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#STORY #StoryChannel #FullEpisode #BingeWatch #4KHDR #PremiumSeries #NonStopDrama
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00:10I'm not a Christian
00:12I'm not an ordained priest or anything
00:14I was just being polite
00:15I'm the one that's not all over me
00:16Because you don't know how to cover your head hole
00:18Not a Christian
00:21No, you're a
00:23Well, please let you know I'm not a Christian either
00:32Oh, hello
00:35How are you?
00:39You're a good looking crowd
00:42Welcome to Ursula
00:44This may come as no big surprise
00:46But I get a bit worked out
00:48When people say unnecessary shit to me
00:50I don't know if you're the same
00:51Like anything can tip me over the edge
00:54You know when you go to pay with your card
00:56And when you go to tap
00:57There's always some 12 year old with milk around the mouth
00:59That goes, um, it's not there
01:00You've got to tap on the side
01:01You go, shut the fuck up
01:03I would have figured it out
01:04The machine is this big
01:07I'll tap you on the forehead a couple of times
01:09How about that?
01:10How about that?
01:10You like that?
01:12But then I also
01:13I'm the first one to put my hand up and say
01:15Yeah, I do suffer from early onset Karen
01:18Do you ever watch those videos
01:20And go, I don't see a problem here
01:22We have to go check the comments
01:24To see what this poor bitch did wrong
01:26Honestly, I am with those women
01:28I am with those women
01:29100%
01:30Until they get to the homophobia and the racism
01:32And I'm like, okay, I'm out
01:33You're on your own, you weirdo
01:35Cool haircut though
01:41You've got your father's ears
01:42Okay, I've got your test results
01:44Please sit down
01:45No, I'm good
01:46I prefer standing
01:47These are pretty serious results
01:49Come on, honey, sit down
01:50No, and you cannot force me
01:52It's against my will
01:53And it goes against the Geneva Convention
01:55I know my rights
01:56Okay, suit yourself
01:57Firstly, how are the symptoms?
01:59Uh, excuse me
02:00None of your business
02:01It's a privacy issue
02:03As you can see, she's gotten worse
02:05Lots of anger
02:07Public outbursts
02:08We've been arguing with a lot of waiters lately
02:10I know, I've seen the videos online
02:12It's just menopause
02:13Move on
02:13I'm afraid it's much more serious than menopause
02:16I'm sorry to tell you this
02:17But you've contracted early onset Karen
02:20No
02:20Oh no
02:21How is this possible?
02:23I'm afraid the results are conclusive
02:25Well, I'll tell you what
02:26I want to talk to your supervisor
02:27How long do we have?
02:29Not long, I'm afraid
02:29As you can see
02:30The virus has already spread throughout Ursula's internal organs
02:34That's a mess
02:35Well, this is all fine and dandy
02:37But I don't recognise you as an authority
02:39To diagnose me
02:43Look
02:44We did your ancestry
02:46And it turns out you come from a very long line of Karens
02:49Look
02:49What is this?
02:52Why are these women all so beautiful
02:54But all so crazy?
02:56No
02:58Is this me?
02:59Is this my future?
03:00What happened to them?
03:02What will happen to me?
03:05They're so beautiful
03:06Robust
03:07But beautiful
03:08I don't know
03:10I don't know
03:11This is possible
03:12I don't understand what's happening
03:14I don't know
03:15Help me, doctor
03:24Should I be wearing a mask or something?
03:26You should be fine
03:27We haven't seen the disease mutate
03:29Which is lucky
03:29Because currently
03:30There's no cure
03:31You have to do something
03:32Yeah
03:32Give me something
03:33Right now
03:34Okay
03:34Take this number
03:35Is this for a specialist?
03:37No
03:38That's for the local council
03:39You'll be calling them a lot to complain about the garbage man
03:41Even better
03:42Thanks
03:46You know, who knows
03:47Maybe I can fight this
03:49You know
03:49I don't feel so bad
03:51You know
03:51Don't worry
03:51We'll get you through this
03:53Oh nice, Ollie
03:55Thanks, lady
03:56Aw, that's sweet
03:58Well done, you
04:03Oi
04:04Can't you read?
04:05It says no skateboarding
04:07There are children in play in this area
04:09Somebody could get hurt
04:10Oh my, can't they
04:12Get out of here
04:14Sorry
04:15She's on a period
04:17I'm not
04:17Oh, I should have punched him in the head
04:20It's not too late
04:37Ten grand
04:39Oh no, Donkey Ducks
04:41I need a mainstream TV idea
04:44That families can watch together
04:46And that advertisers will love
04:48But more importantly
04:49We'll keep the cashola in my pocket
04:51And you
04:52Pack a whores
04:53Off the stripper pole
04:54So hit me with your ideas
04:55What have you got?
04:56I've got one
04:59The Skin I Was Born In
05:01A heartfelt and honest documentary
05:04About body image
05:05And beauty standards
05:06In today's society
05:08We follow these brave souls
05:10On their journey
05:10Towards acceptance
05:12Wow
05:13A show about fat people
05:14I love it
05:14Well
05:16It's more a show about body image
05:19Fat fuck island
05:20Oh, I love it boss
05:22Talk us through the idea
05:23Okay
05:24So fat people
05:25On an island
05:26And potentially they fuck
05:27Oh
05:28That's genius
05:29They would
05:30They would do that
05:31They'll try
05:32There's a lot of gut
05:33Could be part of their contract
05:35Yeah
05:35Must fuck
05:36Yeah, I mean
05:36I
05:37Take them out in the country
05:39Fat farmer
05:40Wants a fat wife
05:42That's great
05:43I think that's
05:44That's straying quite far from my
05:46Wait, wait, wait
05:46I've got more
05:47She's cooking now
05:48Married at fat side
05:49You don't know who's coming
05:50You can hear him
05:53Fat ninja warrior
05:55Oh my god
05:56Try and hold on to a rope
05:57Am I right
05:58The fat singer
05:59Who is it?
06:00They all sing opera
06:01Okay
06:02RuPaul's fat race
06:03The great British fat off
06:05Hubby people rolling around
06:06Fat guy for a queer guy
06:07Dumpy
06:08Kind of dumpy
06:08Yes
06:09I think we've gone a little bit
06:12I've got it
06:13Fatty, fatty fight club
06:15Okay, hear me out
06:17We put a whole bunch of fatties together
06:19All the weight that they lose
06:20Go into a tank
06:21Okay
06:21And then once a week
06:22We get two of these jumbos
06:23To fight each other
06:24And then
06:25The winner gets to eat cake
06:26Of course
06:27And the loser goes into the fat tank
06:30Fat tank Friday
06:31Yes
06:33I love it
06:34I love it
06:34Honestly
06:36Trish
06:36This was remarkable
06:37Well done
06:38This isn't my idea
06:39That's your idea
06:41This is your idea
06:41I just punched it up
06:42Yeah
06:42A little bit
06:43I was talking about
06:44A wholesome documentary
06:45To do with body image
06:46Yeah
06:47And this has all of that
06:48Plus it has fighting
06:50And a fat tank
06:51That's right
06:51You should be proud of yourself
06:52Take this moment
06:53Okay
06:54Do you have any other
06:55Amazing ideas Trish?
06:57What about at the end
06:59If there's a ball pit
07:01Yeah
07:01Filled with pudding
07:02And they have to
07:03They have to eat their way out
07:08Because they're fat
07:10I'm so sorry
07:11That you had to hear that
07:12Shouldn't have said that Trish
07:13It's too much
07:14It's too much Trish
07:16I mean she said way worse
07:17Because I can
07:19Because you're fat
07:22Trish what
07:23Because it is my lived experience
07:25I have that right extension
07:27You don't see me pitching ideas
07:28On your tour mark do you
07:29I'm not out here going
07:31Hey guys
07:31How about we make a TV show
07:33About an ugly skinny hairy bitch
07:35Yeah Trish
07:39There might be something in that boss
07:41I was like I think that idea has legs
07:42Yes
07:43Ugly skinny hairy legs
07:44Write it down
07:45Yes
07:45Yes
07:45Yes
07:46Yes
07:46Trish's legs
07:48Hairy
07:48And barren
07:49Bitch
07:50Barren
07:54I guess don't mess with me in a meeting
07:56That's all I'm saying
07:58Can we just step to a more serious side
08:00I do want to talk to you
08:02About your health
08:03Specifically mammograms
08:05All right
08:05Now ladies
08:07We got them titties
08:09And you know
08:10You have to make
08:12Like I'm not judging them
08:13That's not why we're here
08:14I'm not going to get you to flop them out
08:15Unless you're completely comfortable with that
08:18No
08:18Okay
08:18Just checking
08:19It's worth checking
08:20It's worth checking
08:20Just run that past you
08:22All right
08:22No
08:23Men
08:23I don't know if you know this
08:25But men can get breast cancer too
08:26This isn't a joke
08:27Like it's true
08:28Men can get breast cancer
08:29A lot of men don't know that
08:30So boys
08:30Tomorrow morning
08:31When you're in the shower
08:31Just for a split second
08:33We take your hand off your dick
08:34And just feel
08:36Just feel that everything's all right there
08:38Okay
08:40And you know what
08:41While you're going to the doctor
08:42For a mammogram
08:43Why don't you get yourself
08:44A little smear
08:44And I know that is
08:45That is not high
08:46On the popularity scale
08:47Things to do at the doctors
08:48You know
08:49You go in
08:50And they always go
08:50Take your clothes off
08:51And put the robe on
08:52I'll just wait outside for you
08:53I'm like
08:54No
08:54Stay
08:56Why would you go out
08:58Just stay here
08:59Plus
09:00I don't take my clothes off anymore
09:01I go
09:01No you're all right
09:02I'll just pull my knickers
09:03To the side for you
09:05I go
09:06Chuck it in
09:06Trust me
09:07It'll fit
09:09If your doctor's not comfortable
09:10With that
09:11Then respect them
09:12Say hey
09:12Don't worry about it
09:13I'll lower myself down on it
09:20All righty
09:21Let's take a good look down there
09:22See what's going on
09:23You feeling okay
09:23No I feel like you're about
09:24To shuck my oyster
09:25Right well
09:26You might feel some pressure
09:27You just scream out
09:28If it feels too uncomfortable
09:28At any point
09:29Okay
09:29Okay
09:30Well in we go
09:32Oh
09:35What
09:36What's wrong
09:37That's interesting
09:39What's interesting
09:41Huh
09:42You have
09:44In my personal
09:45And professional experience
09:46The smallest vagina
09:48I've ever seen
09:49Is it
09:50Tiny
09:51Oh my gosh
09:52And quite frankly
09:52Petite
09:53That's amazing
09:54I don't think I was going to hear that today
09:55Can I get a second opinion on this
09:57I'd love it
09:57This is going to make Mark's day
09:59Hey Mark
10:00This one of the boxers
10:01The best ever
10:02Hi hi hi hi
10:03Oh whoa
10:04The whole gang's here
10:05I should have sold tickets to this show
10:08It's extraordinary
10:09I know I've never seen anything like it
10:11It's quite remarkable
10:12Oh
10:12Thank you
10:13What do you think
10:14That is officially the smallest pussy on record
10:17Oh
10:18Well done
10:20Mine's huge
10:20Yeah no it is
10:21Massive
10:22I can hear it
10:22It sounds like the ocean
10:23Emergency
10:24Excuse me
10:25I've got London on the line
10:26Hi London
10:28Good lord
10:29Thank you London
10:30Tell me Ben it's a no
10:35Oh freshman
10:36What do you think
10:36It's so small
10:37I kiss it
10:39Throw it back
10:40Has anyone actually measured it
10:41It's a flawless melee
10:43D colour
10:43I have clarity
10:44But with a brilliance
10:45And sparkle
10:46Beyond its weight
10:47Wow
10:47What do you think
10:48Designer of toys
10:49With many small moving parts
10:50It's basically a choking hazard
10:53You better keep Pinocchio out of there
10:55That boy tells one lie
10:57This is honestly
10:59The best day of my entire life
11:00Right
11:01Well now let's check the anus
11:03Oh
11:03I don't need to do that
11:05Oh my god
11:06Oh my god
11:08Guys it only looks big
11:09This is my cajona
11:10It's so small
11:16I like your hair like this
11:17Thank you bubby
11:18It's gorgeous work
11:19Okay lovebirds
11:21Welcome to your wedding cake tasting
11:24Bon appetit
11:25I have been waiting for this day
11:27For longer than the actual wedding date
11:29Gosh
11:30You know cake is my everything
11:31Should we
11:32Yes
11:32Let's do it
11:33Mmm
11:35Mmm
11:36That is to die for
11:37The best
11:38Oh good
11:38Wow
11:38Thank you ladies
11:39Thank you
11:39It has been a privilege to bake
11:41For such a beautiful couple
11:44Oh my god
11:46But now for my favourite part
11:48The wedding cake toppers
11:50Oh my god
11:51I didn't sleep last night
11:52Okay first up
11:54We have the lovely Lisa
11:59Oh my god
12:01Oh my god
12:01Oh my god
12:02I love it
12:03And also
12:04Do you recognise
12:05That's your mum's wedding dress
12:06Baby did you do that for me
12:08I didn't do that
12:08Making this
12:09Yeah
12:09Was like carving
12:10The Venus de Milo
12:11Oh
12:13Thank you
12:14Oh my god
12:14Now
12:15Yes
12:15You're private
12:16I'm so nervous now
12:17Don't be nervous
12:18Yes I am
12:19We have Ursula
12:20What is this
12:22Why is it so heavy
12:23It's this thing made from lead
12:25This is hideous
12:27This thing is a hunchback of Notre Dame
12:30It should be living under a bridge
12:31And not be on top of a couch
12:33Look
12:33I think she looks beautiful
12:35There's nothing in this that looks like me
12:36Well
12:37This thing's got lopsided tits
12:39That's not me
12:39Hey
12:40I love your lopsided tits
12:42Look at the butt on this thing
12:43Kim Kardashian on this side
12:45Paris Hilton on this side
12:46It looks like a bulldog
12:47And a chihuahua trapped in a bag
12:49And why is this nose this size
12:51It's like half the face's nose
12:52And what is this white stuff in the front here
12:54Did a seagull shit on it
12:56Before he brought it out
12:57This is hideous
12:58Okay alright
12:59Now listen
12:59I've never once had a complaint
13:01Well allow me to be the first
13:03Now
13:03I have made a back up
13:04Would you like to see it
13:05Yeah
13:05Thanks
13:05Okay
13:06Fantastic
13:06I think you're going to like this one
13:07A little bit more
13:08Oh
13:09What do you think
13:11Of that
13:13We think
13:14That's you
13:16I wouldn't have thought so
13:17It's got the hat
13:18It's got the apron
13:18It's even holding
13:19Another little cake topper
13:21And it's a cake topper hand
13:22Would you look at that
13:24So is
13:26Let's just see
13:27What it looks like
13:29There
13:32I think we can work with this
13:34Are you trying to muscle in on my marriage
13:37Oh I see what's happening
13:38You want to steal my bride
13:39Take it
13:40Have it
13:41Live your lives
13:42And I will steal your cake
13:43You can't steal something
13:44You've already bought
13:50Oh babe
13:55I can see it now
13:58Enjoy each other
13:59We'll leave
14:06Did you guys watch the poo cruise
14:08Listen
14:12My heart
14:12When people say
14:13You should do a comedy cruise
14:14I would rather run full speed
14:16Into a fucking wood chipper
14:20Why would you risk going on a cruise
14:22When the possibility exists
14:23That a crew member
14:24Will hand you a bag
14:25And go
14:25Henceforth
14:26You'll be shitting in that
14:29No thanks
14:30I watched that poo cruise thing
14:32And even if you haven't watched it
14:33You can figure it out
14:34Poo cruise
14:36It's like you didn't have to watch
14:37Two girls one cup
14:38You just know it's gross
14:42The thing that disappointed me the most
14:44About that poo cruise documentary
14:46Is the fact that
14:47No one butch lesbian
14:49Took control of that ship
14:50And went
14:50Oi
14:51No one's shitting in a bag
14:52Okay
14:53We're all going to be shitting
14:54Over starboard
14:57If you need to go for a shit
14:59Just hang your ass
14:59Over the side of the ship
15:00It's a little trust exercise
15:02With your partner
15:03They will hold your hands
15:04As you're shitting
15:05Over the side of the ship
15:06And just watch your mouth
15:07Don't be saying stuff like
15:08You're just like your mother
15:12One of my biggest passions in life
15:14Is crime documentaries
15:17Who loves a good crime documentary
15:18Yes
15:19Do you hear how that's a lot of women
15:21I think
15:21It was even with me
15:23Like I am slowly planning
15:24The perfect murder
15:26I reckon I'm about this far away
15:28From nailing it
15:29I just need to figure out a way
15:30To get my mother-in-law
15:31To my house
15:32Without a paper trail
15:34To me
15:35I'm kidding
15:36She's dead
15:38Just to me
15:39She's still alive
15:40To other people
15:40She's dead to me
15:48I got a job
15:49Classic smash and grab
15:51Bank heist
15:51And to pull it off
15:52We need an elite team
15:54That's why I brought all you here
15:57Leo
15:58Best safe cracker in the game
16:00I get in
16:01I get out
16:03Like a ninja
16:03Like a ninja
16:06Barker
16:06Weapons specialist
16:07Anyone gets in my way
16:11I get in there's
16:12Wheels
16:14Getaway driver
16:16McCain brothers
16:18Muscle
16:19And lastly
16:21The brains of the operation
16:24This is Ursula
16:26Hello boys
16:27How's it going?
16:28Who the hell is this?
16:29I've never heard of no
16:30Ursula?
16:31Oh I'm the mastermind
16:32Of the operation
16:33Popcorn anyone?
16:34What makes you think
16:35You're the mastermind?
16:36Simple
16:36I've watched
16:37Every single
16:38True crime documentary
16:39Ever made
16:40So I know how to get away
16:41With every crime
16:42Bullshit
16:43You can't have seen them all
16:44I mean there's far too many
16:45Mate
16:45I'm a stay at home mum
16:47I watch it while I'm doing my chores
16:48Tell them what you know Urs
16:50I know how to rob banks
16:51And boost diamonds
16:52And swindle women on tinder
16:54I know how to lead cults
16:56And run pyramid schemes
16:57And kill people on staircases
16:58You name it
16:59I had to consult on the London job
17:01Didn't those guys get caught?
17:03Yeah but they wouldn't have
17:04If they'd used their left hands
17:05To write the ransom note
17:06Got that one from the jinx
17:08It's my favourite
17:08Ursula knows everything
17:10That's going to happen
17:11Before it even happens
17:12That's right
17:13I'll prove it
17:14Easy
17:15Usually on a hoist like this
17:17The day before
17:17One of the members
17:18Just up and leave
17:19Without explanation
17:20You know what?
17:20The hell with this
17:21I'm out of here
17:23Told ya
17:23And then someone in the team
17:25Will just turn up dead
17:29And the murderer
17:30Is usually someone
17:30You would least expect
17:31Like a male family member
17:33That was him
17:37God she's good
17:38Good?
17:39We just lost three of our men
17:40Who's going to be our muscle?
17:42Who's going to drive us?
17:43Bigger worry
17:43Who's the rat?
17:45Rat
17:46Not rat
17:46Well on a tight group like this
17:48One of you is normally a narc
17:49And in this group
17:50I'm going to say
17:57It's you
17:58What?
17:58Marker
17:59The saying isn't so
18:00I don't know what she's talking about
18:04He's a cop
18:05Really?
18:06That's not what it looks like
18:19Cover's blown
18:19Send backup
18:21Really Parker?
18:22How could you?
18:24I'm sorry
18:27I knew that was going to happen
18:28Right, so I'll kill the cop
18:30Any advice?
18:31Well
18:31Try not to leave any DNA at the scene
18:33And whatever you do
18:34Do not go on a true crime docker
18:36And accidentally confess
18:37It's so embarrassing
18:37Thanks Urs
18:38You're the best
18:39Watcha babe
18:41What are you doing Leo?
18:42Parker was my friend
18:44And my mother
18:45Oh yeah I forgot to say
18:46Usually I'm one of these things
18:47Someone always falls in love
18:49Why didn't you say something?
18:51Are you kidding?
18:52This is the best part
18:53Put your gun down Leo
18:55Put the gun down big dang
19:05My gosh
19:05Best crime and wine night ever
19:08It's pretty exciting
19:09God I could kill for a finger bang
19:11I'll tell you what
19:12One of these boys is still alive
19:13It'll be a whole different night
19:18Alright well I guess what we can take away from this is
19:21Make sure you get your checkups
19:23Go to the doctor
19:24Go talk to your doctor
19:25But also make sure it's not a creepy doctor
19:27That'll bring 40 people in to look at your clacker
19:30But I must go now
19:31Because I have to hop on a cruise
19:32So I can go join Fat Fuck Island
19:34You guys have been absolutely amazing
19:37Good night
19:41One second
19:42Get in the car
19:43He's getting in the car
19:44So he's freaking born
19:46Just one second
19:47Yeah Mike
19:48Here we go
19:49This is progress
19:50This is the slowest I've ever seen anyone
19:54Is he going to thank me for that?
19:55Where's my wave?
19:57And there it is
19:57He's waving
19:58No
19:58That was a hand on a mirror
20:02What kind of animal raised you
20:04That you don't give a wave?
20:05Do you know the danger you've put us in
20:06Now that I have to aggressively overtake you
20:08Just to flip you off?
20:09Wave!
20:10I'm going to get out of this car
20:11Rip your head off
20:12And shit down your lungs
20:13Stick your hand in the air
20:14No no you're alright guy
20:18You're alright
20:18Oh he's lovely
20:26Holy hell look at you
20:28Oh it's very lesbian central in here
20:32Look at all the lesbians in this room
20:34Holy shit
20:35I mean I know there's other people too
20:37But you know
20:38No no
20:38Welcome to the straight people
20:40I'm an ally
20:41Make some noise if you're heterosexual
20:43Yeah
20:45Put your hand down
20:46I'm an ally
20:47I'm an ally
20:48I am with you guys
20:49Both my parents are straight
20:50So I feel you in my heart
20:53Okay
20:54Listen
20:54It's tough for us too
20:56Okay
20:56We have to do our own research
20:57And I want you to know
20:58When I came out of the closet
20:59I was 26 years old
21:00This was back when Jesus was a boy
21:03And back then
21:04There were two
21:05There were the gays
21:07Who were the guys
21:08And then
21:09There were the lesbians
21:10Who were us
21:12And we had no work for each other
21:13We never talked
21:15We kept to ourselves
21:16And then one day
21:17The gays came up to us
21:18And they went
21:19Hey lesbians
21:20And we went
21:20What?
21:24And we took off our tool belts
21:28And then the gays said to the lesbians
21:29Hey lesbians
21:30Look at that
21:31And we're like
21:32What is that?
21:33And the gays went
21:34Those are bi's
21:36And we went
21:36Bi what?
21:37Bi now
21:38Gay later
21:40And you know what we did?
21:41Because we didn't understand
21:42What they were
21:43We didn't understand
21:44What bisexuality was
21:45So we went over to them
21:46And we went
21:47So
21:48Who do you guys do?
21:50And they explained it to us
21:52And we're like
21:52Alright
21:53Come on
21:53Let's start an alphabet
21:55This is a very
21:56Soft trigger for people
21:58People are like
21:58You know
21:59I don't understand
22:00The alphabet
22:00You know
22:01The alphabet
22:01Malfia
22:03Alphabet mafia
22:04You guys are taking
22:05The whole alphabet
22:06I go
22:06Yeah bitch
22:06We're coming for the numbers next
22:08Actually I just found out
22:09There is a number in there now
22:10There's two
22:11There's a number two in there
22:12I'm as surprised as you are
22:14Whenever I see
22:15I go
22:16Holy shit
22:16How many
22:17What?
22:18Why are all those letters there?
22:21Like
22:22I'm out of breath
22:23At the end of it
22:24And I have to think about
22:24I'm LGBTQIA plus
22:28Two
22:34Does your husband never get around
22:36To fixing that crooked shelf?
22:38Is your house falling apart?
22:40Because he never fixes
22:41What he says he'll fix
22:42Yes
22:44You need to hire a Les
22:46That's me
22:47As an animation
22:48Hi
22:49I'm Lesley Beyond
22:51CEO of Hira Les
22:52The largest and fastest growing
22:54All-female home maintenance company
22:55In the world
22:56We're also the only one
22:57Let's face it
22:58Your husband is terrible at DIY
23:00And he will get lost
23:01In your Bermuda triangle
23:02But not our
23:04Highly trained Lesbiterians
23:06They're great at both of those things
23:09Our services include
23:10But are not limited to
23:11Hinge repair
23:12Men's repair
23:12Painting
23:13Installing smoke detectors
23:14Fingering
23:14Repairing
23:14Drywall
23:15Fixing
23:15Baking
23:16Plumbing
23:16Hammering
23:16And slow down
23:17Swaying
23:17To constant craving
23:18By Katie Lang
23:19But don't just take my word for it
23:21Listen to all these satisfied customers
23:23She was thorough
23:25Very thorough
23:26Oh my god
23:27Oh my god
23:28So thorough
23:32Hire a lesbian ruined my life
23:36House looks great though
23:38Hire a Les today
23:40Satisfaction guarantee
23:43Ernie
23:43Can I come back in?
23:45Are you guys watching the cricket?
23:48She was a regular woman
23:51Delt a life altering diagnosis
23:53You've contracted early onset Karen
23:56This is the life of a Karen
23:59Our Karen now finds herself here
24:01The Karen Clinic
24:04This is perfect for you
24:05Is it?
24:06Yeah they've got Fox News running all day
24:08It is freezing in here
24:10Well hello ladies
24:11Welcome to the Karen Clinic
24:13How can I help you today?
24:14I'd like you to explain
24:15What's colder than what you said in here
24:17It's my auntie
24:18She's been diagnosed with early onset Karen
24:20I understand
24:21We have a lot of ladies like her here
24:23The doctor says it's terminal
24:24And I really want to take care of her myself
24:26It's just been really hard
24:27You're doing a fantastic job
24:29Well done
24:29It's not easy
24:30Hi
24:31I'm Dr. Madison Emerson Addison
24:33What a horrible name
24:34Poor bitch
24:35How do you feel about a little look around?
24:38What we're finding is
24:39These days more and more of our loved ones
24:40Are becoming Karens
24:41That's why we built this amazing
24:43State of the art facility
24:44So these middle aged white women
24:46Have somewhere to go
24:47To complain
24:47And argue
24:48And just be angry
24:50Free range
24:51Hey
24:52Why are you so loud?
24:53You're causing noise pollution
24:54Sorry this is frightful women
24:56I'm going to phone the council
24:57This is nonsense
24:58Yeah I've got someone here
24:59With a terrible haircut
25:00And a moose knuckle
25:01I'm filming you
25:02I'm watching you
25:03This is going on the internet
25:03I have to get off the phone
25:05I need to record something
25:06Don't worry about it
25:07We have expert staff
25:09That intercept every call
25:10On the property
25:10This is our telephone interception reception
25:14Where we take all of our calls
25:15These guys will role play
25:16Any complaint line
25:17From local council
25:18To police
25:19To the shopping centre
25:21Hello this is your husband speaking
25:24I'm an arsehole
25:25Tell me more
25:26This is incredible
25:27What do you think?
25:28Listen I found your secret stash
25:30Of Kit Kats in the garage
25:31You filthy truffle pig
25:32Yes I am a truffle pig
25:33I'm putting you back on the 5-2 diet
25:35I know it's good for your house
25:36I'll get a salad next time
25:38You're just like your father
25:39She is doing really well
25:41What I'm most proud of
25:44Is our rehabilitation program
25:46Alright
25:47Everybody ready?
25:50A young person
25:51On a bike
25:52On the grass
25:53How does this make you feel?
25:54I'm fine
25:57A jeep
25:58Parking too close
26:01To your RAV4
26:02No
26:03No
26:04Big
26:05Deal
26:08Your niece turning up
26:09To a Christmas lunch
26:10With her
26:11Twosies hanging out
26:12Oh
26:13Cut
26:15Yes
26:15It's a family event
26:16Put some clothes on
26:17We can see what you have
26:17For breakfast
26:18That is inappropriate
26:19Okay
26:20That is inappropriate
26:20Ted's
26:21No one else is dressed like that
26:22The mum's got
26:23It's Christmas
26:24It's inappropriate
26:24It's inappropriate
26:25You can see her breasts
26:26That is inappropriate
26:26Warning
26:27Here
26:29Not again
26:29It's inappropriate
26:30No no no
26:31In with the breath
26:34Out with needing to see the manager
26:40I really don't know
26:41If I'm ready to let her go
26:42Like what if she hates it here
26:43Well then she'll complain
26:45That should really cheer her up
26:47Look
26:48She's already settling in
26:50Thank you doctor
26:52Of course
26:57Do you know what I find fascinating
26:59The female form
27:01The woman's body
27:02Is just such a mysterious place
27:04Isn't it
27:04And I think when you talk to men
27:05It just really brings home
27:07How little you fucking know
27:08About stuff
27:09I talk to my brother
27:10And some of my male friends
27:12Very little
27:12But I do
27:13And I say to them
27:14What do you know
27:15About the female form
27:16And they go
27:16It can grow a baby
27:17And it gets very aggressive
27:21When it gets its period
27:23I've got news for you boys
27:24Wait till it stops
27:28You might get five minutes
27:29A day of clarity
27:31And the rest of the time
27:32Is fuck you time
27:35Okay
27:35But at least
27:36At least science is on board
27:37And they've provided us
27:39With HRT patches
27:40Are you familiar with HRT patches?
27:42Yes
27:42So you get this little patch
27:44And it's got estrogen
27:44You put it on you
27:45And then when someone
27:46Comes up to you
27:47And they say some unnecessary shit
27:48Or they look at you
27:50Or you know
27:50They breathe
27:53And then that patch goes
27:54Oh no
27:55She needs estrogen
27:55Give it to her now
27:57Sometimes it's not enough
27:59And you have to rip it off
27:59And chew it a bit
28:02But then
28:03We're at the nightmare
28:05Where globally
28:06There was an HRT shortage
28:07Last year
28:08Where we could not
28:08Get the patches
28:09Only women my age
28:11And up
28:11Knew
28:12How many times a day
28:13Your life was in danger
28:15I go to my doctor
28:17I go
28:17Do we have patches yet?
28:18Is it back?
28:20And she goes
28:21No
28:21But I do have Viagra
28:25Wouldn't you take Viagra
28:26If Viagra couldn't tell
28:28The difference
28:28Between a penis
28:29And a breast
28:30Wouldn't you?
28:31If you go
28:32You know what
28:32I'm going out on Saturday
28:33I don't want to wear a bra
28:36And then you pop
28:37Two Viagras
28:38And both your tits
28:39Just
28:40Yeah of course
28:41Once you're over the age of 50
28:42You walk into a room
28:43Like you're in a zombie film
28:56Morning detective
28:58So
28:58I hate you've got yourself
29:00A new partner
29:00Yeah
29:00Some hotshot from the city
29:02Detective Biggs or something
29:03The detective
29:05She brought down the media's cocktail
29:07It says she's brilliant
29:08But unconventional
29:10Much like those guys
29:11That's the truth
29:11Move nut sack
29:12Shit
29:13Sorry
29:13You must be Detective Biggs
29:14And you must be in my way
29:21I'm giving you batteries
29:22My neck fan
29:22I'm melting over here
29:23You're sweating
29:24It's like 3 degrees Celsius
29:25Yes
29:26It's scorched today
29:27Sister's a male
29:28Thank Christ
29:2932 years old
29:30Time of death
29:3111.30pm last night
29:32Looks to be death by a sharp object
29:34Copy that axe
29:38Well well well
29:39The only thing sharper than this axe
29:40Is you
29:40Detective
29:41Obvious
29:41Must have been top of your class
29:43At police college eh
29:45Hmm
29:46Washing shoulder
29:46That's weird
29:49Typical
29:49At this stage
29:50Motive remains unclear
29:51Is it?
29:53You got a theory?
29:54Yeah
29:55Maybe one or two
29:55Maybe
29:56The victim
29:57Was really fucking annoying
29:58And just kept droning on
30:00And on and on
30:01It's hardly a motive for murder
30:03Oh it is
30:03It just doesn't make any sense
30:04Look I know it must be hard
30:05To multitask
30:06What with breathing
30:07Blinking and keeping your mouth shut
30:08But there was clearly a struggle
30:09And with another man
30:10You can't know that
30:11There's no DNA evidence
30:12Oh there's DNA evidence
30:14Look at this
30:14A whole pile of washing
30:15Folded but not packed away
30:16Only a man would get this
30:18Deep into a task
30:18And not complete
30:19The towel on the door
30:20This is not where it goes
30:21It's supposed to be in the bathroom
30:22Only a man would hang in here
30:24And go this is helpful
30:25My god
30:27You smell that?
30:29Oh yeah
30:29Fresh skid marks
30:30Just as I suspected
30:32Someone's had a poop
30:33And didn't use the brush
30:33And then they just put the fan on
30:35And didn't spray
30:36You need to spray
30:37If you don't spray
30:38You can literally
30:39Taste the shit
30:40In this bathroom
30:41Classic male behavior
30:42Wow
30:43Stop breathing
30:45Can you hear that?
30:46Someone's breathing like a fog
30:47And it's getting on my tits so bad
30:50The killer's still here
30:51They can't be
30:52We searched the whole house
30:53There's no one here
30:59There he is
31:00Come and get him boys
31:01Let me guess
31:02You had a bit of a man look
31:06That was beautiful to watch
31:07I bet you like to watch
31:09Maybe
31:10Want to go for a drink sometime?
31:12Me and you?
31:13Yeah
31:13No thanks
31:15As soon as you asked me
31:16My vagina's just going
31:17My god she's got
31:28Optimize your life
31:29Hello everyone
31:30And welcome back
31:31To Optimize Your Life
31:32Now last episode
31:33I was lucky enough
31:34To interview the author
31:35Of The Let Them Theory
31:37Incredible interview
31:37Check it out
31:38If you haven't already
31:39But that book
31:40Has already sparked
31:40A new wave
31:41Of self-help books
31:42And my next guest
31:43Is the latest to jump
31:44On that craze
31:45Is Isla Carlson
31:46Am I saying that right?
31:47Carlson?
31:47Yeah
31:48Welcome to the show
31:48Thank you so much
31:49For sharing space with me
31:50And giving us
31:51Some of your wisdom
31:53Can I just say
31:54That I think
31:55Self-help books
31:56Are bullshit
31:56Sorry
31:57You can just sit back
31:57From the mic
31:58You can just sit
31:58Naturally like that
31:59And it picks it up
31:59So your book
32:00Was inspired
32:01By The Let Them Theory
32:02Wasn't it?
32:03If by inspired
32:04You mean
32:04Hated every moment of it
32:06Yeah
32:06Okay
32:07Can you
32:08Speak to that?
32:09I'm saying
32:10The Let Them Theory
32:11Is putting a bitch back
32:13By about 90 years
32:14Because we've been
32:15Training these junior bitches up
32:16Saying hey
32:18Stand up for yourself
32:19Now this book goes
32:20No
32:20Someone's mean to you
32:21Let them
32:22Your kids are out of control
32:23Let them
32:24At work
32:24They're being suck asses
32:25Let them
32:26Let them
32:26Let them
32:27Let them
32:27I'm not about that life
32:28Wow
32:29Fascinating
32:30Fascinating
32:30Now tell us about your book
32:31What is it called?
32:32My book is called
32:33Headbutt
32:34A Motherfucker
32:35In the Mouth
32:36Yeah
32:36Okay
32:37There is an evocative title
32:38Isn't it?
32:38And let is not in there
32:40No it's not
32:40Wow
32:40Can I?
32:41Yeah
32:41A little hold of that
32:43There she is
32:44Break down the theory for us
32:45How does it work?
32:46Well it's quite simple
32:47You're out
32:48You identify
32:49A mofo
32:50In the wild
32:51And you headbutt them
32:51Right in their stupid mouth
32:52So give me some examples then
32:54Of how I could implement
32:55The H-A-M-F-I-T-M
32:57Theory
32:58In my day to day life
32:59You're in a coffee shop
33:00The person in front of you
33:01Takes ages to order
33:02There's a queue behind
33:03Okay
33:03Right
33:03So now you've identified them
33:05As a mofo
33:06Just pull your head right back
33:08And you headbutt them
33:09Straight in their mouth
33:09Wow
33:10You know
33:10It's provocative
33:11But yet very simple
33:13This must have taken you
33:14Quite a long time
33:15To write
33:15Yeah
33:16A better part of three hours
33:17Three hours
33:17A day
33:18I mean
33:18No no
33:19Three hours
33:19I mean
33:21There's 182 pages of photos
33:23Just of all the motherfuckers
33:24That I've headbutted
33:25In the mouth
33:26Can we break down
33:27This moment here
33:28Oh that's Crystal
33:29That's my neighbour
33:29Crystal and her dog
33:30Otto
33:30I had to headbutt her
33:32In the mouth
33:32Because she kept putting
33:33Shitty nappies in my bin
33:35And I think the thing
33:36That made me so angry
33:37Is she doesn't have a kid
33:38Now Isala
33:39I obviously didn't want
33:40To bring this up
33:41But you will be aware
33:42Obviously that
33:42The London based writer
33:44Harriet Twipple
33:44Has made claims
33:45That you have
33:46Stolen her idea
33:47From her book
33:48Flick a bitch
33:49On the tits
33:50Do you want to
33:51Respond to that
33:52No I don't
33:53Because I clearly didn't
33:54One is about
33:54Flicking tits
33:55So it's not the same
33:56So you denied
33:57That you were inspired
33:58You and Harriet
34:00Can eat my arsehole
34:01Well I'm just starting to feel
34:02A lot of aggression
34:03Coming my way
34:03So I'm just going to
34:04Wrap us up
34:05It's been another
34:05Fascinating episode
34:06Of Optimise Your Life
34:08Can I just have my book
34:09Back
34:09You can have your book
34:10Oh my god
34:12Oh
34:12Oh
34:13Oh
34:16Optimise your life
34:18Um I don't know
34:19How to tell you guys
34:20This is why I'm single
34:21Now
34:21I know
34:22I know
34:23I know
34:24Some of you
34:25Would have been following
34:26Me for a while
34:26And go
34:26I thought she was married
34:28I was
34:29But I found a way out
34:34Turns out
34:34It's not a hostage situation
34:36You can leave
34:37It costs slightly more
34:39Than the wedding
34:40But fuck
34:41Is it worth that
34:42But you know what
34:43Because we're lesbians
34:44So we're still best friends
34:45Right
34:46We actually still lived together
34:47For a few years
34:48And then we finally got divorced
34:49And I did repartner
34:50But I had to
34:51Break up with her
34:53Because
34:53You know what
34:54She's one of those
34:55People who like to
34:56Shower together
34:57And I don't like that
34:59I don't like that at all
35:01I tell you what
35:02Apart from the fact
35:03That you don't wash your arsehole
35:04The way you're supposed to
35:05When you're in the shower
35:05With someone
35:06Well you don't
35:07You're in there with someone
35:08You just take half a squirt of a shower
35:09And that's it
35:11When you're in there by yourself
35:16You've got to wash that thing properly
35:18Goes through a lot of shit
35:21But also
35:21I didn't want to be with her anymore
35:23Because of the shower thing
35:24Because I've got a little
35:25Corner shower
35:25You know one of those
35:26Little triangular ones
35:27With the curved doors
35:28That when you open it
35:29It only opens that wide
35:30I need to run up in a parade
35:32To get into that shower
35:33In the first place
35:34And it's got a dome on it
35:35To keep the moisture in
35:36Because if you don't
35:37I live in Auckland
35:38You can hear
35:38Your clothes moulding
35:40In the covers
35:40I'm like no
35:42And I was there
35:42The day the guy put it in
35:44It said shower for one person
35:46So we're already
35:47Breaking the rules
35:48With the two of us
35:48Being in there
35:49And it wouldn't be so bad
35:51But she's one of those
35:52Annoying adults
35:53Who like to wash her feet
35:54And you don't need
35:55To wash your feet
35:56You're an adult
35:57What are you running
35:58Barefoot through the paddock
35:59You're fine
36:00Just squirt a bit of shower gel
36:01On the one foot
36:01And the other foot
36:02Can do that and that
36:04But no
36:04She's up there
36:05Lathering up a face cloth
36:06Really so how was your day
36:09Oh so you enjoy that
36:11Guess what's happening with me
36:12While she's doing that
36:15I'm plastered against
36:17That curved door
36:18And because it's curved
36:19The one tit is up here
36:21And the other tit is down here
36:22And my possum
36:23Is trying to escape
36:24Through the crack in the door
36:27You know what's my biggest worry
36:29Because I have children
36:29So you know one of them
36:31Is going to come in
36:31And ask me something stupid
36:33Like do bunnies have knees
36:34And then they see me
36:36And they
36:36I can't believe you're 49
36:40How was your birthday
36:41No I told you
36:42I had the best birthday ever
36:44And your cheeky prezzies
36:45The best
36:46I got the best prezzies
36:47And then I got this invite
36:48To what I assume is an orgy
36:50I can't really put my finger on it
36:52In a church or something
36:53Oh you saucy mix
36:54Tell you what
36:55They say 49
36:56I say 45
36:58We are here today
36:59To warn the loss
37:00Of Ursula Carson's cougar ears
37:02What the hell
37:03This looks like a terrible orgy
37:05I've been coerced
37:07Listen
37:08Like so many horny women before her
37:10Ursula became a cougar
37:12On her 40th birthday
37:13When she entered her sexual prime
37:15But today on her 49th birthday
37:17That cougar is officially deceased
37:19And she's now just some
37:21Invisible middle aged lady
37:22Taking up space
37:23In a post office machine
37:26Let's hear from some loved ones
37:29Hi I'm Jill
37:30I walked up with Ursula last year
37:32I'm really glad I got in
37:33Just in time
37:34Right before she passed over
37:35To the other side
37:37Of middle age
37:39And I should have seen the signs
37:40Because right after we did it
37:43She offered me a boiled sweet
37:44I'm sorry I can't
37:45Because I was seething on your throat
37:47Hey I don't think we need to
37:48Listen to anyone else
37:49I've always found Ursula very sexy
37:51And I'll go let's hear this one out
37:53I'd see her walking down the street sometimes
37:55And as much as I hate to see her go
37:57I love to watch her leave
38:00You know what I mean
38:01Yeah
38:02But now she's a 49 year old crone
38:04Now when I see her walking down the street
38:06I just worry
38:07She's gonna have a fall
38:08You're not gonna have a fall
38:09I'm still spory as hell
38:13I mean fuck you but thank you
38:15Join us now as we farewell
38:17Ursula's sexy underwear
38:21Hey that one actually still fit
38:23My favourite nipple rings
38:25My mum left me those in her will
38:26And now the ceremonial transition
38:28To more age appropriate undergarments
38:30Nominate patria
38:31Wangerie
38:32Secus
38:32Alice is a parachute
38:34Why do they already smell like potpourri?
38:37Hey
38:37Guys
38:39I'm 49
38:39But I'm still hot
38:41Hot flashes don't count
38:42I'm a swinger
38:43Yeah a mood swinger
38:44No I'm still adventurous
38:46Like eating dinner after 5pm
38:48Hey zip your slit
38:49What I'm saying is
38:50I'm still a cougar
38:51And I'll prove it
38:52I will shag any one of you
38:54Right now
38:54Right here
38:55Who wants some of it
38:56Come on
38:56Here
38:57How about you
38:58Hang
38:58How about you father
39:00You wanna
39:00It must be lonely in that monastery
39:02It's so sad
39:03I just wanna let go
39:04Ashes to ashes
39:06Dust to dust
39:07Purky boobs
39:07To saggy dust
39:09We will remember her
39:10Okay so now that I turn 49
39:12None of you wanna do me anymore
39:13Oh no
39:14No honey
39:15That's just the end of your cougar years
39:17You've got a much more exciting era ahead of you
39:20What's that?
39:21Welcome Ursula Carlson to your
39:23GILF era
39:25GILF eh?
39:26Mmhmm
39:27And who are these?
39:28Granny cases
39:30I can work with that
39:32Ladies
39:34Ow
39:36Anyway since we've started filming this
39:38I just got some word that
39:39The LGBTQIA
39:41We've added three letters
39:42In this 27 minutes
39:44And an exclamation mark
39:46And the exclamation mark
39:47Is just for people who are sick of everyone's shit
39:49So if you identify as an exclamation mark
39:52There we go
39:53We've got a brand new member in the front here
39:54We'll add you to the email group
39:56Thank you
39:57You have been amazing
39:58Good night
39:59You are looking gorgeous
40:01Thank you
40:02Mm
40:02Feeling it
40:03Hello
40:04Got a little hair on your shirt
40:05I just cracked up
40:12Oh my god
40:13That's no stray
40:15That sucker's attached
40:16To my tit
40:17It's breached the shirt
40:19That is amazing
40:20And disgusting
40:22Why is it so long?
40:23Well we're gonna need more than those spaghetti arms sweetie
40:26Just fuck it
40:27Just fuck it
40:29Can I get a hand?
40:33Oh
40:36Oh
40:42Oh
40:43Oh
40:43Oh
40:43Oh
40:46This ago I've got another one
40:54Oh stop it
40:57How are you?
41:01Yes
41:01Can I just say
41:04How impressed I am
41:05With us as a people
41:06That this year
41:08Has been the year of the tit
41:10Like it has been such a strong year for tits
41:12Like I have signed more boobs this year
41:14Than I have any other time in my entire career
41:17And some of them were even on women
41:21Thank you Jesus
41:22That I'm a lesbian
41:23That I can enjoy these little delights in life
41:26I mean that's not the only reason
41:28That I'm so happy
41:29That I'm a lesbian
41:29And an interwoman
41:30Because you know
41:31I look at straight people
41:32And I go
41:32You poor bastards
41:33You have no idea
41:35Gay couples
41:35That makes sense to me
41:36You're on even par
41:37But these couples
41:38What is
41:40You poor bastards
41:42Like cause men aren't ready
41:43You know women
41:44Our natural talent
41:45Is to argue
41:45That is our gift
41:46That Jesus gave us
41:47He gave us a memory
41:49And a fucking storage tank
41:51That can hold
41:51All the shit
41:52Your partner
41:53Has ever done
41:55We even take notes
41:56When his mum goes
41:57You know
41:57He used to be real naughty
41:58As a boy
41:58He goes
41:58Save that
42:00I can pull that back up later
42:02But men
42:02You're just not equipped
42:04Like I see
42:04When I see
42:05Straight couples fight
42:06It's like
42:06You know when you see
42:07A little boy
42:08Like a four year old
42:08Race his dad
42:09Dad usually
42:10At the end
42:11Just go
42:11And beats him
42:12And the boy's devastated
42:14Yeah
42:14That's straight couples
42:17You think you can
42:18Call some shit out
42:18Oh you saw her
42:19Coffee cup in the lounge
42:20And anything
42:21Don't worry
42:22I've taken your cup
42:23To the kitchen
42:23For you
42:26You want to talk
42:27About the cup
42:28In the lounge
42:29Cause I've been meaning
42:30To talk to you
42:32About the giant blobs
42:34Of toothpaste
42:34In the sink
42:36After you've brushed
42:37Your teeth
42:37That's why
42:38She doesn't kiss you
42:39Anymore
42:39You know
42:40When you get to
42:41A part in your relationship
42:42You go
42:42We're never pash anymore
42:43Remember how
42:44We used to
42:46Why don't we
42:47Ever do that anymore
42:47It's like
42:48Cause motherfucker
42:48I don't know
42:49How you brush your teeth
42:54Great dinner babe
42:56Well
42:56It was teamwork
42:57But a chicken
43:01Did you rinse that?
43:02Huh?
43:03Did you rinse that?
43:04Did you see me rinse it?
43:05You know you're supposed
43:05To rinse it
43:06Before you put in the dishwasher
43:07Otherwise you're gonna
43:07Clog the dish valve
43:08I've told you this
43:09Don't snap at me
43:10Well I've told you this
43:11Like a dozen times
43:12But you never listen
43:13What do you think
43:14Happens?
43:14It just magically
43:15Washes itself
43:15I mean how hard
43:17Is it to rinse plates?
43:18I'm gonna argue
43:18With you Timothy
43:19Yeah well
43:20I do have a gale
43:22I need you to know
43:23That women take arguing
43:25Very
43:25Very seriously
43:27So I need you
43:28To ask yourself
43:29Are you ready
43:30To argue
43:31With a woman?
43:33Yeah
43:35Okay
43:38Wait
43:38What's that?
43:39Timothy
43:39You had your chance
43:40To pull out
43:41To pull out
43:42And you didn't
43:422019
43:432015
43:44Here we go
43:45Christmas Day
43:472012
43:48You had a good old look
43:50At my sister's tits
43:51While she was cutting up food
43:53How is that relevant?
43:54No I didn't
43:55Yeah you did
43:55She was wearing a loose linen top
43:57And as she leaned forward
43:58It presented an opportunity
44:00And you stared directly
44:01At her ample bosom
44:03I might have glanced
44:05Let's
44:06We'll do the tape
44:07Shall we?
44:10Look at that
44:12Direct
44:14I've never seen you
44:15That focused on your entire life
44:16I was just looking at the sourdough
44:17Like her slicing technique
44:19All this
44:19It's fascinating
44:20Oh that's interesting
44:22Let's have a look at this
44:23Same year
44:23New Year's Eve
44:2511.43pm
44:26You were overheard
44:27Talking to our neighbour James
44:29About my sister's tits
44:30No
44:31Wouldn't the court stenographer
44:32Please read those comments
44:33Back to us
44:36James
44:37Can you pass me
44:37One of those cans of beer
44:38Timothy
44:39Sure can
44:40Hey speaking of cans
44:41You know who's got
44:41Some really great cans
44:42Alright that's an admissible
44:43The court would like to call
44:45Witness 13C
44:46To the stand please
44:47Talk us through
44:49What you witnessed
44:49Did you see anyone
44:51Making any gestures
44:52With their hands
44:53On the night?
44:54I believe it was something like
44:55Honk honk
44:57Oh
44:57And is the person who went
44:59Honk honk
45:00In court here today with us?
45:02Yes
45:03It was him
45:04Alright you win
45:05I'm sorry I give up
45:06No more questions Your Honour
45:07I find the defendant guilty
45:08On three counts of dead shittery
45:10And all counts
45:11On being a purge
45:13Thank you Your Honour
45:15This is fun
45:16We should cook together more often
45:17I love it
45:21Aww
45:21You should call a plumber
45:23That valve's going to be
45:24Super clogged
45:31It's this one
45:32It's recycling
45:32We've been through this
45:33No no no
45:34Daylight savings
45:35The contents of the bin changed
45:36What?
45:37Where did you read that?
45:38Oh here she is
45:39It's hire a lesbian
45:39Perfect
45:40Hello there
45:42Thanks for coming
45:42Hire a lesbian
45:44Hi
45:44Call me Lesley
45:46I'm your friendly
45:47Neighbourhood hire a les consultant
45:48Trust me to do the jobs
45:50Your hopeless husband can't
45:51I'm glad you're here
45:52My ears are starting to ring
45:53After all the nagging
45:54Yep yep yep
45:55This one
45:55How about you leave
45:57All the joking to me pal
45:58Hey
45:58And everything else
46:00So what I'm going to do
46:01I'm going to start off
46:02By mowing your lawn
46:03Yeah
46:03Now I'm going to cut your grass
46:06Wonderful
46:06And then I'm going to
46:07Clean out your chimney
46:08Get all those cobwebs
46:09Right out
46:09Yeah so she's ready
46:11To burn
46:11God
46:12Do you know what I mean?
46:16He doesn't know
46:17I take a lot of time
46:18But a good time
46:19A thorough time
46:20Yeah
46:21That could be good
46:22Right honey?
46:23Yeah I could be into that
46:27Don't know why you do that
46:31It's good to get the meals
46:34That just seems inefficient
46:36Impressive
46:36Yeah we love this
46:38I love this
46:39Would you like some tea?
46:40What?
46:41Would you like some tea?
46:42No I don't like you
46:43I'm going to get you some tea
46:47There she goes
46:49Hammering away
46:49Good on her
46:50How do you take your tea?
46:52Harder
46:53Harder
46:53Harder
46:54Don't know what that means
46:55Do you take milk?
46:57Yes
46:57Yes
46:58Yes
46:58Okay
46:59Heard you the first time
47:00Yes
47:01Yes
47:01Yes
47:02It's going in so deep
47:03Oh my god
47:04What's going on in here?
47:06Oh
47:07Some people call it carpentry
47:08They call it foreplay
47:10Foreplay?
47:11I know about foreplay
47:12From the hardware store
47:131200 long
47:14With a laminated back
47:15Foreplay?
47:16He don't bother
47:17He doesn't get it
47:17He never has
47:19Okay I'll
47:21Just leave these here?
47:21Yeah just leave them
47:23Door open or closed?
47:24Open
47:24We don't care
47:25Bye bye bye bye
47:27Wait wait wait
47:27Okay
47:28So you want to
47:29You want to go in
47:30Real deep
47:31But slow and steady
47:33But keep your pace
47:34All I want to say
47:35Is the only thing
47:36That we should take
47:37From men
47:38Are your toilets
47:40We're going to take
47:40Your toilets
47:41Because even right now
47:42As you're sitting here
47:42The women are already
47:43Starting to stress
47:44Because they need to
47:45Go to the toilet
47:45And you know
47:46We have to line up
47:46To use the toilet
47:47Like we're farm animals
47:49And I'm like
47:50Why are we struggling?
47:51We need to take
47:52The men's toilets
47:52We need to take it off them
47:54You boys can just
47:55Piss in the street
47:55Like you do anyway
47:57There's not one person
47:58In here
47:58Who's not stumbled
47:59Down an alleyway
48:00And saw some
48:01Random two o'clock
48:02In the morning dick
48:03Right
48:03You guys can just
48:05Go piss down a drain
48:06Or piss in a bottle
48:06Or piss in anything
48:07You can literally
48:08Piss in anything
48:08We know you can't
48:10Do it in the toilets
48:10Flatterfree
48:13So what we're going to do
48:14Is we will
48:15Take your toilets
48:16And ladies
48:16I'm putting a urinal
48:17In for us
48:18Like a trough
48:20Because of course
48:21It's the only way
48:22We can do it
48:22We can't be standing
48:23Against the wall
48:24So we go in
48:25And you just kind of
48:25Climb over that thing
48:29I mean obviously
48:30We all have to face
48:31The same way
48:32You can't get one
48:34Over eager lesbian
48:35Coming in
48:35Going
48:36Don't mind if I do
48:38No Leslie
48:39No
48:40But guys
48:41You've got to
48:41Help a bitch out
48:42Because you know
48:43We go through a lot
48:44When we have to line up
48:45That's why women
48:46Are always closer than men
48:47We're easier to talk
48:48To each other
48:48Because we practice
48:49When we're standing
48:49In the queue
48:50To use the toilet
48:51Because we're all
48:52Standing there
48:53Waiting for our turn
48:54To hold the door
48:56We just shuffle on
48:58Little bits by little bits
48:59When our tits
49:00Are touching her back
49:01Because you've got to
49:01Keep it tight
49:02And all the men
49:03Are just
49:05And that is why
49:06We need our own urinals
49:07And we are coming
49:08To take them from you
49:31How long have you guys been waiting?
49:32I don't remember
49:40Oh that's some bullshit
49:46Hey what's it like in that?
49:47Is there soap?
49:48What's the toilet paper like?
49:49It's
49:49It's one ply
49:52And there's only two cubicles
49:53For all of us
49:54Oh stop
49:55Fair
49:55No
49:56No
49:57This can't be
49:58My molars are floating
49:59In my head
50:00I need to piss right now
50:01My tena is to the brim
50:03This is bullshit
50:07Why must we be treated
50:08Like second class citizens?
50:10We are human too
50:11We deserve to piss freely
50:12Like the men do
50:13If you cut us
50:14Do we not bleed?
50:15If we are busting
50:16Do we not piss?
50:17I piss
50:17I don't know about you ladies
50:19But I can't stand idly by
50:20While men can just go toilet
50:22Wherever and whenever
50:23Their tiny little dicks want to go
50:25Hell yeah
50:26They don't have to queue
50:27They don't have to wipe
50:28They don't even wash their hands
50:30They don't even really need a toilet
50:31They can piss wherever they like
50:32I've seen a guy piss in a coke bottle
50:34I've seen a guy piss out of a window
50:35Have you ever pissed out of a window?
50:37No
50:37Because you're not a goddamn animal
50:38What can we do?
50:39We can fight back
50:40That's what we're going to do
50:41We're going to take their toilets from them
50:43Women pissing in the men's room
50:45I've heard about girls who do that
50:46But I always thought it was just a myth
50:48If they want us to work like men
50:50And repress our feelings like men
50:52Then by God we shall piss like men
50:55Out of the trenches and into the trough
50:57Out of the trenches and into the trough
50:59Out of the trenches and into the trough
51:00Out of the trenches and into the trough
51:02Yeah
51:28You made a murder board of all the possible suspects
51:31This is my wish I could murder board
51:33Murder board for the cases over there
51:36Getting into the mind of a killer
51:38Brilliant
51:40I don't need to get in
51:41To the mind of a killer
51:43I understand the desire
51:45To kill
51:46On such a deep
51:47Cellular level
51:48That it scares the shit out of me
51:50And it should make your piss
51:52Run the ice cold
51:56There's a
51:57Lot of photos on that
51:58Fantasy murder board
52:00What did they all do?
52:01That was so bad
52:02This one here
52:02Didn't thank me
52:04When I let him into traffic
52:05This guy here
52:06Three and a half minutes
52:07Of a monologue
52:08At a dinner party
52:09Drove me nuts
52:10This guy
52:11Stood in front of me
52:12At the supermarket
52:12And he was just doing
52:14This weird little dancing
52:15Like that
52:16Like that
52:16And every time he did that
52:18He'd miss his opportunity
52:19To move ahead in the queue
52:20And I had to gently remind him
52:21By ramming his ankles
52:22On my f***ing trolley
52:23So frustrating
52:25Yes, that's pretty bad
52:26Bad?
52:27It's evil
52:28I would kill them
52:29If it wasn't illegal
52:30Or if I knew I could get away with it
52:35Wait
52:36Wait, is that a furrow of me?
52:41You're appreciative
52:42Thanks
52:42Did you file that affidavit
52:43I gave you this morning?
52:44Oh no, it's been quite busy
52:45Out on the front desk
52:46I'm losing the will to live
52:47It was a yes or no question
52:49No
52:51In that case
53:00I can't sort that out now
53:03Do you think that was a bit harsh?
53:04Maybe you'd need to take
53:05The rest of the day off
53:06Just to calm down
53:08Calm down
53:09Mate
53:10I'm calm
53:11I'm as calm as they come
53:12Trust me
53:14You've not seen karma
53:15In your entire life
53:16I showed up calm
53:17Who?
53:18I'm calm
53:19As all hell
53:21No, no, no
53:23No
53:23Damn it
53:25Oh my lucky
53:27Calm down
53:32I'm calm
53:34I'm calm
53:38Woo
53:53I said you weren't, detective
53:55You were right
53:57You did calm me down a little bit
53:59I'm going to go for lunch.
54:00How about you clean up this mess before I get back
54:02and no one gets hurt, hey?
54:07It's a blast to us.
54:11Hi, I can see your age in this room.
54:13I can sort of get a vibe for you.
54:15And do you remember, oh, not you two,
54:16but do you remember how we used to dance in the 80s and 90s?
54:20Do you remember going to the club and we'd all be done?
54:25Do you know why we had to dance like that?
54:26Because deodorant only lasted for three hours.
54:29You couldn't be chucking your arms in the air.
54:31People would pass out.
54:32But then the deodorant companies came to the party.
54:34They go, we'll give you six hours.
54:36Then we'd start dancing with the fingers like...
54:39Then the deodorant companies went even longer.
54:42Now it's 24 and 48.
54:44There's a deodorant on the market right now that's 72 hours.
54:47What, are you trapped in a mine?
54:50Who needs 72 hours?
54:52In a 24-hour cycle, you've got to put your ass in water.
54:57You've got to be fresh.
54:58You've got to get in there and scrub everywhere.
55:01Like, and I mean everywhere.
55:02Don't just rub your hand around with a bit of shower gel.
55:06Get a loofah, lather that bitch up and get involved.
55:09And wash everywhere.
55:12I mean, if you don't want to put the loofah on your asshole, that's fine.
55:15You do the shower gel and check that the foam comes out clean, you know.
55:20I know, I can hear you know how to wash your asshole.
55:22I didn't have to explain that to you.
55:25Also, you've got to be fresh.
55:27I'm telling you now.
55:28You've got to be fresh all the time.
55:30Because if you're not, when you stink, you make the rest of us paranoid.
55:34It doesn't matter how fresh I am.
55:36If you are not fresh, you walk past me and...
55:40Fuck, is that me?
55:42I start questioning myself like I've never met me.
55:45Now I have to find out if it's me without letting anyone else know.
56:14Hey, hey, hey, what's up, what's up?
56:16Welcome to the House of Anastasia.
56:18We love you, Anastasia.
56:20Thanks, doll face.
56:21My next single is a dance hall banger.
56:23And I need you to bring the heat.
56:27Travis, actually.
56:28Travis, just show me what you got on the choreography.
56:32Okay, let's hit the track.
56:49We'll just cut the track.
56:50Sorry, just one second.
56:51Yeah, sorry.
56:52What are you doing?
56:53Dancing my heart out.
56:54Who is she?
56:55Ignore her.
56:56She's from a, um, she's from a lesbian outreach program.
57:00I think we should just ignore her.
57:02Maybe even cut her because I don't think dancing was very good.
57:05Well, maybe I do agree.
57:06She wasn't dancing very good.
57:07I think she was dancing great.
57:10Yes!
57:11Yeah, you got the talent.
57:12Yeah, I'm coming, Bob.
57:13I think you're missing K-Rod.
57:14So, Ursula, are you ready to step up to the streets?
57:17Yes, I train.
57:18I'm ready to take center stage with you.
57:20You better say the last dance for me.
57:22I'll be naming early 2000s dance films because, um, um,
57:27because Dirty Dance, it's the 80s.
57:28This is hard.
57:29Hey, coyote ugly.
57:30Zip it.
57:31Yeah.
57:31Hit the track.
57:32Dancers, step up.
57:34Lock it in.
57:35See, this is hard.
57:36Lock it in.
57:37With 49-year-old ladies having a hot flush.
57:39Yes.
57:40I got finger guns.
57:41I got finger guns.
57:42Okay, I'm going to just call it the finger guns, sorry.
57:44Um, it's sort of giving drunk auntie at a wedding vibes.
57:47I have been a drunk auntie at a wedding, and I think that's me.
57:50That's exactly what it's going for.
57:51You've got me, and I've got you.
57:53Hit it.
57:53It's late, and the vodka's hit hard.
57:56Yeah.
57:57Dancing.
57:57It's 90% eyebrows.
57:58Get them up.
57:59I can do the side of my face.
58:01That's how we get the straw out of the drink.
58:03Oh, I do that a lot.
58:05Get your tits out.
58:07Stretch your butt.
58:08Stretch your butt.
58:09Where's my keys?
58:10Where's my keys?
58:10No, enough, enough, enough, enough.
58:12I can't watch another second of this.
58:13I am a trained dancer, okay?
58:15I want to be doing, like, body rolls and spins.
58:18You shouldn't do any of that at your age.
58:19It'll make you sick.
58:20I am 34 and 13 months.
58:22Look, Anastasia, can you please just do my choreography?
58:25I'm a bit confused.
58:26Who here has sold 30 million records worldwide?
58:30You did, Anastasia.
58:32So I think that I can choose who's doing the choreography.
58:35All right, then, well, who are we going to pitch?
58:57This is stupid.
59:06I told you that was going to happen.
59:08Oh, my God.
59:09What are you eating?
59:12I do feel like we've learned a lot from each other so far tonight, but I also don't want
59:16you to leave here tonight thinking I don't like men or I don't think that men have a
59:20special talent.
59:21Of course you do.
59:22You know, men are extremely gifted when your wife is not feeling great to go, why don't
59:27you put on a bit of a happy face?
59:29Why don't you smile a bit?
59:31It's adorable and I think it's your strengths.
59:33I think the fact that you have that absolute sheer inability to read a room, I like it.
59:37You guys have been great.
59:39Thank you so much.
59:40Thank you so much.
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