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Mock The Week 2026 S01E07 Episode 7 Engsub
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18:31so my husband and I we had our first baby recently and it took us a while to name him
18:36because we didn't want him to get bullied because growing up my name is innocuous enough but people
18:41made up all sorts of mean nicknames kids called me heroni macaroni heroni baloney bitch
18:50when I was in high school I knew a guy whose name was Michael Litteris
18:57that means his name was Mike Litteris and you couldn't even joke with him about it
19:02Mike Litteris is very sensitive
19:06you do not want to rub Mike Litteris the wrong way and it's not even like he could ask people
19:12to call him Michael because then it just sounds sassy they'd be like Michael Litteris so
19:19a lot of people asked us if we would give my son an Irish name because my husband is
19:24Irish and I love Irish names my first flatmate was an Irish girl her name was Cuiva and if you
19:29don't know the name Cuiva that's spelled C-A-O-I-M-H-E when she told me that I
19:35was like hmm that's not a
19:36name that's a Wi-Fi password very secure I don't understand these women who let their husbands name
19:45the baby after themselves because women do 100% of the work in pregnancy like honestly being pregnant
19:52with my husband's baby it felt like we've been paired up to do a school science project where
19:56I had to do all of the work for nine months but he got the exact same grade because he
20:01brought the pen
20:06and then after nine months of pregnancy you still have to push a baby out your fun hole and I
20:11was
20:11terrified of doing it I called my mom and I asked her what's it like and she said I mean
20:16it was fine
20:16I gave birth to three babies no pain medication it was fine I mean I tore and I couldn't feel
20:22my
20:23clitoris for two years but it was fine I said what maybe that's what happened to Mrs. Litterous
20:31maybe she wasn't naming her son maybe she was calling out for medical attention like my clitoris
20:35I thought it was like Mike's a lovely name excellent choice thank you thank you very much
20:42okay that leaves us with Alistair let's see what your topic is let's spin the wheel
20:50the topic is smoking
20:54when I was a kid the secret of being cool was having candy cigarettes which were made of candy
21:00shaped like cigarettes super cool in the 90s because you could be there in the playground
21:04nibbling away nibbling nibbling like a little James Dean nibble nibble nibble so you just had
21:08just a little bit of candy cigarette left and then you could be like right off to maths
21:15instantly cool you know nibble nibble nibble nibble strut around the playground stub out on a wall
21:19have a go on the swings cool I know I look like someone who's been blessed with many of nature's
21:26gifts
21:30what I mean by that is people often try to buy drugs from me
21:36that's not my thing I've never been into drugs but people don't believe that because the way I look
21:39a guy came up to me he said oh you must know where we can get some stuff and I
21:43said no honestly I don't
21:44he said oh come on come on not even uh that's really it now the thing is genuinely I don't
21:51know where
21:52you buy cannabis I don't know where you buy marijuana but I do know where you can get swanny whistles
22:01so that man is now on his way to Mr. McGillicutty's whistle factory
22:06he's got a prime emporium and I'm full of drugs actually
22:10that's a real problem I used to work there I tried to do something about it but
22:13I don't know if you know it's very difficult to report wrongdoing if you work in a whistle factory
22:20thank you very much at the end of that round the points go to Ginny everyone come back here thank
22:26you very much
22:31join us after the break for more mock the week
22:40the next round is called if this is the answer what is the question on the board are six categories
22:46Janine which category would you like science please okay your topic is science the answer is 685 000 miles
22:53what is the question is it how far do I have to travel to escape my mother's criticism
23:01is it if you printed out all the emails in the epstein files and laid them out flat
23:06how far must you remain from schools at all times
23:10how much railway have the french built since we started hs2
23:17is it girls if we're honest how big is too big
23:22what is the range of the all-new all-electric land rover exaggerator
23:29what is the annual income and first name of a guy who thinks he's pretty bloody working class actually
23:41what does my step count appear to be if i change my watch to my left hand
24:04is it what distance are people talking about when they say that's not a million miles away
24:18is it after telling me he's 0.5 miles away two minutes ago how far away is my uber driver
24:23now
24:25is it uh how far away would david walliams now have to swim to get my donation
24:32how close is brooklyn beckham to his family
24:38what is the area surface area i'm gonna go with that yeah go on of your fucking noggin
24:54miles is a measure of length not of area okay
24:57uh square miles yeah does it say square miles does it say square miles there does it
25:04no no no the miles are not square do you know it is though
25:09you don't hear fucking next the word noggin very often
25:12no i think i do know the right answer oh do you know the right answer yeah yeah what yeah
25:17is it
25:22is it there's a thing called artemis there's a rocket called artemis isn't there there you go
25:27it's going around the moon so i'm kind of thinking how far will it travel
25:30absolutely right thank you very much
25:36yes the question i'm looking for was how far will the artemis 2 mission travel when it heads to the
25:41moon this is news that nasa's latest attempt to reach the moon has suffered several setbacks and will
25:46now not launch until the first of april at the earliest the mission will see a crude spacecraft
25:50travel around the moon for the first time since apollo 17 over 50 years ago is that an easy rocket
25:59why are we going back to the moon it's not changed it's not it's not like hackney
26:06you know i'm not going oh the moon used to be dangerous now it's got a gales
26:10the moon has been gentrified it's really come up it's amazing yeah finally no they're not they're
26:15not going to the moon are they you know how close they get to the moon they're flying by it
26:19aren't
26:19they yeah they are the closest they get to the moon surface is 5 500 miles yes that's like standing
26:24in cornwall and going yeah i've been to milwaukee they're not there they're not going to the moon
26:30we've basically gone to the moon then no no what uh 5 000 miles come on that might as well
26:37be here yeah
26:37certainly it might it might no no i struggle i struggle to maintain the whimsical tats i'm
26:45supposed to do at the comedy show when you idiots keep coming at me these days you're going to make
26:50them blow the top off his 685 000 square mile head why are they going they're going because ultimately
26:59the idea is to go back and actually land on it and then either use it as a base for
27:02which to do other
27:02trips or to you know and gather minerals from the moon but we have landed on it why are they
27:07going
27:07to see whether we can land on it we have we did we did land on it so why are
27:12we going back have we
27:13forgotten how so they need to check out the parking yes i think this is the real danger because we
27:21haven't been there since like the 70s yeah right so there's a very real possibility that when we get
27:25there the moon will be casually racist so they're going to come back and they go how is the moon
27:31and he goes oh inappropriate because also like there's a much more um gender diverse and ethnically
27:38diverse crew that they're going up as well like whatever so it's really asking for trouble
27:41how many women are going there's uh one woman oh so it's like a panel show yeah
27:53but they've delayed the launch right because they can't because they're waiting for the price
27:57of fuel to come down yeah they do a thing called a wet dress rehearsal yeah we've all done that
28:05they have and they failed with these things yeah so so far so they keep they keep putting it off
28:09would
28:09you like to have been an astronaut i'd love to have been an astronaut aren't you too tall how tall
28:13are
28:13you i'm way too tall all astronauts are really really tiny yeah other than that he would have
28:17been i mean you would have sailed through the medical yeah interestingly there are four astronauts
28:26on this trip like whatever but why do those assets have a special significance for ed
28:31did one of them find a woman's walk
28:35the answer is they're all younger than ed but they've done so much more with their life
28:46so sorry i know that i'm younger than you so that's also me you're totally going to turn
28:52into me but i don't understand it uh
28:56so would you go if you like yeah yeah would you go how soon how soon how soon
29:05would you go would you just would you go why do you want to go is it sounds crap why
29:14does it sound
29:14crap because you're basically you're locked in a tube with your colleagues for ages if one of you
29:20farts you can't even open the window or you die it's basically a two-month holiday on the central line
29:26if you if you fart on a spacewalk that fart is going to be waiting for you at the end
29:34isn't it hang on when you take it when you take your helmet it's not because the fart can't go
29:39anywhere can it well surely it's just in your whole the whole thing oh when you take your helmet off
29:44does
29:49it's just a sticker yes because in space no one can hear you fart
29:57we end that round the points go to ellie hugh and alistair
30:05the next line is called audience question time we throw ourselves open to the studio audience and
30:09invite them to ask us questions on any topic okay first of all is there an anita here by the
30:14chance hey how are you how are you i'm good anita tell us what questions do you have for us
30:18what news headlines might you see next year oh next year elon musk grows hitler moustache claims
30:26lip was cold helicopter crash involving my entire family came as complete shock says king andrew
30:38it is
30:43donald trump invades poundland
30:49fight with jake paul was always a risk say grieving attenborough family
30:55LAUGHTER
30:56Yeah.
31:00Irish comedian jailed.
31:01I told you not to leave him alone with that French exchange student.
31:05LAUGHTER
31:08Thank you very much, Anita.
31:09Round of applause for Anita, please. Thank you very much.
31:11APPLAUSE
31:13Where is Jack? Where's Jack?
31:15Hey, Jack, how are you? How's yourself? Where are you from, Jack?
31:18Kerry, in Ireland.
31:20CHEERING
31:21Thank you for explaining to me where Kerry is.
31:25I know you are.
31:26It's horrifying by the rest of them.
31:29But obviously, I'm going to go, jeez, I haven't forgotten.
31:32The good people in TLC.
31:34Jack getting a sly dig in there. Kerry, in Ireland, do you remember it?
31:39Jack, thank you very much.
31:41What's your question, by the way?
31:42I want to know, what is your best hack for living healthy?
31:46All right, you coming to me for that? Yeah, yeah.
31:48It feels like everything Jack says is a veiled attack.
31:52LAUGHTER
31:53Hang on.
31:53Hands so weak, you struggle to open packets of crisps.
31:59LAUGHTER
31:59Sometimes I'll just be like, oh, I'll just have some lettuce.
32:02LAUGHTER
32:03I find opening packets harder and harder.
32:07I don't know if I'm getting old or packets are getting stronger.
32:11LAUGHTER
32:12They run out of the, oh, the adhesive they used to use.
32:15Make it stronger now.
32:16I know, is it just me?
32:18Does nobody else find themselves tearing stuff up?
32:21Why don't you do it?
32:23LAUGHTER
32:24It didn't look like that.
32:26It didn't look like that.
32:27It looked like you needed somebody to help you.
32:28And you're willing to do anything to get them to do it.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:31Please, please open the back for it.
32:34LAUGHTER
32:34I'm so rich.
32:35One hundred week.
32:36My tongue is strong.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:42Oh, please, strong French teenager.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:50It's not Sunday when we're going to watch this.
32:52We won't now.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:54That's really awkward.
32:56Your first time in the room with Jean-Claude.
33:00When we're going to watch this, Jean-Claude.
33:01This is what I do professionally.
33:06Sorry, does anyone have any other answers?
33:09LAUGHTER
33:10I think it's important, if you're on a diet,
33:12that you give yourself a cheat day.
33:13So, on Thursday, you can add loads of broccoli
33:15and on Friday, you sleep with your husband's brother.
33:20Just a pep in his step.
33:21For me, it's just been one very, very simple rule,
33:24which is don't eat cigarettes.
33:27LAUGHTER
33:30Jack, thank you for doing that.
33:33LAUGHTER
33:34Semi-investigary, which, as we know, is in Ireland.
33:37Give Jack a round of applause.
33:41Thank you to all of our audience.
33:43Join us again after the break.
33:48APPLAUSE
33:51The next round is called Between the Lines.
33:53If you're just Hugh and Rhys,
33:55would you make your way to the press pit, please?
33:57Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure
33:59on the world stage,
34:00while Hugh will translate what they really mean.
34:03This week, Rhys is Nigel Farage.
34:15I shall deport you first.
34:21Good evening.
34:22Great to finally get the chance to speak to you.
34:25Who am I kidding? I'm on TV more than Ramesh.
34:29LAUGHTER
34:30People say I'm out of touch with my working-class base.
34:34Poppycock, you peasants.
34:36LAUGHTER
34:37Some people seem to think I'm just a blustering,
34:40overprivileged, ignorant twat.
34:44LAUGHTER
34:47Yes, I went to private school.
34:49Yes, I used to be a stockbroker.
34:51Yes, I've said some pretty terrible things.
34:54Yeah.
34:55LAUGHTER
34:56I want to go back to the wonderful old traditions
34:59of the English countryside.
35:01Killing foxes, shooting hikers...
35:04..and incest.
35:06LAUGHTER
35:12I'm playing a role.
35:14LAUGHTER
35:17I'm the politician people most want to have a pint with.
35:20Mainly so they can pour it over my head.
35:22LAUGHTER
35:23I am tackling the issues that really matter to ordinary people.
35:28Oat milk is not real milk!
35:32LAUGHTER
35:33People say Brexit was the worst thing
35:36to ever happen to this country.
35:38Wait until I become Prime Minister.
35:40LAUGHTER
35:42Nadim Zahawi, Robert Jenrick and Suella Braverman
35:45were the first of an exciting new wave of reform members.
35:49Please welcome Greg Wallace.
35:51LAUGHTER
35:53Prince Andrew.
35:55And Hugh Edwards.
35:59APPLAUSE
36:00After the local elections, we won't accept any more Tory defections.
36:03Not even I want Preeti Patel.
36:07LAUGHTER
36:08APPLAUSE
36:08Well done, Rhys and Hugh. Thank you very much.
36:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:16Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
36:19so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.
36:22I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
36:26OK, here we go.
36:26So, the first subject is things you wouldn't hear at an awards show.
36:32And the winner of least likely to be even capable of having an affair,
36:36Ed Bird!
36:38LAUGHTER
36:41Thank you so much for this imposter syndrome award.
36:45I just really don't think I deserve it.
36:47LAUGHTER
36:49And to accept the award on behalf of Jim Carrey
36:52is a slightly odder-looking Jim Carrey.
36:56LAUGHTER
36:58And as the Labour Party awards draw to a close,
37:01let's remember some of the voters we lost.
37:04LAUGHTER
37:04Very satirical. Come on, satirical.
37:07APPLAUSE
37:08And I'd like to thank my wife, without whom none of this would be possible.
37:12Probably a bit more enjoyable.
37:15LAUGHTER
37:18The winner of our first award needs no introduction.
37:23LAUGHTER
37:26Wow, to win most emotionally repressed.
37:29I can't tell you what this means to me.
37:32LAUGHTER
37:35APPLAUSE
37:36And the winner of Auto Queue Operator of the Year goes to...
37:41Fuck you, fuck you, it's not me again, fuck you.
37:45LAUGHTER
37:47Oh, my God, thank you so much.
37:49Oh, my God, this is really heavy, isn't it?
37:50Oh, you can really shove this up your arse!
37:52LAUGHTER
37:56Let's hear it for ghosts.
37:58Sorry.
37:59And now, the in memoriam.
38:02LAUGHTER
38:06And now it's time to remember those who haven't died this year,
38:10but we wish they had.
38:13LAUGHTER
38:13LAUGHTER
38:17Welcome to the Porn Awards.
38:19Thank you all for coming.
38:21LAUGHTER
38:24I am thrilled to accept this award on behalf of men who don't really know how to hold babies.
38:30LAUGHTER
38:31LAUGHTER
38:33And finally, I'd like to thank the Student Loans Company, to whom I owe everything.
38:40LAUGHTER
38:40APPLAUSE
38:41APPLAUSE
38:43So many people to thank.
38:45Roman Polanski, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Geoffrey Epstein.
38:52Love the big guy, I miss you.
38:55LAUGHTER
38:57And now, at the Where's Wally Awards, we'd like to take a moment to look back at some of the
39:01people we've found this year.
39:04LAUGHTER
39:06And the winner for worst paper cut goes, Jesus fucking Christ!
39:12LAUGHTER
39:13It's almost time for the British Railway Awards.
39:17We're just being held at a red signal.
39:19LAUGHTER
39:20Should be on the move shortly.
39:23APPLAUSE
39:25And the nominees for the FIFA Peace Prize are...
39:32Donald Trump.
39:33LAUGHTER
39:34Genghis Khan.
39:35LAUGHTER
39:36And Thanos from The Avengers.
39:39LAUGHTER
39:40APPLAUSE
39:42And the award for Tiny Little Man Standing Very Still is...
39:47LAUGHTER
39:50And I'd just like to say, to all my fellow nominees, you can suck the farts from my arse.
40:03Sadly, Bonnie Blue couldn't be here this evening, so she sent us this video.
40:08Oh, dear God, dear God.
40:09LAUGHTER
40:11And the winner of the Fortune Teller of the Year Award is on her way to the stage right now.
40:16Gosh, she's good.
40:17LAUGHTER
40:19Before we get on to the National High Street Bank Awards,
40:23can I just say to everybody out there that you can collect your awards online?
40:29LAUGHTER
40:29LAUGHTER
40:32APPLAUSE
40:32The next topic is...
40:35Lines that kill a romantic mood.
40:38Why don't we move this into the board game room?
40:41LAUGHTER
40:42LAUGHTER
40:45LAUGHTER
40:45My penis is like Mock the Week.
40:47No-one looked at it for four years, so it had to be made twice as long.
40:51LAUGHTER
40:52LAUGHTER
40:54I've got a little electrical gadget you may want to use later.
40:58It's a defibrillator.
41:00It's a defibrillator.
41:05Is that not what you meant when you said drop a log on the fire?
41:10LAUGHTER
41:11LAUGHTER
41:12LAUGHTER
41:16I wondered if you fancied...
41:20..a Huel.
41:26God, sometimes you are just like your father, and that really turns me on.
41:31LAUGHTER
41:31OK, so somewhere in here I have secreted a pork chippolata,
41:37and I'll let you know when you're getting what...
41:39This isn't what you meant when you said play hide the sausage.
41:43LAUGHTER
41:48The labia is connected to the clitoris.
41:51LAUGHTER
41:52Sorry, it's just a song I do to help get my bearings.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:56LAUGHTER
41:59A lot of women are intimidated by...
42:02..magicians?
42:04LAUGHTER
42:07Oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah.
42:09Sorry, one second.
42:10Idea for TV show.
42:11Britain's Weirdest Fannies.
42:15LAUGHTER
42:22Very sorry.
42:25They, um...
42:26..they didn't have any handcuffs, so...
42:28..I've brought a bike lock.
42:30LAUGHTER
42:34We have to be together.
42:35We have so much in common.
42:37We even have the same mum.
42:40LAUGHTER
42:44Oh, Dobby's a naughty little house elf.
42:47Oh, Dobby needs to be punished.
42:50Dobby, sorry, doggy style.
42:52Never heard of it.
42:52LAUGHTER
42:59We're wearing the same pants.
43:03LAUGHTER
43:06You look different from the picture in your...
43:09..obituary.
43:10LAUGHTER
43:15Could I have your watch?
43:16I'm trying to make my wife jealous.
43:18LAUGHTER
43:19LAUGHTER
43:21So, what position are we trying?
43:23Six, seven.
43:24Oh, God, you're way too young for me.
43:26LAUGHTER
43:29I can give you eight inches, so long as you're happy to accept it
43:32in four easy-to-manage instalments.
43:35LAUGHTER
43:36LAUGHTER
43:38I thought you might like some music.
43:41This is the theme to bagpuss.
43:44LAUGHTER
43:45LAUGHTER
43:47You know, you're a really good kisser.
43:50And I could tell.
43:51I've kissed over 80,000 men.
43:54LAUGHTER
43:56I'm afraid I've run out of chocolate body paint,
43:58but I've got some Mattesons fish paste.
44:02LAUGHTER
44:04LAUGHTER
44:05LAUGHTER
44:07LAUGHTER
44:07Good question.
44:08I favour being tickled gently on the anus with a feather.
44:14Oh, a starter from the menu.
44:16LAUGHTER
44:20Oh, bonjour.
44:22I can't get my packet of crisps open.
44:25LAUGHTER
44:28At the end of that round, the point is to Ed Reeson TV.
44:33CHEERING
44:35That's the end of the show.
44:37This week's winners are...
44:39Alistair Beckett-King, Hugh Dennis and Ellie Taylor.
44:42CHEERING
44:43Commiserations to Janine Harouni, Rhys James and Ed Byrne.
44:48CHEERING
44:49Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen.
44:52Good night.
44:56MUSIC
44:57MUSIC
44:58MUSIC
45:10MUSIC
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