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00:00.
00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got Me For You.
00:37I'm Richard Aiuwadi.
00:38In the news this week, in Kerala,
00:40there's evidence that the number of influencers
00:42using the area for a photo backdrop
00:44is beginning to annoy the locals.
00:55In Didcot, one Thames Water customer
00:57is disappointed with his new hot tub.
01:00Oh!
01:03Oh, man.
01:08And back in Windsor, King Charles seems to be quite satisfied
01:11with his scheme to prevent Fergie making any more media appearances.
01:17LAUGHTER
01:26On Ian's team tonight is the political editor
01:29of online news site Politics Jo,
01:31who says when producers ask her to appear on their shows,
01:34she's very bad at saying no.
01:35Me too, so here we both are.
01:38Please welcome Ava Santina Evans.
01:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:45On Paul's team is an actor and presenter
01:48who is a big fan of Tottenham Hotspur.
01:49I don't know anything about football,
01:51but I'm told they're on the brink of some sort
01:53of historic achievement.
01:54LAUGHTER
01:55So, congrats.
01:57Please welcome Stephen Mangan.
02:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:05We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:07Paul and Stephen, here's yours.
02:08OK.
02:09Well, where's Camilla?
02:10In the boot.
02:11So, yeah, this is King Charles meeting Donald Trump.
02:14Bit triggering.
02:15Bit triggering.
02:16And this is, bizarrely,
02:18this is where Trump starts shaking hands with people
02:20that work with him.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:28It's King Charles.
02:29It's done very well.
02:30King Charles.
02:30King Charles the Rescue.
02:31To what end?
02:32Oh, to reignite the special relationship
02:34and to sort of try and sort of stop him suing the BBC.
02:40Various things like that.
02:41So, I shall be careful what I say.
02:43It'll be edited.
02:44Yeah.
02:46He made a number of speeches which Trump doesn't seem
02:49to have understood at all.
02:50Mm.
02:50Which is great, cos they're very funny.
02:52Which is great, cos they're very funny.
02:53Um...
02:53And quite rude.
02:55Yeah.
02:56And he gave a lecture to the American Congress
02:58on how a parliamentary democracy might work...
03:01Mm-hm.
03:02..in a country without an autocrat running it.
03:05Which, again, they all got up and cheered.
03:08The vice-president, Vance, refused to stand up,
03:11cos it mentioned the environment.
03:15And all the others got up and thought,
03:17well, maybe Earth is a good thing.
03:19Yeah.
03:19Yeah.
03:19Yeah.
03:20And sat there.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24But, you know, that is quite a long word,
03:27so maybe he didn't understand that.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:33I think we might be able to show that clip now.
03:35Oh, good.
03:36It's exciting.
03:37Very enjoyable.
03:37The bond of kinship and identity between America
03:40and the United Kingdom is priceless and eternal.
03:44It is irreplaceable and unbreakable.
03:49APPLAUSE
03:51The Christian faith is a firm anchor
03:54and daily inspiration that guides us,
03:58not only personally...
04:00LAUGHTER
04:03..to value all people of all faiths and of none.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:09Nature, our most precious and irreplaceable asset.
04:19..provide the foundation for our prosperity
04:22and our national security.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:30And that hasn't been edited.
04:32Yeah.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:33And they kept slightly jumping the gun,
04:35so when he said the word faith,
04:38Republicans up, then all faiths and none.
04:40Mm-hm, what am I standing for?
04:42LAUGHTER
04:43I mean, it seems that the visit was primarily
04:46to blow smoke up President Trump's ass,
04:48which encouraged the official White House ex-account
04:50to post this.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:56Read the room, guys.
04:58And in return, Charles had to suffer this indignity.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02Yes.
05:03Wow.
05:04Although, actually, in Charles's case,
05:06Maga's sound to make Andrew go away.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:10It's actually AI, that.
05:11It's just very highly sophisticated AI.
05:14Is it? Right.
05:14The King and Queen first met the Trumps over afternoon tea.
05:17What did they talk about?
05:18Didn't Trump keep trying to talk to him about Putin blowing the world up?
05:22They were talking about bees.
05:25Of bees?
05:25That's right.
05:26Donald and Melania showed the King and Queen,
05:29the White House beehive.
05:31Really?
05:31Yes.
05:31Oh!
05:32There it is.
05:34It was a lot bigger before Trump took an axe to the Hive's East Wing.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:38That's quite a historical photograph, though, isn't it?
05:40Because Melania's smiling.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:44Yes.
05:44She's seen something funny off-camera.
05:46Yeah.
05:48They do look massive compared to our King, don't they?
05:51Yes.
05:52Maybe one day they'll fight and we'll see who is the hardest.
05:54Yeah.
05:55I reckon Charles could take him.
05:57Of course he could.
05:58I reckon Camilla could take all of them.
05:59He doesn't.
06:02How did Trump manage to embarrass Charles?
06:05By mentioning that he was in support of Iran not having a nuclear weapon.
06:08That one, he told him that Trump's mother had a crush on him.
06:12Oh, yes.
06:12Yes, that's right.
06:14Oh!
06:14That's unpleasant to hear, isn't it?
06:17LAUGHTER
06:17Yeah.
06:18She really did love the family, but I also remember her saying,
06:23very clearly, Charles, look, young Charles, he's so cute.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:34My mother had a crush on Charles.
06:37Can you believe it?
06:39LAUGHTER
06:42So Donald Trump could have been Charles' son?
06:46Yes.
06:47That would have been a great episode of Dallas.
06:50Wouldn't it, Donald?
06:51Absolutely.
06:52Melania favours a flat, wide hat.
06:55We know this.
06:55Mm.
06:56It's usually very low down so that you can't see her face.
06:59Mm.
07:00But we're going to really make this exciting by playing the hat game.
07:03You know the hat game.
07:04Oh, yeah, the hat game, yeah.
07:05This is a game in which you see a sequence of Melania's hats.
07:08Right.
07:09Like in the hat game.
07:10Yeah.
07:10But before we do so, you have to say whether you can see her eyes
07:14or not.
07:15Like in the hat game.
07:16Yeah.
07:17This isn't how we play the hat game.
07:19LAUGHTER
07:20You just have to say...
07:22Mm.
07:23Eyes or no eyes.
07:24That's the hat game.
07:24OK, right.
07:25Here we go.
07:26Yeah.
07:26Could be a loo roll, but it's not.
07:29Yes.
07:30Can't see her eyes.
07:31You didn't even say we had to click the buzzer.
07:33It's not a postal vote.
07:34Wait, what do you mean?
07:34Yes.
07:37Yeah.
07:37Well, you can't see anything there.
07:38That's just the top of a hat.
07:39That's the quiz.
07:40Yeah.
07:41Yeah.
07:44It's like you're pretending not to know how the hat game is.
07:50Hang on.
07:50You've said eyes, I've said no eyes.
07:52You're going to be all right here.
07:52Then we're guaranteed a point.
07:54Yeah.
07:54Guaranteed a point.
07:55OK.
07:56Let's reveal.
07:57Let's reveal.
07:59No eyes.
08:00Hard to say.
08:01Eyes.
08:02Eyes.
08:03Number two.
08:03Eyes or no eyes.
08:05Oh.
08:06BUZZER
08:06Yeah.
08:07No eyes.
08:08No eyes.
08:09BUZZER
08:10Eyes.
08:11LAUGHTER
08:13We've got the sorted, haven't we?
08:16OK, let's reveal.
08:19Eyes.
08:19Eyes.
08:20Number three.
08:21Number three?
08:21How many of these are there?
08:2223.
08:2323.
08:24OK.
08:24OK.
08:25That's got to be no eyes.
08:26Yeah, I don't even think that's her.
08:27I bet that's somebody else.
08:28Let's see.
08:29Yeah, I mean, look.
08:30That's right.
08:31Look, that's...
08:32She's not even in there.
08:34It's a hat stand.
08:35A few days before the royal visit, at the annual white...
08:37It's at the end of the hat game.
08:38It is.
08:39If that hat game's in the final edit, we're in real trouble.
08:42Yeah.
08:43We're in trouble.
08:44Thank you, I appreciate that.
08:44And if it is, I'll eat my...
08:48Can we just say you did miss a really good bit in the speech?
08:51Mm.
08:54Which bit is that?
08:55I aim to please.
08:56You gave the answer to him and he said that Charles was against
08:59Iran having nuclear weapons and he said,
09:01Charles agreed with me even more than I do, which suggested,
09:05I'm just saying, that the dialogue was largely in his head.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:11Yes.
09:12It's like when he says negotiations are going really well
09:15with the Iranians, you think, they are in there, aren't they?
09:18LAUGHTER
09:18Yes, cos in a way, no one agrees with him more than he does.
09:22You don't need eyes to see that.
09:24Right.
09:25Thank you for ensuring that the hat game does not leave the edit.
09:30We want to get you.
09:32OK.
09:33And if we can keep making back references to the hat game...
09:36We won't stop.
09:38A few days before the royal visit at the annual White House
09:40Correspondents' Inn, there was another assassination attempt
09:43on Donald Trump.
09:44Footage showed journalists being evacuated with some pausing
09:47to grab bottles of champagne.
09:50Which, to be fair, they did put back after being told he was OK.
09:59Would you like to see one of the thieving journalists?
10:02Yes.
10:02Yes.
10:13The elaborate way in which the thieving was done.
10:16Yes.
10:17That's not going to drink itself.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20What did we learn from Trump's 60 Minutes interview on CBS
10:23just the morning after the shooting?
10:25He got quite grumpy, didn't he, with the interviewer,
10:26saying that she was a horrible person and asking disgusting questions.
10:30Yes.
10:30He also said in the interview, and this was the key point
10:33that he wanted to make clear, that Donald Trump is not a rapist.
10:38That's what he said.
10:39Here's his interview with CBS in which the interviewer reads out
10:41the would-be assassin's manifesto.
10:43I'm no longer willing to permit a pedophile, rapist, and traitor
10:47to coat my hands with his crimes.
10:50What's your reaction to that?
10:50Well, I was waiting for you to read that because I knew you would,
10:53because you're horrible people.
10:56Horrible people.
10:57Yeah, he did write that.
10:59I'm not a rapist.
11:00I didn't rape anybody.
11:02I'm not a pedophile.
11:03Oh, do you think he was referring to you?
11:04Excuse me, excuse me.
11:10This is King Charles' steak visit to the United States.
11:14Donald Trump hosted a steak banquet for Charles
11:17where the menu included garden herb velouté,
11:20toasted shallots with a whisper of mint,
11:23spring herb ravioli with a light parmesan emulsion,
11:27leading up to the main event,
11:28fillet-o-fish and fries.
11:32The meal also included food from the UK,
11:35including Doversoll in nutty brown butter,
11:37although that's possibly just the water it was caught in.
11:43It was a smoked Doversoll,
11:45although, to be fair, it was an ordinary Doversoll
11:48until Camilla breathed on it.
11:53Ian and Ava, here's yours.
11:56That's Keir Starmer, he's still here.
11:59That's people worshipping Angela Rayner.
12:02Oh, God, there she is.
12:05At her first Cabinet meeting.
12:09Well, that's the next leader.
12:12Everyone said Keir was finished and then they had a vote and he wasn't,
12:15because he never quite is, but this time it might be Angela Rayner.
12:18Is that right?
12:19The talk of the town is that Keir Starmer is going to fail miserably
12:23at the local elections.
12:24Wes Streeting is ready, he's got his MPs all aligned,
12:27they will vote Keir Starmer out and then Angela Rayner will be forced
12:30into a challenge and likely she would beat him and become Prime Minister.
12:34Was Angela pleased? She looks happy.
12:37Well, look, I'd seen her a couple of days before that,
12:40where she seemed to be in high spirits.
12:43Potentially she...
12:44Are you saying she was pissed?
12:46No.
12:46I mean, it definitely did seem that she was having a few beverages
12:49with a number of Members of Parliament, some dignitaries,
12:54and she was just sort of spreading her message, perhaps, if...
12:57Sorry.
12:58Spreading her message.
12:58Spreading her message.
12:59Sounds like a euphemism.
13:02There might have been a slight fall at one point,
13:04but we completely ignore that.
13:06OK.
13:07According to a government source,
13:08Starmer's situation is still precarious.
13:09It's all fucked up in Fast Forward.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13Which is also the tagline of the new Guy Ritchie film.
13:17Away from the Westminster infighting course,
13:19there's a war on Keir Starmer's formed a special task force
13:22to make sure the war doesn't affect supplies of beer
13:25during the World Cup.
13:27What's it been called?
13:28Beer Stormer.
13:31Ale to the Chief.
13:32Yes, that's good.
13:33Like that.
13:34Don't groan.
13:35Very good.
13:35They're just jealous as they didn't think of it.
13:37Yeah.
13:37Of course.
13:38Things can only get bitter.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41This is, like, one of the most fun brainstorming sessions I've ever been.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:47Disappointingly, it's called...
13:49The Beer...
13:50LAUGHTER
13:52It's fingers on buzzers time.
13:54It's time for the election-o-meter.
13:56Oh, not another bloody...
13:57That's bloody right.
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00That's right.
14:02Don't pretend that you don't love this kind of formatting.
14:05Well, presumably we press the button.
14:07Yep.
14:07So, what's the question?
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10This is going worse than the hack game.
14:12Yeah.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:15I didn't think that was possible.
14:16I mean, you know...
14:17How dare you undermine the format this early.
14:20She said that MPs drink too much.
14:21Oh, yeah, drink too much.
14:23MPs drink too much.
14:23Exactly.
14:24But she said it to you.
14:26Yes.
14:27Not because I'm an MP or that I was drinking too much.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:30In an interview setting.
14:32Yeah.
14:32So, it was a scoop?
14:33It was yours?
14:34Yes.
14:35Shall we have a look at this interview?
14:36Yes.
14:37I noticed this the other day, when you can smell the alcohol
14:39when people are in between votes and everyone's going in to vote.
14:43Some people have been drinking in between.
14:45Like, there's a room where I walked past and I doubled back
14:47and looked in because people are just sat having a drink.
14:50But, again, that's a job.
14:51Like, I can't imagine if a cleaner did that or someone working
14:55in a bank, like, had a few drinks and then went back to work,
14:58like, a bit, you know, like, smelling of alcohol.
15:00Like, that wouldn't happen.
15:02Mm.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:05APPLAUSE
15:11Son of a gun.
15:12So, were you shocked to see people drinking in the House of
15:17Commons?
15:18Sorry.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:19Well, I went down to that room where they drink in,
15:22on Monday evening.
15:22There was a lot of, why are you snitching?
15:24I didn't say it, I just filmed it.
15:27But, you know, a lot of, why are you snitching?
15:28One of the best things that was said to me was,
15:31I don't know if I can say this, she's such a bitch,
15:33this is the only time I get away from my children.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:39Which was amazing to me, because all of the sort of robust defence
15:42that MPs have made about, you know, we just have a beer here or there,
15:45we normally have Coke, you know...
15:48Well...
15:48I heard it here first.
15:50There you go.
15:52APPLAUSE
15:53Now the story's getting interesting.
15:55Yeah, I see.
15:55Is that why they say the nose habit?
15:58LAUGHTER
15:59Thank you very much, thank you.
16:01Thank you very much.
16:02APPLAUSE
16:04Anyway, I think it's really shocking.
16:06Do you?
16:07Yeah, I mean, the business I'm in, journalism,
16:08and the idea that people would drink during...
16:10Yes.
16:12Absolutely.
16:12Polanski wants to take Donald Trump's two golf courses away from him
16:16and into community ownership.
16:18Polanski said,
16:19I don't think you should be able to start illegal and unpopular wars
16:22and still have golf courses.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:24You can have one or the other.
16:26Yes.
16:28LAUGHTER
16:34Back to the Electronometer.
16:35Here we go.
16:41He's admitted to taking £5 million from a crypto-billionaire.
16:45Yeah.
16:46But he said he didn't have to declare it.
16:48Yeah.
16:48It was before he was elected, wasn't it?
16:49It was before he was elected.
16:50He was given for his security.
16:52Yeah.
16:52They don't want anything in return.
16:54No, nothing.
16:55Free money.
16:55Do...
16:56Free money.
16:58Nigel Farage was at a period in his life, apparently,
17:00where he wasn't sure whether he actually would carry on in politics.
17:04£9 million was given to reform UK.
17:07Yeah.
17:08The £5 million was just personal.
17:09It was personal.
17:10And it was before he was elected, so he didn't have to declare it.
17:13Oh, I see.
17:13Yes, in early 2024.
17:15And it does not appear on Farage's register of interest.
17:18He was bored by the money.
17:19Yeah.
17:20Effectively.
17:22Um...
17:22I think it's touching that someone has that much faith in democracy.
17:27LAUGHTER
17:27He's called Christopher Harbourn, but in Thailand,
17:30where he runs various of his businesses,
17:32he's known as, um, Chakrit...
17:37Chakrit?
17:38Check along.
17:39Chak, sack and back.
17:40I'll leave you.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:43Or, as Ian calls it, the usual.
17:45LAUGHTER
17:48This is the news that Keir Starmer has survived a crucial vote.
17:52In other news, Morgan McSweeney told the Select Committee
17:55that when it came to appointing Peter Manilson as US ambassador,
17:58there were pros and cons.
18:00Unfortunately, the cons were in orange jumpsuits
18:02and called Geoffrey and G'day.
18:04And so, to round two, the strengthometer of news.
18:07Yes.
18:07Fingers just above buzzers.
18:09Yes.
18:09It seems...
18:13BUZZER
18:14BUZZER
18:15Pig?
18:15Oh, is that we just have to identify the animal?
18:17Yep.
18:18Yeah.
18:18You're right.
18:19I'm looking for points at this stage.
18:20Yes.
18:21I'll give you a clue.
18:22Yes.
18:23Estonia.
18:23They've elected a pig...
18:26to...
18:27do something.
18:29This is the news of the inaugural Pig Squealing Championships
18:33in the Estonian city of Tartu at the weekend.
18:35Squeal of Fortune?
18:36Yes.
18:39You only know that because you auditioned to host it.
18:43No, actually, to be one of the competitors.
18:45Yes.
18:46All right.
18:49Who did host it?
18:50Never mind.
18:52Romesh.
18:53Romesh.
19:00There's always squeal or no squeal.
19:05I'm going to play in a sound.
19:07Yep.
19:08And you need to tell me if this is a real squeal.
19:10Yep.
19:10Or no squeal.
19:12This is a competition in which people pretend to be pigs.
19:16Oh, right.
19:16But we are trying to find out how good these squeals are.
19:19I see.
19:20So, here we go.
19:21Number one.
19:29That's the Bishop of Southwark.
19:31Yep.
19:32That's a person, that is.
19:33You're absolutely right.
19:35No squeal.
19:35It's just an Estonian man in a hat.
19:37Here he is.
19:45What is the woman on the left wearing?
19:49What in the holy name of...
19:51Yep, yep.
19:52Do they not have the internet in Estonia?
19:54She's got pig testicles on her phone.
19:57Yeah.
19:58Next up.
20:00Squeal or no squeal?
20:01Mm.
20:05That's no squeal, isn't it?
20:06It's no squeal.
20:06It's no squeal, isn't it?
20:08No squeal.
20:09Imagine this in the hands of a Romesh.
20:11Yeah.
20:11Yeah.
20:13It was fly.
20:14It's bloody no squeal, you're absolutely right.
20:17That was actually the winning entry.
20:24Are they putting drugs in the water supply?
20:27Estonian.
20:28Do you want to know what that man won?
20:30His freedom.
20:31Did he get to choose the...
20:34Did he win a whole pig?
20:36It's not a whole pig.
20:37OK, half a pig.
20:38That's right, half a pig.
20:39And was it alive?
20:43It was half a pig carcass and a bundle of sausages.
20:47All the other entrants were stunned.
20:51I don't know why they groaned in, they didn't pay to get in.
20:53I know.
20:56Time now for the odd one out round.
20:58Just one between you this week.
21:00Yes.
21:00Your four are Sebastian Sarway.
21:02Mm-hm.
21:03Geoff and Val King from Nuneaton.
21:04Mm-hm.
21:05Tiramisu in Chelsea.
21:06Mm-hm.
21:06And you, Stephen.
21:07What?
21:13You're smaller than the tiramisu.
21:15Yeah, I am.
21:17Well, the guy at the top, he won the London Marathon, didn't he?
21:19So, in the record time, I believe?
21:21Yeah, under two hours.
21:21Under two hours.
21:22The couple with all the question marks, they've been running a pub quiz
21:26for the last sort of 20, 30 years, they've never missed a night.
21:29They're probably record holders.
21:31Stephen, have you, in the book of records, done anything?
21:34I have.
21:35Mm.
21:35Well done.
21:36OK, so...
21:45I was one of over 5,000 people.
21:48Oh, yeah.
21:48Who set a record for the most people playing the kazoo at any one time.
21:55Right.
21:56Brilliant.
21:56So, I'm a world record holder, technically.
21:58OK.
21:59OK, so they're all individual world records, but Stephen's world record is part of 5,000 people.
22:02You're right on the world records, but wrong on who's the one.
22:05The runner's the odd one out because...
22:07I mean, how hard can it be to do what he...
22:09LAUGHTER
22:11It's not him.
22:12It's not him.
22:12It's the couple, then.
22:13Yeah, they're the odd one out because they've all broken a world record,
22:17apart from Geoff and Val King from Nuneaton, who've broken a UK record.
22:20Ah, right.
22:22Amateurs.
22:23Yes.
22:24Stephen, it was the kazoo work that you did.
22:26The kazoo work.
22:26Let's have a listen.
22:38I think there's a picture of you with your kazoo that we have.
22:40Oh, of course.
22:40There's got to be.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:45I am kazooed out.
22:47When you're also in a band called Aragon.
22:50OK, why has this come up?
22:52LAUGHTER
22:54What's going on?
22:54I don't know.
22:55This feels like a trap.
22:56What's going on?
22:57This became very good.
22:57I was in a band called Aragon.
22:58Fine.
22:59I was just trying to make conversation.
23:01LAUGHTER
23:03Ian's in a grunge band.
23:04Is he?
23:05Yeah, called Parliamentary Privilege.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08Right.
23:10They've made a difficult second album.
23:11Yeah.
23:12I can't do the first one for no easy listen, either.
23:15What record did The Turrum Soon Chelsea break this weekend?
23:18Most expensive, most calorific, biggest.
23:20Smallest, lowest.
23:20Smallest, lowest.
23:21Wasn't it the most amount of eggs or something like that?
23:23I'm not even being facetious, sorry.
23:25No, it didn't sound as if you were.
23:27No.
23:27It sounded like you were generally trying to answer a stupid question.
23:31LAUGHTER
23:32I'd like to salute you for that.
23:33It's not the correct answer, but you're in the right ballpark.
23:35Yeah, the longest tiramisu.
23:37Oh!
23:38100 Italian chefs break the record for the longest tiramisu in the world
23:41by making one that was 440.6 metres long.
23:45What?!
23:45That's right.
23:46It took them two days, and here they are making the tiramisu.
23:50Wow.
23:53I think you're measuring the wrong bit, to be honest.
23:55Yeah.
23:59Sebastian Sarway broke a record this weekend.
24:02Yeah.
24:02Here he is, crossing the line.
24:03Sebastian Sarway is going to break the two-hour mark.
24:08He's going to win the London Marathon in incredible style.
24:11An historic performance, 159.30.
24:17It's just unbelievable.
24:19I know this is a bit mean of me, but I think that finishing line thing,
24:22that boundary across the thing, should be made of rubber.
24:24LAUGHTER
24:27Gives the others a chance.
24:29Yeah, I think that's right.
24:30Yeah.
24:30Does he not have some sort of special shoes?
24:33Wasn't there some contention about the shoes?
24:35They're petrol-driven.
24:36Yeah.
24:37You're right, he does have a special pair of ultralight super shoes.
24:41Here they are.
24:43Imagine how fast he'd have been if he'd had both shoes.
24:47LAUGHTER
24:49The shoes weigh just 97 grams, or three and a half ounces.
24:54But it's hard to know what that is in layman's terms.
24:56Yeah.
24:56Which is heavier, a super shoe or an average Kiwi?
25:02BUZZER
25:02Kiwis are from New Zealand.
25:03They eat loads.
25:04They have, like, 12 stone or something.
25:06Yeah, 12 stone, 6 foot 2.
25:08Yeah.
25:08They've got to be heavier than a shoe.
25:10Yeah.
25:10That is right.
25:11OK, next question.
25:12Yeah, next question.
25:14An average Kiwi only weighs about 50 grams.
25:18Yes!
25:21You can come back.
25:23Sounds like somebody's rearranging their plans for Friday night.
25:28Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features,
25:31as its guest publication,
25:34Culture.
25:34The Word on Cheese.
25:37And we start with...
25:38Yes.
25:39Prince Edward Mistaken for what on visit to Isle of Wight?
25:43Er, someone with a real job.
25:45Potato?
25:50Prince Edward Mistaken for Andrew Marr.
25:54Oh!
25:56And visit to Isle of Wight.
25:57Next.
25:59After an event for naturalists attracts naturists by mistake,
26:02visitors are urged to what?
26:05Er, check their tickets for the cockfighting competition.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:10Is it not just dress appropriately?
26:13That is exactly the...
26:14Yeah.
26:14Yes, that's the exact answer.
26:16Brilliant.
26:17Yes.
26:18One of the organisers reminded attendees,
26:22Cumbrian Nature Festival is primarily aimed at naturalists,
26:25not naturists.
26:27Yes.
26:27I like the use of the word primarily.
26:29Yes.
26:30Just in...
26:31Just in case no-one turns up.
26:34Yes.
26:34That's right.
26:35Finally, one of the events at the Cheesemonger Olympics involves...
26:40What?
26:41Riding a mascarpone?
26:42Yeah.
26:44That's a good one.
26:45That's a good one.
26:47Er, a gorgonzola tombola.
26:52These are all...
26:55These were excellent.
26:56And you're now welcome on the board of this magazine.
26:59The cheese board, it's called.
27:01Thank you, cheese board.
27:04Um...
27:05One of the events at the Cheesemonger Olympics involves
27:07precisely cutting a wedge of cheese to an exact weight.
27:10Oh, yes.
27:11Can you imagine?
27:12Cutting cheese to the exact weight is an incredibly tense sport,
27:16with contests often going right down to the wire.
27:19LAUGHTER
27:20So, the final scores are Ian and Ava have four.
27:24Paul and Stephen have seven.
27:27APPLAUSE
27:27I'm very sorry.
27:29It's unbelievable.
27:31On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
27:34and Ava Santina-Evans, Paul Merton and Stephen Mangan,
27:37and I leave you with news that, inspired by King Charles' visit,
27:40Donald Trump takes delivery of his new hat.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:45The RSPB admit it may have been a mistake to site their new ostrich sanctuary
27:50near the Hinkley Point nuclear plant.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:56And in the middle of yet another assassination attempt,
27:59the security services rush to get Robert Kennedy Jr,
28:02where the assassin can see him.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:07APPLAUSE
28:10Good night.
28:12APPLAUSE
28:13Good night.
28:18APPLAUSE
28:19APPLAUSE
28:23Hugh Bonneville brings W1A energy to the World Cup.
28:27New comedy, 2026 on iPlayer Watch now.
28:31This and everything across the BBC is made possible
28:34because we're funded by you.
28:38APPLAUSE
28:39.
28:39.
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