh the bionic woman hey hey
08:47man
08:51so new boy seems okay huh yeah good looking guy yes it seems to me if you're securing your manhood
09:01you
09:01don't need to look all attractive zone one all right
09:11zone one you've been here a week you get zone one it took me four years to get zone one
09:15i've never had
09:16it i gotta tell you man i am so fed up with the way i get treated around here here
09:20you're doing
09:23don't tell me tell a boil maybe i will go ahead oh i'm gonna go i'm going okay go oh
09:28it's on baby do it
09:30it's done just give me a little push
09:40cool sorry how about dinner and drinks before you get that close huh chief
09:45supervisor of oil yeah what up uh it just happened to come to my attention that you assign
09:51the new guy to zone one yeah well it's just that that's the best zone i mean is that like
09:56a welcome
09:57to the company kind of thing instead of a basket or no no that's his zone although he did get
10:02the
10:02basket too plus i think some coupons for lowe's theaters yes i just don't understand why the new
10:08guy lucks out with the zone that's all light packages for suburban housewives well look at the
10:13guy doug come on he's gorgeous listen i i gotta jump on the horn somehow 100 pints of plasma wound
10:22up
10:22a tavern on the green i got a very angry made a dita deal with you i'm in play pardon
10:28yeah you know
10:29what i i didn't want to say anything but i i got a lot of heat on me a lot
10:33of heat what are you saying
10:35you saying there's another company interested in you uh yes there is oh well i'm really not at
10:41liberty to disclose that information let's just say it ends in x gas x
10:48fedex oh fedex wow now if we could uh come to some kind of agreement you know regarding my route
10:56i'd be
10:56happy to tell fedex to overnight their offer to where the sun don't shine putting a squeeze on the old
11:03boss huh maybe just a touch well you're a good worker doug and i'd hate to lose you so what's
11:08it
11:08going to take to make you happy zone one no can do anything else zone two two that's right next
11:14to
11:14one zone three or four it doesn't matter anything with single digits no no no way tell you what if
11:20you can wait a year i can get you 13. i'm in 12 now well listen dog i'm trying to
11:24work with you what
11:25do you want from me look i want that respect that i deserve you know i've been here eight years
11:29and i'm
11:33get it all you'll what you know i'll only quit okay dog you win boy i i'm gonna catch hell
11:44for this
11:45but here's what i'm gonna do from now on zone 12 renamed zone one and vice versa it's the same
11:53zone
11:53that doesn't help at all well i'm all out of ideas dog listen you gotta do what you gotta do
11:58okay so
11:59good luck over there at gas x fedex
12:25hey there lewis is it a good time for me uh to put in the air conditioner yeah you bet
12:28come on in
12:31oh by the way how do you like my tan hmm i don't like it really i love it
12:40no kidding lou you look fantastic a dark rich even tan in march god that stuff is amazing
12:48the best you can buy god look at me compared to you i look so pale and pasty you look
12:54fine
12:54uh white as a sheet i look like i'm touring with moomin shuns you want me to get you a
13:00couple
13:00bottles really yeah thank you hey hey honey hello hey doug uh honey could i talk to you in the
13:09kitchen
13:09alone or something oh you don't have to go anywhere you know i'm hard of hearing and i won't read
13:14your
13:14lips i promise all right fine i lost my job today what sorry you lost your job what happened well
13:30i
13:30tried to bluff a boil with the fedex thing and he didn't bite he just let me walk out well
13:34why the
13:35hell were you talking to a boil because you kept saying how much heat i had on me and that
13:38i was in
13:38play i thought you wanted me to talk to him not without preparation some rehearsal some index cards
13:45for the love of god i didn't want you to just wing it well too late it's already long you
13:50know what
13:51i mean so you just go back and tell a boil it was a mistake you know what you tell
13:55him that you were
13:56dehydrated and exhausted oh better yet tell me you mixed pills and booze and you had a bad reaction
14:02you do understand my job is driving all right but you know what maybe this is not so bad i
14:11mean
14:11they still love you at fedex
14:17oh fedex hey mitch doug hey you got another delivery for us yep a 250 pound package of doug heffernan
14:28what i left ips really why well let's just say they pushed and i pushed back shall we talk come
14:35on sure come on in my office that'd be great if i could get around rego park that way i
14:40could
14:40stop home for lunch you know but hey not a deal breaker
14:47so why should the fedex company hire doug heffernan what what would a doug heffernan bring to fedex
14:56well i'd bring myself and my lunch if i don't get rego park no i think i'd uh hey castaway
15:05whoa
15:13you know i agree a lot of things i'm a i'm a real good dependable driver you know i'm
15:19i've got a pleasant personality i'm relatively hygienic
15:23and i've been told i'm quite the cut up cut up uh-huh and where do you see yourself in
15:28the future
15:29you got a five-year plan five years uh yeah i hope to be still delivering packages only in
15:35a hovercraft huh hey package for mr spacely you are quite the cut up here's the thing though we're
15:42really not hiring at the moment what yeah we're a little lean and mean right now so well you just
15:48told me how great it was how if i was here i could write my own ticket that was just
15:51friends talking
15:52what am i going to say you're the heaviest i've ever seen you i quit my job doug look tell
15:57you what
15:57i'm going to do i'll i'll leave your application on file okay i don't want my application on file
16:01man that's a death warrant look mitch i can do this job i want this job look at this see
16:05hey fedex calling
16:10mitchell mitchell mitchell mitchell mitchell listen to me i am not leaving this building
16:12until you hire me now we both know i'm the man for the job look in my eyes see the
16:17passion i know
16:18you're thinking deep down inside i'm gonna roll the dice on this kid security
16:32morning baby what you doing looking through the want ads doug i'm looking through the want ads
16:38leave me alone would you just call a boil he's dead to me you are just so damn stubborn just
16:47just crawl back and and take your crap i do it for god's sakes my boss he throws his shoes
16:52at me
16:53i just duck and get on with my life it's you okay i want more out of my job okay
16:58i want happiness i
16:59want respect i'm gonna get it even if that means slaughtering pigs for six bucks an hour
17:07all right you know what doug if you want to find a new job then then i support you thank
17:14you
17:16honey didn't luke tell you to go easy on that tanning cream yeah so so how many coats is that
17:24one okay maybe three you don't understand people have been telling me i've never looked better this
17:29stuff is magic yeah well dougie ain't got no job now and that magic cost 18 bucks a bottle so
17:34slap
17:35on a coat of sealant and call it a day fine besides you can live without the smeared brown handprints
17:41all over the house it's starting to look like a crime scene i said fine aha look at this right
17:47here
17:47look look look look what i found miss doubting thomasina huh metro courier service in midtown manhattan
17:53experience delivery personnel needed immediately good pay flexible hours well looks like daddy landed
18:00back on his feet
18:12back on his feet
18:13signal dude
18:51Oh, my God, how much of that tanning stuff are you using?
18:56None.
18:57None?
18:58None?
18:58You look like Seal.
19:01For your information, I had lunch outside today.
19:05Yeah, well, unless you had it eight feet from the sun, I'd say you got a roaring tanning
19:08cream addiction.
19:09Can we forget about me, please?
19:11What are you doing?
19:11Whose bike is this?
19:13Metro couriers.
19:15You're a bike messenger?
19:17A bike courier, and I happen to enjoy it.
19:21Oh, come on.
19:22You can't be enjoying this.
19:23Yeah, well, I do.
19:24Doug, I am begging you.
19:26Let's cut you out of those pants and get you back to IPS.
19:30Yes, please.
19:32Now, you know what?
19:33If they can live without me, I can live without them.
19:36All right?
19:37Now, if you will excuse me, I need to figure out a way to pedal through the Midtown Tunnel.
19:45No seat!
19:57Hey, there.
19:58Hey, Doug.
19:59What brings you by?
20:00I just wanted to drop off all my uniforms.
20:03I had them martinized for you.
20:05I don't know what that means, but it cost me a buck extra.
20:08Thanks.
20:10So, how's your job there at FedEx?
20:12Ah, actually, you know what?
20:14I passed on them.
20:15Yeah.
20:16You know what it is?
20:17Didn't quite work into my five-year plan.
20:19Didn't see it happen.
20:20Went over to Metro courier.
20:21Good outfit.
20:22Oh, those are guys that deliver on skates?
20:25No, no, no, no, no.
20:26They stopped doing that years ago when they lost a few guys.
20:28Uh, it's all scooters and bikes.
20:30I'm on a bike.
20:31It's very pleasant, actually.
20:32Very pleasant.
20:33You want your job back, don't you?
20:34Certainly do, yes.
20:36And what about this respect thing?
20:38You still into that?
20:39Not so much.
20:40No, no.
20:43I think once you've been violated by a 10-speed,
20:45your priorities kind of change.
20:48I heard that.
20:49All right.
20:50You can come back, Doug.
20:51Oh, see you in the morning.
20:53Well, thank you.
20:53Thank you so much.
20:56I'm sorry.
20:56You know that thing you said about, you know,
20:59calling Zone 12, Zone 1?
21:00I think I might be willing to go for that after all.
21:03No, you see, Doug, if I let you do it,
21:07then everybody's going to want to rename their zone, Zone 1.
21:09You know, it's a slippery slope, my friend.
21:12Okay.
21:13What if you and I just called Zone 1 when we're alone?
21:16Alone?
21:17What are you getting at?
21:18All right, forget it.
21:19How about giving me a welcome basket?
21:21Doug, again, with the slippery, you know?
21:23Wait, look, man, I've been here eight years.
21:25You've got to give me something.
21:28Movie passes?
21:31All right, what the hell.
21:33All right.
21:35Welcome back, Doug.
21:36Well, thank you.
21:37It's nice to be back, sir.
21:38And good to be appreciated.
21:40Woo.
21:41Ah, great.
21:45Wait a second.
21:46These passes have expired.
21:49It's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold.
21:51It's cold.
22:02Oh, you know what?
22:03If they can live without me, I can live without them.
22:06Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a way to...
22:11No, no, no.
22:12If they can live without me, I can live without them.
22:14Okay?
22:15Now, if you'll excuse me, I can figure out a way to...
22:20You know what?
22:21If they can't live without me, then I can't live without them.
22:25I can't live without them.
23:10I can't live without them.
23:29You
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